The L Word: Wikis


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The L Word
The L Word logo.jpg
Format Drama
Created by Ilene Chaiken
Michele Abbot
Kathy Greenberg
Starring Jennifer Beals
Erin Daniels
Leisha Hailey
Laurel Holloman
Mia Kirshner
Eric Lively
Eric Mabius
Marlee Matlin
Katherine Moennig
Rose Rollins
Daniela Sea
Rachel Shelley
Sarah Shahi
and Pam Grier
Country of origin Canada
United States
No. of seasons 6
No. of episodes 70 (List of episodes)
Running time 50 minutes
Original channel Showtime
Original run January 18, 2004 (2004-01-18) – March 8, 2009 (2009-03-08)
Related shows Lip Service
External links
Official website

The L Word is an American and Canadian co-production television drama series originally shown on Showtime portraying the lives of a group of lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their friends, family and lovers in the trendy Los Angeles-area city of West Hollywood, California. The show ran from 2004 to 2009.


Main crew

The show was created by executive producer Ilene Chaiken (Barb Wire, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air).[1] Other executive producers include Steve Golin (Being John Malkovich, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and Larry Kennar (Barbershop). Besides Chaiken, writers of the show have included Guinevere Turner (Go Fish, American Psycho) and Rose Troche (Go Fish, Six Feet Under).


The pilot episode premiered on January 18, 2004. The original five year run ended with the series finale's airing on March 8, 2009. Outside the United States, the series is distributed by MGM Worldwide Television. The L Word was filmed in Vancouver, British Columbia, at Coast Mountain Films Studios, which was formerly known as Dufferin Gate Studios Vancouver. The studio was once owned by Dufferin Gate Productions, the sister company to Temple Street Productions, the Canadian producer of the U.S. version of Queer as Folk.


The main characters throughout the series, and the seasons in which they appeared and left:

Actor Role Seasons
BeaJennifer Beals Bette Porter 1–6
HolLaurel Holloman Tina Kennard 1–6
HaiLeisha Hailey Alice Pieszecki 1–6
KirMia Kirshner Jenny Schecter 1–6
MoeKatherine Moennig Shane McCutcheon 1–6
GriPam Grier Kate "Kit" Porter 1–6
DanErin Daniels Dana Fairbanks 1–3 (4)
SheRachel Shelley Helena Peabody 2–6
GavJanina Gavankar Eva "Papi" Torres 4 (5) (6)
LivEric Lively Mark Wayland 2
LomKarina Lombard Marina Ferrer 1 (4) (6)
MabEric Mabius Tim Haspel 1 (2) (3) (6)
MatMarlee Matlin Jodi Lerner 4–6
RobDallas Roberts Angus Partridge 3–4 (6)
RolRose Rollins Tasha Williams 4–6
SeaDaniela Sea Moira/Max Sweeney 3–6
ShaSarah Shahi Carmen de la Pica Morales 2–3 (6)
SheCybill Shepherd Phyllis Kroll 4–6


The original code-name for the project was Earthlings, a rarely used slang term for lesbians.[2]

Contemporary use of the phrase "the L word" as an alias for lesbian dates to at least the 1981 play My Blue Heaven by Jane Chambers, in which a character stammers out: "You're really ...? The L-word? Lord God, I never met one before."[3]

Historical use of "the L word" as code language can also be found in the sentence of a letter written by Daphne du Maurier to Ellen Doubleday: "By God and by Christ, if anyone should call that love by that unattractive word that begins with 'L', I'd tear their guts out." (Du Maurier, author of Rebecca and other works, was deeply conflicted about her attraction to and unrequited passion for Doubleday, as she would later be about her affair with Gertrude Lawrence.) [4]

Season synopsis

Season 1

Season 1 premiered in the United States on January 18, 2004, on Showtime and featured 13 episodes presenting several entwined storylines. Set in West Hollywood, the series first introduces Bette Porter and Tina Kennard, a couple with a seven-year relationship who want to have a child. Tina eventually becomes pregnant through artificial insemination but has a miscarriage during episode 1.09: Luck, next time. Later in the series, Bette develops an affair with Candace Jewell, which Tina learns of during the season finale.[5]

The pilot introduced a coming out/love triangle storyline involving Tina and Bette’s neighbor, Tim Haspel, his new-in-town girlfriend, Jenny Schecter, and Marina Ferrer. Marina is part of Tina and Bette’s circle of friends, and owns the neighborhood café, The Planet, which serves as the group's hang-out and focal point for the show. The season also introduces Shane McCutcheon, an androgynous, highly-sexual hairstylist and serial heart-breaker; Alice Pieszecki, a girly, bisexual journalist looking for love in any way she can, and Dana Fairbanks, a professional tennis player who is still in the closet and torn between pursuing her career and finding love. In the first season, Dana falls for a sous chef named Lara Perkins whose sexuality is questioned by the group until Lara has an unexpected meeting with Dana in the locker room.

Season 2

Season 2 began airing on Showtime on February 20, 2005 and featured thirteen episodes. It starts by unveiling to the viewers a secret Tina is keeping from everyone: she successfully became impregnated after a second insemination. Tina begins seeing Helena, while Bette’s life is portrayed as a wreck, with alcohol abuse, problems with her job, the death of her father in episode 2.12:L'Chaim, and being fired during the season finale. Tina and Bette reconcile during the final episode. The character of Marina was written out of the show, and the Planet was bought by Kit Porter.[6]

Introduced in the second season are Carmen de la Pica Morales, a confident DJ who becomes part of a love triangle with Shane and Jenny; Helena Peabody, the daughter of a wealthy supporter of the arts who later becomes Tina's love interest; and Mark Wayland, a documentary filmmaker who moves in with Shane and Jenny. Mark makes them part of his latest documentary by setting up hidden cameras in the house to videotape them. During episode 2.09: Late, Later, Latent, Jenny discovers Mark’s tapes and also discovers the truth about Carmen’s true love.

