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Spaceballs

Movie poster
Directed by Mel Brooks
Produced by Mel Brooks
Written by Mel Brooks
Thomas Meehan
Ronny Graham
Starring Mel Brooks
John Candy
Rick Moranis
Bill Pullman
Daphne Zuniga
Dick Van Patten
George Wyner
Michael Winslow
Joan Rivers
Music by John Morris
Cinematography Nick McLean
Editing by Conrad Buff
Studio Brooksfilms
Distributed by Metro-Goldwyn Mayer
Release date(s) June 24, 1987
Running time 96 minutes
Country United States
Language English
Budget US $22,700,000 (estimated)
Gross revenue $38,119,483

Spaceballs is a 1987 science fiction parody film co-written, directed by, and starring Mel Brooks. It was released on June 24, 1987, and earned only modest returns, but has gone on to become a seminal cult classic[1] on video. Its plot and characters contain numerous parodies of elements primarily from the original Star Wars trilogy, as well as Star Trek and other popular science fiction films.

Contents

Synopsis

Planet Spaceball, led by President Skroob (Mel Brooks), has wasted all of its air and, desperate to find more, plans the extraction of all the air from planet Druidia. They plan to kidnap the Druish Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga), who is about to marry the narcoleptic Prince Valium (Jim J. Bullock). Resenting this marriage, Vespa runs off from the altar with her Droid of Honor, Dot Matrix (Joan Rivers/Lorene Yarnell), and escapes into space, where she is attacked by the Spaceballs under the command of Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis).

Vespa's father, King Roland (Dick Van Patten), hires Captain Lone Starr (Bill Pullman) and his mawg (half-man, half dog) sidekick Barf (John Candy), who are desperate for money to pay back their debts to the Mafioso Pizza the Hutt (Dom DeLuise), to rescue his daughter. Aboard their Eagle V, Lone Starr and Barf save Vespa and Dot, and distract the Spaceballs by literally jamming a radar hub on their flagship, Spaceball One, and then escaping by entering light speed. In response, Spaceball One pursues by attempting to go faster, but end up traveling at "ludicrous speed" and overshoots Eagle V. Upon exiting hyperspeed, the heroes realize they have run out of fuel and crash-land on the desert "Moon of Vega". There, they meet Yogurt (Mel Brooks), who introduces Lone Starr to The Schwartz and the audience to the film's merchandising (which is prevalent throughout the film henceforth). However, the Spaceballs, having discovered their location by using an "instant cassette" of the movie itself, trick Vespa and capture her again, taking her to their capital city. Lone Starr and Barf rescue the Princess again, but not before the Spaceballs have succeeded in forcing King Roland to reveal the entry code to Druidia's atmosphere (1, 2, 3, 4, 5).

Spaceball One, upon arriving at Planet Druidia, transforms into Mega Maid with a vacuum cleaner, which starts to extract the air from the planet. Lone Starr uses his Schwartz ring to reverse the procedure, and sneaks through Mega Maid's ear to the central brain area of the ship to activate the self-destruct button. As he is about to press the button, Dark Helmet appears and challenges him to fight. They proceed to duel using lightsaber-like weapons emanating from their Schwartz rings, until Dark Helmet tricks Lone Starr into losing his ring. Yogurt then speaks to Lone Starr, convincing him he doesn't need the ring to use the Schwartz. Using this advice, Lone Starr summons a mirror to reflect Dark's attack and inadvertently press the self-destruct button, causing chaos aboard the ship as Mega Maid counts down to self-destruction. The heroes then escape as Dark Helmet, President Skroob and Col. Sandurz (George Wyner), failing to make it to any of the escape pods in time, look on in horror. The resulting explosion causes the three along with parts of Mega Maid to crash-land on a neighboring planet, much to the horror of its simian residents.

Lone Starr returns the Princess to Druidia and leaves without taking the agreed payment of one million spacebucks after learning that Pizza the Hut ate himself to death. After disgustedly leaving a space café after an alien bursts from the stomach of a customer, Lone Starr offers a snack to Barf who is still hungry. Barf opens a fortune cookie (originally given to Lone Starr by Yogurt) to discover that Lone Starr is a "soitified (certified) Prince", and they return in time to interrupt the marriage, and for Lone Starr to marry Princess Vespa.

Cast

Actor Role
Mel Brooks President Skroob/Yogurt
John Candy Barfolomew (Barf)
Rick Moranis Lord Dark Helmet
Bill Pullman Captain Lone Starr
Daphne Zuniga Princess Vespa of Druidia
George Wyner Colonel Kernel Sandurz
Dick Van Patten King Roland, Ruler of Druidia
Leslie Bevis Commanderette Zircon
Michael Winslow Radar Technician
Joan Rivers Dot Matrix (voice)
Lorene Yarnell Dot Matrix (body)
Jim J. Bullock Prince Valium
Dom DeLuise Pizza the Hutt (voice)
John Hurt Himself (in a parody of his character from Alien)
Dey Young Waitress
Tommy Swerdlow Troop leader

Reception

Box office

The budget for Spaceballs was $22,700,000 (estimated). The film grossed $38,119,483 during its run in the United States, taking in $6,600,000 on its opening weekend.[2]

