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Veronica Mars
Veronica mars intro.jpg
Third season intertitle
Genre Teen dramedy
Mystery
Noir
Created by Rob Thomas
Starring Kristen Bell
Percy Daggs III
Teddy Dunn
Jason Dohring
Sydney Tamiia Poitier
Francis Capra
Ryan Hansen
Kyle Gallner
Tessa Thompson
Julie Gonzalo
Chris Lowell
Tina Majorino
Michael Muhney
Enrico Colantoni
Narrated by Kristen Bell (eponymous)
Opening theme "We Used to Be Friends" by The Dandy Warhols
Country of origin United States
No. of seasons 3
No. of episodes 64 (List of episodes)
Production
Executive producer(s) Joel Silver
Rob Thomas
Diane Ruggiero
Jennifer Gwartz
Danielle Stokdyk
Running time 42 minutes
Broadcast
Original channel UPN (2004–2006)
The CW (2006–2007)
Picture format 480i (SDTV), 1080i (HDTV)
Audio format Stereo
Dolby Digital 5.1
Original run September 22, 2004 (2004-09-22) – May 22, 2007 (2007-05-22)

Veronica Mars is an American television series created by Rob Thomas. The series premiered on September 22, 2004 during television network UPN's final two years, and ended on May 22, 2007, after a season on UPN's successor, The CW Television Network. Veronica Mars was produced by Warner Bros. Television, Silver Pictures Television, Stu Segall Productions, Inc and Rob Thomas Productions.[1] The executive producers for the first two seasons were Joel Silver and Rob Thomas, and Diane Ruggiero was promoted in the third season.[2]

The series is set in the fictional town of Neptune, California, and stars Kristen Bell as the title character, a student who progresses from high school to college while moonlighting as a private investigator under the tutelage of her detective father. In each episode, Veronica solves a different stand-alone case while working to solve a more complex mystery. The first two seasons of the series had a season-long mystery arc, introduced in the first episode of the season and solved in the season finale. The third season took a different format, focusing on smaller mystery arcs that would last the course of several episodes.

Thomas originally wrote Veronica Mars as a young adult novel, but decided to write a television version because it paid more. He changed the gender of the protagonist from a male because he thought a noir piece told from a female point of view would be more interesting and unique. Filming began in March 2004,[3] and the series premiered in September to 2.49 million American viewers.[4] The critically acclaimed first season's run of 22 episodes garnered an average of 2.5 million viewers per episode in the United States.

Veronica Mars appeared on a number of fall television best lists, and garnered several awards and nominations. During the series' run, it was nominated for two Satellite Awards, four Saturn Awards, five Teen Choice Awards and was featured on AFI's TV Programs of the Year for 2005. Following the cancellation of the series at the 2007 CW Upfront, Thomas began writing a feature film script continuing the series. Although Thomas finished the script, Warner Bros. opted not to fund the project.

Contents

Season synopses

Season one

Thomas felt that Amanda Seyfried was so good in the series that he used her three or four more times than he initially planned in the first season.[5]

The first season revolves around Veronica Mars, a high school student and private investigator in the fictional Southern California seaside town of Neptune. As the daughter of well-respected County Sheriff Keith Mars, Veronica's biggest problem was getting dumped by her boyfriend, Duncan Kane, until the murder of her best friend Lilly Kane. After Lilly's murder, Veronica's life falls apart. Keith accuses Lilly's father, popular software billionaire Jake Kane, of being involved in the murder. This provokes Neptune's wrath and Keith's ousting as sheriff in a recall election, replaced by Don Lamb. Veronica's mother, Lianne, develops a drinking problem and leaves town. Veronica's "09er" friends—wealthy students from the fictional 90909 ZIP code—force her to choose between them and her father; Veronica chooses her father. After being voted out as sheriff, Keith opens a private investigation agency, Mars Investigations, where Veronica works part-time. Veronica helps her father solve cases and conducts her own investigations on behalf of friends and acquaintances at school.

Veronica discovers new evidence which suggests that Abel Koontz, the man imprisoned after confessing to Lilly's murder, is innocent. As Veronica delves deeper into the murder case, she also works on other investigations, seeks her mother's whereabouts and deals with the aftermath of being drugged and raped during an "09er" party. Veronica, no longer part of the school's wealthy in-crowd, makes some new friends: Wallace Fennel, Neptune High basketball star; Eli "Weevil" Navarro, leader of the PCHers, a Latino biker gang; and Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie, Neptune High's resident computer genius. Using her friends' resources, as well as those provided by her father and his contacts, Veronica gains a reputation for sleuthing and finds her skills in increasingly high demand at her school. Things get more complicated when Veronica falls into a relationship with Lilly's ex-boyfriend Logan Echolls, who for a time held Veronica partly responsible for Lilly's death and went out of his way to harass her.

Season two

Charisma Carpenter appeared in ten episodes of the second season as Kendall Casablancas.

The second season begins with the introduction of two new cases: a bus accident that kills several of Veronica's classmates, and the death of PCH biker gang member Felix Toombs. A school bus boarded with six Neptune High students and a teacher plunges off a cliff, killing almost everyone on board. Veronica, who was supposed to be on the bus, makes it her mission to discover why the bus crashed. Logan picks a fight with Weevil and the PCHers and ends up accused of killing Toombs, a charge he denies. Partway through the season, Weevil becomes convinced of Logan's innocence and they team up to find the real killer. This season shows Veronica's life returning to much the way it had been before Lilly's death: having broken up with Logan during the summer, she reunites with Duncan and is somewhat accepted by the '09ers. However, her private-eye sideline and tough persona keep her from being truly assimilated back into the rich crowd. '09ers Dick Casablancas and Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas deal with a gold-digging stepmother, Kendall Casablancas, with whom they are left when their father flees the country while under investigation for real estate fraud. Wallace discovers that his biological father is alive, and takes a romantic interest in Jackie Cook.

Season three

In the third season Veronica, Logan, Wallace, Mac and Dick are freshmen at Neptune's Hearst College. Two new regular main characters are introduced: Stosh "Piz" Piznarski and Parker Lee, who are the respective roommates of Wallace and Mac. The first mystery is established when Parker becomes a victim of the Hearst serial rapist, a storyline begun in the second season. Feeling guilty for not helping her, and remembering her past rape, Veronica sets herself the task of catching the rapist. The next mystery, the murder of the College's Dean, commences in the same episode the rapist is caught. During the season, Keith begins an adulterous affair with a married client, Wallace struggles to balance academics and sports, Mac begins dating again after previous failed relationships, and Dick has a breakdown and appeals to Logan for help. The season also chronicles Veronica and Logan's failing attempts to maintain their relationship in the face of Veronica's increasing mistrust.

Cast and characters

The main characters of the third season from left to right: Weevil, Parker, Wallace, Piz, Veronica, Keith, Logan, Dick, Mac and Don.

The first season had seven regular characters. Kristen Bell portrayed the titular Veronica Mars, a high school junior and skilled private detective. Teddy Dunn played Duncan Kane, Veronica's ex-boyfriend and Lilly's brother. Jason Dohring played Logan Echolls, the "bad-boy" 09er, the son of an A-list actor. Percy Daggs III portrayed Wallace Fennel, Veronica's best friend and frequent partner in solving mysteries. Francis Capra portrayed Eli "Weevil" Navarro, the leader of the PCH Biker gang and Veronica's friend. Enrico Colantoni played Veronica's father Keith Mars, a private investigator and former Balboa County Sheriff. Sydney Tamiia Poitier played Mallory Dent, Veronica's journalism teacher at Neptune High.[6] Although she was given series regular billing, Poitier appeared in only four episodes, but was given credit for seven. Poitier's removal from the series was rumored to be due to budget issues.[7]

Thomas, who said he "conceive[d] the show as a one-year mystery", decided that he needed to introduce and eliminate several characters to be able to create an "equally fascinating mystery" for the series' second season. Thomas felt that he could not bring back the Kanes and the Echolls and "have them all involved in a new mystery"; he needed "new blood".[8] The second season saw the introduction of Tessa Thompson as Jackie Cook, a romantic interest of Wallace and daughter of a famous baseball player. Previous recurring characters Dick Casablancas and Cassidy "Beaver" Casablancas were upgraded to series regulars. Dick, played by Ryan Hansen, was an 09er friend of Logan, a womanizer and former high-school bully turned frat boy. Kyle Gallner portrayed "Beaver", Dick's introverted younger brother.[9] Dunn, who portrayed Duncan Kane, left the series midway through the season.[10] Thomas explained that the Logan-Veronica-Duncan love triangle had run its course, and to keep the series fresh, there would need to be "other guys in her life". He attributed Dunn's removal to fan interest dominating the Logan-Veronica relationship,[11] saying "it became clear that one suitor won out".[12]

The third season introduced two new series regulars, Parker Lee and Stosh "Piz" Piznarski. Julie Gonzalo portrayed Parker, Mac's extroverted roommate at Hearst College and "everything that Mac is not".[12] Piz, played by Chris Lowell, was Wallace's roommate at Hearst College and a music lover with his own campus radio show. Piz was named after the director of the pilot, Mark Piznarski. The character's role was to have another male friend for Veronica who was middle-class, and not upper-class. Thomas used the radio show as a narrative device to capture the mood of the university.[13] Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie and Don Lamb, recurring characters in the first two seasons, were upgraded to series regulars. Mac, portrayed by Tina Majorino, was a computer expert befriended by Veronica. Lamb, portrayed by Michael Muhney, was the Balboa County Sheriff who won the office from Keith in the recall election.[12]

Production

Conception

Rob Thomas originally wrote Veronica Mars as a young adult novel for publishing company Simon & Schuster. Prior to his first television job on Dawson's Creek, Thomas sold two novel ideas. One of these was provisionally titled Untitled Rob Thomas Teen Detective Novel, which formed the basis for the series. The novel had many elements similar to Veronica Mars, however the protagonist was male. Thomas's father was a vice-principal at Westlake High School in Austin, Texas, and the main character attended a "thinly disguised version" of the school. As Thomas had begun writing for film and television, he did not resume his teen detective idea for several years. Writing a novel could take months for Thomas, whereas a television script only took several weeks. Knowing that television scripts paid more, Thomas wrote the television version of the teen detective project as a spec script before it became a novel. Since no studio or network had asked him to write it, and he would not get paid unless it sold, Thomas said that "it was never a very pressing project for me". Tinkering with it from time to time, Thomas wrote project notes a year before he actually started writing the television script. Most of his original ideas made it into the script, but some changed drastically. Thomas wanted to use flashbacks, and he had to shorten the timeline so that the murder could happen in a recent time.[14] Thomas changed the gender of the protagonist because he thought a noir piece told from a female point of view would be more interesting and unique.[15]

Casting

Teddy Dunn, who portrayed Duncan Kane, originally auditioned for the role of Logan.

Kristen Bell was chosen to play Veronica Mars from more than 500 women who auditioned for the role. Bell felt that it was "just luck" that Rob Thomas saw that "I have some sass to me, and that's exactly what he wanted". Bell thought that it was her cheerleader looks and an outsider's attitude that set her apart from the other women who auditioned.[16] Jason Dohring, who played Logan Echolls, originally auditioned for the role of Duncan Kane. Teddy Dunn originally auditioned for Logan, but ended up portraying Duncan Kane.[17] Dohring felt that his audition for Duncan "was a little dark",[17] and he was told by the producers that it was "not really right".[18] The producers asked Dohring to read for the role of Logan, which involved reading Duncan's lines. Dohring acted one scene from the pilot, in which he shattered the headlights of a car with a crowbar. During the final auditions, Dohring read two times with Bell and met with the studio and the network. When reading with Bell, Dohring acted the whole scene as if he had raped her, and tried to give the character an evil and fun feel.[18] At the time of Dohring's audition for Logan, the character was only going to be a guest star in the pilot.[17]

Percy Daggs III auditioned for the role of Wallace Fennel two times before being cast, and he had to go through three tests with the studio and network executives. During his first audition, Daggs read four scenes from the pilot. Just before his studio test, Daggs read with Bell and had "a great conversation". He said that she "made me feel comfortable about auditioning" and was a big reason why he became more comfortable playing Wallace as the season went on.[19] Thomas described Amanda Seyfried, who portrayed the murdered Lilly Kane, as "the biggest surprise of the year". When casting a series regular, he was able to see all the best actors in town, mainly because they all wanted to be a series regular. When casting Lilly Kane, who would only appear from time-to-time as "the dead girl", Thomas did not receive the same level of actors. Thomas said that he had "never had a more cut and dry audition" than he did with Seyfried. He said that she was "about 100 times better than anyone else that we saw, she was just spectacular". He continued by saying that she ended up being so good in the series that he used her three or four more times than he initially planned.[5]

Writing and format

"To service a 22-episode mystery, you have to have a large playing field. To service a 9-episode mystery, we can keep that tighter, more focused. Instead of having 12 people who can be in the running for the villain, there might be five in one of those mysteries. I think it will be much cleaner. I think it will also give a new audience more jumping-in points."
— Series creator Rob Thomas on the change of format for the third season.[12]

Episodes have a distinct structure: Veronica solves a different "case of the week" while continually trying to solve a season-long mystery.[20] The first two seasons of Veronica Mars have a season-long mystery arc, which is introduced in the first episode of the season and solved in the finale. The third season takes on a different format, focusing on smaller mystery arcs that last the course of several episodes.[21] During the first season, Thomas was unsure if the success of the series was attributed to the "case of the week" each episode, or the overarching story. He realized that fans were cool with the "case of the week", but came back for the ongoing mystery.[8] Thomas felt that Bell had been overworked in the first season, and the mystery involving Logan and Weevil in the second season was an attempt to give her some time off. He said that the mystery arcs of the second season had "way too many suspects, way too many red herrings", and that the third season needed a change.[12]

The third season was initially planned to include three separate mysteries that would be introduced and resolved in a series of non-overlapping story arcs.[12] Thomas realized by talking to CW Entertainment President Dawn Ostroff that viewers got too confused by his original format, and the new format would allow new viewers to start watching at any point in the season.[10] Inspired by the improvised thriller Bubble, Thomas started laying "subtle" motives for the second mystery during the first one, so that fans would have "a theory on whodunit" when it occurred.[13] The first mystery took place over the first nine episodes. Originally, the second mystery was to be seven episodes long and the third mystery was to occur over the last six episodes of the season.[12] This was changed when The CW ordered a 20 episode season instead of the usual 22 episodes.[22] The second mystery arc was shortened from seven episodes to six,[23] and the third mystery was first changed from a six episode arc to a five episode arc. After an eight-week hiatus for the series was announced, the final mystery was changed to five stand-alone episodes designed to be friendlier to new viewers.[24] The final mystery was originally going to be "unlike any of the others we've done before". Previously, "nice characters" like Wallace and Mac had always been absent from the big mystery because no one was going to believe them as a suspect. For the third mystery, Thomas had wanted to present a situation where Wallace and Mac could be fully involved, "key players [with] really interesting stuff to do".[13]

Filming

The original pilot filmed was darker in tone than the one aired. Thomas intended to take the script to FX, HBO or Showtime, but gave UPN "credit" as they only wanted it a bit lighter to match their standards and practices. There was also a lengthy debate as to whether Veronica could be a rape victim; UPN eventually consented.[14] In the aired version of the pilot, Lilly Kane was found by the pool in the same spot where she was murdered. However, Thomas stated that Lilly's body was originally going to be found in the ocean, and he had a plan for events which led to Lilly's body being dumped. When Thomas pitched the idea to UPN, the network felt that it was "too dark and creepy" for Jake Kane to dispose of his daughter's body to protect his son, and the idea was changed.[5]

Many of the series' scenes were filmed at Stu Segall Productions in San Diego, California.[25] Producer Paul Kurta said that most of the scenes taking place in Neptune were filmed in Oceanside, California. Kurta liked that it was "a seaside town that still feels like middle-class people live there ... Most of the seaside towns feel resort driven."[3] It was estimated that the series spent $44 million a year shooting each season in San Diego, which made more than half of the revenue generated by film production in the area in 2006.[26]

The setting of Neptune High, which was featured in the first two seasons, was also located in Oceanside. The school, Oceanside High School, was paid $7,750 by Stu Segall Productions for the use of the campus and extras.[3] The series' third season setting of Hearst College was mostly filmed on the campuses of San Diego State University,[27] University of San Diego,[28] and the University of California, San Diego.[29] Filming locations were chosen by the director and by production designer Alfred Sole. Sole reportedly "really liked the look and feel of the school", and San Diego State University invited the series with "open arms".[27] Taping at the university led to financial and employment benefits for the university and its students. Alumni worked as crewmembers while students worked as actors; half of the third season extras were students from the university's film department.[27]

Music

"We Used to Be Friends" by The Dandy Warhols was used as the series' theme song. Composer Josh Kramon was originally going to produce a noir version of an '80s song for the theme. However, Rob Thomas was "pretty much set on finding a song", and "We Used to Be Friends" was chosen right from the beginning.[30] This theme was considered by TV critic Samantha Holloway to be one of "the five most recognizable, sing-along-able, memorable and best theme songs."[31] In the third season, the theme song was remixed in a softer piano style with dark and vibrant electronic beats to reflect the more noir-influenced opening credits.[32]

Kramon wrote the original background music to convey the film noir themes. For the pilot, Thomas wanted "a really atmospheric, kind of modern noir type of vibe", and Kramon used sounds similar to that of Air and Zero 7. Kramon used "traditional sounds" for the series, but also processed and filtered them. Among the instruments used were piano, vibraphone and guitar. When using an acoustic piano, Kramon would use compression so that it did not sound like a traditional piano. Live bass and percussion was also used, as Kramon did not like to program them. The main instrument used was guitar, but Kramon felt that piano was "by far the most important instrument for working on TV shows, especially when you're doing everything yourself."[30]

A week before choosing the sounds for the episodes, the crew had a "spotting session", where they would discuss with Thomas and the producers which type of music was going to be featured. Kramon did not decide the songs to be featured, but composed and created the whole score. Since there was little orchestral music, and Kramon could play guitar, piano, bass and drums, he played the whole score without hiring a musician.[30] Veronica Mars: Original Television Soundtrack, a song compilation from the series' first and second seasons, was released by Nettwerk Records on September 27, 2005.[33] Thomas revealed that the primary goal for the soundtrack was to "get more publicity, which will in turn hopefully get more viewers for the show".[34]

Cancellation and future

Enrico Colantoni, who played Veronica's father Keith Mars, expressed interest in the film adaption of the series.

