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Top Gear
275px-TopGearLogo.jpg
Genre Motoring Action
Presented by Jeremy Clarkson
(2002–)
Richard Hammond
(2002–)
James May
(2003–)
The Stig (Black)
(2002–03)
The Stig (White)
(2003–)
Jason Dawe
(2002)
Opening theme "Jessica"
Composer(s) Dickey Betts
Country of origin United Kingdom
Language(s) English
No. of series 14
No. of episodes 117 and 6 specials
(List of episodes)
Production
Executive producer(s) Andy Wilman
Editor(s) Guy Savin
Location(s) Dunsfold Park, Guildford, Surrey, England
Running time 60 min. (approx.)
Production company(s) BBC
Distributor BBC Worldwide
Broadcast
Original channel BBC Two
BBC HD (2009–present)
Picture format 576i, anamorphic 16:9
(2002–09)
1080i (Polar Special 2007, 2009–)[1]
First shown in 1977–2001
Original run 20 October 2002 –
Present
Status Returning series
Chronology
Preceded by Top Gear
Related shows Top Gear (US)
Top Gear Australia
Top Gear Russia
Stars in Fast Cars
Top Gear of the Pops
Top Ground Gear Force
External links
Official website
Production website

Top Gear is a BBC television series about motor vehicles, primarily cars. It began in 1977 as a conventional motoring magazine show. Over time, and especially since a relaunch in 2002, it has developed a quirky, humorous style. The show is currently presented by Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, and also features a test driver known as The Stig. The programme is estimated to have 350 million viewers worldwide.[2]

First run episodes are broadcast in the United Kingdom on BBC Two, and since Series 14, also on BBC HD. Top Gear is also shown on Dave, BBC America, BBC Canada, RTÉ Two in Ireland, Channel 9 in Australia (formerly SBS One who showed the program until the end of the 13th series shown in 2009), Prime TV in New Zealand, and a number of other television channels around the world. The popularity of the show has led to the creation of two international versions, with local production teams and presenters for Australia and Russia.[3] Episodes of the Australian version premièred on 29 September 2008 and NBC was holding the American version for broadcast in February or March 2009, as a possible mid-season replacement, but later dropped it from their schedule before production resumed.[4]

The show has received acclaim for its visual style and presentation, as well as considerable criticism for its content and comments made by presenters. Columnist A. A. Gill described the show as "a triumph of the craft of programme making, of the minute, obsessive, musical masonry of editing, the french polishing of colourwashing and grading".

Contents

History

Jeremy Clarkson, who helped the original series reach its peak in the 1990s, along with producer Andy Wilman, successfully pitched a new format for Top Gear to the BBC, reversing a previous decision to cancel the show in 2001. The new series was first broadcast in 2002. Top Gear's studio is located at Dunsfold Aerodrome and business park in Waverley, Surrey. Top Gear uses a temporary racing circuit which was designed for the show by Lotus and is laid out on parts of Dunsfold's runways and taxiways. A large hangar is used for studio recording with a standing audience.

The new series format incorporates a number of major changes from the old show. The running time was extended to one hour and two new presenters were introduced: Richard Hammond and Jason Dawe, with James May replacing Dawe after the first series. The Stig, an anonymous, helmeted racing driver, was introduced as the test driver. New segments were also added, including "Star in a Reasonably Priced Car", "The Cool Wall", "The News", "Power Laps", and one off features such as races, competitions and the regular destruction of caravans and, more recently, Morris Marinas.

In early 2006, the BBC had planned to move the filming site from Dunsfold to Enstone, Oxfordshire for filming of the eighth series of Top Gear, but the move was rejected by West Oxfordshire council due to noise and pollution concerns.[5] Filming of the series went ahead at Dunsfold in May despite not having a permit to do so,[6] with a revamped studio set, a new car for the "Star in a Reasonably Priced Car" segment, and the inclusion of one of Hammond's dogs, named "Top Gear Dog", in a few studio and film segments of that series.

On 20 September 2006, Richard Hammond was seriously injured while driving a Vampire turbojet drag racing car at up to 314 miles per hour (505 km/h) for a feature in the show. The BBC indefinitely postponed the broadcast of Best of Top Gear and announced that production of the show would be delayed until Hammond had recovered. Both the BBC and the Health and Safety Executive carried out inquiries into the accident.[7] Filming resumed on 5 October 2006.[8] The ninth series began on 28 January 2007 and included footage of Hammond's crash.[9] The first show of the ninth series attracted higher ratings than the finale of Celebrity Big Brother[10] and the final episode of the series had 8 million viewers — BBC Two's highest ratings for a decade.

  1. Top Photo: Series 1 host lineup from left to right: Jason Dawe, Richard Hammond, and Jeremy Clarkson.
  2. Bottom Photo: The presenters from Series 2 onward: James May, Richard Hammond, and Jeremy Clarkson.

A special programme, Top Gear: Polar Special, was broadcast in the UK on 25 July 2007 and was the first episode to be shown in high-definition. It involved a race to the North Magnetic Pole[11] from Resolute, Nunavut, Canada, with James May and Jeremy Clarkson travelling in a 'polar modified' Toyota Hilux, and Richard Hammond on a dog drawn sled. All three presenters had experienced explorers with them, and Clarkson and May became the first to reach the 1996 North Magnetic Pole by car, using the vehicle's satellite navigation. Since 1996, the North Magnetic Pole had moved approximately 100 miles (160 km). The recorded 1996 location is the target used by Polar Challenge and was used by the Top Gear team as their destination; the Geographic North Pole is approximately 800 miles (1,300 km) further north.

On 9 September 2007, Top Gear participated in the 2007 Britcar 24-hour race at Silverstone, where the hosts (including The Stig) drove a race prepared, second hand diesel BMW 330d to come 3rd in class and 39th overall. The car was fuelled using biodiesel refined from crops shown during a tractor review in the previous series.

In 2008, the show was adapted into a live format called Top Gear Live. The tour started on 30 October 2008 in Earls Court, London, moving on to Birmingham in November then at least 15 other countries worldwide. Produced by former Top Gear producer Rowland French[12] the events were described as an attempt to "bring the tv show format to life... featuring breath-taking stunts, amazing special effects and blockbusting driving sequences featuring some of the world’s best precision drivers".[13]

On 17 June 2008, in an interview on BBC Radio 1's The Chris Moyles Show, Hammond and May confirmed that in Series 11 there would be a new "occasional regular host".[14] This was revealed to be Top Gear Stunt Man. The series' executive producer, Andy Wilman, also revealed that future programmes will have less time devoted to big challenges:

"We've looked back at the last two or three runs and noticed that a programme can get swallowed up by one monster film — a bit like one of those Yes albums from the 70s where side one is just one track — so we're trying to calm down the prog-rock side. We'll inevitably still have big films, because it's the only way you can enjoy the three of them cocking about together, but they'll be shorter overall, and alongside we'll be inserting two- or three-minute punk songs."[15]

Series 14, broadcast in autumn 2009, attracted criticism from some viewers, who perceived that the show was becoming predictable with an over-reliance on stunts and forced humour at the expense of serious content. On the BBC's Points of View broadcast 13 December 2009, Janice Hadlow, the controller of BBC Two, rejected such comments, observing that she was still pleased with Top Gear's ratings and audience appreciation figures.[16] However, on 20 December, Andy Wilman admitted that the three presenters were now "playing to their TV cartoon characters a bit too much". He added, "It’s fair to say this incarnation of Top Gear is nearer the end than the beginning, and our job is to land this plane with its dignity still intact. But ironically, that does mean trying new things to the last, even if they screw up, because, well, it means you never stopped trying."[17]

Broadcasts

New episodes of Top Gear are broadcast in the United Kingdom on BBC Two on Sunday evenings at 8:00 pm, unless sporting events such as snooker run into that time, in this case it is shown at 9pm or the week after. Each show is an hour in length with no interruptions for advertisements as the BBC is funded by the annual TV licence.

Repeats of earlier series are currently shown on Dave, cut to 46 minutes to allow it to fit in an hour-long slot while leaving room for advertisements. Since mid-October 2007 the channel Dave has begun showing new episodes of Top Gear only three weeks behind BBC Two. The new episodes are also shown in an edited 46-minute version. Top Gear has been broadcast in other countries either in its original format, in a re-edited version, or with specially shot segments in front of the UK audience. For example, Canvas, the Flemish public broadcaster, picked up the show after the success of the Top Gear: Polar Special programme. The BBC version of the programme is broadcast by RTÉ Two in Ireland. The BBC version is to debut on German television in 2010. The show will air in a dubbed format on Kabel Eins[18].

The BBC also broadcasts edited Top Gear programmes on its international BBC World TV channel. Episodes are shortened to 30 minutes, often leaving dangling references and inconsistencies. Additionally, the original transmission order is sometimes not adhered to, so references to un-aired events are common. The only footage specially shot for the international version is for the end of each episode, when Clarkson bids his goodbye to BBC World viewers, instead of BBC viewers. BBC America also broadcasts repeats of Top Gear, with two episodes shown back-to-back, but with segments edited to allow for commercials.

Recently, BBC World has changed from showing edited versions of the current series to "best of" collections of the previous series. In both cases the BBC World edition mainly features the challenges and races from the normal episodes, with Clarkson's 'stronger' remarks removed. Interviews and "Car of the Year" are generally not shown.

The show's episodes from Series 7, Series 10, Series 11, Series 12 and Series 13 are also available on iTunes. They are edited for content, often pixelating swear words and "bleeping" them out, but the timing indicates they match with the full BBC2 version (with the exception of Series 10, which use the version broadcast on BBC America with up to 10 minutes of content missing).

On 22 September 2009, the BBC confirmed that future episodes of Top Gear (from Series 14 onwards) would be filmed in high-definition and available to view on BBC HD.[1]

Episodes

Charity specials

As of July 2008, Top Gear has produced three specials for Comic Relief. The first, titled Stars in Fast Cars, was broadcast on 5 February 2005, and starred Hammond and May as presenters, with Clarkson and five other British television personalities racing against each other. It spawned a short-lived series presented by Dougie Anderson.

The second was filmed for Comic Relief's Red Nose Day 2007 fund-raising event, and is titled Top Gear of the Pops. It mixed the show's typical format with music and appearances from artists Lethal Bizzle, Travis, Supergrass, and McFly, who were challenged to write a song including the words "sofa", "administration" and "Hyundai", which they later recorded and included as a B-side to their single "The Heart Never Lies". It concluded with a performance by Clarkson, Hammond and May with Justin Hawkins of "Red Light Spells Danger" by Billy Ocean.

The third, titled Top Ground Gear Force, was broadcast on BBC Two at 10:00 pm on 14 March 2008 as part of Sport Relief. This programme, which borrowed the Ground Force format,[19] saw presenters 'Alan Clarkmarsh', 'Handy Hammond' and 'Jamesy Dimmock May' undertake a one-day makeover of Olympic rower Sir Steve Redgrave's garden, an attempt that failed spectacularly.

Segments

Races

The show regularly features long-distance (or, as Clarkson refers to them, "epic") races.[20][21] These typically feature Clarkson (or one of the other presenters) driving a car against other forms of transport. The challenges usually involve Hammond and May taking the same journey by combinations of plane, train or ferry.

A number of smaller scale 'novelty' races have also taken place that demonstrate various strengths and, more often, weaknesses of cars. These races involve one of the presenters, in a carefully chosen car, racing head-to-head against an athlete in conditions that favour the latter. The programme has also featured a variety of small races, typically lasting a couple of minutes, that pit two similar cars against each other, for example, old and very powerful racing cars against new showroom cars.

Challenges

In the first few seasons, the series featured novelty challenges and short stunt films, typically based on absurd premises, such as a bus jumping over motorcycles (as opposed to the more typical scenario of a motorcycle jumping over buses) or a nun driving a monster truck. No stunt films appeared between series seven and ten, but series eleven saw the introduction of segments with an anonymous stunt man (credited as "Top Gear Stunt Man") performing car jumps.

Starting with series five, many of the show's challenges were introduced with the tag-line "How hard can it be?". These included challenges where the presenters attempt to build a convertible Renault Espace, being roadies for The Who, and participating in the Britcar 24-hour endurance race at Silverstone Circuit.

Starting with series four, one episode of each series has featured a film built around the premise of "Cheap cars", whereby the presenters are given a budget (typically around £1,500, but it has been between £100 and £10,000 depending on the type of car) to buy a used car conforming to certain criteria. Once purchased, the presenters compete against each other in a series of tests to establish who has bought the best car. The presenters have no prior knowledge of what the tests will be, although they typically involve long journeys to evaluate the cars' reliability and fuel economy, and a race track event to determine performance.

Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car

In each episode, a celebrity is interviewed by Clarkson. Then, they and the studio audience watch footage of the guest's fastest lap around the Top Gear test track. The times are recorded on a leader board. For the first seven series of Top Gear's current format, the car driven was a Suzuki Liana.

At the beginning of the eighth series, the Liana was replaced by a Chevrolet Lacetti. Consequently, as the Lacetti is more powerful, the leader board was wiped clean, which has allowed several celebrities to return, including Boris Johnson, now Mayor of London. The format for setting a lap time was also changed: each celebrity is allowed five practice laps, then a final timed lap. No allowance is made for any errors on this final timed lap. Clarkson hinted in the final episode of the fourteenth series that the Lacetti may be replaced with a new reasonably-priced car for the fifteenth series.

Ellen MacArthur set the fastest lap time in the Liana. As of the end of Series 14, Jay Kay is fastest in the Chevrolet Lacetti. His performance in the final episode of series 11 replaced Simon Cowell's at the head of the leader board. Brian Johnson of AC/DC was second with a time of 1:45.9 to Jay Kay's 1:45.8.

There have been several mishaps in the past with this feature. Sir Michael Gambon went around the final corner of the track on two wheels, prompting Clarkson to rename the corner in Gambon's honour. Lionel Richie and Trevor Eve each lost a wheel and David Soul destroyed the clutches of both the main car and the back-up car. Several celebrities have come off the track in practice, with Clarkson showing the footage to the audience.

There is a separate Formula One drivers' leader board, because of the considerable skill advantage F1 drivers have. The Stig is top of this board, but the presenters consider Lewis Hamilton's time to be more impressive; despite being set on a very wet and oily track, Hamilton's time was only three tenths of a second slower than The Stig's, which was set in dry conditions. In the past Clarkson has told drivers that they may deduct three seconds for a wet lap in the Suzuki Liana, making Hamilton's lap even more impressive. All Formula One times, even those set after the seventh series, are set in the Suzuki Liana.

Power Laps

Top Gear Test Track.

In the Power Laps segment, The Stig completes a lap around the Top Gear test track to gauge the performance of various cars.

The qualifications for the normal Power Lap Board are that the car being tested must be road-worthy, commercially available, and able to negotiate a speed bump[22] (sometimes referred to as a 'sleeping policeman'). There is a separate unofficial board of times for non-production cars, such as the Aston Martin DBR9 Le Mans racer.

Cars that have recorded ineligible lap times on the Top Gear track include the Renault F1 car, at fifty nine seconds (0:59.00), and the Caparo T1, at 1:10.6, both disqualified due to the sleeping policeman requirement, as well as the Ferrari FXX, at 1:10.7, which was disqualified for using slick tyres.

The fastest road-legal car that met the Power Lap requirements has been the Gumpert Apollo with a lap time of 1:17.1.

The Cool Wall

Introduced in the sixth episode of series one,[23] Clarkson and Hammond decide which cars are cool and which are not by placing photographs of them on to various sections of a large board, known as 'The Cool Wall'. The categories are, from left to right; "Seriously Uncool", "Uncool", "Cool", and "Sub Zero". According to Andy Wilman, the show's producer, any given car's coolness factor rested on various attributes that are not necessarily related to the quality of the car itself.[24] For example, Wilman suggests that "fashion cars" such as the Audi TT, PT Cruiser, Jaguar S-Type and Volkswagen Beetle are uncool because they "make a massive impact for five minutes and then look clichéd and vaguely ridiculous."[24] The following criteria appear to apply for different car manufacturers:

  • All Alfa Romeos are automatically cool.
  • Small European cars (Fiats, Peugeots, etc) are automatically cool — unless they win the European Car of the Year award, at which point they become seriously uncool. The presenters also consider the Fiat Panda to be way beyond Seriously Uncool because James May owns one.
  • 4x4s and SUVs are automatically Uncool, though the Hummer is considered cool because of its size and political incorrectness.
  • Supercars are almost always Uncool, though the latest Aston Martins have been put into the DB9 Fridge. Another exception is the Koenigsegg CCX, as it is 'scary' for having nearly killed The Stig during the power lap of the car on the Dunsfold track.
  • The Chris Bangle-designed BMW 3-series range of cars are considered so bland that their pictures have been left on the floor, rather than the Cool Wall (with the exception of the BMW M3).
  • Convertibles are usually cool, with the exception of the aforementioned Uncool '5 minute wonders', particularly the Chrysler PT-Cruiser convertible, which the presenters consider hideous.
  • Cars move depending on which 'cocks' are driving them — the presenters consider 'cocks' to be footballers, footballers' wives, those Clarkson describes as the 'televisual elite' and any other centre of attention for Britain's tabloid press. A case in point was the migration of 'the cocks' from the BMW M3 to the Audi RS4, and the repositioning of each car from the Seriously Uncool to Cool section of the wall, in their respective directions.
  • Cars which any of the three presenters (Clarkson, Hammond and May) own are automatically placed in the Seriously Uncool section of the board.
  • Cars which were previously owned by any of the three presenters, but have now been sold (such as the Ford GT, which was owned by Jeremy but since sold) can be moved back up the wall

On the show, Clarkson has stated that cars were deemed cool by the extent to which he believed they would impress actress Kristin Scott Thomas,[25] and later, BBC newsreader Fiona Bruce. Both have since been the celebrity guest for the Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car feature; when Scott Thomas appeared on the show in series nine, many of her own judgments on which vehicles were "cool" and "uncool" were the opposite to the show's verdicts (her own car being a G-Wiz, previously dubbed "uncool"). Later, when Bruce came on in series 11, her preferred choice of transport — a Citroen Picasso — visibly horrified Clarkson.

In the first episode of series four, a separate fridge section, the "DB9 Super Cool Fridge", on a table to the right of the board, was introduced after Jeremy declared that the Aston Martin DB9 was too cool even to be classified as "Sub-Zero". It initially contained just the DB9, but was eventually joined by the Aston Martin V8 Vantage in the seventh series. At the other end of the scale, James May's car — the Fiat Panda — was placed several metres to the left of the "uncool" side, on a banner at the back of the hangar.

This was partly due to an acknowledged rule by the presenters that cars owned by themselves cannot be considered cool. In series nine, Clarkson was forced to place the Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder in the Uncool section because he had just bought one. He then revealed that he had sold his Ford GT, allowing him to move the car back into the Sub-Zero section.

The humour of this section often lies in Clarkson and Hammond disagreeing over which section a car should be placed in, with Clarkson nearly always winning the argument — sometimes by placing the car at the very top of the wall, preventing the much shorter Hammond from being able to reach it (although in the last episode of series 13 Hammond got his own back by using a scissor lift to place a Nissan 370Z in the Sub-Zero section, which was stopped by Clarkson pressing the emergency stop button, thus he could put the Pagani Zonda Cinque in the Seriously Uncool section). Clarkson sometimes uses more extreme methods such as burning the card depicting the car in question, or once even taking a chainsaw to the wall when Hammond dared to try and place a Ducati 1098 motorbike on the wall. Hammond has occasionally had his revenge: after a series of disagreements with Clarkson's choices, he snatched the card on which a BMW M6 was featured from Clarkson and then ran into the audience, leading to a fight between the two and to Hammond eating the card, preventing it from being used; or during series six, after Clarkson had slipped two intervertebral discs and was unable to bend down, Hammond ended an argument by placing the car in question at the bottom of the board.

The Cool Wall was mostly destroyed in the fire that occurred in August 2007 (reported, tongue in cheek, by Jeremy Clarkson as having been started by their Five rivals, Fifth Gear), and was not used during the subsequent tenth series. The burnt wall was present during episode 3 of series 10, when Hammond was testing the auto-parking Lexus LS 600 next to it. A new Cool Wall was introduced in the second episode of series eleven.

Unusual reviews

A common theme on Top Gear is an approach to reviewing cars which combines standard road tests and opinions with an extremely unusual circumstance, or with a challenge to demonstrate a notable characteristic of the vehicle.

This has included several reviews, including "Toyota Hilux Destruction", featured in series three, episodes five and six. Various methods were employed by Clarkson and May to try to destroy a fourth generation Toyota Hilux, thereby proving its strength. The 'trials' included dropping the Hilux from a crane, setting the vehicle on fire, driving it into a tree, leaving it out in the sea, dropping a caravan on it, slamming it with a wrecking ball, and finally having it hoisted to the roof of a tower-block that was subsequently demolished with explosives. The heavily damaged (but still driveable, without the use of any new parts) Hilux now stands on a plinth in the Top Gear studio.

Another such review featured a Ford Fiesta, after Hammond read out a letter from a viewer complaining that "Top Gear cannot review cars properly any more". Clarkson gave the model a sarcastic, but thorough, appraisal and was then pursued around Festival Place shopping centre in Basingstoke, Hampshire, by a Chevrolet Corvette C6. The Fiesta was then used as a beach landing craft with the Royal Marines.

Occasionally, many cars are featured and reviewed inside one segment. In the "Scooter Road Test Russian Roulette Challenge" of series six, episode nine, Hammond and May worked as ScooterMen[26] in order to road-test as many randomly-selected cars as possible, the catch being that they wouldn't know what they'd be road-testing and have to review the vehicles in the presence of the owners.

Exotic or foreign cars are occasionally also reviewed in unusual ways. In the "VIP Chauffeur" test of series eleven, episode six, May conducted road tests in Japan of the Mitsuoka Orochi and Galue, and used the Galue to chauffeur a Sumo wrestler and his manager to a tournament as a way to test if the car is "Japan's Rolls-Royce".[27]

During its release in 2008, the Dacia Sandero was frequently mentioned as a running gag in the show's News feature, with the presenters' increasingly sarcastic excitement highlighting their opinion that the car was of no real importance to anybody. James May would sarcastically say "Good News! The Dacia Sandero..." and it would follow with a pointless fact about the Sandero. In the first episode of series 14, the crew actually went to Romania, where Sandero is built. While there, Jeremy bought a Sandero for May, but it was promptly crushed by a lorry.

Also in series 14 Clarkson tested the Renault Twingo in Belfast following a complaint from one of the city's residents. Despite catching a cold on the ferry getting there, he admitted he loved the car. However, he did some rather strange things, including driving it "upside down" in the Belfast Sewage System. In a joke gag, Clarkson ended up driving the car into Belfast Lough after an attempt to land it on the HSS Stena Voyager after missing boarding times. Throughout the review it was revealed Ross Kemp was in the boot.

Significant cars

The programme occasionally celebrates anniversaries of notable vehicles, presenting short review films of non-contemporary cars to highlight why they are historically significant. These reviews are distinct from the various challenges involving old cars, because the subject matter is addressed in a more serious and factual manner. Reviews include:

Car Series & episode
Ford Escort RS1800 Series One, Episode Two
Citroën DS Series One, Episode Three
Bentley T2 Series Two, Episode One
Rover P5 Series Two, Episode Two
Jaguar Le Mans C-Type & Mark 2 Series Two, Episode Four
Triumph TR6 Series Two, Episode Five
GM HyWire Series Two, Episode Nine
BMW M1, M3 & M5 Series Three, Episode Two
Lamborghini Miura Series Three, Episode Four
Lamborghini Countach Series Three, Episode Four
Volkswagen Corrado
VR6 &
Mercedes-Benz 190E 2.5-16 Cosworth
Series Three, Episode Five
Aston Martin V8 Vantage Series Three, Episode Six
Mercedes-Benz 280SL Series Three, Episode Eight
Aston Martin Lagonda Series Three, Episode Eight
Dodge Charger 440 R/T Series Four, Episode Three
Jaguar XJS Series Four, Episode Six
Rover V8 engine & Rover SD1 Series Four, Episode Eight
Mercedes-Benz 300SL Gullwing Series Five, Episode Five
Maserati Biturbo & 250F Series Six, Episode Two
Maserati Bora Series Six, Episode Three
Aston Martin DB5 & Jaguar E-type Series Six, Episode Five
Ford Transit Series Six, Episode Seven
British racing green & Vanwall F1 Series Seven, Episode Two
Modern control layout Featuring:
Benz Motorwagen,
Royal Enfield quad bike,
De Dion-Bouton,
Ford Model T,
Cadillac Type 53,
Austin 7
Series Ten, Episode Eight
Ferrari Daytona Series Twelve, Episode Five
British Touring Car Championship Featuring:
Jaguar Mark 2,
Ford Falcon,
Chevrolet Camaro,
Ford Mustang,
Leyland Mini,
Ford Sierra RS Cosworth
Series Twelve, Episode Seven

Car of the Year

At the end of each autumn series the hosts present an award to their favourite car of the year. The only criterion for the award is that all three presenters must come to a unanimous choice. Winners have included:

Year Car
2002 Land Rover Range Rover
2003 Rolls-Royce Phantom
2004 Volkswagen Golf GTI
2005 Bugatti Veyron
2006 Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder
2007 Ford Mondeo or Subaru Legacy Outback
2008 Caterham Seven R500
2009 Lamborghini Gallardo LP550-2 Valentino Balboni

Car of the Decade

Decade Car
2000s Bugatti Veyron

Ownership survey

From 2003 to 2006, Top Gear conducted an annual survey which consults thousands of UK residents on their car-ownership satisfaction. The survey asks respondents to score cars on build quality, craftsmanship, driving experience, ownership costs, and customer care. While for legal reasons the survey is now conducted via the Top Gear magazine, the results are still used on the show. The survey, formerly undertaken in conjunction with J.D. Power, is now conducted by Experian. Based on these weighted criteria, the best and worst ranked cars from the survey are:

Year Best Ranked Worst Ranked
2003 Jaguar XJ[28] Volkswagen Sharan[29]
2004 Honda S2000 Mercedes M-Class
2005 Honda S2000 Peugeot 807
2006 Honda S2000 Peugeot 807

Ending credits

For the special episodes, the programme alters the end credits to reflect its locale, replacing everybody's first name with one reminiscent of the area. The first time this was done was for the "Winter Olympics Special"[30] episode, filmed in Lillehammer, Norway, where everybody was named Björn after Björn Ulvaeus, except for Hammond, May and The Stig, who took the names Benny, Agnetha and Anni-Frid as a reference to the other members of ABBA. The end credits of the American Road Trip episode in series 9 named Clarkson as 'Cletus Clarkson', Hammond as 'Earl Hammond Jr.', May as 'Ellie May May', The Stig as 'Rosco P. Stig' and replaced the first names of all other crew members with 'Billy Bob'.

Furthermore, in the Polar Special all first names in the ending credits were replaced with Sir Ranulph, in reference to the explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes, who had also made an appearance early in the episode. In the African Adventure Special[31] all were called Archbishop Desmond, while for the Vietnam road trip special, everyone's first name was replaced with Francis Ford as a nod to the Vietnam War epic Apocalypse Now.

The one regular episode where the credits were tampered with was the last episode of series 8. Reflecting the episode's main challenge, Clarkson, Hammond and May's first names were altered to those supposedly typical of van drivers; Lee, Wayne and Terry respectively.

Soundtrack

Top Gear has used an adaptation of The Allman Brothers Band's instrumental hit "Jessica" as its theme song since the original series started in 1977. The show used part of the original Allmans' recording of the song up until the late 1990s, but later series and the 2002 relaunch use updated cover versions.

During series 6, May hosted a segment showing nominations for the greatest song to drive to, the final list of ten was voted for by write-in nominations on the Top Gear website, the top five were then submitted for phone vote by viewers of the show. Songs in the top 10 were:

Rank Band Song
10 Fleetwood Mac "The Chain"
9 AC/DC "Highway to Hell"
8 Led Zeppelin "Immigrant Song"
7 Kenny Loggins "Danger Zone"
6 Motörhead "Ace of Spades"
5 Deep Purple "Highway Star"
4 Steppenwolf "Born to Be Wild"
3 Meat Loaf "Bat Out of Hell"
2 Golden Earring "Radar Love"
1 Queen "Don't Stop Me Now"

It included continual complaining from the presenters about the presence of "Bat Out of Hell" on the list (which was leading as of the selection of the top five) and its promotional segment included such visuals as cars being towed away and gridlocked streets. On the other hand, the equivalent "Don't Stop Me Now" segment was the exact opposite, featuring open roads and being described as "a joy" and "a song for life" in the voiceover.

In addition, pre-recorded film segments feature a variety of music clips. Along with classic, contemporary, post-rock and occasional dance tracks, excerpts from film and video game soundtracks are used, including Halo, The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Gears of War, Back to the Future, The Matrix, The Guns of Navarone, The Battle of Britain, The Dark Knight, Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory, Command and Conquer: Red Alert, Command and Conquer 3: Tiberium Wars, Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace.

DVD and CD releases

Top Gear has released several collections of "driving songs" on CD. These releases started during the original series run in the 1990s (though this list only reflects releases made during the current presentation format).

Name Release date Notes
Top Gear: The Greatest Driving Album This Year! 10 November 2003 2-CD package
Top Gear: The Ultimate Driving Experience 14 November 2005 2-CD box set
Top Gear Anthems 2007: The Greatest Ever Driving Songs 21 May 2007 2-CD package. The first four tracks are selections from the top driving songs as decided in series six.
Top Gear: Seriously Cool Driving Music 12 November 2007 2-CD package
Top Gear Anthems: The Greatest December 2007 3-CD package, import
Top Gear Anthems 2008: Seriously Hot Driving Music 2 June 2008 2-CD package
Top Gear: Sub Zero Driving Anthems 17 November 2008 2-CD package
Top Gear: Seriously Rock 'N' Roll 2009 2-CD package

A number of DVDs have also been released.

Name Release date Notes
Top Gear: Back in the Fast Lane — The Best of Series 1 & 2 27 October 2003 Includes highlights from series 1 and 2.
Top Gear: The Best of Series Three and Four TG magazine (April 2004) Issued with Top Gear magazine, containing 33 minutes of footage from the third and fourth series, some of which was originally unbroadcast.
New Jaguar XK & Aston Martin V8 at the Ring TG magazine (May 2005) Issued with Top Gear magazine, an hour-long DVD narrated by Richard Hammond and presented by German Top Gear presenter Sabine Schmitz.
Top Gear: Revved Up 6 June 2005 Contains highlights from series 3–5, along with outtakes and other unbroadcast material.
Top Gear's 007: The Best Car Chases TG magazine (September 2005) Issued with Top Gear magazine, containing 37 minutes of clips from 13 James Bond films.
Top Gear: The Races TG magazine (March 2006) Issued with Top Gear magazine, containing 33 minutes of three Top Gear races featured during series 1–7.
Top Gear: Winter Olympics 5 June 2006 Contains Winter Olympics Special from series 7, outtakes and additional footage.
Top Gear: The Collection 18 December 2006 Contains Revved Up, Winter Olympics and Back in the Fast Lane.
Top Gear: The Challenges TG magazine (May 2007) Issued with Top Gear magazine, a compilation of Top Gear challenges.
Top Gear's Greatest Movie Chases Ever TG magazine (July 2007) Issued with Top Gear magazine, containing 45 minutes of clips from ten classic car chase movies.
Richard Hammond's Top Gear Interactive Challenge 12 November 2007 Interactive DVD presented by Richard Hammond, containing Top Gear-style quizzes, challenges and competitions.
Top Gear: The Great Adventures 3 March 2008 Includes the Polar Challenge (Director's Cut) and American Road Trip specials, featuring additional material and outtakes.
Top Gear: Planes, Rockets and Automobiles TG magazine (April 2008) Issued with Top Gear magazine and containing 45 minutes of clips mostly taken from The Challenges 2 DVD.
Top Gear: The Challenges 2 2 June 2008 Second compilation of Top Gear challenges, including outtakes and additional material.
Top Gear Polar Special: The Director's Cut 20 October 2008 Extended cut of the Polar Special, only available on Blu-ray Disc.
Top Gear: The Challenges 1 & 2 Collection 10 November 2008 Contains The Challenges and The Challenges 2.
Richard Hammond's Top Gear Interactive Stunt Challenge 14 November 2008 Interactive DVD presented by Richard Hammond, containing Top Gear-style quizzes, challenges and competitions.
Top Gear: The Great Adventures Vol. 2 23 March 2009 Includes Botswana and Vietnam Road Trip specials (the former in an extended cut), featuring audio commentary, deleted scenes and photos.
Top Gear: The Best of The Stig TG magazine (April 2009) Issued with Top Gear magazine, containing 60 minutes of footage.
Top Gear: The Complete Tenth Series 21 April 2009 Includes all ten episodes from the tenth series (only released in the US, Australia and Canada).
Top Gear: Collection 2.0 28 April 2009 Includes The Challenges Vol. 1 and The Great Adventures Vol. 1 (only released in Australia).
Top Gear: The Challenges 3 8 June 2009 A third selection of challenges, taken from series 10–12.
Top Gear: The Great Adventures Collection 16 November 2009 A box-set containing the previous four Great Adventures along with new bonus features.
Top Gear Uncovered: The DVD Special 16 November 2009 Presented by Richard Hammond and containing previously unbroadcast material.
Top Gear: The Complete Eleventh Series 12 January 2010 Includes all six episodes from the eleventh series (released in Australia, The US and Canada).
Top Gear: The Complete Twelfth Series 12 January 2010 Includes all seven episodes from the twelfth series and the Vietnam Special (released in the US and Canada).
Top Gear: The Great Adventures 3 22 March 2010 Includes The Bolivia Special and The Romania Special from Series 14 and Bonnivlle Special from Series 12.

