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The Drew Carey Show
Format Sitcom
Created by Drew Carey
Bruce Helford
Starring Drew Carey
Ryan Stiles
Diedrich Bader
Kathy Kinney
Christa Miller
Kevin Pollak
Craig Ferguson
John Carroll Lynch
Cynthia Watros
Opening theme "Moon Over Parma"
(1995–1996, 2002–2004)
"Five O'Clock World" by The Vogues
(1996–1997, 2002–2004)
"Cleveland Rocks" by The Presidents of the United States of America
Country of origin United States
No. of seasons 9
No. of episodes 233 (List of episodes)
Executive producer(s) Bruce Helford (entire run)
Drew Carey
Deborah Oppenheimer (both; seasons 4–9)
Clay Graham
(seasons 4–5 and 7–9)
Richard Day (season 4)
Bruce Rasmussen
(seasons 6–9)
Robert Borden (early season 6)
Holly Hester (mid-late season 6)
Les Firestein (seasons 6–9)
Mike Teverbaugh
(seasons 7–8)
David A. Caplan
Dan O'Keefe (both; seasons 8–9)
Camera setup Film; Multi-camera
Running time 22 minutes
Production company(s) Mohawk Productions
Warner Bros. Television
Original channel ABC
Picture format 480i (SDTV; entire run)
720p (HDTV; seasons 7–9)
Original run September 13, 1995 (1995-09-13) – September 8, 2004 (2004-09-08)
Status Cancelled/ended

The Drew Carey Show is an American sitcom (set in Cleveland, Ohio) that aired on ABC from 1995 to 2004 and was known for its "everyman" characters and themes. The show revolved around the character of Drew Carey, an office worker who has had a long-life working experience, and the highs and the lows of his romances and his relationships to long-time friends Lewis, Oswald and Kate.

The show was created by comedian Drew Carey, who had both stand-up and writing experience, and Bruce Helford, who was once a writer for Roseanne. It was the first television show to have an episode simulcast on the Internet.[1]


Show background

Based on the real-life experiences of Carey's life, the show debuted on the ABC network on September 13, 1995, and was highly-rated for five years before sliding in popularity. Because the network had few hits on the schedule in 2001, it renewed the show for two additional seasons. However, the show further sank in ratings the following season, not unlike many other live sitcoms. Even its series finale's ratings were lower than otherwise would have been expected. The final two episodes aired on September 8, 2004. The show was produced by Mohawk Productions in association with Warner Bros. Television.

Buzz Beer

In addition to his job Drew, along with Oswald, Kate, and Lewis, had a small beer business that sprung from Drew's hobby as an amateur brewer. The beer they created was named by Oswald, called Buzz Beer, a concoction of beer and coffee that became extremely popular throughout the area. The beer was brewed and packaged out of Drew's garage.

Drew's boss Mr. Soulard tried to buy Buzz Beer from the circle of friends but Drew eventually reneged on the sale after realizing that he was hurting Kate, Oswald, and Lewis with his actions. He ended up buying the beer back for much more than he was paid for it.


The Drew Carey Show ran for nine years. Like many shows with long runs, the shows run can be broken down into several "eras."

"Moon Over Parma"/Chemistry Titles Era (1995–1996)

The first season of The Drew Carey Show was significantly different from the rest of the series. Drew and Mimi worked at Winfred-Lauder under Mr. Bell, who existed only as a voice on Drew's speakerphone. Mr. Bell was never seen until the last episode of the season after he was fired by the new owners. Other characters that appeared exclusively in this era were Drew's hillbilly neighbor, Jules, and his family. Drew's first girlfriend, Lisa, was introduced in this season, and she remained with the cast until the early episodes of the second season.

Nine of the episode titles were related to chemistry in some way with names such as "The Joining of Two Unlike Elements Is a Mixture" and "Isomers Have Distinct Characteristics". No explanation for this was ever given, and the tradition was abandoned by the end of the season. After episode 19, "Atomic Cat Fight", the remainder were given names relevant to their story line (such as, "Drew and Mrs. Lauder"). Episode 10's title, "Science Names Suck", pokes fun at the scientific type names.

