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Roseanne or Rose Ann is a feminine given name, and may refer to:

See also


Roseanne can refer to:


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Roseanne was a television sitcom that ran from 1989-1997 and lasted nine seasons. It starred Roseanne Barr and John Goodman, along with Laurie Metcalf, Lecy Goranson, and Sara Gilbert.

Season 1 Season 2 Season 3 Season 4 Season 5 Season 6 Season 7 Season 8 Season 9
Life and Stuff Inherit the Wind The Test A Bitter Pill to Swallow Terms of Estrangement: Part 1 Two Down, One to Go Nine Is Enough Shower the People You Love with Stuff Call Waiting
We're in the Money Little Sister Friends and Relatives Take My Bike, Please! Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 The Mommy's Curse Two For One Let Them Eat Junk Millions from Heaven
D-I-V-O-R-C-E Guilt by Disassociation Like a Virgin Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker The Dark Ages Party Politics Snoop Davey Dave Roseanne in the Hood What a Day for a Daydream
Language Lessons Somebody Stole My Gal Like, a New Job Darlene Fades to Black Mommy Nearest A Stash from the Past Girl Talk The Last Date Honor Thy Mother
Radio Days House of Grown-Ups Good-bye, Mr Right Tolerate Thy Neighbor Pretty in Black Be My Baby Sleeper Halloween - The Final Chapter Someday My Prince Will Come
Lovers' Lane Five of a Kind Becky, Beds and Boys Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places Halloween V Skeleton in the Closet The Fifties Show Pampered to a Pulp
The Memory Game Boo! Trick or Treat Vegas Halloween IV Homeward Bound Follow the Son The Getaway, Almost Satan, Darling
Here's to Good Friends Sweet Dreams PMS, I Love You Vegas, Vegas Ladies' Choice Guilt by Imagination Punch and Jimmy The Last Thursday in November Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti
Dan's Birthday Bash We Gather Together Bird is the Word Stressed to Kill Stand on Your Man Homecoming White Men Can't Kiss Of Mice and Dan Roseambo
Saturday Brain-Dead Poets Society Dream Lover Thanksgiving 1991 Good Girls, Bad Girls Thanksgiving 1993 Thanksgiving 1994 Direct to Video Home is Where the Afghan Is
Canoga Time Lobocop Do You Know Where Your Parents Are? Kansas City, Here We Come Of Ice and Men The Driver's Seat Maybe Baby December Bride Mothers and Other Strangers
The Monday Thru Friday Show No Talking Confessions Santa Claus It's No Place Like Home for the Holidays White Trash Christmas The Parenting Trap The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract Home for the Holidays
Bridge Over Troubled Sonny Chicken Hearts - Chicken Hearts The Courtship of Eddie, Dan's Father Bingo Crime and Punishment Suck Up or Shut Up Rear Window White Sheep of the Family Say It Ain't So
Father's Day One for the Road The Wedding The Bowling Show War and Peace Busted My Name is Bev Becky Howser, M.D. Hit the Road Jack
Nightmare on Oak Street An Officer and a Gentleman Becky Doesn't Live Here Anymore The Back Story Lanford Daze David vs. Goliath Bed and Bored Out of the Past The War Room
Mall Story Born to be Wild Home-Ec Less is More Wait Till Your Father Comes Home Everyone Comes to Jackie's Sisters Construction Junction Lanford's Elite
Becky's Choice Hair Valentine's Day Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do First Cousin, Twice Removed Don't Make Room for Daddy Lost Youth We're Going to Disney World Some Enchanted Merger
The Slice of Life I'm Hungry Communicable Theater This Old House Lose a Job, Winnebago Don't Ask, Don't Tell Single Married Female Disney World War II A Second Chance
Workin' Overtime All of Me Vegas Interuptus The Commercial Show It's a Boy Labor Day All About Rosey Springtime for David The Miracle
Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore To Tell the Truth Her Boyfriend's Back Therapy It Was Twenty Years Ago Today Past Imperfect Husbands and Wives Another Mouth to Shut Up Roseanne-Feld
Death and Stuff Fender Bender Trouble With Rubbles Lies Playing With Matches Lies My Father Told Me Happy Trailers Morning Becomes Obnoxious The Truth Be Told
Dear Mom and Dad April Fool's Day Second Time Around Deliverance Promises, Promises I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep The Blaming of the Shrew Ballroom Blitz Arsenic and Old Mom
Let's Call It Quits Fathers and Daughters Dances With Darlene Secrets Glengarry, Glen Rosey Body by Jake The Birds and the Frozen Bees The Wedding Into That Good Night: Part 1
Happy Birthday Scenes from a Barbecue Don't Make Me Over Tooth or Consequences Isn't It Romantic? Couch Potatoes Heart and Soul Into That Good Night: Part 2
The Pied Piper of Lanford Aliens Daughters and Other Strangers Altar Egos Sherwood Schwartz--A Loving Tribute Fights and Stuff
Cast External links

Season 1

Life and Stuff [1.1]

DJ: Mom, I got a knot in my shoe.
Roseanne: Wear loafers.
DJ: Come on, Mom.
Roseanne: All right, give them here.

Roseanne: This is why some animals eat their young.

Roseanne: Quick, they're gone. Change the locks!

We're in the Money [1.2]

Dan: (About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.
Roseanne: You're not gonna get it.
Dan: There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.
Roseanne: And they're all better then you, I bet.
Dan: Hey, I'm pretty good.
Roseanne: You're not either.
Dan: I'm the best!
Roseanne: You're the worst!
Dan: I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Roseanne: (to Darlene) What did I tell you about killing your brother in the living room?

D-I-V-O-R-C-E [1.3]

Language Lessons [1.4]

Dan: You only married me for my cooking.
Roseanne: Uh-uh. I married you 'cause you needed a date for your wedding!

[In the garage]
Jackie: She's always telling people how to live their lives...
Dan: Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.
Roseanne: [from outside] Well, I do!

Dan: It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't come over every weekend.
Jackie: Well, Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.

Dan: Hey! You can insult my wife and you can insult my children, but never badmouth my chili!

Roseanne: You knew when you married me that I had a sister!
Dan: But I didn't think she'd be be here every weekend.
Roseanne: Well, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.

Radio Days [1.5]

Becky: Mom!!!
Roseanne: She's not here.

Roseanne: [to Becky and Darlene] OK, there's only one way to solve this problem. Give me that pillow [takes pillow from Darlene] and give me that blanket, too.[takes blanket from Becky] All right, now turn around and face each other here. [the girls face each other]. Now I want you two to fight to the death.

Becky: I'll get the tape.
Darlene: No, I'll get the tape.
Roseanne: I'll get my tubes tied.

Lovers' Lane [1.6]

The Memory Game [1.7]

Dan: Where's your school spirit?
Roseanne: I lost it on prom night with everything else.

Becky: I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. I hate my face.
Darlene: That makes two of us.

Here's to Good Friends [1.8]

Dan's Birthday Bash [1.9]

Dan: You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?
Roseanne: Oh, you mean that 19-year-old Adonis with the washboard stomach?
Dan: You noticed.
Roseanne: Noticed? Hell, I made sketches.

Saturday [1.10]

Roseanne: Why must you mere mortals gamble with your own thoughts when you have the goddess of corn here to keep you from screwing up?

Dan: Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot, you're the real expert with women.
Dwight: I guess I know my way around the henhouse all right.
Dan: Yeah, probably so, since you're still living at home with your mom.

Dwight: You know, if my woman ever talked to me that way, you know what I would say?
Dan: Yeah, "Get back in the house, Ma!"

Jackie: [regarding Dwight] I was down at his hardware store the other day and he was following me around like a puppy. I thought it was cute.
Roseanne: Cute? I'll bet his parents are brother and sister.

Canoga Time [1.11]

Dan: Hey, kiddo, you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight?
Jackie: No, I have a date.
Dan: Animal, vegetable or mineral?
Jackie: Booker.
Roseanne: Vegetable.

Darlene: Miss Crane uses the blood of cats for red ink!

Booker: [trying to explain to Jackie why he is so late for their date] I was on the phone with my mother. [Jackie makes a face, Dan snickers] I was!
Roseanne: Geez, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.

The Monday Thru Friday Show [1.12]

Dan: What's this in my pocket? It could be? It might be? It is ... holy cow, it's a honeymoon! [hands Roseanne a brochure] Why yes, it's paradise.
Jackie: Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.
Roseanne: Yeah, paradise lost.

Darlene: I figured a paper route was an easy way to make money.
Dan: Ha, Darlene, there's no easy way to make money. If there was, your mother would have found it by now.

Bridge Over Troubled Sonny [1.13]

DJ: Mom, Darlene's still on the phone.
Roseanne: Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!
Dan: Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]

[Becky catches Darlene smoking]
Becky: What do you think you're doing?
Darlene: What does it look like, Einstein?
Becky: You're gonna die, you know that?
Darlene: From one cigarette?
Becky: Yeah: Mom and Dad are going to kill you.

Father's Day [1.14]

[Darlene is playng with trick handcuffs]
Roseanne: You know, Darlene, I have the feeling that you're going to have an even nicer pair of those someday.

Nightmare on Oak Street [1.15]

Mall Story [1.16]

Becky's Choice [1.17]

Roseanne: Get your popcorn, get your peanuts, get over here and help me with these damn bags!

Darlene: This is great, now I gotta eat this stupid fish and wear this stupid dress.
Roseanne: And you're gonna do the stupid dishes.

The Slice of Life [1.18]

[Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene is having an appendectomy]
Roseanne: Conner. C as in 'cat,' O as in 'oaf,' N as in 'numbskull,' N as in 'nitwit'...E as in...'empty-headed,' R as in 'target!'

Roseanne: I found it, Darlene!
Darlene: What?
Roseanne: The floor of your room!

Workin' Overtime [1.19]

Jackie: I suppose you're going to point the finger at me.
Roseanne: Yeah, and you know which one.

Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore [1.20]

Becky: [about Darlene] Can't we have her put to sleep?
Roseanne: Well, we tried, but the vet backed out.

Jackie: Fork over the bread, Fred.
Dan: Don't hurry back, Jack.
Jackie: Thanks for the cash...stupid.

Roseanne: What's the worst that could happen? A tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.

Roseanne: [scolding Darlene for playing a prank during the tornado] That is not funny! You're grounded till menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!

Crystal: How do you like your marshmallows, Roseanne?
Roseanne: Like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.

Roseanne: (After hearing loud bumping noise outside of the front door, scaring Crystal.) It's for you, Crystal!