Awards and nominations

In November 2005, Top Gear won an International Emmy in the Non-Scripted Entertainment category.[32] In the episode where the presenters showed the award to the studio audience, Clarkson joked that he was unable to go to New York to receive the award since he was too busy writing the script for the show.

Top Gear has also been nominated in three consecutive years (2004–2006) for the British Academy Television Awards in the Best Feature category. Clarkson was also nominated in the best "Entertainment Performance" category in 2006.[33] In 2004 and 2005, Top Gear was also nominated for a National Television Award in the Most Popular Factual Programme category; it won the award in 2006, 2007 and 2008. Accepting the award in October 2007, Richard Hammond made the comment that they really deserved it this year, because he didn't have to crash to get some sympathy votes.[34]

Top Gear presenters have also announced on the show that they have won some slightly lower profile awards. In Series 10, Richard Hammond won the award for the "Best TV Haircut" and James May won the award for the worst. All three presenters have won the award for Heat magazine's "weirdest celebrity crush" revealed during the news. In series 11, the Stig won an award from the Scouts for Services to Instruction. After revealing that, the Stig was shown "attacking" the Scouts, and the presenters coming to the conclusion that he is either terrified of Scouts or was a Girl Guide.

At the end of 2009 Top Gear was voted best programme of the decade in a Channel 4-commissioned survey, The Greatest TV Shows of the Noughties, ahead of The Apprentice and Doctor Who in second and third places respectively. Industry insiders and television pundits voted; also a thousand members of the public took part in a YouGov poll. The results were broadcast on Sunday 27 December 2009 at 9:00 pm, the same time as the Bolivia Special on BBC Two.[35][36][37]

Criticism

Top Gear has often been criticised for content inside programmes by the public and Ofcom. Most of these stem from comments from the presenting team; however, other aspects of the programme have been underlined as unsuitable. Incidents and content ranging from (but not limited to) offensive remarks,[38] promoting irresponsible driving,[39] environmental issues,[40] ridiculing Germans[41][42] and homophobia[43] have generated complaints from people, groups, and government.

Clarkson himself has been critical of the BBC over handling of the programme. In the February 2006 issue of Top Gear magazine, Clarkson voiced his opinion that the BBC did not take Top Gear seriously. He has also commented on his dislike of BBC bosses for choosing the length of the series and for often replacing the show with snooker (which Clarkson labelled as "drunk men playing billiards"), despite Top Gear having considerably higher viewing figures.[44]

International productions

United States

In January 2006 the official Top Gear website ran a feature about the filming of an American version of the show, produced by the Discovery Channel.[45]

In April 2007, the BBC reported on a Sun story that Top Gear had been in talks about creating an American version. The current presenters would remain as hosts, but the show would focus on American cars and include American celebrities.[46] The Sun reported in July, however, that plans for an American version had been shelved, partly over Clarkson's misgivings about spending several months in the U.S., away from his family.[47]

In June 2008, NBC announced it ordered a pilot episode for an American version of Top Gear, to be produced by BBC Worldwide America[48], and presented by television and radio host Adam Carolla, stunt driver Tanner Foust, and television carpenter Eric Stromer.[49] To date, NBC has not placed the programme on its schedule, holding it as a spring/summer season replacement.[50]

In February 2009, Jeremy Clarkson (while in Australia during an interview about the Top Gear Australia spin-off), commented that the U.S. version of the show had been "canned". He went on to say that the Americans "don't get it".[51]

In February 2010, it was announced that cable channel History had picked up the series and ordered between 10 and 12 episodes.[citation needed]

Australia

On 19 November 2007, it was revealed that a localised Australian series of Top Gear would be produced by the Special Broadcasting Service network in conjunction with Freehand Productions, BBC Worldwide's Australasian partner. This announcement marks the first time a deal has been struck for a version of Top Gear to be produced exclusively for a foreign market. No indication was given as to the exact makeup of the show, other than that it would have a distinct Australian style.[52] SBS ran a competition to find hosts for the show, and in May 2008 confirmed that the presenters for the Australian programme were to be Charlie Cox, Warren Brown, Steve Pizzati and a local 'cousin' of The Stig.[53] James Morrison replaced Charlie for the second season of Top Gear Australia. Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson added, "I'm delighted that Top Gear is going to Australia."[54] It was announced that the Nine Network had secured the rights to the local and UK versions from 2010 on both its Nine and Go! stations.[55]

Russia

On 14 October 2008, the Top Gear website confirmed that a Russian edition of the programme was scheduled for production by the end of that year. Initially, 15 episodes were scheduled.[56] It was revealed on 20 December that the pilot, branded Top Gear: Russian Version, was filmed for broadcast on 22 February 2009.[57] The format is similar to its British counterpart, with three hosts: Nikolai Fomenko, Oscar Kuchera, and Mikhail Petrovsky.[citation needed]

References

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  33. ^ Bafta TV Awards 2006: The shortlist |accessdate = 2008-11-25.
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  50. ^ Futon Critic Staff (2008-05-14). "NBC Details New Beers Series, Midseason Options". Futon Critic. http://www.thefutoncritic.com/news.aspx?id=7647. Retrieved 2008-11-30. 
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  52. ^ "Car fans wanted for Aussie 'Top Gear'". NEWS.com.au. 2007-11-19. http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22782602-29277,00.html. Retrieved 2007-11-19. 
  53. ^ "SBS wheels out its Top Gear team". theaustralian.news.com.au. 2008-05-29. http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,23775464-7582,00.html. Retrieved 2008-05-29. 
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  55. ^ "Top Gear ready to park itself at Nine". theage.com.au. 2009-10-23. http://www.theage.com.au/news/entertainment/tv--radio/top-gear-ready-to-park-itself-at-nine/2009/10/23/1256147879814.html. Retrieved 2009-10-31. 
  56. ^ Top Gear goes Russia TopGear.com (2008-10-14)
  57. ^ Final Gear — Top Gear Russia Pilot Has Been Filmed, Airs February 22nd

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Top Gear (2002–present) is a BAFTA and Emmy Award winning BBC television series about motor vehicles, mainly cars.

Contents

Series 1

October 20th, 2002 [1.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: This... is a car programme. There will be no cushions, there will be no rag-rolling, no-one will sing, and at the end of the series, no-one will have a recording contract. This is our new base, and this is our purpose-built test track. There are no traffic jams here, ooh... apart from this one, and no bus-lanes either. This... is Top Gear! And in the show tonight: I put 2 supercars head-to-head; Jason Dawe on "What to do when car dealers attack;" Richard Hammond tries to beat a speed camera; and the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

October 27th, 2002 [1.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's show: a supercar from a shed in Leicestershire; a rock star in our Reasonably-Priced car; and how many bikes can you jump with a bus.

November 3, 2002 [1.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's show: Grannies doing Doughnuts; is the new Mini any good?; Ultimate Force in our Reasonably-Priced car; and the bed spring with a bike engine takes on the Zonda around our track.

November 10th, 2002 [1.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Steve Coogan has a go in our reasonably priced car; buying a used Nissan Skyline; and we give world rally champion Richard Burns a taste of his own medicine.

Jeremy: [to a young woman on the street] What have you got for a price of a Vanquish, then...? That house there?
Young Woman: Mmm-hmm
Jeremy: Detached house: three bedrooms; lounge, whatever one of those is... three bedroom house, for about the same as the Aston. Would you rather have that house or that car.
Young Woman: The car.
Jeremy: Good girl.

Jeremy: Jesus had a Honda: John 12:49: For I did not speak of my own accord

November 17th, 2002 [1.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The most relaxing way to spend 280,000 pounds on a car; Richard reveals a budget Bond car; and a floppy haired star in our reasonably priced car.

[on the Bentley]
Jeremy: You probably think there's nothing to be scared of. You probably think you can handle it--like heroin. But look... I mean, I'm going 60 miles an hour--just a little cough [lets out a cartoonish cough] and we're doing 70... and then we're going 80... and now we're doing 90... I'm and starting to feel drowsy, 'cause it's so relaxing, as we go past 100, and 110 [trails off]... 130!

November 24th, 2002 [1.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: Evidence that the French have gone mad; evidence that the Germans have gone mad; and as an oasis of sanity, the grannies are back!

Jeremy: One of these days, he's gonna kill himself and we're gonna need a new Stig.

[Presenting the new BMW Z4]
Richard: You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.

December 1st, 2002 [1.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: rock star in our reasonably priced car; I learn how to drive a Lotus Elise properly; and it's religious racing as we find the fastest faith.

[on the fastest faith]
Jeremy: It's the 16th Century all over again! The Catholics come in second!

December 8th, 2002 [1.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: A Knight in our reasonably priced car; Maserati's new coupe takes on our track; and lock out your door mirrors: we set out to find Britain's fastest white van driver.

Jeremy: Now you said to me before we went out, you said, "Can you roll it," and I said "No no!"
Michael Gambon: No, I didn't mean--I thought, "would it roll?"
Jeremy: Well, yes, plainly all the evidence...

Jeremy: While we're on the subject of parking, I, um... you know where we nail this program together, it's in the middle of London, okay, there's a multi-storey car park next door, two hours, nine pounds in there. So if you're two hours and five minutes, eighteen quid. Well, I went into Oxford last weekend, parked on double-yellow lines, right outside where I wanted to be, okay? Took the children out for lunch, went to see James Bond, got back five hours later... twenty quid parking ticket. That's pretty reasonable!

December 22nd, 2002 [1.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's Top Gear: The ultimate family cars; what is the best hot hatchback; and the Stig meets his match on our track.

Jeremy: No, you see I had one last week: Boxster S, new car, fantastic really, the most beautifully balanced... I felt like a prat.

December 29th, 2002 [1.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's top gear: The Mick Jagger of supercars; our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith; and the Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.

Jason: ...and the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car...
Jeremy: Yeah...
Jason: ...in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President.

Series 2

May 11th, 2003 [2.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Richard Hammond in a V8 tumbledryer; The classiest way to bankrupt yourself; And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car!

Jeremy: It's the trouble, brothers and sisters - they're all related.

James: [On his Bentley T2] I've got furniture that handles better than this thing!

[while driving a Bowler Wildcat off-road vehicle]
Richard: I am a driving god!

Jeremy: It's in the script I should argue with you, but I'm not going to because I love that car. Anyway, that's it for this evening, and--
Richard: Actually, no it's not, that isn't it, because--
Jeremy: It seems the Driving God has more to say, at this point. What is it, Driving God?
Richard: Things I wish I'd never said...

[on the Smart Roadster's transmission]
Jeremy: The thing is, it's a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power sta-- I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I'm gonna swap some cogs around!"

[on the Smart Roadster]
Jeremy: In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry the Eighth.

May 18th, 2003 [2.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's Top Gear: Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels; A German sledgehammer in a velvet bag; And which is the fastest political party?

May 25th, 2003 [2.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A new take on the world's worst BMW; A Starsky, in our reasonably priced Hutch; And the world's finest supercars, head to head.

James: What would you say if I said, Perodua Kelisa?
Richard: Ooh, bless you!

James: [reviewing a Perodua Kelisa] This [holds up sandwich close to camera] is a bacon sandwich. And this [removes the top half to show the vehicle] is a car.

June 1st, 2003 [2.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car; A nice relaxing smoke in a new Aston Martin; And a mad Jag, gone bad.

Jeremy: [While listening to Radio 1] "You listen to this chap, he wants to bitch-slap his ho. Why not? Good luck to you, fella."

Jeremy: [After stopping at John o'Groats after his Jaguar XJ-test how far he can go without getting bored] Oh dear, I seem to have run out of country.

June 8th, 2003 [2.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man sized blast from the past; Renault puts a V6 rocket in your pocket; And which takes longer to change: a gearbox, or a woman's outfit?

Jeremy: This is Sharon, okay? She's all woman, she is the 911 Turbo. Now, standing next to her is Vicky. Now Vicky, on the surface, appears to be exactly the same, but this is a body kit. Vicky's been enhanced, and so, consequently, is the C4S. And, moving along, we find Amanda. Amanda is the Carrera 4. Enough of a handful for most people. Your choice.
Richard: You know what, I've always been a bit of a turbo man myself...

Richard: Now, this is really quite simple, ok? Understeer works like this: [moving a model of a Ford Focus in a straight line] you drive down the road, turn the [steering] wheel, but the car goes straight on, crashes into a tree and you die. OVERsteer works like this: [moving a model of a BMW series 3] you drive down the same bit of road, turn the wheel, but the back of the car comes round like this [showing how the car fishtails 180 degrees], and you go off the road, crash into a tree and you die. Now, oversteer is best, because you don't see the tree that kills you.

[Jeremy and Richard are agreeing that middle-aged men can't drive convertibles]
James: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I have to stop you there. I hate to interrupt, but this is quite honestly the biggest load of limp-wristed twaddle I've ever heard in all my 5 weeks in television. These two- these two are not men, okay? This one, Richard Hammond: every morning sticks his head in a bucket of hair product, right? He's got a dog, but it's a poodle! And I don't know what you're laughing about, Clarkson, because you won't drink brown beer and this is the man who says, 'flatulence? Oh, it's not funny!' when clearly it is! Right. I am actually the only proper bloke on this programme, okay? I live in a tumbledown house full of old motorbikes. And I think a bloke can drive a convertible- but- it has to be the right one.

[On a comparison between a rally team changing most of the underbody of a rallycar vs. girls getting ready for a big night out.]
Jeremy: So the rally team got the car changed in...
Richard: 27 minutes
Jeremy: 27 minutes - and the women took...
Richard: Don't know, got bored, we left. To be honest, we packed up everything, stuff in the van, off, still going, talking, things like that.
Jeremy: I don't think men and women should be allowed to go out with one another.
Richard: I don't think it works!
Jeremy: Men should go out with men.
Richard: You're making me nervous. Stop it!

[On the Renault Clio V6.]
Jeremy: Imagine watching the entire French air force crash into a fireworks factory. That's how much of a laugh this car is.

[On the Renault Clio V6 with overdone French accent.]
Jeremy: I don't want to go around this corner fast. I want to go home and Make Love and make Cheese because that's what I like doing most of all because I'm French!

June 15th, 2003 [2.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On this week's Top Gear: The Driving God does a track day; A foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge; And we try to set a new land speed record.

[on the Vauxhall VX220]
Jeremy: You'll notice all these things and you'd would think that that is a pretty car, well done Vauxhall. I'll have the Lotus.

[on the Vauxhall VX220]
Jeremy: A foie gras car with a luncheon meat badge.

[To Countdown presenter Richard Whiteley]
Jeremy: Listen, I want to play a game with you, okay? This "Countdown" thing, okay? This rearranging letters, yes? [Points to a bloke in an FCUK shirt] What do you reckon?
Whiteley: I can't see that. I'm short sighted, thank goodness!

[On the Koenigsegg]
Jeremy: For instance, it's made from autoclaved epoxy pre-impregnated carbon fibre, it's a true semi-monocoque: the front end is mounted on a chrome molybdenum subframe, and the engine sits on top of a machined aluminium dry sump that's also a supporting beam for the rear subframe. That's interesting. And there's more, too, because none of this behind-the-scenes technology has interfered in any way with what Koenigsegg call the general ichthyomorphic design principle, these are the... the aesthetics. And the best bit of those aesthetics are the dihedral synchro-helix actuation doors.

[On the Koenigsegg]
Jeremy: You could drive this thing to the gym, turn around, go straight home again; you'd have had more exercise than if you'd done a workout!

June 22nd, 2003 [2.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A man behaving quickly in our reasonably priced car; A piece of monument valley with wheels; And the world's best looking car, in our hangar.

[On the price of a Hummer H2]
Jeremy: And it seems like quite a lot, when you peel away this amazing body and find out what's underneath. Yep, underneath the abs and the pecs is a GMC Tahoe, which is ugly, big, slow, and is completely flummoxed by snow, mud, gravel, soil, grass clippings, drizzle, or even a light breeze.

[On the Hummer H2]
Jeremy: And it stops like a duck on a frozen lake.

[On the Hummer H2]
Jeremy: It's a Roman orgy, a Hawaiian barbecue, a Viennese waltz, and a helicopter gunship attack on Las Vegas, all rolled into one... it's fantastic!

[Regarding Clarkson's review of the Hummer H2]
James: You're not seriously suggesting that this... revolting, plastic fronted piece of pig-iron is a serious alternative to something like an X5?

Richard: [On the Renault Mégane's interior] Mothers will be fishing kids out of obscure cubbyholes for years!

July 6th, 2003 [2.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard and James enjoy life under canvas; An Alfa Romeo waving its arms around; And Darth Vader, in a Honda Civic Type Fighter R.

James: [Commenting on the Audi A4 convertible] A diesel cabrio is like a supermodel smoking a pipe.

Jeremy: [On the Subaru Impreza WRX STi & Mitsubishi EVO VIII] "You know what these cars should be called like? The Mitsubishi 'Did you spill my pint?', and the Subaru 'You. Outside. NOW'."

July 13th, 2003 [2.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Captain Jean-Luc Picard at warp point nought nought nought one; The Dutch have made a car!; And bestill my beating heart! A new Vauxhall saloon.

[on Patrick Stewart]
Jeremy: This, bear in mind, is a man who managed to talk on his communicator while being assimilated by the Borg!

Jeremy: [whilst driving a Segway] They're made in America, of course, so that fat Yanks can go to the fridge without expending any energy.

Richard: [Regarding Jeremy Clarkson, with exaggerated Dutch accent] He is my partner, and also my lover! (a catchphrase of The Dutch Coppers, characters from Harry Enfield's Television Programme)

Richard: Aw, mate, I'm never going to be able to get that out of my mind! What I've just been: jammed between Jeremy's thighs in a Dutch three-wheeler! Ooh, yeah!

July 20th, 2003 [2.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A 65,000 pound car for the people!; A Range Rover at 45 degrees; And the new Bentley coupe comes to our studio.

Jeremy: "...This is the first ever evidence of a german joke. But sadly, it isn't"

Jeremy: "Now this is what I call shock and awe" (About the Cadillac Sixteen prototype)

James: I like luxury. It's the new performance. [Commenting on the Cadillac Sixteen prototype]

Jeremy: If you have any thoughts or opinions on what you've seen in the last ten weeks, do please keep them to yourselves.

Series 3

October 28th, 2003 [3.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: In tonight's programme: As you've just seen - The Stig has gone Top Gun; James will be looking at the new 5-Series BMW and I'll be giving myself a brain tumour!

Jeremy: "I love people's faces in traffic jams, they always look so miserable... it could be worse, you could be shot in the back of the head by a marksman." (Stuck in a motorway traffic jam in a VW Lupo diesel)

[on the Porsche 911 GT3]
Richard: The engine's at the wrong end, yeah... so what? Sure, it's a flaw, but it's a flaw like Cindy Crawford's mole, J Lo's enormous buttocks. It's become its defining feature. It's the whole point of the car.

November 2nd, 2003 [3.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: we drive like this... (showing a corner being tackled sideways) on the road!!!... Stephen Fry in our Reasonably-Priced Car... and how many caravans can you jump with a Volvo?

Jeremy: Isn't the Isle of Man just amazing?
Richard: It's fabulous! It's like someone's gone out and designed Top Gear fantasy island specially for us!
James: I was absolutely blown away by those kippers.
Richard: Yes the kippers were good--
Jeremy: Yes but there's no speed limits here James! Ooh I know but the kippers!
James: I'll have another kipper.
Richard: They were good though!

Jeremy: (To Stephen Fry) Have you ever been to the Isle of Man?
Stephen: Yes, you go to the airport and say "I love Man!" and they say, "Not here you don't!"

Jeremy: Some of the laws they have are fabulous! Handguns, for instance, are legal, there! And you can get charged with "Furious Driving!" I'd love to have that on my license!

Stephen: Yes... yes... you've written well and turgidly about Norfolk!
Jeremy: I can remember, not that long ago, driving along a main road, filled up with petrol and I gave the bloke in the cashpoint my credit card... he just put it in the till! "No, no... no, no... you're supposed to swipe it..."

James: The reason, I think, that the Porsche is the best car here, you know when you drive some cars, you get a, a sense that the car is smiling, when you're driving?
Richard: What on earth are you talking about?"

November 9th, 2003 [3.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a car that you can hand on to your grandchilden; I engage reheat in a hot Saab; And Richard almost drowns!

Richard: [After he begins to drown in a car experimentally dropped into a swimming pool] And we'll find out later if I die..

Jeremy: [On the Saab 9-5 Hot Aero] The handling is just hysterical. It's like driving a fast bouncy castle!

November 16th, 2003 [3.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a green Lamborghini; James drives a blue Lamborghini; And I drive a yellow Lamborghini.

[Talking about Lamborghinis]
Jeremy: Let me put it this way: a picnic, okay? If you went, you'd want the Germans to make the hamper so the handles don't fall off, but you'd want the Italians to make the food, yes? That's what you get with that [points to Murciélago]; it's a German-Italian picnic where the Italians have done what they're good at and the Germans have done what they're good at. With this [points to Gallardo], the Germans have done ze food.

November 23rd, 2003 [3.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I attempt to destroy the indestructible; How fast can you go in a soft top before you lose your wig?; And we momentarily silence Simon Cowell.

[On the Hilux]
Jeremy: We love cars like this on Top Gear. That's why we love the Citroën Berlingo and the Daihatsu Charade; they're simple, honest-to-god engineering.

[After driving the pick-up down the steps]
Jeremy: [Voiceover] It has damaged my spine quite badly, doing this... And then it set about damaging Bristol.

[At the grassy part of the test track]
Jeremy: The problem is, what can we do here, that we haven't already tried? [The pick-up then drops behind Jeremy] Difficult one.

[Before the caravan drop on the Hilux]
Jeremy: The Americans have used daisy cutters on these things, to no avail. But I have something much more powerful... [cuts to a parked caravan; voiceover] The Mistral GT... [shows the same caravan dropped on the Hilux]

[After the Caravan Drop]
Jeremy: I honestly can't believe this; the steering is fine, the gearbox is fine, the low-range box is fine, the brakes are fine... Even the speedo's telling me we're doing thirty.

[Announcing the result of the Hilux torture test]
Jeremy: You won't probably believe this, ladies and gentlemen. I want a huge round of applause, IT IS STILL WORKING!

Simon: [On his fast lap] I wasn't even trying.

[after the end credits]
Simon: Can we just stop the competition now?
Jeremy: No, we bloody can't; I'm going to phone Damon Hill next week!

December 7th, 2003 [3.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives a pair of wheeled accessories; I discover if the Australians are better at cars than they are at rugby; And James tries to finish the job of killing our Toyota.

December 14th, 2003 [3.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard drives the new McLaren Mercedes; I try Birmingham's latest head banger; and we stage the first ever Top Gear Boffin Burnout.

Richard: [On the Noble] Oh, look! Jeremy's brought a plastic car!

James: The problem with the Morgan is it's just a car they forgot to stop making in the forties.

December 21st, 2003 [3.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Audi's new V6 ankle bracelet; A moment of madness from Aston Martin; And Johnny Vegas in our Reasonably-Priced Car - which should be interesting since he can't drive!

[while interviewing Johnny Vegas]
Johnny: I wanted a people carrier, but you've slated it so much on the show.
Jeremy: Well people carriers are for people who've given up.
Johnny: Look at me!

December 28th, 2003 [3.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Cameron Diaz tests Lamborghini's lightweight Murcielago naked; We drive Schumacher's F1 Ferrari; And our Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car is her Majesty, the Queen.

January 25th, 2004 [3.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, I test drive three different types of pile ointments, and find out which is king of the dangleberries: Anusol or Hemerol.

Series 4

May 9th, 2004 [4.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: an awful new car from Rover; a brilliant new car from Aston Martin; and the Apache helicopter gunship: can it get missile lock on a Lotus Exige?

Jeremy: "A dog makes a better noise than that if you tread on it" (Regarding a Strokes song the show used).

Jeremy: [trying to out-manoeuver an Apache helicopter's radar in a Lotus Exige] The best helicopter gunship in the world, flown by the best pilots in the world, the British Army, against the best handling car in the world, driven by an idiot.

Jeremy: Get out of the way, you foolish lorry! Why are you cluttering up our roads with Latvian milk?

[During the News Segment. Hammond has just mentioned the new mini. He is wearing a bright red shirt.]
Jeremy: Whoa, what are the noises for? Do you like it?
Audience (Including James): No!
Richard: Heck, I do, Actually, I think that looks great! [silence] Maybe it's the shirt?
Jeremy: How much is it going to cost?
Richard: It's going to cost... well, they'll generally be about £2 500 more than the equivalent hard top. So the Cooper S, the Supercharged version of that, £17 500, £15 500 for the coupe. About £13 500 I think for the mini one.
James: That's horrible.
Richard: Well, yeah, but the mini- it's not a cheap small car. It's an expensive small car. And I like that [points at mini].
Jeremy: It's a metrosexual car.
Richard and James: A What?
Jeremy: Metrosexual! It's the new thing! It's for the chap, he doesn't wanna be too butch, he doesn't wanna have like, you know, a big 4x4, he spends quite a bit of money on hair products- [gestures towards Richard]
Richard: Don't point at me, mate.
Jeremy: He's interested in shirts, probably wears cowboy boots- [Richard is looking sheepishly at his feet, which are clad in cowboy boots] -That kind of thing! He's a blend of gay and not-gay.
Richard: [talking over Jeremy] I am not a metro-flamin'-sexual!
Jeremy: You are a metrosexual! I can see you in one of those! [Points at the Mini Cooper's picture]
Richard: Apart from anything else, how would you know what a metrosexual is?
Jeremy: I'm not only in touch with my feminine side, I'm in touch with my gay side as well.
Richard: You're probably right.

May 16th, 2004 [4.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: a pink Ford; a black man's Cadillac; and I go berserk in a Silver Arrow.

[during a news segment]
Jeremy: Have you seen the back seats of the Discovery?
Richard: They're magnificent!
James: Fantastic!
Richard: It's worth getting one-- well you won't get one 'cos...
[Jeremy spots someone in the audience]
Jeremy: Jesus is here!
Richard: Well, we never knew!
Jeremy: Who have we booked as the guest this week?
Richard: Maybe he's not suppose to be on yet.
Jeremy: Is he the guest? That would be something, we'll have some viewers then!
Jesus: At least I'm not too tall for my hair, eh Jeremy?
Richard and James "Wahey!

James: I don't know quite what bling is, but this must be it! [pointing to FAB 1]
[Later, after he has done his review of it]
James: [sitting in the car in the studio] So, I aks [sic] you, is I bling?

(Crowd Laughs)

Jeremy: With that jacket on mate? I don't think so...

Richard: [After having seen himself unable to start a car after being hypnotised by Paul McKenna] I really don't like you.

Jeremy: (On the McLaren Mercedes SLR) "It sounds like the god of thunder gargling a hammer."

May 23rd, 2004 [4.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Jordan makes a boob in our Liana; Ferrari and Porsche go to war on our track; And we have some crashes on purpose.

Jeremy: (After seeing May's Audi 80)"You really can't believe that's a hundred quid car. I mean, I was ready to go, 'Oh no, James has bought a hen house'."

[During the ride to Manchester in their £100 cars]
Richard: If I were a rich man, bidibidibidibidibidibidibidiboom! Okay, I've done "If I Were a Rich Man." Any other suggestions?
Jeremy: If I were a tall man?
Richard: Funny...Very funny...

[about to crash his £100 Audi]
James: Well... It's been good. I met Jodie Kidd... and Stephen Fry.

[James has just crashed his £100 Audi]
Jeremy: Yes, he's dead, so that's ten points away there! And if you want a job on Top Gear, please write to Top Gear...
Richard: No, no wait, look! He's coming 'round!
Jeremy: He's alive!
Richard: He lives!... That's not ten points off, though. Blast.

[on crashing his £100 Audi]
James: [rather upbeat] That was probably the most unpleasant thing I've ever done!

Jeremy: I have a slight problem... My speedo isn't working...

[about to crash his £100 Volvo]
Jeremy: GERONIMO!

[Just after he crashed his Volvo]
Jeremy: "Damn, Damn, I think I missed the wall."

[During the 911 GT3 RS vs Ferrari 360 CS]
Jeremy: "Eat my exhausts, Badoer!"

[revealing how much he paid for his Volvo]
Jeremy: ONE POUND! One pound! Yes! The Volvo! Losers! Losers!

June 6th, 2004 [4.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Some big challenges; Can you play darts with cars?; Which is faster, a Ford or a pigeon; And can this new Porsche break the lap record on our track?

Jeremy: [while lying underneath a Porsche Carrera GT] I'm speaking to you now from inside one of the venturi tunnels!

Jeremy: Right, what we have here is a snooker table or as Richard Hammond calls it as he arrived this morning, "Crikey, a football pitch!"

Jeremy: My name... is Jack Bauer. And this is the most economical 24 hours of my life.

Richard: [After launching a car from a gas cannon down onto a parked caravan] That was a good feeling. Volvo kills caravan!
[At the end of the film]
Jeremy: You know? That's the nineteenth caravan we've destroyed on this programme in 12 months.

[On the new Mitsubishi Lancer and Subaru Impreza]
Richard: And the other thing is, every time they launch a new model, they try and outdo each other with the quantity of letters and numbers after the cars name. So! These are the two new models. This is the Subaru Impreza STi, WRX, WR, 1. And this is the Mitsubishi Lancer Evo. VIII, MR, FQ, 3, 20.

May 30th, 2004 [4.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Thora Hird's wardrobe on our track; Richard gets whacked with 800,000 volts; and we take three cars to the birthplace of British speed.

[Discussing the death of driver at "birthplace of British speed."]
Richard : Getting back to this head coming off business,
Jeremy : Yeah,
Richard : Presumably what happened was the car, what, dug in, flipped, rolled,
Jeremy : Several times.
Richard : Head came off.
Jeremy : Yeah.
Richard : Couldn't the same thing happen to us?
Jeremy : Ooh, I shouldn't think so.
Richard : Right.

Richard: [Sitting in a car in Germany, waiting to be struck by lightning] My life is now in the hands of A-level physics.

June 13th, 2004 [4.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We ask, can you run a car on a poo?; Have the Americans made something which can go round corners?; And the 'new' Jaguar XJS, is it any good?

Jeremy: There are shanty towns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!

Terry Wogan: Do you swerve to avoid rabbits?
Jeremy: Never. Do you?
Terry: No.
Jeremy: Foxes?
Terry: No!
Jeremy: No?
[silence]
Terry: ...children?
Jeremy: I do, I do... Children, yeah. I have swerved to avoid children.
Terry: You see, you see, you're too soft for this game.

Richard: [About the American-styled dashboard in the Cadillac CTS] The last time I saw plastic like this [taps it] it contained Tic-Tacs.

[on the Chevrolet SSR]
Jeremy: You'd drive that, would you?
Richard: Yes.
Jeremy: You live in Gloucestershire?
Richard: I do.
Jeremy: And you'd drive around in a purple convertible pickup truck?
Richard: Not a purple one, obviously...

Richard: damn, damn, stevespeed just OMGWALLD!"

July 11th, 2004 [4.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard try their hand at minicabbing; I drive a smoking jacket from Holland; and our Reasonably-Priced Car says Hello!... to Lionel Richie.

[on the Mercedes CL65]
Jeremy: ...it even has the traditional Mercedes voice activated computer which doesn't understand a blind word you're on about. Let me show you... Dial number.
Mercedes Computer: Dialling.
Jeremy: I haven't told you what to dial yet... Dial number.
Mercedes Computer: The number please?
Jeremy: [quickly] 01785.
Mercedes Computer: 0785.
Jeremy: No, you missed the one.
Mercedes Computer: Pardon?
Jeremy: You missed the one.
Mercedes Computer: The number is deleted, please continue.
Jeremy: See what I mean?
Mercedes Computer: 202.
Jeremy: Where did that come from?
Mercedes Computer: Pardon?
Jeremy: And so it goes on.

[on what it takes to become a minicabber]
James: I had to fill out a questionnaire, have my passport looked at, show my driving licence, have a medical and at no point did they ask if I had a sense of direction!

James: Right...we need to go... right, left, left, right, left, again... [turns the wrong way and curses loudly]

[on the Spyker C8]
Jeremy: Look at this horn, it's not the sort of aggressive thing you get on an Italian car, that "Errrrr!!! Get out of my way, earthling!" horn. It's more... a thing you use to attract the attention of other people in your tax haven. Morning Valentino! [waves and honks the horn]

July 18th, 2004 [4.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard says goodbye to a motoring icon; The fastest car in the world comes to our track; And how good is the Citroën 2CV in a crosswind?

July 25th, 2004 [4.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James and Richard take some cabrios to the wilds of Scotland; I go skiing on the B4796; And can you parachute into a moving car?

[during the Cool Wall]
Jeremy: [on the Fiat Barchetta] Who said it's still a Fiat? What's wrong with the Fiat?
Audience Member: They're not good. They're French!
Jeremy: Where the hell do we get this audience from?!
Richard: A gardening programme, mate...
Jeremy: Do you know what Fiat stands for, the "I" in it?! Italia!

[after Jeremy rants about the MG-F as being "for people with Beards, or Breasts"]
Richard: You know sometimes, when a thought pops into your head? You should kinda leave it there...and not put it out in the world.
Jeremy: [apparently shocked] Did I just say that all out loud, then?
Richard: Oh, yes mate, sorry, you did.
Jeremy: God another thought's just popped into my head, 'bout how like the cat in Shrek 2 you look like.

August 1st, 2004 [4.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James tries to get a sofa in a Volvo estate; The Hamster goes to see the 'Vette; And I go off road in a BMW that can't.

Richard: [On the Corvette] The clutch is making my left leg hurt, and the gear change has been taken straight out of a Victorian signal box.

Richard: [On the Corvette] This, then, is America's Porsche 911. But here in Europe, we already have a Porsche 911. It's called the Porsche 911.

Richard: [On the Corvette] So, can this one follow in the tradition of its government and get up other countries' noses?