In January 2007, Dawn Ostroff announced that while she was pleased with the gradual ratings improvement of Veronica Mars, the series would be put on hiatus after the February sweeps to air a new reality series, Pussycat Dolls Present. When the hiatus ended, the series returned for the last five episodes of the season with non-serialized plotlines.[35] At the 2007 CW Upfront, Ostroff announced that Veronica Mars was not part of the new primetime lineup and was "not coming back". Thomas created a trailer that took place four years after the third season finale, with the working title "Veronica in the FBI", and released it on the third season DVD.[36] When asked if the FBI concept could happen, Ostroff said that the series was probably completely gone "in any form". Ostroff also said that Kristen Bell and Rob Thomas might collaborate on another project for the CW network, although it was unclear if this would be related to Veronica Mars or not.[37] In June 2007, TV Guide writer Michael Ausiello confirmed that the cancellation of Veronica Mars was official.[38]

Film

Thomas stated that he was interested in writing a feature film based on the series, in the interest of providing closure to the story lines and character arcs. In September 2008, Michael Ausiello, writing for Entertainment Weekly, reported that Thomas still planned to make a film, even though he was busy with other projects. He met with Bell to discuss the plot, which would likely involve Veronica solving crime in college rather than as an FBI agent. Thomas felt that the "FBI scenario was more of a 'What if...?'", aimed at getting a fourth season, and that he "would want to bring back our key players, and it would be tough to believe that the FBI stationed Veronica in Neptune."[39] Ausiello later reported that Enrico Colantoni would be involved in the project. Colantoni said that he was fully aware of the talks taking place, adding, "cult shows have translated well into the film arena. Nothing's official, but they're talking about it."[40] In addition to the feature-film possibility, Thomas has had a meeting with DC Comics to talk about a Veronica Mars comic book series.[41]

In September 2008, Thomas told Entertainment Weekly that "I thought I had the idea broken, but I've hit a wall in the final act that I haven't quite figured out". Thomas exclaimed that he was very busy writing for Cupid and Party Down, both of which he created.[40] In January 2009, TV Guide reported that the film was Thomas' first priority after Cupid. Thomas noted that as well as writing the script, someone would need to pay for the film, but indicated that producer Joel Silver was ready to green-light the film.[42] In June 2009, Bell said "I don't think it will ever happen, and here's why: [Series creator] Rob Thomas and I had a powwow, and we were both 100 percent on board. We took our proposal to Warner Bros. and Joel Silver told us that there is no enthusiasm [there] to make a Veronica Mars movie, and that is unfortunately a roadblock we cannot compete with."[43] At the 2010 TCA Winter Press Tour, Rob Thomas stated that the movie won't be happening, "I would write it if anyone would finance it. If anyone's interested in making that movie I am available, Kristen's [Bell] available. I would love to do it. I think the closest we came was Joel [Silver] pushing it at Warner Bros. and they didn't bite. It has sort of gone away."[44]

Impact

Ratings

Below, "rank" refers to how well Veronica Mars rated compared to other television series which aired during primetime hours of the corresponding television season. The television season tends to begin in September, of any given year, and end during the May of the following year. "Viewers" refers to the average number of viewers for all original episodes, broadcast during the television season in the series' regular timeslot. "Rank" is shown in relation to the total number of series airing on the six/five major English-language networks in a given season. The "season premiere" is the date that the first episode of the season aired. Similarly, the "season finale" is the date that the final episode of the season aired.

Season Timeslot (EDT) Network Season Premiere Season Finale TV Season Rank/
total series
Viewers
(in millions)
1 Tuesday 9:00 P.M. (September 22, 2004–May 10, 2005) UPN September 22, 2004 May 10, 2005 2004–2005 #148/156 2.5[45]
2 Wednesday 9:00 P.M. (September 28, 2005–April 5, 2006)
Tuesday 9:00 P.M. (April 11, 2006–May 9, 2006)
UPN September 28, 2005 May 9, 2006 2005–2006 #145/156 2.3[46]
3 Tuesday 9:00 P.M. (October 3, 2006–May 15, 2007)
Tuesday 8:00 P.M. (May 22, 2007)
The CW October 3, 2006 May 22, 2007 2006–2007 #138/142 2.5[47]

Critical reception

Kristen Bell's performance as Veronica Mars was praised, and several critics felt that she was overlooked and deserved an Emmy Award nomination.[48][49][50]

Although not a ratings success, the series was a critical success from its first season. Robert Abele of LA Weekly said "in this smart, engaging series about a former popular girl turned crime-solving high school outcast, the hard-boiled dialogue comes from its teen protagonist's mouth in a way that stabs any potential cutesiness in the heart with an ice pick."[51] In her review, Paige Weiser of the Chicago Sun Times said that "on Veronica Mars, wholesome is out; gritty reality is in. The show never soft-pedals the timeless, fundamental truth that high school is hell."[52] Joyce Millman of The Phoenix felt that the series was "a character study masquerading as a high-school drama."[53] Joy Press of The Village Voice saw the series as "a sharp teen noir in the making. Tinged with class resentment and nostalgia for Veronica's lost innocence, this series pulses with promise."[54] Michael Abernethy of PopMatters said that "intrigue, drama, and humor, Veronica Mars is also a lesson book for the disenfranchised. Few TV series aim so high; even fewer succeed so well."[55] James Poniewozik of Time labeled it as one of the six best dramas on television. He praised Bell as "a captivating star," and said that the series "uses its pulp premise to dramatize a universal teen experience: that growing up means sleuthing out the mystery of who you really are."[56] Kay McFadden of The Seattle Times called the series an update to the "classic California film noir." She felt that Veronica Mars was the best new series on UPN, and that the title character was potentially "this season's most interesting character creation." McFadden described the series as "Alias in its attitude, Raymond Chandler in its writing and The O.C. in its class-consciousness."[57] Stephanie Zacharek of Salon.com praised the first season finale for being "just the sort of satisfying capper you look for in a series that, week after week, keeps you asking questions."[58]

Veronica Mars was also positively received by other writers. Joss Whedon, who made a guest appearance in the second season episode "Rat Saw God", said that it was the "Best. Show. Ever. Seriously, I've never gotten more wrapped up in a show I wasn't making, and maybe even more than those [...] These guys know what they're doing on a level that intimidates me. It's the Harry Potter of shows."[59][60] Kevin Smith, who guest starred in the episode "Driver Ed," said that Veronica Mars was "hands-down, the best show on television right now, and proof that TV can be far better than cinema."[61] Stephen King described the series as "Nancy Drew meets Philip Marlowe, and the result is pure nitro. Why is Veronica Mars so good? It bears little resemblance to life as I know it, but I can't take my eyes off the damn thing."[62] Ed Brubaker called it "the best mystery show ever made in America."[63]

Despite being a critical success throughout its run, criticisms began to emerge of the series in its third season. Keith McDuffee of TV Squad described the third season as "disappointing," mainly because the episodes offered nothing new: "most fans of Veronica Mars felt that season three was clearly its weakest."[64] Eric Goldman of IGN said that the main issue was the shift in the overall tone, with a lighter feeling than the previous seasons. He felt that Logan had been most affected by the tone change, robbed of his darker aspects and changed into an "increasingly extraneous character." Goldman felt that despite the concerns over final five episodes, the series ended with "three very strong episodes, with lots of strong dialogue and Veronica proving again just how tough she can be, and what a strong character she is." Goldman concluded that although the third season "was very choppy," it still had "plenty of witty dialogue and a continually engaging performance by Kristen Bell as the title character."[21] The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette opined that Veronica Mars had taken a dive "creatively," from "the mopier version of its theme song to stalled storylines." The reviewer felt that "the arcing mysteries had grown less convincing and compelling as time went on and were too drawn out."[65] Fox News Channel's Bridget Byrne pointed out that Veronica had "gone from punky to-dare we say-preppy" in the third season. Byrne further explained that "with her quick, bright wit and sharp eye for life's darker moments [Veronica] has left high school and is going to college, doffing her dark threads and spiked tresses for something a little more stylish."[66]

The series, described as a "critical darling," appeared on a number of fall television best lists.[67] In 2005, the series was featured on AFI's TV Programs of the Year,[68] and on the lists of MSN TV,[69] The Village Voice, the Chicago Tribune, People Weekly and the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.[70] It was named the second best series by Ain't It Cool News, fourth best returning series by Time, fifth best series by Newsday, PopMatters and San Jose Mercury-News, and sixth best by Entertainment Weekly and USA Today.[70] In 2006, the series was ranked number one on the lists of Ain't It Cool News and the Chicago Sun-Times, and was ranked number six by Metacritic.[71][72] In 2008, British film magazine Empire ranked Veronica Mars number 48 in their list of the "50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time." The magazine said that "smart storylines and witty riffs on pop culture pepper the scripts, while Kristen Bell lent ballsy charm to the title role and ensured that every episode of the show's three seasons was television gold. Its untimely cancellation was a slap in the face that still smarts to this day." Empire named "Not Pictured" the best episode of the series.[73]

Fandom

Veronica Mars has attracted a loyal and dedicated fan base which includes internet communities.[74] A group of fans calling themselves the "Cloud Watchers" organized several campaigns to bring more viewers to the series to ensure its continuation. The group hired a plane to fly over the CW offices, carrying a banner reading "Renew Veronica Mars." The group hired street teams in New York, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, and Chicago to distribute 30,000 fliers advertising the series' return after its midseason hiatus in the third season. The "Cloud Watchers" raised $50,000 in donations and through the sale of Veronica Mars clothing and tchotchkes.[75] Upon the cancellation of the series, fans sent more than 10,000 Mars Bars to the CW,[73] hoping that the network would reverse its decision and renew the series. Rob Thomas thanked the fans of the series for their efforts, saying "I love those people and they have been so good to me, but it's not going to happen."[41]

Awards and nominations

Year Award Recipient Result
2004 Saturn Award for Best Television Actress Kristen Bell Nomination[76]
2005 American Film Institute Award for Television Programs of the Year Won[68]
Satellite Award for Outstanding Actress in a Series, Drama Kristen Bell Nomination[77]
Saturn Award for Best Television Actress Kristen Bell Won[78]
Saturn Award for Best Network Television Series Nomination[79]
Teen Choice Award for Choice TV Breakout Show Nomination[80]
Teen Choice Award for Choice TV Breakout Performance, Female Kristen Bell Nomination[80]
Television Critics Association Awards for Outstanding New Program of the Year Nomination[81]
Television Critics Association Awards for Individual Achievement in Drama Kristen Bell Nomination[81]
2006 Family Television Award for Favorite Father/Daughter Kristen Bell, Enrico Colantoni Won[82]
International Cinematographers Guild Publicists Award for The Maxwell Weinberg
Publicist Showmanship Award for Television
Nomination[83]
Satellite Award for Actress in a Series, Drama Kristen Bell Nomination[84]
Saturn Award for Best Actress on Television Kristen Bell Nomination[85]
Teen Choice Award for Choice TV Actress: Drama/Action Adventure Kristen Bell Nomination[86]
Teen Choice Award for Choice TV Sidekick Percy Daggs III Nomination[87]
Teen Choice Award for Choice TV Parental Unit Enrico Colantoni Nomination[87]
Writers Guild of America Award for Episodic Drama Rob Thomas for "Normal Is the Watchword" Nomination[88]
2007 Writers Guild of America Award for On-Air Promotion (Radio or Television) Nomination[89]

Distribution

International

The CTV Television Network began airing Veronica Mars in Canada as a mid-season replacement on May 30, 2005.[90][91] CTV decided not to pick up the second season, which began broadcast by Sun TV on July 18, 2006.[92] The third season was simulcast in Canada by Fox 44.[93]

Subscription channel Living began showing the series in the United Kingdom in October 2005,[94] averaging 50,000 viewers per episode for its first season.[95] The channel began airing the second season on June 8, 2006,[96] airing one episode per week rather than showing one every night as they did in the first season.[97] Despite low ratings in the second season, Living decided to air the series' third season.[98]. Free-to-air channel E4 began broadcasting the series from July 16, 2009.[99]

Veronica Mars premiered in Australia by Network Ten on November 28, 2005, where the series saw erratic airings.[100][101] TV2 began showing the series in New Zealand on July 15, 2005,[102] and has shown all three seasons since.[103]

DVD releases

The first season of Veronica Mars was released in the US under the title Veronica Mars: The Complete First Season as a widescreen six-disc Region 1 DVD box set on October 11, 2005.[104] In addition to all the episodes that had been aired, DVD extras included an extended "Pilot" episode, over 20 minutes of unaired scenes and an unaired opening sequence.[20] The same set was released on May 16, 2008 in Region 2,[105] and on June 4, 2008 in Region 4.[106]

The second season was released in the US under the title Veronica Mars: The Complete Second Season as a widescreen six-disc Region 1 DVD box set on August 22, 2006,[107] Region 2 on August 15, 2008,[108] and Region 4 on September 8, 2008.[109] In addition to all the aired episodes, DVD extras included two featurettes: "A Day on the Set with Veronica Mars" and "Veronica Mars: Not Your Average Teen Detective", a gag reel, a promo trailer for the third season and additional scenes, including an alternate ending to "My Mother, the Fiend".[9]

The third season was released in the US under the title Veronica Mars: The Complete Third Season as a widescreen six-disc Region 1 DVD box set on October 23, 2007,[110] Region 2 on December 12, 2008,[111] and Region 4 on February 11, 2009.[112] In addition to all the aired episodes, DVD extras included "Pitching Season 4", an interview with Rob Thomas discussing a new direction for the series that picks up years later, with Veronica as a rookie FBI agent; "Going Undercover with Rob Thomas"; webisode gallery with cast interviews and various set tours; unaired scenes with introductions by Rob Thomas; and a gag reel.[113]

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  111. ^ "Veronica Mars - The Complete Third Season". Amazon Germany. http://www.amazon.de/Veronica-Mars-komplette-dritte-Staffel/dp/B001HUGYMA/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1226835199&sr=1-3. Retrieved 2008-11-16. 
  112. ^ "Veronica Mars - The Complete 3rd Season (6 Disc Set)". EzyDVD. http://www.ezydvd.com.au/item.zml/803700. Retrieved 2009-04-02. 
  113. ^ Porter, Rick (October 23, 2007). "DVD Review: Veronica Mars, Season Three". Tribune Media Services. http://www.zap2it.com/dvd/zap-dvdreview-veronicamars-s3,0,6395187.story. Retrieved 2008-09-17. 

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Veronica Mars (2004-2007) is a television program on The CW Television Network, created by Rob Thomas. The series premiered on September 22, 2004, during UPN's last two years, and ended on May 22, 2007 after a season on The CW.

Please read Veronica Mars/Format for notes on how to use and edit this article.
Season 1 Season 2 Season 3
Pilot Normal Welcome Wagon
Credit Driver Ed Big Fat Greek
John Smith Cheatty Linebacker
Wrath of Con Monster Charlie
You Think Blast/Past Pres. Evil
Return Kane Rat Saw God Infidelity
Girl Next Door In a Corner Vice & Men
Like a Virgin Ahoy, Mateys! Lord of the Pi’s
Kool-Aid My Mother Spit & Eggs
Christmas Angry Veronica The Monkey
Silent Lamb Donut Run Poughkeepsie
The Tritons White Castle Morning After
Lord of the Bling Magic Mountain Postgame
Mars vs. Mars Versatile Mars, Bars
Ruskie Business Quick & Wed Papa's Cabin
Betty & Veronica Rapes of Graff Un-American
Kanes & Abel’s Plan B Debasement
Weapons I Am God Next Summer
Hot Dogs Nevermind Weevils Wobble
M.A.D. Who’s Stalking Bitch Is Back
Trip to the Dentist Happy Go Lucky Cast
Leave It to Beaver Not Pictured External links

Season 1

Pilot

Veronica:[overvoice] I'm never getting married. You want an absolute...well there it is. Veronica Mars: Spinster

[Mrs. Murphy catches Vernonica napping in her class.]
Mrs. Murphy: Congratulations, you're my volunteer. Pope. An Essay on Man. Epistle I.
Veronica: "Hope springs eternal in the human breast; Man never Is, but always to be blest: the soul, uneasy and confined from home, rests and expatiates in a life to come."
Mrs. Murphy: And what do you suppose Pope meant by that?
Veronica: Life's a bitch until you die.

Veronica: Logan Echolls. Every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He's ours.

Eli "Weevil" Navarro: Sister. The only time I care what a woman has to say is when she's riding my big old hog. Even then, it's not so much words, just a bunch of "oohs" and "ahs" you know?
Veronica Mars: So it's big huh?
Weevil: Legendary.
Veronica: Well , lets see it. I mean if it's as big as you say, I'll be your girlfriend. [bats eyes and gasps] We could go to prom together. What? What seems to be the problem? I'm on a schedule here vato.
Felix Toombs: Weevil, don't let blondie talk to you like that.
Veronica: Sounds like your buddy here wants to see it too.
Felix: Oh, hell, I'll show you mine!
Vice Principle Clemmons: Felix Toombs. What on God's green Earth is going on here? All right, gentleman, move along. [Weevil, Felix and others leave] Veronica, why does trouble follow you around? [Clemmons leaves]

Lamb: You need to go see the wizard. Ask him for some guts.

Veronica: Let's go.
Wallace: Hey, FloJo, slow your ass down.

Fire Chief: [about Veronica] Well, if it isn't Smokey the Barely Legal.

Wallace: That might play with the masses, but underneath that angry young woman shell, there's a slightly less angry young woman who's just dying to bake me something. You're a marshmallow, Veronica Mars. A twinkie!

Logan: Hey, Veronica Mars. Do you know what your little joke cost me?
Veronica: Well, I'm pretty sure you won't be getting your bong back.
Logan: [smashes a headlight] Wrong answer. Would you care to guess again?
Veronica: Clearly your sense of humor.
Logan: [smashes other headlight] Nope. And you're usually so good at pop quizzes. No, the correct answer is: my car. That's right, my Daddy took my T-bird away. And you know what I won't be having? Fun, fun, fun.

Wallace: I suddenly feel like I'm in a scene from The Outsiders.
Veronica: Be cool, Sodapop.

Veronica: You know what they say about Veronica Mars: she's a marshmellow.

