Prince of Bel-Air was a sitcom that ran from 1990
- 1 Season
- 2 Season
- 3 Season
- 4 Season
- 5 Season
- 6 Season
Burnin' Down the House
- 6.2 Get a
- 6.3 Stress Related
Bourgie Sings the Blues
- 6.5 The Script
Formerly Known As
- 6.6 Not, I Barbecue
- 6.7 Not With My
Cousin You Don't
- 6.8 Viva Lost Wages
- 6.9 There's the Rub
- 6.10 There's the Rub
- 6.11 I, Ooh, Baby,
- 6.12 Boxing Helena
- 6.13 I, Clownius
- 6.14 Breaking Up Is
Hard to Do (1)
- 6.15 Breaking Up Is
Hard to Do (2)
- 6.16 I, Bowl Buster
- 6.17 The Butler's
Son Did It
- 6.18 Hare Today...
- 6.19 I, Whoops,
There It Is
- 6.20 I, Stank Horse
- 6.21 I, Stank Hole
in the One
- 6.22 Eye,
- 6.23 I, Done (1)
- 6.24 I, Done (2)
- 7 Cast
- 8 External Links
Fresh Prince Project
- Philip: Not so fast son. Now, we promised your
mother you were here to work hard, straighten out, and learn some
good old fashion American values.
[Hilary walks in]
- Hilary: Dad, I need $300.
- Vivian: Hilary, your cousin Will is here.
- Hilary: (Turns to Will) Hi. (Turns back to
Philip) Dad, I need three hundred dollars.
- Philip: That's a lot of money Hillary, what
- Hilary: I need to buy a new hat.
- Philip: For what?
- Will: Probably her head? (in a sarcastic
- Ashley: I'm really glad that you're living
- Will: Oh thanks, Ash.
- Ashley: You're like the big brother I never
- Will: Oh, wait. What are you talking about?
You got Carl... You're right. I see your point.
- Vivian: Sweetie, would you say grace,
- Ashley: Yes, mommy... (Starts rapping) Hey
there, lord. My name is Ashley Banks. My family and friends want to
give you some thanks. So before this dinner's all swallowed and
chewed, thank you God for this stupid food!
- Philip: I want to talk to you.
- Will: About what?
- Philip: You know. From the minute you walked
through that door, you've been a one-man wrecking crew, trying to
tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering
everything with your flippant shenanigans!
- Will: I was with you up until
[Will is dancing while stapling a poster of Malcolm X on his
wall; Geoffrey walks in and shuts off the radio]
- Will: Ay look who's here... Benson!
- Geoffrey: [hands Will a tuxedo] This
is for you.
- Will: Oh, but I didn't get you anything.
- Geoffrey: Your uncle has invited several of
his partners from the law firm to dinner tonight. At the time of
the invitation, he did not realize that your would be arriving so
soon and so it was too late to cancel.
- Will: Yo, we having a party? Oh, so we're just
gonna be stupid.
- Geoffrey: For some of us, that will require
very little effort indeed.
- Vivian: How was the flight, honey?
- Will: Yo the plane ride was stupid. I was up
in the first class...
- Philip: Excuse me?
- Will: No, I'm saying the plane ride was
- Philip: Excuse me?!
- Will: No... Stupid, dope, it's not what you
think. How would I say this... [in Bryant Gumbel like
voice] the flight was really neat.
- Will: Hey Uncle Phil! [hugs
- Will: [in British accent] Oh well uh,
cherrio and all that rot, and while you're at it, bring the horses
round would ya! [laughs]
- Will: [referring to Geoffrey] What
are you, Robo-Butler man?
- Will: Make it sound like we back on a
plantation be like "Massah William, Massah William!"
- Uncle Phil: Ashley, honey, where is your
- Ashley: Big Sal has it.
- Vivian: Big Sal? Who's Big Sal?
- Ashley: He owns this really cool store where
you don't even need any money. You just go in and give him
something you don't even want and he gives you this ticket
- Uncle Phil: A pawn shop?! You took her to a
- Will: Yeah you don't have many pawn shops in
Bel-Air. I had to drive all the way to east L.A.
- Vivian: East L.A.?
- Uncle Phil: How dare you pawn her
- Vivian: Phillip, when I met you, you were into
- Will: He liked James Brown?
- Vivian: He even wore his hair like him.
- Will: (laughs) He had hair?!
- Will: I got the power! I got the power!
- Uncle Phil: Vivian, what the devil is he
- Vivian: I Got the Power by Snap. Snap
is a great band.
- Carlton: Well, when Crackle and Pop cut a
disk, then call me.
- Will: What's so funny?
- Hilary: Carlton just told a joke.
- Will: No, no, no, no, Hilary. Carlton
is a joke.
- Ashley: Didn't you have a schedule for after
school when you were growing up?
- Will: Yeah, the TV Guide.
- Will: [in an exaggerated Morgan Freeman
voice] Yessum! I'd be more than happy to drive ya to
the Piggly Wiggly, Miss Daisy!
- Uncle Phil: [a record is being
played] Oh, listen to the violins. Beautiful. [gasps]
The oboes will be coming next...
[Jazz suddenly scratches the record] rirr ra rowuwuwuw
rerr rerr rirr rowwuw rerr rarrirowwuwuwuwawerr rirr rwowuwwuwuw
rirr reerrr ra rerr rowwuwwwuwuwuwuw...
- [Uncle Phil dropkicks Jazz out the
- Carlton: [explaining to Will what he
should say to impress the girl:] Might I say you rate a
perfect ten on my niftiness meter?"
Not With My Pig, You
- Uncle Phil: Will, there's something you should
know: sometimes parents just don't understand.
[Philip's mother, Hattie visits]]
- Hattie:: (Hugging Ashley) Ashley, look how
much you've grown!
- Hattie:: (Hugging Hilary) Hilary, look how
much you've grown!
- Hattie:: (Hugging Carlton) Carlton...Hi.
Homeboy, Sweet Homeboy
- Will: Hey, Uncle Phil, man, I don't think you wanna leave me
here all weekend. You know, with no adult supervision. Did you ever
see the movie House Party?
- Philip: No. Did you see The Terminator?
- Carlton:(recording on a tape recorder) Plans for Palm Springs.
One, work on golf swing. Two, review SAT practice book. Three, ask
Mr.Furth about a summer internship.
(Will pops up from behind his chair wearing a Freddy Krueger
- Will: Four, get the stick out of your butt.
- Carlton: (handing Will a bag of cookies) What do you
say to an Oreo?
- Will: I say, "What's up, Carlton."
(Will is hanging out of the sunroof)
- Will: No, man. No freeways, Carlton. Hey, Carlton, look out! A
low bridge! Aah!
(Comes back into car with his head inside his shirt)
Well, thanks a lot, man! Now we have to go back and get my head!
And I really liked that head!
- Officer: Ok, fellas. We've had a lot of car thefts in the area,
lately. You wanna talk about it?
- Carlton: Okay, I think it's terrible!
- Officer: You making fun of me, kid?
- Carlton: Well, you're the one who wanted to talk about it! Why,
frankly, I think it's a matter for the police to handle!
- Geoffrey: Lazy house.
- Will: Yo, G. What up, yo? This is Will. I need a big
- Geoffrey: I am tired of doing favors for you spoiled children.
I'm off duty. I am not an animal! (Hangs up)
- Will: Yo! I need another phone call. My butler hung up on
- Will: Come on, let's sing.
- Carlton: I'm not singing.
- Will: Oh come on, (singing) When Israel was in Egypt's
- Carlton: This is just retarded.
- Will: Come on, man. Let it go. It'll feel better.
- Carlton: (singing) Let my people go.
- Will: (Singing) Oppressed so hard they could not
stand..Carlton: (singing) Let my people go.
- Bob: (Singing) Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt's
land, tell old Pharoah to let my people go!(Stops
- Will: We gotta get out of here. That big dude is making me
- Carlton: Why?
- Will: Any time you see a white guy in jail, you know he did
- Will: We gotta get a message to Uncle Phil. He's a lawyer.
He'll get everything straightened out.
- Carlton: They won't give us another phonecall. Not like it
mattered. The game was on so loud Mrs Furth couldn't hear what I
- Will: The game?
- Carlton: Yeah, the big football game on TV. That's all
they do at these resorts.
- Will: OK, we outta here, man. I got an idea. YO, COPS! (to
police) My buddy here wants to confess. (Carlton looks at
him in shock)
- Reporter: The perpetrators agreed to confess, as long as there
was a camera crew present. (Camera shows Will)
- Will: Yeah, we done it! Word to Big Bird! We fixed eight
Benzitos, 15 Jags and a Mazzerati, but I ain't like the upholstery
so we took it back! Jack!
- Reporter: And do you have anything to say? (Shows Carlton)
- Carlton: Daaad!
- Vivian: (to police officers) This has got to be the bigest
amateur operation I have seen since Mayberry R.F.D!
- Sergeant: Have a seat, we're busy.
- Vivian: (Taking off her earrings) Oh, it's about to get really
busy up in here.......
- Officer: Good news Mr.Furth. Your car is safe and sound and we
got the perpetrators.
- Mr.Furth: Those aren't the perpetrators. Those are my partner's
son and nephew.
- Officer: Partner?
- Philip: Legal partner.
- Philip (to police officer): I've got a few questions for you.
When you got this alleged confession from these two young men, did
they have a lawyer present? No, because I'm their lawyer. Did you
notify their parents? No, because we're their parents. So officer,
don't tell us to wait and don't tell us to sit down. Just open that
damn cell and let those two boys out of there or I'm going to tie
this place up with so much litigation that your GRANDCHILDREN ARE
GONNA NEED LAWYERS!!!
- Officer: Open the cell Bob. (Officer opens cell, Will and
Carlton leave and he closes the cell again)
- Bob: One is the lonleist number since the number one ohhhhh, 2
can be as bad as one but the lonliest number is the number one
- Will: Yo, Carlton. Those cops were just doing their jobs?
- Carlton: Will, don't get all bent out of shape.
- Will: Man you ain't learn nothing for this weekend, did
- Carlton: I most certainly did. Always bring a map.
- Will: WHAT?
- Carlton: If we had a map, we wouldn't have to drive two miles
an hour trying to find a freeway entrance, and we wouldn't have
- Will: Oh, I get it now. We were stopped because we were driving
too slow. Yeah, we were breaking the slowness limit, huh? Well you
see, I've never heard of that law before. But there's one law that
I've heard before. It's called the "if you see a black guy
driving anything but a burnt-out Pinto, you better stop him because
he stole it law". Yeah I've heard that law before. But you
see, I thought it was the black guy law, when in actuality, it was
the slowness limit law. Gee, thanks for sharing that with me,
Carlton. Good night.
- Carlton: They were just doing their job.
- Will: Good night, Carlton.
- Carlton: What's your complaint here? We were detained for a few
hours, Dad straightened everything up and we were released. The
- Will: I hope you like that system, you're going to be seeing a
lot of it in your life.
- Carlton: Not if I bring a map.
- Will: You haven't learned a thing this weekend, no map is going
to help you, neither is your glee club, or who your daddy is.
Because when you drive a fancy car in a strange neighborhood, NONE
of that matters, they only see ONE thing. (taps Carlton on his
- Carlton: Well maybe where you grew up has made you a little
touchy. You're blowing this whole thing out of proportion. If you
look at the facts..........
(Will walks away disgusted)
- Carlton: Dad, if you were a cop, and you saw someone driving a
car at 2 miles an hour, would you stop them?
- Philip: That's what I asked myself the first night I was
- Will: (to Jazz) What kind of poem is
- Jazz: I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?
- Philip: We eat here later. You eat here
- Jazz: Looks like you eat here often.
- (Philip throws Jazz out the door again)
Prince Will Be in Effect (1)
Prince Will Be in Effect (2)
- Jazz: I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in L.A.
you don't give stuff like that away.
- Will: I dunno 'bout L.A., but in West Philly,
you mess with some other brother's girlie, you mess around and get
- Jazz:Well I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in
L.A. we're man enough to take that risk.
- Will: My brother, you wanna take this
- Will: Let's get something straight, Carlton.