(Roseanne and Dan bump into eachother in the hallway to the kitchen, making them both yell, scaring Crystal)

Crystal: What was it?
Dan: Nothing.
Roseanne: I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!

Death and Stuff [1.21]

Darlene: Will Dad have a third cup of coffee?
Becky: Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?
Roseanne: Will you get the hell out of my house?

Salesman: Good afternoon, ma'am, and how are you? I would like a moment of your time.
Roseanne: [closes the door] I already been saved.

[After the salesman dies on the table]
Roseanne:(Checks his pulse) Oh my God! He's dead!
Dan: Check it again!
Roseanne: I know how to count to zero!

Roseanne: Well, don't look at me. If we would have had sex like I wanted to, none of this would have happened.

Darlene: How's my baklava?
Police Officer: It's very hot. Don't touch it.
Darlene: [touches baklava] Ow!
Roseanne: You think 'cause you got a gun, she's gonna listen to you?

Coroner: [checks the body for a pulse] Yep, he's dead.
Roseanne: Well, there's that in-depth medical expertise we've been waitin' for.

Dear Mom and Dad [1.22]

Dan: Let me see if I got this straight: we need milk.
Roseanne: Milk.
Dan: We need eggs.
Roseanne: Eggs.
Dan: Bullets.

Bev: What kind of list is he making, not that it's any of my business?
Dan: A hitlist.

Roseanne: If my parents move to Lanford, I'm going to be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in prison for blowing them away.

Let's Call It Quits [1.23]

Mr. Faber: How long you been here, anyway?
Roseanne: Long enough.
Mr. Faber: Your, uh, personnel file says "11 years."
Roseanne: You know, the last three supervisors was checking out my personnel file, but you see any of them around here?

Mr. Faber: [after Roseanne quits by dramatically punching out and tossing her time-card on the floor] Well, that was a wonderful performance, Roseanne, but if any of you are considering joining her, may I point out there are two doors to this room: one that pays and one that doesn't.
[following Roseanne's lead, Jackie punches out, quitting. One by one, Vonda, Sylvia, and Crystal do the same.]
Roseanne: I guess we're not going to make our quota today, Honey-bunch.

Jackie: It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right....What was your name again?
Roseanne: Sally Field!

Season 2

Inherit the Wind [2.1]

Dan: [Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?
Darlene: Not all of her. If I were you I would check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.

Darlene: Well, just as Becky completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.
Roseanne: What happened?
Darlene: Becky. Cut. The cheese.

Darlene: People are already calling her "Conner-the-Bomber."

Crystal: Lonny told me about Becky's unfortunate accident. I'm so sorry.
Roseanne: Yeah, we're thinking about putting her to sleep

Little Sister [2.2]

Dan: Hey, we missing an offspring?
Roseanne: Yeah, where did ya think I got the bacon?

Jackie: You act like some big high-and-mighty, self-righteous, pedestal-type person, and you poo-poo everything in my life.
Roseanne: Yeah, and you go right for your addictive behavior. Uh, because you cannot handle conflict. That is the whole thing: you cannot handle conflict. Remember, we saw that whole thing on "Oprah": People who cannot handle conflict, so right away, they run for the alcohol.
[starts nibbling another pancake]
Jackie: Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne.

Guilt by Disassociation [2.3]

Dan: Okay, we have thirty minutes to make this house presentable.
Darlene: Rub a lamp.

Roseanne: (after telling Dan he made her quit her job) The hell you did!
Dan: The hell I did!

Somebody Stole My Gal [2.4]

House of Grown-Ups [2.5]

Roseanne: I hate my boss! I hope he never graduates high school.

[Becky is demonstrating to Darlene how to kiss]
Becky: Then you open your mouth a little bit.
Darlene: You open your mouth! For what?
Roseanne: [walking into the bedroom] So, you can slip him the tongue.

Becky: When you first met Dad, did you want to kiss him all the time?
Roseanne: Well, somebody had to do it. And you know me: work, work, work.

Five of a Kind [2.6]

Boo! [2.7]

Jackie: Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?
Roseanne: Oh yeah, she was scary.
Becky: Who's Mrs. Osmand?
Jackie: Oh, she was this madwoman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.
Roseanne: Too bad she never did it on Halloween.
Jackie: Hey, sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?
Roseanne: Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.
Darlene: Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?
Roseanne: If she's truly insane she will.

Roseanne: (After hearing Becky's mean attitude) Geez, I thought I was the Wicked Witch.

Sweet Dreams [2.8]

We Gather Together [2.9]

Brain-Dead Poets Society [2.10]

Darlene: I don't want to be expressive! I couldn't care less about poetry! I just want to graduate high school so I can get on with my life, so I can get a job and get out of this hellhole town!
Roseanne: But if you could be expressive, what would you say?

[Darlene has to recite her poem aloud]
Darlene: To whom it concerns, Darlene's work will be late
It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate.
To whom it concerns, my mom made me write this
And I'm just a kid, so how could I fight this?
To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment
Maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement.
To whom it concerns, Darlene's great with a ball
But guys don't watch tomboys when they're cruising the hall.
To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen
Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen.
To whom it concerns, I'm not made of steel
When I get blindsided, my pain is quite real.
I don't mean to squawk, but it really burns.
I just thought I'd mention it, to whom it concerns.

Nerd: Away, away, why do you stay? Fly away, bird. It looks at me and still it hops, and hops, and hops. Fly away.
Roseanne: Got a gun on ya?
Nerd: It spreads it's wings, and flies away, away, it does not look back. That's it.

Lobocop [2.11]

Becky: Mother, I haven't seen you all week. You're neglecting me.
Roseanne: I know honey, but it's nothing personal. I'm neglecting your brother and sister too.

No Talking [2.12]

[At dinner, nobody's talking to one another]

D.J.: What's going on?
Becky: Got me.
D.J.: Mom, what's going on?
Roseanne: We're playing a game.
D.J.: Can I play?
Dan: No, you're too mature to play this game.

Chicken Hearts [2.13]

Roseanne: I need that job, and I hate like hell that I do, but I need it. And I'm not working there because I need an allowance. I'm paying for a mortgage and putting food on the table and buying clothes for three kids. I don't think you'd even understand that. I don't think you understand anything. You're not grown up enough yet to understand that your life doesn't always turn out the way you plan it to be, and sometimes you end up doing stuff you thought you'd never do in a million years, but you still have to do it 'cause there's nothing else you can do.

Roseanne: I've definitely sunk to an all-time new low: I've been fired by Opie.

One for the Road [2.14]

Darlene: You have a big mouth.
Roseanne: No I don’t. BECKY!

Roseanne: For God's sake, Becky, you're 14 years old!
Becky: Mom, everything I do... everything I feel, it's always "she's 14." I mean, when you guys do something, people don't go, "Oh, well, she's 37."
Roseanne: 36 and a half.

An Officer and a Gentleman [2.15]

Becky: J-bird, you're an experienced woman, right?
Jackie: I'm not all that experienced.
Becky: But, you have dated a lot of boys.
Jackie: Yes, and a couple of men. At least one.

Dan: I've never washed dishes with another woman before.
Jackie: Ha-ha. How does it feel?
Dan: Cheap.

Born to be Wild [2.16]

[Dan sits on the rebuilt Harley]
Ziggy: Yes! The shocks held!

Hair [2.17]

Roseanne: I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Divine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job wherein I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.
Jackie: Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very well.

Crystal: You know, Roseanne, I never imagined in my whole life that I'd have you washing my hair.
Roseanne: Well, I always thought of holding your head under water, more than once.

Customer: Now, Iris, I love what you did last week, but can you make me look like that? [hands Iris a photo]
Roseanne: Oh, I'm sure you can, Iris. I'll go get the wand.

I'm Hungry [2.18]

Roseanne: We've gotta go on a diet.
Dan: What's this we jazz? My pants fit fine.

Darlene: Aw, face it. You're both tanks.
Roseanne: Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!
Darlene: Oh right. Like I invented double dutch chocolate.
Roseanne: No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.
Dan: Me too!
Darlene: Twenty pounds?
Roseanne: Okay, forty pounds...[pauses] With each kid.
Dan: Me too!

All of Me [2.19]

To Tell the Truth [2.20]

[Becky, Darlene and Roseanne are going through bridal magazines]
Becky: Hey, Dad, can't you see Aunt Jackie in one of these?
Dan: I don't know, babe. I think Aunt Jackie's body might reject a white dress.

Fender Bender [2.21]

Roseanne: [to Meg's dog, Jacques] C'mere, you little squirrel on a rope.

Jackie: You know, cops got a saying: You never pull a dead man out of a seat belt.
Darlene: What, you just leave them there?
Jackie: Some cops do, I don't.

April Fool's Day [2.22]

Fathers and Daughters [2.23]

[Dan and Becky are at the mall]
Becky: Thanks for, you know, coming.
[they hug]
Becky: I love you.
Dan: Yeah, I know... And here's a 10 spot for saying so.

Happy Birthday [2.24]

Dan: So, who are these guys?
Becky: The Splitting Headaches!
Dan: And what's the name of this song?
Darlene: Pounding!
Dan: So, basically, we're listening to Pounding by The Splitting Headaches?

Roseanne: Gone with the Wind was a book?

Season 3

The Test [3.1]

Becky: You did forget, I can't believe it!
Dan: [to Darlene] A little help. [Darlene imitates driving a car, crashing the car, and sirens blaring] Oh, yeah, your driving lesson.

Jackie: Are you sure Dan doesn't know?
Roseanne: No, he thinks I'm right on schedule.
Jackie: How did you manage that?
Roseanne: I faked PMS. I even added an extra day for the heck of it.

D.J.: Was I an accident?
Roseanne: No, D.J., you were a surprise.
D.J.: Oh. What's the difference?
Roseanne: Well, an accident is something that you would do over again if you had the chance. A surprise is something you didn't even know you wanted until you got it.
D.J.: Oh. Was Darlene an accident?
Dan: No, Darlene was a disaster.

Friends and Relatives [3.2]

D.J.: Darlene says I'm a prevert.
Roseanne: No, you're not a prevert, DJ, you're a pervert.

Arnie: Kid's a peeper, huh? Boy, that takes me back...
Roseanne: What, you got sisters too?
Arnie: I wish!

Like a Virgin [3.3]

Darlene: Good luck covering up those fresh zits tonight, Princess.
Becky: You're just jealous 'cause I'm anatomically correct.
Darlene: Yeah, and I'll bet you just can't wait to show Robert.