James: [On the Volvo V50] There's a touch of Ikea to all this, but, reassuringly, an expert has put it all together.

[On the BMW X3]
Jeremy: And if you are clinically insane, by which I mean you wake up in the morning and think you are an onion, here's your car.

Series 5

October 24th, 2004 [5.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: just the thing for an already confused world, another Porsche 911; we get sand in the trunks of 3 muscle cars; and how many bouncy castles can you jump in an ice-cream van?

Jeremy: (About the previous generation of Porsche 911) "[...] it wasn't so much a car, more a place where a fat, balding, middle-aged man could go off and have his mid-life crisis... I liked it a lot!"

James: [on the Monaro's high gearing and enormous torque] Here we are, doing sixty miles an hour, in top gear [6th], and the engine is doing 1,500rpm... It's idling! You fat Aussie slacker!

James: [Testing the Chrysler 300C on the beach] Stop interfering, you piece of... cheap electronic tat!

Jeremy: [On the Porsche Carrera 911] So to sum up. The new Carrera is pretty much the same as old one expect the gear lever comes off. This, however, is not a standard Carrera. This is a Carrera S. And the S stands for: So, fat balding middle-age man, go and have your mid-life crisis somewhere else.

Jeremy: [On the Porsche 911 range] "And then the 3.8 S with the chrono sport pack, for thin, chiselled-jawed people who have no friends. Like the Stig, for instance!"

Jeremy: "The Americans lecture the world on democracy and then won't let me turn the traction control off!"

[On the Hummer aftershave]
Jeremy: It comes in a jerrycan of repressed homosexuality.

October 31st, 2004 [5.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: the Ferrari Enzo, the Jaguar XJ220, the Pagani Zonda, the McLaren F1, the Ferrari F40 and the Porsche Carrera GT!

[comparing the Porsche Carrera GT to the McLaren F1]
Jeremy: This car, then, ticks all the health-and-safety boxes. It's like an Airbus, very safe and very civilized, where as the old McLaren... that's like Concorde. Unfortunately, like Concorde, it was flawed. Even its biggest fans, and I'm not one of them, say that the gearbox is clunky, the steering's too heavy, the front's too vague, and the back end... is skittish.

[on the McLaren F1]
Jeremy: You know that bit in Dr. Strangelove, when Peter Sellers is astride the nuclear missile? That's what it's like... You don't know where you're going, you're in no real control, you just know the journey's going to end very soon, and very badly!

[While testing a Ferrari Enzo borrowed from Pink Floyd drummer Nick Mason.]
Jeremy: Ummagumma!

Jeremy: This is the division bell between the ordinary and the absolutely astonishing.

Jeremy: That is the delicate sound of thunder" [referring to the noise made by the V12 engine]

Jeremy: You set the controls for the heart of the sun, and just like that... you're on the dark side of the Moon.

Jeremy: Atom heart mother!

Jeremy: It's a saucerful of secrets!

Jeremy: Ohh.. wish you were here, just to feel this power!

Jeremy: These cars, then, are like one of Mr. Blair's speeches, or a pensions commercial, which amounts to the same thing.

Jeremy: All that comes out of the exhaust pipes on this Porsche, are baby foxes.

Jeremy: Supercars are supposed to run over Arthur Scargill, and then run over him again, for good measure. They're designed to melt ice-caps, kill the poor, poison the water table, destroy the ozone layer, decimate indigenous wildlife, recapture the Falkland Islands, and turn the entire Third World into a huge uninhabitable desert... but only after they've nicked all the oil.

James: Bill Bryson. Well, I think that man is a danger, frankly. If there is one thing I can't stand it's beardy, sanctimonious, patronising Americans in tartan trousers coming to England and trying to persuade us to turn into a museum. He wants the East End for the cheeky Cockney chaps pushing wheelbarrows full of eels and he wants northernists to be industrialists with big braces and blokes dying of consumption - Good morning Bill, I've got the consumption, it's tradition alright. I say Bill, if you're watching - OK, now you won't be watching because we're not talking about steam engines or longboats or bear-baiting - but IF you've happened to tune in by mistake: We're not interested in your views of stupid Americans who come over here with their big video cameras saying Gee, I love your history, it's just so old. SOD OFF!

Jeremy: Ooh. Just before we do the news, we've had a letter. Got to share it with you... um... Here- pink note paper- all the i's have got little circles on them- ready? Dear Richard...
Richard: [very calm thus far] Oh, right.
Jeremy: [reading] Yeah, I watch Top Gear, I think you're the best looking guy on the program.
Richard: [frowning] That's hardly an achievement, is it?
Jeremy: You're cool- fair point- [he means that it's hardly an achievement to be the best looking guy, not that Hammond is cool] You're cool, good looking, ace hairstyle, wicked clothes...
Richard: She said that? She sounds all right!
Jeremy: Best wishes... that's ah- that's um, Stuart.
[Audience laughs]
Richard: It's a modern world, that's all right.
Jeremy: But it gets better, because would you like to know Stuart's address?
Richard: Not really, no...
Jeremy: The Folkestone Wing, Her Majesty's Prison, Broadmoor.
Richard: Broadmoor?
Jeremy: He's getting out soon and he wants to know-
Richard: But he could be watching now! Shut up!
Jeremy: [Raising a hand to shush Hammond] No, listen- 'What did you do with all of the shirts from the last series; can I have them?'
Richard: No! No you c- Or wait, yes, I- How long's he gonna be... at that address...? Do we know?
James: Um, it's better than that. Stuart, come on in! [Richard is terrified] No, I'm kidding.
Richard: I don't like that.

November 7th, 2004 [5.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard finds the world's maddest car... in Switzerland; an absolutely fabulous Star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and the new Viper attempts to write its own name... in rubber!

Jeremy: (Reading a safety warning on the Viper) "'This is an open vehicle - drive carefully.' No!"

Jeremy: Anyone familiar with the old Viper simply wouldn't believe the features that are available on this one, the sequel. I mean, it has a space which can be used for transporting goods. Look at this, it has a roof which can be raised and then lowered depending on prevailing weather conditions. I love this - if you touch this button here, glass rises out of the door. And - I love this - the pedals can be adjusted using electricity. This car is so sophisticated it could write its own name." (He then proceeds to write "Viper" with skidmarks)

November 14th, 2004 [5.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Richard wets himself in a small hatchback; we play conkers with caravans; and a clash of the titans: Aston vs. Ferrari on our track.

[During the news]
James: [talking about average speed cameras] They are forward-facing, though, right?
Jeremy: Yeah, the cameras that take the picture as you're going towards them, yeah.
James: I approve of those.
Jeremy: Why?
James: Because I'm a motorcyclist.
Jeremy: What's that got to do with it?
James: There's no numberplate on the front of a bike.
Jeremy: It's true! It's a fair point. I never thought--why?
James: The thing is, I've been through Northampton on the bike... [gestures as though opening throttle on a motorcycle and holds up two fingers in a V]
Jeremy: Why is there no numberplate?
James: I believe they were actually made illegal in the early 70s.
Richard: 'Cause they used to be upright on the front mudguard.
James: So if you had a crash, it was like somebody just putting a meat cleaver in your head.
Jeremy: Well, that is one advantage of motorcycling, I will concede, but there is a disadvantage, because, I was talking to a surgeon, just last week, and he was telling me, you know these new bikes that have got a very pronounced fuel tank in front of the saddle?
Richard: Yeah, a lot of sports bikes...
Jeremy: Do you know what the most common injury is now, when you've had an accident? Your testes... torn off.
Richard: Oh! Ooh no!
Jeremy: It's a fact! So you can do that [holds up fingers in a V] to a speed camera, but the next thing you know...

[Interview with Jimmy Carr]
Jeremy: Then after Cambridge, it was off to work for an oil company.
Jimmy: Yes, Shell.
Jeremy: Middle Management?
Jimmy: Yeah, middle-- I was in marketing, for oil.
Jeremy: Okay...
Jimmy: ...which is technically the easiest job on the planet. Do you have a fuel gauge in your car?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Jimmy: Yeah, you know when that goes into the red?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Jimmy: Buy some petrol. Job done.

Jeremy: They make £800,000 an hour, profit. Shell.
Jimmy: An hour? That's more than I make in a week!

Richard: James, we are grown men playing conkers with caravans.
James: That's okay. It's better than working at a bank.

James: [to a pizzaboy at night in the woods] I suppose you are the headless pizzaboy of the apocalypse, are you?

[during the conclusion of the Pagani Zonda Roadster review]
Jeremy: This is bad news, ladies, very bad news. Little Richard has fallen in love with a ton and a bit of kevlar and wires. Look, they've all come down here... [wanders over to a couple of ladies] look, they've all come down here with their bare mid-riffs... and "Richard" and "Hammond" written on their... like that, and it's no good, he's gone!
Richard: I love it, I think this is the big one.
Jeremy: Now, we're going to have to go do the news now before he leaves a deposit on it. Um... oh yeah. So let's do that!

Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] If you are ten and you are watching this right now, it's exactly as good as you think it is. It is actually that good.

Richard: [While driving the Pagani Zonda Roadster through a tunnel] There are demons in here! AND I'M DRIVING ONE!

Richard: [While road-testing a Pagani Zonda Roadster] I would sell my house, buy one of these and live in a tunnel. [...] Welcome to the Dark Side!

November 21st, 2004 [5.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: James celebrates 50 years of guitar music... in a Mercedes; a Broken Arrow star in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and I tackle the world's most fearsome race track... in a diesel.

Jeremy: Absolutely everybody here was faster than me. [talking about the Nürburgring]
Sabine Schmitz: Yes, that's true.
Jeremy: Do you think I'm going to be able to get 'round in ten minutes?
Sabine: [laughing] No.
Jeremy: Don't sugar coat it like that, tell me straight.
Sabine: You're not one hundred percent talent-free, but... eighty percent?
Jeremy: Eighty percent talent free... right.

Jeremy: [to a biker on the Nürburgring] Get a car and some proper clothes for God's sake!

December 5th, 2004 [5.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: How fast can a blind man get round our track? How much Porsche can you get for 1500 pounds? And Britain's most successful recording artist ever is in our Reasonably-Priced Car.

[During the £1500 Porsche challenge];
Jeremy: This was a hugely advanced car when it first came out: polyurethane bumpers; first car ever to have passive rear wheel steering... I've always, always... oh my God, I've got steam.
Richard: Is Jeremy breaking down?
Jeremy: Uh, guys, I've got a lot of steam coming out of the bonnet.
James: Did he say I've got some speed, or I've got some steam?
Jeremy: [voice over] No, it was definitely steam and it was erupting after just two miles.

[Jeremy discovers a leak in his Porsche's cooling system and "fills" it with about 10L of water before giving up, with it gushing from the radiator almost as quickly]
James: Jeremy and Richard have gone off inside to buy an egg, in the hope that we can use that old trick of mixing the egg white into the coolant system and that will find and block...
Jeremy: This, [He shows a chocolate Creme Egg] …this is Hammond's contribution. He's bought himself a chocolate egg.

Jeremy: [on his £1500 Porsche] "For the first time today I have no warning light on the dashboard - all is well. Apart from, you know, the rear windscreen wiper and the electric window and the electric door mirrors and the stereo, and the clock, and the air conditioning, and the speedometer and the milometer, and the piston ring that's eating the engine, and the big smoke coming out of the back, everything's fine."

[During the £1500 Porsche challenge]
Jeremy: What is the next challenge?
James: You've got to spend the change from your £1500 budget...
Jeremy: Yeah..?
James: And with it, you've got to improve your car as much as possible and have it judged by an independent adjudicator who is from the Porsche owner's club.
Richard: Yeah, so you can spend all of the money from your £1500 that you didn't spend on your car... on your car.
Jeremy: How much did you spend?
Richard: I spent £750 on my car, so I've got £750 to spend on improving it.
James: I spent £900 on my car which gives me £600 to spend in improving it.
Richard: How much did you spend?
Jeremy: [mumbling] 1500
Richard: Sorry?
Jeremy: 1500
Richard: So you've got nothing to spend on improving it.

[Jeremy and Richard grumble about James' success in producing a number eleven skidmark off the line with his Porsche]
Richard: I've never seen him do anything that lairy!
Jeremy: That is... thirty-one feet.
Richard: Not bad.
Jeremy: Don't tell him that. Yeah, you did about four inches, mate. Well done.
James: Give up!
Jeremy: Yeah, that's four inches!
James: That's quite good!
Jeremy: Yeah, no, that was me the other day in a Bentley.

Richard: [After Jeremy does an "Asian number eleven" burnout - a rather sloppy 720-degree doughnut, as his car lacks the power to spin up the wheels in a straight line] You can't have that!
Jeremy: Look, if you were from a region of China just near Tibet northeast you'd look and you go [affects terrible "Chinese" accent] "Ah, someone write ereven!"

[At the end of the challenge]
Jeremy: So, James, how much did you sell your Nine Forty Four for?
James: 1,400 pounds!

December 12th, 2004 [5.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: Richard takes an American muscle car in a road movie... across Lincolnshire; a 4-door saloon goes head-to-head with a Lamborghini; and it's the Top Gear Awards for the best and worst of 2004.

[on the Mitsubishi Evo 8 FQ400]
Jeremy: This is amazing! A fit young racing driver in a supercar and he cannot pull away from a fat man in a four door saloon!

[on the Toyota Prius]
Jeremy: See the trees smile at me as I waft by. And watch the children run into the road, because they haven't heard me coming.

[on the Toyota Prius engine display]
Jeremy: This, I think, is a particularly good way of distracting you from the child who's run into the road having not heard you coming.

[On the Porsche Boxster]
James: Meet the new Boxster, same as the old Boxster.
[Later on]
James: This is a bargain. The best we ever had!

[The Top Gear Awards]
James: Now, elsewhere in the world, awards are awarded to reward excellence. But here, on the Top Gear awards, we like to award an award that rewards a car that we found particularly unrewarding... in 2... 2004... that's not quite right, is it?
Richard: And the Hyundai Accent, which is wretched, whatever engine it has, but we were particularly depressed with three-cylinder diesel version. It really is less fun than drowning!
Jeremy: (After being presented the Golden Cock award) "I am the Golden Cock!"

December 19th, 2004 [5.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show it's all about challenges! Which can get down a mountain the fastest: a rally car or a bobsleigh? Are modern-day showroom cars faster than racing cars from not that long ago? And can a Formula 1 Renault get round our track... in less than a minute?

[on the bobsled run]
Richard: Apparently it hits 6 and a half Gs in some of those corners down there. The driver's told me that he's been doing this for six years and he's 3 centimetres shorter. I can't afford to lose 3 centimetres!!

[during the bobsled run]
Richard: [shouting] I don't want to die in tights!

[on the French]
James: They are a bunch of treacherous, land-burning, work-shy, peasants.

James: France is a country you have to drive through to get to Italy. That's all it's for.

James: [to Richard] You're wearing tights. I can't take lectures on physics from a man in tights. Dancing, yes. Physics, no.

[after being overtaken by Jeremy in his Ferrari]
James: Permission to say 'cock' for the second time this y... I've even abandoned my luggage!

Jeremy: [on driving the Ferrari 612 in the race to Verbier] Then you get to the Alpine pass. Them on their bus: dg dg dg dg dg dg! And you're just like, ahhhnn ahhnn ahhnnnn, trying to catch them up!"

December 26th, 2004 [5.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: we splash about in a supercharged German army halftrack; the "What Not to Wear" girls show us how not to drive; and I go Bo! Selecta in an Ariel Atom.

[on the Daewoo Tacuma]
Jeremy: The only way you could possibly drive this car is with a box on your head, so no one could tell it's you.

[testing the Ariel Atom]
Jeremy: So stick that in your sport exhaust, Mr. Kawasaki.

Jeremy: [Yelling at the top of his voice over the wind noise] The Atom is fast on an entirely new level! I have never driven anything that accelerates so fast! [voiceover] It's so quick, it can destroy your entire face. [face stretches in the slipstream]. OH MY GOD!

Richard: [After opening the door of a Mercedes G55 AMG] Unless I have been sorely misinformed, supermodels are powerless to resist a man with illuminated doorsills.

James: It costs £9,400. For that you get... well, it's like a car really, only not quite as good. [Commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5 Diesel]

James: If you've got the brochure on the Hyundai Accent on your coffee table, can I implore you please, not to do it. Buy a Fiesta, buy a second-hand Golf, go on holiday. Don't do it! [Commenting on the Hyundai Accent 1.5L diesel]

James: The last Proton I drove was something called the Impia. It was a very long journey and the car was so awful that - to be honest - I wanted to harm myself. [Commenting on the Proton Gen II]
[on the Kia Magentis]
Jeremy: I drove a manual one of these the other day and I couldn't believe it, it went 1st, 2nd... SEVENTH, 8th and 9th. Now, I know what they're trying to say, look, you got two gears for quick acceleration and three for good fuel economy. But actually, the acceleration wasn't that good and the fuel economy wasn't that good and you have nothing in the middle. This one has an automatic, which makes it, well... worse. There's a very good reason why its cheap, it's crap.

Series 6

May 22nd, 2005 [6.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Toyota's new small car, can it play football?; The new Range Rover Sport, can it outrun a 120mm tank shell?; And James Nesbitt, how will he get on in our reasonably priced car?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Mercedes CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps.

[on the Mercedes CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: Look - it's telling me the brakes have overheated and I should "Drive Carefully". [reluctantly] All right, I'll back it off to 140, but that's it. I'm having too much fun.

[on the Mercedes CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss.

[on the Mercedes CLS 55 AMG]
Jeremy: The back seats aren't terribly comfortable, but they'll do for a short trip to the golf club. And you would be going to the golf club actually, because the satellite navigation screen only lists petrol stations and golf courses. Everything the modern Mercedes-driver needs...

Jeremy: Our transport department is now being run by Darling and Ladyman. [...] Welcome aboard Mr Ladyman. Pop down anytime you like and bring Mr Darling with you.

[on the diesel option for the Range Rover Sport]
Jeremy: You can't have this car with a diesel engine. It'd be like saying, "Well, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman...!" Yeah, but... [he grimaces]

[Starting Range Rover Sport vs. Challenger 2 Face-off]
Jeremy: So here we are on the start line: Goliath and David... Beckham.

[During the Aygo Football segment]
James: Door ball! That's not allowed!
[see Blue Aygo 2, with ball jammed inside door]

James: Would the Element be a car for people who like hip-hop, or for people waiting for a hip-op?

May 29th, 2005 [6.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Old Jaguars, should you buy one?; Old BMWs, are they as well made as we think?; And old Mitsubishis, should you drive a car built by an aeroplane maker?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he's wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[during the news, talking about the Greatest Driving Song]
Jeremy: [to Richard] You! You went on Radio 1 this week, okay? He was on Radio 1, which is a small radio station for, like, four year olds, and he said that the best ever driving song was by a band called, what are they called, the baby-snatchers?
Richard: The BodyRockers, you poor bewildered old fool!

Jeremy: [voiceover] ...Oxford isn't a city, it's a bus lane.
Jeremy: Oxford hates cars!
Richard: [pointing to James' Jaguar] So it's really gonna hate this!!

Jeremy: [voiceover] Back on the road, it turned out Hammond's BMW wasn't all that healthy either. But, it did give him a new game to play...
Richard: Ooh! Hold on a minute! I've got it! There's a problem with my brake lights. I have "Connect Three."
Jeremy: [as Hammond overtakes him] That doesn't sound good.
James: [voiceover] Ah, but Hammond wasn't going to steal the break-down honours from me! Help. [voiceover] With the others far in front, and out of sight, my wipers packed up.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Meanwhile, the Jag just kept pounding round. The only time it came into the pits was when the Captain's sense of direction broke down.
James: No, I didn't mean to come in, I went the wrong way!

[on the Maserati MC12 achieving the fastest lap to date]
Jeremy: You know, well, speed isn't everything... I can't believe I've just said that!

[on the endurance race]
Jeremy: It's not the winning. It's not the taking part. It's just bashing Hammond!

James: Motorsport is rubbish! [At the end of the coupes' race – 29/05/2005]

June 12th, 2005 [6.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Two British sports cars with forged papers; Dr. Who is the star in our reasonably priced car; And I splash out on a seventies Roller.

James: [On the Maserati Bora] Is molto bella!

[on the Wiesmann MF3]
Jeremy: You see the body and you think it's going to be as advanced as mud - but honestly, it corners like a cylon interceptor.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue... we know him only, as the Stig.

[During the news]
Jeremy: [On the Porsche Cayman] Porsche, the laziest design studio in the world!
Jeremy: [On the smart fire car] You know that, erm, World's Wildest Police Chase thing that's on Channel 5 late at night (exaggerated American accent) "There's police chases from around the world!" And it's always a big V8 chasing a Corvette in Australia and America, then they go (American accent again) "We got a chase from the United Kingdom of England Land." And it's, "Oh no it's gonna be so embarrassing!" Sure enough it's a Vauxhall Astra with a big DIESEL sign over it. (Yorkshire policeman accent) "Ohh we're chasing this err BMX bike up the err A34." Oh this is going round the world, they're gonna laugh at us!

June 19th, 2005 [6.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I test the Cadillac CTS-V; Hammond tests the new BMW 3-Series; and we get three old ladies to test some small cars, because we couldn't be bothered.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he is illegal in 17 U.S. states, and he blinks this way [motioning his fingers in a horizontal fashion]... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[after getting a call that his Ford GT has been stolen - while he's actually in it]
Jeremy: If you shut this car down, I'm going to come down there and eat your heart!

[to Ford, via the camera, after his new Ford GT had broken down]
Jeremy: If you don't mend it, I'm going to bone your dog!
[he then clarifies this as removing all of the dog's bones]

James: For sale: BMW 528. 19K, VGC, TNT, FSH, PAS, AAC, OBC, ICE, ABS, EBD, PDC, DTC, DSC. £15000, ONO [May playing with acronyms in his car advertisement]

Jeremy: But unfortunately, its driver had become bored with waiting. [Clarkson walks up to the Audi S4 with the Stig asleep at the wheel and knocks on the windscreen] Stiggy! Wakey wakey! Listen. We're gonna do a race. Okay? You're going to drive the Audi, and see if you can get past the Cadillac. Okay?
[the Stig stares back through his helmet]
Jeremy: [looking back at the camera] You think that's gone in?

[Jeremy has been looking in some boxes of Hammond's mum. He has now found something, and is practically wetting himself with laughter. He stumbles over to James whilst still laughing]
Jeremy: James, look what I just found in Hammond's box. [shows James]
James: [grimacing] Ooh...
Jeremy: They're his publicity pictures! [to camera] Look at that! [flips picture]
James: [mocking] Late-night love...
Jeremy: [mocking, in "smooth" voiceover style] Late-night love on 96.3 Cleveland FM, with Richard Hammond. [flipping through pictures] But look...
James: This is one of thirty radio stations and... [Jeremy finds the picture he's looking for] Oh! [tries unsuccessfully to stifle laughter] Hang on!
[both crack up]
Jeremy: I can see why he gets the jobs hosting Crufts. [to camera] Ready, steady... [flips picture to reveal a younger Richard with wavy, shoulder-length hair, resembling a classical musketeer... James manages to splutter "Dogtanian!" before he and Jeremy completely dissolve into laughter.]

Richard: [in the episode where their mums test three hatchbacks] Now we're just using boxes of old junk [lifts a box] cleared out of the mothers' lofts. You know, the kind of... the old tat that no one could possibly want, or... be prepared to read [holding up two of Jeremy's books and one of his solo videotapes]

[James's mother has just lapped the short circuit of their test track more than four seconds faster than Richard's mother]
Richard: You know how there's this global speculation about the identity of The Stig?

James: [Talking about the Peugeot 1007 electric doors] I think they were right about the Peugeot, because if we'd tested this we'd have spent all day with that button going "bzzzzt" and saying "Hey, this is like Star Trek!".

June 26th, 2005 [6.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: A Formula One world champion is the Star In Our Reasonably Priced Car; the Jaguar E-Type and the Aston Martin DB5; and the British Army shoots me in the face.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he's scared of bells... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

July 3rd, 2005 [6.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Question Time comes to our Reasonably-Priced Car; Aston's DB9 racer comes to our track; and an offshore powerboat against a Mercedes SLR.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all of his legs are hydraulic... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James: I think I might have Norwegian wood!

[after spending a day with Richard on a Ferry]
James: I really enjoyed our day out together, Richard. It's not very often I get to take someone out for a nice dinner. [camera switches to Richard, who is now looking somewhat concerned]

[On whether Jeremy will get sleep on the Oslo race]
James: Well I would, and you would, but I don't think Jeremy will because he'll become obsessed by [impersonates Clarkson] power and winning!

[on losing the Oslo race to Jeremy]
James: What's the Norwegian for "Oh, Cock?"

[on the CDs he was given for the race to Oslo]
Jeremy: [laughing] 101 classic speeches from... Mrs. Thatcher! [impersonating Thatcher] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this lady's not for turning.

[in a Eurotunnel train during the race to Oslo]
Jeremy: I wonder what the fastest anyone has ever been... in a Eurotunnel train...? How tempting is it to... [depressing accelerator momentarily] No, no, no no. No, grow up!

Jeremy:[after having the Eurotunnel train safety instructions start in French] Oh, we gotta have it in French! [pause] Start the train!

Jeremy:Heathrow...To Oslo. I'm mad for doing this.

Richard:If you ask to be piped aboard i'm throwing you over.

Jeremy: [On the Alfa Romeo Brera] You can have a diesel, if you're the sort of person who thinks the Mona Lisa should have a moustache.

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] Research has shown, that voting for Meatloaf means you are 50% more likely to have no mates.
Jeremy: That is true, actually.

Richard: [On the Hummer aftershave] Splash it on and make him squeal like a piggy.

July 10th, 2005 [6.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: a rock-star gets in a jam; attacking the Nürburgring in a van; and is a car faster than a man?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[During the news]
Richard: And the big news this week is Jeremy has been banned from driving for six months. Yes he has! [Audience cheers and applauds] I know! What do we do?
James: I'm really sorry to disappoint you, but I have to point out that it wasn't his local magistrate that banned him, it was his doctor!
Richard: It was and that's why it's taking him so long to get to the stage! [Jeremy slowly approaches the stage] Ooh, you look like you're in pain.
Jeremy: Yes, I am. I have a top speed of one.
Richard: What have you done?
Jeremy: I slipped two discs in my back and they told me not to drive or write. Thank you so much for that! That's kind of what I do!

Richard: [on the Ford Transit's 40th anniversary, and ways to celebrate the milestone] [...] however, nothing says 'Happy Birthday!' like rubbing Jeremy's face in it. [scene then leads into Sabine Schmitz's Transit attempt to beat JC's 9m 59s Nürburgring lap in a diesel Jaguar]

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] A vote for Meatloaf's Bat Out of Hell will result in your internet service provider changing your domain name to 'loser'!

July 17th, 2005 [6.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: On tonight's show: I drive the Audi TT Convertible, in Iceland; Richard drives the Nissan 350Z Convertible, in Iceland; And James drives the Chrysler Crossfire Convertible. Guess where?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he's confused by stairs... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: Hello, and welcome to Top Gear. Now we get quite a few complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show, so we're kicking off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all.

Jeremy: [On the Ferrari F430's various drive modes] And then CST, which turns all the driver aids off. Don't know what CST stands for... Commit... Suicide... Training..?

James: I bet you any money he's come over to tell me he's stumped by that Chrysler.
Jeremy: James? I'm stumped by that Chrysler.

July 24th, 2005 [6.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Thunderberks are go; we attempt a World Record; and the most annoying car I've ever driven turns out to be one of the best.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: He's a hugely successful DJ, television presenter, and business man. And he achieved all this despite being born with a terrible affliction... [laughing] Ginger hair.

[Jeremy and James are discussing the Vauxhall Astra and Jeremy is lamenting it's lack of grip to go with its very powerful engine]
James: It's sort of exciting though, admit it.
Jeremy: It's exciting in the same way as being shot at is exciting.

James: [While driving someone] The interesting thing about the French nation, I think, because they are essentially peasants and Communists, is that they are quite good at the fairly small and fairly simple car.

James: [On voting for the greatest driving song] However your home may be at risk if you vote for Meatloaf!

July 31st, 2005 [6.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James May thinks he's a racing driver; Richard Hammond thinks he's Jesus; and I think I'm going to be killed.

James: I'd give... the rest of me year's salary... to see that sink [When Jeremy was on an Argocat amphibious vehicle]

[during the outdoor toys test]
Jeremy: You do know why James is feeling more sedated than usual?
Richard: Tired, scared?
Jeremy: He's had an operation.
Richard: Where?
Jeremy: [whispers into Richard's ear] On his arse.
Richard: Ooh! That's... gotta hurt!
Jeremy: That's ...why [laughter]
Richard: With the saddle and everything!
James: [voiceover] It's true.

[on the high powered quad bike]
Jeremy: This has a top speed - and I know this because I've done it - of one million miles an hour, a million! What really annoys me is that Hammond's gonna go, "Hey, it's really pretty, I can ride standing up and everything!" and I can't. Because I'm too tall and too old and too fat and I hate it!
Richard: It has a 450cc, single cylinder engine that makes a thousand, million horsepower, and it's faster than light!

[talking about the hovercrafts]
Jeremy: Now, listen chaps, I have had the pleasure of driving one of these before and there are one or two things I need to tell you. First of all, okay, if you see an obstacle, like if we're going over there, if you see one of those trees coming towards you--too late, you're gonna hit it.
Richard: Alright, okay.
Jeremy: Well, you're not worried about that?
Richard: Well, if that's what happens….
Jeremy: You'll turn the handlebars, that won't make any difference--straight on, okay? So you think, "Alright, I'll lift off the power, the air will come out of the sack, it'll dig in and you'll be jettisoned at 50 miles an hour into the tree--
Richard: Oh, so you hit the tree with or without the hovercraft.
Jeremy: Yes, that's your choice.

[after falling off a hovercraft]
Jeremy: I've been killed, I've definitely been killed.

James: [Commenting on Dubai whilst there] I've got shirts older than this city.

Jeremy: "Yes, Lucifer has come to our little world of milk and petrol." (Speaking of the BMW 535d allowed to come on TG's track, the first diesel powered car on their track, the "rule breaker")

James: [On voting for Bat Out Of Hell as the best driving anthem ever] If you do choose to vote for Bat Out of Hell then we will come round and cut off YOUR electricity!

Richard: If we were to go to one of those offroad centers-they're springing up all over the place, where you can rent stuff out and do what we did, what would you have? And I'm telling you straight-away, it wouldn't be the racing quads, because you might as well just say, "I'd like to rent some death, please, for the day!"
Jeremy: Yeah, "I want to be dead within the hour!", "Certainly sir, have one of these!"

Jeremy: [On which buggy was better] Question is, which one? Cause your Drakart…great fun, lots of sideways action-
Richard: Hooligan-style!
Jeremy: -but quite unsophisticated; it was like going sideways in scaffolding.

August 7th, 2005 [6.11]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James tries his hand at being Beethoven; Richard wrestles a rampaging bull; and I develop a sudden urge to marry my cousin.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's terrified of ducks, and that there's an airport in Russia named after him... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[During the news]
Jeremy: You told me the other day that your bike, whatever it is, sounds like you belching.
James: No, I didn't.
Jeremy: You did!
James: No. What I said was the sound at low revs from the exhausts is like the sound that a burp makes when it's forming [pointing at his stomach] down here...
Jeremy: I don't want to hear a forming burp going past my house on a Sunday afternoon, with someone dressed like a Power Ranger! I don't want that!

Jeremy: (On the Ford F150) The worst car I ever drove was a Russian Jeep in Saigon. And the critical word in that sentence is "was".

Series 7

November 13th, 2005 [7.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: How reliable is your car? How will this new British supercar fare on our track? And the new Baby Aston: how does it perform as an ark?

Jeremy: "Welcome To Greenpeace!" (After a video montage introducing the 7th series)

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that where ever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[during the news, talking about the website TopGayer]
Jeremy: The editor is called Rich.
Richard: Oh come on! It's not--
Jeremy: No, he's put a CV of himself in and he says he lives in the Cotswolds...
Richard: Well yeah I do--
Jeremy: He's got a 4x4.
Richard: Yes I have but I'm not moonlighting as the editor of a gay website ok?
Jeremy: He's got a dog!
Richard: Yes look...I've got a...but it's not me!
Jeremy: He's had his teeth whitened.
Richard: I haven't had... I have not had my teeth whitened!
Jeremy: What they just become white?
Richard: In the same way that yours have gone green!
[Jeremy laughs]
Richard: It just happens to your teeth!
Jeremy: Anyway listen. If you are a homosexual and you want to know about... cars, write to "Richard Hammond, Suspiciously Neat House...
[Richard laughs]
Jeremy: ...Dog Lane, The Cotswolds!"
Richard: Thank you!

[also during the news]
Jeremy: Hey, Hey, Hey! Now the other day I was driving behind a BMW Z4, roof down, bloke driving along and he had a bit of a comb over. Now as he accelerated onto the M40, his speed built up, Whooop! He got lift off. He must've been thinking, I look like Tom Selleck in this car. Kinda like a pedal bin, put his foot down on the pedal, Whooop! Anyhow, that gave me an idea; I wonder if the Z4 is particularly bad for that, what would be the best convertible if you had a bit of a Charlton going on.
Richard: Yeah, good question.
Jeremy: So we are looking for volunteers. If you got a bit of a comb over and you would like to know which sports car is best, then please get in touch with us, and I'm being serious, no silly addresses: BBC Top Gear, 201 Wood Lane, London, W12 7TS. Mark your envelope: I've got a bit of a Charlton.

[How reliable is your car]
James: Hang on, I've just noticed something here. Of the bottom 13 cars, 10 of them are French.
Jeremy: Yea, that's probably why they're burning so many in Paris.
[When asking the audience]
Jeremy: What? A satisfied Mercedes customer? In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, we ought to have him stuffed.