I've been out here for two months. I've been yelled at at home,
screamed at school, I've been sent to detention several times, I've
been grounded, I've been threatened with expulsion almost on a
daily basis. I finally do something I get credit for, and you can't
take it. Well, I'm not about to sell myself short just so you can
look good. So just grow up.
- Cartwell: I was under the assumption...
- Coach: Ah. You made an assumption. Now, you
should never make an assumption, because you'll be an 'ass' and the
'ump' will 'shun' you.
- Carlton: Hey, Hilary. Did Dad mention me
during the game?
- Hilary: Yeah, he did say "Shut up, that's my
kid you're talking about!"
- Vivian: Hilary, your father and I just want
you to be all you can be.
- Hilary: You want me to join the army?!
- Vivian: Philip, I've been thinking about what
Hilary said. That stuff about us putting too much pressure on her,
how hard it is to live up to a college professor, how she believed
she couldn't admit to us she failed.
- Philip: You mean you bought that crap?!
- Will: This looks like a job for Sherlock
- Hilary: Alright okay! I can't take it any
more! I dropped out of college.
- Phillip:You did what?! ...Hilary when did this
- Hilary: 3 months ago.
- Vivian: 3 months ago?
- Phillip: and you have been lying to us since
- Vivian: 3 months ago?
- Hilary: Mother I can explain!
- Vivian: 3 months ago?
(after Hilary admits to Carlton that Will is blackmailing her
because she dropped out of college)
- Carlton: That's awful! Is he making you clean
- Hilary: No.
- Carlton: Will you clean miiiine?
- Hilary: Carlton!
- Carlton: I'm sorry, Hilary, but this is too
good to be true! Why should Will have all the fun?
- Hilary: Why you little-
- Carlton: DAAAAAAAAD-
- Hilary: I HATE YOU!
- Carlton: Somebody scratched the word "Fresh"
on the alumni desk. They already have a lead on who did it.
- Will: (Guilty) They do.
- Carlton: They think it was a Freshmen who lost
- Ashley: Lost his cool, that's funny. "Fresh"
means cool, right Will?
- Will: I can't keep up with this new hip
- Ashley: But I thought that's why they called
you the Fresh Prince?
- Phillip: Day damn one, Vivian! Day damn
- Will: Why do you humor this guy? The planet
he's on hasn't been discovered yet.
- Will: Uncle Phil told him to take his fancy 20
million dollar account, fold it five ways and stick it where Sparky
can't find it.
Young and the Restless
- Will: [Referring to Lady Penelope] G,
the Lady's a Tramp.
- Will: Opera? I thought she said Oprah.
- Kayla: Your momma.
- Will: Oh? What about my momma?
- Kayla: Your momma is so fat, they showed her a
picture of her feet and she couldn't identify them.
- Will: Well, your momma is so dumb, she went to
the theater and it said under seventeen not admitted so she went
home and got sixteen of her friends.
- Kayla: You know what? I shouldn't talk about
your momma. I feel sorry for your momma. Having such an ugly
- Will: Ugly?
- Kayla: You're so ugly, your momma had to tie a
pork chop around your neck just so the dog would play with
- Will: You're so ugly, your momma had to feed
you with a slingshot.
- Kayla: You're so ugly, that isn't a fade on
your head. That's your hair running away from your face.
- Will:Well you're so ugly that...uuhh...i cant
help it baby, you so fine.
- Will: All this legal stuff won't work. The
only legal phrase these people understand is "will the defendant
(after Little T kisses Ashley)
- Will: Uncle Phil, I am telling you he kissed
her right on the lips.
- Carlton: It was more on the cheek dad.
- Will: But he was aiming for her lips and he
missed. He's aggressive and inaccurate and that's a dangerous
Did the Earth Move for
Will: I'm stuck in a basement sitting on a
tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. I'm goin out of my mind i
thought she was fine don't know if her body is hers.
Lisa: Will would you stop you're fine.
Will: I'm a grown man, sittin' under a table,
huggin' a teddy bear, I, am not fine.
Lisa: It was just a little earthquake calm
Will: Hey, I'm from Philly, where the people
move, and the ground stays still.
- Hilary (to Philip): Daddy, if you're always
losing your keys, you should use my system.
- Ashley: What's that?
- Hilary: O.K., like I was always losing my car
keys, so I went down to the key store and had 30 copies made. That
way when I lose a key, I always have another one -- And next month,
I do the same thing.
- Ashley: That's your system?
- Hilary: Absolutely. I did the same thing with
our house key.
- Philip: You mean, there are copies of our
house key all over Los Angeles?
- Hilary: Don't worry, daddy. I put our name and
address on all of them.
Mother of All Battles
- Dr. Hoover: Speaking as a doctor, I think your
daughter oughta be heavily sedated and immediately
- Philip: Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only
say that your daughter suits the criminal profile to a T. Right
down to the low, sloping forehead, and the wide jaw suitable for
grains and small rodents!
- Dr. Hoover: I think you must have her confused
with yo' mama.
- (Philip punches him, and Hoover falls on Will)
- Will: That's it, Uncle Phil! You're
Will Gets a
- Vivian: Maybe Will did get a job.
- Philip: Oh please, Vivian, you'd believe that
boy if he told you that he was a big rap star whose album just went
platinum.(In real life Will Smith had actually just gone
- Will: [Dressed up as a pirate in a pirate
themed restaurant] Welcome to the Briny Deep, where none of
our prices are ever too steep. We've got fresh fish, you can look
at our tank, to get to the bathroom make a left at the plank.
- Philip: Hmm what to drink.
- Will: Well, sir, we do have all three flavors
- Philip: I'll have a Cola wise guy.
- Will: The funky fresh is back in the flesh
with a vengance holmes.
Carlton: Yes, I got a 114. I'm in the 90th
percentile. I'm the smartest guy in the world.
Vivian: Carlton, that's wonderful.
Carlton: What score did you get, Will?
Will: I got a 91.
Vivian: Well, that's a good reason to take this
test over again, Will. (Will then snatches Carlton's results away
from him, realizing that he originally read it the wrong way.)
Will:You got a 114? Wait, I got a 116. The 91
must have been my percentile.
Carlton: But that means...
Will: (laughs deeply) Now who's the smartest
guy in the world? Carlton, you're gonna love driving those big
(Will and Carlton enter the kitchen with cleaning
Carlton:(about the PSAT) I don't believe it. You
couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere, there's an asian Will
Smith and he's really ticked.
Will: Carlton, it was one meesily little
percentile point, alright. But, I won't hesitate to throw it in
your face if you don't leave me alone.
Carlton: Well, everyone still knows I have the
superior intellict.(he sprays the kitchen window)
Will: Than why are you using car wax on the
window?! (patronising voice) This a window. This Windex? Can you
say that little man?
Philip: Carlton, you can wear my old Princeton
sweater today for good luck.
Will: Or he could throw it in the air and plug up
that big hole in the o-zone.
Hilary: Geoffrey just looked back and gave a
sad little wave.
Will:(to Ashley) And fortunately, you're too young
to know what he was waving.
Geoffrey (mockingly, after Philip makes an
offer for a small raise): Thank you, sir. And, with my new-found
wealth, I shall be able to treat myself to a Happy Meal!
Carlton: I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad
food and daily threats of violence. I'll have to get a Jheri Curl
Will:Carlton, They're not gonna send you to jail
for cheating on a test
Carlton: I wasn't talking about jail, I was
talking about public school!
- Will: Hey, grandma. What do you think?
- Hattie (walking in the living room to see
Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Six years of Oprah
and this is still a shock.
- Carlton: It's a bet, Grandma.
- Hattie: Don't tell me what happens if you
lose. In fact, I don't want to know what happens if you win. Oh,
Hell. Let's just never mention it again.
- Uncle Phil (walking in the living room to see
Carlton in a dress being sewn by Will): Son -- and I use that term
- Carlton: Dad, it's not what it looks like.
Will and I are making a dress.
- Uncle Phil: That's exactly what it looks
Guess Who's Coming to
- Bobby: Cousin Carlton, Tomorrow, can you take
me to Disneyland?
- Carlton: Forget it. I will not be an
accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse.
- Carlton (He's got jungle fever, she's got
jungle fever, they got jungle fever): So Will what did you
- Will: I think you were deprived of oxygen at
- Will: Bobby I like it whenever you come. They
all appreciate me after you leave.
- Carlton (looking at Will's feet): You need a
- Will: Well, I would crack on your feet but
they don't reach all the way up here. Is that your feet or did you
- Will (to Carlton): I think you were deprived
of oxygen at birth.
- Jazz (in the back of Will's car): Yo, who cut
- Oh, Mr. Banks. Sorry, I didn't see you... as hard as that is to
- Uncle Phil (to Will about his new car): Until
I see some insurance papers, you're not driving this car. In fact,
what kind of idiot would sell a car without insurance?
- Jazz: I resent that. Ah, the joke's on you,
Mr. Banks. You can't throw me out, 'cause I'm already outside.
- (Uncle Phil picks up Jazz then proceeds to throw him into the
- Jazz: Ahh!
- Will: You've heard of the Batmobile, get a
load of the Rapmobile!
- Uncle Phil: What is that smell?
- Will: Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I thought I
- Uncle Phil: No, no.. I didn't mean that.
Smells like cheap cologne and fried chicken...
- Jazz: I resent that. Oops.
Uncle Phil throws Jazz out the door
- Jazz: Ahhh!
(Referring to Hilary's boyfriend)
- Carlton: He's just a preppy suck-up, he
reminds me of someone.
(Hilary's boyfriend sucks up to Phil)
- Will: Carlton, you're a dust-buster compared
to that guy.
(After stealing silverware they thought was theirs)
- Will: Carlton, why do I have service to eight
in my drawers?
- Sonya Lamor: Hello darling...NO
- Hilary: I hope there's no papparazzi around
- Sonya Lamor: Oh don't worry darling, they
don't know I live here
- Hilary: No, it's because people mistake me for
The Butler Did
- (Will enters the kitchen carrying two suitcases.)
- Carlton: Will, it's nice of you to help Mom
and Dad with their bags.
- Will: Oh yeah, man. I mean, they treat me so
good here, I do whatever I can to repay their kindness.
- Carlton: Can't wait for them to leave either,
- Will: Does Barry White want seconds?
Will [looking at Carlton's book cover]: "How To Beat The Odds?
Sorry C, there's no way to beat it. You're odd."
- Will: Carlton, skiing is for white guys named
Sven, and O.J. Simpson.
- Carlton: Oh, Will, you deprived product of the
ghetto. Skiing is an exhilarating sport.
- Will: What is exhilarating about strapping two
sticks to your feet, flying down a hill at 90 miles an hour, and
then slamming into a tree?
- This is L.A., man. If I wanted to get my head cracked, I'd star
in the next Rodney King video.
Hilary Gets a
- Will: [to Hilary] I've been busting
my hump ever since you got a job.
- Uncle Phil is reading off the family's credit card
- Uncle Phil: Carlton, ninety dollars for a pair
of socks? That's ridiculous.
- Aunt Viv: It certainly is. Oh Philip, that's
- Uncle Phil: Oh...Ashley. How could you manage
to charge eighty dollars worth of trinkets on our account at the
- Aunt Viv: That's eighty cents. Sweety, do you
need to get your eyes checked?
- Uncle Phil: Don't be ridiculous Vivian.
- Aunt Viv: This has been going on for months.
If you move the TV any closer to the bed, I'll be sleeping with Jay
- Uncle Phil: Now, this looks like it says "300
dollars for shoes." What's that say?
- Aunt Viv: 300 dollars for shoes.
- Hillary: Point being?
(Will and his friend sitting at the table eating...)
Carlton: Will everybody knows why your in
training. No fats, no chocolate, and no women.
Will: Then i should probably cancel my date
with that fat chocolate woman!
Carlton: Will you better listen to me if you
want me to be your manager.
Will: My manager? i don't even want you to be
Carlton: i didn't hear that...
Tyriq: He said he doesn't even want you to be
- (Geoffrey's down on his millionaire girlfriend, and Will
starts singing the blues and playing harmonica)
- Will (singing): ...My butler is black
...My butler is blue ...'Cause his honey's got green ...coming out
- (Carlton is helping Uncle Phil to try on wigs.)
