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The Simpsons Season 2



Bart Gets an F [2.01]

Otto: Hey, Bart Dude. Woah, you look freaked!
Bart: Otto, man, I have a test today that I'm not ready for! Could you please crash the bus or something?
Otto: Sorry, Bart Dude. Can't do it on purpose. But hey, maybe you'll get lucky!
Bart{to himself}: No need to panic. Just find a nerd and sponge answers and boom, I'm back on Easy Street!
[Bart sees Sherri and Terri in the distance. Grinning, he makes his way over to them.]
Terri: Look at him. I'll be he didn't study again!
Sherri: And now he's gonna try to get answers from us.
Terri: He's pathetic!
Bart: Good morning, girls!
Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.
Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?
Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.
Bart: And where'd they land?
Terri: Sunny Acapulco.
Bart: And why'd they leave England?
Sherri: Giant rats.
Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!
[The bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. As the students disembark, Martin Prince approaches Bart.]
Martin: As a natural enemy, I don't know why I should care. But the information you received regarding America's colonial period is erronious.
Bart: Meaning....
Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do!
Bart: Thanks for the pep talk...

Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids!

Simpson and Delilah [2.02]

[Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]
Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!
Sales clerk: Hmm... well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However...
[He pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker]
Sales clerk:I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.

Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY... MUST... DIE!
Bart: I love you, Dad!
Homer: D'oh! [stops strangling] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!
Bart: It is?!

Treehouse of Horror [2.03]

Marge: Homer! What's this thing in the corner?
Homer: I don't know.
Lisa: It looks like a vortex -- a gateway into another dimension.
Homer: Ooh, a vortex. [Throwing an orange into the vortex] Catch! Hey pretty slick.
[the vortex spits out a piece of wadded-up paper]
Lisa: [reading] "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension!"

Narrator: Quoth the raven-
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.
Bart: Okay, okay.

Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]

[As Bart and Lisa quietly fish, a strange man approaches them.]
Man: So, caught anything?
Lisa: Not yet, sir.
Man: What are you using for bait?
Lisa: My brother is using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.
Man: I see. What's your name, son?
Bart: I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?
Man: (chuckling) I'm Dave Shutton, an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot. And I must say that in my day, we didn't speak that way to our elders!
Bart: Well this is my day, and we do, sir.

Mr. Burns: Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Dancin' Homer [2.05]

Homer: For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing towards me!

(Looking at a "Dancin' Homer" T-shirt)
Marge: A Simpson on a T-shirt, I thought I'd never see the day.

Dead Putting Society [2.06]

Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?!
Marge: Oh, uh, we're all out, Homer.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?
Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!

Homer: All right, knock it off!
Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?
Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!
Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!
Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!

Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]

Lisa: [writing a poem]
I saw the best meals of my generation
Destroyed by the madness of my brother.
My soul carved in slices
By spiky-haired demons.

[Homer tries to watch a football game when he sees Bart smothering Lisa with a sofa cushion.]
Homer: Bart! Stop fighting with your sister!
Bart: Hey, man! She took my glue!
Lisa: It's not yours, Bart! This is family glue!
Homer: Stop it, you two! This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then nobody will have any glue to glue with!

Bart the Daredevil [2.08]

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.
Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.
Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.
Bart: What?

Lance Murdock: It's always nice to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, son, a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy - and maybe they're right! But I want to tell you three things: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!

Itchy & Scratchy & Marge [2.09]

[Marge is writing a letter to the producers of Itchy and Scratchy]
Marge: Dear purveyors of senseless violence, I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way. Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.

Roger Meyers, Jr.: [in response to Marge's letter] Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy & Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat-and-mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...
Marge [reading the letter out loud] And the horse I rode in on? I'll show them what one screwball can do!

Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10]

Homer: He's awake!
Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.
Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. You, I've never seen before.
Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.
Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Homer: Ooh, classy.

[After Marge ruins the case and the million dollars for Homer. Mr. Burns and his lawyers meet with Homer and Mr. Hutz in the back room.]
Mr. Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the previous number but I think you'll find it acceptable. [Writes a big zero and hands it to Homer]
Hutz: I think we should take it.
Homer: Ohhhhh.

One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11]

Master Chef: [car sounds horn] Ah, she's here. Cover for me.
Akira: One Fugu.
Toshiro: No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's-
Akira: Yes, yes, I know it's poisonous, but if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.
Toshiro: I must get to the master. [heads out to the alley, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside.]
Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair is so alluring...
Toshiro: Master, we need you back in the kitchen.
Master Chef: I said cover for me, damn it!
Toshiro: But Master, we need your skilled hands!
Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy, YOU DO IT!

[Homer is brought to the hospital after eating the fugu.]
Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.
Homer: [yelling] Why you little!
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.
Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

The Way We Was [2.12]

Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery.
[He hits the TV, and it goes blank.]
Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!
Homer: Pffft, English, who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke!