Roseanne: There's the rhythm method.
Becky: Does that work?
Roseanne: Ask your brother.

[Roseanne is having a talk with Becky about birth control]
Becky: But doesn't all that stuff, like, kill the mood?
Roseanne: Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.

[Darlene kisses Brian]
Brian: What was that for?
Darlene: For thinking cheerleaders are stupid.
Brian: Well, I don't think they're stupid. I think they're complete idiots.

Darlene: Did you get felt up?
Becky: No.
Darlene: Huh! I did.

Like, a New Job [3.4]

Darlene: (on the phone) Hello? Yeah! I'd love too. Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call. You wanna buy me dinner? Well gee, what's in it for you? Oh, sure I put out. Everybody knows that.
Roseanne: Darlene, what are you doing?
Darlene: Oh don't worry, Mom, he thinks it's Becky.
Roseanne: Oh, OK.
Becky: Mother! I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!
Darlene: [as Becky chases her] Sorry, gotta go. [Hangs up, to Becky] 7:30, don't dress.
Becky: You're dead!
Roseanne: Don't you have anything to say about what Darlene just did?
Dan: Yes. If only she would use her power for good instead of evil.

Good-bye, Mr Right [3.5]

Darlene: If D.J. was doing something weird, now I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away, right?
Roseanne: Yeah, but he'd find his way back, like you always do. What's going on?
Becky: He's doing something really weird.
Roseanne: Gosh, I am so tired of this, you know. It's really really boring, every time the kid does anything, you girls come down here squawking about it. Now I told you before, he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does them differently. He's a boy!
Darlene: Real different.
(Darlene shows the doll heads to Roseanne)
Roseanne: Oh, it looks like D.J. got himself a hobby.
Becky: Mother! These are my old dolls!
Dan: Oh geez, he's not playing with dolls, is he?
(Darlene shows him the box of beheaded Barbies)
Dan: That's a relief.

Jackie: He walked in here and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.
Roseanne: Well, so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!
Jackie: Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but you won't seem to go away!

Becky, Beds and Boys [3.6]

Darlene: Mom!
D.J.: Mom!
Roseanne: What?
Dan: Darlene's says everything DJ says a second before he says it.

Darlene: If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.

Darlene: [Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!
Roseanne: No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

Trick or Treat [3.7]

PMS, I Love You [3.8]

Dan: Do I have to spell it out? P-M-S!
D.J.: OH MY GOD!

Jackie: Are you sure?
Dan: Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.
Crystal: I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.
Dan: And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?
Becky: I'm gonna be at the mall.
Darlene: I've got basketball practice.
Crystal: Me too.

Dan: There's gonna be a 24-hour rollercoaster ride with Sybil at the switch.

Jackie: Wait! No, you can't leave!
Dan: Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.

Jackie: Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety...physical pain.
Dan: And it's rough on your mother, too.

Bird is the Word [3.9]

Darlene: I can't believe it! The nerd flips the bird!

D.J.: Mom, how come Becky's got three hands in this picture?
Roseanne: Three hands...?
D.J.: Yeah, look.
Roseanne: Lemme see. (looks through DJ's magnifying glass and gasps) She didn't do it. I'll kill her!

Becky: I can't believe this! You guys weren't mad when you thought I did do it, and now you’re mad 'cause you know I didn't? God, maybe next year I ought to moon the class photo so you guys are proud of me.
Roseanne: Make sure it's your own butt!

Dream Lover [3.10]

Roseanne: You know, of all of the people in the world to have as a role model, our kid has to pick Eddie Munster.
Dan: You're the one who thought it would be great to have a son.
Roseanne: Well, it would have.

Jackie: You're kidding? You guys have a night?
Roseanne: Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.
Jackie: You have a time too?
Roseanne: Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.
Jackie: Well, you should make him wait half an hour after he eats.

Do You Know Where Your Parents Are? [3.11]

Dan: Whatcha doin'?
Roseanne: Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warren's house tonight.
Dan: You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?
Roseanne: No! That was D.J. [pause] Little Warren just stunned 'em.

Becky: Well, if they're not missing, then what are they? I mean, hey, let’s face it, even Mom and Dad can't eat dinner for four hours.

Confessions [3.12]

Jackie: Bring on the fudge and Kevin Costner's butt. I'm ready to sink my teeth into both of them.
Roseanne: How ya doin' sis?
Bev: [yells from the bathroom] Roseanne, are these towels clean?
Jackie: You are just EVIL!

Bev: You know, Darlene, you're very lucky to have such a popular sister. When you start dating she could give you some pointers. (winks)
Darlene: Yeah well, if she's so popular, just ask her which one of us got felt up. (winks)
Roseanne: Darlene, leave the table.
Darlene: Yeah, I knew that'd do it.

The Courtship of Eddie, Dan's Father [3.13]

The Wedding [3.14]

Becky Doesn't Live Here Anymore [3.15]

Becky: No one could eat this crud.
Dan: Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.

Home-Ec [3.16]

Dan: Deej, what's goin' on?
D.J.: It's OK. As long as I give Kevin Morgan two Twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.
Dan: No, it's not OK. You can't go through life giving in to bullies.
DJ: But I wanna live!

[Darlene's Home Ec class is cooking dinner for the Conners]
Tanya: How long do we cook it?
Roseanne: 'Til the oldest kid comes down and whines 'Oh God, not meatloaf again!'. Call me when you're done.
Meryl: Hey, wait a minute. I don't see why I have to be stuck in this kitchen, killing myself cooking dinner for this family!
Girls: Yeah!
Roseanne: This is a proud, proud moment for me, girls! Now you're sounding like real houswives.

Dan: [to Kevin Morgan's father] Whoa, settle down or I'll give my wife a doughnut to kick your butt.

Roseanne: So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?
D.J.: No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he'd give me two Twinkies every day. Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.
Roseanne: He is a genius.

Valentine's Day [3.17]

Communicable Theater [3.18]

Roseanne: Geez, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts like a total baby.
Dan: [yells] What's that honey?
Roseanne: [yells back] I said, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts just like a baby!
Dan: Oh, ok.

Roseanne: Stay sick Dan. When you get well, I am going to kill you.

Vegas Interuptus [3.19]

Her Boyfriend's Back [3.20]

Dan: Oh look, it's our favorite fun couple: Becky and anybody-but-that-guy.
Roseanne: Oh man, he makes my skin crawl...
Dan: Ah...honey, just put on you're best fake smile.

Dan: (After sitting behind Roseanne on the motorcycle) Wow...suddenly I feel like Ann Margaret in "Kitten with a Whip".

Darlene: I got fifty bucks you can borrow Beck. That'll leave you with only twelve fifty.
Becky: What's in it for you?
Darlene: Well, I'll lend you the money, interest free, then when I'm sixteen, we share the car.
Becky: You think I'm gonna share a car with you? No way.
Darlene: Then forget it. Junior Miss can take the bus until she's forty.

Becky: I just don't want you to hate Mark.
Dan: I don't hate Mark.
Becky: Mom does.
Dan: Mom definitely hates him...definitely...hate. Mom does, yes.

Trouble With Rubbles [3.21]

Jackie: Maybe she was a little uptight.
Roseanne: A little uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.

Kathy: So now you're a better mother because you have more children?
Roseanne: Yes! I have three, and you only have one. Three to one, get it! I have three! I win!

Roseanne: I'm a better person. I'm a better person. I'm a better person. Hope I don't kill her.

Roseanne: Oh, you probably still sneak into Todd's room at night, and check if he's breathing.
Kathy: Yes!
Roseanne: Amateur!

Second Time Around [3.22]

Jackie: We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.
Darlene: Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.
Roseanne: [to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?

Becky: [about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.
Dan: He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain others in this household, considering what happened to me yesterday.
Darlene: You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take one shot. Now that is love.

[Roseanne is in labor]
Dan: If you aren't going to do it right, just forget the whole thing.

Dan: Five, five, five, five, one--yes, it's a boy!

Dances With Darlene [3.23]

(Darlene has just tried on a ridiculously spacey dress)
Becky: Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.

Dan: Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.
Darlene: Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.

Roseanne: C'mon, Darlene, don't miss out on this just to get back at me. There's better ways of gettin' back at me! Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother!

Scenes from a Barbecue [3.24]

Becky: What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.
Dan: Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.

The Pied Piper of Lanford [3.25]

Roseanne: You're the guy that said you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough.
Ziggy: And I've never been proven wrong.

Season 4

A Bitter Pill to Swallow [4.1]

Roseanne: Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control. [Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?
Dan: Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.

Take My Bike, Please! [4.2]

Roseanne: I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone family.

D.J.: I haven't said anything in two days and nobody's cared.
Roseanne: That's impossible.
D.J.: Uh huh! The last thing I said was 'Cheerios'!

[Roseanne and Dan realize that they forgot about DJ again]
Dan: Oh my god! I can't believe we forgot about him again.
Roseanne: Boy, he needs to learn to bitch and moan like his sisters, or he ain't going to make it in this family.

Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker [4.3]

Roseanne: (to D.J.) Remember, since the last time, your dad made that rule: no more pets.
Dan: (with the dog) Yes, you're just a happy boy, yes you are. Look at you, waggin' your happy little tail. Mmm mmm mmm, ah-oooohh.
Roseanne: Dan, would you like to explain your "no more pets" rule or keep making out with the dog?

Roseanne: You would not believe the day she's having. First her car breaks, then a kitchen fire. The way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing that happens is some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.

Roseanne: What the hell were you thinking?!
Jackie: I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead, and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks!
Roseanne: Well, that's still no excuse.

Leon: (looking in Roseanne's fridge) Well, well, well, a gallon of mayo, a gallon of pickle chips, and, yes, it looks like a tub of Rodbell's famous coleslaw. Just like in my own refrigerator at home.

Dan: Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?
Roseanne: What difference does it make? You're all pigs!

Darlene Fades to Black [4.4]

Becky: Oh, so that's the way it works around here? You lie around like a hairball and you get free clothes? Well, maybe if I lapse into a coma, I'll get that car.

Bonnie: What about her friends? What if she's hanging around with a bad influence?
Roseanne: [Scoffs] No, Darlene always was the bad influence.

[Darlene has started dressing in all black. Dan holds a mirror up to her face.]
Dan: Just checking.

Tolerate Thy Neighbor [4.5]

Roseanne: God, I hate Kathy Bowman!
Becky: And today's reason is…

Leon: Roseanne, did it ever occur to you for even one moment to stay out of it!
Roseanne: Yeah, but by then it was too late.