Season 2 introduces a developing affair between Alice and Dana, which becomes public in episode 2.07: Luminous. It also presents insights into Jenny’s past as an abused child in episode 2.11: Loud and Proud, and reveals episodes of self-mutilation that reach their climax in the season finale.

Season 3

Season 3 first aired on January 8, 2006, with 12 episodes. It begins six months after the birth of Tina and Bette's daughter, Angelica. New characters in this season include Moira Sweeney (a working class butch portrayed by Daniela Sea who is Jenny’s girlfriend for most of the season) and Angus Partridge (portrayed by Dallas Roberts), Angelica’s male nanny who later becomes Kit's lover.[7] Sweeney starts the process of transitioning from female to male, switching his name to Max. Erin Daniels' character Dana Fairbanks starts in a multi-episode storyline dealing with a breast cancer battle and culminating with her death.[8]

Notable of this season is that each episode begins with a short pre-credits vignette of two individuals meeting romantically or sexually. As the season progresses, lines from Alice's chart (see below) connect one member of each vignette with a new individual in the next.

Helena's character storyline was switched from being Bette's rival into a new member of the circle of friends. Her story arc for the season involves the acquisition of a movie studio[9] in which Tina later works,[10] and which further derives a sexual harrassment lawsuit[11] that triggers her mother to cut her off financially in the season finale. Sarah Shahi's character, Carmen, ends her appearance in the show in the finale.

Season 4

Showtime announced renewal of the series, in a February 2, 2006, press release:[12]

On the heels of a year highlighted by industry recognition and critical acclaim for its award-winning original programming including Weeds, Huff and Sleeper Cell, Showtime has ordered a fourth season of its hit drama series The L Word.

The season premiere of the fourth season, Legend in the Making, first aired on January 7, 2007.[13] The filming of the season's twelve episodes began in Vancouver, on May 29, 2006.[13]

New cast members for the show's fourth season included Academy-Award winner Marlee Matlin,[14] three time Golden Globe winner Cybill Shepherd,[15] Kristanna Loken,[16] Rose Rollins and Janina Gavankar.[15] Karina Lombard reprised her role as Marina Ferrer for two episodes.[17] Film and television star Annabella Sciorra guest-starred in several episodes as lesbian film director Kate Arden, chosen to direct the film version of Jenny's story Lez Girls.

Season 5

Showtime picked up a fifth season of The L Word for 12 episodes, touting the show as "a signature franchise among our viewers". Production began in Vancouver the summer of 2007 and ended in Los Angeles early November 2007. The fifth season premiered on January 6, 2008, with episode LGB Tease.[18]

Eva "Papi" Torres (Janina Gavankar), and Dallas Roberts' male token character Angus Patridge were both written out. Clementine Ford, reprised her role as Phyllis Kroll's daughter and began a relationship with Shane McCutcheon.[19] Malaya Rivera Drew and Kate French were cast as guest characters for this season.[20] Malaya played Adele, a young fan of Jenny's work who gets hired as her personal assistant. Kate played Niki Stevens, an ambitious young actress who lands the lead role of Jenny's character, Jesse, in the movie production 'Lez Girls'. Elizabeth Keener joined the show as entrepreneur Dawn Denbo, who started a rival lesbian bar with her lover Cindi.

Season 6

Showtime confirmed a sixth and final season for The L Word. Unlike the show's previous seasons, it only lasted 8 episodes to conclude the show with 70 episodes in total. Studio executives commented on the longevity of the show, with the Showtime president of entertainment Robert Greenblatt saying that The L Word has "surpassed its niche as a gay show". The sixth season premiered on January 18, 2009 and ended its original run on March 8 of the same year.[21] Producers and writers of The L Word took viewers' opinions regarding the final season’s episodes. The main story of the season is related to the death of Jennifer Schecter and the rest of the season is a flashback from that point.

Before airing the show, Creator Ilene Chaiken denied reports of socialite Paris Hilton guest starring on an interview on[22] Ilene Chaiken said in an interview with the New York Post Magazine that she had offered DJ Samantha Ronson a guest spot in Season 6 but Ronson declined as she was busy.[23] In July 2008, it was confirmed that Elizabeth Berkley would star as Kelly Wentworth (née Freemont) in a multi-episode arc of the final season.[24] Mei Melançon also made guest appearances for the last season as Jamie Chen, a counselor from the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Youth Center who befriends Alice and Tasha and becomes their third-wheel crush.

Interrogation tapes

Shortly after airing the final episode, Showtime began releasing short videos in which characters reveal secrets that weren't revealed during the course of the show. Each video showed the interrogation of one character with a new video being released each Monday after the final episode via the Showtime website.[25] All episodes feature Lucy Lawless as Sgt. Marybeth Duffy and Sean Tyson as Det. Sean Holden who are investigating the death of Jenny Schecter.

Following the seven interrogation tapes, the same URL offered an interview with series creator Ilene Chaiken in two weekly installments. Chaiken discussed several aspects of the show's history and plotlines, but would only consent to reiterating that Alice went to jail for Jenny's murder while not necessarily being guilty of the crime.

Unaired spin-off series and film proposals

Series creator Ilene Chaiken wrote and produced a 20-minute presentation for a possible spin-off centering around women's prison in which Leisha Hailey's character Alice Pieszecki is detained. The Farm started shooting in December 2008, while the sixth and final season of The L Word premiered in January 2009. Famke Janssen, Melissa Leo and Laurie Metcalf were part of the cast.

Showtime's CEO Matthew Blank announced plans for the new show at the Television Critics Association press tour in July 2008.[26 ] It was announced in April that Showtime declined to pick up The Farm as a series, which may leave the open-ended element of the series finale as permanently unresolved. [27]

Chaiken has expressed interest in producing a film based on the series in an interview aired through The L Word's website, although according to her declarations, it probably would not emphasize any of the unresolved plot lines of the show and would simply continue the story of the characters' friendships. No official proposals or green-lighting related to an L Word film have been publicized.


As of March 2008, The L Word has released five compilation CDs with the show's soundtrack. The music composer of the show is EZgirl. The music supervisor is Natasha Duprey.

