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The Simpsons Season 6



Bart of Darkness [6.01]

(after hearing a woman scream from inside Flanders's house, Bart looks outside and sees him digging a hole in his yard)
Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation!
Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!
Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.
Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler!
Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Automated phone: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department "Rescue Phone"! If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered, or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.
[Bart presses four numbers on the phone]
Automated phone: You have selected "regicide!" If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered, press one.
[Bart hangs up]

Lisa's Rival [6.02]

Homer: (spoken with strong Cuban accent) In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Homer: And you said I wouldn't make any money! I found a dollar while waiting for the bus!
Marge: While you were out "earning" that dollar, you lost $80 by not going into work today. The plant called and said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Another Simpsons Clip Show [6.03]

Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Marge enters (in reused footage from earlier episode)
Marge: How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?
Bart: It's a new episode.
Lisa: Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.
Bart: (switches to new footage) Really?
Lisa: Ren & Stimpy do it all the time.
Marge: Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy?

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Itchy & Scratchy Land [6.04]

Lisa: Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?
Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought, fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

[Lisa bursts into Marge and Homer's bedroom, dragging an unconscious Bart in a wheelbarrow behind her.]
Lisa: Mom! Dad! Bart's dead!
[Marge and Homer sit up and gasp. Bart sits up in the wheelbarrow.]
Bart: That's right! "Dead" serious about going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!

Homer: Ah, the Interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids: we're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land!
[Pulls up to highway... which is gridlocked]
Everyone: D'oh!
Homer: Don't worry, I've got an ace up my sleeve.
[honks horn]

Sideshow Bob Roberts [6.05]

Sideshow Bob: I'm in jail for a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! "Attempted murder?" I mean, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for "attempted chemistry"? [someone throws a toilet that nearly hits Bob] Oh, really now! This is a personal call!

Lisa: This is hopeless. They're gonna demolish our house for sure. We're gonna have to move into a Motel 6.
Bart: But Dad can't afford six dollars a night!

Bart's Girlfriend [6.06]

[Bart walks past the kitchen table with Snowball II stuck to his back.]
Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

Bart's Brain: Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.
Bart: I --
Helen Lovejoy: -- took the money? Yes, we know.
Moe: He confessed!
Bart: O-K!
[Jumps out the window]

Treehouse of Horror V [6.07]

[Marge discovers that Homer has written "No Beer and No TV Make Homer Go Crazy" all over the house]
Homer: What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I'm thinking of calling it "No Beer and No TV Make Homer... something something".
Marge: [fearfully] Go crazy?

[Homer chops through a door with an axe]
Homer: Here's Johnny! [notices the room is empty] D'oh! [chops through a different door] Daaaavid Lettermaaan! [sees grandpa]
Abe: Hi David, I'm Grandpa.
Homer: D'oh!
[Homer chops through a different door with a ticking clock in hand]
Homer: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!!

Lisa on Ice [6.08]

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.

[Lisa scores a point]
Homer: I love Lisa!
[Bart scores a point]
Homer: I mean, I love Bart!
[Marge arrives with a tray of beers]
Homer: Beer! Oh, Marge, I love you!

Homer: Bad Man [6.09]

TV announcer: "Tonight on FOX, Homer Simpson, Portrait of an Assgrabber," starring Dennis Franz.
Homer: Ooh, "Portrait," sounds classy!
[On TV, a car drives erratically down the street. A crazed Dennis Franz is behind the wheel. He is about to drive over a cat.]
Ashley: No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature!
Dennis Franz as Homer: I don't care!
[He hits the cat, who screeches loudly. He stops the car and eyes Ashley lustfully.]'
Dennis Franz as Homer: Now I'm gonna grab me some sweet!
Ashley: Mr. Simpson, that's sexual harassment! If you keep it up, I'll scream so loud the whole country will hear!
Dennis Franz as Homer: With a man in the White House? Not likely! Scream as loud as you want, baby!