Reception

The film received mixed reviews from critics. Rotten Tomatoes reported that 62% of critics gave positive reviews based on 20 reviews with an average rating of 6.2/10.[3] At another review aggregator, Metacritic, which assigns a normalized rating out of 100 top reviews from mainstream critics, the film received an average score of 46%, based on 14 reviews.[4] Many critics agreed that, while it was funny, doing a Star Wars parody ten years after the original film had been released seemed slightly pointless. Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times gave the film 2.5 stars out of 4 remarked "I enjoyed a lot of the movie, but I kept thinking I was at a revival. (Spaceballs) should have been made several years ago, before our appetite for Star Wars satires had been completely exhausted."[5]

In spite of this, Spaceballs is one of Brooks's most popular movies, and maintains a strong cult following. On the RT Community, Rotten Tomatoes users gave the film an 80% approval rating based on 1117 reviews.[6]

Soundtrack releases

When the film was released, Spaceballs: The Soundtrack was also released on Atlantic Records, featuring many of the songs heard in the film, as well as three score cues by composer John Morris.

For the "19th Anniversary", La-La Land Records released a "limited edition" CD presenting the score in its entirety for the first time, with bonus tracks featuring alternate takes and tracks composed for, but not used in the film.[7]

Parodies

Heroes

  • Captain Lone Starr combines traits from Star Wars' two male heroes, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. His name is derived from Isaac Asimov's Lucky Starr series and the Lone Star of Texas. He is the protagonist of the film. He hails from the Ford Galaxy, in reference to Harrison Ford (who played Han Solo), and also a play on the Ford Galaxie, a car made by the Ford Motor Company. Lone Starr is revealed as being a prince from an unknown kingdom at the end of the film. Exactly where in the Ford Galaxy he's from has to this day never been revealed. The only clue to his true identity was a pendant that later turned out to be 'a royal birth certificate', according to Yogurt; by film's end, the pendant is what allows him to marry Vespa. A further clue is hinted at: just before their fight, Dark Helmet reveals to Lone Starr that he is "[his] father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate", but then immediately admits this kinship means "absolutely nothing". Lone Starr's costume is intentionally misplaced, resembling Harrison Ford's Indiana Jones costume (he is seen wearing a fedora in his first scene, which is set aside and not seen for the remainder of the film) rather than that of Han Solo or Luke Skywalker.
  • His companion Barf (Barfolomew), a mawg (half-man, half-dog), is a parody of the Wookiee Chewbacca (Chewie). Notably, in Russian translation "a mawg" was rendered as "chelobakka", a portmanteau of words "chelovek" (a man) and "sobaka" (a dog) also spoofing the name Chewbacca. Similar to this the German translation uses the term "Möter" which also is a combination of "Mensch" (man) and "Köter" (mutt). Unlike Chewbacca though, Barf speaks perfect English.
  • Their ship Eagle 5 is a modified Winnebago RV. Its shabby state resembles the Millennium Falcon (Near the end of the movie, outside the Galaxy Grill, the Millennium Falcon itself can be seen). The seal for the Eagle 5 is an altered parody of the Apollo 11 patch. The bumper sticker says "I ♥ Uranus."
  • Yogurt, a parody of the Jedi master Yoda (named after the food yogurt), is a sage with deep knowledge of the mysterious power called The Schwartz (The Force). His bombastic entrance resembles that of the wizard in The Wizard of Oz. Like many characters played by Mel Brooks, he embodies several Jewish stereotypes.
  • He is assisted in his work, particularly merchandising, by the Dinks, a group of red-clad little people who resemble the Jawas from Star Wars while making sounds similar to the Seven Dwarfs (Lone Starr even asks, "When did we get to Disneyland?") and singing a version of the "Colonel Bogey March" from The Bridge on the River Kwai.

Druidians

  • Princess Vespa resembles Princess Leia Organa in her noble heritage and her love/hate relationship with Lone Starr/Han Solo. Her name references the motor scooter Vespa. She is a Druish princess (a play on Jewish princess), a caricature of a spoiled young Jewish-American woman. She was spoiled by her father and is used to a life of luxury, which includes a Mercedes Benz spaceship. Her hooked nose was changed by rhinoplasty as a 16th birthday present. In one scene, she appears to have a hairstyle similar to Princess Leia in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, but it is revealed that she is actually wearing headphones.
  • Dot Matrix, Vespa's droid-of-honor, resembles C-3PO, whose placid nature is only broken by her dedication to keeping Vespa safe, and maintaining Vespa's virginity. Her name is a reference to the old dot matrix style printers.
  • Prince Valium, the last (known) prince in the galaxy and Vespa's fiancé. He takes his name from the comic strip Prince Valiant but combines it with the sedative drug to reflect his narcolepsy. Dot also refers to him as "a pill".

