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The Producers

Theatrical release poster
Directed by Susan Stroman
Produced by Mel Brooks
Written by Mel Brooks
Thomas Meehan
Starring Nathan Lane
Matthew Broderick
Uma Thurman
Will Ferrell
Gary Beach
Roger Bart
Jon Lovitz
Music by Mel Brooks
Thomas Meehan
Cinematography John Bailey
Editing by Steven Weisberg
Distributed by Universal Studios
Release date(s) December 16, 2005 (2005-12-16)
Running time 134 min
Country United States
Language English
Budget $45 million
Gross revenue $38,058,335

The Producers is a 2005 American comedy-musical film starring Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick, Uma Thurman and Will Ferrell. It is based on the 2001 Broadway musical of the same name and a remake of the 1968 film of the same name starring Zero Mostel, Gene Wilder, and Andréas Voutsinas. The film is directed by Susan Stroman (the director and choreographer of the original Broadway production). It was produced and distributed domestically by Universal Pictures and distributed overseas by Columbia Pictures.

Contents

Plot

The flop musical "Funny Boy" (based on William Shakespeare's Hamlet) opens – and closes ("Opening Night"). Afterward, Leo Bloom (Matthew Broderick) arrives at the office of the show's washed up producer, Max Bialystock (Nathan Lane). Max has hired Leo Bloom as his accountant. While studying Max's books, Leo inadvertently inspires Max to put on a show that is certain to fail at the box office and cleverly change their accounts leaving them with $2,000,000 to spend. At first, Leo refuses to participate. Max, who cannot change the books himself, attempts to coax Leo into the scheme ("We Can Do It"). Leo still refuses and returns to his old accounting firm, Whitehall & Marks.

After being chastised by Mr. Marks (Jon Lovitz), Leo fantasizes about being a Broadway producer ("I Wanna Be a Producer"). Leo quits his job and with Max, forms Bialystock & Bloom. Max and Leo search for "the worst play ever written" and discover Springtime for Hitler, written by an ex-Nazi named Franz Liebkind (Will Ferrell). They are coerced into performing Adolf Hitler's favorite tune and obeying the sacred "Siegfried Oath" in order to gain Liebkind's signature for Broadway rights to the musical ("Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop"). They solicit a flamboyant gay director, Roger De Bris (Gary Beach) ("the worst director in the world"), to direct and choreograph the play. De Bris initially refuses saying that the musical is far too dark and gritty and that Broadway needs to be more "gay" ("Keep It Gay"). Roger is talked into it, however, after being enticed by Max and Leo, who tell him that if he directs the play, he is certain to win a Tony. Then, Ulla (Uma Thurman), a beautiful Swedish woman, appears at their office for casting despite there being no auditions. Max insists on hiring her as their secretary and auditioning her ("When You've Got It, Flaunt It").

To gain the finances for the musical Max has affairs with every old lady across town ("Along Came Bialy"). Max and Leo return to the office to discover that Ulla has redecorated it to be entirely white. After Max leaves, Leo laments about Ulla and the dangers of sex straying him from his work, culminating in a kiss between Leo and Ulla ("That Face"). Later, at the auditions for the role of Hitler, Franz becomes angered at a performer's rendition of a beloved German song. Franz storms the stage and sings the song the correct way ("Haben Sie gehört das Deutsches Band?"). Max hires Franz to play Hitler.

On opening night, as the cast and crew prepare to go on stage, Leo wishes everyone "good luck", to which the players are horrified. They explain to Leo that it is in fact "bad luck" to say "good luck" on opening night and that the correct phrase is to say "break a leg" ("You Never Say Good Luck on Opening Night"). Franz leaves to prepare and, in his rush, literally breaks his leg. Max enlists Roger to perform the role in his place, and Roger accepts.

