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Relationship education presents and promotes the principles and practices of premarital education, relationship resources, relationship restoration, relationship maintenance, and research-based marriage preparation.

Contents

History

The formal organization of relationship education in the USA began in the late-1970s by a diverse group of professionals concerned that the results of conventional methods and means of marriage therapy resulted in no appreciable reduction in the elevated rate of divorce and out-of-wedlock births.

The motivation for relationship education was found in numerous studied observations of the elevated rates of marital and family breakdown, school drop-outs, incarceration, drug addiction, unemployment, suicide, homicide, domestic abuse and other negative social factors when either or both divorce or out-of-wedlock pregnancy were noted. In all of the negative categories noted above, statistical over-representation of adults whose childhood did not involve both of their parents was present.

Initial planning for the field of relationship education involved the participation of psychologists, counselors, family life educators, social workers, marriage and family therapists, psychiatrists, clergy from various faith traditions, policy makers, academicians in the fields of social science, attorneys, judges, and lay persons. The goal was to seek the broadest possible dispersal of research and marriage education skills courses which could improve interpersonal relationship functioning, especially with married and pre-marital couples.

Early contributors to the field of relationship education included David and Vera Mace who founded The Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment.[1]. The Maces conducted their first couples retreat in 1962. Also, Bernard and Louise Guerney developed Relationship Enhancement®.[2]

Examples of Relationship Education

The National Council on Family Relations focuses on preparing professionals in family life education, a prominent approach to relationship education.

In 2006, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services began funding significant multi-year demonstration projects through the Administration for Children and Families to expand the availability of marriage education classes in more than 100 communities nationwide. This project, known as the "Healthy Marriage Initiative," is designed to improve the well-being of children by providing tools and education to strengthen marriages and families. More information is available online.

Another significant USA researcher in marriage and marriage education is Jeffry H. Larson. In the first article he reviews the 3 major premarital questionnaires - Foccus, Prepare and Relate.

Basic Principles and Practices

  • all men and all women can learn improved means and methods of relating to each other;
  • all men and all women can learn to manage inevitable differences much better and can accept and plan for the numerous incompatibilities which are inevitable in all relationships;
  • there is likely to be far more satisfaction from learning to play complementary roles well than from perpetually nursing the desire for that ideal and perfectly compatible individual;
  • humorous responses (to be used gently and often) and the ability to develop and select light-hearted interpretations of lifes inevitable awkwardnesses are of great value in aborting downward emotional spirals (interpretations where blaming the other person can cause great harm);
  • great couples and failed (failing) couples have disagreements in identical areas but creating the proper environment to honor the right to differences without perpetually allowing them to rise to the level of conflict is the key behavioral difference, and this can be learned;
  • more communication or communication, alone, is never the exclusive answer to a problem situation, but respectful exchange of ideas while noting the preferences of the other thus showing concern and respect for them (including the validation of their importance) is valuable and essential. Building a connection is the goal—not a word count increase;
  • to personalize (blame the other) in your difficulties is almost always the wrong thing to do as very few "man mistakes" or "woman mistakes" are exclusive to your personal circumstances (dramatically high percentages of other couples have had your same, exact battles and the ones who accepted this fact graciously and worked to resolve them amicably remain together, in love);
  • there is great value in accepting the influence of the other graciously--and in offering one's own influence gracefully and gently;
  • keep the ratio of positive over negative comments overwhelming, in the nature of at least 10:1, while remembering that any negative response or outburst is likely to be remembered far longer;
  • in tense moments, "soft starts" to any potentially conflicted conversational exchange is mandatory;
  • always seek healing tones and methods and never give resentment a foothold (allow for human foibles and errors when observing the “mistakes” of others and remember that you are daily and perpetually seeking to build a loving and caring home life);
  • remember that experiencing some guilt may be useful in learning and re-directing ourselves, but that shaming another person, that is, finding fault in who they are, their intentions, and their very self, can be very destructive;
  • it is essential to recognize difficulty as early as possible--and to tread lightly until the very best moment arrives to address a matter (note that far less than all items need to be addressed--time will allow most potential squabbles to disappear on their own--dying of unimportance in the larger context of the active cultivation of a longer term, enduring love);
  • every couple can benefit from the active pursuit of fun and friendship (obviously, this takes special effort while caring for small children);
  • all couples have a significant number of matters of life-long contrast or disagreement. Successful couples “table” the vast majority of these and respect each others differences and creating joy, finding happiness and creating love in areas of greater agreement, cultivating their positive regard and commitment to the relationship.
  • every couple can benefit from the active pursuit of fun and friendship (obviously, this takes special effort while caring for small children or in the presence of people who seem to have grumpy life habits);
  • recreational companionship should be cultivated and recreational compatibility should be pursued;
  • nearly every woman will respond well to the direct promotion of her emotional safety and comfort;
  • nearly every man will respond favorably to positive note or validation of his efforts or contributions;
  • it is always valuable to choose warmth over grumpiness in responding to lifes annoyances;
  • the identification and the elimination of as many bad habits as possible can begin immediately;
  • the identification of and the practice and repetition of as many good habits as possible can begin immediately;
  • the near universal practice of assigning a mental illness diagnosis to persons experiencing relationship distress is quite likely to be iatrogenic. Boisvert, C., & Faust, D. (2002). Iatrogenic symptoms in psychotherapy: A theoretical exploration of the potential impact of labels, language, and belief systems. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 56, 244-259. ;
  • there are many positive and romantic ideas and habits to cultivate--and to not seek them, to not learn them, and to not practice them is to risk missing some of life's greatest pleasures and enjoyments;
  • there is great value in scripting, practicing, and faking improved expressions of new knowledge, methods and facts (this is the routine in all new learning—bicycling to bread-making, to being the best spouse that you can be);
  • researching what others want, desire, appreciate and enjoy is essential. Know that what is of high importance to your spouse may be of lesser importance to you. Accommodate these preferences to the highest degree that you can—fully expecting that numerous day-to-day preferences.
  • repair mechanisms must be prepared and used regularly, before significant deteriorations can be observed. All repairs involve softened tones and absolutely no harsh words or presentations. If you cannot stage an optimal recovery initially, arrange for a break until you can review essential principles and return to attempt a loving recovery—a repair. John Gottman, John in Seven Principles;
  • exposing children and youth to these basic principles is compatible with the majority of socialization fundamentals in numerous religions and societies.

See also

External links

References

  1. ^ http://2008.bettermarriages.org/Home/tabid/36/Default.aspx Building Better Marriages: The Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment
  2. ^ http://www.nire.org/ National Institute of Relationship Enhancement
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