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Whose Line Is It Anyway?
British Whose Line? title from its later series
Format Improvisational Comedy
Created by Dan Patterson
Mark Leveson
Presented by UK: Clive Anderson
USA: Drew Carey
Country of origin United Kingdom
United States
No. of seasons UK Radio: 1
UK Television: 10
USA: 8
No. of episodes UK Radio: 6 (List of episodes)
UK Television: 136 (List of episodes)
USA Television: 220 (List of episodes)
Running time UK: 24-25 minutes, 29 minutes (Radio), 37 minutes (Christmas Special)
USA: 21-22 minutes
Production company(s) Hat Trick (all versions)
UK: Channel Four
US: Warner Bros. Television
Original channel UK: BBC Radio 4: 1988
Channel 4: 1988 - 1998
USA: ABC: 1998 - 2003
ABC Family: 2004 - 2006
Picture format 4:3
Original run UK: 23 September 1988 (1988-09-23)–2 July 1998 (1998-07-02)
USA: 5 August 1998 (1998-08-05) – 10 November 2006 (2006-11-10)
Followed by Mock The Week
Whose Line Is It Anyway? (abbreviated to Whose Line? or WLIIA) is a short-form improvisational comedy TV show. Originally a British radio programme, it moved to television in 1988 as a series made for the UK's Channel 4. Following the conclusion of the British run in 1998, ABC began airing a version for the United States audience, which lasted 8 seasons.
The show consisted of a panel of four performers who create characters, scenes and songs on the spot, in the style of short-form improvisation games, many taken from theatresports. Topics for the games were based on either audience suggestions or predetermined prompts from the host. Both the British and the American shows ostensibly took the form of a game show with the host arbitrarily assigning points and likewise choosing a winner at the end of each episode.



Each typical television episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway? featured four performers who sit in a line of chairs at the back of the stage. The host sat at a desk facing the large performance area in front of the performers. The host introduced each performer with a joke or pun, usually all related on a common theme or topic.
The remainder of the show was made up of games that are ostensibly scored by the host, who declared arbitrary point values after the game, often citing a humorous reason for his decision. The points were purely decorative and served no practical purpose. Drew Carey would reiterate this at the beginning, and multiple times throughout, each episode by describing Whose Line as "the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter." The style of the games were varied (see Games, below). Some featured all four performers, while others featured fewer. The performers who were not involved in a game remained in their seats at the back of the stage. Humorous banter between the host and the performers between games was also sometimes featured.
At the conclusion of each episode, a winner or several winners were chosen arbitrarily by the host. The "prize" for winning on the British version of the show was to read the credits in a certain style, chosen by the host, as they scrolled. On the American series, the "prize" was either to play a game with the host, or to sit out while the other performers did. After this game, credits simply rolled under the show's theme. In the second season, the credit-reading, usually including all of the performers, was adopted from the UK series following the "prize" game.
Episodes in both versions were culled down from longer recording sessions with the best game performances chosen to compile into one or more episodes. The UK series each included one or two compilation shows of unaired games from different taping sessions in that series. The US show had one compilation episode made up of the best moments already aired the previous season.


The number and type of games played varied from episode to episode. However, some games became more common over time, while others faded from use. New games were created throughout the run of both series. Some games, such as "Tag", are based on traditional improv games, while others were uniquely created for the series.
While all games are designed to test the performer's improvisational skill, some also test other skills, such as singing or doing impressions. Whose Line? features a number of musical games, which feature one or more of the show's resident musicians playing live backing music. Occasionally, pre-recorded music is also used. While they are good sports about it, many of the performers despised the musical games; Wayne Brady turned out to be the best at the musical games.
Some games require suggestions or topics. The host sometimes calls to the studio audience for suggestions that a game requires, while for other games this information is written by the production staff, or is submitted by the audience in advance, and chosen from those submissions. The host also controls a buzzer, which ends most games (or individual sections of rapid-fire games).
On both versions, it became common to poke fun at both the host and the other performers.

Opening sequence

An opening sequence used by the British version of Whose Line? from 1994 to 1998
The British version of Whose Line? had a visual opening sequence that changed over the series. In the first series, the title sequence showed clips from the actual show under the main theme. The sequence introduced in the second series featured shots of actors in various styles of dress and activity whose exposed skin had been blackened out as a special effect. The final sequence featured a white line on a red screen, out of which a series of four characters, drawn simply as white outlines, appeared and interacted. The style is similar to that of La Linea by Osvaldo Cavandoli. The same line figures were superimposed above a picture of Los Angeles' famous Hollywood Sign for the last series. The British version's theme song was written by Philip Pope.
The U.S. version of the show never had a set opening sequence. During the opening theme, the camera would pan the audience and the performers with the show's logo superimposed. Then, the camera would cut from performer to performer as Carey introduced each one; Carey himself would then come down the stairs of the audience seating to his desk to start the show.


Whose Line Is It Anyway? was created by Dan Patterson and Mark Leveson in 1988 as a radio show on BBC Radio 4. This early incarnation of the show is notable as being the origin of the show's tradition of having the performers read the credits in an amusing style; as it was a radio show, it was necessary for somebody to read the credits, and it was decided that it might as well be done as part of the programme proper, rather than being done by a traditional BBC Radio announcer. This approach to reading credits was pioneered by the earlier BBC radio show I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again. Indeed the title of the show itself is a comedic riposte to another radio show, What's My Line, merged with the title of a 1972 teleplay (and eventual theatrical play) Whose Life Is It Anyway?. The radio series consisted of six episodes, with Clive Anderson as host, with John Sessions and Stephen Fry as regulars.[1]
U.S. version of Whose Line? opening title card
Originally, the producers asked the BBC to move to television; however the BBC was hesitant about this move. By this time, an already eager Channel 4 bought the show. Believing the show would become a hit, Channel 4 ordered 13 episodes for the first series, uncommon in the UK where a first TV series often consists of just 6 episodes. However, this came as a problem between two cast members. Original plans were to have Sessions and Fry as regulars with the rotation of two performers, but Stephen Fry pulled out as he was often scared performing it on radio, however, Sessions, with some persuasion from Fry, continued his role on the show. With the exception of Sessions in the first series and Stiles and Mochrie starting with the seventh and eighth series (respectively), there were no fixed regulars on the show, though there were many recurring regulars (including Fry).
The British television version lasted for a total of 10 series, with 136 episodes, all of which were hosted by Clive Anderson.[2] The ending came when ratings were beginning to slump, which critics believe Mochrie and Stiles' permanent fixtures were a factor of.[3] One of the early North American broadcasters of the British series was the Canadian youth channel YTV, though many episodes were edited for adult language and content.
Most episodes of the British television programme were primarily shot in London. However, half of the episodes for each of series 3 and 4 were taped in New York, and series 10 was filmed entirely in Hollywood in the same studio that would host the American version, Raleigh Studios. This final series was first broadcast only in the U.S. on the Comedy Central cable channel. These U.S. shot episodes were often criticised by both fans and critics as being of a lower quality to the London shot episodes [3]. Reruns of the entire British TV series had been running on Comedy Central since the early 1990s, though some episodes were edited to remove games, rearrange games in a show, or remove content that American audiences may find offensive. Repeats of the British series moved to BBC America in April 2006; however, the network has not shown any episodes taped before 1994.
The show was brought to the attention of Drew Carey, who worked with regular Whose Line? performer Ryan Stiles, a co-star on The Drew Carey Show. Carey convinced ABC to air test episodes in the United States. The show turned into an inexpensive hit (though less so than the British version) and ABC kept Carey on as host. The show ran on ABC for six seasons, benefiting from the low expectations of its Thursday night time slot, as ABC was not expected to mount a serious threat to what was then NBC's longtime Thursday dominance in the Nielsen ratings. While the network would regularly premiere two new episodes in one night, there were several occurrences in which some episodes were skipped or postponed until a later date because of the airing of other new shows or specials.[citation needed]
The format of the American version was very similar to the British programme. A main difference was Carey's use of the game-show facade, explicitly stating at the start of each episode that "the points don't matter," and sometimes emphasising this throughout the episodes. The difference in standards in the UK compared to U.S. primetime meant stricter censoring of both language and content on the U.S. series. Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie, frequent performers on the British show, were featured in every American episode, and Wayne Brady also became a regular toward the beginning of the second American season.
Production of the American version was cancelled by ABC in 2003 because of low ratings, with already-produced episodes airing first-run into 2004. The ABC Family cable network, which had been airing repeats of the show since 2002, also showed previously unaired episodes, as well as "new" episodes formed from previously filmed but unaired performances in 2005 and 2006.

UK version

The original BBC Radio 4 broadcasts consisted of host Clive Anderson along with two guests and the two regular contestants, Stephen Fry and John Sessions.
Clive Anderson stayed on as host when the show moved to television, with John Sessions resuming his role as the only regular in the first series. He subsequently became a rotating regular in the second and third series. However he appeared only twice in the third series, these being his final appearances. Stephen Fry appeared only occasionally on the television series.
Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie first appeared in the second and third series respectively; they each gradually increased the frequency of their appearances to the point that both appeared in every episode from the eighth series on. Stiles is the most prolific performer on the show, having appeared in 76 of the series' 136 episodes (including compilations). Wayne Brady, who became a regular on the US version, appeared in the final UK series for five episodes, including compilations.
Many of the show's performers, including Paul Merton, Josie Lawrence and Sandi Toksvig, were regulars with The Comedy Store Players, an improvisational group based at London's Comedy Store. Other regular performers from the British version included a variety of British, American and Canadian comedians, who included Greg Proops, Tony Slattery, Mike McShane, Stephen Frost, Brad Sherwood and Jim Sweeney. The series also occasionally featured celebrities in the fourth chair, such as Peter Cook, George Wendt and Jonathan Pryce.
On the original BBC Radio series, the music was provided by Colin Sell, but when the show migrated to television, Richard Vranch (also of The Comedy Store Players) became the musician until the last series of the British show, playing electric guitar and piano and other instruments. For the tenth series in Hollywood, Laura Hall took over, playing mainly keyboards, and went on to be the in-house musician for the American series.
Unlike the US version where the celebrities were assigned seating for the whole time of the show's run, the celebrities were always switching seats.

US version

Colin Mochrie who joined the US version after originally appearing on the UK version.
Drew Carey hosted the U.S. version of Whose Line?. He was joined by the UK version's Colin Mochrie (third seat) and Ryan Stiles (fourth seat) as regular performers. Wayne Brady also became a regular in the second season and appeared in either the first or second seat. The first seat was most commonly filled by other UK-series veterans, including Greg Proops, Brad Sherwood and Chip Esten. Several newcomers joined the rotation: such as Denny Siegel and Kathy Greenwood in the first two seasons. The only British performer to appear in the US version was Josie Lawrence.
The show occasionally featured celebrity fourth-chairs: Robin Williams, Kathy Kinney, Kathy Griffin and Whoopi Goldberg each made appearances. Other celebrities made guest appearances for individual games, including: Sid Caesar, David Hasselhoff, Florence Henderson, Jerry Springer, Joanie "Chyna" Laurer, Richard Simmons, Katie Harman, Jayne Trcka,[4] Hugh Hefner and Lassie.[5]
Laura Hall, who also featured in the tenth series of the British version, joined the American series for its entire run. From the second season onward, other musicians joined Hall. Linda Taylor made frequent appearances playing guitar and also some keyboards; other musicians such as Cece Worrall-Rubin on saxophone, Anne King, Candy Girard and Anna Wanselius all appeared alongside Hall (and sometimes also Taylor) on occasion.


DVD release

DVDs have been released for both versions of the show.


The first release of the UK show, featuring the first two series, was released on DVD in America on 27 March 2007 and in the UK in 25 January 2008. The UK edition is edited to remove references to the ad breaks. Also, British episodes were released on VHS (in the UK only) in the mid-1990s. Additionally, a play-at-home book was printed in 1989, related to the British series.
All of the UK version's 136 episodes of Whose Line Is It Anyway? are available for free to those living in the UK on 4oD [6]. Additionally, the first four series are available on iTunes.


The first DVD, Season 1, Volume 1, of the U.S. version of Whose Line? was released on 26 September 2006. It comes in "censored" or "uncensored" versions. Both releases include the first 10 episodes of the first season, with the episodes being the same on either version.[7] The first seven episodes have had their original theme music (including all credits and ad bumpers) replaced with the version used on the rest of the episodes.
Warner Bros. released Season 1, Volume 2 on 9 October 2007, but only in an "uncensored" version.[8]
Warner Brothers Home Video released a 2-disc 'best-of' compilation with 10 episodes on June 9, 2009. Celebrity guest episodes include appearances by David Hasselhoff, Florence Henderson, Jerry Springer, Richard Simmons, bodybuilder Jayne Trcka, and others.[9]

Other versions

In the United States, a similar show called Sponk! was aimed at a younger audience and featured child performers playing games similar to Whose Line? games. It aired on Noggin from 2001 to 2003.[10]
De Lama's 
In the Netherlands, a show based on Whose Line Is It Anyway? was called De Lama's. Besides a number of games from Whose Line Is It Anyway?, the show used a lot of new games. The show won several prizes and was one of the most watched shows on Dutch television. It aired from 2004 to 2008.
Lo Kar Lo Baat 
In India, a television programme based on Whose Line Is It Anyway? was called Lo Kar Lo Baat. Most of the games were taken from the original.
Also in India, a frequent theatre production similar to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, started in 2005 by Divya Palat.
Onvoorziene omstandigheden 
In Belgium, a similar programme was made under the name Onvoorziene omstandigheden (Unforeseen Circumstances), presented by Mark Uytterhoeven on één.
Frei Schnauze 
In Germany, this version of the UK original entertains its audience with many similar games. The show started as a half-hour programme and expanded to one hour in 2006. The host of Frei Schnauze is the German comedian Dirk Bach. Another improv show is Schillerstraße, featuring many well-known German comedians, but it uses a sitcom format.
Hatten Rundt 
In Denmark, this show featured a setup very similar to that of Whose Line?. However, the Danish show had much more emphasis on acting and much less on wild comedy.
Minus Manus/SpinnWebe 
Norway had two separate shows based on the Whose Line concept. The first, Minus Manus, shown on Norwegian TV3, was more or less identical in tone and form to the British show, but the second, Spinn, shown on TVNorge had a slightly different set-up. Among other things, Spinn split the contestants into two competing teams (the green team and the orange team, both wearing appropriately-coloured T-shirts) and also heavily involved a rotating stage that provided scenery and props for the various improvised skits. Though the shows were completely separate, many of the contestants (such as Helén Vikstvedt), featured on both.
Shel Mi HaShura HaZot? (של מי השורה הזאת) 
(Translation: Whose Line Is It?) This is the Israeli version of the show.
Wild 'n Out 
Hosted on MTV by Nick Cannon, this is a hip-hop version of the show with guest stars (among them Wayne Brady from the original show) and hip-hop performances. It is also derived from ComedySportz.
Whose Pie Is It Anyway? 
An unofficial, very short-lived Australian version of the programme was created by comedy troupe The T Team. This was a spoof of the British and U.S. versions of the programme.
Anında Görüntü Show 
In Turkey, The Turkish version is called Anında Görüntü Show, which means Immediate Vision Show. Although there are some differences in the format of the Anında Görüntü Show, it is still very close to the original Whose Line Is It Anyway?. Players include: Ayça Işıldar Ak, Ayhan Taş, Burak Satıbol, Dilek Çelebi, Özlem Türay and Yiğit Arı.[11]
Tsotskhali Show 
(Translation: Live Show) In Georgia, this show is a copy of the original with minor changes.
Pagauk kampą 
(Translation: Catch The Corner or Get It Quick) In Lithuania. Quite a successful Lithuanian copy of Whose Line? with similar rules and games.
This is the French-Canadian version of the programme on the Radio-Canada network in the early 2000s. The show didn't gain much popularity due to its lack of advertising. The only airings of the show were unannounced and used as a replacement after the sitcom Catherine went on hiatus during the holidays. The show was almost identical to the U.S. version, using the same set and playing similar games such as "Old Job New Job."
Another French-Canadian version, entitled L'audition ("The audition"), aired in 2006 on TQS in Québec. The concept of the show was based on the WLIIA game "Hollywood Director," where the host played the director. Every week, three guests from the Québec pop-culture were invited to improvise various scenes and games such as a fake cooking show or a modified version of "Scenes From a Hat." TQS decided to cancel the show due to three months of poor ratings.
(Translation: Stand-In) The Hungarian version. The first show piloted on New Year's night 2007. The show consists of four actors playing improvisational games. The games are slightly differ from the original Whose Line games, and the show introduces some new games as well (like a hook-word which has to be used through the show as many times as the performers can). When its original channel (TV2) was to finish off the show, an online petition was started to save it.[13] After that it was successfully aired on the Hungarian national public service television (Magyar Televízió), but one year later it passed it to Cool TV because of financial reasons.[14]
Black fish (Pakistan)
This show was carried out live in Karachi by four performers who more or less played the same games as were seen on the American version of the show.
Actorlympics TV (Malaysia)
The Malay version of Whose Line Is It Anyway?; aired on NTV7.
Spontan (Malaysia)
The Second Malay Version Of Whose Line Is It Anyway?; aired on Astro Warna
Quinta Categoria (Brazil)
It has similar games to the original Whose Line is it Anyway?, aired on MTV Brasil. This show is carried out by four players: Marcos Mion, Anderson, Daniel and Elidio (the latter three collectively known as the "Barbixas" in the Brazilian stand-up comedy medium). Sometimes a fifth member, Mionzinho, joins the games. There is also a special guest who suggests the rules of the last game of the show. In 2010, the program will be helmed by the comedy group Deznecessários, following Mion's departure to Rede Record.
É Tudo Improviso' (Brazil)
This version, which debuted on January 4, 2010, airs on Rede Bandeirantes. This program counts with seven main performers, among them Anderson, Daniel and Elidio, formerly from the aforementioned Quinta Categoria.
Partička (Slovakia)
Los Improvisadores (Chile)
The Chilean adapted version of Whose Line Is It Anyway? currently being aired on Via X. It more-less follows the same format of the original version but with several changes to the way the games are played and introducing new games.

Post-Whose Line

When the UK version ended in 1998, many of the performers, such as Stephen Frost and Mike McShane, began performing with The Comedy Store Players and remain performing to date. Paul Merton resumed his role as team captain on Have I Got News For You. Stephen Fry currently appears in the ITV drama Kingdom. Host Clive Anderson resumed his chat show Clive Anderson All Talk until 2001 and appeared on QI. Most, if not all, American performers began performing on the US version.
Following the American version's cancellation in 2003, Carey went on to create the short-lived Drew Carey's Green Screen Show, which premiered in 2004 on the WB. The series was very similar to Whose Line?, and featured many of the same cast. The major gimmick on that series was that the acting was done in front of a green screen, and animators later added cartoon imagery to the scenes.
Drew Carey and several cast members also started touring North America with a live-action show called "(Drew Carey's) Improv All-Stars." The show was a live stage show similar to Whose Line?, and featuring many of the same games, though also with some new ones. The live shows started in 2003, and since 2006, are only seen on occasion, mostly due to Carey's current television obligations.[15]
Colin Mochrie, Brad Sherwood and Drew Carey performed at the Just for Laughs festival in Montreal as "Improv All-Stars" in 2003 and 2004. Since 2005, Mochrie and Sherwood have toured semi-regularly as An Evening With Colin and Brad[16].
Greg Proops and Ryan Stiles presented 'Stiles & Proops Unplanned' which was a live improv comedy show based on the successful Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned format. It took place at Centaur Theatre in Montreal, Canada in July 2008. Proops currently appears as Max Madigan on Nickelodeon's True Jackson, VP, and is currently hosting Head Games on The Science Channel. Ryan Stiles can also currently be found touring the US with several of the guest performers from "Whose Line Is It Anyway?", presenting under the name "Whose Live Anyway?"
Since 2007, both Carey and Stiles have been employed by American television network CBS; Carey succeeded Bob Barker as the host of the game show The Price Is Right (after a short stint as host of another game show, Power of 10) and Stiles is a supporting character on the sitcom Two and a Half Men.
In 2007, Mochrie was host of a five-episode run of Are You Smarter Than a Canadian 5th Grader? on Global TV in Canada.
Brady had a summer variety show on ABC in 2001, The Wayne Brady Show and then hosted a daytime talk show of the same name for two seasons, starting in Sept. 2002. He also was the host of Fox's Don't Forget the Lyrics. In 2007, he also made a guest appearance in one episode of 30 Rock, and has made several appearances on How I Met Your Mother as Barney Stinson's homosexual brother. He also had a couple of guest appearances on Chapelle's Show. Since October 5, 2009, Brady has been the host of CBS' revival of the classic game show Let's Make a Deal. Since then, at least every main Whose Line participant has hosted a game show except Ryan Stiles.

See also


  1. ^ Lavalie, John (2005-05-14). "Whose Line is It Anyway? [Radio"]. Retrieved 2008-01-28. 
  2. ^ Fergus, George (2005-05-14). "Whose Line(UK)". Retrieved 2008-01-28. 
  3. ^ a b
  4. ^ Jayne Trcka
  5. ^ "Sid Caesar, Lassie guest on `Whose Line'". Chicago Tribune. 2001-11-14. 
  6. ^ Wolf, Ian (2007-12-20). "News - 4oD comedy goes permanently free". British Sitcom Guide. Retrieved 2008-01-03. 
  7. ^ "Whose Line Is It Anyway? DVD news: Drew Carey To Get Some Helping Hands With September Release Date! |".<!. Retrieved 2009-07-13. 
  8. ^ "Whose Line Is It Anyway? DVD news: Announcement for Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Season 1, Volume 2 (Uncensored) |".<!. Retrieved 2009-07-13. 
  9. ^ "Whose Line Is It Anyway? DVD news: Announcement for Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Best Of (Uncensored) |".<!. Retrieved 2009-07-13. 
  10. ^ "Sponk! -".<!. 2008-09-26.!/show/8844/summary.html. Retrieved 2009-07-13. 
  11. ^ ":: Mahşer-i Cümbüş ::. Tiyatro Sporu | Beyin Fırtınası - Ana Sayfa". Retrieved 2009-07-13. 
  12. ^ Beugró (Official Site)
  13. ^ "Beugró (Online Petition)". 2008-05-06. Retrieved 2009-07-13. 
  14. ^ "Új hazát talált a Beugró" (in Hungarian). tévé. [origo]. 2009-09-23. Retrieved 2009-10-02. 
  15. ^ "Welcome to the Improv All-Stars website". Retrieved 2009-07-13. 
  16. ^ An Evening With Colin Mochrie and Brad Sherwood

External links


Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

.Whose Line Is It Anyway? is an improvised and largely unscripted comedy game show.^ The title of this page is a reference to the title of the game show Whose Line is it Anyway?
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

^ Whose line is it anyway?
  • Whose line is it anyway? : News 2005 : Chortle : The UK Comedy Guide 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

^ Report Spam Plot: A British show in which actors and comedians improvise sketches in various "theatre-sports"-type games...
  • WHOSE | Search for whose, with related videos and whose links. 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

.It was originally a British radio programme, but moved to British Television and was hosted by Clive Anderson and lasted 10 series and 137 episodes.^ This is due to the replacement of the original host (dickhead-dust afficianado Clive Anderson), with a fatter model (dickhead Drew Carey) in the American game.
  • Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

^ US ; news flash newsflashes plural A newsflash is an important item of news that television or radio companies broadcast as soon as they receive it, often interrupting other programmes to do so.
  • news flash in English - Google Dictionary 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ Host, Clive Anderson Although purists may argue that it was always funnier in its early days.
  • Whose Line is it Anyway? - UKGameshows 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

.Performers would compete for points and Anderson would give them out very selfishly.^ If still there are any points which need to be ironed out in the article, we would be more than pleased to make the changes.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

.When it was moved to American television, the game was hosted by TV actor Drew Carey.^ The programme regularly travelled to America and even spawned an American counterpart hosted by Drew Carey, of The Drew Carey Show no less.
  • Whose Line is it Anyway? - UKGameshows 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

.Like the UK version, it usually had four other actors or actresses that compete for points (which, as Drew Carey says repeatedly in every episode, really don't matter).^ Report Spam Plot: An update of the British improvisational comedy game show, Drew Carey moderates the US version, in which four players act out various comic games and sketches.
  • WHOSE | Search for whose, with related videos and whose links. 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

^ DREW CAREY!!!!!!!!!!!!!” ~ The ending line of every hoedown ever For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Whose Line Is It Anyway?
  • Whose Line Is It Anyway? - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

The American version lasted 8 series and 215 episodes. The show consists of acting games that are all improvised, that is, made up on the spot. Audience members contribute ideas to the show and are often pulled onstage to participate in the games. .Found below are segments and quotes from some of the games played by the regular actors on the show.^ Over the course of a single taping, games featured on the show were played several times which also meant that there would be more than enough material to choose from.
  • Whose Line is it Anyway? - UKGameshows 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]


Radio Show

Episode 1


Stephen Fry
Dawn French
Lenny Henry
John Sessions
Cullen Donahue


(about Animals)
Lenny Henry:
Hey. Feel GAY!
I went to the zoo, walked down the street,
Opened the door, and guess who I should meet?
A tiger came, and bit off my Head,
And now I'm gonna walk back home again.
It's the animal rap.
Dawn French:
I like animals, I like Pekinese,
I like them a lot, cause their stupid knees.
I like everything, I like a snake,
And it.. I don't, if it's a fake.
Stephen Fry:
(talking out of time with beat) Yeah um, oh...
I find it rather hard to get to sleep,
So I tend to spend my time counting sheep.
Um, I've got, ah, plenty in my bedroom, um, one on the walls,
Um, one in bed and one curled up on my lap.
John Sessions:
I like the Man from U.N.C.L.E, like the Man From Atlantis,
But I like to make love to a praying mantis,
Get down on your legs, down on your feet,
And go after those sheep till they bleat bleat bleat.
I said damn.
Lenny Henry:
Oh yeah.
Feel good!
Oh y... Sorry, I'm enjoying this too much.
I like to go hunting, there's no denyin',
I like to stick my gun into a big lion.
I'd like to get down with a big fat sheep,
I'd like to do something else, and then go to sleep.
Dawn French:
I like all sorts of animals, especially cats,
I like them if they're thin, I like them if they're fat.
I like other animals, I like a dog,
But one thing I wouldn't do with a dog is snog.
Stephen Fry:
(speaks out of time... again) I once went to bed with a baby llama,
But it didn't matter 'cause he didn't tell his mamma.
I then went to bed with a bird from Carolina,
But it did matter 'cause it was a minah.

Television Show

British version

These quotes have been taken from the original Channel 4 broadcasts, so most of these quotes will have strong language which they were originally aired.


The performers listed in these quotes are:-


Quicksand (starting with P)

Paul: Please help me!
Jim: Quicksand is it?
Paul: R... (errr...) yes.
.Jim: Say nothing, say nothing, I'll pull you out.^ Synclaire: So you’re saying there’s nobody out there like that?
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

Paul: Today if you could!
Jim: Undoubtedly. Grab my hand then.
Paul: Verily I will.
Jim: Well here we go, well, pull... (Jim tries to pull Paul out)
Paul: ...X-rays, I need x-rays! My arm's broken!
Jim: Yes, it feels like it is!
Paul: Zor, Zorro was my favourite children's doh... I think the quicksand is seeping into my brain!
.Jim: Are you a sad little man?^ You’re a nice-looking man.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ Now, what you need is a little coaching from the master, the man.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ Now see brother what you have to remember what is first and foremost is that she’s a woman and you’re a man.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

You are aren't you?
Paul: Basically, yes!
Jim: Come on, I'll get you back out here on dry land. (Jim pulls Paul out)
Paul: Damn! I nearly died in that quicksand.
Jim: Everybody does, you know.
Paul: Finally yes, they do.
Jim: Goodbye to the quicksand then.
Paul: Hello to a new life.
Jim: I love you!
Paul: Just saying that!
Jim: Kinky little devil!
Paul: Love me?
Jim: Much, much, much, much, much.
Paul: ...Noooo!
Jim: Oh yes!

Somebody Being Arrested (starting with A)

Paul: About them drugs you found in me spare garage.
Julian: But what are you trying to say, sir?
Paul: Copper, it's like this!
Julian: Don't call me a copper!
Paul: Even though you've got 'Copper' written on your lapel?
.Julian: Five minutes and I'll take you down the nick.^ Then the minute your career takes off he dumps you so fast it leaves your head spinning like a top!
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ In the time it takes me to write this, you'll already have realized this game is a waste of time and demoted it to being a beer coaster.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Paul: Gordon Bennett!
Julian: I thought your name was Harry. Oh, that's wrong isn't it? Harry, you're under arrest!
Paul: I'm under arrest!
Julian: (asks Paul what the next letter is under his breath) Just wait a minute, then I'll arrest you.
.Paul: Keep me here while you arrest me in just a minute?^ Somedays+%2Clife+is+so+strange.You+just+can%2Ct+make+heads+or+tails+of+why+were+even+here.'
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

No, I shall scarper! I shall...
Julian: Life. Life's is what I'm threatening you with, sonny!
Paul: Mother?
Julian: No time for mother now!
Paul: (disappointed) Ohhhhhhh....
Julian: Policeman, that's what I am!
Paul: (Paul goes through the alphabet in his head and Julian tries to tell him it's Q) Queen Mother's good for her age, isn't she?
Julian: Right that's it, I've had enough! I'm gonna take you in now, to the police station.
Paul: So soon?
Julian: Yep... .Terry Marshall looks like you with the lights out.^ Synclaire: So you’re saying there’s nobody out there like that?
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

Paul: Ultra-violet light, probably.
Julian: Violent by nature, aren't you? I can see it in your eyes.
Paul: Windows of the soul... (Julian struggles to think of a word beginning with X) ...wanna see me X-rays?
Julian: Except in special circumstances.
Paul: ... Well... Yes.
Julian: Zoo.

Parachute Jump (starting with A)

(Also see "Bloopers" (under Series 3) below for Josie's aborted attempts to start on a letter other than A!)
Sandi: Alright are you ready?
.Josie: But there's one thing I haven't told you...^ But there’s one thing I do know.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

Sandi: Cor, what?
Josie: Don't want to do it!
.Sandi: (angrily) Every time we go anywhere you always say you don't want to do it!^ Khadijah: You know, I don’t appreciate you going off on me, but I’m glad that you stood up for yourself.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ Regine: Now, Khadijah but because you ain’t getting any don’t mean you whole family has to go without.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ Michael: When I take a train to where I don’t want to go I usually end up where I want to be.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

Josie: (upset) Flippin' heck, don't shout at me!
Sandi: Good grief, we never do anything interesting!
Josie: ...(crying) Huh-huh-huh...
Sandi: I wish I'd thought of that!
Josie: Joking apart, I'm ready!
Sandi: Know what?
Josie: Let me know, what?
Sandi: My parachute's bigger than your parachute.
Josie: Nooo!
Sandi: Oh yes!
Josie: Perhaps that's 'cos you've got a big bum!
Sandi: Queen's Regiment are taking us up!
Josie: Ripping fellows, those soldiers!
Sandi: So are you not nervous or anything?
Josie: Touchy, touchy, but not nervous. Just touchy.
Sandi: Under the wing is a very bad place to land.
Josie: Very, very bad, so I've heard!
Sandi: Well you could end up in hospital. ((Josie can't think what letter comes next and Sandi makes an X with her hands)
Josie: X-rays! X-rays! I'm scared of X-rays!
Sandi: Yes it could be very serious. (draws a Z in the air with her finger)
Josie: Zoo! Zoo! Look - zoo! I hope we don't land in the zoo!

Chat Up Scene (Starting with A)

Sandi: Ah! Hello!
Tony: Bloody hell, you're gorgeous.
Sandi: Cor, he's not bad!
Tony: Deary me, funny legs!
Sandi: Ever thought of going to a proper tailor?
Tony: Frankly no.
Sandi: Good, cos I quite like your suit.
Tony: Hoorah!.
.Sandi: I was just passing, and I wondered if you would like to go out for a coffee?^ Waiter: Have you decided what you would like?
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ Guys would ask me out, my mom would say I couldn’t go.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ Now, some of you may be asking why you should go out and buy some fancy fly gun contraption when a swatter works just fine, so take a look at these factoids: Fly guns .
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Tony: Joffé? Did you say Roland Joffé?
Sandi: Koffee! Only it's Turkish and they spell it with a K.
Tony: Oh, Lumee.
.Sandi: My, you're a nice looking boy.^ You’re a nice-looking man.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

Tony: Naughty vixen!
Sandi: Oh yes.
Tony: Pretty too!
Sandi: Really?
Tony: ... Queer, I am. Never mind. (Sandi nods as she realises she missed the Q)
Sandi: So are all the boys I meet.
Tony: Tony.
Sandi: U.
Tony: Ah! Venereal Disease!
Sandi: Well, wouldn't you know?
Tony: You? (Sandi makes X sign with hands) Xylophone?
Sandi: Yes, for many years now.
Tony: Zing went the strings of my heart!

Two Surgeons performing an operation (starting with L)

Mike: Lucky sod, you get off this weekend.
Tony: Michael, this is sudden. What causes jealousy?
Mike: Nepotism.
Tony: Ooooooh!
Mike: Perhaps your wife doesn't happen to be the best nurse on the hall.
Tony: Quite, she isn't!
.Mike: Really, I thought you had more tact and morals than that.^ You check your watchlist more than your email inbox.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Tony: Silly person! .Can't you see you've just taken out his windpipe?^ I think I see you out my window by the corner store!
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

^ You just can't help putting something that stupid out of its misery!
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Mike: Tracheotomy time!
Tony: That goes under the neck. (realised his mistake) Under the neck, that goes!
Mike: Very good!
Tony: Whooo! We've done it.
Mike: The Xyvalogovu Ridge seems to be opening up.
Tony: Yes, that's right.
Mike: Zip that baby up and I'll break for all of us for lunch.
Tony: Awww, he's dead.
Mike: Big deal!
Tony: Careless butterfingers!
Mike: Doctor Cockup!
Tony: Every time!
Mike: Forget it, I'm hungry.
Tony: Good, me too.
Mike: Hell, let's go to that new salad bar.
Tony: I'd rather have a steak.
.Mike: Well, jam it up my kaboga, I'll have a steak too!^ Synclaire: Well I’ll just have to check my social calendar.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

Tony: Kaboga, what's that?
Mike: Linear tract of the ... forget it.

Confessional (starting with J)

Jim: Just come in, son, come in and tell us your sins.
Paul: (deep breath) Kevin, my next door neighbour, I buried him up to his neck in sand.
Jim: Let's see if I've got this right - Kevin?
Paul: My, my, yes, that was his name, yes. Kevin, yes.
Jim: No, no, not Kevin!
Paul: Oh yes it was!
Jim: Please don't tell me it was Kevin!
Paul: Erm... Q? Erm... erm... What word begins with Q?
Clive: "Queue" does! The word "queue" begins with Q!
Paul: Queue! Gardens is where I buried him up to his neck!
Jim: Right, well that's a terrible sin, there may be no way that I can absolve you.
Paul: Surely Father, there must be something you can do.
.Jim: Teddy, I could give you a little teddy!^ Could you give a beer to the guy I’m sitting on?” .
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

And you could cuddle it, it might make you feel better.
Paul: Urdu. I like your 'urdu.
Jim: Very kind of you to say so, thank you very much.
Paul: Er.. Windowlene?
Jim: Xylophones need this to make the look shine better.
Paul: Youngsters know best.
Jim: Zee, zee, zee, zee! (presses on his watch) I'm Jimmy Olsen calling Superman! Zee, zee, zee, zee!
Paul: About time too! I wondered when Superman was gonna turn up!
Jim: Big git, Superman!
Paul: Yeah. Er... Chair. Chair. .Can you tell me when he's gonna get here?^ Regine: Well, your mama ain’t here so we gonna hook you up.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

Jim: Don't know but he could be here any minute. Look, there he is!
Paul: Everyone's looking at up the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
Jim: Frankly I don't know!
Paul: Good heavens! Look at the way he's soaring towards us!
Jim: Help! He's gonna land on our heads!
Paul: Incredibly so!
Jim: Just a minute, I'm off!
(Post-game) Clive: I think I'll give Jim double points for spelling correctly, and nothing there for Paul.

Two pilots flying a plane(Starting with Q)

Mike: Quentin, can you open up the flaps? We're coming in pretty fast.
Tony: Right.
Mike: Sure is wild the way you work those wing flaps.
.Tony: Terrance, there's something I've been meaning to tell you and I'd like to tell you before we land.^ Synclaire: So you’re saying there’s nobody out there like that?
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ HeCaC1935+yea.+like+you+can+call+me+or+something+tomorrow.'
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

Mike: Under duress, I hope.
Tony: Very duress, yes.
Mike: Well, spit it out.
Tony: Xerxes is my name, it's not Quentin after all.
Mike: Y'know, I'd suspected that for quite some time.
Tony: (mimed reaching for the radio) Zero Foxtrot Bravo, we're going to bank around the airport a couple of times.
Mike: Altitude seems to be holding up.
Tony: Bloody hell, the petrol's falling out of the back of the plane!
Mike: Cor, blimey, guv. We're going to crash!
Tony: Die, die, we're gonna die!
Mike: Enough of this folderol, quick, get back in the emergency fuel tank, try to get some speed up, we'll come back in slow.
Tony: Fuel tanks fractured!
Mike: Great Leaping Lungfish, we're gonna toast!
Tony: Help! Help! Help!
Mike: In case of an emergency scream real camp. Yeah, that's gonna do a lot of good.
Tony: Jeanette, Jeanette, serve us some coffee!
Mike: Knowledge of her name is not going to help us out of any situation for crying out loud.
.Tony: Leave her alone, she's my wife as if you didn't know.^ My friend Nick used this term, but I didn't really know what it meant, so I'm hoping that someone out there can clear this up for me.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Mike: My woman, as if you didn't know.
.Tony: Nanette, what are you doing here?^ Synclaire: Overton, what are you doing here?
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ Synclaire: Overton what are you doing here?
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

^ Synclaire: Pardon my French, but what the heck are you doing here?
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

I thought you were in Switzerland?
.Mike: Oh, Nanette, you've been down there the whole time.^ There are many times such as disputes on talk pags or vote for deletion pages where it is important to be able to devour the person you are having a dispute with .
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

.Tony: Please, Nanette, not now, we're going to crash.^ "No, let me go home and wank please, I don't want to talk to the vicious and evil people, they're baying for my blood.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Mike: Question...