[Homer tries to ask Marge to the Prom.]
Homer: Look, I'm not asking you to like me. I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies. I'm just asking you to be fair.

Flashback Homer: Marge I have a problem. When you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you. And kiss you. And I'll never be able to let you go.
Present Homer: And I never have.

Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13]

[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]
Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?
Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?
Bart: Hell.
Homer: BART!
Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell now can I?
Homer: Kids got a point Marge.
Bart: Hell yes!
Marge: Bart.
Bart: [sings]Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.
Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.
Marge: Don't give up, When you love somebody, you have to have faith that in the end, they will do the right thing.

Principal Charming [2.14]

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?
Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.
Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.
Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

Marge: You will find Selma a man!
Homer: All right.
Marge: And not just any man.
Homer: Okay!
Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.
Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15]

Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.
Homer: What is it, Dad?
Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.
Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

Homer: And our three children: Bart, Lisa and Maggie.
Bart: Hello, sir.
Lisa: Hello, Mr. Powell.
Herbert: Hello, kids. [to Homer, quietly] All born in wedlock?
Homer: [quietly] Yeah, though the boy was a close call.

[Homer walks in looking dejected.]
Herb: Hey, Homer! How's your car coming?
Homer: Okay, I guess. They were putting in an onboard something-or-other and rack-and-peanut steering.
Herb: Homer, did you ask for rack-and-pinion steering?
Homer: I think so.
Herb: How could you? You don't even know what it is. You just called it "rack-and-peanut" steering!

Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16]

Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.
Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.
Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...
Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Bart: Now... Sit! I said, Sit! Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. See? He does exactly what I tell him.

Mrs. Winthrop: (Very sweetly) Most of you know that with a little love and compassion, any puppy can grow up to be a cuddly little bundle of joy. (Suddenly angry) STUFF AND NONSENSE taught by charlatans and learned by bloody twits! Let me tell you the two most important words you will ever hear in your life - "choke chain!" (She puts the chain around Santa's Little Helper's neck) You raise a dog the same way you would raise a child: with simple, authoritative commands. LAY DOWN! (Santa's Little Helper doesn't respond) Followed by immediate correction! (She tugs the chain. Santa's Little Helper yelps and collapses on the ground.)
Martin: How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively?
Mrs. Winthrop: The dog's eyes will bulge and his tongue will protrude and change color ever so slightly.
Bart: Is my dog dead, Ma'am?
Mrs. Winthrop: (laughing) You don't know how often I'm asked that! "Choke chain" is a misnomer. Trust me, they are always breathing.

Old Money [2.17]

Marge: You know, we'll be old someday.
Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?
Bart: Well...
Homer: Aaah!

Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

Brush with Greatness [2.18]

[Homer reacting to his weight.]
Homer: Oh my God, it's 260 pounds! I'm a big fat pig!
Marge: Now Homer, you do have big bones.
Homer: Marge, nobody gains thirty pounds of bone!

Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!
Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.
[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea]
Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]
Smithers: Right, sir. It's... scalding me as we speak.

[Meanwhile, somewhere in Liverpool]
Ringo Starr: Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966, me favourite colour is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
Weatherby: Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.
Ringo: Just set it over there.
Weatherby: Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
Ringo: Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years. I'm going to answer every one of them. [picks up a large envelope] Hello, what's this? From Springfield, U.S.A. [sees painting of him] Gear!

Lisa's Substitute [2.19]

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad--
Lisa: Not mine.
Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish--
Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.

Homer: What are you moping about?!
Lisa: Nothing.
Marge: Lisa, tell your father.
Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left.
Homer: [uninterested] Oh?
Lisa: He's gone...forever.
Homer: And...?
Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.
Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

The War of the Simpsons [2.20]

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]
Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Marge: Thank you, Doctor.
Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."

Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21]

Comic Book Guy: Tell you what. I'm gonna show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there. (Opening a metal suitcase) Behold!
Bart: Wow! Radioactive Man #1!
Comic Book Guy: None other!
Bart: It must be worth a million bucks...
Comic Book Guy: It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for $100, because you remind me of me.

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.
Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.
Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!
Bart: ([Daniel Stern's voice, à la The Wonder Years) Me? Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.] I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.
Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?
Bart: Uh, nothing. ([Daniel Stern continues]) He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we-
Homer: Bart! Stop it!
Bart: Sorry.

Bart: Ugh! I am through with working! Working is for chumps.
Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out!

Blood Feud [2.22]

Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
[sign lights up, "Relax. Everything is fine."]
Crowd: Ooh. [applause]
[sign lights up, "Minor leak. Roll up window."]
Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]
[sign lights up, "Meltdown. Flee city."]
Crowd: [scattered applause]
[sign lights up, "Core explosion. Repent sins."]
Crowd: [stunned silence]
Homer: [snickers] Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign!

[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]
Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!
Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.
Homer: Amen to that!
[The family laughs]

This piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education's 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece. It can be found online (page 10-11).


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