As the show opens, the audience is horrified and begins to walk out until Roger steps on stage as Hitler. Because his performance is so flamboyant, the audience sees the play as a mockery of Hitler rather than Franz's original vision ("Springtime for Hitler"). As a result, the show is a success and the IRS will be keeping tabs on Max and Leo. After the show, an angry Franz starts trying to shoot the producers for, despite his show being a hit, making a fool out of Hitler. However, the police arrest him after hearing the shots, but not before breaking his other leg while trying to escape. Max, too, gets arrested for his tax fraud, while Leo and Ulla escape to Rio ("Betrayed"), but they return to stand up for Max in court ("'Til Him"). The judge sentences them both to five years at Sing Sing, but they and Franz are pardoned after writing a musical in prison ("Prisoners of Love"), and go on to become successful Broadway producers.

Cast

Soundtrack and songs

The Producers Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
  1. "Overture" - Orchestra
  2. "Opening Night" - Opening Nighters
  3. "We Can Do It" - Max and Leo
  4. "I Wanna Be a Producer" - Leo, Accountants, and Mr. Marks
  5. "Der Guten Tag Hop-Clop" - Franz, Max, and Leo
  6. "Keep It Gay" - Roger, Carmen, Max, Leo, and Company
  7. "When You Got It, Flaunt It" - Ulla
  8. "Along Came Bialy" - Max and Little Old Ladies
  9. "That Face" - Leo and Ulla
  10. "Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band?" - Franz
  11. "You Never Say Good Luck on Opening Night" - Roger, Carmen, Franz, Max, and Leo
  12. "Springtime for Hitler (Part I)" - Soldiers, Girls, and Company
  13. "Heil Myself" - Roger and Company
  14. "Springtime for Hitler (Part II)" - Roger, Ulla, and Company
  15. "You'll Find Your Happiness in Rio" - Samba Band
  16. "Betrayed" - Max
  17. "'Til Him" - Max, Leo, and Little Old Ladies
  18. "Prisoners of Love (Broadway)" - Prisoners, Ulla, and Company
  19. "Prisoners of Love (Leo and Max)" - Leo and Max
  20. "There's Nothing Like a Show on Broadway" - Leo and Max
  21. "The Hop-Clop Goes On" - Franz
  22. "Goodbye!" - Leo, Max, Ulla, Roger, Carmen, Mr. Marks, Accountants, Dancing Girls, and Mel Brooks
  23. "The King of Broadway" - Max (deleted scene on DVD)

Reception

The Producers received mixed or average reviews from critics. One positive online review said: "Outrageous musical numbers evoke most of the laughs in this movie funfest. Eat your heart out, Rockettes, because here comes a little old ladies’ chorus line (“Along Came Bialy”) to rival your success. Watch out, real-life producers, for an actor named Gary Beach (“Heil Myself”). Never, and I mean never, hire him if you want your play to flop! And stop spinning in your grave, Florenz Ziegfeld. Those “Springtime for Hitler and Germany” showgirls are all in good fun. Finally, congratulations to director Susan Stroman, for making this Broadway gem into a film that old-time movie musical fans like me can cheer about."[1]

Nathan Rabin wrote: "Between the rough start and an ending that lingers too long, there's a solid hour or so of terrific entertainment that serves as both a giddy tribute to Broadway musicals and a parody thereof. Thirty-seven years after Brooks declared war on taste and propriety, 'The Producers' has lost its power to shock or offend, but it's retained its ability to amuse."[2]

Roger Ebert cited difficulty in reviewing the film due to familiarity with the original 1968 film. However, he did state that the new version was "fun" and gave it three stars (out of a possible four). Said Ebert: "The new movie is a success, that I know. How much of a success, I cannot be sure."[3]

In addition to these positive reviews, it was nominated for four Golden Globes (including nominations for actors Ferrell and Lane).

Most negative reviews suggested that the performances were tuned more for the theater rather than for film. Stephanie Zacharek observed: "'The Producers' is essentially a filmed version of a stage play, in which none of the characters' expressions or line readings have been scaled down to make sense on-screen. Every gesture is played out as if the actors were 20 feet away in real life, which means that, by the time the performers are magnified on the big screen, they're practically sitting in your lap. The effect is something like watching a 3-D Imax film without the special glasses."[4]