Season One also had a three episode arc involving a seemingly innocuous comic strip Drew displayed in his cubicle which led to a hostile workplace lawsuit.

Buzz Beer, beer that had caffeine and tasted like coffee, was invented by the main characters in the last episode of the first season. The concept stayed with the series until the very end.

The first season's opening credits consisted of a caricature of Carey—consisting of his face (complete with glasses) and a yellow tie—singing the Robert McGuire-penned "Moon Over Parma." The song—actually sung by Carey—was trimmed for the opening sequence, and the reference to Eastlake in the line "Guide her to Eastlake underneath your silvery light" was changed to a reference to Cleveland.

Wick Era (1996–2002)

The second season was notably different from the first. The opening theme used in season one, "Moon Over Parma," was replaced by "Five O'Clock World" by The Vogues for episodes 10–22 and 24. The theme song for episode 8 was "What is Hip" by Tower of Power; other episodes contained "Moon Over Parma." The opening sequence was initially shown in full as the cold open of the second-season opener, "We'll Remember Always, Evaluation Day," which used "Moon Over Parma" as the main theme. These themes were then replaced in season three by "Cleveland Rocks", a cover by The Presidents of the United States of America of an Ian Hunter song although the theme did not make its first appearance until episode 3 of that season (the original was later used in a bloopers-filled episode).

Season two also introduced the concept of the music video-like opening as the cast danced and sang around the various sets of the show. In the second episode of the second season Nigel Wick was introduced to replace Mr. Bell.

Lisa and Drew moved in together early in the second season, but it didn't work out. However, this allowed the introduction of Speedy, Drew's dog, whose presence remained until the end of the series. Steve, Drew's cross-dressing brother, was introduced during this period. He eventually fell in love with Mimi and they had one child, Gus.

Drew was promoted several times, taking away Wick's job. However, Wick always managed to return and take Drew's job back from him. At the end of this era, Wick and Drew were co-managers of the Winfred-Lauder department store. Drew was also fired once, but got his job back by "marrying" Wick in Vermont, allowing him to get his green card. This was also the era in which series regular Kate and Drew got romantically involved. They were on the verge of getting married, but they called it off when they realized they didn't feel the same about the prospect of children.

In the episode when Drew lost his job, he remarked: "How am I gonna get my job back? I'm sick and tired of watching game shows. Someone come on down and kill me!" This was a reference to The Price is Right, which is well-known for the catchphrase spoken by all of its announcers. In the wake of Bob Barker's retirement, Carey was named the show's new host in 2007.

The season four premiere featured an appearance from Daffy Duck, a character created by the animation division of the show's main production company, Warner Bros., in 1937. At the time, ABC was also airing a number of post-1948 Looney Tunes cartoons on Saturday morning.

This era of the show was also known for its special events episodes. Virtually every season had two such episodes: "What's Wrong With This Episode?" and "Drew Live". The first contained a large number of deliberate mistakes; the person who could catch them all and mail in the correct answers would win a prize. The second was a live show that was performed three times (Eastern/Central, Mountain, and Pacific Time zones), heavily featuring cast members from Whose Line is it Anyway?. These episodes had very loose plots, interrupted at regular intervals by improvisational games. Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Greg Proops, Chip Esten, Kathy Greenwood, Jeff Davis, and Laura Hall all joined for several games including Irish Drinking Song, Quick Change, a variation on Props, and some new games.

There was also the season 5 finale "A Very Special Drew", in which the cast indulged in intentionally manipulative and syrupy melodrama in a facetious attempt to get an Emmy nomination. This episode also breaks the fourth wall when Craig Ferguson touts the Emmy prospects of Nigel Wick, leading Kathy Kinney to snap "You'll never get an Emmy. Your character is too cartoonish." When the Emmy quest fails, Drew borrows about $50 from his friends, takes some money from his own wallet for a total of $80, and heads out to buy some Golden Globe awards.

