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Seinfeld logo.svg
Format Sitcom
Created by Larry David
Jerry Seinfeld
Directed by Art Wolff
Tom Cherones
Andy Ackerman
Jason Alexander
David Steinberg
Starring Jerry Seinfeld
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Michael Richards
Jason Alexander
Country of origin United States
No. of seasons 9
No. of episodes 180 (including two-part episodes and clip shows) (List of episodes)
Executive producer(s)
Larry David (Seasons 1–7)
Ben A. Scott
Howard West
George Shapiro
Andrew Scheinman
Jerry Seinfeld (Seasons 8–9)
Location(s) New York City
Camera setup 35mm film Multiple-camera setup (Edited onto Videotape in post-production)
Running time 21 minutes (syndication)
22 minutes (original)
Production company(s) Castle Rock Entertainment
Distributor Columbia Pictures Television (1989–1998)
Columbia TriStar Television (1999–2002)
Sony Pictures Television (Since 2002)
Original channel NBC
Picture format 4:3 (Original SD run and DVD HD Version), 16:9 (HD Re-release for Syndication)
Original run July 5, 1989 (1989-07-05) – May 14, 1998 (1998-05-14)
Status Finished
Followed by Curb Your Enthusiasm (Season 7)
External links
Official website

Seinfeld is an American television sitcom that originally aired on NBC from July 5, 1989, to May 14, 1998, lasting nine seasons, and is now in syndication. The eponymous series was created by Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, with the latter starring as a fictionalized version of himself. Set predominantly in an apartment block on Manhattan's Upper West Side (but shot mainly in Los Angeles), the show features a host of Jerry's friends and acquaintances, including George Costanza, Elaine Benes and Cosmo Kramer. Seinfeld was produced by Castle Rock Entertainment and distributed in association with Columbia Pictures Television and Columbia TriStar Television; Sony Pictures Television has distributed the series since 2002. It was largely co-written by David and Seinfeld with input from numerous script writers, including Larry Charles, Peter Mehlman, Gregg Kavet, Andy Robin, Carol Leifer, David Mandel, Jeff Schaffer, Steve Koren, Jennifer Crittenden, Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Charlie Rubin, Alec Berg, and Spike Feresten.

A critical favorite, commercial blockbuster and cultural phenomenon, the show led the Nielsen ratings in its sixth and ninth seasons and finished among the top two (along with NBC's ER) every year from 1994 to 1998.[1] In 2002, TV Guide named Seinfeld as the greatest television program of all time.[2] In 2008, Entertainment Weekly ranked Seinfeld as the third best show of the last 25 years, behind The Sopranos and The Simpsons.



Seinfeld stood out from the many family and group sitcoms of its time. None of the principal Seinfeld characters were related by blood or type but remained close friends throughout the seasons. The episodes of most sitcoms like Family Ties, Who's the Boss? and Full House revolve around a central theme or contrived comic situations, whereas many episodes of Seinfeld focused on minutiae, such as waiting in line at the movies, going out for dinner, buying a suit and, basically, dealing with the petty injustices of life. The view presented in Seinfeld is arguably consistent with the philosophy of nihilism, the idea that life is pointless.[3]

Tom's Restaurant, a diner at 112th St. and Broadway in Manhattan, was used as the exterior image of Monk's Cafe in the show.

The show's main characters and many secondary characters were modeled after Seinfeld's and David's real-life acquaintances. Other recurring characters were based on well-known, real-life counterparts such as Jacopo Peterman of the J. Peterman catalogue (nominally based on John Peterman), and George Steinbrenner, the owner of the New York Yankees.

With every Seinfeld episode, the structure is mainly the way the principal characters' storyline is set. A story thread is presented at the beginning of each episode, which involves the characters in separate and seemingly unrelated situations. Rapid scene-shifts between story lines bring the stories together toward the end of the episode. Despite the separate plot strands, the narratives reveal the creators' "consistent efforts to maintain the intimacy" between the small cast of characters.[4]

The show kept a strong sense of continuity—characters and plots from past episodes were frequently referenced or expanded upon. Occasionally, story arcs would span multiple episodes and even entire seasons. For example, Jerry's girlfriend appears in "The Stake Out" and he ends the relationship when things do not work out in "The Stock Tip". Other examples were Kramer getting his jacket back and Elaine heading the "Peterman catalog". Larry David, the show's head writer and executive producer for the first seven seasons, was praised for keeping a close eye on minor details and making sure the main characters' lives remained consistent and believable. Curb Your Enthusiasm would further expand on this idea by following a certain theme for each season in the series.

The show stood apart from other group sitcoms of the time, in that the principal characters would never learn their moral lessons throughout the seasons. In effect, they were indifferent to the outside world and can be callous towards their guest characters and relatives, indeed sometimes to each other; a mantra of the show's producers was: "No hugging, no learning."[5] There were also very few happy endings, except when they came at somebody else's expense. More often, situations resolved with characters getting a justly deserved "comeuppance."

Main characters

  • Jerry Seinfeld (Jerry Seinfeld)—Jerry is the show's central character. He is a stand-up comedian who is often portrayed as "the voice of reason" amidst all the insanity generated by the people in his world. The character is a slight germophobe and a neat freak, as well as an avid Superman and breakfast cereal fan. Jerry's apartment is the center of a world visited by his eccentric friends George, Elaine, and Kramer.[6] Plot lines often involve Jerry's romantic relationships. He typically finds small, silly reasons to stop dating women; in one episode, he breaks up with a woman because she eats her peas one at a time; in another, it is because, although a beautiful model, she has overly-large "man hands."
  • George Costanza (Jason Alexander)—George is Jerry's best friend. He is cheap, dishonest, petty and often envious of others' achievements. He is often portrayed as a loser who is insecure about his capabilities. He frequently complains and lies about his profession, relationships, and almost everything else, which usually creates trouble for him later. He often uses an alias ("Art Vandelay") when lying or concocting a cover story. George was once succinctly described by Elaine as a "short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man." Despite these shortcomings, George managed to date numerous women and achieved a successful career as Assistant to the Traveling Secretary for the New York Yankees. He fantasizes and occasionally pretends to be an architect and once pretended to be a marine biologist.
  • Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus)—Elaine is Jerry's ex-girlfriend. She is intelligent and assertive, but superficial. She sometimes has a tendency to be very honest with people, which often gets her into trouble.[7] She often gets caught up in her boyfriends' habits, her eccentric employers' unusual demands, and the unkindness of total strangers. A recurring theme for Elaine is her frustrating inability to find Mr. Right; she also goes through an on/off relationship with David Puddy throughout Seasons 6 and 9. One of Elaine's trademark moves is her forceful shove while screaming "get out" when she receives good or shocking news. Another is her memorable "little kicks". She is the only woman who is able to get along as one of the boys.
  • Cosmo Kramer (Michael Richards)—Kramer is Jerry's "wacky neighbor". His trademarks include his humorous upright pompadour hairstyle, vintage clothing and his energetic sliding bursts through Jerry's apartment door. At times, he acts naive, dense, and almost child-like, yet randomly shows astonishing insight into human behavior. Indeed, his oddities aside, Kramer is often the only main character acting with any sort of apparent conscience, and is typically the only one to lobby for maintaining social decorum in order to appease acquaintances. Although he never holds a steady job, he often invents wacky schemes which usually work at first but eventually fail in the end. Among these are coffee table books about coffee tables (for which he appeared on Live with Regis and Kathie Lee), and a brassiere for men called the "Bro" (or Manssiere suggested by Frank Costanza).[8]

Secondary characters

There are numerous recurring minor characters in Seinfeld. The most prominent are:

  • Newman (portrayed by Wayne Knight)—An overweight and despicable, though curiously well-educated, postal worker. He is known as Kramer's accomplice and Jerry's nemesis and is a neighbor of both (Apartment 5E). He usually goes out of his way to make Jerry's life miserable. He also loves eating and being obnoxious in Jerry's apartment. He is the most frequently recurring character, from his first appearance in the show's third season through to the last episode.
  • Morty Seinfeld (originally portrayed by Phil Bruns, replaced by Barney Martin) and Helen Seinfeld (portrayed by Liz Sheridan)—They are Jerry's parents, who live in Florida. Morty is a retired raincoat salesman, the inventor of a beltless trenchcoat and famous for obstinately sticking to his convictions; Helen cannot understand why anyone would not like her son. They always feel that Jerry is not making enough money and try to help him out financially by sending him "fifty dollars." These two characters are based on Jerry Seinfeld's real-life parents.
  • Frank Costanza (originally portrayed by John Randolph, replaced by Jerry Stiller) and Estelle Costanza (portrayed by Estelle Harris)—They are George's eccentric parents. George usually blames them for his current mental state and failure to succeed in life. They are known for their violent tempers, often leading to yelling and constant verbal fights. They make many appearances from season 4 to 9. John Randolph's scenes as Frank Costanza in the episode The Handicap Spot were reshot for syndication with Jerry Stiller in the role.
  • Susan Ross (played by Heidi Swedberg)—George's fiancée and a former NBC executive. She first appeared in season 4 as an NBC executive overseeing Jerry and George's pilot. She and George dated for a while until she broke up with him because he got her fired. She returned in season 7 when she and George got engaged. In the last episode of this season, she dies as a result of licking toxic envelopes while making invitations to her and George's wedding. She is the most frequent recurring female character in seasons 4 and 7 and has a brief appearance again in a flashback sequence in the season 9 episode titled "The Betrayal."
  • George Steinbrenner (voiced by Larry David, portrayed by Lee Bear, who is only seen from behind)—He is George's boss and owner of the New York Yankees. Steinbrenner's face is never shown on the show. He is parodied for his arrogance and lack of touch with the realities of running of a baseball team. A recurring gag is for him to call George into his office, then proceed to ramble on about inane topics as George slowly walks out the door. In "The Invitations," the real George Steinbrenner makes a cameo appearance and goes out with Elaine. The scenes were cut due to time constraints and are available on the season 7 DVD. He frequently appears from the finale of season 5 to 9.
  • Jacopo Peterman (played by John O'Hurley)—He is one of Elaine's eccentric bosses. Peterman owns The J. Peterman Company and Elaine works on the catalog published by the company. Using the florid style of a treasure hunting adventurer, he typically announces his journeys to exotic locations in search of unique clothing. In the beginning of Season 8, he walks out on the company and escapes to Burma, appointing Elaine as the President of the company. He eventually returns later in the same season. He is frequently seen making an appearance from the finale of season 6 to season 9.
  • David Puddy (portrayed by Patrick Warburton)—Puddy is Elaine's on-again, off-again boyfriend. He is a competent auto mechanic, but also an airhead with numerous quirks, most notably his squinting, staring, and insatiable appetite for high fives. He is known for his short, unapologetic delivery and unflinching assuredness. His trademark catch phrase is "Yeah, that's right." He is seen in seasons 6 and 9.
  • Jackie Chiles (portrayed by Phil Morris)—Jackie is Kramer's lawyer. He has a secretary named Suzy and sets up appointments for his clients with an unseen "Dr. Bison." He also speaks with a rapid-fire delivery and tends to overuse grandiose adjectives like 'preposterous' and 'outrageous'. Chiles is a caricature of Johnnie Cochran. He is seen occasionally in seasons 7 to 9.

Notable guest appearances

See List of Seinfeld minor characters for a complete list of celebrities who played themselves and other guest stars in minor roles.

Besides its regularly recurring characters, Seinfeld featured numerous celebrities who appeared as themselves or as girlfriends, boyfriends, bosses and other acquaintances. Many of those who made guest appearances would become household names later in their careers, or were comedians and actors who were well-known for previous work.



Seinfeld violated several conventions of mainstream television. The show, often described as about "nothing,"[9][10][11] became the first television series since Monty Python's Flying Circus to be widely described as postmodern.[12] Several elements of Seinfeld fit in with a postmodern interpretation. The show is typically driven by humor interspersed with superficial conflict and characters with strange dispositions. Many episodes revolved around the characters becoming involved in the lives of others to typically disastrous results. However, regardless of the damage they caused, they never gained anything from the experience and continued to be selfish, egocentric people. On the set, the notion that the characters should not develop or improve throughout the series was expressed as the "no hugging, no learning" rule. Unlike most sitcoms, there are no moments of pathos; the audience is never made to feel sorry for any of the characters. Even Susan's death in the series elicits no genuine emotions from anyone in the show.

