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Up to date as of January 14, 2010

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The Simpsons



Treehouse of Horror XIII [14.01]

William Bonney (Billy the Kid) and his evil gang of undead henchmen have risen from the ground.
Billy: Now I'd like you to meet the hole-in-the-ground gang!
Townspeople: [Gasp]
Billy: Frank an' Jesse James!
Townspeople: [Gasp]
Billy:The Sundance Kid!
Townspeople: [Gasp]
Comic Book Guy: What happened to Butch Cassidy?
The Sundance Kid: (imitating) What happened to Butch Cassidy? We're not joined at the hip, you know!
Billy: And the most evil German of all time... Kaiser Wilhelm.
Townspeople: [Mutterings of "Who?"]
Frank James: He ain't no cowboy!
Wilhelm: Sure I am! [stops to think]...uh .. yippy wippy, wippy!
Frank: OK, he's in.

Billy the Kid: Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor, and shoot the money!

[After other characters - who have been turned into 'manimals' by Dr. Hibbert - decide that they enjoy it]
Homer: YOU GUYS ARE NUTS! All you can do is eat, and sleep, and mate, and roll around in your own filth, and mate, and eat-- Where do I sign up?

How I Spent My Strummer Vacation [14.02]

(The Simpsons are gathered together, while watching Taxicab Conversations)
Wiseguy: Where to, pal?
Homer: (drunk) Talky thing, ain't ya?
Lisa: Another proud moment for the Simpsons.

(Homer is upset that the Rock n' Roll Fantasy Camp is over)
Mick Jagger: It's okay, Homer. It's only Rock n' Roll camp.
Homer: But I like it.

Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade [14.03]

Bart: [mockingly at Lisa] Ha Ha. They left without you.
Lisa: They left without you too, you idiot.
Bart: If I'm such an idiot, how come I'm the smartest kid in third grade?
Lisa: Because you've already done it once.
Bart: You've lost me.

Lisa: Hey... how do we get home?
Bart: No problem. We'll just circle around like those kids in the Blair Witch project.
[Bart walks off-screen. He immediately walks back into frame on the other side]
Bart: I must be getting close. [Points to Lisa] I recognize that girl.

Large Marge [14.04]

Homer: If Bart can be 'El Barto'...
["El Homo" is spraypainted on a wall]
Homosexual Latino: Oh sénor, if only I had your courage
Homer:Thanks [realizes what he just did] Oh, God!

Marge: Aaaaah! My maguppies just became bazongas!
Surgeon: Woah! Are those real?

Helter Shelter [14.05]

(as the Sarcastic Clerk is gnawing on the living room table)
Marge: Why do you always pick the cheapest service?
Homer: I go by how funny the sign is (indicates the "A Bug's Death" van outside the house)

(Bart uses a telegraph to message Moe, dressed as a telegraph clerk)
Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, "hey would you cuddle me"?
[a big man makes a threatening look while Lenny and Carl laugh]
Moe: [angry] Dude, that little!! [begins using the telegraph] I'm going to drive a Golden Spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! STOP!
[at the other end, Bart laughs]

The Great Louse Detective [14.06]

Bart: Dad, how could you put my life in danger to save your own?!
Homer: You'll understand someday when you have kids!

[Homer's runaway King of Mardi Gras float is heading toward a building filled with swordfish.]
Lisa: (gasps) Dad's heading for the Swordfish Museum!
Marge: That museum's been nothing but trouble since it opened.

Special Edna [14.07]

(Little Richard is on stage)
Homer: Purple Rain!
Little Richard: SHUT UP!
Homer: (excited) Michael Jackson told me to shut up.

The Dad Who Knew Too Little [14.08]

Ralph Wiggum: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Dexter Colt: Yes, you already told me that. What else do you know?
Ralph: I once picked my nose 'til it bleeded.
Dexter: No, about Lisa!
Ralph: Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Dexter: Forget it. Someone already worked this guy over.

Sheriff Lisa: I'll stop 'em, just as sure as my favorite book is...
Homer: (voiceover) Magazines! [snoring]
Bart: Dad, wake up!

Strong Arms of The Ma [14.09]

(Marge breaks a bottle and points it menacingly.)

Marge: Maybe death will stop your yammering!!

(Marge has destroyed Moe's Tavern and injured almost all of the barflies. She holds Lenny over her head as Homer comes out from hiding on the far end of the bar)

Homer: Marge?
(Marge turns around, breathing heavily and still holding Lenny over her head)
Homer (voice breaking): Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly, would give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.

Pray Anything [14.10]

Marge: You know, most people pray silently.
Homer: Marge he's way the hell up there.

Lisa: There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air which created rain and with all the trees cut down a flood was inevitable.
Bart: Yeah but what made the rain stop?
Lisa: I don't know. Buddha?

