From Wikiquote
Robot Chicken is a series
on Adult Swim that uses stop motion animation to make small
sketches based on current events, or ad-libbed situations based off
of pop culture.
Season 1
Sweet J. Presents
(Pilot) [1.0]
Junk
in the Trunk [1.1]
- George
Bush: My name is George W. Bush and I approve this
message.
- [Cut to a picture of a taco]
- George Bush: Tacos rule.
- Rachael Leigh Cook: [holds up an egg]
This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is
heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets
down egg, and smashes it with the pan] And this is what your
body goes through, but it's not over yet. [smashes dishes]
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes
cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT
HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE!
[smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box
before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES
SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN!
[begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car
alarm] ON YOUR LEFT ASS-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A
BITCHIN' FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE
TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy; police surround
her]
- Police Man: We just wanna help! [gets his
face smashed, all the cops jump Rachael]
- Rachael Leigh Cook: [smashes all the
police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES!
[on a building ledge] AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE
POLLEN COUNT! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions?
[people look at her with confused expressions] ANY
QUESTIONS?! [hits herself off the building]
(channel flip to an orange Teletubbie-like character smoking
a cigarette)
- (The Autobots arrive at a dam where the Decepticons are
doing their usual dirty work.)
- Prowl: This is the
spot. The Decepticons are using the dam below to
stockpile Energon cubes.
- (Starscream and Thundercracker are piling up Energon
cubes against the dam as Megatron watches on.)
- Optimus Prime: Megatron must be stopped! Autobots,
transform and roll... Whoa, hold on a second! (runs off to the
bathroom, leaving Prowl, Jazz, and Mirage just standing there,
then returns at the sound of a toilet flushing)
- Prowl: Are you okay?
- Optimus Prime: Let's get 'em!
- (The Autobots open fire on the Decepticons, making the
Energon cubes explode. Then Prime, Jazz, and Prowl start kicking
Starscream while he's down. Later, back at Autobot Headquarters,
Prowl and Ironhide are both having a shower, while Grimlock whips Bumblebee with a rolled-up
towel.)
- Optimus Prime: Good job everyone! (tosses
Bumblebee a towel) Megatron was defeated with only 50 humans
killed in the crossfire, a new record!
- Autobots: Hooray!
- (Prime runs into the bathroom.)
- Ironhide: Hey, Prowl! Have you
noticed how often Prime needs to drain the lizard nowadays?
- Prowl: Yeah! He must be French, cuz
he's-a-peein'! (laughs)
- Ironhide: I think that joke goes
"You're-a-peein'!"
- Prowl: (laughs) But... I'm not.
- Ironhide: Ugh, such a Retardicon!
- (The sound of passing water is heard from the
bathroom.)
- Optimus Prime: Uh-oh!
- (Prime visits Dr. Ratchet at his medical clinic.)
- Optimus Prime: I didn't think going to the
bathroom so often was a problem. But just today, I saw blood in my
urine!
- Ratchet: Ewww! Well,
I'd better have a look. (shoves his gloved fist up Prime's
prostate)
- Optimus Prime: Ow! Whoa! Using the whole fist,
Doc?
- (Ratchet and Prime are now sitting in Ratchet's office
discussing the test results.)
- Ratchet: It's what I feared: prostate cancer,
and it's advanced! I'm sorry Prime, but you're going to die!
- (Prime is now laid out on a hospital bed, with a window
view of the birds, which Swoop eats.
Ironhide, Bumblebee, and Arcee visit Prime and give him flowers. Arcee
cries and goes off with Ironhide to be comforted. Bumblebee tries
to hold Prime's hand, but Prime just pulls it away to look at a
signed photograph of Spike Witwicky and cry while holding it. Then,
Prime dies, all the Autobots cry, and Prime transforms into a
casket. We now cut back to Ratchet's medical clinic, where the 20th
Anniversary Masterpiece Optimus Prime is sitting down in a chair
talking to the audience.)
- Optimus Prime: Hi, I'm Optimus Prime. What
you've just seen was a dramatization of what you, your friends, and
your family go through if you don't get regular prostate exams. Now
we Transformers don't have organic internal organs, and can't get
cancer. But you do, and you can!
- Jazz: So get your ass
checked out before it's too late, turkeys!
- Voiceover: This has been a message from the
Cybertronian Medical Association.
- Human Torch: (getting a
prostate examination) It, uh, it burns when I pee.
- Optimus Prime: (pops into the scene)
What did I just tell you?!
- Man 1: I am so hungry!
- Man 2: Hi, Mr. Hungry, may I call you So?
(pause, Man 1 punches Man 2 behind the couch)
- Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like some
tasty bamboo, especially when you're Ling Ling, who's traveled all
the way from China to visit... um... ah... I'm sorry, I just don't
feel safe next to this animal.
- Cameraman: It's completely harmless,
Jerry.
- Jerry Poppendaddi: Er, ah, are you sure? It's
just that... ah... alright...
- Cameraman: Still rolling.
- Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like a nice
piece of bamboo... ah... when... Crap!
- Cameraman: Stop being such a wuss.
- Jerry Poppendaddi: I-I-I... it's... fine.
Fine!
- Cameraman: Rolling.
- Jerry Poppendaddi: There's...ah...nothing like
a nice piece of bamboo, especially when... [the panda leans
over, bites Jerry's head off, and burps]
- Bloopers Host: You just can't trust the
Chinese. [audience laughs] There certainly weren't any
Chinese in Hazzard County! But Bo and Luke had problems of their
own!!!
- Bloopers Host: Here's some rare footage from
that smash-hit cartoon, "Pokémon"...
- Pikachu: Pikachu! Pika Pika. Pika Pi!
- Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squirtle
Squirtle!
- Pikachu: Pika Pika! Pikachu!
- Squirtle: Squirtle Squirtle! Squir- What the
f*** am I saying?! No, I mean it! This s*** makes no sense at
all!
- Pikachu: Say the lines, Earl, or you'll get
the gas!
- Squirtle: For the love of Christ, kids, go
read a book or something!
Nutcracker Sweet [1.2]
- Commander Keith: We just got served,
team!
- Voltron Force: Voltron, represent!
- News Anchor: And in other news tonight,
Voltron got totally served!
- Mouse: Daaamn!
- Saucy McFoodlefist: Hey, Kool-Aid! [hits a
baseball into the Kool-Aid man, cracking his pitcher and causing
him to leak]
- Kool-Aid Man: OH, NO!
- Pennywise the Clown: Everything floats down
here. That is, if its mass per unit of volume is equal to or
lighter than that of water.
Gold Dust Gasoline
[1.3]
- Michael: Better use the turbo boost.
- KITT: Michael, wait! I can only use my
turbo boost once per episode!
- Michael: Well, I'm using it.
- [Michael pushes the turbo boost, and crashes into a
bridge]
- Speed Racer: [not making any
movement] It's important that I do not move because if I were
to move that would add to the cost, so if I stay perfectly still
that will be preferable to moving because animation costs money.
Ahhhhh.
- Robin:
Gosh-golly-gee-willicker-zippity-jippity-doo, Batman! Those
policemen are pretty rude!
- Batman: Robin, law-enforcement
officers are the backbone of our society. [the cops from CHiPs
moon Batman and Robin] Mother-fucks!
- Robin: I don't believe in cheating, Batman. I
only believe in doing what's right.
- Batman: If you don't want a Bat-Bitch Slap,
you'll launch the Bat-Net and take down those cops!
- Robin: OOPS...! [accidently launches a
grappling hook that hit Ponch's face]
- Ponch: AAAUUUGGGHHH!!
- Batman: RETRACT THE LINE! RETRACT THE
LINE!
- Robin: NO, NO, DON'T RETRACT! DON'T
RETRACT!
- Ponch: AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!
- Robin: AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!
GET IT OFF ME!!!!!! AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!
[Ponch's head lands on Robin's lap causing panic in the
Batmobile eventualy making Batman crash]
- Luigi: Mario, we're-a losing!
- Mario: It's-a time to use-a the Blue
Tortoise Shell, no?
- Luigi: Do it, you magnificent stereotypical
bastard!
- Wario: The Blue Tortoise Shell is
Mario Kart racer's ultimate weapon! It magically finds the lead car
in the race, and takes it out! Wha-hah-hah-hah!
- Dominic: You're more man than me, Headless
Ponch.
- Merman: [laughing, talking to animals in
boat] You guys are gonna drown, but we're a mermaid and a
merman! We can swim! [Dragon bites mermaid's head
off]
- Dragon: I hope you can also asexually
reproduce, asshole.
- Merman: Crap.
Plastic
Buffet [1.4]
- Narrator: The band's woes weren't limited to
financial trouble.
- Howard Stern: Come on, Tommy Lee's rich, he's
good looking, it couldn't have been that bad.
- Janice: Like, he gave me Hepatitis C. I only
have five years to live!
- Howard: You gonna show me those boobs?
- Janice: F*** you, Howard! I'm dying!
- Narrator: The band pinned their comeback on
their Star Search Special, but no one could foresee the
consequences for the band's most beloved member.
- Ed McMahon: Oh-ho-ho, did you see that? The
drummer looks like an epileptic ragdoll! Oh-ho-ho.
- [Animal gets angry and kills Ed McMahon]
- Narrator: After a long history of behavior
problems the on-air attack of Ed McMahon was the last straw. The
Courts ruled that the band's drummer Animal be put down.
- [Animal's still angry but calms down after being put down.
Janice cries watching Animal being put down, being held by
Floyd]
- Harrison Ford: I'd like to meet the team of
engineers who'll accompany me on my mission to space.
- NASA Guy Actually, the remaining five spots on
the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song
for this mission.
- Steven Tyler: I'm ready to rock!
[vomits]
- Harrison Ford: My God! Did you just get off
the centerfuge trainer?!
- Steven Tyler: No, I just shot smack into both
my eyeballs! Yeeahhoo!
- [cut to a live action man]
- Live Action Man: That's terrible! Steven Tyler
has been clean for years! I'm going to write an angry letter.
[changing to lispy voice] Dear assfaces.
- Sean O'Keefe: [after the spaceshuttle
crashes on the meteor] Fuck!!!
- George W. Bush: Fuck!!!
- Live Action Man: Now THAT sucks
donkey balls... [the meteor destroys the Earth]
Toyz
in the Hood [1.5]
- Police officer 1: Freeze!
- Dad: Freeze?! When I drop a fairy?! You know
I'm only getting started, motherf--
- Police officer 1: Hey, sir, put down the
weapon! Put down the weap--
- [The dad starts shooting until the police arrest
him]
- Police officer 1: Stay down!
- Police officer 2: On the ground!
- [Presidential Report Blooper starts]
- Reporter 1: This just in: CNN calls the state
of Florida for Al Gore! That means Gore has won the Presidential
Election. Thank you, Jesus!
- Reporter 2: Sure dodged that
bullet.
- [Blooper ends]
- Bloopers Host: Oops.
- [CSI Bloopers start with an operator getting surprised, not
realizing that he cut himself]
- Operator: [laughing] Oh, you guys!
That was-- That was really fun-- [realizing] Oh, Jesus, I-
I f***ing cut myself! It's really bad, it's deep! F***! Ow!
- [another Blooper starts, this time with an already-covered
victim and investigators on the scene]
- Investigator: This bullet casing shouldn't be
here if the shooting took place 10 meters west.
- [the victim farts, and the investigators laugh]
- Victim: Sorry, that was me. Sorry. I'm sorry.
Sorry. [another fart] Sorry about that.
Vegetable Fun Fest
[1.6]
- Charlie Brown: Meet the kite-eating tree, you ugly son of a
bitch!
- Charlie Brown: This is different from the
time we got lost in France, or when we almost drowned
during the great river raft race. I fear just having a positive
attitude with strong Christian overtones won't save us this
time.
- Marcie: Hold me, Sir.
[she and Peppermint Patty French-kiss]
- Charlie Brown: I said "strong Christian
overtones"!
- Charlie Brown: I'm at the end of my rope,
Lucy. Everybody else is dead, besides you and me. I thought being
stuck as a pre-pubescent bald kid for 50 years couldn't get any
worse!
- Charlie Brown: Poor Linus...
- Lucy: That block-head!
Everyone's a block-head! Block-head! Block-head! Block-head!
- Police officer: Whaa wha whaa wha wha wha wha
wha whaa...
- Lucy: What did he say?!
- Charlie Brown: Arrgh! I never have
any idea what any adult says! It's always that "wha wha wha"
crap!
- Lucy: Kick the ball, you block-head!
- Charlie Brown: But everytime I try to kick it,
you just pull it away!
- Lucy: This time I won't!
- Charlie Brown: [to himself] Maybe
this time she means it, I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna kick the
football! [kicks Lucy] That's for years of humiliation,
bitch!
A Piece of the Action
[1.7]
- Pizza Chef: Hey, mamma mia! The cannoli! Eh,
lasagna!
- Man with Gun: Hey, pasta fagioli! A spicy
meatball!
The Deep
End [1.8]
- Aquaman: Listen, uh, I don't mean to
be nitpicky or anything, but, um, the living room hasn't been
vacuumed in weeks and...
- Superman: Hey, Waterman, I was
busy, you know...realigning the planet, or something.
- Aquaman: But you drew vacuuming out of the job
jar and everyone else...
- Superman: Face it. Who's gonna save the Earth
from a giant meteor while Superman's vacuuming? You? I don't think
so.
- Aquaman: I could. Hey!
- Host: WHO POOP LAST!
- Khan: Your change, (knocks James T. Kirk's
glass of water over) sir.
- Kirk:
KHAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!! (everyone runs
away) KHAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!
S&M
Present [1.9]
Badunkadunk [1.10]
- Black Michael
Jackson: Now you've gone too far! [Dances.]
Prepare to die!
- Alien 1: Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT! Years of
planning, ruined!
- Alien 2: How were we gonna take over the world
with a white Michael Jackson, anyway?
- Alien 1: Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT!
Toy
Meets Girl [1.11]
- Lion-O: After Mumm-Ra died of testicular
cancer, there... was nobody left for the Thundercats to fight. We
had to get real jobs.
- Moore: Mm-hmm... was construction your first
job?
- Lion-O: Uh....
- Man on Phone: Hey, a bunch of us are going to
the bar later and...
- Man watching TiVo: Well why don't you take
your bar and shove it up your ass, I'm watching TiVo!!
- Destro: Everyone just sort of lost interest. I
think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much
trouble.
- Sheera: Am I done yet?
- Moore: You'll know, Sheera, you'll know.
Midnight Snack [1.12]
- Alien 1: Dammit! Dammit! DAMN IT!
- Benjamin Franklin: I suppose y'all saw what
the Wright Brothers did to old Ben Franklin last week. Well, if you
think it's a bunch of bull-crap, gimmie a "boo-yaaaah!"
- Black Midget: Yeah! Then the five-O plant the
DMA evidence. You can't trust to police! One time a police take my
shoeshine box. Beat me with it! My lordy!...What? Every black man
on TV gots to be a posamative role model?
- Judge: Jack Backett you are charged with
double homicide. How do you plead.
- Jack: Not guilty, your honor.
- Jury Foreman: This is gonna be fun!
Yee-haw.
- Dog: [Busts into the courtroom with a
gun]
- Guy in the courtroom: Oh my God! He's got a
gun!
- People in the courtroom:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
- Dog: Nobody listened to me before, Jack must
die! [Starts shooting everyone in the courtroom.]
- Narrator: Tune in next time when every dog has
its day.