Credit Where Credit's Due

Wallace: Another big Friday night. You got plans?
Veronica: I don't know. I might take Backup for a run or rent a movie, maybe.
Wallace: Hey, congratulations. You are officially Neptune High's most boring person.
Veronica: Did I mention the movie might be PG-13?
Wallace: Oh, jump back, wild child!
Veronica: What about you, Wallace? Your life still a non-stop Nelly video?
Wallace: Hey, at least I want my life to be a non-stop Nelly video.

Veronica: I gotta run. The counselor wants to see me before class.
Keith: About what?
Veronica: Uh, my schedule and my attitude, not necessarily in that order. Her words.

Ms. Dent: Can I help you with something?
Veronica: Uh, yeah. The counceller stuck me in here. [Ms. Dent walks over to take informational papers from her] She says I'm disconnected and Passionless.
Caitlin: Ms. Dent?
Ms. Dent: Caitlin?
Caitlin: I'm gonna go down to the gym to talk to people for the student poll.
Ms. Dent: Be back by the end of the period. And remember that we're a multicultural school with a diverse population of students from a wide range of socio-economic backgrounds.
Caitlin: Meaning?
Ms. Dent: Meaning don't just interview your friends.

Veronica: I printed out the entire browser history from Logan Echolls' computer in his fourth period computer lab class.
Wallace: So is he guilty?
Veronica: Well, of wanting desperately to see pictures of Alyssa Milano naked, yes.

Troy: Flat?
Veronica: Just as God made me.
Troy: Are you always this persnickety?
Veronica: Sometimes I'm even persnicketier.

Veronica: [voiceover] They gave me a choice. I could stand by my dad, or stand by Duncan and my dead best friend's family. I chose Dad. It's a decision I live with every day. And you want to know the kicker? I don't even know what's true anymore. Maybe everyone else is right. Maybe Dad screwed up the investigation. Maybe I gave up my circle of friends - my life - over an error in Dad's judgment.

Troy: Well a wise man once said that a 'No' is like a 'Yes' except with different letters and arranged in a different order and spoken out loud but, you know, it disappears on the wind.

Meet John Smith

Troy: Guess what I'm doing this weekend.
Veronica: I'm guessing it involves autoeroticism.

Keith: Have you been playing nice with the other children?
Veronica: You know Dad, I'm old school, an eye for an eye.
Keith: I think that's actually Old Testament.

Wallace: Hi, sir. Wallace Fennel.
Veronica: [boastfully] Wallace is a friend of mine. (Veronica performs a martial arts gesture with her hands.)Take that, high school guidance counselor.

Keith: So how did she rope you into this?
Wallace: She promised me all the answer keys to… just promised to be my friend.
Keith: I'd have held out for a better offer.

Wallace: You called your geometry teacher a jackass?
Veronica: That's totally taken out of context. Let me see it.

Troy: Let me see your phone.
Veronica: What are you doing?
[He adds his phone number to her phone.]
Troy: It is now booty-call enabled.

Keith: It's just that I never want you to think your mom's the villain in all this.
Veronica: Isn't she?
Keith: No, it's not that simple.
Veronica: Yeah, it is. The hero is the one that stays and the villain is the one that splits.
Keith: I don't think that's a healthy perspective.
Veronica: It's healthier than me pining away everyday, praying she'll come home.

Veronica: [voiceover] Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything, creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle, and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild. Because after disaster strikes, the important thing is that you move on. But if you're like me, you just keep chasing the storm.

The Wrath of Con

[Veronica arrives home from a date.]
Veronica: So, what did you think of him?
Keith: Oh, hey, you're home early.
Veronica: Oh, hey, did you run his license plate or did you get fingerprints?
Keith: I'm sorry, honey, what?
Veronica: You know you're not fooling me.
Keith: Okay. Veronica, I have no idea what you're talking about. [Veronica scoffs and starts to go to her room] Oh, hey, I forgot to tell you. If he's gonna be kissing my daughter on my porch for eight-and-a-half minutes, I'll need to meet him. Sweet dreams, honey.
Veronica: Is that really necessary?
Keith: He's taking up a lot of daddy/daughter time.

[Lilly arrives in her homecoming dress.]
Logan: I believe Keanu Reeves said it best when he said "Whoa."

Wallace: It's not going to work. You can't take the cool out of me. Look, pocket protector and I'm still full of pimp juice.

Veronica: [pretending to be drunk] They told me this was Sri Lanka! I wanted a coconut toddy!

Veronica: [still pretending to be drunk, to Wallace] I don't feel so good, papa bear!

[Later]

Wallace: "Papa bear"?
Veronica: Never happened.

Wallace: My first college party - drinking piña coladas with a dude and talking about math.

[Playing "I Never"]
Logan: I've never taken matters into my own hand in the boys' locker room after watching the cheerleader tryouts.
[Veronica and Lilly gasp]
Duncan: Dude, you are so dead.
Lilly: Very pervy, Duncan. I'm a little impressed though.
Logan: You must drink, comrade.
Veronica: Please tell me that was before we started dating.
Duncan: [drinking] Of course. I've never, uhm, I've never seen my parents having sex. [Lilly drinks, everyone gasps] No way, no way.
Lilly: Yeah, I went into their room to borrow Mom's black sweater.
Duncan: No, just shut up.
Lilly: Mom was on top of Dad.
Duncan: Oh my God, I don't wanna see this!
Lilly: Hold on a second! She was like this. Watch. She was like this. [moaning] Ohh. Ohh. [yawning] Ohh.
Duncan: Lilly, that is so wrong.
Lilly: I think Dad probably thought so too.

Keith: So, Veronica tells me, uhm, well actually she hasn't told me anything about you.
Troy: Well, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Keith: Neither do I. [both laugh]
Troy: Well, if you have any questions or you know you want a list of references or anything.
Keith: So, you going to the homecoming dance?
Troy: Oh yes, sir, if that's okay with you.
Keith: Oh, of course. And after the dance?
Troy: Well I think that Veronica said that she had to be right home after.
Keith: Yeah, good. And you're gonna stay for the whole dance. I mean, you're not gonna leave early and go to a party or a hotel, and still make it back by curfew?
Troy: No, uh, I mean, the whole point of going to the dance... is to go to the dance.
Keith: Good. Good. So you won't mind then, that I canceled your reservation at the Four Seasons?

Duncan: Oh, my God. They called the cops.
Veronica: They called my dad.
Lilly: This is like, the best dance EVER.

You Think You Know Somebody

Veronica: [to troy] Dude, where's your car?
Veronica: [to Troy, about Logan] Uh, your monkey's gonna have to ride in the back.
Logan: Ha ha. Nice car. God, it must've been a huge cereal box.

Veronica: [voiceover] You know those people who can predict when change is coming in their life? I'm not one of them. Change has a way of just walking up and punching me in the face.

Veronica: So far it's been a whole lot of brick walls, but I talked to my buddy, Earl yesterday, at the impound yard.
Troy: What do I love more? That you have a buddy named Earl or that he works at the impound yard?
Veronica: I'm guessing both. No sign of the Beemer. But he can get you a great deal on a Good Times van.
Troy: I'll pass that on to my Dad when he gets back. Maybe it'll take his mind off of loading his gun.

Veronica: Here's a thought: If Tijuana was Logan's idea, then stealing the car could have been the master plan.
Troy: It was more of a meeting of the minds, if you will.
Veronica: Ah, so what was on the menu for this night of grand debauchery?
Troy: Let's see, uh from eight to nine, we brainstormed on how to overthrow Kim Jong Il. From nine to ten, we deleted the records of the black voters of Florida. After that, it was uh, yeah, it was all donkey shows.
Veronica: Ah, so the usual?
Troy: Pretty much.

[Veronica drags Luke into the bathroom.]
Veronica: We need to talk.
Luke: All right, well does it have to be next to the feminine hygiene machine?

Veronica: I obviously know nothing about relationships.
Keith: But you can bake, and that's important.

Return of the Kane

Duncan: Thanks, Dad. You know, I polled the rest of the soccer team. None of them want to see my junk.
Jake: Well, now you're covered.

Veronica: Tough day?
Keith: [imitating Phillip Marlowe] That ain't the half of it. See, this dame walks in, and you should've seen the getaway sticks on her. Says something's hinky with her old man.
Veronica: [imitating Marlowe] Did ya put the screws to him?
Keith: You ain't kiddin', he sang like a canary.
Veronica: [normal voice] You're in luck, Phillip Marlowe, because it's dessert for dinner night, and I've got a sundae thing set up here.
Keith: [normal voice] If child services finds out about this, they will take you away.
Veronica: Well, that's a risk I'm willing to take.
Keith: Honey, shouldn't we try something at the base of the food pyramid? You know - fruits and vegetables.
Veronica: [gasps] What is that? A maraschino cherry.

Lilly: Check you out, Veronica Mars. You're like a rocker chick now. You and I, we'd have a lot of fun together. Yeah, if, um, if I wasn't dead and stuff.
Veronica: Why are you here?
Lilly: Don't you watch any horror movies? My soul is doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served.
Veronica: Really?
Lilly: Yeah, that, and as kinda a side project, I dispense fashion advice.

Ms. Dent: Good morning, Veronica. I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in covering the election for the student newspaper.
Veronica: Sure, I'll write it up this afternoon.
Ms. Dent: The election's tomorrow.
Veronica: And I can already see the headline: "Brown-Nosing Resumé Packer Wins in a Landslide."

Veronica: I want to find out who this kid is and what room he voted in.
Wallace: And I want a statue of myself in the main lobby - holding a musket, staring down danger. Since we're talking about stuff we want.
Veronica: Please?
Wallace: How hard was that?

The Girl Next Door

Clemmons: Mr. Echolls, I was wondering if I could have a word?
Logan: "Anthropomorphic." All yours, big guy.
Clemmons: Oh. [fake laugh] Your father has generously offered to donate a pair of boots for our school fundraising auction.
Logan: Not the ones made for walking? God, I love those boots.

Logan: They teach you manners in ESL?
Weevil: If I was gonna cheat, don't you think I'd pick somebody smart?
Logan: If you "was gonna"?
Mr. Daniels: Ah, alas, you both get zeroes. No talking during tests.
Logan: I guess Mrs. Daniels ain't giving it up at home, huh?
Mr. Daniels: You know, the glow of your father's wealth and celebrity may be enough to sustain you through high school, Mr. Echolls, but do you know what it will get you in the real world?
Logan: [sarcastically] Please say "high school English teacher." Please say "high school English teacher." [Weevil snickers]
Mr. Daniels: Mr. Navarro. I wonder if you'll find Mr. Echolls so amusing ten years from now - when you're pumping his gas.

Mr Daniels: This is punishment, gentlemen, not party time.
Logan: Well, that would explain the absence of balloon animals.

Veronica: Did you hear something last night?
Keith: What kind of something?
Veronica: Like a loud thump from upstairs.
Keith: I don't know. But you know me, I can sleep through an earthquake. Why?
Veronica: I don't know. It sounded like a falling body. It really freaked me out.
Keith: A falling body?
Veronica: Yes, a falling body.
Keith: Would you describe the sound as "Hitchcockian"?
Veronica: I'm glad you're able to entertain yourself.
Keith: Oh, sweetie, don't sell yourself short. I find you completely entertaining.

Weevil: Sometimes the girls get put off by this old motorcycle jacket thing. Do you think something in suede might make me seem more... accessible?

Veronica: Think I've got a future in the biz?
Keith: I think you've got a future as a highly paid Ivy League-educated executive of some sort who never thinks about private investigation again in her perfect life. Now... let's do something normal fathers and daughters do.
Veronica: Buy me a pony?
Keith: I was thinking I'd watch TV and you'd rub my feet.
Veronica: Hmm. Yeah, that's normal.

Like a Virgin

[Meg]: Veronica? Did you find your clothes? [looks down at the toilet to see Veronica's clothes almost flushed]
Veronica: Well, does this towel make me look fat?
Meg: You need something to wear? [they walk out of school with Veronica wearing a cheerleading uniform] I usually have sweats in my locker. Sorry.
Veronica: No, this is perfect. I just have to resist the urge to do a cartwheel.

Veronica: Is there any way to convert cyphertext to plaintext without initial knowledge of the crypto algorithms?
Computer Teacher: Excuse me?
Veronica: I'm trying to figure out how someone could have overridden the control framework on the school server in order to access everyone's password. Can you help me?
Computer Teacher: Yeah... uh, in real life... I'm actually a gym teacher.

Veronica: You ready to put the hurt on that Pythagorean theorem?
Wallace: You don't even want to mess with me on that today. I just about merked my mom's crazy, no-rent-paying tenant this afternoon.
Veronica: That guy's sleazy, so I hope merked means something bad. You know, my dad's still got that sheriff sheen. He's great at scaring people away.
Wallace: No, I got it covered. [Keith enters the room]
Veronica: Seriously, you should talk to him.
Keith: Am I giving you the birds and bees again, Wallace?

Veronica: [about Keith] Don't worry, it's his specialty. Busting heads and breaking hearts.

Keith: Wallace's mom had a plan, and I didn't want to overstep.
Veronica: Overstepping is your main form of transportation.

Veronica: Oh, God.
Mac: What?
Veronica: My outbox. There's an e-mail from me to my ex-boyfriend.
Mac: Duncan Kane? [Veronica looks at Mac] You used to be all anyone gossiped about. You still are. Just... a different way. So, what does it say?
Veronica: "Dear Duncan, I want you to know that I still love you very much, and I think about you constantly. Everytime I see you, my heart breaks. I need to tell you that when we were dating, I had VD. I hope you didn't catch anything from me." Am I naked? Because in my nightmares, I'm usually naked.

Drinking the Kool-Aid

Keith: It's a waterbed.
Veronica: All right.
Keith: Come on, you've wanted one of these things since, like, you were 5-years-old.
Veronica: I also wanted to marry Vanilla Ice and build the world's largest collection of Z-bots.

Wallace: Hacky sack? The final arena of unquestioned white domination.

Veronica: Dad, you're an ex-cop. You know gangland-enforcer types. Can't you find someone to intimidate the maintenance supe into fixing the hot water problem?

Veronica: [voiceover] Forbidden barn? Check. Implied polygamy? Check. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a cult.

Veronica: [voiceover] Enough already with this mellow "Incense and Peppermints" vibe. Let's break out the mushrooms and dance naked, strap on the goatskull headgear, sacrifice a few infants. Come on people, you're cultists. Start acting like it.

Veronica: [voiceover] Wow, it's bizzaro world. Out here I'm Miss Popular

Veronica: [voiceover] I can't get it out of my mind. Somewhere in Pennsylvania a lab tech is determining if I'm heir to a billion-dollar fortune. It's not about the money. It's about making Jake Kane pay. But if I am an heiress, [Southern accent] as God is my witness, I'll never take cold showers again!

An Echolls Family Christmas

Veronica: I'd be the best rich person, seriously. I'd be the perfect combination of frivolous and sensible. Money is so wasted on the wealthy.

Veronica: Someone stole your laptop?
Duncan: There was this poker game at Logan's last night. Weevil won five grand and someone stole the money. This is his way of collecting.
Veronica: You lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas.
Duncan: I didn't invite him.
Veronica: I wasn't talking about Weevil.

Veronica: [tilts head] Hey.
Weevil: See, there you go with that head tilt thing. You know, you think you're all bad-ass, but whenever you need something, it's all [mimics Veronica's head tilt] "Hey."
Veronica: Just be glad I don't flip my hair. I'd own you.

Logan: [to Duncan] What, are we breaking up now? You want your best friend charm back?

Veronica: Look at you, all helpful.
Logan: Hey, your peskiness being unleashed on Connor brings me joy. Annoy, tiny blonde one! Annoy like the wind!

[Everyone strips to find the stolen money.]
Sean: This is ridiculous.
Connor: Yeah, I usually get six figures for this.
Sean: What about you?
Weevil: I'm the one who got his money stolen.
Sean: Mmm, I'm thinking... crabs?
Weevil: I told your mother to clean up.
Logan: Guys, play nice.
Weevil: Trust me. I'm playing nice.

Logan: Ho, ho, [looks at Veronica] ho.

Veronica: [voiceover] What was I thinking? Christmas in Neptune is, was and always will be, about the trappings: the lights and the tinsel they use to cover up the sordidness, the corruption. No, Veronica, there is no Santa Claus.

[Veronica and Weevil walk up to Logan, Duncan, and Sean who are all enjoying some pizza.]
Veronica: So, good news, bad news. Good news is I know who stole the money. Bad news is I know who stole the money.

[Veronica, Logan, Duncan, and Weevil sitting at a table playing Poker. They all fold and Veronica reaches in to collect her winnings.]
Veronica: A little impressed, aren't you?
Connor: You must be really unlucky on love.
[Veronica laughes]
Logan: Ok, I say we take a little break, let the cosmos realign. 'Cause obviously somethings up.

Silence of the Lamb

Keith: You don't go to the Oceanside bars that the college kids hang out at, do you?
Veronica: I prefer the biker bar by the train station. I get more attention there.

Jackson:I hear you do dectective stuff for people.
Veronica: I do favours for friends.
Jackson: I can pay.
Veronica: Sit down friend.

Lamb: Veronica Mars. Is your daddy here or is he busy peeking in people's windows?
Veronica: You stop dressing up like Little Bo Peep, he'll stop peeking.

Mac: [to Veronica] With your sleuth prowess and my programming skills, I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that we would rule the entire known universe.

Gabe: So you think the killer's a guitar player? That is brilliant. I think gutair players are too busy nailing women to be strangling them.
Lamb: Even the wannabes and losers living in Neptune who don't realize that if they haven't made it by the time they're thirty it's because they're not going to. They're too busy?

Lamb: Strapping on a guitar... does it get rid of feelings of inadequacy?
Gabe: Does strapping on a gun?

Veronica: So, what made you decide to be a cop?
Leo: Uh, well, it's the same old tired story. I was sent here by the agency to do a strip-o-gram for Inga, an armed robbery call came in, I figured I was in uniform anyway, so what the hell.
Veronica: So you're saying you just kind of stumbled into it.
Leo: Oh, what I'm trying to say is, this uniform, it's a tear-away.

Keith: So how do you wanna play this?
Lamb: I say we play to our strengths.
Keith: So I'm good cop?

Clash of the Tritons

Veronica: [in jail] Know any good lawyers?
Cliff: Very cute. I know an adequate one that just posted your $500 bail.
Veronica: They take Diner's Club here?