By far the most extreme was the Drew Carey's Back-to-School Rock 'n' Roll Comedy Hour which was shown a few weeks before the first episode of the 2001 season. The show was a series of sketches which was far closer in content and tone to Saturday Night Live or MADtv than The Drew Carey Show.

This tradition of bizarrely themed episodes was parodied by Carey's friend "Weird Al" Yankovic in his song "Couch Potato" (itself a parody of Eminem's "Lose Yourself"), which referred to "a special all-Pig Latin episode of Drew Carey".

Another noteworthy episode was "Never Been to Spain", but solely for behind-the-scenes occurrences. The episode saw Lewis and Oswald becoming airport security guards and – unsurprisingly – proving quite incompetent at it. As the public learned, ABC threatened to pull the plug on the episode – claiming fears of insensitivity after the 9/11 attacks. The network was widely criticized for this and the production staff was reportedly very angry with them.

Neverending Store Era (2002–2004)

In the fall of 2002 the show returned. The concept of Winfred-Lauder and the characters' jobs there was abandoned completely. Show openings alternated with a total of nine different re-recordings of the previous theme songs, accompanied by remixes of the credits and logo; however, the opening was still a montage of various moments from past seasons of the show. The new concept involves Drew getting a job at the company that rented the building occupied by Winfred-Lauder, an Internet start-up department store called "Neverending Store," a possible pun on the novel Neverending Story. Mimi gets a job as well, and Mr. Wick gets the only job he's qualified for; janitor. However, Wick stopped appearing altogether after a few episodes; it has been said that Craig Ferguson—who portrayed Wick—was away filming a movie at the time, so this would be the reason for Wick's disappearance. Steve was also phased out in the same way. The most notable change, however, was when Kate O'Brien, played by Christa Miller, one of the show's main cast, left to have a recurring guest-star role on her husband Bill Lawrence's show Scrubs. She was quickly replaced with Kellie, an old high school friend of Drew's who had been working as a stripper.

Drew's bosses were a set of twenty-something Internet geeks. The combination of high intelligence, low social skills, and hacker naïveté created a very different sort of humor for the show. However, they weren't the main focus. Like in the first season, Drew's life outside the office took center stage once again.

The show began featuring cameos from reality-TV participants in the final two seasons, such as former Road Rules star Timmy Beggy, The Real World alumna Cara Khan, and The Amazing Race winner Reichen Leikmeuhl.

Tony the Bus Driver (Bill Cobbs) became a main fixture, appearing in virtually every episode of the last two seasons. He typically played a role similar to a smart-alecky bartender that Drew could tell his problems to. (One of the first lines he uttered in the series: "There's only one reason a man doesn't want to go home at the end of the day: ugly children.")

In the eighth season Drew decided that he would get married a year from the date he set; a day which would coincide with the last episode of the season. Drew made the deadline by marrying Lily, but he would realize in the process that he was in love with Kellie. The eighth season was put in a dead timeslot on Monday nights, frequently clashing with Monday Night Football. It was pulled mid-season and the remaining episodes were shown during the summer 2003. ABC was forced to finance a ninth season, even though they had effectively canceled the show. The ninth season did not show during the fall 2003, but ended up getting shown in the summer 2004, with some of the episodes out of order.

The last season's tone changed radically from the previous seasons. The directors started experimenting with one-camera set-ups, showing that the sets were completely built, there actually were four walls in most rooms, and the rooms were actually linked together. The writers were equally brazen, as they had Gus burn down Mimi's house, forcing her to move in with Drew after Steve left her. Drew and Mimi's mutual hatred of each other finally vanished and they became friends.

The season ended with Drew getting Wick's help to open up a department store, using the vacated building that Neverending Store left behind. However, Drew is quickly kicked out of his job as store manager by Wick, who has been given his job by the project's sole investor: his father-in-law. Mimi is also relieved of her vice-presidency and made Mr. Wick's assistant, Drew becomes the assistant director of personnel. Drew goes and sits at his desk, the surroundings are now the same as the Winfred-Lauder set that hadn't been seen for two years, and Barry Manilow's "Looks Like We Made It" starts up.