Spaceballs

  • President Skroob, though in the place of Star Wars's Emperor Palpatine, appears more like a modern president without any supernatural powers. His name is an anagram of "Brooks", but also resembles the verb to screw (to cheat) and Ebenezer Scrooge.
  • Dark Helmet, the Space Balls' second-in-command, is an obvious parody of Darth Vader. He resembles Darth Vader in appearance, but is much shorter, has a much larger helmet, and wears a tie (however, he changes into a khaki uniform and an equally oversized pith helmet during the desert scene). He serves as the central antagonist of the film. He speaks in a deep bass voice and breathes audibly, as the helmet hinders his breathing. This often causes him to lift his visor, revealing his bespectacled face and his intentionally normal voice. Helmet is the commander of the Spaceballs' "Imperious Forces" (a parody of the Imperial Forces in Star Wars, as well as the Imperious Leader from Battlestar Galactica), and commands the flagship Spaceball One (see below). He uses The Schwartz to discipline his subordinates, not by force grip (as with Darth Vader) but by crushing their testicles with the Schwartz. He enjoys playing with Spaceballs dolls, taking special pleasure in acting out a scenario in which he seduces Princess Vespa, but is embarrassed when anyone notices his playing. Vader's relationship to his nemesis Luke Skywalker is parodied by Helmet declaring himself Lone Starr's "father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate." which he sums up as making them "absolutely nothing".
  • Colonel Sandurz[8] is a parody of the leading Imperial Officers from Star Wars, such as Veers and Piett or Grand Moff Tarkin. 'Colonel' is his rank, however, 'Kernel' is his real name. His name is a pun on KFC's founder Colonel Sanders. (At one point, Dark Helmet taunts him into action, saying, "What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?")
  • Snotty, who operates the transporter beam in planet Spaceball's capital city, is a reference to Star Trek's engineer Scotty. His thick Scottish accent, stereotypical Scottish attire (kilt and tam o'shanter) and his referring to "Loch Lomond" also point to Snotty's Scottish background.
  • Major Asshole and Gunner's Mate First Class Philip Asshole are two cross-eyed Spaceballs serving aboard the Spaceball One, both being generic parodies of Imperial personnel from the Star Wars films — Major Asshole being the officer and Gunner Asshole the gunner respectively. Their family name is a reference to their apparent stupidity. When asked how many Assholes are on the ship, nearly everyone on the bridge raises their hands and yells out "Yo!", leading Dark Helmet to exclaim, "I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes!" as well as "keep firing, Assholes!" (In the edited for T.V. version, the word "asshole" is replaced with "moron".)
  • Commanderette Zircon is a dominating female Spaceball officer and the head of Central Control in Spaceball City. She perpetually keeps in touch with President Skroob via a Videophone (even, in one notable scene, when he is in the bathroom). Like Sandurz, she appears to be a parody of various Imperial officers, but may possibly be a parody of dominant female characters such as Maya from Space: 1999.
  • The Captain of the Guard is an effeminate officer who appears briefly as the Head of Security of Spaceball City, and accidentally captures the stunt-doubles of the heroes.
  • Radar Operator: The man who operates the radar is able to mimic realistic sound effects with his voice, much like many other Winslow characters, in particular the character Larvell Jones in the Police Academy franchise.

Spaceball One

The Spaceballs' weapon of conquest, Spaceball One, is a powerful spaceship. The opening scene is an homage to the opening scene of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope with the ridiculously long, wide angle continuous shot of Spaceball One. The length of the ship may also be an homage to the Nostromo of Alien and to the Discovery of 2001: A Space Odyssey. Its shape resembles Battlestar Galactica and the Super Star Destroyers, while its name is a pun on Air Force One, the U.S. president's airplane. The Spaceballs' attitude toward others is expressed by the ship's large bumper sticker: "We brake for nobody." In the DVD commentary, Mel Brooks mentions that he wanted the introductorty 'spaceship' scene to be much longer, but changed his mind when it was pointed out that at the length he wanted, that one scene would become the entire movie.

The ship's absurd size is a frequent point of references:

  • The ship is so large that it contains a shopping mall, a zoo, and a three-ring circus (complete with a freak show).
  • The ship takes about 1 minute and 38 seconds to cross the screen at the beginning of the film. This is emphasized by the music theme (based on the musical theme from Jaws) which stops and resumes again several times, each time growing louder and louder, implying that the orchestra is getting frustrated with the ship's seemingly endless length.
  • President Skroob is once forced to jog to the bridge in order to arrive before the end of the film. He references this by saying "[This] ship is too big. If I walk, the movie'll be over."

Spaceball One is capable of traveling at four different speeds: sub-light speed, light speed, ridiculous speed, and ludicrous speed. When going into ludicrous speed all crew members must use a seat belt for their own safety. Ludicrous speed results in the ship leaving a trail of plaid, parodying the "warp trail" seen in the first few Star Trek films and 2001.

Spaceball One's secret weapon is its ability to transform, in parody of various transforming robot toys (Barf describes it as "a Transformer"), into Mega Maid, a colossal cleaning woman holding a gigantic vacuum cleaner used to extract air from other planets and take it back to planet Spaceball. It can also reverse that process, expelling air, going from suck to blow. When Spaceball One begins to undergo its metamorphosis into "Mega Maid," Dark Helmet exclaims "Ready, Kafka?", an allusion to Franz Kafka's novella The Metamorphosis.

The ship's destruction resembles the destruction of the Death Star in Star Wars: Return of the Jedi—Lone Starr's ship flies through Mega Maid's ear to reach the self-destruct button. It resembles how the Rebel Alliance in Star Wars entered the Death Star through a hole in order to reach the core and destroy it. Mega Maid's head and the hand holding the vacuum cleaner crash into a nearby planet, with the pieces resembling the Statue of Liberty as seen in the final scene of Planet of the Apes.

Other villains

  • Pizza the Hutt, named after the pizza restaurant chain, is a half-man, half-Pizza Mafioso and a parody of Jabba the Hutt. The voice of Pizza the Hutt is performed by Dom DeLuise.
  • His companion Vinnie, taking the place of the various courtiers and associates of Jabba, such as Bib Fortuna. He resembles a stereotypical gangster with an outlandish costume, and exhibits stuttering speech patterns and mannerisms similar to Max Headroom.

