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The Nanny
Format Sitcom
Created by Fran Drescher
Peter Marc Jacobson
Developed by Prudence Fraser
Robert Sternin
Starring Fran Drescher
Charles Shaughnessy
Daniel Davis
Lauren Lane
Nicholle Tom
Benjamin Salisbury
Madeline Zima
Renée Taylor
Ann Guilbert
Rachel Chagall
Theme music composer Ann Hampton Callaway
(Pilot episode: Cy Coleman and Dorothy Fields)
Opening theme "The Nanny Named Fran" by Ann Hampton Callaway
(Pilot episode: "If My Friends Could See Me Now" by Gwen Verdon)
Composer(s) Timothy Thompson
Ann Hampton Callaway
Country of origin United States
Language(s) English.
Yiddish (dubbed)
No. of seasons 6
No. of episodes 146 (List of episodes)
Executive producer(s) Fran Drescher (entire run)
Robert Sternin
Prudence Fraser (seasons 1–4; consulting executive producers, seasons 5–6)
Peter Marc Jacobson (seasons 2–6)
Diane Wilk (seasons 5–6)
Frank Lombardi (season 6)
Caryn Lucas (season 6)
Camera setup Videotape; Multi-camera
Running time 22–24 minutes
Production company(s) Sternin & Fraser Ink, Inc.
TriStar Television
Highschool Sweethearts (1996–1999)
Distributor TriStar Television (1994–1999)
Columbia TriStar Television (1999–2002; syndication)
Sony Pictures Television (2002–present, reruns only)
Original channel CBS
Picture format 480i 4:3 (SDTV)
720i 1.33 : 1 (HDTV)
Audio format Stereo (NTSC)
Original run November 3, 1993 (1993-11-03) – May 12, 1999 (1999-05-12)
Status Ended
External links
Official website
Production website

The Nanny is an American television sitcom co-produced by Sternin & Fraser Ink, Inc. and Highschool Sweethearts Productions in association with TriStar Television for the CBS network. It first aired from November 3, 1993, to May 12, 1999, and starred Fran Drescher as Fran Fine, a charming and bubbly Jewish Queens native who casually becomes the nanny of three children from the New York/British upper class.

Created and executive produced by Drescher and her then-husband Peter Marc Jacobson, The Nanny took much of its inspiration from Drescher's personal life, involving names and characteristics based on near relatives and friends. The show earned a Rose d'Or and one Emmy Award, out of a total of thirteen nominations, and Drescher was twice nominated for a Golden Globe as well as for an Emmy. Since the early 2000s the sitcom has also spawned several foreign adaptations, loosely inspired by the original scripts.



The Nanny is primarily based upon the story of nasal-voiced Fran Fine (played by Fran Drescher) who is from Flushing, Queens. Fran appears at the doorstep of a wealthy widowed Englishman, Broadway theatrical producer Maxwell Sheffield (Charles Shaughnessy), while selling cosmetics. Fran has just been fired from her job as a bridal consultant by her ex-fiancé, Danny. Maxwell unsure about her but is in desprate need of a new nanny quickly hires her to be the nanny to his three kids, Maggie (Nicholle Tom), Brighton (Benjamin Salisbury) and Grace (Madeline Zima). Fran, with her nontraditional nurturing style and no-nonsense honesty, soon becomes a favorite with the kids as well as Maxwell, as they come to respect her opinions and love her as a person. It is a situation of blue collar meets blue blood, as Fran gives the prim-and-proper Maxwell and his children a dose of "Queens logic", helping them to become a healthy, happy family.

Proudly running the Sheffield household is the butler, Niles (Daniel Davis), who watches all events with a bemused eye and levels problems with his quick wit. Niles quickly recognizes Fran's gift for bringing warmth into the family and becomes fast friends with her. He does his best to undermine Maxwell's socialite business partner, C. C. Babcock (Lauren Lane), in their ongoing game of one-upmanship. C. C. views Fran with a mixture of skepticism, hatred, and jealousy, as they both have designs on the very available Mr. Sheffield.

Perpetually hovering close by are Fran's stereotypically obsessive and food-loving "Jewish mother" Sylvia (Renée Taylor); her rarely-seen but often-mentioned father Morty; her cigarette-addicted senile grandmother Yetta (Ann Guilbert), dispensing nonsensical advice and often erroneously believing Mr.Sheffield to already be Fran's husband and his children to be hers as well (a belief she does not keep to herself), Fran's dim-witted best friend Val (Rachel Chagall) keeping her company on the perpetual quest for a husband and constantly reminding Fran how things can always get worse (as Val has much less luck than Fran).


Main cast

For a full list of characters with articles, see the individual character articles.

The Nanny maintained an ensemble cast, keeping the same set of characters for its entire six-season run. Numerous secondary characters and love interests for these characters appeared intermittently to complement storylines that generally revolved around this core group.

Character Actor
Fran Fine Fran Drescher
Maxwell Sheffield Charles Shaughnessy
Niles Daniel Davis
C.C. Babcock Lauren Lane
Maggie Sheffield Nicholle Tom
Brighton Sheffield Benjamin Salisbury
Grace Sheffield Madeline Zima

Recurring cast

Sylvia Fine Renée Taylor
Yetta Rosenberg Ann Guilbert
Val Toriello Rachel Chagall

Guest stars

Although largely operating around that main ensemble cast, The Nanny featured an enormous number of guest stars over the years. Notable repeat guests included Lainie Kazan as Fran's paternal aunt Freida Fine, Steve Lawrence as Fran's never before seen father Morty Fine and as herself, Pamela Anderson as Fran's nemesis Heather Biblow, Ray Charles as Yetta's fiancé Sammy, Spalding Gray as Dr. Jack Miller, and Fred Stoller as Fred The Pharmacist. Most celebrities guest-starred in single episodes as themselves, primarily appearing in connection with Maxwell's business relations, such as actors and actresses Chevy Chase, Billy Ray Cyrus, Lesley-Anne Down, Erik Estrada, Dan Aykroyd, John Astin, Joe Lando, Shari Lewis, Richard Kline, Bette Midler, Joan Collins, Roseanne, Barbra Streisand, Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme,Jane Seymour, Cloris Leachman, Elizabeth Taylor, Elton John, Jason Alexander, Lamb Chop (puppet) and Shari Lewis, Lynn Redgrave, Hugh Grant, Margaret Cho, Eric Braeden and Hunter Tylo; media personalities Roger Clinton, Jr., Jay Leno, David Letterman, and Donald Trump; and musicians such as Lisa Loeb, Brian Setzer, Celine Dion, appeared in a 1994 episode. Rapper Coolio, Whoopi Goldberg, Steve Lawrence and Rosie O'Donnell, however, guest starred as both characters and themselves in different episodes. Two-time "Survivor" Jonathan Penner appeared as Fran's former fiance, Danny Imperialli. James Marsden appeared as Maggie's boyfriend, Eddie, and Telma Hopkins appeared as Fran's "mother" in the episode Fran's Roots. Scott Baio also made an appearance as a rookie doctor who was a former schoolmate of Fran's (Fran was his first patient...ever).

While starring, Fran Drescher also reprised her role of Bobbi Fleckman from the 1984 film This Is Spinal Tap and made a cameo appearance as herself in the third last episode; Charles Shaughnessy followed with a double role as a foreign sultan in a special episode. Drescher's real-life parents, Morty and Sylvia Drescher made appearances as Fran's Uncle Stanley and Aunt Rose; her Pomeranian Chester appeared as C.C.'s pet in more than a dozen episodes. Renée Taylor's husband, Joe Bologna, and their son Gabriel also had minor roles as doctors on the show. Ray Romano made a crossover as Ray Barone, Fran's former fellow student, linking The Nanny with his comedy Everybody Loves Raymond. Tom Bergeron starred as himself in an episode where Maxwell was a star on Hollywood Squares, as a replacement for Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Episode overview

Season Episodes First Air Date Last Air Date Notes
1 22 November 3, 1993 May 16, 1994
2 26 September 12, 1994 May 22, 1995
3 27 September 11, 1995 May 20, 1996 "Oy to the World" Animated Episode
4 26 September 18, 1996 May 21, 1997
5 23 October 1, 1997 May 13, 1998
6 22 September 30, 1998 May 12, 1999


Season Season Premiere Season Finale TV Season Rank Viewers
(in millions)
1 November 3, 1993 May 16, 1994 1993–1994 N/A N/A
2 September 12, 1994 May 22, 1995 1994–1995 #24 [1] 12.5
3 September 11, 1995 May 20, 1996 1995–1996 #17 [2] 12.4
4 September 18, 1996 May 21, 1997 1996–1997 #45 [3] 9.1
5 October 1, 1997 May 13, 1998 1997–1998 #50 [4] 8.3
6 September 23, 1998 May 18, 1999 1998–1999 #84 [5] 9.3

The Nanny: Reunion Special

Name Air Date
The Nanny Reunion: A Nosh to Remember December 6, 2004

Theme song

The show's original theme was the song "If My Friends Could See Me Now", performed by Gwen Verdon from the 1966 Broadway musical Sweet Charity [6], but this theme was scrapped after the pilot episode, and it was only heard in the pilot episode in the original CBS run (all syndicated airings of the episode removed the theme as well as any mention of it in the closing credits).

The second theme song, "The Nanny Named Fran", which was written and performed by Ann Hampton Callaway, would be the theme song for the remainder of the series. Two instrumental versions of the theme song were used in the closing credits, one that is a direct instrumental version of the theme (used only in a few season one episodes), and another that sounds slightly different from the theme song (although the end of the closing theme features an instrumental portion taken almost directly from the theme song).

Opening credits

The opening sequence for the pilot featured Fran in front of a white background, getting herself made up going to work as the nanny; at the end of the sequence, it shows Fran heading toward a stroller (this is ironic as all of the Sheffield children were older than five-years-old) and a lipstick print appears to the above right.

With the change of the theme song from "If My Friends Could See Me Now" to "The Nanny Named Fran" also came the change of the opening sequence, which like the theme, describes the story of how Fran Fine went from being fired from the bridal shop by Danny Imperiali to becoming the nanny of the Sheffield children. The opening sequence remained the same despite Renée Taylor, Ann Guilbert and Rachel Chagall being now credited as "starring" in the in-show credits. The only change to the sequence was in season six when producer Kathy Landsberg was promoted to co-executive producer of the series as her producer credit was moved to the in-show credits, and the names of show creators Drescher and Jacobson, and developers Sternin and Fraser were added in its place.



It was not until 1991 – the same year Drescher decided to visit friend Twiggy Lawson and her family in London, England that the pair came up with early drafts for The Nanny. Inspired by a culture-clashy shopping tour with Lawson's teenage daughter which saw Drescher actually functioning in a less parental but "humorous [...] kind of Queens logic, self-serving advice" mode,[7] she convinced her husband starting work of what she called "doing a spin on [the 1965 film] The Sound of Music."[7] However, it was not until a transatlantic flight to Paris that Drescher persuaded fellow passenger Jeff Sagansky, at the time president of CBS Corporation, for whom she had starred in the short-lived TV series Princesses, to meet with her and Jacobson when Drescher returned to Los Angeles, California.

Back in Los Angeles, the pair pitched their idea to Tim Flack and Joe Voci, both in comedy development at CBS.[7] Sagansky brought in experienced producers Robert Sternin and Prudence Fraser,[7] another husband-and-wife team with whom Drescher had worked before during guesting on Who's the Boss? in 1985 and 1986. Interested, both couples teamed up to write the script for the pilot together, creating a character with the intention to build off Drescher's image. "Our business strategy was to create a show that was going to complement our writing, complement me as a talent,"[7] Drescher said in a 1997 interview with the Hollywood Reporter. As a result, the characters draw deeply on the Drescher family, including Fran Fine's parents, Sylvia and Morty, and grandmother Yetta, who all were named after their real-life counterparts.


