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The Simpsons Season 4

Contents

Kamp Krusty [4.01]

Homer: Son. If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Quiet! They're gonna announce the lottery numbers.

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
Dolph: Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02]

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Bart: Are there any jive talking robots in the play?
Marge: No.
Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity?
Marge: No Homer.


Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney at law. I'm filing a class action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch.

Homer the Heretic [4.03]

Marge: Homer, don't make me chose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
Homer: There you are. Always taking someone else's side; Flanders, the water department, God...

[God just appeared in Homer's dream ripping the roof off his house. Homer is surprised]
Homer: God?
God: [points finger at Homer] THOU HAST FORSAKEN MY CHURCH!
Homer: But Lord, I am not a bad man. I work hard and provide for the welfare of my family. So why should I be forced to spend half my Sunday listening about how I am going to Hell anyway?
God: You have a good point there. Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does Saint Louis still have a team?
Homer: No. They moved to Phoenix.

Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04]

Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. [sings] There once was an ugly duckling...
Lisa: [frowning] So you think I'm ugly?!
Marge: No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks [looks uncertain] that makes fun of the ugly one. Mmmm...

Kent Brockman: The father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write in this space" he wrote "OK."

Treehouse of Horror III [4.05]

[Homer has agreed to purchase a Krusty doll for Bart's birthday at a creepy shop]
Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: [worried] Ooooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: [worried] That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: [relieved] That's good.
Shopkeeper: The toppings contains Potassium Benzoate.
Homer: [stares]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Mr. Burns: [about bringing Marge along on their voyage] What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and seamen don't mix.
Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

Lisa: Thank God we didn't turn into a bunch of mindless zombies.
Bart: Shhh! TV!
[The family stare blankly at the television. A thud is heard, followed by a laugh track.]
Homer: Man... fall down. Funny.
Family: Mmmmmm...

Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06]

Marge: We're going to school for the Parent/Teacher meetings. We'll bring dinner home.
Lisa: What are you going to bring home?
Homer: Well it depends. If both of you have been good, pizza. If not then poison.
Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
Bart: Poisoned pizza?
Homer: Oh no! I'm not making two stops.

Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer: Now who's being naïve?

Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
Bart: Not bloody likely.
Homer: No, it's true! When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my Dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage!
Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer: I like stories!

Marge Gets a Job [4.07]

Smithers: This résumé is very impressive. Let me be the first to say Abibu gazini.
Marge: What?
Smithers: "Welcome aboard." I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.

Mr Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office. Right next to mine! [laughs]
Smithers: But sir, that's my office!
Mr Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.
[At a men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals with a toothbrush.]
Smithers: Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?
[Homer bursts in and unzips his fly.]
Homer: Aw man, I really gotta....
Smithers: NOOOOOOOOO!

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck! You're sexual harassment case is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice! (he produces a bottle from his desk) Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning!
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. (he takes a generous swig) Last chance! (Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle) Oh, yeah....

New Kid on the Block [4.08]

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]
Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE MONSTERS! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
[On the other end of the line...]
Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.
[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]
Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... put it down...

Homer: You see, son, a woman is a lot like... err... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds... they... make ice... uhhh... oh! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drains his beer] But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! [runs to the fridge]
[Many beers later...]
Homer: (drunkenly) And I say, "Oh, yeah? Well if want that money, come and find it, 'cause I don't know where it is ya baloney! You make me wanna retch!" (He passes out)

Mr. Plow [4.09]

Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a a job for me.
Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] forty five minutes ago!
Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Lisa's First Word [4.10]

Bart: What was my first word?
Marge: Hmmm...
[Flashback to baby Bart walking on his parents having sex]
Baby Bart: Ay caramba!
[Returns to present]
Marge: I don't think I remember.

Marge: I'm afraid we're gonna need a bigger house.
Homer: No, we won't. I got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11]

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: Meh. [shrugs].

Homer: Don't worry Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

Krusty: Hey hey! [Goofy laugh]
Homer [Grunts in pain, clutching his chest.]
Krusty: Hey, what's the matter? Oh, right. My grotesque appearence!
Homer: Krusty, what are you doing here?
Krusty: Eh, it's part of my public service for my "Glug, glug, vroom, vroom, thump thump."
Homer: Well, I could use a laugh.
Krusty: Well, there's nothing funny about what you're about to go through. I know! [Takes off his shirt, revealing a pacemaker scar] I'm in the "Zipper Club" myself! [Lights a cigarette]
Homer: You seem pretty healthy.
Krusty: Yeah? Well I got news for ya: this ain't makeup!

Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12]

[Marge, suspicious of Lyle Lanley, decides to take a long drive to investigate, and recall thoughts aired during the town meeting]
Lyle Lanley: I have sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook...
Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.
[Marge arrives in North Haverbrook. She sees a sign that says "Welcome to North Haverbrook, Where the Monorail is King!" Marge sees decrepit houses, old rusted cars and tumbleweeds. Marge hardly sees any people save for a crazy old lady in a rocking chair on her front porch]
Old Lady: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Marge then goes to the town center to investigate the monorail, and is shocked to see a crumbling track and a wrecked monorail]
Woman: Go away, lady! There ain't no monorail here and there never was! [Woman slams her window shut, which reads "Monorail Café". A strange looking man approaches Marge, which startles her]
Sebastian Cobb: I am sorry, I should not have stalked you like that. My name is Sebastian Cobb. I was hired by Lyle Lanley to build this monorail. This is the monorail, one of the crappiest trains ever built. Lanley cuts corners like no fraud has ever done. The brakes were removed, the electrical system was gutted, and the celebrity for its maiden voyage was Gallagher!