Other parodies

  • John Hurt appears in the scene in the restaurant when the alien bursts out of his stomach. The same thing happened to Hurt's character in Alien. In this case, after the alien bursts out of his stomach, Hurt's character mutters despairingly "Oh no, not again!" The alien then dons a straw boater hat and bamboo cane, and dances off and sings "Hello! Ma Baby" à la Michigan J. Frog from the cartoon One Froggy Evening, thus causing Lone Star and Barf to say "Check, please!"
  • When Lone Starr, Barf, Dot, and Princess Vespa enter the tomb, Dot gets scared and says, "See ya!" when Yogurt's statue blows out fire. This is a parody of The Wizard of Oz when the Cowardly Lion gets scared and jumps out the window of the Wizard's throne room.

The Schwartz

Primarily, “The Schwartz” is a play on “The Force,” from the 1977 film Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope.

The lightsabers emanating from the Schwartz-rings held in front of the crotch are phallic symbols — a play on the words schwantz/Schwanz, which are Yiddish/German slang for penis.[9] Schwarz (an adjective) is German for “black.”

The Light and Dark sides of the Force are parodied by being called the “up side” and the “down side.” In the first episode of the animated series, the Dark Side is called "The Schwarz side of the Schwartz"

It has also been widely reported that "the Schwartz" is a reference to Mel Brooks' lawyer, Alan U. Schwartz.[10][11][12]

Sequel hoax and animated series

Breaking the fourth wall, the possibility of a sequel was already included in the film itself, with Yogurt's quote: "God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money." In September 2004, news about a sequel, parodying the Star Wars prequel trilogy, appeared on the internet.[13] It was rumored that there was going to be a sequel entitled Spaceballs 3: The Search for Spaceballs 2, but the sequel turned out to be a hoax.

In January 2005, it was revealed that Spaceballs would be turned into an animated television show.[14] On September 21, 2006, Mel Brooks announced that he was developing an animated TV series based on Spaceballs, which debuted in September 2008.[15] The show, Spaceballs: The Animated Series, premiered on the Canadian Super Channel and the American cable channel G4.

In 1989 the movie Martians Go Home was distributed in the Italian market as Balle Spaziali 2 - La vendetta (Balle Spaziali being the localized title of Spaceballs) [16].

See also

References

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Spaceballs is a 1987 science fiction spoof in which Planet Spaceball's President Skroob sends Lord Dark Helmet to steal Planet Druidia's abundant supply of air to replenish their own, and only Lone Starr can stop them. The film parodies Star Wars, Star Trek, and The Wizard of Oz, among others.

Directed by Mel Brooks. Written by Mel Brooks, Thomas Meehan, and Ronny Graham.
May the schwartz be with you.Taglines

Contents

Opening credits

  • [in tiny print]: If you can read this, you don't need glasses.

Dark Helmet

  • [choking and gagging; pulls up mask] I can't breathe in this thing!
  • So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
  • Yogurt! Yogurt! [referring to the character] I hate Yogurt! Even with Strawberries!
  • You have the ring. And I see that your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it.
  • What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
  • [feeling the force of going at Ludicrous Speed] What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!
  • (about the self-destruct cancellation button) "Out of order"? Fuck! Even in the future nothing works!
  • [aiming his Schwartz ring at Lone Starr's crotch] Say goodbye to your two best friends- and I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago!
  • I'll bet [Dr. Philip Schlotckens' nurse] gives great helmet.
  • Commence operation [pause] "Vacu-Suck"!
  • [Mr.Radar has just been "jammed".] There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry: [pulls down helmet as camera zooms in on his face] Lone Starr! [camera slams into his face and knocks him out]
  • I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.
  • Come back here, you fat bearded bitch!
  • [After discovering that most of his ship's crew consists of members of the same Asshole family] I knew it! I'm surrounded by Assholes!(Pulls down his helmet) Keep firing, Assholes!
  • [After Colonel Sandurz tells him to buckle up for Ludicrous Speed] Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous Speed! Go!
  • 1-2-3-4-5? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard of in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
  • Now we'll show her who is in charge of this galaxy. [A soldier volunteers, but Helmet stops him] Hold it...I'll handle this personally. [Soldier: Jawohl, Lord Hemlet!] So Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner and you will be held captive until such time as all the air is transferred from your planet... to ours. [opens door, but finds nothing, then lifts helmet] She's not in there!
  • Shit! I hate it when I get my Schwartz twisted!

President Skroob

  • 1, 2, 3, 4, 5? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
  • [On why he was running down the bridge] The ship is too big. If I walk, the movie'll be over.
  • Sandurz, Sandurz! You got to help me! I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions! I'm a president!
  • [After beaming to the bridge, his head is on backwards] Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big?!
  • [Commanderette Zircon calls him on a video monitor in his bathroom] I told you never to call me on this wall! This is an unlisted wall!
  • One pod left and three of us, and I'm the president. Well boys it's a very lovely ship, I think you should go down with it. Goodbye. What the hell's wrong with this seatbelt? AHHH! (referring to the bear that was already in the seat)
  • [When the self-destruct siren is going off] "What is this, Paris?!?"

