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The Titus logo used in the opening credits.
Format Sitcom
Created by Christopher Titus
Jack Kenny
Brian Hargrove
Starring Christopher Titus
Zack Ward
Cynthia Watros
Stacy Keach
David Shatraw
Rachel Roth (Seasons 2-3)
Elizabeth Berkley (Season 3)
Country of origin United States
No. of seasons 3
No. of episodes 54 (List of episodes)
Running time approx. 22 minutes
Original channel Fox
Original run March 20, 2000 – August 12, 2002

Titus is an American dark-comedy sitcom that debuted on FOX in 2000. The series was created by its star, Christopher Titus, Jack Kenny, and Brian Hargrove. This sitcom was based on Christopher's stand-up comedy act, more specifically his one-man show Norman Rockwell is Bleeding (which itself would be broadcast on television in 2004), which was based loosely upon his real-life family; lines from Norman Rockwell is Bleeding were spoken by Titus as commentary (see below). Titus plays an outwardly childish adult (based on himself), who owns a custom car shop. The show follows him and his dimwitted stepbrother Dave, his girlfriend Erin with the "heart of gold", his goody-goody friend Tommy, and his arrogantly lewd, bigoted and multiple-divorced father Ken "Papa" Titus.


Series description

Christopher Titus in the "neutral space," where he provides commentary and exposition.

The series first aired as a limited-run mid-season replacement in March 2000 and it received rave reviews. It ran for 54 episodes over three seasons until it was cancelled in 2002.

The characters were essentially a dysfunctional family and the situations the show dealt with were often serious and dark and unusual for network sitcom fare, including death, attempted and committed suicide, rape, child molestation, mental illness, road rage, gun violence, drug abuse, domestic abuse, alcoholism, and terrorism -- especially in the third season, which was to be the last (partly due to the controversial nature of the show).

One episode, "Tommy's Not Gay," dealt with the issue that Tommy — who uses stereotypically gay mannerisms but is not actually gay — lashes out at his homosexual father for lying to his mother about his sexuality. However, Tommy later defends his dad against others' homophobia when Tommy's father ends up getting beaten by Titus's friends. The episode made reference to the real-life killing of Matthew Shepard in Laramie, Wyoming.

The format of the show always began with Christopher turning on a dangling lightbulb hanging from the ceiling in a black-and-white "neutral space", often breaking the "fourth wall". A crude wooden chair would accompany Christopher and sometimes be used as a prop. He would do a short monologue, then the traditional sitcom story would begin. During the episode, segments would be intercut to this "neutral space" where he would narrate or comment on what was happening. There were also frequent flashbacks or dream/imaginary sequences to relevant events. However, almost all episodes took place in only one location. In the end, Christopher would do another monologue, with the same beginning as in the show's opening, then turn the light off, sometimes smashing the bulb or even turning it off with a remote. Occasionally, an alter-ego type character of Titus would appear with him and gets abused randomly. These altered versions of Titus included Nerd Titus, seventeen year old Titus, Titus as a ten year old, and a five year old Titus.

The show, unusual for a sitcom, used serious points as act breaks at times during episodes. These included Christopher admitting to being beaten by his ex-girlfriend Noelle, admitting that he loves his mother despite her being a violent manic-depressive paranoid schizophrenic, and how Matthew Shepard was murdered because of his sexual orientation.


Titus began doing comedy when he was 18. After two years of relatively normal comedy bits, his act soon began to evolve to focus around his family, particularly his father’s heart attacks and his mother’s mental illness.[1]

One night while performing, an assistant to a Fox executive was in the audience, and he brought his bosses to the show. Word soon reached Brian Hargrove and Jack Kenny; after they saw the show, they knew that they wanted to work with Titus, because his life was a sitcom.[2]


Knowing he had a deal with Fox, Titus wanted "Dad is Dead" to be the pilot. After the series ended, Titus commented that, if one watches Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, and then "Dad is Dead," the latter essentially "rapes" the former.[1]

Because Kenny and Hargrove came from live theater, and Titus from live comedy, it was a unanimous decision that the live story would be shot in real time, like a play,[1] in as few takes as possible; to incorporate flashbacks and action in the neutral space, the action would pause briefly, and then resume.[1] Episodes were blocked and rehearsed extensively, and shot on Friday every week.