Marge: How fast are they going?
Homer: Eeeeeyaaaaaaai! [super fast as monorail whizzes by platform]
Cobb: [looking at watch] Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, a hundred eighty miles an hour.

Selma's Choice [4.13]

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.
Lisa: I understand.
Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Marge: Homer, quit pouting!
Homer: I'm not pouting! I'm mourning! ...Stupid dead woman.

(Two security guards come in, escorting Lisa, pale, edgy, and clad in only a towel)

Security Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
Lisa: I am the Lizard Queen!
[A man in a lab coat hands Selma a couple of pills.]
Man: Give her this... (a couple more pills) Then this... (a whole pocketful of pills) And then these.
Selma: Mmmm... thank you, doctor.
Man: Oh, I'm not a doctor.


Bart and Homer: On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball... Marge: If you dont mind, we're on our way to a funeral! Homer: Ding dong the witch is dead!


Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone. Selma: Her legend will live forever. Homer (in his head): Yeah legend of the dog-faced woman. Homer (out loud): He he he dog faced woman, oh that's good.

(after homer ends up in an alligator's mouth while doing a children's maze) Waitress: Another placemat, sir? Homer (very sophisticated while looking down his nose): Please.

Selma: How do you do it, Homer? Homer: Well, you take an ordinary bed sheet and tie it like this...

Brother from the Same Planet [4.14]

Pepi: Your son Bart sounds very bad.
Homer: Oh, he is.
[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table.]
Homer: Son, I just want to say that I love you very much.
Bart: (picks up his grapefruit & hits Homer's face with it) SHADDUP!
[Back in reality.]
Homer: Mmmm.... grapefruit.

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.
[shot of Godzilla appears in the background.]
Kent Brockman: Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right we could use some names. "I.P Freely." Uh... GRRR!


Homer: I love you pepsi. Pepi: pepi.

Homer: You've been out galavanting with that floosy of a big brother of yours... havent you, havent you... look at me!

I Love Lisa [4.15]

[Ralph is with his father at home, and wants to know how to get Lisa's attention. Chief Wiggum is breaking nuts out of their shells.]
Ralph: Dad, how do you get a girl to like you?
Chief Wiggum: Son, (cracks a nut with the butt of his revolver) whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence; (cracks a nut) keep at it, and never lose your cool.
[Chief Wiggum tries to crack a third nut, but the shell doesn't break.]
Chief Wiggum: (losing patience) Ah, come on, you stupid...!
[Chief Wiggum loads his gun up and shoots the nut.]
Chief Wiggum: (angrily) Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts!

[Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over]
Homer: Is there a problem, officer?
Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.
Homer: Where?!
Chief Wiggum: [Smashing a tail-light] Right there.
Homer: [Angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!
Chief Wiggum: [Alarmed] They are?! Oh no! Have they set a date?!

Duffless [4.16]

[at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]
Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to!
Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!
Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the Court made me come.
Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you´ll never touch a beer again.

[Homer screams and jumps through the window]


[Watching Ralph's "alcohol fueled Car" science fair display]
Homer: Hmm, alcohol fueled car....
[Within a thought, Homer is fueling an alcohol fueled car at a gas station]
Homer: One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me! [pumps fuel into his mouth] One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me! [pumps fuel into his mouth]

Last Exit to Springfield [4.17]

Dr. Wolfe: how often do you brush, Ralph?
Ralph: Three times a day, sir.
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?
Ralph: You're right. I don't brush. [starts to cry] I don't brush!
Dr. Wolfe: Let's look at a picture book. The "Big Book of British Smiles."
[Dr. Wolfe takes out a book and shows Ralph page after page of decaying, rotten British smiles.]
Ralph: [crying] That's enough! That's enough.

Factory Worker: You can't treat the working man this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Burns's Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
Mr. Burns: [to Smithers, in the present] If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show [4.18]

[Just a moment before Homer opens the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]
Bart: April f- (An explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud.)
(Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car)
Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
(Wiggum gets out of the car)
Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Lou: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Bart: Dad, it was my fault. I shook up that can of beer. I'm sorry.
[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger]
Homer: WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! [Grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

The Front [4.19]

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late thirties! The writers should be ashamed of themselves!
Bart: Cartoons have writers?
Lisa: Eh, sort of.

Lisa: (to Grampa) So, we wrote the cartoon, put your name on it and sent it in.
Bart: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?
Grampa: I figured, cause the Democrats were in power again.

Whacking Day [4.20]

[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for Mountain Bikes.]
Nelson: Hey what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?
[Principal Skinner shows up.]
Skinner: Sorry about the ruse gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy! [closes the door and locks them in.]
Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?
Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?

[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place but Lisa wants a stop to the killing]
Lisa: Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?
Grandpa: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock! Ooh, it's on now!
Lisa: Mrs Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?
Mrs Glick: Snakes did.
Bart: And you love snakes, don't you Mr White?
Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Hooo baby.

Marge in Chains [4.21]

Ned: Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity!

Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of... delicious bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!

Krusty Gets Kancelled [4.22]

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check to audience].
Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

Gabbo: Now it's time for another one of Gabbo's Crank Calls! Oh I love these!
Bart: I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty.
Lisa: Yeah well Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.
Grandpa: Well everythings stolen nowadays. Why the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.







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