Wallace:This mission better involve me seducing the head cheerleader.
Veronica: I need you to poke around and see if you can get me a fake ID. If you must seduce the head cheerleader in order to accomplish your mission, so be it.
Wallace: No sweat! How do I do it?
Veronica: Play on her insecurity.
Wallace: I meant the fake ID.

Veronica: Hi, Dad. Their case is fuzzy and circumstantial.
Keith: You know the odd thing? Those were also her first words.

Miss James: You know what, it sounds like you blame Veronica.
Logan: You know, Veronica was my friend too. And if she hadn't ratted me out, then Lilly and I would have stayed together. And Lilly wouldn't have been alone that day. I would have been there. So, yeah, I blame Veronica. And I blame myself for being stupid. And I blame Lilly for being a bitch that week.
Miss James: You know, there is another way of looking at this, Logan. If you'd still been together, you might be dead too.
Logan: And what is so great about living?

[Veronica]: [In Lamb's office] And I'll be over here chillin' like a villain.

Lamb: [reading off of a $50 bill] Veronica Mars is... smarter than me.
Veronica: [slaps Lamb playfully] Oh, you stop it!

Lord of the Bling

Veronica: Next time remember: Lift drunk combative bail jumpers with your legs, not your back.

Keith: Hey honey, what's cooking?
Veronica: Not sure myself. Something that ends in -aroni.

Aaron: Have you heard from your sister?
Logan: She sent a telegram. Heartbroken. Stop. Can't make it back from Sydney. Stop. Underwater shoot starts tomorrow. Stop. Entire crew said prayer for mom. Stop. Love you. Stop.
Aaron: Logan...
Logan: Stop?

Lilly: I'm ditching his party this weekend 'cause I don't want him getting all crazy violent every time a boy undresses me with his eyes, which happens all the time. It's not my fault. I can't help it, God made me fabulous.

Logan: You know what Mom would have wanted! She would have wanted you to not sleep with all her friends. She would have wanted you to care as much about her as your career. So okay, Dad, let's be honest. Maybe we both wished we'd been better. But she's only gone because of you.

Mars vs. Mars

Logan: There's a woman who saw my mom get out of her car and get in a van with a "mysterious stranger."
Veronica: There's also a jungle tribe that worships Donald Trump's hair. It's a tabloid.
Logan: So the girl with a pig arm can't really bowl?
Veronica: I just don't want you to get your hopes up.
Logan: I'm not paying you to worry about my hopes; I'm paying you to follow leads.
Veronica: I wasn't aware you were paying me.
Logan: This isn't a favor. It's a job, you know. I mean, we're not exchanging friendship bracelets.
Veronica: I'll stop braiding.

[Trying to filch info on her father's case, Veronica sets off a blue-dye packet in a trap he set for her.]
Keith: Hey, honey. What have you been up to?
Veronica: Tell me where to put your Father of the Year trophy, 'cause there's some place I'd like to put it!
Keith: Wow. Good thing I didn't go with the bear trap.
Veronica: This is not funny! I need to see that diary! She's lying. I know it. I can feel it with every fiber of my being.
Keith: Honey, you don't have to get all blue in the face.
Veronica: You're patronizing me?
Keith: To be fair, I am your patron.

[Veronica is looking at a trophy case.]
Weevil: If you're looking for my trophy, it's back by auto shop.
Veronica: Lube job? Or, can you medal in stealing hub caps?
Weevil: Is this 1970? Rims, baby.
Veronica: So you got a trophy for a rim job?
Weevil: Forget it. Look, I got some information for you.
Veronica: Finally! A Deep Throat to call my own.
Weevil: I'm not going to touch that one.

Ruskie Business

Meg: Caz is always flirty with me, but that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs.

Veronica: How hard can it be to find an actor named Tom Cruz?
Wallace: Tom Cruise? Not as good a private eye as I thought.

Wallace: Damn. This dog is a freak show. He oughta be in show biz.
Veronica: D'you think that's some kind of rare breed or something?
Wallace: That or a drunk dingo had a three-way with an ocelot and a porcupine.

Wallace: Mexican hairless. What's the point of having a dog if it's bald? What are you gonna pet? Skin?

Keith: Don't forget. You're a high school girl. Do some high school girl things now and then.
Veronica: Relax, Dad. I'm cutting pictures of Ashton out of Teen People as we speak.

Meg: [about Leo] Wow, Veronica, he totally wants to protect and serve you.

Betty and Veronica

Duncan: Great game the other night man. Eighteen points, eight assists.
Wallace: On the streets we call those dimes.
Veronica: Streets? You live on the corner of Pleasant Valley and Marigold.

Veronica: [as "Betty"] At my old school I was Horny! [receives odd looks] We were the Rhinos. I was the mascot.
Richie: And what school was that?
Veronica: Riverdale.
Richie: Never heard of it.

Weevil: Wait a minute. You went to a pet store and took a picture of yourself with a parrot so people would think you were cool?
Wilson: Yeah. All right?
Weevil: That's this close [uses thumb and finger to illustrate] to taking a hot cousin to your prom. Go home.

Leo: I hate to bribe you, but... I'm fairly certain that aiding and abetting qualifies me for a dinner date.
Veronica: Actually, it qualifies you for dinner and a movie, but you undershot, so...
Leo: Damn!

Veronica: Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?
Wallace: Isn't that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?

Kanes and Abel's

Veronica: Caz, I'm kind of busy so let's play this at fast forward. I ask you to stop harassing Sabrina Fuller. You deny it. I eventually catch you. You're suspended, dropped from basketball and made the subject of a news blurb that everyone chuckles at in the papers. So stop harassing Sabrina, okay?
Caz: Look, I'm not harassing Sabrina.
Veronica: Caz, did you listen?

Keith: Look, I don't know if you were looking for "Pimp" in the phone book and just stopped at P.I....

Veronica: Hello? Yes, this is 'Miss Sabrina'. A bad boy? Well...Nestor Greely of Encinitas, twenty grand on credit cards, two divorces, and a repo'd Sebring. You have been a bad boy! Miss Sabrina commands you: put your pants back on and get a job!

Veronica: Caz, you were lurking. The innocent rarely lurk.

Jake: You are having sex with my daughter?
Weevil: Not right now.

Keith: Guess who stopped by today?
Veronica: If you say Josh Hartnett, I'm gonna be so bummed.

Weapons of Class Destruction

[Veronica enters the house after kissing deputy Leo goodnight.]
Keith: Veronica, we need to talk.
Veronica: [in Southern accent] He's a fine gentleman, Pa. He'll come up with the dowry to marry me, just you wait.

Veronica: Dear Seventeen, how can I tell if the really cute boy in my class has a crush on me? No, strike that. Dear Seventeen, how can I tell if the really cute boy in my class murdered his sister?

Wallace: He's not gropin' her, is he?
Veronica: No, but earlier I saw him cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket.

Ben: [talking to Veronica] Is it okay if he goes outside? [referring to Logan] I would like to talk to you.
Logan: Dream on, Jump Street, I'm not leaving you alone with her.

[Veronica calls Mac for yet another computer-tech favor.]
Mac: What did you ever do before you met me?
Veronica: Ever see the first 10 minutes of 2001: A Space Odyssey? It was a lot like that.

Hot Dogs

Logan: So, what do you think?
Veronica: Like, in general? Or is there a specific area on which you'd like my opinion?

Trina: Pop Tart?
Logan: Hmmm, a Tart from a tart.
Trina: Ye of the sickle wit. Can I ask you something?
Logan: Hmm, would you look at that? [mimics pulling something from his mouth] There was a string attached to my Pop Tart. [tosses away imaginary string]
Trina: Yeah. Well, I'm in a little bit of a jam, and I could use a loan.
Logan: [stops his stopwatch] Twelve hours to hit me up for my dead mother's money. Hmmm, I wonder who had that in the pool.
Trina: You know I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.
Logan: Oh, I do. I do.
Trina: Could I just borrow ten grand? Just for a little while.
Logan: Ten grand?!
Trina: Will you just hear me out, please? My boyfriend Dylan spotted me some cash a few months ago, and now he's bugging me about it. I — I can't get him off my back.
Logan: Did you try standing up?

Trina: Is Dad still at dinner?
Logan: Yeah, but he's not far. I'm sure if you really tried, you could blow smoke up his ass from here. [pauses] Hey, Trin — if you take your top off before you get on the mechanical bull, you won't fall off.

Logan: Hey, I need your help.
Veronica: Would it be weird for me to start my own drinking game? Like, I have to do a shot every time someone asks for my help?

Logan: Do you think Lilly loved Weevil?
Veronica: I don't know. Um, Lilly never mentioned anything to me about Weevil. I was wondering when you were going to ask me about that.
Logan: Yeah, well… I don't know. When he's caught in her bedroom, you know, I guess you gotta think.
Veronica: You're handling it a lot better than I thought you would.
Logan: I loved Lilly. And Lilly loved guys.
Veronica: Logan, you know that —
Logan: You know, she used to say that her… her parents worshiped Duncan and tolerated her. And if she couldn't please 'em, she was going to go out of her way to piss 'em off. Weevil must have been perfect for that.
Veronica: I know Lilly loved you.
Logan: Just not like I loved her. [pauses] It's okay. No, you know, it kinda lets me off the hook. You know, I… You know, I don't have to feel guilty anymore.
Veronica: Feel guilty about what?
Logan: Movin' on. [he kisses her]
Veronica: What are we doing? [they giggle]
Logan: No idea. [resume kissing]
Veronica: We need to talk about this.
Logan: I know.
Veronica: Maybe we should just keep it to ourselves for awhile and see what happens.
Logan: Meet in mop closets? Pass each other secret notes in the hallway? [pauses] Come on, I'll drive you home on the back streets.

Veronica: I'll be at home. With the only sane member of the Mars family.
Keith: The one who eats from the garbage and keeps bringing me dead birds?
Veronica: That's the one.

[Mandy just got prank called and they see the group of boys laughing about the prank call they just made.]
Mandy: Don't do it Veronica, it's not worth it!
Veronica: It so is!
Veronica: You prank called Mindy?
Lenny Sopher: So what if I did
Veronica:I just wanna congratulate you, shake your hand. Congratulations, you've been named World's Biggest Cockroach! This award is given in recognition of you unparalleled lack of humanity. Bravo. You're going to die friendless and alone
Lenny Sopher: Everyone knows you're.....
Veronica: Shut up! If I want you to speak, I'll wave a snausage over your nose.If you ever use Mandy again to try to convince yourself you're not a loser, I will ruin your life! Got it? You got it?
Lenny Sopher: Okay, jeez.
Mandy: I can't believe you did that.
Veronica: I can't believe you didn't.

M.A.D.

Logan: I am beyond tardy for my physics class. If I remember right, time travel is not yet possible.
Veronica: So try petty corruption. Tardy excuse slips, date-stamped, untraceable. [pauses] I know people

Veronica: No offense, but you look... odd.
Wallace: I just watched our parents cuddle on the couch last night. My eyes - they burn.
Veronica: Any idea what our parents do Mondays and Wednesdays from 6:00 to 10:00 that requires an overnight bag?
Wallace: As far as I'm concerned, they play bingo at the V.F.W. That's my story. I'm sticking with it.

Keith: How was school?
Veronica: You know - mean kids, indifferent teachers, crumbling infrastructure.

Seth: "Get Marooned." Great. Another island-centric prom theme. Another year of double-digit IQ jocks laughing at their own jokes about getting "lei'd" as freshman hula girls put flowers around their necks.
Tad: I don't see anybody forcing you to buy tickets, queer bait.
Seth: I'm sorry. Am I giving away your best material?
Tad's Lackey: Isn't the gay prom next Friday in the Dog Beach men's room?
Seth: So I guess I'll see you there, sailor. [flicks Tad's collar]
Tad: Yo, what did you just say to me, Boy George?
Seth: Come on. The Navy? Cover my back, wingman. The rear admiral wants us to pound away with the 10-inch gun. I mean, isn't just joining the Navy alone gay enough to get you thrown out of the Navy?

Logan: So, the place is ours. Dad's at class. Trina's at an extremely important purse-store opening in Beverly Hills.
Veronica: Your Dad is taking classes?
Logan: Exploring the world outside himself. All part of the new Aaron Echolls. Spanish, ceramics, tae kwon do and today, glassblowing with Silvio Pirelli, master of Old World crystal. [points to glass piece] Nice, huh? Just two lessons.
Veronica: And he made a bong?
Logan: An urn for my Mom. You know, since there was no body and thus no ashes, he filled it with seawater. Because she jumped into the ocean. Get it? At least it gets him out of the house. [they kiss]
Veronica: Hey. Do you think this thing... will ever get more normal?
Logan: What, like, will we ever hang at the mall and hold hands and buy each other teddy bears with hearts that say "I wuv you beary much?"
Veronica: Yes. Exactly that. Except I want my bear won through some sort of demonstration of ring-tossing ability.
Logan: Secrets are kinda hot, too. [they kiss]

Logan: Ah, mass transit. But why take the bus when you can drive your very own rust bucket? I had my dad's driver pick it up. Full of fresh stolen parts, ready to go.
Veronica: Wow. I'll just try to keep this little gesture in mind this weekend when you and Dick and the Beaver are off getting blasted and scamming cheerleaders.
Logan: Yeah. Yeah, actually I had to tell Dick I'm not available. Because I have other plans.
Veronica: There are cheerleaders with low self-esteem available domestically?

[Veronica working on her car, with the hood up, because it stalled, Dick, Beaver, and Logan walk up.]
Dick: Uh-oh, someones got their eye on that miss white trash title.
Beaver: Yeah, and making a solid effort in the talent competition, but I'd like to see that car up on some cinder blocks.
Logan: Guys, come on.
Veronica: I know, guys come on the talent is making a grilled cheese sandwich on the engine block. Guys come on, you can't put your car up on blocks in the yard if you don't have a yard.
[She grabs the pocket knife Logan is using to cut his apple, and uses it to cut a tube in the engine and hooking it up to some other part of the machine.]
Veronica: You know I think I can do both sides of this little act now.
[Turns the key and the car starts.]
Veronica: So how 'bout next time you don't bother, I got it covered.
[Throws Logan's pocket knife back to him, and shuts the hood of her car]

A Trip to the Dentist

Logan: You do not want to start today with me, Paco.
Weevil: Are you sure? It was in my day planner under "Goals."

Dick: Look at that. Beaver's getting all the love, and Dick's flapping out in the breeze.
Luke: Please. You have like, the hottest girlfriend ever.
Dick: Much like fake boobs - great to look at, but they don't do as much as you'd like them to.

Veronica: You can keep asking, but you're not the fairest. Trust me.
Madison: Well, I can tell you who the pastiest is. What's the deal - can't buy bronzer with food stamps?
Veronica: You wrote "slut" on my car last year at Shelly's party. Why?
Madison: Because "whore" had too many letters.

Meg: You don't want to drink that.
Veronica: Why?
Meg: I'm betting Madison gave you a trip to the dentist. It's her thing. She does it to people she doesn't like. She spits in a cocktail and calls it a trip to the dentist. 'Cause we're in eighth grade.

Madison: Regular soda? Why didn't you just fill the cup with lard?

Dick: [upon seeing Veronica] Dude, what the hell are you doing? Please tell me this is like, some new reality show called My Skank.
Logan: Goodbye, Dick.
Dick: What?
Logan: Get out of my house. You have a problem with Veronica, you leave. Actually, you have a problem with Veronica, you're pretty much dead to me, so just, like, evaporate or something, I dunno. That's pretty much a general invitation. If you don't like my girlfriend, then start heading towards the big rectangle with the knob.

[Duncan leaves.]


Logan: Hey, I have to tell you something.
Veronica: I'm sorry, we're past the confessional portion of this program. We're on to the make out.

Leave It to Beaver

Cliff: Tell me this is a joke. You want to sue the Kane family?
Keith: Yes.
Cliff: Please tell me there's another Kane family in town. Maybe a Boris and Gilda Kane?

Duncan: So, anyone read the paper today? Garfield - I mean, will he ever learn? Oh yeah, and there was this other thing: I guess Abel Koontz didn't kill Lilly. Let's open the floor for discussion on that one.

Lamb: [tapping finger on table] You said you were in Mexico the day of Lilly's murder. Why?
Logan: How many episodes of NYPD Blue did you have to watch to get that finger tapping down?
Lamb: I asked you a question.
Logan: And I ignored it and moved on. Keep up. [snapping fingers]

Logan: So I guess we broke up, huh?
Veronica: What do you want me to say, Logan?
Logan: "Logan, I'm gonna go home and put my head in the oven because I can't go on living knowing what a heartless bitch I am!" Something like that.
Veronica: So you're saying you want me dead?
Logan: Yes.
Veronica: One word from me and Backup goes for your throat.
Logan: [scoffs] Is that what you'd do, boy? You'd tear out my throat? [kneels down to dog] Who's a man killer, huh? [Backup kisses Logan] Who's a man killer?

Veronica: Isn't it better like this?
Lilly: So much better.
Veronica: This is how it's supposed to be.
Lilly: Totally.
Veronica: This is how it's going to be from now on. Right? Lilly?
Lilly: [sighs] You know how things are going to be now, don't you? You have to know.
Veronica: Just like this. Just like this.
Lilly: Don't forget about me, Veronica.
Veronica: I could never.

Season 2

Normal Is the Watchword

Wallace: You think it's a conspiracy?
Veronica: This is Neptune. Nothing happens accidentally.

[Veronica]: [Veronica bumps into Wallace hard] Huh! Seniors rule!

Veronica: Got any enemies you know about?
Wallace: Well, there's the Klan.
Veronica: This isn't really their M.O.
Wallace: Well, then I guess that leaves everybody that hates you

Keith: So, senior year. How was your first day at school honey?
Veronica: Great! I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.
Keith: What, no pre-marital sex?
Veronica: Oh, yea... yes. But don't worry dad, I swear you're gonna like these guys.
Keith: That's my girl.

Wallace: [after failing a drug test] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoked so much ganja, I don't even remember doing it.
Veronica: What if you did ingest an illegal substance, but it was such a mild dose that you weren't even aware of it? Eat any mystery brownies lately?
Wallace: Spirit boxes! The day of the back to school athletic banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies.
Veronica: Did you eat one?
Wallace: I ate six.
Veronica: That's my Wallace.