Night of the Crumpet

Mike McShane - Louis L'Amour
Josie Lawrence - The Brothers Grimm
Tony Slattery - Dr. Alex Comfort
John Sessions - William Faulkner
Mike: Rogue Hill, Texas, was a lawless town. But it had one baker, Tex Amerstein. He was the best baker in all of Rogue Hill. But he had a problem - he'd run out of wholewheat flour. That made him a dangerous man.
Josie: One night, when Tex lay in bed, a little elf called P'titsel landed on his bedside table. ."If you want to get some wheat flour, you have to journey many, many, many miles to the land where the Knight of the Crumpet lives."^ And if you're still asking why, you're a sorry case, and just remember, Uncle Sam wants you to go shoot some flies!
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Tony: The elf was little, but of course size doesn't matter.
John: The verification of the deliniation of the hope of the answer to the ding-dong bing-bang bash of hope coming down now deeper into the forest of his resourcefulness. Down there into the sanctuary the butter did fall, fall down onto the crumpet. .The crumpet falling lower and lower driving deeper into the south.^ As there is intense and increasing pressure as one travels deeper into the mantle, the lower part of this region is thought solid while the upper mantle is plastic (semi-molten).
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

The Yawknapatawpha County of a deep deliberateness, the butter dipping, dipping, dripping and deeper and deeper.
Mike: Tex said "enough of this crap, you little fairy! Let's draw spatulas and let's bake!" So he popped open his camper oven and they went at it. Well the little fairy was quick but not quick enough. .Tex whipped out a couple of the best tasting crumpets that he'd ever seen in his life, smeared some honeybuck jelly on it and passed it to him, saying "put that on for size, you pointy-eared little fruit!"^ Can you please either put the fire out or remove the batteries.
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

^ You just can't help putting something that stupid out of its misery!
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Josie: This made the elf very angry, so he decided to lock the baker up in an ivory tower. One night, the Knight of the Crumpet came and shouted "Baker! Baker! Let down your crumpets!" He climbed up the juicy, buttery crumpets and dropped inside where he saw the baker all alone sitting there very sad - when are you gonna buzz me?
.Tony: Yes, the baker was alone and there's nothing wrong with solitary sexual experience either, let me tell you.^ The reason you have seventy-two channels and there is nothing on them.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

In terms of...
John: The toast was rising now, rising now higher and higher into the hope of happiness. Down now, down again to the sanctuary, the deep volupturous sanctuary of his lechery. There inside the hope denied, the hope reliving again, revivifying all hope, in the answer to the improbability of the indefatigable hope of the answer of the improbable. The butter would come, and down would go the toast, and Holy Ghost and all.

Crocodile Killers from Hell (1989 Comic Relief special)

Stephen Fry - Salman Rushdie
Josie Lawrence - Barbara Cartland
Paul Merton - A combination of a sex manual and The Highway Code
John Sessions - Griff Rhys Jones - "My Life in the Theatre" (Griff had appeared in the previous segment of Comic Relief)
Stephen: (hides behind his chair at the back of the set)
Josie: "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" said Nick, softly and yet manfully. "I didn't mean to buy you that crocodile and I didn't realise it was the devil's work!" Amanda stood there alluringly looking at Nick. A tall lithe woman who belied her thirty-five years of age. Silk lingerie fell neatly over her firm high breasts and her delicate hair was pulled back in a chimion. "Oh Nick..."
Paul: Oh that was a shame, wasn't it? It was going very well there. Nick suddenly thought of the words that his mother had given to him, the golden advice: "Always wear a condom on a zebra crossing." It was something that he was never to forget, also "Never drive a truck in a nude." He used his insolent techniques to take on this woman. She was all woman, he was all man and his license was fully endorsed.
John: Hell is a fine and private place but, erm, none I think do they embrace, and of course... The erm, the theatre is full of luvvies, always has been. People penetrating each other's bottoms like British railways. Over the years...
Stephen: I'm terribly sorry, I'm just so sorry, I won't do it again, I'm very very sorry. Sorry, I'm so sorry. So sorry. So sorry.
Josie: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" said Nick, thrusting her firmly and yet gently onto the Axminster carpet. Amanda was so glad she cleaned it only the other day.
Paul: And she thought to herself "Ah, an Axminster carpet, surely a great contribution to road safety..."
John: Crocodiles didn't really appear in the British theatre until later on in the 20th century when all the old luvvies had covered themselves with eau de cologne. .At this stage, crocodiles and alligators were seen on the English stage along with the Australians like Paul Hogan and people like that.^ Henry London, it is the home of big ben, the queen, english people and disgusting food like spotted dick.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]


An Englishman and an Australian Batsman meet Captain Pugwash

Ron West - William Goldman
Griff Rhys Jones - Edward Lear
Paul Merton - Nostradamus
John Sessions - Philip Larkin
Ron: Fade up on... the village green. Cut to two cricketers with cricket bats. Cut to two scared Australians. Cut back to the two cricketers with cricket bats chasing the Australians. .Cut to the Australians digging a hole, to get into the hole, to get away from the two cricketers with bats...^ The queen has visited Spalding once along with two land officals to find out if it is possible to cut Spalding away from Britain as she was once able with the isle of man.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Griff: There (chuckles) ... There was an old man of Darjeeling, whose beard reached up to the ceiling. He said to the Aussie, "..."
Paul: And lo, it will come to pass, in that far-off land of Albion, some 400 years from now, when Australians with willows will hammer the crap out of English with willows. And the English selectors, nary in their desperation will choose Captain Pugwash as opening bowler.
.John: Willie one and Willie two, one day went out with Wally Grout.^ I mean you went from having no dates in six months to having two dates in one night.
  • Whose Date is it Anyway? - UrsinusWiki 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: Original source]

.Sometimes they wanted him in, on other occasions out.^ File:Doughnut.jpg 200px If you want to find all the cops , they're hanging out in the doughnut shop.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

^ Is+it+just+hanging+out+or+living+there%3F+Might+be+a+chimney+swift%2C+appropriately+named.+They+sometimes+make+nests+in+chimneys.'
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

The Black Pig it would sail the sea, sometimes to old Constantin'be, and I would have some afternoon tea, and then be sad. But then that's me.

Goat Herding in Leamington Spa

Ron West - DC Comics
Jimmy Mulville - Sigmund Freud
Paul Merton - Edgar Allan Poe
John Sessions - The Diaries of Andy Warhol
Ron: Superman was trapped on the planet Pluto with a goat. "What good are you?" said Superman, "You're only a goat! .How can you help me get out of this?^ You just can't help putting something that stupid out of its misery!
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

I've been weakened by Kryptonite! I need something stronger than a goat!" "Sorry", said the goat.
Jimmy: (German accent) So you zink you're a goat. It vas quite obvious to me that this man thought he was a penis.
Paul: As Superman and the goat conversed on the surface of Pluto they could hear a distant knocking from the graveyard: it was time to bring granny up again. The premature burial that had haunted the family over the generations had come back to haunt them. .Whenever they buried a member of the family they put a packet of Ritz crackers in there and a telephone just to keep them going, but...^ But i'm not going there, emily just said roade island and that song came ot my head...
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

^ Probably+three+or+four+devin.+But+i%27m+not+going+there%2C+emily+just+said+roade+island+and+that+song+came+ot+my+head...'
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

^ Is+it+just+hanging+out+or+living+there%3F+Might+be+a+chimney+swift%2C+appropriately+named.+They+sometimes+make+nests+in+chimneys.'
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

.John: I was going to get out of bed, but I couldn't make up my mind whether to or not.^ My friend Nick used this term, but I didn't really know what it meant, so I'm hoping that someone out there can clear this up for me.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Then I remembered that Bianca Jagger, Jules Olitski and Bobby Raucshenberg were coming round. "Hi, Andy!" "Hi, Bobby! Hi, Bianca! Hi, Juels!" I said. I made them a cup of coffee.

Death of a Dog at the British Grand Prix

Archie Hahn - Alice Walker
Jonathan Pryce - The diaries of Noël Coward
Paul Merton - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
John Sessions - JRR Tolkien
Archie: Law-la-la the sun wa so hawt! Mista left the dawg with me an' I tried to take him for a walk. But there wa so many people. So very many people an' I couldn't keep track of the dawg...
Jonathan: Monday - so many people, so many people. Binky was there of course, we had lunch. And Coley. Coley was always there, looking divine as usual. We talked a lot about so many people, none of it good. It was a wonderful day.
Paul: I looked down at the lunch and I saw that it was a dead dog. Judging by this dog's appearance I would say it spent five years in Oxford before it transferred as a GP to the London area. "My God, Holmes!" declared Watson, "How can you possibly know that?"
John: (in an beatnik style) Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadil, with all your problems shured. Is it not a great sadness that you've been driven over by a Matra Ford? There you are on the ground, Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadil, in his coat of solid yellow...
Archie: Mista come up to me and he say "Where Tom? Where tha' dog Tom?" Ma just stand there shakin' 'cos I fraid'a Mista. He always beat me an' whup me. He never let me get any mail outta the mailbox, an' now I gone killed tha dawg!
Jonathan: ... Tuesday - Binky was there, carrying a dead dog under his arm.
Paul: "If I'm not mistaken" said Holmes, "we had this dog last week, didn't we?"
John: Gandalf climed up the mountain and Bodo, the son of Frodo, the Hobo from Yoyo said to him, "No! No! Not a dog, man! Not a dog! Not on top of my Jefferson Airplane albums! Leave 'em alone, man!"

Annie the Orphan Get Your Rifle

Ron West - Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Sandi Toksvig - Enid Blyton Sr.
Tony Slattery - Marquis de Sade - "translated into Norwegian".
Rory McGrath - Desmond Morris III
Ron: Annie was a veteran of the Second World War and had a small house in Manchester, and so consequently was able to travel in time at will. She found herself in the court of Louis XVI. She sat down in a chair and it immediately broke. This put her in trouble with the palace guard.
Sandi: She was in quite a lot of trouble. Yes she had travelled with will but Will hadn't got permission from his mother to be out. Well, this looked very bad, so she talked to her dog Timmy. "Hello, Timmy" she said, and then she was arrested for being a bit of a lunatic.
Tony: (slaps himself) Mmmm... Annie, your dog, Timmy, loose yourselves from the conventions of bourgeois morality. Saw your own leg off and hit me with it!
Rory: With an expression like this... (stretches the sides of his mouth and waggles his tongue) ...which is very similar to the exotic vaginal display of the blue-fannied baboon of Kutchumpura...
Ron: ...Which was so indicative of Annie herself.
Sandi: Annie had never seen a baboon with a blue fanny before.
Tony: Blue no more since it spiralled on my wavering sabre!
Rory: Or the hairy avabluea gorilla which enjoys face-to-face copulation with my ex-wife Marjorie.

How I Killed My Fairy Godmother

Josie Lawrence - Michelin Guide to Famous Buildings and Landmarks in London
Greg Proops - Jack Kerouac
Jim Sweeney - JRR Tolkien
Tony Slattery - My Little Pony
Josie: I followed my fairy grandmother one day. I hated her guts. She walked across the famous zebra crossing in Abbey Road, well known for being painted by Michelangelo in 1615, and then...
Greg: London was cold and foggy, but it was cool 'cause I was in San Francisco! .I was trippin' down the street, (goes into beatnik gibberish) I pulled a reefer out of my pocket the size of a huge black drummer's leg and lit it up...^ My friend Nick used this term, but I didn't really know what it meant, so I'm hoping that someone out there can clear this up for me.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

Jim: Gandalf took the reefer of one and smoked it. Suddenly his voice went all high - (high-pitched voice) "So Frodo, what do you make of this?" (normal voice) Frodo was impressed and a shadow fell upon his face and a chill entered his heart. At that very moment, thousands of people suddenly swarmed on him. They were Orcs, and some were Ringwraiths...
Tony: Some were Ringwraiths but suddenly they turned into gaily brightly coloured little ponies! "Why is everything so garishly coloured?" "It's because we all take methyldexamphetamine sulphate!"
Josie: The little ponies were making a nice little trip to Big Ben, so called because the first politician ever was big and called Benjamin.
Greg: The little ponies were crazy cats, man, little horses with legs that moved to and fro, you couldn't even tell how much, man. They were wild. .I saw my fairy godmother there, I broke a wine bottle over her head.^ But i'm not going there, emily just said roade island and that song came ot my head...
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

^ Probably+three+or+four+devin.+But+i%27m+not+going+there%2C+emily+just+said+roade+island+and+that+song+came+ot+my+head...'
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

Jim: She was well cheesed off. At that moment, riding on Pixylix was Strider, Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Known to the Hobbits as Big Tall Git with Halitosis!
Tony: Known to the little ponies as Big Pony! I bet you know why...

She's Gotta Have More Macaroni and Cheese

Mike McShane - The Journals of Lewis and Clark
Mark Cohen - Mario Puzo
Greg Proops - Millie the White House Dog
John Sessions - Ernest Hemingway
Mike: Colonel Meriweather Lewis and I had stocked up on provisions near the Ol' Sage River, for a perilous and trepidation-filled journey across the wide America. Pemekin, beef jerky and assorted niblets were stuffed into our backpacks. The one thing that the Indian priestess, Hanago Haganigawaga, really liked, was...
Mark: The Indian priestess was sleeping in her bed, when all of a sudden Salazo came, and he had the head of a horse. But the horse was made out of chocolate.
Greg: (Growls and scratches behind his ears) He had a horse's head. And he also had a horse's ass! It was Dan Quayle!
John: The river went up and then it went round a bit for an inch or so and then it went down again. .Nick looked at the river and checked out the macaroni cheese that was floating down towards him, and the trout, some real fine bitch that she was, with her kagida, that was swimming towards him.^'
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

Nick figured out that the trees down along the bend were about three inches to the left of where they were the day before and the water was about five inches deeper, but then Hemingway remembered he got something in his pants, and he had to go home and fill it.
Mike: "Strip off your breach cloth, white boy, and show me what makes America so great!", she cried!
Mark: They continued to make mad, passionate love...
Greg: Doggy style!
John: Nick looked at the dog, doing it doggy style with the trout by the water. It was good. It reminded him of Spain, and even Rubber Jordan, even Gary Cooper. But then again, he was unmasculine.

Death of a Stand-Up Comic

Jim Sweeney - Agatha Christie
Steve Steen - Andrew Morton
Paul Merton - Hello! Magazine
Tony Slattery - The Rhyming Couplets of Rupert Bear
Jim: Inspector Throbmorton surveyed the scene. There lay Charlie Chuckles, he was dead. Miss Marple entered the room. "What do you make of it, Miss Marple?" The frail old lady look at him and said, "I've still got all me own teeth, me!"
Steve: I stopped him throwing himself down the stairs just at the last moment. It could have been so much bad for him...
Clive: "So much bad for him"?
Steve: That's Andrew Morton for you!
Paul: As he came down the stairs, the elegant stairs built in the 17th century were not finished until 1958, he caught my eye and I realised he was a man very much in love, him and Di surely have got a marriage made in heaven.
Tony: Rupert spied his trousers on, much nicer they were than Paul Mert-on's. .With this thought in his head he leapt, out of the window then he wept, for he did see along the street, someone who he thought was a bit of a geet!^ I think I see you out my window by the corner store!
  • New tool for website promoters/link addicts 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: General]

Jim: "You're babbling, Miss Marple!" said Throbmorton. "You're talking in rhyme! What are you talking about?" "I tell..."
Steve: I'll tell you I was so depressed I threw myself and tried to impale myself on Barbara Cartland's eyelashes but it just didn't work...
Paul: Barbara Cartland, can there be a more respected woman in Great Britain...?
Tony: Barbara Cartland, witch and hag, too much make-up, fascist bag!
(Post-game) Clive: Twenty-seven points each there plus a libel suit against Tony from Barbara Cartland's lawyers.

Day in the Life of a Nursery School

Jim Sweeney - Lewis Carroll
Steve Steen - Jackie Collins
Tony Slattery - Disembodied head from TV ads for The Sun Newspaper
Mike McShane - Dr. Seuss
Jim: Alice was feeling very flustered. The 5 year olds had just set fire to her feet. It was a perfectly normal Friday but somehow she felt a little stoned. "Don't bogue up that joint fix" said the caterpillar in the corner. "Pass the dutchie on the left hand side".
Steve: The caterpillar was called Blanche Du Celery, and she moved into the sunlight, arching her back and moaning slightly, her proud breasts standing out like pink...
Tony: And you can see them on page 3. There's always more nude caterpillars in the Sun.
Mike Alice said, beyond belief, "I will not smoke that massive spleef. / That massive spleef is so huge, I feel like riding in your luge". / And the caterpillar then, he got in and said "My name is Ben. / Get in my louge and I will fly, we'll fly and then we'll say goodbye".
Jim: Alice suddenly had a screaming attack of the munchies, and the 5 year olds had taken away all her chocolate.
Steve: And then two Dutch lorry drivers came in. One was called Truck van Rental, the other was called Hertz van Hire.
Tony: They stood there playing the Alice Bingo Game, which ...
Mike: "If the game is done, I'd like to leave, my children have left before me I believe," / The caterpillar said "You cannot go, we have to go to the planet Schmo". / So Schmo they went, and Schmo they did, and they found themselves a little kid, / who was part of a group but he was crying, and on his butt were two eggs frying.


Been dumped by Clive Anderson

Chip: Hey, you've had a couple too many. What's your problem?
Jane: Clive, he's left me.
Chip: I get more women in here with that.
Jane Brucker:
Can you imagine, I want to get high, do you have a joint?
Do you know what I have to do, just to get a point?
Oh I know that my love for him, could never be,
What I've had to do, to win on TV.
Chip Esten:
I know it's sad, when you can't date,
A sexy moderator, with a shiny pate.
The more kind of girls come here, and they're crying in these joints,
Yeah you may have lost him, but I've just lost all my points.

Angry about constipation

Mike: What can I do for you?
Steve Steen:
I've come in here, I'm in a bit of a flap,
And you look like a helpful chap,
I feel all cornered, like I'm in a trap,
And it's just because I just can't crap.
Mike McShane:
Don't try here, it'll be a big mess,
I'm stuck for a solution, I confess.
I don't want to see you get any meaner,
So here, take this vacuum cleaner.

Drinking to forget impotence

Mike: So, what's the problem?
Jim Sweeney:
I've got a problem, it's making me sick.
Frankly, I've got a useless dick.
My life it ain't no fun,
Man it's just a real bummer.
Can you help me 'bout my useless dick?
Mike McShane:
Come again? I'm sorry, I'll rephrase that.
I take those problems seriously.
Lack of orgasm can make you deliriously ... upset.
I've got an idea for you, (hands over drink)
Here's a stiff one, that oughta do.
Have yourself another, on the house.

In love with the barman

Mike: So, you've been coming in here quite a bit. What's up?
Tony Slattery:
I'm the bacon and you're my chips.
I'd like to shipwreck in those standy-out nips.
You are the centre of my life,
If you weren't a big butch man, I'd ask you to be my wife.
Mike McShane:
You know a lot of people say strange things,
But very few of them get through to my heart strings.
I've put up a front for, oh so long.
But the burning in your eyes is oh so strong!
You've seen through me! (throws the towel, glass and bottle to the floor)
Then do me!
Right here!
(Mike lies face down on the bar, Tony goes to climb onto him)

Drinking to forget his wardrobe

(Ryan is wearing a bright orange shirt)
Mike: Don't mess with the Neon Love Chicken!
Greg: Who ordered pumpkin?
Ryan: Shut up! Everybody shut up!
Clive: It's the Stiles tartan! I wish I hadn't said that...
Mike: What's got you down in the mouth, huh?
Ryan Stiles:
People say things to me that really make me hurt
Sometimes they complain and joke about my shirt
I'm not sure if it's some other joke that I've missed
People make fun of me because I wear fashions from Sunkist!
Mike McShane:
I know you got problems, I can say
It's a bright shirt, but what the hey!
You're lookin' healthy, believe you and me
With the shirt like that you must be getting your Vitamin C
I tell you baby, keep it alive-a
Dip your shirt in this vodka and have a screwdriver!

In love with an inflatable pig

(As Tony gets up) Mike: Sorry, we're closed!
.Mike: I haven't seen you around here for the last couple of weeks.^ Unless you are a Fundamentalist Christian then the Earth is a couple thousand years old and was invented by some guy named God in about a week.
  • Whose Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense is it Anyway? - Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense 25 January 2010 15:46 UTC [Source type: FILTERED WITH BAYES]

What's going on, Tony?
Tony: They've been difficult times. Shall I tell you about it?
Mike: Lay it on me, brother!
Tony Slattery:
I've got a problem, I'd like to report
When I see Porky Pig, my pants distort!
Oh yeah, you know what I mean
When I see that porker, I spill my seed
You know, animals are my ilk
I spray them with man-milk
I go, oh yeah, Porky you're the one
For me! (snorts like a pig)
Mike McShane:
I've heard all around town
How you've been throwin' down
Hanging out at that late night cottage
Indulging in some porcine frotage
Well you gotta get away from that
It's gonna ruin you and your name, you bad cat
I say don't do you no harm
Go get yourself a nice place on the farm
But remember, above all
Doing too much pork raised cholesterol!

In love with teddy bears

Josie: (Hands over a drink) Here you go.
Ryan: Thank you. It's not alcohol is it?
Josie: No, just apple juice.
Ryan Stiles
I've got a friend, he's kind of new
He likes me and I don't know what to do.
He talks to me and sometimes he begs,
It's hard to turn down that furry little thing between my legs!
Josie Lawrence:
You really are a very silly fellow
Teddies shouldn't go down below, they should remain on the pillow
If you keep putting him there he'll get all nasty and wet
So don't keep doing it, just use a neighbour's pet!
(Josie looks embarrassed at what she's just sung!)
Clive: Does the expression of "teddy bear" bear a different meaning in America?

Angry about his middle name

(As Tony approaches the bar) Josie: (Sarcastically) Oh this'll be a clean one!
Clive: Angry about his middle name, that's a very good suggestion for this game...
Tony: I am actually, it's Declan!
Clive: Well you can bring some of that into the song if you want...
Josie: Come on, drink that, calm down!
Tony: I can't calm down, I'm too angry!
Josie: What about?
Tony Slattery:
I've got a middle name and I feel malicious! Yeah!
'Cos my parents called me Patricious!
This middle name, it's such a heavy load
But when I say it I feel my testicles explode!
Josie Lawrence:
You've been drinking far too much, make sure you don't get in a car
And remember it's not the name your mum and daddy gave you that matters, it's the person inside who you are!
So be proud Patricious! Come on, take my flattery!
It's much better than being called Tony Slattery! (Tony spits his drink across the bar)

Drinking to forget his tax demand

Greg: Hi, Chip!
Chip: Hey, what's the matter, huh?
Greg: Well, I... my mind is all full of things
Chip: Tell me one.
Greg Proops:
I made a lot of cash this year, you could say that I am rich.
But now they want all my money 'cause the government is a bitch.
I wish I'd paid as I went along, I guess that I'm just a nut, but,
Now they want it all, I guess they're gonna bite me in the butt.
Chip Esten:
Ohh... that's kinda sad, (Greg: Yeah!) they should carry you out on a gurney,
When you get so reamed by that old tax attorney,
But what you can do, if I can be so bold to guess,
Is drive a car bomb into the IRS!

In love with dogs

Ryan: Hey Chip!
Chip: Hi!
Ryan Stiles:
You know lately, life really stinks.
Open up that bottle and keep pouring the drinks.
My wife died about an hour ago,
Didn't want her to but that's the way it is you know.
But I figured, hey, why sit around and grieve her?
I've got a dog at home, I'm in love with my retriever.
Chip Esten:
That's kind of funny, on valentines,
You send a card to your canine.
And then when you're in your house, you're not there all alone,
'Cause your girlfriend can fetch a bone!

Angry about a jacket

Tony: Look at my face! Is this an angry face?
Chip: That's an angry face!
Tony: Shall I tell you why?
Chip: Tell me!
Tony Slattery:
I went to a store, I spent a lot of bucks! (Chip: Bucks!)
I came out with this, and boy does it suck! (Chip: Suck!)
But the most important thing, and this is what I'd like to share,
I hate this jacket 'cause it's made of bits of Lionel Blair.
Chip: I'll tell you what.
Tony: What?
Chip Esten:
Man you got reamed, when you went into that store,
They said it was velvet, but it's only cheap velour.
That salesman's good, that boy he is no slouch,
He ripped that sucker right off his old couch.

Annoyed about being jilted

Mike: That's the fifth one.
Colin: Oh, I'm annoyed.
Mike: You're annoyed, huh? What're you annoyed about?
Colin Mochrie:
Let me tell you what happened to me,
As I entered matrimony,
It didn't happen,
The girl that I loved, just left.
It wouldn't bother me ordinarily,
But... la la la lee lee,
What can I do, I'm so annoyed, oh-oyed, oh-oyed.
Mike McShane:
You know sometimes words won't do,
Instead you gotta say habadascabwoob wabada woo,
You've gotta move on to greener pastures some day. (Colin: Whoah ho, like a cow!)
It's greener on the other side,
And listen buddy, I'm a bartender, I'd never lie,
So get out and find another fish in the sea today. (Colin: Hey hey!)
Hey hey! (Colin walks back to his seat)
Hey, pay for your fucking drink!

In love with cats

Mike: (picking hair off Tony) Where in the hell have you been?
Tony Slattery:
I've got a passion, from which I will not be swerved. Aha.
I'm like Mrs Slocombe from 'Are You Being Served?'. Wha ha.
You may think that I'm some kind of wussy,
But I can't get enough of daily pussy.
I'm in love, in love with my feline friends. Wha ha ha.
Mike McShane:
You've got a problem, a problem on your hands.
I can smell it, it's those kitty love glands.
You've been working overtime in the bowl,
Doing the fur jelly roll.
You gotta knock off, knock off the stray pussy.

Celebrating being invited to the Queen's Garden Party

Mike: A nice summery day, huh?
Ryan: (Depressed) Yeah.
Mike: Hey, what's got you down? You should be the happiest guy in the world!
Ryan Stiles:
I got some kind of extraordinary news today.
A special person's called me over, for a little play.
She's the best one that I've ever seen,
Unfortunately it's not that same queen,
That you're thinking 'bout... this girl's name is Roy.
Mike McShane:
Queen Roy is quite a queen. (Ryan: Aha!)
The toughest queen that you've ever seen. (Ryan: Whoah ho ha!)
But her parties are legendary. (Ryan: Really?)
There's naked men on a trapeze,
Nicholas Parsons covered in cheddar cheese,
Swingin' from the balcony chandeliers. (Ryan: Sounds like it's great!)
You're just in time for the vomit fountain of beer! (Ryan runs off to be sick)

In love with a television set

Mike: So what seems to be the problem?
Ryan Stiles:
I'm afraid I've got a little bit of trouble, I've caught VD
I had unprotected sex with my TV
He swooned me, talked to me, told me his love fable
Before I knew it I was yanking on his big TV love cable!
Mike McShane:
Too many channels, so little time
Love for TV surely must not be a crime
When you're surfing with a wand in your hand
You're riding on the waves and baby, don't you feel grand?
But you'd better back off, that much more
Or your thumb will get flicking sores!
You won't be able to keep it up
Your fervent wish
Is use safe sex when you use the dish!

Celebrating loss of virginity in Spain

Greg: Buenos nachos!
Niall: Hey, welcome to the bar, would you like some tortillas? Oh no, that's Mexico, who cares. I've been around you know.
Greg: You certainly have. I'm in a good mood tonight.
Niall: Oh yeah?
Greg: I have much to celebrate! (bangs chair on floor)
Niall: Watch the floorboards, buster!
Greg Proops:
Late last night I had a plan.
I would go home with my first woman.
I got her home, she was beguiling.
And when I was done, she was smiling.
I took off her capa, and revealed, (Niall: Hai yai yai yai yai yai!)
A secret so surprising that I squealed. (Niall: {Clap clap clap clap clap})
The senorita was no woman:
But, was TV presenter Clive Anderson!
Clive: I remember it well.
Greg: He was so, so gentle, so nice.
Niall: You're sure it was Clive Anderson?
Greg: I can't be mistaken. His head glowed!
Niall Ashdown:
It was him!
You are the luckiest man alive, (Greg: Don't I know?)
Now that you've gone to bed with Clive. (Greg: Whoa ho.)
Do not worry that it was ineffectual,
And the fact that Clive's heterosexual,
Doesn't matter about the failing of your plan, (Greg: My plan!)
When you look like you, you've got to get it where you can!


Mike: [holding a slimy-looking blue blob] If you loved me, you'd swallow it.
Sandi: I love you, I swallowed it, here's the result.

Mike: (holding a tombstone-shaped piece of foam) Ebenezer Scrooge! Look upon this tombstone! Whose name does it say?
Denalda: Yours!

Stephen: (dances with hairy object) I know darling, but over there is a man with no hair at all
Colin (uses same object) Oh, sorry, one of your eyebrows fell off.

Steve: (holding ball attached to string on forehead) Hello, I'm an extra on Doctor Who
Mike: (does the same) Hello, I'm an extra on Eldorado, they're desperate.

Mike: (holding long pole near crotch area) Hello, and welcome to Clive's dream.

(Colin is holding three circles stacked on top on one another)
Ryan: Mirror, mirror on the wall...
Colin: Shut up! You're ugly!

(Ryan is wearing an oversized cone covering most of his body)
Colin: Today on Donahue, Anorexic witches.


Snow White

Sandi Toksvig (Snow White) is interviewed by Tony Slattery (from a rock magazine)
Tony: So is it true you, er, you, er, sort of went to bed with each Dwarf in turn? Or is that just light gossip?
Sandi: Well I think it's fair to say I've loved each Dwarf individually, in their own special little way.
Tony: Are they very little in every way?
Sandi: Well, certainly Grumpy not very big, and I think that's what makes him quite so grumpy. but Happy has got a real way with him.
Tony: But that's just coke, presumably.
Sandi: Well yes, sometimes we have Coca-Cola and then sometimes we have crisps, and that's a really jolly time!
Tony: I bet you have 7-Up as well! I mean it's hearsay, I mean, do tell me what happened in the Château Marchmand, I mean, you know?
Sandi: Well we went in first, we played with the little animals, and we laid out our picnic, and then we shagged senselessly!
Clive: Last question, Tony.
Tony: Oh, and finally, I just wanted to know what precisely is, 'cos there've been rumours. (sniff) your relationship (pretends to snort a line) with the, er, with the Wicked Witch?
Sandi: Well, it's not been carnal, but we do like to do it looking in the mirror!

World's Worst

Person to comfort somebody on their deathbed

  • Archie: Well Mr. Sampson, erm... of course you only have 20 hours to live. Listen, we'd like to ask a favour. Some of the interns need experience in giving an enema. Would you mind...?
  • John: (American accent) Uncle Jack! It's Tommy, I've come all the way from California, I'm hitching round Europe. Is it okay when you're dead if I can sleep in your bed 'cos there's nowhere to sleep round here, okay?
  • Jimmy: Well, look on the bright side, Terry - I mean at least you won't have to watch England in the next bleedin' World Cup, will ya?
  • Archie: Well there's good news and some bad news. The bad news is you only have six hours to live. The good news is though, you've won the Irish Sweepstakes! 23 million dollars!
  • John: (Mimics tickling the patient) Are you ticklish? You're ticklish aren't ya? I bet you are!
  • Rory: David Johnson, BBC News. How does it feel to be dying?
  • John: You haven't seen Star Wars? Oh well, Ben Kenobi, erm, arrives back on the planet...
  • Jimmy: I bet you feel stupid about being a bloody atheist now, don't you eh?
  • John: (Irish accent) One last song before you die - (sings) I met a girl who sang a song that had ninety-five verses to go!
  • Archie: Look dad, I know with male chauvinism and all that, how men aren't supposed to be able express themselves emotionally, well... I just wanted to tell you that... I (chokes)... I think you're a son of a bitch! You took every chance I had away!
  • Rory: So don't forget... If you ever need life insurance, here's the card!
  • Jimmy: Fuck me, you look terrible!

Person auditioning for Romeo and Juliet

Paul: So, uh, this Juliet's 15 in it, is she?
John: But, soft! What light breaks from yonder window? I'm left looking an arsehole, she's up there in the window! (buzz) She goes around in tights, I'm left standing here, and there's been an eruption!
Jonathan: But how old do you see Romeo as?
John: Oh, I suppose that in 1958, I was doing it last. But I think it's a way, a way that... (buzzer)
Jonathan: But I see it as a natural progression from everything I've been doing. I mean, MacBeth, Hamlet, Lear...
Josie: Oh yes, I think I'd be just right for the part, actually. I mean "Shak-es-peare" is my favorite writer.
John: (sticks ears out) It's not about being handsome, it's about being passionate!

Person to go on a blind date with

  • Rory: (picks his nose) I'm not picking my nose, I'm just trying to kill a cockroach that got stuck up there
  • Tony: (speaks emotionless) Hello, you must be Debbie, wanna go for an indian? (stiffs loudly)
  • Tony: Hello Peter, I'm Tony. Does it matter if you were expecting a woman?
  • Tony: Hello, you must be Debbie... Bloody Hell! No one told me you had the face of a dog's bum!
  • Rory: Hope you don't mind, I brought my husband and kids along
  • John: Do you know the poetry of Rod McEuen? It goes... (buzzed)
  • Rory: I haven't thought of one. I just need the exercise
  • Jonathan: I just want to say I did lots, but they were all edited out.

Person to be President of the United States

  • Griff: (American accent) Hi, I'm George Bush.
  • Richard: Hi, I'm Michael Dukakis.
  • Paul: (American accent) I, Lee Harvey Oswald...
  • Richard: (Russian accent) Wait a minute, don't be put off by the funny blemish on my head...
  • Griff: Hi, hi, I'm Mike Smith, I'm running for president!
  • Richard: Hi! I'm Earl Jones of Earl Jones Ford! I've sold more Fords than anybody in Texas! I could correct our trading balances like that!
  • Paul: President Bernard Manning 'ere...
  • John: (as Matthew Corbett with Sooty) Hello, so here he is, and he's got.. Sooty, Sooty, don't touch the boiled egg. No, don't... don't touch... No! (wipes his eye) Bye-bye, everybody. Bye-bye.
  • Richard: (as Sylvester Stallone) Yo, I think I was so successful with the Rambo films, I deserve a chance to lead the country because I look good with muscle oil on.
  • Griff: (to camera) I'm a bad actor too.
  • John: (as Griff) Hello, I'm Griff, so if you're gonna assasinate him you've got two of us!

Way to greet the Royal Family

  • John: (speaks middle-class) Hello, you're still living in the fifties, how extraordinary, cigarette?
  • Stephen: Whop some skull on that bit! (after mixed response from audience) I didn't say that, I'm sorry.
  • John: Yeah, funny what happened to the Roman officers, blood everywhere! Down in this basement... really sad.
  • Stephen: That reminds me, I must buy a stamp.
  • Enn: No we have met before actually, it was at the Wigmore Club, wasn't it?
  • Josie: Sorry, your majesty, I won't curtsey if you don't mind. I have a cold and I'm dripping from every orifice.
  • John: Is it true that you do breathe and don't go to the toilet, or is it the other way around?
  • Enn: Your Majesty. (bows and farts loudly)
  • Stephen: They're just a middle class German family, aren't they?

Thing to say at a wedding

  • Josie: He loves me, you know!
  • Mike: She's great, huh? (chuckles suggestively)
  • Paul Rider: Your future wife is ugly!
  • Greg: Um, does anyone know the vows? 'Cos I've misplaced my papers today...
  • Mike: I just wanna tell you Lisa, that Tom will be a very good husband. I know.
  • Josie: Oh, that nylon wedding dress looks lovely. Do you sweat a lot in it?
  • Greg: God I'm glad to be gettin' rid of that little bitch, she's been sponging off me for years!
  • Mike: You're wearing that!?
  • Paul Rider: (stretches out the skin on his neck) I've swallowed the wedding invitation!

Person to lead soldiers into battle

Sandi: (covers eyes) It's that way!
Ryan: Who did I give the bullets to?
Tony: (Screams wildly)
Ryan: (looks away) Okay, let's get ready (looks at camera) you guys look great!
Sandi: Before we go, I thought we would have a quick curry.
Ryan: Remember, just the Germans. No frogs. (sticks tongue out like a frog)
Sandi: It's not as bad as they say, there are more of them, but we've got the gun!

Thing to say or do to someone in hospital at Christmas

Tony: Chief Superintendent, you've got some visitors - it's the Kray twins!
Sandi: We had the most marvelous time, it was such a shame you were banged up, we went to this party, we went to that party, we've been so drunk and... erm...
Josie: (as a child) Hello granny, I've got a new song! (sings, out of tune as a child) The sun'll come out tomorrow...
Greg: If you die can I have your presents?
Mike: Hi, how are you feeling? Look, I wanna get a couple of pictures for the kids as you won't be there for the Christmas party, now smile!
Josie: Awww you're in traction are you? (pulls on the traction pulley)
Tony: What's this drip do? (takes drip out and fluid squirts everywhere)
Paul: Yes, I was doctor who operated on you, I seem to have lost a pair of scissors somewhere...
Mike: Hello, my name's Eric, I'm the Enema Elf, let's see the South Pole!

Thing to say or do at a funeral

  • Ron: I don't know the deceased, but I don't think that will prevent my duties as vicar from being done here today. So, what was the cat's name?
  • Sandi: He was such a nice man, his last words to me were "I'm coming darling!" That was so nice... Oh you're his wife...
  • Ron: Mrs. Smithers, er... he owed me £10, if you could see your way clear...
  • Tony: Dearly beloved, bretheren, ashes to ashes, oh this is too dreary, we'll do something else. (dances) Yes sir, I can boogie...
  • Rory: Er, Mrs. Perkins, before your husband plummeted off the 200-foot block of flats and got his head caught on the spikes on the railings, did he mention my Procol Harum album?
  • Sandi: Hi, I'm from the insurance company, I'm afraid the claim doesn't look at all good...
  • Ron: (drunkenly) Happy New Year!
  • Tony: Mrs. Johnson, I know your husband would have wanted me to tell you that he thought were a faithless, talentless cow!
  • Rory: Tickets please, tickets please... It's a what? A funeral! Oh sorry, I thought it was a bus!
  • Ron: (pops out of the coffin) Surprise! I'm not dead!