The characters were "thirty-something singles with no roots, vague identities, and conscious indifference to morals."[13] Usual conventions, such as isolating the characters from the actors playing them and separating the characters' world from that of the actors and audience, were broken. One such example is the story arc in which the characters promote a television sitcom series named Jerry. The show within the show, titled Jerry was much like Seinfeld, in which Seinfeld played himself, and that the show was "about nothing." Jerry was launched in the Season 4 finale, but unlike Seinfeld, it was not picked up as a series.


Many Seinfeld episodes are based on its writers' real life experiences. For example, "The Revenge" is based on Larry David's experience at Saturday Night Live.[14] "The Contest" and "The Phone Message" are also based on David's experiences.[15] "The Smelly Car" is based on Peter Mehlman's lawyer friend, who couldn't get a bad smell out of his car. "The Strike" is based on Dan O'Keefe's dad, who made up his own holiday—Festivus.[16] Other stories take on a variety of different turns. "The Chinese Restaurant" consists of the main characters simply waiting for a table throughout the entire episode. "The Boyfriend," revolving around Keith Hernandez, extends through two episodes.[17] "The Betrayal" is famous for using reverse chronology.[18] Some stories were inspired by headlines and rumors, which are explained in the DVD features "Notes About Nothing," "Inside Look," and "Audio Commentary." In "The Maestro," Kramer's lawsuit is roughly similar to the McDonald's coffee case.[19] "The Outing" is based mainly on rumors that Larry Charles hears about Jerry Seinfeld's sexuality.[20]


Many terms coined, popularized, or repopularized during the series' run have become part of popular culture.[21][22] Notable catchphrases include "Yada yada yada", "shrinkage", "These pretzels are makin' me thirsty", "master of your domain", "Anti dentite", "Double dip", "No soup for you!", and "Not that there's anything wrong with that".

Other popular terms that also made the transition into slang were directed at secondary characters, including such descriptives as "sponge worthy", "re-gifter," "man hands," "close-talker," "mimbo," "low-talker" and "high-talker."

As a body, the lexicon of Seinfeldian code words and recurring phrases that evolved around particular episodes is referred to as Seinlanguage, the title of Jerry Seinfeld's best-selling book on humor.[12]


Seasons 1 to 3

The show premiered as The Seinfeld Chronicles on July 5, 1989. After it aired, a pickup by NBC did not seem likely and the show was actually offered to Fox, which declined to pick it up. However, Rick Ludwin, head of late night and special events for NBC, diverted money from his budget, and the next four episodes were filmed.[23] These episodes were highly rated as they followed Cheers on Thursdays at 9:30 p.m., and the series was finally picked up. At one point, NBC considered airing these episodes on Saturdays at 10:30PM, but instead gave that slot to a short-lived sitcom, FM. The series was renamed Seinfeld after the failure of short-lived 1989 ABC series The Marshall Chronicles.[24] For the first three seasons, Jerry's stand-up act would bookend an episode, for a while even functioning as cut scenes during the show. After airing in the summer of 1990, the series' second season was bumped off its scheduled premiere of January 21, 1991 due to the start of the Persian Gulf war. It settled in a regular time slot on Wednesdays at 9:30PM and eventually flipped with veteran series Night Court to 9:00PM.[25]

Seinfeld was championed by television critics in its early seasons, even as it was yet to cultivate a substantial audience. Early episodes such as "The Chinese Restaurant," "The Pony Remark," "The Parking Garage," and "The Subway," tended to be more realistic than the later ones, and dealt with the minutiae of daily life, such as getting stuck on the subway or waiting to be seated at a Chinese restaurant. An episode in Season 2, titled "The Bet" written by Larry Charles, showed Elaine buying a gun from Kramer's friend. This episode was, however, not filmed because the content was deemed unacceptable and was hastily replaced by the episode "The Phone Message."[26]

Seasons 4 to 5

Season 4 marked the sitcom's entry into the Nielsen ratings Top 30, coinciding with several popular episodes, such as "The Bubble Boy," "The Outing," "The Airport," and "The Junior Mint." This was the first season to use a story arc, in which Jerry and George try to create their own sitcom, Jerry. Also at this time, Jerry's standup slowly declined with the middle standup no longer part of the episodes that preceded it.

Much publicity followed the controversial episode, "The Contest," an Emmy Award-winning episode written by co-creator Larry David, whose subject matter was considered inappropriate for primetime network television. To circumvent this taboo, the word "masturbation" was never used in the script itself, instead substituted by a variety of oblique references. Midway through that season Seinfeld was moved from its original 9 p.m. time slot on Wednesdays to 9:30 p.m. on Thursdays, following Cheers again, which gave the show even more popularity. NBC moved the series after Ted Danson had announced the end of Cheers and Seinfeld quickly surpassed the ratings of the 9:00 p.m. Cheers reruns that spring.[27] The show won an Emmy Award for Outstanding Comedy Series in 1993, beating out its family-oriented competitor Home Improvement, which at the time was a big hit for NBC's rival ABC.

Season 5 was also a ratings-hit as it consisted of many popular episodes such as "The Mango," "The Puffy Shirt," "The Lip Reader" with Marlee Matlin in the title role, "The Marine Biologist," "The Hamptons," and "The Opposite." Another story arc has George returning to live with his parents. In the midst of the story arc, Kramer creates and promotes his coffee table book. The show was again nominated for Outstanding Comedy Series, but lost to the Cheers spin-off Frasier, which was only in its first season. Seinfeld was nominated for the same award every year for the rest of its run but would keep losing to Frasier.

Seasons 6 to 7

With Season 6, Andy Ackerman replaced Tom Cherones as the director of the show. The series remained well-regarded and produced some of its most famous episodes, such as "The Fusilli Jerry," "The Chinese Woman," "The Jimmy," "The Face Painter," and "The Switch," when Kramer's mother revealed that his first name is Cosmo. Story arcs used in this season were Elaine working as a personal assistant to her eccentric boss Justin Pitt as well as George's parents' temporary separation. This was also the first season in which Seinfeld reached Number 1 in the Nielsen Ratings. Jerry's standup further declines with the end standup no longer in use as the storylines for all four get more dense.

In Season 7, a story arc involved George getting engaged to his former girlfriend, Susan Ross, whose last appearance was in Season 4. He spends most of the season regretting the engagement and trying to get out of it. Garnering its highest ratings yet, Seinfeld went on to produce some of its most famous episodes—namely "The Soup Nazi," "The Secret Code," "The Maestro," and "The Rye" among others.

Following the anthrax scare of 2001, the episode, "The Invitations" was temporarily not shown in syndication due to the concern that it might seem objectionable and insensitive to portray Susan's death due to licking toxic envelopes.[28]

Seasons 8 to 9

The show's ratings were still going very strong in its final two seasons (8 and 9), but its critical standing suffered.[29] Larry David left at the end of Season 7 (although he would continue to voice Steinbrenner), so Seinfeld assumed David's duties as showrunner, and, under the direction of a new writing staff, Seinfeld became more of a fast-paced show. The show no longer contained extracts of Jerry performing stand up, and storylines occasionally delved into fantasy, an example being "The Bizarro Jerry," when Elaine is torn between exact opposites of her friends or when Jerry dates a woman who has the now-famed "man hands." Some notable episodes from season 8 include "The Little Kicks" showing Elaine's horrible dancing, "The Yada Yada," "The Chicken Roaster," and "The Comeback." A story arc in this season involves Peterman's trip to Burma and Elaine writing Peterman's biography which leads to Kramer's parody of Kenny Kramer's Reality Tour seen in "The Muffin Tops."

Season 9 included episodes such as "The Merv Griffin Show," "The Butter Shave," "The Betrayal" (scenes shown in reverse order chronologically), and "The Frogger" with a memorable moment with George pushing the "Frogger" machine across the street. The last season included a story arc in which Elaine has an on/off relationship with David Puddy. Despite being offered to return for a tenth season, Seinfeld decided to end the show after its ninth season.

A major controversy caused in this final season was the accidental burning of a Puerto Rican flag by Kramer in "The Puerto Rican Day." This scene caused a furor in the Puerto Rican community, and as a result NBC showed this episode only once.[30]

Series finale

After nine years on the air, NBC and Jerry Seinfeld announced on December 25, 1997, that the series would end production the following spring in 1998. The announcement made the front page of all the major New York newspapers, including the New York Times. Jerry Seinfeld was even featured on the cover of Time magazine's first issue of 1998.[31]

The series ended with a 75-minute episode (cut down to 60 minutes in syndication, in two parts) written by co-creator and former executive producer Larry David, which aired on May 14, 1998. Before the finale, a 45-minute retrospective clip show, "The Chronicle," was aired. However, in syndication, it was expanded to 60 minutes.

It was also the first episode since the finale of Season 7, "The Invitations," to feature opening and closing stand-up comedy acts by Jerry Seinfeld. The finale was filmed in front of an audience of NBC executives and additional friends of the show. The press and the public were shut out of the shoot for the sake of keeping its plot secret, and all those who attended the shoot of the final episode signed written "vows of silence."[32] The secrecy only seemed to increase speculation on how the series would end. Various accounts suggested that Jerry and Elaine get married while more cynical fans favored Julia Louis-Dreyfus' suggestion that the foursome die in a car accident. The producers of the show tweaked the media about the hype, spreading a false rumor about Newman ending up in the hospital and Jerry and Elaine sitting in a chapel, presumably to marry.[33]

The episode enjoyed a huge audience, estimated at 76 million viewers (58 percent of all viewers that night) making it the third most watched finale in television history, behind M*A*S*H and Cheers. However, the finale received mixed reviews from both critics and fans of the show. The actual finale poked fun at the many rumors that were circulating, seeming to move into several supposed plots before settling on its true storyline—a lengthy trial in which Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer are prosecuted for violating a "Good Samaritan law" and are sentenced to jail. The last conversation in this final episode repeats the very first conversation from the pilot episode, discussing the positioning of a button on George's shirt. In the finale, the characters vaguely recall having the conversation before.

According to Forbes magazine, Jerry Seinfeld's annual earning from the show in 2004 was $267 million.[34] He was reportedly offered $5 million per episode to continue the show into its tenth season but he refused.[1] As of July 2007, he is still the second highest earner in the television industry, earning $60 million a year.[35] The show itself became the first television series to command more than $1 million a minute for advertising–a mark previously attained only by the Super Bowl.[36]


The show currently airs on TBS weekdays at 7:00 and 7:30 pm Eastern. Seinfeld also airs on many local stations, and abroad.

Awards and nominations

Seinfeld has received awards and nominations in various categories throughout the mid-90s. It was awarded the Emmy for "Outstanding Comedy series" in 1993, Golden Globe Award for "Best TV-Series (Comedy)" in 1994 and Screen Actors Guild Award for "Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series" in 1995, 1997 and 1998.[37][38][39][40] Apart from these, the show was also nominated for an Emmy award from 1992 to 1998 for "Outstanding Comedy series," Golden Globe award from 1994 to 1998 for "Best TV-Series (Comedy)," and Screen Actors Guild Award for "Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series" from 1995 to 1998.[41]

Ratings history

Season Ranking Viewership
Four (1992–93) 25 12,754,700[42]
Five (1993–94) 3 18,274,800[43]
Six (1994–95) 1 19,652,400[44]
Seven (1995–96) 2 20,330,800[45]
Eight (1996–97) 2 19,885,000[46]
Nine (1997–98) 1 21,266,000[47]

Note: These numbers represent the number of households rather than actual viewers.