Atta Toy
[1.13]
- [Papa Smurf and
Brainy are in Vanity's house,
investigating the latter's murder. Brainy opens Vanity's styler to
see what happened to him.]
- Papa Smurf: Jesus Smurfing Christ!
- Brainy: (catching breath) Oh! The
comb is in his...and the lipstick is...oh, I can't look!
- Papa Smurf: One thing's for certain, Brainy.
Vanity Smurf died the way he lived.
- Brainy: Bicurious?
- [Brainy Smurf enters Smurfette's house, when all
of a sudden, he sees Jokey holding a box.]
- Jokey: Oh, Brainy. Hi, Brainy!
- Brainy: Oh, no! Jokey! Your sense of humor,
your total disregard for smurf safety, your Se7en movie trading card collection...
You're the killer!
- Jokey: I got you a present!
- Brainy: What's in the box, Jokey, What's in
the box!?
- Jokey: It's a surprise!
- [Brainy opens the box.]
- Brainy: NOOOOO!!! OH, SMURFETTE, NOOOOO!!!
[The box explodes.]
- Jokey: SURPRISE!!!
MWAHAHAHAHA!!!
- Brainy: What the f*** is wrong with you?
- Homer Simpson: Morning Apu,
one order of Freedom Fries, please?
- Apu:
Oh, for the love of my heathen God. They're called french fries,
you fat, stupid American!
- Guy: Department Of Homeland Security, don't
move!
- Apu: What?!
- [The Department Of Homeland Security guys point their guns
at Apu, then shows The Simpsons family at a barbeque.]
- Simpsons: Happy Birthday America!
- Marge Simpson: I hope Apu has
learned his lesson.
- [Scene then changes to a naked Apu chained to the neck by
Lynndie England in a detention prison]
- Apu: I am so sorry I ever dared question the
wisdom and strength of the United States of America.
- Lynndie England: Damn
straight, yee-ha!
- Reporter: Time now for Celebrity Birthdays.
Diff'rent Strokes star, Conrad Bain is 82.
Adult film star, Ron Jeremy is 69. [music plays for a
short time] And comedy trailblazer, Fatty Arbuckle is 118. At least he
would be, if he wasn't [bleep] worm food. In your face, Fatty
Arbuckle! You fat, filthy, [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep] [Bleep]
[Bleep] fat f[Bleep] [Bleep]!
Joint
Point [1.14]
- Queen Beryl: Soon I will have
your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will
come to fruition!
- [Notices her erection.]
- Queen Beryl: Oh...anime sure is weird!
Kiddie
Pool [1.15]
Nightmare Generator
[1.16]
- [The A-Team are about to take off in a
helicopter.]
- B.A.: I ain't flyin', Hannibal! No way, no
how!
- Hannibal: That sounds perfectly reasonable
B.A., now calm down and have some nice milk.
- B.A.: [drinks glass of milk] Mmm,
milk, Good for the bones, good for the kids. I pity the fool who
ain't got no calcium in his diet!
- [Murdock drops a huge TV on B.A.]
- Faceman: Murdock, we drugged the milk! You
didn't have to hit him over the head!
- [Next scene, aboard the helicopter]
- Murdock: Hey, you know what happens to someone
who's repeatedly given drugged milk? Severe lactose
intolerance.
- [The unconscious B.A. begins farting up a storm]
- Faceman: Damn it, the windows won't roll
down!
- Hannibal: This is gonna be a long
flight...
- Faceman: Greetings. Is this where the thugs
and/or criminals hang out? Because, I too, am a thug and/or
criminal.
- Thug 1: Holy crap, it's Faceman from the
A-Team!
- Thug 2: Get him!
Operation Rich In Spirit
[1.17]
- Man in jacket: I think I just s*** out my
heart, [gasp] I wonder if she puts out...
- Daphne: Gosh, Freddy, are we really going to
go all the way?
- Fred: If one more person says something about
my ascot, I'll -- damn, it's fashionable!
- Fred: I suggest we split up. Shaggy and
Scooby, you check the campground. Velma, you check the woods.
Daphne and I will check out the bunkhouse and have some of that
nice sex until you get back.
- Phyllis Diller: Sex? You? With her? But with
that dickey, you couldn't even bag an old bag like me!
[laughs]
- Fred: [slaps her] It's an ascot, you
old whore! An ascot!
- Phyllis Diller: [punches Fred] Well,
your "ascot" laid out by this old whore, dickey.
- Shaggy: Man, I am one sad dog-food-eating
hippie.
- Velma: The virgin always lives the longest in
these horror movies. God, my life sucks!
- Don Knotts: You think your life sucks? One of
my apartment tenants might be a flaming homo! [audience
laughs] And that ain't all - somebody killed me! [falls
down with a knife in his back]
- Velma: Now let's see who you really are.
[Unmaskes Jason] Old Man Phillips?! But why?
- Phillips: Spanish doubloons in that lake!
Thousands as far as the eye can see! It would have been all mine,
if it weren't for you meddling kids!
- Velma: A-a bunch of coins?! My
friends are all dead! They're dead, and I'm still a virgin! A
virgin!!
- Phillips: Y'know... we can fix that.
The Sack
[1.18]
- Frooger: Now's our chance, boys!
- [His friends come over to him.]
- Stix the Rabbit: Ooh! Stix cereal! I gotta
have some!
- Boy & Girl: Stupid bunny, Stix are
intended for children!
- Stix the Rabbit: Just give me a little!
- Girl: He touched me inappropriately!
- [Stix gets sent to jail.]
- Kaneda:TAATTSUUOO!!!
- Tony The Tiger: Use the hollow-point bullets.
They're G-r-r-r-roovy!
- Capn' Crunch: Their bones will stay crunchy
even when it's soaked in blood! Ha ha!
- Cookie Criminal: Couldn't lay off the sugar
right?
- Stix the Rabbit: (crying) But I can't
help myself. My mother ate sugar when she was pregnant with
me!
- Cookie Criminal: You wanna control the sugar?
Stop using and start selling. Here, hook this guy up when you're
out.
- Officer: Rabbit, you're out.
- Stix the Rabbit: Really? But its only been an
hour!
- Officer: You in Alabama foo', an hour's all
you get for touchin' a child.
- Toucan Sam: Well, just follow my snout. It's
never in doubt.
- Jungle Guide: (whispers to Stix) A snout that
big, it should know more than Einstein. Heh! Heh!
- Toucan Sam: KILL THAT MOTHERF***ER!
- [All the refugees around Toucan Sam shoot the guide
rapidly.]
- Stix the Rabbit: (refering to the cocaine)
Wow! Do you have any idea how rich am I going to be selling this
cocaine...SUGAR! (realized and telling the audience) I meant to say
'SUGAR'! Okay! (long pause) There!
- Reporter #1: Mayor McCheese! Mayor McCheese!
How do your views differ from Governor Schwarzenegger given that
he's a republican, and you have a cheeseburger for a head?
- Mayor McCheese: It's a birth defect! Oh, I've
dealt with prejudice all my life...
- Reporter #2: Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! There have
been allegations that you've taken women to motel rooms and paid
them to go to the bathroom on your chest.
- Ham Burglar: Uh, uh, robble, robble, robble,
robble!
That
Hurts Me [1.19]
- Devil: What the Hell?!(after hell gets frozen
over)
- Nerd (in a singsong voice): I got laid! I got
laid! I got laid!
- Hot girl: What can I say? Nerds are hot.
- Nerd (still singing): Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid!
L-A-YED! Laid! Laid! Laid! Laid! Gonna tell the internet!
[hangs himself]
- Freddy Krueger: If Ghostface got voted out,
take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true. Ha ha ha ha!
You get it? Ha ha ha ha! A dream! Ha ha ha ha! I kill people in
their nightmares. That is what I do, that's my thing.
- Freddy Kreuger: Fighting boredom is the
hardest part of living in the Big Brother house.
- (Jason Voorhes playing charades, mimes TV, a robot, and a
chicken)
- Freddy Kreuger: In case you were wondering,
the answer was The Da Vinci Code.
- Doug: I wanna end up in Keira Knightley's
underwear!
- Monk:(sighs) They always want that.
- (Later)
- Doug:(To Keira Knightley) I was almost your
underwear, ya know.
- Timmy: (when kid 2 gets done raking leaves, he
jumps into the pile) Ha Ha jerkass! (hits a hidden fire
hydrant)
- Kid 2: I got you, Timmy!
- Timmy: I...can't feel my legs.
The
Black Cherry [1.20]
- Britney Spears: You can have my black cherry
Justin. ..... ow, my butt!
Robot Chicken
Christmas Special [1.21]
- Gohan: Dad, could you kick an angel's
ass?
- Goku: You're damn right I could.
- Gohan: Is that Santa on the roof?
- Goku: Well if not, I got a present for
him. [racks handgun slide]
- (Santa falls hard out of the chimney.)
- Gohan: Santa, Santa!
- Santa: Oh! my motherfucking knee, Oh,
fuck! Fuck! Oh, fucking damn it out of hell that hurts like a
motherfucker!
- Gohan: Dad, what's a fucker?
- Goku: Uh... er... heh. So, uh Santa,
what happened?
- Santa: Bandits, Goku; they stole my reindeer,
and all the presents... and my pants!
- The Nutcracker: Hahaha, Christmas is
ours!
- Reindeer: You'll never get away with
this!
- Composite Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho! (Makes a fist)
I've got FIVE good reasons for YOU to shut up! (Pulls out a gun and
shoots the reindeer five times) One two three four five!
- Gohan:Dad, who are those guys?
- Goku: Kung fu legends. That's the Little
Drummer Boy. His mystical drum conjures summon demons most foul.
The Nutcracker. He knows over 100 different testicle-based attacks.
And Composite Santa Claus, who looks like one half Santa and one
half Frosty the Snowman.
- Gohan: What are Composite Santa's powers?
- Goku: I don't know, but he freaks me right the
fuck out!
- Reindeers: [After seeing Goku and Gohan's
Kamehameha, killing two reindeers, making like a path] HOLY
SHIT!!!!
- Composite Santa: [Composite Santa is
vertically cut in half by the Kamehameha blast] Temperatures
over 32 degrees farenheit... my only weakness! [Composite Santa
dies]
- (After taking down the NutCracker with his nimbus cloud)
- Gohan: Hah! You're not so tough!
- NutCraker: Testicle attack
No.49!! (punches Gohan in the groin)
- Gohan: Owww! My Dragonballs!
- Reindeer 1: Your nose shoots lasers?!?
- Rudolph: You don't think there is a reason it
glows red? What does yours shoot? (Reindeer 1 blows boogers from
his snout) Eww!
- Composite Santa: [After a long Dragon-Ball
style "powering up" sequence] Okay, I've got nothing....
- Reindeer 1: It's payback time! Let's beat her
up so bad, her kids will inherit the bruises!
- Reindeer 2: Yeah, we'll hit her so hard,
she'll starve to death rolling!
- Reindeer 1: She's so ugly, we'll push her face
in dough and make gorilla biscuits!
- Reindeer 2: She so black, when she go to night
school, teacher mark her absent!
- Santa: Tha-that-that's still my wife,
guys.
- Santa: [Referring to the mutated Mrs.
Santa] She's grown too gigantic and unstable! Women.... am I
right, fellas?
[After Mrs. Santa turns into a snowflake and falls into Goku's
hands]
- Goku: The Tenka'ichi Budôkai is finally
complete!
- Santa: What the fuck are you talking about?
Was that even English? What happened to my wife? [A reindeer eats
the snowflake] *Sigh*, this is the last time I bring presents to
Japan. [Little Drummer Boy does a rimshot and drops his
sticks]
Season 2
Suck It
[2.1]
- Mike Lazzo: Hi y'all! I'm Adult Swim president
Mike Lazzo. The decision of the council is now fixin' to be
heard.
- Peter Griffin: Guilty!
- Space Ghost: Guilty!
- Master Shake: Oh ho, you're so-o frickin'
guilty!
- Seth Green: (screen starts to fly away
into space)
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!
Aaaaaaaahhhh!!" (screen crashes onto a UFO)
- Alien 1: "I think we hit something."
- Alien 2: "Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!"
- Seth Green: "Aaaaaahh!!"
(falls down onto his seat) "Ummff!"
- Keith Crofford: "Hey Seth,
what happened to you?"
- Seth Green: I don't know-" (slime comes
down as audience laughs)
- Keith Crofford: (laughs) "You're
renewed!"
- Skater McGee: And now I'm off to the next town
to kill more teenagers.
- Mayor: You're doing God's work, Skater
McGee.
- Mr. Potato Head: (to
Mrs. Potato Head after she gives birth to a carrot) You
whore!
- Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the
first stone. (everyone drops their stones, Jesus then hits the
prisoner with his stone) Blammo!
Federated Resources
[2.2]
- Naked Guy: This is how I dance, when I'm not
wearing underpants. Nothing I like more than to dance, and I'm not
gonna wear no pants. You can't make me-- (scene cuts off)
- [J.K. Rowling is going through trash, looking for
food.]
- ["Manchester, England 1989"]
- Jerk: J.K. Rowling.
- J.K. Rowling: Cor blimey, are
you an angel?
- Jerk: I am from the future. In fifteen years
time, you will be a best selling children's book author, whose net
worth is more than one billion american dollars!
- J.K. Rowling: I had an idea about a boy
wizard.
- Jerk: No! Your books will be about uh-a
magical racoon. He has an afro. His name is Squiggles and he shoots
pixie dust out of his bunghole!
- J.K Rowling: Thank you, I'll start right
away!
- Jerk: Haha
- ["Dicks with Time Machines"]
- Dog Pound Worker: Okay, little girl, take any
pet you like.
- Vickie: Thanks.
- [Sees Lion-O sitting in a cage.]
- Vickie: What are you doing in here, Mr.
Kittie-cat?
- Lion-O: A space time vortex opened up on my
home planet Thundera and I suddenly found myself on Earth, where
cats, apparently, don't share the same rights as humans.
- Vickie: You're so cute! I choose you!
- [Walking on the school yard.]
- Vickie: I can't wait for show and tell.
- Billy: Haha! Vickie has cooties, Vickie has
cooties!
- Vickie: Stop it, Billy!
- [Lion-O slams Billy up against a wall and starts pounding
on him.]
- Lion-O: Vickie...does...not...have...cooties!
Anyone else? Huh? Anyone else? Come on! I got nine lives and a
whole can of whup ass!
- [Vickie starts spraying Lion-O with water.]
- Vickie: Bad! Bad Mr. Kittie-cat!
- Lion-O: [Sarcastically.] Fine, fine I
over reacted. Sorry everybody. Sorry, that one's on me. [Turns
to Vickie, who has been continuing to spray him] Please stop
that.
- Vikie: This is my new pet. His name is Mr.
Kittie-cat and I got him at the pound.
- Lion-O: Actually, my name is Lion-O, leader of
the Thundercats. I'm the choosen one.
- Kid: Lame!
- [Lion-O jumps on him.]
- Lion-O: Ah come on Vickie, aren't we still
friends? Huh? BFF!
- Vickie: No!
- Lion-O: Ahhh ooh ohh! Vickie!
- Vickie: Go to hell!
- Dog Pound Worker: Don't worry, Lion-O, we'll
find you a home.
- Old Lady: Miss prissy pants, stop fussing with
your bow.
- Lion-O: This bow sucks and my name is Lion-O,
leader of the Thundercats. Sworn to...
- Old Lady: Oopsie, grouchy don't get any
tuna.
- Lion-O: [Under his breath.]] I better
get some freakin' tuna.
- Teacher: Yes?