Trivia

  • In the song "Opening Night", a newspaper theatre review is shown on the screen; on the byline, credit is given to Addison DeWitt, the theatre critic played by George Sanders in All About Eve.
  • Although it's never said, the film takes place in 1959, when Broadway was a prominent place of entertainment.[5]
  • In the scene when Ulla first enters Bialystock's office, the King Leer poster next to the door can be seen, and after a few seconds, its eyes start spinning.
  • The voices of 'Tom the Cat' (who is thrown by Bialystock into the theater) and the Stormtrooper who says 'Don't be stupid, be a smarty, come and join the Nazi Party!' are provided by Mel Brooks, two voices he also pre-recorded for the Broadway show and one voice (the latter) that he did in the original film.
  • After the closing credits, there is an additional song where the cast bids good-bye to the audience. This number is also sung in the stage production right after the final company bow. At the end of the number is a cameo by Mel Brooks himself, who tells the audience: 'Get out, it's over'. In an interview, Brooks complained that audiences wanted to stay in the theater after the show was over. He specifically wrote this song to tell everyone to leave.
  • When Leo Bloom shouts "Stop the world, I wanna get on!" it is a reference to the musical Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.
  • Ulla (Uma Thurman)'s greeting "Goddag min vännen" means "good day my friends" in Swedish (though the grammar is incorrect, it should have been "goddag mina vänner").
  • When Max is visiting the old ladies in their apartment buildings, he pushes several intercom buttons, labeled with names of the residents they refer to. Many of these are references to famous people:
  • A black fedora is the "Broadway producer's hat" that Max finally allows Leo to wear in the last scene.
  • While talking about the $2,000 missing from Max's books after "Funny Boy", the calendar behind Max and Leo reads June 16. The date is known as "Bloomsday" (later referenced when Leo and Max agree go ahead with their plan) by fans of James Joyce and his novel Ulysses. Joyce's character Leopold Bloom experiences extraordinary things on what's supposed to be an ordinary day - June 16. Later, Bloom, telling Max he wants to become a producer, asks "When's it going to be Bloomsday?"
  • The two main stars of the film, Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick previously worked together voicing friends Timon the meerkat and Simba the lion in Disney's 1994 animated film The Lion King. A scene shot for The Producers, but deleted, showed the pair on-screen with Ernie Sabella, who voiced the third member of their friendship, Pumbaa the warthog. This scene is included on the DVD. The scene is called the Astor Bar and shows where Max and Leo escaped to during the middle of Springtime for Hitler when Max said, "Let's get out of here before they kill us". The three are the only people in the bar and Max buys a round for all of them and sings about Rio. Eventually Max and Leo leave to see how badly their show flopped (they had no idea how people had reacted to Roger's Hitler) while Ernie Sabella stays.
  • At the end of the song "The Hop-Clop Goes On" Franz whispers, "Don't forget to buy Mein Kampf, in paperback. Available near you at Borders Books or Barnes & Noble und Amazon.com."
  • When Max and Leo are searching for the worst play ever written in Act 1, Max reads out the opening sentence of The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, but dismisses it as "too good".
  • When Leo wakes up from his dream of being a Broadway Producer while being at work, on the croquis he uses, you can clearly read "Property of Universal" with the Universal logo beneath it.
  • The swastika the dancers do in "Springtime for Hitler" is inverted, mainly because the audience was supposed to see it through the mirror on the back.
  • Roger Bart, Matthew Broderick, and Jon Lovitz also appeared together in the remake of Stepford Wives

References to other Brooks works

In the film there are references to other films by Mel Brooks, including:

  • High Anxiety: Ulla asks if she can audition for Max and Leo, Leo begins to say, "Oh no, miss, that won't be nece–" (interrupted, the full word being "necessary"). Max interrupts him, saying "Yes, it is 'nece,' extremely 'nece'!".
  • Blazing Saddles: while looking over the contracts in the freshly-painted office, Leo says to himself, "Work work work, work work work, work work work." In Max's prison scene, the prison guard says he has a postcard from someone in Brazil, Max wonders aloud who he knows in Brazil, before asking the guard, "Why am I asking you?". Carmen Ghia's drawn out "Yesssss?" is also a reference to Blazing Saddles, heard during the gay dancers scene headed by Dom DeLuise. When Max uses the line 'you Teutonic twit' it is a reference to Hedley Lamarr's 'you Teutonic twat'. Bialystock also mouths "What the fuck?" in Central Park, similarly to Hedley Lamarr during the pie fight scene. As Bialystock and Bloom leave the roof Franz leans against the door and says, "What nice guys" in the same manner that Lily Von Schtupp does when Sheriff Bart leaves her dressing room saying "What a nice guy."
  • To Be or Not to Be: while playing Hitler, Roger sings a song entitled "Heil Myself".
  • Silent Movie; the "walker dance" during the number "Along Came Bialy"
  • Young Frankenstein; while in Sing Sing prison, the inmates are seen rehearsing a dance for Prisoners of Love. This is the same dance done by Dr. Frederick Frankenstein and the Frankenstein Monster.
  • Some of the lines in the film were used, in a different context, in Mel Brooks' film, Blazing Saddles. In The Producers, Matthew Broderick's character at one point -- while trying to distract himself from Uma Thurman's character, says "Work, work, work". And a few minutes later, when he sees some papers, he says "Hello boys". In Blazing Saddles, Mel Brook's character said these same two lines, in a similar context but to show a different character. In Blazing Saddles, Brooks' character of the territorial governor says "Work, work, work" when he is with his busty assistant. And he says "Hello boys" to refer to her breasts. Brodderick's character used the line to try to distract himself from his assistant, and Brooks' character used them to voice how much he liked his own assistant.

Certain actors in the film have been involved in previous Brooks-related productions, such as David Huddleston, who played Olson Johnson in Blazing Saddles and Thomas Meehan, who co-wrote Spaceballs, the film's previous musical incarnation's book and the film itself with Brooks.

References

  1. ^ ReelTalk Movie Reviews
  2. ^ The Producers
  3. ^ Ebert, Roger (2005-12-16). "The Producers review". RogerEbert.com. http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051215/REVIEWS/51213003/1023. Retrieved 2007-01-26.  
  4. ^ Zacharek, Stephanie,"The Producers", retrieved January 26, 2007 from salon.com
  5. ^ Susan Stroman's comments on the DVD audio commentary.

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

The Producers is a 2005 film starring Nathan Lane, Matthew Broderick and Uma Thurman about down-on-his-luck producer Max Bialystock who, after putting together another Broadway flop, teams up with timid accountant Leo Bloom in a get-rich-quick scheme to put on the world's worst show.

Directed by Susan Stroman. Written by Mel Brooks and Thomas Meehan.

Contents

Max Bialystock

  • There's a lot more to you than there is to you! [mouthed] What the f*ck?
  • We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?
  • [after seeing Franz perform at the auditions] THAT'S OUR HITLER!
  • [with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country... [normal voice] TAXI!
  • I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa! And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch, in a worn but clean gingham gown... And I hear my mama calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alvin! Alvin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes... WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?! I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo's taken everything... even my past!
  • [to Ulla] Even though we're sitting down, we're giving you a standing ovation.
  • What are you shooting at us for, you teutonic TWIT?!
  • Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Lick me bite me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!
  • [to a prisoner in Sing Sing] What are you in for, lack of rhythm?
  • I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.
  • Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!
  • Dear Lord... I want that money!
  • [holding play] Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother load...
  • For once, I would love to see someone on that couch who's under eighty-five!
  • Please make audition - make audition allll over the office.
  • Let's get out of here before they kill us.
  • [After Ulla has painted the entire room white, he goes to the safe with the tax books] ...She painted over the numbers...
  • Leo, you are nervous, over-stimulated. GIVE ME THOSE FRIGGIN' BOOKS!
  • [To Leo] Well, you know what they say: "smile and the world smiles with you". [to bust] This man should be in a straightjacket!
  • [reading a play] As Gregor Samsa woke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a giant cock-a-roach. [speaking] Nah, too good.