Most of all early The Nanny episodes were shot in front of a live studio audience on Stage 6 at the Culver Studios (during later seasons the taping was no longer performed before an audience due to the complexities of the fantasy sequences, costume changes etc.), generally on Friday nights.[8] Scripts for a new episode were issued the Monday before for a read-through; Wednesday was rehearsal and network run-through day, and final scripts were issued on Thursday.[8]

Nearly 100 crew members were involved in the shooting of a single episode.[9] Although Drescher, Fraser, Jacobson and Sternin, the show's only executive producers for the first four seasons, coordinated "pretty much everything" at the beginning,[9] according to Sternin, they eventually found their niche and in the following years, Drescher and Sternin decided to focus on writing story outlines, while Jacobson presided over the writing team, and Fraser observed the run-throughs.[9] The four of them were later joined by Frank Lombardi, Caryn Lucas and Diane Wilk.


The comedy in The Nanny was formulated with many running gags, which contributed heavily to the success of the series. Much of this formula was character-based, with all major characters possessing a specific trait or quirks that provided a source of parody for other characters. The conflicting elements of each character's own comedy were often played off against one another (Fran and Maxwell, Niles and C.C., Maggie and Brighton). Occasionally the characters would break the fourth wall and comment on the situations themselves, or Fran would comment to the audience or look into the camera. Another running gag is the many references to Beatles songs.

Other running gags include Fran constantly referring to eccentric family members (some never shown, most of them dying); Fran lying about her age—especially to men; Maxwell fighting through his rivalry with actual Broadway producer Andrew Lloyd Webber; Sylvia loving food in excess; Niles delivering sharp one-liners, often aimed at C.C.; C.C. cold-heartedly reacting to situations that are usually sentimental to others; Gracie psychologically analyzing various situations; Niles always getting fired because he always embarrasses Maxwell or gives Fran ideas that Maxwell extremely dislikes (like the time when Niles suggested that Max, C.C. and Fran go to the Streisand house); Fran and Val lacking intelligence and obsessing over material possessions (i.e. clothes); Yetta making disconnected comments revealing her senility; Fran criticizing Maxwell's and Niles' reserved and inhibited British nature; Brighton morphing into a hopeless dork; Maxwell passing up the incredibly popular musical, Cats, then becoming upset when such an idiotic idea became a success; Niles' last name never being revealed; C.C. covering her long-unrevealed name (finally given as Chastity Claire in the series finale); C.C. failing to remember the names of the Sheffield children (even convinced by Niles in one episode that there was another child Sydney); Sylvia constantly nagging Fran to get married; Niles offering obvious hints to Maxwell and Fran about them realizing they should be together; C.C. pining over her unrequited romantic interest in Maxwell; and Fran obsessing with Barbra Streisand. There was also the occasional tryst between Niles and C.C., contrasting with their typical open disdain for each other, which was actually love.

In addition, there is also a great deal of physical comedy in The Nanny including exaggerated falls and chases. Drescher's facial expressions, when shocked or surprised, can also be seen as reminiscent of Lucille Ball's portrayals of Lucy Ricardo and Lucy Carmichael. The parallels were suggested in one episode, where an exasperated Mr. Sheffield refers to Fran as "Mrs Carmichael," and again in another (in which the family travels to Hollywood) when he alludes to Fran and "Ethel" stealing John Wayne's footprints, and again when Maxwell says "Miss Fine, you go' sum splannin to do!" like Ricky Ricardo often said to Lucy Ricardo. The episode that featured a visit from Elizabeth Taylor began with Maxwell and Niles trying to hide the visit from Fran ("Boys, boys, boys. Now do you think my mother gave birth to a dummy 25 years ago?") followed by her gripe "You never introduce me to any of the stars that you know; I've got a good mind to take Little Ricky and... oh. Never mind." Viewers for Quality Television calls The Nanny "the 90s version of I Love Lucy. It was well written and entertaining"[10].


The show languished its first year. When it was nearly canceled, Sagansky stepped in as its champion. According to Jacobson: "At all those affiliate meetings, he used to say, 'Stick by The Nanny!' He knew it was something special."[11] The sitcom was the first new show delivered to CBS for the 1993 season and the highest-tested pilot at the network in years.[7] The series was also hugely successful internationally, especially in Australia,[11] where it was one of the highest rated programs during the mid-late 1990s.

Although soon emerging as a favorite among the company, sponsors questioned whether the writers had ventured too far in terms of ethnicity and Drescher acted too obviously Jewish.[7] The actress, however, declined to change Fran Fine into an Italian American: "On TV, you have to work fast, and the most real, the most rooted in reality to me is Jewish. I wanted to do it closest to what I knew."[12] By contrast, the producers came to the conclusion that to oppose her should be a family of British origin, so "she wouldn't come across as Jewish so much as the American you were rooting for," Sternin explained. "The idea was to make her the American girl who happens to be Jewish rather than the Jewish girl working for the WASPs."[7]


The show originally aired on CBS. The show began off-network syndication in September 1997, distributed by Columbia TriStar Television (now Sony Pictures Television) on various broadcast television networks in the U.S. The show had aired on Lifetime Television from 2000 until 2008. The show can be seen currently on Nick at Nite in the United States, and Go! in Australia. The Nanny will discontinue airing on Nick at Nite in April 2010, after which it will move to Nick@Nite's sister network, TV Land.

Nick at Nite imposed restrictions to not allow any broadcast television networks in the U.S. to pick up the rights to airing the reruns again[citation needed] and once TV Land begins airing the reruns, it will continue those same restrictions as well[citation needed]. On February 8, 2010, Fran Drescher hosted a week-long marathon of The Nanny, titled "Valentine Schmalentine", on Nick at Nite.

DVD releases

Sony Pictures Home Entertainment has released seasons 1, 2 & 3 of The Nanny on DVD in regions 1, 2 & 4. Season 3 was released on March 17, 2009 in Region 1, almost 3 years after the release of season 2. [1]

DVD Name
Ep #
Release dates
Special Features
Region 1
Region 2
Region 4
The Complete 1st Season 22 July 12, 2005 August 9, 2005 July 13, 2005
  • Commentary with Fran Drescher
  • The Making of The Nanny
The Complete 2nd Season 26 May 2, 2006 June 8, 2006 May 10, 2006
  • None
The Complete 3rd Season 27 March 17, 2009 March 5, 2009 March 11, 2009
  • None
The Complete 4th Season 26 TBA TBA TBA
The Complete 5th Season 23 TBA TBA TBA
The Complete 6th Season 22 TBA TBA TBA


Year Award Category Recipient
1996 BMI Film & TV Awards BMI TV Music Award Timothy Thompson
1995 Primetime Emmy Award Outstanding Individual Achievement in Costuming for a Series Brenda Cooper
(For episode "Canasta Masta")
2008 TV Land Awards Favorite Nanny Fran Drescher
1999 TeleVizier-Ring Gala, Netherlands Silver TeleVizier-Tulip
1996 Young Artist Awards Best Performance by a Young Actor – TV Comedy Series Benjamin Salisbury

Foreign adaptations

Countries with local versions

The Nanny was shown in more than eighty countries worldwide. In addition, several local versions of the show have been produced in other countries. These shows follow the original scripts very closely, but with minor alterations in order to adapt to their respective country's culture. The remake in Russia was so popular that some original American writers were commissioned to write new scripts after all original episodes were remade.[13]

See also


External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

The Nanny (19931999) was a popular situational comedy starring actress Fran Drescher as Fran Fine, a charming and bubbly Jewish Queens native who casually becomes the pantyhose-clad nanny of three children from the New York Upper Class.

Created and executive produced by Drescher and her then-husband Peter Marc Jacobson, The Nanny took much of its inspiration from Drescher's personal life, involving names and characteristics based on near relatives and friends.[1] The show earned a Rose d'Or and one Emmy Award, out of a total of 13 nominations, and moreover garnered Drescher two Golden Globe nominations.


Season 1

Pilot [1.1]

Fran: Oh, please! I come from Flushing. There is nothing these kids can throw at me that I haven't seen before. Except maybe their trust funds.

Mr. Sheffield: I overreacted, didn't I?
Niles: Like Reagan in Grenada.

Smoke Gets In Your Lies [1.2]

Brighton: Why does everyone assume the worst of me?
Fran: It saves time.

Fran: [After an argument with Mr. Sheffield] Can you believe he just sent me to my room? He is so adorable sometimes.

My Fair Nanny [1.3]

Maggie: Who does C.C. think she is, butting into my social life?
Fran: What social life?
Maggie: I just went to the movies with Denise.
Fran: Honey, she's the cleaning lady.

[Trying to correct her walk]
Mr. Sheffield: It's your hips, Ms. Fine.
Fran: Well, I've never had any complaints before.
Mr. Sheffield: It's the way they move from side to side.
Fran: Well, I've never had any complaints before.

The Nuchslep [1.4]

Fran: Niles, are you okay?
Niles: I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit queer.
Fran: Don't ask, don't tell. But for God's sake, come out of the closet.
Niles: Ill, Ms. Fine. I'm beginning to feel a bit ill.
Fran: Oh, you British. You look like us, you act like us, but bottomline: you're foreigners.

Fran: I'm just trying to expose the children to other cultures. We order Chinese food, they learn how Jewish people eat.

Here Comes The Brood [1.5]

[After hearing Fran call Mr. Sheffield from downstairs]
C.C.: Ms. Fine, please. They've already freed Willy.

Fran: I don't know about these straps, Ma. You look like a ham.
Sylvia: The salesgirl said I look like a dream.
Fran: Maybe Oscar Mayer's.

The Butler, The Husband, The Wife And Her Mother [1.6]

Fran: [About her uncle] Jack was always trying to one-up my mother. We bought a Skylark, he bought an Eldorado. We moved to Flushing, he moved to Florida. I'm telling you, she could never win. Oh yeah, once, she grew a moustache before him.

Fran: What we need here is compromise.
Mr. Sheffield: Meaning I do what you want and compromise my integrity.
Fran: That's democracy in action.

Imaginary Friend [1.7]

Fran: Question: When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment? At all?
C.C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

Fran: I remember when Goldie died, may she rest in peace.
Mr. Sheffield: Your grandmother?
Fran: My goldfish.
Mr. Sheffield: Goldie the goldfish. Clever. You should write.
Fran: I loved her so. And then there she was one day belly-up in her bowl, her little body just covered in ick. We gave her a 21 flush salute.
Mr. Sheffield: Lovely tribute.
Fran: No. She just wouldn't go down.

Christmas Episode [1.8]

Fran: Look, Gracie! Santa took a bite out of the cookies we left him.
Grace: I didn't know Santa wore red lipstick.
Fran: The man gets out of the house once a year. Live and let live.

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, did you remember my attache?
Niles: Yes, sir.
Mr. Sheffield: And my carry-on?
Niles: Always, sir.
Mr. Sheffield: Well, seems we have everything.
C.C.: [Enters] Maxwell?
Niles: Oops, I guess I did forget one old bag.

Personal Business [1.9]

C.C.: Synthetic fur. How P.C. of you.
Fran: P.C.?
C.C.: As in politically correct.
Fran: Oh, well, it's actually J.C. as in Penney.

[About the acting of soap opera star]
Fran: He is truly sensitive. When he cries, snot comes out of his nose.

The Nanny-In-Law [1.10]

Clara: Ms. Fine, is it? Which agency exactly was it that arranged for your position here?
Fran: Oh, I didn't come through an agency. Mr. Sheffield hired me right off the street.
Mr. Sheffield: It's not like it sounds. I tried her out for the weekend first.

Fran: Maggie, shut your mouth. We are not a PEZ dispenser.

A Plot For Nanny [1.11]

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, what I am trying to say is if you are intent on having a fling then there are certain rules regarding proper places for a fling to be flung.
Fran: Mm-hmm. So I take it the previous nannies never, er... flang?
Mr. Sheffield: No, they were not flingers.