November 20th, 2005 [7.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy:Tonight: the best toys in the whole world; a car made on Memory Lane; and Audi's new RS4 races a thin man up a thick cliff.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his ear wax tastes like Turkish delight... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[following the Porsche Cayman power lap; the car has been disparaged by Jeremy for being made merely to fill a gap between the 911 and Boxster rather than to be as good as possible, and because their Producer has bought one as an "investment"]
Jeremy: And he did it in 1:26.7, so it goes...
[struggling to make a space on the board]
Jeremy: ...there. In front of a Corvette.
James: Interesting that you've made a space actually, because I reckon if you sent Porsche 911 and a Boxster around as well, the 911 would've gone about there [points randomly above the Cayman's time], and the Boxster - I dunno - about there [points about the same distance below the Cayman's time].
Jeremy: Yep, you're exactly right, and I'm just looking at this [points to the Cayman's time], 1:26, that's what it's worth.

[on the Porsche Cayman]
Jeremy: It's called the Cayman and I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "that's not a new car, it's just a Boxster with a roof." You have got a point, it's got the same controls as the Boxster. They should've called it the Coxster!

[racing two speed climbers in an Audi RS4]
Jeremy: I will not be beaten by two adrenaline junkies who call everyone "dude."

Richard: [Into radio whilst sitting in a full-size remote control car as James crashes it] You are utterly useless!

James: [as a passenger in a life-size radio-controlled car, which Richard is attempting to park in an improvised carport garage lined with cheap porcelain trinkets] He's doing it good. Well done.
[the car advances]
James: [into radio] Brake, man! Brake! [the car smashes ornaments on shelves over the bonnet]
Richard: Sorry.
[Richard takes down the whole garage as he reverses out]
James: NO!
Richard: Sorry.

Richard: [Voiceover whilst controlling a life-size remote control car towing a caravan about to be hit by the "Wrecking Ball of Doom"] For once, I was hoping the caravan would survive.

[Demonstrating the new Vauxhall Astra VXR remote control car]
Jeremy: OK, it's over there, it's a Vauxhall VXR [car starts to approach them] Here it comes. And if you just watch carefully, you will note that it has now taken off. [car starts to float] It's flying!
James: It's floating!
Jeremy: No it's not floating, James. It's flying!
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: There is a man controlling that! I mean, have you ever seen anything like this in your whole life? That is a ton of Vauxhall flying around the studio over people's heads. I will explain how it works, OK? It weighs about 10lbs, which is about the same as my Sunday joint and it has three little propellors that make it steer and move about.
Richard: That's amazing! Is it expensive?
Jeremy: Yes! It costs... five... pounds [Audience laughs] No, I'm joking, it costs £60,000.
Richard: Really?
Jeremy: £60,000 and worth every penny. Ladies and gentlemen, the flying Vauxhall. [audience applauds]

November 27th, 2005 [7.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: the chav-tastic new Ford Focus. The Transport Minister is in our Reasonably-Priced Car. And Richard Hammond and I have a fight.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: I have an announcement to make. Top Gear, this... pokey motor show on BBC2, this week won--I've got it here--in New York, an Emmy! We've won an Emmy! Check it out!"
Richard: Wow! Can I touch it?
Jeremy: What this is for, okay, is for the best non-scripted entertainment show that wasn't made in America. That's us!
Richard: Why didn't you go and pick up the award from the ceremony?
Jeremy: Well, because I was writing the script for this week's show.
Richard: Thing is though, when the Office, you remember that sitcom series?... won some Golden... Globes recently, the whole of the BBC ground to a halt while everyone said congratulations and... they were showered with, like, gifts, and gold and diamonds...
Jeremy: It's true, the director general of the BBC spent a whole week rubbing warm pig fat into the back of Ricky Gervais.
Richard: So, how many chocolate covered lap dancers do you think were sent to us?
Jeremy: [to the audience] How many do you reckon? Not a damn thing!
Richard: Nothing!
Jeremy: And if you think that's outrageous, then please write to us, as of Monday, to Top Gear, Channel 4 television...

Richard: Look. A petrol station, the natural home territory of the Ford GT. And there it is, at the watering hole, drinking its fill. For the forty-seventh time today.

[Richard and James observe as Jeremy yet again stops to refuel his notoriously thirsty car at a service station in southern France]
Richard: How can he need more?
James: Have you noticed how his right bicep is now slightly bigger than his left one?
[Richard laughs]
James: ...have you also noticed that when he fills his car up, he stands like a teapot?
[Richard laughs harder and the camera reveals this to be true - Jeremy has his unoccupied hand on his hip, and his legs crossed]
[Jeremy wanders over]
Jeremy: James, I've run out of money.
James: Have you... what an interesting predicament.
Jeremy: [quietly] Please can I borrow some money.
Richard: I'm not-- we're not bailing you out!
James: You want me to pay for your petrol?
Jeremy: Yes!
James: Right, the nation is observing...
Jeremy: [wandering off] I haven't got any money...
James: ...while I fund your ridiculous petrol habit.

Richard: [on multiple occasions] I have not had my teeth whitened!

Richard: [driving his Zonda in Paris] Don't scratch it!

Richard: [driving his Zonda in Paris, responding to horns blowing behind him] I know it's a supercar! It doesn't have vertical take-off!

Richard: [on Jeremy's Ford GT and its literally useless luggage compartment] The boot is there... to fully accommodate the boot lid!

James: Interestingly I think the Zonda is the sort of car for people who worry too much about their teeth.

[driving his Ferrari - surprisingly quickly - in southern France]
James: Here comes Captain Slow!

Jeremy: No American who designed that chassis [pointing to his Ford GT] is even half-aware that a road like this exists. If you brought an American here he would die of shock!

Jeremy: And the Ford? Well, it's the prettiest, it's the fastest, and it has the best fuel economy! Oh, no, wait, that's not right, is it?

[reading the French President's remarks on the Millau Bridge]
Jeremy: "A modern France, an enterprising, successful France, a France which invests in the future..." - He forgot to mention the fact, that the architect was British!

[On the Ford Focus ST]
Jeremy: ROOOOO-NEEEEY!! (shouted out of the window of a bright orange Ford Focus ST, highlighting the typical chav nature of the driver he sees the car as being targeted at)
Jeremy: [On the power lap] It is very foggy out there today, but you'll note the Stig doesn't have his rear fog lights on, 'cause of course he's not a blithering idiot.

Jeremy: We're having a bit of a break from the norm tonight because we're going to put a Member of Parliament in our reasonably priced car. He is the Minister for Transport, which means he is the Minister for Speed Cameras. No, no, no, no, no! This is the BBC, we will treat him with respect and impartiality! So, please welcome Beelzebub himself, Dr. Stephen Ladyman!

Stephen: [On the speed Camera] We paint them yellow, we put them where you can see them, and we put a big sign to tell you where they are coming. And we even printed a list on the internet. If you still got caught, whose fault is that?
Jeremy: You are the one with 9 points, and I haven't got any....

December 4th, 2005 [7.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Which is faster, a Renault or a bicycle? Ellen MacArthur sets sail round our track; And how much supercar do you get for 10,000 pounds?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire, he'd burn for a thousand days... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[On Richard's "Fake" Ferrari (a Dino 308)]
Jeremy: There's no point going "I've bought my shirt at 'George' " [the ASDA-Walmart in-house clothing brand]; it's from ASDA! You've bought a 'George' car!

[Beginning the challenge]
Richard: Your Seventies supercar mission for today is to drive from Bristol to "Spearmint Rhino", in Slough.
Jeremy: That's a lap-dancing club.
Richard: [apparently puzzled] Is it?
Jeremy: [mocks his attempt to appear innocent] Oh, you don't know...?!

James: [to a pedestrian] Eh? No it's not a kit car, it's a Lamborghini... Philistine!

[on his Lamborghini's chronic electrical problems]
James: The Italians invented electricity, as we all know.

[asked if his Lambo' had broken down]
James: No, I just had to stop and fill it up with electricity.

[on his Lambo]
James: Right, the battery is discharging, the oil temperature is very high, the oil pressure is very low, the engine temperature is off the end of the scale, I'm running out of petrol... but the clock is correct!

[after Richard's Dino has been tested against its original output on a rolling road]
Jeremy: Sixty-one Horsepower has escaped; thats how many a year?
James: Think of it another way, that's a... that's a VW Lupo that has escaped from your engine!

[In Lisbon, about the full-face helmeted downhill biker he was about to race in a Renault Clio]
James: Now all that was left was to psyche out [Darth Vader].

James: It does still look a bit like the inside of Jacques Cousteau's wetsuit in here.

[After losing a race to a downhill biker in Lisbon]
James: Permission to say "Oh, cock" on BBC Two.

[Back in the studio after the first part of the Cheap Car Challenge...]
Jeremy: We're going to be picking that up later on, but for now, it's time to update our "ITALIAN MID-ENGINED SUPERCARS FOR LESS THAN A SECOND-HAND MONDEO CHALLENGE".

[on the Italian supercar challenge]
Jeremy: [...] Now, next one is the big one, okay - insurance. That's the main problem with cars of this type, okay? We had to go out and get a quote to see how low we could go, and mine was, for the Maserati, 300 pounds.
Richard: A year?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: For a Maserati?
Jeremy: Yeah.
Richard: Don't be ridiculous!
Jeremy: No, you see, the reason is pretty simple: unlike you, I'm a respectable middle-aged man, unlike you, I don't have any points on my license, and it's kept in an alarmed, locked garage in one of the safest parts of the country.
James: Yeah, but hang on a minute though, because you are, what, a journalist and a broadcaster, and I happen to know that those are 2 of the highest rated insurance risks on the book.
Jeremy: Yep, you're exactly right, which is why I told them I was a doctor! [referring to his honorary doctorate in engineering]

[Jeremy has won two points for making his insurance quote two-hundred under the £500 bench-mark.]
Jeremy: Two points - for being a doctor!

Richard: I said "I'm an after-dinner speaker." [cue mocking by Jeremy & James]
Jeremy: You see...
Richard: I've done two.
James: [scoffs] Two hundred.
Jeremy: Anyway, what was your quote?
Richard: Well for a big corporate bank, 5 grand. I suppose, for a charity, I'll do it for 3 and a half...
Jeremy: No, what was your insurance quote?
Richard: Oh! Grand.. 1000 pounds.
Jeremy: That really includes, presumably, the 800 quid to cover your new expensive teeth.
Richard: I have not... had... my teeth whi-- I just haven't!
Richard: So... I actually lose... er, that's minus five... that's bad.
Jeremy: Ooh... Lose...! Englebert's going down, with his new teeth!

James: Now I was honest, and I said - "I'm a journalist, AND a broadcaster..."
Jeremy: And I bet you told them you live in London as well?
James: Yes, that's right - y'know, Single, car parked on the street, live in an area of London that's usually on fire...
Jeremy: So your quote was...
James: [dramatic pause for breath] Five thousand pounds! [for which he loses a massive 45 points]
[general laughter and an almost sympathetic bout of one-upmanship by Jeremy recounting a previous quote for £22000 on an Escort Cosworth worth "only" £19000]

[Jeremy driving a timed lap at Castle Coombe Race Circuit in his Maserati Merak]
Jeremy: 4,000 RPM! And that's all the rebuilt engine has to give!
Richard: That car is...
Jeremy:Why won't you rev?!

December 11th, 2005 [7.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We drive the new Bugatti in Italy; we drive the new Bugatti in Switzerland and France; and we drive the new Bugatti in London.

[After Hammond's review of the Marcos TSO]
Jeremy: [opening the door of the Marcos TSO] What's this?
Richard: Erm...
Jeremy: [showing what he found] It's a tooth-whitening kit.
Richard: It's a plant! It's a plant!
Jeremy: It was just a theory until a moment ago...

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say he can swim seven lengths under water, and he has webbed buttocks... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Richard: Now, I'm dying to know the verdict, but first, something more important... your hat! What were you thinking?! You were like the dog car in Dumb and Dumber [makes a face referring to the hat James was wearing in the 2WD Vs. AWD 911 challenge]
James: [leans toward Hammond] Listen! That hat is Haute couture in rallying circles.

[On the News]
Jeremy: A cow does more global warming than a Range Rover.

[Introducing Nigel Mansell]
Jeremy: He was the Formula 1 world champion and the American Indy car champion at the same time, and he was also Britain's highest paid sportsman, and he achieved all this despite being born with a moustache.

[on Nigel Mansell's moustache]
Jeremy: I always thought it was interchangeable with your eyebrows.

[Starting off the car vs. plane race]
James: Now normally when we have these races Jeremy goes in a car and says "POWEEEEEEER" a lot, and Richard and I will go on a ferry, or a train, or an airliner, or whatever. But this time it's slightly different because I've been learning to fly.
Jeremy: So you see, the scene was set, okay? It would be Captain Captain Slow and his Hammond hand luggage in a private plane versus me in a car.

[in May's Cessna 182.]
Richard: We've got no bloody forks!
James: Stop whinging about the ruddy in-flight food, man! And don't jig about because we're climbing... We're struggling in a minute...
Richard: I am not jigging! How rubbish is this thing if I can't even lift a chocolate bar to my face without it crashing into a mountain?

[on May's Cessna 182.]
Jeremy: What's it called?
Richard: [to Jeremy on the phone]Cessna 182; I think "182" refers to the number of quid it cost, I suspect.

Jeremy: Captain Slow is up there in his washing machine. I will not be beaten by a washing machine.

Jeremy: That isn't so much a throttle that my right foot's on, it's a hyperspace button. World's going backwards!

[on the phone with an insurance company]
Jeremy: Hello, are you the people who can "quote me happy" ?

[after the above attempt failed]
Jeremy: I've spent half an hour talking to a man, telling him where you were born, how many children you've got, where you live, what your postcode is, and then he says "Is a Bugatti a Rover?". Well, they've quoted me miserable there.

[on the Veyron]
Jeremy: Even though there are these huge cooling ducts here and the engine has no cover at all, that thing has ten radiators. Three to cool the engine itself, three for the intercoolers, one to do the axle oil, one to do the engine oil and one to cool the hydraulic fluid used to raise that rear spoiler. It's got more radiators than my house!

James: YOU UNBEARABLE MAN, I CAN'T STAND IT!!! [after arriving at the destination for the Veyron vs. Plane race to find Jeremy had already arrived about a minute earlier]

December 27th, 2005 [7.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Can a Mazda go faster than a dog? Can a frog go faster than a Peugeot? And can I go faster than... myself?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Richard: A dog oversteers, which is more fun...
Jeremy: ...than an understeering hyena.
Richard: So, you want a Mazda MX-5 because it's rear wheel drive.

Jeremy: OK, now it's time to do the ugliest car of the year and the nominations are: the Ssangyong Kyron...
Richard: Uugghh...
Jeremy: ...the Ssangyong Rodius...
[shouts of disgust from the audience]
Jeremy: ...and look at this one, the Ssangyong Musso!
[more shouts from the audience]
Jeremy: That thing really is a Moose, isn't it? So which one has won it? It's the BMW 3 Series!
[On "best noise of the year"]
James: That is the sound your spine would make if you could actually hear it tingle.

Jeremy: "If it's not a democracy, it's a dictatorship. And I'm dictating that the Aston Martin V8 Vantage is the winner!" (the 2005 TG Awards)

Jeremy: The next award is for the Gas Guzzler of the year. And the nominations are: The Range Rover sport, which achieved eight miles to the gallon. The Bugatti Veyron, which achieved four miles to the gallon. And Hemel Hempstead. That actually used up 60 million gallons of fuel, didn't move an inch!

[while playing Gran Turismo 4]
Jeremy: I am going to pick a track, we'll go for a real one... Laguna Seca and now we have to pick a car. TVR Tuscan, nope too much of a handful. Aston Martin DB9. That's not a racing car, that's just pornography.

Series 8

May 7th, 2006 [8.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I drive the scariest car in the world. James drives the least scary car in the world. And we all drive a car with a monkey on the roof.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his ears aren't exactly where you'd expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[Talking about their new dog, Top Gear Dog (TGD), being a Labradoodle (Labrador-Poodle cross)]
Jeremy: Yeah, that makes her a hybrid. We were going to call her "Prius", but that would have been cruel... and she would have eaten a lot more than we were expecting.

Jeremy: [Discussing the bright pink convertible Nissan Micra] It just looks like a scrotum!

Jeremy: [About his Ford GT] The thing is, I think I'm right in saying that I have never completed a single journey, anywhere there and back, in it ever. Which must make it the most unreliable car... ever made. In fact, if you've got a more unreliable one, write to us at "Actually, I've Got a Peugeot" BBC Top Gear, London W12...

[Discussing 20p organic crisps]
Jeremy: You see the thing is this, if you buy those crisps, the 20p goes to the Mexican sewage industry but if you buy petrol, the money goes to the government who spend it letting out foreign prisoners so they can stab people.
[Laughter, Hammond with his head in his hands, large applause]

[on quitting his smoking habit]
Jeremy: In recent weeks, the need of nicotine has made me angry with everything, including trees.
[cuts to him critisizing a tree in the woods]
Jeremy: It's just completely the wrong colour. [seeing a twig on the ground] Look, a twig, why, why's it there? [picks up the twig] Look at it! [prepares to throw the twig but it snaps under pressure]

[thundering down the road in the Koenigsegg CCX]
Jeremy: Who needs nicotine?!

Jeremy: [Commenting on the Koenigsegg CCX] I think Koenigsegg is Swedish for: "Oh no, my head has just exploded!"

Jeremy: Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?

[About the Koenigsegg CCX]
Jeremy: Oh. And I'll give you a little tip: If you tune this engine to run on environmentally-friendly biofuel, you'll be getting nine hundred brake horsepower. [laughs] Should I get Bill Oddie one of these?

Jeremy: This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases. [Drives past a sign welcoming him to "Piddington"] That says it all, really. "I drive a people carrier... I'm a bit of a Piddington"

[heading to Woburn Abbey Safari Park in the convertible Renault Espace]
Richard: [to James] Well, let's put it this way: if you were to be locked inside a phone box for half an hour with: a) a monkey, or b) a lion, there you go! What would you go for?
James: The lion.
Richard and Jeremy: What?
James: No, because monkeys, in confined spaces, those barbary monkeys, they panic and they get realy, incredibly violent.
Jeremy: I love the way that James thinks that monkeys are, in some way, the greatest peril that we're facing... in the next hour of our lives.

[At the safari park in their convertible people carrier, watching two lions mate]
Richard: [Voiceover] Fortunately, the lions had other things on their minds.
Jeremy: Oh, look what's going on.
James: Oh no, he's...
Richard: Oh, that's... lion porn!
Jeremy: What are you doing, man?
Richard: What if he tries to do that to us?

[on driving the home-made convertible through the monkey enclosure]
Jeremy: ARGGGGGH! [Sneaks to the front to avoid the monkeys roaming above him on the roof]
James: Hey you got to stay there after you mocked me!

[The three take their convertible people carrier through a car wash]
Jeremy: Uh... it's on fire.
Richard: What?! It can't be on fire! [He looks] It's on fire.
Jeremy: It's on fire. Just run. Just run.
[The three run off... and after the film]
Jeremy: The thing is, we managed to set fire to something that's basically made of water!
Richard: How did you do that? Did you see the owner of the car wash afterwards?
Jeremy: He was...
Richard: Cross. Very cross.
James: He was especially cross when I rang him up and asked if we could have our three pounds fifty back.

James: [about the Honda Civic's poor sound insulation] I mean, I like an engine note as much as the next person, but I'd like it to be a fizzy V6 hand-crafted in Italy. This... [revving the engine] that's a rather dreary 4-pot from rainy Swindon.

Jeremy: You need to be able to drive the car over a sleeping policeman... That wouldn't drive over Richard Hammond's girlfriend.

May 14th, 2006 [8.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I'm ruining the tranquillity of the Yorkshire Dales. Richard ruins Iceland. And we all ruin a local radio show.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the way to hosting the radio programme, Jeremy and James had taken to bad-mouthing Richard's Cadillac BLS]
Richard: Just stop talking now.
[a brief silence...]
James: I don't like the clock.
Richard: Save it!

[during the news]
James: To test for speed, they'd have to give the driver a Hoover.
Richard: Eh?
James: You know when you're at a big party, at the end of it everybody's asleep, the bloke who's on speed is always hoovering.
Jeremy: The rock and roll years, with James May!

Jeremy: [Before the Stig's Liana lap] This week we've been literally inundated with a letter...

James: Now, look at this. A bloke stole a Mercedes McLaren SLR, which is one of the fastest cars in the world. We have to agree it's on the top of our board, but it was fitted with one of those tracker devices. They caught him after 40 minutes, d'you know how far he'd gone in that time?
[Jeremy and Richard shrug shoulders]
James: 12 miles!
[Laughter]
Richard: What was he doing?
Jeremy: That's the least ambitious thief in the world.
James: That's an average speed of 18 miles per hour.
Richard: Why did he nick it?
James: I dunno, but I'd like to appeal to him, if he's been let out by the home secretary, which he almost certainly has been...[Laughter and applause] ...if you'd like to steal a motor vehicle and travel around the place at 18 miles per hour, could you nick my Honda 90?

[during the news, on the new Quickstart product]
James: When you get up in the morning, all your luggage has been stolen from the boot and your car's just a burnt out shell, you'll know you're in France anyway.

[on the new Jaguar XK, and why its front lifts above 130 mph]
Jeremy: Golf. In the boot, golfists want enough room to put their bats...

Jeremy: [About a BMW 650 convertible] This doesn't have an engine. What it has instead is a nuclear bomb under the bonnet.

May 21st, 2006 [8.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I get a hot head..."Ouch! Ouch! I'm on fire..."; Richard gets another Top Gear dog; And James has some trouble with wind.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci Code in 43 seconds... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[Trying to discover what sort of car Richard has bought during the Amphibious Car Challenge]
Jeremy: Hamster! How it's going?
Richard: Very well, thank you, very well indeed!
Jeremy: What are you doing? What've you got?
Richard: Err, it's, it's pretty... I don't wanna tell you, really, but it's pretty... sleek, um, as a road-going vehicle; as a boat I think it's gonna be a winner.
Jeremy: I bet it's a Lotus Esprit, isn't it?
Richard: Well, it's a monocoque [screws up face]. Um, so it, it has sort of sporting... pretensions.
Jeremy: And what're you going in terms of propulsion?
Richard: Uh, well, now, the, the, the, the... lot of power. I'm gonna... I'm gonna fully utilise the onboard power.
Jeremy: [voiceover] Hammond was keeping his cards close to his chest.
James: Hello?
Jeremy: May.
James: Clarkson.
Jeremy: Have you heard from Hamster?
James: Well, yeah, I did, but I can't get much out of him. He's now saying his car is rear-engined, but not a 911. I think he's bought an Hillman Imp and he's making a submarine.

[practicing his negligble sailing skills in a small boat]
James: There's a boat there called the "Hey Presto"! Hang on, there's a boat right here called "Puffin" - Hello Puffin! [crashes heavily into "Puffin"]

[after being drenched in the motor wash from Jeremy's borrowed powerboat]
James: You utter pirate!

[Jeremy has just shown Richard the buoyancy aids he has added to his Toybota.'
Jeremy: So you think...that left to its own devices...a Volkswagen campervan....will float?
Richard: Well it's like...it's like a narrow boat in shape. A narrow boat is just a big box isn't it?
Jeremy: [Extending his hand to Richard] Goodbye.

James: [Struggling onto the Motorway in his Triumph Herald] And we're into top gear... 35mph..!

Jeremy: [voiceover] ...and so in the spirit of Top Gear comradeship... we left James behind.

Jeremy: It's the coldest March for twenty years, because of global warming.

[Richard's van is sinking and James' car is stuck in weeds]
Richard: Tea or coffee, mate?
James: Tea, please.

Jeremy: I've got a spare outboard.
Richard: You are joking.
Jeremy: I have. How much will you give me?
Richard: A million pounds!
Jeremy: A million?
Richard: And a leg, take your pick! Either leg! [Jeremy hands him the tiny 4.5hp motor he was originally recommended] Oh, yes! Now what do I do?

Richard: I'll give you a million pounds, or this bucket.

Richard: Jeremy?
Jeremy: Yes?
Richard: I've come up with a problem.
[realising Richard's bucket has holes in it]
Jeremy: You....you owe me a million pounds!

James: Avast, land lubbers!

Jeremy: Rise Toybota!

James: [to Richard and Jeremy at the end of the challenge] Chaps...one observation I might have. Sailing: REALLY boring!

[after the amphibious car challenge]
Jeremy: James won't be going home in that [points to the Triumph Herald] because the clutch is destroyed, and Richard won't be going home in the Dampervan because it got ruined in the accident. I however can go home in this [points at Toybota] because as we proved with this, [indicates the Hilux] they are indestructible! [Clarkson gets in and tries to start it, but fails, to much ridicule from Hammond and May]

[during the news]
Richard: My five year daughter loves cleaning the car with me, we share it.
Jeremy: Oh, do you live in a yogurt commercial?

Jeremy: Look, anyone who washes their car has a small mind, or is in an unhappy marriage!

[during the news]
James: [Talking about digital displays on the sides of roads] Those displays aren't always true, like the microwave in my mate's kitchen. It says "Enjoy your meal" when you get something out. But I won't if it's my pants...
[The other two start ridiculing him for supposedly having no pants on in his mate's kitchen]

[during the news]
James: The only thing I keep in my car is a little paintbrush for cleaning dust out of the switches.
Richard: You're scaring me, mate...
James: And I always like to have the air vents lined up so they're really completely symmetrical.
Richard: Stop talking now!
James: And if anybody moves them... I get really angry.
Richard to Jeremy: Does genuinely scare me.

[During the Cool Wall, talking about the Koenigsegg CCX.]
Jeremy: If you go though the Pearly Gates, backwards, in a fireball, that's a cool way to die!
Richard: I love that vision of just blasting through the gates, backwards, in a flaming Swedish supercar! "Yes! I'm here! Where are the women?"

Jeremy: (about a Ford Mustang going head-to-head against a Lotus Exige S) "It's got a 4.6 litre 300bhp V8 at the front, rear-wheel drive at the back, and a Stig in the middle."
Jeremy: (about the Exige S, a few seconds later) "And he's lined up alongside a plastic car that was made by some Norfolk turnip farmers, which is being driven by a fat bloke with a dicky hip."

Jeremy: (the start of the Exige S Power Lap) "Slingshot acceleration, thanks to those semi-slick tires and the fact that this doesn't weigh anything..."

May 28th, 2006 [8.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: I investigate some new in-car dogging technology. Richard races a man dressed as a squirrel. And with a wing and a prayer, the Koenigsegg is back on our track.

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he's been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[hearing a bang as he drives a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S]
Richard: Ow! Oh, that sounded expensive.

[on why Jeremy's "brilliant" modified S-Class Mercedes is awful]
James: Have you ever been hit over the head with a wing-back chair?

[to the guest French fashion designer, who complained about his eating habits]
Jeremy: What's the matter with chips with vinegar on them?

Jeremy: I'm gonna have to explain all this to my nine year old boy. [makes a face] Who's ten I've just remembered!

Jeremy: [to the Mercedes S-Class onboard computer] Radio 2. [It retunes to Radio 2] Absolute rubbish. [it retunes to Radio 1] See? This is a brilliant car!

Richard: [holding a red Dorset Naga chili pepper] This... is the BMW Z4. [tastes pepper gingerly with the tip of his tongue] GAH!

Richard: [on the Z4M, still in pain after tasting a red naga chili] It absolutely steals your heart, which is why it's the one I'd drive home. If I could see...

Richard: [Driving the Porsche Cayenne Turbo S] So, we've devised another Richard Hammond real world test...
[scene continues to car vs skydiver stunt]

[on the re-engineered Koeniggsegg CCX, with altered suspension and an added rear spoiler, and keeping in with the modified S-Class theme]
Jeremy: We're no longer just reviewing cars on Top Gear - we're designing them!

[Discussing the cottage design of the Mercedes S Class to the French designer]
Jeremy: We'll try it my way... and then we'll finish it. [walks away quickly]

June 4th, 2006 [8.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: The new Citroën C6: hovercraft or horse manure? Jackie Stewart teaches Captain Slow how to drive. And don't bother watching the World Cup, because we've sorted it for you.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James: OK, here we are with the sitting down news, which comes from Subaru who are arranging a series of track days for £250. You can go the Prodrive test track and thrash around in an Impreza or one of those whose name is - um -
Jeremy and Richard: Legacy.
James: Legacy, that's the one! Um, there's only a few conditions: you have to be eighteen years or over, you have to have had a full driving license for over a year... ooh, and you have to be between 5 foot 2 and 6 foot 7, so that's you two out. Excellent.
Jeremy: That's "heightist" frankly.
Richard: Yeah, that's "heightist."
James: I can't think of a better recommendation actually.
Jeremy: What?
Richard: Us not being able to do it?
James: Exactly, I'll be going, I'll see there.

Richard: And after Jeremy's frankly useless efforts were put on the television, a Scottish lady called Jackie Stewart wrote to us saying that she could get any one of us, to any race track in the country, in any car, get us to set our best time, and then she could get us to knock twenty seconds off that time.
Jeremy: He. It's a he. Jackie Stewart's a he.
Richard: Right-o.
Jeremy: Anyway, we decided to accept his challenge and we sent him the most difficult pupil of them all... him. [Jeremy points to James May]

[on the TVR Tuscan 2 Convertible]
James: In the old days of TVR you would have thought "that's a ticket to a festival of plastic death", but actually I thought it was good. I thought it handled really well.

James: This is probably what will happen to me in hell: A TVR, a racetrack and a pedantic Scotsman.

Jeremy: Last time tonight's star was here he performed so well, a corner was named after him. Please welcome, SIR MICHAEL FOLLOW-THROUGH!

[to Michael Gambon]
Jeremy: Last time you were here, in the Liana: 1.55. You did it, in the Lacetti, in one minute... [Jeremy starts writing the time down but stops, holding the pen up] Due to the unique way the BBC is funded, the pen doesn't work!

[on the Prodrive P2]
Jeremy: You also get a funny little noise from the waste gate when you take your foot off the accelerator... [he lifts off, and we hear the noise] It sounds like squirrels are being pushed into the engine. That's what this is, it's a squirrel mincer!

[on the 2006 Monaco GP]
Jeremy: That's the problem with Formula 1! Everyone's obsessed about sporting behaviour! You see at the Nürburgring, up there at qualifying, the... what's his name, the other Renault driver, FISICHELLA... Fisichella charging down the pitlane to go and plant one on Villeneuve. And they go "Oooh that's not very sporting!" IT IS! He's a young Mediterranean racing driver and he wants to plant a big [punching noise and action] on a stupid, short-sighted, baggy-trousered Canadian. And he should've got points for it.
Richard: Are you saying drivers should just get random points?
Jeremy: Yes!
Richard: And who is going to give them these points?
Jeremy: Me!
[...]
Jeremy: I've got another idea! You know people in Sheffield nightclubs that are always egging their mates to have a fight, every one of the pit garages should have one of those. [Geordie accent] "Aye, you seen that Alonso he were lookin' at your pitboard...he's spilt your practice stop, what are you gonna do, you can't do nothin".
[...]
Jeremy: Listen, Bernie, if you're watching, you've got my number. Gimme a call and some leaves, I'm your man.

[on the Prodrive P2, after being made car-sick by its incredible cornering grip]
Jeremy: It can blow your mind... but also empty your stomach.

[during the news, talking about the Audi RS4 convertible]
Jeremy: Listen, but Uma Thurman's got big hands, you're not going to say "get out of my house," are you?
James: Yes.
Richard: Because she's got big hands?
James: I don't like girls with big hands.
Jeremy: Why don't you like girls with big hands?
James: Well it just looks wrong, doesn't it? You get a woman with big hands that goes, "Hi James, I'm Uma!'" [exaggerates big hand movements]

James: Odious little man. [After losing ANOTHER game of car football to Hammond]

[After receiving a text]
Jeremy: It says, you know about the restraining order, that includes texts. I've called the police! [He looks nervous]

July 16th, 2006 [8.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Tonight: we drive a Formula One car... indoors; Hannibal Lector is in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and we go on a caravan holiday!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother, he will head-butt you in the chest... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: [On the Mazda 6 MPS] And you don't have to worry about all the oomph making the chassis go 'blblblbl' and fall to pieces because it's got four wheel drive.

James: [on film clip] It's not wide enough!

[During the news, James suggests the Daihatsu Copen]
Richard: You would look such a spanner in that!
James: No I wouldn't!
Richard: Yes you would, because you'd be sticking up above up with your big floppy hair like a spaniel. Never, ever, ever, ever buy a car which you are taller than, when you’re sitting in it, than it is long. You'll look like Noddy with bad hair!

Jeremy: Jesus is here!

James: Now, look at this, there's a study out here, it says people with those speed camera detectors are 600% less likely to get a speeding ticket than the rest of us. In other news, it's been revealed that people with metal detectors are 600% less likely to step on land mines.

James: [On driving a bus] Yeah, it's easier actually. Cause you're not being filmed. So you can have a joint. Oh, sorry!

Jeremy: Chaps.
James: Yes?
Jeremy: There's a list of essential accessories.
James: Ok, let's see if we've got them.
Jeremy: Step?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Water container?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Mains hook up lead?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Leisure battery?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Gas cylinders?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: Towing mirrors?
All: YES!
Jeremy: We could be gypsies.

Jeremy: James, the car is weaving about.
Richard: It's not--this is not natural.
James: Really alarming!
Richard: [voiceover] So, we consulted the caravan handbook.
Jeremy: [quoting the handbook] "When a swaying caravan starts to dictate the direction of travel, you have a snake."
Richard: No, you have a crash!
Jeremy: Exactly! [quoting] "Try to keep it in the straight ahead position, and allow the outfit to slow down gradually." [commenting] And that's not true! You put your foot down, don't you?
Richard: Power out of it. Always!
James: Yeah!
Jeremy: Power out!
Richard: Yes, if in doubt, give it more power.
Jeremy: [holding up the handbook] This is wrong!