- Girl Student: Because your wife was a
bitch?
- [On Blackboard it says "Reasons I Left My Wife:"]
- Teacher: Because...she was...a bitch.
Yes.
- Barber: There you go, one shaved head.
- Customer: [Shown to be naked] Great,
let's make the carpet match the drapes. [gestures towards pubic
area]
- Paul Revere: The British are
coming! The British are coming! [Sees a cave] Ooh, a
shortcut! [Slams into a painted wall, the time traveling jerk
pops out.]
- Mom: Margaret! Sarah!
- Margaret and Sarah: A pony! a pony! Yay! a
pony!
- Mom: Only one of you gets the pony. The other
one gets a whipping.
- Dad: Now let's see those report cards.
- Guy: It's Moses, he's back!
- Moses: God has blessed me with ten
irrefutable commandments for living.
- Guy: Is there anything on there about not
pushing your religion on other people?
- Moses: No.
- Guy: Didn't think so.
- Moses: Number one: he who smelt it, dealt
it.
- [Everyone laughs.]
- Moses: Wha? What's so funny? Stop it. Stop
laughing!
- [The time-travelling jerk is sitting behind him holding a
hammer and chisel.]
- ["Dicks with Time Machines"]
- Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born,
de umn børk børk børk, yorn desh born! Hey Björk Björk! Björk Björk
Björk, Björk Björk, Björk Björk, Björk Björk Björk. Hey Mork! Nanu!
Mork, Mork, Mork. Yorn desh dork! Hehe dork, dork! Hey, York! York,
York! Eh Quark! Quark! Quark Quark! Hey Tork! Peter Tork Tork Tork
Tork! Zork! Zork! Zork Zork! Zork Zork Zork! Hey, pork! Pork pork
pork! Pork pork! Fork? Fork fork fork. Fork fork. Hey, spork! Spork
spork! Spork spork! Spork spork! Ork! Ork! Ork!
- Swedish Chef's Wife: Ah what kept you honey?
Dinners waiting.
- Swedish Chef: (screaming in a completely
American accent) GET THE HELL OFF MY BACK, WOMAN!!!!! CAN'T I GET A
MOMENT OF FUCKING PEACE??!!! [Throws dishes on floor]
GOD!!!
- [Woman looks badly beaten up.]
- Woman: I...uh...I-I walked into a door.
- Salesman: Well then, can I interest you in our
line of Nerf Doors?
- Woman's husband: What about stairs? She's
gonna need some Nerf Stairs too.
[after Hitler's footage of his constipation ends the
war]
- Dick: Heh heh...douche...
["Heroes with Time Machines"]
- Corey Haim: [Yawns.]
Good morning! What are we going to do today, Corey Feldman?
- Corey Feldman: Same thing we
do every day, Corey Haim. We save the world.
- [Both get dressed and put on hair gel.]
- Corey Feldman: Let's go start the day!
- Corey Haim: Yeah!
- [Both ssitting on a couch flipping through
channels.]
- Mel E. Kazurowski (News Anchor): This just in:
President Bush's daughters are missing in action after the
helicopter carrying them to a USO tour event crashed in Brazilian
Rainforest. The military released the following video tape just
prior to the crash.
- Jenna Bush: Wooohoo! It's a
party! Aaa-whoo!
- Barbara Bush: My dad's
the president!
- Pilot: Ms. Bush please I can't see.
- Barbara Bush: Suck it!
- Pilot: Look out!
- Corey Feldman: Two presidental daughters!
That's one for each of us.
- Corey Haim: Feld-dog, let's roll.
- [They exit their house in a van that goes into a
jet.]
- Corey Haim: Coordinates are locked in.
- Corey Feldman: Let's punch it.
- Corey Haim: Woo!
- Corey Feldman: Yeah! Let's go, go ,go, go.
Whoa, this is tight! This is tight!
- Corey Haim: That's what it would be like if we
had the Corey Van and the Corey Jet.
- [They get on a bus.]
- ["96 Hours Later"]
- Corey Haim: Listen to me! We should have Corey
Rocketpacks!
- Corey Feldman: Hey Corey I've got an idea for
ya. How about a nice tall glass of shut the fuck up!
- Corey Feldman: Hey barkeep, nice frosty cola
right here.
- Corey Haim: Two straws please.
- Barkeep: We don't surve your kind here.
- Corey Feldman: Our kind? You mean
Americans?!
- Barkeep: No I mean anyone who's ever been on
the cover of a teen magazine. Like Ba, Tiger Beat, Teen Beat,
Cosmo, Grrl, J-14...
- Corey Haim: Hahah, boy, didn't you pick the
wrong two Coreys. He-he-hey hey guys, listen we don't want any
trouble and I don't think you do either so...
- Guy: To the contrary. Trouble is what you now
have because we are giving it to you.
- Corey Feldman: Wait! Wait hahaha just wait.
Now we're going to tear it up.
- Corey Haim: Yeah, Lost Boys style!
- [The Coreys get beaten up by the gang but one bumps into Dustin Diamond and he takes them all
out.]
- Corey Feldman: Wow! Thanks for helping us
douche...ah...Screech.
- Dustin Diamond: The location of the Bush
daughters is here and now I must return to my Muay Thai kickbox
training.
- Corey Feldman: Why would you help us?
- Dustin Diamond: Because I too am a former teen
idol. [giggles.]
- Corey Feldman: Ah no, actually you were more
like a second, third banana on a B-rated kids show but hey whatever
you say.
- [The Coreys arrive at a small shack.]
- Corey Haim: What the hell is this place? Is
this the place? Could this be the place? I'm going in either way
so...
- Partier: Love shack baby!
- Corey Feldman: Yo! Presidental babes!
- Corey Haim: We're here to rescue ya!
- Barbara: Rescue us? You can go straight to
hell!
- Jenna: Yeah we're finally free!! Free to
partay!
- Barbara: Woo!
- Jenna: Ah-ah. We're never going home!
Woohoo.
- Corey Haim: Look Feld-dog, if we can't bring
them home, we can't be heroes.
- Corey Feldman: Well Haims, looks like we gotta
rely on our one true skill.
- Corey Haim: Whoa wait, you're not talking
about the thing we do with our taints right? Are ya?
- Corey Feldman: No, Corey. Acting!
- President Bush: Even though
Corey Haim and Corey Feldman couldn't be here today, I want to
thank them for bringing my precious daughters home.
- [Shows The Coreys dressed up as The Bush Twins. Feldman as
Jenna and Haim as Barbara.]
- President Bush: I hereby declare that anyone
who hates the Coreys, also hates America.
- Corey Haim: Hey Feld-dog, Feld-dog. What
happens if they find the real Bush Twins, man?
- Corey Feldman: F-fat chance!
- [The Bush Twins are shown in a crate inside a warehouse,
full of other crates, being pushed by a guy while the Bush Twins
are yelling.]
- Barbara: Let us out!
- Jenna: Damn you to hell Corey Haim and Corey
Feldman!
- Barbara: My dad's the president. I'm gonna get
you buried in oil and then I'm going to get my dad to invade
you!
- Jenna: Actually I will get you hurt. Yeah
how'd you like to get your ass kicked by Hali-bu-burton or
Haliburton?!
- Barbara: Haha haha. Gee Jenna we're like old
apples tied up to a bag of (bleep)!
- Jenna: You suck!
- Barbara: I...ah...I gotta go to the
bathroom!
Easter
Basket [2.3]
- Barney the Dinosaur: I love you. You love
me.
- Girl: But I'm not in love with
you.
- Fred: Eh Barney-boy, this is
the life!
- Barney: You said it, Fred! An
entire civilization not wearin' underwear! Y'gotta love it!
- Fred: [Door knocks] Now who could
that be! [Barney laughs]
- Delivery Man: Hi, I'm Mr. Rock from FedEx
Stone. I got a delivery for Fred Flintstone from Amazon
Boulder.Com/Pebble. [sighs] Look, sometimes, the rock puns
don't fit too well, buddy. Do you want the package or not?
- Fred: [reads a letter that came with the
package] "Dear Fred, I hope this distracted you long enough.
Signed, Barney. P.S. I invented paper. Bitchin'!" [looks over
to Barney who tries to sneak out with a box of Fruity Pebbles]
Barney! My pebbles!
- Barney: [burying Fred's corpse]
Dammit, Fred, I just wanted some of your fucking cereal.
- Bird: [being used as a shovel] Oh,
his head always was full of rocks.
- Barney: [gasps] A witness! [kills
shovel-bird and runs back into the house] Witnesses!
The dishwasher!
- Octopus: My goodness Cretacious!
- Barney: The record player!
- Bird: He's off his rocker!
- Barney: The bidet!
- Turtle: Oh man, the things I've
witnessed...
- [The audience screams as Barney grabs the bird and pulls a
pig's tail.]
- Pig: Is he stone-cold crazy? You bet
Jurassic!
- Barney: No more puns! [he stuffs the bird
into the pig's mouth and laughs evilly.]
- Wilma: He's trying to sell
me a tampon, but I said "It's just a rock!" and he says "Well duh,
EVERYTHING'S a rock!"
- Barney the Dinosaur: (now in a street at night
standing next to a female smoker) I love you. You love me.
- Smoker: Either way, it's 50 bucks.
- Barney the Dinosaur: [in prison; sobbing] I
love you...*sniff* You love me...
- Cell Mate: Damn right!
- Man: Sit, Ubu, sit. BAD DOG! [gunshot]
Celebrity Rocket [2.4]
- [Two adults are riding a seesaw.]
- Little Child: [Runs up to them.] Can
I play?
- Adult: Oh, you go to HELL, you piece of
GARBAGE!
- [Little Child runs off crying]
[a man is fleeinga vampire in his car, he turns to look in
his mirror and because he cannot see the vampire's reflection
thinks he's fallen off]
- Man: Ahh, must have lost him.
[brakes hard causing the vampire to run into the back of the
car and collapse to the ground]
- Man: You know, while I'm out, I might as well
get some milk.
[throws the car in reverse running over the vampire's face,
not crushing it]
- Man: Wait a second, I have milk at home!
[Speeds forward, the tire peels skin off the vampires face
and drags the corpse behind the car]
- Man: La la la, gonna have some milk! La la
la....
Dragon
Nuts [2.5]
- Bill Gates: Hi, I'm Bill Gates. I
heard you take insane bets and wondered if you'd be my ass slave
for a billion dollars.
- Adult: [Sigh.] I'll get my coat.
- Boy: [With pants down, holding a laptop
computer.] I was only half way done! Half way done!
1987
[2.6]
- Doctor: [to Snoopy] What have you
been sleeping on?
- Palpatine: Ha ha ha ha, so I threw
the senate at him. The whole senate! True story!
- First Guard: Oh my God, that is so funny!
- Second Guard: You made it [Milk from the
carton in his hand] come out of my nose!
- Palpatine: [His phone rings] Go for
papa Palpatine.
- Operator: You have a collect call from -
[Vader's voice] Darth Vader.
- Palpatine: [Sighs.] Oh, I-I gotta
take this, hold on. Vader! How's my favorite Sith? Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, just, slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew
up the Death Star? Fuck! OH, FUCK!, FUCK! FUUUCK! Who's "they"?!
What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?!
[Sighs.] Okay, okay, s-so who's left? Are you shitting me?
Well where are you? Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two
weeks trying to get a signal? Oh, you must smell
like...feet...wrapped...in...leathery...burnt...bacon. Oh, oh, oh,
I'm, I'm sorry I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a
small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing
wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you have--do you have any idea
what this is gonna do to my credit? [Phone rings.] Ah,
hang on, I've got another call. [Switches line.] What?!
I'm very busy right now! Oh. Oh, we-well where're they going? Oh.
Alright, um, just get me a turkey club. Uh, cole slaw, I guess.
I-I'm not even gonna eat it. W-w-what're you getting? No, see, I
always order the wrong thing. No, no, no, I'll just stick with
that. Okay, bye--wait, what? Oh, a Cherry Coke. Thanks.
[Switches back to Vader.] Sorry about that.
[Sighs.] What? Oh-oh, "just rebuild it"? Oh, real fucking
original. And who's gonna give me a loan, jackhole, you? Y-you got
an ATM on that torso Lite-Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two
asthmatic ass back here or I'm gonna tell everyone what a whiny
bitch you were about "Padamamay" or "Panda
Bear" or whatever the hell her name was! Oh geez, he's crying! Ha,
ha...hey, hey, hey, hey, c'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just, just,
look, ah, y'know, I'm dealing with a lot of crap right now. Eh,
Death Star blown up by a bunch of fucking teenagers, y'know? I
didn't mean to snap. Oh, oh, j-just get back here. Okay, okay, bye.
I-I-yeh-I...I love you too.
- Skeletor: Aaaaaah. Oh, massage
chair, if we lived in Canada, I would make you my bride.
- Mo-Larr: [calling] Skeletor!
- Skeletor: Oh no! It's Mo-Larr, Eternian
Dentist!
- Mo-Larr: You missed your 10:15
appointment!
- Skeletor: I'm busy, Mo-Larr!
- Mo-Larr: You have an infected wisdom tooth,
Skeletor! It has to come out!
- Skeletor: I'm a talking skull! What do I care
if-- ah, you know what? To hell with this.
- Grizzlor: [To Mo-Larr, after he
gets stabbed in the eye with a dental drill.] How come
Beast-Man got the dental floss, and I get the fucking drill in my
eye?!
- Announcer: FIGHT! [Johnny Cage and Kano begin
fighting, Kano is about to knock out Johnny Cage] FINISH HIM! [Kano
punches Johnny's chest and takes his heart out; scene change to the
hospital]
- Nurse: Pressure's down to sixty...
- Doctor: Dammit! He's losing too much blood!
Don't you die on me, you hear, nurse get me more O-neg stat!
[scenes change to Jonny as he recovers, he is fed by his
girlfriend, he tries to walk, stumbles, but begins walking again,
eventually, he leaves the hospital; scene change back to the
wrestling arena, a banner says "Welcome Back Johnny!"]
- Kano: Feeling better?
- Johnny: I feel great!
- Announcer: FINISH HIM! [Kano takes out
Johnny's heart again]
- Senator: Pan-Global Oil keeps dumping sludge
into the Atlantic Ocean!
- Ted Turner: THAT BURNS MY ASS!
- Senator: Forget it, Ted, there's nothing you
can do.
- Ted Turner: Maybe I can't, but Captain Planet
CAN! [One of the members show that Ted's crazy]
- Captain Planet: [in restroom, Ted is changing
into Captain Planet] Captain Planet... [man enters, sees Ted, then
walks away]
[scene change to the office, Captain Planet runs by]
- Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET! [scene changes
to the streets.] CAPTAIN PLANET!! [runs past a guy who is holding
an aluminum can with a trash can and a recycling can near him; he
throws the can in the trash; Captain Planet notices and kicks the
man in the face.] CAPTAIN PLANET!
[scene changes to Pan-Global Oil Headquarters, where two
senators are talking.]
- Senator 1: Where are we gonna dump our sludge
next?
- Senator 2: Well, the Grand Canyon could hold a
lot of sludge.
- Senator 1: Oh, it sure could.
- Senator 2: Yeah, let's sludge the hell out of
the Grand Canyon.
- Senator 1: Yeah. [notices something offscreen]
Hey, is that Ted Turner?
- Senator 2: [also notices something, it is
Captain Planet on a zipline headed for their office.] Yeah, what
the hell is he doing?
- Senator 1: I dunno, he's on one of those
ziplines.
