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Up to date as of January 14, 2010

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For other uses of "The Simpsons", see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

The Simpsons season 17.


Bonfire of the Manatees [17.01]

Homer: All right! I'll let you shoot your gay adult film at my house.
Fat Tony: I never said anything about gay.
Homer: I thought you guys were the gay mafia.
(Homer is once again hit with the hammers)
Homer: Ow!

Diner Cook: Oh yes. Senora left with a rugged yet sensitive man of science.
Homer: (worried) Rugged? Is that the same thing as 'handsome'?
Diner Cook: Oh no. Handsome means he looks at himself in the mirror. Rugged means you look at him.
Homer: (groans)

The Girl Who Slept Too Little [17.02]

Marge: Whatever happened to please and thank you?
Homer: I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.

Homer: Lisa, when you've sustained as many blows to the head as I have, consistency becomes a.. something... something.. I love you Bart!

Milhouse of Sand and Fog [17.03]

[Maggie has chickenpox]
Marge: Homer, don't touch her!, you've never had chickenpox.
Homer: I know, and you did and you're great.
Marge: Oh, I'm just saying it's very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile, down there.
Homer: Ugh, you always gotta work blue don't you Marge?
Homer leaves, but pokes his head through
Homer: You're better than that.

Bart: Mom, Dad, I'd give a kajillion dollars for you two to get back together.
Homer: Make it 2 kajillion.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: We'll lose the first kajillion to taxes.

Treehouse of Horror XVI [17.04]

Dr.Hibbert: I'm afraid that your son is in a deep coma, and may never wake up.
Homer: Well, at least he's not dead.
Dr.Hibbert: I should say so. This way I can bill you every day!

(After getting shot in manhunt, Apu is reincarnated into a rabbit)
Apu: Ha ha! You can't kill a Hindu!
(Hops into a bear trap.)
Apu: AH! Help me, Jesus!

Marge's Son Poisoning [17.05]

Marge: (to Bart) The last thing I want is for you to turn into that! (Points to Principal Skinner)
Principal Skinner: (Looks behind him) What? The wall?

[Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney stand outside the Simpsons' house and sing My Sharona]
Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) Ooh, my little pretty one, my pretty one. When you gonna give me some time, Sharona. Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run. Got it comin' off of the line, Sharona. Never gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind. I always get it up for the touch of the younger kind. My, my, my, aye-aye, whoa!
[A trophy is thrown through the window at the bullies.]
Homer: [offscreen] That song is a pop music footnote. [pause] I didn't say stop.
Jimbo/Dolph/Kearney: (singing) M-m-m-my Sharona!

See Homer Run [17.06]

Quimby: Who the hell are you?
Quimby's Nephew: Your press secretary.
Quimby: I knew I should have hired my nephew!
Quimby's Nephew: I am your nephew.
Quimby: Okay, so I stink! Tough Toblerone! Read the charter people! I can't be removed from office... except by a simple recall election... please disregard that last part!

Homer: I will run for mayor!
Lisa: And I'll be your campaign manager!
Homer: And I'll find out what a Mayor does! (Gets some Beer) Expand my brain, learning juice!

The Last of the Red Hat Mamas [17.07]

Marge: My husband has forgot our last three anniversaries, he made a badminton net out of my wedding dress, which he never uses, and last week, he called out his bowling ball's name during sex!!!

Homer: Wait a minute, if she's going bird watching then why did she leave her Peterson's Guide to Bird Watching? (Looks inside) (gasps) Road Runners are real?

The Italian Bob [17.08]

Brandine: [to Cletus] You are the most wonderful husband - and son - I ever had.

Homer: (Upon hearing that Sideshow Bob has a wife and son) Holy moly! I always thought you were, you know, out loud and proud.
Sideshow Bob: Well, I experimented in college, as one does.
Homer: Yeah, I never went to college.
Sideshow Bob [sarcastic] Stop the presses.

Simpsons Christmas Stories [17.09]

Homer as Joseph: A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!

Caligatus Lou: Gee, chief, I feel pretty bad trying to take out a baby.
Centurion Wiggum: Ah, don't worry, boys. No one will ever speak or write of this again.
(we then see Matthew, with a scroll entitled "The Gospel According to Matthew")
Matthew (begins writing): What a boffo beginning for my book!

Homer's Paternity Coot [17.10]

We're on the Road to D'ohwhere [17.11]

Bart: I'll cut you a deal, I'll give you Milhouse.
Principal Skinner: (upclose) I don't want Milhouse.
Milhouse: Sounds like my parents custody hearing.

Lisa: (to Maggie, after receiving phone calls from Homer and Marge, both asking for bail money) Well, Maggie. I always knew that someday it would boil down to just you and me. I'll look for work in the morning.

My Fair Laddy [17.12]

Bart:(addressing Willie) That job has been taken by the lower guy on the totem pole.

Mr. Largo:(Having the tractor on top of the school) How did I get up here?!

The Seemingly Never-Ending Story [17.13]

Burns: I had to start up from the bottom to get my fortune back. And to get to the bottom, I had to work my way up from Moe's.

Moe (retelling the story of his tragic romance with Edna): I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called 'Up Yours, Moe.'

Moe Barney, how do you keep getting back in?

Barney: I'm a drunk, I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.'