Lone Starr

  • Take only what you need to survive.
  • On this ship, you are to refer to me as "idiot," not "you captain"! I mean - you know what I mean!
  • Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time.
  • [waking up on the Tatooine-like moon of Vega and surrounded by the Dinks] ...Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?
  • [Talking to Barf after King Roland calls them to rescue Vespa] We're not just doing it for money...We're doing it for a shitload of money!
  • Just what we need... a Druish Princess!

Barf

  • Look your highness, it's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just that we've got this thing about death; it's not us.
  • I'm a Maug. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.
  • [Indicating the suitcases] It's her royal highness's matched luggage!
  • Funny, she doesn't look Druish.
  • [After Vespa blows away a group of Spaceballs] Holy shit!
  • Well, normally I would-- [tries to get up with his seatbelt still on] Oooh! That's gonna leave a mark. [According to Mel Brooks, stated on the DVD commentary, the line "Oooh! That's gonna leave a mark." was improvised by John Candy.]

Others

  • King Roland: Please bring her back safely! [pause] And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.
  • King Roland: I'm breathing! Air! Air!!
  • Druidian Priest: Excuse me. I'm trying to conduct a wedding here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet!
  • Druidian Priest: We are here to join these two together in holy--moley!!
  • Dark Helmet, Skroob, and Sandurz: [watching Mega Maid vacuum up Druidia's air] Suck...suck...suck!
  • Captain of the Guard: You idiots! These are not them! You've captured their stunt doubles!
  • Colonel Sandurz: It's Megamaid! She's gone from suck to blow!
  • Colonel Sandurz: [After discovering Dark Helmet playing with dolls] No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
  • Diner Patron: Water, my ass! Get this guy some Pepto Bismol!
  • Dot Matrix: [to Barf on the ladder behind her] Hey! Stop looking up my can!
  • Princess Vespa: It's my industrial-strength hair-dryer, and I can't live without it!
  • Placemat in Diner reads: Spaceballs the Placemat; one of several references to film merchandising.
  • Newsman: On a sadder note, Pizza the Hutt was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death.
  • Vinnie: [To Pizza the Hutt] Mmmmm! You're delicious.
  • Princess Vespa: I'm not shooting this thing! I hate guns! [one of the incoming laser blasts wings her hair] My hair! He shot my hair! That son of a bitch! [Vespa proceeds to blast every guard in one sweep]
  • Bumper sticker on Spaceball One reads: "WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY"
  • Bumper sticker on Eagle 5 reads: "I [heart] URANUS"
  • License plate on Vespa's Mercedes reads: "SPOIL'D ROTT'N I"

Dialogue

Lone Starr: But Yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here?
Yogurt: Moichandising.
Barf: Merchandising? What's that?
Yogurt: Moichandising! Come, I'll show you. [to the Dinks] Open up this door.
[Yogurt walks over to a wall filled with Spaceballs merchandise.]
Yogurt: Heh-heh. Come! We put the picture's name on everything!
[everyone is staring in amazement]
Yogurt: Moichandising! Moichandising! Where the real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs: the T-shirt, Spaceballs: the Coloring Book [holds up a Transformers comic book], Spaceballs: the Lunchbox, Spaceballs: the Breakfast Cereal! Spaceballs: the Flame Thrower!! [fires a blast from flame thrower]
Dinks: Ooohh!
Yogurt: The kids love this one. And last, but not least, Spaceballs: the Doll- me.
[Yogurt squeezes the doll, which says "May the Schwartz be with you!"]
Yogurt: Adorable.

Colonel Sandurz: Once we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.
Dark Helmet: [to audience] Everybody got that? ...Good!

Colonel Sandurz: We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. I'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately.
Rico: I already called him, sir. He knows everything.
Dark Helmet: [stunned, slams down the phone] What!? You went over my helmet?!
Rico: Well, not exactly over it, sir. Uh, more on the side. I'll always call you first, it'll never happen again. Never, ever!
[Dark Helmet puts on Schwartz ring]
Rico: Oh, shit! Oh, no-no-no-no! Please, no-no-no! No, not that! [prepares to clutch his throat thinking that Dark Helmet is going to choke him using the Schwartz]
Dark Helmet: Yes. "That". [fires a blast from his ring that hits Rico's crotch, causing him extreme pain]

[Lone Starr parks the Eagle 5 in an illegal parking space]
Guard 1: Hey, what the hell is that thing?!
Guard 2: Looks like a Winnebago with wings!
Guard 1: Jeez! Hey! You can't park here!
Guard 2: Yeah! Can't you guys read? [gestures to a "No Parking" sign] No parking! [Barf gives him the finger while making kissing noises]
Guard 1: That son of a--! [loads gun; approaches Winnebago] All right, hands up! You're under arrest for illegal parking!
Guard 2: Yeah! [they enter and get knocked unconscious]

[In a subsequent scene, the two guards confront Lone Starr and Barf dressed only in boxers and undershirts, both sporting black eyes.]
Guard 1: Hey, those are the guys who took our uniforms!
Guard 2: And kicked the shit out of us, too!

Lone Starr: I wonder, will we ever see each other again?
Yogurt: Who knows? God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

Lone Starr: Oh, great. That's just what we needed: a Druish princess.
Barf: Funny. She doesn't look Druish.

Computer: 10, 9, 8, 6--
Skroob: 6?! What happened to 7?!
Computer: Just kidding!

Dark Helmet: No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far too powerful.
Sandurz: But sir, what about your ring? Don't you have the Schwartz, too?
Dark Helmet: Naw, he got the upside, I got the downside. See, there's two sides to every Schwartz.