All three of Leisha Hailey's bands have been referenced in the series. A song by The Murmurs, Hailey's first band, was used in a first season episode and included on that season's soundtrack. During the second season, the character Shane is sometimes seen wearing a t-shirt for Gush, Hailey's second band. Songs of Hailey's most recent band, Uh Huh Her, were featured during the show's fifth and sixth seasons; the character Tasha Williams is seen wearing an Uh Huh Her t-shirt during the sixth season.

The Chart

A small portion of The Chart, covering some of the relationships established along the series through Season 6. Pink represents main female characters, blue represents main male characters, purple and green minor characters featured in the series (female and male respectively), and grey signifies characters that are only alluded to.

"The Chart" is a graph of the affairs that occur among Alice's friends and acquaintances; it is an undirected labeled graph in which nodes are labeled with people's names and the lines represent affairs or hookups. Originally, The L Word was to be based around a lesbian Kit Porter, and "The Chart" was tattooed on her back.[2] When Kit Porter was changed into a straight character, The Chart was given to Alice instead.

The Chart is a recurrent element in the show's storylines, especially those related to its creator within the series.[28] During Season 3, it also serves as a marginal storyline that advances through each episode and concludes in the season finale.

The Concept of the Chart was further exploited in Season Four. Within the series, the Chart evolves into a social network hosting profiles and provides the introduction for the character of Papi in Episode 4.01:Legend in the Making. At the same time, a real-world parallel project was launched.[29] The website, which allowed registered members to create their own profiles and also hosted several blogs on the show, was fully operational until the launch of the Sixth Season, after which Ilene Chaiken announced through an online statement that had merged with Showtime's website.[30]


The show's first season was "broadcast to critical acclaim and instant popularity"; as an article from The New York Times pointed out:[31]

Before "The L Word," lesbian characters barely existed in television. Interested viewers had to search and second-guess, playing parlor games to suss out a character's sexuality. Cagney and Lacey? Jo on "Facts of Life"? Xena? Showtime's decision in January 2004 to air The L Word, which follows the lives of a group of fashionable Los Angeles lesbians, was akin to ending a drought with a monsoon. Women who had rarely seen themselves on the small screen were suddenly able to watch lesbian characters not only living complex, exciting lives, but also making love in restaurant bathrooms and in swimming pools. There was no tentative audience courtship. Instead there was sex, raw and unbridled in that my-goodness way that only cable allows.

But co-creator and executive producer Ilene Chaiken had some issues with the reaction:[31]

I do want to move people on some deep level. But I won't take on the mantle of social responsibility. That's not compatible with entertainment. I rail against the idea that pop television is a political medium. I am political in my life. But I am making serialized melodrama. I'm not a cultural missionary.

While the show is seen as fulfilling lesbians' "obvious and modest representational need"[32] or even the "ferocious desire not only to be seen in some literal sense... but to be seen with all the blood and angst and magic that you possess",[33] the show has been criticized for various scenes which serve to "reify heteronormativity".[34] The show has also been praised for its nuanced consideration (in the first season) of how and in what ways lesbians should stand up to the religious right, with the "Provocations" art show storyline being "a fictionalized version of what happened when Cincinnati's Contemporary Art Center booked a controversial exhibition of Mapplethorpe photographs in 1990".[35]

Some critics find The L Word to be "a better written series than Queer as Folk and seems less exploitative", with relationships being more important than sex.[36] Some reviewers (and fans) are put off by the theme song (introduced in the second season) and the "graceless, clunky dialogue".[37]

Several shows have referenced the The L Word, including South of Nowhere's first season episode "Girls Guide to Dating"; According to Jim; the medical drama House; the first season finale of Weeds, Jon Stewart's The Daily Show (July 24, 2006); Chapelle's Show: The "Lost Episodes"; The Sopranos episode Live Free or Die; the US version of The Office; Gilmore Girls fourth season episode Scene in a Mall; G4's Attack of the Show skit Lesbionic Women; The Big Gay Sketch Show; The Simpsons episode You Kent Always Say What You Want; and Family Guy episode Brian Sings and Swings. Also, movies such as Puccini for Beginners and I Can't Think Straight have made mention of The L Word as to reference lesbians.

By the time the sixth and final season began, The New York Times was calling the show a "Sapphic Playboy fantasia" that has "shown little interest in variegating portrayals of gay experience. Instead it has seemed to work almost single-mindedly to counter the notion of lesbian bed death" and repeatedly remind the viewer of the "limits and tortures of monogamy" while "never align[ing] itself with the traditionalist ambitions [for same-sex marriage] of a large faction of the gay rights movement".[38]


In 2005, Laurel Holloman won a Satellite Award for Best Actress – Television Series Drama for her portrayal of Tina Kennard; the International Press Academy also nominated the show for a Satellite Award for Best Television Series – Drama. In the second season, Ossie Davis won a posthumous Emmy Award nomination for Outstanding Guest Actor in a drama series in recognition of his portrayal of the father of Bette and Kit Porter. The show received multiple nominations for GLAAD Media Awards and both Pam Grier and Jennifer Beals were repeatedly nominated for NAACP Image Awards. Jennifer Beals and Laurel Holloman also won an A-list award for sexiest television scene: the elevator scene.

In 2008 The L Word's companion website was honored at the 59th Annual Technology & Engineering Emmy Awards for Outstanding Achievement in Advanced Media Technology for Best Use of Commercial Advertising on Personal Computers.