- Senator 2: Oh, yeah, is that what they call
"ziplines"?
- Senator 1: Yeah, ziplines.
- Senator 2: Oh, I never thought- [Captain
Planet breaks through the window, knocking away Senator 1 and
embedding glass in Senator 2's eye.]
- Captain Planet: CAPTAIN PLANET!
- Senator 2: You got glass in my eye!
- Captain Planet: And my foot in your balls!
[kicks him in the balls] CAPTAIN PLANET! [holds the senator out the
window threatening to drop him]
- Senator 2: What do you want Mr. Turner?!
- Captain Planet: To sign this agreement to not
dump any more sludge and I'll let you go. [the senator signs the
agreement] This appears to be in order. [drops him] CAPTAIN PLANET!
[the senator falls, screaming, to the ground, where he lands in a
dumpster and is killed instantly.]
- Captain Planet: PROTECT THE ENVIRONMENT, OR
I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! CAPTAIN PLANET!
Cracked
China [2.7]
- Eagle Eye Smith: I'M A CHAMPION!
- Pikachu: Pikachu!
- Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!
- Pikachu: [defeats Jigglypuff with a
Thunderbolt] Chu chu chu! Pika pika!
- Ash: Back in your Poké Ball,
Pikachu. [Pikachu goes back inside its Poké Ball]
- Misty: I wonder what it's
like inside those Poké Balls?
- Ash: I wonder when you'll shut up and make my
dinner!
- Gary: Are you ready to battle,
Ass?
- Ash: [growls] My name is
Ash!
- Ash: Go get 'em, Pikachu!
- [Charizard roars]
- Pikachu: Pikachu. (Subtitle) Douche.
- Voices: Braaains... braiiins...
- Man:Are you radioactive zombie mutants, or
survivors, thanking the only thing that's kept you alive?
- Voices: (after a pause) Zombies.
- Man: Okay.
- Voices: Didn't feel right to lie to you.
- [E.T.'s Mom is nitting waiting for E.T. to Phone
him]
- E.T.'s Mom: He said he would phone me but he
has'nt phone he knows how I worry.
Rodigitti
[2.8]
- Leonardo: Oh, no! I just
cowabunga'd in my pants!
- Raphael: Barfaroonie! I hope
you're wearing adult undergarments!
- Leonardo: It depends!
- Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes in a
Wheelchair!
- Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes
wearing diapers!
- Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes
touching Nurses!
- Song: Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dealing
with life's changes!
- Student: You suck Scott Norwood! You fucking
jerk.
- Future Guy: Uh, excuse me, what year is
this?
- Guy: Uh, 2006.
- Future Guy: 2006 haha oh man. Good luck
buddy.
- Daffy Duck: Sufferin' succotash!
- Elmer Phudd: I'm takin' you to
school, call me the professor
- You're sexually confused, 'cause you a cross-dresser.
- You like to kiss men, that's real funny.
- Call up Hugh Hefner, you a gay boy bunny.
- Master of the stage. You need a map junkie.
- You made a wrong left turn on Albuquerque.
- I'm a pimp because my hunting apparel's hot son.
- It was wiped by on your ho with my double barrel shotgun.
[Really shoots B Rabbit with his double barrel
shotgun]
- Daffy Duck: Now hold on a second,
man! It's not rabbit hunting season yet! See! [[Pints at the
sign that says "Wabbit Season (Not Yet)"] Okay! [Gives the
mic to B Rabbit] Your turn, B Rabbit!
- B Rabbit: Yeah, yeah. I know that
you call me wascally wabbit.
- Say your R's like W's that's a really bad habit.
- It's room, not woom. Trees, not twees.
- You replace so many R's, I thought you was Chinese.
- You're so stuck on yourself, I'll call you Elmer's glue.
- I got you some coffee, one lump or two?
- Elmer Phudd: Two?
- [B Rabbit hits him on the head twice with a
mallet]
- B Rabbit: I only dress like a girl, just to
prove that you're gay.
- Would you like a kiss handsome?
- Elmer Phudd: Really? OK!
- B Rabbit: Elmer packs "fudd". You heard what I
said.
- He's so bald, I'll put a "hare" on his head. [B Rabbit sits
on Phudd's head]
- I'll sit down on your head. Just like I was a thinker.
Hmm.
- [He farts while sitting down on his head] Ain't I a
stinker?
- DJ Bacon Bits: Th-th-th-that's
all, bitches!
Massage
Chair [2.9]
- Frank: Did you finish that marketing
proposal?
- Jim: Nope!
- Frank: I told you to give it to me today.
- Jim: I could've sworn you said Thursday!
- Frank: No, I said Wednesday.
- Jim: I don't think so, Thursday!
- Frank: Wednesday, douchebag!
- Jim: Thursday, assface!
- Frank: WEDNESDAY YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!
- Boss: What is going on here?!
- Frank: We're having a fight about the due date
of the marketing proposal.
- Boss: Well then there's only one one way to
solve it.
- [The scene changes to a Mortal Kombat-style
fight]
- Announcer: FIGHT!!
- Jim: [Punches Frank in the face]
- Frank: [Throws staplers at Jim] Stapler!
Stapler!
- Jim: [Throws papers at Frank] Post It! Post
It! P-P-P-Post It!
- Announcer: Finish him!
- Jim: [Performs Fatality by smashing Jim
with a cupboard]
- Announcer: Level 2!
- Nancy: You know that proposal was on
Wednesday, Jim!
- Jim: Thursday, Nancy.
- Announcer: FIGHT!!
- Nancy: [Throws coffee at Jim] Hot coffee! Hot
Coffee!
- Jim: [Stretches arms and touches Nancy's
breasts] Sexual Harassment!
- Nancy: [Shows lawsuit papers to Jim] Lawsuit!
Lawsuit!
- Jim: [Stabs Nancy in the eye with a knife]
Letter opener!
- Announcer: Level 3!
- Jim: Ryu from Street Fighter? I didn't know you
worked here!
- Ryu: I don't, but that
proposal was definitely due on Wednesday!
- Announcer: FIGHT!!
- Ryu: Hadouken! [Takes 85% off
of Jim's life bar.]
- Jim: I'll get right on it.
- Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals seem to be
all right, there is however one thing thought, your midi-chloriant
count is extremely high.
- Bush: Does that mean I'm one of them- whata
call 'em- Jedis? [thinks then uses the force to pull down the
doctors pants] Heheheheheheh.
- [scene change to Bush and his wife in bed]
- Laura Bush: Oh not tonight, I'm tired
honey...
- Bush: [mind trick] You're not tired, you wanna
have a threesome!
- Laura Bush: [eyes widen] I'm not tired, I want
to have a threesome!
- Bush: [picks up telephone] Get me
Condi! Heheheheh.
- [scene change to a parking lot at McDonalds; Bush is about
to park when Bill Clinton takes his spot]
- Clinton: Awww, sorry W, Big Mac attack!
YEEEEEEEEHEEEEW! [Bush is angry and uses the force to drop Clinton
and his car in a nearby lake] Hey, what the dilly?!?
- Bush: Heheheheheheh!
- [scene change to George Bush using lightsaber to carve the
words "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial] Heheh, saber
beats rock!
- [statue lifts up revealing Abraham Lincoln]
- Bush: What the hell?
- Lincoln: Who dares disturb my slumber?
- Bush: Who dares question
my...daring...of...his dare?...Jerk!
- Lincoln: It is I...I who freed the slaves...I
who-
- Bush: BORING! Let's fight! [Lincoln draws
a lightsaber and they begin the fight, Bush corners
Lincoln]
- Lincoln: If you strike me down, I shall
become- [Bush raises his saber for the kill] NO WAIT A
MINUTE, LEMME FINISH- [gets sliced and dies like Obi-Wan Kenobi
in A New Hope'] AHHHHH!
- Bush: That'll teach you, George
Washington!
- [scene change to Cloud City where Darth Vader tells Luke
Skywalker he is his father]
- Bush: Jenna, get over here right now! I AM
YOUR FATHER!
- Jenna: [on the thing Luke was on]
That's not true! That's impossible! My real father would let me go
clubbing as late as I want! [flicks him off]
- Bush: Why you little- [slices off her
middle finger]
- Jenna: OWWWWW!
- Bush: No baby...I'm sorry!
- Jenna [she falls] AAAAAAAAAAAHHH
[distant] You suck!
- Bush NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
- [scene change to Bush asleep on his desk; he wakes
up]
- Bush: Wa- Was it all just a dream?
- Senator: [rushes in] Mr. President, we still
haven't found any weapons of mass destruction!
- Bush: [tries to do a mind trick] You HAVE
found weapons of mass destruction.
- Senator: Uhh...hi. We haven't.
- Bush: [tries again] You HAVE.
- Senator: [sighs] Uh, I don't know what you're
doing.
- Bush: [still waving his hand] Bring
me a taco.
- Senator: Yes sir! [runs out of the
office]
- Bush: Heheheh, tacos rule!
Password: Swordfish
[2.10]
- Ron: Harry, I'm scared!
- Harry: You're always scared, you chicken
shit!
- Ron: I can’t help it! I’m a scared,
pimple-faced, red-headed, chicken shit virgin!
- Harry What are we going to do?
- Hermione: Let’s ask Hagrid for help.
- Harry: Don’t be ridiculous, Hermione. We need
to confront the terrible horror ourselves and potentially end up
hospitalized, like always.
- Hermione: Professor Snape, Harry and Ron were
cursed by the monster Pubertus.
- Snape: Pubertus eh? Let's discuss this further
in my magical jacuzzi. Barry Whitus, Candle Lightus. Girl
Excitus!
- Snape:So... shall we play "Put the Sorting Hat
on the Slytherine?"
- Hermione:Pedophilius Repellus!
- Draco Malfoy: Look Potter, I taught the
Sorting Hat a new trick! [he places it onto Harry Potter's
head]
- The Sorting Hat: VIRGIN!
- [Students laugh]
- Malfoy: Looks like Potter is
"He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Laid." Heheh. Guess the monster Pubertus
hasn't quite caught up with you yet, huh?
- Hermione: Ugh, Pubertus is just a myth,
Malfoy!
- [Malfoy places the hat on Hermione's Head]
- The Sorting Hat: SECOND BASE!
- [Students gasp]
- [Ricky gets run over by a car while playing
soccer.]
- Ricky's Dad: Ricky, the doctors say the
accident left you mute. Do you know what that means? (Ricky
shakes his head) It means you can't talk no more. (now
cheerful) But just because you can't talk don't mean you can't
communicate. Look what I got you! (shows him a big sandwich
board saying "Hi, my name is Ricky!") You'll wear this
everywhere you go.
- [The soccer game continues to play, Ricky is in possession
of the soccer ball.]
- Red Team Player #1: Kick it over here, "Hi, my
name is Ricky"!
- [Ricky starts passing the ball but the defense blocks
it.]
- Blue Team Player #1: Nice job on Defense, "Hi,
my name is Ricky"! You suck! You seriously fucking suck, dude!
- [The accident sequence continues to go on, Ricky gets run
over twice.]
- Ricky's Dad: Ricky, the doctors say the
accident left you mostly deaf. Do you know what that means? I said,
"Do you know what that means?!" Well anyways, this is just another
challenge, yo champel! I got you those hearing aids. (fits two
horns of Ricky's ears)
- [The soccer game continues once again. Ricky, as his
sandwich board now reads "Hello, I am hearing impaired!" gets the
ball.]
- Coach: Nice huzzle, "Hello, I am hearing
impaired!"
- [Another blue player blocks the ball.]
- Blue Team Player #2: You kinda suck, "Hello, I
am hearing impaired!"
- [Ricky gets run over for the last time.]
- Ricky's Dad: Ricky, the doctors say the
accident affected your brain. We don't know what that means yet,
but I got you these googly eye glasses.
- [The soccer game continues for a third time, as Ricky, with
his googly eye glasses and sandwich board now saying "Howdy, I have
brain damage!", stands by the blue team's goal. The ball bounces
off Ricky and straight into the goal.]
- Red Team Player #2: We won, "Howdy, I have
brain damage!"
- Red Team Player #1: Three cheers for "Howdy, I
have brain damage!"
- Red Team Players: [hoisting up Ricky]
Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip hooray! Hip-hip hooray!
- [Ricky's dad is seen in the crowd.]
- Man: That was impressive. Uh, which one's your
son again?
- Ricky's Dad: Um, that fat Asian kid.
- Love A Lot Bear: We killed all the care-bear
cousins!
- All Care Bears: Hooray for murder!
- Cheer Bear: Now let us celebrate our genocide!
GET YOUR PARTY ON!
- Care Bear: Everyone eat some rainbow!
- Another Care Bear: Mmmm...that's some good
rainbow! [sky darkens and lightning flashes] Jesus Fucking Christ!
IT'S THE GREAT CLOUD KEEPER IN THE SKY!
- Cloud Keeper: Care Bears! I have watched you
actions with great displeasure!
- Cheer Bear: But, we purified the land of
Care-a-Lot!
- Cloud Keeper: For your dark and terrible
deeds, I shall turn Care-a-Lot into a dark and terrible place. A
hell on Earth! I shall turn Care-a-Lot into...[lightning]...NEW
JERSEY! [transformation begins and cuts to a mayors desk]
- New Jersey Mayor: Hello. I'm New Jersey's
Governor John Corzan. I hope you've enjoyed this reenactment of our
state's proud history. [eats some rainbow] The Garden State: Come
get in on some of this rainbow!
Adoptions an Option
[2.11]
- [Waving goodbye to Elliot.]
- E.T.: Be good.
- Elliot: Good-Goodbye E.T.
- E.T.: E.T. home.
- Alien #1: Oh my god! Look everyone, that
retard we ditched on earth somehow found his way home!
- E.T.: E.T. phoned home.
- Alien #2: What the hell are you calling
yourself "E.T." for spaz? Your name is Kleeborp. Kleeborp the
retard!
- Alien #3: Yeah, Kleeborp the retard with only
one glowing finger.
- Aliens #1, #2, #3: Ha, Ha! [shows all
glowing fingers]
- E.T.: [gives them a glowing middle
finger]
- Alien #1: Oh now you're fucking dead.
[Aliens grab E.T.]
- E.T.: [Screams like a girl]
- Alien #1: AND NEXT TIME, STAY LOST,
LOSER!
- E.T.: [Looks at Xenomorph from Alien]
Friend.
- Fast-food Worker: [Practicing to himself
at a drive-through window] Would you like fries with that?
Would you like fries with that? Would you like fries with that?
[Car pulls up] Uh, excuse me! Would you like flies with
that? [realizing his mistake] Ahhhh dammit!!!
- Penny: Who
bookmarked dog on dog porn in my browser? [stares at Brain] As if I had to
ask!
- Dr. Claw: With Skynet
online, Gadget is under my complete control! And I'll use him to
wipe out my true nemesis - that meddlesome twelve-year-old niece of
his!
- Penny: Brain,
that's still Uncle Gadget. We need to remember that deep down
inside- [Gadget appears in front of their car] AHHH! RAM THAT SON
OF A BITCH!
Metal
Militia [2.12]
- Hulk Hogan: [to Roddy Piper] Roddy,
we need your stealth. Go take out the guard real quiet-like, and
the rest of us will sneak pa-
- Roddy Piper: Gotcha, Hogan! [walks up to
guard] Hey, hey, hey, you (bleep)ing Nazi! How are ya?
[takes out the guard with a headbutt, a piledriver, a suplex,
and a clothesline]
- Rainbow Brite: Hahaha! Black people are so
much funnier than white people.