- Carlton: What do you think of this one,
- Uncle Phil: I look like Little Richard,
Attorney at Law.
- Geoffrey: Dinner is served. (sees
- (Geoffrey sneezes)
- Vivian: Geoffrey, it sounds like you're
getting a cold.
- Geoffrey (speaking with nose stuffed up): Not
at all, madam. It was barely a stipple. There you go, Master
- Will: Thanks a lot, G. It looks great.
- (Geoffrey sneezes in Will's cereal)
- Will: Yo, Carlton. Breakfast!
- Jazz: Mr. Banks, I'll earn my keep. I'll do
everything that Geoffrey does.
- Uncle Phil: Geoffrey bathes.
- Jazz: I can learn.
- Aunt Viv: Philip, get him.
Uncle Phil throws Jazz and the life-size Bill Cosby
cardboard cutout out the back door
- Jazz: Ahhh!
- Will: Will Smith, tonsils.
- Max Jakey (Milton Berle): Max Jakey...
everything else. Sweaty palms, kid? First-timer, huh?
- Will: Man, you trippin'. I was 15 when I
first... You mean surgery.
- Dr. Baylor(whose glasses are on his
head): I've gotta find those glasses.
- Will (praying): God, please don't let
me leave here with breasts.
Eyes on the
- Jazz (to Will, referring to Tyriq): What's he
- Tyriq (to Will, referring to Jazz): No, what's
he doing here?
- Will: Now, y'all not still mad about that
- Tyriq (to Will, referring to Jazz): He sold me
a fake Rolex.
- Jazz (to Will, referring to Tyriq): He paid
with a fake $20.
- Will (To Tyriq): Now, first of all. You should
have known it was fake when you saw that the warranty was only for
- Will (To Jazz): And you should have known the
Jackson on the $20 ain't Jermaine.
- Jazz: They all look the same to me.
- Bob Eubanks: What is the capital of Ohio?
- (Tyriq rings buzzer)
- Eubanks: Tyriq?
- Tyriq: That would be the capital "O",
- Eubanks: "O"?
- Tyriq: Yeah, You know, Ohio. Capital "O",
Little "h". Do I have to spell the whole thing?
- Eubanks: I guess I didn't say "capital city".
We're gonna have to get a ruling from our judges. Judges, what do
- (Right answer bell dings)
- Eubanks: Sounds like the judges are accepting
- Will: Sounds like the judges drank their
Aunt Who Came to Dinner
Helen: Lester, Don't make me get Ethnic on
Helen: You know how they say men are animals in
Vivian: [*smirks*] Yes?
Helen: Well I don't.
Be My Baby
- (at the Gingham Turtle restaurant, where Carlton is performing
- Woman: Take it off!
- Vivian: Put it on!
- Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!
- Carlton (gasps): Mommy!
- (Carlton covers his chest with his hands)
- Uncle Phil:(to Will and Carlton) No dates, no
charge cards, no television, no movies, no phone calls, NO
- Philip: I wanna know what excuse you two have
for pulling such a stupid stunt.
- Carlton: We needed the money.
- Philip: For what? And I want the truth.
- Will: Alright, it's like this Uncle Phil. See,
Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.
- Philip: Federal offense. Go on.
- Will: Than we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to
get the money for the stock.
- Philip: Grand Larceny. Impressive.
- Will: Than we lost the money, so we had to
strip to get the bracelet back.
- Philip: That would be indecent exposure. Is
- Carlton: I'm afraid so dad. We never got the
clasp fixed on mom's bracelet.
(Philip, Carlton, and Will start laughing)
- Philip: You never got...I don't know what to
say. What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?
- Will: I don't know...reward us for our
honesty? (They laugh harder) Hey, it worked for the Beave.
(Philip laughs and says "the beaves" then suddenly stops)
- Philip: (screaming) DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY
How I Spent My Summer
- After Will touches a car
- Car Security System: You are too close to the
- Will: Who said that?
- C.S.S.: You are too close to the vehicle.
- Will: You already said that.
- C.S.S.: You have ten seconds before the alarm
- Will: Oh really? (sings the theme to Jepardy
while looking at his watch) Ha, ten seconds. I knew you were
- (The alarm sounds)
- Will runs into a police officer.
- Officer: Who were you talking to?
- Will: Oh, I was talking to the car.
- Officer: (sarcastically) Oh, the car
- Will: Yeah, hold on. (jumps on the back of the
car) It says "move or I'll kill you", something like that. (laughs)
- (The officer takes Will away.)
- Car Security System: You are too close to the
That's No Lady, That's
(Philip is telling Will and Carlton about his freshman year
- Philip: For extra money, I had to work for the
Princeton Daily. My first assignment was to interview the town's
most famous stripper: Boom-Boom Lasale.
(they start laughing)
- Will: I wonder why they called her that.
- Philip: For some reason, she took a liking to
me. So she invited me to come with her and her sister to her
dressing room for drinks.
- Will: You the man, Uncle Phil.
- Philip: Anyway, one thing led to another and
before you know it, this old country boy...(Vivian slams a plate of
food on the table in front of him) finished his Yoo-Hoo and went
- Vivian: Wait a minute, Philip. Go back to when
you finished your Yoo-Hoo.
- Philip: ASHLEY!
- Carlton:(women are everywhere in his
school now) It's a disgrace. It's a scandal. It's an
outrage.(a hot woman walks past him) It's the mother of my
(After Will sees a hot girl walking by)
- Will: HURT ME HURT ME! Whoa whoa whoa whoa
what's up baby?
- The Girl: The name's Veronica.
- Will: Ooh, Veronica, I like that.
- Veronica: Great, now I can die.
- Will: Whoa whoa whoa now baby, I noticed you
noticing me, and I just want to put you on notice, that I noticed
- Veronica: And?
- Will: And I just want to let you know that I
might let you consider being with me.
- Veronica: Is that what passes for a
- Will: Wait, listen-
- Veronica: No you listen. If you want a shot at
being with me. Maybe you should try talking to me like a normal
human being. Okay, GOT IT?
Will : No baby you got it but ill take donations
(Ashley is worried about her first day at a new
- Ashley: What if no one likes me?
- Will: Just do what Carlton does: give them
[Ashley walks into room and coughs AHEM and the boys crowd
- Carlton: Wow. Will, check out the talent.
She's cool, she's hot, she's...
- Will: ...YOUR BABY SISTER, MAN!
- Carlton: [shrieks]
[Ashley laughs and smiles]
[Carlton and Will rush over]
- Will:Yo! Ease back, man! Ease back!
[they chase the boys away]
- Carlton:What do you think your doing?
- Ashley: Buzz off, small stuff!
- Carlton: That's it, Ashley! I want you to--
I'm ordering you to look unattractive!
[Ashley rolls her eyes, looks away and laughs]
- Will: (to Ashley) What did you have
for breakfast, hormones?
- Ashley: Beat it! I'm workin' the room!
[Walks to boy]
- Ashley: Hi, Bobby
- Carlton: Where'd she learn to walk like
- Will: And where did she get that Le Presson
- Kenny: HURT ME, HURT ME! Yo, baby. See, I
noticed you noticed me and I wanted to give you notice that I
noticed you too! Baby, you float my boat!
- Will: I know you better float your midget boat
on out of here.
[pulls boy and pushes him into Carlton away from Ashley]
- Kenny:Will, man! Ease up!
- Will: No, you ease up, man! What you trying to
- Kenny: The same thing you're trying to do. I'm
just trying to press up this woman!
- Will: YO, THAT AIN'T NO WOMAN THATS MY
- Ashley:I am too a woman and I'd appreciate it
if you'd stay out of my business!
- Will: Don't you shake your neck at me like
- Ashley: Come on, Kenny!
- Kenny: Hey.
[they start to walk out]
- Carlton: AND DON'T SHAKE THAT EITHER!
[Ashley ignores Carlton and shakes her butt all the way out of
- Kenny: Baby I'm telling you. You got more
moves than a bowl of Jello. And there's always room for Jello.
- Ashley: Wow!
- Will: Dude sounds like a jackass.
- Carlton: Actually, Will, he sounds like
- Ashley: So when are we going out?
- Kenny: Oh, I don't know, baby. You have to let
me check my book and I'll get back to you. You see, I wanna make
sure I can give you, my undivided attention.
- Carlton: Actually Will he's better than
- Kenny: I mean look at you. You got it going
on. You got sweet hips, lips, and finger tips. (beautiful girl
walks by) But baby got back! (to Ashley) Bye, baby.
(while running to other girl) Whoa! Whoa! Wait a
- Carlton: Look I know my sister needs me, but
that girl is babe-a-licious!
- Will: Carlton, I think you know what you have
- Carlton: I know. But still, I would have like
to have been there for Ashley. (runs after the beautiful
- Ashley: Kenny ran after that girl.
- Will: Kenny is a different case.
- Ashley: Carlton ran after the same girl.
- Will: Well, Carlton is a basket case.
(A hot chick just passed by Will)
- Will: Girl. I know your feet must be tired,
cause you been running through my mind all day. Come 'ere.
Hilary Gets a
Mama's Baby, Carlton's
- Carlton: I'm going to show her I'm ready for
an adult relationship. (Pulls a cereal box from a grocery bag)
- Aunt Viv: Geoffrey will you go get
- Geoffrey: Yes Ma'am. (As he's walking up
the stairs out loud) Run Geoffrey. Fetch Geoffrey. I suppose
next you want me to catch a frisbee in my teeth.
(Will's on the phone with his mom)
- Will: Hey mom, it's me. (pause) No,
it's Will. (pause) Will Smith! Hey, there is alot of drama cutting
loose out here. (pause) No, I'm not in trouble, but
somebody we know is a grandma. (pause) Mom wait, I didn't
mean you-Mom, Mom, stop crying Mom. No it's not me, Carlton's the
father. (pause) Stop laughing Mom.
- (Philip and Vivian walk into the room.)
- Will: Uh, that's a large, pepperoni pizza with
extra olives. I love you. (hangs up, seeing Philip and Vivian's
confused look) That makes them bring it faster.
- Philip: (on the phone) Hello, and don't you
dare try to hang up on me! What kind of lowlifes are you to
endanger a helpless infant!? Well, I'm gonna do what I can to see
you behind bars, and WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT!? (pause)
Um... So, when will your mommy and daddy be home?
- Geoffrey (To Phillip about Carlton): I didn't
find him but I found $1.25 under his bed. Who knew Christmas would
come twice this year?
- Uncle Phil (to Carlton as he gets off from the
couch): Not you, stupid! Sit your butt down!
P.S. I Love
- Aunt Viv: I asked him[Judge Robinson]
to pass the salt and he told me to go long.
- Uncle Phil: He was just kidding.
- Aunt Viv: Phillip, he broke a window!
- Will: If I keep the motorcycle, I'm a pimp. If
I give it back, I'm a damn fool. Oh well, Pimp it is!
Boyz in the
- Uncle Phil: Okay, okay. We can't stay here.
We'll freeze to death. Just get all the stuff out of the back seat
and we'll... we'll go ahead on foot. Get out of the car.
- Will: But you just-
- Uncle Phil: GET OUT OF THE DAMN CAR!!
- Carlton: For a long time it gave me
nightmares, having to witness an injustice like that. It was a
constant reminder of how unfair this world can be. I can still hear
them taunting him. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids." ...How come
they just couldn't give him some cereal?!
- Carlton: (speaking into his tape recorder)
Carlton's log. Will has been reduced to a pathetic shell of his
- Will: Will's log. (pulls a tree branch off the
ground) is about to connect with Carlton's head!!
- Phil: Will! I thought you said you secured the
camping equipment onto the top of the car.
- Will: I did! Ohhhhhh shoot, this ain't the
- Trevor: How dare you. Do you have any idea who
- Jazz: A really bad cook?
- Trevor: I've never been so humiliated in all
my life. Blind people recognize me.
- Carlton: Then we'll freeze to death! I don't
wanna die! I wanna go to college and poke fun at all the kids on
financial aid! I wanna see Karate Kid 17!
(Snowing while lost in the woods without camping
- Uncle Phil: This is a good time for us to band
together to show what we're made of.
- Will: Does Bigfoot have to come down here with
a chainsaw before you realize we're in trouble!?
