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Up to date as of January 14, 2010

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The Simpsons Season 9

Contents

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The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01]

Moe: [as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the 2 barflies (Larry the Wife Dodger and Sam the Ear Bender) walk in] Yeah, alright, listen up guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.
[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]
Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having Designated Drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope... [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg; whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!
Lisa: Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.
Bart: Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.

Homer: I'm gettin' out of this town alive if it kills me!

[Homer tries Klav Kalash from a street vendor]
Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Klav Kalash vendor: Mountain Dew or crab juice.
Homer: Blech! Ew! Geez! I'll take a crab juice.

The Principal and the Pauper [9.02]

Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Bart: Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.
Homer: Or crapweeds.
Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.
Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.

Skinner: The judge offered me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.

Lisa's Sax [9.03]

[The "All in the Family" opening:]
Homer: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...
Marge: Movies John Travolta made...
Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...
Homer & Marge: Those were the days!
Marge: And you knew where you were then...
Homer: Watching shows like "Gentle Ben"...
Homer & Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!
Homer: "Disco Duck" and Fleetwood Mac...
Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...
Homer & Marge: Michael Jackson still was black...Those were the daaayyyys!

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]
Young Grandpa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!
Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood.

Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04]

[The French neutron bomb nearly hits Kang and Kodos' ship]
Kodos: What the hell was that?!
Kang: (speaking into microphone) Calling home planet! This is Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!
Superior Rigellian: (on Rigel VII) Suuuure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.
[He and his fellow superiors laugh amongst themselves]

Mayor Quimby: You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.

Maude Flanders:(Looks at witches) Oh, Neddie, look at them up there, plotting our doom. They could force us to do wanton acts of carnality.
Ned Flanders:(scoffs) Yeah, that'll be the day.

Homer:You're mutants?
Moe:Uh, we don't like the word 'mutants', Homer. We prefer 'freaks' or 'monsters'.

The Cartridge Family [9.05]

Gun Shop Owner: Whoa, careful there, Annie Oakley.
Homer: I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun.

Marge: I'm sorry Homer, no weapons.
Homer: A gun is not a weapon. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or...uh, a...an alligator.

Moe: [At an NRA meeting] So last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.
Sideshow Mel: Whatever did you do, Moe?
Moe: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation but, luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine.
[Audience cheers and applauds]
Moe: Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!

Krusty: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for home defense, hunting dangerous or delicious animals and keepin' the King of England out of your face!

Bart Star [9.06]

Todd Flanders:We don't have to play football, do we Daddy?
Ned Flanders:Oh, you betcha! Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.
Rod and Todd Flanders:Yeah!

Marge:You shouldn't pressure Bart like that.
Homer:Well, if you have a better way of living through my son I'd like to hear it.

Homer:My father never believed in me. Well, I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son, and meaner to my dad.[Homer walks outside to where he forced Bart to run laps] Quit runnin' son. I just wanna give you a big hug.
Bart's mind: It's gotta be a trick, run like the wind.

Homer:[talking to his football team] Good practice team. Ok, its time for the easiest part of any coach's job-the cut. Now, while I wasn't able to cut everybody I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you.

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Nelson's Father: Good game, son. Come on, I'm taking you to Hooters.
Nelson: Ah... I don't wanna bother mom at work.

Joe Namath: Excuse me, son.
Bart: Wow, you're Joe Namath!
Joe Namath: That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.
Bart: I cannot believe you are here! Do you think you could give me a few pointers?
Joe Namath: Sure. There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback.
Joe Namath's wife: Joe, honey, I fixed it. It was just vapor lock.
Joe Namath: O.K., look, I gotta run. [heading back to his car] Remember what I told you!
Bart: [returns to practicing throwing the football] O.K. Bart, concentrate.
Bart's thoughts: Remember what I told you... Just one thing... My car broke down... I'm Joe Namath... My car broke down... It was just vapor lock... vapor lock... vapor lock...
Bart: I'm dead.

The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07]

Apu: Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?
Homer: It's you.

Grampa:Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.
Homer: You're already in a home.
Grampa: Oh how could you!

Homer:Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
Moe:Booze, booze, and more booze.
Lenny:Ha. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.

(Bar flies mumble affirmatively)

Lisa the Skeptic [9.08]

Lisa:Principal Skinner. Remember when I didn't sue when I found that scorpion in my applesauce? Well I'm calling in a favor.
Principal Skinner:I knew this day would come. (voice over intercom):Attention all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Homer:(scoffs) Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true.

Marge:Lisa, if you can't make a leap of faith now and then, well I fell sorry for you.

Moe:Science! What has science ever done for us?

