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Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).
Spoiler warning: Plot, ending, or solution details follow.

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Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.01]

Homer: [as a mall Santa] Ho, Ho, [hits his head] D'oh!

[Homer leaves to go get a Christmas tree.]
Lisa: Can we go, too?
Bart: Yeah, can we...?
Homer: No... [close the shut]

Bart the Genius [1.02]

[The family is playing Scrabble.]
Bart: My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O, 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here.
[Bart's about to leave, but Homer grabs his arm.]
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere, until tell me what a Kwyjibo is.
Bart: Uh, Kwyjibo. Uh... [looks at Homer] a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! Kwyjibo is on the loose!

Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.
Homer: What is it, son?
Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.
Homer: What?
Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then made the past few weeks great. Me and you were doing stuff together, you've helped me out with things, we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, dad, and I think is something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.
[Long pause]
Homer: Why, you little...! [chases Bart]
Bart: Uh-oh! [runs]
Marge: What's going on out there?
Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
Marge: Oh, well.
[Bart runs into his room and closes the door. Homer pounds on it.]
Homer: You can't stay in there forever!
Bart: I can try!
Homer: March your butt right out here, now!

Homer's Odyssey [1.03]

Marge: There, there, Homer. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.

Sherri: Hey, Bart. Our dad says your dad is incompetent.
Bart: What does "incompetent" mean?
Terri: It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job.
Bart: Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04]

[Dr. Monroe introduces electric shock therapy to the Simpsons.]
Dr. Monroe: Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you for a very important reason, i.e., you are wired in to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock--
[Homer screams as Bart shocks him.]
Bart: Just testing.
Homer: Why, you--
[Homer is about to press a button, but Monroe holds his arm back]
Dr. Monroe: No Homer, not yet!
Homer: Awww.
Dr. Monroe: You see , this is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically, and gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all! And won't that be wonderful Homer?
Homer: Oh yes, doctor!
[Homer shocks Bart.]
Bart: Owww! [About to shock Homer, but shocks Lisa instead.]
Lisa: Owww!
Marge: Bart! How could you shock you little sister?
Bart: My finger slipped. [gets shocked by Lisa.]
Lisa: So did mine.
[Bart and Lisa kept shocking eatch other.]
Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that! [Marge shocks both Bart and Lisa.]

Bart the General [1.05]

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!
Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?
Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

Moaning Lisa [1.06]

Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about making yourself feeling better, it's about making other people feel worse.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: [to Lisa] You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

The Call of the Simpsons [1.07]

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]
Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.
Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

The Telltale Head [1.08]

Homer: [on Heaven] I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

Bart: Well, I was wondering... how important is it to be popular?
Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.
Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?
Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?
Bart: No.
Homer: Are you?!
Bart: No!
Homer: Then run along, you little scamp. Like I always say, a boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Life on the Fast Lane [1.09]

Jacques: My head cries, "Stop," but my heart and hips cry, "Proceed!"

[Homer carries Marge out of the Power Plant]
Plant Worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him that I'm going to the back-seat of my car, with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes! [Co-workers cheer]

Homer's Night Out [1.10]

[Homer weighs himself again after six months]
Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!
[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]
Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.
Homer: Good idea, Marge.

Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!
Homer: What do you mean, sir?
Burns: I mean this! [holds up the picture]
Homer: [Gasps]
Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. [suddenly wrinkles up the picture into a ball] I WILL NOT HAVE YOU OFFENDING MY CUSTOMERS WITH YOUR BAWDY SHENANIGANS!!

The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]

Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!
Homer: Hear him out, Marge.

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]

[The opening of Krusty's show.]
Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love?
Kids: Krusty!
Krusty: How much do you love me?
Kids: With all our hearts!
Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air?
Bart and Lisa [watching at home] We'd kill ourselves!

"Krusty": Hand over all your money in a paper bag.
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
["Krusty" takes the money and leaves the store.]
Apu: [to Homer] You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Some Enchanted Evening [1.13]

Moe: Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation?
Homer: You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.
Moe: Homer...
Homer: What?
Moe: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.
Homer: What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig?
Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am. [belches]
Homer: Oh, no!
Moe: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference: once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.

Bart: [The greatest TV room by kids with the rope.] We know who you are, Miss Botz, or should say Miss Botzcowski, you're the baby-sitter bandit!
Ms. Botz: You're a smart, young man, Bart! I hope you're smart enough to keep your mouth shut!
Lisa: He isn't.
[Miss Botz will disconnect the phone.]
Bart: You're crazy if you think you're gonna getaway with this, lady, you can't-- [Bart mouth tape on the muffled.]
Ms. Botz: I'm really not a bad person, here, while I finish up, you guys can watch the rest of your favorite video cassette.

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