International broadcasts


  1. ^ Amy Cavanaugh, "An interview with Ilene Chaiken", Washington Blade, 2009-03-09.
  2. ^ a b Schenden, Laurie K.. "Folk Like Us". Curve Magazine. Retrieved 2006-09-03.  
  3. ^ Bailey, Lucille M. (1995). "Still More on "X-Word"". American Speech 70 (2): 222–223. doi:10.2307/455820. Retrieved 2007-02-11.  
  4. ^ Daphne du Maurier: The Secret Life of the Renowned Storyteller, by Margaret Forster (1993).
  5. ^ "Limb for Limb". Showtime. 2005-02-27. Retrieved 2007-02-01.  
  6. ^ m (2005-02-27). "Lap Dance". Showtime. Retrieved 2007-02-01.  
  7. ^ "Lifesize.". Showtime. 2006-02-12. Retrieved 2007-01-25.  
  8. ^ "Losing the light.". Showtime. 2006-03-12. Retrieved 2007-01-25.  
  9. ^ "Labia Majora". Showtime. 2006-01-08. Retrieved 2007-01-25.  
  10. ^ "Lobsters". Showtime. 2006-01-22. Retrieved 2007-01-25.  
  11. ^ "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". Showtime. 2006-03-05. Retrieved 2007-01-25.  
  12. ^ "More Love! More Lust! More Longing! Showtime's The L Word Returns for a fourth Season". Showtime. 2006-02-02. Retrieved 2006-09-03.  
  13. ^ a b "Next On The L Word". Retrieved 2006-09-03.  
  14. ^ "Marlee Matlin Joins Cast of Showtime's Hit Series The L Word". Showtime. 2006-05-01. Retrieved 2006-09-03.  
  15. ^ a b "The L Word "Sheperds" in a New Cast Member". Showtime. 2006-06-06. Retrieved 2006-09-03.  
  16. ^ Dodd, Stacy (2006-07-26). "Kristanna Loken". Variety. Retrieved 2006-09-03.  
  17. ^ "News". Karina World. 2006-06-14. Retrieved 2006-09-03.  
  18. ^ Five Times the Love! Lust! Laughs! Longing! SHOWTIME's THE L WORD(R) Returns for a Fifth Season
  19. ^ OurChart. You're On It. | OurChart
  20. ^ Showtime loyal to 'L Word' - Entertainment News, TV News, Media - Variety
  21. ^ Showtime will have last 'Word'
  22. ^ Ilene Chaiken: L Word, 20 Jun 2008
  23. ^ Must Samantha Ronson Be A Lesbian Role Model?NY Post Page Six Magazine Oct 5, 2008
  24. ^ Exclusive: Elizabeth Berkley Utters 'The L Word' Jul 22, 2008 by Michael Ausiello
  25. ^
  26. ^ Valerie Anne del Castillo (2008-10-06). "'The L Word' Set to Come Back in January Next Year". Showtime. Retrieved 2009-02-26.  
  27. ^ Annie Barrett (2009-04-03). "Showtime passes on L Word spinoff (whew!) and Matthew Perry series (sniff!)". Entertainment Weekly. Retrieved 2009-04-03.  
  28. ^ Elizabeth Jensen, "‘The L Word’ Spins Off Its Chart", NY Times, 2006-12-18.
  29. ^ Pete Cashmore, " - The L-Word Launching Lesbian Social Network", Mashable, 2006-12-18.
  30. ^ Ilene Chaiken, "A New Year A New OurChart", Showtime.
  31. ^ a b Alison Glock (February 6, 2005). "She Likes to Watch". The New York Times. Retrieved 2009-03-16.  
  32. ^ Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick, "Foreword: The Letter L." Reading the L Word, edited by Kim Akass and Janet McCabe. London: I. B. Tauris (2006): xix
  33. ^ Dana Heller, "How Does a Lesbian Look? Stendhal's Syndrome and the L Word." Reading the L Word, edited by Kim Akass and Janet McCabe. London: I. B. Tauris (2006): 57
  34. ^ Samuel A. Chambers, "Heteronormativity and The L Word: From Politics of Representation to a Politics of Norms" Reading the L Word, edited by Kim Akass and Janet McCabe. London: I. B. Tauris (2006): 91
  35. ^ Margaret McFadden, ""We cannot afford to keep being so high-minded": Fighting the Religious Right on The L Word" The New Queer Aesthetic on Television: Essays on Recent Programming, edited by James R. Keller and Leslie Stratyner. Jefferson, North Carolina: McFarland & Company, Inc., Publishers (2006): 125
  36. ^ Rob Owen, "TV Review: Lesbians in love" Pittsburgh Post-Gazette January 16, 2004
  37. ^ Heather Havrilesky, "I Like to Watch" , January 14, 2007
  38. ^ Ginia Bellafante. "So Many Temptations to Succumb to, So Many Wandering Eyes to Track". The New York Times. Retrieved 2009-03-16.  

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

The L Word (2004-2009) was an American and Canadian co-production television drama series on Showtime portraying the lives of a group of lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their friends, family and lovers in the trendy Los Angeles-area city of West Hollywood, California.


Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

Bette: [holding a specimen cup of sperm] God, it's repugnant, I can't believe I used to swallow that stuff.

Dr. Wilson: All right, I'm going to take a look at this and while I'm gone, well, you remember how I told you that there's a fair amount of evidence now? It's more likely to take if you're aroused.
[Bette looks a tiny bit put off at the suggestion. The doctor turns the light off and winks at Bette then leaves the room. Bette turns toward Tina]
Bette: [laughs] She's not serious! Am I supposed to fuck you right here?
Tina: I think it would help.

Dana: When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.
Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.
Dana: [to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

Marina: Well, between the four of us, we'll come up with someone. What, he has to be healthy, strong, creative, handsome...
Tina: Artistic.
[Shane enters the cafe]
Dana: There's always Shane.

[as Jenny walks by The Planet for the first time, Dana ogles her. Everyone stares at Dana]
Dana: What?
Alice: You are *so* gay.
Tina: [rolling eyes] *So* gay.
[Dana slumps a little, tossing up a hand]
Dana: I know. I know.

[Bette enters The Planet and sees Dana]
Bette: Is that Dana Fairbanks? Hanging out at The Planet in West Hollywood?
Alice: Shh! She doesn't want her tennis fans to know she's a *gay lady*.
Dana: [gives Alice a hostile look] Funny.

Bette: Have you ever noticed that every time Shane walks into a room someone leaves crying?