- Gene Okerlund: And Hitler takes a flaming
chair to the spine in what will surely go down in history as one of
Wrestlemania's greatest moments! Sergeant Schultz do you have any
comment?
- Sergeant Schultz: I'M NO
NAZI!!
- Bomb-Diffusing Robot: This is some serious
bull-(bleep)!
Veggies for Sloth
[2.13]
- Archie: What if you can't
avoid the Grim Reaper?
- Betty: Who's he, he sounds
dreamy!
- Reggie: Blondes are dumb
whores!
- [Everybody laughs]
- Betty: Come with me Archie, I'm sweet and
innocent.
- Veronica: Come with me
Archie, I'm rich and easy.
- Archie: (thinking about it) I
choose...
- [Betty crosses the street and gets hit by a bus. Veronica
looks hopeful at Archie.]
- Archie: (still thinking about it,
completely oblivious to what just happened) Still
deciding...
- [Veronica groans]
- Moose: Duh Ms. Grundy, what's a
haiku?
- Ms. Grundy: It's a kind of
poem.
- Moose: Duh, what's death?
- Ms. Grundy: Oh Moose, just make yours about
football.
- Man: [sitting on top of a chimney]
Hey baby, Merry Christmas. Yes, I know I said I'd stop calling but
it's the holidays and I just wanted to say how happy I am that you
found someone new. Is he there right now? Oh the whole family is
there opening presents. Well that's just great because I have a
present for you. [starts cutting his head off, which falls
through chimney]
- People in the House: Oh God! Santa?
- Alien #1: Oh dear, our fleets are being
destroyed!
- Alien #2: Will help ever arrive?
[Buck Rogers comes in]
- Buck Rogers: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Did someone call
for a hero?
- Alien #1: Oh, thank goodness! F(bleep)ck
Rogers is finally here!
- Buck Rogers: What.. did you just call me?
- Alien #1: F(bleep)ck!
- Alien #2: F(bleep)ck Rogers!
- Buck Rogers: [goes near Alien #1:] My name is
Buck. Buck Rogers.
- Alien #3: The Robots are through the south
defenses! F(bleep)ck Rogers, we need your help immediately!
- Buck Rogers: [annoyed groaning]
- Alien #1: It's Buck!
- Buck Rogers: My name is Buck, not F(bleep)ck!
What's with you aliens?!
- Alien #4: F(bleep)ck!
- Buck Rogers: It's Buck! Damn what the-- it's
Buck! Buck! Buck! BUCK!
- Alien #4: What are you talking about?! I've
been shot! F(bleep)ck, it hurts! [dies]
- Alien #5: Welcome, F(bleep)ck!
- Alien #1: [as Buck gets annoyed:] It's
Buck!
- Buck Rogers: THAT DOES IT!!
[gets gun out and starts shooting at the aliens]
- Aliens: [getting shot:] F(bleep)ck,
Motherf(bleep)cker!
- Buck Rogers: Fuck you!
- Alien #3: Wait! Wait! [gets
shot]
- Buck Rogers: F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you
and you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep) you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck
you! F(bleep)ck you! F(bleep)ck you!
[Wipe fade to Wilma Deering and Twikky having a
conversation]
- Wilma: You really told all the aliens that
Buck's name was Fuck? [chuckles]
- Twikky: Bidi-Bidi-Bidi, I was attempting human
comedy.
Sausage
Fest [2.14]
- [A giraffe is sinking in quicksand, struggling to get
out.]
- Giraffe: Uh-oh.
- ["Stage One: Denial"]
- Giraffe: It's no big deal. It's probably not
even quicksand. I'm gonna have a good laugh about this tonight with
the guys. [Laughs nervously.]
- ["Stage Two: Anger"]
- Giraffe: Well, this is just fucking perfect!!
Stupid quicksand! Stupid jungle! Ah! I wanna bite someone in the
face! Motherfucker!!!!! Motherfucker!!!!!! Motherfuck!!!!!!! Ahh!
Fuck!!! That stupid jungle! Uhh!! Fuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!
- ["Stage Three: Bargaining"]
- Giraffe: Are you there, God? It's me, Giraffe.
Li-listen if you could just give me a mulligan on this quicksand
thing, I promise, I promise, no more peeing on your shorter
creatures. [Laughs nervously.] We got a deal?
- ["Stage Four: Depression"]
- Giraffe: [Screams and cries.]
MOMMY!!
- ["Stage Five: Acceptance"]
- Giraffe: You know somethin'? I'm cool with
this. I-I bet, I bet heaven has all the tender leaves I can eat and
everyone gets their own Slurpee machine. Yeah! Take me sweet death!
I await your loving embrace! [The sinking stops.] What? I
think I hit the bottom. [The giraffe struggles with no
avail.] Shit...
- Garfield:: [to Heathcliff] I'm gonna
start calling you Monday, and I hate Mondays!
- Announcer:Up next on Cat Court heres the
assault case against Cheester Cheetah.
- Timer:He Hankered for a Hunka my ASS
YAH-HOO.
- Professor Xavier: Welcome recruits, although
we had to lower our standards thanks to the shortage of actual
mutants, the danger you're facing will be no less real! You'll be
defending a world that hates and fears you!
- Larvell Jones: What?! Hate and fear us,
because we're mutants?
- Professor Xavier: No, because you were in the
Police Academy movies.
- Professor Xavier: It seems some mischief-maker
has gone to great lengths to hide a prostitute underneath my
podium. Unfortunately, I'm paralyzed from the waist down, and her
enthusiastic efforts are for naught. Moving on to the - *looks
down* I didn't say 'stop'!
Drippy
Pony [2.15]
- Detective: Hey ar-are you Deepthroat?
- Rimjob: Hmm? Oh no I-I'm Rimjob, you want
Level B2.
The
Munnery [2.16]
- Kevin: Star light, Star bright, first star I
see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, have this wish, I wish
tonight. I wish (turning into a robot)....Holy Crap, I got to tell
Oscar. Oscar, Oscar, Oscar.
- Oscar: AAAAAHHH!!
- Kevin: Hey Oscar, it's me, Kevin.
- Oscar: Oh, What happened?
- Kevin: I made a wish on that star.
- Oscar: (turning into a dinosaur) Dude, we've
got to tell Jimmy.
- Jimmy: (turned into a giant turtle) Dudes,
we've got to tell Louis.
- Kevin: Louis, Hey Louis make a wish. It'll
come true.
- Louis: Ok! (turning into a giant squid)
- Jimmy: Giant squid! You idiot, we're not even
near water.
- Louis: Oh crap... Sorry guys! (is put on
Ocsar's head) Let's go tell Timmy!
- Oscar: Timmy! Hey Timmy! Make a wish and it'll
come true!
(Timmy wishes he were a girl)
- Everyone: Timmy?!?
- Timmy: Let's go tell Zach!
- Kevin: Zach! Make a wish and it'll come
true!
(Zach wishes they'd die, and they do)
- Zach: Fucking jerks. It's three in the
morning...
(scene starts in USS Enterprise Montgomery Scott
or Scotty arrives at the bridge in USS Enterprise)
- Captain James T. Kirk: Report, Mr.
Scott.
- Scotty: Captain, somebody traded all of the
dilithium crystals for pornographic holograms!
- James T. Kirk: And?
- Scotty: With no power, all life support on the
ship is about to fail.
- James T. Kirk: And?
- Scotty: Our only hope is to beam down to the
nearest planet, but there is only enough power to send five people.
I can't do no more!
- Mr. Spock:
Captain, logic dictates that each of the 433 crew members.
- Lt. Uhura: Hey! Where did Kirk go? (camera
scene changes to the same bridge scene without James Kirk) Oh, no.
He didn't.
[while deciding who gets to beam off the ship]
- Lt. Uhura: Uh, I have a vagina.
- Scotty: Sure.
- Mr. Spock: A vagina could prove quite
useful.
- Red Shirt Crewman: I'm Toby the Red Shirt. You
need a red shirt, you just do.
- Mr. Spock: Quite logical.
- Scotty: Sure.
[the whole crew on the planet looks to the Red Shirt Crewman
to eat first]
- Red Shirt Crewman: Aww, fuck all you all!
- Mr. Spock: It is your duty as a crewman.
- Red Shirt Crewman: Screw that. On behalf of
all the red shirts who fell before me, it makes me proud to speak
the following sentence. [long pause] I'm the only one who
brought a gun!
- Kirk: Ohhh....
[black screen, you hear four phaser shots; shows the Red
Shirt Crewman eating Kirk's arm]
- Red Shirt Crewman: Mmmmm, that's good
ham.
Day
at the Circus [2.17]
- Snow Job: Hey guys, going on a mission? Can I
come?
- Flint: Sorry Snow Job, this mission doesn't
require ski's.
- Gung-Ho: Wearin' a blindingly white outfit in
the middle of jungle warfare makes you a very shootable target,
man!
- Snow Job: Bunch of G.I. Jerks!
Lust
for Puppets [2.18]
- Calvin: Native
Americans would be more plentiful if they hadn't traded their land
for casinos!
- Hobbes: Well,
cowboys never even existed! They're just a masculine image campaign
purported by Marlboro!
- Calvin's Dad: I think something's wrong with
our son.
- Hobbes: Calvin, your parents don't believe
[that Hobbes is alive]. We have to kill them. [gets out a
chainsaw.]
- Calvin: (while at a psychiatrist) This is some
bullshit!
- Hobbes: Yeah!
- [A man is standing next to another man. The first man takes
out a cell phone and takes a picture of his penis. Then he sends it
to someone who he thinks is the other man. Then, the phone
rings.]
- Man: Hello? Grandma! Oh G-I'm sorry! No, I-I
must've misdialed.
- Cameron Diaz: [Hits Bill
Murray with a baseball bat.] That's for making Lucy Liu cry on
the set of Charlie's Angels, Bill Murray! [Then goes to another
house and hits Ben Stiller with the bat.] That's for giving me
cancer with your fake semen, Ben Stiller!
- Ben Stiller: I was just an actor! That stuff
gave me cancer too!
- Cameron Diaz: Well--[hits him again.]
That's for having cancer!
- [Mario & Luigi have driven their go-kart into an
auto-repair garage and come out with a customized car.]
- Mario: Mamma Mia! Luigi, we got-a
pimped-out-a ride!
- [after evading the police, Mario & Luigi drive up to a
prostitute.]
- Mario: Look, Luigi! It's the princess! [to
prostitute] Princess, you must-a come with us!
- Prostitute: I'll suck your cock for fifty
bucks!
- Mario: Princess!
- Luigi: Do you accept-a coins?
- Mushroom Seller: [giving Mario one]
This is some really good shit, man.
- [Mario eats it and gets high to heal his wounded
shoulder.]
- Mario: Ah-ha-hi! Oo-hoo! Wow! I feel-a really
good! Look at the pretty colors. Ha-hi! Hoo-hoo! Hee-hee!
- [Police sirens. The Mushroom Seller and Prostitute flee
from the scene.]
- Luigi: Oh, Jesus! It's-a the fuzz!
- Mario: [thinks he see coins on the
road] Ah-ha-ha! I-a feel so funny! Look, There's-a coins
everywhere! Ha-ha! I'm-a rich!
- Luigi: Mario, no!
- [the coins are actually pedestrians as Mario hits them with
the car.]
- Luigi: I think I should-a drive!
- [they crash and fly out of the car.]
- Officer 1: Freeze! Put your hands in the
air!
- Officer 2: Hey, he's [Luigi] got a
wrench!
- Officer 1: Take him down!
- [Officers shoot Luigi.]
- Mario: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! He's-a
marinating in his own Ragù! You killed-a my brother! You sons of-a
bitches! [grabs a machine gun and shoots everything in his
way.]
- [The army and SWAT show up.]
- Mario: You'll never take me alive, you mother
f--[everyone shoots him.]
- Yoshi: [on go-kart; looks at the two
roads and goes right; sign says "Raccoon City] Hmmm...Raccoon City sounds lovely! [in
the city; looks like a warzone; zombies appear and eat Yoshi]
Donkey
Punch [2.19]
- Recording Producer: Okay, lets take it from
the top.
- Alvin and the Chipmunks: [singing in comically
deep "terrible" voices] Christmas Christmas time is here. Time for
nuts and time for beer.
- David Seville: [Still hearing their
"terrible" voices] Aw, they're just so terrible! They've eaten
me out of house and home! They've got to go!
- [David throws a canister of deadly helium into the
recording booth, which causes the Chipmunks' voices to become
extremely high and much better.]
- Alvin and the Chipmunks: Christmas Christmas
Poop-de-poop. Don't buy me a hula hoop.
- David: They're fantastic!
- Recording Producer: This could sell thousands
of albums.
- David: [noticing that the Chipmunks have
collapsed from inhaling too much helium] Oh right... the
deadly helium...
Book
of Corrine [2.20]
- Man: She'll have the chef salad and I'll
have... I'll have the steak!
- Lobster; Yeah, yeah you better order the steak
punk, don't want none o' this bitch, take these rubberbands off an'
I'ma go clack-clack all up in your face mother-.
- Big Bird: Oh, boy! I feel like I'm
gonna blow chunks of bird seed! [vomits, then
collapses.]
- Elmo: Oh no, Big Bird
has the bird flu!
- Grover:
The Word of The Day is Quarantine! Q-U-A-R-A-N-T-I-N-E,
Quarantine!
[In a hospital]
- Big Bird; Snuffelupagus... is that you?
- Doctor: Oh, he must be hallucinating.
- Snuffy: Hi, Bird, I'm so sorry you're
sick.
- Big Bird: I'm scared, Snuffy, thank God you
can't get it, since you're not real. [Big Bird then
dies]
- Snuffy: Yeah, thank G-.
[disappears]
- Count von Count:
[Handing out vaccines to Bert and crew of Sesame Street]
One vaccine, a-hah-hah, Two vaccines, a-hah-hah!
[The show cuts to a separate bit]
- Three Kids: One of these kids is not like the
other, one of these kids is dead!
- Announcer: Today's episode brought to you by
the letters C.D.C!
[The channel changes to a screen featuring the words (And
now a message from the bees) read by another announcer.
- Bee: Hey, boys and girls, remember to BEE
yourself. [pauses] And don't fuck with us or we'll sting
you all at once and kill you!
- Sock Puppet #1: Boy, being a sock puppet
really sucks, huh?
- Sock Puppet #2: Yeah, especially when your
puppet master is a 14-year old boy who whacks off in your face
every night! [The puppet master chuckles]
[A snail is slowly chased by a "police snail" with a siren
and light on it's shell and holding a megaphone]
- Police Snail: [extremely slowly] You
are going too fast! Pull over immediately!
- Santa Claus: [pulls over in his sleigh
next to three girls] Ho, ho, ho!
- Professor: [Laughing] Ah Projaq, you're a gift
of former mad scientists everywhere; with your help I'll use my
inventions for good, right boys?
[Lightening strikes Robot Number Five]
- Robot: I live! This is awesome!
[walks downtown]
- Robot: I'm alive, I'm alive!
[Townspeople scream in terror]
- Robot: Ahaha, yeah; ooh, sparkly!
[Breaks glass of jewelry store]
- Robot: Aw, being alive holds such amazing
wonders!
- Police Men: Freeze, uh hands a-above your head
sir!
- Robot: I love you all!
[Police shoot at Robot]
- Robot: I want to play too!
[Shoots machine gun through his stomach]
- Robot: What a great game; I win!
[Dog barks at Robot]
- Robot: Look at you.
