The Colbert Report: Wikis


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The Colbert Report
Colbert Report logo.png

The Colbert Report logo
Genre Comedy
News parody
Format Late night talk show
Created by Stephen Colbert
Ben Karlin
Jon Stewart
Directed by Jim Hoskinson
Starring Stephen Colbert
Theme music composer "Baby Muggles" by Cheap Trick
Country of origin United States
Language(s) English
No. of seasons 6
No. of episodes 568 (List of episodes)
Executive producer(s) Jon Stewart
Ben Karlin
Stephen Colbert
Running time 30 minutes
Original channel Comedy Central
Picture format 480i (SDTV) (2005–2009)
1080i (HDTV) (2010–present)
Original run October 17, 2005 – present
Related shows The Daily Show
External links
Official website

The Colbert Report (pronounced /koʊlˈbɛər rəˈpɔr/, kohl-BAIR rə-PORt is silent in both "Colbert" and "Report") is an American satirical late night television program that airs Monday through Thursday on Comedy Central. It stars political humorist Stephen Colbert, a former correspondent for The Daily Show.

The Colbert Report is a spin-off from and counterpart to The Daily Show that comments on politics and the media in a similar way. It satirizes conservative personality-driven political pundit programs, particularly Fox News' and The O'Reilly Factor.[1][2] The show focuses on a fictional anchorman character named Stephen Colbert, played by his real-life namesake. The character, described by Colbert as a "well-intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiot", is a caricature of televised political pundits.[3][4]

The Colbert Report has been nominated for four Emmys each in 2006, 2007 and 2008, two Television Critics Association Awards, and two Satellite Awards. It has been presented as non-satirical journalism in several instances, by the Tom DeLay Legal Defense Trust, and following Robert Wexler's interview on the program. The Report received considerable media coverage following its debut on October 17, 2005, for Colbert's coining of the term "truthiness", which dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster named its 2006 Word of the Year.[5] The Report has also coined other neologisms, such as "freem".

The Report has had cultural influence in a number of ways. In 2006, after Colbert encouraged viewers to vote online to name a Hungarian bridge after him, he won the first round of voting with 17,231,724 votes.[6] The Ambassador of Hungary presented Mr. Colbert with a declaration certifying him as the winner of the second and final round of voting, though it was later announced that the bridge would instead be named the Megyeri Bridge, as a law prevented it for being named after a living person. In 2007, the Democratic Caucus chair, Rahm Emanuel, instructed freshmen Representatives not to appear on the show's "Better Know a District" segment.[7]



Colbert on "The Colbert Gang"

In 2005, The Daily Show had won Emmy Awards, and Comedy Central wanted to expand the franchise.[8] Producers were also looking for a way to hold on to Colbert, Daily Show correspondent and co-writer for six seasons, after the show's other breakout star, Steve Carell, left the program to pursue a successful career in film and network television. Jon Stewart and Ben Karlin (The Daily Show's executive producer) supposedly came up with the idea for The Colbert Report after watching coverage of the sexual harassment lawsuit filed against Bill O'Reilly. Jon Stewart's production company, Busboy Productions, developed The Report. Colbert, Stewart, and Karlin pitched the idea of the show (reportedly with one phrase: "our version of The O'Reilly Factor with Stephen Colbert") to Comedy Central chief Doug Herzog, who agreed to run the show for eight weeks without creating a pilot.[9]

The Colbert Report first appeared in the form of three television commercials for itself which aired several times on The Daily Show, although the themes that form the basis for The Report can be seen in the reports of Colbert's correspondent character on The Daily Show. The show debuted October 17, 2005, with an initial contract for an eight-week run. On November 2, 2005, based on the strong ratings for the show's first two weeks, Comedy Central and Colbert announced they had signed for an additional year, through the end of 2006.[10] In 2007, co-head writer Allison Silverman became an executive producer of the show.[11]

Program format

Typically, Colbert starts each episode with teasers regarding the show's topics and guest, each headline structured to be a deliberate pun, followed by a verbal metaphor that promotes the show—for example, "Go out ten yards and button-hook to the left. I'm going to hit you with a perfect spiral of the truth. This is The Colbert Report." The show's original opening title sequence began an eagle diving past Colbert, following by images of flag waving, eagles, Colbert striking poses and words describing Colbert flying by, some of which that have been used as The Wørd. The first word used was "Grippy", and has changed to include, among others, "Megamerican", "Lincolnish", "Superstantial", "Freem", "Eneagled", "Flagaphile", and others. The May 4 episode in 2009 featured "346x" as a hint planted by J. J. Abrams about when and where Colbert would be in the Persian Gulf, and "Farewellison" for the final episode of former producer Allison Silverman. The sequence ends with a computer-generated shrieking eagle swooping toward the foreground, and swallowing the viewer (a live shot of the set appears in the eagle's mouth, which immediately grows to fill the screen). On January 4, 2010, a new opening debuted. The opening begins and ends with an eagle as before, but it is now colored in a manner reminiscent of the American flag. The opening features Colbert extending his hand to the viewer, then running forward and grabbing an American flag. Colbert leaps through the air with the flag as the words describing him fly by, and upon landing a Colbert Report styled government seal appears under his feet and spreads out to become a large computer-generated room similar in design to Colbert's set.

Following the opening sequence, Colbert proceeds a run-through of the day's headlines, similar to that of The Daily Show but with a pseudo-right-wing spin. The program continues with Colbert addressing a specific topic. That topic will usually lead into a "The Wørd" segment, which juxtaposes Colbert's commentary with satirical bullet points on-screen, a parody on The O'Reilly Factor's "Talking Points Memo";[12] though on occasion he will conduct a short interview with someone having to do with the topic. The format of the middle segment varies, but it is normally a visual presentation or skit. Often, these skits are parts of recurring segments, which may include "Better Know a District", in which Colbert interviews a U.S. Representative from a certain district of the United States; "Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger", in which Colbert voices his approval or disapproval of prominent people and news items; "Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A.", a health segment; "The Sport Report" with the "t" in both Sport and Report silent, a sports segment; and "The ThreatDown", in which Colbert lists the five greatest threats to America, and others.

Sometimes, there is a "Colbert Report Special Repor-t" (final "t" pronounced with special emphasis), in which Colbert devotes a section of an episode, and sometimes the entire episode to a special subject. The third segment is almost always an interview with a celebrity guest, often an author or government official.[13] The interview is, unlike The Daily Show, conducted at a different table on the set. Viewers applaud as Colbert hammily jogs from his desk to the interview area, where his guest awaits. At times, Colbert will give high fives to the front row of his audience as they stand and clap. This is different from traditional talk show formats, in which the guest enters to applause and joins the seated host. The third segment of the show is sporadically a musical guest. Prominent musical guests have included Rush, TV On The Radio, Green Day, Paul Simon, Crosby Stills & Nash, and Yo-Yo Ma. Afterwards, Colbert ends the show by giving some parting words to the audience.


Colbert on the original set (2005-2009) of The Colbert Report. Note the three instances of the show's title.

The Colbert Report taping studio, at 513 W. 54th Street New York, NY 10019 located in New York City's Hell's Kitchen neighborhood, was used for The Daily Show until July 2005. NEP Studio 54 on 54th Street is owned by NEP Broadcasting which is New York City's largest production facility and also owns The Daily Show set at NEP Studio 52 two blocks south on 52nd Street.

The set for The Colbert Report is called "The Eagle's Nest" and reflects and facilitates Colbert's self-aggrandizing style.[14] The set has two main areas: the desk, from which Colbert hosts most of the show, and the guest interview area to camera right, where his guest for the evening is interviewed. Colbert's desk is in the shape of serifed C, standing for Colbert. On one wall, above an artificial fireplace, is a portrait of Colbert; it originally showed Colbert standing in front of the same mantel with another portrait of himself. On the show's first anniversary, the portrait was replaced by one of Colbert standing in front of the mantel with the first portrait above it; the original was auctioned off at a charity event[15] and currently hangs in the Sticky Fingers restaurant in Colbert's native Charleston, S.C.[16] Colbert stated that the portrait will be changed every year to add another level of depth. On October 17, 2007, the portrait was removed and replaced with a new one that followed an identical pattern, but changed Colbert's placement in the foreground.

The Colbert portrait hanging on display near the bathrooms of the National Portrait Gallery.

On January 16, 2008, the "3-deep" Colbert portrait was placed on display "right between the bathrooms near the 'America's Presidents' exhibit" at the National Portrait Gallery in Washington, DC.[17] After first being rejected by the National Museum of American History, Colbert petitioned the Smithsonian to display his portrait, who agreed to "go along with the joke", though they stressed that it was only temporary. Colbert said "I don't mean to brag, but as it contains three portraits, my portrait has more portraits than any other portrait in the National Portrait Gallery!" The portrait was then put on display at the Smithsonian until April 13. On October 16, 2008, the 3-deep portrait was officially donated to the permanent collection of the Smithsonian's American Treasures exhibit. At the end of that show, a new 5-deep portrait was unveiled, with the newest Colbert holding his newly-won Emmy with another Emmy and a Peabody by the mantle.