Person to be trapped in a lift with

  • Mike: (gruffly) Can you go and get that button for me, I just had a hell of a curry dish...
  • Josie: (says slowly) Oh dear, we're stuck. I've just been out to buy a carving knife!
  • Tony: (screams wildly)
  • Paul: Hello, my name's John Sessions! (Clive: Oh, please!)
  • Mike: That was a great party, It's moving right...? (looks nauseous)
  • Tony: I'm sorry my waters are breaking! AARGH!!
  • Paul: Do you mind if I bring the pigs in with me, do you?
  • Josie: Whoops! Never mind, lucky I've got my cassette deck and my Bros tapes!
  • Tony: Look, the thing to do is not panic. Let's just keep out sprits up (sings) Kumbaya my Lord...
  • Mike: Looks like the elevator's stuck for a little while (chuckles suggestively)
  • Paul: Yes, that's right, Hitler's the name, what about it?
  • Josie: (acts like an old woman) I suppose we could always take our clothes off and have sex

Entertainment Act

Mark: I'm gonna juggle my boogers.
Tony: Hello. I like to entertain my singing songs. (sings badly) Betcha bygolly, wow...
Josie: Watch me do now the inner dance movement motion of my inner organs.
Mark: Now the Star-Spangled Banner. (tries to make armpit noises)
Mike: Next, Alonzo and his Giant Tongue will lick everybody in Albert Hall!
Tony: Now the clapping man. (claps)
Mike: I would like to now do my imitations of famous Phoencian poets.
Josie: This poem is a little more light-hearted. (buzz)
Mark: I will now chew my nails into all the Disney characters.
Tony: Great moments in history. Number 1, the parting of the Red Sea. (unzips trousers)

Person to be a Superhero

  • Mike: Don't worry, Flatulence Man will save you!
  • Colin: Ah a phone booth! (tries to get into the phone booth but the door is jammed)
  • Tony: You're safe, it's Ballet Man! (does a flying ballet jump)
  • Sandi: *Squelch* Hello, I'm Incontinence Woman! (crosses eyes)
  • Colin: Don't worry, it's me, Salmon Man! (writhes on the floor like a fish)
  • Mike: Don't, feck off! I, Captain Forgetful will help you... Where's my costume? WHERE'S MY COSTUME!?
  • Sandi: Listen I really wanna save you but the baby's due any minute...
  • Tony: You will not burn down the Forth Bridge! Not faced with Mime-O-Tron! (acts like a bad mime artist)

Person to Captain a Submarine

  • Greg: I hope no-one else has claustrophobia!
  • Mike: WHERE ARE THEY? WHERE ARE MY GLASSES!? (Mike has his back to his camera and his glasses are on the back of his head!)
  • Tony: Come on everybody! Don't get depressed because we're 8,000 feet under! (sings) We're in the long bit metal pointy thing...
  • Sandi: Well it's not a problem, you just pull down the periscope. You just pull... (tries jupming to reach it but cannot due to her short height)
  • Mike: (holding his nose) I'd like to tell the mess sergeant that we will not be having curry again this week...
  • Greg: No, I don't mind that the bunks are so close...
  • Tony: (shrugs his shoulders) Hello, I'm your new captain, I'm Clive Anderson!

Idea for a Television Programme

  • Mike: Hi, this week on the Home Surgery Network, we have a fantastic deal, spleens...
  • Mark: This is Bob Dylan's Speech Class!
  • Greg: Hello, and welcome to the Disney Channel's Snuggles the Loveable Python!
  • John: (as a boring Englishman) Hello. On the show today, what we'd like to do for an hour is to count all the threads in this rug.
  • Mark: All right, welcome to Amputee Hour! Our first contestant...
  • Mike: Hello, PBS is proud to announce Joseph Campbell's "Chickens in the Age of the Aegean Civilization."
  • John: (American accent) Hi, my name's Tommy and I'm gonna teach you how to talk Cockney. Here's an example of Cockney. (bad Cockney accent) Whatcha mate, gosh isn't it foggy? (American accent) See you next week!
  • Mark: Welcome to Cannibal Cooking!
  • Mike: Hello, I'm Tommy, and you're watching Aerobics For The Listless.

Person to perform an operation on you

  • Stephen Frost: (drunkenly) Let's go for a kebab first!
  • Tony: I've done thousands of appendectomies (starts shaking violently) Don't worry, I'll...
  • Jim: (also drunkenly) Where's the patient then?
  • Steve Steen: (as a Thunderbirds character) Hold still, you won't feel a thing!
  • Stephen: (as a karate black belt) Hwahh!!
  • Jim: (as a blind person) Where's the patient?
  • Tony: *Burp* Go on then... (holds nose before emptying his nasal contents into the patient)
  • Steve: Now ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I'm going to saw the patient in half right now.
  • Stephen: (as someone from Blue Peter) And here's a patient, I.. cut up.. later. Earlier!
  • Tony: I'm terribly sorry, I'm not the surgeon... I'm a xylophonist! (plays xylophone on the patient's ribs)
  • Jim: Nah I'll be alright, might be a bit shaky, I mean after I lost the last one they left me off this for a long time...
  • Steve: (sticks his hands into the patient) I'm glad you're here, 'nuff cold out!

Person to visit you in the hospital

Brad: What are all these hoses for?
Ryan: Uh, I'm not sure, but I think you're going to have to leave your sickle outside.
Greg: Here, Grandpa, have some hard candy.
Colin: So your wife's home all alone?
Brad: I've put a lovely lace doily on your bedpan.
Ryan: Uh, Phil, what are you going to be doing with your stereo?
Greg: What do you think of this epitaph?
Brad: My dad died of the same thing.
Colin: About that ten bucks you owe me...
Ryan: Uh, I work for the airlines. Could we have the food your not finished with?
Greg: Time for your sponge bath.

Person to take confession

  • Greg: Tell me again, except this time, go slower! (Greg stands to one side as though he is attempting to hide an erection)
  • Tony: That is an appalling crime, my son, for which the punishment is this - you have to be in the studio audience of Kilroy!
  • Colin: (nods before removing his headphones) Pardon?
  • Ryan: No, no, go ahead... (growls, swivels head and rolls eyes like he's possessed)
  • Greg: Yes, these booths are really close, is that Paco Rabanne? It's a lovely cologne...
  • Colin: ... Done it ...
  • Tony: Yeah, oh stuff that! Pop down the shops and get me twenty Rothmans.
  • Ryan: No, no, I'm listening! How do you like your burger?
  • Greg: You'll have to pardon me, I just dropped acid before I got here!
  • Tony: Carry on - Baa! - Ssh, be quiet!
  • Ryan: Everything's "you you you!" What about me?

Things to say before or during sex

  • Ryan: Oh Ryan! Ryan!
  • Josie: (laughs maniacally) Sorry... (laughs maniacally again)
  • Russell: Well, Vanessa... Philippa! Sorry...
  • Ryan: Cap'n! The Injuns can't take much more of this!
  • Greg: Twenty bucks? Well, seeing as how you are a member of the Royal Family...
  • Ryan: The Chunnel is open for business!
  • Greg: I know what you like, pumpkin - I'm wearing the Clive Anderson mask!
  • Ryan: ("sings") Yo-ho, we're going down! We're going down...
  • Russell: (as Quasimodo) I think my hump has burst!
  • Josie: No, stop! I haven't videoed Neighbours!
  • Greg: Who ordered Hot Stud Bucket?
  • Ryan: And.... 3 minutes 52 seconds!

Nature Show

  • Tony: As we can see, on the plains... they're shagging, they're shagging!
  • Greg: Tonight on the "World of man", we explore human procreation, with me and my wife. Get ready... (Clive: Alright then)
  • Colin: ...Now, how do we put the leopard back together?
  • Greg: These are the rarest beetles in the world. [loud crunch] ... These were the rarest beetles in the world.
  • Tony: What we do to these charming chi-uha-uhas is to set fire to them
  • Ryan: (back to the camera) baa! (looks at camera suspiciously)

Person to sit next to on a plane

Josie: We're going to crash, we're going to crash, we're gonna crash!
Colin: (looks suspiciously) Tick, tick, tick, tick...
Josie: Let's see how long it takes to suck out boiled sweets.
Greg: (drunk) I've been drinking with the pilot for hours.
Ryan: Some guy's been drinking with me for hours!
Colin: (pukes in barf bag after barf bag)
Greg: Hey. You ever been to Cuba before?
Josie: I've got a tub of margarine in my bag.
Colin: (pretends to open window and stick his head out)
Greg: Deodorant? No, I don't believe in...
Ryan: I've got lots of margarine down my pants!
Josie: Poem number 80...
Ryan: (old) You know, I used to build these things.
Colin: (singing) Luck be a lady tonight, everybody! Luck be a lady tonight...

Person to audition for Hamlet

  • Mike: (as a stand-up comic) Hey-hey! Alright, here's one! The king comes in you know, he's been sleeping with his mother, and it really upset...
  • Jim: I think it needs some lightening up, maybe Hamlet could have a song (sings) Oh, to be, to be or not to be, that is the question...
  • Steve: Is it set in Denmark, 'cause I don't have a passport?
  • Tony: (very camp) I'm Danny La Rue, I've been in the business forty years!
  • Mike: Here, just let me get the tights on, Frank, woah! (falls over)
  • Jim: Basically, he's a man on the edge. I know how he feels... (twitches, then giggles manically)
  • Steve: (Spanish accent) ¡Si, my contract with Eldorado has just finished!
  • Tony: Tobe, or not tobe...
  • Steve: (as John Major) To be or not to be? That's a good question, a fair question and one which I intend to deal with..

Weather reporter

Stephen: It's pissing down out there.
Tony: Hello, my name's Michael Fish.
Ryan: (does an Indian chant)
Colin: (pretends to stick his hand out the window)
Tony: Somedays, it will be hot (pants). Somedays it will be cold, brrr. There will be wind. (blows)
Ryan: (acting like a stoner) Word is there's gonna be some acid rain over the weekend.
Stephen: And if the piece of string moves, it's going to be very windy.
Ryan: Put your hand out the window. Feel wet? Well, it might be raining then.
Colin: Well, let's check with the weather snake. It's cold out there!
Ryan: Things will be heating up over the week. Much like that bitch who took me for everything I had!
Tony: (very high voice) Welcome to the weather forecast on GMTV.

Person to sit next to during an exam

  • Tony: (spits water out)
  • Tony: (shouts) Stop looking at my papers!
  • Stephen: This one's pretty difficult, but I'll be better at the French oral.
  • Ryan: I'll never pass this test. Yes, you will. No, I won't!
  • Tony: No! Let's rebel against the bourgeois exam system!
  • Colin: (pretends he's typing on a typewriter)
  • Ryan: (pretends to blow up a doll) Sit next to me.

Person to be President of the world in an intergalactic crisis

Tony: (imitating Jimmy Krankie) Ohh Fandabidozi!
Rory Bremner: (imitating Ronald Reagan) Will you give me another go?
Tony: Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Nix... oh dear!
Clive: Topical now, it'll be great in six months time...
Tony: He'll still be dead!
Mike: Would you trade this universe for a big box powder?
Rory: (imitating Nick Ross) At 10 o'clock last night, the universe was destroyed. Were you in the area?
Josie: (northern accent) Would anybody like a cup of tea?
Rory: (imitating Clive) All right, so I'd like you to form a government in the sort of, erm, in the style of, erm, well something, erm...
Tony: The universe is facing a time of crisis. Now, with the opportunity to learn some very basic jazz dance! (dances across the stage)

Things for a doctor or surgeon to say

Tony: (spits water into hands)
Greg: Is this gerbil yours?
Tony: We use a gentle anasthetic here (sings) Go to sleep
Ryan: I have to say Mr Johnson, your wife is one hot looking babe
Colin: Now, the penis is the droopy thing, right?
Clive: (in response to Colin) Usually.
Greg: Am I taking something in, or pulling something out?
Ryan: With friends like these, who need enemas?
Ryan: (mimes performing an operation) Excuse me (quietly sings) the knee bones connected to the (inaudioable speech)

Person to go on Holiday with

Ryan: Oh look at that lush green valley. It looks like... looks like two legs. Two legs spread wide open. Not just any legs, mind you. But hard, wooden legs that just go: Hey, hey, hey (Clive buzzes) Thank You, Clive.

Person to be a cub scout leader

Mike: Now what you do is you take these plants here, and you let them dry. Gimme the skins!
Greg: (Menacingly) What do you mean you kids don't want to hike across the desert? You're all going!
Ryan: (Mimes shoveling) Oh, you kids shouldn't be up this time of night!
Tony: Okay, children, pay attention. The first rule of cub scouting is you must - must - learn to accept pain.
Mike: Well, actually, Jimmy, I got this merit badge for drowning my wife.
Ryan: (Stoned) 'kay, we've put a little something special in all the cookies we're gonna sell this year.
Mike: Well, that looks like I ate everything and drank all the water, and we're, what, about 50 miles from any place?
Greg: I spent all night making those frilly pink uniforms, and I expect you boys to wear them!
Ryan: And as you can see when we connect all of Billy's pimples, we get something that looks like a sail boat!
Mike: ...and each of their bodies were found horribly mutilated with their skin pulled up over their head. Good night.
Greg: (Growls and walks like a Bigfoot-type monster before taking his mask off) Did I scare anyone?
Ryan: (crouches down) ...and now we, er, look for some leaves!


  • Stephen: Oh, and it pays rather well as well!
  • Tony: Hey, these new homoeopathic perfectly natural tranquillizers really (mimics being shot several times)
  • Stephen: Panty liners for men!
  • Ryan: A man's soap... so I can't use it!
  • Colin: Porkie's - the biscuit that tastes like a pig!
  • Ryan: Jimmy's patent leather shoes. They'll fit up your ass!
  • Colin: Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum, but COME ON DOWN! WE'RE GOING CRAZY!!! (walks towards the camera flailing his arms around)
  • Ryan: Dr. Phillips' Circumcisions - 30 minutes or less, or it's free!
  • Stephen: You take how many dildos in the shower?
  • Tony: Four.
  • Stephen: (Spreads hand over his balding head) Wigs 'r' Us!
  • Ryan: Johnson's Sperm Bank - you're in good hands.
  • Stephen: Unsightly stains? Well use the toilet paper properly!

Person to Sleep with

Caroline: Hello, my name's Clive Anderson.
Ryan: Have you ever met my friend Mr Tricky?
Colin: Baa!
Ryan: (bored) That's the best sex I've ever had. No really, you're the king...
Colin: And after you've shaved my back, I want you to get the cherry whip ... no need.
Caroline: Are you in yet, Darren?
Ryan: You know, what's really weird is that I've noticed in the mirror on the ceiling that I have no reflection.
Tony: Do you mind using marmalade as a lubricant?
Colin: No, you're thinking of my brother Pinocchio. My fingernails just grow.
Tony: Or I could use rubble if you like.
Ryan: I hope you don't mind if I scream my own name.

Things to see on Television

  • Ryan: Well, that looks like me with a guy with a knife behind his- (looks back)
  • Mike: Oh baby, oh yeah, oh baby... MOM?!!
  • Tony: It's Anne Diamond.
  • Mike: It's the OJ Simpson trial, year 2526!
  • Greg: My name is John Major and- (buzz)
  • Ryan: No I won't turn the channel, Satan.
  • Mike: Hi, we're back to the Serial Killers Home Shopping Network, and look at these knives.
  • Greg: (talking like an alien) Citizens of Earth, remain in your homes.
  • Ryan: (sings) They're nipples, identical nipples... (buzz)
  • Greg: (shrugs shoulders like Clive Anderson and gets buzzed)
  • Mike: And now, episode 3 of "Corky: Diary Of A Flatulent".
  • Tony: Oh, it's that programme where Clive patronises people from around the world.
  • Clive: Don't bring Clive James into this.
  • Tony: No, I meant Clive Anderson.
  • Mike: It's the OJ Simpson trial. Hey, he's being defended by Clive Anderson! Ha Ha!
  • Tony: Yes, we're back, and it's round 3 of Saliva Darts. (spits across studio)

Show business act

Ryan: Ladies and gentlemen, Gary the Spitting Squirrel!
Niall: Hello, and now after my vetrinary practice closed down, here I am, Veto the magic act. Come on, Daisy.
Colin: (pretends to literally smack an eye out)
Greg: Hello, we're microscopic explorers on Clive Anderson's head. (buzz) We're looking for hair follicles. (buzz) No luck so far, but we'll be back in an hour.
Ryan: A, apple. B, brontosaurus. C, cookie. D, dickie. E, elephant. (turns to Clive) F- (buzz)
Greg: Yo, I'm Sylvester Stallone. I'd like to read from (gibberish).
Ryan: Hello, I'm Jerry the Human Sundial!
Colin: I know 180 eskimo words for "snow". Bluppo, footnoy, drappo, bemu, pablu... (buzz)
Ryan: (putting each item in his mouth) A little flour, some eggs, some sugar... (sneezes) Happy birthday to you...

Things to say to your inlaws

  • Colin: I would go out with anyone, but she's closest to my age.
  • Ryan: I would like to say Mr. McDonald, Mrs. Mc- Hello!
  • Tony: Yes, we have been going out for a long time. I hope you don't mind the hoof marks on her neck, by the way.
  • Ryan: I would like to say Mrs. McDonald, Mr. Mc- Hello!
  • Tony: The amazing thing about your daughter is that she goes like a bloody steamhammer. She really...
  • Ryan: I am totally in love with her and to prove it, I am wearing one of her dresses.
  • Colin: Uh, well actually, I'm a variety entertainer. I sing through my buttocks.
  • Tony: (In childish voice) When we are married, I want to plant seed in her (buzzer) and make bab- (returns) and make a baby grow out of her tummy.
  • Mike: Mr. McDonald, Mrs. McDonald, how are you doing? I'm so sorry to be at your grandmother's funeral- Hello!
  • Ryan: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, I love your daughter so much. I want to have her - coming, they're coming- I want to have...
  • Tony: (Shrugs Shoulders) Hello, My name's Clive.

News/Documentary Outtake

Ryan: (chuckling) Look at the size of that fire.
Greg: These are the rarest beetles in the world... These were the rarest beetles in the world.
Colin: (shouting) IT'S A TIDAL WAVE!
Ryan: That's all for today. We'll see you tommorrow, and I'm not wearing anything from the waist down.
Colin: Quicksand: (begins to sink) is it really a dangerous...
Ryan: Now these sharks are mostly found off the coast of... (acts like his hands been cut off) AAAAH!
Greg: I'm here in the small, strife-torn central American country of Kwanda, where the prositiutes are the cheapest that I have found. What? What?
Colin: Due to our slipping ratings, out next story... (singing) 15 dead in Manitoba, 60 killed...
Rory: And finally, prime minister, um, do I look fat in this?
Ryan: So for the last time, the Russians have launched the missiles, we assume that we have a little over twenty minutes left. Honey, I've never loved you. I've always wanted to sleep with your sister. She's much more attractive than you. To my boss, who's employed me for the past three years, (gives the finger) screw you, screw you! I hate this job, I hate everything about it.
Rory: (kisses Colin) Martin Bashir, BBC, Kensington Palace.

Joy of Sex Video

Colin: The secret to good sex is making it last... uh-oh.
Greg: There are so many that won't get on the air.... (walks forward) Oh, no, no, no, no, no. (walks back)
Clive: You don't have to stick to members of your own family, Greg.
Rory: I'm Murray Walker. Now look at that! Look at that! Look at that!
Ryan: There's nothing better than sex with loving words and the soft touching and hard driving power, even better with a partner.
Rory: (as Michael Caine) Hello.
Colin: So, once again, let's just go through our foreplay exercises. (shakes his hands)
Greg: When a woman is approaching orgasm, at that time it is appropriate to order a pizza. Now, (buzzer) you're going to want to watch television after...
Ryan: It goes in, it comes out, it goes in, it comes out...
Greg: (acts like a gorilla)
Ryan: Here's a new move a lot of people haven't seen. It's called Rotisserie. (moves his arm around in a clockwise direction)
Greg: (smoking a cigarette) Mornin', kids. This is your old uncle Greg.
Ryan: Hello, I'm Suzy the Vagina.

Chat-Up (Pick-Up) Line

Ryan: Hi there. You know, I've, uh, got cable.
Greg: You don't sweat much for a fat chick.
Karen: These implants are biodegradable.
Colin: You know, I have wood legs, and I know how to get rid of splinters.
Karen: (Asian accent) I'm looking for a man who can give me a green card.
Greg: You know, when I was a woman, I used to go for guys like me.
Ryan: Sure, I'd like to have sex, but it's hard to find four or five hours during the day.
Colin: Wanna hear a Hoedown?
Ryan: My name's Gary, but my friends call me "Tony the Pony".
Karen: You look just like my dad.
Greg: So, you're the Duchess of York. Wanna go to an all-you-can-eat place?
Colin: You know, I can make love in over one position.

Television Programme

Ryan: Hello, and welcome to another epsiode of "Bob Breathes". (takes deep breath in)
Greg: (as John Major) Good morning, children, I used to be Prime Minister.
Colin: Alright. Uh, today on "Cooking With Rats"...
Debi: Good afternoon. Welcome to "Do Your Own Appendectomy".
Ryan: (touches his two pointing fingers) Did you do it?
Colin: Today on "Famous Queen Waves": July 15th, 1954. (waves like the Queen)
Greg: Morning everyone, welcome to the Home Suicide Network.
Ryan: Well, that takes care of the second coat. Why don't we sit back and watch it dry?
Colin: How do you make wine from pork? Well, let's find out...
Debi: Alright, children, now that your parents are out of the house, let's smoke some cigarettes.
Colin: (hold testicles) *cough*, *cough*. Now you.
Greg: (shrugs shoulders) Well, I have checked the scores and, sadly, Ryan is the winner. All that remains is for me to thank tonight contestants...

Television advertisement (with Hats)

Ryan: (chicken mask) Why not eat at Billy's Drive-Through Chicken Stand? It's poultry in motion!
Greg: (large-lensed glasses) (moving hand around) Hello. I have a scientifically formulated skin cream that'll make you look as lifelike as you want to be.
Colin: (witch's hat) Is your head super-pointy?
Greg: (fez) Hello. You may remember me from the Secret Squirrel Show many years ago. Now I'm selling my own line of cosmetics. They're called (buzz) Morocco's Moles. You put them on your face. (buzz) Then you buzz before it's funny.
Ryan: (king tut headdress) Ladies, are you suffering from cramps because you forgot your pyramid?
Josie: (long rubber glove) I wasn't sure about it at first, but once you manage to put the Femedom on, it's easy.
Colin: (clown hat) Here at Wacko's Funeral Parlor...
Greg: (judge wig) Well, I may not be a judge of a lot of things, but I know delicious margarine when I eat it. (buzz) Guilty! It's delicious! The sentence is... toast!
Colin: (winged helmet) It's new with wings.
Josie: (metalworker helmet) You know, acne needn't be a problem.
Ryan: (knight's helmet) At Phil's Hotel, stay three days and get one knight free.
Greg: (police helmet) You know, now that Hong Kong's been given back, there's jobs in the Communist Army for all of us. Come on over. (buzz) Do you like a diet of rice and fish eggs? (buzz) Dou you like marching through the woods 24 hours a day? (buzz) Would you like to share one rifle with everyone in your platoon? Then join. (buzz) Today. (buzz) The buzzing sound you hear is the Capitalists trying to oppress us.

Self Improvement Video

Stephen: (very nervously) If you're lacking... in... confid...
Colin: When making your own hair
Ryan: You don't need to sing to be the head of the party. Not if you clench your butt right (sticks buttocks out)
Colin: (mimes cutting) You want to have lots of confidence. (sniffs) OKAY!!!
Stephen: If you have a busy life, a busy schedule, you need to be organised. You need one... (searches body)
Colin: You can improve your memory in only fifteen minutes with this book. You can improve your memory in only fifteen minutes with this book.
Brad: So, you're gay and you want to learn the accordion...
Colin: You can improve your memory with this book in only fifteen minutes.
Ryan: Sex can be fun, if you have fun with sex. Next time you climax, why not yell out your own name?

Body Product ad

Phil: New Nipple Away!
Ryan: Find there are certain parts of your body you just can't reach to clean? Why not try "Midget in a Can"?
Colin: Do you have a big butt and you don't know what to do with it? Well, with this instant slipcover, you have a new piece of furniture!
Greg: How many times have you heard this: "Mom, I'm covered with ocelot juice"? Well now you dont have to worry cause with Feline Away, brush away those unslightly- (buzz)
Ryan: Embarrased by unsightly moles? Why not have fun? Why not turn it into profit? With the new Scripto 500! (pretends to draw on himself) Oh look, it's a sailboat! (buzz) Join the dots, join the warts to make pictures on your body. It's a sailboat!
Phil: If you're like me, you're tired of having arms! They're always in the way!
Colin: I'm Clive Anderson, I used to have no neck. But now, with new Neck Insert, look! (turns his head left and right)
Greg: (shrugs shoulders) Hello, I'm Clive Anderson. I used to have no hair, but look! (points to hair)
Ryan: Having problem with hemmoroids? Why not try our new hemmoroid taxi? (pretends to enter a car) Fairfax and La Brea!

Song Styles & Duet


Josie Lawrence (in the style of Sondheim):
On my own in my home,
Nowhere to roam.
Just me and my telephone.
What am I gonna do?
When will Harry come and see me and marry me?
Harry, marry me!
Can you hear me sing, Harry?
I just want you to ring, Harry!
Oh my telephone's lonely,
No-one will phone me,
Oh Harry, marry me!
Can you hear me? I'm a believer.
So just pick up your receiver.
John Sessions (Reggae):
(Richard starts playing a reggae tune on the piano)
Is that reggae? Oh, he has it!
Gonna dial-dial-dial-dial,
Make you smile-smile-smile,
It-doesn't-matter-anyway, who-gives-a-toss?

Television Set

Josie Lawrence (Heavy Metal)
(Richard plays a heavy metal tune on electric guitar. Josie struts around the stage, suggestively sucking the microphone)
Baby, baby, I love you,
Can you hear me sob?
Come and treat me like a television,
Come and twist my knob!
Oh-woah! Aw-ful!
Baby, baby, wanna be your maam,
I think you'll find I'm your favourite programme!
Come on baby, see the screen,
On the telly you can HEAR ME SCREAM!
John Sessions (Folk)
(Richard motions to John there will be no musical accompaniment)
A morning came up, it came round and down,
And the Derry folk outside Derby they came down to the town.
They found an old person with a great big fat sweater,
It was getting much larger, getting better and better,
As he put on his television set.
And danced round the television set,
He danced round the television set,
He drank real ale and a ridiculously long pipe was hanging from his mouth.
His girlfriend her name was Betty,
She changed it into Dandelion Stalk, 'cause she was a wanker like him.
And together they would dance,
Together round the town, living in a time before the Goons were around,
But sometime after the First World War, when the hell was it?
With a sweater going up, and down,
They would turn on the television set, but then switch it off,
Because they were funny old wankers from past,
And round they would go,
And round they would go,
Drinking real ale and living in an England
That never really existed.
Josie Lawrence (Eurovision Song Contest)
Your love really turns me on,
Oh I like it when you twist my dial.
I really love your style.
Oh, I want all your love,
All the love I can get,
Your love for me is like a television set. (Richard stops playing)
And it goes la la la...
I hadn't finished!


Mike McShane (Blues)
I've got a garden, in my backyard,
All the dirt is packed, Lord it's mighty hard.
But I get out there, with a big old hose,
And I lay down the liquid, and Lord goodness knows,
The ground it gets wet, and it starts to shake,
And then the loose seeds and flowers they start to make.
I can't get enough of pottering round the yard,
You know I feel so damn good, it gets me hard.
You know my garden is a way to be,
Just turn on the pipe, grab the hose and shake it out 1-2-3,
If you want to get in there, and work me, goodness knows,
Well baby come on over, and remember to bring your hose.
Josie Lawrence (Edith Piaf)
I have walked around these streets, for many years,
Now you see me, I am alone, crying tears, lots of tears.
Oh, my life has been hard, one followed by another swipe,
My tears are falling, my eyes are like a hosepipe.
Pouring out, see them spout,
Why am I always so sad?
Oh I have no regrets,
But my face is always wet.
Oh why did you go away,

Ironing Board

Josie Lawrence (Reggae)
(Richard plays a reggae tune on an electric guitar)
Don't do it baby, don't do that,
Don't put me on the ironing board and leave me flat,
Don't do it, baby.
I bought the ironing board just the other day.
I was quite overawed with the price I had to pay.
For the ironing board,
Oh-oh, for the ironing board.
I tried to unfold it but it wouldn't move,
I was checkin' it out, I was gettin' in the groove,
I tried the ironing board this, and then the other way,
But the ironing board it would not budge and this is what I say
That it was jammin'!
The ironing board was jammin'!
John Sessions (Leonard Cohen)
(Richard plays a downbeat tune on an acoustic guitar)
I woke up one morning, with an ironing board on my head,
My wife didn't understand or realise
That she was meant to iron my shirts and my Y-fronts instead!
I'm tedious, I'm boring, my voice drives you up the wall!
But let's face it, let's face it - I'm from Montréal!

Food processor

Mike McShane (Rock and Roll)
Hey-up, ah-hey yup!
Got a Cuisinart, it's ready to grate
And I make the food, it tastes really great
I chop and I blend, I whip and I purée
Yeah, you go with the puree all day
I can't get enough of the big Cuisinart
I love whippin' up with the big Cuisinart
Go, go! (makes whirring noises)
Go, go! (makes grating noises)
Go, go! (makes whirring noises)
Go, go! (makes chopping noises)
Peeling or grate, don't be late,
Baby I got a Cuisinart goin' on a date!
Josie Lawrence (Spanish flamenco)
This is a little song we sing in my willage...
¡Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai! (Clap, clap, clap...)
There was a man, he was my favourite confessor,
He came to me with a gift, he gave me a food processor.
¡Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! (Clap, clap, clap...)
I looked into his eyes...
...and I was liquidised.
¡He treated me like food!
¡He chewed me up!
¡And spat me...


Mike McShane (Gospel)
Everybody, I'd just like to testify a moment, about a little appliance that means so much to me!
Every morning, breakfast just seems the same
I have some juice and it tastes really lame
But God be praised, God high on the most
I finally found something to whip up my batch of toast!
This slender machine, in the corner of my kitchen I park
And praise be Jesus the bread goes in light, and comes out dark!
Josie Lawrence (Motown)
Ooh-ooh yeah!
(deeper voice) Whoa-whoa yeah!
(normal voice) I must be the saddest toaster in the firmament
Cos' I've been suffering from a burnt out element!
So I cry, cry, cry
I ask why? Why? Why?
No more can I make the bread flip
'Cos they threw me on the toaster tip!
Oh I'm an old toaster, going down on a roller-coaster
Nobody loves me and I'm feeling down, because I can't make the bread go brown!
Oh please I say, don't just toss me away
Baby baby I love you so, please don't let your old toaster go
Don't throw me away! Don't throw me away!
I'm not an animal! Don't chip my ena-ma-mel!


Josie Lawrence (Irish jig)
(Richard plays an Irish jig tune on a tin whistle, Josie dances an Irish jig throughout)
Come listen to my story, I'll tell it now to you,
It goes like this and I'll sing it right through,
It is about a woman, and nothing could placate her,
Unless she was a-sittin' upon a stapler!
And a hey-nonny-no and a hey-nonny-no
And a niggidy-niggidy-ay,
With a staple here and a staple there
And a staplin' all the wayy!
Mike McShane (Soul)
Oh, baby, I work in the office all day,
I see you sittin' there, workin' so hard for for so little pay
I just wanna give you somethin' to prove how much my love means to you
It's a stapler, from me to you, whoa!
Let me hold all the documents in your hand you work with all the time,
Let me give it a squeeze, a clinch, a clamp! Oh, makes me feel fine!
When I'm done with this stapler, you might think I'm a groover,
But wait 'til you see my staple remover!


Mike McShane (Opera)
You - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Think you are good with tools
I've got the jewels for tools
With this hammer ... named Irving
I will carve out a living
And make a house for the gods!
I will carve out of stone
A roof so tall
I will carve out of stone
A god's shopping mall
And after I am done
I'll carve out a career
Since I have none, singing this sooong!
I've gone on too looong!
Now I'll kill myself with a hammer!


Jim Meskimen (Frank Sinatra)
(Clicks his fingers)
It only takes a couple of seconds for you to get me steamed up
It doesn't take very long at all you know
You go away a little while, come back and take a look
A little bell will tell you so
They say that you're too modern for me babe
But I don't feel, I don't feel it's so necessarily so
I won't wear any metal, no not a thing
My how you make, my how you make my coils glow!
Make my coils glow-w *Ping!*
Clive: A full dooby-dooby-doo points there...
Christopher Smith (Opera)
I've been spinning round with you for quite some time, my dear!
I've been going round with you for quite some time, my dear!
When we'll be, the time when we are through
You and I my dearest carousel!
We're travelling on the carousel!
And as we fly we'll cook on through!
From centre-out that's how they do!
That's microwaving you and me shall do
My darling microchef!
My darling microche-eef!
My darling miiiii-croooooooo-chef.


Mike McShane & Josie Lawrence (Love duet)
Josie: Ooooh, uhh yeah, I love you!
Mike: I love you baby! I got a present for you...
Josie: Give it to me!
Mike McShane:
Our love is so heavy, it's so heavy I can't wait,
To tell how I feel about you so I give you this paperweight.
Josie Lawrence:
Well I love you baby, I love you,
And I think I know your caper.
Come on baby, put your weight on me,
And treat me just like paper!
Mike McShane:
You're gonna fly away (Josie: Fly away!)
Unless you have some weight on you! (Josie: Weight on me!)
I'm the weight you've been looking for
And I know just what to do.
Josie Lawrence:
Oh baby, you'll never make sad, never make me frown
You will never weigh me down
I love you and it's not too late
For my lovin' paperweight! (Mike: Paperweight!)
You're my paperweight (Mike: My paperweight!)
You're my paperweight!


Josie Lawrence (drunken auntie)
(Staggers around the stage throughout the song, miming holding a drink)
*Cough-Cough* I know the words! I know the words!
Come on everybody, let's be me-ee-rry!
Come on everybody, let's da-aaa-nce!
In the north they eat shaushages
But they only eat shnails in France, not London!
I don't like to eat a snail
It really makes me sick
But I quite like them if you boil 'em in butter
And add a little bit of garlic!


Mike McShane (MGM musical)
I've got that bar in my hand again,
I've got that bar in my hand and I'm gonna lather up, my friend.
From the top to the bottom I'll scrub,
From back down again, give it a rub,
And you'll be clean as a whistle, my friend,
Because I've got soap in my hand!
There's not enough time in the day
To soap up, hey, what do you say?
When I drop it I pick it up and you know that's the cue to begin!
Well there may be love in the air
And if there's bubbles, well I don't care
Because maybe I'm soaping, I'm hoping, I'm soaping up, my friend!

Cat litter tray

Mike McShane & Josie Lawrence (Love duet)
Mike: I wanna show you something!
Josie: What?
Mike: Come into the hallway. (points) Look what she did!
Josie: It's beautiful!
Mike: Isn't it great? You know, you and I are perfect because we're such cat lovers. We love everything about cats.
Josie: Everything!
Mike McShane:
I love watching them squat on the edge of the tray
All day.
Josie Lawrence:
I love watching them do their little brown poo.
Mike McShane:
Who ever thought that feline defecation
Could be such a swell and singular sensation?
Josie Lawrence:
Who'd ever thought that our love would glitter
Just standing here looking at shit and cat litter?
Mike McShane:
Live our lives with love, but don't cover it up (Josie: Don't cover it up!)
Josie Lawrence:
Litter my life with love, and don't ever stop (Mike: Don't ever stop!)
I love you and that is that
Just like a poo from our favourite cat.
Mike McShane:
Litter our lives...
With love!

Train set

Mike McShane (Disco)
OOOhhh yeah!
Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh-yah!
You know you've been here too long baby
You know you'd better act your age
When you get on my Love Train
Well you'd better have the right gauge!
It gets it rollin' a head of steam
It makes it early, you know what I mean
I'm talkin' Love Train!
Love Train!
Love Train!
Love Train!
I'm the engineer, this is my hat
I'll open up the throttle, you know where it's at
Let the light go around and round inside-a
I'm guaranteed for a first class ride
When we're done, you'll have your fun
On the Love Train!
Love Train! (Audience & Clive: Love Train!)
Love Train! (Audience & Clive: Love Train!)
Love Train!

Old boiler

Mike McShane & Josie Lawrence (Early Rock & Roll - also see Clive vs. Mike below)
Both: (jiving along to the intro) Oh-whoa!
Josie Lawrence:
Well, come on little baby, you know what I mean
Come on let me see you let off steam
You're me old boiler, you're what I like
Come on baby now take a hike!
Everyone's doin' the old boiler
So come on and do it with me!
Mike McShane:
You know you've got me up and in the air
I'm going puffin' steam like I don't care!
I start to choke and I start to boil
I've got me going, I'm a ruggin' toil
Oh baby you gotta what I need
When you get near me baby, I'll turn up the heat!

Alison the court clerk

Chip Esten (Broadway-style love song)
I made an infraction, a tiny tort
And so I had to spend my day there in court
But there's no reason for me to worry
'Cos Alison's sitting right there by the jury!
I am so glad, that's where I went
'Cos the judge told me that I was innocent!
I think I'll go out on a date
With Alison, my court clerk, she's so great!


Mike McShane (Grunge)
It's time in the cellar again
I spend time in the cellar, my friend
It ain't bad, well you know it's alright
I've got a chunk of anthracite
Yeah! Anthracite all night!
Anthracite is my delight!
You know I'm all alone, you can come with me
You don't have to touch me, but you can kiss me
And I will pour oil over you, jack
We'll be smelly and oily and black
With ANTHRACITE! (face squares up to the camera, Mike turns away and...)
ANTHRACITE! (squares up to the camera again and turns again)
It's hot tonight! (Mike pretends to headbutt the camera and staggers backwards)


Josie Lawrence (Cocktail lounge jazz ballad)
(Josie holds a glass in her hand and pretends to sip a drink from it)
(to Richard on the piano) I remember this one, Richard!
Do, do, do, doo-mop with me
Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe the floor with me
Get the floor nice and wet, and don't forget!
Oh do, do, do, doo-mop with me
Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe the floor with me
This is a love I won't swap
Because you know that you're my favourite kind of mop!