The actual final episode follows as Drew and Kellie's first child is born, scant moments after the two are married. The final scene is Drew playing pool in his backyard in the rain; the same scene that ended the first episode. He looks up at the camera and thanks the audience, saying it has been fun. The series ends with a montage of the actors on Hollywood Boulevard with fans at Drew's "star" and the cast at a bowling alley and, finally, at a party on the set of the Warsaw set to "You Can Still Rock in America".

Cast and characters

Main characters

Minor Characters

Guest stars

  • Penn & Teller as Genn and Feller in "Drew Meets Lawyers" (season 1, episode 6) and "See Drew Run" (season 2, episode 17)
  • David Cross as Earl in "Drew and the Unstable Element" (season 1, episode 13) and "Two Drews and the Queen of Poland Walk Into a Bar" (season 2, episode 20).
  • Nikki Cox as Drew's cousin Kirsten, who briefly dates Mr. Wick in "Drew's Cousin."
  • Tim Allen as himself in "The Front" (season 1, episode 17)
  • Norm McDonald as Simon Tate in "The Bully You Know" (season 2, episode 4)
  • Joey Ramone, Dave Mustaine, Slash, Lisa Loeb, Dusty Hill, Johnny Lang, Rick Nielsen, Michael Stanley, Matthew Sweet and Roy Clark as themselves in "In Ramada da Vida" (season 4, episode 2)
  • Triple H as The Disciplinarian, Pro Wrestler Sponsor for Buzz Beer
  • Henry Rollins as E-Bay Ass Kicking Guy and Amy Farrington as Bonnie in "Hickory Dickory... Double Date" (season 8, episode 5)
  • Gregory Jbara as Ron in "Drew and the Conspiracy" (season 4, episode 1) and "Golden Boy" (season 4, episode 3).
  • Charles Nelson Reilly as Mr. Hathaway, Lewis's boss, in "The Salon" (season 3) and "DrugCo" (season 4)
  • Joe Walsh, in numerous episodes, as Ed.
  • "Weird Al" Yankovic as himself in "Drew Between the Rock and a Hard Place" (season 4)
  • Rush Limbaugh as himself in "The Salon" (season 3)
  • French Stewart as Buddy in "Drew's Best Friend" (season 9, episode 10)
  • Colin Mochrie as Eugene in "She's Gotta Have It", "Drew Live", and "Drew Live II"
  • The Reverend Horton Heat as The Underprivileged in "That Thing You Don't" (season 3, episode 10)
  • Susan Saint James (Christa Miller's real life aunt) as Kate's mother in "Drew and Kate and Kate's mother".
  • Carol Channing and Donald Trump as themselves in "New York and Queens".
  • Jamie Lee Curtis as Sioux in "Playing a Unified Field".
  • Steve Buscemi as Mimi's lawyer in "Mr. Louder's Birthday Party".
  • Adrienne Barbeau as Oswald's mother. (6 episodes)
  • Daffy Duck as himself (Applies at Drew's work place for a job in scene before opening title) in "My Best Friend's Wedding".
  • Julia Duffy as Lindsey Mercer, Lord Mercer's ex-wife who takes control of Winfred-Lauder as a part of the divorce agreement, but sells it back to Lord Mercer after W-L begins to go down. (April 10, 2002 – season 7, episode 23: "Rich Woman, Poor Man")



The show finished its first season (1995–1996) barely in the Top 50, placing 48th in the Nielsen ratings, with an average rating of 10.1. The second season did considerably better, making it into the Top 20 finishing the 1996–1997 season 18th in the Nielsen ratings with an average rating of 11.5. Viewership increased 13.9% from season one.

The show finished its third season at a higher place in the ratings, placing 16th with an average rating of 11.1 during the 1997–1998 season; however, the ratings share was a drop of 3.5% from the second season.

During season four (1998–1999), the series finished the season in the Nielsen ratings higher in the Top 20 making it to 14th place but with an average rating of 9.9, a decrease of 10.8% from the third season.