[About Steve going back to college]
Fran: Oh, a professional man! Doctor?
Steve: No.
Fran: Lawyer?
Steve: No.
Fran: Indian chief?
Steve: I'll give you a hint. [Dons a red rubber nose]
Fran: You're studying to be Karl Malden?

The Show Must Go On [1.12]

Mr. Sheffield: It is just a P.T.A. Meeting.
Fran: Meanwhile, some of those Ps and Ts could be lonely hes.
Niles: You've certainly got the A for it.

[About Grace as a performer]
Mr. Sheffield: My God, she has got something, hasn't she?
Fran: Yeah. Guts.

Maggie The Model [1.13]

Chloe: I'll never forget those three glorious weeks we spent in Cornwall.
Mr. Sheffield: We were never in Cornwall.
Chloe: Devon?
Mr. Sheffield: No.
Chloe: The cozy little room with the fireplace and the four-poster bed?
Mr. Sheffield: Nope. Not me.
Chloe: Well, I had a good time.

Fran: Aw, thanks, Peppy.
Pepe: No, it's Pe-PAY, okay?
Fran: Let me guess. Arnold, right?
Pepe: No, Bernie.

Family Plumbing [1.14]

Fran: I'm gonna be canned for sure.
Niles: Ms. Fine, you spend so much time up this creek, I should think by now you'd have bought a paddle.

Fran: Maggie has to learn to handle 14-year-old boys so that when she grows up, she can know how to handle full grown men who, when you think about it, are a lot like 14-year-old boys.

Deep Throat [1.15]

[About Fran's tonsil removal]
Brighton: Remember, Fran, afterwards, you can have all the ice-cream you want.
Fran: Swell. If I live, I'll be hippy.

Fran: Shister Meffield, I love you.

Schlepped Away [1.16]

Sylvia: It's the worst blizzard in 30 years.
Fran: Oh God! Did Kathie Lee come into the studio?
Sylvia: No.
Fran: It's bad.

[About Kenny]
C.C.: For all we know, he could be a member of a gang.
Fran: What gang? The 'Oys In The Hood?

Stop The Wedding, I Want To Get Off [1.17]

Jocelyn: Maxwell, you described [Fran]'s laugh all wrong in your letter. It's nothing like the QE 2 adrift in a fog.

Fran: Brighton, don't be greedy. God will punish you.
C.C.: [Enters] Good evening, everyone.
Fran: See?

Sunday In The Park With Fran [1.18]

Fran: Too bad we didn't have this conversation in the garden. The plants would have loved the fertilizer.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, don't you have something you want to say to Mr. Bradley and his son?
Fran: Yeah, but then I'd have something else to apologize for.

The Gym Teacher [1.19]

Val: That sales clerk was SO rude!
Fran: I know! You ask to try on 20 pairs of shoes and right away they get an attitude.

[Coming up with an excuse to get Maggie out of gym class]
Grace: How about severe depression brought on by feelings of inadequacy and fear of death?
Fran: Gracie, where do you come up with these things?
Grace: Usually during hopscotch.

Ode To Barbra Joan [1.20]

Fran: It's like my mother always says—
Niles: "You can freeze anything"?
Fran: No.
Mr. Sheffield: "Why buy Sweet'N Low when restaurants are giving it away"?
Fran: No.
Mr. Sheffield: "Seven cans of tuna fish count as one in the express line"?
Fran: No. My mother always said: "Blood is thicker than water. And you can wash them both off of plastic slip covers".

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, can I talk to you for just one minute?
Mr. Sheffield: I doubt it.

Frannie's Choice [1.21]

Mr. Sheffield: So would you like me to be there when you tell the children?
Fran: Do we have to tell the children?
Mr. Sheffield: I think they'll notice you're missing.
Fran: Can't you just tell them I'm taking a bath?
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, you'll be gone forever.
Fran: Tell them I'm putting on my makeup.

C.C.: Hey, kids, you know when I'm down in the dumps, what cheers me up?
Fran: A fifth of scotch and a fresh pack of batteries?

I Don't Remember Mama [1.22]

Fran: Hi. I'm Fran and this is Gracie.
Bobbi: [One of the contestants] I'm Bobbi Jo and this is my daughter Betty Jo.
Fran: How are things in Petticoat Junction? [They share polite laughter]
Bobbi: So is this your first beauty pageant?
Fran: Hardly. Yours?
Bobbi: Oh, 'fraid not. Ms. Sun Svelte 1982.
Fran: '83 Ms. Manny, Moe & Jack.
Bobbi: '84 Ms. Leon County.
Fran: '85 Ms. Union Turnpike.
Bobbi: '87 finalist, Ms. Universe.
Fran: Oh. Nothing in '86, huh?

Mr. Sheffield: I don't know how [C.C.] can be so insensitive.
Niles: Oh, sir, the woman would invite the Clintons to go whitewater rafting.

Season 2

Fran-Lite [2.1]

Mr. Sheffield: First day of school already, huh? Summer just flew by.
Fran: Spoken by a man who did not see The Lion King 257 times.

Fran: Honey, you're talking to a woman whose underpants fell off in Bloomingdales.
Brighton: What did you do?
Fran: I kicked 'em down to the Lancome counter and kept on walking.

The Playwright [2.2]

Brighton: Did you know that if you squeeze coal really hard it turns into a diamond?
Fran: Not true. One summer, me and Val went through a whole bag of Kingsford briquettes trying for earrings.
Brighton: No luck, huh?
Fran: No way, but to this day, I got a handshake like Lou Ferrigno.

Fran: Do I sound like I'm coming down with a cold?
Niles: Constantly.

Everybody Needs A Bubby [2.3]

Fran: In my house, the fight ain't over until the fat lady grabs the Ginsu and says: "Here, cut my heart out."
Niles: We never say a cross word in our family. We just die very early from colon disorders.

Yetta: Frannie, I know it's none of my business but it might help your marriage if you got rid of that blond your husband's always hanging around with. I don't know if you noticed but your kids are blond.
Fran: They're not my kids. He's not my husband. Oy, she couldn't have spaced out with Mr. Sheffield. No! With him, she could recall things from the womb.
Yetta: All I'm saying is that a blond like that with big shoulder pads dragged off your grandfather.
Fran: That was a Cossack!

Material Fran [2.4]

Fran: I tell ya, these personals are such a joke. Look at this: "Single White Female". That could mean anyone from Madonna to Janet Reno. Here's one: "Exotic Good Looks". I'm seeing a depilatory problem... Here's a gem. "Young bi-couple digs snakes. Contact Feoni. P.O. Box 666. No weirdos."

Grace: You have no idea how cruel children can be.
Fran: Honey, I've had this voice since the second grade. Need I say more?

Curse Of The Grandmas [2.5]

Fran: Does anybody know what today is?
Niles: Another one of your colorful holidays involving plagues?

Niles: Think back, sir. One year ago today, someone's spiked heel dug it's first gibbet into the parquet floor.
Mr. Sheffield: Weren't you going to get that fixed?
Niles: Come closer. One year to the day since we first learned: "If it ain't half-off, it ain't on sale."

The Nanny Napper [2.6]

Policeman: You have the right to remain silent.
Mr. Sheffield: You obviously don't know her very well.

Mr.Sheffield: How on earth did you get here with that Gay Pride Parade going on?
Niles: Oh, I borrowed a poodle and walked. In fact, I got several job offers. What's the difference between a butler and a houseboy?
Mr. Sheffield: In your case, about 30 years, Niles.
Niles: Rot in jail, sir.

A Star Is Unborn [2.7]

Maggie: Say, some of the kids are going to the Hamptons for the weekend.
Fran: Oh, great! Will there be boys there?
Maggie: Um... Maybe a few.
Fran: Fun! Parents? Ah! Who cares? They'll just get in the way anyway. Go! Have a blast! We don't even have to tell your father.
Maggie: Really?
Fran: Sure! And when I'm fired and you're in the convent, we'll write each other letters and laugh about this.

Fran: You know what I think? You're jealous because Phillipe discovered something that was right under your nose.
Mr. Sheffield: And what would that be exactly?
Fran: My star quality!
Mr. Sheffield: That's rather like discovering the atomic bomb. Sounds good in theory but millions will suffer!

Pinske Business [2.8]

[Fran walks in in a svelte black number]
Maggie: Wow, Fran, you look so hot in that dress!
Fran: Uh-oh, I'm supposed to look like Ms. Babcock. I tried to dress conservatively. Niles, can you picture Ms. Babcock in this dress?
Niles: Not if I ever want to function as a man again.

Fran: Okay, Niles, I'm off to be Ms. Babcock. Help me get into character. Hit me with your best shot.
Niles: Oh, no, Ms. Fine. I couldn't possibly.
Fran: C'mon! Hello, hello, I'm C.C. Babcock, off to go to work.
Niles: In your usual corner? [Stops] I'm sorry, Ms. Fine. Don't make me do this.
Fran: I'm Ms. Babcock and I'm off to get money from a man.
Niles: Don't forget your change belt. [Stops again] I hate myself... Do it again.
Fran: No, I have to go.
Niles: Oh, c'mon, one more, I'm hot!
Fran: All right and I'll make this one easy. Niles, get me a drink. I'm dog-tired.
Niles: [Thinks hard]
Fran: C'mon... I don't hear anything... Niles, get a life. [Leaves]
Niles: I got it! I got it! [Shouts out by the driveway] I'll leave the lid up on the toilet bowl! [Apologetically] Officer.

Stock Tip [2.9]

Fran: Honey, I think you should hike up your pants a little bit.
Brighton: No, Fran, this is cool.
Fran: No, honey, this is the Maytag repair man.

Fran: Maggie, who does Ms. Babcock hate more, me or [Niles]?
Maggie: Whoa! God, this is hard. She hates both your guts.
Fran: Yeah, but I make her nauseous.
Niles: I make her drink.

Whine Cellar [2.10]

Brighton: This will be a great party. A bunch of 60-year-old ladies pinching my cheeks.
Maggie: Learn to love it. That's as close to a woman as you'll ever get.

[Fran and C.C. are locked in the wine cellar]
C.C.: These are the topics we can no longer discuss: what Woolite can and cannot do, anyone with the last name "Cassidy", odd-shaped moles on Eastern Europeans...
Fran: All right, okay, but you're really restricting the conversation.

When You Pish Upon A Star [2.11]

C.C.: What do I have to do to please anyone around this house?!
Mr. Sheffield: [Warningly] Niles.
Niles: But, sir. Fish gotta swim.

C.C.: Nanny Fine, you're alone with the kid for two minutes and he wants to quit show business?!
Niles: If only we could put her in a room with Tori Spelling.
C.C.: I could kill you. I could rip out your heart with my bare hands!
Fran: ...She don't have a key to the house, does she? Oh, Mr. Sheffield, maybe it's all for the best.
Maxwell: No, it is not all for the best, Miss Fine; it is not all for the best at all!
Fran: But you yourself said that the kid was a pain in the butt!
Maxwell: Alright, Miss Fine, let me see if you can follow this, hmm? Sky: blue! Fire: hot. Actor: pain in the butt! You are going to rectify this situation.
Fran: Wow, that sounds painful...
. . .
Mr. Sheffield: You are going to march yourself upstairs, put on something smashing, take him to the best restaurant in town and order the most expensive thing on the menu!
Fran: Well, all right. But I'm not taking the limo!
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, yes, you are!
Fran: Slave driver! [Leaves and returns] But there is no way you are buying me a new dress!
Mr. Sheffield: Oh yes— [Realizes what's going on] GET OUT!

Take Back Your Mink [2.12]

Yetta: So when are you due?
Marsha: Grandma, I'm not pregnant!
Yetta: So stop eating!