Outside the studio

The graphics used throughout the show and the studio itself are saturated with American flags, bald eagles, Captain America's shield, and other patriotic imagery.[18] The set contains many references to Colbert, and on the show's first episode he pointed out several examples: his name, initials and the name of the show appear on the desk's plasma screen, on the rafters above the desk, and the desk itself is shaped like a giant "C".[14] In an interview with The A.V. Club, Colbert explained that much of the design for the set was inspired by Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper. "All the architecture of that room points at Jesus' head, the entire room is a halo", Colbert said. "On the set, I'd like the lines of the set to converge on my head. And so if you look at the design, it all does, it all points at my head...there's a sort of sun-god burst quality about the set around me."[2] On the floor to the front stage right of his desk there is an eagle's nest, and a tape outline of where he injured his wrist, akin to those seen at murder scenes on television police procedurals.

For the week of April 14 through April 17, 2008, the program was taped at the Annenberg Center for the Performing Arts at the University of Pennsylvania campus, in advance of the Democratic Party primary in that state on April 22. This was the first time the program has been taped outside its regular New York City studios.[19]

In an interview with Lisa Rose for published on October 26, 2009, Colbert mentioned that a new set was being built and would premiere sometime in January, 2010.[20] The new set was introduced on the show on January 4, 2010, along with a new opening graphic.

Writers' strike

Production of new episodes was suspended on November 5, 2007 due to the Writers Guild of America strike, although a live untaped performance called The Colbert Report - On Strike! took place on December 3, 2007, with proceeds going towards show staffers.[21] The show returned on January 7, 2008, without the writing staff. Upon the show's return, Colbert modified the pronunciation of the show's name, using hard 't's (/ˈkoʊlbərt rəpɔrt/); a similar move was made by The Daily Show which returned to air as A Daily Show. On February 13, in honor of the end of the strike, the original names of both shows were restored.

During the strike, Colbert stopped performing the customary "table of contents" that usually precedes the opening titles, as well as other regular written segments such as The Wørd. As a member of the Writers Guild of America, Colbert was barred from writing any material for the show himself which his writers would ordinarily write.[22] As a result, Colbert conducted more guest interviews, although several people turned down invitations to cross the picket line to appear on the show, including Katrina van den Heuvel and Naomi Klein.[23] At one stage, pitched as an effort to fill time on the show, Colbert lashed out at fellow late night host Conan O'Brien, who had also recently returned to air without his writers, for claiming to have elevated the popularity—or "made"—presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, which Colbert's character had frequently claimed credit for in the past. In response, Jon Stewart, Colbert's former Daily Show colleague, claimed that he had introduced O'Brien to the public on MTV's The Jon Stewart Show, and thus, by his logic, Stewart was responsible for Huckabee's success. This sparked a briefly recurring mock feud between Colbert, O'Brien, and Stewart—during which they appeared on each other's shows—which culminated in a three-way brawl on Late Night with Conan O'Brien on February 4, 2008.[24]

Stephen Colbert (character)

The Stephen Colbert character is a fictional character portrayed by comedian and actor Stephen Colbert. The character is a caricature of news pundits such as Stone Phillips, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Geraldo Rivera, whose shows focus on "bluster and personality".[4][9] Colbert's character, a "well-intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiot", is right-wing, egomaniacal, fact-averse ("factose intolerant"), God-fearing, and super-patriotic. He claims to be an independent who is often mistaken for a Republican, but uniformly despises liberals and generally agrees with the actions and decisions of George W. Bush and the Republican Party. This is evidenced by one of the questions that he asks of many of his guests: "George W. Bush: great President, or the greatest President?"[25]

The character's self-aggrandizing style includes frequent promotion of an extensive range of fictional merchandising and products, including perfumes, sci-fi novels, medications, his own "man seed", and other products, all of which are either produced or endorsed by Colbert. He has also convinced his viewers, whom he addresses as "the Colbert Nation", to vote for him in various public naming polls: the mascot of the Saginaw Spirit, an Ontario Hockey League team has been named after him.[26]

Colbert's character holds a recurring grudge against everything related to France and the French language. Ironically, he pronounces both his last name "Colbert" - a surname of French origins[27] - and "Report" in "The Colbert Report" with a silent T in accordance with French pronunciation. This faux-French way of pronouncing "Report" has started a trend amongst other American journalists, such as Bobby Dunbar, of The Colorado Rap Report. In an interview on NPR's "Fresh Air" Colbert acknowledged the pronunciation of report referring to the word "rapport": A close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other's feelings or ideas and communicate well.

Colbert's character has been described as a "caustic right-wing bully".[8] On the interview segment of the show, Colbert frequently attempts to nail his guest by using various rhetorical devices, and often logical fallacies, to prove them wrong.[28] Despite his bluster, Colbert's character suffers from arctophobia, the fear of bears, which he refers to as "giant, marauding, godless killing machines".[29] This bear phobia was inspired by Colbert's real-life fear of bears as a child.[28] Colbert refers to Bill O'Reilly as "Papa Bear", a title with a double meaning, considering Colbert's fear of bears.[30] Colbert displays fear and suspicion of nearly any animal and is quick to declare they are "training" to attack humanity. He is also highly distrustful of technology, particularly robots.[31] Over the months of May and June in 2007, Colbert begged Apple to give him a free iPhone, and finally received one in July. Once he received it, however, he claimed the phone knew so much about him that he had become virtually dependent on it, and that the iPhone itself was a threat.[31]

Operation Iraqi Stephen: Going Commando

From June 7–9, 2009, Colbert filmed a series of four episodes for the troops in Baghdad, Iraq. He had a suit tailored for him in the Army Combat Uniform pattern and went through an abbreviated version of the Army's basic training regimen. On the first of the four episodes, Colbert had his head shaved on stage by General Ray Odierno who was jokingly "ordered" to do so by President Barack Obama, who appeared on the episode via a pre-recorded segment from the White House.

Recurring themes

The Colbert Report presents various recurring themes that help define the show.


Stephen Colbert announces that "The Wørd" of the night is truthiness, during the premiere episode of The Colbert Report.

In "The Wørd" segment of the first episode of the Report, Colbert featured the term truthiness, defined as "the quality by which one purports to know something emotionally or instinctively, without regard to evidence or intellectual examination". Colbert said that, "I don't trust books, they're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Let's face it folks, we are a divided nation…between those who think with their head and those who know with their heart."[32] In December 2005, The New York Times selected truthiness as one of nine words that captured the zeitgeist of the year, and in January 2006, the American Dialect Society announced that truthiness was selected as its 2005 Word of the Year.[33]

Colbert has made frequent reference to the spread of the word truthiness since he introduced it, while carping on media accounts of truthiness that neglect to identify him as its source.[34] Truthiness has since been discussed, sometimes repeatedly, in The New York Times, the Washington Post, USA Today, the San Francisco Chronicle, The Chicago Tribune, Newsweek, MSNBC, National Public Radio, the Associated Press, Editor & Publisher, Salon, The Huffington Post, ABC NewsRadio's Word Watch with Kel Richards and Chicago Reader, and on ABC's Nightline, CBS's 60 Minutes, and The Oprah Winfrey Show. In January 2006, truthiness was featured as a Word of the Week by the website of the Macmillan English Dictionary.[35] In December of the same year, Merriam-Webster announced that "truthiness" had been voted by visitors to its website to be the #1 Word of the Year for 2006.[36] On August 27, 2006, the Global Language Monitor named truthiness and wikiality—both coined by Colbert on The Colbert Report—as the top television buzzwords of 2006.[37][38] It was used in The New York Times crossword puzzle in June 2008,[39] which Colbert himself mentioned during an exchange with Jon Stewart on an episode of The Daily Show.[40]

Relation to The O'Reilly Factor

Stephen Colbert appears as a guest on The O'Reilly Factor. January 18, 2007.

The Stephen Colbert character and The Colbert Report are generally parodies of Bill O'Reilly and The O'Reilly Factor respectively. New episodes of The Colbert Report are scheduled in the same time slot as rebroadcasts of The O'Reilly Factor, while Colbert rebroadcasts are scheduled during new O'Reilly shows.[41] When O'Reilly appeared on The Daily Show before the second episode of The Colbert Report aired, he commented, "Before we get started, somebody told me walking in here, you got some French guy on after you making fun of me?", and made several references in the following interview to 'the French Guy'.[42][43] In a subsequent Newsweek interview, O'Reilly said that he "feels it's a compliment" to have Colbert parody him because Colbert "isn't mean-spirited" and does not "use [his] platform to injure people". Later, Colbert replied on-air, "I like you too. In fact, if it wasn't for you, this show wouldn't exist."[4]

The Colbert Report features a commentary segment called "The Wørd", similar to O'Reilly's "Talking Points Memo". Like the Memo, The Wørd features the commentator asserting a political point of view with a text screen graphic next to him. However, while O'Reilly's text serves to emphasize his points, Colbert's text generally serves as an ironic counterpoint to his character's position. Other segments that can be juxtaposed with The O'Reilly Factor are The Colbert Report's Inbox (compared to O'Reilly's "Factor Mail"); Stephen Colbert's Balls for Kidz which, unlike The Factor's "Children at Risk", tends to portray messages and lessons typically considered unsuitable for children; and That's The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard, which is comparable to O'Reilly's "The Most Ridiculous Item of the Day". Additionally, Colbert parodies O'Reilly's references to his program as the "no spin zone" by inviting viewers of his show to "take a spin in the no fact zone".[44] O'Reilly and Colbert each appeared as a guest on the other's show on January 18, 2007. As a souvenir, Colbert "stole" a microwave from the O'Reilly green room—in fact, he informed O'Reilly of his intention to take the microwave beforehand—later displaying it on his own show. He later sent over a replacement microwave, emblazoned with The Colbert Report logo.)