The show finished the 1999–2000 season 24th in the Nielsen ratings, the first time since season one that the show was not in the Top 20, with an average rating of 9.5, a decrease of 4% from the fourth season. This was a much smaller drop than many series suffered (given the erosion of network audiences). This was also a smaller drop than it suffered the season before. The shows 2000–2001 season finished 41st with an average rating of 8.23, a decrease of 13.4 percent from the fifth season.

ABC signed a new contract to keep the show on through a ninth season, even though the show had yet to enter its seventh season at that time. The 2001–2002 season saw one of the show's biggest drop in ratings, finishing 57th with an average rating of 5.9, a significant drop of 28.3% from the sixth season. The show finished the 2002–2003 season 119th with an average rating of 3.29, a drop of 44.23 percent from the seventh season. This caused ABC to put the series on hiatus, airing the rest of the season in the summer of 2003. Unable to get out of their contract, ABC was forced to allow the show to film a ninth season, paying three million dollars per episode. Not doing well enough to make a slot in the fall, the ninth season was aired during the summer of 2004.

Season Years Rank Rating
Season 1 1995–1996 #48 10.1
Season 2 1996–1997 #18 11.5
Season 3 1997–1998 #16 11.1
Season 4 1998–1999 #14 9.9
Season 5 1999–2000 #24 9.5
Season 6 2000–2001 #41 8.2
Season 7 2001–2002 #57 5.9
Season 8 2002–2003 #119 3.3
Season 9 2004 (summer only) n/a n/a


The Drew Carey Show entered off-network syndication in September 1999 and continued until 2006. During the early 2000s, The Drew Carey Show was seen on TBS. ION Television aired reruns of the show from 2007–2009, premiering on New Year's Eve 2007, with the station promoting it as "The Drew Year." ION Television did not air all of the episodes as it only aired the episodes that aired from seasons 1–5; the channel also removed references to the male genitalia from certain episodes, the season 5 episode "Do Drew and Kate Have Sex?" being one in particular. The CW Television Network also aired episodes between 2008–2009.

As of February 2010, The Drew Carey Show is not currently being syndicated on any cable channel in the United States.

DVD releases

On April 24, 2007, Warner Home Video released the complete first season of The Drew Carey Show on DVD in Region 1. It is unknown if the remaining eight seasons will be released at some point.

The first season was released in Australia (Region 4) on September 10, 2008. Small distribution company Madman Entertainment, usually known for releasing anime and manga, has picked up the rights to the series.

DVD Name Ep# Region 1 Region 4 Special Features
The Complete First Season 22 April 24, 2007 September 10, 2008
  • 1-900-MIMI (a phone sex spoof featuring Mimi)
  • Life Inside a Cubicle Featurette

On February 28, 2006, a six-episode release of the sitcom was released on DVD entitled "The Drew Carey Show: TV Favorites". Initially, the DVD was exclusively sold at Best Buy, but later sold at other national retailers as well. The DVD features the episodes Pilot, Playing the Unified Field, We'll Remember Always, Evaluation Day, Drew Blows His Promotion, My Best Friend's Wedding, and DrugCo. However, this DVD has since gone out of print.


  1. ^ "The Capital Times". Sonic Foundry's finest hour. Retrieved March 1, 2007. 

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

The Drew Carey Show (1995-2004) was a television show that chronicled a Cleveland blue-collar everyman's working life, the ups and downs of his romances, and his strong relationship with his long-time friends.


Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Lewis: ... and that's why the French don't wash.

Drew: [Drew refuses to hire Kate] No! It's even worse than when friends have sex, 'cause at least then you had sex!

Drew: Boy, a drive-thru liquor store. God bless America! A place where you can drive through and buy whiskey, beer...just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Can't stop now! I've got places to go, people to hit!

Drew: Ask me about my day, I dare you.
Lewis: Drew, how was your day?
Drew: You're not sincere enough.. [Points to Oswald] YOU! Ask me about my day.
Oswald: Drew, how was your day?
Drew: Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.