Flanders: Well, I gotta say, Lisa, it sounds like you're strainin' to do some explainin'.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, everyone's heard of angels, but who's ever heard of a "Neanderthal"?
Lisa: It could be anything! It could be a mutant from the nuclear plant!
Mr. Burns: Oh, fiddle faddle, everyone knows our mutants have flippers. Oops, I've said too much. Smithers, use the amnesia ray.
Smithers: You mean the revolver, sir?
Mr. Burns: Precisely. Be sure to wipe your own memory clear when you're finished.

Judge: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity--a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.
Prosecuting lawyer: Your Honor, over the coming weeks, and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--
Lenny: [points to window] There's the angel!
(Murmuring)
(The courtroom empties)
Judge: I find the defendant not guilty. As for Science versus Religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from Science at all times.

Realty Bites [9.09]

Homer:Trying is the 1st step toward failure.

Homer:Seat belts!? They kill more people than they save.
Lisa:That's not true. You're thinking of airbags!

Chief Wiggam:This is Wiggam, reporting a 318-waking a police officer!

[Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer]
Bart, Lisa, and Marge: Oh, on the closing day, the escrow agents pay, taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!
Bart: They back your baaaaank!
Homer: You're all nuts.

Lionel Hutz: Marge, I had a lot of calls about you. Customers love your no-pressure approach.
Marge: Well, like we say, the right house for the right person.
Lionel Hutz: Listen, it's time I let you in on a little secret, Marge. "The right house" is the house that's for sale; the "right person" is anyone.
Marge: But all I did was tell the truth!
Lionel Hutz: Of course you did. But there's "the truth" (shakes head) and "the truth!" (smiles wide). Let me show you.
Marge: It's awfully small.
Lionel Hutz: I'd say it's awfully "cozy."
Marge: That's dilapidated.
Lionel Hutz: Rustic.
Marge: That house is on fire!
Lionel Hutz: "Motivated seller"!

Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10]

Sideshow Mel:You only live once!
Apu:Hey, speak for yourself!

(After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything)

Moe: [disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.
Barney: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

(Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table)

Marge: "You'll all get yours in Hell, you lying thieving..." (hesitates): "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."
Homer: Oh, great, we have to write him a thank-you card, too.
Marge: Homer, I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.

Homer:Marge, kids, let's go buy some happiness!

All Singing, All Dancing [9.11]

Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?
Homer: Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.

Snake: [singing] A singing family, it's worse than I feared... for hostage purposes, you're just too weird! Bye!

Bart Carny [9.12]

Cooder: [Explaining the ring toss booth] The main thing is to bring in the rubes.
Spud: Do whatever it takes. Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore.
Bart: Like "rubes"?
Spud: Now you're on the trolley.

Nelson: You wrecked Hitler's car! What did he ever do to you?

The Joy of Sect [9.13]

Homer:I always say-a boy can learn more at an airport then he can at any school.

Marge: I've never heard of these Movementarians; are they some kind of church?
Homer: Who cares what it is? The point is that these are some decent generous people that I can take advantage of.
Marge: But what if they try to talk us into something?
Homer: Marge, Marge, Marge [chuckles]. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?
Marge: You bought four of them! Thank God the check bounced.
Homer: So I beat the system.
Lisa: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.
Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Rev. Lovejoy: (preaching at church) This so called "New Religion" is nothing more than a bunch of weird rituals designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times but first let's pass the collection plate!

Lisa: It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.
Bart: You said it, sister.
TV voice-over: You are watching Fox.
Homer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa: We are watching Fox.

Das Bus [9.14]


Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect--
Bart: Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.
(children laugh)
Sherri/Terri: Hey, leave her alone.
Nelson: You leave her alone.
(children are all shouting at each other)
Ralph: [singing] O, Canada!
{Principal Skinner restores order by banging his shoe on the desk}
Principal Skinner: Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Nelson: [taking an orange out of the cooler) Hey Simpson, race ya!
Bart: [taking an apple out] First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money!
Martin: Wha?
[The two put their fruits on the floor of the bus, beginning to roll to the front]
Bart: Go Apple!
Nelson: Go Orange!
(Ralph puts a banana, which does not roll, on the floor)
Ralph: Go Banana!

Bart: It'll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!

Sherri/Terri: I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's!

Lisa: All we could find are these purple, oozing berries, and I don't think they're edible.
Ralph: I eated the purple berries.
Bart: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph: [collapsing in pain] They taste like burning.

The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15]

Krusty: Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin' a "schwitz."
Jay Leno: He seems reluctant.
Bart: Tell him it will count towards his community service.
Krusty: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.

Moe is presenting Krusty's return to comedy
Moe: Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me,"hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?
Barney: No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]

Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16]

Homer:(drunk at Moe's) Here's to Marge! And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar!

Homer:Don't give up Moe. The girl of your dreams has gotta be in some bar.

Homer: Why don't you sell your car?
Moe: Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.
Homer: Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.
Marge: [in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car!
Homer: I'll do it!