Drew the stripper

Niall Ashdown (Love song)
Hey, Saturday night I did not have a clue where to go
So I picked up my shoes and I tumbled down to old So-ho
I paid my two pounds so I could have a peep
Thought that I'd be there for ten minutes and I would go to sleep
But I saw you!
I saw you!
Drew! I saw you!
I wasn't blue
And I am through
'Cos I saw you...
...Butt naked!
Butt naked!
Without any clothes on!
Very bare indeed!
... Tassels just here! (points to his nipples)
And shiny pants, I was in a trance
Oh won't you dance with me?
I'll dance with you, my Drew!

Little red triangle

Mike McShane (German drinking song)
I love my lit-tle triangle
I like to watch it dangle
From my shift, my boot, I like to see
I have a little Volvo
And it start to revolvo
I slap myself silly!
(slaps his thighs, stomach, head, bottom etc. until the end of the tune)

Beached whale

Josie Lawrence & Caroline Quentin (Love duet)
Caroline Quentin:
Look at the sea (Josie: Look at the sea!)
Then look at me!
Look at the sky (Josie: Look at the sky!)
And then see the love in my eyes!
Josie Lawrence:
Once our love had its freedom (Caroline: Mm-hmm!)
Through the sea it did sail (Caroline: Yes it did!)
Then those who hated us, wanted us washed up
On the beach...
Josie & Caroline:
Just like a a beached whale!
Josie Lawrence:
But we can be lying on this beach (Caroline: Mm-hmm!)
And we really don't care (Caroline: We just don't care!)
Our love may be like a beached whale
And we're maybe running out of air.
Caroline Quentin:
But our love's big, so big! (Josie: Oh so big! Like a whale!)
Bigger than a whale! (Josie: Bigger than a whale!)
Bigger than a whale! (Josie: Bigger than a whale!)
Our love is...
Josie & Caroline:
Bigger than a wha-a-aaaale!


Mike McShane (Ragtime)
I'm a hop-head, I'm a crazy hop-head
Can't get enough funky stuff when I'm loaded up and plunged in
I'm jazz dancing, I'm wazz dancing
I'm breaking loose like a kaboose when I'm full of that big H!
I'm listening to Fats Waller tinkling on the ivories!
I'm swinging from the chandelier!
I'm watching Billie Holiday every nightly
And I'm very full of beer, yes sir, yes sir, yes sir!
I can't get speeded up, I can't move any faster
I'm a slave and the drug, it is the master
Someday it's gonna run out and someday I'll be through
But baby fill that syringe up, and baby keep it filled up
And baby keep me hopping for you!


Josie Lawrence & Caroline Quentin (Blues)
Josie': This one's for Johnny Depp, by the way.
Caroline: Yeah, we know he watches this programme!
Clive: Who's Johnny Depp? Sorry, I'm a judge...
Josie: He's gorgeous!
Caroline Quentin:
(Josie: Oh-hoh!)
Yeah, yeah baby (Josie: Baby!), I saw you
Stridin' into my garage!
I said baby (Josie: Baby!), baby (Josie: Baby!)
Mmmm, I liked your carriage!
I said "there's the wench
With a wrench for me!" (Josie: With a wrench for you!)
Josie Lawrence:
Well baby (Caroline: Baby!), baby (Caroline: Yeah baby!)
I like your sexy kid of manner (Caroline: Mmm baby!)
I'd like to unscrew your nuts (Caroline: Yeah baby!)
With my great big spanner (Caroline: Ohhh....)
Baby baby baby, can't you see? (Caroline: Mmmm yeah...)
I've got a big spanner so unscrew me! (Caroline: Yeah!)

Mark the bank manager

Niall Ashdown (Love song...!)
Oh yeah!
Well my statement came through the door, and I just laughed
I had a five-thousand pound overdraft
I couldn't believe that amount
I'd wasted all my money in the current account!
So I went straight down to the bank
Saw a guy called Mark who was mysterious and dank
But his eyes looked at me, he said "That's fine,
My telephone number's 3-4-5-1-9!"
And we've been going out together since!
And the way he makes love, it really makes me wince!

Catherine the secretary

Niall Ashdown (Love song)
Oh yeah! Mm-hmm
Oh Catherine you're the best girl in the land
Even though you've only got a short hand
Yeah Catherine you're the best girl in the nation
I love it when you take my dictation.
When I kiss you it's like chewing toffee
I feel so good when you bring in my coffee
Some look at you and they say "she's a dead loss"
But I know you're different and I'm your boss
Come over here and give me one now!
I wanna do it to you, again again and again
Come on and squeeze all the ink out of my fountain pen!
Oh Catherine! I want you now!

Anna the nurse

Brad Sherwood (Love song)
Anna, would you be my nurse?
I feel that I'm getting much worse!
Anna, I will be your man
If you just do my prostate exam!
You touch me in places where no-one dares to touch
It is so kinky that people are starting to think we are Dutch
'Cos we're strange, you changed my blood pressure
And I'm smiling just like a cat whose name is Cheshire
Oh, Anna, help me please!
'Cos I'm dying of this disease
It's called love
Wrap your rubber glove!
Give your thumb a shove!

Angela the video shop worker

Brad Sherwood (End-of-musical love song)
I went to the video store to meet Angie
We were gonna go on a rafting trip down the Gangee!
I started singing this little song
And she said "Why don't we bring some porno videos along?"
I said "Hey, there Angie, that would be kind of callous!"
She said "Let's bring some naked Spice Girls and Debbie Does Dallas!"
I said "No, I'm sorry, I'm not that kind of guy!"
She said "Well I also have some gay videos to give those a try!"

Musical Film Review

The First Man Into Space

Paul Merton:
The First Man In Space is a wonderful movie. It begins with a meteorite shower that splashes all the way through the spaceship, and turns the man inside into a singing, whirling dervish...
Mike McShane:
I'll go and check out the front of the cockpit guys...
(Richard starts playing a dramatic tune on the piano)
My God! Visor down! Safety visors down! Shields up! We have a meteor shower coming in quick!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
They're coming, millions of meteors!
They're coming, so fast and furious!
They're coming, some are green,
Some are yellow, some are simply curious.
They're ripping through the spaceship one-two-three,
They're breaking apart!
And now, they've hit me! I'm changing!
I feel something strange happening in my heart!
Paul Merton:
Meanwhile back at Earth Control, the two scientists whose idea it was to send this man into space, are rather worried about the messages they're getting over the radio, and decide to sing their thoughts to each other...
(Richard plays a quiet doo-wop tune on the guitar)
(Steve and Jim hum in harmony)
Steve Steen:
Let me tell you, I'm kinda worried (Jim: Ba-bub-a-de-duum!)
About ol' George Bury (Jim: Ba-bub-a-de-duum!)
He's up there, among those rocks
Hey did you know, he was wearing odd socks?
You know that, if he gets those strange hunger pangs, (Jim: Ba-dub-a-de-duum!)
I'm kinda worried that he might grow fangs (Jim: Ba-dub-a-de-duum!)
And some poor guy's gonna get it in the neck...
Jim Sweeney:
Let's call him back!
Jim & Steve:
Ohh, what the heck!
Paul Merton:
He arrives back on Earth, and as he emerges from the spaceship, he bites each one of them in the neck. They sing a song before they die. And the vampire realises he cannot breathe the oxygen Earth, and he dies after he's killed them as well, but not before he finishes the big finale of the musical, which is a wonderful song to behold! (Clive: Yes... dead simple, that, Paul!)
Jim: Look the door's opening, he's coming out!
(Richard plays a dramatic intro on the piano as Mike reveals fangs he made from tissue!)
Jim: Oh my God!
Steve Steen
Now now, George!
(Mike bites Steve in the neck)
I'm going fast, I'm going now,
And please say goodbye to my old cow!
You know I really love that heifer,
Please... tell me she'll get better!
Lick her, George, look after him
I know it isn't a terrible sin
You've drained me now of all my blood,
And I'm gonna fall face down in the mud. (dies)
Jim Sweeney:
(Mike bites Jim in the neck)
Oh George, George, that was so nice
Don't do it once, why don't you do it twice! (Mike obliges)
When you bite me in the neck it makes me feel so fine!
Time for me to die, time for me to die,
Time for me to die, time for me to die... (dies)
Mike McShane:
I killed them all, they are dead.
And I've got a funny feeling in my head, (Steve and Jim dance on the ground)
I can't stand it here,
This really sucks, this atmosphere,
So I'll die, goodbye!
Goodbye, bye, bye! (jumps to the ground and dies)

Midshipman Easy

Sandi Toksvig:
I've been looking through the film archives and what a jolly lot of dusty old films I've found. But here, a fabulous B-movie, a dusky maiden sits alone on a Mediterranean island and croons about her long lost love...
Tony Slattery:
Sometimes I dream of a sailor,
Sometimes I dream of an obelisk.
I shouldn't eat the mushrooms I find
Because the local flora blows my mind!
Oh, if only someone would come by rescue me!
Sandi Toksvig:
The dusky maiden went off for a bathe. Just then... Two hunky Spanish bandits - Xhorico and Xolinxo - arrived upon the island...
Mike: I am hungry for the love that dare not squeak his name!
Greg: Indeed! Boy if we could find ourselves a lusty maiden!
Mike: A lusty, dusky maiden! I know what I would do!
(Richard plays a Spanish-sounding tune on the guitar)
Greg Proops:
Me too!
I'm so horny! So very, very horny!
When I woke up this morning,
I knew I was horny!
Mike McShane:
My cajoles (Greg: Cajoles!) are swollen with pride (Greg: Like melon-es!)
Like a bull I'm... inside! (Greg: Do not gore me!)
We'll find ourselves a señorita (Greg: Ah-ha!)
And have her eat her way (Greg: Oh-ho!)
We'll plunder and loot and hloch...
Mike & Greg:
The day away!!
Sandi Toksvig:
And they do. They hloch the day away. They have their way with the poor girl. But then, three midshipmen arrive on a 1790s ship - Midshipman Easy, Midshipman I'll-Be-Lucky, and Midshipman There's-Gotta-Be-A-First-Time-For-Everyone. The three men rescue the girl and sing of their success in a traditional 1790s rock-and-roll number...
Greg Proops:
Well we rescued a maiden one more time! (Tony: One more time!)(Mike: You did all, baby!)
We rescued them from that Spanish swine
Now we're off the island this very day
Now let's take her downstairs and have our way!
We're gonna go, go, go-go!
Greg, Mike & Tony:
We're gonna go, go, go-go!
Mike McShane:
We're gonna roll her, open that five-dog road
We're gonna work her up and down all over the town
And when we're done with her, rip off the fur
And we'll have a beer and down with her!
Greg, Mike & Tony:
Let's go, go, go-go!
Let's go!

Party Quirks

Paul: Hello, Archie
Archie: (Jealous Lover) Hi
Paul: How are you
Archie: Fine. Are you gonna invite me in, or do I have to FORCE entry?
Paul: (stares at Archie) I think you better come in.

Josie: (Red Riding Hood) (mimes eating something) Gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble...
Tony: No, that happens upstairs! (answers door)
Mike: (Hell's Angel) (in rough voice) Hey Tony!
Josie: Argh! What a hairy man!
Tony: Yeah, but he's a good kisser though.

Steve Steen: (thinks he's Paul Merton, with dead-on impression) I've been listening to your records and none of those words rhyme!
Paul: Don't they? (chuckles) Um... are you tone deaf? Or... he's doing me!

Josie: (Greg is wearing black and white waist coat, Josie's quirk: "Thinks she is a cow") What are you wearing that for, are you taking the mickey?

Clive: (after buzzing Tony Slattery for not guessing all the quirks) That was the worst round of Party Quirks! He (Colin) thinks that gravity is rather too much for him and he (Stephen) has to mention a bodily part in every sentence.
Tony: (very angry) OH, WELL, FUCK OFF!
(Clive, Ryan, Colin, Stephen and the audience burst out laughing)
Clive: Right... right... well, there you are. Hey, hey Tony, it's only a bit of fun...
Tony: (underbreath) Screw you
Clive: ...don't take it seriously, it's only your living

Rory: (Thinks he is Tony, with dead on impression) Well, hello, yes, I - sorry to gatecrash but I heard they were fimling a television program here!
Tony: Oh. (behind Rory, Mike laughs)
Rory: Yes, um where's the camera? Is it over there?
Tony: (loudly) Oh ha ha ha ha! (Stands next to Rory with both hands on hips) Ha ha ha ha! (Clive presses his buzzer)
Clive: Yes, you've been got (presses buzzer again) You've been got. Very good
Tony: (mimes having a cigarette) Can I just say, I'm not playing anymore.

Tony: (shrugs shoulders) I've never had a come-as-Clive Anderson party before.
Clive: That dramatically reduces your chances of winning tonight

Tony: I never had a come-as-Michael-Jackson party. (grabs testicles) Ow! Ow! Ow!
Clive: Oh, I was enjoying that.

Clive: If Tony wins, he wins a lot of points. If he fails, it will be like most weeks. Is the party ready?
Tony: You're going to get such a smack! Oh! Party is ready, Mr Grumpy Sod!

Clive: (rings bell)
Brad: (turns around, miming opening a cupboard) Clive, what are you doing in my closet?

[after having failed to guess the quirks again, to Clive]
Tony: Shut up, it's my party, I'll be crap if I want to!

(during a really hard playing)
Tony: Why did I invite these people?

Press Conference

Tony is the first man to make love in space

Ryan: Is it lonely?
Tony: It is lonely, yes, but I find the life of a public figure means that you have to be strong. Next question.
Colin: Was there any special equipment involved?
Tony: A certain amount of flour, and eggs, and a snorkel. Not everyone does it like that but I do.
Stephen: And how many miles away was that?
Tony: Forty-two. Next question.
Colin: How long did it take you before you could re-enter?
Tony: Well, my wife's very understanding and we have a very good relationship so not long.
Stephen: Did you keep your helmet on while you were doing it?
Tony: Yes, in fact I do because it's much safer and much less risk of...
Ryan: Have you ever seen Uranus?
Tony: Many many times, yes.
Stephen: Did the earth move?
Tony: Yes, it was spinning round as I was circling it.
Colin: Did it take long to get Miss Brown up there?
Tony: (confused) No, no, she went of her own accord. Last question.
Clive: Last guess I think.
Tony: Yes, last question... Look, it's my bloody press conference, shut it!
Ryan: Is this the first black hole you've encountered?
Tony: No, I've been through space many times.
Clive: So what are you?
Tony: I'm a space traveller.
Clive: Yes, the first man to make love in space. Strange enough there, Tony, you got everything except the sexual innuendo which I thought would have been a gift for you but...
Tony: Oh did you? You've got a warped bald head.
Clive: (looks sad, audience sympathises Clive). Well done Tony for getting it ... wrong.

Stephen is Snow White Announcing She is pregnant

Stephen: Good morning Gentlemen. I'm glad to be here (pauses due to audiences laughter). Yes you (points to Brad), no you (points to Ryan)
Ryan: Any idea, which one is responsible?
Stephen: I have my theories, of course, and I have a few insiders working at it, but I think it is the third one
Brad: Didn't you expect this to happen, considering your living situation?
Stephen: Well, it was inevitable, under other circumstances, but it did take me by surprise.
Colin: I just can't believe it myself, I'm shocked, totally shocked. What happened exactly? What was the mood... when it first happened?
Stephen: When it first happened I was happy, but now I am sad
Brad: At anytime, did he whistle?
Stephen: Yes, just before he said "goodbye"
Ryan: More of a comment, than a quesiton. I must say, this must be a real fairly tale for you.
Stephen: It is, I feel great. And yes, it is a dream come true
Clive: Okay, Stephen, have you got any idea?
Stephen: Jack. Giant. Beanstalk.
Clive: (very excitedly) Jack and the Beanstalk? No, you're not.

Colin is having Clive's love child

Colin: Thank you very much for coming to this (over audience laughter) hastily assembled press conference, so please... yes sir (points to Greg)
Greg: Are you sore at all?
Colin: I was, of course, a little bit, but a lot of orange juice seemed to let that go. Yes sir (points to Ryan)
Ryan: Why?
Colin: This, I felt, would benefit generations that came after me and I documented it on film and it will be shown in many schools. Yes (points to Greg)
Greg: Is it human?
Colin: What kind of a question is that? Of course its human. It's mostly, 90% human
Greg: As a follow up, does it have a neck?
Colin: Yes!
Phil: Are you doing this for the money or is there some emotional attachment?
Colin: At first, it was just for the money but then there was a strong emotional attachment and a nice hat that came with it.
Ryan: When he was done, did he buzz you out?
Colin: That rumour has been going on forever, I tell you, it's a bald-faced lie!
Greg: Was it a natural child birth, or was it in a manner of his choosing?
Colin: It was very painful and it was in the style of a hoedown
Clive: I don't think we need anymore questions. Have you any idea what this might be?
Colin: I had your love child?
Clive: Yes


Thinks he's an Eskimo

Greg Proops:
Up in the frozen north, there's a lot of schlubbers
All day long I spend my time just eating blubber
When I ride the bus each day, everyone looks at me funny
Cos I am wearing mukluks and my nose is always runny.
Dr. Josie:
This problem always goes back to your mama (Greg: Mama?)
She never kissed you, she only rubbed your nose.
And when you were small, although it was hot
She always wrapped you up in furry clothes!
So this is what I need for you to do (Greg: Tell me)
Don't ever live in an igloo!

Scared of hats

Dr. Josie: Tell me about your problem then, boy.
Jim: All right then, guv'nor, I will.
Jim Sweeney:
Well I'll tell you this and I'll tell you that
I'm very very scared of a very big hat
I'm scared of a hat, I'm scared of a hat, is me.
I'm scared since I was a little boy
I seem worse now oh joy oh joy
I hate those hats, they scare the life outta me!
Dr. Josie:
This is a quite a bit problem, yes it is so very big
It'll probably be with you until you're dead
I know why you hate hats so much, I know why it is true
It is because you've got a funny head!
So this is what you need to do my son, before you go:
Give away a chapeau!

In love with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Tony: I've got a problem, doc.
Dr. Josie: Yes, I can see. Tell me about your other one.
Tony: I'll tell you about this one, shall I?
Dr. Josie: Yeah, go on.
Tony Slattery:
I think sometimes, I drink too much
I think I drink too much gin
Then I find myself falling in love
With a shiny terrapin
I like to call it Josie or Myrtle
But really, I want to mount a turtle
Tell me what I do before I go mad - cha cha cha!!
Dr. Josie:
This is a quite nasty problem, oh yes
A quite nasty problem for sure
I think you want to be a Mutant Teenage Ninja Turtle
Do you, tell me, live in a sewer?
Oh, I'm going to give you some pills to stop this
They may make your eyelids droop (Tony: I don't mind!)
But never go near the turtles again
Or you may end up in the turtle soup!

Scared of peanut butter

Denalda Williams:
Doctor, I have something that I dread
I can't have peanut butter put on my bread
It's on the top, yea it goes from north to south
But when I eat it, you see I can't use my mouth.
Dr. Josie:
Oh, I understand your problem, whenever you get the munchies
You always use the smooth peanut butter when you ought to be using the crunchies!
Oh, but don't worry, don't get yourself in a rut:
We have lots of mad people like you here, you are just a pea-nut!

Obsessed with Easter bunnies

Mike McShane:
(twitches his nose like a rabbit as Richard Vranch plays a discordant piano tune)
Think about eggs, think about eggs
Think about eggs all day
I hop and hop and skip and hop
Whenever I want to play
I go to bed, I roll over
I look at the back of my tail
It's furry and fuzzy, what can I do?
I'm gonna wind up in jail!
Dr. Josie:
I think you are definetly going funny
It's because you are in love with all these Easter bunnies (Mike: Yep.)
What can you do? You feed me all this junk
You know what rabbits do a lot of, yes oh they just bonk!
So what you need to do is go away
And try to break the habit:
Never look at an Easter egg
And stay away from the rabbit!

Thinks he's an armadillo in Austria

Dr. Josie: Tell me your problem!
Colin Mochrie:
Doctor, doctor, please make me well!
As you can see I've gone right to shell!
I think I'm an armadillo,
Yo-ho-ho-oh-dedadey, ooh what a nice pillow!
Dr. Josie:
Snap out of it if you can
You need a slap, you are a man (starts slapping Colin)
Don't be such a silly fellow
You are not an armadillo!

In love with a cameraman from Greece

Ryan Stiles:
Yes, a man I adore
He pushes a big thing around the floor
I love him, and all of his friends
When he makes love to me, he uses a telescopic lens!
Dr. Josie:
This is such a lot of hocus pocus
You must put this friendship into focus
Come on now, don't be a clamourer,
You must forget about this man who stands behind the camera!
(Ryan moves forward to kiss the camera lens)

Prison Visitor

Stealing pants in Brazil

Josie: Tell me, Jose, what did you do? (Yelps)
Colin: I tell you.
Colin Mochrie
(Colin is wearing a green jacket)
Ohhh, get me out of here! I'm not having a good time
They threw me in here for impersonating a lime
I needed green pants, you see, to go with my whole ensemble
What am I going to do? I... can't rhyme with ensemble!
Josie Lawrence
I'm sorry that you're stuck in here, the people that put you here, they are louses
Because all you wanted to do was find a pair of green trousers
I know that you need some pants but now you're stuck in a rut
Standing there with no pants on, you look like a real Brazil nut!

Murdered George in Italy

Josie: Maria! Tell me why!
Caroline: (sobs) I am crazy, that is why!
Caroline Quentin
I couldn't stand the pain!
He came at me with his bad breath and his sweat again!
I saw him there, and with despair...
I took a knife... and killed him!
Josie Lawrence
I know you didn't mean to kill George (Caroline: Kill George!)
But what a problem this poses (Caroline: It poses a problem!)
To kill George simply because
He had halitosis!

Caught with a prostitute in a car in Jamaica

Clive: Ryan is a distinguished actor, there's no chance, no chance, of a distinguished actor being caught with a prostitute in a car. Okay, let's go with that! Come on!
Ryan Stiles
Oh, the police ran up to me one day, and boy they rave and rant
I made the same mistake as my good friend the actor Hugh Grant!
Made the mistake, now jail's where I got to go
And I'm stuck with a very, very huge man whose name happens to be Moe!
(Waves behind him and looks around worried) Whoa-Moe!
Josie Lawrence
I understand why you did this, I understand your ploys
Although men try to be really good, let's face it, ladyboys will be boys!
We know you're not so good, we've heard about you and we know about you quite well
I'll help you to escape, my friend, come and limbo under your cell!
(Josie lifts the bars up and Ryan starts to limbo underneath)

News Report

(introductions only)
Greg: Hello, I'm Curved Slightly
Sandi: Hello and welcome to We-Know-More-Than-You-Do where we patronise you at peak time.
Sandi: Good evening and welcome to Regional Rap where we tell you news stories too dreary for national television.
Greg: Good evening, I'm Unusually Thick.
Greg: I'm Red When Excited
Colin: I'm horny as a hippo, but my name is Tim
Greg: I'm Tongue Deeply
(in the field covering 'The Three Little Pigs' story)
Tony: I've got someone with me now, we havnt been introuduced, who are you?
Ryan: Sorry I'm covering 'The Little Red Riding Hood' story

Quick Change

(Brad is briefing Stephen on a spy mission. Ryan calls "Change")
Brad: Agent Seven, here are the blue prints.
Stephen: I've been promoted, I was Six last week.
Brad: That's right, and someday you'll be Nine, remember that. Now, here are the blue prints. I want you to look at this duct access work.
Stephen: I'm colour blind, it doesn't make any sense to me.
Ryan: Change!
Stephen: I can see perfectly well, I know exactly what you're talking about.
Ryan: Change!
Stephen: I forgot my contact lenses.
Brad: Well, luckily, it's in Braille, so just feel it. The duct is dark, so you'll need to feel around it anyway.
Stephen: That's a brillant touch.
Ryan: Change!
Stephen: That feels disgusting!
Ryan: Change!
Stephen: Eww... have you spat on this?
Brad: Sorry, I was eating while I was eating the map.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: Sorry, I drool alot when I watch TV.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: I had something in my mouth that made me salivate so much it was like the Niagara Falls.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: I love the smell of you cologne and it drives me crazy.
Stephen: Are you trying to tell me something?
Brad: No, I don't want to tell you now until you come back, because if you die, I couldn't bear the pain of losing you.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: Yes, I am trying to tell you something!
Ryan: Change!
Brad: I haven't told you what I want to tell you, because the thought of your hand on my shoulders makes my shoes warm.
Stephen: Sir, how do you expect me to go on this mission and possibly not come back alive, with you waiting for me with those feelings in your heart?
Brad: It's the only reason to come back.
Stephen: But sir, if I go and I fail, what does that mean?
Brad: You'll have a lovely plaque with your name on it.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: You'll have a funeral bigger than the Queen's!
Ryan: Change!
Brad: I will parade around your gravestone in a dress!
Stephen: This pen, what does it actually do?
Brad: Press this button here, it will shoot a laser beam.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: Touch this thing, it gets ink all over your fingers.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: Wave it above your head, it will whistle.
Ryan: Change!
Brad: If you put it in your pocket, it will toast your nuggets!

Scenes from a hat

[These scenes are in no particular order]
Clive: Buying a sandcastle
Ryan: Nice work there.
Greg: Sod off!
Ryan: I am willing to give you two hundred pounds for that.
Greg: Really?!
Ryan: Oh, wave, £50. £25. £10.
Greg: It's yours.
Paul: Compulsory purchase order. We're building a new dual carriageway along here.
Greg & Ryan: Oh!

Clive: Elephants packing to go on holiday... packing their trunks I suppose...
Paul: (sad) Oh!
Josie: Oh!
Clive: Oh, sorry, I joined in there. I'm not allowed to do that!

Clive: A Weight Watchers party
Paul: (to Josie) No luck then?
Josie: (under audience applause) I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Clive: Faux pas at a Christening. Or faus pars.
Tony: I name this child Satan... Stan! Stan!

Clive: A doll with a pull-out string
Tony: (pulls string) I want a doll, please
Jim: Mother, get back in the car

Clive: Two men in a hot tub relising... then the handwriting goes wabbliy after that. Two men relising something
(Ryan and Chip sits on the World's Worst step)
Ryan: I've just relised something. We're both men
Chip: Yeah

Clive: A pecking order for fruit (Everyone looks confused then Tony steps onto the stage)
Tony: Me first!?

Clive: Fortune Cookies that tell the truth
Greg: You're a cheap bastard and you won't leave a tip... Hey!!

Clive: Worrying things to be given on a plane
Tony: Hello
Stephen: Hello
Tony: Here's the engine
Stephen: Thank you... what?

Clive: There's no such thing as a free lunch
Tony: (To Jim) That'll... (cracking up) That'll be two pounds fifty please.
Clive: Tony eats at The Ivy, obviously.

Clive: 24 hours from Tulsa
Chip: How long until we hit Tulsa?
Tony: I don't know

Clive: Invites you would never accept
Tony: (wearing big, green jacket) Would you like my jacket?

Clive: The biggest jerk in the world
Josie: Tony?

Clive: Flies on a hot date
(Ryan and Tony step into the stage)
Ryan: Would you care for anymore turd?

Clive: Breaking bad news to the king
(Greg and Chip step onto the stage)
Chip: Sire, the flies have eaten your turd

Clive: Rejected Proverbs
Tony: Let the old man who never does, yes.
Greg: Cheese is found where you least suspect it.
Ryan: My groin is sore!
Tony: Always let the wardrobe misstress choose your clothes! (Tony, Greg, Ryan and Chip face the camera)

Clive: Sea Shanties that never caught on
Greg, Ryan, Tony & Chip: (singing) Ohhhh myyyyy...
Tony: (sings) panties are in the war
Greg: (sings) The land is better than the water

Clive: The four horseman of the apocolypse
(Josie, Colin and Greg walk onto the stage)
Greg: Sorry, Pestilence couldn't make it, I'm nervousness

Clive: The princess and the frog
(Tony, Ryan and Greg walk onto the stage, but Greg walks back)
Tony: Wait, there were two of you a minute ago
Greg: I'm back now
Ryan: Bonjour
Tony: Bonjour

Clive: What you didn't expect to find in a Kangaroo's pouch
Tony: Lord Lucan!!

Clive: A kissogram with bad news
Mike: Ding-dong
Steve S: Hello?
Mike (sings) She's left you, she's left you, she's never coming back again, she's left you (kisses Steve)

Clive: The worst job in the world
Mike: I'm here to buff Clive's head

Clive: Olympic sports we'd like to see
(Tony appears on stage, Steve Steen starts humping him)
Clive: I think Humping the Tony is an Olympic sport already!
Mike: You oughta see the Synchronized Humping the Tony!

Clive: Life's big dissapointment
(Tony and Stephen walks out)
Stephen: Oh, so you're Tony Slattery?

Clive: (reads slowly) Yes, the last two hairs on Clive Anderson's head
Greg: Sure is lonely up here
Ryan: Sure is
Clive: Well, thank you for the two, it's really just one

Song Titles

On a boat

Josie: We are sailing.
Stephen: I was going to do that one!
Clive: I was going to do that one? Is that a song title?
Stephen: Know you, know me.
Tony: (enters) A life on the ocean waves. (to Stephen) Lipstick on your collar.
Stephen: Roll out the barrel!
Josie: Smoke gets in your eyes. O bla di, o bla da.
Stephen: I can see clearly now.
Josie: Stormy weather!
Tony: I saw three ships!
Stephen: It's raining men!
Ryan: (enters) Hello, is it me you're looking for?
Tony: Baby, now that I've found you.
Stephen: (waves Ryan over) Kum ba ya.
Ryan: Who's that girl?
Josie: Doo be doo, doo be doo be doo doo doo.
Ryan: Wild thing!
Tony: (grabs Josie) Sisters.
Josie: Patches.
Ryan: You're having my baby?
Josie: Help!
Stephen: (grabs Ryan) My brother Jake.
Ryan: Close to you!
Stephen: Alright now?
Ryan: Up up and away!



John Sessions
You know about America, Amerigo Vespucci
He was wearing his leather, man, he was carrying Gucci
He was the kind of guy that could go out so high
With his leather bag, He ain't no drag,
Fag, fag, fag.
Tony Slattery
Get down!
Ha! I went to a party just down the street
I walked inside and guess what I did see
I saw a handbag and it looked kinda fun
I was feeling pretty perverted so I stuck it up my bum!
Josie Lawrence
I filled my pockets up and I made them sag
So I really need to buy a handbag
I got it in maroon and I got it in puce
But that kinda colour just ain't no use
The only colour fo-or me
Is bur-bu-bu-bu-burgundy!
Mike McShane
I've got a handbag, I like to fill her
When I fill it up, my bag's a thriller
I take cosmetics, all the kind
And I load 'em in the bag, all the time
My bag's real red, can't you see
It's more than red, it's burgundy
Not rose, not that, not all my friend
And here's where the bag rap's got to end!
John Sessions
I like my chicks wild, I like my chicks wild
Like them wild like a nuclear reactor
Like them to carry all kinds of stuff in their bag
Like lipstick, maybe a Max Factor
Like a rip across the face make them red and high
Then I like to go out with them and say... "Hi!"
Tony Slattery
I was walking with my bag the other day
And my friend saw me with it and he said "Hey"
He said "Hey, hey, hey-hey, hey, hey, hey"
He's really repetitive so I shot him.
Josie Lawrence
My bag won't make any animals sick
'Cos my bag is made out of plastic
It has a shoulder strap
You can hear me sing this rap
I love my burgundy handbag, I lo-o-ove it so
And if a mugger comes, I won't let my handbag go, no
(Quieter) I won't let my handbag go, no
(Even quieter) I wont let my handbag go...
Mike McShane
Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh-uh
Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh, Uh-huh-uh
Got the bag, it's got a latch
When I close it up, it's tied to a natch
They think I'm funny because I'm so big
They ask "is that bag made out of a pig?"
I say "No my friend, it's made out of a cow,
If you make fun of my, my fist'll go POW!
Right in your face, knock you on your butt
Then you'll be on the floor and in a rut
Then I'll scoop you up, put you in my bag
And then you'll be a stone butt drag!"


Mike McShane
I'm a master chef, I'm in your kitchen
When I whip up an omelette, Lord it's bitchin'!
I crack the eggs, I lay 'em in the pan
Spread out the cheese and go, goin' on it man!
I flip it over with my hand
It lands right back in the aluminium pan
I serve it up and it's really hot
If you don't like an omelette, then say it a lot!
Tony Slattery
Cooking is my obsession
So what's gonna happen now is a cookery lesson
It's where it's at, food is where it's been
I'm a pissed chef, I'd like a large gin!
Josie Lawrence
Hi everybody, my name is Josie
I'm gonna teach you how to eat spaghetti
You can do it in a lot of ways
You can chop up garlic, make bolognaise
You can make it slow, or make it faster
There's lots of ways that you can do pasta!
Greg Proops
Well I'm a groovy chef, I'm totally illing
And when I make a dish, it's way way thrilling
The girls from the kitchen they hop like a frog
'Cos they want to taste my big hot dog!


Lee Simpson
Working in a bank has made me a wreck
I keep bouncing things, I especially bounce checks
I haven't had a good day since I've worked at this bank
To pass the time I just have-to-do-a-crossword-puzzle
I try to do things that help pass the time
My manager doesn't like me, he doesn't like my rhyme
So I said to him "You can stuff your job!"
He said "Get out of my bank, you always were a slob!"
Jan Ravens
When you're choosing a bank to go to
It's really hard to find the best
Which are the ones that are in South Africa?
The ones from which we have to dis-invest!
Tony Slattery
Banking is a subject close to my heart
Me and my current account are never far apart
You go to the manager, on closer inspection
He's really dishy, he gives me an erection!
(starts laughing) I'm sorry
Mike McShane
The man has the morals of a German shepherd! (Clive: Let's move on.)
Sperm bank! That's what I run!
I have to admit it's a lot of fun
The customers always come in real glad
And when they leave, you know they're sad
I like to deposit, but most of all
When the shop's closed down I can make a withdrawal!


Cake Decorating

Greg Proops
Heaven is a biscuit way up above
Heaven is a biscuit way up above (Josie: Tell it right, brother!)
And when Jesus comes down he's gonna squirt it with his heavenly love!
With his heavenly love!
Jim Sweeney
Every day I like to bake, bake cakes for the Lord above,
I cover that cake and all in it with never-ending love.
Decorating cakes is my life, it is it,
I'm what you call a sad and lonely git!
Baking cakes.
Tony Slattery
(Josie: Sing your song, brother!)
I like cakes, you know I find them enticing,
I like to take my clothes and cover my body with icing!
I do it because you know, whoo, I can,
WOW! Take my body down with marzipan!
Josie Lawrence
(Greg: Hit it, girlfriend!)
Oh God, heavenly Lord, it makes me feel so merry,
'Cos we are all baking in the Lord's cake and the Lord he is the cherry.
Oh he'll take your sins and confiscate it
And then he will decorate it
Pretty soon you will find
He's covered you with hundreds and thousands!
Yes he's...
Covered you...
Youuuu... in hundreds and thousands!


(Clive also adds sewing and tapestry to the theme)
Josie Lawrence
My life was feeling down, I was feeling oh so low, (Mike: Testify!)
Until an angel appeared to me and taught me, how to sew.
Yes, my life was just devoid to me
Until I learned embroidery!
Paul Merton
(Josie: Sing your song, brother!)
I'm needling for the Lord, yes I am!
Jumpers, suits, socks and skirts, yes I am!
All sorts of knitwear I give to the Lord,
Why I'm even gonna knit me a shawl,
Oh yeah!
Julian Clary
(speaks out of time to the music)
I've got a little needle pack which travels with me where I go.
Everywhere that I go.
It's got needles, it's got cotton, it's got a little thimble, which is handy,
If you lose a button when you're out shopping or something, you can sew it back on.
I think it's a boon.
Mike McShane
I've been trying to figure out life,
Full of pain and full of strife,
I told myself "What's the needle-point?"
Is Jesus a crotchet or is he Afghan?
Oh Lord, does he have a masterplan?
Oh Jesus, give me the weave of life!
Oh Jesus!
Give me the weave of life!


Josie Lawrence
Oh I am so happy, and I am so glad,
'Cos I started to do carpentry, just like Jesus' dad.
I'll no more be a sinner, I'll always try to be good,
'Cos I'm a carpenter for Jesus and I got me some wood!
Oh yeah!
Denalda Williams
Hail the Lord, he won't let me fail,
'Cos he gave me a hammer and he gave me a nail!
I don't care, it's God's law,
If you get it going with a saw!
Oh yeah!
Sandi Toksvig
(as a Southern baptist) Right now, people! I want you all to settle down! (Denalda: Hallelu!)
I want you all to be a woodworker for the Lord!
So what we're gonna say together, brothers and sisters,
We're gonna say "I am a piece of wood!"
Are you ready, brothers and sisters?
All, including the Audience
I am a piece of wood!
Sandi Toksvig
And therefore I won't sing, although maybe I could.
Mike McShane
Satan is a mighty oak, and I'm a beaver
I nibble away of sin all day
I'm a long-toothed furry believer!
I don't care, I don't care where I am
I dig the good God dam
I'm building God's dam
Building God's dam all day!
Building God's dam all day...
You're gonna build
God's dam all day!!


John Sessions
You gotta watch L.A. Law
You gotta watch L.A. Law
It's got the blandest colours
You ever saw!
(Mike: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!)
Greg Proops
My name's Perry Mason, I never lose a case (John: Case, case, case!)
Everybody's always waiting, to tell me to sit on my...
I'm in power, out on the job
I'm doin' the work of the Lord, I never lose a case!
(Mike & Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah!)
Mark Cohen
Well I'm in a wad a trouble, and let me tell you so (Greg: Testify!)
I'm going to jail Lord, that's where I'm gonna go
I went out and smoked some leaf, and now I'm part of a lawyer's brief
Oh, Lord!
Mike McShane
I'm sorry Lord! What have I done?
Was I born on the wrong side of the street? I've been havin' too much fun
I thought I was a giver, not a taker
You made me the lawyer for Reverend Jim Bakker
Oh yeah! No way, yeah!
I can't win-a cos I ain't got (Mark: Sing it, brother!)
I ain't got a chance...
In hell!