[Grabs the dog with a harsh grip on dog killing and bleeding
the dog]
- Robot: I haven't seen anything so adorable in
all my twenty minutes of life; come here you!
- Professor: Well boys I hope you...oh my
god!
[Robot sleeps on ground with dog in hand]
- Police Men: Freeze copkiller!
- Professor: What, no!
- Police Men: There'd better be a reason!
[Police start shooting]
- Professor: [Struggling to stay up in gunfire]
Aah no!
- Announcer: Vanax, get your smile back; but
without the desire to build giant robots
Season 3
Werewolf vs. Unicorn
[3.01]
[The final scene of season 2 plays, with everyone being killed
by Matthew Senreich, including Seth Green - cut to a graveyeard,
where we see all the characters tomestones, and stops at Seth's. A
zombie hand pushes from the dirt]
- Mike Lazzo: Ratings are through the roof,
bitches. You guys are getting renewed for a 3rd season.
- Matthew: Thats what the fuck I'm talking
about!
- Keith Crofford: But at what cost....
- Mike: You say something Keith?
- Keith: No, no I didn't say anything.....
[Seth, as a zombie, smashes through window and starts to eat
Keith's brains]
- Keith AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
- Mike: Horny Thornbread!
- Matthew: Holy fucking ass-crackers!
[Mike and Matthew run towards the elevator, zombies coming after
them]
- Mike: Oh! fuck!
- Matthew: (repeately pushing the elevator
button) Come on, come on, COMMMEEE ONNNNN...
- Mike: What are we going to do?!?
- Matthew: I've got an idea! [pushes Mike into
the zombies]
- Mike: Oh, you Bastard.. [eaten by
zombies]
- Matthew: [jumps in elevator] Booyah!
Squaw Bury Shortcake
[3.02]
[Isaac Newton is reading a book as an apple from a tree
falls on his head]
- Isaac Newton: Motherfucking, piece of shit
[roars as he plucks the tree and then throws it out]
[A little boy is brushing his teeth in his bathroom as a
green monster pops out of his toliet.]
- Monster: Are You Timmy?
[The little boy shakes his head no.]
- Monster: Dammit. I'll find him.
[dissapears back in the toliet.]
[Ents running past a little girl.]
- Little Girl: Run Forest Run!
Tapping a Hero [3.04]
Shoe
[3.05]
Endless Breadsticks
[3.06]
Ban on
the Fun [3.11]
- Spartan: (while watching Two and a Half
Men] THIS...ISN'T...FUNNY!!
- Spartan: (while at a party)
THIS...IS...MARTHA!!
- Spartan" (while eating dinner)
THIS...IS...SCRUMPTIOUS!!
- Scientist: (while giving a speech) also.. a is
no longer a vowel, north no longer a direction, and Oh, your
sister, no longer A VIRGIN, AhhYo!!
Losin' the Wobble
[3.12]
Slaughterhouse on the
Prairie [3.13]
- Monkey: "Sorry about AIDS. That was me."
[A massive rain storm is falling on the Smurf
Village]
- Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: "Papa Smurf
Papa Smurf it's smurfing like a mothersmurfer. What if the dam
breaks?"
- Papa Smurf " This is exactly why I'm Papa
Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?"
- Army Corps of Engineers Smurf: "Oh I'm Army
Corp of Engineer Smurf."
- Papa Smurf "That Dam was smurfed by the finest
construction crew the forest has to offer."
[Cuts to several beavers. One has it's head stuck in a
bucket, one is hiting it's head against a tree and one is humping
another beaver. Suddenly the crappy wooden dam, just a few logs
piled haphazardly across the river, breaks.]
- Grandpa Smurf: "I did't evacuate when them
chipmonks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't
evacuating for a little rain. [Flood water then crushes
him]
[Smurf village is shown flooded, with Smurf bodies floating
in the water.]
- Anderson Copper: "Destruction. Devestation. A
community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam
fail?"
[News footage shows bodies, two smurfs holding up a sign
that says "Smurf Fema" before a hawk swoops in and grabs one of
them and a smurf looting a T.V from an appliance store.]
[Cuts to Gargamel's home, who is watching Anderson Copper on
TV.]
- Gargamel: "I've spent my entire adult life
trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson (bleep)ing
Copper find it in less than a day?"
- Anderson Copper: " And where is the king
during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?"
- Brainy Smurf: "Papa Smurf says that the king
doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right
because Papa Smurf..."
[Begins to look around surprised]
- Brainy Smurf: "Papa Smurf?"
- Anderson Copper": "What is it Brainy?"
- Brainy Smurf: "Usually the other smurfs kick
me out of the village when I start talking to much, but there are
no smurfs left!"
[Brainy starts crying.]
[Gargamel is scooping up dead smurfs in a fishing
net.]
- Gargamel: "Ha Ha Ha! This is the best day of
my life! Hahahha."
[Gargamel is cutting up smurf bodies, putting them in
blenders and pulling out a bowel of smurfs from the oven.]
[Gargamel is at the dinner table]
- Gargamel" Triumph at last hahhaha."
[Takes a bite of the smurf meal and immediately has a
disgusted look on his face. He then takes the plate of smurfs over
to the garbage can throws them away.]
- Gargamel is on the phone ordering take-out
looking deppresed " Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with
fried rice please! For one." [Hangs up phone and
sighs.]
Boo Cocky
[3.16]
Chirlaxx
[3.20]
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: (to tune of "Baby Got
Back
This table's long, but it should be round
King Arthur can't hear a sound
When a knight tries to talk
That brother's gotta walk
'bout half a freakin' block to be heard
Can't hear a word
'cause this table is so absurd
Us knights got much to discuss
But this table's ridiculous
- Balki: Don't be ridiculous
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: Belvedere can't hear
"Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
- Sir Belvedere: Say what?!
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: It's twenty feet by
eighty
Can't even flirt with ladies
Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal
If you're trying to cop a feel
We need a new proportion
To bring our kingdom fortune
I got an idea that might work for ya
I'm-a make this mother circular
Sir Galahad!
- Sir Galahad: Yeah!
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: Percival!
- Sir Percival: Yeah!
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: You wanna hear the others
talk?
- Knights: Hell yeah!
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down
It's like King Arthur's crown
Table be round! Table be round.
Now with this circulation
We can have nice conversation
- Verizon guy: Can you hear me now?
- Sir Percival: I can hear!
- Sir Galahad: Holy cow!
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: Make every knight say...
- Everybody: WOW!
- King Arthur: Now you know that we cannot fail
when we're looking for the Holy Grail
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: 360 on the parameter
You know hos like diameter
- Knight: Bumping this with the
circumference
- All: Table be round!
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: [bleep] I'm never
gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice?
Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing
mother[bleep]. [bleep].
Robot
Chicken: Star Wars
- Intro Text: Not long ago in a galaxy not far
enough away...
- Stormtrooper:
[Luke Skywalker slices off a trap door on the bottom of an AT-AT
Walker and tosses a grenade inside of it; the Stormtrooper is
sitting on a toilet with a Playboy magazine] What in
the [bleep] is... [the grenade sets off, sending the
AT-AT to the ground in a static explosion]
- Emperor Palpatine:
[snickering, while talking with two guests] So, I threw
the senate at him - the whole senate! True story!
- Guest 1: Oh, my God! That is so funny!
- Guest 2: [chuckling, while drinking milk
from a carton] You made it come out of my nose!
- Emperor Palpatine: [laughs; phone beeps;
presses a button] Go for Papa Palpatine.
- Operator: You have a collect call from:
- Darth Vader:
[breathing] ...Darth Vader.
- Emperor Palpatine: Eh... I gotta take this,
hold on. [picks up phone] Vader! How's my favorite Sith?
[pause] Whoa, whoa, whoa... whoa. Whoa. Just slow down.
Huh? What do you mean they, "blew up the Death Star"? [pause; bleep] Oh,
[bleep; bleep; bleep]! Oh, who's "they"?! [pause]
What the hell is an "Aluminum Falcon"?!
[sighs] Ok. Ok. S-so, who's left? [pause] Are you
[bleep]ing me?! Well, where are you?! Wait a sec, you've
been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal? Uggh, you
must smell like... feet, wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon!
[pause] Oh, oh, oh, I'm, I'm sorry, I thought my dark lord
of the Sith could protect a small, thermal exhaust port that's only
two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet! Do you
have, do you have any idea what this is going to do to my credit?
[phone beeps] Uggh, hang on, I got another call. [to
other caller] What?! I'm very busy right now! [pause;
calm] Oh... oh, well... well, where are they going?
[pause] Oh, all right. Umm... just get me a.. turkey club.
[pause] Uh... coleslaw, I guess. I'm, I'm not even going
to eat it. Wha-what, what're you getting? Yeah, see, I, uh, always
order the wrong thing. Naw, no, no, I'll just stick with that. Ok,
bye -- wh-what? [pause] Oh, uh, cherry Coke. Thanks. [switches back to Darth
Vader] Sorry about that. [sighs; pause] What? Oh, oh,
"just rebuild it"?! Oh, tha--, real, real [bleep]ing
original! And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?! You,
you got an ATM on that
torso Lite-Brite?! Now, get your seven-foot two
asthmatic ass back here or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny
bitch you were about "Pada-mam-ay" or "Panda
Bear" or whatever the hell her name is! [pause; covers phone
with hand; whispering to guests] Oh, geez, he's crying!
[snickers; back to Darth Vader] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...
c'mon... c'mon, don't do that. Just... just... ah, look, I'm just
dealing with a lot of crap right now - the Death Star blown up by a
bunch of [bleep]ing teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to
snap. [pause; does a "wanker" hand motion] Oh, oh, just,
just get back here. Okay... okay. Bye, ah... I... [pause;
whispers into phone] I love you, too. [hangs up]
- [inside the Mos Eisley
Cantina]
- Bartender: What'll it be, pal?
- Jawa: [high-pitched
voice] Martini!
- Janitor: [on Naboo; whistling; Darth Maul's upper and lower torso fall in
front of him as he's sweeping] Oh, gee-- oh, my God!
[sweeps it away] ...I gotta get that transfer to Coruscant.
- Boy: [at breakfast table with his
sister] Ugh, I guess we have to eat this boring oatmeal.
- Admiral Ackbar: [bursts
into the room and smacks the oatmeal bowls off the table] It's
a trap!
- Boy & Girl: Wow! Admiral Ackbar!
[Admiral Ackbar takes out a box of Admiral Ackbar Cereal]
Wow! Admiral Ackbar Cereal! [Admiral Ackbar pours the cereal
into new cereal bowls]
- Boy: Colorful marshmallows!
- Girl: Imitation crab meat!
- Admiral Ackbar: Your tongues can't repel
flavor of that magnitude!
- Girl: There's a prize in every box! [pours
more cereal into the bowl as a blue flop falls out; children then
look into the hall as Admiral Ackbar does a moonwalk]
- Narrator: Admiral Ackbar Cereal! Now, with
brine shrimp!
- Ponda Baba: [in Ponda Baba's
bedroom; wakes up and speaks in his native tongue -- Ponda Baba
grumbles in a deep, intimidating and incoherent voice]
[subtitles] Today's gonna be great! I can already tell!
[takes a shower; eats Admiral Ackbar Cereal while reading the
back of the cereal box; brushes teeth; walks outside with a brown
briefcase] [subtitles] Today's the day I get that
promotion!
- [at work]
- Dr. Evazan: Wazuuuup, Ponda!
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Wazuuuup,
Evazan!
- Dr. Evazan: Let's bust out early and hit that
new cantina across the street!
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] I really
shouldn't-
- Dr. Evazan: C'mooon! One drink ain't gonna
kill ya!
- [at the Mos Eisley Cantina]
- Dr. Evazan: --like I'm really gonna eat of
bananas after that?!
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Ha, ha, ha!
You are so funny, man!
- [ Luke Skywalker takes a seat besides
Ponda Baba and accidentally bumps into his shoulder; Ponda gets his
attention by pushing him on the shoulder. He then speaks to him but
Luke is completely oblivious to what Ponda is saying]
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] I love your
hair! Where do you get it done?
- [Luke turns away; Evazan gets his attention by tapping him
on the shoulder]
- Dr. Evazan: He doesn't like you.
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] That's not
what I said!
- Luke Skywalker: Sorry. [turns away again;
Evazan pushes Luke's shoulder]
- Dr. Evazan: I don't like you, either. You
better watch yourself. We're wanted men.
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] What?
- Dr. Evazan: I have the death sentence on
twelve systems.
- Luke Skywalker: I'll be careful.
- Dr. Evazan: You'll be dead!
- Ponda Baba: [shoves Evazan away; shakes
Luke by the shoulders] Hey! I'm really sorry about my friend,
man. He's had way too much to drink-
- [ Ben Kenobi severs Ponda Baba's arm with a
lightsaber]
- Ponda Baba: AAAGGGHHHHHH!!
- [at work again]
- Manager: Gee, Ponda. I just
don't see how you can keep designing with no drawing arm.
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] But I'm
ambidextrous. See? [lifts up a picture of an incredible poorly
drawn house and flower]
- Manager: I'm sorry, but we have to let you go.
[walks away]
- Ponda Baba: [subtitles] Dang it!
- [ C-3PO walks through a metal detector and a buzzer goes off
while R2-D2 slides through on a conveyor belt beside
the metal detector]
- C-3PO: Oh... oh, dear! My keys! [takes out
keys and puts them into a tray despite the fact he is what's
setting of the metal detector] Hah-hah!
- Qui-Gon Jinn: [slicing
through a steel door with a lightsaber; to Obi-Wan Kenobi] It's almost open,
hold onto this. [puts his arm out with his lightsaber and lets
go, thinking Obi-Wan has it -- Obi-Wan drops his own lightsaber
while trying to catch Qui-Gon's but fails as both lightsabers saw
straight through several floors below]
- Random Workers Below: Whoa, coming through! --
The wall's on fire! -- Get a first-aid kit! -- [elephant
trumpets] -- Whoa, what was that?! -- That looked like a
lightsaber! -- This is my first day! -- [car alarm sets
off]
- [an officer walks in on Darth Vader getting his
helmet placed onto his head by a machine -- the machine
accidentally clings to Vader's head and lifts him up as he wiggles
a little]
- Darth Vader: What the?! ...Little help?
- Imperial Officer: Welcome
to Orientation Day here on the jolly, old Death Star! Now, there are a few things we
want to go over with you concerning Lord Vader. First and foremost, he thinks
he has the power to strangle us! Truth is,
he doesn't. If he ever realized this, he would kill us with his lightsaber. Thus, to keep us safe, we'll
all pretend to get strangled. Ok! Let's try a practice.
- [Commander Winston walks over]
- Imperial Officer: Commander Winston here will
assist me. I'm going to hold out my hand like Lord Vader, and he
will pretend to be strangled. [holds out his hand as Winston
gasps, holding his throat, pretending to be strangled] Gasping
for air; grabs throat; yes, eyes back, and he's down! [Winston
collapses] Good show, commander! Now, two of the floor chiefs
will retrieve the corpse. [two floor chiefs retrieve Winston
and drag him out of the room] Redress him, add a mustache...
[Winston comes back in again] and he's back to work as
Lieutenant Leopold! Vader has the satisfaction of killing someone,
and we stay amongst the living! Why, Private Perkins over there has
been strangled over 30 times! Haven't you Perkins? [laughs;
Private Perkins is shown wearing funky-looking glasses and an old
man's beard] Good man!
- [the Death Star implodes as Luke Skywalker flies away in an
aircraft]
- Luke Skywalker: Yeeah! This is awesome! R2, patch
me through! I wanna call Uncle Owen and Aunt... [remembers that they're
dead] ooh.