The syndicated reruns of the program were regularly in the top 10 syndicated programs, and remains there as of 2009[48]

After Seinfeld

The "Seinfeld curse"

Louis-Dreyfus, Alexander and Richards have each attempted to launch new sitcoms as title-role characters. Despite decent acclaim and even some respectable ratings, almost every show was canceled quickly, usually within the first season. This gave rise to the term Seinfeld curse: the failure of a sitcom starring one of the three, despite the conventional wisdom that each person's Seinfeld popularity should almost guarantee a strong, built-in audience for the actor's new show. Shows specifically cited regarding the Seinfeld curse are Julia Louis-Dreyfus' Watching Ellie, Jason Alexander's Bob Patterson and Listen Up!, and Michael Richards' The Michael Richards Show. Larry David once said of the curse, "It's so completely idiotic... It's very hard to have a successful sitcom."[49]

This phenomenon was mentioned throughout the second season of Larry David's HBO program Curb Your Enthusiasm. A story arc centers around Larry David trying to convince Jason Alexander to do a show about his inability to shake the 'George' title and move forward with his career. When Larry and Jason feud over the location of meetings, Larry David takes the idea to Julia Louis-Dreyfus. They plan to work on a show called Aren't You Evelyn? but Larry blows their chances with every network they meet, causing Julia to drop the idea.[50]

However, the Emmy award-winning success of Julia Louis-Dreyfus in the CBS sitcom The New Adventures of Old Christine has led many to believe that she has broken the 'curse'.[51] In her acceptance speech, Louis-Dreyfus held up her award and exclaimed, "I'm not somebody who really believes in curses, but curse this, baby!"[52] With Louis-Dreyfus playing Christine, the show has been on the air for five seasons with above-average ratings as of 2009.

Another scene

On the November 1, 2007, episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld mentioned the possibility of shooting one last scene, after they leave prison. He mentioned he is far too busy to do it now, but did not announce what the scene would entail as it is still a possibility they will do it.[53] In commentary from the final season DVD, Jerry Seinfeld outlines that he and Jason Alexander spoke about this scene being in Monk's Cafe, with George saying “That was brutal” in reference to the four's stint in jail.[54]

Curb Your Enthusiasm 2009 Reunion

Early in March 2009, it was announced that the Seinfeld cast would reunite for the seventh season of Curb Your Enthusiasm.[55] The entire cast first appeared in the third episode of the season, all playing themselves. The season-long story is that Larry David tries to initiate a Seinfeld reunion show as a ploy to get his ex-wife, Cheryl, back. Along with the four main characters, some of Seinfeld's supporting actors such as Wayne Knight, Estelle Harris and Steve Hytner also appeared in the ninth episode at a table read for the reunion show. Though much of the dialogue in Curb Your Enthusiasm is improvised, the plot was scripted, and the Seinfeld special that aired within the show was scripted and directed by Seinfeld regular Andy Ackerman, making this the first time since Seinfeld went off the air that the central cast appeared together in a scripted show.

Consumer products

A recurring feature of Seinfeld was its use of specific products, especially candy, as plot points. These might be a central feature of a plot (e.g. Junior Mints, Twix, Jujyfruits, Snickers, Nestlé Chunky, Oh Henry! and Pez), or an association of a candy with a guest character (e.g. Oh Henry! bars), or simply a conversational aside (e.g. Chuckles, Twinkies).

Non-candy products featured in Seinfeld include Rold Gold pretzels (whose advertisements at the time featured Jason Alexander), Kenny Rogers Roasters (a chicken restaurant chain), Oreo Cookies, Ben & Jerry's, H&H Bagels, Baskin Robbins, Dockers, Drake's Coffee Cakes, Ring Dings, Pepsi, Mello Yello, Snapple, Clearly Canadian, Bosco Chocolate Syrup, Cadillac, Saab, Ford Escort, Tyler Chicken (a parody of Tyson Chicken), Specialized Bicycles, Nike, BMW, Volvo, Toyota, Tupperware, Calvin Klein, Klein Bicycles, Ovaltine, Yoo-hoo, Arby's, TV Guide, Trump Tower, Glide Floss, Gore-Tex, the board games Risk, Boggle, Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble, and Battleship, Entenmann's and the J. Peterman clothing catalog.

The computers shown in Jerry's apartment are Apple Macintosh and several different models were shown, although Jerry only uses his computer once (onscreen) during the entire show. Also seen throughout the show's run were many different brands of cereal. A notable exception to this pattern is the use of a fictional scotch brand called "Hennigan's." One product placement, for Snapple, was inserted as a parody of product placement; when offered some by Elaine in the middle of a conversation, the character Babu Bhatt's (owner of a Pakistani restaurant named as "Dream Cafe") brother declines, calling the drink "too fruity."

The show's creators claim that they were not engaging in a product placement strategy for commercial gain. One of the motivations for the use of real-world products, quite unrelated to commercial considerations, is the comedy value of funny-sounding phrases and words. "I knew I wanted Kramer to think of watching the operation like going to see a movie," explained Seinfeld writer/producer Andy Robin in an interview published in the Hollywood Reporter. "At first, I thought maybe a piece of popcorn falls into the patient. I ran that by my brother, and he said, 'No, Junior Mints are just funnier.'"[56]

Many advertisers capitalized on the popularity of Seinfeld. American Express created a webisode in which Jerry Seinfeld and an animated Superman (voiced by Patrick Warburton, who played the role of David Puddy) starred in its commercial. Another advertisement featured Jason Alexander in a Chrysler commercial. In this, Alexander behaves much like his character George, and his relationship with Lee Iacocca plays on his George's relationship with George Steinbrenner. Similarly, Michael Richards was the focus of a series of advertisements for Vodafone which ran in Australia where he dressed and behaved exactly like Kramer, including the trademark bumbling pratfalls.

Seinfeld in HD

There are two high-definition versions of Seinfeld. The first is that of the network television (unsyndicated) versions in the original aspect ratio of 4:3 that were downscaled for the DVD releases.[57] Syndicated broadcast stations and the cable network TBS have begun airing the syndicated version of Seinfeld in HD. Unlike the version used for the DVD, Sony Pictures cropped out the top and bottom parts of the frame, while restoring previously cropped images on the sides, from the 35 mm film source, to use the entire 16:9 frame.[58] lists season 1 of Seinfeld in Blu-ray, though no release date has been announced.[59]


DVD releases

Main article: Seinfeld DVD releases

Sony Pictures Home Entertainment released all 9 seasons of Seinfeld on DVD in Regions 1, 2 and 4 between 2004 and 2007.[60] On November 6, 2007, Seinfeld: The Complete Series was released on DVD. The final season and the complete series set included a 2007 reunion of the four main cast members and Larry David.


A signature of Seinfeld is its theme music. Composed by Jonathan Wolff, it consists of distinct solo sampled bass guitar riffs which open the show and connect the scenes, often accompanied by a "percussion track" composed of mouth noises, such as pops and clicks. The slap bass music eventually replaced the original standard sitcom music by Jep Epstein when it was played again after the first broadcast "The Seinfeld Chronicles."

Seinfeld lacked a traditional title track and the riffs were played over the first moments of dialogue or action. They vary throughout each episode and are played in an improvised funk style with slap bass. An additional musical theme with an ensemble, led by a synthesized mid-range brass instrument, ends each episode.

In "The Note," the first episode of Season Three, the bumper music featured a scatting female jazz vocalist who sang a phrase that sounded like "easy to beat." Jerry Seinfeld and executive producer Larry David both liked Wolff's additions, and three episodes were produced with the new style music. However, they had neglected to inform NBC and Castle Rock of the change, and when the season premiere aired, they were surprised and unimpressed, and requested that they return to the original style. The subsequent two episodes were redone, leaving this episode as the only one with the additional music elements.[61] In the commentary of "The Note", Julia Louis-Dreyfus facetiously suggests it was removed because the perceived lyric related too closely to the low ratings at the time.[62]

In the final three seasons (7, 8, and 9), the bits were tweaked slightly to give them more frenetic rhythms and the occasional hint of guitar. Throughout the show, the main theme could be re-styled in different ways depending on the episode. For instance, in "The Betrayal," in which part of the episode takes place in India, the theme is heard played on a sitar.

Non-original music featured in the show:

Song Artist Episode Notes
"Joltin' Joe DiMaggio" Les Brown "The Note" The episode ends with this song.
"Vesti la giubba" Ruggero Leoncavallo "The Opera" and "The Keys" It plays close to the opera.
"Parla Più Piano" (The Godfather theme) Nino Rota "The Bris" The episode ends with this theme.
Selected music from "The Barber of Seville" Gioachino Rossini "The Barber" The music replaces Seinfeld main slap bass music.
"Wouldn't It Be Nice" The Beach Boys "The Hamptons" Cover version performed by another band
Superman theme John Williams "The Race" and "The Clip Show" Played when Jerry wins the race and during past reflection of Seinfeld episodes.
Sonata No. 8 Op. 13 "Pathetique" Ludwig van Beethoven "The Pez Dispenser" Elaine laughs through this music.
"Everybody's Talkin'" Harry Nilsson "The Mom & Pop Store" George sings this song after buying a car supposedly owned by Jon Voight. Also featured at the end of the episode, when Kramer and Jerry ride to New Jersey to find Jerry's shoes. The scene is a reference to the film Midnight Cowboy, which featured the song (and co-starred Voight).
"Hello" Lionel Richie "The Voice," "The Engagement" and "The Invitations" The song shows a reflection of their life.
"Downtown" Petula Clark "The Bottle Deposit" George looks for clues about his work assignment when Wilhelm mentions the song to him.
"Morning Train (9 to 5)" Sheena Easton "The Bizarro Jerry" and "The Butter Shave" Kramer and George in separate episodes have brief stints in going to work.
"Shining Star" Earth, Wind & Fire "The Little Kicks" and "The Bookstore" Elaine does the infamous dry heave dance to this song.
"Adagio for Strings" Samuel Barber "The Fatigues" Frank Costanza has a flashback of his days as a cook in the Korean War. This scene (and its music) is a reference to Platoon.
"Desperado" and "Witchy Woman" Eagles "The Checks" Elaine's boyfriend gets obsessed with "Desperado" while Elaine tries to offer "Witchy Woman" as "their" song (a doctor later "zones out" to the latter).
"Theme from The Greatest American Hero"[63] Joey Scarbury "The Susie" George's answering machine was to this tune but with different words.
"Three Times a Lady" The Commodores "The Pothole" Newman sings this song just before his mail truck catches fire at the end of the episode.
"Mañana (Is Soon Enough For Me)" Jackie Davis "The Blood" Appears when Kramer and Newman are making sausages and Kramer returning the blood.
"Slow Ride" Foghat "The Slicer" Elaine tunes into her bedside radio and offers up a few characteristic dance moves.
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" Iron Butterfly "The Slicer" Elaine makes an attempt to phone the locksmith.
"Mexican Radio" Wall of Voodoo "The Reverse Peephole" Kramer sings this as he is reversing his peephole. It is also featured at the end of the episode after the credits.
"Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" Green Day "The Clip Show" Behind the scenes throughout the series.
"Funiculì, Funiculà" Luigi Denza "The Maestro" Plays in the scene where Elaine jumps into the Maestro's car and he begins conducting.
"Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" Michael Jackson "The Clip Show" Clips of the gang dancing in the series.
"Master of the House" from Les Misérables Robert Hossein, Claude-Michel Schönberg, and Alain Boublil "The Jacket" The chorus is sung repeatedly by George throughout the episode and is eventually sung by Alton Benes in the closing credits scene.
"If I Were A Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick "The Limo" George whistles the tune once in the episode in front of some neo-Nazis.