Fran: Niles, did my mother call?
Niles: Well, I'm not sure. There was one call. A sob, a sigh and a long plaintive "oooooooyyyy."
Fran: Either that's her or AT&T is really depressed that we switched to Sprint. I can't believe she would stoop to prank guilt calls.
Niles: How low can she go?
Fran: You're talking about a woman who can grow a tumor on command.

The Strike [2.13]

Fran: [Seeing C.C. on the floor] Cheers! Must be 5 o'clock somewhere.
C.C.: I haven't been drinking, Nanny Fine. I just slid off the couch.
Fran: And Ted Kennedy's nose is just sun-damaged.

Fran: Just for the future, Mr. Sheffield, when the kids say: "Fran said no", that's the big robot going: "Danger, Will Robinson!"
Mr. Sheffield: You know, I could have stayed in England.
Fran: I'll make it simple for you. Children are like a brassiere.
Mr. Sheffield: [With a pained look on his face] One part of me says, "Get out the window, quick!" But the other part just has to know why.
Fran Fine: Because they divide and separate.
Mr. Sheffield: Ah!
Fran Fine: Your mother never told you that?
Mr. Sheffield: No, but we always thought Mummy should have talked more about her underwear.

I've Got A Secret [2.14]

Fran: What did I tell you about snooping?
Grace: That there should always be a lookout.
Fran: Good! Go wait in the hall.

Niles: [Beating them back with his umbrella] Back! BACK, you journalistic spawn of Satan! [They clear a path] Thank you very much and have a nice day. [To Mr. Sheffield] One must be firm but never rude.

Kindervelt Days [2.15]

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, get that hideous thing off the terrace, would you?
Niles: [To C.C.] Mr. Sheffield wants you to get off the terrace.

Erik: Don't you have a big reunion tomorrow night?
Fran: [Swooning] Yeah...
Erik: Well, I'm the hombre who's taking you.
Fran: Oh, my God! This is amazing! This is like a dream! How could this be?
Grace: We told him how desperate you were.
Fran: [Still ecstatic] Oh, THANK YOU!!

Canasta Masta [2.16]

Mr. Sheffield: So, Ms. Fine, back from the batting cages. How did my boy do?
Fran: Well... He made contact with the ball. And, er, he'll have a great career if the Bee Gees ever get back together.

Fran: I can't wait to hit the buffet tables in Atlantic City. He's got a safari jacket with 40 pockets in it. We won't have to order room service.

The Will [2.17]

Fran: Honey, to you, [Brighton's] an obnoxious brother. But to other little girls, he's 79 pounds of pure stud muffin.
Grace: Ew!

C.C.: Niles, pour me some more tea.
[She places her empty mug on the counter. Niles ignores her and continues chopping vegetables]
C.C.: I want some more tea, Niles. [Niles continues to ignore her.] You are a butler, now, buttle!
[Maxwell enters the kitchen. C.C. doesn't notice, but Niles does.]
Niles: Would you like some tea, Miss Babcock?
C.C.: You know damn well I want some more tea, you imbecile, now pour!
Maxwell: C.C.!
C.C.: Maxwell!
Maxwell: Don't speak to Niles like that; poor man isn't a mind-reader!
C.C.: But... But, Maxwell—!
Niles: [pitifully] Oh, it's alright, sir. Perhaps my hearing isn't what it once was. Forgive me.

The Nanny Behind The Man [2.18]

Fran: Mr. Sheffield, the only thing that Andrew Lloyd Webber has that you don't is a middle name.
Mr. Sheffield: I've got a middle name.
Fran: Well, there you are! What is it?
Mr. Sheffield: Beverly.
Fran: Moving on.

Yetta: Dak and I are a match made in heaven. I like dog meat, he likes rye. I can hear the movie, he can see it. I've got a right lung, he's got a left... Thank you for introducing us. Most guys my age are senile. [exits] I'll be in the gift shop.

A Fine Friendship [2.19]

Fran: So, Gracie, are you excited about your play date with Willie?
Grace: I think Willie just wants me for my toys.
Fran: Sweetie, you might as well get used to it. You'll be guarding your toys for the rest of your life.

Niles: Oh dear. That was the last apple.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, I'm sorry, old man. Did you want it?
Niles: Well, yes, sir, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it and now it's too late. It was right there in front of me. If only I snatched it up when I had the chance, I wouldn't have this aching hunger.
Mr. Sheffield: Good God, man, have a bloody pear!
. . .
Niles: Oh dear. That was the last pear.
Fran: Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want it?
Niles: Well, yes, but I didn't realize I wanted it until someone else had sunk his teeth into it.
Fran: You snooze, you lose.

Lamb Chop's On The Menu [2.20]

[Lamb Chop freaks out when C.C. walks in wearing a wool coat]
C.C.: What did I do?!!
Fran: Ms. Babcock, your coat. New Zealand Lamb?
C.C.: So?
Fran: Maybe she had people there?!
Maxwell: Take it off.
Niles: Three words she doesn't hear often.
C.C.: Niles, isn't that sweet? You're bonding with the sheep. Not the first one, I'm sure.
Niles: Bravo. You win. Every dog has her day.

Fran: Well, I said it. I knew you'd find some way to blame it all on me.
Niles: [Eavesdropping, from outside] Yes, she did, sir.
Fran: But I've got a plan.
Niles: Yes, she does, sir.
Fran: And as you know, my plans never fail.
[She waits for a response, and then elbows the door.]
Niles: [Bursts into laughter]

Close Shave [2.21]

Fran: Well, Maggie's gonna be a candy striper at Belmont Hospital. I got her a gig through this doctor I once broke up with.
Niles: You broke up with a doctor?
Fran: A very successful anesthesiologist. But when I went out with him, I didn't feel anything.
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, do you really think Margaret's responsible enough to be working in a hospital?
Fran: Oh, what's the worst that'll happen? She'll forget to bring someone their Jello snack?
Mr. Sheffield: [Pointing to a fish tank in the corner of the room] See that aquarium?
Fran: What aquarium? There're no fish in there.
Maxwell: Ah. Margaret forgot to bring them their Jello snacks.
Fran: Well, this is different. This job is gonna help build her character. She's gonna wake up every morning with a purpose to help people. To marry a doctor, to move to Great Neck, to drive a Caddy SDS with a North Star engine and make her Cousin Marsha so jealous... Oh. Sorry. I'm back.

Maggie: Oh, c'mon, Fran! It's our eight week anniversary.
Fran: Eight? Already? What is that, lint?

What The Butler Sang [2.22]

Fran: My sister has always wanted everything that I've had. My clothes, my toys. Once, I actually got a shag haircut just because I knew she'd look lousy in it. Took me twelve weeks to grow out but she looked like Cousin Ed.

Mr. Sheffield: You're off your bloody rocker, you know that? Thank God you're not operating heavy machinery, just raising my children.

A Kiss Is Just A Kiss [2.23]

Maggie: [Pamela Chapman]'s so gorgeous, even her mother hates her.
Fran: Sweetie, you've gotta have more self-confidence. All of those over-developed girls just peak in high school.
Val: Yeah, remember that girl from our school who was so beautiful and so popular that everyone thought she would own the world. Then her fiancee dumped her, she got fired from her job and she wound up working as a na— [stops]

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I heard about the contest and I just can't bear the thought of you feeling badly about yourself.
Fran: Thank you, Mr. Sheffield. That's awfully sweet of you but, really, there's nothing you can say or do that's gonna make me feel any better.
Mr. Sheffield: Well then, I suppose I'd be wasting my breath if I told you no girl could possibly be a match for a woman like you.
Fran: I'd give it a shot.
. . .
Mr. Sheffield: I think you are one heck of a kisser... I can't remember being kissed like that... With such passion, such abandon, such... suction.
Fran: Well, Danny used to call me his little Dirt Devil.

Strange Bedfellows [2.24]

Fran: Niles, look at the cake for my friend Mona's retirement party?
Niles: It's beautiful.
Fran: It's plaster of Paris.
Niles: Why would anyone buy a fake cake?
Fran: Because I'm gonna take it out of the box, they're all gonna ooh and aah and then say: "No thanks, I'm on a diet". This way, I can use it again plus I can carry it on the bus [under my arm].
. . .
Niles: You do know there's a piece broken off the side?
Fran: I know. I had it at my mother's not ten minutes. She said it's dry but if you dunk it in Sanka, it's delish.

Mr. Sheffield: I want to take care of you for the rest of your life.... It would give me great pleasure if you would...
Fran: [Excited] Yeah? Yeah?!!
Mr. Sheffield: ...let me buy you a condominium.
Fran: Huh?
Mr. Sheffield: For your retirement.
Fran: A condo?! That's what you want to give me for my future?!! I have never been so— Would it include carpet and plantation shutters?
Mr. Sheffield: Yes, of course.
Fran: Pets okay? 'Cause I probably want a cat.
Mr. Sheffield: Whatever you want. So... happy?
Fran: [Strangely satisfied] Yeah.
Niles: [Overhearing, shaking his head] Oy! This is gonna take forever.

The Chatterbox [2.25]

Fran: Maggie's going to her Sweet Sixteen at the Statue of Liberty.
Yetta: Big deal. I had mine on Ellis Island. So many people came.
Fran: Yetta, you were in quarantine
Yetta: I thought it went on a little long.

Anthony: You know, when you alphabetized my styling mousses, I said: "All right, she's eager." When you convinced Mrs. Wilke to cut her hair short so she wouldn't have to come back for six months, I said: "All right, she's stupid." But when you interfere in my personal life against direct orders, I say: "All right, she's fired!"
Mary: You know, when a guy punches out a picture of his wife, I say: "All right, he's in pain." When he throws that picture into the trash, I say: "All right, he's in denial." But when he fires the one person who is just trying to bring him and his son closer together, I say: "Please don't fire me, Mr. Anthony!"

Fran Gets Mugged [2.26]

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, please, get thee somewhere else.
Fran: Mr. Sheffield, look on the bright side. Instead of your paper, it could be me that's missing.
Mr. Sheffield: Don't try to cheer me up.
Fran: You know, I've got half a mind—
Mr. Sheffield: You got no argument here.

Fran: What kind of justice is this? He mugs me and he walks? Meanwhile, I ate a couple of pink cherries in the A&P and I get wrestled to the ground like Squeaky Fromme.

Season 3

Pen Pals [3.1]

Fran: You wouldn't believe I'm the fastest woman on Earth?
Mr. Sheffield: In that outfit, I would.

Mr. Sheffield: Where is Ms. Fine anyway?
Niles: She's upstairs getting all farpitzed.
Mr. Sheffield: What does that mean?
Niles: You know, dressed.
Mr. Sheffield: I thought that was farblondzshet.
Niles: No, sir, that means confused.
Mr. Sheffield: No, man, that's farkakteh.
Niles: Well then, what's farshimlt?
Mr. Sheffield: I think that's her uncle.

Fran And The Professor [3.2]

Mr. Sheffield: It's President Clinton's Renaissance Weekend. I was hoping I'd be invited.
Fran: Oh, a Renaissance Weekend. Boy, Clinton goes to those things? 'Cause I'm thinking tights and a pointy hat is not his best look.

Mr. Sheffield: Where is this brother of yours, C.C.?
Fran: Brother? There's a brother coming? Is he short, ugly and married?
C.C.: No, why?
Fran: Then I gotta change.

Dope Diamond [3.3]

Fran: Ma, Jules is gonna be here in two minutes. Would you stop futzing with my skirt? Can you believe her? Stop it!
Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, she's your mother. She's just pulling it down.
Fran: She's my mother. She's hiking it up.

Therapist: So, ladies, what brings you to therapy?
Fran: I came because my mother has an obsession with me getting married.
Sylvia: I came because my daughter has a delusion that I have an obsession.
Yetta: I came because they brought me and I don't know how to get home from here.