Green Screen challenges

On the August 10, 2006 episode, Stephen Colbert was shown wielding a lightsaber in front of a green screen, a parody of the Star Wars Kid internet phenomenon.[45] This was done as part of the "Better Know A District" segment, when Colbert visited California's 6th congressional district, the home of Star Wars creator George Lucas. The greenscreen footage was subsequently edited by fans and their results were posted on the Internet, primarily the website YouTube.[46] Colbert featured some of these clips on the August 21 episode and issued the "Green Screen Challenge" to the public—a contest to create the best video from footage shown in the August 10 episode. Lucas himself made an appearance on the October 11 episode to showcase his own entry.[15]

When indie rock band The Decemberists shot a music video for their single "O Valencia!" in front of a green screen and asked fans to complete the video, Colbert accused them of copying his idea, and started his second green screen challenge, which called for fans to edit Stephen Colbert into The Decemberists unfinished music video. In response, The Decemberists challenged Colbert to a guitar solo challenge.[47] For a few weeks, the upcoming contest, which Colbert titled "Rock and Awe: Countdown to Guitarmageddon" ("The I-Rock War: Cut and Strum" and "The Axeman Cometh: Mourning Becomes Electric" were announced as alternate titles; Colbert added that he would find and fire the English major on his staff who created the latter title), became a focus of the show. On December 20, 2006, Chris Funk, lead guitarist for The Decemberists, came on the show for the guitar solo challenge. Once Funk finished playing, Colbert arrived on stage with a five-necked guitar belonging to Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick. Colbert played two notes, pretended to cut his hand, and insisted that he could no longer play, so Peter Frampton played a solo in Colbert's place. A panel of three judges, then New York governor-elect Eliot Spitzer, Rock critic Anthony DeCurtis, and chairman of the Clive Davis Department of Recorded Music at New York University, Jim Anderson, voted to determine the best solo. DeCurtis voted for the Colbert/Frampton team, Anderson voted for Funk, and Spitzer withdrew himself from judging as Colbert tried to bribe him during the commercial break. The deciding vote was given to Henry Kissinger, who had briefly appeared earlier in the show. Kissinger said that the American people had won, at which point Colbert declared himself the winner.[48] As a prize, Colbert received The Crane Wife, The Decemberists' new album, saying "The Crane Wife by the Decemberists? I love the Decemberists, they rock. In your face, Funk!"

On June 12, 2008, Stephen announced his third green screen challenge, "Stephen Colbert's Make McCain Exciting Challenge!", in which he invited viewers to replace the green screen behind John McCain during one of his speeches with something more exciting. The show would display entries on a semi-regular basis for the next two months.

On September 5, 2008, Colbert issued a follow up McCain green screen challenge. He challenged his viewers to alter the footage of McCain's acceptance speech, while Colbert himself took a one week hiatus.

Wrist violence and fictional addiction

On July 26, 2007, Colbert broke his left wrist while performing his warm-up for the show.[49] Following the accident Colbert launched a new section of the show entitled "Wrist Watch", featuring news stories about wrists during which the character attacks what he sees as Hollywood's glamorization of "wrist violence".[50] On August 8, Colbert debuted the "Wriststrong" wrist band, based on Lance Armstrong's "Livestrong" wrist band, in a hope to increase wrist awareness.[51] The wristbands were made available for purchase online and Colbert ordered those wearing the bracelets to give them to anyone they meet who is more famous than themselves. Colbert has subsequently attempted to pass on bracelets to well-known media figures including Katie Couric (Stephen gave a Wriststrong bracelet to Katie and she said that she would wear it on air, but didn't), Brian Williams and Matt Lauer. All proceeds raised by the sales of the wrist bands are given to the Yellow Ribbon Fund.[52] On January 23, 2008, Colbert interviewed the head of the Yellow Ribbon Fund, Marie Wood, and presented her a check for the money raised by WristStrong bracelet sales to date, totaling US$171,525, the profits of over 30,000 bracelet sales.[53]

Colbert had a number of well-known figures autograph his cast, including Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York City; CBS Evening News anchor Katie Couric; Bill O'Reilly, host of Fox's The O'Reilly Factor; Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives; Tim Russert, host of NBC's Meet The Press; Tony Snow, former White House Press Secretary; and NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams. On August 23 the cast was removed on air,[54] and it was announced that Colbert would auction off his cast for the Yellow Ribbon Fund on eBay. The auction began after that evening's show.[55] Within minutes of the auction's start, bidding quickly rose to over US$71,000. However, many bids were canceled because bidders failed to get pre-approved by the seller (which was required in the auction). It was sold for US$17,200.[56]

While Colbert's wrist was in the cast, the character began taking (and subsequently became addicted to) painkillers to deal with his injury, frequently taking absurd doses and displaying exaggerated withdrawal symptoms of irritability and hallucinations when they were denied. The cast was removed on television, after which The Report went on a brief hiatus, and following its return on September 10, Colbert claimed that, with help from a court order and rehab over the break, he had kicked his addiction.[57]

Recurring characters

While the show is largely dominated by Colbert, there are a number of recurring characters who appear periodically. Colbert will frequently address the show's director, Jimmy—a reference to real-life Colbert Report director Jim Hoskinson—and will sometimes converse with him. On the rare occasions Jimmy has appeared on screen, he has been portrayed by staff writer Peter Gwinn. Building manager Tad, portrayed by Paul Dinello, has appeared on the show multiple times to host special segments. Other recurring members of Colbert's fictional staff have included Meg the intern (played by Meg DeFrancesco), Bobby the stage manager (played by Eric Drysdale) and Killer (uncredited). Colbert himself has portrayed his character's Cuban alter ego, Esteban Colberto; and his Chinese alter ego, Ching Chong Ding Dong.

Early in the show's run, Stephen occasionally encountered Russ Lieber, a liberal media personality character portrayed by David Cross. Tim Meadows has also appeared on the show as P.K. Winsome, a black Republican and hucksterish entrepreneur.

An inanimate character was created in response to Supreme Court ruling to lift the Washington, D.C. gun ban. Sweetness is a black revolver that Colbert can hear talk to him. He will often converse with Sweetness by holding her up to his ear and then relaying what she has said to the audience.

Colbert has also voiced Wilford Brimley in false phone conversations. Gorlock, Colbert's alien financial adviser, is another recurring character mentioned on the show. Recently, in response to rumors of his death, Jeff Goldblum has randomly interrupted Colbert to make speeches while advertising Law & Order: Criminal Intent.[58][59][60][61]


The Colbert Report currently scores favorable reviews, with 65/100 on Metacritic, while its viewers ranking on the site is higher at 8.6/10.[62]

The Colbert Report drew an unusual amount of media attention prior to its premiere. It was featured in articles in The New Yorker, NPR's All Things Considered and Fresh Air, CNN, and The Washington Post. The New York Times alone ran three articles on the Report before its debut, and has made repeated references to The Colbert Report since then.[63] Maureen Dowd, for instance, referred to Colbert's "Dead To Me" board as a metaphor in her column, saying that Oprah Winfrey "should take a page from Stephen Colbert and put the slippery James Frey on her 'Dead to me' list".[64]

The Colbert Report drew 1.13 million viewers for its premiere episode, 47 percent greater than the average for that time slot over the previous four weeks,[65] and 98 percent of the viewership of The Daily Show, which has Comedy Central's second-largest viewership.[66] Averaged over its opening week, The Report had 1.2 million viewers per episode, more than double the average for the same time the previous year, when the time slot was occupied by Too Late with Adam Carolla. The premiere week of The Colbert Report also coincided with the second-highest-rated week of The Daily Show, behind the week leading up to the 2004 U.S. presidential election.[67]

The Colbert Report rapidly became an internet phenomenon, with a vast number of clips from the show being posted onto YouTube by fans. Subsequently references to YouTube were made in jokes on the show, which also launched the first "green screen challenge". On October 27, 2006, however, Comedy Central asserted its copyright over The Colbert Report clips, and YouTube removed all clips over 5 minutes in length. In February 2007, at Viacom's request, they removed all remaining Colbert Report clips. Clips of every episode of the show can now be found at[68].