Barting Over [14.11]

Marge: You're suing us?
Bart: That's right. I wanna be emancipated.
Homer: Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?

Bart: Mom, you've always been cool to me. But, Homer is a lousy dad.
Homer: My dad was lousy and I didn't sue him, I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.

I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can [14.12]

Homer: Three ribwiches, please. And instead of a shake, I'd like a blended ribwich.
Cashier: I'm sorry sir, the ribwich was for a limited time only.
Homer: [banging fist on counter] Not again! First you take away my philly fudge steak, then my bacon balls, then my what-cha-ma-chicken. You monster... [walks away, then comes back to counter] I'd like a large fries please, and a collector's cup.
Ribhead: Dude, if you still want the ribwich, they're testing it in other markets. Check out the tour schedule! [shows back of his shirt with the tour schedule]

Homer: Maybe I should hook up with you guys. After all, how long do any of us have to live?
Ribhead: Well, if you like the ribwich, not very. [holds up ribwich box saying "WILL CAUSE EARLY DEATH"]
Homer: D'oh!

A Star is Born-Again [14.13]

Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington [14.14]

Krusty: just one thing, are u guys good at covering youthful and middle aged indiscretions?
Mr. Burns: are these indiscretions romantic, financial or treasonous
Krusty: russian hooker, you tell me

Marge: There must be some kind of solution that pleases everyone. From ducks and trees, to you's and me's...
Airport official: Are you threatening a government official?
Marge: No.
Airport official: Good. Because we're the government. We make the laws, we print the money, and we breed the supersoldiers. So go home, learn to live with it, pay your taxes, and remember: you didn't hear anything about supersoldiers.

Cletus: I like that clown. He's really lookin' out for me, the average Joe-Six Tooth.
Brandine: Where'd you get yourself another tooth?
Cletus: Sidewalk.

C.E. D'oh [14.15]

(Lenny and Carl are fighting one another with carbon rods, ala Star Wars series)
Lenny: I say Phantom Menace sucked more.
Carl: I say Attack of the Clones sucked more.

Homer: All my life I've had one dream: to piss off

'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky [14.16]

Homer: I wish God were alive to see this.

Lisa: Now we nearly put this switch to "Overload". And once we do we'll be breaking the law. Can good truly come from civil disobediance? Gandhi thought so and (cut off by Bart)
Bart: Gandhi also said less talk more rock. (Pulls the switch beyond "Overload")
(Lights explode. The police come out armed)
Clancy Wiggum: Uh,oh. All of the lights are out. We need to get the entire force working on this.
Officer Lou: But Chief, we are the entire force.
Clancy Wiggum: Okay, we got to start recruiting, Lou.

Three Gays of the Condo [14.17]

Homer: Puzzle piece, come out and play-ay!

Lisa: Mom, I know dad cares about you, but his feelings are really hurt. Why don't you just say you're sorry?
Marge: Lisa, marriage is a beautiful thing, but it's also a constant battle for moral superiority. So I can't apologize.
Bart: Couldn't you just say you're sorry and not mean it. I do it all the time: I don't think I ever meant it.
Marge: Bart, that's not right.
Bart: Sorry Mom... See? It's that easy.

Dude, Where's My Ranch? [14.18]

Moe: [on radio, to tune of "More, More, More"]
Moe, Moe, Moe,
How do you like me? How do you like me?
Moe, Moe, Moe,
Why don't you like me? Nobody likes me...

Homer: Look at those city slickers with their stupid fur coats and pointy hats!
Marge: Homer, those are elk.
Homer: Well, I still hate them. Go back to Grosse Pointe!

Old Yeller Belly [14.19]

Homer: Don't worry son, I'll build you a new treehouse--One so grand it'll be an affront to God himself.
Bart: Can it have a ladder you can pull up after you?
Homer: Only if it's an affront to God.

Homer: Marge, prepare the emergency ham!
Marge: There is no ham.
Homer: (After falling) D'oh.

Brake My Wife, Please [14.20]

Moe: Maybe this is a sign. Maybe it's time for me to get out of the alcohol buisness, give barber college another try. And this time, I won't join a frat! [Looks around, realizes no one is there] Who am I talking to?

Homer: Psst. Bishop to Queen-4."
Old Man:"We're playing Dominoes."
Homer:"I said 'Bishop to Queen-4."

Bart of War [14.21]

Ralph Wiggum: [Gets thrown through The Simpsons' window with a note] I'm a brick!

Homer: What!? How could those stupid jarheads win?
Lisa: Who would want candy filled with laxatives?

Moe Baby Blues [14.22]

Toy Homer: I peed my pants....
Homer: I recorded that for private use!

Elmo Doll: *slaps Moe* No means no for Elmo!


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