A Fine Family Feud [3.4]

Fran: I felt just like my mother when I told her I lost my virgin... [Sees Grace] Airline tickets.
Grace: Did they give you another one?
Fran: No, honey. When you lose that ticket, it's non-refundable.
Niles: Unless you get engaged to Prince Charles, then it miraculously reappears.

[When Frieda and Sylvia see each other with Fran]
Frieda & Sylvia: [Spoken simultaneously] What is she doing here?! She invited me! You're not welcome here! Fine! I'm leaving!

Val's Apartment [3.5]

[After screaming out Niles' name from the hall at 5 o'clock in the morning]
Fran: Oh, good, you heard me.
Niles: Van Gogh heard you. He's dead AND missing an ear.... [Looks at her face] You sleep in your makeup?
Fran: Honey, do you see a ring on this finger?

Fran: Maybe I should have told Val I'd move into that apartment with her.
Mr. Sheffield: Come on, Ms. Fine. You live upstairs and you're late for work.

Shopaholic [3.6]

Fran: What's the first thing I do when I'm upset?
Brighton: Eat a box of Mallomars.
Maggie: Rent The Way We Were.
Grace: Blame your mother.

Fran: The years are passing me by! 27, 28, 29, 29, 29...

Oy Vey, You're Gay [3.7]

Fran: Er...I'm letting go and you're not. Why?
Sydney: Aren't you gay too?
Fran: Me? No!
Sydney: I just assumed. You're over 30, never been married, there isn't a man in your life...
Fran: Oh, honey, I'm not gay. I'm just pathetic.

Fran: Oh my God!
Mr. Sheffield: What? Another rat?
Fran: Worse. There's an echo in here. I just heard my own voice.

The Party's Over [3.8]

Val: Fran, you think we're being too particular? Maybe we should lower our standards.
Fran: Val, we're already down to "mammal."

Niles: Uh-oh. Someone's got a hell of a mess to clean up... Damn, it's me.

The Two Mrs. Sheffields [3.9]

Fran: My God, Val, Mr. Sheffield proposed to me just to get even with his mother!
Val: Wow! ...Good thing she showed up, huh?
Fran: I can't marry someone under false pretenses!
Val: You can't? Gee, you think you know a person.

Fran: You can return this. It was what I was going to wear on our honeymoon night.
Mr. Sheffield: Nothing in here but lip gloss.
Fran: [Smiling] Suffer.

Having His Baby [3.10]

Fran: Niles, you ever think of having a kid of your own? Someone you can take care of, put to bed at night, rub Vicks on his little chest when he's sick?
Niles: I already have one. [Enter Mr. Sheffield] Isn't he adorable?

Fran: If you want to have a baby with me, Maxwell Sheffield, you're going to have to do it the old-fashioned way.
Mr. Sheffield: Marry you?
Fran: That too.

The Unkindest Gift [3.11]

Sylvia: Fran, you're probably wondering why I'm acting so strange.
Fran: Ma, you've been here for two seconds. You yelled, you ate. The only thing strange is that you haven't showed me a wedding announcement from a girl I went to high school with.
Sylvia: It's in my purse.

Sylvia: You know I don't like to be filmed when I'm eating.
Fran: Which is why there's more footage of Bigfoot than of her.

The Kibbutz [3.12]

Fran: Oh, Niles, it's so hard planning a vacation when you're single.
Niles: Yes, it's so much nicer when you have a family so you can lug their ski equipment around Vale, sit around the fire listening to "Niles, get me a brandy!" "Niles, give me a comforter!" "Niles, go out in that blizzard for a PIZZA!"
Mr. Sheffield: Niles!
Niles: WHAT... is that on your shoe, sir? Let me get that for you.

Mr. Sheffield: Every time I ask you to do something, you always manage to screw it all up.
Fran: And yet you continue to ask me. You need help, mister.
. . .
Mr. Sheffield: Why do I ever listen to you?
Fran: Well, my voice is kinda hard to tune out.

An Offer She Can't Refuse [3.13]

Fran: Hi, you must be Mr. Tattori.
Tony: Please. My friends call me Tony. [Kisses her hand]
Fran: What does your wife call ya? [Pulls it back]
Tony: I'm divorced.
Fran: [Extends it again] I'm Fran.

Fran: So... tell me about yourself. What do you like to do besides dress like a million bucks and drive around in a limo? Which is all I ever really aspire to.
Tony: It is not important what I do. It is important who I am.
Fran: Who are you?
Tony: It is not important who I am. It is important who I am with.

Oy To The World (animated Christmas special) [3.14]

[Fran and Brighton watch a live-action clip of Fran Drescher on TV]
Fran: [chuckles] I love her. You know, I've seen her in person. She looks much younger.
[Grace walks to the window]
Grace: Fran, the storm is getting worse. How is Santa going to deliver all the presents?
Fran: Gracie, the man is bigger than Dom DeLuise and can fit through a chimney. Believe me, he can get through a blizzard.

[About C.C. the Abominable Babcock]
Niles: She's only happy when she's making everyone around her miserable.
Fran: Sounds like my mother.
Niles: Be careful. She's 2000 pounds with arms like a wrestler.
Fran: Oy, she is my mother.

The Fashion Show [3.15]

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, get this piece of trash out of here!
Niles: [To C.C.] You heard the man. Move it!

Mr. Sheffield: Have I let my judgment be impaired by my feelings for Ms. Fine?
Niles: What feelings are those, sir?
Mr. Sheffield: Well, you know—
Niles: No, I don't, sir.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, c'mon, Niles—
Niles: But you'd feel so much better if you just said it.
Mr. Sheffield: Perhaps you're right! Maybe I should just admit that—
Fran: [Enters] Knock-knock!
Niles: Oh, WAIT!!

Where's Fran? [3.16]

Mr. Sheffield: Oh, look at the time. Where did the day go?
Niles: Time flies when you're being unreasonable... sir.

[Yetta enters with a policeman]
Mr. Sheffield: Yetta, what happened?
Policeman: [Motioning the crazy sign] We found her wandering around on Queen's Boulevard. She says she lives here.
Yetta: [Aside to Maxwell] Play along. It's cheaper than a cab.
Mr. Sheffield: Officer, thank goodness you're here. Look, our nanny is missing. She stormed out of the house this morning and we haven't seen her since.
Yetta: She got upset when he called her a gorgeous, sexy vixen he couldn't live without.
Mr. Sheffield: I never said that!
Yetta: Don't you wish you had?

The Grandmas [3.17]

[Niles is writing a sign]
Mr. Sheffield: Can you imagine Ms. Fine thinking I'm predictable! Me! Mr.—
Niles: [In unison] —Spontaneity.
Mr. Sheffield: Niles, you don't think I'm predictable, do you? [Niles shows his sign: "Of course not, sir"] Well, predictable is good, predictable is solid... Oh, God, even I knew I was going to say that.
Niles: If I were you, sir, I'd do something before she wakes up in the bedroom of another man... sion.
Mr. Sheffield: Niles, I want her to be happy here. How do you suppose I go about satisfying Ms. Fine?
Niles: [Awkward silence] Well, the second way, sir—
Mr. Sheffield: Niles!
Niles: Just shake it up, sir! Do something wild, out there, totally unexpected, I don't know. Give me a bonus!

Fran: Ma, I can't believe Gracie doesn't want to be seen with me.
Sylvia: Honey, it's a normal thing for a kid to go through. Remember when you suddenly didn't want me to pick you up from school?
Fran: Yeah, but I don't wear a girdle on the outside of my pants.

Val's Boyfriend [3.18]

Niles: I'm sorry, sir. I just— I just got so excited. I mean, she said and then— then you said and— and when she said "I quit!" well, I—I just wanted to roll over, light up, and watch Letterman.

Mr. Sheffield: I just can't be genuinely insincere the way Ms. Babcock is. I tried calling everyone sweetie darling like she does. Now Harvey Fierstein's making pesto for me on Thursday.

Love Is A Many Blundered Thing [3.19]

Niles: No one can eat a full five-course meal in under 10 minutes.
Fran: [Laughs] You obviously have never broken the Yom Kippur fast at my mother's house.

[Teaching Brighton a lesson]
Fran: Guess who's picking you up from school tomorrow? My mother!
Brighton: So?
Fran: Straight from jazzercise in her thong leotards. And you know, she don't wait outside neither. She'd wanna come in and meet all your little friends.
Brighton: [Higher-pitched] So?
Fran: Maybe she'll even do her flash dance. You know, she's a maniac.
Brighton: [Repentant] No! I'm sorry! I'll be a good boy!
Fran: It is too late, mister. You'd better be watching your back and sleeping with one eye opened! And brush your teeth after every meal! [Gets a look] What? I'm still his nanny.

Your Feet's Too Big [3.20]

Mr. Sheffield: People want to do business with me because I'm, well, cute. Big bushy hair, English accent. I'm a one-man mop-top British invasion.

Niles: I think Ms. Fine made it up that your hair is thinning because you weren't sympathetic to her problem.
Mr. Sheffield: That's because she doesn't have a bloody problem! Look, Niles, she's a young beautiful woman. What do I have to do to convince her she's desirable?!
Niles: Oh, sir, I'm sure you'll think of something. [Sprays cologne on him] After all, you're a man, she's a woman, fill in the blanks. The children are at the school, she's lying on the sofa and if all else fails, what would Pierce Brosnan do?

Where's The Pearls? [3.21]

Elizabeth Taylor: So are you Maxwell's wife?
Fran: No, I just work for him. Actually, I've never been married.
Elizabeth Taylor: Not even once?
Fran: Well, you know, there was this one time but then I thought about it—
Elizabeth Taylor: [Laughs] That was your mistake, dear.

Fran: I was just talking to my girlfriend, Elizabeth Taylor.
Cozette: Elizabeth Taylor Hilton Wilding Todd Fisher—
Fran: [Joins in] —Burton Burton Warner Fortensky? [They laugh] No wonder her hips keep breaking down.

The Hockey Show [3.22]

Fran: I don't care if I ever get married. Meanwhile, my mother has a sudden urge to jump out the window and she doesn't know why.

Mr. Sheffield: Margaret, if you were Ms. Fine, what car would you like to drive?
Maggie: Uh... my husband's.

That's Midlife [3.23]

Mr. Sheffield: C.C., life is short. You should go back to doing what you were did when you were young.
Niles: Sir, there's so little call nowadays for Civil War nurses.

Fran: Mr. Sheffield is going through a mid-life crisis and I don't know how to pull him out of it.
Sylvia: Marry him.
Fran: How's that gonna help him?
Sylvia: Who cares? Better we should be happy.

The Cantor Show [3.24]

Green Card [3.25]

Fran: Ooh, croy-sants!
Niles: [correcting her] Croissants. I never thought I'd say this to you but more nasal.

Sylvia: Someone wanted to marry you without even meeting your mother?
Fran: Gee, you know, I never made that connection before...

Ship Of Fran's [3.26]

Captain: Welcome aboard the Century, ladies. I'm your captain.
Fran: [With Yetta hanging onto her] How do you do? I'm Fran Fine and this is my birth control device.
Yetta: You look so different without your blue uniform and your big handlebar mustache.
Fran: Yetta, that's Cap'n Crunch.
Yetta: I know who it is. That picture on the box must have been taken years ago.

Mr. Sheffield: You can't trust him. He won't make you happy.
Fran: I don't want to be happy. I want to be married.

A Pup In Paris [3.27]

Mr. Sheffield: I told mother no one should get a hold of their trust fund until they're at least 30 years old.
Brighton: 30?! I'm not gonna have a date 'til I'm 30!
Fran: Honey, at least when you turn 30, you'll be rich. When I turn 30, I'll be... 40.

Maggie: How much do you know about the Titanic?
Yetta: Top of the line! They had a midnight buffet on deck. And the ice sculpture—HUGE!