[re Marina and Jenny's uncanny immediate connection]
Alice: Huh? Whatever, I'm just... gonna leave you two alone to get married!

Shane: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.
Dana: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.
Shane: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.
Alice: Oh, my God, it's Yoda.
Dana: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.
Bette: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

Instructor: Now everyone. Drop your heads. Close your eyes and set your intentions. Why are you here? To gossip with your friends? Or to change your body? What do you want to get out of the next forty minutes?
[the students start peddling harder]
Dana: [to Tina, re: Instructor] A good look at your spectacular tits would be nice.

[Shane leaves with a woman Dana wanted to ask out]
Dana: I don't get it. I mean, what does Shane have that I don't have?
Tina: It has to do with her attitude.
Dana: I've got attitude!
Marina: It's because she's so witholding.
Tina: No, it's because she's so confident.
Dana: No, it's because she's so STUPID and stupid people are too dumb to be insecure.
Alice: [firmly] Dana, she's your friend.
Tina: It's confidence okay? I'm telling you... it's because of her nipples.
Dana: What do you mean it's because of her nipples?
Tina: She has the best nipples in town and she knows it.
Alice: Oh my God. You're so right. She has nipple confidence!
Tina: Yeah, they're small and they're perfectly formed.
Alice: I wonder if I could sell a story on L.A's best nipples.

[Marina is buying groceries where Jenny works]
Marina: [to Jenny] Come on, I want to see you check me out.

Alice: Ooh, ooh, ooh. Now she's cute. And I haven't seen her before, is it possible?
Shane: Fresh meat.
Alice: New blood.
Dana: Cris-pay!
[Alice shakes her head at Dana]
Alice: Uh-uh.

Bette: Well.. Maybe she's a different kind of lesbian.
Shane: Yeah. The straight one.

Season 4

Bette: Can I get a sippy cup? Does anybody have a sippy cup!?

Max: I don't expect Carmen to forgive Shane anytime soon, but I do. So should you. I mean, I forgive you.
Jenny: What? What the fuck do you forgive me for? I haven't changed who I am, Max.

Max: I just don't know why we can't work it out.
Jenny: Because you identify as a straight man. So there's the mismatch because you want me to be your straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who likes to fuck girls. And you're not a girl.

Waiter: Refill?
Helena: [Wistfully] No, I don't think I can afford it.
Alice: Helena, it's free.

Helena: [Tearing up] I had no idea it could feel this warm and fuzzy being poor.

Jenny: There's Gabby Deveaux.
Helena: Whoa, that's a lot of hookups.
Alice: Yeah, she's a whore.

Alice: [reading OurChart IM] "Tonight 10pm I'll be there, will you?" Sure you will, Papi.
Tina: You call your computer "Papi?"
Alice: Oh No, it's this girl on OurChart. Papi. You know, she has more hits than Shane. How do you not know this? Where have you been?
[Tina laughs]
Alice: Ohhh, right. Stuck in the far reaches of heteroville. That's right.
Tina: [sarcastically] Yes, it's so scary.
Alice: Oooh, scary.
Tina: I think I remember you lurking around there a couple years ago.
Alice: Yes, but I did come to my senses. That's the difference between you and me.

Shane: Helena hates me, doesn't she?
Alice: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?
Shane: Really? Well then, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?
Alice: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?
Shane: What?

Jenny: And do you know what "Merkin" means, Jolene? Vagina wig. That's what her name means.

Helena: I will pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects.

Bette: [laughing on the phone] Oh my God, that sounds awful. She did NOT say "a mixer for our gay and our straight friends."

Alice: Thank God you're here, we're totally outnumbered.
Bette: What do you mean?
Alice: Straight people.
Bette: Oh, Jesus.

Blonde Woman: Your daughter is adorable.
Bette: Thank you.
Blonde Woman: What would you do if one day she decided she wants to live with her father?
Tina: We don't call him "the father," we call him the donor.
Bette: I really don't think that's going to happen.
Brad: Sorry, excuse me, I know you don't want it to happen, but kids have minds of their own. I'm sure your parents would rather you weren't a lesbian, you know.
Bette: My parents are dead.

Brad: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here.
Bette: An honest homophobe... how nice.

Alice: Shane!
Papi: Shane?
Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.
[showdown music]
Shane: Hey, hey.
Papi: You're Shane?
Shane: [shoots tequila, exhales] Whew! [addresses Papi] Yeah.
Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.
Shane: [looks down at herself] Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.
Alice: Shane!
Shane: [distractedly] What?
Alice: This is Papi.
Shane: Who?
Alice: Papi.
Shane: So what?
Papi: So, I'm your competition.
Shane: Oh. Oh, OK. Well, you know, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but, uh, you win. So, it was nice meeting you.

Papi: Don't be mad, Brown Barbie.
Bette: Who the fuck you calling "Brown Barbie?" You fucking Carmelita Tropicana.

Shane: He has a playdate with his friend.
Bette: Nice! That's probably the last word on earth I expected to be uttered from your lips.

Alice: [sarcastically] Wait, is this a lesson on writing from Jenny Schecter? Let me get a pen!
Jenny: Grab a pad too!

Jenny: Do you hear that? Oh my God, It's Monet...Monet has come back from the dead, and he wants me to give you a message. He say's "I am so sorry for sitting infront of my pond in France and sketching those water lillies, and using the water lillies as actual inspiration. Sorry to offend Alice."
Alice: Oh wait he's talking to me, so weird...
Alice: [Talking to herself] Okay, I'll tell her.
Alice: [Back to Jenny] He says don't ever fucking compare yourself to him!

Unidentified episode

Seasons 1 and 2

Season 1:Shane: [over beer and cards, each time someone walks in] Hey (whoever walks in), liquor in the front, poker in the rear! *hip thrust*

Shane: [To Cherie Jaffe] You know, my entire life people have said that I would become a psychopath if I didn't learn how to feel. And I wanna know, Cherie, what the fuck is so great about feeling? Because I finally let myself, and I feel like my heart's been completely ripped out.