Miss Right [1.2]

Kate: Did you and Pam have a fight?
Lewis: No, we were just in the neighborhood and...she kicked me out of the car and drove away.
Drew: Did you try to get her to wear that thing again?
Lewis: Yeah.
Kate: I TOLD you women don't think those things are sexy!
Lewis: Hey, if it's not sexy, how come I had to order it from Mexico?

Lisa: Excuse me, Mr. Carey?
Drew: I'm sorry, my father's Mr. Carey. I'm Mrs. Carey.
Lisa: Want to smile so I know you're kidding?

Oswald: Did the pizza I ordered get here yet?
Drew: The pizza you ordered at my house? The place where I might not be? The guy who couldn't get a date if dates were magnets and his butt was due north?

The Joining of Two Unlike Elements is a Mixture [1.3]

Lewis: I now pronounce you drunk and disorderly. You may now kiss my ass.

Drew: [to Kate] It's not like I've been waiting for you my whole life.

Drew: Oh, man. I don't want to ruin somebody's honeymoon.
Mimi: Then don't get married.

Drew: [to Kate] We were 16, and you changed right in front of me, like I was the chair. Then I walked home crying. [Kate starts to apologize.] No, no. Don't feel bad. Then I wrote you a little letter, which I accidentally mailed to my grandma. And she wrote me back saying that she loved me too, you know, but not in that way.

Kate: So, did any of you ever have a little crush on me?
Drew: Maybe, when we were teenagers.
Kate: And?
Drew: And then we discovered my brother's magazines, and you became obsolete.

Oswald: [about Kate] I did carry her 8th grade picture around with me in my wallet. I told everybody she was my girlfriend. It was kinda sweet back then, but now I get the weirdest looks.

Lewis: Your mom was hot.
Oswald: Shut up!
Drew: Jazzercizing in her little disco shorts.
Oswald: Yeah? Well, maybe I watched your mom too, in her big polyester pant suit mowing the lawn!

Drew: All we need is a wedding dress, some handcuffs, and some flowers.
Lewis: Hey! I've got all that stuff in my trunk!

Lewis: Drew Carey, are you prepared to enter into this state of holy acrimony with Kate O'Brien? To drink with her, to cleave to her, to boldly go where at least twenty or thirty men have gone before?
Kate: Wait, wait! Single digits, please.

Lewis: And you, Kate O'Brien. Are you prepared to wed Drew, to bed Drew, to boldly go where no woman has gone willingly without the promise of a free dinner or cold hard cash?
Kate: I've had worse.
[Takes a drink from beer bottle]
Drew: Twenty or thirty guys.
[Wipes off the bottle thoroughly before taking a drink.]

Kate: What are you looking at? You never saw a bride in handcuffs walk down the aisle to polka music before? Where the hell have you been?

Kate: I'm so lucky that model got sick. That'll teach her to eat twice in one day.

Ed: Fine, Mr. Rules Guy. If you need me, I'll be living in a cardboard box. If I'm not there, try the gun shop. After that, just watch the news.

Lewis: Kate, don't worry about it. I mean, look at the Bride of Frankenstein. She got married after she was dead. There's still hope for you.

Kate: I don't need a husband. I just want a wedding.
Drew: I don't want a husband either. [mock-crying] I just want someone to appreciate how hard I work around this house!

Oswald: So what do you guys want to see tonight?
Kate: Anything but romance or Pauly Shore.
Oswald: I don't get it. What's wrong with romance?
Kate: Nothing's wrong with romance. I'll see a romantic movie, as long as there's blood and everybody gets blown up at the end.
Lewis: Well, let's see. We've got a couple of choices here then. Uh, "Headless in Seattle," or "The Way We Were Before You Blew Us Up."

Jules: You know, Drew, we try to be good neighbors. But you know, it's like you get rattled over every little thing.
Drew: I got a six-foot lizard on my pool table!
Jules: Well, what kind of weirdo puts a pool table outside? That's just asking for lizards.

Ed: We both know I'm not going anywhere with this job. I mean, how long can a guy stay in women's shoes? [Pause] Ha, ha, ha.