Dark Helmet: Fire a warning shot across her nose.
[Warning shot almost hits Vespa's Benz]
Dark Helmet: Careful, you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!
Crosseyed Gunner: [lifts helmet, revealing that he's crosseyed] Sorry, sir! I'm doing my best!
Dark Helmet: ... Who made that man a gunner?
Crosseyed Major: I did, sir. [also crosseyed] He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: [to Sandurz] Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an Asshole, sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name, sir. Asshole, Major Asshole.
Dark Helmet: ... And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too, sir. Gunner's mate, First Class, Philip Asshole.
Dark Helmet: How many assholes have we got on this ship, anyhow?
[The entire bridge crew, except for one person, stands up and raises a hand.]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it, I'm surrounded by assholes... [Closes helmet] Keep firing, assholes!

Dark Helmet: Never mind, I'll do it myself.
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter with this thing? What's all this churning and bubbling? You call that a radar screen?
Colonel Sandurz: No sir, we call it 'Mr. Coffee'. Care for some?
Dark Helmet: [pause] Yes! I always have coffee when I watch radar. You know that.
Colonel Sandurz: Of course, I do.
Dark Helmet: Everybody knows that!
Crewmen: [covering their crotches] Of course, we do, sir!
Dark Helmet: Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to watch radar. Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: Right here.
[Gestures to a screen labeled "Mr. Radar"]

[Spaceball One is approaching the Eagle 5]
Colonel Sandurz: We're closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours.
Dark Helmet: Good! Prepare to attack!
Colonel Sandurz: Preparing to attack!
Dark Helmet: On the count of three. 1...2...[Eagle 5 goes into hyperspace]Late! What happened? Where are they?!
Colonel Sandurz: I don't know. They must have hyperjets on that thing!
Dark Helmet: And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?!
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir!
Dark Helmet: Well find them, catch them!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes sir! Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No-no-no, light speed is too slow!
Colonel Sandurz: Light speed too slow?
Dark Helmet: Yes, we'll have to go right to... Ludicrous speed!
[The entire crew gasps.]
Colonel Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if this ship can take it!
Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
Colonel Sandurz: [stuttering, sounding much like a chicken] Prepare ship-- [more clearly] Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo--
Dark Helmet: Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! Now hear this! Ludicrous speed--
Colonel Sandurz: Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
Dark Helmet: Aw, buckle this! Ludicrous speed, go!
[Dark Helmet is screaming as he sees various warp trails on the monitor. Meanwhile, there are signs lighting up indicating "LIGHT SPEED", "RIDICULOUS SPEED", and a flashing "LUDICROUS SPEED" sign]
Dark Helmet: What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!
[Spaceball One passes Lone Starr's Winnebago, leaving a trail of plaid light behind them]
Barf: ... What the hell was that?
Lone Starr: Spaceball One.
Barf: They've gone to plaid!
Dark Helmet: We passed 'em! Stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz: We can't stop, it's too dangerous! We have to slow down first!
Dark Helmet: Bullshit! Stop this thing, I order you! Sto-o-o-o-p!
[Colonel Sandurz reaches out and uses the emergency brake, which has a "Never use" warning on it. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet severely.]
Colonel Sandurz: Are you all right, sir?
Dark Helmet: [slightly dazed] Fine. How have you been?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet: Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz: What should we do now, sir?
Dark Helmet: Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz: We're stopped, sir.
Dark Helmet: Good. Why don't we take a five minute break?
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet: Smoke if you got 'em. (Falls over)

Colonel Sandurz: Sir, I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: the Movie.
Corporal searches a Mr. Rental shelf full of Mel Brooks films
Dark Helmet: Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you please? [lifts helmet] How can there be a video cassette of the movie? We're still in the middle of making it!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, but there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.
Dark Helmet: There has?
Colonel Sandurz: Yes! Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished!
Dark Helmet: ... Nah!
Corporal: [Holds up Cassette] Here it is, sir- Spaceballs!

[Dark Helmet and Sandurz come across an image of themselves viewing the screen. As they react, the screen mimics what they are doing]
Dark Helmet: What the hell am I looking at?! When does this happen in the movie?!
Colonel Sandurz: "Now", sir. You're looking at "now". Everything happening now [indicates himself and Helmet] is happening "now". [Indicates the screen]
Dark Helmet: What happened to "then"?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed "then".
Dark Helmet: When!?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. Were at "now," now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to "then"!
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: "Now?"
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why!?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When!?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: ... When will "then" be "now"?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.
Dark Helmet: [backpedals in shock] How soon?
[Corporal rewinds the tape back to scene showing protagonists wandering in desert.]
Corporal: Sir!
Dark Helmet: What?!
Corporal: We have identified their location.
Dark Helmet: Where?!
Corporal: It's the moon of Vega!
Colonel Sandurz: Very good, set a course and prepare for our arrival!
Dark Helmet: [increasingly panicked] When?!
Corporal: 1900 hours!
Colonel Sandurz: By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners!
Dark Helmet: Who?!! [mask falls down]

Skroob: Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years of fresh air.
Dark Helmet: [whispers to Colonel Sandurz] The way he runs things, it won't last a hundred.

Computer: This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.
Skroob: "Cancellation button?" Hurry!
Dark Helmet: Where is it? Where is it?
Colonel Sandurz: It's gotta be here!
[They open a housing, where the button has an "Out of Order" tag on it.]
Dark Helmet: Out of order?! Fuck! Even in the future, nothing works!