A Night at
Uncle Phil's election video
- Uncle Phil: Hi, I'm Philip Banks, and I'm
running for superior court ju-ju-judge, ju-ju-judge.
clip of Phil dancing from he and Vivian's New Year's Eve
- Uncle Phil: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
- Aunt Viv: That was our New Year's Eve
- Will: Oh, oh, Uncle Phil. Uh, you know. I just
made a couple of old home movies, you know, to show your human
side. It gets better, check it out.
- Uncle Phil: If you put me on the bench, I'll
take a real bite out of crime, bi-bi-bite, bi-bi-bite, bite.
clips of Phil eating Pizza air
- Uncle Phil: Vote for Philip Banks. Philip
Banks. Philip Banks. Philip Banks.
- Will: (screams very excitingly) Hoo
hoo hoo hoo hoo! Emmy! (as he gets up) Hey. So, what do
you think, Uncle Phil?
Uncle Phil throws Will out the kitchen door
- Will: Oooaahhh!
- Will: My next question is for Mr. Banks: Mr.
Banks, would you let your nephew come to The Oprah Winfrey
Show, or make him fly all the way to Chicago for nothin', sit
in the audience, and embarass him in front of his girl --
(looks at camera) Hi, LaTeesha. (looks at Philip
- (Philip glares at Will with a preturbed smile)
- Phil: My god is that Will?
- Vivian: [with obvious sarcasm] No,
Phil, it's Richard Nixon in a Will mask
- Carlton: No, Mom, I think that's really
- Audience Member: If you ask me your whole damn
family is crazy.
- Will: I'm not going blow up, if this was in
Philly it might have to be something, but we're on T.V., I'm just
- Audience Member: And if your mama sent you out
there to live with them, then she's crazy too.
- Will: Man nobody talks about my mama!
- Will: (to Hilary) For you, Self
magazine, Shape magazine, and Sassy magazine. (to Carlton)
And for you sir, Elf magazine, Ape magazine, and Sissy
- (Judge Robinson's Funeral)
- Man at Funeral: The jerk sentenced me to 6
months in jail for a crime I didn't commit. I'm just here to make
sure he DEAD!
- Philip: Thank you. Anyone else?
- Spanish Man: Yeah, he hired me to weed his
garden. When it came time for him to pay me, he called immigration,
- Philip: Gracias.
- Trevor: Philip, how do you feel after losing
to Judge Robinson?
- Philip: Well once when I was little, I zipped
my pants up too fast. Let's just say this brings back
A Funny Thing
Happened On the Way to the Forum
Will: HELP! HELP! DAMN Y'ALL I SAID HELP!
Will: I NEED A DOCTOR!
Doctor: I'm a doctor.
Will: Oh, thank you. Yeah, just go over that
car...WAIT, STOP DON'T (man gets hit by car) IS THERE A DOCTOR FOR
- Carlton: Why don't you act like an adult?
- Will: Why don't you look like one?
- Carlton: Boy, that Paula's really bad news.
First, she dumps me, now you know what she did?
- Ashley: Hmm, Will, do you know?
- Will: No. I don't know nothing. I'm just a
poor black man trying to make it in Bel-Air.
- Carlton: She gave me the flu.
- Will: Come on, look on the bright side,
Carlton. Most girls don't give you nothin'.
- Vivian: Hi, baby. How was school?
- Carlton: Mommy, I don't feel so good. I think
I got the flu.
- Vivian: Oh, that's too bad, baby. Get out of
- Will: You know, we're getting more and more
like the Jackson family every day.
(after Carlton rings up Vy to tell her about Will stealing Paula
- Will: You've gone over the line, Okay? You
don't never call a dude's mom?
- Carlton: So It's okay to steal a guy's
girlfriend, as long as you don't go tell his mommy about it
- 'Will:: No, No. This is serious, man. Even in Ancient
times; They would kill your cattle, they would burn your village,
but they wouldn't tell your mother, man!
- Carlton: *mocking Will* "But I did it to save
you from, uh, uh somethin' you don't know and soon as I figure it
out I'll let you know.
- 'Will:: That's it, We're gonna have to take this to
the street. Aunt Viv!
- Uncle Phil: Found it!
- Vivian: You found the sonogram?
- Uncle Phil: No, it's the little chocolate
bunny from Easter. I've been looking for it all week.
- Vivian: Philip, at least take off the
- Uncle Phil: Oh my God.
- Vivian: What is it, a boy or a girl?
- Uncle Phil: This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill
for $25,000. This baby's costing me a fortune.
- Will: Congratulations, you're having a
- (After Hillary correctly guesses a question on Geoffrey's
"Brain Storm" tape)
- Will: Hold up, Hold up, Time-out Time-out,
flag on the play, traveling, offsides, clipping. What up with this
- Carlton: Hillary how'd you know that?
- Hillary: Easy, Geoffrey's been watching that
Brain Storm tape all day.
- (After Will and Carlton trick Geoffrey into thinking he won the
- Geoffrey: Young Ashley how does a Mercedes
- Ashley: Vroom, vroom?
- Geoffrey: Very clever. I'll get you two.
- Hilary: Vroom, vroom, vroom!
- Geoffrey: Nice try!
- Uncle Phil: You did what?! Are you out of your
horny little adolescent minds?
- Carlton: I know I sure am.
(As the two fake sadness)
- Will: This is my little brother Carlton! He
knows we can't afford new clothes so he just doesn't grow!
- Carlton: (To Geoffrey) Daddy! I wanna
- Geoffrey: (To people in restaurant) These
aren't my children!
- Will: Is it our fault you never married Mom? I
know she embarrassed you! She only had one arm! And whenever you
two would go to concerts, she'd clap like this (slaps left hand on
:[The family comes home and Will is the first to discover
the living room is completely empty.]
- Will: Ahhhhhhhh!!! Ahh! Ahh!
- Ashely: What happend?
- Will: We was robbed!
[You can see everything is gone]
- Hilary: Oh my god! What did they take?
- Will: Tell me there's a Baseball in this
- Carlton: It's empty.
- Will: I guess you weren't listening!
- Uncle Phil: What baseball?
- Will: (in Hispanic accent) What baseball?
Well, baseball sport where man with stick hit ball and run. Sorta
like this. (he tries to escape the empty living room, but Uncle
Phil catches him by the shirt)
Uncle Phil: well im sorry to tell you guys this
but our gardner was an ex-con. Carlton: (carlton
shouts at Phillip) ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR DAMN MIND!! (phillip stares
at him anrgly) Carlton: ASHLEY!
- Will: Girl, you look so good, I wanna plant
you and grow a whole field of y'all.
(Will speaking to Ashley and Hilary in the kitchen)
- Will: You know, I used to think the only
reason to kill a man was self-defence...but I just spent 45 minutes
in the Volvo with another reason.
(Carlton then walks into the kitchen dressed and acting like a
- Hilary: What's wrong with him?
- Will: This idiot is taking a mime class.
(Carlton continues his mime act directly towards Will, pulling
on a rope)
- Will: Carlton, get...I swear to God, Carlton,
get away from me with this. Stop. Stop playing. Carlton, stop or
I'll hang you with that rope!
(Carlton mimes himself being hanged by a rope)
- Will: All right, that's it. That's it.
(Will throws Carlton, out the kitchen into the garden and locks
the kitchen door)
- Will: I was going to throw him out on the
freeway...but you know the old saying: A mime is a terrible thing
- Will: Carlton say something to the baby
- Carlton: Never let will borrow money...even if
he begs and he will
- Will: (talking into recorder} That's your
brother, Carlton. You'll recognize him. He'll be the one at eye
(Hilary and Carlton walk into the kitchen)
- Will: (talking into recorder) And here come
your two siblings, dopey and greedy.
(Will is getting sound bites from the family for tape
- Phillip: I'm eating.
- Will: (talking into recorder) You'll hear that
- Phillip: You're grounded.
- Will: (talking into recorder) Well that about
sums up Uncle Phil.
- Uncle Phil: Found it!
- Vivian: You found the sonogram?
- Uncle Phil: No, it's the little chocolate
bunny from Easter. I've been looking for it all week.
- Vivian: Philip, at least take off the
- Uncle Phil: Oh my God.
- Vivian: What is it, a boy or a girl?
- Uncle Phil: This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill
for $25,000. This baby's costing me a fortune.
- Will: Congratulations, you're having a
- Geoffrey: Gandalor, take me!!!!!
- Will: Mirror mirror on the wall, Jean Claude
Van Damn [Damme], I'm fine!
- Geoffrey: (after being told to go upstairs
and look for Carlton) "...Run, Geoffrey. ...Fetch, Geoffrey.
(turns to the family) Perhaps you'd like me to catch a
frisbee with my teeth?!"
(Tom Jones shows Carlton what life for his family would be like
- Carlton: What happened, and where's mom?
- Tom Jones: Well without you, your family was
defenseless against Will. They started to focus on happiness
instead of success. You mother ran away with the milk man, your
father quit his practice to paint, Ashley does nothing but dance
all day, and Hilary just does her hair. Well, maybe not everything
- Philip: My dining club is what made me what I
(Will opens his mouth and closes it)
- Will: Nah. Too easy.
- Carlton: Can't I get moved to another room? I
have a reputation to maintain, what about when I go into political
- Nurse: I'll tell you the same thing I told the
last guy who asked me that. Just tell them you didn't inhale.
- Will (wearing a tuxedo for the prom,
sleeping on the living room couch and talking in his sleep): I
just want to thank Bill and Hillary Clinton, for inviting me to the
- Carlton: Will, wake up.
- Will: Yo, man. Go away.
- Carlton: Will, this is the Senior prom. Also
known as "Guaranteed Action Night".
- Will: Rack 'em up!
- Will (to his prom date, while imitating a
police siren): Whooooooo, somebody call a cop 'cause it got to
be illegal to look that good.
- Will: I had basketball practice and school,
and this guy gave me these pills to help me stay awake, and then
Carlton...all I know is that somebody very close to me could be
dead right now, and it'd be all my fault.
- Carlton (Referring to his big zit on his
face): Look at my face.
- Will (Insulting Carlton): Man we're
- Carlton: I have a big zit.
- Uncle Phil: Carlton we're eating.
(Light is out in the elevator)
- Will: Uncle Phil is that you?
- Unidentified man: No........... But you have
really soft hands.
- Will: Mommy!!!!!
(A worker is repairing the elevator)
- Philip:(shouting up at the worker) How much
longer until someone gets us out of here? My wife is having a
- Worker: Is she in there with you?
- Philip: No.
- Worker: Good, because I'm going on a break.
(everyone starts shouting at him) Just kidding. A little elevator
humor there. I'l get you out of there as soon as I can.
- Janice: What happened to Hilary?
- Vy: (runs back to the doorway to fetch Hilary)
Hilary Violet Banks! GET YO' BUTT IN HERE!!
(she drags Hilary inside, and they walk up to the nurse, whose
hand has been severely injured by Vivian's big grip)
- Nurse: My hand!
- Carlton: I'm pretty sure Mom's been here.
- Hilary: I can't go to the hospital like this
there are doctors there.
- Vi: Hilary, are you that superficial?
- Hilary: Well I'm still young I can still get a
- Vi: Not without any teeth you won't!
(nobody's around to take Vivian to the hospital so Ashley grabs
- Vivian: Ashley you can't drive!
- Ashley: Oh grow up, I've been taking the car
since I was 12!
(A man is smoking in the elevator)
- Philip: Excuse me, sir. Would you mind putting
out that cigarette?
- Man: (Takes the cigarette out of his mouth)
Hey, It's a free country. (Continues smoking)
- Philip: That's right. It certainly is. But
it's against the law to smoke cigarettes in elevators.
(The man blows smoke into Philip's face. Philip takes the
cigarette out of his mouth, breaks it in half, and stomps on
- Will: That's right boy, there's a new Jack
city. (to Uncle Phil) You the man you the man. (Elevator breaks
down) You the Big Man who broke the elevator.
(Earlier, Philip destroyed a man's cigarette. Now, that man has
a cell phone and Philip and Will need to call Aunt Vivian)
- Will:(to Philip) Where I come from, when we
want something, we step up on it and take it. Observe. (cut to a
shot of him doing a little jig) Look, if you don't let me use your
phone, I'll start singing Paula Abdul's greatest hits.