Presented as non-satirical journalism

Tom DeLay Legal Defense Trust

In May 2006, the Tom DeLay Legal Defense Trust posted a video of The Colbert Report on its website and sent out a mass email urging DeLay supporters to watch how "Hollywood liberal" Robert Greenwald "crashed and burned . . . when promoting his new attack on Tom DeLay."[69] The video featured Colbert asking questions such as, "Who hates America more, you or Michael Moore?"[70] The Trust's email describes its content as "the truth behind Liberal Hollywood's" film about DeLay, and characterizes the Colbert Report clip with the headline, "Colbert Cracks the Story on Real Motivations Behind the Movie." On June 8, 2006, Colbert responded by conducting an "Exclusive Fake Interview" on his show with DeLay. Three different interviews with DeLay on different networks were spliced for humorous effect, and Colbert ended the "interview" by saying "I do hope you enjoyed my manipulation of your words." DeLay has since appeared as a guest on the program.

Robert Wexler

On July 25, 2006, Colbert responded to television networks—specifically Fox News, NBC's The Today Show and ABC's Good Morning America—which took comments made by Florida Congressman Robert Wexler on The Colbert Report out of context (e.g.: "I enjoy cocaine and the company of prostitutes because they are a fun thing to do."). Wexler, who ran unopposed in the then-upcoming election, made the comments in response to urging by Colbert that he "say some things that would really lose the election for [Wexler] if [Wexler] were contested."[71]. Colbert effectively criticized the major networks' morning news shows that featured the interview in a misleading and a very negative light, by showing clips from many of the "fluff" pieces they favored instead of "real" news. Colbert subsequently told his viewers to "vote Wexler, the man's got a sense of humor, unlike, evidently, journalists."


Arts honors

In 2006, The Colbert Report was nominated for four Emmys, one more than its parent, The Daily Show.[72] However, The Colbert Report lost two of its Emmy opportunities to The Daily Show—Colbert received one as a then-member of The Daily Show's writing staff. Colbert also lost Outstanding Individual Performance In A Variety Or Music Program to Barry Manilow, who was nominated for a one-time PBS special, as Colbert jokingly noted while presenting an Emmy later that night. Manilow later appeared on the show to sign a peace treaty with Colbert, in which they agreed to joint custody of the award. The two then sang a duet of Bruce Johnston's song "I Write the Songs".

The show was nominated for:

  • Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program, Episode #110
  • Outstanding Individual Performance In A Variety Or Music Program, Stephen Colbert
  • Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series
  • Outstanding Writing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program

Additionally, the show was nominated for two Television Critics Association Awards:[73] Outstanding Individual Achievement in Comedy (Stephen Colbert), and Outstanding New Program of the Year. The Colbert Report was also nominated for Satellite Awards in two categories in 2005 and 2006:[73] Actor in a Series, Comedy or Musical (Stephen Colbert), and Television Series, Comedy or Musical. It was also given a Special Recognition award at the 2007 GLAAD Media Awards.[74]

In 2007, The Colbert Report was nominated for four Emmys for the second consecutive year, in the same categories as in 2006.[75] Not only did none of the nominations result in an award for the second straight year, that year's winner for Outstanding Individual Performance was another singer, Tony Bennett.[76] Likewise, Bennett eventually sang with Colbert on the program. In 2008, The Colbert Report won the Producers Guild of America Award for "Best Live Entertainment/Competition Show".[77]

In April 2008, The Colbert Report received a George F. Peabody Award recognizing its excellence in news and entertainment.[78] This award was last seen being eaten by the Cookie Monster during an interview on the Report.

In 2008, The Colbert Report was again nominated for four Emmys for the third consecutive year, and for the same four categories as listed above and won for Outstanding Writing For A Variety, Music, Or Comedy.[79]

In 2009, the Best Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program category was eliminated.

Other honors

Colbert has received several other honors and distinctions. Colbert announced on his March 28, 2006 show that he had been contacted by San Francisco Zoo officials seeking his permission to name an unhatched bald eagle after him.[80] The eagle, affectionately dubbed Stephen Jr. on The Report, was bred to be reintroduced into the wild, as a part of the zoo's California Bald Eagle Breeding Program. Colbert celebrated the chick's birth on the April 17, 2006, program, and has since given updates on the bird's development. He has criticized the bird for migrating to Canada, and has attempted to lure him back to the U.S. On December 24, 2008, Stephen Jr. (tag A-46) was photographed at the Lower Klamath National Wildlife Refuge on the California/Oregon border.[81]

Colbert received an honorary doctorate in fine arts from Knox College, Illinois on June 3, 2006;[82] his credit as producer has been listed since that time as "Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A."[83] (later changed in April 2009 to "Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, D.F.A." after Colbert was knighted by Queen Noor of Jordan in exchange for his support of the Global Zero Campaign to eliminate nuclear weapons).[84]

On September 30, 2006, the Saginaw Spirit, an OHL hockey team in Saginaw, Michigan, named its co-mascot Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle in honor of Colbert, despite the fact that it was spotted holding a Canadian flag during the anthem.[85] Before the introduction of the mascot, the team record was 0-3-0-1, but once the Steagle was introduced, the team improved their record to 44-21-0-3 by the season's end,[86] before losing in the first round of the playoffs.[87] On January 27, 2007, Oshawa, Ontario declared March 20 of that year (John Gray's birthday) Stephen Colbert Day after mayor John Gray bet Colbert that the Oshawa Generals would beat the Spirit, and Saginaw won 5-4.[88]

In 2007, the ice cream company Ben and Jerry's announced a new flavor of ice cream, Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream (available only in the United States). The flavor is described as "a decadent melting pot of vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered waffle cone pieces and a caramel swirl."[89] The company's founders appeared on the show on March 5, 2007 to discuss the ice cream and to plug their "grassroots education and advocacy project", TrueMajority.

On March 12, 2007, the Editor-in-Chief of Marvel Comics, Joe Quesada, awarded Stephen Colbert the shield of the recently deceased superhero Captain America.[90] The letter to Colbert accompanying the shield stated that "the Star-Spangled Avenger has bequeathed... his indestructible shield to the only man he believed to have the red, white, and blue balls to carry the mantle." Colbert promised to use the shield "only to fight for justice…and to impress girls." It was, in fact, one of only two full-sized prop shields which had previously been kept in the Marvel offices.[91] In the latter part of March 2007, Drexel University named a leatherback turtle in honor of Colbert in their Great Turtle Race.[92] "Stephanie Colburtle the Leatherback Turtle" came in second place, losing to a turtle named Billie.[93]

On August 22, 2007, Richard Branson, who was being interviewed as a guest, announced that one of his Virgin America aeroplanes would be named Air Colbert. Colbert announced on April 2, 2008, during a ThreatDown segment, that the plane had been grounded after one of its engines was damaged by a bird strike.

On June 24, 2008, Dr. Jason Bond, an associate professor with the Department of Biology at East Carolina University, appeared on the show because he agreed to name a trapdoor spider after Stephen Colbert. They negotiated over what kind of spider would be named after Stephen, and Colbert told the professor that they would "settle this in the next couple of weeks". During the interview, the visual approximation of Bond changed between different pictures depicting Spider-Man, including Tobey Maguire (the actor who played Spider-Man in the films) and costumed people/animals. The spider was officially announced on August 6 as the Aptostichus stephencolberti.[94]

Time magazine's James Poniewozik named it one of the Top 10 Returning Series of 2007, ranking it at #7.[95]

Colbert has appeared on the covers of several major magazines, including Wired, Rolling Stone, Esquire, Sports Illustrated (as sponsor of the US Speedskating team) and Newsweek, in which he was the Guest Editor.

On January 29, 2008, Marvel Comics president Joe Quesada announced that Colbert's fictional campaign for the presidency was still active in the Marvel universe, references to which have appeared in Marvel comics since. Colbert appears on the cover of Amazing Spider-Man #573.

On October 17, 2008, it was announced that the portrait of Stephen from his second year of The Colbert Report was accepted into the national portrait collection at the National Museum of American History for its November reopening.

On October 21, during the appearance of Patrick Henry College chancellor, Michael Farris, Stephen was presented with the honorary title of Arbiter of American Morality and Defender of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy.[96]

At the end of 2008, The Colbert Report was named the number one television series of that year by Entertainment Weekly.