[Dana and Tonya have gone to see Dana's parents to get their blessing for the wedding]
Tonya: Sharon... I was engaged once before, I don't know if Dana ever told you.
Sharon Fairbanks: No, she didn't
Tonya: Well... his name was Bayard, he was smart and successful, he was a real estate lawyer. He was totally in love with me... Now I tried really hard to make that one work. But every night I would wake up in the middle of the night, crying. And one night, Bayard work up and he found me like that. Do you know what he did?
Irwin Fairbanks: Damned if I do.
Tonya: He got down on one knee, and he said, "Tonya, will you not marry me? Because I know what's in your heart. And I love you too much to make you unhappy. Be true to yourself Tonya. Follow your heart".
[Sharon begins to cry and Dana and Tonya hug her]

Alice: [whispering in Dana's ear] I want you to fuck me really hard with a strap-on.

Alice: [sitting down in a cafe to enjoy a nice afternoon with one another because The Planet is closed] Does she know that we're having coffee?
Dana: Um... She's in New Port beach with her family.
[Alice nods]
Dana: No... no she doesn't know but, I'm not hiding it.
Alice: Well, if she was at the beach we could have met at your place, like the good old days.
[waves fist in the air]
Dana: But, we have rules and we're trying to follow them.
[looking down at the table, or anywhere else that's not Alice's face]
Alice: Does that mean that you're finding it difficult?
[also looking away from Dana]
Dana: No... no not at all, you?
Alice: Piece of cake.
[they look at each other and smile]

Dana: [apologizing to Lara] Can I please try again? I really want to try again. Can I?
Lara Perkins: One thing.
Dana: [holding back tears] Anything.
Lara Perkins: You have to start at least taking some steps towards being out.
Dana: I will.
Lara Perkins: Because you're going to be miserable being in the closet.
Dana: I know.
Lara Perkins: And you are really, really gay.
Dana: [almost laughing] I know.
Lara Perkins: And it's one of the things I like so much about you. If you hide that, you're hiding the best part.
[they kiss]

Alice: [Seeing Dana and Tonya dressed alike] "What is with the twin thing? Are they merging already?"

[Kit and female dancers are filming a music video in hoochie outfits]
Bette: Shit. I feel like I did this.
Tina: No, look she's having fun!
Bette: She's being mounted!

Alice: This coffee tastes like poopie-shit! Where's Marina?

Shane: [Shane and Alice are at the Planet talking when they see annoying Tonya walk in] Oh shit.
Alice: [Looking over and seeing Tonya] Oh no, I cannot take Cruella DeVille this morning. Do some - uh, pretend I'm upset.
Shane: What? What?
Alice: [Alice puts down her knitting and turns toward Shane and pokes her. Shane quickly sits up and puts her magazine down] Put your arm around me!
[Shane does]
Alice: Um... I'll just start sobbing, and... [she tries to sound like she's crying while Shane continues to pretend to comfort her] ... obviously it'll be a really intimate moment... I mean... no halfway-sensitive person would ever dream of interrupting.
[Shane shakes her head, still going along]
Tonya: Guys! You guys!
[Tonya sits at their table, completely unaware of their private moment. Alice and Shane make faces, then go back to what they were doing]
Tonya: This place is falling apart! [gasps] Did you guys hear what happened to Marina?

Tonya: [completely shocked] Bette is still *schtuping* the carpenter?

Alice: Ariana Huffington is fifty. She's not really your type. She's kinda fancy.
Shane: I'm doing her hair, Al, I'm not gonna fuck her.
Alice: Oh, okay. 'Cause the old Shane would.
Shane: Huh.
Shane: [Dana joins the table] Well in that case, if she's hot...
Tonya: [to Dana] Honey, Shane is doing Ariana Huffington.
Dana: You're doing Ariana Huffington? She's fifty, Shane!
Shane: Her hair.
Dana: Ah.

Kit: Let me talk to Tina.
Bette: What would you say?
Kit: That my sister is a pootie chasin' dog, who deserves to be tied down and whupped upside the head, but it doesn't change the fact that she loves you more than she loves her own life. And that you should finish punishing her and get back to figuring on how to live with one another for the next 50 years or more.
Bette: You could give it a try.
[Goes to take a bite of food, and stops, looking as if she's about to cry]
Kit: Now don't you go and pull a Marina on me now.

[after Tina rebuffs her attempt at reconciliation yet again]
Bette: Tina!

Alice: Dana.
[short pause]
Alice: You have a really nice ass.
[slowly moves her hand and touches Dana's ass]
[they start having rough sex with '80s pop music in background]

[after Tina tells her she wants to start seeing Bette again]
Helena Peabody: [condescendingly] Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were exclusive?

[after Alice tells Gabby off exactly as Bette and Tina told her to]
Gabby Deveaux: Emotional cripple? Where did you get that from? Dr. Phil?
Alice: Get out of my house.
Gabby Deveaux: Whatev. Suit yourself.
[starts to leave]
Gabby Deveaux: But this is not a good move for someone like you. Everyone knows you're desperate. There's no way you're going to bounce back from this.

Alice: [talking about admitting that they are attracted to each other] Well, we just took the first step, we took the power out of it.
Dana: [they slow down their stretching and begin to stare at each other. Dana kinda snaps out of it] I think we need to take the second step. [she jogs off]
Alice: [nodding] Yeah, okay.
Alice: [little bit later on] We need to counteract it. We just need to avoid all situations where we find each other most attractive.
Dana: Mm-hmm.
Alice: We need, like... rules of un-attraction.
Dana: Okay, like never be alone together, in places like the bathroom at The Planet.
Alice: Right! Never be alone together.
Dana: Especially never be alone together... in places where's there's like a bed or a couch.
Alice: Right, or - or - a table... or a floor...
[Dana smiles]
Alice: Or the backseat of a car.
Dana: [smiling] Ooh, that'd be good.... That wouldn't be good!
Alice: Okay, you need to stop showing up at The Planet after you've worked out, when you're all sweaty and your veins are all popping all over the place.
Dana: You like that? [Alice raises her eyebrows] Tonya hates that. Alright, well then you can't wear those shirts any more.
Alice: What shirts?
Dana: You know, the ones where... [grinning] they cling to you in some places and fall off you in others? ;;
[Alice has a huge grin on her face. Dana kind of rolls her eyes]
Dana: Fuck you.
Alice: Okay, that's totally against the rules.