Kathy: I'm in hell.
Roseanne: Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code, though.

Roseanne: Y'know, Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more..fit in.
Kathy: And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I supposed to wander around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?
Roseanne: Now you're getting it! Yeah! Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here Tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to the others.
Kathy: What are you talking about?
Roseanne: Oh, we all used to be like you, Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying...but now...we're The Lanford Wives.
Kathy: Goodbye, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, it's useless to try to resist us, Kathy. We already have Jerry! Jerry's one of us. Jerry joined the Lodge.
Kathy: You're a sick woman, Roseanne.
Roseanne: Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise, Kathy. Just think about it: Swap meets...bowling leagues...bingo...double coupon week... Casino Night at the slaughterhouse. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.

Trick Me Up, Trick Me Down [4.6]

Chuckie: (reading from card): "Fellow lodge members, we had booked a fabulous act to entertain you tonight, but unfortunately they died. But the show must go on, so here they are, fresh from the cemetery, please welcome..." Oh, man. "Deadgar Bergen and Mortuary Snerd."

Jerry: [talking about a Halloween prank Dan and Roseanne pulled on Kathy earlier] Oh boy, I gotta tell you Dan, Kathy was so mad about that, she didn't say a word to me all day.
Dan: Well I guess you owe me a beer, Jer.
Jerry: [chuckling] Yea, I guess I do.

Vegas [4.7]

Nancy: It's official, I'm settling for Arnie.

Dan: So you want to just take off and leave the kids?
Roseanne: Yes, Dan, that's all I've ever wanted!!

Vegas, Vegas [4.8]

Roseanne: Marriage stinks, with a capital SUCK!

Stressed to Kill [4.9]

Roseanne: [at a customer] You did too order salami. Yes ya did. Yes ya did. Then why'd you take a big ol' bite out of it?
Bonnie: [on the phone] Oh, she's doing much better, Dan.
Roseanne: Eat it or wear it.

Roseanne: Can I help you?
Customer: Uh, yeah. Which is better, the tuna salad or the egg salad?
Roseanne: Tuna salad, egg salad, chicken salad, turkey salad, shrimp salad. What difference does it make? It's all just different words for mayonnaise. Pick one.

Leon: This is a luncheonette, not the Betty Ford Clinic. Be psychotic on your own time.

Becky: You know, I don't believe you Darlene. I help you out with your paper and you get me nailed for it.
Darlene: Look, I apologized for that yesterday. Besides, I didn't ask for your help. You did it 'cause you felt sorry for me and I don't need your damn pity.
Becky: Are you kidding? You're begging for it. "Oh, high school is too hard. My friends don't like me. Nobody understands me." Well, then do something about it, you little wimp!
Darlene: Shut up Becky. You don't know what you're talking about.
Becky: Of course not, 'cause you're so complex, you're so deep. Well, that's crap. You're just a whiny little basket case whose milking this depression for all it's worth. So here it is, four in the afternoon and you get to do exactly what you want, well, way to go. Now excuse me, I've got a zillion chores to do or Mom and Dad are going to kick my butt.

Thanksgiving 1991 [4.10]

Nana Mary: Hey, caveman, don't get fresh with me.
Dan: Not gettin' fresh with ya, I'm just friskin' you for silverware, you crazy bat!

Kansas City, Here We Come [4.11]

(Becky walks into the living room where Dan is reading the paper)
Becky: God, I hate my life!
Dan: Tough day, honey?
Becky: My job sucks, my boss is a big dumb jerk.
Dan: (still looking at paper) Too bad, dear.
Becky: And I can't quit because there's never any money around here for anything I want.
Dan: Sorry, sweetheart.
Becky: And if you expect me to clean up this rat hole, you're nuts! I'm taking a bath and going to bed.
Dan: (continuing to look at the paper) 'Night, Rosie.

Santa Claus [4.12]

Bingo [4.13]

(Darlene and Becky are taking care of a baby who won't stop crying)
Darlene: Maybe he needs to be changed.
Becky: I changed him five times already.
Darlene: Well, maybe you did it wrong. (Baby talk) Maybe you gave him a little baby wedgie.

Dan: It was really weird. This commercial came on for cereal, talking about all the vitamins it has--B1, B6, B12. I turned around and she was gone.

The Bowling Show [4.14]

Duke: Any of you ladies have a request?
Bonnie: How 'bout doing the dishes once in a while?
Duke: I don't know that one!

Kevin Healy: (meeting Darlene for the first time) I like your hair; it's totally out of control.
(This is the only time he's called Kevin. In his next appearance, it's changed to David.)

The Back Story [4.15]

Jackie: Well, they must have a lot of confidence in you!
Becky: Yeah right, all I have to do is count to ten.
Darlene: Don't wear mittens, it'll slow you down.
[Roseanne laughs from the other room]
Becky: Mother!
Roseanne: Well it was funny, Becky.

Less is More [4.16]

[after a doctor describes a breast reduction procedure, both Roseanne and Jackie have their arms crossed over their chests]
Roseanne: What sick Nazi man thought this up?

Roseanne: Oh, way ta go, Doogie!

Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do [4.17]

'DJ: I thought it was good to be a man.
Dan: Oh, no. Not since the late 60's, son

Dan: Hey Rosie, get this! Dean got hurt in football just like I did.
Roseanne: No kidding, you got drunk and fell off the bus too?

This Old House [4.18]

Roseanne: [Darlene and David race downstairs when Roseanne and Jackie come in the front door] Hey!
Darlene: What?
Roseanne: What are you doing upstairs with some boy?
Darlene: Well no one was home, so I figured, why not become a woman!

The Commercial Show [4.19]

Roseanne: (screaming at D.J. and Todd from downstairs as Dan, still in bed, counts along on his fingers) Now listen up! There will be no talking, no giggling or laughing, no playing music, no singing, no animal noises, no doing whatever the hell you were doing when you were making that peg-leg kinda thumping noise, no bird calls, no bouncing the ball, and no jumping on the bed or I'm coming up there, now GO TO SLEEP!!!

Bonnie: Who was that?
Roseanne: That was my lovely neighbor.
Bonnie: Oh, the ice-pop lady, eh?
Roseanne: Mm-hm, frozen solid with a great big old stick up her butt.

D.J.: You're only moving to Chicago 'cause your mom needs an operation.
Todd: She does not!
D.J.: She does too! My mom said she's having a big stick taken out of her butt.

Jackie: Hey Beck, where's Darlene?
Becky: Well, they said she couldn't be in the commercial dressed like death.
Dan: She go home?
Becky: Not yet!
(Darlene walks in wearing a flowered dress and braided hair)
Darlene: Shut up.
Dan: Why, Darlene! You look--
Darlene: Shut up.
Jackie: Oh, come on! It's not so--
Darlene: SHUT UP!!

Therapy [4.20]

Roseanne: (talking to Jackie's therapist about Dan) You know, Arlene, he has some other woman's name tattooed on his arm!
Dan: It's your name!
Roseanne: It's NOT my name-- it's Mrs. Kennedy's name!

Lies [4.21]

David: So what did I do, anyway? I put my arm around you.
Darlene: Well yeah, what was next?
David: God, I don't know. It took me 3 weeks to get to that.

Deliverance [4.22]

Roseanne: [after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced the thermostat!
Dan: I know, but it's still either too hot or too cold.
Roseanne: That's because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps having hot and cold flashes.
Dan: I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
Jackie: No!
Dan: Yeah. Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.

(Jackie and Becky are sitting at the kitchen table commiserating with each other about being alone. Darlene and David come in from outside.)
Darlene: (To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?
David: I was just holding your hand.
Darlene: Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!
Becky: (To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.

Dan: [walks in the back door to the kitchen] Where's Darlene?
Roseanne: Up in her room.
Dan: Why?
Roseanne: Her and David got into a little tiff.
Dan: [referring to David, who's eating dinner with the family] What's he doing here?
Roseanne: Well, I had already invited him and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped a coin until he won.

Darlene: (To David) Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DaviDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.

Crystal: [in labor] This better be a girl. It better be a girl.
Dan: Oh, come on now, Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.
Crystal: The hell I will!

Dan: [after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look, Crystal, and you can't make me.

Roseanne: [after Jackie hangs up from talking with Bonnie] What'd she say?
Jackie: Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it because you're an idiot!
Roseanne: She called me an idiot?

Secrets [4.23]

Arnie: C'mon, that's enough, I've been out of work before, nobody let ME win!
Dan: It's enough we let you sit at the grownups' table!

Don't Make Me Over [4.24]

Dan: First of all, let's just say that you going away for the weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away, that was never going to happen, no matter how you sucked up.
Becky: OK, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes.
Dan: She's not gonna 'like, explode', she's too busy cryin' her eyes out. I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now. You guys just don't get it. You see, she thought you were actually going to do something nice for her, you know, like you cared. And that would have been the very best thing you could've done for her today, but you just ruined it.

Dan: We're going out to eat.
Roseanne: No, I don't want to sit across from those two.
Dan: You're not going to. They're going to stay here. I'm punishing them, and eating my chili's just the beginning of the punishment.
Roseanne: But they hate ME, right?
Dan: Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME. It's my Mother's Day present for you. Now go get dressed.
Roseanne: [smiles] Oh this is great! This is way better than some dumb robe!

Aliens [4.25]

Season 5

Terms of Estrangement: Part 1 [5.1]

Becky: You know, you act like you're the only one with problems around here.
Dan: Boy, you are the most selfish piece of work I've ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we are going through?
Becky: Do you have any idea what I'm going through? I mean, today may be the last I will ever see Mark again, OK.
Roseanne: Whoa. What are you talking about?
Becky: He got a job offer in Minneapolis; I'm telling him to take it and it is all 'cause of you.
Dan: Excuse me?
Becky: If you knew how to run a business he would still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything. You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!
Roseanne: Becky, you shut up.
Becky: Come on, Mother. You know it, everybody knows it, I'm the only one with the guts to say it!
Roseanne: Oh, honey, that's not true. I would have had the guts to say it.
Dan::[while on the phone with Becky] What? What do you mean you got married?
Roseanne: :[through phone that Becky left off the hook] Is this some kind of a joke or something? If you aren't really married, i'm going to kill you. If you are really married, i'm going to kill you.