Season 4

The Tart With Heart [4.1]

C.C.: Nanny Fine, don't be hurt just because I'm closer to little Gretel than you are.
Fran: Gretel never said that!
C.C.: Aren't we defensive? There's nothing wrong with being just a pretty face. In fact, it's a plus if you have no skills.
Fran: I've got skills!
C.C.: Nanny Fine, identifying what's in the Godivas without a guide is not a skill. C'mon! You must know the only reason you got this job is because of your looks.
Fran: Hey! Hey! That is not true! I got this job because I lied on my resume.

Fran: What is it with guys? Why do they always think just because you're at a singles bar with a cute top, a tight skirt and stiletto heels, you're looking for action?
Jack: Why do women think that guys expect them to jump into bed every time they try to buy them a drink? Now, potato skins, I get you both.
Fran: I don't think so.
Val: Speak for yourself. I haven't had a potato skin in three years.

The Cradle Robbers [4.2]

Fran: I was 17 once too. I snuck out all the time. Of course, I didn't have a boyfriend. I just wanted to eat bacon.

Mr. Sheffield: Who told you to call the doctor?
Niles: Ms. Fine.
Mr. Sheffield: Well, excuse me but when did she become master of the house?
Niles: Three years ago September.

The Bird's Nest [4.3]

[At Loehmann's sale]
Shopper: Excuse me please. I had this sweater first.
Fran: I believe you're mistaken.
Shopper: I've got the cuff.
Fran: I've got the armpit.
Shopper: [Grabs Grace] I've got your kid.
Fran: Hah! She's not mine.
Shopper: Listen, I'm warning you. My nicotine patch fell off, my mother's in town and my boyfriend just left me for my brother.
Fran: [Points to Grace] I'm over 30, single, and I work for her!

Fran: Niles, I was thinking Mr. Sheffield was right. If I help Brighton with his project, it's only going to hurt him.
Niles: You've already gotten involved and screwed up?
Fran: Yeah.

The Rosie Show [4.4]

Niles: Ms. Fine and Ms. Babcock walking arm-in arm. Isn't that one of the Biblical signs of the Apocalypse?

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, what are you doing here?
Fran: I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured I should be a part of it.

Frieda Needa Man [4.5]

Fran: I hope he knows he doesn't have forever because she's not gonna wait around like some schlub since she can't even spit in this town without hitting some eligible classy guy.
Mr. Sheffield: Good bloody luck to her catching one because men seldom date women who say the word "schlub" and rarely marry those who spit.

Frieda: I'm gonna go upstairs and try on my old wedding gown. C'mon, kids, come help zip me up.
Brighton: I'll get the pliers.

Me And Mrs. Joan [4.6]

Fran: Why don't you give your father a chance to make up for last time? I'm sure you'll find you've got a lot in common.
Mr. Sheffield: No. Unlike my father, I'm not about to abandon my responsibilities for sexual gratification with some cheap floozy who works for me.
Fran: WHY?!!

Joan: Isn't this delightful? Where did you get the exquisite shrimp?
Yetta: I came with her.
Joan: No, dear. I meant the crustacean.
Yetta: Oh... She's my daughter.

The Taxman Cometh [4.7]

C.C.: Chester loves the kennel. When I come to take him home, he just hangs on to the little bars for dear life.

Mr. Sheffield: It's bad enough having your dog here. [Fran enters] Always begging to go out, jumping into my lap, rubbing up against me all the time...
Fran: SHHHHH! Does everybody need to know our business?

An Affair To Dismember [4.8]

Mr. Sheffield: [Condescendingly to a depressed Niles] Oh dear, Niles, what is it this time? Your job? Your weight? No future?
Niles: Actually, I was just wondering why I don't have a social life but you cleared that right up for me. Thank you, sir.

Niles: Good things come to those who wait, sir. Unless they wait too long and then they slip through their namby-pamby fingers.

Tattoo [4.9]

Niles: Would you like some more, Sylvia?
Sylvia: What, did we just meet?

Fran: [Holds up a skimpy bikini] Oh, Val, I just love this new bathing suit I got. Do you think Mr. Sheffield will be able to see my tattoo in this?
Val: Fran, he'll be able to see your liver in that.

The Car Show [4.10]

Fran: [Greeting Ms. America] Tara, hi! Fran Fine, Miss Subways, 198-er... 90.
Tara: It's always nice to meet another pageant winner. What was your platform?
Fran: 59th and Lex. You know, we two have so much in common. We're both title holders and you can't married for the duration of your reign and I can't get married for the love of God.

Fran: It is just so adorable how you can't really express the way you feel. Like all the times you yell and scream at me when in reality, you want to hug me.
Mr. Sheffield: Well...
Fran: And all those times when you fired me when in reality, you want to kiss me.
Mr. Sheffield: [Shyly] All right.
Fran: When you told me you love me and you took it back when in reality...
Mr. Sheffield: No, actually, that I meant.
Fran: I hate you.
Mr. Sheffield: No, you don't. You really want to hug me.

Hurricane Fran [4.11]

Maggie: Guys come up with the lamest excuses.
Fran: [Sarcastically] Oh, yeah. Like when you told me you had that whisker burn all over your face from kissing my mother? Hello?
Maggie: Fran, that really happened.

Sylvia: [In tears] It's times like this you look up to God and ask: "Why? Why?!"
Mr. Sheffield: We can't ask why, Sylvia. It's nature. It's random. It's...
Sylvia: No! Why don't you marry my daughter?

Danny's Dead And Who's Got The Will? [4.12]

Fran: Ma, I met this man at Danny's funeral.
Sylvia: Fabulous! He's Jewish?
Fran: Yeah, and a doctor.
Sylvia: Oh!
Fran: And he's gay.
Sylvia: So you seeing him again?

Fran: Don't you know that if you were, God forbid, in a coma, technically, I'm not considered family? I wouldn't be allowed to pull the plug. I should have at least have THAT much satisfaction.

Kissing Cousins [4.13]

Fran: So do you want children someday?
Bobby: Yes.
Fran: Is your mother alive?
Bobby: No.
Fran: Take me.

Mr. Sheffield: So who is this Bob fellow anyway?
Fran: Oh, you're going to love him!
Mr. Sheffield: Well, the important thing is that you love him, Miss Fine. [nervously] Do you love him, Miss Fine?
Fran: Don't be silly, it took me three years to fall in love with you— [catches herself] ...Hoo's chocolate drink, moving on.

The Fifth Wheel [4.14]

Fran: Dr. Miller says I should go out of the house without makeup on. That I should even tell people my real age.
Sylvia: What else does this "genius" have to say?
Fran: I don't know. I blacked out after that.

Niles: I can't believe you told your mother you were giving up on men. What did she do?
Fran: She tried to swallow a whole rotisserie chicken in her mouth like a python.
Niles: Maybe you should have told her when she wasn't eating.
Fran: Oy, you try catching lightning in a bottle.

The Nose Knows [4.15]

Dr. Miller: Now, listen to me carefully. He's your boss. You are the nanny.
Fran: Wow...
Dr. Miller: You mean no one's ever pointed it out to you before?
Fran: Oh, constantly. But when you're payed $140 an hour, it's got so much more resonance.

[Not knowing she's talking about Dr. Miller picking his nose]
Mr. Sheffield: What did he do?
Sylvia: Let's just say he put his hand some place he shouldn't have.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh my God! And nobody's going to do anything about it?!
Sylvia: What are you gonna do, call the police? They'd have to arrest every man on the subway.

The Bank Robbery [4.16]

Mr. Sheffield: How are Ms. Fine and her mother?
Val: Well, so far it's quiet.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh my God! He's killed her!

Val: The bank robber took your mother!
Fran: Oh, no! That poor man!

Samson, He Denied Her [4.17]

C.C.: I am the meat in an idiot sandwich.

Fran: If you think that holding me tight is gonna get you out of this one, mister... you're just gonna have to move your hands a little lower.

The Facts Of Lice [4.18]

Fran: [Counselling Niles] All this anger and bitterness is just a mask for low self-esteem. Where does all this come from?
Brighton: Hey, Niles, could you wash my underwear?

Mr. Sheffield: Darling, I've known the butler 30 years. We've had many gay times together, shared a fag or two between us and I can tell you, if there was anything queer about him, I'd know it.
Fran: So in other words, you had some fun, you smoked a few cigarettes and there's nothing strange about him.
Mr. Sheffield: Of course.
Fran: Just making sure.

Fran's Roots [4.19]

Fran: A woman just called and told me that ma may not be my real mother.
Mr. Sheffield: So are we happy or sad?
Fran: We're thinking.

Sylvia: I am your mother and nothing that this woman will ever say will ever convince me that I am not!
Lila: Would you two like a little privacy? We have a guest house.
Sylvia: You hear that? Your mother has a guest house.

The Nanny And The Hunk Producer [4.20]

Mr. Sheffield: Ladies, tell me: What could be better than my new play being nominated for a Tony Award?
Sylvia: Your face on my grandchild.

Dr. Miller: It's really a typical adolescent reaction. Someone else is in the limelight and they lash out to get attention.
Mr. Sheffield: So what would you suggest?
Dr. Miller: Have you tried one of those trophies that says: "Butler Of The Year"?

The Passed-Over Story [4.21]

Mr. Sheffield: If Barbra Streisand and your mother were both drowning, who would you save?
Fran: I'd save my mother. Barbra can walk on water.

Mr. Sheffield: Does everyone eat like this on the Jewish holidays, Ms. Fine?
Fran: Why do you think we wandered the desert for 40 years? We were walking off the meal.

No Muse Is Good Muse [4.22]

Tasha: You are exactly what I've been looking for. You are the voice of the people.
Fran: And not just the people. Dogs hear me too.

Niles: [To C.C.] Look at your shiny new coat. Have you been adding cod liver oil to your diet?

You Bette Your Life [4.23]

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, before Tom and his son get here, we have a little saying in the theatre: "Mess with the investor, move back in with your mother."
Fran: I have a saying: "Mess with the nanny... please."

Niles: I just spent four hours putting together a gazebo for Ms. Babcock's terrace.
Maggie: Ms. Babcock doesn't have a terrace.
Niles: Now we both know.

The Heather Biblow Story [4.24]

Niles: I think Mr. Sheffield would really like you to come with him when he takes the children to Hawaii.
Fran: It's always the same thing: Dancing in the moonlight, walking on the beaches then falling into bed wrapped in each other's arms.
Niles: Since when?
Fran: Since Gracie doesn't like to sleep alone.

Niles: Ms. Fine, you're telling me that you've taken a job on a soap and you're not coming home?... Well, of course, I'm shocked! They gave you a speaking part?!

The Boca Story [4.25]

Niles: You don't know what it is to be the only one of your friends who's not married.
Fran: Hello?!
Niles: And over 40.
Fran: Not a clue.

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I'm not sure how much longer I can control my feelings for you.
Fran: Er... Wait three to four seconds and let 'er rip.

Fran's Gotta Have It [4.26]

Niles: I've been killing myself all week trying to drop a pound. How does Mr. Sheffield keep in shape?
Fran: Running from commitment.

C.C.: What's [Mr. Sheffield] doing in London?
Niles: One would hope Ms. Fine.

Season 5

The Morning After [5.1]

Mr. Sheffield: Ms. Fine, I have to talk to you about our relationship and the way it seems to have escalated.
Fran: Wait a minute, you said "our", "relationship" and "escalated" in the same sentence. Should I book a hall?

Mr. Sheffield: Ooh. Ms. VERY Fine.

First Date [5.2]

C.C.: I just don't understand why Maxwell would ask Nanny Fine on a date! I should be going to Elton John's dinner, not her. I am the one with sophistication! I am the one with savvy! Why would he pick her over me?
C.C.: [In tears] Why?!!... What am I doing wrong?
Niles: Well, for one thing, you've known him for 25 years or half your life and you don't even know the names of his children.

Sylvia: Ma, how could you wear pants to a formal affair?
Yetta: This isn't a gown?! And here I am thinking I look so sexy with this high slit.