During the sweepstakes for naming the new wing on the International Space Station, Stephen Colbert announced on his show that there was a write-in section where you could write your own suggestion for a name in. He encouraged his fans to write in "Colbert". When the sweepstakes was over, NASA announced that "Colbert" had beaten their top choice by four times as many votes on March 11, 2009.[citation needed]

On April 15, 2009, NASA announced that instead of the new module being named after him, a treadmill onboard the space station would be called the Combined Operational Load Bearing External Resistance Treadmill (COLBERT).[97]

On November 2, 2009, Colbert, representing the Colbert Nation, signed an on-air sponsorship agreement with U.S. speedskating executive director Robert Crowley.[98] Fundraising via The Colbert Report ultimately raised $300,000 for the US Winter Olympics speedskating team.[99] Coverage of the show's efforts also led to Colbert personally being invited to be the official ombudsman at the oval for the Olympics,[100] appointed as the official assistant sports psychologist for the US olympics speed skating team, and as such is now an official member of the team,[101][102] and invited by Dick Ebersol, to be part of NBC's 2010 Winter Olympics coverage team.[103]

Cultural impact

International distribution

Outside of the United States, The Colbert Report is shown on the broadcast network CTV and The Comedy Network in Canada, the same day it airs in the US. Additionally, all four episodes from the week prior air from 12:00am to 2:00am in a early Monday block on A. It airs on The Comedy Channel and ABC2 [104] in Australia, Comedy Central in New Zealand, and on Maxxx in the Philippines. It aired on FX in the United Kingdom until they decided not to renew their contract in May 2009.[105] The show also has a strong following in Ireland.

Beginning June 3, 2008, The Colbert Report also aired on the Showcomedy channel of Showtime Arabia, a channel which broadcasts in the Middle East and North Africa.[106] The show is transmitted on a one-day delay from original transmission in the US.

Several international markets also air The Colbert Report Global Edition, which shows highlights from the previous week's shows and includes a special introduction by Stephen Colbert at the start of the program.

In addition most recent episodes (usually 3 weeks back) are available in full length on


A DVD of highlights from the first two seasons of The Colbert Report was released by Comedy Central on November 6, 2007. Entitled The Best of The Colbert Report, the three-hour disc contains two "The Wørd" segments (including "Truthiness" from the first episode and "Wikiality"), one "Threat Down", various "Better Know a District" segments (including Robert Wexler), and interviews with Bill O'Reilly, Willie Nelson, and Jane Fonda (also included is Fonda's appearance with Gloria Steinem in a segment called "Cooking with Feminists"), as well as the special segments "Green Screen Challenge", "Stephen Jr. - Flight of a Patriot", "Indecision 2006: Midterm Midtacular", and Colbert's "Meta-Free-Phor-All" with Sean Penn.[107][108][109]

Best Buy sold the DVD with a bonus disc containing several animated Tek Jansen adventures.[110]

The hour-long Christmas special A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All! was released on DVD November 25, 2008.[111]

iTunes music

Comedy Central released The Complete Soundtrack of A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All featuring songs by such performers as Feist, John Legend, Willie Nelson, Toby Keith, Jon Stewart, Elvis Costello, and Colbert himself.

I Am America (And So Can You!)

A "pure extension" of the show in book form, titled I Am America (And So Can You!), was released on October 9, 2007. Written by Stephen Colbert and The Colbert Report writers, the book covers Colbert's opinions on a wide array of topics that he has no time to address on the show. Red margin notes appear throughout the book, providing humorous reactions and counterpoints to Colbert's arguments in a style comparable to the Report's Wørd segment. The book draws some influence from and also parodies the literary endeavors of the character's pundit models, such as Bill O'Reilly's The O'Reilly Factor (2000) and Sean Hannity's Deliver Us From Evil (2005), which Colbert says he "forced" himself to read as a reference.[112]

See also


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External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Open wide, baby bird, 'cause momma's got a big fat nightcrawler of Truth!

The Colbert Report (October 17, 2005 - present) is an American comedy television program starring political humorist Stephen Colbert, formerly of The Daily Show. The show satirizes personality-driven political pundit programs, particularly Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor. It was created by Colbert, and Jon Stewart and Ben Karlin of The Daily Show.

It's what Lincoln would have watched. taglines.


Season 1 (2005)

Stephen Colbert: Open wide baby bird, 'cause momma's got a big fat night crawler of Truth. Here comes The Colbert Report!

Stephen: But this show is not about me. This program is dedicated to you, the heroes. And who are the heroes? The people who watch this show. Average, hardworking Americans. You're not the elites, you're not the country club crowd. I know for a fact that my country club would never let you in. But you get it. And you come from a long line of it-getters.

Stephen: On this show, your voice will be heard - in the form of my voice.

Stephen: Now I know some of you may not trust your gut...yet. But with my help you will. The "truthiness" is, anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news... at you.

Stephen: Thankfully, alert gauchos were able to save the llama before it was swept into the blades of the turbine.

Stephen: I'm looking over your shoulder, but only because I've got your back.

Stephen: Put on the Sade and spritz on some musk! I'm going to truth you all night long! This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: Apply Truth liberally to the inflamed area. This is The Colbert Report!

Season 2 (2006)

George Bush: Great president or the greatest president?

Stephen: Good news, America! Today you are completely safe and have nothing to fear. It's time for the SafetyUp! No, wait, today's opposite day. ThreatDown!
Stephen: (Talking about how Magna morphs and the magnetic parts that they feature. Colbert had attached the bear's head to the eagle's body) This allows you to combine our proud symbol of American freedom, with a godless killing machine!! Look at that! Half-bear, half-eagle, it's a beagle! And this is a grizzly, so it's a greagle. Kill it! Kill it! (Panically dismantles the "greagle").
Stephen: I've got 99 problems, but the truth ain't one. This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: [using the Da Colbert Code] Say I wanted to know who killed President Kennedy: John Fitzgerald Kennedy...F. Scott Fitzgerald...The Great Gatsby...The Great Escape...Escape from New York...The Big Apple...Apples and Oranges...A Clockwork Orange...Stanley Kubrick...directed Barry Lyndon...Lyndon Johnson, oh my God! It was all a plot by Lyndon Johnson to attain the presidency so he could escalate the involvement in the Vietnam War! [whispers] Makes so much sense. Oh, if this code fell into the wrong hands.

Let's try a current mystery. Varying reports on the Hurricane Katrina debacle are pointing fingers in many directions. Who's really to blame for the slow response to the disaster? Let's think about it: Hurricane Katrina...Katrina and the Waves...Waves in the Oceans...Ocean's full of Fish...One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish...Dr. Seuss...The Cat in the Hat...Mike Myers. Oh my God, it's Mike Myers' fault! No wonder he kept quiet when Kanye West started blaming President Bush!

Okay, now let's use this for something important. Everyone wants to know who's gonna win the Oscars. Let's start with Best Supporting Actress: you get support from support groups like AA...AAA...XXX...X the Owl...Henrietta Pussycat...What's New Pussycat...Tom Jones...Star Jones...Star Wars...WarGames...Winter Games...Wintergreen...Winter garden...Weisse Beer...Rachel Weisz will win Best Supporting Actress! Oh, she is so lovely.

Let's move on here. Rachel Weisz was in The Mummy!

Stephen: [to guest Bill O'Reilly] I'm not a Secular Progressive, sir. I'm a deeply religious man who will do anything you say.

Stephen: Now, there's nothing wrong with being gay. Some of my best friends are going to hell.

Stephen: If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Stephen: Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

Stephen: Hey, you know, I love Korea. See? I'm having a… Bulgogi tonight! (Showing a bowl with mixture of several pieces of meat, lettuce and other vegetables) lovely. That is a…… not sure what's in there but I do know that you crack a roll egg over it. (Cracking egg to the bowl) And…… I…am… (holding a chopstick) going to… enjoy that…… a little bit later. (hides the bowl under the desk)

Stephen: It's George Washington's birthday and I cannot tell a lie [the former was false]. This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: The safest way to avoid throwing the baby out with the bathwater is to not change the bathwater.

Stephen: You said, "Anyone who grew up on a farm knows that evolution exists." OK, are you saying a monkey can milk a cow?
Peter Agre: Well, if I can milk a cow I suspect a monkey as smart as I am can milk a cow.
Stephen: Are there monkeys as smart as you?
Agre: I'm sure there are quite a few, quite a few.
Stephen: Oh really? Do they give a Nobel Prize for throwing your own feces?"
Agre: That's the Economics prize, I think.

Stephen: Now, I’ve never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature’s fence sitters. Come on, amphibians. Which is it? Water or land? Pick one, we’re at war.

Stephen: Folks, the President needs a break. He's like a Black and Decker cordless Dirt Devil vacuum. If you don’t recharge his batteries, he can't suck.

Stephen: I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.
The Wørd: Chicks Dig Accents.

Following the Democratic victory in the 2006 Midterm Elections.
Stephen: The people have spoken - and apparently they're tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed. I thought this country would last longer than 230 years. That's it, folks, America is over. At this point, we might as well just give it back to the goddamn Indians. Let's see how they'd deal with foreign enemies bent on their destruction. Here's your cake, terrorists! There you go. Enjoy. [tasting the icing] Mmm, tastes like surrender. Jimmy, you might as well get those subtitles going. [Arabic subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen] There you go. Get used to these. And you know what? We should probably throw a burqa over Meg while we're at it. [Meg the intern is shown wearing a burqa] You know what really gets me here, you know what really gets me? Democrats didn't even win this thing, the Republicans lost it. They ran away from the president. "Hey, the ship's in trouble, quick, let's drown the captain!" We were this close to Jesus coming back. And you Republicans that turned your back on the president are going to wander in the desert for the next two years. Literally, someone's going to have to replace those troops in Iraq! And don't think you're off the hook, voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're the ones who are going to have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! You know what, I've had it! You people don't deserve a Republican majority! Screw this! I quit!