Terms of Estrangement: Part 2 [5.2]

(Darlene and David are watching TV when Becky and Mark come in)
Becky: Anybody home?
Darlene: Oh, look, it's Joanie and Chachi.
Mark: Hey little bro, how ya doin'?
David: Great, except thanks to you, I'm now related to my girlfriend.
Becky: Where's Mom?
Darlene: She's in the kitchen...with the knives.
Mark: Want me to go in there with you?
Darlene: With the knives.
(Becky's worried about facing Roseanne)
Darlene: If you lie still, she may just sniff you and leave you alone.

Becky: Mom, Darlene won’t let me put the beds next to each other so Mark and I can sleep next to each other tonight.
Darlene: I am NOT moving into D.J.'s room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed!
Roseanne: Just so I know, who am I supposed to be mad at?
Darlene: I'm going to sit on my bed until morning.
Becky: Mark's my husband, mother, and we are not going to stay here unless we can sleep together.
Roseanne: Okay. Beat the hell out of this chicken.

Mark: Dan, I think you and me should talk about this.
Dan: You're in my way. Are you going to move...or am I going to move you?

(Squeaking from above Roseanne and Dan's bedroom. They think Becky and Mark are having sex)
Becky (from upstairs): Very funny, Darlene! Stop jumping on D.J.'s bed!

(Becky and Mark are getting ready to leave for Minneapolis)
Mark: Hey, I'm gonna take care of her. So back off.
Roseanne: Foolish boy. You know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore. I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well now I'm family, and you've seen the way I treat my family.
Roseanne: Darlene, D.J., get down here!
Becky: Bye, D.J.
D.J.: See ya! (Runs off)
Roseanne: I hope you know how hard that was for him.
Darlene: Take it easy.
Becky: You too.
Darlene: I'll miss you.
Becky: Will you call?
Darlene: Promise. I love you, Becky.
Becky: I love you, Darlene.
Darlene: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Becky: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Roseanne: All right, knock it off.
Darlene: See you, bubble butt.
Becky: Later, Morticia.

The Dark Ages [5.3]

Roseanne: I'm not ready to become a grandmother.
Darlene: Nothing happened last night, I told you.
Roseanne: Oh Darlene, he spent the whole night here in your room. I'm not stupid.
Darlene: Well neither am I. First of all I don't want to have sex yet. And second you think I'd do it with you twenty feet away?
Roseanne: Why not? You can do it real quiet without us knowing about it.
Darlene: Really? You can't!

[long pause]

Roseanne: You mean you can hear us?
Darlene: Last night, I had to tell David you were moving furniture.

Mommy Nearest [5.4]

Pretty in Black [5.5]

Darlene: I can't believe I'm going through with this. Well, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on my free meal at Lenny's.
Dan: Denny's.

Roseanne: Hey Darlene, think fast! [throws her a set of car keys]
Darlene: What are these?
Dan: Well, Becky's car seems to be running fine now. [hand Darlene an envelope] And here. I think this ought to be enough here to buy you and your fellow creatures of the night dinner and a movie. They're waiting for you at Pizza King.
Roseanne: Surprise! We want you to leave!
Darlene: Yes! That's just what I always wanted!
Roseanne: Well, I know my kid.
Darlene: So what, this whole party thing was a big joke? You put me through hell.
Roseanne: Well, that was kinda for us.
Dan: "Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore." Sucker!
Roseanne: What? You're not gone yet?
Darlene: Leaving.
Roseanne: Darlene?
Darlene: Yes?
Roseanne: [sighs] I hate your hair.
Darlene: [smiles] Thanks, Mommy!

Looking for Loans in All the Wrong Places [5.6]

Halloween IV [5.7]

Ladies' Choice [5.8]

Stand on Your Man [5.9]

Nancy: Thank God we all brought our ovaries.

Good Girls, Bad Girls [5.10]

Molly: They're so cute. Which one do you want?
Darlene: The one who'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.

[Sean tries to put his arm around Darlene]
Darlene: Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.

Darlene: Can we get out of here? It's been like, an hour and a half.
Molly: It's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, OK?
Darlene: Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.

Darlene: Just stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of your Outsiders can go rumble someplace else.

Darlene: Oh, man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad Afterschool Special.

Dan: I'm gonna go stand in the middle of the street so the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.

Roseanne: Where the hell have you been?
Darlene: Trying to get home. That skankwoman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to hail a cab.
Dan: I don't care what your story is. The rule is, you call.
Darlene: It was a rough neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.

Roseanne: Cut the crap, OK? You're talking to Darlene's mother, the mother of all mothers, and she is majorly mad.

Roseanne: Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.

Molly: I don't have to listen to this.
Roseanne: Oh, but I think you do. Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're going to be extra careful, because Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.

Of Ice and Men [5.11]

Darlene: Say this guy's in front of you, and he's got the puck. What do you do?
D.J.: Try to steal it from him.
Darlene: No. You do this. [She hits a cracker hard with her fist, crushing it on the table.] Any questions?

Dan: There's a lot of excitement here at the Lanford Arena as we enter the second period of the Otters' home opener. The goalie is back from the restroom, and the action is resuming. The Cinderella story of the evening continues to be young D.J. Conner, on the ice much to the surprise of his entire family! There's a breakaway! There's a breakaway! Young Conner moves towards the goal! He shoots! Oh! He forgot the puck!

Roseanne, Dan, Darlene: (cheering DJ as he leaves the penalty box) D.J., D.J., D.J., D.J.... (Unseen hard hit) Oooohhh!!!
(Ref puts DJ back in the box to the boos of the crowd)
Woman at Game: Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?
(Roseanne, Dan, and Darlene sit back, smiling proudly)

Roseanne: Well Dan, I guess you're just so proud of your kid, ramming people and smashing into them that you had to celebrate by giving him his very first sip of beer!
Dan: I had to. The hooker made him nervous.

It's No Place Like Home for the Holidays [5.12]

Jackie: (after telling Roseanne that she won't be going to her house for Christmas) I'm sorry, but Fisher and I are a new couple and we're just trying to develop some us time.
Roseanne: Oh GOD, that's totally gross! That is your therapist talking!
Jackie: Oh it couldn't be because I stopped going to my therapist.
Roseanne: Why? You can't be cured.
Jackie: Fisher says I don't need it anymore. He says I'm able to make my own decisions.
Roseanne: Hey, I'll be the one that tells you when you're able to make your own decisions.

Mrs. Healey: What the hell do you care? You really want to know what I was doing tonight, because I'll tell you.
David: Shut up, mom!
Mrs. Healey: Don't you tell me to shut up! This is my house!
David: Why did you even come home?
Mrs. Healey: You apologize! (slaps David) You apologize to me!
Mrs. Healey: Telling me what to do, when you got you're little girlfriend, spending the night? Dragging Conner trash over here. Another slut just like her sister! (storms upstairs)

Roseanne: So, uh, what time did Nancy and Marla leave?
Dan: About an hour ago. After their sixth encounter under the mistletoe.
Roseanne: Well, you know what they say, Dan, every time lesbians kiss another angel gets her wings.

Roseanne: You think you're the only person that's been through stuff? I've been through stuff. But you know, I still believe in God, you know, I mean, I'd like to believe that all of the horrible, hideous crap that I have to wallow through every single day of my life, could some point I would find out the meaning to, and the reason for, I mean, so I can be happy, you know what I mean, there is a God..there is...I swear to God there is a God. And if there ain't, I've been screwed.

Crime and Punishment [5.13]

Jackie: What kind of obscene material could D.J. have?
Roseanne: Oh, I don't know, probably one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.

Dan: I don't know where D.J. got this, but you can be sure we don't allow things like this in our house. This is not the way we raise our children. [to D.J.] Where did you get this?
D.J.: Darlene made it.

Roseanne: Well, Dan, my day dealing with the family was a big ice cream cone in the dirt, how was yours?
Dan: Well, honey, I hate to top you, but I got a 2-for-1. That obscene reading material D.J. brought to school? Darlene's the editor-in-chief. Take a look at this, it's really sick.
(Roseanne looks at the comic book and laughs, to which Dan is shocked)
Roseanne: There was a funny part

Darlene: What's wrong with Aunt Jackie?
Roseanne: Some say environment, but I think she was born that way.
Darlene: Well, was she in an accident?
Roseanne: No, why?
Darlene: Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.
Roseanne: She didn't tell me about that.

Roseanne: You come over here, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing, how do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?
Jackie: W...why can't you just leave it alone?
Roseanne: (realizes that it was Fisher) That son of a bitch!

Roseanne: (seeing Dan's swollen hand) Oh, my God, you didn't kill him (Fisher), then go buy chicken, did you?
Dan: No, I bought the chicken first.

Roseanne: I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?
Dan: Well, it started out that way.
Roseanne: What'd he say?
Dan: Well, if I remember correctly; "Ouch. Ouch. My head." Something along those lines.

War and Peace [5.14]

D.J.: Mom! Mom, you have to sign my math test.
Roseanne: Oh...not now, D.J.
D.J.: The teacher said I have to have it by tomorrow!
Roseanne: God, hasn't Darlene taught you how to forge my signature yet?
D.J.: I got a D.
Roseanne: It's okay, Deej, I'm sure you tried your best.
D.J.: Geez, it was only one time, give a break!
Roseanne: You go over to the Tildons' and when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you.
D.J.: OK!

Roseanne: Now I need you to do me a favor.
Darlene: OK.
Roseanne: OK, we need milk. And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?

Darlene: Well, well, well!
Dan: [groaning] Aww, man!
Darlene: My, my, my, my, my!
Dan: What are you doing here?
Darlene: You know, I'll bet that when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.
Dan: Come on Darlene, I don't have time for this...
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.

Darlene: I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house. Mom says we have a new daddy now.

Roseanne: Well, people've been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, we are officially poor white trash!

Jackie: It's just really humiliating, though, you know, because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you are.
Dan: It's a big job. We had to expand the department.

Roseanne: You ever come near her again, and this time I'll handle you and believe me, I'm way more dangerous than Dan. I have a loose-meat restaurant. I know what to do with the body.

Lanford Daze [5.15]

Darlene: Doesn't it bother you that you make a living by exploiting animals?
Roseanne: You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people; all that's left for us IS animals!

Wait Till Your Father Comes Home [5.16]

Roseanne: OK, that's it. I can't do it anymore, you call the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie...dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then, wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] Hello, Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie...Jack-key! Yes. I'm fine...Fine!...I'm fine!...I got some bad news...Dad isn't with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away...He's passed away!...Dad is gone...Dad's dead!...He's dead!...No...DEAD!...DEAD! DEAD!... He's fine! He sends his love! [hangs up] I am not doing that again! You can't make me!