See also


  1. ^ a b Staff (1997-12-26). "Seinfeld calls decision to end show "all about timing"". CNN. Retrieved 2007-12-18. 
  2. ^ Cosgrove-Mather, Bootie (2002-04-26). "TV Guide Names Top 50 Shows". Associated Press. Retrieved 2007-11-15. 
  3. ^ Huston, John (1999-12-03). "Seinfeld and nihilism". The Observer. Retrieved 2007-12-12. 
  4. ^ Gantz, Katherine. "Not That There's Anything Wrong with That": Reading the Queer in Seinfeld. In Calvin Thomas (Ed.). Straight with a Twist: Queer Theory and the Subject of Heterosexuality. Champaign. Illinois: University of Illinois Press. ISBN 0-252-06813-0
  5. ^ "About Seinfeld". TV1. Retrieved 2008-01-22. 
  6. ^ "Seinfeld Cast and characters – Jerry". Sony pictures. Retrieved 2007-12-11. 
  7. ^ "Seinfeld Cast and characters – Elaine". Sony pictures. Retrieved 2007-12-11. 
  8. ^ "Seinfeld Cast and characters – Kramer". Sony pictures. Retrieved 2007-12-11. 
  9. ^ Miller, Patrick D. (July 1998). "Editorial: Good-bye Seinfeld". Theology Today. Retrieved 2007-05-17. 
  10. ^ Erickson, Hal. "Seinfeld: Overview". Allmovie. Retrieved 2007-05-17. 
  11. ^ "Seinfeld". BBC. Retrieved 2007-05-17. 
  12. ^ a b Grenz, Stanley J. (February 1996). A Primer on Postmodernism. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co.. ISBN 0-8028-0864-6. 
  13. ^ Hurd, R. Wesley (June 1998). "Postmodernism: A New Model of Reality". McKenzie Study Center. Retrieved 2007-06-30. 
  14. ^ "Seinfacts: The Revenge". Sony Pictures. Retrieved 2008-12-30. 
  15. ^ Curb Your Enthusiasm: The Complete Second Season
  16. ^ "The Strike". Sony Pictures. Retrieved 2009-01-08. 
  17. ^ "The Boyfriend". Sony Pictures. Retrieved 2009-01-08. 
  18. ^ "The Betrayal". Sony Pictures. Retrieved 2009-01-08. 
  19. ^ "The Maestro". Sony Pictures. Retrieved 2009-01-08. 
  20. ^ "The Outing". Sony Pictures. Retrieved 2009-01-08. 
  21. ^ Caryn James (1998-05-12). "Goodbye! Already". New York Times. Retrieved 2007-12-22. 
  22. ^ "Seinfeld influence".,26334,615581,00.html. Retrieved 2007-12-22. 
  23. ^ Boudreaux, Jonathan (2004-11-24). "Seinfeld: Season 1 & 2 DVD Review". Retrieved 2008-04-22. 
  24. ^ Kevin V. Johnson (May 14, 1998). "Chronicles Got Everything Started". USA Today. 
  25. ^ "Seinfeld Says It's All Over, And It's No Joke for NBC". New York Times. May 5, 1998. 
  26. ^ "Seinfeld-Now playing- The phone message". Sony pictures. Retrieved 2008-10-27. 
  27. ^ Cerone, Daniel (March 4, 1993). "Seinfeld Is Suddenly Something". Los Angeles Times. 
  28. ^ "Seinfeld- Now playing: The Invitations". Sony pictures. Retrieved 2008-10-25. 
  29. ^ Handy, Bruce (January 12, 1998). "It's All About Timing". Time.,9171,987648,00.html. Retrieved 2008-03-26. 
  30. ^ "Seinfeld-Now playing: The Puerto Rican Day". Sony pictures. Retrieved 2008-10-25. 
  31. ^ "TIME Magazine Cover: Jerry Seinfeld". 1998-01-12.,16641,1101980112,00.html. Retrieved 2007-05-17. 
  32. ^ "The 'Seinfeld' e-mail for April 8, 1998". 1998-04-08. Retrieved 2007-05-17. 
  33. ^ Ryan, Joal (1998-03-27). "Clues to "Seinfeld" Sign Off". E! News. Retrieved 2007-05-17. 
  34. ^ "Forbes list". Retrieved 2007-12-18. 
  35. ^ "Oprah and Seinfeld top TV's richest". Retrieved 2007-12-18. 
  36. ^ "Seinfeld and advertising". Retrieved 2007-12-22. 
  37. ^ Emmy Awards official site "Sienfeld" "1993" Retrieved on May 8, 2008
  38. ^ 1st Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards – Official Site "Sienfeld"'. Retrieved on March 14, 2008
  39. ^ 3rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards – Official Site "Sienfeld"'. Retrieved on March 14, 2008
  40. ^ 4th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards – Official Site "Sienfeld"'. Retrieved on March 14, 2008
  41. ^ Emmy Awards official site search "Sienfeld" and years "1992 to 1998" Retrieved on May 8, 2008
  42. ^ "TV Ratings: 1992–1993". Retrieved 2007-11-09. 
  43. ^ "TV Ratings: 1993–1994". Retrieved 2007-11-09. 
  44. ^ "TV Ratings: 1994–1995". Retrieved 2007-11-09. 
  45. ^ "TV Ratings: 1995–1996". Retrieved 2007-11-09. 
  46. ^ "TV Ratings: 1996–1997". Retrieved 2007-11-09. 
  47. ^ "TV Ratings: 1997–1998". Retrieved 2007-11-09. 
  48. ^ Nielsen Weekly Top Syndicated TV Show Ratings courtesy of Nielsenmedia
  49. ^ Baerg, Greg (2002-03-05). "'Curb's' Larry David: 'Seinfeld' Curse 'Idiotic'". Zap2it.,1002,271. Retrieved 2007-05-17. 
  50. ^ "Thor". David, Larry. Curb Your Enthousiasm. 2001-09-30. No. 2, season 2.
  51. ^ Susman, Gary (21-03-2006) "Has Julia Louis Dreyfus broken the 'Seinfeld' curse?" Entertainment Weekly Retrieved on 29-08-2008
  52. ^ Hall, Sarah (2006-08-27). "Emmys Clock into "24," "Office"". E! News. Retrieved 2007-05-17. 
  53. ^ "Episode dated 1 November 2007". Axler, Rachel; Bleyer, Kevin; Blomquist, Richard; Bodow, Steve; Carvell, Tim; Havlan, J.R.; Scott Jacobson, Scott; Javerbaum, David; Karlin, Ben; Kutner, Rob; Lieb, Josh; Means, Sam; Reich, Jason; Ross, Jason; Stewart, Jon. The Daily Show. Comedy Central. 2007-11-01.
  54. ^ Seinfeld Season 9: Notes about Nothing – "The Finale". [DVD]. Sony Pictures Home Entertainment. 2007-11-06. 
  55. ^ Rice, Lynette (2009-03-05). "Exclusive: 'Seinfeld' cast to appear on 'Curb Your Enthusiasm'". Retrieved 2009-03-05. 
  56. ^ Staff (2005-04-28). "A look at some of the biggest hits in movie and TV product placement". The Hollywood Reporter. Retrieved 2007-11-10. 
  57. ^ "'Seinfeld' in HD on TBS HD! Page 2". videojanitor. Retrieved 2009-09-23. 
  58. ^ "Engadget HD". 2008-09-03. Retrieved 2009-10-28. 
  59. ^ " Seinfeld – Season 1 Blu-ray". Retrieved 2008-12-13. 
  60. ^ "Seinfeld region 1 DVD release dates". Retrieved 2008-03-23. 
  61. ^ Season 3 DVD: Inside Look of 'The Note'
  62. ^ Season 3 DVD: 'The Note' commentary
  63. ^ "The Greatest American Hero". 

General references

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Seinfeld (1989-1998) was a television Sitcom about four friends living in New York City, considered to be one of the most popular and influential of the 1990s in the U.S.


Season 1

The Seinfeld Chronicles (Pilot) [1.1]

Jerry: If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.

Jerry: Men are not subtle — men are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women! It's the only thing we know for sure: we want women! How do we get women? Oh, we don't know that. After that first step, we have no idea. This is why you see men honking their car horns, yelling from construction sites; these are the best ideas we've had so far.

The Stakeout [1.2]

Jerry: I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time. I don't have any money, but I have these... I wrote on these... Is this of any value at all?"

Jerry: So, do you date immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively.

The Robbery [1.3]

Kramer: [Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Jerry, I'm sorry... You have insurance, right?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: How could you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Klapco D29! It's the most unpenetrable lock in the market today! It has only one design flaw. The door... must be closed!

Jerry: Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up; he's dressed like a penguin. We can find him; he's a penguin!"

Male Unbonding [1.4]

Jerry: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived, like, three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten! I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table!

George: She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk."
Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.
George: That or "Whose bra is this?"
Jerry: That's worse.

The Stock Tip [1.5]

Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!

Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: Whaddaya say, Jerry? You want to make $28?
Jerry: Hey, I'm no cat-killer.

Season 2

The Ex-Girlfriend [2.1]

Jerry: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

Jerry: You know, when you read Moby Dick the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.

The Pony Remark [2.2]

Jerry: If I have to sit next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbin' my arm when he talks to me. That's probably because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.

George: You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.

The Jacket [2.3]

Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry: Of course.
George: It's fabulous.

Elaine: My dad thinks George is gay.
Jerry: Oh, because of all the singing?
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.

The Phone Message [2.4]

Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the Dockers commercial.
Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.

George: The light is blinking: "Come and listen to the idiot!... The idiot's on!!"

The Apartment [2.5]

Jerry: [about the marathon] Ah, what's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.

Roxanne: The marathon is great, isn't it?
Jerry: Yes, particularly if you're not in it.

The Statue [2.6]

Kramer: Just make love to that wall, pervert!

George: [The statue] slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.

The Revenge [2.7]

Newman: [about to commit suicide] Kramer! I'm on the roof!
Kramer: [goes to Jerry's window, looks up] Well, what are you waiting for?!

George: Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.

The Heart Attack [2.8]

Tor: Your tea is ready now. This should solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.
Jerry: I love crampbark.
Tor: Cleavers.
Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car!
Tor: And some couchgrass.
Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.

Tor: Do you use hot water in the shower?
George: Yes.
Tor: Stop using it.

The Deal [2.9]

Jerry: So how's the job situation going?
George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.

George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!

The Baby Shower [2.10]

Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
Elaine: What do you wanna know?
Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine: Rarely.

Jerry: Sometimes the road less travelled is less travelled for a reason.

The Chinese Restaurant [2.11]

Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated first-come-first-served. It should be based on who's hungriest.

Elaine: I feel like walking over there and grabbing something off someone's plate.
Jerry: I'll tell you what. There's 50 bucks in it for ya if you do it.
Elaine: What do you mean?
Jerry: You walk up to that table over there, you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything, you eat it, wipe your mouth, say "Thank you very much", walk away — I'll give you 50 bucks.
Elaine: 50 bucks; you'll give me 50 bucks?
Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
Elaine: You think they're going to mind?
Jerry: I don't think so. In fact, you will give them something they will talk about for years.
Elaine: Okay, I don't wanna go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something.
Jerry: No. No tricks.
Elaine: Should I do it, George?
George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.

The Busboy [2.12]

Jerry: I think the busboy's in trouble.
George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?
Elaine: I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
Jerry: [casually] I didn't say anything.

Kramer: ¿Como se dice.. waterbed?

Season 3

The Note [3.1]

[Jerry comes to apologize to Julianna, who has her son with her.]
Julianna: I treated you. So please, just get out of the office!
Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
Julianna: Run, Billy! Run to the office and close the door!

George: This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger! I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.

The Truth [3.2]

Jerry: What did you tell her?
George: I told her that she was pretentious.
Jerry: Pretentious? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS — they're like the Mafia. They can take anything they want.

Elaine: You see, that's karma.
Jerry: No, that's Kramer.

The Pen [3.3]

Photographer: Say "astronaut."
[Elaine, laughing, walks right up to the lens of the camera]
Elaine: Heh-heh. Say what? Ha-ha-heh! Say what?
Jerry: [pulls her back] You took too many of those pills.

Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.
Helen Seinfeld: Heh-heh! [Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.

The Dog [3.4]

Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo.

Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.

The Library [3.5]

George: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying "Costanza", he'd say "Can't-stand-ya, can't stand ya!" He made me smell my own gym socks once.

Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?
Librarian: It's true.
Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cohn."

The Parking Garage [3.6]

Jerry: You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

Elaine: Why can't you do it?
Man: I can't.
Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
Man: That's right.
Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?
Man: I don't know.
Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
Man: No, I wouldn't.

The Cafe [3.7]

Jerry: I don't know. I'm obsessed with it. It's like a spider in the toilet struggling for survival. And even if you know it's not going to make it, you kind of root for it for a second.
Elaine: And then you flush.
Jerry: Well, it's a spider.