[As Lone Starr is about to push the self-destruct button, Dark Helmet appears.]
Dark Helmet: Not so fast, Lone Starr!
Lone Starr: Helmet. So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time. (Thinks about what he has just said, then nods in approval.)
Dark Helmet: Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.
Lone Starr: What?
Dark Helmet: I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate. [1]
Lone Starr: ... What's that make us?
Dark Helmet: Absolutely nothing, which is what you are about to become. Prepare to die.

Dark Helmet: [after accidentally hitting and killing one of the filming crew members with his Schwartzsaber] Uhh... he did it. [points to Lone Starr]
Lone Starr: What?!

[Princess Vespa has just mowed down a full squad of soldiers singlehandedly with a laser rifle]
Barf: Holy shit!
Vespa: How was that?
Lone Starr: Not bad!
Barf: Not bad, for a girl.
Dot Matrix: Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo!
Vespa: Let's blow this joint!

Priest: Who are you?
Barf: I'm the best man.
Priest: What's your name?
Barf: Barf.
Priest: Your full name!
Barf: Barfolomew!
Priest: Are you the one that's getting married?
Barf: No.
Priest: Then get over there!

Priest: Do you?
Vespa: Yes.
Priest: Do you?
Lone Starr: I do.
Priest: Good! You're married! Kiss Her!

[Lone Starr, Barf, Dot Matrix, and Vespa are making a long trek across the desert.]
Lone Starr: Water. Water!
Dot Matrix: Oil. Oil!
Vespa: Room service. Room service!

[Lone Starr and Vespa are about to kiss when Dot Matrix sounds an alarm.]
Dot Matrix: We'll have none of that mister! [to Vespa]: How far did he get? What'd he touch, what'd he touch?
Vespa: Nothing happened!
Lone Starr: [annoyed] What the hell was that?
Dot Matrix: That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you do.

Vespa: Who are you?
Barf: Barf!
Dot Matrix: Not in here, mister! This is a Mercedes!

Dark Helmet: So the combination is one, two, three, four, five? That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life! That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage!
[President Skroob later walks in.]
Skroob: What's the combination?
Colonel Sandurz: One, two, three, four, five.
Skroob: One, two, three, four, five? That's amazing! I've got the same combination on my luggage!
[Colonel Sandurz and Dark Helmet give each other a look.]
Skroob: Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir.
Skroob: And change the combination on my luggage!

Dark Helmet: [imitating Dark Helmet doll] So, Princess Vespa, at last I have you in my clutches, to have my way with you, the way I want to! [Vespa doll] No! No, please, leave me alone! [Helmet Doll] No, you are mine! [Lone Starr doll] Not so fast, Helmet! [Helmet Doll] Lone Starr! [Lone Starr doll] Yes, it's me, and I'm here to save my girlfriend! Hi, honey! [Helmet doll] Now you are going to die! [smacks Lone Starr doll with Dark Helmet doll; Lone Starr Doll] Oh! Oh! Ohh! [Barf doll] Hey, what did you do to my friend?! [Helmet doll] The same thing I'm going to do to you, big boy! [knocks Barf over; Barf doll] Arrgh! Ohh![Helmet doll] And you, too! [Dot doll] Aaargh! [Helmet doll] Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone! [Vespa Doll] No, no, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, leave me alone! And yet, I find you strangely attractive. [Helmet doll] Of course you do. Druish princesses are often attracted to money, and power, and I have both, and you know it! [Vespa doll] No, I hate you, leave me alone! [Helmet doll] No, kiss me! [Vespa doll] No, no, yes. [Helmet doll] No. [Vespa doll] Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, oh, ohh... ohhhh, your helmet is so big. [Colonel Sandurz bursts in]
Colonel Sandurz: Lord Helmet!
[Dark Helmet hurries to hide the dolls.]
Dark Helmet: [shouts] What?!
Colonel Sandurz: You're needed on the bridge, sir!
Dark Helmet: Knock on my door! Knock next time!
Colonel Sandurz: Yes, sir!
Dark Helmet: [pause] ... Did you see anything?
Colonel Sandurz: No, sir! I didn't see you playing with your dolls again!
Dark Helmet: Good!

[Lone Starr sneaks up behind a guard and grabs him by the neck.]
Guard:: [pause] What hell are you doing?
Lone Starr: ... The Vulcan neck pinch?
Guard:: No, no, stupid. You've got it much too high, it's more down here where the shoulder meets the neck!
Lone Starr: [jabs into the correct place] Like this?
Guard: Yeah!
[The guard collapses.]
Lone Starr: Thanks.

Man 1 in diner: We were lost, none of us knew where we were. Then Harry starts 'feeling around on all the trees' and he says... "I got it we on Pluto", I say, 'Harry how can ya tell", and he says, "from the bark, you dummies. Ha-ha! From the bark!"
(John Hurt's character convulses)
Woman in diner: Oh, my God, is he all right?
Man 2 in diner: Get some water!
Man 3 in Diner: Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto Bismol!
(John Hurt starts groaning in pain)
Barf: Waitress! Waitress! What did he order?
Waitress: Oh, he had the special.
Barf: That's that I ordered! Change my order to the soup!
Lone Starr: Good move.
(chestburster emerges)
John Hurt: Oh, no! Not again![2]

Ape Man 1: Dear me. What are those things coming out of her nose?
Dark Helmet: Hey, hey, watch my helmet.
Ape Man 2: Spaceballs?
Ape Man 1: Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

Commanderette Zircon: Shall I have Snotty beam you down, sir?
President Skroob: [Hesitates] I don't know about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?
Commanderette Zircon: Oh, yes sir, Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was wonderful.