Leo Bloom

  • And what a day! In the same day I have taken the Siegfried oath, I've danced with a sailor, a cop and an extremely friendly Cherokee Indian.
  • When's it gonna be Bloomsday?
  • I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!
  • [Going hysterical, and pointing at Bialystock] FAT! FAT! FAT-FAT-FATTY-FAT!!!
  • Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've made a terrible error in judgement. You've mistaken me for someone with a spine.
  • Stop the world! I wanna get on!
  • I'm not going into the toilet! I'm going into show business!
  • You were right about one thing. You are a CPA - a certified public asshole!
  • MY BLUE BLANKET! GIVE ME BACK MY BLUE BLANKET!! AAAAARGH!
  • [Hysterical, as Bialystock is standing over him] You're gonna jump on me! You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me and squash me like a bug! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME! [Max jumps in place, screaming "I'm not gonna jump on you - get a hold of yourself!]
  • I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock splashes him with a glass of water) ... I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M WET AND I'M HYSTERICAL! (Bialystock then slaps him) ...I'M IN PAIN! I'M IN PAIN AND I'M WET AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL!

Franz Liebkind

  • Broadway! I haven't been zis happy since we crushed Poland!
  • Stop moving! How can I shoot you if you keep moving?!
  • Zis is no good! I'm not killing anyone!
  • [Finding Max and Leo under a desk]You sniveling cowards! Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies! I am going to show you how to die like a man! [points gun at self, attempts to shoot three times but is unsuccessful] Boy, when things go wrong. [throws gun on couch, shot fires]
  • Hilda, where are you going? Argentina's that way!
  • I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders! I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on! We lived at the back, near Switzerland. All we heard was yodelling... yodel le he hoo! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, Yodelay, Yodelay, Yodelay - WHO ARE YOU!?!
  • I must tell my birds!
  • Zis man could never play Adolf Hitler! Ze Führer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! Ze Führer was BUTCH! And zat is not how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'! Zis is how you sing 'Haben Sie gehört das Deutsche band'!
  • AQAP! [pause] As kvick as possible!
  • Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was descended from a long line of English kveens.
  • Not many people know zis, but ze Führer was a terrific dancer.
  • Gott in Himmel!
  • That's because you were taken in by the BBC! FILTHY BRITISH LIES! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! BLEUGH! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler - there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
  • [Whispered at the end of the credits] Don't forget to buy... Mein Kampf... in paperback... available near you... at Border's Books... or Barnes & Noble... und Amazon.com... guten tag.

Roger De Bris

  • I shall have to think about it - I'll do it.
  • [signing his name] Roger Elizabeth DeBris!
  • Quick darling, back in the closet!
  • You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd serve you under my armpits every day.
  • Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me? It's too downbeat!
  • [singing] Keep it happy, keep it snappy, keep it gay!
  • [sung as Hitler] I was just a paper hanger
    no one more obscurer.
    Got a phone call from the Reichstag
    told me I was Führer.
    Germany was blue
    What, oh, what to do?
    Hitched up my pants
    and conquered France.
    Now Deutschland's smiling through!
    It ain't no mystery
    if it's politics or history.
    The thing you've got to know is
    everything is showbiz!
  • [singing] I see a line of beautiful girls dressed as stormtroopers each one a gem. With leather boots and whips on their hips. It's risque, dare I say, S&M! I see German soldiers dancing through France played by chorus boys in very tight pants. And wait there's more! THEY WIN THE WAR! And the dances they do will be daring and new. Turn turn kick turn, turn turn kick turn, one two three kick turn! Keep it sassy, keep it classy, keep it...
  • [sung] I'm the German Ethel Merman don't cha know?!
  • I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!

Carmen Ghia

  • And so the rule is, when mounting a... play. Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay.
  • Roger, We're not alone...
  • May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?
  • [When he answers the door] Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?
    Max: I-
    Carmen Ghia: Ssssssssss?
  • Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger Debris, in an elegant eastside townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Who may I say is calling?
    [Got angry] Listen, you broken down old queen, he was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky, don't ever call here again!
    [Roger in other room] Who was that!?
    Wrong number!