Jerry: Casus belli.
Elaine: Casus... belli.

The Tape [3.8]

Elaine: [jokingly] Jerry, I want to slide my tongue around you like a snake... Ooooooooooha ,oooooohaaaa...

The Nose Job [3.9]

Kramer: Oh, you're as pretty as them. You just need a nose job.

George: [referring to a nose job] Peter Jennings had one.
Audrey: Really?
George: Probably. They all do. In my high school, half my graduating class had them. Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

The Stranded [3.10]

Ava: Are you a vegetarian?
Jerry: Here we go..
Elaine: Yeah, I eat fish occasionally.
Ava: So you're a hypocrite.
George: Hey, I've eaten frogs, so nobody's perfect.

Elaine: Oh yeah, that's right. Go ahead, go ahead, maybe you can run over a squirrel!
George: That's why we're here in America.

The Alternate Side [3.11]

Agent: Unfortunately we ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation.
Agent: I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.

Sid: Moving cars from one side of the street to the other don't take no more sense than putting on a pair of pants. My question to you is, who's putting your pants on?

The Red Dot [3.12]

Mr. Lippman: It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?
George: Who said that?
Mr. Lippman: She did.
George: Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this one, because if I had known that sort of thing was frowned upon...

Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me!
George: Well, good, good. Take it off. You're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.
Kramer: What's that red dot on your sweater?

The Subway [3.13]

Kramer: All right, Coney Island. Okay, you can take the B or the F and switch for the N at Broadway Lafayette, or you can go over the bridge to DeKalb and catch the Q to Atlantic Avenue, then switch to the IRT 2, 3, 4 or 5, but don't get on the G. See, that's very tempting, but you wind up on Smith and 9th street, then you got to get on the R.
Elaine: Couldn't he just take the D straight to Coney Island?
Kramer: Well, yeah...

Jerry: Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.
George: Why not?
Jerry: That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview in Death of a Salesman.
George: What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging: the biggest loser in history of American literature.

The Pez Dispenser [3.14]

Jerry: Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.
Elaine: Well, maybe some mental defective put something stupid on her leg.
Jerry: Even if this so-called mental defective did put something on her leg, she's still the one who laughed.

Jerry: By the way, how do you warm up before you play?
Noel: I just crack my knuckles and go.

The Suicide [3.15]

Elaine: But here it was, mountains of duck. And not fatty duck, either, but juicy, tender breasts of duck.
Jerry: Wow, she is really hungry!

George: Are there terrorists on the plane? A hotel fire — is that it? Typhus? Malaria? Yellow fever? Lupus? Is it lupus?!

The Fix-Up [3.16]

George: Is there a pinkish hue?
Jerry: A pinkish hue?
George: Yeah, a rosy glow.
Jerry: There's a hue. She's got great eyebrows; women kill to have her eyebrows.
George: Who cares about eyebrows?

George: What kind of hair?
Jerry: You know: long, dark hair.
George: Flowing?
Jerry: Flowing?
George: Is it flowing? I like flowing, cascading hair. Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me.
Jerry: "Thick, lustrous hair is very important to me." Is that what you said?
George: Yeah, that's right.
Jerry: Just clarifying.

The Boyfriend, Part 1 [3.17]

Jerry: According to your story, Hernandez passes you and starts walking up the ramp. Then you say you were struck on the right temple. The spit then proceeds to ricochet off the temple, striking Newman between the third and fourth rib. The spit then came off the rib turned and hit Newman in the right wrist, causing him to drop his baseball cap. The spit then splashed off the wrist, pauses — in mid air, mind you — makes a left turn and lands on Newman's left thigh. That is one magic loogie.

Jerry: I'm saying that the spit could not have come from behind, that there had to have been a second spitter, behind the bushes on the gravelly road. If the spitter was behind you as you claim, that would've caused your head to pitch forward.
Elaine: So the spit could've only come from the front and to the right.
Jerry: But that's not what they would have you believe.
Newman: I'm leavin.' Jerry's a nut!
Kramer: [to Newman] Wait, wait, wait.
Jerry: The sad thing is that we may never know the real truth.

The Boyfriend, Part 2 [3.18]

Keith Hernandez: [thinking] Come on, I won the MVP in '79. I can do whatever I want to.

The Limo [3.19]

George: Did you see the way she was looking at me?
Jerry: She's a Nazi, George, a Nazi!
George: Kind of a cute Nazi, though.

Eva: What was that you said about the myth of the Holocaust?
George: Oh, I said so many things. I- [a loud blast is heard] They're shooting! They're shooting!

The Good Samaritan [3.20]

George: No, no, I don't think I'm special. My mother always said I'm not special.

George: I'm speechless! I have no speech!

The Letter [3.21]

Art patron: [describing his view of "The Kramer" portrait] He is a loathsome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away.

George: I don't get art.
Jerry: There's nothing to get.
George: No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.

The Parking Space [3.22]

George: All bald people look good in hats.
Elaine: You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.
George: What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.

Jerry: Like you didn't call me a phony?
Mike: What? [to Kramer] Thanks! Real good! [back to Jerry] Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Jerry: Use it in a sentence.
Mike: Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] Why'd you tell him?
Kramer: He begged me!
Mike: He begged you?

The Keys [3.23]

Kramer: Do you ever yearn?
George: Yearn? Do I yearn?
Kramer: I yearn.
George: You yearn?
Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?
George: Well, not recently. I've craved. Constant craving.

Jerry: You scared me!
Kramer: It's just me.
Jerry: That's enough!

Season 4

The Trip, Part 1 [4.1]

Voice: Murphy Brown.
Kramer: Uh, yeah, uh, Candace Bergen please.
Voice: Who's calling please?
Kramer: Well, just tell her that it's Kramer.
[dial tone]

George: I dress by mood.
Jerry: And what mood is this?
George: This is Morning Mist.

The Trip, Part 2 [4.2]

George: I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.

Jerry: Hello 911? How are you?

The Pitch [4.3]

Telemarketer: Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, I'm sorry we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well now you know how I feel. [hangs up]

Kramer: No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.
Newman: No, but there's karma, Kramer.
Jerry: "Karma Kramer"?

The Ticket [4.4]

Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding but it was to save a man's life! A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.

Jerry: You know a muffin can be very filling.

The Wallet [4.5]

Jerry: Don't you hate "To be continued" on TV? It's horrible when you sense the "To be continued" coming. You know, you're watching the show; you're into the story. There's, like, five minutes left and suddenly you realize, "Hey, they can't make it. Timmy's still stuck in the cave. There's no way they wrap this up in five minutes." I mean, the whole reason you watch a TV show is because it ends. If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life. A comedian can't do that, see. I can't go, "A man walks into a bar with a pig under his arm... Can you come back next week?"

Morty: They stole my wallet. The bum stole my wallet. MY WALLET'S GONE! MY WALLET'S GONE! I had my wallet in my back pocket. It’s gone.
Nurse: Are you sure?
Morty: Yes, I'm sure. I went in to get my x-ray. Somebody takes my wallet. Is that the operation here?

The Watch [4.6]

Elaine: Just tell him that you're my boyfriend and that we're in love, okay. Can you do that?
Kramer:Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm your boyfriend... Have we been intimate?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, we've been intimate.
Kramer: How often do we do it?
Elaine: Kramer, how is that important? Honestly, do you really think he's gonna ask you that?
Kramer: Elaine, he's a psychiatrist. They're interested in stuff like that.
Elaine: Alright, alright. We do it, uh...five times a week, okay?
Kramer: Oooh, baby.

Helen: If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.
Jerry: She's pretty. She's not beautiful.
Helen: I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.
Jerry: I think that's a little extreme.
Leo: She's alright..

The Bubble Boy [4.7]

Jerry: He's a bubble boy!
George: A bubble boy?!
Jerry: Yes! A bubble boy!
Susan: What's a bubble boy?
Jerry: He lives in a bubble!
George: Boy.

[trying to avoid hearing Naomi's obnoxious laugh]
Naomi: I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy-go-lucky.
Jerry: No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything I'm sad stop unlucky.
Naomi: Hahahaha.
Jerry: That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV guide. I think uh, Holocaust is on.

The Cheever Letters [4.8]

Susan: (reading one of the letters) "Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my..orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't how how I shall ever get back to work..I love you madly, John...P.S. Loved the cabin."

Elaine: Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all "laid out for me".

The Opera [4.9]

Jerry: Why don't you just get lost?
Man: Why don't you get lost?!
Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why!
Man: Oh yeah?!
Jerry: Yeah!
(The man walks away)
Jerry: I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?

The Virgin [4.10]

Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed. So, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm; who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?

Jerry: She's a virgin. I just found out.
Elaine: Well, I didn't know!
Jerry: Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.

The Contest [4.11]

George: Hey, what are you doing tonight?
Jerry: Dating Marla.
George: Oh, the virgin?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Any, uh.. progress, there? What's the latest?
Jerry: Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Elaine: What're you looking at?
Jerry: There's a naked woman across the street.
Elaine: [chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.
Jerry: Yeah.. the - the waitress should've taken it back.
Elaine: So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
George: Have a good time.

The Airport [4.12]

Kramer: Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.

Guard: All right, let's go.
Prisoner: I want the magazine!
George: Umm... No.
Prisoner: You know what I would do to you, if I wasn't in these shackles..
George: But you are, "Blanche"! You are in the shackles. Oh, I can't wait to read my "Time" magazine! Last copy, too. Maybe I'll read it tomorrow in the park! It's supposed to be a beautiful day! Have a nice life..sentence, that is!

The Pick [4.13]

Jerry: If we pick, do we not bleed?

Jerry: I am not an animal!

The Movie [4.14]

Kramer: I don't wanna get a movie hot dog! I want a Papaya King hot dog!

The Visa [4.15]

Jerry: Well, I mean birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.

George: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!

The Shoes [4.16]

Jerry: Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

The Outing [4.17]

Jerry: I've been outed. I wasn't even in!

Jerry: Everyone thinks we're gay!... Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The Old Man [4.18]

Sid: Oh her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she doesn't speak English. My ass she doesn't speak English. Plays that freakin' "voo-doo" music and tries to hypnotize me. She thinks she's gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind. Well, I wasn't born yesterday. I may drop dead today, but I sure as hell wasn't born yesterday! Now get the hell out of my house!

The Implant [4.19]

Sidra: And one more thing; they're real, and they're spectacular.

Elaine: You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.

The Junior Mint [4.20]

Kramer: Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint; it's delicious!
Jerry: That's true.
Kramer: It's very refreshing!

George: I guess it can't hurt him... People eat *pounds* of those things.
Jerry: They *eat* them, they don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity!

The Smelly Car [4.21]

George: This is beyond B.O. This is B.B.O.

Jerry: Usually the O stays with the B. Once the B is gone the O leaves with it.

The Handicap Spot [4.22]

Kramer: I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.
George: He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?
Elaine: What's that suppose to mean?

Salesman: This is our best model: The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is're almost glad to be handicapped.

The Pilot, Part 1 [4.23]

Jerry: Again with the sweat pants?
George: What? I'm comfortable.
Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."

George: He took a biopsy Jerry, a biopsy!
Jerry: What'd he say?
George: He said he didn't know what it was.
Jerry: All right, so?
George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get out of here". That's what I wanted to hear. "Cancer? Get out of here!"
Jerry: Maybe he doesn't have a "get out of here" kind of personality.
George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get out of here" ? It should be part of the training in medical school. "Cancer? Get out of here! Go home! What are you, crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?" Told you God would never let me be successful. I never should have written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead, Jerry. Because of this.
Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I've lived my whole life in shame! Why should I die with dignity?

The Pilot, Part 2 [4.24]

Sandi: You're breaking up with me, aren't you?
Jerry: Do you want me to break up with you?
Sandi: If that's what you want.
Jerry: I don't even know what you're talking about.
Sandi: Fine. Break up with me.
Jerry: All right. We're broken up.
Sandi: Can we still be friends?

Season 5

The Mango [5.1]

George: You faked?
Elaine: On occasion.
Jerry: And the guy never knows?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: How can he not know that?
Elaine: Because I was gooood.
Jerry: I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.
Elaine: [chuckles] You didn't know.