James: This car feels really odd.
Jeremy: James, it--what's a Kia C--
Richard: Thingy.
Jeremy: Soprano, Sudoku... It's not a good car.

James: Do you know what's behind us?
Jeremy: What?
James: Horse box.
Richard: What, we're holding up a horse box?
Jeremy: Ah, now that's payback. I like that. I'll write him a message. [He picks up the keypad for an LED messageboard bought at the service station] Serves... You... ["Serves you right!" appears on the screen at the back of the caravan]

[riding in the tow car on a single-carriageway country road]
Richard: Oh, I've just seen the queue [behind them] as we came off the roundabout! I can't live with the shame!

[police sirens are heard]
Jeremy: Police are here! Runaway!
Richard: Run! Hide in a bush!

Jeremy: So far we'd learnt that if there are any joys to caravanning they certainly weren't to be had on the journey. All we'd done on the way to Dorset is crash into things, bicker, get cautioned by the police, cause a lot of jams, have a puncture, clear up some dog sick, have a noisy disgusting picnic at the side of the road and get stuck.

Richard: Oh no, Jeremy it's worse... over there. That's not a sign you ever want to read on your holiday. [points to a sign that reads: "Toilet Chemical Disposal Only"]

[After Richard is "abducted" by an elderly fan in a neighbouring caravan]
James: What's Hammond doing with the dog?
Jeremy: The dog went in with him.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Him and the dog and the biggish woman are in a caravan.

James: It is amazing upholstery, I went in there and I immediately wanted a curry.

Jeremy: [peeking in the caravan after they park up] Ohh... [seeing shattered dishes on the floor] Oh no.
Richard: Ooh!
James: Oh, dear.
Richard: [laughing] Oh, my word. Wha...
[the caravan tips back as they all enter]
All: Woah!
Jeremy: Oh my God!
James: You've got to put the legs down first.
Richard: We're not brilliant at this are we?

Richard: Ow!
Jeremy: Was that your finger?
Richard: [singsong voice] There's gonna be swearing!

Jeremy: Here it is!
Richard: Wow. Star Trek!

[examining the tiny berth Jeremy has to sleep in]
James: That's not a bed, is it?
Richard: [laughing] There is no way you are gonna make it through the night!
Jeremy: I have worked my fingers to the bone for this!
James: What a reward!
Richard: You can't sleep on that, Jeremy. It's gonna go, and then you'll break your back in the middle of the night... and that'll wake everybody!
Jeremy: You two are sleeping in a double bed! I'm gonna ring "The Daily Mail" immediately!

[Richard is exploring the caravan after they are finally parked up]
Richard: What the heck! [voiceover] And then I discovered Jeremy's secret weapon. Literally.
Jeremy: Ah, yes. I brought that. [Hammond reveals what Jeremy had packed, and hands it to Jeremy] Yeah, well, you might-- I thought--
Richard: That's an AK-47.
Jeremy: I know. I thought I might need it.
Richard: Why?
Jeremy: A weekend in a box with James May and I thought, what am I gonna need?
Richard: You're not a practical man, are you?

Jeremy: Can I just say guys, I've got a king sized bed at home.
Richard: I like it.
James: I like it. It's nice... it's homey.
Richard: No, I'm alright with caravanning!
[A train is heard in the distance]
Jeremy: Oh good, a train!
Richard: Nice, that's nice.
Jeremy: Listen. How often is that gonna happen all night?
James: It's alright. It's romantic.
Richard: Don't say things like that! I'm on the same bed as you!

James: I'm gonna go off and I'm gonna find one of those ruddy-faced farmers and his organic, rosy-cheeked wife, and get some free-range eggs and... grass-fed bacon, and all that local produce.

Jeremy: How do I "Release The Excrements"?
Richard: Ohhhh... you're so on your own with that job!

[on taking a caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Why do 17% of British people want to do this? [mocking] "I know: for our holiday, let's empty our turds out ourselves."

Jeremy: [complaining about the camp site] You aren't allowed to have a fire, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to play music, you have to be in bed by eleven, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you can't have anything. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration camp!

Jeremy: Why would anybody think this was a holiday? I mean at what point in the last eight hours have I done anything I'd call holidayish? Nothing! I've been in a car accident, I've watched James May destroy a camp-site, I've stabbed myself seven times...

Jeremy: She spent twelve thousand pounds on a caravan so she can go to a field and defecate in a bucket! I'm sorry, but when we come to power, caravaning is going to be banned, and that's it.

[Jeremy is reading a Thai cookery book, planning lunch]
Jeremy: James, you know that shop you went to this morning? Did it have any raw prawns?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coconut milk?
James: No.
Jeremy: Green curry paste?
James: No.
Jeremy: Coriander leaves? Snake beans?
James: It had some potatoes.
Jeremy: Oh, well I'd do chips then.
[he then causes a pan fire which then burns down their, and the adjoining, caravan]
Jeremy: Oh God. Uh, Richard!
Richard: What?
Jeremy: Richard, have you got a fire extinguisher?
Richard: No. Why?
Jeremy: [outside] How do you put a pan fire out?
James: Tea towel in water.
Jeremy: [inside, the cabinets are shown burning] Richard, are there any water?
Richard: No, I used it all on my hair.
Jeremy: Guys, it is no longer a pan fire, it's a van fire.

[towing away the torched wreck of their caravan]
Jeremy: All things considered, how do you think the holiday went?
Richard: ...I think "well."

[in the studio, talking about their caravan holiday]
Jeremy: Okay, you two gave it your best shot. You tried to like it. Did you?
Richard: No, absolutely not.
James: I would like it, I think, if I were on my own.
Richard: Do you seriously think you're gonna be welcomed in ANY campsite after that?

July 23rd, 2006 [8.7]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Is a Peugeot faster than two men? Has Lamborghini gone mad again? And can we build a whole car in 8 hours?

[about the Gallardo Convertible]
Jeremy: You can try to drive it quietly if you want to, but it's impossible, because if you accidentally stray over 3500 rpm you just get this sort of... bark, of that. (Stepping on the gas) You hear that? Quiet... Bark! AAARRR!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that on really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

James: Yes, it's the Mercedes B-class! Keen students of the alphabet will probably have worked out already that this is one up from the A-class.

[In the Caterham race]
James: Don't hit it with a hammer!
Clarkson: Why?
James: ...because that's the tool of a pikey!

Jeremy: The Stig was now on the M40 and had the hammer down. I, too, had put my hammer down, and picked up a spanner! And something was bound to go wrong.

James: Meanwhile, down in Oxford, the Stig was revealing something new about himself... he has a bladder!

Richard: How far from Scotland is Carlisle?

Jeremy: The nipple is off, the tube is in the hole... I will be needing some pump.

[realizing he installed the driver's seat backwards in the Caterham Challenge]
Jeremy: How did I do that?

[at the Caterham challenge]
Jeremy: I am going as the crow flies. I am a Stig.

[on building the Caterham]
Jeremy: '[monotone] Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Boring. Boring. [Hammond attempts to eat the manual.] Dull. Tedious. Annoying. Back-ache. Arm-ache. [Hammond continues trying to destroy the manual] Cramp. Miserable. Hate. James. Hate. James.

James: You should feel it go stiff now.
Jeremy: Pump, man! Pump! Braking happening?
Richard: Oh, yeah, that's much better. That's hard.

James: How hard can it be to build a kit car?
Richard: Well, as it turns out: very! Because all you did all the way was shout at Jeremy.
Jeremy: And all I wanted to do was stick a screwdriver in the side of his head!

Jeremy: After we'd finished, the people at Caterham put a plaque on our car, can you see that? [We see a plaque reading "Built by Top Gear"] Which has rendered this car absolutely worthless.

Jeremy: Jiggle it.
Richard: I'm jiggling like a bugger.

[While racing the Peugeot 207 against the parkour boys]
James: I'm not going to be beaten by some pre-pubescent teenagers in camouflaged trousers.

July 30th, 2006 [8.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Noble's difficult third album comes to our track; the art of being a white van man; and the Suzuki Liana is back with some bloke called Jenson Button!

Richard: And, then, inside, it's the usual blend of dead animal and rainforest, but with a twist!

[Richard and James are talking about the Rolls Royce's ceiling with lots of little lights on that look like stars from the other side of the studio]
Jeremy: That is DISGUSTING!
Richard: Oh, dear! I fear Jeremy may be heading this way with an opinion!

Jeremy: [To Richard] Why don't you tell the audience, with your Tippex teeth...

Richard: Now, the previous Noble, the M12, was a real "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" punch in the back.

Richard: If I was in a TVR, now, the indicators would be on the ceiling and the switches would be made of kryptonite and the doors would open inwards on a dodecahedral hinge. But no! If I pull up in a Noble, the door is just a door, that opens sort of... doorishly!

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say that his first name really is "The," and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant including the camera men... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jenson Button: I like to enjoy myself as we all do.
Jeremy: [interrupting] So you get a lot of sex.
Jenson: Probably more than you Jeremy, yes.

Jeremy: Next up, James Kray.

Jeremy: Richard really did have a size problem and his van was pretty small as well.

Jeremy: [upon seeing the size of the van James had bought] James, are you filming with us today or are you moving house?

Jeremy: Who's got the fastest van?

Jeremy: I'm no match for Hamster; look at his postage stamp go!

Richard: [voiceover] James was having problems with his illegal immigrant. So, he decided to employ him.

Jeremy: [upon being unable to break into Richard's Suzuki Super Carry] Why don't you just pick the van up and put it in your pocket?

[Hammond has just flipped his Suzuki Super Carry.]
Jeremy: So, um, I guess he could be dead!
James: Well, there's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...
Jeremy: Well, if he is dead, and you fancy a job on Top Gear, why not write to us at "I'm better than Richard Hammond was...
Richard: I may have... have overcooked that a bit.
Jeremy: ...BBC, Wood Lane, London W12 7TS!"

Series 9

January 28th, 2007 [9.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Jaguar's supercharged XKR vs. its twin sister; why do road-works take so long? And Jamie Oliver prepares a delicious lap in our Reasonably-Priced Car!

[Upon starting the new series]
Jeremy: Now there is actually a problem, really, because, obviously, one of us blokes has now become Princess Diana!

[referring to Richard's comeback to the studio]
Jeremy: ...and here's something I never thought I'd be saying at one point, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome... Richard Hammond!

[having just made a grand entrance down a staircase, with fireworks and dancing girls]
Richard: That's the most embarrassing thing I've ever done!

[on Richard's return]
Jeremy: Anyway, listen. This is the big question. I guess everybody wants to know. Are you ready? Are you now a mental?
Richard: No!
[the audience laughs]
Richard: I'm not! I'm fixed! I'm completely fixed, and normal, and healed. Thank you. What are you doing?
James: I thought you might need these... [hands Hammond tissues] ...in case you start dribbling.
Richard: That's all I've had for four months...
James: What? Tissues?
Richard: No! People hanging around just watching, waiting for my eyes to point in different directions and for me to go bonkers. I'm fixed, I'm normal.
Jeremy: Are you the same person that you were before?
Richard: Yes! I mean, the doctors were worried, because it's brain damage, you know... personality change or whatever, but... no, the only difference between me now and me before the crash is... I like celery now and I didn't... before.
Jeremy: So you're still shouty? You're still fighty?
Richard: Yes...
James: And if I take you to the pub, are you still going to want to punch me in the face after 15 minutes?
Richard: Yes, though that's, to be honest, more your personality than mine.
Jeremy: I always want to punch him in the face after 15 minutes, sometimes less.
Richard: Yeah, that's perfectly normal.

[moments before his dragster crash]
Richard: When the afterburner lights, I haven't got 5,000 horsepower: I've got 10,000 horsepower, and possibly the biggest accident you've ever seen in your life.

[getting strapped into the dragster moments before his crash]
Richard: I don't wanna be upside down!

[his first thought when the wheel of the jet car exploded]
Richard: Oh bugger! Something's gone wrong!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else, he realized that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs... [the audience applauds wildly and Jeremy pauses for a short moment]... [laughing] all we know is, he's called the Stig.

Jeremy: ...how hard can it be?
Richard: Oh, how I've missed the pang of dread every time you say the words "How hard can it be?"

[In a fish and chip shop, ordering a meal for his work crew]
Richard: Can I have Cod and Chips times 75.

[observing the approach of a storm]
Jeremy: In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, "Oh spiffing!"

[speaking over a bull horn to the men of the D5481]
Jeremy: The Pantheon, the Pyramids, the Great Wall of China. Each a shining beacon of mans ambition and today the D5481 will join that list. We shall build this road in a day, our resurfacing work will last for a thousand years!

[on the Jaguar XKR]
Jeremy: ...while it doesn't have a shed load of power, it is still quite fast. You passed sixty miles an hour in 4.9 seconds. You passed a hundred in thirteen seconds, and that's good... but imagine how good it would be if it had more power!

February 4th, 2007 [9.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Hugh Grant stars in our Reasonably-Priced Car; and is the new Audi TT any good? We find out... by playing golf.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal... all we know is, he's called Lord Stig!

James: This is Germany, there are procedures to go through... I like procedures.

James: It's no wonder Michael Schumacher retired, he's slower than me!

James: This is a road car, and I'm up to 404... 405, come on!

James: [after hearing it's now illegal to retune a radio while driving] I can't listen to an episode of the Archers in the car without losing my temper, and having a crash... deliberately... to end it.

Richard: Wow! A TVR band! So presumably they play really loud, really fast and then burst into flames!

[while Jeremy is speaking before the panel of experts]
James: Oh look, I found Jeremy's notes: Trousers, fat, Hitler, Teige, Mazda, Alfa, modernism, minimalism.

James: [in the museum gift shop, as a general question] Do you have like a single volume on the artistic influence of Alfa Romeo coupes?

Jeremy: You went to art school--you should be good at this.
Richard: Did you go to art school?
Jeremy: No I didn't.
Richard: Then you wouldn't know. All you do at art school is drink and pursue women.

[to Richard on speaking before the museum experts]
Jeremy: Do you know what? We've made amphibious cars, we made a convertible people carrier, I've raced you to Oslo... this is the hardest thing I have ever faced.

Jeremy: That's the inside of the Mazda... that's not Bauhaus. That's my trousers.

Museum Expert: What does it symbolize?
Jeremy: The Audi?
Museum Expert: Yes.
Jeremy: It symbolises... [pause] freedom...? [making reference to the film Braveheart] freedom...! like that.

February 11th, 2007 [9.3]

[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]

[on the Big Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's American cousin!

[at a car dealer in Miami]
Jeremy: It's $2900 this. It's a big ask to get him down to a thousand. I might offer him a burger...
[the obese car dealer arrives to show the vehicle]
Jeremy: Very popular with murderers, these cars.
Obese Car Dealer: Yeah.

Jeremy: [To the car dealer] How much murdering goes on here?
Car Dealer: A lot. If you go one mile away from here- if you go to any street-
Jeremy: I'll be murdered.
Car Dealer: Yeah. Everybody up here, they got guns. Including me. Wanna see? [Pulls out a gun]
Jeremy: He's not joking!
Car Dealer: It's real- here- [takes out the magazine, hands the gun to Jeremy]
Jeremy: [takes the gun] Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.
Car Dealer: Welcome to United States.
[cut to Jeremy walking out of a door, carrying a rifle]
Jeremy: [to camera] This is his other gun. [To the dealer] That's not a shotgun Robert, that's a rifle.
Car Dealer (Robert, I guess.): Yeah, that's a rifle. The Shotgun is... somewhere else. I don't know.
Jeremy: You need this if you're going to be a car salesman?
Robert: The guy right here, If you go two blocks down here, he got shot 5 times.
Jeremy: Why, by someone buying a car?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: HE killed the guy?
Robert: He killed the guy.
Jeremy: So why have you got telescopic sights on here?
Robert: Because if they go far away you just shoot them. You saw the movie, John Wayne? The guy is runnning all the way, like 500 feet, and phyw! You shoot him right there.
[cut to Richard answering his phone]
Jeremy: Hammond.
Richard: Yes, Jeremy, How're you doing?
Jeremy: Just been told by my new best friend- Robert, the Persian- if you go beyond 79th street you will definitely be murdered.
Richard: [looks panicked] What?
Jeremy: Good bye. [hangs up]
[cut to Jeremy] Jeremy: Hammond is wearing cowboy boots. They're gonna shoot him, aren't they?
[cut to Richard, confused]: Is it south or north of 79th street? I can't go.
[cut to Richard walking along a street] (voiceover) Richard: I decided the best plan was to stay on 79th street itself.

Jeremy: He's wearing cowboy boots... he's gonna be shot!

[regarding James being late]
Jeremy: He will have walked into a Dealer, said "Hello!" and they've have shot him!.
[Richard laughs]

[regarding James' Cadillac]
James: It isn't fast, b--
Richard: You don't say, it's not fast! Is it not mate? I took one look and thought, "ooo, it looks like a Lotus Exige!"

Jeremy: [Over the CB radios] Brokeback, Brokeback. This is Murderer.
Richard: This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain.
Jeremy: [Shot of Jeremy, looking confused as the sound that spews out of the CB radio is entirely indecipherable] I wonder why these CB radios never caught on...
James: Breaka breaka One-Nine Contact Eyeball Ten Ten 'till we do it again Captain Slow.
Richard: He's there! [Points out the window to James' car] He's there and I can't understand him!

Richard: [imitating a lorry driver in Florida] It's raining, I'm going north and I'm looking for a whore!

[James May explaining the artwork on his car]: To understand what Jeremy has done to the car, you must under stand that this is deep Republican territory. That woman is the Arch-democrat. She's the Anti-crhirst.

[Jeremy and the others are passing into Alabama and notice bullet-holes in the sign]
Jeremy: They shot their own sign. What are they gonna do to us?

[escaping the redneck gas station]
Jeremy: I've just remembered, I've actually got loads of petrol. [drives off]

[As the trio decides to flee the gas station]
James: Hammond?
Richard: What?
James: Jump leads!
Richard: You're joking...

[after wiping of the "offending" artwork]
Jeremy (narrating): With the artwork gone, we hit the road...hard.
Jeremy:I'm doing something I'd never thought I would do. I am running for the border.
James: God in heaven, that was actually frightening.
Richard: They could've killed us!
Jeremy: They really do have an irony deficiency here. I can honestly belive that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables.

[discussing their challenge to eat roadkill]
Richard: 'Well that's okay. [to Jeremy] You can prepare it, wash it and such, I can cook it and James can dress for dinner!

Jeremy: [while carrying a tortoise off the road] Urgh! Don't do that, tortoise! [Drops tortoise]

Jeremy: How can you get... theres no wild tortoises here.
Richard: Well, they gotta be somewhere.
Jeremy: It's escaped from some 8-year-old girl's bedroom.
Richard: How can a tortoise escape? [pretends to chase a tprtoise in slow motion] Come back! Come back!
[Jeremy laughs]

Richard: I am not peeling a squirrel!

Richard: I'm thinking how long I've been out in the sun, putting that tent up. Because what I'm seeing--and you'll love this--is a cow on the roof of your Camaro.

[Jeremy has just pulled up with a cow on his roof]
Jeremy: What we've got to do now is...
Richard: ...peel it.
[Jeremy laughs]

Jeremy: A bit of cheese with that would be delicious.

Richard: Hey Jeremy! I'm better. I can no longer see a cow on your roof!

Jeremy: If you're thinking of coming to America, this is what it's like: you've got your Comfort Inn; you got your Best Western; you got your Red Lobster where you eat. Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid and everybody's very rude. It's not the holiday programme--it's the truth.

[on the devastation in New Orleans]
Jeremy: How can the rest of America sleep at night knowing that this is here?

[Closing remarks]
Jeremy: So, this week we have two Top Gear Top Tips for you. Firstly, yes, you can buy instead of rent, and secondly, don't go to America!

February 18th, 2007 [9.4]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: One small stumble for man as we build a space shuttle; I drive a nuclear bomb disguised as a Mercedes; and Simon Pegg makes a hot fuzz in our Reasonably-Priced Car.
Simon: [timidly] Help!

[Talking about Porsches vs Ferrarris]
Jeremy:... It's like David Attenborough. I respect David Attenborough, I mean just, infinite respect, in the same way I respect that car. But I have no passion for him; I don't want to make love to him.
Richard: Yeah but... [audience laughing] But I have respect and passion for the 911.
Jeremy: There you are, you just admitted on television that you wanna make love to David Attenborough.

[News about Porsche 911, continued from the earlier discussion...]
Richard: It's possibly the ultimate 911.
Jeremy: In the same way that Ebola is the ultimate tropical disease, [Pointing to the 911 roll cage] what's all that scaffolding in the back?
Richard: Well, it's a roll cage.
Jeremy: No, I'm sorry. If I see scaffolding around a building, I'll go Oh look, they haven't finished that yet. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say that's not finished.

[Still on the Porsche 911, after Hammond explained the intricacies of using it in daily life]
James: So in the real world my 1.2 litre Fiat Panda is faster to the shops.
Richard: No mate, it's just not.
James: Because I've got to put the seatbelt on once. You have got to do it six times.
Richard: OK, I've got to do that and wait whilst you put your seatbelts on and then go through all your preflight checks, and make sure all the airvents are all in the same direction. [audience laughing]

[About the BBC requiring all its employees to take a safe driving course]
Jeremy: [Reading from a paper] The BBC is committed to reducing the risks from this activity (driving). They are making it sound like masturbation.
James: Stop driving or you'll go blind.
Jeremy: Exactly!

[Reading some of the questions from the safe driving course]
Jeremy: You have a blowout on your motorway, one for you here Hammond (referring to 9.1 where Hammond crashed)

[Reading the third (or maybe last) question from the safe driving course]
Jeremy: What's the primary hazard facing drivers when driving at night? Anybody want to hazard a guess at that? No hang on, this is [straining to hear an answer from the audience] go on, what? Dark. Anything else?
Guy in the audience: Germans!
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: Germans.
Richard: These are all valid, valid points.
Jeremy: None of these things are on my list, anybody else got any thoughts?
Another guy in the audience: Peasants!
Jeremy & Richard (laughing): Peasants.
Jeremy: No. It's, um, glare from other vehicles' headlamps. Cyclists in dark clothing; it's their own fault for not working hard enough not having a car.

[To Simon Pegg in the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car interview]
Jeremy: Now, can I just move on, 'cause films, you're a bit of a buff I gather.
Simon: I am a bit.
Jeremy: Star Wars, in particular.
Simon: Yeah absolutely.
Jeremy: Did you not once write a three-and-a-half thousand word essay on why you thought C3PO was gay?

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that if you lick his chest, it tastes exactly the same as piccalilli, and that at this week's Brit awards, he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the Brabus-tuned SL65]
Jeremy: Here we are, if you want it, with proof, that absolute power really does corrupt... absolutely.

[after the Reliant shuttle crashed and exploded]
James: That's why...
Richard: How are we going to use it again?

February 25th, 2007 [9.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We try to grow our own petrol; I drive the new Lamborghini, quite badly; And cool-wall muse Kristin Scott Thomas is in our Reasonably-Priced Car!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears' head... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[the trio debate Clarkson's haircut]
James: I had mine cut last week and you said having a hair cut on the studio day was "gay".
Jeremy: I said you should spend more than four pounds on a hair cut James, that's what I actually said.
James: So why didn't you?

Jeremy: ...and it has air conditioning, unlike the ones in Lambos of old, isn't like being coughed on. By a mouse. [imitates mouse coughing]

Jeremy: [chasing May with a pitchfork] May! You're gonna die! I'm gonna feed you into your own machine!

[on James' small Fiat Panda]
James: He exploited the diminuitive size of my Panda to sit there going [motions leg fondling] "ooh I'm terribly sorry".

Richard: There's only 2 knobs in it, well, 3 if you count the one who bought it.

Jeremy:[on Lamborghini Murciélago's options price list after mentioning the 'flappy paddle' gearbox was £6,000] You need a flappy paddle head to spend that

March 4th, 2007 [9.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We cut some cars in half with saws; Richard smokes a horse; and who's in our Reasonably Priced Car? Oh, it's his assistant!

[on the Stig]
Richard: Some say he isn't machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve... all we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the stretched Panda's passenger entry system]
James: It's an ingenious solution to a problem that should never have existed in the first place.

[on getting shot in the genitals with a paintball gun]
James: The rules said hits on the car, not hits on the wedding vegetables.

James: Can I just ask why you shot me in the penis?

Series 10

October 7th, 2007 [10.1]

[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]

James: It's time for a question, Just where is the greatest driving road in the world? Something that has the challenging bends, the fast straights, no traffic, the spectacular views, the lot.
[Jeremy walks up to a world map]
Jeremy: [points to North America] Now it can't be there 'cause they're all doing five, [points to South America] can't be there 'cause they're all on drugs,[points to Africa] that's just full of ox, [points to Antarctica] Al Gore says that's gone so it's not likely to be down there, [points to Australia] that's full of spiders...
Richard: Jeremy!
Jeremy: [points to the Philippines] Signs here are full of gibberish, [points to mainland Asia] they're all communists, [points to the Middle East] can't go there 'cause the Americans will shoot you.
Richard: Nuh! Yes, thank you Jeremy! We obviously disscussed this at length and we concluded that the best driving road in the world would probably be somewhere in continental Europe, or more precisely around here, [points to the Alps on a map of Europe] the Alps. Then we decided that the best thing to do would be to go there and see if we could find it.

[Jeremy on the VW Golf GTi W12]
Jeremy: My biggest problem with it is that I can't see the point of saying "I've got a supercar and the great thing is it looks like a Golf." That's like saying "I'm married to a supermodel and the great thing is she looks like a traffic warden."

[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that his scrotum has its own small gravity field, and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is, he's called Cuddles.

[on the concept Golf GTI W12, during the Stig's lap]
Jeremy: No CD today, because predictably, the CD player doesn't work.

[on Top Gear's new seating]
Jeremy: I love the way James has gone into that chair as though he belongs.

James: This is the Bentley Brooklands, It's a uh, it's a two-door um, um, what's the other one called that they make?
Jeremy: [laughing] Continental, Azure, Arnage...
Richard: My, we have been off for a while, haven't we...

Richard: ...it is time to do, the Cool Wall!
[the camera reveals the fire-damaged Cool Wall]
Richard: Unfortunately, the Cool Wall was one of the major casualties in our fire, but we will persevere.
Jeremy: Yes we will, and we're going to kick off with this! [pulling a fire-damaged picture from a box]
Richard: Is it a golf?
Jeremy: No, it looks more an Alfa...
[Jeremy approaches an audience member]
Jeremy: What do you think that is?
Man: It's an Audi.
[Jeremy closely examines the picture]
Jeremy: How empty is your life, that you are able to determine that this is an Audi from that photograph...

[From the unedited news]
James: I've seen you (Jeremy) multi-task whilst driving.
Richard: No! You cant talk about that on telly mate.
Jeremy: That's not in the highway code: Wank!
Richard: [Laughs] Does it say anything about wanking in your Lambo?

[From the unedited news]
Richard: Although it gives me an idea, because we got our track here, why don't we have track days, but instead of getting caught up on how fast you go, we just let people smoke while they're driving.
Jeremy: Or put their make-up on.
Richard: Or use their mobile phone. All the stuff you want to do.
Jeremy: Or eat a pie.
Richard: Around our track.
James: Yeah! Yeah! And speed!
Jeremy: And have a wank. [Whilst making masturbation gestures] I'm going round the Hammerhead now!
Richard: Ahh, none of that's going on the telly!

Richard: So, the cars. James?
James: NO.
Richard: I love the Porsche. But, the thing is, I still don't understand why it's 15,000 more for the RS Model.
Jeremy: I've got to say the same thing for my Lambo. I don't believe that I wouldn't have as much fun driving in a normal Gallardo.
James: Hang on. So we went on a driving holiday and all the cars were wrong?
Richard: Yes! We're back in business!
Jeremy: Top Gear: Ambitious, but rubbish! (Audience laughing) And more of that next week, see you then. Good night!

October 14th, 2007 [10.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James May faces trial by water. Richard Hammond faces trial by fire. And I drive a Ferrari on the moon!

[on the Audi R8's handling]
Jeremy: Driving most supercars is like trying to man-handle a cow up a back staircase. But this is like smearing honey into Keira Knightley.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he's banned from the town of Chichester, and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[After James tries to compare an F430 with Cheese]
Jeremy: Why are you on this programme!?

[While trying to take down his mast]
James: What is it actually caught on?
Jeremy and Richard: The security camera.

[Showing the oil drums on the back of his "Toybota"]
Jeremy: These should give me more...ummm......ummmm.
Crew Member: Stability.
Jeremy: Yes, that.

[reacting to the English Channel challenge]
Jeremy: I'm 47 years old. I'm gonna be run down by a Korean grain carrier and minced.
Richard: Yeah. But what a day!

[As Richard's dampervan creates plumes of white smoke]
Jeremy: It is like the West Indian dope smoking team practing in the car.
[Cue to Richard, a large smile on his face]

[As his Herald sinks]
James: MAYDAY!

[Richard drops his Porsche Pipe]
Richard:I spun off in me Porsche, look at that!

[Talking about the pipes]
Richard: [To Jeremy] You don't look right with that, but have you noticed [clears throat] over my shoulder?

[Jeremy puts the wrong end of the Porsche pipe in his mouth]
Jeremy: It's a 911 Porsche, hot bit goes at the back.

James: [Using his pipe to point] I'll tell you something...
Richard: You see? He's pointing!

[After burning his tongue with his pipe]
Jeremy: Oh God!
[Richard, James and audience Laugh]
Jeremy: That's not gone well!
[Due to the lit tobacco on his tongue, it rather sounded like 'Dat's not gonn woll!', causing even more laughter.]

[After James' Triumph Herald sank for the final time]
Richard: James' Herald was now beyond repair, fortunately, Jeremy was on hand to comfort him.
Jeremy: YOU'VE FAILED!!
[Revs engine and splashes James with water]
James: Thank you.

[After James had gone into Hammond's cabin to make Tea]
Jeremy: [To James] Oy! Prescott! I'll have a bacon sandwich!

[After sinking in Hammond's campervan]
James: This is the third time I've been in this bloody sea!
Richard: Technically, it wasn't my fault.

[On their attempt to break Richard Branson's record for crossing the channel in an amphibious car]
Jeremy: Beardy, you're going down!

Richard: [voiceover] Meanwhile, back with Captain Pugwash...
James: Sod it. Right sail. [James' sail swings round and the beem hits him in the head] Oww. Bloody thing.

Coast Guard pilot over radio: Please state your intentions.
Jeremy: Our intentions are to cross the Channel faster than Beardy Branson.
Coast Guard pilot over radio: In that case, I wish you the best of luck.

October 28th, 2007 [10.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: James drives a Rolls Royce, Richard drives a Bugatti Veyron and I drive something that isn't either of those things.[Shows video of Jeremy driving a Peel P50 round the BBC Office]

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he gets terrible eczema on his helmet, and that if he'd been the video referee at the World Cup Rugby Final, he'd have seen ' of course it was a try you blind Australian half-wit'! All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[On the Peel P50]
Jeremy: Built on the Isle of Man in the early 60's, the P50 was said to be almost cheaper than walking. It cost 150 pounds and did 100 miles to the gallon. It sounds perfect then, for the roads of today.

[On the Peel P50]
Jeremy [shouting]: What I've got down here by my right leg making noise and generating quite a bit of heat is the 49cc engine from a moped!

[Whilst driving through London in the Peel P50]
Jeremy: There's something I just realised. I have to pay congestion charge in this part of London. But the camera crew in the Lexus 4x4 don't because it's a hybrid. How fair is that?! I mean, it's not like I'm creating any pollution at all!" (accelerates, leaving a trail of smoke behind him.)

[Talk about Lamborghini Reventón.]
Richard: Anyway, it has a 6.5L V12.
Jeremy: B12.
Richard: Yep, whatever. It can do 2...
Jeremy: whateber.
Richard: Please stop, it's very annoying. It can do 220 miles per..
Jeremy: bery annoying.
Richard: Leave it!!

[Ending their feature of the Reventón]
Jeremy: Couple of problems: One, they're only making twenty and only one's coming to Britain; the other thing is Eight Hundred Thousand Pounds.
Richard: Yep, that is quite a lot...
Jeremy: Hmmn... But with this, you would get a lot of badge.
Richard: Badge? (ponders, then realizes...)...umph, NO!
Jeremy: I think I got away with that one. Anyway...

November 4th, 2007 [10.4]

James: [James comments on Jeremy's and Richard's car choice] You've both been idiots.
Jeremy: No!
James: Brilliantly interesting (points to the Opel) brilliantly stylish (points to the Lancia Beta) but stupid.
Richard: But...
Jeremy: Why's mine stupid?
Richard: Wha...where is yours? (James points to behind him) Whoa! Haha, a Lancia? You have been a bit thick.

[Driving his Opel Kadett down the road in Africa]
Richard: This is just the happiest car in the world! I shall call it Oliver! Not that we'd ever name a car on Top Gear. I wish I hadn't said that.

[Shedding weight from the cars]
James: [Pointing at his door mirror] That doesn't work.
[Jeremy smashes the mirror off with his hammer]
James: Thanks, awfully.