Stephen: [getting into his car] Take me home, Sam.
The driver turns around. It's Uncle Sam.
Sam: You are home, Stephen. The Colbert Nation is your home - and it needs you now, more than ever.
Stephen: No it doesn't.
Sam: Yes it does! The Democrats have only been in power for a few minutes and already they've already got us stuck in this unwinnable war!
Stephen: [with realization dawning] Yeah, they really screwed the pooch on that one. That Democratic majority has had a free ride for too long! Thanks, Sam! [moves to get out of the car]
Sam: You're welcome.
Stephen: [turning] Oh, by the way, there was no sparkling water in my drink caddy. You forget that again and I will fire your fat ass. You got me, old man?
Sam: Yes.
Stephen: Yes, what?
Sam: Yes, sir.

Season 3 (2007)

Stephen: Reality has become a commodity.

Stephen: I'm attacking America's enemies like a spurned astronaut.
Stephen: We went to Iraq for one reason.
The Wørd: WMDs?
Stephen: No.
The Wørd: 9/11?
Stephen: No.
The Wørd: Someone Tried To Kill The President's Daddy?
Stephen: Kind of.

Stephen: [Hillary Clinton] said one of her favorite movies is The Wizard of Oz. Well, I re-watched it recently, and I can't believe I never noticed the liberal subtext before. Judy Garland--gay icon--stars as Dorothy, an innocent girl from the Heartland, who gets swept away to a drug-induced fantasy land where's she's greeted by labor activists from the local guild. After she murders a powerful Oz official, she becomes a fugitive, hitting the road with a racially diverse group including a laborer, an animal-rights activist, and a treehugger. Who are all, for some mysterious reason, great dancers. And along the way, they get so high on poppies they think they're being attacked by flying monkeys. Folks, there's a short walk from "There's no place like home" to "It Takes a Village."

Stephen: I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?

Stephen: [Upon learning that Willie Nelson has a Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor.] Willie Nelson has a flavor? What's in it, shredded tax forms and hash?

Stephen: Join me next time on Colbert Platinum when I'll be joined by Master Chef Reginald Durham for a luxury cookout with the elite burger "Panda Patties". Mmmm. Yes, you can taste the rarity.

Representative John Yarmuth accepts Stephen's challenge to face him in an impromptu debate.
Stephen: Tonight’s subject: Throwing kittens in a woodchipper. I'm against it, I think it's wrong. John, tear me a new one.
Yarmuth: Well, you know, there are times when you have to find a way to dispose of kittens. And sometimes the only thing that you can do, if you don't have a shovel, if you don't have a garbage can, if there's a woodchipper handy, then you're going to have to use the woodchipper.

Stephen: Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

Stephen: If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well, just have your Pope issue a reponse. Oh, that's right, you don't have a Pope because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that Lord has spoken on this one.

Stephen: [In response to Bill O'Reilly's comparison of Daily Kos with the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazi party.] Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum.

Stephen: Now, tragically, folks, we are illuminating more and more of the Dark Side every day. Now that indefinite detention, enhanced interrogation, and domestic spying are acceptable, it is getting harder and harder to find those things that we as Americans theoretically cannot bring ourselves to do.
The Wørd: Vote?

Stephen: Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me "sir".

Stephen: Love is a full-length mirror.

Stephen: I actually do think that Wikipedia is an amazing thing. It is the first place I go when I’m looking for knowledge, or when I want to create some.

Stephen: You see, the Vice President knew that we cannot win this war if we go by the book.
The Wørd: Or The Constitution.
Stephen: You... you do whatever it takes. You go beyond what's legal. You go past what's acceptable.
The Wørd: You Shoot A Man In The Face.

Stephen: We need to return to the clarity of the good old days. Before there was any difference between Sunnis and Shi'ites.
The Wørd: 632 A.D.
Stephen: Back when there were freedom fries, and our justification for war was three simple letters: W...
The Wørd: L
Stephen: ...M...
The Wørd: I
Stephen: ...D.
The Wørd: E

Stephen: Which brings me to threat number one: gravity. It is not enough--it is not enough that everyone in the mainstream media is against this President. Now even the laws of physics are jumping on the anti-Bush bandwagon? 'Course, I've known about gravity's liberal bias ever since my tenth grade science teacher, Mr. Stamp, dropped a bowling ball and a feather in a vacuum. Bowling ball should definitely have won. There's only one way that feather could keep up: affirmative action. Point is, we've lost gravity to the liberals, folks; but inertia, I hope you're listening! You of all principles of physics should know to stay the course.

Stephen: Every time the President comes up with a new secret tactic to take down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover. Torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our emails, secret prisons, all perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror.

Stephen: When I decided to run for president, I did not do it for the attention. I did it to fulfill a dream, of being the most popular man in the world.

Season 4 (2008)

Using The DaColbert Code to predict the next President
Stephen: The next President will live in the White House...white guy...Guy Smiley...smiley face...horseshoe...shoe box...Johann Sebastian Bach...Baroque music...Baroque Obama, NO!


Stephen: [on his teleprompter being blank, thanks to the WGA strike] Jim, what the hell is going on? Where are my words?
Jimmy: We have no script, Stephen.
Stephen: Why not?
Jimmy: The writers are on strike.
Stephen: Yeah, I know that, Jim, I'm not a complete idiot. How does that affect me?
Jimmy: We have nothing to put in the prompter.
Stephen: That's not my understanding of how this works, Jim. My understanding is that this little, this little, uh, magic box right here, it reads my thoughts and then it lays them up on the screen right there in little words that I read and--that my audience can hear my--it's a labor saving device, Jim, that's--that's how I understand this works.
Jimmy: Well, no, actually it's what the writers put in.
Stephen: The writers. The guys on the fourth floor with the opium bongs playing Guitar Hero all day. You're telling me that those guys are responsible for what I say? I find that a bit of a stretch, Jim, I'm sorry. Get it fixed, and get it fixed now.

Stephen: [on being shown Abraham Lincoln's hat] Forget about the Secret Service, where was the fashion police?
Stephen: I tell you what: you ever see me wearing a hat like that, shoot me.

Stephen: [on Abraham Lincoln's projected IQ] So it is possible that he actually shot himself in the head, while he was trying to comb his hair with a gun.

Stephen: [In response to Philip Zimbardo's assertion that he "really paid attention in Sunday School"] I teach Sunday School, motherfucker!

Stephen: Hey, alternating current, why don't you just admit you're bi?

Stephen: Now it seems the crooks charge twenty to thirty thousand dollars for a fake Ferrari body attached to an old Pontiac chassis, and here's how you sniff out a fake: take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood just behind the ornament. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass.

Stephen: It's no secret, folks. It's all over the news. We are living in some hard times. The economy is in the crapper, bin Laden is still at large, and Steve Gutenberg is on Dancing with the Stars. I wonder what star he's dancing with? Now I think, in fact, there wouldn't be any good news out there if it weren't for... Nazi gold.

Stephen: (4-3-2008) It's not a recession, it's a correction. Correction, it's a recession. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-7-2008) Remember the 80's? Then you're not part of my demographic. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-8-2008) Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-9-2008) There are 8 million stories in the naked city. Most would look better with their clothes on. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-10-2008) At the sound of the tone, the time will be; Tone Time *BOOP* This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-16-2008) Pennsylvania Cheer Leaders: *Give me a T* T *Give me a R* R *Give me a U* U *Give me a T* T *Give me a H* H. What does that Spell? (Audience: TRUTH!) Stephen: I KNEW IT! This Is the Colbert Report!
Stephen: (4-21-2008) If I learned one thing from the Liberty Bell, it's that Crack is Wack. Stay in school kids. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-22-2008)You say Tomato? I say This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-23-2008) Nation, I'm really under the gun. Seriously, I stashed a pistol under my toupee. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-24-2008) The Truth shall set you free! Unless you killed somebody. In which case, tell the cops they were breathing when you left the room. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-29-2008) How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Limo. Limo. Limo. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (4-30-2008) Duck, Duck, Duck, Truth. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-1-2008) I started my Kentucky Derby party early. I'm full of julep and I got a gun. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-5-2008) Happy Cinco de Mayo. Remember, tomorrow is a great day to buy a used Pinata. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-6-2008) Shouldn't it be "No we don't have any Bananas?" That's been bugging me for 75 years. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-12-2008) The price of stamps rose a penny. Sweet! I just made 20 cents on my pack of forever stamps. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-13-2008) You put your left foot in. You take your left foot out. You put your left foot in and you shake it all about. Who knew restless leg syndrome was so much fun? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-14-2008) Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give him a sub prime fish loan, you're in business buddy. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-15-2008) Good things come to those who wait. _______*Long Pause*_______ This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-27-2008) We're starting summer hours here. Thank You and Good Night. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-28-2008) Tonight's show is brought to you by the number 1 and the letter Meee. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (5-29-2008) Early to bed and early to rise makes you a loser. Let's party all night long. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-2-2008) I saw "Sex and the City." Spoiler, she picks the Vivien Westwood dress. *mouths OMG* This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-3-2008) Time flies. Especially since I built a clock-a-pult. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-4-2008) Today is the first day of the rest of your life and it's already 11:30. What a waste. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-5-2008) I regret that I have but one life to give. I want more lives. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-9-2008) If you can't beat 'em, report 'em to Homeland Security. They will beat them for you. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-10-2008) I'm Stephen Colbert, the most trusted name in the name of my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-11-2008) The heat wave's over, but I'm still smokin'! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-16-2008) Have I told you, lately, that I love me. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-17-2008) Mark my words. Seriously, Mark, I need my words. Where's my script? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-18-2008) This is the dawning of the age of Colbarious. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-19-2008) Beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder. I've checked. There's nothing in there but veins and goo. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-23-2008) Guests of the Colbert Report stay at the luxurious, Crashing with a friend. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-24-2008) I promise to deliver the truth in the next 30 minutes or it's free. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-25-2008) What do I want? My own show! When do I want it? Now! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-26-2008) I'm about to take two weeks off. You know what that means! Fresh Injuries. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (6-26-2008) Many states don't allow the sale of fireworks. To me it's not the Fourth of July until I'm rolling on the ground screaming for somebody to put me out.