Ulla

  • [sung] Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string!
  • Secretary-slash-receptionist? Okie-slash-dokie!
  • Why Bloom go so far camera right?
  • Ulla wake up at five A.M. every day. From five to seven, Ulla like to exercise. From seven to eight, Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine, Ulla like to have big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla like to practice her singing and her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. ... What time should I get here? (Max and Leo respond synchronicly - "Eleven")

Others

  • Brazilian Samba Performer: [Sung] You'll find your happiness in Rio! The beaches there are strewn with pearls! The latin breezes always blow there! And so, we hear, do the girls!
  • Sing Sing Prison Guard: Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having - through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into the hearts of every murderer, rapist, and sex maniac in Sing Sing! You're free!
  • Stormtrooper "Mel": Don't be stupid, be a smartie. Come and join the Nazi Party.
  • Mr. Marks: Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
  • Stormtrooper "Rolf": I was born in Düsseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf.

Dialogue

Max: I was a protege of the great Boris Tomashevsky. He taught me everything I know. I'll never forget, he turned to me on his death bed and said: "Maxella, alle menschen muss zu machen, jeden tug a gentzen kachen!"
Nun: What does that mean?
Max: Who knows, I don't speak Yiddish. Strangely enough, neither did he. But in my heart, I knew what he was saying. He was saying when you're down and out and everybody thinks you're finished, that's the time to stand up on your two feet and shout: "Who do you have to fuck to get a break in this stinking town?"

Max: Do you know who I am?
Leo: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!

Max: Whatta ya say, Bloom?
Leo: [sung] What do I say?
Finally a chance to be a Broadway producer!
What do I say?
Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir!
What do I say? What do I say?
Here's what I say to you, sir... I can't do it!

Leo: I'm a fountain?
Max: [yelling] Yes You're a Fountain!

Max: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo: And two?
Max: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!

Leo and Max: We can do it! We can do it!
Max: Every show I touch I doom!
Leo and Max: We were fated, To be mated, We're Bialystock and Bloom!

Carmen Ghia: He's having a stroke.
Max: What?!
Carmen Ghia: Of genius!!

Franz Liebkind: [Making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] Raise Your right forefingers! I solemnly svear...
Leo and Max: [holding up their right forefingers] I solemnly svear...
Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Leo and Max: To obey the Sacred Siegfried Oath...
Franz Liebkind: Und!
Max: [Switching to his middle finger] Und!
Leo: [Switching to his middle finger] Und!
Franz Liebkind: [Wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!
Leo and Max: [Flipping Franz off] Never, Never, Never.
Franz Liebkind: Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolf Elizabeth Hitler
Leo and Max: Dishonor the spirit and the... Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know it, but der Führer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
[long pause]
Max: Is that right?
Leo and Max: [shrugging] Adolf ELIZABETH Hitler.

Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der Führer was a terrific dancer.
Max: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo: No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL! With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!

Roger De Bris: [wearing a dress] I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.

Max: Listen Roger, did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! It's loaded with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not.
[Music starts]
Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed
With dramas so depressed
It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway
Shows should be more pretty
Shows should be more witty
Shows should be more...
Roger De Bris: [spoken] What's the word?
Leo: Gay?
Roger De Bris: Exactly!

Donald Dinsmore: I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. "
[the song intro plays as Donald dances. Just before he is about to open his mouth...]
Roger De Bris: NEXT!

Leo: Actors aren't animals! They're human beings!
Max : Have you ever eaten with one?

Leo: What's your name?
Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yansen Tallen Hallen Svadon Swanson.
Max: What's your first name?
Ulla: That was my first name. Would you like to know my last name?
Max: We don't have the time.

Ulla: Would you like Ulla make audition?
Leo: That won't be nece...
Max: Yes, it is nece! Extremely nece!

Leo: [to Ulla] We might have a position for you.
Max: Actually, we might have several positions for you.

Leo: So what time can you get here?
Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla exercise. From seven to eight Ulla like to take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Leo and Max: Eleven.
Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla: God dag min vanina!
Leo and Max: God dag min vanina... ninna...
Ulla: God bless America!
[Ulla leaves]
Max: God bless Sweden!

Leo: Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Max: Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.

Carmen Ghia: Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling? Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!
Roger De Bris: Who was that?
Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!

Leo, Max, Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: Break a leg!
[CRASH!]
Max: Franz, what happened?
Franz Liebkind: I broke my leg!