Stone Carving Hoedown

Jim Meskimen
If other hobbies leave you in the lurch
You can always break out your chisel and carve yourself a perch
That's right you can carve a marble or a granite
Just go ahead and have at it!
Christopher Smith
You may spend a couple hours cleaning off the sediment
From that age old fallen pediment
But once you have done it you will notice with ease
That it's one of them Grecian frieze!
Ryan Stiles
Well you know carving is lots of fun
It's cheaper to buy rocks by the ton
I like when I'm carving when I'm alone
But I find it's a lot easier when I am stoned!
Josie Lawrence
Everybody chisel your marble, chisel with ease
Chisel your marble please!
Chisel your marble, chisel it right down!
When you're sculpting you won't wear, you won't wear a frown!
Chisel your marble, that's all I can say (Christopher, Jim and Ryan (in background): Chisel your marble, chisel your marble...)
Hit the stone and hit it every day!
You can make almost anything you want,
Chisel your marble, chisel it right down!

Scuba Diving Hoedown 1

Greg Proops
Out on the prairie it's real dry, we don't know why
We wait for it to rain and so we can take a dive
We put on our masks, put on our tanks and dive into the dirt
And then, when we hit our heads on a rock, damn it really hurts!
George McGrath
I like to put on real tight clothes and then go underwater
But every time I get there, I wonder if I oughta
'Cos then I see lots of things, they're swimmy-swimmin' fish
And then they make me talk (gurgling) like this!
Ryan Stiles
I love all the fishies, all the sharkies too
When I see one come towards me, I swim like you
Out of all the friends down there, hey don't you know
There's a friend of mine, the popular Jacques Cousteau!
Mike McShane
Okay, have some fruity George Ballanshee cowboy dancing! (Mike, Greg, George and Ryan dance around the stage)
Ah, I'm a scuba diving boy
I dive for pearls and pick 'em up like toys
And when I'm deep and I really got no cares
Until I'm turning blue 'cos I ain't got no air... (gasps)
He's got no air, he's got no air
He's got no air, he's got no air (Mike: Got no air!)
He ain't got no air!

Skiing Hoedown

Ron West:
I put on my skis and I look like a dope
I'm goin' down the hill which is also called a slope
I feel really good when I'm doing the giant slalom
I can't ever do it right, but that's why my name's Nalom!
Ryan Stiles:
Drinking coffee and skiing can be a lot of fun
When you're heading down that long ski-run
It can be really fun, don'tcha don'tcha know?
But the best part is writing with pee-pee in the snow!
Colin Mochrie:
My girlfriend once she started to ski with a branch
But then she was swallowed up by an avalanche
It really is quite ugly, it really is sublime
But when I see slopes you know I'll pine!
Greg Proops:
Oh I'm a little yuppie, you know I like to ski
I take my beamer to the slopes, just me and my wife and mistress and me
And when I get to skiing, you know it's just a dodge
What I really like to do is pick up chicks in the lodge!

Sex Change Hoedown

Sam Johnson:
Yee-haw! Woo-hoo woo yee!
When I first did meet you, I wanted to give you a whirl
Too bad that you were not a girl
Now that all has changed, I thank my luck star
That you went to Denmark. Yee-haw!
Jane Brucker:
I tell you one thing, I think it's kinda hip
Now that I'm a guy, I never wax my lip
Ever since I just took my brand new testosterone
I've discovered that I've got myself a brand new bone!
Ryan Stiles:
My friends no longer know me, they think that things have changed
All my parts have been rearranged
They don't know me any longer as Billy
Since they cut... off my willy.
Chip Esten:
I have a little boy, you know his name is Tom
I was his daddy, but now I am his mom
I was a tough one, as tough as ol' Charles Bronson
Until I went to the hospital and they cut off my Johnson!

Motorcycling Hoedown

Greg Proops:
(mimes playing a Jews harp)
I love to ride my Harley, I ride it day and night
I drive all through the neighbourhood to give the kids a fright
It may seem kinda stupid, it may seem kinda fun
But they always freak out when I dress up like a nun!
Ron West:
I like to ride my Harley, I like to ride it fast
I get my bitch on the back of me and I slap her ass
Sometimes we go fast, we hit our jaws
I don't give a good damn about the helmet laws!
Ryan Stiles:
I like to ride my bike now, I think it's really slick
And it's the best way to pick up a chick
She gets on and waves and says her bye-byes
There's nothing like hot metal between her thighs!
Brad Sherwood:
Well Harley-Davidsons an awesome machine
Driving Kawasakis is for just a two-bit queen
I love to go riding round so manly in the dirt
And sometimes on the weekends I wear panties and a skirt!

Making Cheese Hoedown

Greg Proops:
I used to masturbate alot, I stopped it if you please
I found another hobbie, I call it making cheese
I use a tiny goat, sometimes it will curdle
When I went to get skimmed milk, I put the goat in a girdle
Colin Mochrie:
I run a little cheese shop, I sell all kinds of cheese
Just come in with money, and I'll take it if you please
I sell from all kinds of nations, from here and there
From here and there and there and here, I used to masturbate
Ryan Stiles:
I like to eat my cheese with my best friend
eat and eat and eat it, until the very end
I like to eat with my friend, don't you know is Sam
After I am done with cheese, I like to e-dam
Brad Sherwood:
I got a billion cheeses, all around my house
I like to entice my lover, which is a brownfield mouse
She is so darn happy, as she is in love with me
When we make love, we make in love in lots of warm, runny brie

Hairdressers Hoedown

Greg Proops:
Oh I hate going for haircuts, it really is a drag
'Cos I think my barber is a mighty hag!
Every time I sit in the chair I always say "Damn my luck"
Because he always cuts my ear and then I yell out "darn".
Russell Fletcher:
To get a haircut I need to save up a few bob
To get a nice knit-one so I can get that new job
But when I went in I came out a bit queerer
I hadn't been to the hairdresser, I'd been to the sheep shearer!
Ryan Stiles:
Oh I'm not sure of my barber, I think he's kinda strange
The way he likes to play at my hair he'd always rearrange
I'm not sure about him, I don't think he's my kind of guy
But I can't complain when he likes to blow me dry!
Josie Lawrence:
Well I hate hairdressers and all the things they say
They push my neck over the sink and say "Have you been on 'oliday?"
Yes I hate hairdressers, I ain't been to one since
I asked them for a blow-dry and they gave me a blue rinse!

Motorways Hoedown

Greg Proops:
When I came to England, I met me a man
He was shiny and bald, his name was Clive Ander-san
There was some confusion, "I said where's the freeway?"
He said "No you silly twat, it's called a motorway"
Colin Mochrie:
I use the motorway, each and every day
It's really turned alot like work, it really is not play
I got hit badly, and why do you suppose?
I got rear-ended by a guy picking his nose
Ryan Stiles:
Driving home from work can be lots of fun
Driving down the highway when your work is done
I love to watch the bugs splat against my glass
The last thing that goes through their mind is their big fat ass
Tony Slattery:
I love the sound of motorways when things go splat
I look out my car window and I've run over a cat
But the the thing I really hate, the worst thing in my life
Is the stupid bastard who designed the M25

Riding a Donkey Hoedown

Stephen Frost:
I was riding my donkey, up a stony pass.
I fell off... onto the grass.
I saw a man and he helped me back on,
That's why I sing this song!
Colin Mochrie:
I like to ride my donkey, I ride him all day long.
He is very, very, very, very, very strong!
(grins and dances while music plays)
Ryan Stiles:
I am a donkey, I love to haul the goods.
I think that's the way every donkey shoulds.
As I am hauling, never without fail,
Someone comes and pokes a pin right in my tail!
Tony Slattery:
I love my fluffy donkey, I like to call him Clive.
I dress him up in panties, he's the best animal alive.
I like to dress him up, in lots of frilly clothes,
And the two of us begin to star in certain videos.

Vasectomy Hoedown

Stephen Frost:
Well, I went to my doctor and he said to me
What you need is a Va-secto-me
Gonna cut your balls of and put 'em in a jar
and then he took his hat off and went "ha ha ha ha har"
Colin Mochrie:
I fight fires in Germany, they really are the worst
I will now do German in my next verse
(sings in fake German) exploden
(sings in fake German) trampolinine
Ryan Stiles:
Some people think it's really lousy job
I love the fact I work round somebody's knob
Everybody thinks it a job that really stinks
But I save all the spare parts and make out cuff-i-links
Tony Slattery:
The doctor went to work one day, he started right down there
He snipped around me tessies and around my pubic hair
For that job I am truly grateful so yes I that I do give thanks
Every time I make love, I'm always shooting blanks

Cinema Hoedown

Josie Lawrence:
The favourite thing in my life is such a crazy dream;
I'd love to be a movie star up there on the screen.
But I'll never be a movie star, no no no no no,
'Cos I'm too busy snogging on the back row!
Stephen Frost:
I love film, I could watch them all night,
I like watching them when I'm in flight,
The ones on the aeroplanes, the screens are too small,
But that's alright, don't bother me, I've only got one ball!
Ryan Stiles:
I am the person that people want to kill
Don't really mind, to me it's kind of a thrill
I'm used to it now, to me it's nothing new,
'Cos I'm the guy who comes in and sits in front of you!
Tony Slattery:
I saw a film the other day it wasn't very good
It starred something that looked like a plank of wood
I looked a little bit closer, I must have been going insane
It wasn't a plank of wood at all - it was Michael Caine!

Christmas Hoedown

Stephen Frost:
Well I love Christmas, I wish it was every day,
I love Christmas do you hear what I say?
Sometimes I go up and sometimes I go down
Did you know there was a man called Coco the Clown?
Colin Mochrie:
I love my Christmas I love it every year
Cause I shove food in my mouth I grin ear to ear
My cholesterol is high... (collapses)
Ryan Stiles:
I really love Christmas, it's better than the rest
When it comes to holiday you know it is the best
I like to celebrate I guess know how it goes
Thats why I prefer to sleep with a reindeer with a red nose!
Tony Slattery:
I like Father Christmas you know he's a hell of a man
I try to see him once a year as often as I can
When he comes I do all the locks
And he comes down the chimney and he fills up my socks!

Pony Trekking Hoedown

Josie Lawrence:
Well love is nothin' but lonely
I'd rather be with my little pony
Trekkin' on the hillside, trekkin' down the course
I love my pony, I also love my horse. (Mike: Who-hoo!)
Rory Bremner:
I like pony trekking on the Holiday Programme
I like drawing pictures everywhere I go and even diagrams
I like going on ponies and bashing them with bricks
It doesn't really hurt me but it makes them go much faster!
Mike McShane:
Yeah pony roundup in the summertime!
Pony roundup in the summertime!
I take 'em left and right on path and then I take them to the osteopath
Pony roundup in the summertime!
Tony Slattery:
I like to go a-trekkin' in the country on my pony
I'm very friendly with the critter, I say "Hello, I'm Tony!"
And then look at me, ohh look out, there's something nasty in the way:
It's not a pony dumpy, it is Mr. Anderson's toupée!

Sex Hoedown

Greg Proops:
I'm a randy bugger, I really get around
I like to have a shag with everyone in town
I have lots of fun and as happy as can be
That's because my name is Tony Slattery
Colin Mochrie:
I like making love, I do it every day
My girlfriend's a contortionist, we do it every way
It's really quite remarkable, the ways that she can bend
She also is a psycic, she foresaw her own end
Ryan Stiles:
Living in the country, there really not much to do
I love to grab anything, and have a real good screw
I guess its really bad, I guess its kind of sad
But my girlfriend looks at me and says "hey you're not ba-aaa-d"
Tony Slattery:
I am a little kinky, my panties are made of fur
I like to stay in the evenings, just me and my cucumber
Then I pull my pants down and start to paint my touche
And dress up in leather and squat on Barbara Bush

Scuba Diving Hoedown 2

Greg Proops
I dance underwater, I do a coral jig
I live there with my friend, a tiny inflatable pig
Wearing a rubber suit, that is my fervent wish
I scuba dive all day long so I can have sex with fish!
Tell me, boy!
Mike McShane
Three feet under, I'm in the water here
I've got my mask on, I'm feeling good oh dear
I'm nuzzling up to fishies in all the deep blue sea
I can't have enough fun, like Jacques Cousteau you see! Ha-Ha!
Ryan Stiles
I'm not very good at swimming, I hope that I don't drown
And if I do I hope that sooner or later my body's found
I think I'm going there now, my vision's getting soft
Where the hell when you need him is David Hasselhoff?
Tony Slattery
I like my scuba diving kit, my pleasure never ends
As long as I don't surface quickly, then I get the bends
I get all my friends and my uncles and aunties
And the most important equipment is my waterproof panties!

Halloween Hoedown

Greg Proops:
I love trick or treatin', I do from door to door
I ask for candy, ask for sweets and then I ask for more
Sometimes they give me lots of rocks and bugs
But I do not care, 'cause I trick or treat on drugs
Colin Mochrie:
Oh I'm so glad that Halloween is finally here
'cause its my favourite time, of the entire year
I dress up, and give all the kids an awful fright
I really don't know why, I'm not wearing a mask tonight
Niall Ashdown:
Last Halloween, there was a terrible blizzard
It was cause by a nasty old wizard
he looked out his window, and cast a fearful spell
and in the morning I did smell
Ryan Stiles:
Halloween can be such a special night
It's a chance to run and scream and fright
When people open the door, oh boy do they run
That's because every year I dress as Clive Anderson

Excessive Drinking Hoedown

(The main suggestion was drinking, but "toad licking" was also suggested as a vice)
Greg Proops:
I used to like the booze, I used to like the trickin'
Now I get my kicks going out toad lickin'
I go out to the desert and find myself a frog
and lick its psychedelic back till I'm high as a dog!
Mike McShane:
Out on the plains, there ain't no liquor store
There just some big cactus, and not very much more
But the Agave I'll tell ya gives the juice
You put it in, let it ferment, it really cuts ya loose - A-HA!
Tony Slattery:
(Tony pulls out a handkerchief from his mouth while muttering something for three and a half lines, so these lines are completely incomprehensible)
.............And then I cut it off!
Ryan Stiles:
Drinking lots of liquor can go right to your head
Well, one day I drank so much that I woke and I was dead
(starts to hesitate) Oh drinking it really takes some nerve
But at least I'm dead, hey, (hesitates) I am well preserved.

Reading of the Will Hoedown

Stephen Frost:
When my father passed away we had to read the will
I didn't turn up 'cos I was feeling ill
We got a letter in the post, it said I had three million quid
So I went out and bought a horse, and this is what I did - YEE-HA!
Colin Mochrie
The other day I went to my dad's funeral
He crossed himself with an elephant, it didn't go to well
The elephant was willing, my daddy he said "Ouch!"
It took me twenty-seven days to scrape him off the couch!
Ryan Stiles
My brother passed away last week, I guess that's kinda sad
Because he was the best brother that I have ever had
But he'll always be with me because we made a pact:
I'll put my hand right up him and start a ventriloquist act!
Tony Slattery
My mother died the other day, I hit her with a cosh
I hoped that in the will she would leave me lots of dosh
But when I read the will I found out that I was not rich
She just left me her knickers, what a stupid bitch!

Being Stood up Hoedown

Carolin Quentin:
Last Night I waited I waited all night long
I waited for my boyfriend I sang a little song:
"Where in the hell are you darling dear?"
But he didn't turn up so I'm still waiting here.
Colin Mochrie:
Oh I meet a girl I really really like
I hope she'd come over, but she didn't! (angrily) Can you believe it?
You know, I've been waiting! I've been waiting!
No call! No phone call! (storms off)
Ryan Stiles:
When it comes to girl I seem to have some kind of hex
I can never get I want and that is sex
I'm just a run around I scream and I rant
I guess should just pay money like my friend Hugh Grant
Tony Slattery:
I waited in the resturant I waited just all night
I drank so much whiskey I began to get quite tight
And there no-one turned up in the end and I thought "oh, no"
And then I kissed a labrador and then I ... (cracks up)

Puberty Hoedown

(Going grey was also suggested as an important stage in a person's life)
Stephen Frost:
When I was a young man I went to my friend's house for tea
But he was growing up too fast, he was going through puberty
He had hairs on his top lip and underneath his arms
His mother came in and caught us kissing and.. joined in.
Josie Lawrence:
Ho, ho, oh I hate puberty
All my things are sticking out and I have got acne
Oh, oh, oh, I do not want to grow
So if this is a Hoedown, I'll just do-si-do!
Colin Mochrie:
I like going grey, I really, really do
I really, really, really, really, please don't misconstrue
To many it's a source of consternation
But I'm quite happy with my hair pigmentation!
Ryan Stiles:
Things are starting to happen to me way below my belt
It's the strangest thing that I have ever felt
I turn out the lights and I play with my crotch
Every night when I watch all the girls on Baywatch!

Tory Politicians Hoedown

Greg Proops:
Tory politicians, they really are a drag
bumming common people, that just ain't my bag
But I am a waffler and a total prat
So next election I will vote Liberal Democrat
Rory Bremner:
(as John Major) No one likes our party, they think we're full of shit
divided over Europe, and most of us are split
We're going off on holiday, I do not really care
The feel good factor is coming soon, it's name is Tony Blair
Colin Mochrie:
Politics is very strange, it confuses me alot
There are tories, liberals, wigs and others, put me on the spot
They do things very strange (hesitates)
(Colin faints)
Ryan Stiles:
Being in power can loom really large
Seems everyone wants to really be in charge
People who want power will do anything on a dare
As a matter of fact that's why Clive ripped out all his hair

Women Hoedown

Stephen Frost:
I'm scared of spiders and animals too
So I really freak out when I'm at the zoo
But the things that scare me most of all, every now and then
Are those big tall long leggy things they call wo-men!
Niall Ashdown:
I first made love to a girl called Sheila
When we made love she proved to be a bit of a squealer
But I was scared but there isn't anything finer
Than to see her, 'cos she's from Asia Minor!
Colin Mochrie:
I'm afraid of women, especially at night
They always come towards me, they give me such a fright
They're leathery and small and their wings get in my hair
Oh wait a minute, it's not women, it's vampire bats I.. oh...
Ryan Stiles:
My girlfriend's kinda special, she's one of a kind
Down in Soho is where I did find
When I put my mouth on her she really starts to blubber
I guess that's what you get from a girl made of rubber!

Grandmothers Hoedown

(Grandmothers was the main hoedown, but a previous suggestion for a danger of the 90's was mobile phones)
Stephen Frost:
I went to my grandmother's just the other week
She greeted the door, and she gave my nipple a tweak
She's always doing that to me, when my back is turned
Last week she opened a coal shed, and there was a milk urn! (starts laughing)
Josie Lawrence:
I love my grandmother, 'cos she is very nice
I go and visit her on Sundays and she gives me some advice:
Like always use a Bible, and never shave your legs,
And tomorrow she's teaching me how to suck eggs!
Colin Mochrie:
I have a mob-eel phone, it is very neat
It dials, and calls, and washes my feet
It expands, and grows, and turns into a plane
It really is quite neat... I'm insane!
Ryan Stiles:
I love my grandmother and when the day ends
I discover that we are a bit more than friends
(audience laughs and cheers, Ryan stops singing)
...the teeth right off her gums!

World Leaders Hoedown

Greg Proops
Hi Ich bin ein German, my name is Helmut Kohl
And you know kids I really really like to rock and roll
I like to go to America, it's where I get my kicks
'Cos President Clinton knows all the easy chicks!
Rory Bremner
(as David Frost) Welcome to world leaders, my name is David Frost
I'm bringing you world leaders, no matter what the cost
(as Bill Clinton) I'm a sorta world leader, I'm a pleasant kinda fella!
(as Nelson Mandela) But I'm an even nicer bloke, my name's Nelson Mandela!
Colin Mochrie
I'm a world leader, I hate democracy
Because you know I'm a dicatator, you see
I go to make people march to and fro and back
The best thing about being dictator is I look good in black!
Ryan Stiles
Once I ruled Israel with an iron hand
I was the best leader in all of the land
Sure I was rich, but no-one lived in fear
I've got silver in my pocket and gold in my ear!

Giving Birth Hoedown

Greg Proops:
I am nine months pregnant, I tell you that it hurts
Every year I pop out a couple of little squirts
When I go into the room to have those little.. drugs...
Oh fuck my ass!
You know, failing is one of the major parts of television. If we may, I'll pick it up.
Oh I'm a little baby, I live inside my mummy
In a couple of months time I'll come out of her tummy
When I'm grown up I will run around on rugs
But so she doesn't cry I hope she takes a lot of drugs!
Karen Maruyama:
All right.
Well having a baby should be given to men
'Cos when I had mine I killed my O.B.G.Y.N.
Hey having a baby, it makes me want to beg
'Cos nothing's more painful than seeing that thing drop through your legs - OWW!!
Colin Mochrie:
There's nothing more beautiful in this great big earth
Than watching a wife... giving birth
Just seeing it fills me with ecstacy
The thing I liked best was thank God it wasn't me!
Ryan Stiles:
Watching a baby come out can be really neat
I pull up a chair and I sit right down at her feet
They call the police on me so I'm heading out the door
Apparently because she's never seen me before!

Tight Trousers Hoedown

(Pasta was also suggested as something that makes people angry)
Mike McShane:
I'm a western boy, I like my pants real tight
I like 'em long and lean and fittin' just right
When I slip 'em on they feel so nice and coolie
Especially when they've lynched me up and I'm pressed against my goolies!
Brad Sherwood:
I think pasta is religious in fact I think it's holy
I cover myself in marinara and pads of ravioli
I sometimes clean al-dente with using it like floss
And sometimes I stir it in my pants to make the special sauce!
(collapses onto the step behind in laughter)
Colin Mochrie:
I like wearing pants that are very, very tight
I wear them in the day and I wear them in the night
Sure sometimes it just cuts off all my circulation,
But I don't... (collapses)
Ryan Stiles:
When I go out clubbing my pants are mighty tight
Sometimes it gets me in many, many fights
Everybody looks at me, they go "You son of a gun!"
But I'm not actually wearing any, they're just painted on!

Marriage Problems Hoedown

Josie Lawrence:
I've been having problems, with me and my feller,
So we went to see a marriage counsellor.
Her name was Helen, she was very nice,
Now I live with her instead, and my life is full of spice.
Stephen: (points to Richard) He's good, isn't he?
Clive: Yeah.
Stephen Fry:
(speaks, way out of time with the music) Music and sex are very similar to me, I just can't make them.
Ah, whenever I do, or whenever I try to do, I find the best way is to fake them.
I've been to that Ann Summers shop, I've been in every branch,
The only way I can really get it off is with Richard Vranch.
Colin Mochrie:
I'm a great blue whale and I live under sea,
I'm having problems with my wife, and me.
She always talks about old boyfriends, it really makes me sick,
Well how the hell can I compare to a guy named Moby Dick?
Ryan Stiles:
I live in the U.S., married a girl from the south,
She's always screaming got a really big old mouth.
She comes out a-swinging, a-screamin' and a-fussin',
I guess that's what you get when you marry your sister's brother's cousin.

Weddings Hoedown

Stephen Frost:
My brother got married, his name is Grommit,
And when he walked down the aisle, I began to vomit.
The vicar cleared it up, and put it under the cake,
And at the wedding reception, we all sat and ate cake... flake... da... brake...
Greg: Is that it then?
Stephen: That's it.
Greg Proops:
I believe in marriage, I think it is a treat,
And on the day I married, I looked so very neat.
But a couple of years later, I began to cry,
It made me totally sick because my name is Lady Di.
Colin Mochrie:
I hate weddings, they make me really sick,
Just looking at them, makes me go "Ick, Ick".
I really really hate them, I hate them all the time,
You know what I hate most of all, Greg just took my rhyme!
Ryan Stiles:
I make the wedding dresses, in my special way,
I make them for those pretty girls, on their special day.
But sometimes I get angry and I make such a fuss,
When I lift up the dress and find the bride's got a penis.

Cricket Hoedown

Debi Durst:
When I'm in England I love to watch the telly
I like to watch cricket but it looks real smelly
There are these guys flyin' around in white
What the hell are they doing? Hey! Room service give me a bite!
Greg Proops:
(in English accent) I'm a cricket player, I stand upon the pitch
I wait for the ball to come, and then I give it a switch
When the game is over, I retire for a beer
I know what your thinking, and, no, we're not
Colin Mochrie:
I hate watching cricket, how do they do that play?
It seems to run and run and run, it goes on for fifty days
It takes so long, it takes so long, it really is a crime
(very fast) in the time it takes to play cricket I can make love 455 times
Ryan Stiles:
I'm going to the cricket match with a pretty girl
I really don't like the game but, hey, let's give it a whirl
I sit there and make fun, oh boy, I pick it
until she leans over, and grabs my sticky wicket

Worst Nightmares Hoedown

Stephen Frost:
When I go to sleep, I have nightmares all the time
I have this weird dream, I'm covered in lime
And a giant licks me really, really hard
And by the time he's finished, I've turned to a lump of.. lard.
Brad Sherwood:
I have lots of nightmares, and I try to be brave
I'm covered in Vaseline with my mom in a cave
Then in the morning, I wake up from a chance
And in there in my bed is Colin in my pants!
Colin Mochrie:
Every night I go to sleep, I go to sleep each night
And when I have a horrible dream it gives me quite a fright
I'm at a carnival and the big cotton candy I've won
I eat it, eat it and when I woke up I find my pillow's gone!
Ryan Stiles:
When I go to sleep at night, you know my biggest fear
That walking around the room is some sort of creat-chear... (cracks up)
Can we start over?
When I go to sleep, I'm so afraid of the dark
Then one night, I turned on the lights just for a lark
Aargh! Right before me is a real ugly creat-chear (trying hard not to crack up again)
Then I realised I'm looking in the mirror!

Golf Hoedown

Stephen Frost:
When I was a schoolboy, my teacher said to me,
I'm gonna teach you golf, this is called a tee.
You put the ball on it, and swing very hard,
But make sure you use a club and not a piece of lard!
Greg Proops:
I'm next to Colin Mochrie, he really is a chum.
Before we shoot the programme, he lets me pat his bum.
But when we go out golfing, it really makes me sick,
'Cause he always asks me to grab onto his stick.
Colin Mochrie:
I love playing golf, I play it all the time,
Though the way I play it some think it is a crime.
My golfing instructor told me it was lots of fun,
When he stepped in front of me, whoops, hole in one!
Ryan Stiles:
When I go golfing, we always bet a buck.
Then my friend kisses me, he kisses for good luck.
I'm not saying I'm aroused 'cause he is just a friend,
But when he smooches me it makes my putter stand on end.

Barristers & Lawyers Hoedown

Stephen Frost:
I was in the courtroom just the other day,
And the jury I began to sway
I was doing my final speech, it was going really well
When the judge fell asleep... Bloody hell!
Brad Sherwood:
I'm a lawyer, and I needed to hire an assistant,
I saw a girl outside, and she was awfully persistent,
She came in and told me all her legal beliefs,
Later on I fell asleep and she went through my briefs!
Colin Mochrie:
Lawyers sue for everything, it really makes no sense
I just got a suit against me because of impotence
I really thought it was awful, I felt like such a bad sport
But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court!
Ryan Stiles:
I made a big mistake and I stole a car
Cops pulled me over before I got too far!
I know I'll get convicted and go to the pen
Because I'm being represented by Clive Ander-sen!

Lottery Winning Hoedown

Greg Proops:
Oh I love the lottery, it makes me so excited
and if I were to win it, I sure would be delighted
But every time I go to the shop, it is just a drag
I see the shopkeeper and I have to give him a shag
Rory Bremner:
I just won the lottery, my lucky number's six
Having won the lottery, I'm going to pick up some chicks
I'll take them out, take 'em dining, then have fun with them all
I can't wait to see the smile on thier face when the see my bonus ball
Colin Mochrie:
If I won the lottery, I would be one happy clown
cause then I would hire someone to do this hoedown
So if what I say isn't funny, and you're vexed
Don't worry, Ryan's coming up with funny, he's next
Ryan Stiles:
I hope to win the lottery, with a lot of luck
Boy, when I go crazy, I probably would *cough*
I wouldn't change it all, I'd keep my same old life
Sure I'd go to the whore-house, and maybe kick out my wife

Colin Hoedown

Greg Proops:
(imitating Colin's voice) I love to sing like Colin, I really, really do
I really,really, really, really, really, really do
And when I sing like Colin, It makes me have great joy
Because I...(Goes berzerk and does Colin's Dinosaur impression)
Phil LaMarr:
Well there is a man they call the King of Whose Line
His soul is on fire and his mind is very fine
He does a hoedown and he very, rarely sucks
Cause he is one talented, folically challenged Canuck
Colin Mochrie:
Everybody having fun, they're singing all about me
Let's all laugh along with them "Ha ha ha he he"
It really is amusing can't you all see
Look at them, look at them of me their making a Mock-rie
Ryan Stiles:
You got to love Colin, love him to the end
I have to admit that, he is my best friend
I would not lie to you, this is no jive
Anyway you look at it, he's still got more hair than Clive

Extra Bit: Gambling Hoedown

Colin Mochrie:
I entered the lottery, I bought myself a ticket
Watched all the numbers, I saw the people pick it
And now I'm really rich... Hey, I don't have to sing
I don't have to do this! I'M RICH! I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT! (runs around the stage)

Questions Only

At the Vet's

Clive:'re going to the vet, which in England means a veterinary surgeon, rather than somebody who's served in Vietnam. So going to the vet, questions only, away you go!
Greg: Thank you, Mr. Pedantic! (Buzz!)
Clive: That wasn't a question, you're out! So...
Tony: Now what's wrong with your animal?
Colin: Can you help me?
Tony: What is it?
Colin: Can't you tell?
Tony: Aren't I the vet?
Colin: Haven't you ever seen a Burmese cat before?
Tony: Do I look as if I have?
Colin: Why are you asking me?
Tony: Aren't you the one with the problems?
Colin: Doesn't the cat look sick?
Tony: Is it dead?
Colin: Do I know?
Tony: Why ask me?
Colin: Do I look like a doctor?
Tony: What have you been feeding it?
Colin: Today?
Tony: ... (Tony cracks up. Buzz!)
Ryan: How long has he had this fever?
Colin: This cat?
Ryan: Can you see any other cats?
Colin: Can't you tell I'm perturbed?
Ryan: Is he Siamese?
Colin: Does he look Siamese?
Ryan: Are you Siamese?
Colin: Are you trying to get my goat?
Ryan: Don't we know each other?
Colin: Weren't we in class together?
Ryan: Are you Phil Johnson?
Colin: Are you Bob Fillyfoo?
Ryan: How the hell...? (Buzz!)
Clive: (motions that Colin is out) Sorry, too silly! Bob Fillyfoo's not a real name!
Greg: Do you think you can save him, Bob Billyboo?
Ryan: Do you think I have the talent?
Greg: Isn't that what you're here for?
Ryan: Is four years medical school too little?
Greg: Is five billion dollars enough to pay this fee?
Ryan: Do you have the money?
Greg: Do you need it now?
Ryan: American cash?
Greg: Will you take a bad cheque?
Ryan: Is it your cheque?
Greg: Is that what you want?
Ryan: Do you think I can help him?
Greg: Won't you help Fifi?
Ryan: Will you assist me?
Greg: Would you like me to?
Ryan: Could I have the scalpel?
Greg: Is this the one you want?
Ryan: Does blood scare you? (makes the incision)
Greg: Is that his internal organs?
Ryan: Do you see that? (takes something out and hands it to Greg)
Greg: Are you sure this isn't... something else?
Ryan: Would you like to keep it?
Greg: May I eat it?
Ryan: Wouldn't it make a great necklace?
Greg: Do you have any fondue?
Ryan: ... (Buzz!)

Circus Auditions

Josie: Is this the audtions?
Mike: Are you an august clown or a white-face clown?
Josie: Whats a white face clown?
Mike: You mean you don't know (Buzzed)
Greg: Why are you late?
Josie:Is there something in my eye?
Greg: Why do you ask?
(Josie can't think of a question and is buzzed)
Greg: Do you want to audition now?
Ryan: Is there another time?
Greg: Do you want to discuss the pay?
Ryan: Can you put it in the bank?
Greg: Is there another way?
Ryan: Do you know my wife?
Greg: Dosen't everyone?

At a Singles' Party

Josie: Why are the walls painted this colour?
Stephen: Are you pissed?
Josie: Is there alcohol here?
Stephen: Is this a party or what?
Josie: What's your name?
Stephen: ...Ah well you got me there! (Buzz!)
Colin: What's your sign?
Josie: Wouldn't you like to know, huh?
Colin: Can't you tell me?
Josie: Do you French kiss?
Colin: With my clothes on?
Josie: Do you have a naked body under there then?
Colin: Would you like to see? (pretends to take his clothes off)
Josie: ... (Buzz!)
Ryan: Should I speak or should you speak?
Colin: Do you mind if I put on my clothes first?
Ryan: ... (Buzz!)
Josie: So are you looking for love in your life?
Colin: Can't you tell?
Josie: Would you like a drink?
Colin: Shall I mix it for you?
Josie: ... What's your... (Buzz!)
Colin: What would you like?
Ryan: Do you have vodka?
Colin: Russian?
Ryan: Is there any other kind?
Colin: ... (Buzz!)
Stephen: Haven't we met before?
Ryan: Bill Crookenbauer?
Stephen: Roger Johnson? (they shake hands)
Ryan: How the hell have you been?
Stephen: All-thaaaa....!

Aliens Meeting Earthlings

Caroline: Who are you?
Colin: Can't you tell by my green skin?
Caroline: Do you like my blue skin?
Colin: (says nothing, buzzed out)
Clive: Too boring Colin, I'm afraid!
Greg: Would you like to hold my antennae?
Caroline: Do you need to ask?
Greg: (laughs and is buzzed out)
Colin: Can you take me to your leader?
Caroline: Can you tell me who it is?
Colin: How would I know?
Caroline: Do you want me to take you anyway?
Colin: Can you do it quickly?
Caroline: Can I?!
Colin: What do you mean by that?
Caroline: Do I mean anything?
Colin: Pardon? (Buzzed)
Clive: Too short a question.
Colin: Ah, Screw you! (leaves)
Greg: Would you like to use my craft?
Caroline: Where is your craft?
Greg: Can you tell me? I've forgotten!
Caroline: Have I seen it somewhere around?
Greg: Have you? (Buzzer)
Clive: I am just buzzing you out for the hell of it Caroline, because you were winning so well.
Greg: Do you come in peace?
Ryan: Are you here to conquer us?
Greg: Haven't we met on Uranus?
Ryan: Phil?
Greg: Binky?
Ryan: Have you been drinking?
Greg: Have I?!
Ryan: Tequila?
Greg: You know, don't you?
Ryan: Does your breath smell bad?
Greg: Well you haven't changed, have you?
Ryan: Do you have more than two eyes?
Greg: You can't tell, can you?
Ryan: You're going to kill me aren't you?
Greg: Interesting question!

Army Recruitment Office

Tony: So, you want to be a soldier, it that right?
Steve: Do you get a free uniform?
Tony: (slightly higher pitch) Why are you asking me?
Steve: Are they tanks
Tony: (slightly higher) Are they tanks, where?
Steve: This is the army recruitment office, isn't it?
Tony: (even higher) haven't you got eyes?
Steve: I thought the army supplied them. That's a statement, I'm out
Tony: (even higher) You want to be a ren, do you?
Colin: Isn't it obvious?
Tony: (higher) Why should it be obvious?
Colin: Why are you asking that?
Tony: (still high pitched) Aren't you a soldier? (buzzed) woah!
Clive: Too high pitched, sorry (Colin and Tony laugh, Tony leaves)
Ryan: Do I have what it takes to be a soldier
Colin: I don't know, do you?
Ryan: Can you help me?
Colin: How can I help?
Ryan: Do I get a gun?
Colin: Can you climb that rope?
Ryan: You think that's too high for me?
Colin: Is Cilla black?
Ryan: Is Barry white?
Colin: Would you like to climb beside you?
Ryan: Would you like to show me how?
Colin: Can you follow me?
Ryan: Can I come right behind you?
Colin: Do you think this is the navy?

French Romance Story

Brad: Where did I go?
Mike: Did you run and get me the gift from the chocolate shop?
Brad: How could I forget?
Mike: Are you not a man who keeps his promise's how rare you are?
Brad: Are you gonna to kiss me now?
Mike: Am I gonna give you a tongue slapping yes? (Kisses Brad)
Clive: (Buzz) I buzzing you out Brad to save you further punishment
Mike: Are you next?
Ryan: No (Buzz)
Brad: Did you have garlic for dinner?
Mike: Did you Notice?
Brad: Notice!

Stag Night

Steve: Do you wanna drink?
Brad: What do ya got?
Steve: What do ya like?
Brad: Do you have vodka?
Steve: Do you get pissed easily?
Brad: Do you wanna dance?
Steve: Are you a poof? I'm so sorry (leaves)
Colin: Am I late for the entertainment?
Brad: Aren't you the entertainment?
Colin: Have you ever seen a man juggle live bunnies naked before?
Brad: Is this my chance?
Colin: Is this the best thing you have ever seen?
Brad: What's with the bowling balls?
Colin: You mean the green one?
Brad: Is that what that is?
Colin: Have you got the money to pay me?
Brad: Will you except one quid?
Colin: What's that in American money?
Brad: (shrugs then walks off)
Clive: One quid?
Ryan: Order some bunnies?
Colin: How many have you got there?
Ryan: Is 10 too many?
Colin: Didn't you hear the order I placed?
Ryan: You placed an order?
Colin: If I didn't, why are you hear?
Ryan: Is it wrong that I am hear?
Colin: Can we start all over?
Ryan: Why don't you...? (speaks in gibberish and gets buzzed)
Brad: What do you do with the bunnies, exactly?
Colin: (laughs and get's buzzed)
Steve: Who's getting married?
Brad: Didn't you call me a poofter earlier?
Steve: You sure that was me?
Brad: You have a twin brother?
Steve: Yeah, I do (buzzed)
Colin: You nervious?
Brad: Should I be?
Colin: Didn't you hear the five minute call?
Brad: Aren't you his twin?
Colin: Why are you asking?
Brad: You heard of the FBI?
Colin: Are you gonna put me in handcuffs?
Brad: Would you like me to?
Colin: You have something smaller?
Brad: Would you like some oil to rub down with?
Colin: What kind of an FBI agent are you?