Elaine: Jerry, we have to have sex to save the friendship.
Jerry: Sex to save the friendship. [starts to take off his shirt] Well if we have to we have to.

The Puffy Shirt [5.2]

Kramer: This is going to be a new look for the '90s. You're going to be the first pirate!
Jerry: But I don't want to be a pirate!

Jerry: I have to wear it [the puffy shirt]! The people at the factory are making these based on me wearing it on TV! They're producing them as we speak!
Elaine: But you're supposed to be a compassionate person! That cares about poor people! You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier!

The Glasses [5.3]

George: I'm at the health club; and while I'm in the pool, some guy walks off with my glasses. Who steals prescription glasses?
Elaine: You don't have an old pair?
George: I broke 'em playing basketball.
Jerry: He was running from a bee.

Elaine: So I'm all right? I don't need a shot?
Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite.
Elaine: Yes, I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
Doctor: Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.

The Sniffing Accountant [5.4]

Elaine: So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?
Jerry: Yes, I'm impugning a continent.

Frank: How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.
George: I know about the cups.
Frank: You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.
George: I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.

The Bris [5.5]

George: [showing off his perfect parking spot to Elaine and Jerry] Maybe the baby would like to see the spot.

Kramer: I'm tellin' ya! The pigman is alive. The government's been experimenting with pigmen since the fifties.
Jerry: Will you stop it. Just because a hospital gets a grant to study DNA doesn't mean they are creating a race of mutant pigmen.
Kramer: Oh, Jerry. Would you wake up to reality! It's a military thing. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

The Lip Reader [5.6]

Newman: When you control the mail, you control information!

Driver: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to that rock concert last night at the garden. My seats were right up against the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. "Metalli"-something.
Kramer: "Ca".
Driver: Huh?
George: Wha..?
Jerry: "Ca".
George: Ah.

The Non-Fat Yogurt [5.7]

Doctor: I find that there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
George: Hmm. Really? Nothing?
Doctor: Nothing that would indicate involuntary spasms.
George: Well, it's kind of a mystery, isn't it?
Doctor: No, not really.
George: How so?
Doctor: May I suggest the possibility that you're faking?

The Barber [5.8]

Enzo: You happy with the haircut?
Newman: It's okay. A little crooked.
Enzo: How'd you like to have free haircut for six months.
Newman: What's the catch?
Enzo: You're going to get me a sample of Jerry's hair.
Newman: That job sounds like it might be worth a year of free haircuts. And a comb.

Gino: So I love the Edward Scissorhands. That's the best movie I've ever seen.
Enzo: Ah, again with the Edward Scissorhands. How can you have hand like scissors, huh? Show me one person who's got hand like scissors!
Gino: Hey, it's a beautiful dream. I'd love to be this man.
Enzo: Did you ever think about what you're going to do on the toilet? What are you going to do on the toilet?
Kramer: I'd like to have shoehorn hands.

The Masseuse [5.9]

George: Jerry...this woman hates me so much...I'm starting to like her.

George: A woman that hates me this much comes along once in a lifetime.
Jerry: You're a lucky guy.

The Cigar Store Indian [5.10]

Kramer: I'm doing a coffee-table book on coffee tables.

Estelle Costanza: George doesn't work. He's a bum.

The Conversion [5.11]

Father/Priest: Is there one aspect of the faith that you find particularly attractive?
George: I like the hats.

George: Is there any kind of .. express conversion?

The Stall [5.12]

Jerry: You're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world crashing down all around you?

Jerry: He's a male bimbo...He's a mimbo!

The Dinner Party [5.13]

Jerry: Uh, I don't feel so good.
Elaine: What's wrong?
Jerry: My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.
Elaine: The black and white?
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: Not getting along?

Man:[Bumps into George and angrily says] Big Coat!
George: Yes, Its a big coat!
Kramer: Be careful with that coat, you'll start a war!

The Marine Biologist [5.14]

[using the ATM at the same time as the person next to him]
Jerry: "Cash advance"? Yes... no. "Balance inquiry"? No. "Receipt"? No. Processing... processing... processing. [to the person next to him] I win!

George: The sea was angry that day, my friends, like an old man trying to return soup at a deli!

The Pie [5.15]

Ricky's supervisor: Ricky, we've been getting a tremendous response to your TR-6 mannequin.
Ricky: TR-6? I prefer to think of her as... Elaine.

The Stand In [5.16]

Jerry: How do you stop a kid from growing?
Kramer: I told you, you should offer him some cigarettes.
Mickey: I offered him cigarettes, but his stupid mother is hanging around. She won't let him have any.

George: Why don't they just hire another midget?
Mickey: It's "little people"...You got that?!

The Wife [5.17]

Kramer: Hey Elaine, what do you say, if neither of us is married in 10 years, we get hitched?
Elaine: Make it 50.
Kramer: We're engaged!

George: A guy leaves a puddle of sweat, that's a signal?
Elaine: Yeah, it's a social thing.
George: What if he left you a used Kleenex? What's that, a valentine?

The Raincoats, Part 1 [5.18]

Jerry: She lives with her parents.
George: Really? Maybe this will become like a cool thing, living with your parents.
Jerry: Yeah, then maybe baldness will catch on.

The Fire [5.20]

Jerry: [during stand-up] To me, the thing about birthday parties is that the first birthday party you have and the last birthday party you have are actually quite similar. You know, you just kinda sit're the least excited person at the party. You don't even really realize that there is a party. You don't know what's goin' on. Both birthday parties, people have to kinda help you blow out the candles, you can't do don't even know why you're doing it. What is this ritual?

George: What looked like pushing...what looked like knocking down...was a safety precaution! In a fire, you stay close to the ground, am I right? And when I ran out that door, I was not leaving anyone behind! Oh, quite the contrary! I risked my life making sure that exit was clear. Any other questions?
Fireman: How do you live with yourself?
George: It's not easy.

The Hamptons [5.21]

Kramer: Hey Jerry, you ever wear silk underwear?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: Put that on the top of your list.
Jerry: No, not for me. A little too delightful.

Elaine: Oh, isn't that weird that George and Jane haven't had sex yet, but they're spending a weekend together?
Jerry: I know, George is pretty pleased about it. It's like she signed a letter of intent.

The Opposite [5.22]

Jerry: The New York Yankees?
George: The New York [turns Yankees hat around] Yankees!
Jerry: Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle ... Costanza!?

George: SHUT YOUR TRAPS AND STOP KICKING THE SEATS! WE’RE TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE! And if I have to tell you again, we’re gonna take it outside and I'm gonna SHOW you what it's like, you understand me? Now shut your mouths or I’m gonna shut 'em for ya! And if you think I'm kidding, just try me. Try me! Because I would LOVE it!!!

Season 6

The Chaperone [6.1]

Ms. Rhode Island: I'm watching my weight
Jerry: I'm watching my height. My doctor doesn't want me to get any taller.

Kramer: Look, if you think I'm just going to step aside and do nothing while you defile this woman, you're crazy.

The Big Salad [6.2]

Jerry: People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Jerry: He doesn't even care if a man answers.
Elaine: Or you.

The Pledge Drive [6.3]

Leo: She can't do that, she's on a very fixed income! Stop the show!!

Kramer: Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people!

The Chinese Woman [6.4]

Kramer: I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!

Jerry: [referring to George] It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal.

The Couch [6.5]

Jerry: Is it? C-could it? Could he have? It is! Poppy peed on my sofa!

The Gymnast [6.6]

Kramer: Jerry, you stand on the threshold to the magical world of sensual delights that most men dare not dream of.

Jerry: You're in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

The Mom & Pop Store [6.7]

Jerry: We should get you to a hospital.
Kramer: I ain't going to no Bellevue.

George: [singing] Everybody's talkin' at me... can't hear a word they're sayin'... just drivin' around in Jon Voight's car...

The Soup [6.8]

Jerry: I'll have the turkey club without the bacon.
George: And I'll have the bacon club without the turkey.

Elaine: Can I have a big salad?
Waitress: A big salad?
Elaine: You see
George: [irritated] Just tell them what you want. They'll make it for you.
Elaine: It's a salad, only bigger, with lots of stuff in it.
Waitress: I can bring you two small salads.
Elaine: Could you put it in a big bowl?
Waitress: We don't have big bowls.
Elaine: All right, just get me a cup of decaf.
Waitress: We have Sanka.

The Secretary [6.9]

Secretary: As you can see, my references are impeccable and I think I'd be a real asset here. My only concern is: I take care of my mother. Will there be many late nights?
George: I can't imagine any.

Jerry: You got no waist in that thing.
George: And your arms look like something in a kosher deli.

The Switch [6.10]

George: Do you ever just get down on your knees and thank God that you know me and have access to my dementia?

Jerry: Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains. I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends... No, I'm not ready for it.

The Race [6.11]

Lois: Would you be able to come all the way downtown during rush hour again?
Jerry: Well, I'd have to be Superman to do that, Lois.
Lois: So, you were the fastest kid in school.
Jerry: Faster than a speeding bullet, Lois.

The Label Maker [6.12]

Elaine: He recycled this gift. He's a regifter.

Jerry: Oh, it's "Risk." It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

The Scofflaw [6.13]

Jerry: Who is he not to talk to you about his life-threatening illness?

George: You think I tell Jerry everything? It's not like he's my wife.

The Beard [6.16]

George: Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it.

[Talking about George's toupee]
Kramer: Its a perfect match.
Jerry: Are you kidding? I can spot that bird's nest two blocks away.

The Kiss Hello [6.17]

George: I love these people. You can't ask 'em questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office. When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!

The Doorman [6.18]

Jerry: How 'bout those Knicks?
Doorman: Oh, I see. On the sports page...
Jerry: Yeah.
Doorman: What makes you think I wasn't reading the Wall Street page? Oh, I know, because I'm the uneducated doorman.

Jerry: [dressed as a doorman] Hey, hey, wait a second. You live here?
Mr. Green: Of course I live here! I've lived here for twenty years. Now if you don't let me in, I'm going to call the police and have you arrested!
[Jerry lets the man pass.]
Jerry: [yells] You think you're better than me?

The Jimmy [6.19]

Jimmy: You know, Jimmy is pretty sweet on you.
Elaine: [thinks that Jimmy is another guy] Aaaaaahhh! He is?
Jimmy: Oh, yeah! Jimmy's been watching you. You're just Jimmy's type.
Elaine: Ahh! Really?
Jimmy: Jimmy's new in town. Jimmy... doesn't really know anyone.
Elaine: Oh! Well, I'd like to get to know him.
Jimmy: Jimmy would like to get to know you.

[Jerry finds a copy of Penthouse in Dr. Whatley's waiting room.]
Jerry: He's a doctor! I mean, it's supposed to be like a sterile environment.

The Doodle [6.20]

George: [referring to a doodle of himself] I look like a troll!

Elaine: What's this, a drawing of Mr. Magoo?
Jerry: No, that's George.

The Fusilli Jerry [6.21]

Jerry: You know what a good mechanic is worth? You can't compare that to sex.

Estelle: Georgie, I'm a divorcee.
George: No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're — you're a "separatee."
Estelle: Well, I'm out there, George.
George: No, you're not out there.
Estelle: I am, too!
George: You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

The Diplomat's Club [6.22]

Mr. Morgan: I suppose we all look alike to you, right Costanza?

Katie: Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
Jerry: I'm freakin' out! I am freakin' out!

The Face Painter [6.23]

Elaine: [to the busboy] Oh, thanks very much. The soup was really good.
[The busboy gives her a blank stare and walks away.]
Jerry: What are you telling him for?
Elaine: What?
Jerry: He's the busboy. You think he cares about the soup?
Elaine: Yeah, why? Wouldn't he want the soup to be good?
Jerry: Elaine, it's all this guy can do to keep from killing himself. You think he's back there, talking to the chef, going, "Hey, they like the soup! Keep it up!"?

George: I saw Sienna again.
Elaine: Sienna?
Jerry: He's dating a crayon.

The Understudy [6.24]

George: I watched "Beaches" on cable last night... give me a break.
Bette: Get some talent. Then you can mouth off.