Homer: Marge, kids. everything's gonna be just fine. Now go up stairs pack your bags, we're gonna start a new life... under the sea. (sighs)
[Fantasy based on the "Under the Sea" number from "The Little Mermaid."]
Homer: [singing] Under the sea! Under the sea! (eats three fish) there'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans under the sea!
(Seahorses swim inside his mouth. Homer then eats a lobster, two dancing slugs, a snail. He ends the fantasy surrounded by several fish skeletons. Back to reality...)
Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: move under the sea. It's not gonna happen!
Homer: Not with that attitude!

Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy [6.10]

Lisa: I found the new Al Gore book.
Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."
Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".

Grampa: Here you go, ya ingrate! Think of me when you're havin' the best sex of your life!

Fear of Flying [6.11]

(Shown walking up to a bar called The Little Black Box)
Homer: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.
Homer's Liver: Yay!
Homer: Shut up, liver!
(Homer punches his liver)
Homer: Ow! My liver hurts!

Airport Worker: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?
(all of the pilots stand up, trying to get his attention)
Airport Worker: Conditions are a little windy!
(all of the pilots who stood up sit down, leaving Homer standing)
Airport Worker: You! (points at Homer)
Homer: Me? But I...
Airport Worker: Hey! You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?
Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.
Airport Worker: (laughs) You flyboys, you crack me up!
(cuts to the cockpit of a plane)
Homer: But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!
Airport Worker: And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!
(forces Homer into room)

Homer the Great [6.12]

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

[Stonecutter's Song]

Who controls the British Crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do, we do!
Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
[Shows martian singing]We do, we do!
Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do, we do!
Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do, we do!

And Maggie Makes Three [6.13]

[Homer quits the power plant, grabbing Mr. Burns and playing his bald head like a bongo drum.]
Mr. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.
Quimby: This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.
Nurse: Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.
Quimby: My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]

[Homer holds Maggie for the first time.]
Homer: Awww, it's a boy! (Looking down) And what a boy!
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl!

Bart's Comet [6.14]

Arnie: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States congress.
Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of-
Congressman: Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill - $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill?
[entire congress boos]
Speaker: Bill defeated!
Kent Brockman: I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

As the comet approaches Springfield, it starts to shrink smaller and smaller, breaking apart until it is a mere pebble; thus causing no damage to Springfield
Lisa: I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against burned up the comet.
Bart: But what's really amazing is that this is exactly what dad said would happen.
Lisa: Yeah, dad was right.
Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too!

Homie the Clown [6.15]

[Lisa and Bart watch as Krusty does his "Loop-de-Loop Bike Eating" trick]
Lisa: When Krusty wants to, he can still blow 'em away!
Bart: He can take a simple, every day thing like eating a bicycle, and make it funny.

Homer has been abducted by the Springfield mafia on the mistaken basis he is Krusty, who owes debts
Homer: But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson!
Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through our club?
Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble!
Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!
Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
Homer: Benedict Arnold!
Fat Tony: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
Homer: D'oh!

Bart vs. Australia [6.16]

Australian man: You call that a knife? This is a knife!
Bart: That's not a knife. That's a spoon.
Australian man: All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

[As the family leaves the compound, they pass a sign reading "You are now entering Australia."]
Bart: Hey, G.I.Joe: your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.
Marine: Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir!
Homer: Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia...[hops over the line]...Now I'm in America...Australia! America!
Bart: I get it, Dad.
Homer: Australia! America!
Marge: Homer, that's enough!
Homer: Australia! America!
[The Marine decks Homer, knocking him down.]
Marine: Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!

Homer vs. Patty & Selma [6.17]

Stockbroker: Homer, you knuckle-beak! I told you a hundred times to sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween! Before!
Homer: All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one!

Patty: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?
Selma: Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope!

A Star is Burns [6.18]

[Two women are watching Barney's film about his alcoholism.]
Woman: It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender, he has the soul of a poet.
Barney: You're very kind.
Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die!