Let's Make A Date

Stephen Frost: (German U-Boat commander)(takes shoe off) Das boot!

Ryan:(Compulsive liar) I confessed about 10 minutes ago, I confess about 4 times a day, Being a Catholic myself, yet I really have nothing to confess about because I'm so good, I really hope one of the other contestant win, I have biggest penis is the world.

Stephen Fry: (as a trendy vicar) I'm a Dick, call me a Dick

(Question 1)
Greg: Will you describe yourself to me in a short poem?
Colin: (has a death wish) Sure... I'm handsome. No And, bits or ifs, you will be good if you threw me off a cliff. Then watch me plummet. Just plummet. Plummet down to the rocks below!! (laughs manically). I didn't rhyme with the last part, but I got involved with the imagery.
(Question 2)
Greg: Number two
Colin: Yes?
Greg: I love travelling...
Colin: Oh, trains, speeding along. Especially if your just sitting on the track, watching them come
Ryan: (Desperately trying to get aroused) Ah, come, come, come, come, come

Mike: (Dog making a dirty phone call) I'm exhausted, give me a bone
Brad: Isn't that fetching? Number Two? I'n not...
Colin: (Annoyed by Brad's stupidity) Isn't that fetching? Oh, come on!
Brad: Well, I'm not gonna ask you anything... bastard!


  • Greg: (wearing hat with US Flag on it)(as John Major) Hello Americans. I'm Prime Minister of a rather influential European country. I'll be looking for a job soon.
  • Rory: (wearing judges wig) Sorry, I'm a terrible judge of character.
  • Ryan: (wearing hat stacked with fruit) I have nothing to say, I just like wearing this.
  • Steve: (wearing Russian commander hat) (sound Russian and drunk) If you like vodka... (falls off stool)
  • Colin: (wearing sailor hat) I said all hands on deck, leave Dick alone!
  • Ryan: (wearing tall hat) Do you have a head for deals? I know I do!
  • Ryan: (wearing hat with small balls attached to the sides) Try our new leather shoes. I have the balls, do you?
  • Steve: (wearing British commander hat) ALL RIGHT, LISTEN HERE!!! BEEN ABUSED?! BEEN BLAMED?! THEN JOIN THE ARMY NOW! (salutes)
  • Greg: (wearing set of traffic lights) I don't wanna give you mixed signals.
  • Caroline: (wearing blue swim cap) I am very keen on safe sex.
  • Colin: (wearing silver hat with wings) I am make love to you till I'm thor.
  • Greg: (wearing Gennie hat) You don't have to rub the bottle to make me come out!
  • Greg: (wearing beekeepers hat) Hey, Honey. (pauses due to audience laughter) Do you like gentle walks in the garden followed by a frenzied run back into the house?
  • Ryan: (wearing a ten-gallon hat) If you like her, we'll brand her!
  • Colin: (wearing a papal hat) I don't have much experience...
  • Josie: (wearing a crown) It's just that everyone seems so beneath me...
  • Caroline: (wearing a jockey hat) Hello! Welcome to Pony Club! (giggles) I'd love a new boyfriend, I'd like someone who's a real stallion!
  • Ryan: (wearing a beekeepers hat) We promise with our girls, you won't come down with a case of hives!
  • Caroline: (wearing a gold cap) (Australian accent) My name's Kylie Minogue, and if you'd like to date me I could dance and take ya out!
  • Ryan: (wearing a crown) Into that unusual kinky sort of date? We've got someone fit for a king. (Whistles) Here, King!
  • Colin: (wearing a Santa hat) Want your stocking stuffed?
  • Josie: (wearing a burlesque-style headgear with feathers) Hi, I'm Cindy! Why not let me tickle yer fancy?
  • Caroline: (wearing a yellow rain hat) 'Ello. I'd like a boyfriend who likes to go out in a high gale!
  • Ryan: (wearing a deerstalker hat) Looking for a younger girl? She's in elementary school, my dear Watson!
  • Colin: (wearing a tall bandleaders' hat) (flails his arms about) And that's with my hands!
  • Ryan: (wearing a fortune tellers' turban) (bad Indian accent) Don't tell me... You're looking for someone slim with a big bust. Aren't we all!?


Greg:(Boomerang Man/Beautiful Martini Man) My God, there's hair loss all over the world! Look at Clive Anderson's head - it's like continetal drift! All the hair's going away!

Colin: Sorry I'm late, but I wasn't on time.


Hang-gliding March

Jim Sweeney
A march, march, march, march, that's what we hang-gliders do
March, march, march, march, you certainly would too.
We glide all day, we have such fun, it's great fun by the pound
Until we forget how to land and hit the bloody ground!
Sandi Toksvig:
I like to go up high, up into the sky
But there's one thing that's very unpleasant
I (speaks quickly) don't think anything's going to rhyme with unpleasant actually
(normal speed) It only happens occasionally, it only happens to some,
But every time I go up, I get a draught up me bum!
Paul Merton:
Oh I love hang-gliding, I do it every day
I sometimes go up in the air and sometimes I go to Bray
Which is near a place I used to live when I was but a boy,
Hang-gliding isn't a hobby - it's more a sort of big toy!
Mike McShane:
I'm an adventurer, I like to keep my many, many days filled,
By becoming a member of the blind hang-flyers guild.
I like to go up in the air, though I can't see a thing,
I loft off a cliff on a prayer and a wing,
Flying left or right, I really can't tell,
I have no idea is heaven up, or where the devil is hell,
But when I reach the end of it, I land up with a flash,
And make a perfect three point crash!

Banking March

Tony Slattery:
Oh fiscal things are sweet to me, in many ways they're honey,
Yes my life centres around lots and lots of money,
Oh money, money, money, I don't need wit,
To be a banker you need to be a duplicitous git.
Sandi Toksvig:
We had a cashier in our bank, well she couldn't do any counting.
Which is really difficult but she was very good at mounting.
So instead of making her into a bank teller,
We put her by a lamppost, and set up trying to sell her.
Colin Mochrie:
I love the feel of money, it's so crisp in banks.
I like the smell of dollars, of pounds, of francs.
(pauses) Instrumental!
(piano plays while Colin stares at the camera)
Mike McShane:
I'm dating a woman, the woman is a banker,
She's damn good to me, I'd really like to thank her.
She lets me make deposits every day and every night,
An early withdrawal's a penalty, but for me it's alright.
I've got lots to put in the vault,
Just because I'm loaded, it's really not my fault.
But I don't think I could find an enemy in the worst or the best,
'Cause she always charges me with interest.

Collecting Typewriters March

Jim Sweeney:
A tippity-tip, a tippity-tip, a flash on the space key,
Typewritin' for every day, that's what I do, that's me.
Typewritings great, it's absolutely the best thing in the world,
Now I know that I'm really not going to find a rhyme.
Steve Steen:
A hundred and fifty typewriters I play upon with ease,
A hundred and fifty typewriters, all with the bloody same keys,
Now what do you make of that, I say, and when I put in the paper,
I often wish I'd changed my mind and become a nice little draper.
Paul Merton:
I'm a bit of a lover, I'm not a fighter, that's why I love the old typewriter,
I'm a messy eater, I have food and when I do I spill it down the front of myself and that's why when I start getting carried away with things I put a bib on,
And my favourite part of the typewriter is the ribbon!
Mike McShane:
Shift, space, shift, space, shift, space, shift, space,
I'm an instructor of typewriters,
I make sure they do a good job,
I take the common man, I give him a typing plan,
And I make him a fancy typing yob.
I've got millions of typewriters in my building,
Some are German, some are French and some are Yank,
When I have them work on their exercises upon,
The typewriter I have them spell out the word "wank".

Dog-Sledding March

Josie Lawrence
I have a strange hobby, a hobby that's all mine
I like doing things with a particular canine.
Yes that's what I do, and yes that's what I said,
I like to put my doggy in his own little sled.
I take him to the hilltop, I make him go right down,
My doggy doesn't like it, he starts a nasty frown
But I just say "Oh doggy, please shut up, tush tush!"
And then I put him on my sled and then I go "Hey, mush!"
Ryan Stiles
People think the way I have dogs, the way I arrange,
They think I'm a weird guy, they think that I am strange,
I don't know what it is, I think I'm rather lucky,
When you get a dog in the sled, you really have...
Colin Mochrie
I had a dog that pulled a sled, he wasn't very fleet
So I took my gun out and I shot him in the feet
Two years later, he came back with the law
And said he was looking for the guy who shot his paw!
Mike McShane
I'm world class champion dog sledder,
When it comes to dog sleeding there's none better
I have a team of huskies, I tell them "Mush!" and "Go!"
And they plough through proudly and bravely through the snow.
I can't get enough of sledding,
It's better than feather-down bedding,
But one thing that really gets me going for my ya-ya,
Is whipping up a twelve-pack of chihuahuas!

Taxidermy March

Josie Lawrence
I love animals, because I'm kind of rough
There is not an animal in the world I wouldn't like to stuff
You see 'cos I love animals, one thing I'd love to do
Is invite you round and get some kapok and then I can stuff you - two, three, four!
Greg Proops
I am a rabbit, my life is in a rut
'Cos I sit on a wooden plaque all day with a metal rod up my butt!
Sandi Toksvig
My dog he's very unhappy, he sits upon my bed
He's very, very sad mainly because he's dead
I stuffed him up the bum with little bits of tile
I think it really hurts but he's got a heck of a smile!
Mike McShane
I'm an icthyo-taxidermist, I like to stuff large fish
A flounder or a trout is my solemn oath and wish
I like the little sardines, the anchovies give me a thrill
But stuffing lots of plankton's hard, it's hard to keep it still!

Weddings March

Jim Sweeney:
I'm going to get married, yes get married pretty soon,
And then we're off to Europe, to go on our honeymoon.
We'll be leaving bright and early off one day from Dover
As soon as I get rid of this bloody great ... hangover.
Steve Steen:
I'm going to get married, get married at my church
I'm going to get married to the prettiest wife I know.
I'm going to get there, and as soon as I arrive,
I'm going to fall down 'cos I'm pissed, I'll take a dive.
Stephen Frost:
I'm a little bridesmaid, I like to catch the flowers,
I haven't caught them once and I've been standing here for hours!
I've got a lovely frock on, it's made of silk and.. and silk,
And after I've drunk all the champagne, have a glass of milk!
Tony Slattery:
I got married yesterday, I had an awful time,
I drank two bottles of crappy British wine.
I'm going to leave my wife as quickly as I can
'Cos I don't like her, I like the best man!

Giving Birth March

Greg Proops:
Oh I'm an obstretrician, I'm strong and I'm true,
I deliver babies for you and you and you.
A woman came in yesterday, she was so very fat,
It turned out she didn't have a baby, she'd swallowed a cat.
Paul Merton:
Oh my wife just had a baby yesterday,
I was so happy that I decided to go away,
I went 25 miles, to another town,
And when I got back, the baby was upside-down.
Ryan Stiles:
I am a nervous doctor, this is a first for me,
I'll make sure to wash all my hands.
Then I'll dip in up to my elbows,
I'm the best in the land.
Josie Lawrence:
Well I'm a little baby, and I scared mum to distraction,
'Cause I popped out, whoosh, on her first contraction.
Everyone around was very overawed,
As I hung on to the umbilical cord.

Vegtables March

Jim Sweeney:
I like to go out shopping, I do it every day.
I shop over here, and I shop the other way.
I buy lots of things, but I never buy veg,
Because it's sold by a man called Reg.
Steve Steen:
I hate everything, everything that's green,
All kinds of vegetables to me are obscene.
I wouldn't spend all day working on a plot,
No, quite frankly, I'd feel a bit of a twot.
Paul Merton:
(speaks normally and out of time)
I hate vegetables, I wish they would all finish,
But amongst the vegetables I really hate is spinach.
I hate all kinds of vegetables, I hate every single one,
And if I had the right to get rid of them, I probably would, actually...
Tony Slattery:
I've got an aversion of vegetables, they really make me puke,
Except for one tomato, I like him, he's called Luke.
But the biggest pair of vegetables, that really make me sick,
Are the two from Good Morning with Anne and Nick.

Film & Theatre Styles

(Josie is Cinderella, while Paul is the Fairy Godmother)
Clive: Oscar Wilde
Josie: Oh please, I do so want to go to the ball. Would you like a cup of tea?
Paul: That's very Oscar Wilde, that is! You can always tell a man by the way he drinks his tea. A man who drinks with the handle facing towards him is necessarily a Liberal. A man who drinks without a cup is obviously mad!
Clive: That was almost as if Oscar was in the room!
(Julian Clary is a door-to-door salesman knocking on Paul's door)
Clive: Greek tragedy
Julian: (to Paul)Why? Why haven't we met before? (to audience) That's the chorus.
Paul: Because I have only just moved into the area.
Julian: (to Paul) I've come to sleep with your mother then kill her. (to audience) In that order.
Paul: I'm afraid I've done it already!
Julian: How about your father? Is he around?
Clive: Pirate movie.
Julian: Well if you don't want my brushes, then...
Paul: Do you fancy a Jolly Roger?
Julian: Yes.

(Greg and Mike are fixing a motorbike)
Mike: So, you've borded out so it can move alot faster?
Greg: Yeah, man, it's totally chared. The bikes all waxed, greese gonna shoot through, BOOM, gone
Mike: It's toally bitchin', these handle bars are chromed, everythinh looks great
Greg: Totally, wanna take a ride?
Clive: (buzzes) Now let's do that in English
Greg: Where's that famous pluck?
Clive: Is that ryming slang?
(Colin is teaching Ryan to parachute jump)
Ryan: (Opens plane door)
Colin: (moves hair with his hands)
Clive: (buzzes) What's that?
Colin: Hair. Blowing in the wind
Clive: I remember. Shakespeare
Ryan: The sky, the sky beyond the door is blue
Colin: Aye, it is blue (pauses for a few seconds)
Clive: (buzzes)(speaks while laughing) That was the worst Shakespeare I have ever heard!!

(Tony is being put in prison and Paul is the jailer)
Clive: Horror.
Tony: What a horrible suit!
Paul: That's good from someone who's dressed up like Doc Holiday
Clive: This is just lapsing into personal abuse.
Paul: You shut your face!
Clive: Film Noir.
Paul: Listen Norris (Tony looks at audience and mouths "Norris?!") Yes, Norris, that's your name. Bert Norris! Listen, you're never going to get out of prison. I'm going to turn the light off, look.
Tony: (mimes smoking a cigarette) Yes, it's interesting how the...
Paul: Hello, where's the cigerette come from? What's all this? (mimes cigarette) Excuse me while I get on my moped!
Clive: I think it's been a long time since you've been on this show Paul. Doctor Who
Paul: Alright then (Tony moves to left of stage and Paul follows) Oh, looks, it's Doctor Who
Tony: Have you noticed that this cell is bigger inside than on the outside?
Paul: Yeah, but you can say the samne thing about my underpants

(Greg is a gremlin, while Colin is the owner and forgot about keeping Greg away from water)
Clive: Do something Scottish, like Braveheart
Greg: (in Scottish accent) Well, you can dry me out, but you'll ne'er take away me freedom! I'm a Scottish gremlin, so don't expect me to buy the drinks
Colin: (also in Scottish accent) Och! Dinnae gimmie that rubbish! Ya wee baranie ochie nochie fochie
Greg: Did you call me a wee baranie ochie nochie fochie
Colin: Aye, and I can say ooch, och, ach
Clive: Okay, good shirt for this, but the accent isn't very convincing. Australian Soap
Greg: (in Australian accent) You've got gob over me, mate
Colin: (Still in Scottish accent) Och aye, I did
Greg: Now you got gob all over yourself
Colin: Och, I hate being doon under
Greg: Dad, I can not... (starts laughing)
Colin: We got ti stop you from being a gremlin, och, och, aye
Clive: Why have the scots invaded Australia?

Film Trailer

He Invaded My Chip Shop

(dramatic trailer music begins)
Greg: From the makers of "He Stole My Doner Kebab", it's "He Invaded My Chip Shop!" She was a girl working in a chip shop. He was a man with chips on his mind.
Mike & Ryan: (enter)
Mike: I'm hungry! Hungry, d'ya hear? Hungry and lots of salt!
Ryan: You're not enough of a man to handle my chips!
Greg: But then the night came, when a small dark stranger entered the chip shop and changed their lives forever!
Tony: (enters on his knees)
Tony: (camp voice) Hello!
Mike: Say buddy, you have to be above this line to eat here! (Tony's eye line is to Mike's trouser zip!)
Greg: Thrilling romance!
Mike: (hides Tony's face in his jacket bottom)
Greg: Terrifying chase scenes!
Mike, Ryan & Tony: (mimic running around in panic)
Greg: Disgusting battered chips!
Ryan: (cries as he batters the chips - literally!)
Mike: (cries) Stop it!
Tony: (sticks tongue out in disgust)
Greg: Starring Cheese Crevace as Doug the Stranger!
Tony: (steps forward)
Greg: Karl Winkley as Otto - he had a lot on his mind!
Mike: (steps forward with a moody face)
Greg: And Beverley Chest as Gwendoline, and introducing her breasts!
Ryan: (steps forward, Tony mimics Ryan's breasts)
Greg: "He Invaded My Chip Shop", coming to a theatre near you. No-one will be seated during the last fifteen pork rolls!

Revenge of the Sheep Shearer

Clive: Can somebody suggest an imaginary film title?
Audience member: Sheep cutting.
Clive: What?
Audience Member: Sheep shearing
Clive: You changed that, didn't you, as I was turning around. Alright, the revenge of the sheep shearer. Make it the revenge of the sheep shearer.
Greg: That's not what he said!
Clive: I know, but I'm turning it into a film title. Don't quibble.
Greg: I shan't quibble Mr Anderson. Pray, let us move on. Comedy awaits!
Clive: It's been awaiting for some time, Greg!
Greg: Revenge of the sheep shearer then.
Clive: Yeah, if that's not too much trouble.
(trailer music begins)
Greg: From the people who brought you "Sheep Cutting" it's "Revenge of the Sheep Shearer", a movie which takes place in the heart of the Basque country. She was a young girl with loving on her mind.
Tony: (enters)
Greg: He was a vicious bass warrior who bit the testicles off sheep.
Ryan: (enters)
Tony: No, what fresh hell is this?! (Tony and Ryan exits)
Greg: He was a facistic Spanish colonel who would get his way no matter what.
Colin: (enters) I want my way!
Greg: See the thrilling chase through the mountains with Daisy the Wonder Sheep! Thrill to the flight for freedom as there's a punchout using payaya!
Tony: (throwing food at Ryan) Take some prawns!
Greg: See the facistic colonel beat Daisy and everone else within his reach with a birch rod!
Tony: Aarrrggh!
Colin: I told you, I'm very dangerous!
Greg: Starring Deep Sleazely as the facistic Spanish colonel.
Ryan: (enters)
Greg: Hear him say:
Ryan: I love the Dutch!
Greg: Carl Nibbley as Veronica.
Tony: (enters)
Greg: Hear her heave fretfully:
Tony: I've split my pants, look! (Ryan is trying not to laugh)
Greg: And introducing Dalia Anderson as Daisy the Wonder Sheep.
Colin: (enters) Now the sheep's hit the fan!
Greg: It's "Revenge of the Sheep Shearer". No-one will be seated during the last three mutton. Coming to a theatre near you.
Clive: Okay, well done... well, um... um... Tony, you deliberately split your trousers there...
Tony: I did not!
Clive: ... to get some cheap, in order to get some cheap laughs.
Tony: I didn't!
Clive: And you get double points for that, well done. Now, we do a game called 'Moving People', this is... Colin and Ryan are going to be doing this... leave yourself alone, Tony! Time enough for that later! Now, they've got to act out a scene but they can't move on their own, they have to be put into position by... what's happening?
(Colin & Ryan walk down for Moving People, Tony continues fiddling with himself, Richard and Greg check out Tony's trousers)
Greg: Oh, shit!
(Ryan runs in a camp way)
Greg: I can't describe what I just saw!

Jelly Wars

Greg: Are we into a jelly like Jell-o situation or a jelly like jam...?
Clive: It's up to you really, I mean, just go crazy, you know. Use the word "jelly" in any...
Greg: This is the nuttiest game there could ever be, Mr. A!
Clive: Could you not give a two-syllable word? It's confusing our American friends! Star Wars would have been fine. Jelly Wars, Jelly Wars, away you go.
Greg: Away we go!
(Science-fiction music begins)
Greg: From the people who brought you Jello Wars and the people who brought you Orange Marmalade Wars, it's Jelly Wars! See the incredible evil emperor!
Tony: (enters)
Greg: Death-defying battles between him and the scion of good, Luke Nipnamber.
Ryan: (enters. Ryan and Tony flick jelly at each other)
Greg: A gigantic floating vessel is built, and the rebels must destroy it!
Mike: (flies in. Tony and Ryan flick jelly and buns at Mike)
Greg: Using their only weapon - delicious desserts! (Mike flies away but explodes on exit)
Tony: Take this cream bombe! (Shoves into Ryan's face)
Greg: Delicious romance between Luke and Princess Yinyan!
Mike: (re-enters) Go ahead! Bite off the snails! Bite off the snails! (Ryan does so) Yes!
Greg: It's Jelly Wars, where good meets evil against the forces of whipped cream! Starring Snag Wagley as the evil emperor. Hear him quip:
Tony: (steps forward) (camp accent) Ooh, get 'er!
Greg: Podge Weebley as the flying fortress:
Mike: (steps forward) This damn thing'll never get off the ground! Get my butt-thrusters in action!
Greg: And introducing that new hero of the screen, Harrison Snoard as Luke Nipnamber.
Ryan: (steps forward) I wish I had a condom!
Greg: It's Jelly Wars: Spread It Over The Chest Of Evil coming to a theatre near you. No-one will be seated during the last fifteen confusing scenes!
Mike: (flies towards the camera until he completely covers the screen)

Helping Hands

(Tony is at Ryan's Barbecue with hands provided by Colin)
Ryan: How about a few impressions?
Tony: Alright then
Ryan: pickles! Pickles! (picks up pickle jar and struggles to open it) Can you open this for me?
Tony: No
Ryan: (under breath) Bastard!

Daytime Talk Show

Washing Up

Josie: When did this fear of washing up liquid start?
Stephen: I think it was when persil suddenly went into the market and started bringing out a lemon one... and I don't know why, I used to make things dirty just so I can wash them up. I find myself (cries). I'm sorry
Josie: (places hand on Stephen's knee) Fred
Colin: Yes?
Josie: C'mon. Now, it's very, very brave of you to be able to...
Stephen: Can you take your hand off me fucking knee?
Josie: Sorry. As you can tell, the emotions... really hot in here. (to Colin) Fred. You had some terrible... because of... W.U.L
Colin: I was at Niagra Falls... on my honeymoon... my wife and I had a novelty act... where we would tie many dished and pots and pans to our bodies... and go over the falls
Stephen: (to Colin) We've all been there, love.
Colin: My wife didn't have her protective helmet on. She was dashed to the rocks below! (acts upset) Every dish broken! I have not worked since then! I am constantly being put on pills to relax me! They're not working!!
Josie: Fred, Fred! Look at me.
Colin: (eyes shut) I am!
Josie: Did you get the dishes back together
Colin: Yes, but my wife can't be glued back together again!
Josie: Now, John.
Ryan: Yeah?
Josie: C'mon, be brave
Ryan: I am brave
Josie: You can't begin to tell the horror you had with washing up liquid. You're on this programme today, John, and I want you to try.
Ryan: It's ruined my life! My wife has left me!
Colin: Did you tell her boyfriend?
Ryan: Shut... up! She took the dishes away, brought in paper plates, I washed those, she took away my sponge, I used the cat, I took off layer after layer of skin! I used to weigh over 420 pounds! (cries) When will it end? (mimes washing dishes, other three tries to stop)
Josie: Stop it!
Colin: The Government needs to step in and start washing up programs.
Ryan: (mimes washing with the cat) Meow, meow, meow!
Stephen: We're all like you, we're all fucking washed up!

Jack and the Beanstalk

Ryan: (to Colin) I can't give you your cow back... if you know what I mean
Patrick: On more question... (points to Wayne) You!
Wayne: Yeah, I'm on the sanitation crew, we're responsible for cleaning up the giant's carcass... it's taking a long time, that's a big man
Ryan: Why don't you take care of it? Just take care of it
Wayne: Because I am doing it
Ryan: Just do it
Wayne: Shut up, you lanky bastard! I will kill you!

Stand, Sit, Lie/Bend

Ryan: ...and that's why the French don't wash

Colin: I thought you were meant to file your nails
Brad: I did, I filed them under "F"

Courtroom Scene

A Crime of Passion

Stephen (the prosecutor): Thank you, m'lud. A crime of passion is the worst crime to commit.. involving.. passion.
Jim (the judge): Oh well put, sir. Well put.
Stephen: There, I rest my case. No, I would like to call my first witness, who was a witness to the murder on the 4th of the 9th of January. (Tony enters in a flying helmet with goggles)
Stephen: Could you state your full name and occupation.
Tony: My name is Princess Margaret! (gives Stephen the "two finger salute")
Stephen: And what do you do?
Tony: I'm very soon in line for the throne, and can I have a drink?
Stephen: No, I'm sorry we cannot oblige you at this time, Princess Margaret. (bows) Could you tell... (Tony headbutts Stephen, who falls to the floor)
Jim: Oh, excellently put I felt! Who's your next witness? Move this thing along, I've got a very important lunch.
Stephen: M'lud, this next witness I think will crack this case wide open. (Steve enters wearing a child's hat)
Stephen: Now this bor, poor boy here, has no parents, as they both murdered each other in a lover's argument. Could you explain what it was about, Little Billy?
Steve: It was all about you. It was about you coming inbetween them, the way you did.
Stephen: (Pauses) Well, it was one of those nights!
Steve: I think you've been drinking! I smell drunk man's drink on your breath!
Stephen: I, I suggest you withdraw that!
Steve: Alright... (makes rewinding sound, Stephen goes and gets into intelligble discussion with Jim. Tony enters in a Robin Hood hat and slaps his thigh)
Stephen: M'lud, this is my star witness, the late... Freddie Johnson.
Tony: Oh no he isn't!
Audience: Oh yes he is!
Tony: Oh yes he is! I'm just fresh from panto! Whaddaya wanna know? Look at that! (hits Stephen and does a silly dance)
Jim: Oh yes, an excellent witness! Ask him to do the pussy joke, would you?
Stephen: I'm afraid not, m'lud. Could you raise...
Tony: No, I want to do the pussy joke!
Stephen: No, you can't do the pussy joke!
Tony: All right!
Stephen: Raise your right hand. (Tony does) Now your left hand. (Tony does, again) Ha-haa! (Stephen tickles under Tony's arms)
Jim: Very good, I've heard more than enough, you've outlined your case very well.
Stephen: Thank you, m'lud.
Jim: I have no choice but to find the person guilty because they're obviously not a mason.
Clive: Well, we started and ended on a satirical note, the rest was pure... farce, but there we are. I've got some points to award, but I'll do that later.

Stolen Lego Bricks

Jim: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, we shall now hear the prosecution
Paul: I will prove to you mi'lord that some Lego Bricks have been stolen by a person or persons unknown
Jim: whoopie-doopie, I can bearly wait, lead on
Paul: I would like to call my first witness "Boppo the Clown"
Jim: Boppo the Clown??!!
Tony: (in small pink hat) (does weird dance)
Paul: No further questions, mi'lord
Jim: Your next witness is...?
Paul: I would like to call the Roman em-em-emporer, who had a stutter, which is why I stuttered there, to make him feel at home. I would like to call I Claudious
Jim: Spendid
Steve: (wearing Roman reef)
Paul: Is your first name "I"?
Steve: y-y-y-y-y-y-yes
Paul: Whose bloody fingerprints were they on the mantlepiece?
Steve: Sissy Fairfax
Paul: (to Jim) Sissy Fairfax. No further question mi'lord
Jim: Objection!!
Paul: Objection? What is this objection, mi'lord?
Jim: No idea. Carry on
Paul: I would like to call a surprise witness, Ms. Sissy Fairfax herself.
Jim: You didn't tell me!
Paul: Yes, I know, it's a surprise witness. I surprised myself
Tony: (in pointy hat) I'm here
Paul: Sissy Fairfax, are you not eligible for a Government grant?
Tony: Yes, I am, you left your underpants in the kitchen
Paul: (to Jim) I would like to take this witness home and roger him
Jim: Very well, case dismissed

Stolen Chicken Case

Colin: (bangs gavel on Stephen's hand) Sorry. Order in the court! Order in the court!
Stephen: Objection. That bleedin' hurt.
Colin: Overruled. Call your first witness please.
Stephen: Certainly your honour. I'm about to tie up the loose ends of this ridiculous chicken stealing case. (Tony enters in furry hat, covering his eyes)
Stephen: Will you please raise your right hand. (Tony raises his left hand) Put it down, that stinks. Now, give me your name please.
Tony: I am the dowager Duchess of Verona.
Stephen: Ha HA!...
Colin: (bangs gavel) Sustained!
Stephen: And where were you on the 29th of the 5th of the 7th of the 4th of the ... I can't remember the date but it all ends in 72.
Tony: I was inserting myself in this badger. I'm afraid I won't be a terribly useful witness as I saw nothing.
Colin: I'm sorry, this witness is immaterial. Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. (Ryan enters in army officer's cap)
Stephen: Now, your full name and rank please Lieutenant. Whoops, gave it away. Never mind.
Ryan: Lieutenant Jack, the frozen chicken king. I raise chickens, I kill 'em, I freeze 'em and eat 'em.
Stephen: So this man would have every motivation to steal the chicken!
Ryan: Not really. I own the farm.
Stephen: No further questions your honour. I made a complete prat of meself with that one.
Colin: You better come up with something more sustaining... I'm tired, go ahead.
Stephen: Will you please state your full name.
Tony: (enters in brown hat) 'Ello. 'Arry the 'at, 'Arry the 'at, end of the pier comedian, joke for every occasion. 'Ere we go, why did the chicken die? Who knows?
Stephen: That is what we are here to find out.
Tony: Look over there! (kicks Stephen as he looks away)
Stephen: Molesting the prosecutor your honour.
Colin: Objection!... Sustained!... This Courtroom is a Mochrie! (constatly bangs gavel) I want my next witness!!! (end of gavel breaks off)
Stephen: I'm sorry your honour.... Where's the end of your gavel?
Colin: It's immaterial.

Scene with a prop

Tony: (holding a sign) Can you read that?
Paul: Yes I can
Tony: What does it say then?
Paul: "Stop, children"
Tony: Well...?
Paul: I'm 34


Series 2

Mike McShane:
The best thing about my royal-tee
I gotta think of a guy named Edward Three?
He was the king for a little while
He had lots of grace, he had lots of style
Now don't get me wrong and don't shoot me dead
I think he got friends with... oh fuck that!

Clive: Can I ask you, sir, can you think of a country where this story could be set?
Audience Member: Um... Norfolk
Clive: Norfolk? You're...
Audience Member: It's in England
Clive: I know it's in England, you're from the Norfolk Nationalist Party are you?

John Sessions:
Pin stripe... ripe... right
Nope, I can't do it. Can't do it

(introducing Whose Line)
Clive: Hello, and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? and... this... toni... ergh!

(Remote Control)
Paul: A zebra from Windsor Safari Park makes an interesting point. He said "In the IRA coverage recently he... (starts to laugh) Oh, fuck it, never mind!

Series 3 (London)

Clive: (to audience) Which letter of the alphabet would you like to start off with?
Josie: (mouths) Oh no
Clive: Q? A real cruel one to start with. So you start with Q. You've got to get all the way round to P... and the situation you've got to improvise is - one is talking the other one into taking a parachute jump
Josie: Do we start with Q?
Clive: Start with Q and end with P at the end
Sandi: She's been practising from A, though
Josie: I have, I didn't realise you were...
Clive: Yes, well, it give some sort of innovation
Josie: ...sorry, I forgot...
Sandi: Parachute. (starts) Queen's Regiment, their going to take us up in their plane
Josie: (laughs) I'm sorry... can we start again?
Clive: In your own time, Josie
Sandi: It's only one letter

Paul: Ms. Marple entered the room. She said "If if not mistaken, the Colonel was killed with this omnibus edition of the Guardian Crossword Dictionary." "That's amazing Ms. Marple, how can you tell?" She said, "I can tell, simple by looking at him, he is a man... who..." Oh for fuck sake! Sorry, I got really bored with that. I'll start again...

Clive: I'll give you a hand, it's R next...
Josie: (goes through the alphabet until R, then goes to S!)

Clive: You bring out the worst in people, you go on your knees...
Sandi: What do you mean, I bring out the worst in people?
Clive: ...or have you been on your knees all evening? (audience boos)
Sandi: (marches over to Clive's desk) Sorry, I didn't hear that, BALDY!! (audience cheers)
Clive: Well there it is. It's probably because your ears are close to the ground.
Paul: Are you bald, or is you neck blowing bubble gum? (Mike shakes Paul's hand)
Clive: I'm not bald, I'm just taller than my hair!

Clive: Starting with the letter Q...
Josie: What are we doing? Parachute jumping?
Sandi: Yes, dear
Clive: Start with Q... away you go
Sandi: Quantum mathematically speaking, it is completely safe
Josie: Right, I read that somewhere
Sandi: So, shall we go?
Josie: Urgh!! (Sandi makes T with her hands) Shit!!

Josie: Have you given up all your bad habbits dear?
Tony: (while looking at Mike) No. He still picks his bum.
Mike: DAMN YOU. And I haven't stopped kissing men on the lips! (grabs Tony and gives him a huge kiss)

Clive Anderson Quotes

"Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?...."

  • ...or if you've been watching repeats, a brand-old edition of Whose Line.
  • ...If you haven't seen the show, this is the greatest show on TV. If you have seen this show, you'll know I always start the show with a very big lie.
  • ...the show which has been compared to Titanic. No, I'm not talking about the movie, the sinking ship
  • ...another amazing, funny, brilliant... no wait, it's Whose Line is it Anyway?
  • ...we are going to show you the pilot episode. Most of the elements present in the final show are present in this experimental version; though you will notice, I hope, that I'm not introducing it at all; it's introduced by my identical twin brother who's looking very, very, uncomfortable
  • ...where everything is made up as we go along, whether they make sense or badger.
  • ...the show where "rehearsed" is a dirty word, and dirty words are over-rehearsed.
  • ...the show which does for comedy...
  • ...the show which makes Neighbours look over-rehearsed
  • ...the show that's funnier than a speech by John Major. Or, if you are in America, a speech by that chap who took over from Margaret Thatcher.
  • ...the improvisation show that makes Reservoir Dogs look like 101 Dalmations and Silence of the Lamb look like an advert for pure virgin wool
  • ...the improv show that keeps the performers on thier toes, the audience at the edge of their seats and me at the end of my tether.
  • ...the improv show that makes comedy out of nothing. Or is it nothing out of comedy?
  • ...if you haven't seen this show before, then this is the first time you've seen it.
  • ...the programme which puts the performers on the spot, puts the audience in command and keeps me in a job. Well, just about
  • ...the show which makes Melrose Place look over-rehearsed
  • ...the improvisation program which offers more excitement than a rainy day at the test match, or a whole series of games of baseball.
  • Hollywood, yes, we've come to the town of megabucks and megabudgets to do our usual economy priced programme
  • ...tonight, we've got the A-team, the best we can put together. No, wait, I read that wrong. We've got a team, the best we can put together

Post Games

  • (after a rude game) I have to give the most amount of points to that game. 69.
  • (after Stand, Sit, Lie) That's always my favourite game, although, it's not much fun on your own.
  • The scores are level. All different scores, but all levelly written out on the score sheet
  • (after Sex Hoedown) If we are still on the air, I think it's time to stop...
  • You gained 2 points out of 3 for that, Greg, two gained and three deducted
  • That's the best game we've ever played this week, shame it isn't a scoring round
  • It's always good to end a game on a laugh, but you can't always get what you want
  • The scores are so exciting, I can just be bothered telling you what they are
  • The scores are very exciting, but then, I have no life
  • The scores are really hotting up, if only in my armpits
  • What's the score for that round? Who cares.
  • I found scoring that round confusing, so I split it into four columns, hoping it will help
  • (in 1995) I'm a bit behind on my scoring, as I have just scored series 1
  • 10 points to Colin and a contract to the Royal Shakespere Theatre to Ryan (Ryan: The sky is blue)
  • The scores are neck and neck, which rules me out
  • 169 points. I have never scores in that number, but there it is.
  • The scoring is very interesting. In fact, I think I'll stop and look at them, they are so interesting
  • The scores are very exciting, of course, I'm lying.
  • The scores are even Steven. No, even Stephen is winning
  • The scores are dead level, apart from the one that's just gone into the lead
  • Ryan and Greg has went into a shock, third place
  • I have just given alot of points in that round, but to who? Who knows?
  • Ryan has went into a one point lead. I don't think the other's are going to catch him
  • Well, that's changed the scores. Oh, wait, I've got the score sheet upside down
  • (introducing Scenes from a Hat) Lots, of points in this round. Remember, the more we get through, the more we will have done
  • There are lots of points in this round, as if you cared
  • Lots of points... um... over there
  • Quite alot of points in this round, so... so there
  • ...and they said that game wouldn't work. And it didn't
  • I don't know how to score that game. Mostly because I was asleep

Welcome back...

  • ...that was the best set of ads we've ever had!
  • ...or if you've just joined us, Where have you been?
  • part two, with the exciting news that we've done part one
  • ...wtih thunderous cheers and that was just for the ads
  • ...I've just been working out how much money Tony made during those adverts
  • ...what a fantastic audience we had last week!