Dana: [after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.
Alice: Dana, most girls are straight until they're not. And then... sometimes they're gay 'til they're not.
Shane: True, but there are also the ones that never look back. Right? And you can spot them coming a mile away.
Dana: How can you tell?
Alice: You read the signals.
Dana: That's my problem.
Shane: Dana, it's not a problem. Alright?
[Dana rolls her eyes]
Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.
Dana: No, no, no. That, is my problem, okay. I can't feel the flow. That... thing, whatever it is, I don't got it.
Alice: You don't have gaydar.
Dana: No.
Alice: You're so right, you don't have it!

Alice: [to Shane after finding out that her mom, Lenore, kissed Shane] Hey, sorry you got Lenored!

Alice: [she and Shane are trying to teach Dana gaydar, and she's pointing out a woman facing away from them at the counter] What is she?
Dana: [hesitates] A customer?
[Shane shakes her head]
Dana: I don't know!
Shane: Dana, look at her fingernails, are they long or short?
Alice: Are they polished or natural?
'Dana: They're long and polished. [she looks at Alice] Sooo, she's... [looks to Alice to see if she will fill in the blank]
Shane: Leaning to straight, but we still need more info.
Alice: [in response to Dana's frustrated sigh] Look at the shoes.
Dana: High-heeled sandals.
Alice: With tapered jeans.
Alice: [in response to Dana's very flummoxed expression] Would you wear high-heeled sandals with tapered jeans?
Dana: [looking back and forth between Shane and Alice, looking very confused] Yes?
Alice: [firmly] No.

Bette: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.
Dana: Well, she sends me food.
Bette: Mmmhmmm.
Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.
Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?
Dana: No, she just sends them.
Bette: But she hasn't spoken to you.
Dana: No.
Shane: Ask her out.
Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.
Dana: Exactly.
Alice: [rolling her eyes] Please don't encourage her.
Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.
Alice: [gasping] You mean?
Bette: I mean.
Dana: [laughing but obviously clueless] What?
Bette: [smiling] We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Shane: [to Bette who has answered the door in her bathrobe] Hi, were you sleeping?
Bette: Not exactly.
Alice: Yeah, we tried to call but no one answered.
Bette: So the logical conclusion was just to come over?
Alice: No, uh, it's an emergency, y'know, started as a gaydar thing, Shane and I are totally capable of handling that, but this one has major relationship stuff.
Bette: Uh-huh.
Shane: Yeah, I think at this point she needs expert advice.
Dana: [Looking very sheepish and pitiful] I'm so embarrassed. I'm sorry.
Bette: [smiling] It's okay Dana. We were finished.
Dana: [realizing what Bette means] Oh my God...

Shane: [realizing that they are in Tina and Bette's bedroom right after Tina's been inseminated] Wait. So, we could be here at the moment of conception.
Bette: [smiling] You could. Yes.
Shane: Well then, I'm really sorry. Would you like us to leave?
Bette: [smiling] That would be too late.

Alice: [Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.
Bette: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.
Shane: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.
Alice: Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.
Tina: Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.
Alice: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.
Bette: You know what we have to do.
[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]

Dana: [Having walked into the country club kitchen looking for Lara and finding her] Hey...
Lara: [looking up, seeing Dana gets a huge smile on her face] Hey!
[Continues to look at Dana, and cuts her thumb]
Lara: Ow!
Dana: [freaking out] Oh, my god! Oh! oh, my god, I'm sorry, I...
Lara: It's okay...
Dana: [still freaking out] Ah, Jesus, you're disfigured!
Lara: [smiling and calm] I'm not disfigured.
Dana: [panicked] But I could've killed you! When you were [makes chopping motion] ... you know...
Lara: [still smiling] It happens all the time.
Dana: Well, should we call a doctor?
Lara: [giggling] Dana!
[holds up hand, counting off fingers]
Lara: Second-degree burn from the bechamel sauce. Run-away shish-kabob. An attack from a particularly hostile live lobster, and, um, electric can-opener.
Dana: [blushing] Is there anything I can do?
Lara: [holding up thumb] You could kiss it and make it better.
Dana: [blushing then looking serious] Um. I was wondering if maybe sometime...
Lara: I would love to.
Dana: Really?
[Lara smiles and nods]
Dana: Okay! Is Thursday night okay?
Lara: Thursday night is great.
Dana: Where do you wanna go?
Lara: Anywhere you're going.
Dana: Yeah, but you're a food person. So, I want to take you someplace really good. Like L'Orangerie.
Lara: No, no, no, that's way too expensive.
Dana: I know. I'll take care of it.
Lara: We're not starting out that way. Um... there's - there's this little place in Koreatown that I've been dying to check out.
Dana: Do I need to make a reservation?
Lara: How about if I take care of that part, and you just pick me up at 8?
Dana: Okay.

'Bette: [to Alice about her thing with Gabby who treats her like crap] It has to end.
Tina: But seriously, Alice, you can't let Gabby continue to treat you this way.
Alice: You guys don't know her. I know it looks like she's treating me like shit, but... it's... she's just, y'know....
Tina: Treating you like shit, Al.
Alice: Maybe, it's just...
Bette: No. It's just you deserve better.
Alice: I do?
[everyone makes a face]
Alice: Alright, I do. But... I just feel like at times, she's, like, so right there, and I feel like we connect and then, all of a sudden, she acts like I don't even exist.
Tina: That's because she's an emotional cripple.
Bette: Yeah. Emotional cripple slash narcissistic personality disorder.
Tina: And the next time she calls you? You have to end it.
Alice: I know. It's just...
Bette: [firmly] It's just nothing.
Tina: What are you gonna do?
Alice: Well, I was gonna ask her...
Bette: No asking.
Tina: What are you gonna tell her?
[Alice laughs]
Tina: You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."
Bette: [continuing] "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."
Tina: "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."
Bette: "So step off, bitch!"
[Dana and Alice crack up, Bette gets up to answer her phone]
Tina: Do it.