The Bobbie Flekman Story [5.3]

Brighton: Is it true back then people used to listen to their music on some sort of primitive large black vinyl disc?
Fran: Only when we weren't enjoying our favorite pastime, child hurling.

C.C.: Some gorgeous woman is shamelessly throwing herself at Maxwell.
Fran: I know but I blew it on our first date.
C.C.: Not YOU! Bobbie Flekman! Now go and put on a short skirt and get in there and flirt!
Fran: It's too late! The man hates me!
C.C.: So you blew it! Are you going to let one lousy date discourage you, you wuss?! I didn't even let his wife stand in my way. You think I'm pathetic now? You should have seen me as her maid of honor!
Fran: Forget it! He's never going to ask me out again.
C.C.: It's only because he's torn between you and the woman he loves.
Fran: Who?
C.C.: ME!

Fransom [5.4]

Fran: Ms. Babcock, I have something to tell you that is going to be very hard for you to take.
Mr. Sheffield: C.C.!! C.C.!! Ms. Fine lost Chester in Central Park.
C.C.: Phew! You scared the hell out of me.

Brian: [On the phone, as an ice-cream truck drives by] Arianna, shut that damn window! I'm trying to demand a ransom here! Please! I can't take that horrible sound!
Fran: [Overhearing] I'm sorry, sir, but this happens to be my natural voice!

The Ex-Niles [5.5]

Sylvia: I can't believe [Niles] quit. It's so sad. I can still smell his chicken cacciatore. It's like when you lose a limb and swear it's still there.

Niles: I've come back! Hide me please!
Fran: What happened?
Niles: I can handle the jacuzzis and giving the oil massages. I can even suck on a big toe the size of a Louisville Slugger but I do NOT... do windows.
Frieda: NILESY!!
Niles: Oh, God, Sasquatch!

A Decent Proposal [5.6]

Bellhop: [To Mr. Sheffield] Can I have your last name, sir?
Fran: Good luck. I've been waiting five years for it.

Chevy: You have a beautiful face. Ever thought about acting?
Fran: Are you deaf?

Mommy And Mai [5.7]

Niles: All I wanted was a simple thank you. I suppose in order to get some attention around here, I have to hop up on your desk in my short skirt.
Mr. Sheffield: Did you say "my"?
Niles: I was putting myself in Ms. Fine's shoes.
Mr. Sheffield: Well, you can't wear those wingtips with your skirt. Make you look stumpy.
Niles: He who belts "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair" in the shower should not throw stones. I assure you I am the most masculine one in this room... [Enter C.C.] ...until now.

Fran: I was the most popular girl in school. It said so on all the bathroom walls.

Fair Weather Fran [5.8]

Maggie: How lucky is your grandmother getting married at her age. Do you know the odds of a woman over 35 finding a husband?
Sylvia: 1 in 1245.6
Fran: Uh-huh. How much do you weigh, Ma?
Sylvia: Who can remember numbers?

Fran: Dr. Miller, I had the weirdest dream last night. Grandma Yetta was running down a football field carrying a bridal bouquet and Count Basie was waiting for her at the end zone when Miss Piggy comes walking by carrying a very lean corn beef sandwich and says: "You are not getting any younger."
Dr. Miller: Clearly the dream indicates that you are bitter and upset over the fact that your 85-year-old grandmother is getting married for the second time when you haven't been married once.
Fran: Really?! Now you see I just thought I had a thing for jazz and the Muppets. Duh!... I'm gonna stop obsessing on wanting to be married and follow my dream. From here on end, I'm gonna be a more interesting mature independent woman. Maybe then he'll propose.

Educating Fran [5.9]

Mr. Sheffield: It's driving me crazy, her being out with some other man. I can share these feelings with you because I'm not in love with you.
Niles: [Coyly] Nobody looks good at two in the morning.

C.C.: Hello Steve, C.C. Babcock. I understand you're a professor. And you're going out with Nanny Fine. What's the matter, research wouldn't give you a chimp?

From Flushing With Love [5.10]

[Negotiating days off at work with Mr. Sheffield]
Niles: I'll bring you back Cuban cigars.
Fran: I'll send my mother to Cuba.
Niles: I'll make you Baked Alaska.
Fran: I'll send my mother to Alaska.
Mr. Sheffield: In all fairness, Niles did ask me first.
Fran: He's wearing your suit!
Niles: She's wearing Ms. Gracie's skirt.
Fran: And that's how I just won.

Niles: I don't know what I was doing in that unholy alliance with Babcock.
Fran: I know. It's like Yogi dumping Boo Boo for the Ranger.

Rash To Judgment [5.11]

Sylvia: Since I started my diet, I went down an entire cup size.
Fran: What cup size did you go down to, Ma? Stanley?

C.C.: Maxwell, there's a horrifying glimpse of the future. A 250-pound apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

One False Mole And You're Dead [5.12]

[Anticipating the arrival of a famous actress]
C.C.: When she gets here, I don't want any screw-ups. [Starts sniffing]
Mr. Sheffield: What are you doing?
C.C.: I'm sniffing for Alberto VO 5, Top Ramen, anything that reeks of Nanny Fine.

Fran: Are you implying that I cannot keep this thing a secret?
Mr. Sheffield: C'mon, Ms. Fine, the only secret safe with you is your age. Barry Scheck and a whole barrel of sodium penthatol couldn't drag that out!

Call Me Fran [5.13]

Niles: [To C.C] In the risk of sounding like the doctor who delivered you, this could get ugly.

Mr. Sheffield: [About Fran] Niles, I don't know what the woman wants anymore! What am I supposed to do?
Niles: May I speak freely, sir?
Mr. Sheffield: Yes, of course, old boy.
Niles: [menacingly] I am so bloody sick of this, year after year, "Niles, what am I to do? I told her I loved her, I took it back, I'm afraid of commitment, I'm worried about the children!" [yelling, grabs Mr. Sheffield's shirt and shakes him] For God's sake, make a move! Do something! You passed on Cats, do you want to regret this for the rest of your life too?!

Not Without My Nanny [5.14]

Mr. Sheffield: Ah, good afternoon, Ms. Fine.
Fran: Good afternoon, Mr. Sheffield. You know, the kids are at school, Niles is shopping. We could... do it.
Mr. Sheffield: [Tentatively] All right. Hi... Fran.
Fran: [Playfully] Hi, Max.

Mr. Sheffield: Why can't a woman be more like a man?!
Niles: [Enter C.C.] Well, there's your prototype.

The Engagement [5.15]

Mr. Sheffield: Niles, can you keep a secret?
Niles: Well, I'm good until I meet another person.

Sylvia: [Picking up the telephone] Yes?
Fran: [Excitedly] I'm getting married!
Sylvia: Sorry, Miss. You got the wrong number.

The Dinner Party [5.16]

Niles: How does it feel to wake up an engaged woman?
Fran: You know how they say when you finally attain your dream, it's always a letdown?
Niles: Mm-hmm.
Fran: They were WRONG!

Singing Telegram: [To C.C.]
Fran and Maxwell are engaged
It looks like you're a loser
She'll be happy all her days
And you'll become a boozer.

Homie-Work [5.17]

Fran: You know, sweetie, last night you didn't give me that little something that I'm used to getting from you every week.
Mr. Sheffield: Well, Fran, since we got engaged, I didn't think I had to give it to you anymore.
Fran: Wait a minute. I know what I'm talking about. What are you talking about?
Mr. Sheffield: Your paycheck.
Fran: Thank God. That's what I'm talking about too.

Sylvia: You're his partner in life. You're the woman behind the man. Help him, support him, be there for him, never refuse him. You get me?
Fran: Yeah, I get you. You're talking about dinner, right?
Sylvia: What else is there?... Do you know where your father would be today if I hadn't pushed him?
Fran: Not collecting disability?

The Reunion Show [5.18]

Sylvia: It's not natural. I never heard of such a thing. What man doesn't want to procrastinate with the woman he loves?
Fran: Procreate, ma.
Sylvia: Fran, I am telling you right now. If I don't get grandchildren out of him, I'll never step foot in this house again.
Fran: Well, congratulations, Ma. You just invented the first foolproof male contraceptive.

Mr. Sheffield: Fran wants to have a baby with me.
Niles: What, you've forgotten how to do it?
Mr. Sheffield: This is serious, Niles. I'm not sure I really want to go through that again. All the crying and the diapers and the waking up at 4am.
Niles: Oh, sir, it's not so bad when you consider I DID ALL THAT! You know, come to think of it, you are too old to have a baby.
Mr. Sheffield: I'm not that old.
Niles: You have three children already. Why can't Ms. Fine be happy with that?
Mr. Sheffield: Because they're not... ours. Having a baby is one of those things that bond a couple together.
Niles: Mmm. That's why we're so close.

Immaculate Concepcion [5.19]

Mr. Sheffield: What proof do we have this woman and I are related?
Fran: Let's get to know her a little bit. Hi, honey, are you married?
Concepcion: I was living with a man for 5 years but I couldn't make a commitment.
Fran: There's your DNA test!

Sylvia: What is the one thing I taught you?
Fran: "Death begins in the colon"?

The Pre-Nup [5.20]

Mr. Sheffield: I'm going to ask Fran to sign a pre-nuptial agreement.
Niles: Why don't you just walk around downtown Iraq dressed as Uncle Sam? It'd be quicker.

C.C. Replacement: Good night, Piles.
Niles: Niles.
C.C. Replacement: You say tomato...
Niles: You know something, lady? You're just a pale imitation of the C.C. Babcock I know. You're not half the man she is.

The Best Man [5.21]

Niles: I have not waited around five years for some little shiksa to come in and ruin my wedding.
Fran: Oh, thank you, Niles. You know, you could be Ma if it weren't for the whiskers. Although.

Sylvia: If you leave, I'm gonna throw myself in the Hudson River.
Fran: Ma, flooding New Jersey is not gonna solve anything.

The Wedding [5.22+23]

Mr. Sheffield: I think you'd really like her, Sarah.
Sarah: I do, Max. Why do you think I sent her to you?
Mr. Sheffield: You sent her to me. And you heard her speak?
Sarah: I thought she had a cold.

Police Officer: [On the phone with a stranded Fran] Honey, it's a beautiful story. My heart goes out to you but I got one tow truck and a wedding is not an emergency... You're how old?... I'll send a chopper.

Mr. Sheffield: What do you mean: "The wedding is over"?
Fran: Jocelyn and Lester are getting a divorce.
Mr. Sheffield: What's that to do with us?
Fran: Their marriage didn't work because they're from two different worlds just like us. I mean you're the sophisticated classy Jocelyn, and I'm Lester, the poor schlub who worked for you.
Mr. Sheffield: Oh, come on darling, you never really worked.

Yetta: [While dancing with C.C.] I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm a little turned on.

Niles: Ms. Babcock. [Offers her a drink]
C.C.: Thank you, Niles, but, you know, I'm not supposed to [Gulps it down] do that.
Niles: How many times have you not done that tonight?
C.C.: About eight. Niles, now that Maxwell's taken, my life is over.
Niles: Ms. Babcock, you always underestimate yourself. You have a lot to offer a man. You're witty, you're sophisticated, you're beautiful, you're sexy...
C.C.: How many times have you done that tonight?
Niles: About twelve.

Season 6

The Honeymoon's Overboard [6.01]

Niles: [With a hangover] I had so much to drink at the reception. I had the strangest nightmare that Santa Claus was trying to have his way with me.
[C.C. enters with a hangover dressed in red]
C.C. & Niles: Oh my God.
C.C.: We didn't, did we?
Niles: I'm not sure. Say "Ho ho ho".
C.C.: No one can ever know that this might possibly have happened.
Niles: Well, it ain't going on my resume.

Sylvia: I'm gonna call Morty and tell him to bring my nightgown. I'm sleeping over.
Niles: Is that really necessary?
Sylvia: Well, I could sleep in the nude. But there's the boy.