(voiceover) Jeremy: The next morning, we were told our problem would not be gunk, but dust, so James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.
[Camera switches to show Jeremy heavily-clad in clothing]
Jeremy: I've teamed my kikoy with a bin liner, v-necked, last time I wore one of these, ah, I went to see the Clash
(voiceover) Jeremy:Frankly, I all thought it was a bit much. I mean, How bad could this dust be?
[Camera switches to all Jeremy, Richard and James driving through a dust storm]
Jeremy: AHHHHHHH! MY EYES!
James: Oh god, this is awful, I can't even see Jezza already [coughs heavily]
(voiceover) Richard: Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...
[Camera switches to Richard in Oliver the Opel, who is unbothered by the dust due to refusing to strip his car out]
Richard: I'll adjust this quarterlight a bit, ah that's better.
Jeremy: Oh no, no, NO! Look at this bit now.
James:[his kikoy falls off] The kikoy's come off. [coughs heavily] Hello?
(voiceover) Jeremy: James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.
Jeremy:[to James] I've got consumption and TB.
James:[coughs heavily]
Jeremy: I've got every single 1920's disease.

James: [to Jeremy] Can I point something out?
Jeremy: What?
James: Hammond's walking around his car muttering about how he needs all of it.
Jeremy: I know exactly what he's doing.
James: He's formed an emotional attachment to his car.
Jeremy: It'll be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"
[Jeremy and James laugh]

James: Can I just say...
Jeremy: What?
James: You [indicating Richard] look like a gay cowboy, and you [indicating Jeremy] look like a gay terrorist.
Jeremy: No you look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face looks ridiculous.

Jeremy: [to Richard] Do you know how it feels to have someone punch you really hard in the middle of the face?
Richard: I do, actually.

[As his car sinks in the river]
Richard: Float! Float! OLIVER!!!

Jeremy: (on African Stig) Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.

November 11th, 2007 [10.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: The Stig tests a tube train; Richard tests a pair of shorts; and I try my hand at running!

[on the Aston Martin V8 Vantage]
Jeremy: I would rather be in this, than in Keira Knightley.
[...]
James: And now the news: and this just in from Keira Knightley: She says she's disappointed but she understands.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that to unlock him, you have to run your finger down his face, like this (runs his finger down the face of an audience member standing nearby), and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he'd keep his stupid whiney mouth shut! All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[after revealing Simon Cowell has beaten Gordon Ramsay for first place on the Celebrity Lap Time Board.]
Jeremy: And Gordon Ramsay has just committed suicide.
Simon: Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.

Jeremy: This has to be the most stress-free and relaxing Monday-morning rush-hour commute since the dawn of civilisation.
Richard: OH NOT ANOTHER SET OF SODDING LIGHTS! OH BLOODY HELL! (To pedestrians) Have a nice walk! Enjoy yourself!

[on the car's loss in the race]
Richard: Can I clear something up? I don't get this. Watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrive fifteen minutes after everybody else. Now if I remember correctly when I got there, James, you were already there and had been for ages.
Jeremy: He was, and you know something else? I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
James: Yes, and I'm pretty sure I remember going straight past Hammond with his head stuck in some railings.
Richard: That happened!
Jeremy: And you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have done it by boat! And there you go, what Top Gear - which is a trusted, factual, award winning show - has proved is, despite what you saw in that stupid and misleading film the car was the fastest!

November 18th, 2007 [10.6]

[during the opening credits.]
Jeremy: Tonight, James races a man in wellies, Richard crashes some motorhomes, and I close down Manchester Airport.

[on petrol going up to a pound a litre.]
Jeremy: And it's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.
Richard: Well it is, yes. But why?
Jeremy: Because you know how much bull semen is?
James: Do you know? I can't remember off the top of my head.
Jeremy: 24,000 pounds a litre.
Richard: No way!

[still on petrol going up to a pound a litre...]
Jeremy: I filled my car up with petrol a couple of months ago, do you know how much that cost?
Richard: Well no...
James: 90 pounds.
Richard: ... big car, 85 pounds.
Jeremy: No! 35,000 pounds.
James: You filled it up with bull sperm you idiot!

[after explaining why he (Jeremy) paid 35,000 pounds on petrol.]
James: I reckoned you spent it on bull sperm.
Richard: Did you not notice the pump was different?
Jeremy: [laughing, with the audience laughing as well]
Richard: [imitates a bull noise]. It keeps moving! Now it's chasing me! I don't want it anymore.
[audience laughs]
Jeremy: You've got bird flu. Be nice.

[on the Alfa-Romeo 159.]
James: Now, Alfa-Romeo has launched a replacement for its 156, which is called the 159.
Richard: Oh actually James, that was launched two years ago.
James: Yes it was, but we weren't paying attention.

[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

Lawrence: [on the Premier League in football] We call it the Andrex Premiership because it's soft and unnecessarily expensive.

November 25th, 2007 [10.7]

[during the opening credits.]
Jeremy: Tonight, in a well-balanced show, James gets egg on his face, Richard runs himself over, and I powerslide the new Aston Martin DBS.

[on the Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he knows 2 facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong. And that 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is, I'm going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called The Stig.

[pointing to the Aston Martin DB9]
Jeremy: So it's Keira Knightley... [pointing to the Aston Martin DBS] or Keira Knightley, dressed in Puff Diddley's jewellery.

[In an attempt to prove British Leyland made some good cars, James has to drive over a cobbled road with a colander full of eggs over his head]
Jeremy: He looks like a spaniel that's crashed into the back of a hen!

[when his ignition key wouldn't turn]
Jeremy: Which slovenly Midlander built this?

[At the former site of Longbridge when Jeremy opens his car door, the interior of the door stays put]
Jeremy: It's gone back to Longbridge!
Richard: It's on strike!

[Richard's car has just failed the handbrake test]
Richard: Very good test of how fast it goes... backwards... with the handbrake on.

[James on observing why he has more egg stains on the front of his shirt than Richard's shirt after both completing the ride comfort tests]
James: I've got more on the front - Why's that?
Richard (demonstrating the colander with his hands) Because mine was... Because I have to sit further forwards than you 'cause I'm short.
James: That's what it is.

[After Jeremy completed his ride comfort with eggs test, he was wiping the egg from his hair using the driver's seat of Richard's car].
Jeremy: (Narrating) ... Except I was desperately needed to wash my hair.
Richard: Oh get off Jeremy! That's disgus...ting (Jeremy is now standing up).
Jeremy: What I have just done is I've wiped my hair on a seat that's 30 years old and has had some Midlander's bottom on it!

[for the final test, the cars would be filled with water for the presenters to drive around the Top Gear track to test build quality].
Richard: (to the fire brigade on filling up his car with water) You could have used warm water, it's freezing! (Moments later) There's 30-odd years' worth of fag ends and fluff coming up on top!

December 2nd, 2007 [10.8]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Compo takes me for a spin in a car from his youth. Richard tries to drive a fast car without crashing, and Lewis Hamilton faces his toughest challenge yet: The Suzuki Liana.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that when he slows down brake lights come on in his buttocks, and that if he'd been the manager of the England football squad last week, he wouldn't have been a feckless ginger gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Lewis Hamilton: It is a bit cold in here though.
Jeremy: It is cold in here, it's sharp.
Hamilton: I'm surprised - I know you guys make a lot of money, can you afford a heater?
Jeremy: [definitively] No. Because we have all the money.

Jeremy: [singing badly] Weeeeeee're all going daahn the pub! (aping a Sham 69 song)

[On the 2007 Malaysian Grand Prix]
Jeremy: ...and you put one in on Massa, didn't you?
Hamilton: Yeah, Massa and Kimi.
Jeremy: Was Kimi drunk?
Hamilton: I dunno - I should have asked him, actually, because he was really on the left - this was Malaysia and he was really on the left, so I could outbrake him.
Jeremy: [singing in slurred Finnish accent] "I win this race and then I go down pu-ub... Who pass me? Oh, that's that new boy gone past..."

Hamilton: It is actually quite exciting when you're flying headfirst into a barrier - the initial part, the initial part is actually quite fun, especially when you hit the gravel trap and you get some air, and then you see it coming and you think 'erk - it's gonna hurt!'

[During Hamilton's lap]
Hamilton: C'mon man! [looking at the speedo] 56 miles an hour, what the...?

[During Hamilton's lap]
Hamilton: Look at the grip... This thing will put a Formula 1 car to shame!
Jeremy: It won't! It won't, it won't, it won't!

[During Hamilton's lap, Lewis begins to sing]
Jeremy: Are you taking this seriously?

December 9th, 2007 [10.9]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: We take part in our first ever motor race. James tests the new Fiat 500 near some youths on bicycles. And the Ascari A10. Just how fast is this thing?

[on the BMW 330d they bought to convert it into a racing car]
Richard: This is the car we enrolled. It's a BMW 330d, four years old, done 45.000 miles, we paid 11 grand for it. And now, we must turn it into a racing car by [he pauses, then continues uncertainly] ...bolting lots of racing car bits to it.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he once lost a canoe on a beach in the north-east, and that he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury, because his teddy is called The Baby Jesus. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[on the qualifying]
Jeremy: What if I have to get out of somebody's way to let him go by...
Richard: ...I don't know, I don't know...
Jeremy: This is without any question or shadow of doubt the scariest thing I've ever done.
Richard: Yes...
James: I've broken my zip.
Richard [irritated]: That's bad?

[on the qualifying in the night]
Richard: [voiceover] Then it was Jeremy's turn.
Jeremy: Holy cow, I can't see a thing...
Richard: [voiceover] He tried to cure the lack of visibility with speed.
Jeremy: I just took Bridge Corner flat, first time I...oh, I'm off! People behind me must be thinking, "Who is this clown?"

[When Jeremy attempts to talk with The Stig after the car broke down]
Jeremy: Did it fill with smoke? Did it lose power?

[When James May was in the car for the first time]
Jeremy: The Christian motorist is in the hot seat.
Jeremy: [voiceover] A few minutes later, something amazing happened.
James: I've overtaken someone!

[During the night in the race, Jeremy is in the driver's seat]
Jeremy: I'm coming up behind those Italians in the 1 Series! Look at this, it's neck on neck...now he's come across my nose! We saved you from the Germans, and that's what I get?!
Richard: [talking into his radio] Don't wreck the car!

[while The Stig is at the wheel]
Jeremy: ...and even though the missing splitter was ruining the handling, nothing was gonna stop him - nothing!
Richard: Right now, at this very moment, the computers tell us The Stig is having a wee in the car - and I'm next... [grins nervously]

James: [before the Fiat 500 vs. BMX race in Budapest, James talks about his competition, a pair of BMX cyclists] These wasters just ride around all day like those kids in the ET film. So to borrow the phrase from the ancient philosopher Clarksonius, 4th Century BC: "How hard can it be?"

[at the end of the race, back in the hangar]
Richard: Can I just say, that was the hardest thing we've ever done - being nice to each other for 24 hours.
Jeremy: Well, you know when you pulled up in the pits and you said "Good luck, mate", I nearly crashed!
Richard: Ooh, I felt dirty saying it, mate; it was wrong.
Jeremy: Still, we ended up coming third in our class...
James: ...out of five...
Jeremy: ...out of five, yes, and we finished 39th out of 46, [turning to James] partly actually because you drove so slowly!
James: Ooh, now, come on a minute...
Richard: Actually, hang on, you risked us not finishing at all by driving like an idiot in that last stint...
Jeremy: No, but wait, we would have finished 10th, mathematical certainty, if you hadn't hit that Mosler! We would have been 10th!
Richard: You said it wasn't my fault...
Jeremy: I was being nice, I didn't mean it...
James: Hey, this is more like it, isn't it? Normal service is being resumed!

December 23, 2007 [10.10]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: The great, the good and the rubbish on the Top Gear Awards. We go on a motoring holiday with The Stig. And Doctor Who travels through space and time a bit more slowly than usual.
David: [shouting during his speed lap] Speed up!

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.

[on the Stig]
Richard: Now for this race, I shall pilot the little remote control car, because to get the best out of the G-Wiz for this test, it needs to be controlled by our finest driver: someone who has never sat on Santa's knee; someone who's never watched Moonraker on Boxing Day. [Which was indeed shown three days later on Boxing day by the BBC's main rivals ITV]

[on the old Jaguar S-Type]
James: You see, Mr. Jonathan Foreigner has this ridiculously outdated view of what Britain is. He thinks we all live in Anne Hathaway's cottage and then go out to Ye Olde Tea Rooms where we eat some kendal mint cake. And then maybe we'll go out and find a red phone box and ring up some Beefeaters at the Tower of London to see if we can have our bowler hats back. It's rubbish!

[Nominees for the 'Lifetime Achievement Award']
James: Ken Livingston for deciding that if you earn a living and pay tax and spend some of what's left on a car; and then pay Value Added Tax on that, and then buy some Road Fund Licence Tax to put the car on the road, and then pay Fuel Duty Tax on the fuel and Value added tax on that Fuel Duty tax, You should then pay 25 pounds - TAX! - to drive into the centre of the capital.

[David Tennant looking in the wing mirror on his power lap]
Tennant: Why am I looking in the wing mirror? There's no one behind me!

[On David Tennant's inability to find third gear on his lap]
Jeremy: Do you know where third gear was after that? It was all over the track.

[David Tennant has challenged Billie Piper's time on the leaderboard, which was allowed to stand despite her cutting a corner]]
Jeremy: [to Tennant] If you'd worn a see through top you'd have been faster than Simon Cowell.

[whilst watching the M3 do a lap]
Jeremy: M3 drivers have no friends.

[At the end of the episode]
Jeremy: That's it for this programme and indeed this series. We're off now to get very drunk. Goodnight!

Series 11

June 22nd, 2008 [11.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight: Can an Austin Allegro fly? Can we solve the fuel crisis? And making a better police car: How hard can it be?

James: We had a letter from the BBC, and they said what with petrol being £5.50 and all the rest of it, what we should actually be doing is giving some advice on... fuel economy and... saving money!
Richard: Yeah. Unfortunately, that letter was opened, by him. [points at Clarkson]
Jeremy: Yes. And I decided the best thing we could do was gather five supercars together and have a race!

[on the sound of the McLaren's engine]
Jeremy: That is the sound of money exploding!

[on the Audi R8]
Jeremy: So, a Top Gear Top Tip: if you've been affected by the fuel crisis, this is the supercar to buy!

Richard: Yes, but the thing is the BBC saw that film and they said we'd been stupid. And they said we had to do something for...the normal person. And, well, [points at Clarkson] it was 'im again...

[During the news]
Jeremy: Listen, while we were off the air, okay, I had a look on the Internet and this was on it.
Richard: Whoa! Bird's view!
[crowd laughs]

James: Hey, great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero is almost here.
Jeremy: When?
James: Next year!
Jeremy: Great! [quickly] Now the Toyota Urban Cruiser...

[On the Toyota Urban Cruiser]
Jeremy: That's the stupidest name I've ever heard of. Forgive me if I'm wrong, because isn't an Urban Cruiser someone who wears a mac and isn't allowed within 200 yards of a primary school?

[On the Ferrari F430 Scuderia]
Jeremy: I'm doing this road test all wrong, cause I'm mocking all this technology. And that's not really fair. It's not like Ferrari aftershave...this is what a Ferrari should be like. [Thick Italian accent] "You make mistake, I kill."

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that after making love, he bites the head off his partner. And that he's had to give up binge drinking now that it's gone to one pound eighteen to a litre. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[During Top Gear Stuntman's first record attempt to jump cars in reverse]
James: If you've just tuned in, you may be thinking, 'Oh no, he's facing the wrong way!'. But no, he is about to enter the history books...in reverse.

Richard: [voiceover] It really was time for a challenge.
Richard: We don't yet know what we've gotta do.
Jeremy: Well if it's go to Brighton and pose undercover in gay clubs you're right there already.
[James and Jeremy laugh]
Richard: ...yeah.
Jeremy: We've got a challenge here, boys.
Richard: Please don't let it have the word "Brighton" in it...

[Showing the slogan painted on his Lexus Police Car]
James: Catching crims and locking them up...in your community.

[During the Police Car challenge, on sirens]
Jeremy: [voiceover] James then demonstrated his siren... [James' Lexus plays ice cream van jingle]...which he got from an ice-cream van.
Jeremy: They're gonna be really impressed with that on an American police video.
James: No, they stop for an ice-cream. And then they're nicked.
Jeremy: May I? [voiceover] Mine was much more high-tech. [Shows Clarkson pressing button on child's sound toy, the car moos] Oh, wait, no, that's the cow.

[During the Police Car challenge, about Hammond's 'stinger']
Jeremy: [voiceover] It was unmistakably a doormat with some nails in it.

Richard: So we're now watching James, in a hot pursuit situation?
Jeremy: Yeah. How long have you got before you have to go home tonight?

[During the 'Arrest the Stig' part of the Police Car challenge, after May's paint attempt]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Sadly there was one invention James hadn't considered.
[shows the Stig using his windscreen wipers to clear the paint off]

Jeremy: I'm gonna try something the Americans call pitting. If I put my car along his rear wheel and push his back end out, he counter-steers, I then brake... and of course, it shoots the other way.
[The Stig pulls smoothly away from Jeremy]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Unfortunately, none of what I just said happened.

[On Jeremy's attempt to disable Stig's car]
Richard: I presume at some point there's gonna be a simply hideous accident.
James: Yep.

[Upon Jeremy's car losing a wheel in said attempt]
Richard: I think it could be time to admit failure.
James:[To Jeremy] You failed to aprehend the miscreant.
Jeremy: We are rubbish at this aren't we.

James: Hope you like prison food, crims...looking good...cock!

Alan Carr: Looks slow, is faster. I'll put that on my gravestone.

June 29th, 2008 [11.2]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Audi's Dynamic Ride Control tested to the limits in the Alps; variable torque-slip transmissions given a workout on our track; and Merc's hundred and ninety mile an hour Black on the edge in Wales.

[on the Subaru Impreza WRX STi]
Jeremy: ...the only reason they can sell it for twenty-five thousand pounds is because it has fewer luxuries than, I don't know, an Egyptian's lavatory.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples, and that he thinks that "credit-crunch" is some kind of a breakfast cereal. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Jeremy: The Stig has got into Elton John [realizing what he said]... not literally of course!

[During the news]
Jeremy: Look, [pauses] I went on the Internet this week and I found this.
[Crowd laughs]

James: Aw, bad news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero, it's delayed.
Jeremy: Oh no! [quickly] Anyway, last week...

[on the Audi RS6]
Richard: I've got three options for the ride settings: sport, dynamic, or [comfort is shown on-screen] ... "James May".

[To the skiiers before the race]
Richard: [speaking French] Hit the ham!

[reading a letter of warning on the Mercedes Benz CLK63 AMG Black]
Jeremy: The traction control must stay on. Sounds dangerous. [he smiles broadly]

[on driving for fun]
Jeremy: Motorcyclists do it all the time, so why don't human beings?

[on the Mercedes Benz CLK63 AMG Black]
Jeremy: If it had a tongue, it would go around licking windows.

July 6th, 2008 [11.3]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, how much passion can you get for a thousand pounds?; how much soul can you get for a thousand pounds?; and how much pain can you get for a thousand pounds?

[During the news]
Jeremy: You can't buy that because it's a SEAT.
Richard: Well...
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: It's Spanish.
James: What's wrong with that?
Jeremy: I'm bored with Spain at the moment. Fernando Alonso, he's the most successful driver there... well, he just is. Okay? Then you've got Nadal in Tennis, they've won the UEFA Championships, they've nicked our airports, they've nicked all our fish, they've nicked all our building societies, they eat the heads off prawns, they throw donkeys off tower blocks and they stab cows.
[laughter]
Richard: So that's the Spanish?
Jeremy: That is the Spanish.
Jeremy: [to the audience] Anybody from Spain here?
Richard: Sorry.
[a faint response is heard]
Jeremy: Give me my fish back!

[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Da- [Everyone starts to laugh]
James: They know what it is. [Laughing continues, until James regains composure]
James: The Dacia Sandero has gone on sale in left-hand-drive market.
Jeremy: Nice. [quickly] Now, just one more thing...

[during the news, regarding the lack of female racing drivers]
Jeremy: The thing is, I know why women don't do it. It's 'cause as soon as a woman puts on a pair of racing overalls, they are immediately treated like a sex object.
Richard: Have you been on the Internet again?
Jeremy: Yes I have! [Crowd laughs] And I found this.
Richard: Oh God! [Crowd continues laughing]
[later in the same segment, discussing a recent survey on the ten sexiest female racing drivers]
Jeremy: Who do you think came tenth?
[scrolls down to reveal picture of James]

Jeremy: [On James' 2.0 litre GTV] Why didn't you get the V6?
James: It's not as good.
Jeremy: What?!
James: No, it's nose-heavy. The handling is compromised.
Jeremy: Of course, this is front-wheel drive, isn't it?
James: Yes.
Jeremy: And front-wheel drive is for the feeble.

[speculating on Richard's and James' reaction to Jeremy's upturned Alfa Romeo 75]
Jeremy: Do you think they're a) going to be sympathetic or b) be a couple of-
Richard: [shouting] Nice work!
Jeremy: No, they're going to be "a couple of."

[During their trip to the Concourse, while checking on Jeremy's Alfa Romeo 75]
Jeremy: I have been rescued (pertaining to the two women with him) and I haven't even broken down.
Richard: Well then you don't-
[James suddenly appears from the side]
James: Hello.

Jeremy: [voiceover] So the car that was dead had to be towed by the car that was dying.
Jeremy: Oh listen to that now.
Richard: That's a weird noise for a car to make... that's better, what have you done?
Jeremy: Gone into second.
Richard: Second's nice, it's underrated as a gear.

[On disguising the fact that Richard's car had broken down]
Jeremy: [voiceover] James agreed to tow Richard, and my car, would hide the rope.

July 13th, 2008 [11.4]

[Jeremy Clarkson did not speak during the opening sequence of this episode.]

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face. All we know is, he's called The Stig!

[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero; I got a new picture. [shows a picture of the Dacia Sandero]
Jeremy: Oooh... [quickly] Anyway,...

Jeremy: [Regarding Hammond and May in Japan] Those two have got so many different connections to make, so many different modes of transport to go on. The chances of them making it without making a single mistake are nil, and if they do make a mistake, that's it.
[Cut to James and Richard]
James: See these manhole covers?
Richard: NO!
James: They're fantastic.
[Cut back to Jeremy]
Jeremy: A boy from Birmingham, and a man with no sense of direction, in Japan, won't win. The end.

[on adjusting the GT-R's Sattelite Navigation system]
Jeremy: I want to adjust the scale on my satnav, but it's all in Japanese. Won't dare touch it in case it all just goes off, and then I'd be DOOMED!

Jeremy: See, the thing is about all Japanese cars --
[satnav speaks a stream of Japanese]
Jeremy: [panicked] HELP!

[on his provided Japanese snacks]
Jeremy: That is just a fish... lightly killed and then put in a bag. The marvellous thing is that Richard Hammond won't be able to enjoy any of this, because he won't eat anything unless it's come from a burger van on the A38. [Imitating Richard while chewing of a piece of fish] "I don't like cheese! It's full of bacteria and I don't like fish."
[cut to a shot of Richard and James in a small shop, looking in the cooler.]
Richard: Mate, it's all fish.
James: Yeah, it's good for you.
Richard: Don't like fish.
James: Well, you've come to the wrong country.

Jeremy: I have seen X-Factor winners less cheerful than all petrol pump attendants are in Japan.

Jeremy: [to the petrol pump attendant] Look at this.
[Jeremy puts on his Bill Oddie face-mask]
Jeremy: Brrrrr! How frightening's that? He can spot your beaver from about a mile away.

Jeremy: Speed camera coming up! [puts the Bill Oddie face-mask on and races past the camera, on the pretence that Oddie will get the speeding ticket and not him]

[while on a cable car to Nokogiri-yama]
Richard: So at the top here there is a Buddha...to road safety. Wouldn't it be brilliant if we got there and Jeremy's GT-R was buried in the middle of it?
[both begin to imitate Jeremy]
James: Watch this, I'm here.
Richard: Oh dear!
James: Bang!

[After learning that Richard and James lost]
Jeremy: Honestly, 3 minutes and 12 seconds; that was so close.
Richard: [faces Buddha] Thanks Buddha, but however...[breathes hard]...disappointed...
James: Wait for it...
[Translator device then speaks]
Richard: Which is...
James: Japanese for...
James and Jeremy: Oh cock!

July 20th, 2008 [11.5]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, we completely save the countryside; James and I completely ruin London; and there be dragons in our reasonably-priced car.

[On the GT-R]
Jeremy: [voiceover] They [Nissan] haven't built a new car here... They've built a new yardstick.

[After Clarkson's Review of the GT-R]
Richard: You hopeless, old fart; a Datsun broke your neck.
Jeremy: It was already weakened, from endlessly craning down to listen to you.
James: Say, amazing rescue service they got there, isn't it? I was really pleased that someone have brought a lawn mower... [Crowd Laughs] and a bin lorry.
Jeremy: No, the dust bin lorry did put the fear of God in to me... Much like I did with them actually; when they took my sunglasses off, "Ooh, look at his eyes, disgusting!"

[on The Stig.]
Jeremy: Some say that he is not allowed, by law, within 100 yards of Lorraine Kelly, and that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear, because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders! All we know is, he's called Bergerac!

[During The Stig's Lap of the GT-R]
Jeremy: [voiceover] ...And he's still all over Elton John; let's hope he showers afterwards.

[On the news]
Jeremy: ... it will be the case of 'I went on the M40 this week and found this!'

[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Oh, good news!
Jeremy: What?
James: The Dacia Sandero will have electronic brakeforce distribution.
Jeremy: Great [quickly] Now...

[on the equipment of their classic luxury cars]
Jeremy (standing in front of the Mercedes' boot): Are you ready for this?
James (bored): Yes...
Jeremy (pushes a button and the bootlid closes, makes triumphant gesture)
James: That's brilliant actually, I have to concede that, because what I've always found really difficult is this (opens and closes the bootlid of his Rolls-Royce easily).

[Describing James' Rolls-Royce Corniche]
Jeremy: All it is, is a Ford Zephyr with a chrome nose.

[Commenting on James' Rolls-Royce Corniche's top speed run]
Jeremy: Children come out of the womb faster than that!

[on the last service bills of their classic luxury cars]
James: What was yours?
Jeremy (hands his bill over to James): read it and weep, that's the last service bill.
James (meets him with disbelief): Ehhh!? Fifte-.. (bursts out laughing) I misread that at first - 15 thousand...
Jeremy: Yeah, and...
James: 15,950 Pounds and 59 pence
Jeremy: Yes, 15,900 Pounds for a service.
James: Was that...
Jeremy: There was quite a lot needed doing, if I'm honest...
James: What did he do? Buy you a Golf? (bursts out laughing)

[On the fate of Jeremy based on the former owners of his Mercedes Grosser 600]
James: It is an impressive list, but, if your theory is correct, that means you're either going to murder millions of people, or, you're going to die on the bog trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo chute.
Jeremy: So really, it comes down to a simple choice: camp...
James: ...or Camp Commandant. (audience laughs)

[during the Car Hunting Challenge while some people are standing on the side]
Clarkson: Hello people, would you like me to murder you? I'm an offroad enthusiast.

[After Clarkson was caught by the hunt and cues back to the studio]
Richard: Sadly, in the course of making that film, Jeremy Clarkson was eaten by dogs.

July 27th, 2008 [11.6]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: Tonight, Richard spins off the track... twice; Jay Kay tries to get to number one; and Germany or Britain: which is best?

[on The Stig.]
Richard: Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks, and he can open a beer bottle with his testes! All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Jeremy: Are there any Mothers in the audience?
[A response is heard.]
Jeremy: Well, Fiat's decided you need patronising.

[While test driving the Mitsuoka Orochi]
James: [voiceover] It costs forty-four thousand pounds and it's made by a company called Mitsuoka.
James: You've probably never heard of them either, but they are a proper, Japanese car maker. In fact, they're the tenth biggest car maker in the country, after Toyota, Nissan, Honda and six others.

[on the Dacia Sandero]
James: Hey, great news!
Jeremy: What?
James: I've been sent more information on the Dacia Sandero.
Jeremy: Excellent, excellent. [quickly] Hey, now...

[On where to stage a race between Britain and Germany]
Jeremy: I suggested the skies over southern England.
James: Instead we went to Belgium. A country created for Britain and Germany to sort out their differences!

James: It's a gravel trap designed to stop Formula One cars. How on earth do you think it's not going to stop a Jaguar with a Metro on the roof?

James: [voiceover] With us out all we could hope was that Jeremy and Kiff the soundman would race on, cleanly and fairly.
Jeremy: Ram him! RAM!

Jeremy: James and Richard think it's all over... and they're right!

James: Who makes the fastest cars: the Axis powers or the Allies?
Richard: You came up with this one didn't you?
James: Yes!

[Moments before James commences a drag race in a G-Whiz]
James: Cock. Just remembered the Australians. They do that VXR thing...

[During the Axis vs Allies drag race]
Jeremy: I'm hoping that because the Lamborghini's Italian, it'll change sides halfway through the race.

[During the Top Gear v. Germans challenge: hatch-back test]
Jeremy: Awful lot of bullets hitting me here.
Jeremy: [voiceover] And no wonder...
Richard: James, what are you doing!?
James: Shooting at Jeremy.
Richard: But he's on our side!
James: Yeah, but why wouldn't you?
Richard: You're right, you would. Fire!

[James is watching Where Eagles Dare during the Bowler Nemesis test]
James: [German accent] Sit down, Kommandant.
Jeremy: You're not interested in these, are you?
James: D'you know what? Your mind cannot comprehend of how uninterested I am in things like this.

[Richard crashes his Bowler Nemesis]
Jeremy: [over radio] Hammond, if you don't get that thing started, [German accent] for uz, zee competition iz over!

Richard: Oh this, I'm gonna get grief for this now. This is not good.
James: [German accent] Cooler, eight weeks.

Jeremy: It's a two lap race of the Zolder circuit and it's between a Porsche 911 - the racing Porsche 911 - which will be driven by professional racing driver Tim Schrick. And he will be against an Aston Martin DBRS9, which will be driven by James May.
Richard: [quietly] Do we have to use James?
Jeremy: Well, no, you did the Bowler thing, I did the Mini thing, it's his turn.
Richard: But he's gonna lose... badly.

[Upon seeing the Stig was leading at the final corner]
Richard: Stiiiiig! [realizing] Jaaames!

[Mocking the speculation on the Stig, after passing him off as James May]
Richard: Some say you saved our bacon.
James: Others say I was bound and gagged in the locker room.

Jeremy: If you are a German and you have any complains of the film you just seen do please feel free to write to us. Our address is: 1966 El Alamein Square, 1939-1945 Jutland Street, London W.E.1.

Series 12

November 2nd, 2008 [12.1]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. The brighter, whiter way to ruin your underpants. How much lorrying can you get for five thousand pounds? And Michael Parkinson has a go in t' reasonably priced car.

[At the beginning of Jeremy's GT2 review]
Jeremy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
[Stops the GT2 and gets out]
Jeremy: [voiceover] And that concludes my road test of the GT2. It's terrifying.

Richard: How could you not like the GT2, you great fat balding useless hopeless bandy-legged bubble-haired pointless talentless gutless cowardly witless lump of suede-shoe-wearing daft-jean-wearing idiocy?
Jeremy: [pause] I knew you were gonna say that...
Richard: What, all of it?

[starting the news]
James: Right, the news. And of course we've been off the air for a while...
Richard: [walking on] God, he is such a child.
James: Yeah, where is he anyway?
Richard: I don't know; in the audience somewhere flicking people's ears and blaming the people next...
Jeremy: [from in the crowd] Excuse me... excuse me...
[Jeremy appears wearing a silk shirt]
[Audience applauds but Jeremy feigns ignorance]
Richard: You ah, you wearing that for a bet?
Jeremy: Yeah. Aaah, anyway...

[During the news, mocking last series' news joke.]
Jeremy: James, bad news. The Dacia Sandero...
James: The what?
Jeremy: The Dacia Sandero is not coming to the UK!
James: Oh. Now...

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[commentating on The Stig's Power Lap in the Lamborghini]
Jeremy: He appears to have started to listening to Morse code. Very strange, or maybe it's him making that noise.
The Stig: [in Morse code] Strictly Come Dancing is crap.
The Stig: [in Morse code] I love cheese.

[During the truck challenge, showing their 'knowledge' of their trucks]
James: So what have you got?
Jeremy: A lorry!
James: But what kind?
Jeremy: ... A big one!

[Also during the truck challenge]
Jeremy: What is it?
Richard: It's an, well it's an... Erf!

[During the truck challenge, about decorating his lorry]
Jeremy: I'm gonna need a hell of a lot of paint...

[on The Stig's "Lorry-driving cousin"]
Jeremy: Some say his favourite ever song is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward, and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material. All we know is, he's not The Stig, but he is The Stig's lorry-driving cousin!

[After injuring himself falling off of the seat of his lorry during the Powerslide challenge]
Jeremy: [to the paramedic] Yeah, the gear lever's gone up my arse.
Paramedic: Right, okay.
James: [voiceover] After the gear lever had been removed from Jeremy's bottom...

[During the lorry race]
James: Does understeer, this lorry.

Jeremy: I absolutely hope that James May wakes up in the morning and ten thousand insects are in his underpants!

[After Jeremy pulls up to May and Hammond with his lorry trailer on fire]
Richard: How can we be this rubbish?

[During the lorrying speed test]
Jeremy: Eat my Magnum!... Yeah!

Jeremy: Change gear, change gear, mirrors, murder a prostitute, change gear, change gear, change gear, murder. That's a lot of effort in one day.

Jeremy: (Reading challenge card) It says that this is a test of speed, breaking and toughness all in one. You must accelerate to 56 miles an hour, drive through an obstacle and stop as quickly as possible. It says whoever does that in the shortest distance wins a year's supply of pies.
Richard: What do they mean by "obstacles"?
Jeremy: Doesn't say.
(pause)
James: What sort of pies?

November 9th, 2008 [12.2]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: On tonight's holiday programme we go to San Francisco in California. We have a night out in Reno, Nevada. And we end up on the salt flats of Bonneville.