The cast also had different methods of working. Being a comedian, Titus knew where the joke would be and never explored anything else.[1] Zack Ward had difficulty finding the joke during rehearsals, but Kenny realized that he was looking for where the funny could be, and knew that Ward would nail it when the episode was filmed.[1] Watros asked Titus to point out where the joke was, and promised she would hit her mark.[1] During breaks in rehearsal, Shatraw would work by himself on set, looking for specific quirks or actions that Tommy would do or take.[2]

The season two episode "The Last Noelle" is one of Titus’ favorites,[3] and is based upon a real episode of his abusive ex-girlfriend punching him in the face.

In most episodes, there was a reference to fire and/or guns, as a running gag.


Numerous actors auditioned for the show. Cynthia Watros was the first person to audition for the role of Erin,[3] and was also the first person cast. Steve Carell[4] and Zack Ward both auditioned for Tommy;[2] Carell lost out to David Shatraw, while Ward was soon cast as Titus’ brother Dave. After a number of auditions for Titus’ father Ken, Stacy Keach was cast after Titus admitted Keach intimidated him.[2]

Before his passing, Ken Titus would give tips to Keach on how to better portray him.[5] Titus also admitted that, even with the driest line the writers could invent, Keach would find a way to make the line funny.[1] This often upset Titus, since he would have the punchline, but Keach’s set-up would be funnier.[1] Hargrove has also commented that Keach could get an audience response with just a look;[6] Hargrove's favorite moment is the look Ken gives Tommy in "Insanity Genetic (1)" after Tommy comments "I have no nuts."[6]

Censorship by the network

More than one episode was censored/banned by FOX, including a two-part episode made in the months after the September 11 attacks that centered on the premise that the U.S. government believes Titus is a terrorist after Titus suffers a nervous breakdown on a plane from his mother's suicide, Tommy complains to a flight attendant about his mispronunciation of chicken à la king (which sounds like "Allah king"), and Dave comes out dressed with a towel turban, robe, & shaving cream on his face which looked like an Islamic beard, speaking unintelligibly.

The episode "The Intervention" was also almost banned, as the censors were wary about the episode glorifying alcoholism (since one of the plot points involves Titus convincing his father, Ken, to drink again since Ken's sobriety is making him boring). Christopher Titus had to read the script to the president of FOX page-by-page[1] over the phone in order to show him how the episode could be funny.

Another episode, "The Protector," was not aired until the very end of the last season, as it dealt with the revelation that Erin's niece, Amy, was sexually molested by a male family friend who looked after her while her parents were in prison (which Amy remembers because the man had a rose tattoo on his penis). Had "The Protector" aired in production order, viewers would have seen the real reason behind Amy's asocial, criminal behavior (besides the fact that her parents are drug addicts who neglected her and were always in jail for drug crimes or domestic violence), and a possible explanation for Amy being a lesbian (as seen in "Errr"). Also, if "The Protector" was broadcasted in production order, the references to Amy being molested and going after a boy who harassed her in school (who turns out to be the son of the man who molested Amy) in such episodes as "The Session" and "Insanity Genetic (2)" [which, in production code order, aired after "The Protector"] would have made more sense.

"The Wedding" was aired out of order as well, as the Season 3 premiere "Racing in the Streets" dealt with Titus's recovery from the accident in "The Pit" and continued in "The Pendulum," yet he seems unaffected and the accident is not mentioned in the Season 2 finale. This is also confirmed by these episodes' production codes, which put "The Wedding" in between "Tommy's Girlfriend II" and "Hard Ass".[7]

On a Sirius Radio Interview on Raw Dog 104, Christopher said the show got canceled due to an argument with executives. They wanted to split up Titus and Erin because the show Dharma & Greg had done similar. Upon Christopher's refusal, on-air promotion ceased and the show was soon canceled.


Ken Titus in the neutral space in "The Pendulum." Christopher, the neutral space's normal occupant, was in a coma during the Live Story as a result of an accident in "The Pit."

Part of the show's success was its unique format; a few exceptions aside, the show stuck to what worked. The "neutral space" was where Titus opened and ended the show. This lead-in and lead-out allowed for one liners and a monologue, before heading to (what the producers called) the Main Narrative, or "Live Story." The live story was the bulk of the action, and was the basis for the theme of the episode, and the other gags. The live story was unique in that it was extensively rehearsed throughout a production week, and shot in one day, in as few takes as possible. The result allowed the actors to keep their comedic timing, and kept the studio audience engaged to the point that they didn't have to use a laugh track on the show. Also of note was that the Live Story was (for an overwhelming majority of shows) shot on just one set.