Fran Gets Shushed [6.02]

Mr. Sheffield: Do you think I'm uptight?
Niles: Nope!
Mr. Sheffield: I won't fire you.
Niles: Yup!

Brighton: Your voice carries.
Fran: All the way to your bedroom?
Brighton: To Michigan.

Once A Secretary, Always A Secretary [6.03]

Fran: You just don't know how to work your father like I do.
Brighton: No, I don't look as good in a halter top as you do.

Maggie: Fran, I'm 20 years old. Doesn't Dad know that... you know... I'm active?
Fran: You doing the bing bing? I love that you feel so comfortable that you want to be totally honest with me so let me be totally honest with you... Get upstairs!! What are you, crazy?! You're never leaving my house again!!

Sarah's Parents [6.04]

Fran: How could they be contesting the adoption? On what grounds?
Mr. Sheffield: They think you're an unfit mother.
Fran: Unfit?! I'm in the best shape of my life. I know what this is all about. They don't like my people.
Mr. Sheffield: No, sweetheart, they're not anti-Semitic. They're best friends with the Rothchilds.
Fran: I meant my mother.

Mr. Sheffield: You have absolutely nothing to confess. I know everything about you.
Fran: Everything? Even my age?
Mr. Sheffield: Actually, that was the one thing even the FBI couldn't verify. The closest they could get was 31.
Fran: 31?.... [Happily] Well, I guess the truth is out.

Maggie's Boyfriend [6.05]

Maggie: I am so nervous about my new boyfriend coming over for dinner tonight.
Niles: Why? Because you have to prepare the chateaubriand, polish the silver and comb the fringe around the area rugs?
Maggie: No, you do that.
Niles: Then chill out, girlie.

Maggie: Because of your support, Michael and I have decided to move in together.
Fran: Honey, that's fantastic! Are you gonna be needing a nanny? Because I'm gonna be available.

I'm Pregnant [6.06]

[Catching Maggie in bed with Michael]
Mr. Sheffield: What the hell do you think you were doing?!
Fran: Well, I think it's pretty—
Mr. Sheffield: I know what they were doing! I wanna know why they were doing it!
Fran: Well, I think—
Mr. Sheffield: I know why they were doing it!

Fran: [Reading a pregnancy test manual] It says: "If you're not pregnant, it'll turn pink. If you are pregnant, it will turn blue." As will we all. Oh, honey, this wouldn't have happened if you had just listened to me.
Maggie: Fran, you said I could do whatever I want in my own house.
Fran: WHATever, not WHOever!
Maggie: Fran, I'm so nervous.
Fran: Sweetie, listen, whatever happens, don't worry. You won't have to go through this by yourself.
Maggie: I'm so glad I have you.
Fran: I love you. [Hugs] I don't want to put pressure on you or anything but if for some reason you are pregnant, life is gonna change forever. No husband, no house, no money... and it ain't gonna be a picnic for you either.

Mom's The Word [6.07]

Brighton: Gracie, I'm in so much trouble. I lost Yetta at the movies.
Grace: How could you lose a person?
Brighton: I don't know. One second, she's talking to a cardboard cutout of Walter Matthau and the next second she was just gone!
Grace: Did you ask the other cutouts?
Brighton: This is serious! There is a woman loose out there who is asking where Chucky's Bride is registered.

Niles: Do you want to have a baby or not?
Mr. Sheffield: Well, after thinking about it... Yes, of course I want to have a baby with Fran because I love her.
Niles: Well, I'd better overhear you telling her this soon, mister, because I'm not getting any younger!

Making Whoopi [6.08]

Brighton: Niles, do you know what Mom and Dad have been up to?
Niles: Um... They're trying to co-produce a new project.
Grace: How? Dad's gonna let Fran handle his business?
Niles: [After a long pause] Eat your eggs.

Whoopi Goldberg: Excuse me, what are you doing?
Fran: Oh, Miss Whoopi Goldberg! I'm so sorry, I just... I have to have sex right now!
Whoopi Goldberg: Now, usually they ask for my autograph.

Oh, Say, Can You Ski? [6.09]

Fran: [About her cold] My ears are so blocked I can't even hear myself.
Niles: Lucky you.

Fran: This is my first Thanksgiving where I'm eating for two.
Niles: You know, Sylvia, if you stop now, you can say the same.

The Hanukkah Story [6.10]

Niles: I'd love to lose more weight but nothing seems to kill my appetite.
Sylvia: Do what I did. I just looked at myself stark naked—
Niles: Thank you. That'll kill it.

Sylvia: Niles, take my coat! I'm going home!
Fran: Another miracle!

The In-Law Who Came Forever [6.11]

Fran: Niles, how am I ever going to tell Maxwell that my parents are staying here?
Niles: Quickly and without the negligee.
Fran: Maybe I shouldn't tell him at all. How long will it be before he notices?
Niles: Not long. He'll see her here for breakfast. He'll see her here for lunch. He'll see her here for dinner.
Fran: So I figure I've got at least 6 months?

C.C.: I have to call the agency. None of these models they submitted are right for our poster.
Niles: You know, sir, if you need an attractive photogenic man, on camera I can pass for—
C.C.: Hume Cronyn?
Mr. Sheffield: Niles, thank you for your offer but this poster really needs to sell our new show. Someone virile with huge masculinity...
Niles: [Points to C.C.] Well, there's your man.

The Fran In The Mirror [6.12]

Sylvia: This is so exciting! Grace is applying to the Eastside School for the Gifted. [To Grace] You know, you won't be the first member of the Fine family to attend. Your Aunt Celia spent three years there.
Fran: Ma, she worked in the lunch room. And she got fired for giving free lunches to a lady who tried to pass herself off as an 8th-grader.
Sylvia: Meanwhile, with my little pigtails and my little plaid skirt, I was adorable.

Val: Fran, there has got to be a way to get that money back.
Fran: How, Val? He already converted the million bucks into francs.
Val: [Disappointed] Well, once you convert it into hot dogs, it's very hard to trace.

The Yummy Mummy [6.13]

[About Fran's pregnancy]
Dr. Reynolds: Hearing mommy's voice can be very soothing to the baby.
Fran: Oh, did you hear that?
Dr. Reynolds: That's enough! We don't want him to hang himself with the umbilical cord.

Fran: You know, Miss Babcock, for your information, I just found out: I'm not stupid. I'm sexy.
C.C.: Nanny Fine, don't sell yourself short. You're both.
Fran: Well, I am smart enough to know I have just been insulted, and sexy enough not to care.

California, Here We Come [6.14]

Maury: Turn it into a sitcom.
Mr. Sheffield: Why?
Maury: 'Cause I like funny.
Mr. Sheffield: Mr. Sherry, my play is an allegory dealing with early man's struggle to survive.
Maury: So was the Flintstones.
Mr. Sheffield: You see, Maury, I am a man of the theater and there is such a thing as artistic integrity. And I can't sign this! I have an obligation to...
Maury: You'd make more money in one season of a sitcom than a ten year run of Cats.
Mr. Sheffield: Do you have a pen?

Niles: When [Fran and Sylvia] talk at the same time, the intercom shorts out.

Ma'ternal Affairs [6.15]

Yetta: Don't worry, Frannie. Your father's a very good man. Sylvia wouldn't throw that away for some fling.
Mr. Sheffield: Exactly. Yetta's absolutely right. I'm sure this thing with your mother and her doctor won't last.
Yetta: My daughter's dating a doctor?! WHOO-HOO!

Grace: She's rehearsing us until two in the morning!
C.C.: It's because you stink!
Mr. Sheffield: C.C., what do you expect when you choose "Antony and Cleopatra" for a grammar school?
C.C.: How hard is it to play a pushy broad who runs half-naked with too much makeup on? [To Grace] Have you learned nothing from your mother?

The Producers [6.16]

Niles: What is the one thing that separates me from all the successful people in this world?
Fran: Success?

Fran: Are you telling me that all those years that you put dishwater in her coffee and changed her lip balm for glue stick and called her a cow, you were flirting?!!
Niles: What, no good?
Fran: Niles, why don't you just tell her how you feel?
Niles: Oh, God, no! not until I have a successful career, a substantial income, a home.
Fran: Oh, God...
Niles: What?
Fran: She's never gonna know!

The Dummy Twins [6.17]

[When Maxwell finds the plastic babies in bed with him and Fran]
Fran: Sweetie, I'm sorry. It's just that they're upset over Niles. They can sense these things.
Mr. Sheffield: They're rubber and their butts are stamped "Made in Taiwan". What can they sense?
Fran: That their daddy doesn't love them.

C.C.: The best years of my life are gone. And they sucked.

Yetta's Letters [6.18]

[After catching Niles and C.C. in bed]
Mr. Sheffield: I just don't understand! What happened? Five hours ago, they were at each others throat.
Fran: Apparently, they decided to move downward.

Mr. Sheffield: Darling, I've been thinking. There's no way this contract between Yetta and Webber could possibly be valid. I mean, let's fact it, Yetta isn't exactly in her right mind.
Fran: Sweetie, just because she thinks we're Robbie and Laura Petrie and she's our neighbor, Millie? She's just occasionally confused.
Mr. Sheffield: Occasionally?

Maggie's Wedding [6.19]

Brighton: What's all the noise about?
Michael: I'm marrying your sister. But actually Fran said yes and your grandmother left with the ring on and no one's letting your father talk.
Brighton: Welcome to the mishpokhe, bro.

Dr. Hamilton: Mrs. Sheffield, seeing that you had some usually strong Braxton Hicks contractions—it's very common for women over thirty-five under stress—have you been stressed about anything recently?
Fran: You mean besides the fact that you think I'm over thirty-five?

The Baby Shower [6.20]

Mr. Sheffield: [About Fran and her pregnancy] Ever since she entered her third trimester, her mood swings have been lethal.
Niles: Oh, I know. It's worse than when Sylvia gave up chocolate. That was the most unbearable hour of my life.

C.C.: Nanny Fine, I can understand how you cannot trust me with Maxwell. After all, there were years of unrequited love and unfulfilled fantasies and shameless come-ons... but eventually he came to see he didn't have a chance in Hell.
Fran: So I'm guessing there's only food left in the mini-bar.

Finale Pt. 1 [6.20]

Fran: I really hope this [exercise] tape brings on my labor though I really can't blame them from wanting to stay in there. I mean, all they do is lie around all day. It's 98 degrees, all you can eat... It's Miami in there.

Maggie: So, Sylvia, what did you and Morty do on your first anniversary?
Sylvia: We went to Puerto Rico.
Maggie: What about you, Yetta?
Yetta: We fled Poland.

Notes and references

  1. The Nanny trivia. IMDb. Retrieved on 2007-06-16.

Simple English

The Nanny is an American sitcom starring Fran Drescher. It first showed in 1993 and ended in 1999.



  • Fran Drescher
  • Charles Shaughnessy
  • Daniel Davis
  • Lauren Lane
  • Nicholle Tom
  • Benjamin Salisbury
  • Madeline Zima
  • Renée Taylor
  • Rachel Chagall
  • Ann Morgan Guilbert


  • Fran Fine
  • Maxwell Sheffield
  • Niles
  • C. C. Babcock
  • Maggie Sheffield
  • Brighton Sheffield
  • Grace Sheffield
  • Sylvia Fine
  • Yetta Rosenberg
  • Val Toriello

Other pages


The series is about a woman named Fran Fine who gets fired from her job and decides to do her job (selling makeup) on her own. She knocks on a door and a man named Niles opens the door and thinks Fran is the nanny. Niles calls Maxwell Sheffield (the person he works for since he's a butler) and tells him that the nanny has arrived since he has mistaken Fran for being a nanny. Later, Fran becomes the nanny. In one episode, Fran and Maxwell end up getting married. Later they have twins and move to California.

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