[During Abarth review.]
Jeremy: (VO) ... And if you drive it with the bonnet up it won't work at all.
[Shows Jeremy driving it with the Abarth's bonnet up]
Jeremy: I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING!

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

[describing The Stig's lap in the Abarth]
Jeremy: Stig still listening to Morse code, better than static I suppose .... maybe he's signalling to his home planet.
The Stig: [in Morse code] I voted Ross Perot.
The Stig: [in Morse code] Me smell cats.

[during the news, May is wearing a leather jacket]
Jeremy: [point at May] Are you wearing that for a bet?
Richard: Yeah, he is.
James: Yeah.
Jeremy: He is, ah okay.

[during the news]
James: And there's more fast small car news from Renault with this, which is the Mégane R26.R. And I think that looks really great as well.
Richard: Yeah, yeah, I saw that and thought o' you straight away mate. No, I thought what that James May is gonna want is a hatchback with red wheels, six point harnesses, a carbon-fibre bonnet, plastic windows. That's [trails off].
Jeremy: It is. And James; it's French, who you like to think of as "lamb-burning communists". It's perfect for you in every way!
Richard: How did you arrive at wanting that?
James: Because I like it.
Jeremy: Look, James, let me put it to you this way: you would have to have literally no penis at all to buy a car like that.
James: [looks down at crotch] How do you work that out?
Jeremy: Well 'cause we're always being told that the... flashness of your car is inversely proportionate to the size — is this right? Am I talking sense here girls? — So the larger the man's car, the flasher it is, the vegetable... thing goes on?
James: Is that right? And you're saying that to a man with a 1.2 litre Fiat Panda? [audience laughs] Mister swollen-wheel-arches Mercedes CLK Black.
Richard: He does have a point there. He does...
Jeremy: You've got a Ford Mustang!
Richard: Let's move on!

[during the news]
Jeremy: Next year, this is the good thing about Formula One — it's coming home, as we like to think about it — TO THE BBC!
[audience cheers]
Jeremy: No adverts! The only problem we got is that there are some people speculating that the, the person who's going to get the commentary job — who's going to be the modern-day Murrary Walker — is Richard Hammond.
Richard: I've seen that in the papers. It came as a surprise!
Jeremy: A man who has... he's never watched a Formula One race in his life.
Richard: Err... no, actually!
Jeremy: You weren't even watching last weekend!
Richard: No, I was driving home.
Jeremy: Did you look around and think god the traffic's quiet tonight?
Richard: I did get a clear run, I must admit!
Jeremy: If he got the job, it really would be And they're off! And look at that idiot in the Mercedes SL! He's holding them up! No Richard, that's the parade lap.
Richard: [playing along] Wow, there's a red one in the lead, he's pulled in, what? For petrol? Well why didn't he just fill up before he left? I freely admit I wouldn't be very good at that.
Jeremy: He would be the worst person in the world for that job.
James: [looking sheepish] Well... not absolutely...

[Introducing the main segment]
James: What we have down here is a selection of American muscle cars. Now the recipe for this for this sort of thing was always very simple: massive engine; crude, simple suspension; very low price; and finally, [gesturing to a Dodge Challenger] some orange paint. Now, this sort of thing never really caught on in the civilised world and we thought that what with petrol prices being so high now, they'd have died out in America as well.
Richard: However, in the last few months three brand-new American muscle cars have arrived. So we thought we best pop over to the states and find out if they're any good.
Jeremy: Unfortunately, there was a problem. You see, we all have visas which allow us to go to America and make a factual documentary. But, since our last trip over there when I might have accidentally put a cow on the roof of my car, the American — the U.S. state department no less — has decided Top Gear is actually now an entertainment show.
James: And unfortunately that requires a different type of visa and we didn't have time to go and get one. So, in the end we were only allowed in to the country if we promised — this isn't a lie is it?
Jeremy: No, this is absolutely, hand on heart...
Richard: This is for real.
James: — if we promised not to be entertaining.

Jeremy: Now listen you two: no irony, no hyperbole, no sarcasm and don't put a cow on your roof!
Richard: Can I crash into James every time we stop?
Jeremy: No.
Richard: Just a tiny-
Jeremy: No!
[they set off]
Jeremy: If Hammond drives into May's car, Bruce Willis will come in a State Department gunship and we shall all be killed!

Richard: We rejoin the action, at Reno, which is, factually speaking, a toilet.

November 16th, 2008 [12.3]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. James goes racing in Finland. Richard tries out the future of motoring in Japan. And I cut up some wood near Godalming.

[During the news]
Jeremy: Great news! They've done an off-road version of the Dacia Sandero! [photo appears on TV screen] Don't be fooled by the Renault badge; that's the Dacia, that baby!
James: What the hell are you on about?
Jeremy: It's Dacia!...
[audience member says something]
Jeremy: [to audience member] It's a Dacia! I know it says Renault, I just said that! Have you got a beard in your ears as well? Or is...
[audience member replies]
Jeremy: Why do ginger people always grow more of it on their faces? That's what I want to know.

[during the news]
Jeremy: That jacket... how big was the bet?
Richard: Pretty big.

[James is taking part in a folk race in Finland]
James: Have a Scandinavian flick, Finnish person!

[On discussing the V8 Beef and Brick smoothie Jeremy just put together with a 6.2litre V8 powered food blender]
Jeremy: It needs a name.
Richard: We should give it a name. We should call it... Desperate Shag in a Skip.
[James drinks some of the smoothie, and immediately looks disgusted]
Jeremy: I think he likes it!
James: I've got the name for it.
Jeremy: What?
James: The Bloody Awful!
Jeremy: [to Richard] Have you tried some?
Richard: Yeah.
Jeremy: You haven't! Show me putting it in your mouth. [Richard drinks some, and also reacts with disgust] That will put testes on your chest, that will.
Richard: [shouting] It's put hairs on my eyeballs!

[The three are driving a Renault Avantime around the track]
Jeremy: So, this is six years old and everything works — which is odd because most Renaults...
Richard: ...six minutes!

Jeremy: Why don't we just put nitrous on it?
Richard: Do you remember what happened to the first Stig?
Jeremy: Fell off an aircraft carrier.
Richard: Because?
Jeremy: [glances at The Stig] ...yeah, we used nitrous...

[A plywood splitter they fitted to the Avantime is on fire]
Jeremy: Hey, wait a minute. This is something I've wanted to do — I've worked in television for twenty years now, never had the chance yet —
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: Hey that's my line! That's what I wanted to say! May! May, you [bleep]-head! [chases after James]
[Richard uses a fire extinguisher on the burning splitter]
Richard: Yup. What I thought I'd do is put the fire out, and then say...
Jeremy: [behind Richard] Back to the studio!

[The Stig is driving their modified Avantime around the track]
Jeremy: Look at that! It looks like a touring car! A French, plastic touring car, but a touring car none the less!

November 23rd, 2008 [12.4]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. We have a race to Blackpool. The new Lamborghini comes to our studio. And at last, the Bugatti Veyron is on our track.

[Starting up the show]
Jeremy: Now, every week either Richard or I drive a preposterously fast car around our track. But when it came to making this week's film, there was a problem; neither one of us was available. I had hurt my neck in the lorry crash, and Richard was busy selling fish at Morrison's.
[Crowd laughs in response...]
Jeremy: Which meant that for the first time ever, Captain Slow went out there... God help us...
[Crowd laughs]

[Describing the Zonda F Roadster]
James: That is the Zonda F Roadster. [voiceover] And in the already insane world of Pagani, this one has its own special padded cell.

[During the track test of the Zonda F Roadster]
James: The acceleration is so brutal! I think my eyes have moved around the side of my head like a pigeon.

[After a few spin offs]
James: [voiceover] With a little practise, I got the hang of it.
[Cut to The Stig wearing James' jumper driving the Zonda]

James: [voiceover] I think I know what to do at this point...
[mimicking Jeremy's catchphrase]
James: POWEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

[After testing the Zonda F Roadster]
James: Now the office say they have another car to try on the track but I shouldn't worry because it's only a VW. [Looks in the distance] Funny.
[Cuts to the Veyron]

[Standing in front of the Bugatti and Zonda]
James: Now, I believe the done thing at this point is to have a drag race. So if nobody objects, we'll have one... [pauses] with these two. I will be in the Zonda, and the Veyron will be driven by the Stig...who wasn't here earlier.

[After Jeremy has shown him clips of his practise in the Zonda]
James: I know what the problem is: It's my hair. [Jeremy scoffs] No, really. When you get up to speed my hair flaps about and gets in the way. When I put that white helmet on, it was much better!

[during the news]
Richard: Jeremy?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: The slippers?
Jeremy: Yeah?
Richard: Are they a bet?
Jeremy: Oh course they're a bet.

[During Pagani Zonda Lap.]
Jeremy: This car can be vicious, but in an amusing way, like a shark in a funny hat.

[during the news]
James: Oh! Big news!
Jeremy: Is it the Dacia Sandero?
James: [confused] ...No, erm...

[Discussing the Vauxhall Insignia's hard seats]
Richard: Actually, you can't criticise those, because a German panel of seat experts...
Jeremy: [interrupts] A what?
Richard: There's a German panel of seat experts.
Jeremy: And I've invited them all to your house for Christmas.
Richard: Oh God! Where would you put them, have a sea.. no stand up.

[Harry Enfield in his "Clarkson Island" comedy sketch]
Enfield (As Clarkson, mimicing Jeremy's habit of pausing.): Hello, I'm, on an Island, and not just, any Island, Because this Island, is Clarkson island, and Unlike any other island, Clarkson island, has the greatest number of Clarksons, In the world!
Paul Whitehouse (As Jeremy): In Fact Clarkson island, standing, 248 Clarksons, per square mile.
[later in the sketch, "Clarkson" visites a farmer who farms Clarksons]'
Farmer: Come on now Clarksy [Shaves the head of a "Clarkson"] we actually clip them towards the year, otherwise their wooly hair gats clogged up and all the shit comes out of their mouths, see.
[Clarkson, back in the studio]: My Son watches that every hour, every time he sees it he goes "Dad, you're on television again, well it's not really you it's some blokes with shit coming out of their mouths!

[James' first time introducing The Stig]
James: Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...
Jeremy: Oh, give it a rest!
Richard: You really weren't fooling anyone.

November 30th, 2008 [12.5]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. The Stig climbs into a bucket of hot wallpaper paste. Richard sorts out public transport. And James gets beaten up by a boat.

[About The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him. All we know is he's called The Stig!

[During the Power Lap of the Lexus IS-F]
The Stig: [in Morse code] Too many gears.
The Stig: [in Morse code] I like Mr Sulu.

[During the news]
Jeremy: [pointing to Richard's waistcoat] You wearing that for a bet?
Richard: No.
Jeremy: No?
Richard: No.

[Discussing the new Infiniti G convertible and its similarities to the Lexus SC 430]
Richard: [about the Lexus] I mean that is undoubtedly the most vile and hideous cars ever made. Why make it look like that?
James: It is vile, but it's completely academic because you never see one of those in the real world.
Jeremy: Oh you do! You do! Go to Chesire, they're everywhere. And they're always being driven by those women that have got faces actually made from leather.
Richard: But whenever I see them — those women driving those cars — I really do want to stop them and just ask, I want to beg why? Tell me why did you buy that because it's an expensive car.
Jeremy: It's like getting every travel brochure, choosing your summer holidays next summer — a hundred and eighty countries you could go to and saying Yes, Germany. Not Mauritius — not Mauritius, Dortmund is where I want to go.

[During the Cool Wall segment, Jeremy tries to guess what car people drive from the shoes they wear]
[Camera pans over to a pair of orange leather shoes]
Jeremy: OH MY GOD, WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT - oh, hello James.
[A little later]
Jeremy: This year a motoring icon is celebrating its fortieth birthday.
James: Richard Hammond?
Jeremy: No, he's thirty eight. Same as he was last year, and the year before. Mind you, it's his birthday next week, isn't it?
James: Oh it is actually, then he'll be thirty eight.
Richard: Yes, alright - funny, funny.
Jeremy: Thirty eight year old Richard Hammond!
Richard: I am! Thank you, very much.

December 7th, 2008 [12.6]

[During the opening sequence]
Richard: Tonight. Boris Johnson is the mayor in our Reasonably Priced Car. Jeremy attempts an old fashioned sensible road test of the new Ford Fiesta. And has communism ever produced a good car?

[about The Stig]
Richard: Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing. All we know is he's called The Stig!

[At the start of the news]
James: And now the news. And it's great news, ladies and gentlemen! It's news to warm the hearts of nations: Jeremy Clarkson has lost his voice! [Audience cheers and applauds]
Richard: Mate, sorry. I know, imagine how we feel. They're gutted mate, they're gutted. But the good news is that means we can talk about whatever we like and say what we like.
[Jeremy pulls a sad face]
Richard: Yeah, yeah, whatever...

Jeremy: [Croakily] Can I just say...
Richard: Ooh, it speaks! Or sort of squeaks.
[Jeremy tries to speak but has trouble]
Richard: Ooh, that's just a noise. Are you deflating?
[Jeremy pulls out a bottle and sprays it in his mouth]
Richard: What's that? [Reading from the bottle] Synthetic saliva?
Jeremy: It means I just have a few minutes of speaking.
Richard: Oh, so you like - you need more saliva? Well ladies and gentlemen I have no doubt we can oblige with that! How do you know it's synthetic and it isn't just some bloke... [Imitates spitting into a bottle] Bottle it!
Jeremy: You can shut up for a kick off as well.
James: What?
Richard: What noise is that you're making?
Jeremy: [Pointing to May] Have you seen his eye? He's got the biggest eye infection I've ever seen. At least I don't look like a mutant.
Richard: Has it come to this?! I'm working with these two. This isn't a television program anymore; it's a colony!
Jeremy: I tell you what, instead of hurling abuse at each other, why [coughs] — excuse me — why don't we do the news?

[later in the news]
James: Do you remember Chevrolet in the early Corvettes, they had a little dial that showed you how many revs the engine had done. From new.
Jeremy: Revs?
James: Revs, yeah.
Jeremy: What, going around at five thousand RPM, be going rrrrr...! It would have to be this... [holds out arms] be wider than the car just to get the dial in!
James: Well, I worked it out for my old Porsche, actually.
Jeremy: You what?
James: My old Porsche's twenty five years old — I worked out it had done 8.4 times ten to the eight (8.4x10^8 = 840 million) revs since...
Richard: You worked that out? For — your — car? You spent time — WOW! So you must actually have done everything there is to do in the whole world to get to the bottom of the list of everything a human being can do — what's it like on the top of Everest? Is it good?
James: It's alright.
Jeremy: Richard — I went to a dinner party the other day and I sat next to a girl who said she couldn't believe that James May was still single.
Richard: There's your answer!

Jeremy: [driving a Lada Riva] Let me give you an example of its terribleness. The rear brakes were made of aluminum and they [the Russians] must have thought "Aha! You see, that's very advanced! The west hasn't thought of this!" There's a very good reason for that though. Aluminum has the same braking properties really as... cheese.

Jeremy: [after forcing James to drive off a cliff] Good-bye, Mr. May!

Jeremy: Oh dear. I seem to have accidentally killed James May there.
[beat]
Jeremy: Anyway...

Jeremy: In Russia, you had to work hard in the car factories, or you'd suddenly discover how difficult it is to mine Siberian salt... while wearing a hat made from your wife's head.

Jeremy: [driving a Lada Niva] You know, I once drove one of these down a very heavily rutted track at fifty miles an hour and I was able to use the cigarette lighter — 'cause it was so smooth — to light a cigarette. It was that smooth. I'd actually quite like to demonstrate that for you now but unfortunately, we don't live in a free country!

[driving the Niva]
James: Does this mean we've actually found a Communist car we like?
[the Niva's engine cuts out and Jeremy is unable to re-start it]
Jeremy: No!

[Introducing Jeremy's road test of the Ford Fiesta]
Richard: Now - every week on Top Gear we get a stack of letters. But this week one in particular caught our eye. It's from a Mister Needham and it says "Why do you not test cars properly anymore? Have you forgotten how?".
James: Now this really hurt us, so we decided to take the new Ford Fiesta and do a proper road test. Like they used to on Top Gear in the old days.
Richard: Yeah, to be honest we were quite looking forward to it. But then at the very last minute, Jeremy came in and said he wanted to do it.

[referring to a diesel version of the Fiesta]
Jeremy: I wouldn't bother with that particular model though because it'll almost certainly be shi-

Jeremy: [deadpan] Certainly will easily do 70 mph which is what I'm doing now, and that's the maximum speed you can go in Britain, so that's good... is this thorough enough for you, Mr. Needham?

[discussing the entry-level model]
Jeremy: Do you want that one, though? Really? Honestly? A basic model? Because I bet that's also shi-

FAQ about Fiesta: What if I go to a shopping centre and get chased by baddies in a Corvette?
[There follows a sequence of Clarkson in the Fiesta being chased through the interior of a shopping mall and its parking structure by a Corvette]

[Q: Can I afford it?]
Jeremy: Prices start at around £8500, but you need £11000 to get a decent, mid-range model, so if you have £11000 to spend on a car, then yes you can. But if you've only got 40p, then... no... y-you can't.

[Q: Is it green?]
Jeremy: Yes. Very.
[We see the Fiesta in the background. It is, indeed, painted green.]

FAQ about Fiesta: What if I am asked to take part in a beach assault with the Royal Marines?
[There follows a sequence of Clarkson being transported to a beach on a marine troop landing craft. During the sequence, there are 3 marines in the car with Clarkson, and comments are made relating to how easy it is to shoot from out of the car's open windows and the convenience of the cup holders coincidentally being the correct size to hold hand grenades]

[Closing the episode]
Jeremy: Anyway, that aah, that's all we got time for this week. Next week, for reasons we don't understand, we're on at nine o'clock. So we'll see you then. Unless you're watching this on Dave. In February. In the middle of the afternoon. In which case we hope that you get a job soon. Take care, see you soon, bye!

December 14th, 2008 [12.7]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. I look at the future of sports cars. James investigates the future of quite literally everything. And Richard Hammond smashes up another caravan.

[About to drag race the Tesla Roadster against a Lotus Elise]
Jeremy: Right, it's on. I... think. There's no noise at all, but anyway. Put it into drive — [it] has a one-speed gearbox. They tried it with a two speed but that kept breaking. So one it is. We're in drive and I'm ready.
[The Roadster pulls away from the Elise]
Jeremy: God almighty! Wave goodbye to dial-up and say hello to the world of broadband motoring! Twelve and a half thousand RPM, I could not believe this! That's biblically quick! This car is electric! Literally!

[While drving the Tesla next to the Lotus Elise, after overtaking it after the Hammerhead]
Jeremy: The volthead has overtaken the petrolhead. And yes, [puts finger next to ear, mimicking a telephone] yes, I've just heard, it is snowing in hell.

[Both Roadsters are unavailable, charging or broken]
Jeremy: I did think that the Tesla's would bring a bit of peace and quiet to our track with their electric motors. [I] didn't think it would be this much peace and quiet though. [walking off] That is the sound of silence.
Jeremy: [voiceover] What we have here then is an astonishing technical achievement: the first electric car you might actually want to buy. It's just a shame that in the real world it doesn't seem to work.

[back in the studio with James]
Jeremy: I tried to be fair. I did try, but it was... it didn't work.
James: It's not good though is it?
Jeremy: No, I think the price will come down, you know once — what's he called — Brad Cruise and Leonardo DiClooney. Once they've bought six hundred each, then the price will drop. And I guess once they've made a few of them they'll get better at the reliability.
James: Well, that's as maybe. But — and as I aim to demonstrate later on in the show — battery powered electric cars will soon die altogether.
Jeremy: No, we are looking forward to that film. Well, I am anyway.

Jeremy: Grandparents, if you've got grandkids that like cars, what they like is cars, okay. They don't like towels with car names written on them.
James: Exactly with this sort of thing you can buy a bottle of red wine for 2.99, 3.99 in the shops. If you get a bottle of red wine with the Alfa Romeo logo on it, it's 15 quid.
Jeremy: Oh I can beat that mate. This is an ice scraper ok. It's covered in Santa's pubes, it's got SAAB written on it... £38.50.
James: What!
Jeremy: It's given us an idea. [produces a plate of vomit, to groans from the audience] See this? It is a plate of sick. Now it is utterly worthless. But if I just pop a BMW badge on it, £13.80.
Richard: [produces a false arm clad in a baggy purple sleeve] It does work, this sort of branding. This wizard's sleeve for instance.[Clarkson laughs madly] Absolutely WORTHLESS, but it bears a Ferrari badge. 45 pounds. [Audience pays attention to what James has]
James: [holds up a fencing foil with a load of sausages speared on it] This pork sword...
Richard: No!
Jeremy: James don't do the pork sword! [holds up a stuffed chicken] This cock...
Richard: Has it got four rings on it?
Jeremy: Yes it has! Put this cock in your wizard's sleeve
Richard: Thank you
Jeremy: It's all gone horribly wrong.

[On The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he doesn't like to get his helmet wet. A point that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an eagle-eyed viewer.
[The Stig is shown in the background under a yellow umbrella during one of Boris Johnson's practice laps]
Jeremy: All we know is, he's called The Stig!

[During the power lap of the Tesla Roadster]
The Stig: [in Morse code] I like Gary Newman.
The Stig: [in Morse code] That pork tasted funny.

[On the Honda FCX Clarity]
James: [voiceover] ...the most important car since the car was invented. Here it is. It's called the FCX Clarity. And I'm afraid it's a four door Honda.

[After testing their V8 rocking chair]
Jeremy: It hasn't worked, because the noise is so great, you'd never hear the television, would you?
Richard: That... and the fact that the old lady has disintegrated. Her head's come off!

James: So far, most electric cars have been appalling little plastic snot-boxes that take all night to recharge and then take half a minute to reach their maximum speed of forty. And then run out of juice miles from anywhere.
[James drives past a Toyota Prius]
James: Prius. Sucker.

[On the Honda FCX Clarity]
Jay Leno: In America, we like people to know about the good work we are doing anonymously.

[on the Embarrassing Flirting Award]
Richard: In third place: James May, for this fantastic, sonerous approach when presented with two girls during our Alfa Romeo trip through Warwickshire.
[The clip with James May saying hello to the girls from Series 11, Episode 3, is played, prompting uproarious laughter from Jeremy, Richard and the audience.]
Richard: I'd forgotten how bad it was!
James: You have to start with "Hello".

Series 13

June 21st, 2009 [13.1]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. Richard tries to start a motorbike. James fill his car with petrol. And I get a British Rail sun tan.

[The steam engine has had a water injector malfunction, then resume operation]
Jeremy: You know they say steam engines have moods…
Engineer: It was its time of the month for about ten minutes.

[on the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel...for his moat. All we know is, he's called the Stig.

[About the London to Edinburgh race]
Richard: When we left the action, Jeremy was in the lead just approaching Doncaster, I was in second place and as you would expect Captain Slow was bringing up the rear...
James: Steady.
Richard: ...Hoping to take me from behind.
James: Yeah alright.
Richard: And then press home his advantage and take Jeremy in the tunnel...
James: Stop saying things like that!

[Jeremy, covered in soot, has just walked into the bar and collapsed after running there from the steam engine]
James: [holding a glass of beer up to Jeremy's mouth] Jeremy! Speak to me!

[Jeremy has just left Berwick aboard Tornado, but has found out that James is in the lead.]
Jeremy: How far north of Berwick are you?
James: Less than ten miles.
Jeremy: How far?
James: less than ten miles.
Jeremy: Seventeen?
James: No, less than ten!
Jeremy: Thirty?
James: [losing patience] LESS THAN TEN!! [laughs] What a cock-head! Honestly!

[Jeremy, Richard and James are beginning on the news.]
Jeremy: Now as we know, to try and shore up the car industry, the Government recently announced that if you scrap your old Singer Gazelle, you get £2000 off the price of a new car.
James: But why is it just cars?
Jeremy: What are you suggesting; "Dear The Government, I've just found some rancid bacon in the back of my fridge; can I have a big pile of money to buy a shiny new lobster?"

[During the news, discussing the Skoda Fabia Scout]
Richard: ... so presuming that it comes with 10pp's, a bit of strings in the glove box, and it pitches up on your doorstep every year to ask for a pound to clean itself.
James: So it's supposed that every summer it goes off, then sort of stays in the countryside somewhere, and is... touched inappropriately.
[crowd laughs]
Jeremy: No, no James. [crowd continues laughing] No, no James. That's the Skoda Catholic Church.

[Jeremy is about to discuss a car smaller than the Peel P50.]
Jeremy: Now, we have some bad news.
James: [dryly] Dacia Sandero.
Jeremy: [firmly] No, not the Dacia Sandero.

Jeremy: Get off topic, just for a moment; you see, I was driving down here this morning and I couldn't help noticing that my Mercedes just said on the dashboard [puts on bad German accent] "your service is due in tventy-six days". [resumes normal voice] I just thought "How Germanic and boring is that?"
Richard: [whispering] ...and precise.
Jeremy: And then I was thinking "What's going to happen on the twenty-seventh day when inevitably I still haven't had it serviced?"
James: [in bad German accent] Cooler, sree veeks... Mezzr. Clarkson...

[Michael Schumacher as the Stig is driving the Reasonably Priced Car very badly]
Jeremy: Here he is, final corner......[the car doesn't turn up]......Michael Schumacher is lost, everybody!!!

June 28th, 2009 [13.2]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight. We throw a chair over a hedge. A Quite Interesting man drives our reasonably priced car. And for the first time ever the Bugatti Veyron races a McLaren F1.

[During the challenge, inside the Top Gear office, talking to insurance sales people]
Richard: No, no accidents in the last five years. [He immediately looks at the camera]

[Also talking to insurance sales people]
Jeremy: But that's 15 times the price of the car! What you're saying is, I'm going to completely write-off the car 15 times a year.

[Jeremy is slipping badly on the slope while trying to escape the clutches of the Glastonbury car park.]
Jeremy: [as if in a crisis] OH, P-L-E-A-S-E!! PLEASE DON'T DO THIS TO ME!!!

[During the news, about the car insurance]
Richard: Can I just point out before we do move on, if you do decide to put yourself on your parents' insurance, and you have a crash, and the insurance company find out that it was really your car...
James: Which they will if it's got a body kit on it.
Jeremy: Or even half a body kit. [part of Hammond's body kit had fallen off in an earlier challenge]
Richard: Alright, whatever. The point is, if the insurance company find out that it really was your car after all, they won't pay out. And then they can prosecute you, and then you might have to go to jail. And then one day you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man will come and-
Jeremy [interrupting]: Oookayy! Okay...

[During the news, while commenting on the cheap car challenge]
James: I thought the best noise that ever came out of a car was the one coming out of the stereo of my seventeen-year-old Golf until you two touched it inappropriately.

[commenting on the furore over North Korea's nuclear tests]
James: Why would the Koreans nuke Hammersmith?
Jeremy: They used American guidance systems?

[Jeremy has just remembered about the Ferrari FXX lap, and has bad news.]
Jeremy: Last week, a man came here, claiming to be the Stig. Maybe he is, we don't know. Okay? Maybe he is, but what we do know is he set a time of one minute, ten seconds in a Ferrari FXX round our track, top of our leaderboard. We subsequently discovered he was doing that on slick tyres. Now we have rules on this powerboard here, okay - you can't use slicks, so this time is coming off.
[Crowd boos as the time comes off.]
Jeremy; [indignantly] Oh, boo?!! [Crowd laughs] This is a dictatorship! You want to live in a democracy, go to Iran!

[Richard has parked his car noiselessly and safely, and now it is Jeremy's turn. All is rather quiet until...]
Jeremy: [in a frustrated yell] OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!

[James has sent the supermarket trolleys flying with his handbrake turn, but the teenage girls are paying no attention.]
Richard: They're hot for James May right now!
[Jeremy laughs loudly.]
James: I might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.

[Richard has crashed his car. Jeremy runs over to it and opens the door.]
Jeremy: You alright?
[After hearing no answer from Richard, he closes the door again.]
Jeremy: [mournfully] Dead.
James: Really?
Jeremy: Yeah - [sniffs] - yeah. Anyway, er...
James: Back to the studio.
Jeremy: [indignantly] That's my line!
[Later, in the studio...]
Richard: [gently] Luckily, children, I got better; you may not be so lucky.

[An irate Jeremy is trying to stop the windscreen wiper while in the studio.]
Richard: This is consumer advice as well, so...
Jeremy: [frustrated] SHUT UUUUUP!

Jeremy:Well of course, what we have proved there is that the Bugatti Veyron, which we know to be the fastest car in the world, is faster than another kind of car.

July 5th, 2009 [13.3]

Jeremy: Tonight. We shout at the government. A man drives a Subaru through a building. And a dog goes in a car.

[During The News]
Jeremy: The worst thing you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl is a handbag.
Richard: That's pretty bad.
Jeremy: Because, even if by some miracle you got the right colour, it would be the wrong shape, it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag-
James: Is there a season for handbags?
[laughter]
Jeremy: Did you hear? Is...oh yes!
James: What, there's certain times of the year I can shoot handbags? It's okay?
[more laughter]
Jeremy: No, the fact is, okay, my wife has a handbag; I kid you not, it is this big. [holds up paper cup] And in it, she'll go, "I've lost my mobile phone! Ring it! Ring it, ring it! And you'll say, "If it's in there, you must be able to see it-", "I can't see it!"

[During the car sauna clip]
Richard: Given that we are made of ... what percentage of us is water?
Jeremy: 98%.
James: Or less.
Richard: Water that evaporates. So what we are breathing is each other's...
Jeremy: [While Richard is pretending to retch] You're breathing my chest.

[After showing the car sauna clip]
Jeremy: Gordon, if you're watching, and you're probably not, if you go to set these ridiculous, er, heatwave level alerts...what was it we got up to?
James and Richard: Sixty-two.
Jeremy: [continuing his speech] ...Sixty-two degrees is your bottom.
Richard: Yeah, it gets a bit toasty...
Jeremy: A bit uncomfortable.
Richard: How about that?
Jeremy: Yeah.
James: Actually, Gordon, there's something else I've discovered in that test, if you're watching. And that is... I know when I'm too hot.
Jeremy: I don't need the Government to tell me to have a drink of water and put suncream on. Leave - us - alone!

[During Star In A Reasonably Priced Car]
Michael: The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car is you would occassionally try and overtake nicer cars on the motorway. It's quite a manly moment. You're sitting there, chugging along at 60; you're quite comfortable. You'll see a Porsche in the middle lane, I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it." She's like, "The Princess couldn't overtake that Porsche, it's a 1.0!" "I can do this!" You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane. When you're in the fast lane in a terrible car, you immediately know you don't belong. Big Range Rovers right up behind you flashing, "Retreat to the loser lane, where you belong!" There are horses in the slow lane going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?" I think the top speed was about 76. You put your foot down and the whole car would shake uncontrollably. It takes somewhere between 40 to 45 minutes to pull alongside the Porsche. My wife's going, [While shaking his head] "I told you!" And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim. [While shaking his head] "Who are you Porsche driver?"

[After James has done a lap with a St Bernard dog in the car]
Jeremy: Oh, that is a miserable-looking dog.
Richard: Aww! It's making me sad just looking at him!
James: [indignantly] That's his normal face!
Jeremy: That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen, and it's your fault. If you're from the RSPCA, write to us at 'James May is a Bastard, BBC Top Gear, London'.

[the presenters, in their small cars, are driving through Parliament Square protesting through loudspeakers]
Jeremy: What do we want?!
James and Richard: ASTON MARTINS!
Jeremy: When do we want them?!
James and Richard: NOW!

Jeremy: 2, 4, 6, 8, Jacqui Smith's husband likes to mast...I can't do that one...

James: Acceleration, not nationalisation - of the banks (although obviously it's easy to make a credible case for state ownership of other industries such as utilities)!
Richard: Catchy!

[Jeremy, James and Richard are testing the smoothness and quietness of their cars. Things are uncannily silent, until.........]
Jeremy: [over radio] This may only have a three-cylinder diesel engine, but it's so quiet in here I can hear my hair growing!

July 12th, 2009 [13.4]

Jeremy: Tonight. The fastest man in the world on our track. The slowest man in the world falls asleep. And we literally set fire to Dorset with a machine gun.

[On the powerful, front wheel drive, Ford Focus RS]
Jeremy: Asking the front wheels of a car to do their normal job of steering more than 170 bhp is like asking a man to wire a plug while juggling. Penguins. While making love to a beautiful woman, while on fire, on stage, in front of the Queen.
[On cornering]
Jeremy: Eventually, you will slide wide. But only after your face has come off.

[Jeremy, James and Richard are talking about the new Lamborghini Gallardo Balboni]
James: I like that stripe so much I'd be prepared to buy the whole car just to get it.
Jeremy: Just for the stripe. Can I just offer one word of warning to anyone who's thinking of buying a Gallardo? James, for you, okay? Have you seen this?
[A picture of a Gallardo on fire appears on the screen]
Richard: That's...that's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah; have you seen this?
[Another picture of a Gallardo on fire appears...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: Yeah, I know; have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: I know, but have you seen this?
[...and another...]
Richard: That's a burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and another...]
Richard: Er, burning Gallardo.
Jeremy: What about this?
[...and one of a Gallardo that's almost totally destroyed by the fire]
Richard: [laughing] Apparently a burning Gallardo! Ridiculous!
James: So I go into the dealer and I say "I'd like a Lamborghini, can I have one that's not on fire?"
Jeremy: Thing is, though, I have to say, this is what makes driving a Lamborghini so exciting; you drive in a normal car, and it's not on fire.

July 19th, 2009 [13.5]

Jeremy: Tonight. We save the entire world. We test a fat spaniel from Jaguar. And we annoy France's second best racing driver.

[on The Stig]
Jeremy: Some say, he has twelve GCSE's, all in Domestic Science. And that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to. All we know is, he's called The Stig.