Stephen: (7-22-2008) I'm a man of few words but I say them over and over and over. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (7-28-2008) Do not store me near an open flame. My contents are under pressure. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (7-29-2008) I always give a 110% so the way I see it, somebody gives me a 10% refund. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (7-30-2008) For every action, I have a superior and opposite reaction. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (7-31-2008) Frère Jacques, frère Jacques, dormez-truth? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-04-2008) America, I wear the pants in this relationship. Most of the time. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-05-2008) The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab with an upward motion. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-06-2008) You know what they say, if it ain't broke, let me at it. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-07-2008) Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because my new sponsor is Salt. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-11-2008) In case of fire, remain in your seats till I'm out of the building. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-13-2008) If life gives you lemons, save the receipt! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-14-2008) And tonight's Colbert Penny Pincher. If you're out of milk, add water to yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-15-2008) If I had a quarter for every time I said I had a nickel, I'd have five times as much theoretical money. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-26-2008) To the Democrats of the Mile High City, remember, if you drink liquor at that altitude, you might become interesting. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-27-2008) Hey Democrats. I'm getting a little nervous that you haven't invited me to speak at your convention yet. Joke's over guys. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (8-28-2008) Hey Obama. You wanna impress me with a speech on the 50 yard line of a football field? Give it during the game. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-02-2008) Shave and a haircut. 9 bits. Inflation. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-03-2008) Those Republican speakers dished out a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-04-2008) Warning, I may contain more then a trace amount of nut. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-08-2008) Those Republicans dished up a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-15-2008) By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us, Host and Audience. You may kiss the screen! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-16-2008) Hey TiVo users, watch for a hidden message during commercials when you watch them in their entirety. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-17-2008) Hey liquid paper, your bottle should say you don't work on computer screens. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-18-2008) I know the knife is suppose to go next to the spoon... but where does the gun go? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-23-2008) Hey autumnal equinox, if the nights are getting longer, why is my show still only a half an hour? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-24-2008) This message will self destruct, only if you have one of those new exploding TV's. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-25-2008) Early to bed, early to rise. Makes a man miss my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-29-2008) Nation, I will always make eye contact with you. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (9-30-2008) They days of atonement are upon us. I apologize for being perfect. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-1-2008) I think. Therefore, you are. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-2-2008) It's snowing on Mars, so the following schools are closed. Microbe Academy, Bleep Blorp Elementary and St. Teresa's blessed crater. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-06-2008) Hey, I Am America: And So Can You! 2009 Desk Calender: how dare you be available in bookstores everywhere? Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-07-2008) The Bad news, the Dow dropped 500 points today. The Good news, I didn't know there were 500 left. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-08-2008) If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? BAM. Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-09-2008) The names in this broadcast have been changed to protect the innocent. This Is the Molber Report!

Stephen: (10-13-2008) Happy Columbus Day if your name is Christopher Columbus. Everybody else, back to work. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-14-08) They weren't booing at Sarah Palin at that Hockey game. The crowd was just getting in the Halloween Spirit. BOOOOOOOOOO. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-15-2008) I will not have 22 minutes for my rebuttal. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-16-2008) This show is 22 minutes. Let's round it up to an hour. That will be $800. This Is Joe, the Plummer Report!

Stephen: (10-20-2008) If your actions speak louder then words, you're not yelling loud enough. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-21-2008) Hey America, you scratch my back, I'll demand you scratch my back more. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-22-2008) I swim against the Tide, with Bleach Alternative. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-23-2008) Hey Pants, why should I have to put you on one leg at a time? I'm not like everybody else. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-28-2008) The following was supposed to contain nudity. Thanks a lot, network. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-29-2008) I don't pay attention to polls. I just count lawn signs. So get ready for President Remax. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (10-30-2008) Hey kids, if you need a last minute costume idea, you can always go door to door as a McCain campaigner. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-05-2008) I didn't vote! If I wanted to stay in line for hours, I'd be an audience member at my show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-06-2008) Hey, did you guys see tonight's episode of The Colbert Report? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-11-2008) What is the sound of one me talking? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-12-2008) Hey TelePrompTer. Stop telling me what to do. Pause, Then Yell. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-13-2008) Hey, single malt scotch. You're 30 years old. When are you gonna settle down and get married? To my stomach. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-17-2008) If your Colbert Report lasts longer than a half an hour, consult your physician. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-18-2008) If you ever forget to watch my show, try this handy mnemonic. Watch. My. Show. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-19-2008) Sarah Palin is getting a book deal. Which means, Wasilia is getting a book store. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (11-20-2008) It's my last show before Thanksgiving so I'm going to pardon my turkey. I'm going to put part of it in my stomach, part of it in some sandwiches. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-01-2008) I'm back from Thanksgiving break. Now you have something to be thankful for. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-02-2008) If you're looking for an inexpensive way to heat your home, may I suggest grease fire. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-03-2008) Portions of this show may have been pre-recorded. I've done so many, it's hard to remember. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-04-2008) Only 21 more "can't afford to shopping days" till Christmas. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-08-2008) I don't wanna let the cat out of the bag. That cat knows what it did and it needs to be punished. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-09-2008) I'm calling for an auto bailout. Because I drove my car into a lake. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-10-2008) Remember the old adage, starve a cold, feed a fever, behead a zombie. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (12-11-2008) It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere I go. Possibly because I live in Macy's. This Is the Colbert Report!

Season 5 (2009)