Most episodes also took place over a short course of time: usually only a few hours; very rarely would a plot carry over to "the next day." The main narrative was frequently intercut with the Neutral Space, sometimes just for a quick one-liner from Titus, sometimes for some informative exposition, and often for a quick flashback or a sparingly used fantasy scene. The Live Show would also usually take place in one place, either a recurring location like Ken's house, or the garage, or a one-time location, like the bus station, or a houseboat.

Neutral Space

Erin Fitzpatrick in the neutral space, in the episode "Bachelor Party." Before the series ended, plans were to have Dave and Tommy appear in the neutral space, as well.

The neutral space (always in black and white) would always start and end the show, usually with the same sentence. Titus was the neutral space's only occupant, (except in two episodes, when he was replaced by Ken and Erin respectively) and would appear always wearing similar clothes, with a wooden chair, a lightbulb, and the bland walls. Frequently, props appeared for one-shot gags in the neutral space. Very rarely would anything from the live story appear there, and vice versa (one notable exception was Dave's suicide note in "Private Dave"). There are many allusions to the neutral space being Titus' mind, though it is never said outright. On a few occasions, the Neutral Space is used to demonstrate the passing of time, or Christopher will do something "in" the neutral space when he is really just thinking about it while doing it - we only see his thought process. Also, as in "The Trial," sometimes he'll say something in the neutral space, and also be saying it in reality, and not realize it, like when he calls the prosecutor an idiot, thinking he just thought it.


A collage of flashbacks from the episode "Errr." To convincingly play the younger versions of their characters, the actors have exaggeratedly humorous costumes and mannerisms.

Flashbacks - always introduced from the Neutral Space - were frequently used for character development and background. Flashbacks generally went back to one of three time periods - when Titus was five, ten, or seventeen. Three different child actors played the five and ten year old versions of Titus, the latter sometimes joined by five year old and ten year old versions of Dave and Tommy. Flashbacks to high school with the 17 year old Titus had all of the current actors playing the younger versions of themselves. To compensate for being too old to believably play the roles, the actors have humorously exaggerated costumes and mannerisms. Except for a few flashbacks in "Grandma Titus" that featured Ken as a child, Stacy Keach is the only one to appear in all of his character's flashbacks; only his hair and clothes change with the times. The flashbacks themselves had no specific format, other than being quick, one laugh gags. They frequently showcased Ken Titus' unique approach to parenting, relationships, and drinking. The women that Ken is shown dating (or even married to) in these flashbacks are frequently not given a name, and their faces are rarely shown (especially in the flashbacks of Titus's mom, Juanita [the violent, manic-depressive schizophrenic], on episodes where Juanita isn't the focal point of the plot, but Titus does mention something about his childhood involving his insane mother, such as the flashback on the season three episode "Grad School" where it showed Titus being forced to live with his mother [who is wearing an Army jacket, white go-go boots, and no pants or underwear] after a social worker accuses Ken of being an unfit father). Episodes with guest characters who had any connection with the main characters (Like Tommy or Erin's families) frequently appeared in flashbacks, as well. Ultimately, flashbacks were free-for-alls, doing whatever was necessary for a laugh.

Occasionally, instead of a flashback, a far-fetched scenario will be presented. These would either be a future scenario, a what if...? scenario, or just a gag. These exaggerations (relative to the rest of the show) usually represent Christopher's fears. One such future scenario would be Erin still bossing Christopher around in their old age. A what-if scenario had Christopher getting everything in his life and becoming perfect - resulting in his suicide since he has nothing left to work towards. And finally, a gag would be used just for laughs like Christopher, Ken, and Dave being just heads sitting on the couch with Dave eating spaghetti.


Role Performer Character Summary
Christopher Titus Christopher Titus The protagonist and center of the dysfunctional chaos of the show
Erin Fitzpatrick Cynthia Watros Christopher's girlfriend, with a dysfunctional family of her own.
Dave Titus aka. Dave Scovill Zack Ward Christopher's stepbrother
Ken Titus Stacy Keach Christopher's father
Tommy Shafter David Shatraw Christopher's buddy since childhood
Amy Fitzpatrick Rachel Roth Erin's rebellious teenage niece who lives with Erin and Christopher during the third season.