Bev: [confronting her late husband's mistress, Joan, in the funeral home] I've waited a long time for this moment, and you will not rob me of it.
Joan: All right, go ahead.
Bev: I think you should be shot. I long for the days when we could brand someone like you with a scarlet letter, leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast, and if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease, I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee!

First Cousin, Twice Removed [5.17]

Ronnie: Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.
Roseanne: Yeah, an ass. [Pause] And where did you get that hoity-toity accent from, anyway? You're from Illinois!

Roseanne: I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a real good reason to hate you: You're a bitch!
Ronnie: I'm a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches. Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.

[pause]

Roseanne: Good one!

Lose a Job, Winnebago [5.18]

It's a Boy [5.19]

Roseanne: Hey, I don't mean to interfere here, but the kids just took a shot at staying together. It's not the worst thing in the world.
Mrs. Healy: Oh, you don't think so?
Roseanne: No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today!
Mrs. Healy: Look, I don't need you butting in, telling me how to raise my kids. Look at the two little whores you raised!
Roseanne:...Oh, I'm in this now. You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones!

David: I'm not going anywhere, I promise.
Mrs. Healy: I'd like to see you try and run away from me. You think you can live without me? You think you can survive for two minutes in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! You are a worthless little bastard!!!
Roseanne: OK, I'm changing my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.
Mrs. Healy: Are you trying to steal my kid?!
Roseanne: It's nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, he is not gonna stay here with you.

Roseanne: Dan, I went and had another kid.
Dan: Is David out there?
Roseanne: You mean Dan Jr.?

[David just moved into the house]
Dan: I feel it, men! The hormonal blance in the house has shifted. And men are victorious! Come men, let us retire to the living room where we will watch The Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.

It Was Twenty Years Ago Today [5.20]

Dan: I'm gonna go out tonight and do exactly what I did the night before our wedding twenty years ago--I'll be with my friends getting drunk.
Roseanne: You weren't with your friends, you were with your mom.
Dan: My mom can drink my friends under the table any day!

Playing With Matches [5.21]

Molly: I can get the homework assignment from Darlene later.
Roseanne: Dan, did you hear that? Darlene went to school today.

Promises, Promises [5.22]

Glengarry, Glen Rosey [5.23]

Dan: Aw man, we're screwed.
Roseanne: No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.

Roseanne: No, well, I'm thinkin' about that bridge we could of bought over there in New York City.
Dan: Aw, she was a dandy big bridge, alright.
Roseanne: You know Dan, if we move fast, we can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford, we can own our very own damn pyramid.
Dan: You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa? Hot diggity-dog!

Tooth or Consequences [5.24]

Daughters and Other Strangers [5.25]

Season 6

Two Down, One to Go [6.1]

Darlene: Is it OK if David takes me to school?
Dan: Did you ask your mother?
Darlene: Yeah.
Roseanne: I'm OK with it, how about you, Dan?
Dan: Sure, what the hell.
Darlene: Thanks, Dad.
Roseanne: Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.
Dan: I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.
Roseanne: God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined dessert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]
Dan:...I didn't think I'd take it that hard.

Roseanne: All human beings connect sex and love....except for men.

The Mommy's Curse [6.2]

Party Politics [6.3]

Roseanne: Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.

Darlene: :[on phone with DJ's teacher] yes, this is Mrs. Conner. Yeah, DJ is sick. Oh, its a stomach bug. We all have it. In fact, I feel like I have to throw up right now. Oh, don't worry, it's a cordless, you can come along.

Darlene: Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. No, he hasn't been able to make it, he's been very sick.

(switches to the other line, where Fred hands the phone to Roseanne)

Roseanne: Don't mess with the master, Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble, I am going to make you wish I was never born. Oh, and by the way, I know you and David made up, too.
Darlene: How'd you find out?
Roseanne: You just told me.

Roseanne: D.J., come on! I'm walking you to school today.
D.J.: (sees Roseanne in her robe): Oh no, you're not going in that, are you?
Roseanne: Oh no D.J., I wouldn't do that to you. But I would do...(take off her robe to reveal trashy hillbilly clothes) this! And look, I found your old Sesame Street lunchbox so you won't have to be embarrassed with those big brown bags anymore. Oh, my, just a minute, wait one minute here, this...(takes out lipstick and coats her mouth with it) is for when I kiss you goodbye. Okay, come on, we've got to hurry, 'cause I've got to make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister. I want to get there in time for one of her big classes. I want to dance for them!

A Stash from the Past [6.4]

Jackie [sitting in the bathtub]: Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

Roseanne: (pulls back shower curtain) Oh hi, Jackie! We thought you...you went home.
Jackie: Why me? I got nothing. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family, it's just me. It's just me and my ganja.

DJ: (knocks on bathroom door) Mom?
Jackie: The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)
Dan: DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...
Roseanne: Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?

Be My Baby [6.5]

Jackie: Hold on, Roseanne, I have something to tell my mother. I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for hours, and I'm pregnant. And I'm not going to marry him! I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl I'm naming it Gidget.
Bev: And what if it's a boy? How 'bout that drummer you were so crazy about...Bongo?

Halloween V [6.6]

Young Roseanne: You shouldn't eat that Jackie.
Young Jackie: Hey, you're not the boss of me, Roseanne.
Young Roseanne: (chuckles) Oh, right.
Young Jackie: Why shouldn't I eat it?
Young Roseanne: Well, everyone knows they put poison, and razor blades in those. Better give it to me.
Young Jackie: That's stupid, that's not really true. (bites into a piece of candy) See? I'm okay.
Young Roseanne: Oh, I guess you're right. (bites into a piece of an apple and pretends to bleed out of her mouth, prompting Jackie to scream)

Dan: I'm sorry Jackie, I'm not going into the ladies room, you're just going to have to hold it!
Jackie: Have to go sometime, Dan.
Dan: Maybe you should try slowing down at the bar!
Jackie: Don't tell me what to do, Dan! I'm doing you a favor just wearing this thing.
Dan: Oh, yeah, I'm sure the real Marie Antoinette drank so much beer!

Homeward Bound [6.7]

Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room 'cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it or really really bad at it!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, y'know, 'cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Darlene: Well, don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?
Roseanne: OK, new subject. Um, Dan, how was your day at work?
Dan: Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!

Guilt by Imagination [6.8]

Phyllis Zimmer: Did Roseanne ever find out about us?
Dan: Yes. [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.

Homecoming [6.9]

Roseanne: I cannot believe they replaced that Darrin.
Jackie: It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.
Becky: (Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.

Thanksgiving 1993 [6.10]

Jackie: Glad you could make it, Fred.
Fred: Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.
Jackie: [to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.
Fred: We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.
Dan: You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.
Jackie: [to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.
Roseanne: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.

Roseanne: You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!
Nana Mary: Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.
Bev: You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!
Roseanne: I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!
Fred: You okay, Jackie?
Jackie: Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.
Dan: Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape.

DJ: (on phone) Mark hit Dad, and then Dad hit Mark really hard. Man, Darlene, you picked the wrong year to miss Thanksgiving.

The Driver's Seat [6.11]

White Trash Christmas [6.12]

Bev: Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside were appalling. The Wise Men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.
Roseanne: Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.
Bev: And what on earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?
Dan: Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn on our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?
[Dan, D.J., and Bev go outside. Roseanne hangs the "beer can" wreath on the door, turns the lights off inside, and joins them. The lights are turned on as a very bright light pours into the house.]
Bev: What is Santa Claus doing?
Roseanne: Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.
[Dogs barking "Jingle Bells" plays.]

Suck Up or Shut Up [6.13]

Dan: Oh we've just gotta have that kid over more often. He makes our other kids look less odd!
Roseanne: I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to Elijah Minnelli.

(Dan starts kicking his legs, as if he were in a kick-line)

Roseanne: Elijah with a J!

Busted [6.14]

Roy: So you want something to drink?
Roseanne: Yeah thanks, I think a tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot.

Dan: You wanna order a pizza?
Roy: #3 on the speed-dial.
Dan: Excellent!

(Darlene and David walk into the apartment, where Roseanne is waiting)

Roseanne: Hi, David. I found this pen. Does it belong to you?
David: (scared) Um...no.
Roseanne: Oh, OK then. Oh wait, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!

David vs. Goliath [6.15]

Everyone Comes to Jackie's [6.16]

Dan: [to Fred] Damn women! Who do they think they are anyway?
Roseanne: We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me!

Don't Make Room for Daddy [6.17]

Jackie: You're dropping it so I'll think you're a really great guy and agree to go out with you again. When are you gonna accept the fact that I don't want anything to do with you?
Fred: When are you gonna accept the fact that I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just wanna see my kid once in a while.
Jackie: Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time. And who do you see when you see the baby? Me, and you end up attached to my life. It's so obvious!
Roseanne: Okay, so let me get this straight here. When Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you, too, right? So everything on Earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.
Jackie: Yes.
Roseanne: Well, you better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell [6.18]

Labor Day [6.19]

D.J.: Did your water break when you had me?
Roseanne: By the time I had you, everything was broken.

Past Imperfect [6.20]

Fred: All right, how many people did you date before you met me?
Jackie: Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?
Fred: I mean seriously.
Jackie: Oh, I'd say only a few.
Fred: Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...
Jackie: Oh, well slept with! [chuckles] That's not what you asked me.
Fred: Well I guess not.
Jackie: Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.
Fred: Since you were what? Eighteen?
Jackie: [thinks] Okay, we'll go with that. [Fred looks discouraged] Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.
Fred: Wow... I don't even know 60 people...
Jackie: Well... I didn't know all of them.

Lies My Father Told Me [6.21]

I Pray the Lord My Stove to Keep [6.22]

D.J.: I just had some questions about God and stuff.
Roseanne: Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.
D.J.: OK...What religion are we?
Roseanne: I have no idea...Dan?
Dan: Well... my family was Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.
D.J.: So what do we believe?
Roseanne: Well...we believe in...being good. So basically, we're good people.
Dan: Yeah, but we're not practicing.

Body by Jake [6.23]

Fred: Bev, do yourself a favor. Don't get into this.
Bev: Fred, I have every right to get involved in this. Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.
Fred: If I ever become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now—the next time you break your pelvis having sex, you're not gonna stay at our house.
Dan: [as Bev gets away in horrific humiliation] If I understand this correctly, unless you had sex in the shower, none of this is my fault!
Fred: I guess I wasn't supposed to say that.
Dan: I...plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity, but first, a raucous laugh.