Leo: [Screams hysterically]
[Max runs over and splashes Leo with a glass of water]
Leo: I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET!
[Max slaps Leo]
Leo: [Pauses] I'M IN PAIN! I'M WET AND IN PAIN! AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL [Babbles]
Max: What can I do? You're making me hysterical
Leo: Get away, you're too close, you frighten me!
Max: I frighten you?!
Leo: Get down over there, sit over there!
Max: I'm sitting! I'm sitting!
Leo: [Flinches] You still look angry!
Max: I'm sorry, is this better? [Grins goofily] [In Childish, patronising voice] Who's my little accountant? Who's my little accountant? Are you my little accountant? Yes you are!
Leo: [Now calm] Thank you for smiling, that helped a great deal!

Carmen: I'll take your coats, and hats...and your swastikas.
Max (to Leo): You didn't tell me we were still wearing them!
Leo: I didn't notice.
Max: Sorry. Just came from a big rally, everyone was wearing one.

Franz Liebkind: [while waving a gun around] You made a fool of Hitler!
Carmen Ghia, Roger De Bris: He didn't need our help.

Roger De Bris: This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us!
Carmen Ghia: Oh, Roger, what alliteration
Roger De Bris: Thank you, darling.

[With one leg already broken Franz Liebkind falls down the stairs]
Officer O'Rourke: [Calling down the stairs] What happened?
Franz Liebkind: I broke... the other leg!

Hold Me-Touch Me: I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy.
Max: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Hold Me-Touch Me: Don't worry, I'll be gentle. Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
Max: Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!

Leo: I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.
Max: "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.

Ulla: Remember when Ulla dance?
Max and Leo: Yes.
Ulla: Ulla dance again!
Max: Ulla dance again!!!

Franz: The punishment for breaking the Zigfried Oaths is dess.
Max: Dess? Is that anything like 'Death'?
Franz: Yeth!

Hold-Me Touch-Me: I made it out just like you told me to: To the title of the play. "Cash". It's a funny sort of name for a play, "Cash"...
Max: So is "The Iceman Cometh."

Judge: And who might you be, my dear?
Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden-Svanson... Bloom.
Judge: You're HIS wife?
Ulla: He wouldn't do it unless we got married!
Judge: What a schmuck!

Leo: [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not
Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy
Leo and Accountants: [sung] Very very very very very very very...
Accountants: [sung] Sad.
Leo: [sung] I wanna be a producer... [spoken] Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
Mr. Marks: Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
Leo: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
Leo: [sung] I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!
Chorus Girls and Accountants: [sung] Broadway, here he comes!

Carmen Ghia: Well as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on you're only half dressed.
Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, oh Wicked Witch of the Wessst?
Carmen Ghia: [after a long pause] If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... BULLSEYE!

Roger:Well they all just read Springtime, what'd you think of it guys?
Bryan:[all sung] If it's glamour
Scott:and Glitz
Kevin:It needs sequins
Shirley Markowitz:And tits

Leo:Mr. DeBris, Roger, Roger, actually I think your gown is very stunning
Roger:Why thank you Mr Bloom. Leo. [sniffing] Mmm, what is that enchanting cologne your wearing?
Leo:Me? I'm not wearing any cologne.
Roger:You mean that smell is you. Oh, God. If I could bottle you I'd shove you under my armpits everyday.

Roger: [singing] I'll sign! Roger Elizabeth De Bris! [Max and Leo look up confused, after just finding out the Hitler's middle name was also Elizabeth]

Roger: So Jason, what have you been up to?
Jason Green: For ze last 16 years I have been touring in No No Nietzsche.
Roger: Ahh, you played Nietzsche?
Jason Green: No no.
Roger: [making a face] What are you going ta sing?
Jason Green: Have you ever heard ze German band?
Roger: No
Jason Green: Zat is za name of ze song I am going to sing!

Carmen Ghia: Jaques La Peduex [both Carmen and Roger look around, but no one steps forward] Jaques La Peduex [Roger looks at the name card and whispers into Carmen's ear] Jack Lapidus...

Cast

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