Episode list

(Episodes listed as they were ordered on the DVD release)
Season Ep # First Airdate Last Airdate
Season 1 9 March 20, 2000 May 22, 2000
Season 2 24 October 3, 2000 May 22, 2001
Season 3 21 November 14, 2001 August 12, 2002

Season ratings

Season TV Season Ratings Rank Viewers
(in millions)
1 1999-2000 #61[8] 9.53[8]
2 2000-2001 #77[9] 6.0[9]
3 2001-2002 #89[10] 7.9[10]

DVD releases

Anchor Bay Entertainment released the entire series on DVD in Region 1 in two packages.

DVD Name Ep # Release Date Additional Information
Seasons 1 & 2 33 July 12, 2005
  • Audio Commentaries
  • Hard Laughs
  • Rehearsal Footage
  • Promos for Titus
  • Cross-Promo Trailers: Doogie Howser M.D. & Profit
Season 3 21 January 17, 2006
  • Audio Commentary with Creator/Star Christopher Titus and Creators Brian Hargrove and Jack Kenny
  • "Brotherly Love": An Interview with Zach Ward
  • "His Better Half": An Interview with Cynthia Watros
  • "Honor Thy Father": An Interview with Stacey Keach
  • Gag Reel


  1. ^ a b c d e f g h i j Titus, Christopher. Hard Laughs. [Titus Seasons 1 & 2 (DVD)]. Anchor Bay Entertainment.  
  2. ^ a b c d Titus, Christopher; Hargrove, Brian; Kenny, Jack. Dad Is Dead. [DVD audio commentary]. Anchor Bay Entertainment.  
  3. ^ a b Titus, Christopher; Hargrove, Brian; Kenny, Jack. The Last Noelle. [DVD audio commentary]. Anchor Bay Entertainment.  
  4. ^ Titus, Christopher; Hargrove, Brian; Kenny, Jack. Tommy's Not Gay. [DVD audio commentary]. Anchor Bay Entertainment.  
  5. ^ Keach, Stacey. Honor Thy Father: An Interview with Stacey Keach. [Titus Season 3 (DVD)]. Anchor Bay Entertainment.  
  6. ^ a b Titus, Christopher; Hargrove, Brian; Kenny, Jack. Insanity Genetic (1). [DVD audio commentary]. Anchor Bay Entertainment.  
  7. ^ Titus Episode Guide - Titus Season Episodes -
  8. ^ a b "Top TV Shows For 1999-2000 Season". Retrieved 9 January 2010].  
  9. ^ a b "TV Ratings 2000-2001". Retrieved 9 January 2010].  
  10. ^ a b "How did your favorite show rate?". USA Today. May 28, 2002. Retrieved 9 January 2010.  

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Titus (2000-2002) is a dark comedy based on the life of stand-up comedian Christopher Titus.


Season 1

Sex With Pudding [1.1]

Titus: Dave's my brother. I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory.

Titus: Erin's office. Inflammable. Non-flammable. You gotta be a dictionary to know what burns.

Dad's Dead [1.2]

Titus: Hey, once you've driven a drunk father to mom's parole hearing, what else is there?

Erin: So I'm sitting in a meeting when my pager goes off with a message. It says "Dad's dead." So I race out of the meeting and drive all the way to Santa Maria because, naturally, I think "My dad's dead"!
Titus: Honey, your dad is not dead.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] Yeah, I know that now. [back to normal] Because if he were, what I walked in on my mother doing to him would be so... sick.

Dave Moves Out [1.3]

Titus: All he does is mess with people's minds!
Ken: You're right, I do.
Titus: See, you're doing it right now!
Ken: [slyly] No, I'm not.
Titus: Yes, you are!
Ken: All right, I am.
Titus: Stop it!

[Flashback to when Titus was 17]
Christopher: Daddy! My key doesn't work in the door any more! I have laundry!
Ken: [opens door] Laundry? [squirts dish soap over Titus' shirt] Here's some soap. Go find a rock in a river.

The Breakup [1.4]

Titus: Normal people can live with happiness. Screwed up people will try to destroy it.