Veronica: [making out with Logan] My dad is probably watching us through a telescope.
Logan: He's probably impressed with your virtue.
Veronica: [laughs] And the telescope is mounted on a rifle.
Logan: [Pauses, then looks up to where Keith is supposedly watching, with rifle, and holds up his hand, fingers spread] Five more minutes. [Veronica giggles] He should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just looking to get laid.
Veronica: Wait, what are you saying? You aren't pretty?
Logan: What I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you.
Veronica: The things guys'll say to get past second base.

Keith: What's up, honey?
Veronica: Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.
Keith: Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?
Veronica: This is a health class project. Come on, you're a man -- can you give him some pointers?
Keith: [sighs, walks over to bathroom door] Wallace?
Wallace: Yup?
Keith: You try turning the water on?
Wallace: Mmmm-hmmm.
Keith: Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.
Veronica: [pushes her dad out of the room] Eww that's disgusting. I can't even look at you. [giggles]

Veronica: Hey Dad!
Keith: Yeah honey.
Veronica: If I know the name of a business how do I find out the names of its' shareholders?
Keith: You get the strangest homework in health class.

Driver Ed

[intrupeting a conversation between Duncan and Veronica]

Jackie: [clears throat] when you guys are done breaking up can i get a machiatto?
Veronica: I'm actually just the hostess, but I ca-
jackie: Look! I don't care if your the house magician, can you just make me a machiatto?

Jackie: Look, I haven't dated a guy in high school since the eighth grade.
Wallace: I'm an old soul. Seriously, these eyes have seen things. Did I mention I'm a nice guy?
Jackie: Ah, "nice." The great panty dropper.
Wallace: Okay, I'm not that nice.
Jackie: Oh, yes you are.
Wallace: How do you know?
Jackie: Because I haven't tried to make out with you yet.

Logan: Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth period English.
Kendall Casablancas: Ugh, you need to not remind me you're in high school. There's an 'ick' factor.
Logan: Is that so?
Kendall: Yeah. School in general? Not very hot. Unless I'm wearing a naughty school girl uniform. Then it's very hot.
Logan: I'm sure it would be, for the ten seconds you had it on.

Duncan: Veronica, it's not your fault.
Veronica: I'm afraid that line only works in Good Will Hunting.

Duane: Let me tell you something. If I was gonna do a kamikaze, you know, off a bridge with a bus full of kids and stuff, a convenience store would not be the site of my last meal. I'd want to eat something on the brink of extinction, you know, like the last emu. Or a meerkat. I bet they'd go down smooth.

Deputy Sacks: Hey Sheriff...you'll never believe who's in the interrogation room filling out an application.
Lamb: You're right. Who?
Sacks: Veronica Mars.
Lamb: You left her alone in there?![barges into the interrogation room] What are you up to, Veronica?
Veronica: Last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly - and really tell me the truth - how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? [Lamb pulls out her chair] Seriously, why do birds suddenly appear everytime you're near?

Big Dick: When I'm working, my family doesn't exist. Sound awful?
Logan: Mmm, no.
Big Dick: It's not. 'Cause when I'm with my family, work doesn't exist.
Logan: Yeah, I think my dad has a similar philosophy. Of course, he's a murderer, so...

Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang

Sacks: Sheriff wants to ask you some questions.
Veronica: My answer was final. I will not go to prom with him.

Lamb: So, I guess you know why you're here. You want to tell me about it?
Veronica: Okay. [exhales deeply] I confess. [pounds fist] God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my Dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.
Lamb: He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.
Veronica: Well, that makes one of us. So are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly-constipated David Caruso?
Lamb: What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? [slides a folder of photos to her]
Veronica: Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for Whitesnake. I was singing backup for Boyz II Men. They said it would never work, but -
Lamb: I'm glad that you find this amusing.

Veronica: Another thing girls love are Jimmy Choos, Dolce & Gabana, and convertibles that cost more than the gross national product of Sri Lanka

Veronica: [voiceover] Tailing young Miss Kendall was about as hard as following Malibu Barbie to the beach house.

Duncan: Careful, Logan. You're exposing your soft underbelly.
Logan: My underbelly is rock hard. It can go all night.

Keith: I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter. She's really no good at wrestling the hopped-up meth heads into the back of the car.

Green-Eyed Monster

Veronica: [voiceover] The only way I'd ever make two grand in a week working at the Hut is if they installed a pole.

Keith: [to Alicia] You just fulfilled one of the Top 10 male fantasies...Oh yeah, a guy dreams his whole life of a beautiful woman bringing him a sandwich.

Veronica: My Dad spend the night at your place?
Wallace: Yep.
Veronica: He do the A.M. doughnut fake-out run?
Wallace: [pulls out paper bag] Want one?

Weevil: Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the 187. So did you flop for the cops or did the local Wapner hook you up with some ankle bling?
Veronica: You know the deal, cuz. Every time some kitty cries in this town, one-time tries to put a call on me. Speaking of bling, what's up with the hoops? If I rub your head, do I get three wishes?
Weevil: You rub my head, and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish.

Weevil: Look, should I be expecting a visit from Lamb? If I know I'm being brought in, I'll put on my good underwear, you know?
Veronica: You should really do that anyway.

Wallace: Do you own those clothes, or did you stop by Dirty Co-eds R Us?

Wallace: See, when you assume, you really just make an ass out of you

Blast from the Past

Mr. Wu: Homecoming season is upon us...
Veronica: Much like the plague.

Veronica: It sounds like you don't need a photographer from the "Neptune Navigator" who knows how to shoot your good side.
Keith: I got nothing but good sides, baby.

Veronica: It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all 'Howard Hughes-y' on me.
Duncan: I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.
Veronica: Ew.

Veronica: [to Duncan] You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants? Now go make yourself pretty.

Veronica: [answers phone] Chesty LaRue. Hey, Duncan. I'm fine. I'm slathering up my boobs as we speak.

Rat Saw God

Dick: Dude. My stepmom?
Logan: I am a total piece of crap.
Dick: Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I've never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly there bikini of hers.
Logan: Great. So...no hard feelings?
Dick: No, she gave me a few.

Sacks: Sheriff would like to have a word with you.
Logan: And I'd like to be the cream filling of an Olsen twins sandwich, but...
Sacks: Will you come with me, please?
Logan: If I'm under arrest, then do me the courtesy of making it all official like. [Sacks cuffs Logan.] Now that's more like it.
Sacks: You're under arrest for the murder of Felix Toombs.
Logan: Ooh, I am having the weirdest déjà vu.

[Logan is picked out of a police lineup.]
Officer: Number four, step forward.
Logan: Oh wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent and my publicist for always shooting me from the left side.

Logan: So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you? Getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?
Cliff: Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Cliff, I'll be your 'if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney' attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?
Logan: Um...my innocence?
Cliff: No. I mean with this 'poor little rich boy' stunt. Having me represent you doesn't make you look innocent. It makes you look like an arrogant jackass. If the witness' story holds, you are going to trial.
Logan: Hmm. The guy's lying.
Cliff: June 27th: you gave testimony saying that you couldn't remember a thing. Now, he comes forward saying he saw you, bloody knife in hand, ranting like a maniac over a dead body.
Logan: And what exactly did I say, huh?
Cliff: "The [expletive] [racial expletive] had it [maternal expletive] coming."

Logan: [explaining the benefits of an ankle monitor] ...And the other sweet thing is that I'm in constant video contact with Martha Stewart, right?

Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner

Veronica: [reciting The Big Lebowski]I'm not Mr. Lebowski, your Mr. Lebowski

I'm the dude...so that's what you call me...either that or uh dudeness, duder, El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Duncan: Veronica, you need to stop being The Dude.
Veronica: Stoner Bowler doesn't do it for you?
Duncan: A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.
Veronica: These lips? I've had them for years, I can't do a thing with them.

Logan: Seriously, though. I was reading 'The Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide,' and we should come up with, like, some kind of codeword for when you guys are feeling frisky and don't want to be disturbed.
Veronica: Like "scram"?
Logan: I was thinking..."awkward." But scram is good. Or "amscray." [Opens the door to see Kendall] You're not my grilled cheese.
Kendall: No. [Notices Veronica and Duncan sitting on the couch] iPod girl. With the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.
Veronica: Like this big. [gestures with her thumb and finger]
Logan: My codeword will be..."endurance."

[Later]

Duncan: [kisses Veronica's neck] Now where were we?
Veronica: We were making out on the couch and then that happened. [points to the room Logan and Kendall just entered]

Keith: Look who got an invite to the Sheriff Department's Fundraiser/Bachelor Auction.
Veronica: Please say "Veronica Mars."
Keith: Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can. I'm wondering if they'll sell Sheriff Lamb by the pound.

Mrs. Hauser: All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.
Veronica: All right, Gia, we can be partners, but no glove, no love.
Dick: Yeah, let's get the dried-up divorcée to teach us about sex.
Gia: I heard her husband left her for a man.
Dick: And now we get bitchy and bitter for a year.
Gia: Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?
Mrs. Hauser: No, Gia. Chlamydia is not a flower.
Gia: Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.
Veronica: Your trellis is a whore.

Madison: Pretty Woman is still my favorite movie. Vivian is, like, my hero.
Veronica: She's a hooker.
Gia: Only because she had to be.
Veronica: She's a hooker.

Keith: When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.
Veronica: Sorry. I drive now. And I'm not 9.
Keith: You'll always be 9 to me. Going on 30. [notices smell and starts sniffing Veronica's jacket]
Veronica: Whoa, you two need to be alone?
Keith: I know we had the smoking talking somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.
Veronica: Actually I think it was more of a sentence - "don't smoke" - and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "Good Night, Moon."
Keith: [holds out jacket] 'Splain.

Ahoy, Mateys!

Logan: Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.
Veronica: Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.
Logan: Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.
Veronica: Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.
Logan: Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.

Clemmons: Look, I'm just the vice-principal. Anything I say on the subject has to be cleared by the principal, so -
Veronica: So you're just a powerless factotum and I should talk to Principal Moorehead?
Clemmons: Yes... Exactly.

Veronica: What's this four-week gap here?
Mac: Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.
Veronica: Do you know why?
Mac: I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.
Veronica: The show's still on?
Mac: A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.
Veronica: Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?
Mac: Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.
Veronica: I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]
Mac: Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

Marcos: [as "Cap'n Krunk"] The winner of this week's "Cock of the Walk" Countdown -
Butters: [as "Imitation Crab"] Don't leave 'em hangin' Cap'n.
Marcos: It's Logan Echolls.
Butters: That's 40 weeks running.
Marcos: Rosemary's Baby: The Teen Years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself, too. [splash sound effect]
Butters: Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie, and it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showing her cans for cash.
Marcos: I'm saving up for that very day.
Butters: Or get a varsity jacket and four liters of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free! Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defense, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard.

Logan: Any news on Nip/Schmuck?
Veronica: It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.
Logan: Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.
Veronica: And I'm working on the connections, okay?
Logan: If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.
Veronica: If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.
Logan: Help me, Mars-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Butters: Marcos wasn't gay.
Veronica: You sure about that?
Butters: Positive. He talked about chicks all the time. He wasn't a fairy; he was a Playboy-loving booty hound.
Veronica: Do me a favor: never describe me.

My Mother, the Fiend

Mrs. Hauser: Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen... [takes animatronic baby out of box] Welcome to Parenthood.
Veronica: So that's where babies come from.

Kendall: Hi, baby. What took you so long? [she kisses Logan]
Logan: Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, [wipes lips] I'd have raced home.
Kendall: I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share or... take turns or something.
Logan: Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin.
Kendall: No, I'm talking about Dick's Maserati.
Trina: Wait a minute. Are you like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he - 13?
Kendall: Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about?
Logan: Oh, yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode Hard, meet Put Away Wet.
Trina: Hmm. I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be.
Kendall: Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks?
Trina: There is. I don't think you'd like it. It's 21 and over. We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese though, if you're free. Okay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp, he's got school tomorrow. [squeezes Logan's cheeks] Night, all. [exits]
Logan: Well, the joke's on her - she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line.

Mrs. Murphy: You always ask to go to the bathroom during this period.
Logan: I know. It's that 12-pack I slam at lunch. It goes right through me.

Logan: I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off. I hear that can leave some chafing.
Weevil: You made the wrong play, dawg. I shouldn't let you live for what you pulled.
Logan: What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap. You blasted a shotgun through my car with me inside.
Weevil: That wasn't me.
Logan: You torched my house. Then your masked bandidos played Russian Roulette with my hand. Okay, my math says that you still owe me.
Weevil: I thought you killed Felix.
Logan: Well, I didn't.
Weevil: Yeah, I pretty much know that now.
Logan: Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology?
Weevil: We have something in common now. We both need to find out who killed Felix.
Logan: So what, we team up? Get matching capes? I ride shotgun in the sidecar?
Weevil: Something like that, but not yet. See, I can't let you leave here looking the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus.
Logan: Well, I hope you don't just expect me to stand here and take it.
Weevil: Wouldn't be much fun if you did.
Logan: So who's going to throw the first - [bell rings, Weevil punches first and they all-out fight]

Mac: Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Just tip me off when you're going public.
Beaver: You know, I think that might be illegal.
Mac: Still... you're admiring my moxie, aren't you?
Beaver: Something like that.

Veronica: The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago.
Trina: No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy.
Veronica: Trina, I'm dead serious.
Trina: Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural.
Veronica: You were found in a girls' bathroom on prom night.
Trina: What? So you mean my mother was like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can?
Veronica: I'm... pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom.
Trina: Well, there's worse news you could've given me. They've got billions!
Veronica: I suppose they do. Um... I was going to use this audition tape to smoke her out, shame her. I was gonna send this video to all the tabloids.
Trina: Oh, you're a rascal, Veronica Mars.
Veronica: Am I? I was thinking I was something else... less flattering.
Trina: You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail.

One Angry Veronica

Duncan: Last spring... before we broke up...
Veronica: Okay, stop, I was shown a diagram once. I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?
Duncan: This has nothing to do with us.
Veronica: Oh, no. Nothing? Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.

Lamb: [admiring himself in the mirror after bench pressing] You know, Keith, you really should've done more to push fitness when you were here.
Keith: Yeah, I was going to get to that, but the crime-fighting kept getting in the way.

Veronica: Oh, hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro?
Thumper: My name is Thumper. Not that you really care.
Veronica: Oh, I care... deeply. I guess you heard about our new cranberry walnut crumb cake. It's true: it's cran-tastic.

Keith: [to Veronica] I'm sorry, I was looking for my apartment, but I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of magical winter wonderland instead. Why, perhaps this elf can help me.

Veronica: I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room. Presents, presents, presents!

Veronica: Do you see the moving truck out front? Ms. Moana Lisa and Mr. Outside Voice next door finally got the boot. Two old acquaintances that should be forgotten.

Donut Run

Logan: Hi-ho.
Veronica: What did you say?
Logan: Oh, your uniform. Hi-ho. It's off to work you go.
Veronica: Guess that makes me Snow White.
Logan: You must be on your way up to see Mopey.
Veronica: How is he doing, Sleazy?

Walace: Oh, that's just pathetic. Up! Get up! I came here to see Veronica Mars. Who's this... Emo girl?
Veronica: Leave me alone. I'm wallowing.
Wallace: Not anymore. We're going out. We gotta go see a movie or get in a barfight or something.
Veronica: I don't wanna get in a barfight.
Wallace: Tough, 'cause you're goin if I have to drag you. But before we do, Veronica: Shower. You smell bad.
Veronica: You're not helping. You think you're helping. But you're not.

Vinnie Van Lowe: Hey, Veronica! What's the haps?
Veronica: Oh, you know. I didn't think there'd be air conditioning, but, other than that, this is pretty much how I pictured Hell.

Veronica: I have no idea where he is, and if I did, you would be the... [counting fingers] last person I'd tell.
Vinnie: Am I hearing you right? Because you'd tell Osama bin Laden before you tell me? Because back in my day, we had a little thing called patriotism.

Logan: What's the word?
Dick: The one they call Bootsy told me "no" and went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person.
Logan: Doesn't he understand? If you could do that, you'd never come to school.
Dick: Boy, that's the truth.

Lamb: So... The FBI. I've thought about it, you know. But big fish, small town has its perks. Still, who knows? I still might apply.
Morris: You go to college?
Lamb: For a year. Blew out a knee at Southwest Texas playing ball.
Morris: Speak a foreign language?
Lamb: A little Mexican. Enough to get by. I tell 'em to turn their music down.
Morris: Any expertise in computer science, law, physics, chemistry, forensics, mathematics?
Lamb: Expertise...?
Morris: Small town, big fish: You know, I'd ride with that.

Rashard and Wallace Go to White Castle

Veronica: So, the manager's boyfriend just dumped her, and she says this helps with the stress.
Wallace: What is it?
Veronica: A German chocolate nut-gasm.
Wallace: I don't think that's going to help.

Weevil: Where did you guys even meet?
Molly: At church. St. Mary's.
Weevil: Of course. The only place the micks and the spics ever get together without someone getting punched.

Cliff: It's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time - five days hence - Wallace Fennel will turn himself into the Neptune sheriff's department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police.
Wallace: What if I'm not there?
Cliff: Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up "married" to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual.
Veronica: Or prove your innocence.
Cliff: Or that. Suit yourself.

Veronica: And how can I help you, sir?
Weevil: I need a favor.
Veronica: Ah, a favor - one of our specialties.
Weevil: I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's church.
Veronica: Um... I'm sorry. That's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "You're crazy" down the street?
Logan: [from the next table over] It's not just for him.
Veronica: Isn't this a very odd coincidence? Or, wait - are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking?
Logan: Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you could help me find where Duncan disappeared?
Veronica: Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer.
Weevil: Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad.
Veronica: So, this is sneaking? I've got a pantomine-horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass?
Logan: Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you.

Logan: Look, Veronica, can you just once save my ass without comment?
Veronica: No. Because saving your ass with comment, it just... it works better for me.

Lamb: What do you mean by, "it smelled"?
Dick: Dude, it smelled - like the ass of something that died.
Lamb: And you can't say what it was?
Dick: I'm not, like, a professional smellologist.

Ain't No Magic Mountain High Enough

Veronica: Slushies! Get your ice-cold, frozen... sugar water...
Logan: You had me at "ice cold."
Veronica: What's your poison?
Logan: Oh, emotionally unavailable women. [looks at choices] Let's see, uh... I want something that suits my mood.
Veronica: Ooh, I'm sorry, we're all out of liquid evil.
Logan: I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.
Veronica: Hot date?
Logan: Rain check? A night with the fellas. You know how it is.

