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The Simpsons Season 8


Treehouse of Horror VII [8.01]

[Marge has given birth to identical Siamese Twins. One of them starts gnawing on the other's arm.]
Marge: I think I'll bottle-feed that one...
Doctor Hibbert: But what to do about poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys' Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. Until Mr. & Mrs. Simpson came up with the only humane action possible...
Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an untrained animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.
Marge: It saved our marriage!

George Stephanopoulos: [to Kodos] Uh, Mr. President, Sir. People are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.
Kodos: We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it!

You Only Move Twice [8.02]

Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this.

[presses a button causing a bridge to blow up in the background of the screen the gentlemen are visible in]

UN Man 1: [all the men look at the explosion] Oh My God, the Fifty-Ninth Street Bridge!
UN Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.
UN Man 1: We can't take that chance.
UN Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance!
Scorpio: [scoffs] Collapsed on its own--you sh...You have seventy-two hours. See ya.

Homer has just walked in on Scorpio, who is tuning a giant death ray.
Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?
Homer: France.
Scorpio: [laughs] Nobody ever says Italy.

The Homer They Fall [8.03]

Barney: You'd never get me in a ring - boxing causes brain damage. [drinks from a can of varnish]

Kent Brockman [after being booed by the crowd at the fight]: This just in: go to Hell!

Burns, Baby Burns [8.04]

Larry: What i'm trying to say is--
Mr. Burns: You're what, selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!
Larry: Well Mr. Burns, I'm your son! [Burns is shocked, Larry looks at his foot] Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

Mr. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.
Smithers: With pleasure, sir!

Bart After Dark [8.05]

Marge: Now the cat needs his medication--
Homer: No problem.
Marge: --every morning and the furnace--
Homer: Can do.
Marge: --has been putting off--
Homer: Right.
Marge: --a lot of carbon monoxide--
Homer: Uh-huh.
Marge: --so keep the window open.
Homer: Gotcha - cat in the furnace!
Marge: Hmm, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us. And if anything happens, just use your best judgm... mmm... just do what I would do.

Belle: [through intercom]: Who is it?
Ned: Er, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house?
Belle: Just a minute.

A Milhouse Divided [8.06]

Kirk: You're letting me go!?
Cracker Co. Foreman: Kirk. Crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without!
Kirk: So that's it? After twenty years, "So long, good luck?"
Cracker Co. Foreman: I don't recall saying, "Good luck."

Nelson: Hey, van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.
Milhouse: Aren't you gonna say, "Haw-haw!"?
Nelson: Oh, by no means. (sits down): My dad left my mom when she got hooked on cough drops. By the end (voice breaks), her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.
Milhouse: Oh, so I'm not alone.
Kearney: Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid (slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney), but he got over it.
Kearney's Son: I sleep in a drawer.

Lisa's Date with Density [8.07]

[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearny walk in on Lisa and Nelson kissing.]
Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl!
Jimbo: That is so gay!

Marge: Well most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters!
Lisa: What?
Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.
Lisa: Mom...?
Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.

Hurricane Neddy [8.08]

Lisa: Dad! I think a hurricane's coming!
Homer: Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away!

[Ned talks to God after his house is destroyed]

Ned: Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I...I..I feel like I wanna yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just...I...*sigh*.

El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer [8.09]

Bart: [sees Homer's figure in the lighthouse light] Hey Lis! Is that dad?
Lisa: Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

[Homer lies on a sofa, talking to a well-dressed man]
Homer: I always just figured my wife was my soulmate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?
Man: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

The Springfield Files [8.10]

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!
Bart: What if we don't?
Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.
Bart: [chuckles] They'll buy anything.
Homer: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.
[They both burst into laughter]
Homer: I kill me.

The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [8.11]

[Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]
Marge: What's my territory?
Frank Ormand: Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there! Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there!
Marge: Don't forget fat people! They can't stop eating!
Homer: (passing by) Hey! Pretzels!

[Marge arrives at the school loading zone. An unshaven and ragged Skinner appears]
Marge: Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?
Skinner: [monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.
Marge: Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?
Legs: [off-camera] Boating accident.
Skinner: I believe it was a... boking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.

Marge: Homer, did you tell the mob they could eliminate my competition with savage beatings and attempted murders?!
Homer: In those words...? (thinks) ...yes

Mountain of Madness [8.12]

Homer: So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.
Bart: Teamwork is overrated.
Homer: Huh?
Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.
Lisa and Marge: Yankees.
Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
(This line is often quoted online as a response to internet flaming.)

Burns: Ah sitting, the great leveler. From the lowliest peasant to the mightest pharoah, who does not enjoy a good sit?
Homer: Here is a little move I have been working on. Suppose you wanted that bowl of dip at the other end of the table.
Mr. Burns: Why Homer, you would have to get up.
Homer: Would I? Watch this.
Homer pounds table, which causes bowl to leap several times until it comes into Homer's hand
Mr. Burns: I am in your debt.

Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious [8.13]

Homer: All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much. [at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]
Moe: [hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: [dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
Apu: [Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

Kearney: [As they walk through the park, things look more and more like nineteenth-century London] Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel!
Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!
Jimbo: Is this legal, man?
Skinner: Only here, and in Mississippi.

The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show [8.14]

Doug: Uh question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
June: Uh, well, uh...
Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar].