Bart Has Two Mommies [17.14]

Marge: Where's Bart? I haven't seen him since you came home.
Homer: [Sarcastically'] Oh, you haven't seen Bart for a few hours, so you automatically assume I let something terrible happen.
Marge: I didn't say that.
Homer: [still sarcastic] I know what you think... when stupid Homer wasn't looking, Bart got kidnapped by a monkey.
Marge: [concerned] I could never think of something that horrible!
Homer: [still sarcastic] And now I'm using sarcasm to confess the whole thing, so later I can say that I already told you!
Marge: Sorry I asked. [leaves.]
Lisa: Dad, you can't keep this up for long.
Homer: [still sarcastic] Oh, you're so right, I guess I should be more concerned with Bart's safety than covering my own butt! And maybe I'm talking like this, because I can't stop! HELP ME LISA! I HAVE SERIOUS MENTAL PROBLEMS!

Nelson: [in response to Lisa's revelation of Mr. Teeny being born in Africa]That's a lie! Mr. Teeny was born in Crazytown, Krusty said so.
Lisa: Nelson, Crazytown doesn't exist!
Nelson: Aww, I wanted to live on Coo-coo Corner.

Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife [17.15]

Homer: All right, pal. I've made a diagram of all the places on Marge you're not allowed to touch. (shows diagram) Especially the hair!
Charles: Oh, not to worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man myself. Bit different...bit weird...not sexual.
Homer: You take forever to say nothing.

Charles: Where is she? Where is that soul sucking she-beast I call sweetums?

Million Dollar Abie [17.16]

Homer (angrily): You're a useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.
Abe: I watch the baby.
Marge: Where is the baby?
Abe (surprised): You left me with a baby?!?

Abe: A doctor?! I already got enough doctors touching me and poking me and squeezing me up here and jiggling me down there, and that's just the receptionist!

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore [17.17]

Comic Book Guy (after Richard is kidnapped): He's gone!
Doug: There must be a Stargate in this room!
Benjamin: Everybody look for it!
Comic Book Guy: Wait! I have some even more exciting news! There's a girl in the audience!
Benjamin: Everybody look for her!
(the nerds close in on Willie)
Willie: This isn't a skirt! It's a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
Squeaky Voiced Teen: You're the closest we'll ever get!

Bart: So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, and thinks he's a god, and broken off all contact with the outside world?
Smithers: I told you Simpson was a poor choice, sir.
Mr. Burns: You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!

The Wettest Stories Ever Told [17.18]

Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. (pauses for a moment) Too bad I don't know any.
Lisa: I know one, about the most important sea voyage in American history — the journey of the Mayflower.
Sea Captain: Aw, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.
Lisa: Not prostitutes, Protestants.
Sea Captain: Now who's being naive?

Captain Seymour Bligh (over speaker): Welcome to Day 718 of our voyage. First off, in an attempt to preserve water, you will not be given any water. (crew groans) And also, because of a sketch of myself having romantic congress with a mer-man (shows the offending picture) I am dumping all your mail from home into the sea. (Willie does so) And I can assure you that there were cookies in there. Good cookies, the kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could bake.
Second Officer Milhouse: My father's alive?
Seymour Bligh: No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter.

Girls Just Want To Have Sums [17.19]

Principal Skinner [phonily]: Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes, they're all the same.
Edna Krabappel [arms crossed]: Are you saying that men and women are identical?
Skinner: Oh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way.
Lindsay Nagel [arms crossed]: Now he's saying women and men aren't equal!
Skinner [getting nervous]: No, no, no! It's the differences...of which there are none, that make the sameness...exceptional! [desperately] Just tell me what to say!
[Skinner hyperventilates and faints]

[Homer and Marge are in bed.]
Homer: So... do you wanna... "wang chung" tonight?
Marge: I don't know. I'm still frowny with you. Do you really think women are mentally inferior?
Homer [shifting his eyes nervously]: Well, uh, uh, honey, you're just as smart as a man. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm doing it with a dude.
[Marge groans, then scene cuts to Homer sleeping on the couch]
Homer: Oh. Well, I won't be lonely. I can always cuddle with the dog. [cuddles Santa's Little Helper] Mmm. At least everyone knows I'm smarter than you!
[scene cuts to Homer sleeping in the doghouse]
Homer: Oh, how did this happen?

Regarding Margie [17.20]

Homer: When will Marge remember us?
Dr. Hibbert: It's hard to say. With retrograde amnesia such as this, the patient could forget years and years of her life. You just have to keep jogging her memory until it works.
Homer: Awww! Jogging?
Dr. Hibbert: I didn't say you should be jogging.
Homer: Sweet!
Dr. Hibbert: Although you should be jogging.
Homer: Aww! Jogging?

Homer: See that ball of fire? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's Lantern, day moon, Old Blazey. The important thing is never to touch it.
Marge: I know what the sun is!
Homer: Yes, now you do.

The Monkey Suit [17.21]

Marge: Go on Maggie, it's safe to pick up the deadly weapons
(Maggie picks up a pen-knife, the blade very nearly hits Marge's eye)
Marge: Oh! A mugger! I'll hand over all my hugs and kisses --
(Maggie holds up the knife and points it at Marge, with a evil smile on her face)
Marge: OK, be cool. I've got some candy in my purse...

Todd: Daddy, was mommy a monkey? I can't remember.
Ned: (yelling) No one was ever a monkey! Everything is what it was and always will be! God put us here and that's that!
Todd: But you said a stork brought me.
Ned: Uh, that was God disguised as a stork.
Rod: Who brings baby storks?
Ned: There's no such thing as storks, it's all God!
Todd: (praying in front of a statue of a stork) Please bless daddy and mommy...
Ned: Stop praying to that stork!

Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play [17.22]

Homer: We've been through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together!

Lisa: I wonder why Mom and Dad are doing marriage counseling. If you listen closely, you can here them arguing now. (they then listen closely)
Homer: (in distance) And I say a monkey can mow our lawn!

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