Homer: (scooting a cart of book to Moe's Tavern with his right leg) Must kill Moe! (holds onto the cart, riding along happily) WHHEEEEE!!! (goes back to scooting) Must kill Moe...! (holds again) WHHEEEEE!!!

Lisa the Simpson [9.17]

Grampa:(talking to Lisa) Your dad used to be as smart as a monkey. Then his mind started gettin' lazy. Now he's a dumb as a chimp.

Troy McClure:Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore" and "Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face?"

Grampa: (about Lisa) Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On accout of the Simpson Gene!
Marge: "Simpson Gene?" That's just foolishness!
Grampa: Nope. Baldness, too!

Lisa: I'm strongly opposed to Proposition umm 3-3-0-5...
TV Producer: You're against discount bus fares for war widows?
Lisa: You bet I am!

Lisa: [on TV] I'm supposed to be talking to you today about Proposition 3305...
Homer: Moochin' war widows!

This Little Wiggy [9.18]

Ralph Wiggam:I found a moon rock in my nose.

Bart: Your dad is chief of police, doesn't he have any cool police stuff?
Ralph: Just in his closet, but he said I'm not allowed to go in there.
Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed to go in there?
Ralph: Yes.

Chief Wiggam:(to Ralph) You know you're not suppose to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery.

Ralph Wiggam: The pointy kitty took it away! (after a rat stole his key)

(Lisa's model rocket flies into Mr. Burns's office at the nuclear plant)

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket!
Smithers (suggestively): You don't have to tell me, sir.

Simpson Tide [9.19]

Captain Tenille: I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?
Homer: Is a poop deck really what I think it is?
Captain Tenille: [chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.
Homer: What's a jib?
Captain Tenille: [laughs] Promote that man.

Captain Tenille: Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?.
Homer: [straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peeeas...
Captain Tenille: Oh, we all want peace! But it's always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what's the best way to get peace?.
Homer: [reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.
Captain Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.

The Trouble with Trillions [9.20]

(Scrambling to complete his taxes)
Homer: Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh . . . nine!
Marge:Homer, you know we don't have--
Homer: Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts! (hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch) Here you go, keep using nuclear power.
Marge: Homer, I painted that for you.
Homer: Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam!
Bart: Cool!

Agent Johnson: We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house, but all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof.

Mr. Burns:If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!
Homer:God bless America!

Girly Edition [9.21]

Store Clerk: May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?
Homer: Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.

(Bart has aired a segment of "Bart's People" featuring the man that fed the ducks, but they left to the other side of the pond)
Mr. Burns: (sniffling) Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.

Lisa: They want sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll have to blow their nose with a pancake!

Trash of the Titans [9.22]

Homer:I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Homer: This is a very, very proud day for us! Especially me, your father, me, beat City Hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won!

Homer calmly enters his office with a briefcase, where he is greeted by a bunch of angry sanitation workers
Garbageman #1: Where are our paychecks, you bum?
Head Garbageman: My men ain't working one more minute until we get paid.
Homer unhinges briefcase to reveal stacks of money
Homer: Will cash do?
Head Garbageman: Will it ever!
Mayor Quimby barges into Homer's office
Mayor Quimby: Did I just hear a briefcase opening?

King of the Hill [9.23]

Rainier Wolfcastle: McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!

[As Marge uses a telescope to look up at the mountain Homer just climbed]
Marge: Is that your wallet?
Homer: D'OH!!!

Lost Our Lisa [9.24]

Homer:I know I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there please save me Superman!

Homer:Stupid risks are what make life worth living.

(as Homer and Lisa are breaking into the Springfield Museum)
Homer: Lisa, could you get the window? The police have Daddy's prints on file.

[Lisa finds herself in an ethnic part of Springfield]
Lisa: [to herself] Huh, I didn't know Springfield had a Russian district. [comes across two men playing chess] Uh, excuse me. I'm kinda lost. Can you tell me how to get to the museum?
Man 1: [angrily] Moe udovoljstvie! Muzej - shestj blokov tot putj! [My pleasure! The museum is six blocks that way!]
[Lisa runs off screaming]
Man 1: [calmly] Ona poshla nepraviljn—čj putj. [She went the wrong way.]
Man 2: [makes his move] Porazhenie. [Checkmate.]
Man 1: [throws the board on the ground] Horoshaja igra! Kak o drugom?! [Good game! How about another?!]

Natural Born Kissers [9.25]

(Homer and Marge rush over to some garden ornaments naked; Marge stands behind birds and a flower, Homer stands behind two lumberjacks sawing a log)

Homer: Marge, can we switch? I don't trust these guys!

Marge:You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?
Homer:I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong.

Reverend: Now lets all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his natural glory.

[Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]

Reverend: Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.

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