- Man: You must want to use this phone really
bad. Well, not as bad as I wanted that cigarette.
- Will: Stop. Ghetto time!
(Philip grabs Will and pins him against the wall before he can
- Philip: (To Will) Will, calm down. Now I've
trained as a lawyer for many years. I was trained in the art of
negotiation. Okay? Observe. (Philip walks up to the man) Sir? (The
man turns around and Philip grabs the man by his jacket and lpulls
him close) Gimme that damn phone or I'm gonna rip your liver out
and eat it raw.
- Will: (To the man) That's right boy, and he
about due for a snack.
- Man:(handing his cell phone to Philip) Yes
- Ashley: Poor mom.
- Will: Poor mom? Poor me! I saw uncle Phil
naked! And he was running!
- Vivian: Philip!!!!
- Philip: Vivian!
- Vivian: Philllippp!
- Philip: Vivian!!
- Will: WILMA!
You Bet Your
Will: Come on, uncle Phil...Shamon!
Will: I'm starving. (dials number on car phone.
imitating Tony Montana) Ya dis is Tony Montana! I just see your
billboard on da highway. If you know what's good for you, you bring
me large pepperoni with anchovies on it!
Ain't No Business Like
- Will: Girl, you look so good I'd marry your
brother just to get in your family.
- (At a comedy club's showcase where Will's jokes bomb)
- Hilary: Will's really bombing up there. We
should do something.
- Carlton: Good idea. Boo, get off the stage, we
want our money back, go back where you came from.
The Way We
Degrees of Graduation
(Will is forced to sing with a bunch of little kids dressed as
- Mrs. Bassin (while playing musical Jeopardy!): The answer is a
- Will: Oh! What is, that thing that Michael Jackson had built
into his chin?
- Woman: That's my Jessie, the one with the
- Jazz: That's my Will, the one with the
- Uncle Phil: Since when do you take care of the
- Jazz: Babies? I'm supposed to take care of
Uncle Phil throws Jazz out the door
- Jazz: Ahhh!
There's a Will, There's a Way (1)
- Vivian: I love the way your beard feels.
- Philip: I'm suprised you remember.
- Vivian: It hasn't been that long since we made
love, has it?
- Geoffrey: Five months this Tuesday. (Vivian
and Philip stare at him and he shrugs) Thin walls.
- Ashley: Dad, all my friends are at the mall.
Do you know what would happen if they saw me with my father?
- Philip: What!? Would you be banned for life
from The Gap?
- Carlton: I'm not bringing her anywhere near
- Will: I'm your cousin.
- Carlton: The cousin that stole every woman I
- Will: Oh please. I stole one girl.
- Carlton: My point exactly!
- Carlton: Dad, I have to move out.
- Philip: No, you don't.
- Carlton: Yes, I do. Will said it's time for me
to leave the nest, become independent, and have sex with girls.
Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it!
- Will: Jazz, you stole this pillow!
- Jazz: It's a thought that counts.
Will throws Jazz and the baby pillow out the back
- Jazz: Ahhh!
There's a Will, There's a Way (2)
- Hilary: It'd a Bungee jump proposal
- Phil: Oh please, whatever happened to getting
down on one knee
- Hilary: Daddy thats for old fogees
- Phil: I got down on one knee
- Geoffery: Sustained!
- Trevor (on TV proposing to
Hilary): Hilary Banks!
- Hilary: Yes, Trevor?!
- Trevor: Will you marry me? (Trevor
slams to the ground)
- Will: I ain't no bungee expert or nothing, but
I don't think he's supposed to be slamming into the ground like
- Hilary: "Please Stand By?" Great, the
president's about to interrupt my marriage proposal.
- Uncle Phil: Let's just pray that Trevor's
- (returning from Trevor's funeral) It was a
- Will: Trevor didn't look so bad for a dude
that had a concrete facelift.
- Carlton: Fool, like that was his real
- Philip: Why don't I take you to the mall?
- Hillary: Go to the mall with my father?
- Philip: Sorry, I forgot.
- Philip: I guess you've got yourself a pool
- Carlton: How come he gets the pool house while
I'm upstairs with the weeping widow?!
- Will: Uncle Phil, keep this man off my
property or I'll shoot him.
- Carlton: Its my property! I inherit everything
when the big guy takes his bungee jump!
- Hilary: If I didn't ask for a fancy proposal,
Trevor would be in my arms instead of in my purse.[Pulls out an
urn from her purse][crying] I love you Trevor.
- Will: Uhhh... Hilary, Trevor wasn't
- Hilary: Ewww, then whose this?!
- Geoffrey: [Takes the urn] I'll see
him to the door.
- Will: I'm taking... [looks at his class
schedule] ...Western Pornography.
- Carlton: [looks at schedule] He's
taking Western Philosophy.
- Uncle Phil: Western Philosophy, I'm
- Carlton: He doesn't even know what western
- Will: I do too. It's where they ask you
questions like "Was Kool Moe Dee a real cowboy?" (singing) The Wild
Wild West. The Wild Wild West.
- Carlton: (singing) I used to live downtown, on
29... (stops singing)
- Uncle Phil: The man (his old college
professor) changed my life. And you know how he did? He challenged
- Will: To what, a pie eatin' contest?
- Will: (referring to his Western Philosophy
teacher) Hey Sting, kick some lyrics, man.
- Will: Sure thing, Skippy.
- Will: (referring to his Western Philosophy
teacher) Ay Skippy, the Garth Brooks concert must be over.
- Carlton: Carlton the peacock says "Don't be a
quitter. Pick up your litter."
- (Carlton is knocked down by a student)
- Carlton: Come on guys, help me up.
- Will: Yeah, we need clean-up in aisle five.
There's some bird droppings.
Father of the
([Will and Jackie are quarrelling; they start shouting the same
- Will & Jackie: You ain't ever gonna
I'm getting the last word! No you're not! Yes, I am! Damn!!
- Philip: Ya know, Will. If you had pulled a
stunt like this when you were in high school, there's no telling
what I would do. For starters, I would do this.
(Philip sits on top of Will's lap, causing him to scream in
agony as the show ends)
- Carlton: Big poopie.
- [Uncle Phil comes up to Carlton.]
- Uncle Phil: What did you say?
- Carlton: I say... Uh... Beg, puppy. To my
pretend dog Ernie. (doing the throwing the ball hand movement)
Fetch, Ernie. He's gone now.
It's Better to Have
Loved and Lost It...
- Jazz: My first time was with a girl from the
projects. Best 50 bucks I ever spent...
- Carlton: (singing Kenny Rogers' The
Gambler) You got to know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold
'em. Know when to walk away...
- Will: Don't know when to shut up.
(After Phillip leaves to stop the party)
- Geoffry: (mimes marionettes) DANCE PUPPETS!!!
DANSSSSSSSSSSE!!!! (starts laughing)
- Carlton: Steffi, go home. You're not age
appropriate for this party. (Carlton puts on duck floatie) I'm
- Will: I'm from West Philidelphia, born and
raised. On the playground is where I spend most of my days. I ain't
got no fancy court room talk, or a law degree from Princeton like
my worthy adversary Judge Phillip Banks. But what I do have, is the
truth! (slams palms on table in front of Phil)
- Phil: Oh shut up Will! Your Honor, this man is
making a mockery of the entire legal system!
- Will: And this man is making a mockery of an
finely-cut Italian suit!
- Will: O.K., Miss Banks. You were the former
tenant of the aforementioned poolhouse. Is that correct?
- Hilary: Yes.
- Will: O.K., could you please tell us of your
- Hilary: Am I under oath?
- Judge: Of course.
- Hilary: Well, Trevor would come over at about
3:00 in the morning and we would...
- Will, Uncle Phil and Carlton:
(Will gives Philip a handshake)
- Phil: I don't want your hand, I want my
- Will: Oh come on, Uncle Phil, haven't you
learned anything from all of this?
- Phil: Yeah, never rent from relatives.
the Single Guy
- Jazz: Hey dad. Now that I'm gonna be in the
family, maybe we can talk about my trust fund.
- Philip: What did you say?
- Hilary: Jazz and I are getting married.
- Philip: Over his dead body!!!
- Hilary: Doesn't anyone care about how I
- All of Hilary's family: NO!!!
- Scorpius: Oh no! I can feel the spirits gazing
- Will says to uncle Phil: Yeah, I think this
guy has been having too many spirits lately!
- (Uncle phil and Will Both laugh)
- Scorpius: Im losing it!!!!!! I'm losing
- Will: Ahhhhh, like you ever had it!!!!!
- Will: Why won't you see if you can find Marvin
Gaye, and find out what was really going on.
- Will: Carlton, there's no such thing as a...
Oh my God. Carlton, what is that horrible thing growing out your
- Carlton: (scared) Where?
- Will: Oh, nevermind. It's just your head.
- Scorpius: I am Scorpius the Magnificent! I see
all! I know all... who are you?
- Will: (after seeing Carlton with
rainbow-colored hair) Carlton, what the hell happened to your
- Carlton: Oh no, I'm not falling for that
- (Carlton walks over to the mirror and sees what Will
- Carlton: My hair. I look like a sno-cone. What
happened? (turns around) Oh, the hex!
- Philip: Don't be ridiculus, Carlton. That
stuff you put in your head is messing with your hair. Why didn't
you wash it out?
- Carlton: I did, last night.
- Carlton: I'm telling you, Dad, that hex is
gonna pick us off one by one and we'll all end up on Unsolved
- Will: (knocks on the door and it opens with no
one there) Oh, we definitely need one of them in the girl's locker
is Thicker than Mud
- Uncle Phil: Geoffrey, go fetch me my
- Geoffrey: You mean, your knife and fork?
- Will: Carlton, do you realize that they're
working you harder than everybody else?
- Carlton: Nonsense. We all had to repave the
- Will: Yeah, but the rest of us got to wear
- Carlton: Just because I listen to Barry Manilow, that
makes you better than me?
- Will: He meant Barry White y'all
- Will: And in the words of my illustrious
cousin, ima make like a tree and leave
- Carlton: I never say that... it's make like a banana
- Will: Ok I'll keep that mind (Will starts
Prince After Dark
Home is Where the Heart
- Uncle Phil: Come on people, I weigh the same I
weighed back in high school.
- Will: Yeah, if you add up all four years.
- Carlton: Look, I don't wanna see my father
with tubes up his nose, okay?!
- Will: Carlton, there's gonna come a time when
all he has is tubes up his nose.
- Carlton: Not my father!!
- Will: Everybody's father! Except mine, cause I
don't know where the hell he is!!!
- Carlton: You don't understand Will...
- Will: Yes I do... You selfish,
- Uncle Phil: I can't give up all my favorite
foods cold turkey. Oh my God... turkey. With pillowy mounds of
mashed potatoes. Butter drenched dressing. Tiny onions... swimming
in a sea of cream sauce....
- Carlton:Dad can outlive all of us.
- Will:Yeah, only if he eats us first.
Cousin -- Please
- Hilary: I can't stand the sight of his
- Will: You're making a mountain out of a mole,
- Uncle Phil: Geoffrey, fetch me my tools.
- Geoffrey: You mean your knife and fork?
- Will: If you walk out on Scott now this could
haunt you for the rest of your life.
- Hilary: What do you mean?
- Will: Well, you might never got out again.
You'll become one of them crazy old women who walk around all day
with a shower cap on, with an ol' raggedy halter top that says
"Jam!". Then you gon' start wearing rhinestone gauchos. Then, just
for no reason, you'll say "Dum dum diddy!". And you'll be eating
neckbone sandwiches all the time and screaming at your lil'
imaginary dog Brutus. And you know what the worst part is?
- Hillary: What?
- Will: The only man you'll get is some fool
named Grady. He'll be smelling like menthol all the time and
falling asleep in his soup.
'Twas the Night Before
(Philip and Geoffrey are hunting a crickett)
- Philip: Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when
he hunted Moby Dick.
- Geoffrey: Between the two of you sir, is the
cricket the whale?
- Ashley: Come on, Daddy, 10 years? The Menendez
boys will be out before I am.
- Philip: The Menendez boys were home by their
- Philip: Good night, Geoffrey.