Richard: (on the Morris Marina) I'll guarantee that nothing exciting, vibrant, dynamic, new, creative, hopeful or beneficial in any way to humanity has ever been done, thought of or driven to in that drab, dreary, entirely beige, willfully awful pile of misery.

Jeremy: We have had some problems with the Morris Marina Owners' Club -
Richard: Problems!? They've declared a Fatwa on us!

[During the Val Thorens race, Jeremy's windscreen has been coated with snow...]
Jeremy: [panicking] I CAN'T SEE A BLOODY THING!! [accidentally pulls off glove while steering] AAGH, pulled my own glove off!

Jeremy: (almost crashing into May's Marina at the Val Thorens race) DON'T HIT HIM!! Morris extremists will come if I hit him!

July 26th, 2009 [13.6]

[Carla Bruni's song about Marina]
Carla: My heart is sore
Carla: My Marina is no more
Carla: It was the 1.8
Carla: With the optional rear armrest
Carla: And now those Top Gear wazzocks
Carla: Have dropped a piano on its roof
Carla: I hate James May
Carla: And the other two
Carla: But mainly James May
Carla: I want my Morris back
[cuts to James May laughing]

Jeremy: Getting into the old Z4 after a long day, was like coming home after a long day's work and flopping down onto a sofa made entirely out of Chuck Norris.

August 2nd, 2009 [13.7]

[During the News, about forbidding people not interested in cars to drive]
Richard: If you haven't got the interest, you can't do it...you shouldn't be allowed to do it.
Jeremy: No, exactly. I mean, it would be like asking him [Jeremy points to Richard] to cook Sunday lunch. Could you cook a Sunday lunch?
Richard: Yeah, you...boil the meat or whatever...no, I'm not-
Jeremy: You see?
Richard: I'm not interested in food so I'm not interested in cooking.
Jeremy: There you are, you see? You wouldn't ask him because he's not interested to cook you any food, you wouldn't ask me to do the washing up, you wouldn't ask James to...direct a porn film.
[The audience laugh as Jeremy looks very matter-of-fact]
James: Well, hang on. You say that, I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.
Jeremy: If you directed a porn film, it would be you arriving at the house of the woman in the stockings and you'd go [Jeremy takes on a deep voice in imitation of James] "I've come to fix your boiler". And then you just fix it.
James [considering]: Might be. What's wrong with that?

[Overlaying shots of Jeremy driving the Aston Martin V12 Vantage in the English countryside.]
Jeremy: Well, it's an Aston Martin Vantage with a V12 engine. What do you think it's going to be like? It is fantastic. It is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. What it makes me feel, though, is sad. I just can't help thinking that thanks to all sorts of things...the environment, the economy, problems in the Middle East, the relentless war on speed...cars like this will soon be consigned to the history books. [drives past pictures of similar cars that have fallen out of use] I just have this horrible, dreadful feeling that what I’m driving here is an ending. [looks at the camera] Good night.

Series 14

November 15th, 2009 [14.1]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, James gets lost in a Lamborghini . Richard drives over a bridge in a Ferrari. And I wear a small hat in an Aston Martin.

[Talking about what would be the best car to take on a Grand Tour of Europe]
Richard: What you want for a Grand Tour is engine at the front, nice comfy suspension, four seats and a boot for all your luggage
Jeremy: Exactly, like the Aston
Richard: Well, yeah, it's the best…apart from the fact that the Ferrari costs £140,000, the Lambo £150,000 and the Aston is the best part of £170,000
Jeremy: Yes
Richard: And it's the slowest to 60mph.
Jeremy: Yes
Richard: And it's got the smallest top speed
Jeremy: Yes. But...(pointing to the Ferrari) that's a V8, (pointing to the Lamborghini) that's a V10, (pointing to the Aston) that's a V12. MORE is better.

[About Romania]
Jeremy: We imagine that here [in Romania] it's full of oxes and people throwing stones at gypsies.
Jeremy: Coming here in a car that costs £168,000 is a bit like turning up in the Sudan in a suit made entirely out of food.

[In the Romania road trip, connecting the bluetooth systems of the cars]
Jeremy: (voiceover) So that we could talk to each other on our long journey, we decided to pull over and connect our phones into the cars' Bluetooth systems. In the Aston and the Lamborghini, this was very easy. However, in the Ferrari...
Onboard computer voice : 'Every new phone must be prepared before it is used'
Richard: Yes, preparing my phone.
Onboard computer voice : 'You may have...’
Richard: Yes, yes, yes.
Onboard computer voice :..so that you can press the phone's button and say "Call Mary" to place a call to Mary. Pressing the VR button while the system is speaking...'
Richard: PLEASE STOP!

[In the Romania road trip, talking about the Aston DBS Volante]
Jeremy: Aston Martin has gone to simply enormous lengths to make the DBS convertible as light as possible. It has a carbon-fibre bonnet, carbon-fibre wings, carbon-fibre boot, carbon-fibre door-pulls, even. They've even made the carpet out of a specially lightweight weave. And the results speak for themselves. This is by far and away...the HEAVIEST car of the three.

[In the Romania road trip, when a Dacia Sandero overtakes them easily on the road]
Jeremy: (voiceover) For miles, our convoy ruled the road. But then...
Jeremy: Oh, my God! Look here!
Richard: What's that?! Wha...?
James: That's the Dacia Sandero!
Jeremy: I'm going to see if I can hold on to the back of it.
James: The 1.2 16-valve...that thing can shift!
Jeremy: Come on! Keep up with the Sandero!

[In the news, talking about how Australian authorities are going to get tough on boozed up fans]
Jeremy: They say each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.
Richard: (sarcastically) Just 24?
Jeremy: 24 a day, no more than that.
James: And Australians, don't think you can get round this by switching to wine, because that's limited as well...to four litres a day.

[Talking about a long German word for a gearbox]
Jeremy: Do you know what that means? You speak German.
James: I do.
Jeremy: What's the only German you can say?
James: (speaking in German) "Aber ja, natürlich Hans nass ist, er steht unter einem Wasserfall."
Jeremy: What's that mean?
James: "Naturally Hans is wet, he's standing under a waterfall"
Richard: Ok...
[Audience laughs]
James: I use it all the time.

[On the Stig]
Jeremy:Some say, that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off.
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right.
[Audience laughs]
Jeremy: All we know is, he's called the Stog.
James: You mean the Stig.
Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it!

November 22nd, 2009 [14.2]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight, James drives a milk float. Richard says "look out" backwards. And I cut my finger on some aluminium.

[Talking about a new F1 team, Manor Grand Prix from near Sheffield]
Richard: I can't wait to see their new car. Don't worry about bothering with all that carbon fibre, I made mine out of steel!
Jeremy: Stainless steel. [putting on accent] I tell you what, if that Fernando Alonso twats into our car, his Ferrari'll be buggered.
James: Funny, my dad worked in pit, and now I've got a job in pit.
Jeremy: They're replacing T'oyota and they've sang' Timo Glock, who presumably is currently learning why it's important to punch anyone who looks at 'im funny.

[About the British police thinking of using the Mitsubishi i MiEV]
James: I don't want the police to crack down on CO2. I want them to get my bloody television back, because it's been six years since that was nicked and I haven't heard a peep out of them whilst they've been going on about cracking down on CO — I'm going to have to buy another one at this rate.
Jeremy: What were you stopped for the other day? By a police man. It was some motoring misdemeanour. He just turned around and said "Oh good, this must mean you've found my television".

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a celebrity because he is one.

November 29th, 2009 [14.3]

[During the opening sequence]
Jeremy: Tonight: James wears a stripey jumper. Richard drives a stripey Lamborghini, and we name the greatest car maker in the world.

(Talking about the Gallardo Balboni)
Richard: According to Top Gear research, 47% of caravaners enjoy wife swapping. Think what will happen when the keys for this baby come out the pot! Oh, yeah!

(At Norwich airport)
Police helicopter: (…) not really aware of your intentions, but ah.. you've strayed into the controlled airspace of Norwich Airport.
James: I may be about to get a colossal aviation bollocking.

(mocking James after his flying airship caravan attempt fails)
Jeremy: And of course you had to drive it a lot more than you thought (the Gallardo Balboni), because of the freak weather conditions that blighted James…the light breezes…

[About the Hawk Lancia Stratos kit car]
Jeremy: The interior would be familiar to Lancia fans. The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are. The steering wheel is perilously close to where my testes used to be, before the seatbelt jammed them up to my lungs. The gear lever is like Bugs Bunny's ears, and one of the buttons on the dash operates the fire extinguisher…but I don't know which one it is, so I dare not touch any of them.

Jeremy: And so, belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of roadworks there - 20 miles - which have average speed cameras set at 50mph for the entire length. Traffic's light, there's no rain, it's 3 lanes, but you're forced to do 50. Now, I don't know who the Minister of Transport is, but I want him to find the man who came up with that idea, go round to his office on Monday morning and punch him really hard in the side of his head. Just-(mimes punching someone) -bumff. 'Coz if he doesn't, I'm going to find the man, and I'm going to attach him to a milling machine, and I'm gonna see if it's possible to turn a man's head into a perfect cube. (audience laugh) Do you know why they have the 50mph speed limit? To protect the workforce...who weren't there! They were in bed, where I wanted to be!
James: No, I agree, I agree with you entirely, but the answer is not cubing people's heads. The answer is, when the workforce isn't there, do 70.
Jeremy: Well, you're just gonna get nicked.
James: No, but if everybody does 70-
Jeremy: Okay, who here would just do 70 through a set of roadworks with an average speed camera? (only James puts his hand up) Nobody, James! You go charging through and you're just gonna get booked!
James: No, but that's fine, but you can test it; stay at 70, because that's the speed limit, take it to court, in front of the jury, and you argue, correctly, that it is wrong to apply a 50mph speed limit when there's no-one there to protect.
Jeremy: So you're saying it's logic.
James: It is logic.
Jeremy: It's logic to kill Peter Mandelson.
James: No it isn't.
Jeremy: It is. No, it is, but you can't do it.
James: Killing Peter Mandelson is a grey area. But doing 70mph on the motorway-
Jeremy: What, it's black and white?
James: -is an absolute.
Jeremy: How many people went on that anti-war march? A million. We went to war. How many people went on the countryside march? 400,000. And fox hunting was still banned. The Government's not interested in the will of the people, particularly if it's just one pedantic long-haired old queen standing up in court saying, "Oh, I did 70 'coz it's logical."
Richard: You're absolutely right, speed limits on motorways can be a pain, and there's two solutions outlined for you. (points to James) A revolution...(points to Jeremy)...or cubing people's heads. Alternatively, you could just...leave a bit earlier?
Jeremy: No, cube their heads!
Richard: Get up five minutes earlier.
Jeremy: I haven't got five minutes!
James: It's not five minutes anyway.
Jeremy: It's five minutes a day, if you have to commute - anyone here from Leicestershire? Is anyone here? (a man puts his hand up) How did you get here-Jesus! (the camera centres on the man, who does indeed look like Jesus) Jesus is from Leicestershire! He is Jesus! Come here, Jesus! Come and join me!
(the man joins Jeremy)
Jeremy: Congratulations for-
Man: Thank you.
Jeremy: It's slightly bigger news than the M1, but nevertheless, we'll gloss over the Second Coming...do you commute on that bit of road?
Man: No, I go the back way.
Jeremy: Because of that [the roadworks]?
Man: Yeah.
Jeremy: So how much is it adding to your transport every day?
Man: Uhh...about ten minutes, quarter of an hour.
Jeremy: Ten minutes a day? That's-
Man: Each way.
Jeremy: Each way, five days a week?
Man: Yeah.
Jeremy: So that's an hour and forty minutes a week the Government is stealing from Jesus!
James: That's right.
Richard: Now that is a small point, that-
Jeremy: Thank you for sharing that with us.
('Jesus' walks back into the audience to massive applause)
Jeremy: Gordon Brown is stealing an hour and forty minutes from Jesus!

[On the Stig]
Jeremy: Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances, includes the great smell of Wednesday.
[audience laughs]
Jeremy: And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable.
[audience laughs]
Jeremy: All we know is he's call The Stig!

Specials

Top Gear Winter Olympics (February 12th, 2006) [S.1]

[During the opening sequence.]
Jeremy: So, the Winter Olympics are being held in Italy, which when you look at the place, seems to be a bit too warm. That's why we're in Norway, a proper winter country. And we've got some proper winter sports lined up for you. So welcome then, to the Top Gear Winter Olympics. It's the Winter Olympics, speeded up a bit!

James: Anyway, you have probably noticed that TV's Richard Hammond isn't with us today and that's because he's currently appearing on commercial daytime television.
Jeremy: Yes he is, he's on live, every afternoon filling Paul O'Grady's slot.
[pause]
Jeremy: [laughs] I've just realised what I said then.
James: [laughs] I know.

James: This is speed skating. Which in the proper Olympics involves a lot of men in condoms, slithering about.

James: With Jeremy's shooting, you're perfectly safe so long as you stand directly in front of the target.

Jeremy: [producing an MP5A4 from the boot of his Volvo XC90] Not only is he using the wrong car, he's using the wrong gun. A .22 is alright when you're nine, but when you're in a hurry you need one of these: a Heckler and Koch MP5 machine pistol. That's on fully automatic... EAT LEAD Olympic target! [he fires an entire magazine in fully automatic mode and misses all five targets]

Jeremy: Biathletes need to eat 6,000 calories a day: six thousand! That's the equivalent of 2 pounds of butter, 70 slices of bread, 112 eggs, 86 tabs of yogurts, 28 potatoes, 117 biscuits and 21 Twix bars... On that basis,I could be an Olympic biathlete!

[testing his Land Rover Discovery on a makeshift ice circuit]
James: This is the best way to get the power of the big V8 down onto the ice: with 4WD; intelligent differentials; intelligent traction control; not just booting it, and shouting.

[after learning James and Jeremy plan to rocket a mini down a ski slope]
Richard: I am staying!

[announcing an event, with the text on the sign behind him truncated]
Jeremy: ...in the "Top Gear Winter Olympics Ski Slash Car Jumping Champio!"

Jeremy: Gravity is a cruel and unpredictable mistress, so...
James: No it isn't, it's a constant all over the world.

[on building a snow bank at the bottom of the ski slope]
Richard: [to Jeremy] Yeah, it's going well. It's going well... [he slips, falls, and slides all the way down the slope]

Jeremy: I can guarantee that won't stop the Mini. Partly because it's not substantial enough, but mostly because you've built that in front of that slope, and the Mini, is coming down that one. [pointing to the other ski slope].
Richard: Right.
[Jeremy and James collapse laughing]
Richard: Righto.
Jeremy: What a complete...
Richard: I'll make some adjustments.
Jeremy: Did nobody tell you?!
Richard: [shouting] NO!! Obviously!! Or I'd have built it over there!!
[Jeremy and James continue to laugh]
Richard: That is fairly embarrassing, what I need... is a big machine.

[announcing an event, with the text on the sign behind him truncated]
Jeremy: I declare the "Top Gear Suzuki Swift Car/Ice Hockey Cha" open!"

Jeremy: Ok! The blue team captained by Captain Slow, that's primetime television. The red team captained by Richard Phillip Schofield Hammond, that's daytime television.

[Jeremy howls]
James: He's great isn't he? Give him a megaphone, he's happy!

Player: Do you have any vacuum cleaner?
Jeremy: A vacuum cleaner?
Player: Yes, clean the seats.
Jeremy: Does Top Gear have a vacuum cleaner?! No!

Jeremy: You've just let me down.
James: Rubbish. I've scored two brilliant goals whilst you've been chatting up some Norwegian woman and standing in the bar.
Player: That was my wife.
James: It was his wife.
Jeremy: Yes, it was your wife.

[While playing a game of ice hockey]
Jeremy: Hammond, in the sin bin!
Richard: I can't believe I got sin binned, for what?
Jeremy: Go on ITV, and you get sin binned. It's that simple.
Richard: [voiceover] With me shackled, Prime Time bought the scores to 5-4.
James: [scoring a goal] Yeah!
Richard: Oh, come on, ref!
Jeremy: Hammond, you may rejoin...
[Hammond drives a few feet forward]
Jeremy: ...and that's the end of the game, everybody!

Jeremy: Some time the next afternoon, it was morning.

[on rocketing a Mini down a ski slope]
James: This has never been done before.
Richard: No. We are, in fact, at the cutting edge of cocking about!

James: No one has ever done it before because they probably would be killed to death.

[At the end of the car vs. man in arctic conditions film]
Richard: So, if you want to drive to the North Pole, buy a Hammond.

Richard: We are at the cutting edge of cocking about

Top Gear Polar Race (July 25, 2007) [S.2]

[This special episode of Top Gear is entirely a race from Resolute in Canada to the North Magnetic Pole].

[explaining the modifications made to his Toyota Hillux on what appears to be a sunny day]
Jeremy: ...then at the front, I insisted it was fitted with these powerful spot lamps, although that might have been a bit unnecessary since its currently 11:30 pm and this is as dark as it ever gets.

Jeremy: Richard Hammond has been given Matty McNair, who is one of the world's leading arctic experts. Me? I've been given... him.
[Jeremy points and he pulls up to James May]
James: Can I make it absolutely clear, here, now, that I'm only here because the producers said I had to be. I don't like snow, I hate being cold, I hate outdoor pursuits, I hate the idea that I've got to "push my body to find the limit," I can't stand this stupid clothing that makes this rustling noise when you move all the time, and I hate the zips, and the toggles, and all the pockets, and that and I hate your stupid truck.
Jeremy: [shushing James] Listen. If we make it, look at it this way: you will be the first person ever to go to the North Pole who didn't want to be there.

[at the Cold Weather Training Center in the Austrian Alps]
Doctor: Should we go straight to the frozen penis?
[The three groan]
Doctor: He'd been walking with it hanging out of his trousers.
Richard: How do you walk with your willy hanging out?
Doctor: Which comes down to organisation and teamwork.
Richard: Well, it's more than disorganised-
Jeremy: It's a good job he didn't do it on the London Underground—he'd be arrested for permanently getting on public transport with it hanging out...

[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps]
Jeremy: We were then taught how to erect a tent. Our instructor was a former Special Forces soldier who arrived with a pixelated face... and he was very bossy.

[at the Cold Weather Training Centre in the Austrian Alps: after the Special Forces soldier pushes Jeremy through the ice]
Special Forces Soldier with the pixellated face: That's it. Pull your self out. Pull yourself out! Come on! Put some effort in! Don't stay there all day! Drop the poles!
Jeremy: [confused] How dare you...
Special Forces Soldier: Hands above your head, hands above your head! HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD! Okay, roll in the snow, roll in the snow! ROLL IN THE SNOW!
Richard: Roll in the snow, Jeremy. That will make you much better, rather than a big pink fluffy towel.
Richard: That looked awful.
James: I'm... I'm staggered.
Richard: Do you know what though, I like to think of us as a unit on Top Gear, and as a unit we've done that test.

Jeremy: Who do you think's going to win this race?
James: I think we're all going to die.

Jeremy: Let's go to the pole!

[on Richard]
Jeremy: He is a plucky Brit, and like all plucky Brits, he's going to come in second.

[trying to erect a tent in a high arctic winds]
James: How fucking monstrous is this?
Jeremy: It's... it's, beyond... it's not normal.

Richard: The silence is... beautiful.

Jeremy: Based on... no knowledge at all, we decided to push on in our three ton truck.

Jeremy: I admire Hammond for doing what he's doing. I admire all Arctic explorers. But I think the time has now come for the world to say let's see how easily we can get to the top of Everest. Let's see how easily we can get to the North Pole. I think we could forge a career as the world's worst explorers. [voiceover] Surprisingly, James was ahead of me on that one.
James: What would really make it nice would be a gin and tonic. Would you like one?
Jeremy: What?
James: A gin and tonic.
Jeremy: Yes, I would like a gin and tonic, but we can't have a gin and tonic because we're in the Arctic Ocean.
James: I'll make you one.
Jeremy: What?
[James produces the necessary items and ingredients]
Jeremy: Hahahahahahaha! You've got gin!
James: I have.
Jeremy: And because we're in international waters there's no drink-drive laws.
James: Exactly.
Jeremy: Got any ice? (looks around him)That's a stupid question, isn't it?
James: Could you just slow down so I can slice the lemon for the gin and tonic?
Jeremy: Now this is Arctic exploration.

Jeremy: And please, do not write to us about drinking and driving. Because I'm not driving, I'm sailing.

[Cooking in the tent with James producing gourmet food from his hidden stash]
James: What do salmon eggs go really well with?
Jeremy: Well, a crisp white, but, um, we can dream on about that.
James: Like a Chablis really. [produces bottle]
Jeremy: Nooooo, nooooo, James! [breathes in heavily] Look what he's got! Wine! I haven't had any for days!
James: I knew you'd like that.
Jeremy: A week in Resolute and three days on the ice just surviving on only gin.

James: That's very flat over there...
Jeremy: James, we're out.
[the two get out]
Jeremy: [rejoicing] We've made it! It's flat! It's so smooth, and no more going up and down...! [groaning] Oh...
[voiceover]
Jeremy: It had taken three days of almost nonstop driving, but this incredible machine had breached what the experts had said would be an impregnable wall. It had taken on the impossible... and it had won.

Jeremy: The fact is, though, that two middle-aged men, deeply unfit and mostly drunk, had made it.

Jeremy: We are now the most northern people in the world... apart from Michael Parkinson obviously.

Jeremy: [on seeing a polar bear with its cubs] Oh its got babies. [turns to the camera] Sweeeeeeeeeet! [voiceover] Not being Attenborough, I couldn't think of anything better to say.

Top Gear: Vietnam Special (December 28, 2008) [S.3]

[Introducing the special from the studio]
Jeremy: Hello and and welcome to a sea of disappointed faces. Because these people have driven all the way down here today only to find the show isn't actually coming from here today.
James: No, it is in fact coming from six thousand miles away, here [points on map] in Vietnam.
Richard: Yes, we were told to meet in the centre of Saigon and await further instructions.
Jeremy: So, sit back, enjoy the ride.

[Reading the first part of the challenge]
Jeremy: Since you can buy Rolexes here for a fiver and lunch for 50p, you're standing in the world's biggest Pound shop. You should therefore have no trouble at all buying some wheels for fifteen million đồng.

Jeremy: [voiceover] Delighted that for once the producers had been generous, we headed for the showrooms. [out loud] I love having inches of money! [voiceover] But our joy was short lived as James discovered when he tried to buy a bog-standard Fiat 500.
James: [pointing to car] Can you tell me how much?
Salesman: Uh, five hun— five hun'ret and sixty million Việt đồng.
James: Five hundred and sixty million?
Salesman: Yeah
James: How much is fifteen million đồng?
Salesman: Ooh, just about one thousand U.S. dollar.

[meeting up after finding the money they've been given isn't in fact worth very much]
Jeremy: I'll tell you the problem, is cars only came to Vietnam a few years ago, ok—four or five years ago? They've got the two hundred percent import tax on them, they haven't had time—in the four or five years since they've been here—to get cheap.
Richard: So there are no bangers.
James: Everything's expensive and we're actually quite poor.

[James gets Jeremy's attention and gestures to the motorbikes behind them]
Jeremy: No.
James: Go on.
Richard: Look around us, what do we see everywhere?
Jeremy: You know I can't do that.
James: Well what else is there? [pokes box of money] Bet you can get a bike for that!
Jeremy: I bet you could get a lump of excrement for that as well, it doesn't mean I'm going to go...
Richard: It's transport, with an engine. It's the only choice we have.
James: Come on!
Jeremy: No.
James: Look, that's all we've got. [Holds up a bundle of money and puts it back in the box] Bikes.

[Jeremy describing his bike without any of the enthusiasm the other presenters have shown]
Jeremy: I've bought this, which is um... a motorcycle.
James: Well technically, this is a scooter. [picks it up into the upright position]
Jeremy: If you let go now it will just fall over.
James: No, it's got a thing called a stand!
Richard: You really don't know anything about bikes do you? I mean, really...
Jeremy: Nothing
Richard: Tell you what I will say, it's actually very pretty. But, it's going to be useless because whatever the challenge is, tiny wheels and looking good – that's not going to help.
Jeremy: Why are tiny wheels wrong?
James: Because the holes are big and the little wheels go further in.
Jeremy: What holes?
James: The holes in the road.
Richard: So you're going be [wobbly sound] all over the place.
Jeremy: How many cylinders has it got?
James and Richard: One
Jeremy: One?
James: It's two stroke.

[Reading the main challenge]
James: You'll now attempt to achieve in eight days what the Americans failed to achieve in ten years: get from the south of Vietnam to the north. You will ride from [laughs] here in Saigon to Halon city, near the Chinese border, which is one thousand miles away.
[Jeremy looks daunted]
James: That is excellent!
Richard: Wow!
James: That is the best challenge we've ever had!
Richard: That's fa— I'm going. I'm getting—Get his bike started. [runs back to his bike]
James: Honestly, that is fantastic. [leaves too]
Jeremy: I just— I can't do that. I can't do— Guys, I can't do that! I can't ride a bike. I'm sorry, this is stupid. [points to crew behind the camera] And I'm not joking, it is - I don't know who came up with this, but it's daft.
Richard: I think it's brilliant! I'm more excited than anything we've ever done.
James: I can't believe you're being a misery-guts.
Jeremy: Because it's a thousand miles in the rainy season...!
Richard: I know, that's the best thing about it!
Jeremy: ...a thousand miles in the rainy season in a country with not very good roads, and I can't ride a bike!

Jeremy: [voiceover] I honestly believed that at some point on our long an torturous route, one of us would be killed. Probably wouldn't be Hammond though. Because unlike us two, he at least could get a helmet which fitted.
Jeremy: The reason I don't ride a motorcycle is because I have a large brain.
Richard: No, you have a big head.
Jeremy: The reason why crash helmets are small is because people who wear them haven't got a brain. Otherwise they'd have a car.

[Jeremy is having lunch while his scooter is being repaired]
Jeremy: [picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks] You look at this and you think "what noise did this make when it was alive"? Did it go moooo, or did it go tweet tweet tweet, or did it go neigh! [eats it] I think it went ruff! rrrrr-ruf! But it's delicious.

[Richard and James are having lunch somewhere else]
James: [looking at the menu] Uhm, well I think this thing here is a sort of squid thing with some... weird paste
Richard: [looking unhappy] Don't like squid.
James: Ok, well you can have crab with...
Richard: Don't like crab.
James: Razor clams!
Richard: Don't like clams.

[Jeremy is broken down by the side of a road]
Jeremy: And here we are again. It's a lovely evening in south-east Asia, as you can see. And I'd be enjoying it in any means of transport apart from the motorbike. If somebody said to me "would you like to hop to Hanoi?" Yes I would. [hops off on one foot down the road]

[Richard and then James arrive at the meeting point, a restaurant]
Richard: Well, I went to check ahead if it'd gotten any steeper. It did.
James: I know.
Richard: Where is he, do you reckon?
James: Dunno.
Richard: Do you think he's enjoying his first biking experience?
Jeremy: [shouting while riding through the town] I am the most miserable human being alive! Where's this restaurant? Where is it?

[Just before the rain starts to fall]
Jeremy: [voiceover] Still, at least I'd been assured it wouldn't rain.
Jeremy: Name an upside to this, mate! Name ONE upside!
James: Well, you're not hot anymore, are you?
Jeremy: My light's dying. It's dying. My light's dying!
Jeremy: [voiceover] There was an upside though. Richard's Taliban bike had decided it liked the rain even less than me.
Richard: Come on now! [hops up and down whilst still on his bike] That's not so effective as I'd hoped it would be.
Jeremy: [shouting whilst driving through a big puddle] Oh my god! What the hell is going on in my life?! Why has my life gone so wrong?!
James: It's good for you!
Jeremy: [still shouting] It's not!
James: It is. Stop whining!
[Jeremy and James passing a small truck]
Jeremy: Hit that. Cheer me up—kill yourself.

[After being asked a question in Vietnamese]
Richard: [In English] Always give way to the car from the right!
[Whole class bursts out laughing]
Jeremy: You had a one in a hundred chance of being right, but it was in the wrong language.

Jeremy: I've always said that if my children buy a bike, I'll burn it. If they replace it with another one, I'll burn that one too. Now when they buy a bike, I'll completely understand... and then I'll burn it.

Jeremy: [voiceover] With just 50 miles to go, Hammond went berserk!
Richard: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! The speeeeeeed!!
Jeremy: He's just a... prat!

James: [Having just run out of fuel in the pouring rain] Oh cock... this is a massive "oh cock"!

Jeremy: What a journey! 700 miles on my bike, 250 miles on a train, and about 50 miles on my face.

Top Gear: Bolivia Special (December 27, 2009) [S.14]

Richard: Have we just been abandoned here to die?

[Analysing each others' kit for the journey]
Richard: [pointing to James' utility belt] What's all this?
James: That is my belt of many things.
Richard: Are these all stuff for...
Jeremy: [interrupting] What is that?
James: Don't touch it. That is a dental healthcare kit.
Richard: What's this?
James: Don't touch it, just ask. That, is a shoe polishing kit.
Jeremy and Richard: What?!
James: It's a shoe polishing kit.
Jeremy: Well thank God for that. If we get hungry, we'll be able to eat his Kiwi boot polish.
Richard: Basically, what you've done is bought My First Explorer Kit.
James: [Jeremy inspects the rear of the belt] Don't touch it!

(Trying to pull James's Vitara off the ramp...)
Jeremy: It's only an ounce to pull.
James: Please be gentle with this, Jeremy, and not a yob.
Jeremy:POWEEERRRRRRRR!!!

Richard: (Voiceover) Finally, we were all off the ramp, and as a reward, the producers gave us a box of things to help us survive the perils that lay ahead
Jeremy: (Going through box)...Some rubber tubing...Durex...
Richard': Condoms?!
Jeremy: Vaseline...Tampax...and Viagra.
James: I know we're going to be in the jungle a bit together but that's a bit extreme.
Richard: What kind of party are they planning?!

Jeremy: [Reading a book about insects to Hammond, as he has a phobia of them] Ooh, the botfly. Now, this is a marvellous thing. The botfly cannot sting a human directly, but captures smaller insects, lays its larvae upon them and then releases them. If the smaller host insects then bites the human, the botfly larvae are impregnated into the skin. The larvae then pupates inside the skin, at which point they eat their way out and fly away. The BBC Natural History Unit reports the case of a man, who was bitten behind the ear, and was kept awake at night by the sound of the botfly larvae eating the flesh inside his head.

(The morning after they have first set camp in the Amazon)
Richard: (Voiceover) To get away from the creepy crawlies, I decided to seek refuge in my car.
Richard: (Opens door) Ooooookay... (Then shuts it again) Uh, guys...
(A litte later...)
Jeremy: Oh! There IS a snake in your car.
(Richard quickly panics...)
Jeremy: It's coming up; It's coming up! It's known locally as the 'Big Vicious Killer Snake!'
Richard: Thanks.

(After pulling out Jeremy's Range Rover from the gulley...)
Richard: (Voiceover) We realized that we have to build a bridge... which made one of us very excited.
Jeremy: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!.
Richard: He's got a chainsaw.
(Jeremy fires up the chainsaw...)
Jeremy: OH YES!
Richard: (Rather annoyed) Oh no...

Jeremy: (Attempting to waterproof their cars) Right. These are condoms...
Richard: Do you two need some time to yourselves?

(Driving along the Road of Death in the dark, long since abandoned by Jeremy)
James: Hammond, I want to say something to you that I wouldn't say at any other time.
Richard: ...What...?
James: ...Please don't leave me.

(On crossing the Atacama Desert, which is devoid of all life)
Jeremy:: Richard Hammond was the smallest living thing for miles!

Jeremy: I have a teddy bear. I've had it since the day I was born. One of its arms has fallen off, one of its eyes is missing, his head has come off more times than I can mention. To you it would be worthless junk, but to me it means everything and it's the same story with this car.

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
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Simple English

Top Gear
Genre Motoring
Presented by Jeremy Clarkson
Richard Hammond
James May (2003-present)
The Stig
Jason Dawe (2002)
Opening theme "Jessica"
Composer(s) Dickey Betts
Country of origin United Kingdom
Language(s) English
No. of series 14
No. of episodes 103 and 5 specials
Production
Producer(s) Andy Wilman
Location(s) Dunsfold Park, Guildford, Surrey
Running time 60 min. (approx.)
Production company(s) BBC
Distributor BBC Worldwide
Broadcast
Original channel BBC Two
Picture format 576i, anamorphic 16:9
1080i (Polar Special 2007)
First shown in 1977 – 2001
Original run 20 October 2002 – present
Chronology
Preceded by Top Gear
External links
Official website
Production website

Top Gear is a television show on the BBC. The show is all about cars and other vehicles. They test new cars to see how fast they go. They also test really old cars and do crazy stuff with them. They usually rate cars that the normal person wouldn't be able to afford. The show started as a regular car show but has changed over time to what it is now. It uses comedy to attract viewers which are now estimated to be 350 million.

Contents

Segments

Races

The show often has long distance races. They usually race a fast car against a different form of transportation like trains and boats. They are called 'epic' races. They also have smaller races where they match up cars of different times to see which one outperforms the other.

Challenge

The challenge part of the show is about different stunts of the most ridiculous things the show can come up with. One time they jumped a bus over a row of motorcycles (instead of the motorcycle jumping over buses). Recently, the show has started using the phrase "How hard can it be?" for the challenge segment. They put themselves in different situations that a normal person probably wouldn't get a chance to experience.

Star in a Reasonably-Priced Car

Once during every episode (except some specials) they bring a celebrity on stage. They show footage of the celebrity driving an average car around a racetrack. They put the time it took for them to complete a lap of the track on a board with the names of all of the other celebrities who drove the same course.

Power Laps

Power laps are one lap around the Top Gear Test Track. They will take any car that can drive and will see how fast it can make it around the track. The vehicles must be cars and they must be road legal.








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