Isn't It Romantic? [6.24]

Roseanne: You're idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.

Altar Egos [6.25]

Season 7

Nine Is Enough [7.1]

Mark: God, everyone's so afraid of getting sick, nobody'll even come near me. I feel like a leper.

Roseanne: Dan doesn't let anybody live here unless they're sleeping with one of his daughters.

Two For One [7.2]

David: Y'know, if you sleep with him and you don't like it, I'll take you back.
Darlene: David, PLEASE don't say anything else nice to me. Y'know, this is hard for me, too.
David: Fine...I can't believe I wasted three years of my life with you, you coldhearted bitch! Did that make it easier? (slams door)

Snoop Davey Dave [7.3]

Roseanne: You know there are a lot of other ways to annoy me and your father. Look at Becky, she didn't do drugs, she married Mark.

Girl Talk [7.4]

Sleeper [7.5]

Skeleton in the Closet [7.6]

Roseanne: Dan, if you're still gay, I'd like a mimosa and some eggs florentine for breakfast.
Dan: I don't have to do what you tell me. I'm Fred's bitch now.

Jackie: You heard that guy! If Mom goes bald, we could go bald too...this is definitely Mom's hair, look at this.
(Jackie puts on the wig and puts her hands up in front of her body)
Jackie: (in Bev's voice) "Oh Roseanne! Roseanne, a woman your size should not wear horizontal stripes, you should wear black! Or stay at home! And I don't mean to alarm you but I think your D.J. might be retarded!"

Follow the Son [7.7]

Punch and Jimmy [7.8]

White Men Can't Kiss [7.9]

Roseanne: [to D.J] Hey! Black people are just like us. They're every bit as good as us and any people who don't think so is just a bunch of banjo-picking, cousin-dating, barefoot embarrassments to respectable white-trash like us!

Roseanne: You're doing that play and that's all there is to it.
D.J.: Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you.
Roseanne: Are you new?

Dan: You're gonna kiss a lot of girls in your life, and they're all gonna be different.
D.J.: Well, do you even think I should kiss Lila Matthews?
Dan: What's different about her?
D.J.: Well, Ralph says she uses her tongue.
Dan: I'd go for it.

Thanksgiving 1994 [7.10]

Maybe Baby [7.11]

The Parenting Trap [7.12]

Rear Window [7.13]

[Dan can't stop watching the elderly neighbors walking around their house naked]
Dan: It's like a train wreck... A train wreck full of naked people.
[on their new neighbors]
Jackie: My God, Roseanne, you want a cheap thrill, go rent a porno movie. At least those people want to be watched.
Roseanne: Yeah, but those people ain't, like, 112 years old!
Fred: That's no excuse. If anything, it makes it more wrong, more sad and more sick.
Jackie: [taking Roseanne aside] They're really old?
Roseanne: [guffaws] Oh yeah! I'm sure they'll never forget were they were the day *Lincoln* was shot.
Jackie: They're completely naked, all the time?
Roseanne: Sometimes he wears a hat.

My Name is Bev [7.14]

Bed and Bored [7.15]

Sisters [7.16]

Lost Youth [7.17]

Single Married Female [7.18]

All About Rosey [7.19]

Husbands and Wives [7.20]

Happy Trailers [7.21]

Trailer Park Resident: And don't you ever feed my dog!
Roseanne: If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!

The Blaming of the Shrew [7.22]

Jackie: [laughs after DJ's pushy girlfriend leaves] What was that?
Dan: I don't know. But the dark prince takes many forms.
Roseanne: I like her!

The Birds and the Frozen Bees [7.23]

Roseanne: [to Dan on why she doesn't want David to go out on a date with someone other than Darlene] Because I love our daughter and I love David. No new people!

Couch Potatoes [7.24]

Roseanne: We're white trash, and we'll stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.

Sherwood Schwartz--A Loving Tribute [7.25]

Season 8

Shower the People You Love with Stuff [8.1]

Roseanne: Where the hell have you been?
[talking to Becky now again played by Lecy Goranson]
Becky: Just getting this.
Roseanne: Took you long enough, seems like you've been gone for 3 years.


[Becky just comes in the lundery room]

Darlene:Where the hell have you`ve been?
Becky: (laughs) Why does everybody keep saying that?

Let Them Eat Junk [8.2]

Roseanne in the Hood [8.3]

David: (trying to rework the Lunch Box menu) Mrs. Conner, I know that you want to compete with that restaurant, but you can't have me keep drawing little red hearts next to the Chili Cheese Fries, and call it the "Lite And Healthy" menu!
Roseanne: You're right, David. So why not draw a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in!

Dan: [Roseanne is grilling Dan because she knows he went to the diner's competition for lunch] I ate those peanut butter cracker things all day from the vending machine at work. Really filling.
Roseanne: All day, huh? Say, what number would they be on the vending machine?
Dan: [pause] B3.
Roseanne: That's wrong, that's the Clark bar. Try again.
Dan: G6.
Roseanne: The O'Henry. Any idiot knows that.

Roseanne: It's amazing how you can have your head stuck in a vent and still not be the stupidest person in the room.

The Last Date [8.4]

Becky: Hey check it out! There's a bottle of peppermint schnapps with a card from Mom. (reading card) "Dear Leon, congratulations on 5 years of sobriety."

Darlene: So, what did you like better? Schnapps in coffee, schnapps on the cake, or schnapps over ice cream?
Becky: (drunk and confused) Ok.
Darlene: Man, you are schnapp faced. What the hell are you doing back there?
Becky: Just a little meat sculpture. (lifts platter with meat in the shape of Roseanne's head) Guess who this is. (imitating Roseanne) Darlene! Becky! My back's itchy right in the center!
Darlene: God, it's mom. It's Mom Tar-tar.
Becky: How long do you think it will take to cook Mom's head?
Darlene: 2 and a half hours at 350. I've thought about it a lot.

Halloween - The Final Chapter [8.5]

Kids: Trick or treat, trick or treat, give me something good to eat.
Mom [played by Sarah Chalke - aka Becky #2]: Hi, your house is so warm and cozy! I love it! [looks at the treats in the kids' bags] Thank you so much, you are nice nice nice!
Mark: Hey, this is like deja vu all over again.
Mom: Buh-bye!
Kids: Bye! Happy Halloween!
Roseanne: Bye! [closes the door] Gee, I wish we had a daughter that sweet.
Dan: Just wasn't in the cards, honey.

The Fifties Show [8.6]

The Getaway, Almost [8.7]

[discussing bad songs from the 70's with Jackie]
Roseanne: Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.

The Last Thursday in November [8.8]

DJ: (as an Indian on the First Thanksgiving) Welcome brothers. Share in our bountiful feast.
First Pilgrim Boy: Looks like there is not enough seats at the table.
DJ: Then we shall make more benches.
Second Pilgrim Boy: Nah, let's make some dead Indians!

Irate Mother: People came here for the freedom. (Looks at Anne Marie, who is black)
Anne Marie: Excuse me?

Of Mice and Dan [8.9]

Direct to Video [8.10]

December Bride [8.11]

Scott: Mind if I have a look at that guy's check? [Takes check and starts dialing the phone] You really shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior. You know, when I was waiting tables in college, I could tell you stories that'd curl...[into phone] Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come N' Go Motel over in Elgin. When you and your husband were in here last time, unfortunately you left some of your private garments behind. You weren't? Well, aren't you a busty 20-year-old blonde? Whoops, my mistake.
Roseanne: Wow, he stiffs me for a tip and you destroy his marriage! That's awesome. Hey, I got more checks, let's do more.

Scott: We were supposed to get married five years ago, but I was left at the altar.
Roseanne: What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?
(enter Leon)
Leon: Scott!
Scott: Hi, Honey!

Leon: Roseanne, what is all this?
Roseanne: It's a gay wedding!
Leon: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!

Leon's Mother: Oh Roseanne. Leon has told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.
Roseanne: How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.

Roseanne: [to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.

Leon: What if I'm not even gay?
Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.
Leon: Think about it--I hate to shop, I'm positively insensitive, I detest Barbra Streisand, and, for God's sake, I'm a Republican!
Roseanne: But do you like having sex with men?
Leon: Well...
Roseanne: GAY!!!!!!!!!
Leon: Oh, yeah? (He plants a huge kiss on her) Okay... I'm gay, let's go.

The Thrilla Near the Vanilla Extract [8.12]

White Sheep of the Family [8.13]

Becky: Wow, look at all this stuff! I don't know where to start.
Roseanne: Well, I'll simplify it for you. Crackers are the appetizers we had in the car and, well, pasta, that's spaghetti and I would not pay $12.95 for a plate of spaghetti if they had Mr. Chef Boyardee hisself in the kitchen there.

Becky Howser, M.D. [8.14]

Becky: Look, Mom, I found some really great colleges and..
Roseanne: But..
Becky: What's the but?
Roseanne: Mark is the but, I must go on about my point.

Out of the Past [8.15]

Construction Junction [8.16]

Computer: Welcome. You've got mail.
Jackie: Hello?

We're Going to Disney World [8.17]

Becky: Did I hear right? Are we going on vacation?
Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky--played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, and then by Lecy Goranson--will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography is prohibited.
Becky: Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!
Roseanne: Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?

Disney World War II [8.18]

Springtime for David [8.19]

David: (being deprogrammed under a light) No, Mrs. Conner. I want to go back to Edelweiss Gardens so I can help people have fun again!
Roseanne: (a little angry) All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy--you frown, you're introspective, and you mope.
David: I'm Not Listening. I'm Not Listening.
Roseanne: Listen to me David. We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise.
David: Oh No, No, No, No!
Roseanne: Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that David? 'Cause I am an EXPERT on what is mediocre.
(David pants with anger)
Roseanne: That's good! You hate me now, don't you David?! Your feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?
David: No! No, no I don't! (back to smiling) Your a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!
Roseanne: (slaps him) LIAR! Break damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! RABBITS AND GEESE AND GOATS ARE NOT PEOPLE!! THEY DON'T SING AND DANCE!! THEY'RE FOOD!!!!!!!!!
David: (broken) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Roseanne: There...There.... Welcome home, son.

Another Mouth to Shut Up [8.20]

David: (on moving to Chicago) There is so much to think about. Should we each buy our own food? Should we split the utilities? Should we have separate phone lines?
Darlene: You know, erm... or we could just get married.
David: Yeah right! To who?
Darlene: No, I mean, come on, there's a lot of advantages to being married, right?
David: Oh, I get it. You mean so we can get all the gifts and money from our friends.
Darlene: Our friends? The only thing we'd get from them is beer and mono. David...
David: You're serious about this aren't you?
Darlene: Yeah, I am.
David: Oh my God! (They kiss) Wait a minute! Haha, okay, Now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?
Darlene: Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.