- Geoffery: Good night, sir, ..idiot....
- Will: Seeing how this is your first real date,
I think there's a couple things you need to know. Listen, if you
gonna hold the popcorn, you hold it UP in plain sight. So when he
go reaching for the bucket, he don't miss, talkin' 'bout,
- Hillary: And stop at that gas station and make
sure that tank is full.
- Carlton: And if he tells you to pull his
finger, don't do it.
Ashley pulls Carlton's finger.
- Will: (covering his nose) Oh, man.....
- Carlton: Will, let me tell you a story about
The Grasshopper and the Ant.
- Will: Carlton, I really don't feel like
hearing about you and your little friends, okay?
- Carlton: Just listen. See, the grasshopper
goofed off while the ant worked hard storing food for the winter.
And when the winner came, the ant had food, but the grasshopper
starved to death. You know what the moral of the story is?
- Will: Yep, even if we were insects, I'd be
bigger than you.
- Carlton: Hey, you wanna hear a little
- Will: No, not really.
- Carlton: Here.... Little Timmy took a drink,
but he will drink no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4!
That's how I remembered the equation for sulfuric acid.
- Will: Look. I got one, I got one. Little
Carlton was a boy whose body was short and stumpy. He'd never shut
his mouth, so I kicked his little rumpy!
- Philip: I can't stand it. This chirping is
burning a hole STRAIGHT into my
- Geoffrey: There she blows, capitain! By the
table! By the table!
Philip runs over close to the windows and smashes pillows
thinking he killed the cricket because the chriping stopped. But,
while running, he ran over the cable that runs Carlton's laptop
(who is finishing his homework), causing it to shut off.
- Carlton: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
- Philip: I got him! I killed that little
The chriping resumes.
- Philip: Where'd you last put the
- Geoffrey: In your soup.
- Carlton: I thought you were in bed.
- Will: Yeah, you also thought Tupac Shakur was
a Jewish holiday.
- Ashley: Why are you guys still up? You're
making it really hard for me to sneak in.
- Will: Ashley, you know full well if you wanna
sneak past Uncle Phil, you don't go through the kitchen.
- Ashley: Will, this is all your fault!
- Will: What is that, like the theme of this
family? When in doubt, blame Will.
- Vivian: You can't stop little girls from
- Phil: I can, and I will!
Carlton is tapping his fingers on the table, Will stares at
- Carlton: Sorry, nervous habit.
Carlton opens a bag of chips and chews loudly, Will takes the
bag and hits Carlton on the head.
- Will: Sorry, nervous habit!
- Will: Ding dong, the cricket's dead, Ashley's
grounded, now you can all go to bed!
- Will: Ashley, listen to me. Guys are only
after two things,-
- Ashley: (interrupting) I thought they were
only after one thing?
- Will: Yeah, but they wanna do it more than
- Uncle Phil: You're grounded for 10 years.
- Ashley: Daddy?!
- Uncle Phil: Or whenever you move out the
house, whichever comes first.
- Ashley: But that's not fair.
- Uncle Phil: Tell it to the judge... Oh, That's
me. (passes a plant and the chirping stops) I KILLED THE
- Geoffrey: (sarcastic) Ah, what a horrible
Phil: I'LL GET THAT CRICKET IF IT'S THE LAST
THING I DO!!!!!
Geoffrey: (sarcastic) His head should make a
fine trophy, sir.
Phil:This will take care of that cricket.
Geffory:Sir,thats air freshener.
Phil:Well,its all we have.It might work.
Geffory: (sarcastic) Yes,perhaps the scent of
sea breeze will recall some painful memories for him and he'll
commit suicide. Carlton: So, how did the test go,
Will? Will: I got an 85. Carlton:
Will, how could you have possibly learned there is everything to
know about Chemistry?
Will: You know what they say, behind every successful man is a
woman; or if you want to switch positions thats okay with me
I Know Why the Caged Bird
- Will: He'll be there or my name isn't...
[Scene changes: Peacock Mascot Carlton is trapped in a room
in a birdcage]
- Carlton: WILLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You Hit Upon a Star
Stop Will! In the Name of
- Will: Some guy's going to try to be all over
you like cheese on a Big Mac.
- Ashley: Will! Maybe I like cheese!
- Will: How do you know you like something if
you've never had it? Please tell me you ain't had no cheese,
- Ashley: (loudly) No, but if I want to have
sex! [people stare at Ashley and Will] I do not need your
- Will: It-it's cheese, Ashley.
- Will: Oh don't give me that innocent boy look
routine! I invented that routine! And you just a bad little dog ooh
- Will: (scoffs) Does this look a place to have
fun? I don't think so, ain't nobody gonna have some fun around
here! Not you, not me, not her!
- Samantha: And definitely not me! Goodbye
- Will: Hey hey come back oooh what is her
Better Shop Around
Ball and Chain
M is for the Many Things
She Gave Me
- Will: Uncle Phil you cannot go to dinner with
- Phil: Why not?
- Will: Look Uncle Phil I was dropping Wendy off
at the hotel last night then Mrs. Robinson went to put on something
more comfortable and she asked me about the earthquake experiences.
Then she showed me pictures of her at Lake Tacancowa then she
wanted to get more comfortable then Taa Daah.
- Uncle Phil: Taa Dah
- Will: Taaa Dah
- Uncle Phil: Taaa Dah. OOOH! YOU SLEPT WITH
(Everyone turns around and looks shocked)
- Ashley (mocking Uncle Phil's voice): Ashley go
to your room.
- Carlton: Oh I love this.
- Ashley (mocking Uncle Phil's voice): And take
Carlton with you.
- Carlton: I'm not going anywhere.
- Uncle Phil: You heard what I said.
- Will: For mother's day I got my baby shoes
bronzed. (Show's his baby shoes are adult sized)
- Ashley: These are your baby shoes?
- Will: Well you know what they say about guys
with big feet?
- Ashley: No, what?
:(Uncle Phil glares at Will)
- Will: They be like damn you got some big
(Reffering to the mother's day gifts Ashley, Carlton and
Hilary asked him to buy) (To Uncle Phil)
- Geoffrey: I've got thier exact notes right
here: Some kind of perfume from Miss Hilary. A book, she'll like
that from Miss Ashley and "Here's $20 bucks and I expect change"
from Master Carlton.
- Jazz: Making a baby is truly a blessed
- Will: Don't you mean 'Having a baby'?
- Jazz: Trust me on this.
Papa's Got a Brand-New
- Phil: Carlton, am I a good father?
- Carlton: Yes, you're the best! Now can I have
early access to my trust fund?
- Phil: Not a chance
- Carlton: I HATE YOU!
- Phil: Oh yeah? Then, take a number!
- Will: Hilary, this is my father.
- Hilary: (Laughing) No, Will's father is a
deadbeat who left Will and his mom flat!
- Vivian: I wish you had told me Will . . . I
really wish you had told me.
- Will: I asked Geoffrey to tell you!
- Geoffrey: I thought it would be more fun to do
it this way . . . And I was right!
- Will: Carlton, you ever feel like you being
- Carlton: Of course. When you look this good,
you have to get used to it.
- Will: And when you sound this stupid, you've
got to get used to this! (Slaps Carlton)
- Will: That guy's been scoping me ever since he
came in here.
- Carlton: Turn yourself in, Will. It's the only
- Will: Yeah, you're right, C.
- (Will walks over to the man, then stops and turns back to
- Will: Wait a minute, I didn't do nothing!
- Phillip: If you'll excuse me, I think I'll
skip dinner. I don't have much of an appetite.
- Geoffrey: Should I call 911?
- Lou (Will's Dad): You know what I'm
- Phillip: Yeah, I know what you're saying.
- Vivian: Will is gonna be crushed.
- Lou: Yeah, uh... that's why I was thinking,
maybe you two should break the news to him?
- Phillip: Vivian, will you take Nicky upstairs,
- Vivian: You're not gonna hit him, are you?
'Cause I don't wanna miss that.
- Phillip: No. I'm not going to hit him.
- Vivian: Lou, if you walk out of Will's life
now... don't you ever come back.
- (She leaves)
- Phillip: Sit down.
- Lou: I ain't got time for no lecture.
- Phillip: I said sit down, Lou.
- (Lou sighs and does so)
- Phillip: Will was doing just fine til you
showed up. But now that you’re back, you have responsibilities to
- Lou: Look, we still gonna take the trip.
- Phillip: Oh bull, bull! Will is not a coat
that you hang in the closet, that you pick it up when you're ready
to wear it! His life goes on! He's not supposed to be here for you!
You're supposed to be here for him!
- Lou: YOU GET OFF MY BACK! YOU THINK I WANT
THIS? IT JUST HAPPENED! When Will was a baby, I was scared, I
- Phillip: CUT THE CRAP, ALL RIGHT? CUT IT!
'CAUSE I'VE BEEN THERE...! But I didn't run out on my family. I was
there every day for them, 'cause that's what a man does.
- Lou: Fine, Phillip. You win. You da man, you a
better a man than me. (pause) You happy? Now, you gonna
tell Will, or not?
- Phillip: I'm not gonna do your dirty work for
- Lou: Fine. I'll call him from the road.
- Phillip: Yeah, you do that!
- Lou: I'll do that!
- (Will enters with his luggage.)
- Will: Daddy-o! Wassup?
- Lou: Will...? I'm glad you're here. Umm...
some business came up that I gotta handle. So we gonna have to put,
uh... our trip on hold. You understand?
- Will: ...Yeah, yeah, that's cool.
- Lou: Just for a couple of weeks.
- Will: Mmm-hmm, I understand.
- Lou: Maybe a little longer.
- Will: Yeah, whatever, whatever...
- Lou: Look, I'll call you next week and we'll
iron out the details, okay?
- Will: Yeah, yeah...
- Wills Dad: It was great seeing you, son.
- Will: You too, Lou.
- Lou: Yeah, um...
- (Lou leaves)
- Phillip: I'm sorry, Will.
- Will: Pssh! You know what? This actually works
out better for me. The slimmies of summer come to class wearin'
next to nothing, yahh! Know what I'm sayin'?
- Phillip: Will, its all right to be angry-
- Will: Hey, why should I be mad? See what I'm
saying? At least he said goodbye this time. I just wish I hadn't
wasted my money buying him this stupid present.
- Phillip: I'm sorry. If there was something I
- Will: Hey, you know what, you ain't got to do
nothing, Incle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old,
you know? Ain't like I'm be sitting every night asking my mom,
"when's daddy coming home," you know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't
there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it,
didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle
- Phil: Yeah, you did.
- Will: Got to do my first date without him,
right? I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave, I learned
how to fight without him. I had fourteen great birthdays
without him, he never even sent me a damn card! (yells out the
door) TO HELL WITH HIM!
- Will: I didn't need him then, I won't need him
- Phillip: Will...
- Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'ma get
through college without him, I'ma get a great job without him, I'ma
marry me a beautiful honey and I'ma have me a whole bunch of kids.
I'ma be a better father than he ever was, and I sure as hell don't
need him for that, 'CAUSE THERE AIN'T A DAMN THING HE CAN EVER
TEACH ME ABOUT HOW TO LOVE MY KIDS!
- (long pause)
- Will (breaking down) How come he
don't want me, man?
- (Phillip hugs Will close, who starts to cry.)
For Sale by
- Uncle Phil: So I have an ugly side.
- Geoffrey: And you could write "Good Year" on
- Will: Hey Ashley, you didn't tell me that dude
blew in your ear.
- Uncle Phil: Me either.
- Ashley: Uh... I embelished.
- Man: What does this contract say?
- Will: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
- Man: Not Philadelphia.
- The man throws Will into the van
- Man: Yo homes, to Bel-Air.
- [Will is about to go fight a long time bully]
- Will: C'mon Carlton lets go!
- Carlton: I thought you said you wanted to do
Will: I do. If I win, I need a witness. If I lose, you're my
- When confronting his former bully, Omar...
- Will: Listen man, you've kicked me off this
court for the last time!
- Omar: I don't even remember kicking you off
the first time.
- Will: You really don't remember me?
- Omar: No.