- Nerd: [gets into an elevator with George Lucas; gasps] You're George
Lucas!
- George Lucas: Uhh, I take it you're here for
the Star Wars convention?
- Nerd: I sure am! Ooo, wanna see my costume?
[begins to dress into it]
- George Lucas: Uhhh... hm.
- Nerd: See? I'm a Tauntaun! But I don't have to
tell you -- you invented Tauntauns!
- George Lucas: Well, that's uh.. that's very
interesting--
- Nerd: Listen to my Tauntaun call!
Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-ooh-rah-ahh!
- George Lucas: [elevator stops] Uhh...
nicely done. [runs out of the elevator; sees a group of Star
Wars fans in front of him] Oh, dear God...
- Star Wars Fan #1: [screaming] Oh, my
God, George LUCAAAAAS!
- George Lucas: Oh, dear God, oh, dear God...
[runs away]
- Star Wars Fan #2: I love you! Give me a
baby!
- Nerd: [halts George Lucas] Quickly,
sir! Onto my back! I am your steed!
- George: Uhh... [pause; gets on] I
have a bad feeling about this...
- Nerd: [begins hopping away]
Oorah-rah-rah-ooh-rah-rah!
- George: Oh, dear God! [they enter the
convention room on the stage; Lucas gets off and stands at the
podium and gets small feedback from the microphone] Uh, well,
um... and I thought they smelt bad on the outside. [laughter,
cheers, and applause from the audience]
- Nerd: Just like in the movie! [George
Lucas offers his hand to the nerd] Me?! [takes his hand
and bows, hyperventilating] Thank you! Thank you!
- [scene switches to the nerd in his old age with his
grandson on his lap]
- Old Nerd: ...And that was the greatest day of
my whole life.
- Grandson: What about when I was born?
- Old Nerd: Not even close.
- Luke Skywalker: [with a
helmet on next to Ben Kenobi] But with the flash shield
down, I can't even see! Aw, how am I supposed to fight? [Ben
waves his hand in front of the helmet, seeing that Luke really
can't see anything; he then knees him in the crotch] Oooh!
[falls and then gets back up, swinging his lightsaber around;
Kenobi knees him again] Oooh!
- Space Slug #1: [emerges from
a burrowed tunnel and attempts to devour the Millennium Falcon but misses; in an
Australian accent] Aww! Damn it!
- Space Slug #2: [emerges from a tunnel
right beside the other space slug; also, in an Australian
accent] Wuh, what is it?
- Space Slug #1: I never get a spaceship! Never!
I never get anything!
- Space Slug #2: Should we order some Chinese food?
- Space Slug #1: [whisper] I dunno... I
guess.
- Space Slug #2: We'll get some Chinese.
[submerges into the hole and reappears with a headset on,
dialing a number] Uh, hello, yeah, can we get, um... [to
first space slug] what do you think? Five million tons of
kung-pow chicken?
- Space Slug #1: That's good.
- Space Slug #2: [back to phone] Yeah,
three million pot stickers, and, uh, one order of scallion pancakes
and uh--
- Space Slug #1: Get some fried rice.
- Space Slug #2: Oh, yeah, five million tons of
fried rice. Um, cash or charge? It's um... hold on. [to first
space slug] We're just gonna gobble him up when he gets here,
right?
- Space Slug #1: Yeah, 'course.
- Space Slug #2: Ok, it's cash, then.
- Janitor: [on Coruscant; Mace Windu screams
off-screen, then falls in front of the janitor as he's sweeping;
sighs] I gotta get that transfer to the Death Star.
{Note: This is also part of the Massage Chair episode}
- [at the doctor's office]
- Doctor: Mr. President, your vitals all
check out fine. There is just one thing - your midi-chlorian count is extraordinarily
high.
- George W. Bush: Does that
mean that I'm one of them... what ah, whatcha call 'em... Jedis?
[thinks; pulls down the doctor's pants with the Force; snickers]
- [in bed, next to Laura Bush; George runs his
hand up and down the side of Laura]
- Laura Bush: Oooh, not tonight. I'm tired,
honey.
- George W. Bush: You're not tired; you want to
have a threesome!
- Laura Bush: [under mind control] I'm
not tired; I want to have a threesome.
- George W. Bush: [smiles and picks up
phone] Get me Condi!
[snickers]
- [at a McDonalds; Bill Clinton pulls up in front of
George's black SUV in the drive-thru in his red Corvette]
- Bill Clinton: Oh, sorry, Dubyuh! Big
Mac attack! Yeeeee-whoooo!
- [George uses the Force to lift Bill Clinton's car into the
air, then drops it into a pond near McDonalds]
- Bill Clinton: Hey, hey! Whoa! What the
dilly?!
- George W. Bush: [parks in Bill Clinton's
parking space; snickers]
- [at the Lincoln Memorial; George W. Bush
carves "W wuz hear" into the Lincoln Memorial with a lightsaber]
- George W. Bush: [snickers] Saber beats rock.
[gasps] What the hell?!
- [the Lincoln Memorial raises up revealing a figure sitting
underneath it, clouded by fog and a glowing white light; a machine
lowers a top hat onto the figure's head; the figure turns around as
a choir vocalizes, then reveals itself to be none other than Abraham Lincoln, who is a Sith]
- Abraham Lincoln: Who dares
disturb my slumber?
- George W. Bush: Who dares question my...
daring... of.. his.. dare? ...Jerk!
- Abraham Lincoln: It is I who freed the slaves!
I who indited--
- George W. Bush: Boooriiing. Let's fight!
- [Abraham Lincoln takes out a red lightsaber and begins to
battle George W. until he finds himself cornered in the National Mall]
- Abraham Lincoln: If you strike me down, I
shall become -- wait a minute, let me finish! Arrgghh!
- George W. Bush: [attacks Abraham Lincoln
with his lightsaber as Lincoln completely vanishes on contact with
the saber, excluding his clothes] That'll teach you, George Washington!
- [at the Death Star]
- George W. Bush: Jenna, get over here right
now! I am your father!
- Jenna Bush: That's not true!
That's impossible! My real father would let me go clubbing as late
as I want! [gives George the finger]
- George W. Bush: You little! [severs
Jenna's middle finger off with a lightsaber]
- Jenna Bush: Owwww! [falls off
ledge]
- George W. Bush: Oh, no! Baby, I-I'm
sorry!
- Jenna Bush: [slowly fades out as she
falls] Ahhhhhh! You suck!
- George W. Bush: Nnnoooooooooo--
- [George wakes up in the White House Oval office]
- George W. Bush: [snores] What?! Who?
Was it just a dream...?
- Executive: Mr. President, we still haven't
found any weapons of mass
destruction.
- George W. Bush: [waves two fingers,
thinking he still has the power of Jedi mind control] You
have found weapons of mass destruction.
- Executive: Uhhh... hi. We haven't.
- George W. Bush: [still waving
fingers] You have.
- Executive: [sighs] I don't know what
you're doing.
- George W. Bush: [waves fingers
faster] Bring me a taco.
- Executive: Yes, sir. [runs to get a
taco]
- George W. Bush: [snickers] Tacos
rule.
- Weather Reporter: Cloud City will be cloudy this evening,
followed by clouds.
- [ Han Solo hacks open a dead Tauntaun's stomach with a lightsaber; a homeless man emerges from
the wound with a beer bottle in hand]
- Bum: Get your own Tauntaun!
- [at the Death Star]
- Luke Skywalker: Your
overconfidence is your weakness.
- Emperor Palpatine: Your
faith in your friends is yours!
- Luke Skywalker: [chuckle; whisper]
Faith in yo' mama.
- Emperor Palpatine: What was that?!
- Luke Skywalker: I said, yo' mama so fat, Jabba the Hutt said, "DAAAAMN!"
- Emperor Palpatine: Well, your mother's so
ugly, she put the "Ug" in Ugnaught!
- Darth Vader: Aww, yo' mama
fight!
- [Darth Vader stands by a chalkboard to keep score while
making a piece of chalk levitate with the Force; Luke and Emperor
Palpatine stand on opposite sides from each other]
- Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she spent
all day saying, "am not!" to R2! [Vader gives Luke a
point]
- Crowd: Oooohh!
- Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so fat that
Ben Kenobi said, "that's no moon,
[gets up in Luke's face] that's yo' mama!" [gets a
point from Vader]
- Crowd: Ohhh!
- Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so dumb, she thought
Jar-Jar, comes with "Pickles-Pickles"!
[Vader gives Luke another point]
- Crowd: Oooh!
- Emperor Palpatine: Your mother is so stupid,
she.. she thinks a lightsaber has fewer calories! [silence; Palpatine acts as if
he'll get a big, positive reaction but doesn't; Darth Vader shakes
his head in disgrace]
- Guy in Crowd: Huh? I don't get it.
- Emperor Palpatine: It's "lite"... like, it's
"lite," like calories... like, "lite" means there's not a lot of
calories and it's good.... for your body, that's how stupid your
mother is. [does not earn a point]
- Luke Skywalker: Yo' mama so stupid, she went
to Bangkok to get a TIE Fighter! [receives another
point]
- [the crowd cheers]
- Luke Skywalker: And Luke wins!
- [Darth Vader lifts Emperor Palpatine over his head and
walks him over to a ledge]
- Emperor Palpatine: What are you doing? Wh-what
are you doing?! P-put me down! N-no! [Vader tosses Palpatine
over the ledge] AAAHHHHHH!
- [at the Death Star]
- Emperor Palpatine:
--AARRGGHH!! [lands in front of the janitor while he's
sweeping]
- Janitor: Oh, come on! [pause; sweeps away
Palpatine's corpse] What are they doing up there all the
time?
- [in the prisoner control room; Luke Skywalker, Han
Solo (both dressed as Stormtroopers), and Chewbacca gun down multiple
Stormtroopers]
- Stormtrooper Officer: [on a communication
panel] What's happened up there?
- Han Solo: [takes off helmet and sits next
to the communication panel] Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh, everything's
perfectly all right now! We're.. fine. We're all fine here, now,
thank you. How are you?
- Stormtrooper Officer: We're sending a squad
up.
- Han Solo: Uh, uh, negative! We have a reactor
leak here, now. Give us a minute to lock it down! Large leak; very
dangerous.
- Stormtrooper Officer: There's no reactor on
that floor.
- Han Solo: Yes, well... [picks up a yellow book and cycles through it] I
talked to... Dave.. Johnson? In Stormtrooper Engineering, and he
said there is a reactor here!
- Stormtrooper Officer: Dave Johnson? Hang on
one sec... ok, I have Dave Johnson on the line, Dave! Did you tell
someone there's a reactor in the prisoner control room?
- Dave Johnson: Uhh, no. No, no, there's no
reactor there.
- Han Solo: Well, I don't know what to tell ya,
but I'm staring straight at a reactor! Maybe Vader had it installed yesterday.
- Stormtrooper Officer: Hang on a second.
- Darth Vader: [breathing; Han Solo reacts
frightened from hearing his voice; Chewbacca does a barrel-roll and
comes into view, aiming his crossbow around at random things; Han
Solo then says, "shhh!" and cues that there are people talking on
the communication panel; Chewbacca makes a small roar and makes a
"shh" gesture his hand as they both listen carefully] What do
you want?
- Stormtrooper Officer: Lord Vader, did you
install a reactor in the prisoner control room?
- Darth Vader: Umm... not that I know of. Hang
on one second. Sheila, can you get me the plans to the Death Star?
Okie-dokie. Uhh... the plans here, let me have a look... buh, buh,
buh, buh... reactor, reactor, reactor... [Han Solo looks at
Chewbacca; Chewbacca shrugs, looks around briefly, and then points
to the elevator as if there are Stormtroopers coming; Han Solo
looks over and Chewbacca sneaks away; Han Solo looks back to where
Chewbacca was and shrugs, leaning onto the communication panel in
boredom] boo, boo, boo... no reactor that I can see, but might
as well put one in; there's always room for another reactor.
- Stormtrooper Officer: We'll send a team up to
build a new reactor.
- Han Solo: Uh, no, no! Nooot necessary! We've
got it under control! [takes out his blaster and shoots the
communication panel] Boring conversation, anyway. Ok, let's
build this reactor!
- Darth Vader: Inform the Emperor that the Jedi Temple has been sealed.
- Private Perkins: Yes, my Lord. [walks
away]
- Jar-Jar Binks: Ani?! Ani! Little Ani!
- Darth Vader: Jar-Jar, I am no longer Anakin
Skywalker...
- Jar-Jar Binks: [touches Vader's cape]
These are some nice-ah duds, ah-poopah!
- Darth Vader: Look, Jar-Jar, it is very
important... [Jar-Jar taps on Vader's helmet; groans, then
scares Jar-Jar back a step] that you never speak to me
again.
- Jar-Jar Binks: What'sa happen to you? Yousa
burn your face... [takes off Vader's helmet and looks at him
for a brief moment before Vader quickly puts his helmet back
on] AAAHHH! Ani-bo-bani!! [shakes Vader by the
shoulders] What'sa happen to you?!
- Darth Vader: [grabs Jar-Jar by the ears
and pulls him towards a door as Jar-Jar screams] Jar-Jar.
Homey. My main man. Quickly, before the Separatists
attack, get into the escape pod! [tosses Jar-Jar into an airlock chamber]
- Jar-Jar Binks: Hey, if this is escape, then
where the pod? [Vader shuts and locks the door] Yousa
forgot the pod!! [Vader presses a button which ejects Jar-Jar
out into space] WHOOO!
- [a completely motionless toy of Jar-Jar Binks floats out
into space with no sounds whatsoever]
- [afterwards]
- Darth Vader: [in bed; sighs, then chuckles
maniacally]
- [Jar-Jar Binks appears before Vader's bed as a Force ghost]
- Jar-Jar Binks: Ani! Look! Yousa not gonna
believe it! Meesa all sparkly glowy! [Vader covers his own head
with a pillow while Jar-Jar bounces around Vader's bed
ecstatically] Now, weesa gonna have all the time to spend
together! I love you, Ani! Yaaaahh! Ah-haahhh! Ani, yeeeeah!
- Guy on Intercom: [a stripper leaves the stage and three others
come out, grinding onto a stripper pole; Luke Skywalker grins and leaves money
on the stage] And Toshi Station is proud to
present the Powerrr Converterrrrs! Oh, yeah!
- Boba Fett: [talking to a carbonite-frozen Han
Solo] Heeey! Mr. Solo! Heh-heh, solo on the rocks! You
can't beat me, I'm Boba Fett, I'm the greatest bounty hunter ever!
[quickly draws a blaster at Solo] Ah-dow-dow-dow-dow-dow!
Haha, yeah! What's that, Solo? Oh, blasters aren't fair? Okay, dig
it! [sheaths blaster] No blasters. Oh, ho, ah!
[quickly whips out blaster and points it at Solo's face]
Didn't see that one comin', did ya? Huh? So slow! Ah, you thought I
was over there, but guess what, WHAA! Huh, huh, huh!
[somersaults to another place off-screen; pops up and sticks
blaster in Solo's face] O-hohoho-ver here! Ah-yaw-aww!
[throws blaster on the floor] A little rope-a-dope, little
rope-a-dope, ha? [punches the air] Haa, left, right, left,
right! Ohhh-hohohohooo! Down goes Solo... [bends over and
breathes heavily] ...Huh? [breathes] What's that?