Weevil:Is it your undying love for me,or just good old fashioned lust?
Veronica:Que?
Weevil:That kept you from turning me in?
Veronica:(she pauses)Love......Of rollercoasters.And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates....Nothing to do with you.(they both give a small smile to each other)

Logan: Oh the rich, how they mock you. [hands Veronica a $50 bill]
Veronica: There's a $50 bill?
Logan: Had them made special.

Dick: I am so good at this game, bro.
Logan: Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick.

Jackie: This school genuinely sucks.
Veronica: True dat.

Mrs. Hauser: In less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money.
Veronica: Is that a record?

Madison: You want to save yourself some time? Start with her. We all saw her, lurking around.
Jackie: Lurking? Uh, you mean "standing while black"?

Veronica: [to jackie] I'm about to go watch Mr. Hauser swarm in her own personal hell. If you're not doing anything..?

Veronica: [to Madison Sinclair] Hey 3 grand Madison! We're Magic Mountain bound baby. [turns to leave] Oh, there's a ride there called the Viper. Isn't that like...your mothership?

Versatile Toppings

Veronica: Why can't the evil just get jobs like the rest of us?

Veronica: Jackie and I aren't exactly the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. She's not what you'd call huggable.
Keith: Whereas you warm right up to people? Hmm.

Dick: Dude, why are lesbians, like, so pissed off all the time? Let your freak flag fly, ladies!
Veronica: How progressive of you, Dick.
Dick: Damn, what is it with you? Do you follow me around for fun, or what?
Veronica: Would it help if I started making out with my girlfriend in the hall?
Dick: Yeah! Obviously. But look, I'll fix your car, whatever. You gotta learn to leave me alone.
Veronica: And here I thought we were getting to be pals.
Dick: Please. You date Logan, he's nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich-dude Kryptonite, Veronica. This rich dude wants no part of it.

Veronica: So are you ready to be the bait, Corny?
Corny: Hell yeah. No one's better. I'm what you call the "Master Bait."

Veronica: I need you to get me into a restricted website.
Mac: Sure, what's the address?
Veronica: I don't know.
Mac: What's it for?
Veronica: It's a Neptune High gay chat room.
Mac: Veronica, you're not...
Veronica: No, I'm just curious. [chuckles] Curious as to what's posted on the website, more accurately. Here we go. Work your funky magic. [beat] And... nothing. What's the problem? [Mac stares at Veronica without speaking] ...You set it up, didn't you?

Jackie: You can ride with me if you want. I realize it's no bus filled with rowdy towel-snapping jocks, but it'll smell better.
Veronica: I don't know. Um... do you have room for my giant foam finger?
Jackie: I do, and I can even drop you off around the block if you're worried about being seen together.
Veronica: Yes. Please, by all means, protect my reputation.

The Quick and the Wed

Jane: Veronica!
Veronica: Hey, party girl.
Jane: I need your help.
Veronica: Let me guess: the "Pin the Penis on the Fireman" game ended in tears?

Logan: So, you want me to come over after school?
Hannah: The words out of your mouth are, "come over," but all I hear you saying is, "Let's have sex."
Logan: Excuse me? All I heard you say was, "Let's have sex."

Cliff: They've set a trial date sixty days from today.
Logan: Whatever will I wear?
Cliff: The D.A. is offering a one-time deal, a plea bargain.
Logan: I'm not interested.
Cliff: You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior - if you could muster some - you'd be out in half that.
Logan: [incredulous] Two years?
Cliff: Logan, [sighs] let me remind you the prosecution has witnesses. The good kind - eyewitnesses.
Logan: Cholo lowlives and a lying cokehead plastic surgeon.
Cliff: A prominent, well-respected cokehead doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the "Tinseltown Diaries"? Jurors love convicting smug, rich boys - it's a fact. I've asked around - and I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.
Logan: Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self defense. I got jumped by a gang. Argue that.
Cliff: I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang. He saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix.
Logan: No deal.
Cliff: Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" t-shirt.

Veronica: I had the printers forego the phallic framing. Penises can sometimes be distracting.

Aaron: [in jail] So...to what do I owe the pleasure?
Kendall: I'm here to tempt you, Aaron.
Aaron: Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say...with what?
Kendall: Huge tracts of land...more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece.
Aaron: So I guess Big Dick still has his fingers in a few pies, huh?
Kendall: My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that he might be working abroad. [winks] Aaron, how would you like to walk out of here a richer man?
Aaron: Ahh! You're cash-strapped. Now I get it. I can help. But... [imitating Hannibal Lecter] quid pro quo, Mrs. C. Quid pro quo. F-f-f-f-f-f-f.
Kendall: Impressive Hannibal. Well, they told me the glass is bulletproof, but I'm betting I could talk you through it. [unbuttons her top]

Paul: Where have you been?
Heidi: We have a whole lifetime for stories. Let's do this thing. [to priest] Lay it on me, preacher man.
Paul: Uh, I demand to know what you've been up to.
Heidi: I didn't ask you what you were doing for your bachelor party. And after finding whipped cream in your underwear, I think I was entitled.
Paul: You were entitled? You - the one who sexed up every wannabe rock star in southern California? You know, if I wanted to marry Tawny Kitaen, I would have gotten a nipple pierced.
Heidi: How can you say that to me? Like I would ever sex up a drummer. Lead singer, yes. Maybe the occasional guitar player...

Kendall: And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money.
Logan: I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.

The Rapes of Graff

Dean: Okay, so we're gonna play a game called "Two Truths and a Lie." Does everyone have a buddy? [Veronica raises her hand] All alone?
Veronica: It's all right. I prefer it.
Dean: Lie. See, that's how the game works. [to group] You have to tell your partner two facts and one lie and they have to guess which one is the lie, all right? [to Veronica] Okay, so go ahead.
Veronica: Okay, I'm Veronica. I'm from Neptune. And I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.
Dean: Oh, how'd that go?
Veronica: It was a bit of a letdown.
Dean: Hmm. Well, uh, I don't believe that you're from Neptune.
Veronica: Wrong. Is that the end?
Dean: Um, okay. Well, my name is Dean, I'm from Wheaton, Illinois. My father owns a Ford dealership, and I also shot a man in Reno, but it wasn't to watch him die, it was for, other issues.
Veronica: Your father doesn't sell Fords.
Dean: That's right, Toyotas. How did you know?
Veronica: It's all in the eyes.
Dean: All right, well, I guess I'll have to watch out for you next year.
Veronica: Oh, I won't be attending.
Dean: All right, enough lies.

Dick: Dude! So we hanging this weekend or that chick still have your sack locked up in her Easy-Bake Oven?
Logan: Actually, I am now a free man.
Dick: The way we should be, man.
Logan: "We"? What happened to Madison?
Dick: [scoffs] Bailed. According to her friend, she met someone more mature.
Logan: Where, Legoland?
Dick: Pfft. Whatever, man. Maturity is like one of the two most overrated things on the planet.
Logan: The other being?
Dick: Chicks.
Logan: Oh, so this worked out great for you.
Dick: Dude, why do you think I'm in such a great mood? Screw it. This weekend, you and me are partying like Ozzy.

Dean: I saw you talking to that guy. What'd you talk about?
Veronica: Jane Austen. But he dissed Pride and Prejudice, so I had to throw a beer on him.

Cliff: I want to emphasize this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. [shows Lamb a photo of him and Madison]
Keith: That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter.
Lamb: [looks around, lowers his voice] So, what? This is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal.
Keith: Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election. [shows him a "campaign flyer": 18 - It's Legal! Re-Elect Don Lamb]

Wallace: That's Veronica Mars - making friends and influencing people wherever she goes. See, if you come here next year, you've already got enemies. Just feel right at home.

Keith: You´re back early.
Veronica: Yeah, I ditched the goodbye hugging, can you believe it?
Keith: You? Miss Hug. So you must be tired. Why don´t you lie in your...[interrupted by knocking]
Prostitute: Is Keith here?
Veronica: Dad... your hooker's here.
Keith: Escort, honey... So why don´t you go to your room and do your... blog or whatever you kids do.

Plan B

Veronica: "Freedom. That's what it's all about, but talking about it and being it - that's two different things."
Logan: Whew. You came up all deliberate-like. I figured you wanted to be first in line to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance, not recite my prize-winning essay.
Veronica: Neither, actually. I'm quoting Easy Rider, which you may remember making me watch last summer?
Logan: That's funny, that sounds a lot like my essay.

Weevil: I need your help.
Veronica: Ah, if I had fifty bucks every time someone said that.
Weevil: Look, I know it's a drag being you, and...
Veronica: No, seriously. I'm gonna need fifty bucks if you expect me to keep listening.

Logan: So this is staking out, huh? It looks sexier in the movies.
Veronica: Did you hear anything from Hannah?
Logan: Does deafening silence count?
Veronica: You know, I'm not sure, but I think when they start shipping your girlfriends off, you are officially a bad boy. [they high-five each other]
Logan: Her dad and your dad should get together and go bowling.

Mac: This serves as a preemptive apology for the conversation that's about to take place. Okay, and... Beaver and I occasionally, you know, make out.
Veronica: I made out once, back in the day. I think he had me pinned up against a woolly mammoth.
Mac: So, not that I'm an expert in this stuff, but four months, typical high school boy - there should be some... under-the-bra action, no?
Veronica: Let me consult my 'Idiot's Guide to Wanton Behavior': basically, you're asking me because I'm the sluttiest person you know?
Mac: Um, "slutty" is your word choice. Mine was "worldly."
Veronica: So four months and nada?
Mac: Hand holding, kissing.
Veronica: Tongue?
Mac: Some tongue.
Veronica: Ass grabbing?
Mac: Helped me brush the dog hair off my pants once.

Lamb: Still picking winners, huh, Veronica?
Veronica: I told you, when I start picking losers, it's all you.

Weevil: You know, an 09er could come in here with tea leaves and a Ouija board and they'd send out a SWAT team. It's time for plan B.
Veronica: Not just yet, Dirty Harry.
Weevil: In case you haven't noticed, I ain't no mick cop.
Veronica: Uh, okay. Dirty Sanchez?

I Am God

Keith: Did you watch House of Wax again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares.

[Veronica walks up behind Logan and knees him in the back of his leg.]
Veronica: Yep, I have no idea what compelled me to do that.
Logan: Is it because you're five?
Veronica: I'm a little punchy. I haven't been sleeping.
Logan: Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Sometimes I'm up all night, just thinkin' about myself.

Veronica: Remind me: why did we break up?
Logan: Well, you thought the other guy had greener grass. Or was it something about me being too much man? No, wait. It was you - you were too much man.

Logan: Mr. Wu must really like his egg-drop soup.
Dick: Uh, does this assignment come with [Chinese accent] pot stickah?
Mr. Wu: Students! This experiment is a major test grade. For some of you, [looking at Dick] it means passing this class or not.
Dick: [to Logan] Dude, is Mr. Wu hitting on me?
Mr. Wu: Okay, people, that does it. I'm assigning your partners alphabetically. Dick, I think it's a bad idea for you and Mr. Echolls to be working together.
Dick: So bad, it's good?
Mr. Wu: No.
Dick: [to Logan] God, I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. Shh! It's not me, it's Wu.

Keith: My coat?
Clemmons: Right. It's in the closet.
Keith: [opens the door and sees Veronica hiding inside] Yup. That's mine, all right.

Veronica: Peter was gearing up for what he called the "outing of all outings." I was wondering if he was pulling his favorite teacher out of the closet.
Mr. Wu: [sighs] Veronica, I think when you get out in the world a little more, you'll discover that not all well-dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay. Many of them are just... Asian.

Nevermind the Buttocks

Veronica: Mac Attack, what's the haps?
Mac: I got mugged. By my own principal. They took my cell-phone interceptor and apparently plan on keeping it until the end of the year. What happened to "end of the day"? Why wasn't that working?
Veronica: Everyone still kept bringing in their cell-phone interceptors?
Mac: Is there any chance you can get it back for me? I borrowed it from a buddy at Radio Shack because, apparently, I've become a psycho ex-girlfriend and I wanted to listen to Beaver's cell phone calls. [Veronica is silent] You're judging me.
Veronica: Nope. I'm judging myself. Why don't I have a cell phone interceptor?
Mac: Please, respect the business model, Veronica. I do the gadgets. You do the actual espionage.

[Veronica knocks three times, each punctuated by a brief silence.]
Butters: That was your secret knock?
Veronica: The genius is its simplicity.
Butters: We have exactly eleven minutes before my dad gets back. The box is under there.
Mac: Wow, Butters, this is - this is way cool of you.
Butters: Just so you know, I'm an excellent dancer, so, don't worry about that.
Mac: [confused] Oh... okay. I'll try not to...
Butters: Well, I don't have to dance, though. I enjoy it, but I also enjoy a good conversation.
Veronica: Look! Fake vomit - courtesy of locker 213. And whoever is in locker 792 is sans one "Smell it, Bitch" T-shirt.
Butters: So, Mac, what color dress are you wearing?
Mac: I'm actually wearing pants.
Butters: [laughs] I just don't want the corsage to be, like, blue, and your dress is red and you think I'm an idiot.
Mac: Veronica?

Veronica: [holds up a book with a tag attached that reads '#333'] Do you mind if I give this Anarchist Cookbook back to Weevil?
Butters: You know his locker number?
Veronica: Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway?

Keith: Can you think of any reason Logan would have got three calls from Kendall on the day of the crash?
Veronica: [sighs] Well, let's see...I believe the Latin term is coitus sordidus.
Keith: They were sleeping together? [Veronica nods] That was weeks before Kendall's husband fled the country.
Veronica: Logan may be a little fuzzy on the commandments.

Veronica: You here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs?
Weevil: No. But I can see how you might get confused.

Look Who's Stalking

[Veronica sees Wallace and Jackie kissing against her locker. She pushes them aside.]
Veronica: Please, get a room. In Australia.
Wallace: Hey, we're practicing for the prom.
Veronica: What debutante bit you and turned you into prom zombie?
Jackie: [waves] We just gave in, the whole nine yards - the ridiculous dress, the tux, lobster dinner, and limo. I mean, it happens once. Why not go all out?
Mac: Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Butters.
Veronica: Mac, I didn't think he'd actually -
Mac: He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine, we're having dinner on a replica pirate ship, and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home. I'm going to fill my pockets with rocks, get a good grip on your ankle, and I'm going to jump off the top of -
Clemmons: [over loudspeaker] Attention students: due to a significant number of alcohol related violations on the senior trip, this year's prom has been cancelled. That is all.
Mac: Yes! Prayer works!

Veronica: Mrs. C. I trust you're well.
Kendall: Oh, well, if it isn't Little Miss Teen Getaway. Your dad and I were just dealing with a little trouble.
Veronica: Like, trouble with a capital "T", that rhymes with "C", that stands for -
Keith: Veronica!
Veronica: I was gonna say "cute."

Veronica: Cameras are on the roof, so if this guy followed you here, we should be able to spot him.
Gia: Wow, how Mission Impossible! I feel like at any moment, Tom Cruise is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.
Veronica: Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me.

Veronica: Okay, I have news. The senior memories once thought lost forever can, in fact, be generated after all, albeit in a slightly degraded form. The rich kids are throwing a private replacement prom.
Wallace: Damn, they just privatizing everything these days.
Jackie: [looking at invitation] Alterna-Prom? Hmm, formal attire.
Wallace: That's what I'm talking about.
Veronica: Please don't give us the tux speech again.
Wallace: What? You mean how, when I put on a tux, I make James Bond look like Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel?

Logan: Who are you taking to the Alterna-Prom?
Dick: Well, I considered a lot of chicks, but finally, I figured I'd just go stag. I mean, it's not the prom. It's the Alterna-Prom. Why narrow my options?
Logan: Shot down, huh?
Dick: It's like a conspiracy.
Logan: It's a good thing we're graduating. Sounds like you've hit that point where every girl in school knows you.
Dick: Bring on the sorority girls!

Veronica: I'm stuck on something, and hoped you could help me.
Keith: Absolutely. Unless it's Physics or Chemistry. Or Math. Or English. P.E. - I was good at P.E.

Logan: I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me.
Veronica: Epic how?
Logan: Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. Epic. But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you leave town... and then it's over.
Veronica: Logan...
Logan: I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...
Veronica: Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?
Logan: No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

Happy Go Lucky

Keith: When you get your chance to testify, it's important you keep yourself in check, okay? Aaron's lawyer is gonna use everything in his bag of tricks to rile you.
Veronica: Ah, but here's the thing - I'm "unrileable." Easygoing Veronica Mars: that's what the kids at school call me.
Keith: You sure you don't want to go over your testimony with the lawyers again?
Veronica: You know what I want, more than anything in the world? I want to be there, in court, watching Aaron at the moment the jury reads the verdict. I want to see that smirk wiped from his face. I want to see his expression at the exact moment he realizes he'll never be a free man again.
Keith: "Easygoing Veronica Mars," huh? [kisses her forehead] You know how fat men are sometimes called "Tiny"?

Veronica: Do you know how long I've wanted to go to Stanford?
Wallace: Since middle school.
Veronica: Elementary, my dear Wallace.
[Wallace and Jackie chuckle.]
Veronica: Do you have any idea how long I've waited to say that?

Keith: I'm thinking about getting you some sort of... giant hamster ball, so you can roll everywhere in this protective sphere.
Veronica: It'd just draw attention to me. Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.

Wallace: You better enjoy this, 'cause this is as nostalgic as I get. I just wanted to say, it was worth getting taped to a pole. I'm gonna miss you.
Veronica: And my stupid ass face?

...

Wallace: This conversation never happened. [Walks away]
Veronica: Sure it did.

["Amber is a bitch" has been keyed on Beaver's car.]
Veronica: Hey, Cassidy. Who's Amber?
Beaver: I have no idea.
Veronica: They keyed the wrong car? How's Amber gonna know that she's a bitch?