Titus: The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies, and has the power to lift you up or rip out your guts. It's even scarier if she knows your truths.

Titus Integritous [1.5]

Titus: I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.
Tommy: "Integritous"?
Titus: It's a word.

Dave I'm Integritous. It's my gladiator name.

Red Asphalt [1.6]

Titus: A Glock-9 holds seventeen bullets. Is that what we've come to? I piss you off in traffic you need seventeen bullets to kill me?

[Thinking they are going to die, Titus, Erin, Dave, and Tommy are voicing their regrets in life.]
Erin: I never got to see Ireland.
Titus: Honey, you never got to see San Diego.
Erin: [with dry sarcasm] That helps.

Mom's Not Nuts [1.7]

Titus: My dad is a negative, judgmental pain in the ass who destroyed my self-esteem and tortured me my entire life. My mom's a violent, paranoid schizophrenic. God, I love my dad.

Ken Titus: I hear Looney Tunes made dinner... I'm surprised. Usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.

Intervention [1.8]

Titus: We think you have a problem. It's about your drinking.
Ken: But I haven't had a drink in a month.
Titus: Dad, we'd like you to start again.

[Ken, having started drinking again, reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus in which Titus was naked.]
Tommy: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of of the dream!
Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
Tommy: You were a pirate.
[Titus moans in disgust.]

Episode Eleven [1.9]

[As a practical joke, Titus has convinced hospital staffers to shave Ken's testicles.]
Ken: I look like a nine year-old boy.

Officer Charlie Regan: You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.
Dave: And I want my pot back.
Titus: Dave, we're bribing him.
Dave: But he already has my pot!

Season 2

Titus is Dead [2.1]

[Ken Titus is recovering from a heart attack.]
Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
Titus: He was laughing 'cause you were trying to get into heaven!

Nurse Kathy: Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
Titus: Whoa, whoa, whoa — attempted murderer. And I would have pled it down to manslaughter. You don't even know the law, lady!

The Test [2.2]

Dave: Here's your sperm, and the wheelbarrow's in the tree.

Titus: Dave, wake up. We've got to get our blood tested.
Dave: Is there something wrong with my sperm?
[Titus glares at Dave.]
Titus: I'm sure of it.

The Surprise Party [2.3]

Titus: In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake, and a party. In my family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment, and destruction of private property.

Dave: Taco Night is a tasty corn shell full of lies!

What's Up Hollywood? [2.4]

Titus: Dad has found a new way to screw with me. He told me he was "proud" of me.
Erin: Well it's about time he said that. You're great at what you do!
Dave: He got to her!
Titus: Dave, she likes me.
Dave: [slyly] Oh, right.

[After Ken's arrest for DWI, which occurred while he was driving his newly-customized pickup truck.]
Ken: You built me a cop magnet! I might as well be a black guy driving a large powdered doughnut!

Locking Up Mom [2.5]

Erin: Christopher, do you think we're doing the right thing? This place is like a prison.
Titus: Well, Mom is like a criminal.

[The hospital doctors want to begin Juanita's hearing without Ken.]
Juanita: He's probably stuck in traffic.
Titus: [accusingly] Or in a mason jar.
Dave: Or something you put jam in!
[Titus stares at Dave.]
Titus: Like a mason jar.

The Perfect Thanksgiving [2.6]

[at the hospital, after the Tituses and Fitzpatricks got into a Thanksgiving family fued]
Titus: Oh, Kathy, I'm so glad you're here. That's how much pain I'm in.

[Titus has shrieked after having his shoulder re-located]
Dave: Titus, this place is freaking me out. Did you just hear that little girl scream?
Titus: [scoffing] Yeah, what's her deal?

Tommy's Girlfriend [2.7]

Dave: Here's what you do. You give her a fish with a note attached that says "Life stinks without you." You stuff it with chick stuff like little soaps. But erotically-shaped little soaps. Otherwise she might think it's a let's-be-friends fish.

[Tommy has misinterpreted Titus' instructions about running into an ex-girlfriend.]
Tommy: You said make it look like an accident!
Titus: [incredulous] Not a car accident! Who are you? Dave?
Dave: Yeah, dumbass.