- Will: Hey, can I borrow that ball? (he takes a
basketball from one of Omar's friends) Let me give you a little
hint. (he hits Omar in the head with the ball)
- Omar: Oh, I remember you now. But I'm not like
- Will: Really? You still look like that same
bald-headed punk to me.
- Omar: Oh yeah, I remember you. You're the
chicken sandwich guy.
- Will: I AM NOT A CHICKEN! My momma made me
move. My momma made me move. I'd never leave Philly. I love it
- Omar: So do I. That's why I started talking to
the kids so that they won't make the same mistakes I did.
- Will You sound like an after-school special.
But that's not gonna do anything about my rep. (he gets in a
fighting stance) Let's go right now, and I'm not taking "no" for an
- Omar: You have no choice.
- (He leaves. As he and his friends walk away, Will approaches
- Will: Oh yeah? You so stupid, you thought a
quarterback was a refund. And you're so ugly, that when you were
born, the doctor slapped both your parents. And your mom, oh my
goodness. She's like a doorknob, everybody's had a turn.
- (Omar and his friends turn around.)
- Will: I guess the mom's the red button.
- (Omar aproaches Will.)
- Will: Alright, let's go. Come on. (He tucks
his head with hands.)
- Omar: Look I know what you're trying to do,
but I'm not going to hit you.
- Will: (get up) Then I'll tell everyone you're
- Omar: Be my guest.
- Will: What about yout rep?
- Omar: You see those guys? (points at his
friends) That's my rep. Brother, you need to grow up.
- (Omar and his friends leave. Will leaves the court and walks
past a garbage can.)
- ???: Will!
- (Will jumps, then sees Carlton, hiding in the can.)
- Carlton: Let me know if you need me.
- Will: (on the phone) Hey, Uncle Phil.
- Uncle Phil: Hey Will, are you calling from the
- Will: Actually, I'm not on the plane.
- Uncle Phil: Oh, did you mis your flight?
- Will: Sort of.
- Uncle Phil: Then when are you coming
- Will: I'm not.
- (Following the conversation, the show's logo appears, reading
"The Fresh Prince of Philidelphia?")
What's Will Got to
Do With It? (1)
- Uncle Phil: I'm going to be watching you like
- Will: With you it would be more of an
- Ashley: Didn't you have someone you looked up
to when you where younger?
- Will: Yeah, Shaft.
- Ashley: And how did you react when you found
out Shaft wasn't real?
- Will: What are you talking about? He was based
off a real person.
- Ashley: No, he wasn't.
- Will: He was, too.
- Ashley: Will, Shaft's a fictional
- Will:[disappointed] But he went to
Africa and everything...
- Will: I mean Dougie loves everything.
People, am I the only one who sees a problem with this? (singing) I
love bugs and I love death. I love oozing flesh wounds!
- Will: Freeze, munchkins!
- Santa Claus: They're not munchkins, Will.
- Will: Elves, huh? And who are you, Keebler?
- Santa Claus: Be a good boy, and tell Carlton
to stop faxing me. I cannot get him into Princeton.
- Will: Yeah where is Carlton? He had better
have a good reason for standing Nicky up.
- Carlton: Will locked me in the closet!
- (Will sits at the kitchen table, Hilary enters the kitchen and
throws a newspaper on the table)
- Hilary: Look at this.
- Will (reading newspaper): "Powerful earthquake
rattles northern coast."
- Hilary: Oh, boo-hoo.
- (turns paper over and points to page): This.
- Will: "Television personality Leeza Gibbons
was shocked to learn that the woman attempting to vandalize her car
was none other than rival talk show host Hilary Banks."
- Hilary: (groans)
- Will: "Banks, seen here, wielding a
- Hilary: Wielding? I was not wielding, I was
- I rubbed that damn potato all over Leeza's car and it didn't
even make a scratch.
- At least they didn't catch me putting my keys in her exhaust
- Will: Hilary, you were suppo...
- Never mind.
- Hilary (aiming video camera at television to
record Leeza Gibbons' show): Geoffrey?! Geoffrey?!!
- Geoffrey: You answered, Miss Hilary?
- Hilary: I have been calling you for fifteen
minutes. Didn't you hear me?
- Geoffrey: Yes, but I so rarely have a woman
scream my name.
- I was rather enjoying it.
- Carlton (comes in the kitchen with his hands on the
top of his head): Did you just put super glue in my
- Will:: That's what you get for stealing my
- Carlton: I didn't have to steal her. She was
bored with you, so that she has to come with a real
- Will: So that I say is.. I'm not a real
- Carlton: You got that right. It's like this
"Hey, baby. (doing his pelvic thrust) bahk bahk stuff". It worked
in high school, but now, it's just embarrassing!
- Will: Take it easy there, stumpy.
- Carlton: And you know what? I'm also getting
tired of the short jokes. I'm average height.
- Will: For a woman!
- Carlton: I'm large enough for Valerie.
Prince: The Movie
- Will: Uncle Phil. Hey man, what are you doing
- Philip: I'll tell you what I'm doing here.
Years ago, I fell in love with and married a wonderful woman named
Vivian. Vivian had a sister named Vy. Vy gave birth to a child
named Will, whose sole purpose in life is to MAKE MINE A LIVING
HELL!!! Now you have done a lot to me these last four years, but
how you managed to have me ripped out of my wonderful life in
Bel-Air and relocated to this landfill BOGGLES MY MIND!!!
- Will: Look Jazz, I just don't feel comfortable
telling you anymore, man. Who knows, your life could be in
- Jazz: What life? I'm a married man.
- Mob Killer: If I were you, I'd run.
- Will: If you were me, you'd be good
- Carlton: You can't understand and respect
women because you're not in touch with your feminine side.
- Will: And you know what your problem is?
You're not in touch with anybody's feminine side.
- Will (to Ashley, who was about to tell
Will that she transferred out of Bel-Air Prep and into a public
school): Don't tell me, 'cause if I know I can't say that
I don't know when you get busted and Uncle Phil starts rounding up
the usual suspects. And I am the usual suspects.
- Miss Sharpe: Wait a minute.. That's a fake
- Will: No, it's not!
- Miss Sharpe [takes off the mustache off Will]:
Yes it is!
- Will: No, it's not!
- Miss Sharpe: Look, I don't know who you are,
but I'm calling your real parents right now.
- Ashley: Will...!
- Will: No, it's not!
- Geoffrey:Master William, You need to follow
the path of goodness, and let light of honesty be your north
- Will: What good advice Geoffrey. You're such a
- (Will hugs Geoffrey)
- (Will faces audience)
- Will: Cmon people, you're not going to listen
to Geoffrey when's the last time you saw him with a woman?
- (during a dance lesson)
- Lamont: All right, Philly-dilly.
- Now, lesson number two is: shake your groove thang.
- Geoffrey (referring to Philip's
butt): If that's a groove, the Grand Canyon's a ditch.
- Carlton: You played with a doll?
- Will: It's not a doll. It's an action
- (Will sees Carlton dancing.)
- Will: Carlton, what's wrong? Are you having a
- Carlton: I'm getting ready for Soul Train. I
believe there's dancing involved.
- Will: Two things. One: that's not dancing. And
two: I'd appreciate it if you stayed away from the show.
- Carlton: And why, pray tell, is that?
- Will: Again, two things. One: because you say
stuff like "pray tell". And two: you're gonna embarass me when I
become the new co-host.
- Will: You see, Soul Train's been looking for a
co-host for months, and so far no one's worked out.
- Carlton: And they're gonna give you the job
based on your love for Don Corneleus dolls?
- Will: [annoyed] It's not a doll, it's an
action figure. And you've got no business being on the Soul
Hyundai, let alone the Soul Train.
(After scuffle in Bowling alley)
- Lisa: Will, I've been meaning to tell you that
- Will: A what!? A Power Ranger!?
- Lisa: No, I've been studying self-defense. Did
I do something wrong?
- Will: Yes, you did. I was just about to
- Lisa: Baby, you were on the floor.
- Will: That's how I fight!
- Lisa: Let's just get back to the game.
- Will: Fine!
- (Will attempts to roll the ball, but it slips and hits another
man in the chest.)
- (Jazz pulls out a small thin book from his
- Jazz [to Will]: I give you...The Hoodlum
Pages. Okay, let's see here.
- (Jazz flips through the pages)
- Jazz: Counterfieters... Extortionists... Car
Salesmen... Ah, here. Guys who take dives...
- (Jazz hands Will the book and he scans the page.)
- Will: Wait, wait, wait so you're tellin' me
that this guy will let someone hit him ten times for $40?
- Jazz: Mention this ad and he'll throw in a
- Will: Oh okay, so this dude come down to the
Peacock, stir up a little fray, I take him down and Lisa and
everybody think I'm a hero. Aight, Thanks man. Hey, by the way,
where'd you get this?
- Jazz: ...I stole it.
- (At Maste Yoshi's dojo)
- Will: Yo, Mr. Yoshi!
- (Will goes over to Master Yoshi's "coffee table" and attempts
to break it with his hand, but fails.)
- Will: AHHHHHH AH!
- (He then stomps on it. It breaks, but he hurt his foot in the
- Will: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
- (He goes over to the wall, picks up a kendo stick, adn gets in
- Will: [initating a kung-fu movie] Chan, you
have offended my family. Now I must avenge my father's
- Master Yoshi: Having fun?
- (Will puts the stick down and turns around.)
- Will: Oh, sorry I...
- Master Yoshi: Don't worry. Everyone likes to
do that. (looks to the broken board) What the heck happened to my
- Will: I wanna be just like Steven Segal.
- Master Yoshi: Oh, you wanna be a bad
- Carlton: Step right up, step right up.
(talking through a traffic cone)
- Will: (taking the cone and talking through it)
Come see the amazing runt Dwarfski, The world's shortest
Up a Dirt Road
- Will: I call it, "Celebrity Houses, At
- News Publisher: Hmm, very interesting.
- Will:Cause see, here's Bob Walker drinkin some
coffee in the bathroom,
- News Publisher: Er....
- Will: And here's Gene Simmons frying his
underwear on a barbeque grill,
- News Publisher: Um, that's lovely.
- Will: And here's Jay Leno pouring some coffee
in the sewer.
- News Publisher: Oh my god!!!
- Lisa: Will?
- Will (wearing a fat suit): Well, it
ain't Fat Albert!
- Denise: I knew I could make you forget about
- Will: Hey, hey, hey. Ain't nobody making me
forget about my fiance.
- All right, I love... Lucy.
- That ain't it, is it?
- Denise: It's Lisa.
- Will: Ah, that's right. That's right.
- Philip (using Will in an exercise to teach him how
to handle things when he is with Lisa and he sees attractive
women): We're walking down Rodeo Drive. You be
- Will (badly imitating Vivian): Oh
jeez, Philip. You be pushing me all off the sidewalk.
- Philip: Oh, for God's sake, Will. Will you
please be my wife?
- (Geoffrey walks in and mishears thinking Philip is asking
Will's hand in marriage and in a panic, walks away)
Game, Next Season
- Hilary: What kind of idiot picks a password no
one can guess?
- Uncle Phil: What are you thinking about?
- Vivian: I'm just trying to recall what it felt
like to be 15.
- Uncle Phil: It was so long ago, how could you
- (Vivian scowls at Philip)
- I'm just so upset, I'm saying things I don't even mean.
- Ashley: You know something? This is all your
- Will: What is that, like the theme of this
family? "When in doubt, blame Will."
- Nicky: Why do you shave and Ashley
- Will: Well, you know, because guys grow beards
and some women don't.
- Will: (after being shot at the bank) Hey don't
be lookin' at me like that. Y'all know ain't no little bullet gonna
stop me. Although, I will be doing my banking by mail from now on.
Knowing my luck, I might run into a disgruntled postal worker.
- Philip: We can see Will, but we have to go
right home after that.
- Vivian: Why?
- Philip: Well, apparently we're driving the
nursing staff crazy.
(Hilary and a nurse walk into the room)
- Hilary: I don't understand. I'm just a
visitor. Why do I need medication? And what is Prozac
anyway? Do you think I need this? I feel fine.
- Lisa: Will you can be so stupid!
- Will: Well, stupid is as stupid does!
- Lisa: What does that have to do with
- Will: I don't know but the movie made a
- Jazz: Look, I'm the black dude on ER.