Kramer: [on the phone] A turkey sandwich, a side of slaw... You want white meat or dark?
Bette: White meat.
Kramer: Yeah, white meat. And if I see one piece of dark meat on there, it's your ass, buster!

Season 7

The Engagement [7.1]

Susan: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.
Estelle: You do?
Susan: : Yes.
Estelle: Really?
Susan: : Yes.
Estelle: May I ask why?

Jerry: Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit: she eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat corn niblets, but she scooped them.
George: She scooped the niblets?
Jerry: Yes. That's what was so vexing.

The Postponement [7.2]

Kramer: Look at this, Jerry; dropping paper on the ground. That's littering.
Jerry: Maybe you better call the cops and turn me in.
Kramer: Maybe I will.

Susan: If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. [crying] Say so.
George: Still marry. Still marry.
Susan: No, you don't love me.
George: No. Still love. Still love.
Susan: My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.
George: No, no, no. No mistake, no mistake!

The Maestro [7.3]

Kramer: You know you hurt the Maestro's feelings.
Jerry: Oh what, because I didn't call him "Maestro"?
Kramer: That's right.
Jerry: Ya know, I feel a little funny calling somebody "Maestro."
Kramer: Why?
Jerry: Because it's a stupid thing to be called.
Kramer: Jerry, he's a conductor.
Jerry: Oh, conductor. He conducts the Policeman's Benevolent Association Orchestra.

Jerry: New shirt?
George: Yeah. You like it?
Jerry: No, not particularly.
George: Why, the color?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Too flashy?
Jerry: Yeah, it's burning my retina.

The Wink [7.4]

Kramer: Oh, by the way, tomorrow night Paul O'Neill has to catch a fly ball in his hat.

The Hot Tub [7.5]

George: Right now, I sit around pretending that I'm busy.
Jerry: How do you pull that off?
George: I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... [puts on an annoyed face]
Elaine: Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!
Jerry: Yeah, he looks busy! Yeah!
George: I know what I'm doin.' In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right, back to work. [puts on the annoyed face]

George: Hey, you bastards.
Jerry: Hey, how was the meeting?
George: I really like those sons of bitches.
Jerry: Sons of bitches?
George: Yeah! That's how they talk. You know, everyone's either a bastard or a son of a bitch. Yeah, it's like, uh... "Boy, that son of a bitch Boggs can really hit, huh?"
Jean-Paul: Really?
George: Yeah, yeah. That's how they talk in the Major League.

The Soup Nazi [7.6]

Elaine: Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know, Scent of A Woman? Who-ah! Who-ah!
Soup Nazi: Very good. Very good.
Elaine: Well, I—
Soup Nazi: You know something?
Elaine: Hmmm?
Soup Nazi: No soup for you!
Elaine: What?
Soup Nazi: Come back one year! Next!

Elaine: Hello.
Soup Nazi: You. You think you can get soup? Please. You're wasting everyone's time.
Elaine: I don't want soup. I can make my own soup. "Five cups chopped Porcine mushrooms, half a cup of olive oil, three pounds celery."
Soup Nazi: That is my recipe for wild mushroom.
Elaine: Yeah, that's right. I got 'em all. Cold cucumber, corn and crab chowder, mulligatawny..
Soup Nazi: Mulliga... tawny?
Elaine: You're through, Soup Nazi. Now pack it up. No more soup for you. NEXT!

The Secret Code [7.7]

Kramer: Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.
Jerry: No, I didn't.

The Pool Guy [7.8]

Kramer: Hello and welcome to Moviefone! Brought to you by the New York Times and HOT 97. Coming to theatres this Friday... [deep trailer voice-over] Kevin Bacon. Susan Sarandon. You've got to get me over that mountain! NOO! [imitates air raid effect and long scream] There's no higher place than... Mountain High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie that you'd like to see, press 1.

Moviefone President: Hello. And welcome to your worst nightmare. I know you're in there, Cosmo Kramer, Apartment 5b. You're in big trouble now. You've been stealing my business. If you'd like to do this the easy way, open the door now. Or please select the number of seconds you'd like to wait before I break this door down. Please select now.

The Sponge [7.9]

Jerry: She's too good.
George: Too good?
Jerry: I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.
George: I see what you mean.
Jerry: I admire the hell out of the her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Elaine: I just couldn't decide if he was really sponge worthy.

The Gum [7.10]

The Rye [7.11]

Frank: What is this thing, anyway?
Mrs. Ross: It's Cornish game hen.
Frank: What is that? Like a little chicken?
George: It's, uh, it's not a little chicken. [laughs] "Little chicken." It's a game bird.
Frank: Game bird?
George: Yeah.
Frank: What do you mean? Like, you hunt it?
Mr. Ross: Yes...
Frank: How hard could it be to kill this thing?

Frank: Let me understand. You got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So, who's having sex with the hen?
George: Why don't we talk about it another time?
Frank: But you see my point here? You only hear of a hen, a rooster and a chicken. Something's missing!
Mrs. Ross: Something's missing all right.
Mr. Ross: They're all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
Frank: That's perverse!

The Caddy [7.12]

[Message on Jerry's answering machine after being informed of George's death]
Frank Costanza: Jerry, it's Frank Costanza. Steinbrenner's here. George is dead. Call me back.

The Seven [7.13]

Jerry: Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

George: All right, I tell you what. You look like nice people. I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
George: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?

The Cadillac(1) [7.14]

Jack: I don't feel like taking a ride. Do I have to take a ride?
Jerry: He doesn't wanna take a ride.
Morty: Uh-huh.
Jack: What d'you think? I've never ridden in a Cadillac before? Believe me, I've ridden in a Cadillac hundreds of times. Thousands!
Morty: Thousands?
Jack: What? D'you think you're such a big shot now because you got a Cadillac?
Morty: [dissmissive] Ahh!
Jack: [dissmissive] Ahh!
Morty: Do you beleive that guy?
Jerry: [sarcastically] Ahh!

The Cadillac(2) [7.15]

The Shower Head [7.16]

Newman: Look, sister, go get yourself a cup of coffee, all right? Beat it! [pushes Elaine out the door and closes it] All right, now here's the lowdown. Through a certain connection, I've been able to locate some black market shower heads. They're all made in the former Yugoslavia. And from what I hear, the Serbs are fanatic about their showers.
Jerry: Not from the footage I've seen.

Peterman: I know what you're going through. I too once fell under the spell of opium. It was 1979. I was traveling the Yangtzee in search of a Mongolian horsehair vest. I had got to the market after sundown. All of the clothing traders had gone, but a different sort of trader still lurked about. "Just a taste" he said. That was all it took.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, I don't know what's going on here. I am not addicted to anything.
Peterman: Oh, Elaine, the toll road of denial is a long and dangerous one. The price? Your soul. Oh, and by the way, you have till 5:00 to clear out your desk. You're fired.

The Doll [7.17]

George: Susan has this doll collection, and one of the dolls looks exactly like my mother. She likes to sleep with it.
Jerry: Wow. You were in bed with your mother last night?
George: Felt like it. I tell you, this doll is pretty spooky. It's freakin' me out, man.

Kramer: Frank here, he's got his own billiard room.
Frank: Yes, It's, uh, it's... uh, uh... What do you call it, Kramer?
Kramer: A billiard room.
Frank: No, not billiard. Not billiards. It was... come on, already. Come on...
Kramer: What?
Frank: We call it... the, uh...
Kramer: [snaps fingers] "The Place To Be!"
Frank: "The Place To Be!" Yes! It's the place to be.

The Friars Club [7.18]

The Wig Master [7.19]

Jerry: Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you asking him out?
Jessie: Yeah... I guess you could say that..
Jerry: Right in front of me! How do you know we're not together? Two guys sitting, laughing, drinking "Champagne Coolies."

Jerry: I'm telling you right now, Elaine, this guy's gonna dangle that dress in front of you like a dirt farmer dangles a carrot in front of a mule.

The Calzone [7.20]

Steinbrenner: [after smelling the calzones] Constanza is in the building! And he's not in his office! Constanza! He's got the calzone! I've got you! [runs out of his office]

Kramer: Hey, buddy. I am waiting for my shirt.
Jerry: You got your shirt in my oven?
Kramer: I didn't have any quarters for the dryer. Anyway, this is better. And it's more convenient.
Jerry: For both of us.
Kramer: And I have a lot more control. I have one shirt going for ten minutes at 325 degrees.
Jerry: What's wrong with your oven?
Kramer: I am baking a pie!

The Bottle Deposit(1) [7.21]

Kramer: Newman, you magnificent bastard, you've done it!

The Bottle Deposit(2) [7.22]

Farmer's daughter: No, Daddy, don't hurt him! I love him! Goodbye, Norman! Goodbye!

The Wait Out [7.23]

Kramer: [fixing up his pants] Yeah... Look at this, Mickey. These pants are fallin' apart, huh?
Jerry: You know, when I first met you, Kramer, you used to wear jeans all the time.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I was a different man then.
Jerry: With a different body.
Kramer: Hey, I got the body of a... taut, preteen Swedish boy.

The Invitations [7.24]

Susan: Since when do you smoke?
George: [coughs] I've always smoked.
Susan: I've never seen you smoke.
George: Oh, yeah? Well, I quit smokin.' I [coughs] gave it up for a w- [cough] while, but it was too tough. Y' know, [cough] I got no will power.
Susan: I don't like this one bit.
George: Well[coughs] I can't stop now [coughs] I'm addicted... [coughing, wretching] they got a hold of me.
Susan: Well, you are gonna have to quit.
George: Oh, God! [runs to the bathroom]

George: I put a lot of thought into this, and I think I would like you to sign a prenuptial agreement.
Susan: A pre-nup?
George: Yeah. [Susan laughs] What's so funny?
Susan: Hahahaha... You don't have any money. I make more money than you do. Haha. Yeah, give me the papers. I'll sign 'em.

Season 8

The Foundation [8.1]

Peterman: You may know it better as Myanmar, but it'll always be Burma to me.

Kramer: What's wrong?
Elaine: Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma and now he wants me to run the catalog.
Kramer: Where?
Jerry: Myanmar.
Kramer: What's that? The discount pharmacy?

The Soul Mate [8.2]

Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,
And fondled his muscled heart.
He imbibed her glistening spell,
Just before the other shoe fell.

The Bizarro Jerry [8.3]

[Jerry, George, and Kramer meet their "doubles" for the first time]
Elaine: Jerry, George, Kramer. This is Kevin, Gene, and Feldman.
Jerry: This is really weird..

The Little Kicks [8.4]

George: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?!
George: It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.

Frank: My son George isn't smart enough to hatch a scheme like this!
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I'd drop you like a sack of dirt.
Frank: You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!

The Package [8.5]

Kramer: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Van Nostrand from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes' chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's, uh, very bad, very messy.
Attendant: I see. And what clinic is that again?
Kramer: That is correct.
Attendant: Excuse me?
Kramer: The Hoffer Mandolf Neo Clinic in Belgium.
Attendant: Really?
Kramer: The Netherlands?

Jerry : What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
Kramer : That's right . Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund.
Kramer : You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer : It's just a write-off for them.
Jerry : How is it a write-off ?
Kramer : They just write it off.
Jerry : Write it off what?
Kramer : Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry : You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer : Do you?
Jerry : No. I don't.
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off.

The Fatigues [8.6]

Bania: Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

Kramer: You know Frank, you could take a break.
Frank: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.

The Checks [8.7]

Jerry: [pointing toward the guy] See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.
Elaine: Uh huh.
Jerry: I invented that.

The Chicken Roaster [8.8]

Jerry: Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
Newman: I love broccoli. It's... good for you.
Jerry: Then maybe you'd like to try a piece?
Newman: Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!

The Abstinence [8.9]

Mrs. Wilky: We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man’s a goblin.

The Andrea Doria [8.10]

Jerry: You had more bread?
Elaine: That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.

Alan: So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up?
Elaine: What breakup? We went out on one date.
Alan:: Okay, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say.
Elaine: All right, good. Good.
Alan: Okay, then, well, so... see ya around... big head.
Elaine: Pardon?
Alan: You got a big head. It's too big for your body.
Elaine: That's it? That's the best you got?