[Spaceballs are literally combing the desert]

Colonel Sandurz: Sir?
Dark Helmet: [about to use the bullhorn to the workers uses it on Sandurz instead] What?
Colonel Sandurz: ... Are we being too literal?
Dark Helmet: [through the bullhorn] No you fool, we're following orders- we were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it! [puts down bullhorn] Find anything yet!?
Soldier: Nothing yet, sir!
Dark Helmet: How about you!?
Soldier: Not a thing sir!

[camera pans to two soldiers using an Afro Pick ]

Dark Helmet: What about you guys?
Black soldier: We ain't found shit!

Dark Helmet: [after catching Vespa's car] Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy! [a Spaceball soldier loads his gun] Hold it, I will handle this personally!
Soldier: [stands aside] Jawohl Lord Helmet! [Dark Helmet looks at him, then heads to the car]
Dark Helmet: So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of planet Spaceball, well you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transfered from your planet to ours. [opens door to the car and looks around, he lifts his mask up] She's not in there! [immediately all Spaceball soldiers in the room and Colonel Sandurz drop their guns and cover their crotches]
Radar Man: Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a ... Winnebago.
Dark Helmet: Winnebago...? Lone Starr. [bangs his fist on the car side] Lone Sta-- [car's door slams on top of his helmet]

(Spaceball 1's radar has been literally "jammed".)

Radar Technician: [Through P.A to Col. Sandurz] Sir!
Colonel Sandurz: [as he and Dark Helmet look over] What is it?
Radar Technician: Can I talk to you for a minute, please sir?
[Sandurz and Helmet walk over]
Sandurz: Well?
Radar Technician: [Still through the P.A] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
[Sandurz grabs the microphone the Technichan was just using]
Sandurz: You don't need that, private, we're right here- now what is it?
Radar Technician: [Still through the P.A] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.
[Helmet rips the microphone from the console and throws it aside.]
Dark Helmet: Now what is it?!
Radar Technician: [Normally] I'm having trouble with the radar, sir!
Dark Helmet: What's wrong with it?!
Radar Technician: I've lost the bleeps, I lost the sweeps, and I lost the creeps.
Dark Helmet: The what?
Colonel Sandurz: The what?
Dark Helmet: And the what?
Radar Techician: You know, the bleeps... [Makes beeping noise]... the sweeps... [Makes vibrating noise] and the creeps. [Makes squeaking noise]
Dark Helmet: [Quietly, to Sandurz] That's not all he's lost.
Radar Technician: Sir! The radar, sir! It appears to be... [Jam starts flowing through the computer screen] jammed!
Dark Helmet: Jammed... [Examines the jam and tastes it] Raspberry. There's only one man... [Sandurz gets out of the way of the approaching camera] ...who would dare give me the raspberry! [Pulls his mask down] Lone Starr! [Walks into the camera and collapses]

Dark helmet: [about to enter a pod when a lady with a beard cuts in front of him] Hey hey hey, that's my escape pod, who are you?
Bearded Lady: I am the bearded lady! What are you, one of the freaks?! [kicks him; and gets in the pod laughing]
Dark Helmet: Wait! Wait! No! [the pod ejects] Come back here, you fat bearded bitch!

Lone Starr: I still don't understand how I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

A phone is ringing in Lonestar's Winnebago.

BarfI'll just put her on audio so they won't see you. (Flicks up the "video phone" switch instead of the "audio phone" switch) Yello.
Vinnie: Hello , Lone Star.
Barf: Sorry. Wrong switch!
Lone Starr: Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?
Vinnie: Oh no no no no. It's not what I want, it's what HE wants.
Lone Starr and Barf: PIZZA THE HUTT!
Pizza the Hutt: Well, if it isn't Lone Starr and his side kick Puke.
Barf: Barf.
Pizza the Hutt: Barf, Puke, whatever! Where's my money?
Lone Starr: Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.
Pizza the Hutt: Next week? No, I gotta have it by tommorrow.
Lone Starr: A hundred thousand spacebucks? By tommorrow?
Pizza the Hutt: A hundred thousand spacebucks?! Ha ha ha ha ha! You forgot late charges which brings the total up to one million.
Lone Starr: A million spacebucks? That's unfair!
Pizza the Hutt: Unfair to the pay-or, but not to the pay-ee. Ha-ha-ha. But you're gonnna pay it, or else.
Barf: Or else what?
Pizza the Hutt: Tell them, Vinnie.
Vinnie: Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.

Notes

  1. Saying that in another way, Dark Helmet is the former roommate of Lone Starr's first or second cousin. He could be Lone Starr's former roommate as well, but that's unlikely. It could also be that his father's brother (uncle) has a nephew through his wife, whose cousin would therefore not be a blood relative of Lone Starr's, making the roommate connection all the more ludicrous.
  2. John Hurt played Executive Officer Kane in the 1979 film Alien. In the film, an alien popped out of Hurt's chest, thus the line "not again!".

Taglines

  • May the Schwartz be with you.
  • Once upon a time warp in deep space, the struggle between the nice & the rotten goes on...
  • Revenge of the Schtick

Cast

External links

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