Clive vs Greg

Clive: (picking a crisis for Superheroes) Perishing Elastic
Greg: What was that?
Clive: Perishing Elastic... elastic is a substance we have over here that stretches. It perishes, things fall down, things go wrong.
Greg: When's it gonna stop, huh? The aggression?
Clive: When you give us our colonies back... So, you're Mr Muscle/Mr Zimmer Man and the problem is perishing elastic.
Greg: We call Zimmerframes "Walkers", for our American friends.
Clive: Oh, do you? They're crisps over here and you're just one letter away from what we call you.
Greg: (starts)(sounds old) Well, I better... (mimes breaking zimmer) I am so powerful, I knew I was gonna break this zimmerframe. I'll throw it towards the prat with the bald head.

Clive: (Starting Superheroes) What superheroes should Greg be?
Audience Member #1: Useless Man
Clive: Useless Man?
Audience Member #2: Caterpillar Man
Clive: Caterpillar Man... That kind of, gives him more to play with. Useless is... kind of what he is. I didn't mean that. Caterpillar Man is very good. What is the problem...?
Audience Member #3: Pants are too small
Clive: Pants are too small? We've done that haven't we?
Greg: If we have, I sure it was fraught with hilarity
Clive: Well, with that challenge, let's go ahead... pants are too small... You're Captain Caterpillar
Greg: Captain Caterpillar?
Clive: You can bring elements of Useless Man, if you want
Greg: I'll be Captain Caterpillar, and you just sit there and be Useless Man like usual... is it about time to make some kind of inappropriate American reference here?
Clive: Not yet, you do the show... Yank
Greg: I can take a few hits...
Clive: Get on with it, Greg!!!

Clive: (starting Party Quirks) Is the party ready, Greg?
Greg: Yes, it's a come-as-Colin-doing-a-dinosaur-impression (does Colin's dinosaur impression)
Clive: Colin is good at dinosaurs. Better than, say, you?
Greg: You know, I could sit in that chair and smart-off and you can get your butt up here and work.
Clive: Well, you get a better agent. (rings the bell)
Greg: (mimes holding the 'door' closed) Oh, I can hold this door closed for as long as you have quips...
Clive: What are you...?
Greg: ...but I won't.
Clive: What are you hoping to do? Wear my finger out? (stops ringing bell, sticks middle finger up) I've had long years of practice with that finger!

Clive: (introducing Sports Commentators) You have sport in America, right?
Greg: Yeah, and sometimes we beat the Germans (gets booed at by the audience). That's because we never play them.
Clive: You do in the war... when you join in (gets cheered by audience). I don't think the Germans play Baseball.
Greg: I'd like to chat, but I'm a little busy doing an improv show.
Clive: Have you worked out what the simple words mean yet?
Greg: (laughs) Yes, I have Mr. A.
Clive: Jolly good.
Greg: Maybe you're confusing this with your other show, where you just talk, talk, talk and never let anyone else speak.

Clive: What superhero is Greg? (audience member shouts out "Jelly Man").
Greg: You got a different jelly over here.
Clive: Well, what do you call it?
Greg: We call it jell-o.
Clive: Oh right, so when I say "Jelly" I mean "Jello" in America.
Greg: (Starts laughing) and whenever I say "naff git" that means "Clive Anderson".

Clive: What country should this report be set in? (audience member shouts out Nicaragua). So Nicaragua it is.
Greg: As we say in the States, Nickera-gwa.
Clive: Nickera-gwa?
Greg: We don't pronouce every single letter. Like your name is Cliv.
Clive: And yours is "Wally" over here.
Greg: He shoots, he scores!

Clive: [Perform a hoedown] In the style of someone's hobby.
Audience Members: (Making cheese, masturbation and various others)
Clive: Making cheese. There was a cry of "masturbation" but I think you're on your own on that. I don't know about it myself, let's do the making cheese hoedown.
Greg: You got it, Clive.
Clive: You sing it, Greg.
Greg: Stand-by, fresh funk-meister.
Clive: Get on with it, before my funk gets stale. (for the hoedown, see above)

Clive: You're Junk Man. Ok? We want a crisis that he's gonna, some crisis facing the world, or some problem he's gotta solve.
Audience Member: English television! [crowd boos]
Clive: Oh, dear! [Greg points and laughs at Clive] So, Junk...Junk Man has gotta solve English television's problem... [crowd cheers] ...though it's thoughtfully obvious that Junk Man would just turn it into American television, but there we go - [crowd boos Clive] - oh, that's gonna get the crowd on my side, isn't it?
Greg: Bad call, homeslice!

During a Film and Theatre styles with Stephen Frost
Greg: This is not a Swedish porn film!
Clive: [Clive presses buzzer] Swedish porn film.

Clive Vs Paul

Clive: (during Film and Theatre Styles) You were supposed to be in a bar
Paul: I'm trying, but you keep on buzzing. Slaphead.
Clive: (looks at camera) I'm sorry to announce the untimely death of Paul Merton, by my hands
Paul: I lasted longer than your hair did, though

Clive Vs Mike

Clive: What object should Mike sing about?
Audience Member: Hose Pipe!
Clive: Okay, singing about a hose pipe.
Mike: Meaning...?
Clive: Oh, you don't have those in America?
Josie: A garden hose.
Clive: Yes. Elvis had a small one didn't he?
Mike: It's not the size of the hose that counts, its the amount of water you can get through it.

(See Song Styles & Duet above)
Clive: Early rock & roll, an old boiler.
Mike: Early rock and roll? What? Before this (raises his hand to his forehead) point in your hairline, or this part...? It's sorta like a sequoia, we can, like, chart, you know...
Clive: That's right, just when it caught up with yours, Mike!

American version

Brad Sherwood


I am losing my hair, and it really is a pain
I found out every morning when I see the shower drain
But as you can see, it isn't quite for me
But at least I'm not quite as bald as Colin Mochrie.

One day I was frisky, I went for a drive
I took all my handguns and shot myself alive, I... [Cracks up and falls to the floor]

Every family reunion, it's such an awful night
It's my whole family getting in a fight.
Then, later on, they try to do a dance,
But it's not family reunion until my uncle drops his pants!

Scenes from a Hat

Drew: Famous last words.
Brad: (leading Wayne) Right this way, Miss Lewinsky.
Drew: Least likely person to wind up on a stamp.
Brad: (leading Wayne) Right this way, Miss Lewinsky.

Drew: Nightly bedside prayers of Whose Line cast members.
Wayne: Lord, please don't let the Mr. Drew Carey into my window tonight.
Brad: Lord, please make Ryan stop wearing clown shoes.
Wayne: [right after Brad] Lord, please give me ring-side tickets when Ryan kick Brad's ass.

Drew: What models say to each other passing on the runway.
Brad: [He and Ryan walk past each other] Did you see Brad Sherwood on Whose Line? He's so cute!
Colin: I'm lost! I'm lost! I don't know where I'm going!

Drew: Rejected endings for the movie, Titanic.
Brad: I'm king of the squirrels!

Drew: Celebrity endorsements doomed to fail.
Brad: I'm Bette Davies for "Anti-Aging Cream".[pretends to smear himself]

Drew: The good news and the bad news.
Brad: [with Wayne] The good news is that we're going to name a disease after you.
[Brad turns and leaves while Wayne just realized it's a bad news after Brad left]

Drew: Bad things to say over the flight attendance system.
Brad: Did you see the jugs on the girl in row four?
Drew: [after Brad] Bad beginnings for poems.
Brad: Did you see the jugs on the girl in row four?
Drew: People you don't wanna see at a nudist colony.

Drew: Words that sound dirty but aren't.
Brad: Yeah, I'll have the uh futtbukker.

Drew: Refreshingly honest statements that'll get you a black eye
Brad: [pulling Ryan to the stage with him] Ryan, did anyone anyone tell you that you look like Doogie Howser? [Ryan pretends to punch Brad in the eye]
Brad: [pulls Ryan to the stage again] I want you to punch me hard in the eye! [Ryan pretends to punch Brad's crotch]

Drew: The secret double lives of "Whose Line" cast members.
Brad: I'm Colin Mochrie.
[hums striptease music and pretends to strip. Colin comes out and "sits down" to watch]
Colin: I'm Brad Sherwood!

Drew: Pickup lines of game show hosts.

Drew: Statements if the first man on the moon was a celebrity
Brad: This is one step for man, one giant step for me! Brad Sherwood!
Drew: I said celebrities!
Brad: Oh! [pauses]. [Speaks in a kid-like fashion] That was mean!


  • [as Tom Arnold] Ok, I'm awake, I'm awake, I'm awake. Uh, I can't remember if I'm still famous or not. Oh, am I famous? (fidgets around) Ah, I gotta do somethin' crazy, I gotta get arrested or marry another really famous fat girl, uh. Oh! My God, we're out of, ceramic, what am I gonna do, what am I gonna do? Well... I can break my giant photo of Rosanne up into pieces. No that won't work! Oh, if only I still did drugs, oh gosh! What am I gonna do, oh I'm sweating, maybe I'll have some more caffeine. (pretends to drink coffee)
  • [as Super Rabbi] (swatting "bugs" from arms) There are too many mosquitoes! I will not be able to watch "Torah, Torah, Torah" tonight.

Weird Newscasters

  • (Colin Mochrie as the anchor) Our top story today: after a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty has a great fall.
  • Now for our top story today: psychic convention canceled due to unforeseen circumstances.
  • Hello, and welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm Harry Hindquarters. In international news, the country of Palakalakawaka declared a state of war against the United States after a mutated sheep did something strange at the embassy.
  • Welcome to the 6 p.m. news. I'm Skip Shapley. Tonight's biggest story: Financial analysts have figured out a way how to take a second mortgage on your home so that you could afford a full tank of gas.
  • Hello and welcome to the 6 o'clock news, I'm Chesterfield Snapdragon McFisticuff. Our top story from the Middle East, Benjamin Netanyahu today changed his name to Benjamin Netan-YAHOO! ... Well, that's all the time we have on the 6 o'clock news, I'm Chesterfield Snapdragon Mc... Fisticuffs.
  • I feel like the meat in an incompetent sandwich.
  • (Wayne as Carlos Nicepackage who's talking on a PA system in a big stadium has just finished.) Thank you, Carlos. I echo that sentiment.

Chip Esten


Once I got a blind date, I really liked her smile,
He was very tall though, his name was Ryan Stiles,
I will run up through it, that date was pretty rough,
Sure it was a blind date but I wasn't blind enough.

Well I know Colin's mother - yes, I must tell the truth
When she was nursing Colin, her milk was 90 proof
She wanted to kick the habit, she didn't know what to do
But if your baby looked like that [points to Colin] then you'd be drinking too
(Colin reacts by pretending to scribble down a note)

I hate the Backstreet Boys, I think they really stink
It isn't anything personal, they're just not N'Sync
This could be kind of weird, it might be a shock
But I still got a poster of the New Kids On The Block

I really was so ugly, I looked just like a scurgeon.
So I went to Hollywood and got myself a surgeon.
They tighted up my face for me, now here's the final crack,
They tightened me up so hard, my ears meet in the back.

(For this Hoedown, Chip replaces Colin in the lineup)
Oh Colin does remember all the time he spent
Wishing he was Superman, or at least Clark Kent
He waited all his life, he waited for that day
But just like Superman his hair was up, up and away!

[For this hoedown, Chip replaces Ryan as the last person to sing]
My wife caught me with a prostitute
She came into the room and she began to shoot
And then she went and yelled all around the town
I know there's more prostitutes; I guess that's one hoe down.

Scenes from a Hat

Drew: World's dumbest criminal being caught in the act
Chip: Alright this is a stick up. Does anybody have a gun I can use?

Drew: Slogan on t-shirt worn by George W. Bush
Chip: I won. Get over it.
Chip: The W stands for honesty.

Drew: Unlikely ways to start a sermon.

Drew: Giving your date's parents too much information.
Wayne: Don't worry Mr. Johnson, I'll have her back by 10. I'll be finished by then.
Chip: Don't worry Mrs. Johnson, I'll have her back by 10. That's when the wife gets home.
Chip and Wayne Together: Don't worry Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, We'll have her home by 10.
Chip: Don't worry, Mrs. Johnson, I'll have Mr. Johnson home by 10.

Drew: Trivial reasons for news conferences.
Chip: I've asked you all here to announce this news conference.
Chip: (acting excited) Got a new podium!

Drew: Rejected "Jeopardy!" categories.
Chip: I'll take Things Nobody Knows for 1,000.

Colin Mochrie

Greatest Hits

  • You know, for as long as I can remember, I've had memories.
  • We'll be back to our nature documentary, "Baggy: The Anorexic Elephant", in just a second. (this causes Drew to laugh very loudly)
  • We will come back to the dyslexic production of "Bitty Bitty Chang-Chang" in just a moment.
  • We'll be right back to the politically correct program "The Good, the Bad, and the Beauty Impaired" in just a moment.
  • Every song a hit, and every hit a smack!
  • [Greatest Hits of the Bus Driver] When riding on the bus, or as our Canadians friends say, a "boos" ...
  • We'll be right back to our show, "Dora, the Dyslexic Ephelant," but first. . .
  • We'll be right back to our movie, "Crouching Tigger, Hidden Pooh", in just a moment.
  • We'll be right back to our documentary, "Crouching Tiger, Screaming Sigfried and Roy," in just a second.
  • If you call right now, we'll answer!
  • If you call right now, we'll send absolutely free...absolutely nothing!
  • We'll be right back to our documentary on "Schlomo, the Kosher penguin", right after this.
  • TAPIOOOOOOCA! (this resulted in Ryan laughing uncontrollably to himself for the majority of the rest of the game and to make light of it in his Show Stopping Number piece.)
  • As everyone knows, I have eight children; although only three of them are mine. [gives Ryan a dirty look, Ryan looks away sheepishly.]
  • Colin: From the time I was born to the time I was died, and then I was reincarnated and came back as this, bowling has been a big part of my life. Sure, it's not really a sport, but it's got great music attached to it!
Ryan: You're drinking coffee again, I...
Colin: Yes, I am!
  • That song won 14 Tonys and a Jeff!
  • Colin: You know, if you order right now, we'll send absolutely free a box of fresh air! That's right, air!
Ryan: Fresh air? We just can't give away free air!
Colin: Yes we can! From the makers of Breathe-Free: Makers of Air for Eternity!
  • [after a break-dancing number with Wayne]
Ryan: Is that that the only shirt you have?
Colin: [remains silent for a moment, then puts a finger up] Why don't you talk for a while?
  • If it was meat, it'd be hard to fit it into the machine!
  • …And if you call right now, it will still take 4 to 6 weeks to get it.
Colin: And if you call right now we-
Ryan: They can't call yet, the lines are busy.
[Colin freezes, mouth open.]
Ryan: Now they can call.
Colin: Now you can call. If you call right now, we will send free, the packaging it comes in.
[Ryan makes "oooh" face]
  • We'll be right back to our Fox presentation of "Alien Oddities" with E.T. the extra testicle after this.
Ryan: A long way to go for that one, huh?
Colin: It was. It was great. You could have used a motorcycle to go there and still have time to go see the Alps.
  • Every song a hit, and every hit goes on to your batting average.
  • We'll return you to the wrong emphasis theater presentation of "What's New, PUSSYCAT?" in just a moment
  • Hi, you were watching Animal Porn! [Drew promptly pushes the buzzer. The audience and cast crack up]
  • On this album, we have more hits than a porn website!


  • [holding a pumpkin] This is my friend Gourd. He's a great pumpkin. [The crowd does not respond very enthusiastically.] Ah, screw it.
  • [wearing an aviator's hat] Help! They're making me do "Hats." I wanna go home!
  • [wearing a birthday cake hat] Happy Birthday! Now blow me out!
  • [wearing a hat with a stick of dynamite on top] I promise you this is the only thing that will go off prematurely.
  • [wearing an alien mask] Care for a little probe?
  • [wearing a horse-riding helmet] Next to me, my horse feels inadequate.
  • [wearing a jawa hood] [speaks high pitched gibberish]
  • [wearing a chef hat] I'm as much fun to make as I am to eat.
  • [wearing a viking helmet with pigtails] Let me help you hit those high notes. [crowd laughter] Me-ow!
  • [wearing a horse hat] I'm really good at necking.
  • [after Greg who said 'I am your father'] [wearing a strange curly hat] I am your mother.
  • [wearing a conehead hat] [after high laughter] Just use your imagination.
  • [wearing a sailor hat] All hands on dick!


People always kid me 'cause I'm losing all my hair
I can't really help it that I'm follically impaired
It really is quite horrible, but my life is not through
I still get way more sex than either Brad or Drew

I went to the movie the other day, I put down all my money
I got into a fight with the usher, it wasn't funny
I hit him really hard, he wished he never wasn't born
And to get his revenge he peed in my popcorn

This Halloween I thought it would be fair
If I give all the kids one real big scare
It went way too far now I'm being sued
This is the last year I go as a nude

I'm an ugly woman, yes it is not fair
I have an ugly face and I have no hair
What can I do that's the way the fates went
The only person who'll sleep with me is the president

Every night my wife scares the life out of me
With her ugly hair and scars all you can see
Marrying someone that ugly really wasn't my plan
I accidentally married Dennis Rodman

I am a gameshow host, my life is a game you see
I fill it all with danger, I'm in jeopardy
It really is quite wonderful I do it all with my might
I hang out with prostitutes because the price is right

The other day I was at the movie, the kids were all loud
They're making noise and throwing stuffs, what an ugly crowd
I told them something and then they all cried
I ruined the movie, told them Bambi's mother died

I'm a big director, I keep egos in check
Stars rant and rave at me but I think what the heck
Nothing really scares me, I know no fear
Nothing's scared me since Ryan licked my ear

My mother drinks a lot, I know it isn't strange
But her behaviour gets really strange
She acts like she's from somewhere else, maybe like Venus
Oh, by the way, Chip has a little penis

I hate the Backstreet Boys, they bug me like no one else can
So I came up with a really cunning plan
I kidnapped them and then show them all how it hurts
I made them all wear a copy of my shirt

The other day I stole something, it really was a sin
It was a little revolver made of gelatin
It really was a bad idea, something I should have slept on
'Cause I was arrested for carrying a congealed weapon

Ellen is my wife, the other day she gave birth
It was the most beautiful thing on this God's Earth
When I saw her do it, I said, "Oh my God, dear Ellen!"
Looking from this angle, it looks like a straw passing a melon

I vacationed at the beach, I really had to frown
I was splashing in the water, and I started to drown
Water went into my lungs, I spluttered and I cough
Next thing I woke up having mouth-to-mouth with David Hasselhoff

Throughout my life I used to laugh like this, "Hee hee hee"
Not so since I've had some major surgery
It really went horrible, it realized all my fears
Because of that surgery, I now pee out my ears

The last time I went golfing, I got pretty drunk
When I hit the first tee, I really really stunk
I hit the ball really hard, the guy is barely alive
And so that just shows when you drink, don't drive.

100 episodes of Whose Line where there're names being called.
100 episodes of them (points to Ryan,Drew,and Wayne) saying that I'm bald
Does it hurt the friendship. Can it stand the test.
Yes it can cause I'm hung the best.

I took a pregnancy test. It really was a topper.
Because it took place upon a helicopter.
My girlfriend she wet the full term.
And all because a whirlybird got the sperm.

I went to the zoo with my lovely girl
We had lots of fun there we gave our love a whirl
Why we had such a really good time
This last line would be funny but Drew took my rhyme

I have won the lottery my riches I can flaunt
I don't care about anything, I can do whatever I want
(Goes to the audience, hugs a girl. Goes to Drew's desk, hugs Kathy. Fakes punching Wayne out. Hugs Drew.)

I am an astronaut, but I'd rather be fishin'
Because I've been up in space on a ten year mission
It really is so horrible, I'm really annoyed.
I've been sitting down so long, I got asteroids.

I went to a bachelor's party, I really had a ball
Boy, I consumed an awful lot of alcohol
In fact, it was really bad, in fact, it spelled my doom
Cause when I awoke, I found I married the groom

I'm in the middle of midterms, from my study room I do not stir
Everything's coming at me, there's too much pressure!
I CAN'T TAKE IT! (Crouching down in the fetal position) I CAN'T TAKE IT!

I saw a cop show, it really made me mad
It was so horrible, the writing, it was sad
The more I watched it, the more it was the pits
It had Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada, it was called "Fish and CHiPs"

I helped a friend move, he worked in the coal mines
Because of doctor's orders, he had to move to warmer climes
It really ended badly, I know I shouldn't whine
But I was arrested for transporting a minor/miner over the state line.

Hollywood Director

  • [pointing to Ryan's blue shoes] How many Smurfs did you have to step on to get those?
  • [holding his hand out chest high] If this was crap, you'd need a ladder to get this high.
  • [after a performance, in a single breath] That was so beyond crap that it would take a spaceship 15 years to get to a planet close enough to look through a telescope at the crap it was.
  • [after a performance] You know why the floor's so clean? It's because you all sucked!
  • [after a performance] I was just watching the playback. I've seen better film on my grandmother's eye.
  • [after a performance] I haven't seen that much crap since I directed that horse laxative commercial!
  • [after a performance] That stunk worse than a dead whale in a Limburger factory!
  • [after a performance] I think it was Pavorotti who said (in a high pitch tone) 'Craaaaap!' Alright!(the other members laughed and Colin realized it) Or maybe it was Colonel Klink...
  • [after a performance, Colin shakes his hand as if to roll a pair of dice] "Crap!"
  • [after a performance, after Ryan, as Dracula, thinks he's sounded like Carol Channing] No! No! Not at all! What you were doing is Count Crap-ula!
  • [after a performance] You know what? 'That was wonderful! You guys were great! That's a rap!' You see what I did? THAT is acting! What you did was crap!
  • [after a performance] I think it was Tennessee Williams who said 'Y'all are CRAP!'
  • [after a performance] (Points to Wayne, Ryan then Greg) Crap! Crap! Not too Bad!
  • [after a performance] I think it was Rogers and Hammerstein who said, "The Hills are alive with the sound of CRAP!"
  • [after a performance] I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "All the world's a stage and you are CRAP!"
  • [after a performance that was been improvised] Ohhhh! (Points to Wayne,Brad and Ryan) Crap! Crap! Alright! (Ryan's happy while Brad's not too happy about it)
  • I'm a great Director, I won a Nubby!
  • I got it! We need to do the scene backwards. NOITCA!
[after the scene is done backwards, Colin looks amused] I didn't think you'd actually do it! Man, actors are stupid!
  • [after another performance]
Colin: Well congratulations, you all been elected in the Hall of Fame at CRAPPER Town!
Wayne: (Happy about it) We made it!
Colin: Its Bad!
  • [after a performance]
Colin: I don't need to take this crap! I won a People's Choice Award! Look...
Brad: [pokes Colin, and then takes out and holds up "trophy"] I have one. [followed by Ryan who takes up two "trophies"]
Colin: Oh, I know! Everyone has one! Who doesn't have one?!
  • [after another performance]
Robin Williams: Can I take a moment?
Colin: Take it.
Robin: Done!
Colin: That's why I love working with you!
Wayne: What about me?
Colin: Shut up!
  • [after another performance, where Ryan mimes pulling down his pants]
Colin: Cut, cut, cut! I may have mislead you...[To Ryan] And never pull down your pants again! Although, thanks for reminding me, I need to get some chicken!
Ryan: You started it. Here we go.
  • [to Wayne]
Colin: You're this close to being replaced by ... Gary Coleman!

If You Know What I Mean

  • I'll help you fluff your Garfield, if you know what you mean...
  • Look what I can do with the donuts!
  • When I was in the Navy, I was surrounded by seamen, if you know what I mean.


  • Doo-doo-doo-doo! I HAVE NO HAIR!

Irish Drinking Song

  • Me-OW!
  • Sitting on my ash!
  • Oops! I pooed!
  • There's blood in my stool.
  • I'll rip out his heart.
  • He put my stone back in my end.
  • She took her thong off in any weather.
  • It looked like someone had beat her.
  • Joe had a nice bone.
  • My pants fall on the floor!
  • And we both will fart!
  • Be a host on TV!
  • You can make poo from food!
  • I peed my pants!
  • Ha ha ha hee hee!
  • She has gravel in her snot!


  • "I let him think for a while. Because I knew he had the answer; I knew it was a good answer and he was going to tell it to me. Because when you ask a question, you expect an answer because that's the way it works; question, answer, answer, question. If he gave the answer, I would have to come up with a question, and that would be Jeopardy! and that's wrong."
  • It all seemed too easy. Way too easy. That's when he did something totally unexpected. Something so crazy and wild it took me totally by surprise. Even though it was kind of funny, it still was really weird. [Ryan kisses him]
  • Cats don't steal bras...unless they're really smart!

News Conference

  • I have bruised my dynamic duo.
  • Let me tell you something about elephants. They ask for it!
  • Extra-wide pants. I believe that's a given.
  • This just in: We're all just people!
  • I say screw the public!
  • [When asked if he feels an affinity for the rubber and the cowl] Well, I think that's a given.

News Flash

  • I just can't take my eyes off of this!
  • [commenting on Richard Simmons]
Ryan Stiles: Why the sparkles?
Colin Mochrie: [thinks for a moment, then shrugs] Why not?
  • [unknown to Colin, the scene is a hoard of cockroaches from movie: Joe's Apartment]
Ryan Stiles: How do you think all this had started?
Colin Mochrie: There was a rumor that Kathy Lee was coming back!
Just try to keep your eyes on them as they try to revolt you but keep staring!
Ryan Stiles: What are you using to protect yourself at this time?
Colin Mochrie: Saran Wrap!
  • Ryan Stiles: What did you do to prepare yourself for this?
Colin Mochrie: I wore extra shorts!
  • [unknown to Colin, the scene is about himself]
Ryan Stiles: I have never seen anything like that in my entire life!
Colin Mochrie: Me neither! I've been looking at this for the last five hours! And I can't just take my eyes of it!
Chip Esten: It's a sad, sad sight indeed, Colin!
Colin Mochrie: It certainly is!
Chip Esten: How does it start?
Colin Mochrie: It all started with a badly timed bald joke!
[Eveyone laughed while Drew laughed more hysterically]
Chip Esten: Now, I've notice you're not wearing sunglasses to help you with that incredible shine!
[This is when Colin realize it's him and the camera shows Ryan and Chip laughing]
[later, after the buzzer, Colin is still angry while hitting the mic on his hand]
Drew Carey: It's the best one ever! Colin, what's behind you?
Colin Mochrie: I hope it's me with my clothes ON.
Drew Carey: Yes! It is!
[After the game]
Drew Carey: I can't wait four months from now for you to watch it! I hope you'll be drunk in a bar somewhere and look up and,'Hey it's me! Ugh!' (pretends to puke)
Colin Mochrie: When it ever end?!
Drew Carey: Awww, man! That was hilarious!
Colin Mochrie: (realized something and laughed) I've said the bald joke thing too.
Ryan Stiles: You did!
Drew Carey: It's like calling you Captain Hair!
  • [The screen is showing bomb explosions]
Ryan Stiles: Colin, when you left the studio, you had hair!
[Colin stays silent for a short moment as everyone else laughs but a few seconds later there's a "Aww.." sound]
Colin Mochrie: Yeah, and what do you mean by that, stick boy?!
  • [The scene is a group of Santa Clauses]
Colin Mochrie: Well, as far as I can tell, it all started with a price check. And then I don't know how it escalated to this, but I haven't seen such action since my wedding night.
Denny Siegel: Colin, there's some concern that some children are watching and this could be scarring. Do you have any advice?
Colin Mochrie: Well, we all have to grow up sometime.
  • [The scene is a beach party]
Ryan Stiles: Colin, do you have any idea how this whole thing started?
Colin Mochrie: Well, it all started at a revival of "The King and I" starring Jerry Springer. From then, it just spilled onto the streets, and chaos, chaos, chaos!
Ryan Stiles: Colin, I understand there's a twist to this story.
Colin Mochrie: Yes, there is.
Ryan Stiles: Now what would that be?
Colin Mochrie: Wanna know what it is?
Ryan Stiles: Yes.
Colin Mochrie: Well, of course, all these people are from the Senate.
Ryan Stiles: Really?
Colin Mochrie: That's the twist.
  • [The scene is a group of monkeys]
Brad Sherwood: Looks like more fun than a barrel, eh, Col?
Colin Mochrie: It's amazing, and you know what? They also do a show every Thursday night. It's amazing to watch, and the drinks are free.
  • [The scene is footage of rollercoaster rides]
Kathy Greenwood: Colin, do you feel as though you're in any danger?
Colin Mochrie: I don't feel like I'm any danger. Look! (stands still)
  • [The scene is of numerous scenes involving Ryan]
  • Colin Mochrie: *Ducks down to the ground
  • Ryan Stiles: Oh that's an odd maneuver there Collin. What do you call that?
Colin Mochrie: What I just did? *Ducks down to the ground again.* I'm trying to confuse it!
  • Ryan Stiles: Oh... (laughs) Oh trust me Colin, you confuse it on a daily basis.
Colin Mochrie: [Pauses, then figures it out] You know, it's kinda charming in a gawky way, isn't it?

Scenes from a Hat

Drew: Celebrity endorsements doomed to fail.
Colin: Hi, I'm Colin Mochrie for "Rogaine".

Drew: Unlikely subjects to be a basis for a musical.
Colin: [singing] How does food become POOOO?? I'll tell YOOOOU!!
Drew: Unlikely titles for medical journals.
Colin: Ever wondered how food becomes poo?

Drew: Fast food orders that SOUND sexy... but aren't.
Colin: Yeah, can you slip me a Whopper?
Drew: World's Worst Catchphrase.
Colin: [making a pose] Ni-i-ice Pants!

Drew: Bad things to see tattooed on your date.
Colin: [reading] Am I doing all right? Call 555- ...

Drew: Rejected theme songs from the movie "Titanic".
Colin: (singing in an upbeat tone) Corpses bobbing in the sea...

Drew: Unlikely first lines of love songs.
Colin: (sings) It seemed like any other autopsy...

Drew: Confusing battle cries
Colin: Give me liberty, or a bran muffin!
Colin: [Afterwards] Get my brown pants!

Drew: Poems about embarrassing moments
Colin: It was my first time, I felt such elation; oh no, premature ejaculation...

Drew: Unwelcome dishes on a church pop-like dinner.
Colin: [imitates holding a dish] Crap on a stick.

Drew: Things you can say to your dog but not your girlfriend.
Colin: [Motioning with his hand] Come.

Drew: If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.
Colin: (Singing) Hey, that's me with the booger in my nose, booger in my nose, booger in my nose. Hey! That's me with the booger...(buzzer)
Colin: (singing) Hey, I didn't mean to cook your dog. But hey, those things just happen! I was just standing there and his little toes, they started tappin'. So I cut his rope like go get the goat and then I put him on the barbecue...(Ryan pulls Colin off stage. Buzzer sounds.)

Drew: Topics that will ruin a dinner party.
Colin: ...So, then my colon is lying right on my chest. I wake up in the middle of the surgery---I accidentally swallow half of it! How did that happen, I'm wondering! Well, when all of a sudden, that's when the laxative hits! So, I'm lying there, wondering "How the heck am I gonna get out of this?" (Ryan pulls Colin off stage. Buzzer sounds.)

Drew: Opening lines of foreign national anthems.
Colin: Colombia! We're not known just for coffee!

Drew: Messages delivered a little late.
Colin: Mr. Lincoln! The show got bad reviews!

Drew: Least checked out library books.
Colin: [imitates grabbing a book off a shelf] Twenty Ways To Self-Control: President Clinton.

Drew: U.S. cities that will never have a song written about them.
Colin: (singing) Proud citizens of Doglick!

Drew: Bad songs to sing in prison.
Colin: (singing) With the wig, you remind me of Julia.

Drew: Rejected themes to Titanic.
Colin: (singing) Corpses bobbing in the sea...

Drew: What George W. Bush is really thinking during cabinet meetings.
Colin: [looks around] There isn't even a cabinet in here.

Drew: What you can say about your motorcycle, but not your girlfriend.
Colin: It's fine, as long as you don't mind the bugs in your teeth.

Drew: What you can say about your boat, but not your girlfriend.
Colin: She's taking on water!

Drew: Names that will get your son's ass kicked.
Ryan: Awww is kick my ass hungry?
Colin: Come here Colin.
(Then Brad and Wayne comes pretend to beat up him)

Drew: What Lassie was really trying to tell everyone.
Colin: The square root of nine is three!

Drew: Rejected "Jeopardy!" categories.
Colin: I'll take Animal Genitalia Audio Clues...

Drew: Professions where breaking into song is discouraged.

Drew: Scenes from the Whose Line soap opera.
Colin: (pretends to shave his head) Why didn't I read my contract?

Drew: What the kids in "The Blair Witch Project" were really running from.
Colin: (Runs up to the camera, pretends to cry) There's gonna be a crappy sequel!

Drew: Other welcome messages when entering a state.
Colin: Welcome to Rhode Island. Thanks for visiting Rhode Island. (turns around in confusion)

Drew: Phrases that don't sound right when a cheesy announcer says them

Drew: Things that you shouldn't wish for when a genie grants you three wishes
Colin: Uh, two cokes and some chips.

Drew: Odd things to hear from the voices in your head
Colin: I'm the little voice in your head. No, I'm the little voice in your head. No, I'm the little voice in your head. Will the real little voice in your head please stand up? No, it's me. I'm the little voice in your head. I'm the little voice in your head. I'm the little voice in your head (Ryan drags him off the stage) I'm the little voice in your head...[buzzer]

Drew: Little know facts about the Whose line cast.
Colin: They're all wearing wigs.

Drew: Things found on hillbilly fortue cookies.
Colin: (reading) Howdy. (looks at the paper confused)

Drew: If movie star were truthful during their award acceptant speeches.
Colin: Man! You don't know how many P****** I had to shove my D*** just to get this!

Drew: Weight loss books that didn't exactly fly off the shelves
Ryan: Lose weight by Drew Carey?
Colin: Eat yourself smart by Ryan Stiles.

Drew: Unlikely super hero names
Colin: It's Me! Run-Away-From-Danger-Man!

Drew: Bad shampoo ads.
[Kathy pretends to take a shower and notice her hair falling out]
Colin: I use the same kind!

Drew: Strange causes to raise money for.
Colin: (pretending to hold a sign) Bathe the whales!

Drew: The worst soap opera cliffhanger lines leading into a commercial.
Colin: What's for dinner?
Colin: 99... Here I come.

Drew: Pick-up lines of game show hosts.
Colin: Is that your final answer?

Drew: Things on Celebrity Fear Factor
Colin: [pulls Wayne to the stage] Put on this plaid shirt! [pretends to hold up a shirt]

Drew: Unusual acts performed on talent night at the convent.
Colin: I'm a penguin. I'm a black and white movie. I'm a newspaper. I'm a zebra.

Drew: World's worst thing to say the first time you see someone naked.
Colin: That reminds me, my tire needs new treads.

Drew: Bad times to smoke a cigarette.
Colin: FIRE! (smokes a cigarette)

Drew: Things you couldn't tell your parents until now
Colin: I'm adopted

Drew: What penguins think about at the South Pole
Colin: I'll get that Batman

Song Titles

  • Theme from Titanic.
  • [looking out window and pointing] Oklahoma!
  • [to driver] Do you know the way to San Jose'?
Ryan Stiles: Hmm... Blue Suede Shoes...
Colin Mochrie: Nice Pants.
Colin Mochrie: What's the Buzz? Tell Me What's A-Happenin'.
Ryan Stiles: Nowhere Man.
Colin Mochrie: Really? That Sucks.
Chip Esten: Theme from Jaws?
Colin Mochrie: I'll Get a Harpoon, La La La-La!


  • Captain Hair, AWAY!!
later Another crisis averted. Now to find the guy that made that suggestion!
  • [as Captain Salmon] I need to spawn!
  • [as Disco Boy] No more Bee Gees! How will I stay alive, stay alive?!
  • [as Presidential Candidate Man] (crossing his fingers, pretending to look at himself in mirror) I will cut taxes.
later Holy Vote!
  • [as Captain Obvious] I'm standing. (looks around) I'm looking around. Perhaps there's something on the Crisis Monitor, here I turn it on. (pretends to turn knobs, look at "monitor") Dry skin! (scratches arm) Just thinking about it makes me wanna scratch. Oh, that's air going into my lungs.