The Reconciliation [2.8]

Ken: Choose. Who do you want in your life, her or me?
Titus: I don't have to choose between you. I'm not 5... 7, 12, or 16 any more.

[Juanita's fiancee Bill is analyzing the Titus family]
Ken: He sounds like some dime store shrink!
Bill: Stanford, actually.

Last Noelle [2.9]

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! [2.10]

When I Say Jump [2.11]

Titus: Normal people see a bridge spanning a 1500 foot gorge and think, "What a beautiful architectural achievement." Screwed-up people see the same bridge and think, "Oh, I gotta jump off of that!" With a parachute. I'm not an idiot.

Erin: Christopher, you know how some girls have dreams about being beauty queens, or astronauts, or doctors?
Titus: No.
Erin: My dream was always to be the only girl in my family... to never get arrested.

Episode 27 [2.12]

Titus: My father never chooses me for anything, unless he needs a human shield.

[Titus is showing Kathy the video of Ken's drunk driving arrest.]
Titus: Has anyone ever seen a cop that pissed off?
[Dave proudly raises his hand.]
Titus: Besides Dave?

The Smell of Succes [2.13]

[Titus has lost his business and kicked Erin out.]
Ken All of this crap is going to work out. You've just got to quit being a wussy!

Ken: You know, I liked you better when you had hope.
Titus: No, you didn't.

Deprogramming Erin [2.14]

Titus: I do a lot of crazy things when I'm drunk.
Erin: I'm in a sack.
Titus And when I'm sober!

[Titus has put Erin in a sack]
Tommy: I'm letting her out.
Titus: Go ahead.
Tommy: OWWW!
Titus: She might bite you.

NASCAR [2.15]

[Spotting a hitchhiker]
Titus: It's 1 am in the morning[sic] in the desert. She's either a werewolf or an alien.
Ken: Maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!

[Having been tricked by Erin into spending time together, Titus and Ken plot on how to pay her back.]
Titus: What's the worst thing you can do to a pretty woman?
Ken: Throw hot acid in her face.
[Titus spit-takes his coffee.]
Titus: Dad, more practical joke, less lifetime deformity.
Ken: I was talking hypothetically! I love Erin!

Life Forward [2.16]

Ken Titus: Hey! Don't you ever call me again and tell me that you love me and you forgive me!
Christopher: Hi, Dad.
Ken Titus: I would rather a highway patrol officer show up on my doorstep with your head in a bag!

Jerry October: Welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life.
Ken Titus: All these people have kids?

Gift of the Car Guy [2.17]

[Titus learns that Erin has been working as a waitress in a strip club.]
Titus: Why didn't you drag her out of there?
Ken: You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

Titus: Dad, you know she can't work in a place like that. You should have done something.
Ken: All right, how much?
Titus: Something. Anything. Just get her the hell out of there.
Ken: Numbnuts, how much money do you want to keep her from working there?
Titus: "Numbuts"?
Ken: Erin is not going to work at that bar! I don't want to have to check every waitress' face before I pinch her behind. [opens his checkbook] Three grand?
Titus: What?
Ken: Five grand.
Titus: You know, you're amazing? My business is going under, you won't lend me money. I start drinking again, you don't lend me money. But my girlfriend makes you uncomfortable about staring at the nipples of disturbed ex-cheerleaders, and all of sudden you're willing to fork over five grand? Well, you know something, dad? I'll take it!

Tommy's Girlfriend II [2.18]

Hard Ass [2.19]

Tommy: It's Amy! Well, well, someone's turning into a woman!
Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.

Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
Tommy: I'm not gay!
Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt.

Private Dave [2.20]

Titus: Dave, thank God you're not dead!
Dave: Well, no thanks to you. I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
Titus: I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't mail it!

[After throwing Titus through a window]
Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force now that you know how to fly.

Three Strikes [2.21]

Michael: This will be my third strike.
Erin: He'll go to prison for the rest of his life!
Titus: Get to the bad part!

Cop: We found this guy outside, hiding in a bush.
Dave: Please tell they didn't find my secret stash of weed!
Titus: Dave!
Dave: I mean, my secret stash of... pot.

The Pit [2.22]

Ken: Your driver is launching cock-eyed. You might want to have a talk with him instead of looking at the headlines for typos.
Jay Leno: That was very funny. Are you a Nielsen box?
Ken: No.
Jay Leno: Then shut up, then!