Kate: Where's the party for single people? Just once, I'd like to blow out the candles on a "Yes, I'm not pregnant!" cake.
Drew: Easy, Kate. You might want to save some of that bitterness for your forties.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum [1.4]

Lewis: Hey, I gave one guy three black eyes.

No Two Things in Nature are Exactly Alike [1.5]

Drew: [drafting a new memo] From now on, all employees will be required to bring their sense of humor to work every day. This replaces the normal practice of having a stick up your butt!

Drew Meets Lawyers [1.6]

Drew: I'm tired of giving in. I give in every day of my life! I give in to my boss, I give in to my neighbors, I even give in and buy American. And when that breaks, I buy American again!

Drew in Court [1.7]

Drew: Ms. Bobeck, will you please tell the court what you told me out in the hall? And remember, there were witnesses! [gestures to Kate, Oswald and Lewis]
Mimi: I said I think you're a disgusting pig and I hate your guts with an all-consuming passion.
Drew: After that.
Mimi: I'd do whatever it took to get you put away.
Drew: After that.
Mimi: You four-eyed butt weasel.
Drew: Your honour, I would like you to consider this witness' testimony impeached and i also would like to request a 10 minute recess becuase, well, that hurt!

Drew: How did I harass Nora by putting up that cartoon? Define sexual harassment for me!
Lewis: According to this, sexual harassment is any unwelcome touching or advance.
Drew: That's every sexual advance I make!

Drew: Here's a joke that won't offend anybody: a person and a person walk into a place. There, that's it.

Drew: [making closing argument] That guy at Tiananmen Square wasn't trying to stop a tank; he was trying to tell a funny knock-knock joke. 'Knock Knock. Who's there? A big-ass tank.' Lighten up, people!

Lewis' Sister [1.8]

Kate: How did it go?
Drew: We had really great seats. You could almost see the Angel of Death right behind Keith Richards.

Lewis: [about Drew and Janet] What if it doesn't work out? If she dumps you, it'll make things incredibly awkward. And if you dump her, there'll be nobody to comfort her because everybody will be too busy trying to catch the monkeys that are flying out of my butt.

Kate: Don't worry about Drew, he's just a big teddy bear! [Rubs his stomach.]
Drew: Kate, don't rub my stomach. How'd you like it if you were in a business meeting and I went over and honked your breasts?

Drew and Mrs. Louder [1.9]

Oswald: She sent a note... and it's a dirty note! 'The penis mightier than the sword!'
Drew: Let me see that...That's 'pen is,' you moron!

Lewis: Sounds like she's really got you by the 'pen is.'

Science Names Suck [1.10]

Drew: Fudgesicle. I like anything on a stick.

The Electron Doesn't Fall Far from the Tree [1.11]

Isomers Have Distinct Characteristics [1.12]

Kate: You put MIMI in Cosmetics?! Oh, great. Why don't we just put Ike Turner in the complaints department?

Drew and the Unstable Element [1.13]

Oswald: [about Earl] He's wicky in the wacky woo.

Drew and Mr. Bell's Nephew [1.14]

There is No Scientific Name for a Show About God [1.15]

Drew: Thanks, Mimi. You're a Saint...Bernard.

Mimi: So, I see you've got a Bible there. Let me save you some reading; you're going to Hell.
Drew: Yeah, I've always wanted to see your place.

Drew's New Assistant [1.16]

Drew: [After walking into Mimi's apartment] Wow! Suddenly my eyes won't focus.
Lewis: Boy, you go to a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap...

The Front [1.17]

[After Lewis and Oswald have been taking smart pills with no apparent effect]
Oswald: Let's go get some ice cream, my cavity is hurting and neurons are spiking through my cerebral cortex like electrons through a linear accelerator.
Lewis: ...What'd you say?
Oswald: ...I said, "C'mon, let's get going."
Lewis: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you said something smart. [They start to leave] Hey, are they still using linear accelerators?
Oswald: Actually, most particle accelerator accelerators are circular.
Lewis: Don't you mean "elliptical"?
Oswald: Ah, but aren't all circles ellipses? [They laugh] ... where's the car?
[They look around stupidly]

Playing a Unified Field [1.18]

Atomic Cat Fight [1.19]

Kate: We're not going to fight for a job.
Lewis: What if we provide a cage?