Weevil: This is pointless.
Beaver: [sighs] Okay, look, so you know quadratic equations, right?
Weevil: Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh?
Beaver: I'm just trying to see what you already know.
Weevil: Zero! You want your car fixed? Teach me.
Beaver: Okay, okay. All right, look, so this equation right here, what do you think we should do first?
Weevil: Am I a five-year-old girl, huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, c'mon! Make me understand.
Beaver: Okay, okay! Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy wanna buy a 12-pack of a certain item, say, like, uh, spark plugs for "X" dollars, and you wanna find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, that you can get for the same amount. Except oil is "Y" times as much -
Weevil: If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man. I'll just cheat.
Beaver: No, look... but what about my car?
Weevil: You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court, so -
Mac: [from next table over] F-O-I-L. That's all it is. First, Outside, Inside, Last. All algebra - it's just the formula.
Weevil: Now can you teach me that?
Mac: You'll still fix his car?
Weevil: That's the deal.
Mac: Okay, say you and your buddy buy a 12-pack of spark plugs... [Weevil glares] I'm just kidding.

[Mac is marking Weevil's work.]
Weevil: Okay, you put another "X" on that paper, and we're gonna have a problem.
Mac: I'd put little smiley faces, but I don't know if that's gonna sell "wrong."
Beaver: I told you you went too fast on balancing equations.
Mac: I didn't go too fast!
Beaver: You plowed right through! I didn't even understand what you were talking about.
Mac: No surprise there.
Beaver: What, you're saying you're smarter than me?
Mac: No, I wasn't. Here's how that would've sounded like: "I'm smarter than you." Hear the difference?
Beaver: You don't really believe that.
Mac: Then why did I get it tattooed on my hip?
Beaver: If this what you need to do to feel better about yourself...
Mac: [to Weevil] If I get you an A, will you shiv him?
Weevil: Hey, I got an idea. How about you two geniuses go work out your aggression in some coat room and then come back here and teach me algebra, huh?

Not Pictured

Veronica: [voiceover] So this is how it is. The innocent suffer, the guilty go free, and truth and fiction are pretty much interchangeable. ...There is neither a Santa Claus, nor an Easter Bunny, and there no angels watching over us. Things just happen for no reason, and nothing makes any sense.

Keith: I'm on a flight to Reno leaving an hour after graduation.
Veronica: I don't know if I like the idea of you running around a place full of armed, drunk businessmen.
Keith: That's why I rarely go to Texas.

Keith: For you, on this momentous occasion. [hands her an envelope]
Veronica: [smells and shakes envelope] A pony?!

Clemmons: I can't decide if my life is going to be easier or more difficult with you gone. Anything I should know in case I get another one like you someday?
Veronica: Don't keep all your passwords taped on the bottom of your stapler. And stay cool, Mr. C.

Veronica: Where's your brother?
Dick: I think he took Ghost World up to his room. They're probably up there makin' love. Or playing Dungeons and Dragons. Or both, at the same time. They're both, like, 12th-level dorks. Just sayin'.

Keith: You all packed?
Veronica: Vagabond shoes and all. And pepper spray, for if we run into that Trump character.

[after blowing up the plane]

Beaver: I know this might be a [snickers] bad time to ask for a favor, but how would you feel, now that you have nothing left to live for, about just rolling off the edge? It's just, I really don't want your DNA all over my shirt.

Season 3

Welcome Wagon

Veronica: [imitating Clint Eastwood] You a bounty hunter, boy?
Logan: I really shouldn't have pushed for the Clint Eastwood marathon. Now I've ruined you. I didn't think it was possible to make you more butch. Stupid, stupid Logan. Well, wanna feel like a man, walk me to class?
Veronica: [normal voice] Carry your books?
Logan: Why not? [they start walking to class] Guess who I saw on campus today?
Veronica: Some girl going wild? As I understand it, it happens all the time in college. I'm on the verge of it right now.
Logan: No, Dick, my BFF.
Veronica: I thought he was crashing with his dad in the Caymans.
Logan: Well, he's back.
Veronica: Did you guys talk?
Logan: Yeah, but it was brief - shouted his name, flipped me off: the bonds of friendship.

Keith: Vinnie. What brings you to the good part of the wrong side of the tracks?
Vinnie: Dollar signs, mi amigo. The almighty buck. I got a case that requires a little double-detective duty. Lucky Pierre owns a jewelry store and suspects that he's got an embezzler. What do you say, huh? [holds out fist] Wonder Twin powers, activate.

[Keith enters the door]

Veronica: Daaad, come here.

[Keith joins Veronica in her room]

Veronica: You never believe it, a mate from my hotel in New York found a flash card with our vacation pictures on it. Look.
Keith: HOT DOG!

[Veronica stares confused at Keith]

Veronica: Hot Dog?
Keith: Its an expression of excitement and ethusiasm.

Wallace: Took this side. Hope that's cool.
Piz: Yeah, no sweat. I rarely wear clothes indoors. Hope that's cool.
Wallace: [chuckles, then stops abruptly] No, that's not cool at all.

Mac: If college is a boy buffet, she's got two full plates and a purse full of boys wrapped in napkins.
...
Mac: Look at her...she's like boynip.

Veronica: [to Logan after sex] Woof! You should seriously consider going pro in that.

Rat boy: We saw you get ripped off.
Veronica: You're twelve. What were you doing up at Hearst?
Ferret boy: Checking out the college girls laying out. Some of them go topless.
Wallace: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold up right there, son. Tell us exactly where this sunbathing goes on.
Ferret boy: South quad, where that statue is.
Veronica: What are you saying you saw?
Piz: Is it the Randolph Hearst statue, or the amorphous blobby thing?

My Big Fat Greek Rush Week

Mac: [sighs] I have "There's Got to Be a Morning After" stuck in my head. If I start singing, kill me.

Veronica: [reading invitation] "Tasteful" floral dresses? All my florals are trampy. Seriously, I don't have a thing with a flower that's not in the tube top or hot pant family.

Veronica: [voiceover] I guess "dress to impress" meant "dress like your favorite Pussycat Doll."

Veronica: [voiceover] The '70s had the Hustle. The '80s, the moonwalk. We have the faux-lesbian dance.

Veronica: [voiceover] The best way to keep a guy at least ten feet away? Dry heave. Vomit is the new mace.

Keith: 'Sup?
Veronica: I'm not acknowledging that.

Witchita Linebacker

Veronica: [about two girls] New friends?
Logan: Yeah, from weightlifting class.
Veronica: Right! The only class you never miss. So, what - you guys, like, spot each other doing squat thrusts and stuff?
Logan: And have group sex in the showers. [Veronica scoffs] What is this, jealous?
Veronica: Oh, jealous would involve piano wire.
Logan: Oh. So what was that?
Veronica: That was mild annoyance at the fact that two gym buddies invite you to a party and you're there already, but whenever I want to do something interesting, you're busy.
Logan: You mean "interesting" like some fossil wheezing through a novel?
Veronica: First, Martin Amis isn't a fossil, and second, yes, it's college. We're supposed to expand our horizons past video games and binge drinking.
Logan: My horizons go slightly beyond that.
Veronica: Great. So, how about tonight we check out the art-major group show?
Logan: I'm busy? [she sighs] No, really, I have a class till ten, but if you come by afterwards, we could write on ourselves. Get real, uh... political.
Veronica: That's what a girl wants to hear: "Darling, do all the weird crap you like, just don't be late for the booty call."

Weevil: [to boss] Guess I'll wash some spoiled bitch's graduation gift from daddy, huh?
Veronica: I'm not spoiled, and uh, technically, it wasn't for graduation.
Weevil: What about the bitch part?
Veronica: That depends on who you ask. How are you, Weevil? I haven't seen you...
Weevil: Since that awkward arrested-for-murder incident? Yeah! I remember.
Veronica: You plea bargained down to assault?
Weevil: And now I'm working at the car wash. Which, as it turns out, is not as fun as the song might sound.

Dick: Veronica Mars - modern college girl on the go.
Veronica: Dick Casablancas - Neolithic college boy on the sauce.

Veronica: I bet you'd be pretty psyched if I found someone who could help.
Keith: My level of psyched would depend on the someone.
Veronica: Eli Navarro. Remember?
Keith: You mean Weevil? Oh, Veronica, please.
Veronica: Dad, I'm serious.
Keith: Oh, I don't know, all those times I arrested him, he never struck me as great secretary material. Didn't he get busted for murder?
Veronica: Assault.
Keith: See, so he's not even a very good murderer.

Logan: While I appreciate the interest, Big Brother, I hope -
Veronica: Wow, a 1984 reference. Did you read that in weightlifting?
Logan: You know, your dad was half right. You have a thing for bad boys, but you don't want to reform them. You just get off on judging them.
Veronica: Which reminds me: can I borrow your copy of 101 Brooding Comments?
Logan: I only have the Cliff Notes. Look, I've got to run, so to save you the trouble, I'm surfing in Mexico with Dick and Mercer this weekend. I'll fax you the coordinates so you don't incur any more cell-tracking charges, and I'll keep a journal of my bad thoughts in case you want to stick my face in a cage of rats when we get back. Sorry, 1984 is the only book I read.

Logan: Is this the help desk? 'Cause I need a little help.
Veronica: Let me guess: you have this pathologically suspicious girlfriend and you hope maybe there's a guidebook?
Logan: No, it's more like, uh... what's beyond pathological?

Charlie Don't Surf

Veronica: This is a bad idea.
Keith: No, it's not.
Veronica: You only think it's not because you came up with it.
Keith: Ergo, how could it be bad? Math, sweetie. Me + idea = good.

Logan: You were expecting Sidney Poitier?
Veronica: No jokes. No innuendos, no quips. Don't even think of alluding to having seen me naked or having touched any part of my body that does not have fingers.
Logan: Can I mention that my eyes adored you? I got it. No calling you Bobcat, no talk of milky thighs.
Veronica: Go home.
Logan: Veronica. Don't worry. I wont say anything bad.

Veronica: Dick, why are you here?
Dick: You saw that article about the Pi Sig house, right? That girl Claire gets raped after one of our parties, and suddenly, school's all in a bunch. There's like this hearing scheduled to try to get us kicked off campus, and that's where you come in.
Veronica: I get to do the kickin'?
Dick: You get to be the spy who loves me. The guys were really impressed with how you cleared the frat of the rape last year.
Veronica: Were they? That means so little.
Dick: They knew we had, like, this connection. So, they sent me here to hire you. We need you to do your Veronica thing and prove it's a pack of lies.
Veronica: Is it? A pack of lies?
Dick: We're a frat. Why rape the cow when you're swimming in free milk?

Veronica: [voiceover] When entering a frat house full of accused rapists, the pant suit is a solid wardrobe choice. It's fashion's way of saying, "Move along. Nothing to see here."

[Veronica encounters the Pi Sig frat approaching in a group.]
Veronica: Hello, Chip… Dick… faceless Star Trek crew members

Veronica: In my world, the wicked don't get parting gifts.

President Evil

Weevil: Any big Halloween plans?
Veronica: Oh, you know, the usual: slapping on my sexy nurse duds and rolling tweeners for their chocolate.

Lamb: Well, well, what do we have here? An illegal gambling establishment. Underaged drinking. [sees Logan and Veronica hugging] Public displays of affection. [shivers] It's like Sodom and Gomorrah in here.

Veronica: Where's Lilly's necklace?
Weevil: Someone left a bracelet in my bed last week. Or wait, was it a hoop earring...
Veronica: I'm not playing with you.
Weevil: Don't you get it? I have no idea what you're talking about.
Veronica: Oh, you don't, huh? Let me spell it out: I tell you about a working on-campus casino. Six hours later, it's held up by a guy, your size, wearing a mask, who happens to be covered in a thin film of drywall dust and the stench of Drakkar cologne.
Weevil: My cologne stinks? So, all this play I've been getting is from pure sex appeal?
Veronica: You just told my classmates that your old life of crime was calling. You just asked me about Lilly's necklace.
Weevil: I can't believe you'd think I'd do that - to you - after all we've been through.
Veronica: After all we've been through, can you really blame me?

Lamb: [to Logan] Hey, good-looking, we'll be back to pick you up later!

Veronica: [voice over] Hello, square one, nice to see you again.

Hi, Infidelity

Veronica Mars: Did you just make a Jane Austin reference? It's official, the end of days are upon us.

Of Vice and Men

Veronica: [voiceover] The man who would be my mentor. Mr. Popular. Just another on the list of men who disappoint.

Veronica: Maybe I don't want to know what you were up to.
Logan: When have you ever not wanted to know anything?

Veronica: Care to share what you two free-spirited lads were up to? I'll give you a hint: it was squalid.
Mercer: Logan has good reason to keep that to himself. But you shouldn't worry; he's a solid guy. I mean, I'd want him to be my boyfriend, if I swung that way.
Veronica: Give it time, you just got here.

Veronica: Look Dad, do what you gotta do, okay? I've seen too much working here to ever be surprised again.
Keith: I know you, Veronica. You're not that jaded.
Veronica: I didn't used to be. I had this one shining example that gave me some faith.

Veronica: [voiceover] So what would Stan Marsh say in a situation like this? I think we all learned a valuable lesson about faith. You give it to the people you love. But the people who really deserve it are the ones who come through, even when you don't love them enough.

Lord of the Pi's

Veronica: I'm off to steal the souls of the rich with my evil image capturing device.
Keith: Have fun.

Logan: Why can't you for once just leave things alone?
Veronica: Okay, now you're starting to piss me off.
Logan: [yelling] Frankly, Veronica, so what? You're not invincible, and you're not always right.
Keith: Hey! You might want to stop yelling at my daughter.
Logan: Yeah? You might want to start.

Dean O'Dell: Look, the sheriff is an idiot. I've met smarter sandwiches.

Dick: So, not only did Chip get Kojak'd, someone put a Roman numeral on one of those little plastic Easter eggs, and stuck it in his… where-the-sun-don't-shine place. And you know where that is.
Veronica: Worst. Easter Egg Hunt. Ever.

Veronica: Side question: what do you know about Patrice Petrelli?
Hallie: God! What's with all the questions? What's next — do you wanna know where I buried Jimmy Hoffman?
Veronica: Dustin's brother?

Veronica: That's all sweet and great, but it doesn't really work that way. It's not like this is all some new facet of my personality. You know who I am. You know what I do.
Logan: And?
Veronica: And this isn't gonna change. And if you can't accept that, this isn't gonna work.
Logan: And you know who I am. And you're constantly expecting me to change. [she looks at him dumbfounded] And even right now as you're thinking, "Crap, he's got a point," you still think you're ultimately right. I love you Veronica. I love you. [after no response] Do you love me?
Veronica: Yeah.
Logan: Then can we try to go a little easier on each other?
Veronica: Yeah. I think that's a good idea.
Logan: [hugs her] So are we okay?
Veronica: Yeah, we're okay.

Spit & Eggs

[Dick moons the women activists' float as they celebrate the fall of the Greek system.]
Veronica: Great job, Dick. I'm sure you won that debate.
Logan: Well, he's a master debater.

Veronica: Something wrong?
Logan: I can't do this anymore, Veronica. [Veronica looks at him in confusion] You know, I've been thinking... this isn't working. And I don't think I quite measure up to the person you want me to be and... I just can't take feeling like a disappointment anymore.
Veronica: Logan, I don't...
Logan: [interrupts her] Wait, let me get this out okay? The other thing... you told me you weren't built to let people help you.
Veronica: That's not exactly what I said...
Logan: It's close. And you know what? I'm not built to stand on the sidelines. [Veronica nods] And I think we have a choice. I think we can take a tough, but survivable amount of pain now...or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. So I vote for the pain now. [They both start to tear up] But I'm always here... if you need anything. [kisses her on the forehead] But you never need anything.

[Veronica is staring into space.]
Mac: Veronica?
Veronica: I'm fine.
Mac: I know. We know. But it's okay if you're not.
Veronica: I'm fine. Seriously. I just told the two of you because I thought you should know. I'm not looking for a pity party.
Wallace: That's good, 'cause I always get stuck blowing up the pity balloons.

Veronica: Howdy, boys. Anyone up for going to a Pi Sig blowout? [Wallace and Piz look unimpressed] Beer and ladies and music...and other stuff guys like, I'm sure? Fast cars, loose slots, electronic gadgetry? Televised sports? Pornography? Nothing? None of this grabs you?
Piz: We were already planning on going.
Wallace: I think everybody at Hearst is gonna be there.
Veronica: Awesome. Then you can help me out.
Wallace: Suddenly, it sounds like a lot less fun.

Mac: Are you freaking kidding me? The Pi Sig mega apocalypse? Hump the furniture, party back to the stone age, fifty keg bacchanalia?
Veronica: Sounds like fun, right?
Mac: Will they let me in? I think all the glitter has come off my porn star tube top.
Veronica: Please, Mac.
Mac: ...Resistance is futile.

Mercer: Unicorns? Really? Well, we'll definitely be needing some mood music. You know, techno has a bad reputation, but I think it's undeserved. Groan if you disagree. Good. We're on the same page. It's unfortunate that when you wake up, all you'll know is that your hair is gone...because it's gonna be good. I'd wager your best ever. And it's a me thing, I'm sorry to say. I...have no patience. I mean, if I'd met you in a bar or at a party, I would have had you back here and on your back in an hour. But that's an hour of my life I would have never had back, an hour of listening to you talk about unicorns and your high-school boyfriend and how you hate the taste of beer. I'm just taking what you would have happily given. I mean, that's hardly a crime.

Show Me the Monkey

[Mac arrives with two people in white lab coats.]
Veronica: Mac! And the people coming to take me away.

[The trio mentions the missing monkey and lab rats.]
Veronica: Monkey?
Mac: As in "touch my".

[Talking about relationships]
Veronica: Like why bother with something that's not good, cause if it's not good -
Piz: It's bad. Exactly. But these guys were like, 'as long as she's got a pair of-' [makes a motion for breasts and Veronica gives him a look] You know, it was indelicate.
Veronica: What's indelicate about shoes?
Piz: [laughs] But I figure, you know I know what I like. Why waste my time?
Veronica: Like why bother with something that's not good, just because it's something?
Piz: Especially when you know the difference. Which not many people do. I mean, do you?
Veronica: I - I think I do.
Piz: You see I think it's like 90% of life, just knowing the difference.

Poughkeepsie, Tramps and Thieves

Lamb: Always looking for a crime where there isn't one. Think you need a new hobby, Keith.
Keith: Oh, I don't know. I find solving an investigation very relaxing. You should give it a try some time.

Veronica: Brian and Fred, as demented as this sounds, thought you'd have more confidence with girls if you... lost your virginity.
Max: I'm gonna go kill my friends now, so, if you could just leave me a bill.