The Little Jerry [8.11]

Jerry: Little Jerry's a lean mean peckin' machine!

Kramer: The whole fight lasted two seconds!
Jerry: How long do they usually la—
Kramer: About five seconds.

The Money [8.12]

George: You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?
Jerry: Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.
George: 20 years... that long?
Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
George: Unfortunately, yes.
Jerry: How's your family history?
George: I have an aunt that died at age seven.
Jerry: Really?
George: Aunt Baby.

The Comeback [8.13]

George: Listen to the comeback: 'Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you.'
[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
George: Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, 'Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent.'?
George: What does that mean?
Jerry: Hey, here you go: 'Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six.'
George: No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.

Reilly: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
George: Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you!
Reilly: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!
George: ..Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
McAdam: His wife is in a coma..

The Van Buren Boys [8.14]

The Susie [8.15]

George: [on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero]
Believe it or not,
George isn't at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone,
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I'm not home.

The Pothole [8.16]

Newman (While driving his car that is dragging Elaine's sewing machine on the road over the two lane highway after Kramer accidentally spills flamable paint thinner): You're once, twice, three times a-(Truck goes on fire)AAAAAH!!!! Oh the humanity!

The English Patient [8.17]

Lisa: How could you not love that movie?
Elaine: How about, it sucked?

The Nap [8.18]

Hal: I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store.
Elaine: Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back In Business", or "Good Vertibrations".
Hal: Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".

[kid is looking through telescope across East River into New York with his father beside him]
Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.

The Yada Yada [8.19]

Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

[The phone rings.]
Jerry: Hello?
Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to The New York Times?
Jerry: Yes. [hangs up]

The Millennium [8.20]

Jerry: Good meeting?
George: There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.
Jerry: You can do that.
George: Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time. You know, uh, I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying "Wow! Now that guy got canned!"

George: Attention, Steinbrenner and front office morons: your triumphs mean nothing. You all stink. You can spit on it and rethink.

The Muffin Tops [8.21]

George: When do you start to worry about ear hair?
Jerry: When you hear like a soft rustling.

Jerry: So you're pretending to be a tourist?
George: It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.

The Summer of George [8.22]

George: I hereby declare this summer the summer of George!

George: Severance package...The Yankees are giving me three months full pay for doing nothing.
Jerry: They did it for three years. What's another few months?

Season 9

The Butter Shave [9.1]

George: What is Holland?
Jerry: What do you mean, "What is it?" It's a country right next to Belgium.
George: No, that's the Netherlands.
Jerry: Holland is the Netherlands.
George: Then who are the Dutch?

[Elaine and Puddy going to Europe for a month.]
Kramer: A month in Europe with Elaine? That guy's coming home in a body bag.

The Voice [9.2]

Dean Jones: I've been reviewing Darren's internship journal. Doing laundry, mending chicken wire, high tea with a Mr. Newman?
Kramer: Well, it all sounds pretty glamorous, but it's business as usual at Kramerica.
Dean Jones: Far as I can tell, your entire enterprise is little more than a solitary man with a messy apartment which may or may not contain a chicken.
Kramer: And with Darren's help, we'll get that chicken!

Jerry: So, what’s going on?
George: Siege mentality, Jerry. They really want me out of here. They’ve downgraded me to some sort of a bunker. I’m like Hitler’s last days here.
Jerry: So, are you going to leave?
George: Oh, no! I’m vigilant. They’ll never get me out. I’m like a weed, Jerry.
Jerry: I thought you’re like Hitler in the bunker?
George: I’m a weed in Hitler’s bunker.
Jerry: I’m getting a little uncomfortable with the Hitler stuff.

The Serenity Now [9.3]

Frank: Serenity now! Serenity now!
George: What is that?
Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say "Serenity now!"
George: Are you supposed to yell it?
Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

Jerry: Hello? Yeah, this is Jerry Seinfeld. No, no, no, I do not want to stop over in Cincinnati. Well, then you upgrade me. That's right, you should thank me. Goodbye. [Hangs up] Hey, I'm flyin' first class.
Elaine: Where did that come from?
Jerry: Patty showed me how to get mad. You gotta problem with that?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: Good.

The Blood [9.4]

Jerry: What is this?
Kramer: We're making sausages.
Jerry: I thought you were gonna watch a video.
Kramer: Well, yeah... An instructional video on how to make your own sausages.

The Junk Mail [9.5]

Woman: [indicating Kramer's dummy] Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
Kramer: Because we are blind to their tyranny.
Woman: Then shouldn't you be wearing the bucket?

The Merv Griffin Show [9.6]

Kramer: Hey, Jerry! Come in here a sec! Hey!
Jerry: Oh, my God!
Kramer: It's the Merv Griffin set!
Jerry: How did you get this in here?
Kramer: Oh, you just bring it in sideways and hook it.
Jerry: So where are you gonna sleep?
Kramer: Yeah... backstage.

George: [watching his home movies] Oh! Don't look. This is where they change me.
Jerry: Weren't you, like, eight years old?
George: I was seven and a half!

The Slicer [9.7]

Kramer: I've sliced meat so thin, you couldn't see it.
Elaine: How did you know?
Kramer: I guess I just assumed.

The Betrayal [9.8]

George: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!

Elaine: He schnapped me!

The Apology [9.9]

Kramer: You went to the coffee shop withhout me? I told ya, I just wanted to hop in the shower.
Jerry: That was an hour ago. What were you doing in there?
Kramer: Showering. How long does it take you?
Jerry: Ten minutes.
Kramer: Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Hey Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower?
Elaine: Ten minutes.
Kramer: Let me smell you.
Elaine: All right. Whiff away.
Kramer: [after delicately sniffing Elaine] Uh... that's not bad at all.

The Strike [9.10]

Jerry: They're cloning sheep now.
Kramer: No, they're not cloning sheep. It's the same sheep! I saw Harry Blackstone do that trick with two goats and a handkerchief on the old Dean Martin show!

Frank: It's Christmas for some, a Festivus for the rest of us!!

The Dealership [9.11]

Jerry: Hey George, I'm buyin' this car!
George: Shh. What is wrong with you? You never tell them you like the car! You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here!

Jerry: So, Puddy, this is a pretty good move for you, huh? No more "grease monkey".
David Puddy: I don't much care for that term.
Jerry: Oh. Sorry, I didn't know...
David Puddy: No, I don't know too many monkeys who could take apart a fuel injector.
Jerry: I saw one once that could do sign language.
David Puddy: Yeah, I saw that one. Uh... Koko.
Jerry: Yeah, Koko.
David Puddy: Right, Koko. That chimp's all right. High-five.

The Reverse Peephole [9.12]

Kramer: Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our door so you can see in.
Elaine: Why?
Newman: To prevent an ambush.
Kramer: Yeah, so now I can peek to see if anyone is waiting to jack me with a sock full of pennies.
Jerry: But then anyone can just look in and see you.
Kramer: Our policy is, we're comfortable with our bodies. You know, if someone wants to help themselves to an eyeful, well, we say "Enjoy the show."

The Cartoon [9.13]

Jerry: You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?
George: Ah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face... hmm, her eyes, her mouth, nose...
Elaine: We know what a face consists of.

The Strongbox [9.14]

Maura: Ew, Mr. Apple, you have a brown spot!

The Wizard [9.15]

George: What's that?
Jerry: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.
George: How much was it?
Jerry: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.
George: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?
Jerry: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street. Maybe it's hot — that's his favorite.

Jerry: House in the Hamptons?
George: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

The Burning [9.16]

Jerry: So Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.
Elaine: "It's me"? Isn't that a little premature?
Jerry: I thought so.
Elaine: She's not a me. I'm a me.
George: I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

The Bookstore [9.17]

Jerry: That guy: swarm, swarm!

The Frogger [9.18]

Jerry: Hey, look at the high score. "G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?
George: Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in, like, ten years.
Jerry: I remember that night.
George: The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella... just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...
Mario: Here's your pizza, pea brains.
Jerry: I think I remember why we stopped coming here.

George: Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this "Frogger" high score, that's it for me.

The Maid [9.19]

Kramer: [on the phone] Hey, I'm on First and... First. How can the same street intersect with itself? I must be at the nexus of the universe.

The Puerto Rican Day [9.20]

Man: Hey! There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag!
Bob: Who! Who is burning the flag?!
Kramer: Oh, no.
Bob: Him?
Cedric: That's not very nice.

Jerry: See ya around, Maroon Golf! Oh and by the way, that was a "I'm not sorry wave"?
Maroon Golf: What was that?
Jerry: I'm glad I cut you off! Because Black Saab rules! So long, jackass!

The Clip Show (1) [9.21]

Jerry: [to audience] Oh, hello. Nine years: seems like a long time, doesn't it? It is, and we've packed a lot in the four of us. It seems like every week a whole new set of problems would just crop up outta nowhere... except for summer where nothing seemed to happen for months at a time.

The The Clip Show (2) [9.22]

The Finale (1) [9.23]

[Newman is begging Jerry to take him to Paris.]
Newman: Please! Take me with you! Please!
Jerry: Get off me! You're making me sick! Be a man!
Newman: All right! But hear me and hear me well. The day will come — oh, yes, mark my words, Seinfeld — your day of reckoning is coming, when an evil wind will blow through your little play world and wipe that smug smile off your face. And I'll be there in all my glory, watching, watching as it all comes crumbling down!

George: [as the plane is about to crash] Jerry! Can you hear me?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: There's something I have to tell you!
Jerry: What is it?
George: I cheated in the contest!
Jerry: What?
George: The contest! I cheated!
Jerry: What? Why?
George: Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.
Jerry: Great! I won!

The Finale (2) [9.24]

Hoyt: State your name.
Soup Nazi: Yev Kassem.
Hoyt: Could you spell that?
Soup Nazi: No! Next question.

Jerry: See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.
George: Really?
Jerry: Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it: it's too high, it's in no-man's land.
George: Haven't we had this conversation before?
Jerry: You think?
George: I think we have.
Jerry: Yeah, maybe we have.

External links

Wikipedia has an article about:

Simple English

Format Sitcom
Created by Larry David
Jerry Seinfeld
Starring Jerry Seinfeld
Jason Alexander
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Michael Richards
Country of origin United States
No. of episodes 180 (including two-part episodes)
Executive producer(s) Larry David
Howard West
George Shapiro
Andrew Scheinman Jerry Seinfeld
Running time 21 Minutes (syndication),
22 Minutes (original)
Original channel NBC
Original run July 5, 1989May 14, 1998
External links
Official website

Seinfeld was an American television series. The series is thought by many people to be a great situation comedy. It was created by Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David and ran from 1989 to 1998. Jerry Seinfeld plays as himself.



  • Jerry Seinfeld (himself) - He's a professional comedian. He lives in a rented apartment located in New York. Jerry always gets into strange situations and funny events with his friends.
  • George Costanza (Jason Alexander) - A real estate agent, Jerry's best friend. He is very neurotic and always afraid that nobody likes him.
  • Elaine Bennes (Julia Louis-Dreyfuss) - Elaine is Jerry's ex-girlfriend. But they are still friends and always spending time together. Elaine always has trouble finding a good boyfriend.
  • Cosmo Kramer(Kessier from the first episode) (Michael Richards) - He lives in the apartment next to Jerry's. Kramer is very tall and his hair always stands upwards. He is a strange sort of person and always has ideas nobody else has.
  • Newman (Wayne Knight) - Jerry's main antagonist who's a very close friend of Kramer. Newman is a lazy mailman.
  • Susan Ross (Heidi Swedberg) - George's girlfriend in season 4 and his fiancee in season 7. George hates being with her.
  • Frank and Estelle Costanza (Jerry Stiller, Estelle Harris, and John Randoplh) - The parents of George. He hates them very much.

Things said on series

Here are some things first said on Seinfeld that people say all the time now:

  • Yadda Yadda Yadda
  • Not there's anything wrong with that
  • Man Hands
  • Double-dip
  • No soup for you!
  • These pretzels are making me thirsty.
  • Close talker, low talker, and other simlar sayings


  • Seasons 1 & 2
  • Season 3
  • The Regift Edition Boxed Set

Other websites

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