Christopher: People on TV suck. If you ever meet somebody from TV, I want you to punch them right in the face. It'll probably get you on TV.

The Pendulum [2.23]

Erin: You taught [Christopher] how to swim by chucking him in a lake. You taught him not to stick his finger in a light socket by letting him stick is finger in a light socket! You let a car fall on him; I still don't know what that taught him.
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin: Everybody knows that!
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me!

The Wedding [2.24]

Titus: Where's my tux?
Tommy: Somebody's bringing it.
Titus: "Somebody" who?
Tommy: Nobody. Dave.
Titus: No!

Bill: Where is all of this anger coming from?
Titus: Well, some of it's from my childhood. But a little of it is from you punching my mom in the face!

Season 3

Racing in the Streets [3.1]

Ken: What's your hurry? Your fifteen kids will still be waiting for you when you get home.
Castro: [sarcastically] Si, señor. But first I have to go feed the donkey, put on a big sombrero and fall asleep underneath a tree. [back to normal] You racist Irish drunk. [Castro and his team walk off.]
Ken: Now that's my kind of Mexican!

Ken: Oh, by the way; shorts that go all the way down to your ankles — pants!

Amy's Birthday [3.2]

Tommy's Not Gay [3.3]

[Tommy has used the words "daquilicious" and "skosh" in conversation.]
Tommy: Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'm a homo!
Titus: *spit-take*

Ken: Fruits have the same rights as normal people. It's not like they're from Vietnam.

Shannon's Song [3.4]

Grad School [3.5]

House Boat [3.6]

The Trial [3.7]

Titus: I wish everybody had a mom like mine.
Prosecutor: A mother who kills people?
Titus: Person. She killed one person. You make it sound like a hobby!

Grandma Titus [3.8]

Tommy: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.

Errr [3.9]

Tommy's Crush [3.10]

[Titus is facing off against Shannon's husband Stefan.]
Titus: Dad, what are we, German-Irish?
Ken: White. That's all that matters.
Erin: [offended] Papa Titus!
Ken: In society's eyes, I'm saying!

Into Thin Air [3.11]

[Hanging from a tree, Titus falls and gets caught in another tree.]
Dave: That's justice, Titus! Tree justice. The mighty oak strikes back!
[Titus looks around at his surroundings.]
Titus: It's a spruce!

Too Damn Good [3.12]

Titus: You said I was the worst possible result of an orgasm!
Ken: You took that as an insult?

Bachelor Party [3.13]

[after Nicky's water breaks; two neighbors who can help don't get along]
Christopher: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
[Titus frowns and feels his forehead]

Ken Titus: Come on, let's go! I'm out of booze and sober is nipping at my heels!
Nicky: Oh, boo hoo! I've got a watermelon nipping at my crotch!
Ken Titus: Now I'm hungry. [to diner owners] Can I get a fruit plate?

Hot Streak [3.14]

Erin: You want him to have your kind of fun. You need to go have his kind of fun.
Titus: [confused] You want me to rip myself a new one?

[Ken goes bust at the blackjack table.]
Ken: Damn it! The wussy must be here!

The Session [3.15]

Same Courtesy [3.16]

After Mrs. Shafter [3.17]

[Tommy's gay father, Perry, shows up.]
Ken: Shouldn't you be out there dancing with the construction worker, the cop, and the Indian?

The Visit [3.18]

Insanity Genetic(1) [3.19]

Titus: Do you know what my first thought was when I heard my mother killed herself?
Titus/Ken: Did she take anyone else out with her?

Stewardess: Sir, were you smoking in the bathroom?
Ken: [through a cloud of smoke] Define... "in the bathroom."

Insanity Genetic(2) [3.20]

[The FBI believes that the Titus family to be a terrorist group.]
Erin: We can't plan a hijacking! Listen, we can't even plan a wedding.
[straight cut to Titus]
Titus: Oh, we planned the wedding. We didn't plan on my mom killing her husband at the wedding. That was Mom's idea. She didn't know what to get us.

Titus: If you asked them to kill Gerald Ford, only two of them would do it.
[cut to Dave]
Dave: So, he wants Ford dead...

The Protector [3.21]

[A boy at school has been harassing Erin's niece Amy.]
Titus: I hate bullies!
Tommy: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
Titus: What's your point?


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