Max: Can you still find her?
Veronica: Um... yes. But she'll still be a prostitute.
Max: I'm not stupid, Veronica, okay? We had something, I know it. There are some things you can't fake.
Veronica: And there are some things women are universally known for faking, and this girl is a professional.
Max: When I dropped her off at the airport, she had tears in her eyes.
Veronica: Are you sure she wasn't thinking of the cab fare back?

[Veronica does an online search for Max's hooker based on his nerdy friends' description.]
Veronica: It's like a Zagat guide for hookers. How did people find sex before there was an Internet?

Veronica: From 18,000 down to two. Your attention to detail has served us well, young Jedis.

Veronica: I just want to get to a place with you where we can be really... intimate.
Logan: That's what the female praying mantis says before she bites the male's head off.

There's Got to Be a Morning After Pill

Logan: Jeans, bold choice. Hope the maitre'd is fashion forward.
Veronica: Did you and Madison have sex over winter break?
[Logan looks at Veronica and doesn't respond]
Veronica: I asked you point blank--
Logan: And I lied. Point blank. It wasn't information that you had a right to know. I knew you wouldn't be able to deal with the Madison thing.
Veronica: Which 'thing' are you talking about? The 'she roofied me thing' or the thing 'when I stumbled to my car in the morning wondering where my virginity was and she had written slut on my windshield'? Was that what you thought I couldn't deal with? I am so genuinely sick right now. If I could've eaten anything today I'd be throwing up all over your floor.
Logan: We were broken up at the time.
Veronica: You know how I feel about her! There is no way that at some point while it was happening you weren't thinking about how much I'd hate you being with her.
Logan: It wasn't like that.
Veronica: No? Do you want another variation cause I have a million sickening scenarios running on a loop right now.
Logan: I wasn't trying to hurt you.
Veronica: Oh no. Really? Imagine if you tried.
Logan: What do you want me to do? What can I do?
Veronica: Make it not true. Get it out of my head and never let me think about it again. Cause unless you can do that, this is something I'm never getting past.

Rev. Capistrano: Try to be forgiving. It’s the only way. Anger will tear you down. It'll make you less of a person that you want to be. And it will tear apart your soul. The Bible teaches us that he who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit can capture a city. He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly.

Postgame Mortem

Mars, Bars

Keith: I need to see the sheriff.
Deputy Sachs: I don't know, Keith. He looks kind of busy.
Keith: Well, that's something I gotta see.

Veronica: Actually, that’s just why I’m in jail: To avoid Valentines Day.

Logan: Hey. Uh, Veronica asked me to bring you this.
Mac: Performing a favor from a jail cell? The girl has serious friendship skills.

Cliff: Who wants out of jail?
Veronica: I do! I do!

Sheriff Lamb: I know you from somewhere.
Wallace: Yeah, you told me to go see the Wizard and ask him for some guts.
Sheriff Lamb: Well, did you?
Wallace: Yeah. [smirks] He said to let you know that you're the only sheriff in America that he considers a true Friend of Dorothy.

Keith: Honey...why is there a pistol in the freezer?
Veronica: Because there's this guy, see, and I want to put him on ice. Because revenge is a dish best served cold. Because I want to commit murder in the 28th degree?
Keith: Stop.

[Deputy Sachs checks Sheriff Lamb, who lies bleeding from a beating by a fugitive.]
Sheriff Lamb: I... smell... bread.

Papa's Cabin

[Veronica catches Tim breaking into Mars Investigations.]
Veronica: What the hell are you doing?
Tim: I...uh...I'm...
Veronica: Formulating a lie, realizing it's futile, begrudgingly telling the truth?
Tim: I'm trying to help Landry, okay? He gave your father the bug that someone planted in his phone. I'm hoping it will lead to Mindy.
Veronica: How is it going to lead to Mindy?
Tim: I don't know. Serial numbers?
Veronica: They don't have serial numbers.
Tim: Well, I didn't know. There's got to be a way. How would you do it?
Veronica: [annoyed] Hmmm...well, first, I'd break into someone's office, act really weasly, and then ask their advice.

[In the cafeteria, Veronica looks bemused as Wallace reports on Logan and Parker's lunchtime tête-à-tête.]
Wallace: What?
Veronica: I'm just trying to figure out which Gilmore girl you are.

Veronica: If you're wondering where I am, I'm hanging out outside a convenience store, eating corn nuts and watching strippers.
Keith: Are you doing drugs?
Veronica: No.
Keith: Good.

[Veronica finds Tim checking a computer with gloved hands.]
Veronica: Nice gloves. You heading to the parlor to strangle Colonel Mustard after this?
Tim:: We're breaking and entering. I can't leave prints.
Veronica: Use your sleeve! It's less creepy.

Logan: Mars!
Veronica: We're on a last name basis now? We've skipped right over androgynous nicknames.
Logan: I tried calling you "Chuckles", but it didn't stick.

Veronica: Man, you get everyone to confess.
Keith: I think it's the uniform. Do you have anything to confess?
Veronica: Yes. You embarrass me.

Un-American Graffiti

Veronica: 8 a.m. - shouldn’t you be in a wet suit somewhere?
Logan: Early Poli. Sci.
Veronica: And you’re actually going?
Logan: Yeah, I even bought this amazing pen that accents text in neon colors.
Veronica: Ah, a highlighter.
Logan: Lots of advancements since the last time I buckled down.
Logan: What about you?
Veronica: "Violence in early adolescence."
Logan: Need me to autograph your textbook?
Veronica: Thanks, but...

Logan: Hey, by the way, I am throwing I birthday party for Parker this weekend. I’ve been studying up too. I watched My Super Sweet Sixteen. That reminds me, do you know where I can get about a dozen eunuchs?
Veronica: Not offhand, but I could make some calls.

Keith: Hello, Stosh. What do you say we head out, have a few beers?
Piz: That's one of those trick questions, isn't it?
Keith: I got some new IDs for you. Wallace. [hands Wallace and Piz their new IDs]
Piz: This picture is Jon Bon Jovi.
Keith: Yes. It is.
Wallace: Biggie Smalls? We don't really all look alike, Mr. Mars.
Keith: I know that, Wallace. Now, let's go out and get our drink on.

Veronica: Nothing says "I'm over you" like dating down.

[Max and Mac are laughing and hitting it off]
Max: Okay, seriously, did my friends hire you?

Debasement Tapes

Veronica: So...Piz didn't say anything about the whole party...thing?
Wallace: Like how you two made out in the hall and then you took off? Why? Is he calling you all the time?
Veronica: He called once. The day after. But...how would you interpret his mood?
Wallace: You want me to have this talk? Am I a twelve year old girl?
Veronica: No...but you're drinking Fresca and watching Joan Crawford movies.

Mac: Is the eggplant good?
Spaghetti Server: It's okay.
Mac: How about that stuff?
Spaghetti Server: It's good.
Mac: It's probably horrible for you, right? I'll stay with the eggplant. No, wait - what do you think? [pause] I need to see a psychiatrist.
Veronica: I was thinking more an English professor. What we're dealing with her is an absurd level of symbolism. [to server] Two lasagnas.
Spaghetti Server: Okay.
Mac: Symbolism?
Veronica: I mean, the Bronson Parmigiana is good for me, but, ooh! The Maxuccine looks awfully tempting.
Mac: It's not my fault Max won't stop calling. Like you should talk.
Veronica: Me? I'm not ordering good boy while wishing I ordered bad boy.
Mac: No, you gave up bad boy, but keep asking for samples of good boy.
Veronica: No, I - wait, what?
Mac: Okay, if Logan is the fettucine... [cellphone rings]
Veronica: It's the eggplant.

Desmond Fellows: [to Veronica] Anyone ever tell you, you look like a feisty young Barbara Eden?

Mac: And his role in this enterprise?
Dick: Consultant. I'm an ass expert.
Logan: Yes, except for the expert part.
Dick: I'm an ass? Who would you ask for advice about lions, a lion or a gerbil? Gerbil, you say? No, you would ask a lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions. So... Okay. I don't see how you hope to launch a website about hot asses without me, but fine. It's Friday night. If I walk long enough in a straight line, I'll hit a party.

Wallace: So, are you surviving?
Veronica: Surviving what?
Wallace: Helping Piz. You know, his puppy dog eyes on you all the time.
Veronica: It's weird. Like you said, normal Piz. Like nothing ever happened.
Wallace: [amused] Which bothers you, because making out with you is supposed to be some life-changing experience.
Veronica: I don't know. I just... Why are we talking about this?
Wallace: I thought you liked these kind of conversations.
Veronica: No.
Wallace: I was hoping we could follow it up with a cuteness countdown of the Baldwin brothers.
Veronica: I hope we're still friends after I Taser you.

Max: [showing Mac how his term-paper website works.] For the dumb, billable links at the top, disguised as functions.
Mac: So they link without realizing.
Max: And I make a dollar. See, the point of the Internet is to make money off of stupid people.
Logan: I like how you think, Max.
Mac: That sound you hear is my idealism quietly shattering.
Max: That other sound you hear is my cynicism laughing at your idealism shattering.
Mac: Well, it won't be laughing when I crash your greedy little evil website.
Max: I'll be laughing when you try.
Mac: Will you? Maybe I'm in your trusted-host table already.
Logan: Should I get a camera? There's gotta be someone out there that'd pay to see this hot nerd-on-nerd action.

I Know What You'll Do Next Summer

Veronica: You realize you're the radio-host version of a rock star, right? I don't know what the groupie procedure is for this scenario, but I might have to throw my panties at you.
Piz: Or I could autograph you. I believe we have some Sharpies lying around.

Wallace: The world is upside down. Veronica Mars wants to believe in miracles, and I'm the cynical one.

Veronica: Tell your roommate I came by hoping to kill time between classes getting to second base with someone, and then left unsatisfied.
Wallace: He's a good guy, Veronica. Try not to rip out his heart.

Mac: [sighs] I have to, have to, have to go to my morning classes tomorrow. I'm getting lost in the "sex-nap-eat-repeat" loop. I'm in the porn version of Groundhog Day.
Max: "Poundhog Day"?

[In an evening walk, Mac confides to Veronica her dismay about her relationship with Max.]
Mac: Love makes me lazy. It's a dangerous drug. Kills more brain cells than crystal meth. How's your cell count these days?
Veronica: Mmmm, I can still do long division, but I can't quite remember all the continents.
Mac: So, Pizneyland is the happiest place on Earth?
Veronica: Happy enough. There's no rollercoaster, but I think I can do without the adrenaline and nausea.

Kizza: I'm looking for detective Mars.
Veronica: I'm detective Mars.
Kizza: But you're just a girl. You're a teenager.
Veronica: A girl, a teenager, and a private detective - I'm a triple threat. Barely fits on my business card.

Weevils Wobble But They Don't Go Down

Veronica: I just hope Piz isn't planning on moping his way through the remainder of freshman year. It's not like I'm taking an internship at a Mister Softee in Wachoota. It's the FBI. The F. B. I.
Mac: At the very least, Piz should think it's hot.
Veronica: Actually, he does think it's pretty hot. He'd just think it was hotter if I were doing it in Neptune.
Mac: He wants to date you and be near you? Greedy little bugger.
Veronica: And if he didn't care, I'd probably be complaining about that...to my girlfriend...while waiting to pay for frozen yogurt. I'm a girl!

[A girl is being arrested a few feet in front of Veronica and Mac in line for lunch.]
Veronica: She has the right to remained famished.

Veronica: What?
Mac: Miss Mars uses Venus razor.
Veronica: Because if she doesn't, her legs look like Pluto's.
Mac: And she's down-to-earth to boot.
Veronica: I think I read in Teen People that a clean leg shave will make that special boy sit up and take notice.
Mac: I read in FHM that boys like bare breasts.
Veronica: Interesting. I did not know that. Bare breasts, you say? Hm.

Mac: Hey, did anyone else hear there's gonna be a Matchbox 20 reunion show?
Piz: So? Rob Thomas is a whore.
Mac: Yeah.

Veronica: Hey, you never told me what happened with your whole man crush thing.
Mac: Wallace has a man crush?
Piz: The man crush isn't me, is it?
Veronica: Some guy following him around campus. Is it Piz?

Piz: So, what's the protocol for a plane christening? I mean, does someone get to, like, smash the, uh, Sea Monkey with a miniature bottle of champagne?
Wallace: The protocol? Pray to whatever god you believe in she flies. Otherwise, my ass is grass.
Veronica: Orville Wright's exact words, if I recall.
Piz: I'm so nervous. This is totally knotting up my inner nerd.
Mac: Wait, you have an inner one?

Veronica: I guess you're all asking yourself why I called this meeting. [pause] What? That's comedy gold
Patrick: She knows about my dad's company.
Veronica: And I know that Leon's cryptography research wasn't really stolen. Let's see one guy to steal the machine one guy to program it and everyone to point the finger at the ex-con maintenance guy and the injustice league strikes again
Patrick: Who are you calling?
Veronica: The surgeon general.
Jenny: She's calling her dad, the sheriff.
Veronica: Good call Jenny, see you're not just here for your looks.
Patrick: Hang up please we can work this out you can be one of us.
Veronica: Is this where you turn me into a vampire?
Patrick: We can make it worth your while.
Veronica: All right I'm listening.
Patrick: So what is that maintenance guy paying you anyway?
Veronica: Cash.
Patrick: Don't turn us in can give you your very own Hearst ID.
Veronica: Oh I have one, thanks.
Patrick: This one is the everlasting gobstopper of spending money ,you'll never have to pay for another textbook, another ticket to a campus performance, another meal.
Veronica: Assuming that I want to eat meals in the food court for the rest of my life, besides you're lying, you don't have the machine you left it in the locker next to Mr. Navarro's
Jenny: There's a third one.
Leon: I've already programmed it.
Patrick: The only reason we got busted is cause we used stupid aliases we get new cards, generic names and we don't get caught again.
Jenny: You're a scholarship kid right.
Patrick: Yeah its gotta be really tough paying for all those meals and textbooks.
Veronica: It is which is why a bunch of kids who can afford to ski in Aspen getting their kicks by ripping off my school and blaming it on the nearest kid from the wrong side of the tracks pisses me off so much.
Patrick: You think that ski picture is proof that, doesn't prove anything.
Veronica: But this conversation does.

[begins to play a recording of the conversation on her phone]]

Veronica: I wont bore you with the rest but I'll bet it means jail time, or if you'd prefer you can go throw yourselves at the mercy of the campus police I'm sure they'll be more merciful than my dad, especially after he finds that third machine in one of your dorm rooms.
Jenny: Like we keep it in a dorm room.
Veronica: If I don't hear by tomorrow that the charges against my client have been dropped by tomorrow afternoon I'm taking everything I've got to the finest sheriff's department in Balboa county. And try to keep it down in here, okay, it's a library.

The Bitch Is Back

Veronica: Dick? Get out here.
Dick: What's up, V?
Veronica: If you had to bet?
Dick: Look, from a guy's perspective, the video just made your stock go up. You looked great. Enthusiasm — always a plus—
Veronica: It's like you're this giant jackass piñata begging for someone to beat the candy out of you. Where'd you get the video?
Dick: Someone e-mailed it to me.
Veronica: Who? Get your computer.
Dick: I probably deleted—
Veronica: After all these years, do you not instinctively fear me? Maybe you should write yourself a note.

Piz: I-it's a nice day. Let's go eat outside. Veronica? Come on.
Lout: Looks even more familiar from behind.
Piz: I promise you, karma's going to take care of that guy for you.
Veronica: I know. I'm gonna run him over with my "karma."

Veronica: Chip a moment of your time.
Chip: I'm kinda in the middle of something.
Veronica: It's a cluster of morons, don't worry they'll let you back in.
Chip: You know what I like about you, you got spirit.
Veronica: I want to talk to you.
Chip: That's what you're doing.
Veronica: Could you put your head up your ass before they stuck the egg in there or is this new?
Chip: What do you want.
Veronica: Who sent you the video.
Chip: Don't know, don't care.
Veronica: You dont care now, but holy crap are you gonna care when I start to get my revenge on, you'll be doin' all sorts of caring.

Veronica: Domonick?
Domonick: Yeah.
Veronica: Where'd you get the video of me
Domonick: I don't know what you're talking about.
Veronica: Your pubescent snickering tells me differently.
Domonick: Someone sent it to me.
Veronica: You should tell me who, or I can assume it originated from you.
Domonick: You can assume whatever position you like
Veronica: I'm thinking chokehold you gasping for your last breath.
Domonick: Shh sweetheart, sweetheart you are so much hotter with the sound off.
Veronica: You'll really be better off giving me that name.
Domonick: Yeah well I guess I need to quiver in fear now so see ya.
Veronica: Okay then.

Mac: Let me explain something, Veronica. I own the most powerful personal computer on campus. There is no personal computer faster or better than mine at Hearst. And using this incredible computer of mine, it will take twenty years to crack Jake Kane's password on this hard drive.
Veronica: So how do we do it?
Mac: You're like Kirk in Wrath of Khan. You refuse to believe in the no-win scenario.
Veronica: You're like one of the nerds from Revenge of the Nerds with your Star Trek references.

Cast

External links

Wikipedia
Wikipedia has an article about:

Simple English

Veronica Mars
Format Teen drama, Noir, Mystery
Created by Rob Thomas
Starring Kristen Bell
Jason Dohring
Percy Daggs III
Ryan Hansen
Julie Gonzalo
Chris Lowell
Tina Majorino
Francis Capra
Enrico Colantoni
Narrated by Kristen Bell (as Veronica Mars)
Opening theme "We Used to Be Friends" by The Dandy Warhols
Country of origin United States
No. of episodes 59
Production
Running time approx. 42 minutes
Broadcast
Original channel UPN (2004-2006)
The CW (2006-)
Picture format 480i (SDTV)
1080i (HDTV)
Audio format Stereo
Dolby Digital 5.1
Original run September 22, 2004 – present
External links
Official website

Veronica Mars is an American teen drama/mystery-neo-noir series. It was first shown on UPN on September 22, 2004. The series was shown for its first two seasons on the UPN before moving to The CW Television Network on October 3, 2006. The show stars Kristen Bell as Veronica Mars: a student who also works as a private investigator with the help of her detective father. The series is said to be "a little bit Buffy and a little bit Bogart",[1]. The series has murder mystery, high school and college drama with sarcasm and strange humor.

The show starts with Veronica and her friends in high school. It follows them to college in later seasons of the series.

References








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