What, you wanna face-to-face? Well, lemme just take this bad boy
off. [grunts; takes helmet off] Ohh, he's even better
lookin' without the helmet! Surprise ending. Huh, wha-, you want me
to come closer? [whisper] Oh, you don't wanna fight
anymore? [touches Solo's hands] Oh, your hands are up
there almost like you're beggin'... beggin' for a little piece of
Boba... [begins stroking Solo's hand] Yeah, ya like that,
don't ya? [strokes Solo's lips] You like it, 'cause you're
bad... oh, yeah... you dirty, little smuggler...
- Chewbacca: [goes to comb hair
in the mirror, but then realizes it looks good just the way it is;
happily] Grraawww!
- Darth Vader: Turn to the Dark side and join
me.
- Luke Skywalker: I'll never
join you! You killed my father!
- Darth Vader: No, Luke. I am your
father!
- Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's
impossible!
- Darth Vader: And Princess Leia is your sister!
- Luke Skywalker: That's not true! That's...
improbable!
- Darth Vader: And the Empire will be
defeated by Ewoks!
- Luke Skywalker: That's... [scoffs]
very unlikely...
- Darth Vader: And as a child, I built C-3PO!
- Luke Skywalker: Mhm.
- [later]
- Darth Vader: [with a cup of coffee]
And the Force? Well, that's just microscopic bacteria in your bloodstream called midi-chlorian.
- Luke Skywalker: [flicks away
cigarette] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm
out. [walks away]
- Emperor Palpatine: [to
Luke Skywalker along with Darth Vader] As you can see, my
young apprentice, your friends have-- [Palpatine is interrupted
by a hammering noise; pauses] --your friends have failed!
Now-- [hammering and whirring noises interrupt Palpatine again;
pauses] --now, witness the firepower of this fully-- [loud
whirring and hammering; Palpatine's voice is highly drowned
out] --fully armed and operational station-- oh, come on!
[Palpatine walks over to a bunch of construction workers continuing
to build the Death Star II, and tries to get their
attention, his voice being highly drowned out from drill whirring
and hammering] Hey, fellas! Excuse me! Excuse me!
[Palpatine taps one worker on the shoulder, who completely
haults all the other workers into silence] Eh-hey, the Force is strong with this
one, eh? Whaddaya, whaddaya got there, a latte? You have the hazelnut macchiato? Change your life! [all
the construction workers cross their arms] ...Aaanywho! Tony,
right?
- Ray: Ray.
- Emperor Palpatine: Ray! Sorry, sorry. I get...
I get mixed up. Who's, who's, who's Tony? [silence]
Anyway, I, I hate to interrupt, I know you're very busy --
is there anyway you could finish this area... you know, later? I'm,
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
- Ray: Ugh. Look, Mr. Saltine, I don't tell you
how to... threaten your blond kids so, why don't you go back over there
to your sit-and-spin and let me do my job?
- Emperor Palpatine: Okay, okay, copy that. Good
talk. [clicks tongue and walks back over to Luke and Darth
Vader] They'll, eh, they'll, they'll just be a little longer.
I, I... I told 'em to stop but, you know, ehh... "no-speak-oh
mininum-wage-oh". Heh-heh-heh! So, so, so, where was I? Oh, right,
right. [angry] Now, witness the firepower--
[construction noises completely mute out the Emperor; Luke and
Vader look at each other; Vader shrugs]
- [on the planet Cloud City, Lobot dances around its
empty corridors to Meco's disco remix of the Star Wars theme, almost
as if it were an ice rink]
- Hyper Narrator: Jabba the Hutt's hottest singer was
blown to smithereens, but his rock 'n roll will
never die! Presenting "Max Rebo's Greatest
Hits", including: "Why Do I Look Like an Elephant?"
- Max Rebo: [mumbles rhythmatically, but
incoherently]
- [other songs scroll by the screen including, "It's Not Easy
Being Blue", "Why Do I Look Like an Elephant?", and "I'm Not Afraid
of Mice, Baby"]
- Hyper Narrator: "Ohh, I Have an Average
Memory"!
- Max Rebo: [mumbles rhythmatically
again]
- [more songs scroll by including, "I Have Fingers, Elephants
Don't", "Ooh, I Have an Average Memory", "You Know What They Say
About Big Ears", "Definitely Not an Elephant", and "Junk in My
Trunk"]
- Hyper Narrator: And his Grammy Award-winning single,
"I Already Told You I'm Not an Elephant"!
- Max Rebo: [mumbles]
- [more songs scroll by including, "There is No Elephant in
the Room, Because I'm Not an Elephant, Mama", and "I Sleep Lying
Down, Girl"]
- Hyper Narrator: And his famous duet with
*NSYNC's Joey Fatone!
- Joey Fatone: [Max Rebo mumbles in the
background with Joey; singing] Neither of us is an
elephant!
- Hyper Narrator: [explosion] "Max
Rebo's Greatest Hits", the guy who looks like a blue elephant!
Order now!
- [a band plays intro music to "Mid-Nite with
Zuckuss"]
- Zuckuss: [chops at the
air] Hyah, hyah, hyah! Ho-ho-kay everybody! Welcome back to
the show! We have a surprise guest tonight, I wasn't really
expecting this, Emperor Palpatine is
here! [an impersonated Emperor Palpatine appears in Synchro-Vox]
- Emperor Palpatine: Silence! Fear me!
[crowd laughs]
- Zuckuss: So, tell me, your highness. How do
you plan on putting down this "Rebellion" everyone's
talking about?
- Emperor Palpatine: By shooting it with lightning! [crowd
laughs] That's how I solve all my problems! And then
afterwards, I shall eat pudding. [crowd laughs again]
- Zuckuss: [chuckles] Okay, right! But
seriously, the Rebels have already caused major disruptions--
- Emperor Palpatine: I'll show you a major
disruption! [mumbling laughter] A major disruption in my
adult undergarments! [crowd laughs]
- Zuckuss: Ahhh, chh, okay!
- Emperor Palpatine: Now, can we get out of
here? Seriously, Francis, it's time for my soap operas.
- Zuckuss: It's Zuckuss.
- Emperor Palpatine: [retracts off the
screen] Peace out, fly-face! Fear meee!
- Zuckuss: Okay, ah, that was fun! Haha, it's
time to bring out our next guest, the Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader! [a miniature Darth Vader
comes hopping out to comical music, swiping his lightsaber around;
Zuckuss holds his head to stop him from coming closer]
Whoahohoho, easy! You could hurt someone with that! [crowd
laughs; Zuckuss takes the lightsaber and tosses it aside]
Whoa, easy boy, easy boy! Ah-haha, well, that's our show tonight!
Stay tuned for late night talk with Sinbad! [the Death Star floats into view out the studio
window behind Zuckuss and briefly charges up a green beam, then
shoots Zuckuss at the back of the head; the screen goes
stand-by]
- Technical Message: TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
PLEASE STAND BY
- Princess Leia: [in bed with
Luke Skywalker] That was so
wrong...
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Empire on Ice!
- Luke Skywalker: [while on
a Tauntaun] The Empire is chasing us,
they simply will not cease!
- Han Solo: Aw, man! My nuts are
freezing, kid, I'm up out this bitch!
- Luke & Solo: Peace! [scene changes to
Luke on a Tauntaun with a Wampa]
- Wampa: I'm the Wampa! I'm the snowman! And I
don't take any lip from no man!
- Luke Skywalker: But-- [the Wampa slashes
Luke's face and drags him away] AAHH! [janitors skate by
and clean up Luke's blood as Han Solo and Princess Leia skate out]
- Han Solo: [singing in the tune of Princess Leia's theme] I
know you want me bad, Princess! I know you're such a flirter!
- Princess Leia: Shut up, you scruffy nerf-herder! [slaps
Han and skates away as Solo holds his cheek]
- C-3PO: [begins to skate around Han
with R2; sings in the tune of the Cantina Band] Luke, he
hasn't checked in yet, it might be that he is done! His chances of
surviving here are ten billion and five to one!
- R2-D2: [spins and beeps]
[scene changes]
- Chewbacca: [skates into view
with Han Solo and roars]
- Probe: You are so dumb! The Empire's been
alerted and here they come! [Han Solo shoots the probe; scene
changes to all the previous cast of "Empire on Ice" skating into
view, along with robed Stormtroopers
and AT-AT
Walkers; in the tune of "The Imperial March"]
- All: Empire on ice! Empire on ice! Here we
are, the Empire on ice! All those Rebels will pay a big price! Vader's - not nice, and the Tauntaun - get's sliced, and Chewbacca - has
lice,
the Empire on ice! Empire on ice! [the Wampa begins to spin
around for a long time on the toe of his skates] Empire on
iiiiice! [the Wampa stops and rests on one knee, raising his
arms while breathing heavily]
- Darth Vader:
[breathing]
- Jar-Jar Binks: [next to
Vader, who's sitting up in his bed] Eehhh-yaa-hah-hahhh!
[hops and jumps around] Ani, yeeeah! Yeeeeaaah!
Robot Chicken: Star Wars
Episode II
- [a guy dressed up in a Stormtrooper outfit takes out a
lunch box and thermos bottle]
- Wife: Gary, where is Jessica? Isn't today
"Take Your Daughter to Work Day"?
- Gary: [sighs] No one actually does
that.
- Wife: Gary, you promised. [walks away; the
camera slowly zooms in on the motionless Gary]
- [at a Rebel
Alliance ship; a group of Stormtroopers blast down a door and
begin a blaster-fight with some guards]
- Gary: Keep your head down, Jessica!
- Jessica: Okay, daddy! [Gary takes his
daughter's hand and runs to cover; Jessica squeals and accidentally
drops her teddy bear into the line of fire] Mr.
Fuzzybottom!
- Gary: [stops Jessica from running into the
line of fire, then puts his head down in frustration and sighs
calmly; carefully walks into the line of fire to get Mr.
Fuzzybottom back, dodging an array of red-toned lasers getting
fired in his direction; groans] AHHH! [makes his way back
to Jessica on his hands and knees, panting heavily] Here you
go, baby.
- Darth Vader: Who is this little
girl?
- Gary: Oh! Vader! Uh... it's "Take Your
Daughter to Work Day", and I know, uh... you know, I'm sorry for
bringing her, but my wife says I never see her, and... and let's be
honest, she's right! Okay? She's right! [silence] ...Do
you have kids? 'Cause, I mean, heh, they change your world. ...Oh,
I'm probably gonna get fired for this... but [stands
proud] [bleep] it. [takes his daughter's hand and
says sternly] I love my daughter.
- Darth Vader: [silence; leans in and thumps
his chest with his fist] That really hits me where I live.
[grabs a rebel guard by the neck and lifts him up] What
have you done with those plans?! Gary here, never sees his daughter
because of people like you! [brief pause; bone snaps;
realizes what he's done and covers his mouth innocently] I'm
so sorry you had to see that. [drops the body; leans in]
Are you having fun, being at work with your father?
- Jessica: Mmm... [hides head behind
Gary]
- Darth Vader: [chuckles; wiggles around a
little] I know, I'm scary.
- [scene change to Tatooine]
- Ben Kenobi: [controlling Gary
with Jedi mind control] These aren't
the droids you're looking for.
- Gary: These aren't the droids we're looking
for.
- Jessica: Yes, they are!
- Ben Kenobi: Move along.
- Gary: Move along. [Ben Kenobi rides
away]
- Jessica: Daddy, you're not even trying!
- Gary: Baby, it's 165º degrees on this planet!
I can't hear in this thing! [referring to his helmet] I
was just repeating what I thought the guy was sayin'! It's not like
it's my own mother[bleep]ing thought on the matter, okay?!
[Jessica runs away, sobbing] Hon! Aww-- baby! [runs
after]
- Stormtrooper: See? That's why I don't bring my
daughter to jack [bleep]!
- Darth Vader: [kneeling on the
floor] What is thy bidding my master?
- Emperor:my bidding? how about I "bid thee" to
stop raming the ship into [bleep]ing asteroids?! can you
handle that?!
- Darth Vader: I'm trying...
- Emperor: there is no try there is do and then
there's [bleep] up Royal and your [bleep] up
Royal so now I'm calling bounty hunters to do the job.
[picks up a phone]
- Darth Vader: but..
- Emperor: too late it's dialing. [looks
down at Vader] you look so tiny down there like a
mean...pepper shaker. Shela, hey it's Palpatine. I need you to
place an ad for me. Bounty Hunters needed to...um...to find and
locate...ya I guess that does mean the same thing. to locate the
Millenium Falcon. [looks back at Vader] she's
typing. so all you can see is my head? can you see this? [
Sticks up his middle finger]
- Emperor: [After phone call, crosses arms
] Bet that knee's starting to hurt.
- Darth Vader: Make her tell us the location of
the Rebel base.
- Dr. Ball: Good God man, I'm a doctor not a
savage! This is a flu shot! Good day sir!
- Darth Vader: You will make her -
- Dr. Ball: I said good day sir!
- Dr. Ball: [Padme's death scene in Revenge of the Sith] She's "lost the
will to live"? What is your degree in poetry? You sorry bunch of
hippies! For God' sake, don't use the billions of dollars of
medical equipment around us! Why don't we just get down on our
knees and pray!?! We don't have knees, you motherfuckers!
- [at Cloud City]
- Lando: I've made a deal that will keep the
empire out of our affairs forever.
- [door opens to reveal Darth Vader sitting at the head of a
table; he rises as Chewbacca roars and Han Solo fires multiple
times with his blaster; Vader deflects the blasts and pulls Han's
blaster away]
- Darth Vader: We'd be honored if you could join
us.
- [Boba Fett stands by Vader and stormtroopers block the
entrance; cutaway to everyone sitting at the table; everyone is
silent; Han looks in his glass to see it is empty as a stormtrooper
serves more food to Lando; Darth Vader tries to drink out of a
glass but can't until a stormtrooper puts in a straw]
- Han Solo: [nervously quiet] C-could-
can I get a little more water?
- Darth Vader: WHAT?
- Han Solo:Nothing! [clears throat] I
just asked for more water. [a stormtrooper refills his
glass]
- [Han looks over to Boba who is shaking his head at him, Han
is confused, Boba makes a cutting noise across the throat which
angers Han, Boba continues mocking Han by shooting a finger gun at
Han, Han in response pretends to inflate his middle finger, Boba is
not shaken and "cranks" up his own middle finger in response, Han
annoyed gives up]
- Lando: [breaking the silence] Sooo,
how we doin'? Liea, how's the soup? You ever had soup this
good?
- Princess Liea: Yes...[menacingly at
Vader] on Alderaan!
- 'Darth Vader: [chuckling] Hey, princess,
let it gooooooo... [gets a muffin using the force and stands
up] [doing a mocking reconstruction of the destruction of Alderaan]
Ohh, help me! 'We're a peaceful planet.' 'You may fire when
ready![throws crumbs in everyone's faces]
BOOOOOOOORRRRAAAARRRR!!!!!! Big Laser! BSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Alderaan
chunks everywhere! [chuckles] Psssshhhhhhh....[sits
down]
- [brief silence]
- Han Solo: Anyone uh...Anyone got a joke?
- Lando: I got one. Who's got two thumbs, and
betrayed his best friend? [no response] [cracking
up] [points to himself using his thumbs] THIS GUY!
[no response] Uhhhhh...too soon?
- Darth Vader: Well...[sighs] it's been
a time and a half. But...[sighs again and stretches] lot
of torturing to do. Bweep do-da-loop-de-hooo. [sings and walks
away accidentally taking the table cloth with him causing all the
dishes to crash onto the floor]
Cast
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