[In Barney's film...]
Barney: My name's Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.
[Camera pulls out to reveal that Barney is surrounded by little girls in scout uniforms, one of whom is Lisa.]
Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.
Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Lisa's Wedding [6.19]

Marge: Remember, in England, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Homer: I've got to call everyone and tell them the good news! [picks up the receiver, but gets a busy signal] What the... ? Maggie, I need to use the phone! [upstairs, Maggie rolls her eyes and hangs up] Doesn't that girl ever shut up?

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds [6.20]

Homer: Aww, so that's wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex!

(Mr. Burn's Song)

Some men hunt for sport
others hunt for food
The only thing I'm hunting for...
is an outfit that looks good
See my vest, see my vest
made from real gorilla chest
See this sweater? There's no better
than authentic Irish Setter
See this hat? 'Twas my cat
My evening wear vampire bat
These white slippers are albino
african endangered rhino
Grizzle-bear underwear
turtle's necks I've got my share
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest
Try my red robin suit
It comes one breast or two
See my vest, see my vest
See my vest!!
Like my loafers? Former gophers
It was that or skin my chauffeurs
But a greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best
So, let's prepare these dogs
(Old Woman) Kill two for matching clogs!
See my vest... See my vest!
Oh please, won't you see my vest!!

The PTA Disbands! [6.21]

Bart: Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.
Principal Skinner: She did?
Bart: Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Homer: Lousy teachers, trying to pawn off our kids on us!
Lisa: But, Dad, by striking they're trying to effect a change in management so that they can be happier and more productive.
Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

'Round Springfield [6.22]

[Bart makes his way to the nurse's office and finds Lunchlady Doris picking tounge depressors off the floor.]
Bart: Lunchlady Doris? What are you doing here?
Lunchlady Doris: Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.
[Cut to Groundskeeper Willie in French class with a beret on.]
Groundskeeper Willie Bun-jerrr, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

[Lisa finds a copy of "Sax on the Beach" at the comic book store. It's $250.]
Lisa: Two-hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that record to honor Bleeding Gums's memory!
Comic Book Guy: He's dead? Well why didn't you say so?
[Comic Book Guy marks out the $250 price tag and writes $500 in its place.]

The Springfield Connection [6.23]

Homer: When Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie... Spaceballs. But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie Police Academy.

(Marge is on the shooting range shooting cardboard cutouts of criminals and not shooting at civilians)

Chief Wiggum: You missed the baby, the blind guy...

Lemon of Troy [6.24]

Bart: Hey, quit sayin' bad stuff about my town, man!
Shelby: Why don't you make me?
Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it.
Shelby: Then I guess you're a garbage man.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Shelby: A garbage man.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Shelby: A garbage man.
Bart: I know you are, but what am I?
Shelby: A garbage man.
Bart: Takes one to know one!
Database: CHECK MATE!

Bart: That tree is a part of our history and, as kids, the backbone of our economy! We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead!!

Bart: Oh, it's no use. I'm never going to find that tree. This whole raid was as useless as that yellow, lemon-shaped rock over there. Wait a minute...there's a lemon behind that rock!

Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One) [6.25]

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out!
[He presses yet another button, raising a shield over the model town which blots out the sunlight.]
Smithers: [horrified] Good God!
Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long!
Smithers: But sir! Every plant and tree will die! Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting! The town's sundial will be useless! I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish.
Mr. Burns: [gasps] I will not tolerate this insubordination! There has been a shocking decline in the quantity *and* quality of your toadying, Waylon - and you will fall into line *now!*
Smithers: ...No. No Monty, I won't! Not until you step back from the brink of insanity!
Mr. Burns: I'll do no such thing! You're fired!
[Smithers leaves, dejected. Mr. Burns laughs evilly to himself and stomps through the scale model of the town like a giant monster.]
Mr. Burns: Take that, Bowlarama! Take that, Convinience Mart! Take that, Nuclear Power Pl......oh, fiddlesticks!

Bart: [finding a gun while helping Grandpa unpack] Wow!
Grandpa: That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded--
Marge: [walking in] Aah! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house! [takes it away]
Grandpa: How can you have a house without a gun?! What if a bear came through that door?!
Marge: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. [walks out]
Grandpa: [to Bart] Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!


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