Bart: It's back to the basics, classic Itchy & Scratchy.
Lisa: We should thank our lucky stars that they're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years.
Bart: What else is on?
[Lisa changes the channel.]

Homer's Phobia [8.15]

[Bart walks in wearing a flamboyant Hawaiian shirt.]
Homer: Hey, boy, where’d you get that shirt?
Bart: I dunno. Came outta the closet.

Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!
Marge: So?
Homer: There’s only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals, and Bart doesn’t look like a big, fat party animal to me!
Marge: So, if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn’t be gay?
Homer: Right! Thank you.

[Homer is at Moe's after taking Bart to a steel mill.]
Homer: ...And the entire steel mill was gay.
Moe: Pfft, where you been, Homer? Entire steel industry's gay! Yeah, aerospace too. And the railroads! And you know what else? Broadway!

Brother from Another Series [8.16]

Bart: [seeing Krusty perform at prison] Wow! Those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy
Lisa: And vice versa.

Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college.
Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

My Sister, My Sitter [8.17]

Chief Wiggum: Bye, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911! Uh, unless it's an emergency!
Lisa: G'bye, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget!
Chief Wiggum: Heh, it's Bob Seger! (He looks at the tickets and frowns) Aw, crap!

Ned: Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god because they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!
Homer: Militants, eh? Well if I were you, I'd kick their asses.
Ned: Well anywhodilly-doodle, the police say it's just a routine hostage-taking, but I gotta drive to Capitol City and fill out some forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?
Homer: Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders but...Marge was...taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and...
Lisa: (tugging at Homer's hand) I'll do it! I'll babysit!
Ned: I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young and the boys can be quite a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!
Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!
Ned: Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?
Lisa: Please, please, please!
Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her. (He slams the door.)

Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [8.18]

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!

Rex Banner: [Overlooking the city] I'll get you, Beer Baron.
Homer: [distant] No, you won't!
Rex Banner: Yes, I will!
Homer: ...Won't!

[Rex Banner suspiciouslly eyes passers-by on the sidewalk. He grabs Ned Flanders.]
Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guil-diddly-ilty as char-diddly-arged!
Rex Banner: (To Eddie and Lou) He's not the Baron. But he sounds drunk. Bring him in!
[Next, he grabs Comic Book Guy]
Rex Banner: Are you the Baron?
Comic Book Guy: Yes, but only by night. By day, I'm a mild-mannered reporter for a major metropolitan newspaper.
Rex Banner: Don't crack wise with me, tubby!
Comic Book Guy: "Tubby!?" (looking at his ample gut) Oh, yes. "Tubby."
[Homer and Bart suddenly pass by, towing behind them a wagon full of hops, barley and sour mash.]
Homer: Hey, Banner. How's it hangin'?
Banner: (not noticing) None of your business!

Grade School Confidential [8.19]

[Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]
Skinner: Now, Bart...son...I don't know what you think you saw but let me assure you that...
Mrs. Krabappel: What Seymour..I mean, what Principal Skinner means, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!
Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!
Skinner: Is it...too late to say that?
Bart: Mmm-hmm!

Homer: Wait a minute! Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Krandall! Why didn't anybody tell me? I've been making an idiot out of myself!

The Canine Mutiny [8.20]

Marge: Aww, Maggie, you got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off?
Homer: Can do. (puts Maggie on the floor) Laddie! (whistling) Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby?

Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.
Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!
Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.
Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us!
Bart (gasps in terror): You didn't crucify him?
Reverend (hearty laugh): No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. If you'll come with me, I'll be happy to give you his address.
Agnes: And then buy something or get out! (Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.) Angel!

The Old Man and the Lisa [8.21]

Mr. Burns:Questions?

[somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]

Principal Skinner: Well, uh, I might take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-itiveness?
Mr. Burns: ...Are there any real questions?

(When Lisa asks him about recycling)
Mr. Burns: Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese.

In Marge We Trust [8.22]

Homer:Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.
Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer.

Homer: [hands Akira a detergent box] Akira, can you read this for me?
Akira: Ah, yes. This is a product called Mr. Sparkle, very popular dish detergent. [points at the mascot on the box] Hey, he looks like you! [laughs]
Lisa: What's he saying?
Akira: He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.

Homer's Enemy [8.23]

[Alarms blare and red lights go on at Homer's work station]
Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 5-13! [Homer glances at his watch] No, a 5-13! In your procedures manual? A 5-13? [Homer stares at his watch again] Look at your control panel!
Homer: Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.
[Homer goes into his office and pours water on his control panel, shorting out the console and alarms]
Homer: That got it.
[Grimes stares flabbergasted through his window.]

Homer: Oh, I can’t believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.
Moe: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.
Homer: No, I won't accept that.
Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]
Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.
Moe: Okay, gimmie that, gimmie it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.

The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase [8.24]

[Wiggum encounters the Simpsons at Mardi Gras]
Wiggum: If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?
Bart: Mardi Gras, man! When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.
Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.
Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.
Homer: [points to Ralph and Big Daddy] Over there.
Ralph: [points to Chief Wiggum] Look Big Daddy, it's regular daddy!

Ralph: [to Chief Wiggum] Daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you!
Skinner(aka Skinny Boy): Better start eating, kid!

The Secret War of Lisa Simpson [8.25]

Bart: Military school!? You guys lied to me!
Homer: Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school!"

Cadet: I can't believe they let a girl in!
Cadet #2: Don't worry; we'll drive her out of the academy! That's why God invented hazing!

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