- Lisa: Jazz, that's not a toy.
- Jazz: It doesn't have to be a toy to be fun.
Watch this. Clear!
- (He shocks himself, and is sent rolling through the
- Lisa: Oh, Will you fell?!?!
- Will: Yeah.......In love with you baby, Lisa
will you marry me?
- Lisa: (to Phillip) Have you ever crushed any
(Geoffrey appears; by now he would say something snarky about
Phillip's weight, but Phil glares at him and he leaves)
- Vy: (about Will marrying Lisa) WHAT'S LOVE GOT
TO DO WITH IT???
- Geoffrey: (enters suddenly, skipping and
singing) Got to do with it/ Got to do with it!
- Dr. Whitehorn: Hello, George. Wheezie.
- George Jefferson: Hey, Whitey.
- Dr. Whitehorn: That's, uh -- That's Dr.
- George Jefferson: Yeah, yeah, Horny. Where do
you want me to sit?
- Wheezie Jefferson: Well?
- George Jefferson: Well, what?
- Wheezie: He said to name three things you like
- George: Fine. Your mother died. Your mother's
dead. Your mother ain't livin' no more.
- (Will laughs then fake coughs when he sees Lisa glaring at
The Wedding Show
As the Will
- Will: I'm Young, and I'm Restless. And I've
only got One Life to Live, so I've got to follow my Guiding Light
and search for tomorrow.
the Last Trance for Me
- Will: Uncle Phil, be honest. When Aunt Viv was
pregnant with Carlton, did she... (imitates someone drinking.)
- Will: Carlton, are you sure Aunt Viv didn't...
(imitates someone drinking.)
- Great Mentos: May I have a volunteer.
- Carlton: Oh, pick me, oh Great Mentos, pick
- Will: Oh, shoot me, oh Great Mentos, shoot
- (Uncle Phil barks)
- Will: (to Vivian) Hey, hey, hey. Look, I'll
walk him but somebody else gonna have to pooper-scoop.
To Thine Own Self Be
Blue... and Gold
- Denise:(walks into kitchen) Surprise!
- Will:(sees her and screams )AAAAHHHH!!!
(lisa stares at him)
- Will: I feel good!
- Will: Alright, I'll do you- IT! I'll do it...
I mean, I'll give you a ride- OOH!!
- Will: (to Denise) We ain't gonna let you walk
no 11 miles. Where's Nicky's skateboard?
- Will: (to Carlton) There's a beautiful woman
talking to me, but I don't expect you to understand that!
- Will: Yo, Carlton, people are complaining
there ain't no bacon on the BLT's.
- Carlton: Who said the "B" had to stand for
"bacon"? Read the damn sign!
- Will: Bread, lettuce and tomato!?
Love in an
- Stripper: I thought you said you were
- Geoffrey: No I said I was will-ing.
For Whom the Wedding Bells
Down the House
- Geoffrey: Of all the rooms to burn in your
uncle's house...The kitchen. Are you mad boy?
:[Uncle Phil hugs Will. Three Days Later he has him in a
headlock in the exact same place]
- Will: Uncle Phil, are you gonna let me go
- Uncle Phil: (happily) No Will.
- Will: That's cool.
- Philip: I am going to get to the bottom of
this mishap once and for all!
- (Uncle Phil Starts stomping on the floor)
- (Will runs downstairs panic-struck)
- Will: EARTHQUAKE!!!!!!
Get a Job
Sings the Blues
- Carlton: (talking on the phone) What do you
mean I didn't get the job? ...Budget problems? But I was
- Carlton: (on the phone) I can't be a Big
Brother? They didn't like me. Well, you tell those little brats I
don't like them either!
Script Formerly Known As
[Philip walks in and mumbles]
- Will: Would you like to buy a vowel?
- Philip: This trial is gonna be the death of
me. We lost another juror today.
- Will: Did you look under your robe?
(Will is teaching Nicky basketball tricks)
- Will: Back in Phili, I was known as Will
- Nicky: Why?
(Will bounces the ball, and it makes Uncle Phil drop an
- Will: Because I'm about to jet!
(Will runs away)
- Will: Tell me this, Doogie.
- Carlton: Um.
- Will: How is it possible that we are
- Carlton: I can't pull a vowel to save my
Not With My Cousin You
- Carlton: Well I tried to walk away but the
craps table kept calling: "Carlton, Carlton." And the blackjack
table said you can do it! And the slot machines just say: "Hey you
tall handsome guy come shake my hand!" These are ALL MY NEW
FRIENDS! My God they're pumping a lot of oxygen in this room!
- Carlton: I had my knife. I went into the wild.
But how's a little brave supposed to survive with all these bells
and whistles? Well the madness is over. I'm Carlton again/
- Will: Carlton, look. A quarter.
- Carlton: WHERE!? (he crawls on the floor,
looking for the quarter)
- Will: You're pathetic!
- Carlton: You're right, Will. I've hit rock
bottom. How come you can see the quarter and I can't?
- Will: Because there ain't no quarter. (he
slaps Carlton in the head)
- (At the roulette table)
- Carlton: Come on, eight. Eight. I need an
- Will: Carlton, what the hell are you
- Carlton: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm
- Will: You can't bet all your money on one
- Dealer: And the winner is... eight.
- Will: Yes, I love you man!
- Will So how much are we up?
- Carlton: We're not up. We're down.
- Will: Wht do you mean "we"?
- Carlton: Well, after I maxed out my credit
- Will: Carlton, you maxed out your credit
- Carlton: Well, yeah. I couldn't get full value
for the airline tickets.
- Will: You hocked our airline tickets?
- Carlton: Yeah, I had to get some from your
cards. Word to the wise, Will, never leave your PIN number in your
- Will You stole my wallet? How much do we
- Carlton: Whatever's on the table.
- Will: Wait a minute...
- (He reaches over to the table, but the dealer slaps his
- Dealer And the winner is... eight...
- Will: YES!
- Dealer: ...teen.
- Will: NO! Wait, that says eighteen. We got
eight. We should get something.
- (The dealer shakes his head.)
There's the Rub (1)
- Vy (referring to her and Helen): Geoffrey,
what do you think? Who's more desirable?
- Geoffrey: It's a tie, you both lose.
There's the Rub (2)
- Hilary: I exploit people everyday, but it's
Thanksgiving so I'm taking a day off.
- [Will is boxing a girl named Helena]
- Helena:Cmon hit me!
[Will refuses to hit her]
- Helena:Your mama!
- Will: Mama said knock you out!
- [The Next Day, Will returns and fights her back and it
- Will: How do you like me now?!
- Helena: That was...impressive. Take me!
- Will: Um..You a little freaky-deeky ain't
- Helena: Now!
- Will: Well, you ain't gotta tell me
- [He carries her off]
Carlton: "I got a nice base." Trainer: "says here your a walking
tub of crisco." Carlton: "Yeah but it's spread over a nice
(Carlton enters the living room with a beat up Safety Guy)
- Carlton: Hey guys. Look what I found.
- Ashley: Hey, it's the dummy.
- Will: Yeah, and he found Safety Guy.
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
- Vivian: That man is on thin ice!
- Geoffrey: I'll alert the fish.
- [Using hand-puppets, Will and Carlton create an apologetic
show for Ashley]
- Will (dog): One, two, three! Hey, Ashley!
[beatbox] Will and Carlton are sorry! [beatbox]
Hey, kitty-cat! Hey, kitty-cat! Hey, kitty-cat! Help-help me
- [Carlton (cat) appears]
- Will (dog): [beatbox]
- Carlton (cat): We care about you very
- Will (dog): Ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, ple, ple,
please forgive us! [beatbox]
- Ashley: Thanks to you, now I'm gonna be
working at Dippity Doo Dog until I'm dippity dead!
- [Ashley storms off]
- Carlton (cat): I think it worked. I think
she's feeling much better.
- Will: I think you've been smokin' a little bit
too much of that catnip.
- Carlton (cat): Hey! You take that back!
- Will: Carlton. It's over.
- Carlton (cat): It's not over! (Talking to
himself) What does he mean it's over?! It can't be over!
- Carlton: Will, I'm a little uncomfortable with
- Will: Oh don't worry, Carlton, we're all
uncomfortable with your nudity.
Breaking Up Is Hard to Do
- Philip: If i leave, I'm not coming back
- Vivian: Good.
- Philip: B-because once I leave out that door,
I'm gone.......I'm moving closer to the door Vivian. This is your
last chance....I mean it!
- Helen: Oh for christ sake, leave already!
The Butler's Son Did
- Geoffrey's Son Fredrick: Do you have any Tom
- Carlton: DO I?
- Will: What, one day you were sipping some tea
and crumpets and thought "Hey! I should fly half way around the
world to steal from the father I never knew!"
- Uncle Phil: Having a pet is a big
responsibility. You have to feed him, clean up after him...
- Geoffrey: Just don't expect a thank you.
- Nicky: Daddy, did you sit on Harry.
- Uncle Phil: Yes Nicky.
- Nicky: That's ok, death is a natural part of
life... But what a way to go.
Whoops, There It Is
- Karyn Parson: Will, no, stop it! Go bother
- Tatyana Ali: No don't bother Tah!
Stank Hole in the One
- Philip: You can play with Carltons clubs.
- Will: What? You want me to play on my
- Carlton: Sounds like you guys won!
- Philip: Hell no! He's an even worse golfer
- Carlton: (to Hilary) William Shatner is gonna
be on your show?! (to Will) And you knew? You lived in the same
pool house with me, knowing how much this would mean to me, and you
didn't tell me? I don't even know who you are.
- Will: Hey G, wassup man? Hey look, um,
(referrng to himself) I got this friend right, you know he kinda
got a little problem. He got these 3 cousins, and they all moving
on with new and exciting lives and everything.
- Geoffrey: Is your friend pensive?
- Will: My friend doesn't know what pensive
- Hilary: Oh Geoffrey, Im gonna miss you. Oh, we
have to have a special going away dinner for you, what do you wanna
- Philip: So Will, did you find a new
- Will: Uhh, well, Uncle Phil...
- Carlton: Yeah, it's a great place.
- Vivian: How does it look?
- Carlton: Well, it's got ceiling-to-floor
doors, and wall-to-wall floors.
- Will: Carlton's just playin', y'all. There's
something I have to...
- Philip: So, when do we get to see it?
- Will: You can't.
- Philip: Why not?
- Carlton: Because it's tinted. You can't see
inside of it.
- Will: Carlton, it's okay, man, I can do this.
You can't see my apartment, because I don't have one.
- Carlton: It's a condo.
- Will: Okay. That's all right, Carlton.
- Will: Wherever and whenever... I got your
- Carlton: Wherever, whenever I've got your
back,... W. That just doesn't sound right comin' from me, does
- Will: It sounds great, man.
- Vivian: Nicky, did you remember to go to the
- Nicky: Of course.
- Hilary: Carlton, did you remember to go to the
- Carlton: Of course. I'll be right back.
(final scene of the series; Will shuts the lights
- Carlton: (in the bathroom) HEY! Who
turned out the lights?! (runs downstairs with his pants
down) Where is everybody?!
- (he pulls his pants back up and heads out the door in a
- Will: I'm definitely gonna miss you, C.
- (he slowly walks away and camera zooms out and gets a
ceiling view of the living room)
- Vivian: I'm sure the Mayor's mother meant it
as a compliment.
- Philip: Oh, really. So I should be honored
that she thinks I look like a black Alfred Hitchcock.
- Will (imitating Alfred Hitchcock, puffing
his cheeks out like Hitchcock): Good evening.
- Will: Girl, if God created anything more
beautiful than you, I hope he kept it for himself.
- Will: Ain't no thang but a chicken wing.
- Uncle Phil: As my father used to say, it's
better to give than to receive.
- Will: Your pop had a bit of a drinking
problem, didn't he?
- Vivian: Geoffrey, from an objective point of
view. Who is having this baby, him [Philip] or me?
- Geoffrey: It's rather hard to tell just by
- Carlton: If it looks like a duck, sounds like
a duck, and smells like a duck, what is it?
- Will: Your prom date?
- Carlton: I told you, she had a cold.
- Uncle Phil: I don't want any buts.
- Geoffrey: Well, you're certainly losing that