[about Darlene's pregnancy]
David: How? When?
Darlene: When? Disney World!
David: You mean... that night after the fireworks?
Darlene: Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.

Roseanne: Let's see, David is pale and kind of weak-kneed and all nervous, so no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me, and she said something nice to her brother. Ooh, I wonder. I know--you're pregnant!
(everybody laughs, except David and Darlene)
Roseanne: (yelling) That was my joke guess!

(There is a small pause, as Roseanne stares at them)

David: We're also getting married.

(A silence as they all took it in)

Roseanne: (Turns to Dan) Well this is just great. I can get one of those T-shirts that say 'World's Greatest Grandma' on it. And you can get yourself, um, I don`t know, a cane or something.

Roseanne: Not only are we going to have a grandchild roughly around the age of our own child, but our daughter is marrying the boy we considered to be our son. I think that makes us ...officially... THE white-trashiest people in ALL the land!
Dan: Yee-haw!

Morning Becomes Obnoxious [8.21]

Ballroom Blitz [8.22]

Roseanne: Hey! I am not divorced, single, desperate or lonely. What the hell do I need to exercise for?

Bev: There she is! You shameless hussy, you stole my man!

Leon: Stole you're mother's boyfriend, huh? Been there.

Dan: Oh, did I say best man? I meant main man.

The Wedding [8.23]

Becky: So, how many times have you been married, Nana Mary?
Nana Mary: I'm not sure. Uh...counting the cruises I've been on.

Nancy: That is so weird that he said that, because I was abducted by aliens in woods just like these one time. For a month afterward, I could play World Champion Caliber Chess. And then it just went away.

Heart and Soul [8.24]

Fights and Stuff [8.25]

Roseanne: I want you to pick them all up, using you're ass, and start with the pointy things!
Dan: You are a controlling bitch! (flips coffee table over)
Roseanne: No I'm not, Dan, I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of you're ass and and stop staring at the damn TV. (breaks television screen with Godzilla figure)
Dan: Boy, I tell ya, I wished I had never mar--.
Roseanne: What? Say it. Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan, but you're gonna have to do it alone, because I'm not going to sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's.

Season 9

Call Waiting [9.1]

Millions from Heaven [9.2]

Jackie: Roseanne! Roseanne! Where are you? I've got to tell you something!
Roseanne: (rushing out to the living room in her bra) What? Where's my baby? What?
Jackie: We won the lottery! This is the winning lottery ticket, I've got it right here! Remember, you told me to watch it on TV!
Roseanne: What are you talking about?
Jackie: We won the lottery, I can't believe it!
Roseanne: What lottery?
Jackie: The lottery! The Illinois State Lottery, it's the biggest one in the history of Illinois! It's 108 million dollars!
Roseanne: You mean, you mean--
Jackie: We're the people that picked the six winning numbers.
Roseanne: Oh my God, so you're telling me -- (pauses while Jackie seems to be gasping for air) -- you're telling me -- (pauses again as she seems to be trying to grasp the subject) -- you're telling me that we won the Illinois State Lottery for 108 million dollars; is that what you're telling me? Is that what you're telling me??
Jackie: Let's tell Dan!
Roseanne: NO! Dan has just had a heart attack and this kind of thing could kill him!
Dan: What's going on?
Roseanne: Don't panic!!
Dan: Why, what's wrong?
Roseanne: Nothing, nothing is wrong.
Jackie: Nothing is wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.
Roseanne: Dan, Dan, I have something to tell you, but before I tell you, you have to promise me that you are not going to collapse or turn blue or anything like that.
Dan: Scout's honor.
Roseanne: WE WON THE LOTTERY!!!
Dan: OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD, WE WON THE LOTTERY!! OH MY GOD!!
(DJ comes down the stairs as Roseanne is riding piggy back on Dan's back, both of them with Jackie screaming raucously.)
Roseanne: (talking to DJ) Hey, hey. Go get my shirt.

What a Day for a Daydream [9.3]

Honor Thy Mother [9.4]

Someday My Prince Will Come [9.5]

Pampered to a Pulp [9.6]

Roseanne: Well, I'll snap your spine in a half like a potato chip, ya bitch.

Satan, Darling [9.7]

Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti [9.8]

Roseambo [9.9]

Home is Where the Afghan Is [9.10]

Mothers and Other Strangers [9.11]

Home for the Holidays [9.12]

Say It Aint's So [9.13]

Hit the Road, Jack [9.14]

The War Room [9.15]

Lanford's Elite [9.16]

Some Enchanted Merger [9.17]

A Second Chance [9.18]

The Miracle [9.19]

Roseanne: (to Harris) I owe you an apology. I've been trying to fix your body. We're not bodies with souls. We're souls with bodies.

Roseanne-Feld [9.20]

The Truth Be Told [9.21]

Arsenic and Old Mom [9.22]

Into That Good Night: Part 1 [9.23]

Into That Good Night: Part 2 [9.24]

(final lines of the series, also known as Roseanne's Monologue)

Everyone wonders where creative people get their inspiration. Actually, I’ve found it’s all around you. Take Leon for instance...

Leon: (imitates police siren) Manners police. I'm sorry, Dan, no whittling at the dining room table.

Leon is not really as cool as I made him. He’s the only gay guy I know who belongs to the Elk’s Club.

Leon: (talking to Scott) You know, as far as I'm concerned, George Bush was the best president we ever had. I mean, look at all the fat he cut out of Medicare.
Scott: You know, in China, they believe in reincarnation, so they have a HELL of a time with their probate law!

Then there’s Scott. He really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago and introduced to Leon. I guess I didn’t get too creative there.

Dan: Hey DJ, quit bogarting the moo goo gai pan.
DJ: Yeah, well, Darlene took all the pot stickers.
Darlene: ...and, now that you're distracted, I took the moo goo gai pan.
Dan: Confucius say, you snooze, you lose. Oh, thinning son.

A lot of kids have called my son a nerd, but as I told him, they called Steven Spielberg a nerd too. A lot of times, nerds are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drum.

(DJ plays with chopsticks as if they were drumsticks and throws both behind his shoulder)
Bev: Roseanne, will you keep your children in line? I didn't raise my children to throw chopsticks.

My mom came from a generation where women were supposed to be submissive about everything. I never bought into that, and I wish Mom hadn’t either. I wish she had made different choices...so I think that’s why I made her gay: I wanted her to have some sense of herself as a woman.

Bev: (talking to Leon) You may think I'm crazy, but it is the women's movement that has destroyed the family unit.

Oh yeah, and she’s nuts.

Mark: (talking to David) Hey man, check out my fortune here: True love lies where you least expect it.
Becky: It better not.
David: Mark, I think I got yours: Deep thoughts run shallow.
Jackie: There's lucky numbers on the back. Let's play the lottery.
Roseanne: No thanks, I can't get rid of all this money now.

My sister, in real life, unlike my mother, is gay. She always told me she was gay, but for some reason, I always pictured her with a man. She’s been my rock, and I would not have made it this far without her.

I guess Nancy’s kind of my hero too...

Nancy: ...the women's shelter needs furniture, so if there's anything you don't want, let me know and I'll have it picked up.

...'cause she got out of a terrible marriage and found a great spiritual strength. I don’t know what happened to that husband of hers, but in my book I sent him into outer space.

When Becky brought David home a few years ago, I thought "This is wrong"; he was much more Darlene’s type.

David: (to Becky) Do you wanna go to this poetry reading before the museum?
Becky: Yeah, before, I wanna pick up some books first.
David: OK.

When Darlene met Mark, I thought he went better with Becky.

Mark: (to Darlene) Get me a beer.
Darlene: Get it yourself, slob.

I guess I was wrong, but I still think they’d be more compatible the other way around, so in my writing, I did what any good mother would do: I fixed it.

(camera pans over to Dan's chair; it is now empty)

I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack. He’s still the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I miss him.

(background fades to black as Roseanne looks around. Dan's voice can be heard calling her name in the distance. Soon, we see Roseanne in a blue sweatshirt, sitting in the basement at the writer's desk the children got her back in Season 2.)

Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility as parents to improve the lives of our children by 50% over our own, and we did. We didn’t hit our children as we were hit, we didn’t demand their unquestioning silence, and we didn’t teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons.

As a modern wife, I walked a tight rope between tradition and progress, and usually, I failed by one outsider’s standards or another's [sic]. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the ones who transform everything we touch -- and nothing on earth is higher than that.

My writing’s really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean, at first I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another woman. When you’re a blue-collar woman and your husband dies, it takes away your whole sense of security. So I began writing about having all the money in the world and I imagined myself going to spas and swanky New York parties just like the people on TV, where nobody has any real problems and everything’s solved within 30 minutes. I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Jeannie, That Girl. But I was so angry, I was more like a female Steven Seagal, wanting to fight the whole world. For a while, I lost myself in food and a depression so deep that I couldn’t even get out of bed, til I saw that my family needed me to pull through so that they could pull through. One day, I actually imagined being with another man, but then I felt so guilty, I had to pretend it was for some altruistic reason.

And then Darlene had the baby and it almost died. I snapped out of the mourning immediately, and all of my life energy turned into choosing life. In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn’t just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn’t like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story, even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don’t work without action. I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate.

And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame.

I think I’ll be a lot better now that this book is done.

(as Roseanne gets up and exits the basement, we hear snippets of the kids presenting her with the gifts)
DJ: Happy birthday, Mom. Here, pencils.
Darlene: Yeah, and I got you some notepads.
Becky: And I got you a dictionary and a thesaurus.
Dan: You know, Stephen King got started this way.

(Roseanne exits the basement and heads to the living room, as we see it was never renovated. As she walks to the couch and sits, Phoebe Snow sings the theme song acapella.)

If what doesn't kill us is making us stronger
We're gonna last longer
Than the greatest wall in China
Or that rabbit with a drum
If there's one thing that I've learned
While waiting for my turn
It's that in each life, some rain falls
But you also get some sun
We'll make out better than okay
Hear what I say
Yeah, any day.

Cast

Wikipedia
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Wiktionary

Up to date as of January 15, 2010

Definition from Wiktionary, a free dictionary

English

Proper noun

Roseanne

  1. A female given name, a spelling variant of Rosanne.







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