Stephen: (01-07-2009) Its the year of the Ox. Good, I was getting sick of eating rat. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-08-2009) The Hills, are alive, with the sound of, Wolves! Run Maria, Run! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-12-2009) Fool me once. Shame on You. Fool me twice. Shame on you again. I am shameless! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-13-2009) A house divided against itself cannot stand, but it's worth squat in this market anyway. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-14-2009) Hey! I don't pay my taxes. Why can't I be Treasury Secretary? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-15-2009) It's my way or the toll way. No free rides. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-19-2009) Just 12 more hours until all those Bush countdown clocks explode. You fools! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-21-2009) [Reciting with hand raised]: I, Stephen Colbert, promise faithfully to-I mean faithfully promise- Oh, fuck it! Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-22-2009) Congratulations to "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" on its 13 Oscar nominations. See, Americans do support torture. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-26-2009) Hey Iceland, you cannot make a Molotov cocktail with yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-27-2009) America, here's my stimulus package! [Colbert takes off his glasses] Hello ladies. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-28-2009) What do I have to do to get nominated for an Oscar? Make a movie? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (01-29-2009) Scotch tape, either change your name or get me drunk. I nearly choked last night. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-02-2009) It's Groundhog Day. Gentlemen, start your groundhogs! This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-03-2009) Hey lady liberty, isn't time you settled down and found yourself a man? This is The Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-04-2009) Here's a brain teaser for ya. Your brain's ugly. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-05-2009) Don't put off till tomorrow what your team of personal assistants can do today. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-09-2009) It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-10-2009) Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-11-2009) I'll never use steroids to get stronger. I just use them for the 'roid rage. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (02-23-2009) When life gives you lemons, make scrambled eggs. I make terrible scrambled eggs. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-09-2009) By the way, when does daylight saving time start? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-10-2009) I don't sugar coat the news. I drench it in high fructose syrup. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-11-2009) Hey Dr. Manhattan. Where is your blue glowing medical degree? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-12-2009) Bernie Madoff: Here's some advice. On the first day of jail, find the biggest guy in the yard, and defraud him. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-16-2009) Hey, did you read today's London Financial Times? Then why are you watching this show? This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-17-2009) It's Saint Patrick's Day. So you can kiss my blarney stones. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-18-2009) Hey Barlett's, here's a quotation. Put me in your book or you're a jerk. This is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-19-2009) Let's play rock paper scissors. Mail in your answers, and let's see who won. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-30-2009) Hey former GM CEO rick Wagner. If you're looking for a job, I need somebody to stand in my parking space. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (03-31-2009) I thought March was suppose to go out like a lamb. Where's my mint jelly? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-01-2009) Hey, song birds nesting outside my window, you're now 82 months behind rent. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-02-2009) E.R is off the air after 15 seasons. That's what you get with Obama's socialized medicine. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-06-2009) It's April 6th. Only nine more days to hide your assets offshore. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-07-2009) Vermont just legalized gay marriage. Ben, you can finally propose to Jerry. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-08-2009) Put your money where your mouth is. It's a lot safer then a bank. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-14-2009) Hey Navy Seals, why don't you take a crack at Captain Morgan? That guy made me feel like I was captive in a boat for 5 days. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-15-2009) Do not adjust your set, unless you wanna make my face even redder. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-16-2009) I hate to pat myself on the back. So I have my assistant do it. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-20-2009) Spoiler Alert, ugly duckling, you're actually a swan. An ugly one. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-21-2009) For NHL scores and highlights, move to Canada. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-22-2009) I float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. And if that fails, I curl up like an armadillo. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-23-2009) My show is suitable for ages 9 to 99. After that, your Willer Scots problem. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-27-2009) I say potato. End of story. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-28-2009) The Colbert Report is filmed before whatever follows it. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-29-2009) Hey Mom, let me say in advance. Happy belated Mothers Day. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (04-30-2009) I dunno how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsy pop. But it takes 12,809 to get to the center of an iPhone. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-05-2009) Hey code breakers, heres a hint. Try Harder! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-06-2009) If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why do they hurt when I spray them with windex? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-07-2009) Remember, when you hear the secret word, scream real loud. Tonight's secret word, SSHHHH. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-11-2009) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, my illegal logging business succeeds. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-12-2009) All proceeds of tonight's show go to a worthy cause. My advertisers. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-13-2009) When in Rome, I find a McDonalds that they speak in English. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-14-2009) Hey, blessings in disguise. What are you hiding? This Is the Colbert Report!
Stephen: Catholics with options are called "Protestants."

Stephen: (05-15-2009) No man is a failure who has friends... unless his friends are failures! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-20-2009) You can more flies with honey then with vinegar. It also makes them taste better. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (05-21-2009) Green Day is here to talk about their new album 21st Century Breakdown. I believe it's about Windows Vista.
Stephen: (05-21-2009) I'm all that and a bag of celery. I'm trying to slim down for bikini season. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-01-2009) Congratulations to Conan O’brian on his first show tonight, which I believe starts at midnight. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-04-2009) This shows got everything. From Soup, to Nuts. By the way, stay away from the soup, my nuts were in there. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-15-2009) Bathing suit season is right around the corner. For you prudes who still wear them.  This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-18-2009) To make a long story short, give Joe Biden a sedative. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-19-2009) Summer is in full swing. Hey summer, consider a jock strap. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-24-2009) You snooze. You loose. Unless it's a sleeping contest. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-25-2009) Hey yogurt, if your so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (06-30-2009) Burny, look on the bright side. When you get out, nobody will suspect a 221 year old man. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-01-2009) Todays Canada Day and I celebrated it the way I always do, by not knowing its Canada Day. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-02-2009) Next week, its reruns. Ill still be here doing my show, but the camera's will be on vacation. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-13-2009) A broken clock is right twice a day. So go out and get yourself 720 clocks. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-14-2009) Tonight's the all star game. Don't let the exciting game fool you. Its still Baseball. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-15-2009) Is this a wand in my pocket or am I just happy to see the new Harry Potter movie? This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-16-2009) The Sears tower is now called the Willis Tower. Man, Bruce Willis is loaded. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-21-2009) Its all fun and games, till somebody loses an eye. Then the game becomes "find the eye". This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-22-2009) A mothers work is never done. Which reminds me, "mom, cue the theme music". This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-27-2009) If anyone at Comic-Con found a pair of Dark Brown, pin on Princess Leia buns with the initials S.C., their not mine. But you can send them here. This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-29-2009) Todays Colbert Club Kids activity, color in more of my hair! This Is the Colbert Report!

Stephen: (07-30-2009) Frank what are you doing? This Is the Colbert Report!

Unidentified season

Stephen: [on capital punishment] I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't even have a religion if it wasn't for capital punishment.

Stephen: The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun!

Stephen: Where does Congress get off saying that people have a right to Habeas Corpus? It's like they're holding these truths to be self-evident!

Stephen: We can't let the terrorists know that we have Abraham Lincoln frozen underneath the Library of Congress, and we'll unfreeze him as soon as we find a cure for shot in head.
[Audience boos]
Stephen: Too soon?

Stephen: Asia: Four little letters, three billion little people.

Stephen: Keep those letters coming, folks. An unpaid intern skims each one.

Stephen: I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears--bears are godless killing machines!

Stephen: Bears pounced on one of our nation's biggest corporations like happy Germans on Poland.

In reference to Dan Rather's "Courage" signoff in 1986 and later on his last program in 2005:
Stephen: Until then, America: courage. No, that sounds weak. How about: have some balls.

Stephen: Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

Stephen: Until next time, sleep tight, America, in the knowledge that I'll be sleeping, too. Protecting you from the wolf-headed creature which haunts your dreams.

Stephen: "There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.

Stephen: So you're the Fashion Editor at the Washington Post. Isn't that like being the Dance Critic at the Southern Baptist Convention?

Stephen: [On Condoleezza Rice] Yeah, I agree, she is sexy in sort of an ice-cold preying mantis sort-of-way.

Stephen: Help control the pet population: Teach your dog abstinence.

Stephen: [weeping] We were the Steel Magnolia Ya-Ya Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!

Stephen: Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Stephen: Giving a fly glasses is like giving a bear nunchucks.

Stephen: [On not winning the 2006 Pulitzer Prize[ Come on, that's easy! That's like winning an Oscar for playing a retarded guy. It's a gimme! So from now on, let's just say that Stephen Colbert is not me, he's a character, and he's retarded but he doesn't know it.

Stephen: I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.

Stephen: I talked to Bay Buchanan, founder of the Political Action Committee, to get immigrants out of America. Sounds like a hard job. We should find some immigrants to do that.

Stephen: You know, the World Cup is still going on and I thought that if I ignored it long enough, it would just go away... Like my emotions. (from 2006)

Stephen: Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.

Stephen: I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols.

Stephen: Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.

Stephen: [On speculation that JK Rowling will kill off Harry Potter in the seventh book.] Wise move. He's a wizard; he should have been stoned a long time ago. Leviticus, read it!"

Stephen: And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it.

Stephen: [On Joe Lieberman.] He's running as an independent Democrat which, if I'm not mistaken, is the political equivalent of a Labradoodle.

Stephen: In order to keep ourselves safe, we must first take the safety off.

Stephen: We have barely recovered from the original Y2K. If you don't remember, seven years ago at the stroke of midnight, planes fell from the sky, the banking system collapsed and power grids caught fire from coast to coast. Or so I assume. I was locked in my underground shelter cleaning my zombie rifle.

Stephen: Jesus forgives sinners, not criminals.

Stephen: Need I remind you that if the Democrats take control of Congress, Democrats will be in control of Congress!

Stephen: America is in the middle of a coast-to-coast heat wave. Good thing for you, I'm America's biggest fan.

Stephen: Both of our wands contain the same piece of phoenix feather.

Stephen: Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.

Stephen: You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.

Stephen: I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what are the facts.

Stephen: Changing 'French fries' to 'Freedom fries' was arguably this Republican Congress's greatest accomplishment.

Stephen: Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one... Fox News. That is within a margin of error of plus-or-minus the facts.

Stephen: You're either gay or you fight it.

Stephen: [about Charles Darwin] He got totally hammered, woke up in bed next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all ok.

Stephen: Am I right? [applause] Evidently I'm right.


  • He's a journalist with gravitas, with dignity, with balls.
  • It's French. Bitch.
  • America's most described journalist.
  • Steering the great ship of News through the channels of Truth.
  • It's what Lincoln would have watched.
  • Respected... Trustworthy... Smooth.
  • Good.
  • There's only one word to describe it: Trustigious.
  • If this were Venezuela, they'd nationalize him.
  • No. Free. Rides!
  • You gave us Neil Young, we give you me.
  • President Bush, have a hotdog with me.
  • Multi-grain.
  • Vote.
  • Factose Intolerant.
  • Colmes-free since 2009
  • Juice it!
  • Purple-Mounted
  • Lincolnish
  • Fundit


See also

External links

Wikipedia has an article about:

Simple English

The Colbert Report is a television talk show starring Stephen Colbert. Stephen Colbert acts as if he is very Republican, though in reality he is very liberal.

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