[Jenny is writing. Scenes from the party are intercut with a hallucination of her English professor as Abraxas]
Jenny: I'm sitting in the chair, writhing in agony. A demon, a minor demon, is pinning me there, fucking with my head. 'Abraxas', he says, 'I'm Abraxas, the demon of lies and deceit'.
Abraxas: So, what do you want to know about lies, my dear?
Jenny: I'm not a liar, I try again to get up. This time I'm flayed, splayed. I feel myself screaming.
Abraxas: I'll tell you about lies. There are white lies and black lies, and many shades of grey lies. Some lies are justified. Lies told out of kindness, lies that preserve dignity, lies that spare pain.
[Scenes of people at the party telling lies]
Abraxas: Everybody's a liar, dear.

Lady on Intercom: Reviva. Who is it?
Alice: Uhh... yeah, uh... Alice Peters, I have an appointment.
'Lady on Intercom: I don't understand. What do you want?
Alice: [enunciating] I have an appointment.
Lady on Intercom: For what? What do you want?
Alice': All right, I need to get my vagina rejuvenated!
[Alice looks around quickly to see if anyone heard]
Lady on Intercom: Well, why didn't you just say so?

Shane: No. Sexuality is fluid, whether you're gay or you're straight or you're bisexual, you just go with the flow.

Alice: Some of us have it worst, Dana, you know. Some of us are dating lesbian men.

Jenny: [Takes a sip of water] I never said I was a lesbian.
Annette: So it just came outta no where and bit you on the ass like that? Cause I mean... I love women... yeah I mean, for the companionship. I figure I could do without the company of men entirely except, dude, I can't get down with the puss... I love a dick.
Jenny: I think I'm bisexual.
Annette: Oh brother...
Jenny: [Interrupting] I do... I really do.
Annette: Jenny, is this just your way of telling me that you had a crush on me in college?
Jenny: Annette... no.
Annette: [smiling] You're lying... You were madly in love with me. [she turns back to the mirror] Well I gotta get a look at this Marina, to see if she's worth it...
Jenny: [smiling] No...
Annette: Yeah.
Jenny: Oh no...
Annette: Yeah... no we gotta stalk her, no we gotta stalk her jenny just a little bit so I can see.
Jenny: no, no, no... no stalking.
Annette: Why?
Jenny: Because... um... her girlfriend's back in town.
Annette: Her girlfriend!
Jenny: I know...
Annette: Man, does this story get any better?

Bette: [voiceover at her and Tina's support group] What's happening to me?... Am I just panicking?... Is this about the baby?... Or am I falling out of love?

Dana: Slander against cats. Write that down.

[to Alice about using a strap-on]
'Dana: Is it a bisexual thing? You tryin' to have your cake and eat your pussy too?

Shane: That's the cycle of life. We start out eating baby food and wearing a diaper and we go out that way.

Bette: [entering the bathroom] Baby, are you okay?
Tina: [smiles] I think my water just broke. Oh my God.
Bette: [calls the hospital] Hi Davina, it's Bette Porter, I am in the bathroom of the Wiltern theater with Tina and a huge puddle of water.

[Tina hasn't told Bette about the baby]
Alice: I mean, she's GOTTA know. Is she fuckin' blind?

Dana: You know, Al, just 'cause you're riding the big fat weenie doesn't mean there's something wrong with the way the rest of us do it, okay?

[regarding Dana's dead cat, Mr.Piddles]
Tina: He looks a little strange.
Alice: Yeah. I think he... hasn't really thawed out yet. We were afraid he was gonna decompose, so Shane and I put him in the freezer.

Tina: [regarding the baby's last name] I think we should do some sort of combo thing. You know? Instead of the whole hyphenated thing?
Bette: What, like, "Portard"?
Tina: Bette..."Hey poor tard! How's your two moms you big gay-mo?"

Peggy Peabody: I hope you girls write fabulous, sick, neurotic, tortured love poems to one another.
Bette: [smiling] I'm actually working on several right now.
Peggy Peabody: Send me one, would you Bette?

Bette: [Bette and Tina are talking on the phone] And you know who's responsible for this? Your buddy Helena Peabody. The woman is a fucking dragon and she's making my life a living hell.
[Tina doesn't respond. Instead, she looks around impatiently, no longer looking interested in the call]
Bette: Oh, please tell me you're not sleeping with her, Tina.
Tina: [frustrated] Bette.
Bette: Are you sleeping with her? Are you fucking sleeping with her?
Tina: It's none of your fucking business.
Bette: Don't do it, Tina, that woman will eat you alive. She is a vampire.
Tina: Yeah, and a dragon.
Bette: That's right. She is a monster. However you wanna categorize it, she likes to fuck with people for sport and...

Alice: [Tina is urinating on a strip for her pregnancy test] How do you not pee on your hand?
Tina: You just aim below the clit.
Alice: Oh, really?
Tina: Yeah, where did you think pee came out of?
Alice: I dunno, there's a lot going on down there.

Peggy Peabody: I was a lesbian back in 1974.
Bette: Just 1974?
Peggy Peabody: Yes, that was all I needed.
Bette: That's what we commonly refer to as a "hasbian".

[on admitting that he is gay]
Burr Connor: I am a card carrying member of the Cock-Sucker's Club.

[interviewed by Mark]
Carmen: My name is Carmen de la Pica Morales. The first time I knew I was gay was back in high school when I fell in love with Lucia Torres, who was the girlfriend of Paco Fernandez, the toughest guy in school. She was one to be avoided by all the others, for Paco ruled the school. It was a unofficial rule: no-one screws with Paco's girl...but I did.

Jenny: Are you thinking about having sex with me right now?
Moira: It's crossed my mind...

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