Drew: If Kate gets the job, then it's not because she's the best friend a guy could ever have. And if Lisa gets the job, then it's not because that's the only chance we have of dating. But if Mimi gets the job, I want you to kill me and find the microchip. I'd rather be dead than serve those stinking aliens!

Drew and Kate and Kate's Mom [1.20]

Mimi: [Mimi walks to her desk and sees the man who looks exactly like Drew.] So much crap, they had to start a second pile.

Kate: I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be? Men are slime.
Oswald: Amen to that, sister!

Kate: Kiss me.
Drew: What?!
[Kate leans in closer.]
Kate: Kiss!
Drew: Hey, you don't know what you're saying. You're drunk. And you've been throwing up.

Kate: Besides, I can have any man in this bar! Am I right? [Climbs on table]
Drew: Hey, she's been drinking! And I know there's not a man in this bar who'd take advantage of a woman who's been drinking.
Oswald: [whispering] I have a gun.
Drew: I have a gun!

Drew: You were drunk? Oh no. What am I going to do with this ring? And I already broke up with Lisa. I told my mother. She was so happy. [Pretends to cry] How could you do this to me? I suppose the sex didn't mean anything to you either!
Kate: Drew?
Drew': [still fake crying] What?!
Kate: You had so much to drink you couldn't even get your eyelids up.

Drew: This could work out, but you know, you'd have to be drunk all the time.

Drew: It's okay, Kate. There'll be other guys. Of course, your mom'll hate 'em, but eventually she'll be dead.

Lewis: [to the waitress] Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my rumpus room?

Mrs. O'Brien: So what's the matter? He's too stable? He's got too good of a job. Oh, he treats you too nicely. You know, I think you ought to stop looking at the guys with the tightest butts [pantomimes a butt with her hands] and start looking at [puts hands much further apart] Drew.

Kate: You're right. You know, I should call Drew right now and see if he wants to start a relationship. Because it's the end of the world, and my mother's been chugging COUGH SYRUP again!

Jay: But I don't have room in the cab.
Drew: Yeah, but you'd have room if your life depended on it, wouldn't you, buddy? Hear what I'm saying? Fire in the hole!

Drew: Hi, Mimi. Say, anyone ever mistake you for a woman?
Mimi: I'll have you know that men find me...
Drew: Yeah, I know. They find you with the lights out, or they find you at last call, or they find you blocking the view of the woman they want to hit on.

Drew: What do you think of Jay? He's a pretty nice guy, huh?
Mrs. O'Brien: Actually, he scares the life out of me.
Drew: No, Oswald's the one with the curly hair.

Lewis: Now do you think there's any way we can prove that Oswald's mentally incompetent?
Mrs. O'Brien: I think it would be harder to prove that he's not.

Drew: You've finally got a guy you can take home to Mom. What's not to like? [to Jay] I'd lose the earring.
Oswald: I'd take the hair down an inch.
Lewis: And how 'bout a skosh more room in those jeans?

Lewis: [to Oswald] Why don't you get Daddy a Jagrmeister?

Kate: [after her mother gives her a sweater] Ooh, I hope this is the one that lands me a man!

Kate: Sorry. Just killing Mom before time gets here.

Drew Gets Motivated [1.21]

Drew: I want this promotion more than ever.
Lewis: More than pubic hair when you were twelve?
Drew: Yeah, like I used that for the next eight years.
Oswald: What's it for anyway?
Jay: It's like the lettuce on the fruit plate. It's just for presentation.

Buzz Beer [1.22]

Oswald: If you'd bothered to swallow that, you would have realized it had absolutely no aftertaste.
Lewis: [Takes a sip, puckers lips, then smiles] You're right! The foul rotten egg taste is gone!

Mr. Bell: What's the matter, Carey? You act like you've never seen me before.

Jay: Coffee and beer together? I gotta pee just thinking about it!


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