Two-Line Vocabulary

Colin: (bangs gavel on Stephen's hand) Sorry. Order in the court! Order in the court!
Stephen: Objection. That bleedin' hurt.
Colin: Overruled. Call your first witness please.
Stephen: Certainly your honour. I'm about to tie up the loose ends of this ridiculous chicken stealing case. (Tony enters in furry hat, covering his eyes)
Stephen: Will you please raise your right hand. (Tony raises his left hand) Put it down, that stinks. Now, give me your name please.
Tony: I am the dowager Duchess of Verona.
Stephen: Ha HA!...
Colin: (bangs gavel) Sustained!
Stephen: And where were you on the 29th of the 5th of the 7th of the 4th of the ... I can't remember the date but it all ends in 72.
Tony: I was inserting myself in this badger. I'm afraid I won't be a terribly useful witness as I saw nothing.
Colin: I'm sorry, this witness is immaterial. Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries. (Ryan enters in army officer's cap)
Stephen: Now, your full name and rank please Lieutenant. Whoops, gave it away. Never mind.
Ryan: Lieutenant Jack, the frozen chicken king. I raise chickens, I kill 'em, I freeze 'em and eat 'em.
Stephen: So this man would have every motivation to steal the chicken!
Ryan: Not really. I own the farm.
Stephen: No further questions your honour. I made a complete prat of meself with that one.
Colin: You better come up with something more sustaining... I'm tired, go ahead.
Stephen: Will you please state your full name.
Tony: (enters in brown hat) 'Ello. 'Arry the 'at, 'Arry the 'at, end of the pier comedian, joke for every occasion. 'Ere we go, why did the chicken die? Who knows?
Stephen: That is what we are here to find out.
Tony: Look over there! (kicks Stephen as he looks away)
Stephen: Molesting the prosecutor your honour.
Colin: Objection!... Sustained!... This Courtroom is a Mochrie! (constatly bangs gavel) I want my next witness!!! (end of gavel breaks off)
Stephen: I'm sorry your honour.... Where's the end of your gavel?
Colin: It's immaterial.
Ryan: What do I look like?!
Colin: Shut up!
Ryan: What do I-
Colin: I'll tell you what you look like: a big stick with a big nose!
[Colin grabs Ryan's nose in the middle of his line.]
Wayne: Is that what I think it is?
Colin: It is...but it's...bigger.
Colin: Look, I've got a plan.
Wayne: I don't think so.
Colin: I do!
Wayne: I don't think so!
Colin: BUTT! [mimes whacking Wayne in the face with the butt of a rifle]

Weird Newscasters

  • Our top story today, The Great Jambonie, eccentric human cannonball known for taking his lucky donkey to all his performances escapes near tragedy today when the donkey climbed into the cannon muzzle just as Jambonie was taking off. It took the surgeon three hours to remove Jambonie's head from his ass. Both are resting comfortably.
  • Welcome to the 6:00 News. I'm your anchor, Dan You're-gonna-pay-me-back-that-ten-bucks. Our top story today. Rock star Prince has changed his name once again. After changing long-distance carriers, Prince, the artist formeraly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, will now be known as The Artist Who Formerly Phoned with Sprint
  • Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm Thor, but not complaining.
  • Now over to our weatherman, Dwayne TheBathtub.
  • Now over to our weatherman, Bud Ugly.
  • Our top story tonight: Hollywood was saddened today when Foghorn Leghorn died today at the age of 65. Memorial services will be held tomorrow after which the deceased will be served with a nice orange sauce.
  • This just in: co-anchor loses job.
  • A man is still in critical condition after swallowing two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in large bills. No change is expected.
  • Famous playboy Hugh Hefner managed to successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The Police forced the Friars to close down the stall, which was outside the playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers.....said one friar, "Well, if it was anyone else, we might have gotten away from it, but apparently, only Hugh can prevent florist friars." Try saying that three times.
  • Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Arthur anymore donuts.
  • Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Woodrow, but don't have a paddle.
  • Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Lars Lars, pants on fars.
  • Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Lars of the Red Hot Lovers.
  • Welcome to the 6 o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Pierre cause my bladder's empty.
  • Welcome to the 6 o'clock news. I'm your anchor Oswald That Endswald. Our Top story today- Convicted hit man Jimmy "Two-Shoes" McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only 2 small porcelain figures. Police admit that this might be the first recorded case of a "Knick-Knack-Paddy-Whack".
  • Welcome to the six o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Thor Buttocks. 60's musical group the Birds today announced a twenty-four city reunion tour with their new band member George W. Bush. To save money, Mr. Bush will play both guitar and drums. According to a spokesman, a Bush in the band is worth two in the Byrds.
  • Welcome to the six o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Keith My Pathty White Butt.
  • Our top story, a man survived being swallowed alive by a whale by running all the way to the end until he was pooped out.
  • In a recent survey, nine out of ten Americans agree that out of ten people, one person will always disagree with the other nine.
  • This just in: Wives live longer than husbands because they're not married to women.
  • This just in, nine out of ten dentists agree the tenth one should really chill out.
  • Now over to our weatherman, Hardwood Panelling.
  • Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin Flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16-year olds across state lines for immoral porpoises.
  • Disaster struck a ceiling fan convention tonight when the scheduled entertainment Dr. Lenguini and his trampolining sheep hit the floor. According to one eyewitness everything was fine until one extremely high bounce and then the sheep hit the fan.
  • Welcome to the six o' clock news. I'm your anchor, Puffy, Don't Need Combs. Out top story today, An entire cult of dead... Killer bees... were found dead. They are thought to have committed insecticide.

World's Worst

  • Here's a hundred bucks. Do a hoedown.
  • Do you have any plutonium?
  • (pretending to be a little person) I represent the Lollipop League.
  • Yeah, I like to sunbathe naked. No, it's 3 o'clock.
  • (acts like a mime)
Person to be Married To
  • Well, another day of helping horses mate.
  • (acting surprised) Women have orgasms?
Person to be Stranded on a Desert Island With
  • (while pretending to dig a hole) No, I don't know where the others are.
  • I cut up the rubber raft and made a woman. (pretends to inflate it)
Person to Share an Office With
  • (Looks around for a few seconds) AAAAAAAAH!
  • Anyone for monkey testicles and cola?
  • (Acts like an elephant)
  • Hey, there's blood on my stool.
Priest or Rabbi
  • Hmm. Well, say 10 Hail Marys and the "Gilligan's Island" theme.
Self-Help Instructional Video
  • To clap, raise one hand (raises his right hand to about his chest) then the other, (raises his left hand to the same position) keeping them an equal distance apart. Then force them together at a speed that makes this sound. (claps) Repeat! (claps again) Repeat! (claps again)
  • Welcome to "Dogs Have Prostates, Too".
  • Oh, those frustrating banana peels! How do you get them off the banana? Hold the banana firmly in one hand. (buzz)
  • Oh, those frustrating gerbil skins!
Super Bowl Halftime Show
  • (pretending to be a mind reader) Is there a Joe here?
  • You put your left foot in! You take your left foot out! You put your left foot in... and you shake it all about!
  • (acts like a mime)
Thing To Say At A Major Award Ceremony
  • You tolerate me! You really, really tolerate me!
Thing To Say Or Do During Or After Making Love
  • No, it was great. You ever think about that chest hair removal thing?
  • (as Regis Philbin) Is that your final orgasm?
Thing To Say Or Do On A Romantic Date
  • I brought the limes.
  • (looks at his hand) You look very beautiful.
Thing To Say Or Do On Your First Day In Prison
  • Who here loves to crochet?
  • Excuse me! There's a hole in my floor that leads to the outside!
TV Program
  • We're now... round three of championship dominoes...
  • What's gonna happen today on "Things Your Cat Can't Swallow"?
  • Today on "Celebrity Phlegm"!

Whose Line

  • I love it when you talk poultry.
  • Why are you dressed like a French Maid?
  • [with Ryan] Shut up and touch the monkey!
  • My poodle is stuck in a heater vent.
  • Seeing you naked changed my life.
  • My shorts are on fire.
  • The Canadians are coming! The Canadians are coming!
  • My name is Bill I like tight panties!
  • I see Paris, I see France, I see someone's underpants!


  • Look, muffins....
  • [after his shirt was the topic of numerous gags] I can't believe I'm missing bald jokes!
  • Hey! Make fun of the bald guy! I'll be your lightning rod of hate!
  • [after a game of Living Scenery with three cheerleaders]
Colin: This is a great country!
Colin: I know you'll find this hard to believe, but that was the closest I have ever got to cheerleaders.
Drew: Your wife's up in Canada, right?
Colin: Who? [audience laughter] ... Yes, she is. Lovely woman, love her deeply.
Drew: Can't wait for her to see the show.
  • [as Vlad the Vampire] Come, my chickens of the night!
  • [During a game of Film, TV and Theatre styles]
Colin [as Pikachu]: Pikachu! [starts showering lightning bolts at Ryan and Kathy]
  • [as Robin] Batman, what would I do with a Wonder Woman costume?!
  • [after a game of Living Scenery with Richard Simmons] You know what? I've never had a jet ski lesson in my life. But I'm thinking of taking it up!
  • [after a game of Living Scenery with twin belly dancers]
Drew: How are the wife and kids, by the way?
Colin: Who? [audience laughter] They're lovely. They're fine.
Drew: Yeah.
Colin: [laughing] No, I'm sure they are! This doesn't air for a while, right?
Drew: Yeah.
Colin: Yeah, yeah, they're fine.
  • Can we get women on this show?
  • [whilst commentating on Ryan on greenscreen- he has realised what it is.] Actually, it's kind of charming in it's own, gawky way, isn't it?
  • [World's Worst TV advertisement] It's a breath mint and a suppository!
  • [later, same game] Aluminum: the condom you can trust.
  • [World's Worst person to be president] It's Columbus Day, and we're selling off all the states, starting with Alaska! What is your best bid? We've gone crazy!
  • [Party Quirks]
Colin: [To Robin Williams who is a paranoid member of the Fashion Police] Fashion Consultant!
Drew: No. Not quite...
Colin: Who needs decaf!
Drew: They have a name for these kind of people.
Colin: Yes they do. You know if I was a bigger star I'd have one of him.

Drew Carey


Last September, I had a stressful day. I had to pack my stuff and move away. [Studders]But-whenthing-one...Wait oh, man. I couldn't fit my fat ass in the van.

Hoedowns about magicians are really hard to do
Hard to think of one verse let alone even two
Let me tell you something that will give you a little laugh
(Turns to Wayne) If you take my rhyme again I'm gonna saw your ass in half

Well people always asked me, "hey Drew did you lose weight?"
And I tell them, "thanks I feel great"
I found a diet plan that's like no other
I burn all my calories by banging Wayne's mother

Christmas is a holiday that I really hate
There's nothing about it to which I can relate
So every December 25th I take off my shoes
And go down to the Deli and hang out with the Jews

Let me tell you something that just happened to me
My momma started drinking when I was just three
Now I shouldn't let the secret slip
But my momma started drinking when she married Chip

Well I hate radio today
They don't have anything good to play
All they play is junk, they are in a rut
I wish they take the Backstreet Boys and shove 'em up their butt

I love the village people, they give me confidence
Even though I'm not bright, I am rather dense
I have a fat white body, and I don't have a tan
But when I put on leather pants, I am a macho man!

Well today it was our 100th show
It's been really fun friend don't you know
Let me tell you something. Even though it's been a blast
All you folks that been watching 'Friends' you can kiss my ass

Well we went to the zoo my girlfriend and I
Just to see some rhinoceros
But there weren't any around so went out to the lake
And I went under water and showed her my snake

I have all my hair and I really am quite happy
I like putting stuff in my hair it makes look real snappy
I love to comb my hair I never need a breather
I'm real happy I'm not Colin Mochrie either

Oh, I won the lottery, a million smackaroos
That will really keep me in underoos
The only thing that really is a bummer
I can't spend the money cause I'm in jail for running numbers

I hate to tell the story cause myself it might embarrass
But the other night, I went out with the daughter of Chuck Barris
When we had to make love, she did something that's wrong
I took off my pants, and she gave me the gong

Don't like talking about my family
No sirree bob, that's not the subject for me
Let me ask you a question, tell you, Jack
Am I adopted cause the rest of my family's black

Well, my first job was in fast food, don't you know
The hours were real long and the payment was real low
My boss told me that he didn't like my sass
So my first kiss was a hearty "Kiss my ass!"

The Points Are Like...

The points are like a congressman from Rhode Island.
The points are like what your girlfriend says when the game is on.
The points are useless, just like public transportation here in Los Angeles.
The points are like 4th of July in England.
The points are just like Father's Day at Madonna's house. (The audiences groans.) What, is she here? Shut up?
The points are like the cost of your funeral.
The points are like the drapes in Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee's house.
The points are just like the Los Angeles public school system.
The points are just like whatever music they play during lap dance.
The points are just like your contractor's first estimates.
The points are like how fat I am when I'm in a strip club.
The points are like morning breath when you are horny.
The points are like the stripper's name.
The points are just like Blair Witch 2.(Robin Williams runs up to the camera.)Get out, get out!
The points are just like... something that doesn't matter.
The points are like a microphone at a Britney Spears concert.
If the points were on Scooby Doo, they'd be Velma.
The points are like everything else when you own a Porsche. (Ryan) None of us would know, Drew.
The points are like Shaquille O'Neal at the free throw line.
Just like a stop sign at 3:00 in the morning, the points don't matter. Especially if there's a kitten with a flower crossing the street.
The points are just like, I dunno, good taste to the man who makes Ryan's shoes.
But the commercials sure do, I hope you liked them. There, that will sell a few.
The points are like the Swiss Navy... doesn't matter...
The points are like the female character in "The Perfect Storm".
The points are like an accordion in a unlocked car.
The points are like the host in "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". C'mon anyone can do that [buzzing].
The points are like parking tickets to a judge.
The points are like underwear to Sharon Stone. [Brad and Wayne both cross and uncross their legs just like in the interrogation scene from the movie Basic Instinct.]
If the points were a military power, they'd be Canada. (Colin gives a thumbs-up.)
The points are like the Queen of England.
The points are like a liberal in Texas.
The points are like saying "I Love You" when you're drunk. (Wayne starts crying.)
The points are like most of the movies that began as Saturday Night Live sketches. (The audience groans.) Ryan: Ohhhh! Drew: They're gonna be mad!
The points are like the brunette from ABBA.
You'll see the points when Anna Nicole Smith sees her feet.
The points are like cheeseburgers after you've had angioplasty.
The points are like whatever a delivery guy in a porno movie is delivering.
The points are like a centerfold's favorite color.
The points are something you'll never see, like Mrs. Richard Simmons.
The points are like the part of the Victoria's Secret catalog where they sell the pants.
The points are like a bicycle-riding fish to a lesbian. (Colin, Ryan, and Brad look around, confused.) Wayne: Ohhh! (smiles, laughs, then points at Drew.)
Just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles... (camera pans in on Ryan's shoes)...the points don't mean a thing. (audience cheers) I'm sorry, was that applause? I couldn't hear it over Ryan's shoes!
The points are like Keith Richards to a vampire.
The points don't matter, just like the first four questions on "Millionaire". Who cares about the points? Not even a game show.
Just like the plot of Mission: Impossible 2, the points don't mean a thing.
The points are like an Ikea in the middle of the amish country.
The points are fake but they look and feel real.
If the points were cheerleaders they'd be guy cheerleaders.
The points are just like the angry voices in my head. They don't matter.
The points are like a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
The points are just like a Lojack system on a AMC Gremlin (Wayne begins to laugh)
The points have never been seen. Just like the bathroom on the Starship Enterprise. It's there, it's just that nobody seen it.
The points are so worthless, they might as well end in "dot com."
The points are like the other guy from Wham!.
The points are just like what the second man on the moon said.
The points do not exist, they're like a lesbian inside a lesbian chatroom. Don't ask me how I know that, I just do.
The points are like a Canadian coin in an American vending machine.
The points are like whether your porn is on DVD or VHS.
The points are like the bing and the bang without the boom.
The points are like our border with Mexico.
They don't matter, just like the "Do Not Disturb" sign on your hotel room door.
The points are for appearances only, just like a politician's family.
Like last names at closing time, the points don't matter.
They're useless, like the rack of Speedos at the Big and Tall shop.
Just like Little League.
The points are just like pictures of food on the Denny's menu.
Yep, we're just like the Cleveland Browns!
The points are like the first three quarters of an NBA game.
The points are like the Clinton legacy.
The points are like the word "Rapid" in "Rapid Transit".
The points are like our border with Mexico.
The points are as worthless as the phrase "Campaign Finance Reform".
The points are useless, like an L. A. Clippers ticket.
The points are like the future of UPN.
The points are like a wicker bedpan.
The points are useless, like chick movies.
The points are like what the cast of "Big Brother" is up to right now.
They don't exist, just like a wealthy accordion player.
The points are like that Beanie Baby you paid $10,000 for.
The points are like 90% of your cable channels.
If the points were on "Happy Days", they'd be Richie's older brother.
It doesn't matter, like what's in this cup. What do you care what I'm drinking?
They don't matter at all, like the second person you slept with.
It's like the censor on the "Donny and Marie" show.
Like borders to Germans, the points don't matter.
Points are like that last joke, doesn't matter.
If the points were a cheese, it would be whiz.
The points are like those chaint pips you ate as a kid. I'm sorry, I mean paint chips.
If the points had any value right now, Anna Nicole Smith would be fetching us all beer.
The points are like who has to use the bathroom after you do.
The points are like a Judy Garland festival at Camp Pembleton.
That's right, the points are like Canadian history books.
The points are like whatever your parents just said.
The points are useless, like those how to gamble books they sell you in Vegas.
The points don't matter, just don't matter like the word "International" in International House of Pancakes
The points here are like new shows on UPN.
They're like vows at a celebrity wedding.
Just like a hat at an orgy, the points don't matter.
The points are just like opera in Alabama.
The points are like 90% of your mail.
That's right, the points are like the border patrol. I said it, and I don't care who knows.
The points are like the 12th step to Darryl Strawberry.
The points don't even exist, like royalty payments from Napster.
The points are something you'll never see, like Pat Buchanan in the White House.
The points are as useless as taking pills to lose weight while you sleep.
The points are like a fully loaded, top of the line Yugo.

Welcome Back to "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"

The show with more same-sex mouth-to-mouth kissing than any other show in the history of television.
Hey, folks, you like happy endings? Play this show backwards.
The show that Nostradamus never saw coming.
I didn't touch your daughter. Quit calling me.
The show that gives Colin Mochrie a reason to live.
During the commercial, I got spanked. No, sorry, you missed it.
Here's our Whose Line Fact of the day: During the break, we found out the Häagen-Dazs is Danish for "fat pig with a spoon".
[during an unaired segment] This is how the show works: I kill myself, and you get to cheer me on as I lop off different parts of my body, turning into a fat vest. And when I'm down to my penis - because my penis is hopping around - the game ends, the penis awards the points, and then you carry off the bloody penis on a stick while marching round the town square... (gets up and away from the director)
...hey, if you're watching the show in Bayreuth, for God sakes, turn off your T.V. and move.
Hey, during the commercial break, did you tell your kids you loved them? Did you pet your dog? Did you kiss your wife? Didja? Didja? Didja? NO! You sat on your fat butt and didn't move a muscle! You oughta be ashamed of yourself! During the next commercial break, you oughta kiss your wife.
If you're keeping track of the points at home, help is on the way. (audience laughs) Don't ask, just do what they tell you.
If you're keeping track of the points at home, I pity you.
I'm Drew Carey, or as Hannibal Lector calls me, dinner for two.
Hey, look out for Colin's new show, it's a cross between "Touched By An Angel", "King of Queens", and "Two Guys and a Girl|Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place". It's called "I was touched by two queens in a pizza place."
Hey parent's, listen to this. did you know that hugs makes your kids do better in school, boosts their self confidence, all that stuff. So, if you see me hugging on your daughter, I'm just trying to help.
Hey, during the commercial, we sold your car on the Internet.
If you want a points recap, uh...Brad: who knows, Wayne: Who cares, Colin: I forgot, Ryan: -73
I'm Drew Carey, lord of the onion rings.
We're the homework alternative. (Drew winks and gives a thumbs up to the camera)
You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.
During the break, did you tell your daughter you loved her? I did!
I'm Drew. Mr. Carey if you're nasty.
I'm glad your whole family is watching tonight, because I think you're daughter's hot!
If you want a transcript of tonight's show, you should have hired a stenographer.
If you want a transcript of tonight's show, just type out every word we say.
And don't worry, your pizza's on its way.
If you're keeping score at home, send in your name and address, we're having a drawing to see who gets to watch the next episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway in the comfort of their own home.
Or if you're watching it in a mirror, "Anyway It Is Line Whose".
A lot of people have been asking, and let me tell you, the only difference between our cast and the cast of "Friends" is that the cast of "Friends" is better, richer-looking, and more popular. Other than that, no difference at all.
The second most popular show on ABC where the title asks a rhetorical question.
I'm Drew Carey, the fifth Teletubbie.
Now we're going to get the hot glue gun out and turn that old lamp into something special.


  • Good evening and welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway? On tonight's show... (followed by introduction of the guests with a humorous title)
  • [after insulting Colin and being booed by the audience] Oh jeez, never make fun of the popular, funny guy.
  • I hated to end it before Ryan took off his shirt, but we've already seen it.
  • Yeah, oh! I'm going to be starting a new series soon to air on ABC. Yeah, it's like a mix of "Touched by an Angel", "King of Queens", and "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place". Yeah, I'm gonna call it "I was Touched by Two Queens in a Pizza Place". [smiles]
  • Just when you thought "Will & Grace" was the gayest show on TV, along comes "Whose Line Is It Anyway?". [Wayne, Colin, and Ryan all point out their wedding rings while making grunting noises; Drew stares sadly at his bare fingers. Then Wayne, Colin and Ryan notice that Jeff dosen't have a ring so they start to point a grunt at him.]
  • I'm going to give them all 5,000 POINTS! [Audience cheers] 5,000 POINTS! HOW DO I DO IT? VOLUME! VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME!
  • It must be dirty Cindy!!!
  • And we thought that the most gay show in TV was "Will And Grace"... long gone with "Whose Line Is It anyway?"
  • Be sure to keep an eye out for Colin's new show. It's a cross between 'Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?' and 'Hair'. It's called 'Where in the World's My Hair?'
  • Ryan has a new show, it's a cross between "What's Happening", "Hangin' with Mr. Cooper", and "The PJs". It's called "What's That Hanging Out of Your PJs?". (Ryan: Watch for it.)
  • I will give you all two billion points. (aside) You hear that Regis? TWO BILLION. (In a mocking tone) Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. (Ryan: Are those your final points?) (Drew begins to act like he's thinking, then reaches unser the desk and pulls out a phone receiver and pretends to talk into it.) Drew: Yes those are my final points.
  • [After a game of Weird Newscasters when Ryan used other people's bodies (including Drew's) as weather maps] What's the weather like in the unemployment office?
  • [after Ryan spits water on himself, he wiping his pants as Drew gives points] 100 points, 200 points 500 points,1000 points, 5000 points, 10,000 points, I have no more points to give.
  • [during World's Worst, providing an example of the world's worst neighbor] Oh, me? I'm a jackhammer tester. [poor audience response] That'd be a bad guy to live next to, huh? A jackhammer tester. 'Cause then he'd play a jackhammer--he's gonna do his jackhammer all f*cking day.
  • [During World's Worst, as the world's worst 'priest or rabbi,' mimicking Jerry Lewis's voice) "Well hey if you give me the knife and the BABY - I'll give it a li'l cut with the HEY!" [Wayne, Greg, Ryan and Colin all crack up.]
  • [after Party Quirks in which Ryan breaks the light on Drew's desk, Ryan asks for extra points] I'm sorry, we spent all the points replacing the glass!
  • You know, I reading my newspaper during the break, and guess what I read? I read that one of the people on Big Brother, after the got voted off, she said the show made her miserable. Join the club.
  • We'll find out who the winner is after this, don't go away! --Announcement before the winner's segment. Later recycled for The Price Is Right.
  • Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway. --Announcement returning from each commercial break. Later recycled for The Price Is Right.
  • [Before every game of Sound Effects involving Ryan as the sounds] Here's your special spit-proof microphone Ryan. He gets that because he spits so much and I refuse to use the same one.
  • [after a round of Scenes From a Hat] Okay! we're gonna come back with more Whose Line right after this. Don't go anywhere [throws the hat and hits a camera] OH S***!
   :Ryan: What happened?
   :Colin: The camera just fell over!
Holy S***!
  • That was great, a billion points to everyone. That's right. One billion points. Feel the heat, Regis.
  • [after explaining Number of Words] Did you get all that? Cause I'm not repeating it.

Greg Proops


  • [wearing a fish hat, laughing hysterically] I have a giant fish head on. [takes hat off] I'm 42 fucking years old.
  • [wearing an astronaut's helmet] I'd like to visit Uranus!
  • [wearing a traffic light hat] I hope I'm not giving you mixed signals.
  • [wearing red-tinted glasses and a green chef's hat] Yo. I'm from Beverley Hills, and I be pimpin'.
  • [holding a bull-whip] Hi, I'm a member of Congress. [cracks whip]
  • [wearing a helmet similar to Darth Vader's] I am your father.
  • [wearing an Akubra, speaking in an Australian accent] How's you like to go down under? (from UK version)
  • [wearing an Cowboy hat, speaking in an Texan accent] Darlin', everything's big where I come from.
Greg: [wearing a rabbit mask, muffled] I'm not into protection. [no audience response]
Drew: Say that again? I don't think anybody could hear you.
Greg: [takes mask off] Oh, could nobody hear me?
Drew: No.
Greg: Maybe it's because of this fucking mask I'm wearing.
  • [wearing a bald wig] Hi, I'm Colin Mochrie. Have you been to Canada? (Gets up and copies Colin's dinosaur move)
  • [wearing an evil looking mask] Let me be the gatekeeper to your portal of joy
  • [wearing a long hair wig and holding an axe with a skull on it] GONDOR NEEDS WOMAN!!!
  • [wearing a alien head dress] Well, I'm a Klingon by trade. [Mild audience response] But when I'm not funny, I sit here with this fucking thing on my head!
Greg: (wearing some butterfly wings) Well now I'm out of the caterpillar stage (minimal audience reaction)
Drew: (Buzz) Screech!
Greg: Well you put the fucking wings on!

Scenes from a Hat

Drew: What President Bush does in his office when he is all by himself.
Greg: [changes voice] Hello, is this Hillary Clinton? Is your water running?

Drew: State mottos rejected from license plates.
Greg: Mississippi! We do too have all our teeth!
Greg: Texas! Capital punishment ROCKS!
Drew: Ya got that right, bubba.

Drew: Things you shouldn't do at the last minute.
Greg: (comes out with Wayne) And have a good first day at school. Daddy's gay.

Drew: Things you can say about the food you eat, but not your girlfriend.
Greg: Breast, breast, breast. I'm sick of breast. Where are the thighs?
Greg: These pies are incredibly small!
Greg: Man, this is juicy.

Drew: The good news and the bad news.
Greg: [comes out with Wayne and hands him a present] Merry Christmas Tommy. [Wayne opens it] Look. It's Geppetto on DVD. [buzzes]
Wayne: [laughing] I liked it!
Greg: The bad news is that it was Christmas.

Drew: Pull the string on the Drew Carey doll and it says...
Greg: [evil look at Drew]
Drew: Go ahead, do what ever you want baby.
Greg: [pulls string] Mimi and I are the same person.

Drew: Things you can say about your truck, but not your girlfriend.
Greg: Wow! You can fit four in there!

Drew: A brief glimpse into the dreams of Colin Mochrie.
(Greg pretend to be Colin that has hair and starts playing with it and then walks back to his place like a dinosaur)
Greg: [Came out again]Yeah, you were great, Sharon Stone. No, I'm not gonna call you.

Drew: Things you can say to your boat, but not your girlfriend.
Greg: Yeah, you could put a dozen guys down below.
Colin: She's taking on water!

Drew: If department store mannequins could talk.
[Greg is pointing with Wayne]
Greg: What the hell are we pointing at?

Drew: What President Bush does in the Oval Office when he's all by himself.
Greg: [pretending to hold up a mirror] Who beat Al Gore? Who beat Al Gore?

Drew: What's really going through George W. Bush's mind during cabinet meetings.
Greg: Hmm. What does the "W" stand for? Whatever!

Drew: Welcome signs when entering U.S. states
Greg: Welcome to Ohio, Watch out for Drew-pmft! (assuming that he hit or ran over Drew)

Drew: Excerpts from the dreams of Colin Mochrie.
Greg: [strokes his hair in a loving and slightly erotic fashion]
[returns to stage with Ryan and Wayne]
Greg, Ryan, and Wayne: [pulling back their hair to look like they're bald] AaAaAaAaAHH!


My god there's a clogged toilet. Drew Carey must be in town.
Remember, I'm not hot, I'm spicy.
Great Leaping Salamanders of Flame!
In a world filled with poop, there's just one prooper, I'm Greg Proops, the pooper scooper!


When I went to med school I was very proud
When I got my diploma I yelled right out loud
I did an operation and I did my part
His name was Newt Gingrich and I removed his heart

Hey I got a girlfriend you know her name is Ruth.
The reason that I love her is that she always tells the truth.
We have not made love not since our inception.
But now she's pregnant she tells me it's immaculate conception.

I don't like to study, but I have no fear.
I'd rather just sit in my dorm room and drink lots of beer.
If I fail my tests, I have a special scheme.
It doesn't matter 'bout my grades, I'm on the football team.


[A response to the "Horward" piano glitch incident] Watch out for those tempo changes, man. Because when we go into the second bridge, this shit takes off!

Ryan Stiles


  • [wearing a chicken mask] Care to get laid?
  • [wearing a lamp shade] Care to have a three-way?
  • [wearing a grape hat] I swear to you, I'm seedless.
  • [wearing a turkey hat] This year, I do all the stuffing.
  • [wearing armor from ancient times] Don't worry. I brought a trojan.
  • [wearing a burger hat] Go out with me, and I'll tell you what's in my secret sauce.
  • [wearing a postal worker's hat] I'm from express mail and I absolutely have to be there overnight.
  • [wearing a banana hat] Peel me. [later, he's eating one of the bananas] I don't have one, I'm just really hungry.
  • [wearing a hot dog hat] It's true. I'm a foot long.
  • [wearing a wrestling championship belt] Wanna know why they call me the Rock?
  • [wearing an army helmet] I'm looking for a few good men.
  • [wearing a chicken mask] It's time something other than an egg to be laid around here.
  • [Holding a top hat brim facing up on his lap] It ain't gonna be a rabbit.
  • [wearing a pizza hat] If I don't come in less than thirty minutes, I'm free!
  • [wearing boxing gloves] Sorry, I only meant to nibble your ear. [pretends to spit something out of his mouth]
  • [wearing a dog mask] Why? Because I can.
  • [wearing a nurse's hat] With friends like this, who needs enemas?
  • [wearing a spiked hat] How horny can one guy get?
  • [wearing a helicopter helmet] Care to come sit in my cockpit? [later in the helmet again] Now that you're in my cockpit, do you mind if i eject?
  • [wearing an oversized hat] And this is just my head.
  • [wearing a crown] I may taste like butter... [buzz]
  • [wearing a dice hat] I love to take you out on a date, but I've got the craps.
  • [wearing a mining helmet] I love to take you out for a few drinks, but I'm a minor


I wanted surgery but my doc said no
I had to force him cause I had no place to go
I had to threaten him with my big old mouser
Now I look just like a grown up Doogie Howser

Colin wants to be a magician and I think he should
The only problem is he's not very good
He really sucks, he's the worst in the land
His best trick is pouring hot coffee on his hand

My brother needed surgery but we both were broke
I took him to a veterinarian as a little joke
He never complained I didn't hear a peep
So I thought "what the hell" and had him put to sleep

I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day
When I open up the door, kids and mothers run away
I have no costume, I don't care in the land
I open up the door, I've got my penis in my hand

I've just heard that Vegas just went broke
Apparently because of one single bloke
They never thought they would ever see this day
But that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet

I want to see my relative but don't you know it's not right
Every time we get together, all we do is fight
I want to see my family but don't you know i can't
We are from the south and my sister is my aunt

I'll never see my family and that is just a hunch
As it turned out we weren't a very nice bunch
Oh no we're bad, we weren't any Hanson
I'll never see my family cause my name is Charlie Manson

I have the most horrifying costume you've ever seen
When the children see me, they run away and scream
When it comes to costume, there is none more scary
I put on stupid glasses and go out as Drew Carey

I really hate the guy who lives next door to me
I wish he would move real far so I couldn't see
People running naked it's really really scary
But I guess that's what you get when you live next door to Drew Carey

I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover
When I leave the house all the dogs run for cover
I'm big and white and round and my back is really hairy
Yes, you guessed it, my name is Drew Carey

My friends threw me a party, I knew that I was sunk
We strip right down, all night long got really drunk
Dancing with my naked friends, boy that's the life
As a matter of fact, to hell with my wife

I buys lots of products when I'm at home alone
It's really really easy to order them by phone
Not to order these things is really kind of hard
But I never worry too much, I use Colin's credit card

Maybe this hoedown, I'll do really good this time
Hey this is easy, I'm really starting to rhyme
It's going great, boy I hope I have some luck
Cause last time I messed up, I said a word that rhymes with duck

Our director, he really is the boss
For yelling and screaming he's never at a loss
He's the meanest guy that you will ever see
He should sprout a mustache and move to Germany

Oh boy this hoedown is taking mighty long
I am so sick of this bloody song
Wayne sits there, he gets to rest
His penis is large that's why he's behind the desk

A lot of people thinks that they're the best in the land
But the Backstreet Boys aren't my kind of band
Many people think that they are heaven's sent
But you're not a band unless you play an instrument

As an actor, there's nothing on TV
I think they should have a show about me
I don't think that's odd, I don't think that's real scary
And it'll happen when I murder Drew Carey

Oh boy, those cop shows give me such a fright
And it seems like they are on every single night
Sure, you can watch them if you really want a scare
Thursday, at eight, you can see Melissa's underwear

I hate it when they cut it for such a snob
But I guess in the way that is just their job
Faced it backstage that they act all snooty
But I hope they don't cut, Melissa's nice tight booty

Talking about traffic is boring all the time
It's hard to think about something that will rhyme
Traffic, awww, who cares, it doesn't have a class
Ah, once again I have to mention Melissa's a**

Losing all your hair isn't really that bad of a deal
A lot of women love just the way it feels
Just think of it as just a little more face
And you can rent it out as advertising space

I think you will find the best astronaut to be found
I can't wait to blast off and leave this ground
Soon as I get up there, oh boy, I yell "shoot!"
I forgot about my training, and I tinkled in my suit

I came out of my mother at exactly ten to five
Everyone screamed and ran and yelled, "It's alive!"
I can't really blame them, I guess it was kind of scary
Everyone tells me that I resemble Drew Carey

I went to the beach, and boy, was the water cold
I got in anyway, because I was bold
When I got in, it was colder than I feared
That's the day that my penis disappeared

Singing a song about a vending machine
Don't you know that it's really not my scene?
Trying to think of something clever with a little twist
If we do another hoedown, I'll slit my f***ing wrist.

I don't pay my taxes every single year
I guess it's the IRS I really really fear
I guess that's bad of me, doesn't show a lot of class
But every time I do they seem to f*** me up the a**

My girlfriend is pregnant I just heard from her.
Thinking about it makes me go "grrrrrrrr!!!!"
Someone makes me nervous, someone bring me towels.
Cause when I just went "grrrrrrrr!!!!" I emptied all my bowels.

A zoo is a place I don't want to be
All of the animals really frighten me
Here comes a hippo oh no it's kind of scary
Oh it's not a hippo It's just Drew Carey

I'm sure all that money would be really hard to spend
I'm sure It would seem like it would never, ever end
I could give it to charities or so I am told
But I think I would have my penis dipped in gold

Winning a lottery could be kind of funny
Boy I dunno what to do will all that money
A lot of people think that it would be kind of scary
But I would buy this show and fire Drew Carey

I try to rob every store that I see
but one time I got caught by forty cops how could that be?
I walked right in, and I opened up the door
That's what I get for robbing a donut store.

Singing about weight, I don't know where to begin
As you've noticed, I really am quite thin
I watch my weight, I don't want to end up dead
There's very few calories in licking Colin's head.
[goes on to lick Colin Mochrie's Head]

I cheated on my wife with her sister and her mother
I also slept with her cousin and her brother
Boy, when she heard, Boy did it sting her
The good news is next week, we're on "Jerry Springer"


Colin: I'd like a big hammer.
Ryan: [aside] I knew she wanted a big hammer. Maybe a couple of nails and a good screw. (from UK version)

Ryan: [aside] [gibberish]
Ryan: Sorry, the speaker's broken.
Colin: Yes. I'd like a haircut.
Ryan: [aside] I knew he wasn't here for a haircut. And even if he was, it wouldn't take long.

Scenes from a Hat

Drew Carey: Things to say that will always start a fight.
Ryan Stiles: Guys wanna fight?

Drew Carey: Things you can say to your dog, but not your girlfriend.
Ryan Stiles: What did you just do?! What did you just do? Do I have to make you rub your nose in that?
Ryan Stiles:Get off the mailman! Get off the mailman!

Drew Carey: Things that Drew Carey whispers in his date's ear.
Ryan Stiles: Keep the change.

Drew: If dogs could talk...
Ryan: I've got worms, where?

Drew Carey: Entries in Drew Carey's Diary.
Ryan Stiles: (pretends to write) Dear Diary, Ryan looked at me again today. (buzz) How I wish I was sitting on his lap. (buzz, Ryan then leaves and then returns) Dear Diary, when will people find out that I'm not a man. (buzz)
Drew Carey: And moving right along (pulls out a paper) What our audience is thinking right now?
Ryan Stiles: I wonder if that's all true.

Drew: The shortest book ever written.
Ryan: Drew Carey's Acting Tips.
Drew: (mumbling) Drew Carey's Acting Tips
Ryan: See?

Drew: U.S. cities that will never have a song written about them.
Ryan: (singing) We wuv you, Walla Walla Washington; we wuv you, Walla Walla Washington...
(later) We call it "Butte", not "Butt", Montana...
(later) What's the matter with Weed?

Drew: Bad songs to sing in prison.
Ryan: (singing) Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall, the hole in the...

Drew: Famous Hollywood roles as played by Carol Channing.
Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I know what you're thinking. Did I fire seven shots or six? Well with all this confusion, I've forgotten myself, so you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well do you punk?
Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I'm Spartacus!
Drew: Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell.
Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I'm Spartacus!

Drew: What God created at an off day?
Ryan: [older voice] And I shall call it "the other white meat".

Drew Carey: First drafts of famous movie lines.
Ryan: [Writing] "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a lamb." [later] "Go ahead, make a cake!"

Drew: Bad things to see tattooed on your date.
Ryan: [leans forward] "Property of the US Army?"

Drew: Bad things to hear from the doctor operating on you.
Ryan: Ooh, that's different...

Drew: Other people Dorothy might have met and what they would have ask The Wizard for.
Ryan: Hey Dorothy, I'm Drew Carey. I need some jokes to do in between scenes.

Drew: Least checked out library books.
Ryan: Hmm, Dirty Jokes And Beer. [written by Drew Carey.]

Drew: The good news and the bad news.
Ryan: The good news is, the surgery is over, and you're gonna look like a movie star! The bad news is that the movie star is Drew Carey!

Drew: Songs that kill the romance.
Ryan: [singing] I've got a cigar!

Drew: Unlikely ways to start a sermon.

Drew: If people broke into song in real life.
Ryan: [sings as he pretends to sit down] Where did all the toilet paper go?

Drew: Names of babies that will get their ass kicked.
Ryan: Aw, is Kickmyass hungry?

Drew: Name of Colin Mochrie's autobiography.
Ryan: (imitates grabbing a book off a shelf) How I Murdered Drew Carey.

Drew: Things written in the Whose Line bathroom
Ryan: (sits down then pretends to write) I give myself a thousand points.(Buzzer.) Ryan sticks hand out to flush toilet. Brad walks on stage pretends to unclog toilet and then flushes.

Drew: If songs were written about life's most embarassing moments
Ryan: (sings) Why can't I control my bowels?

Drew: If Carol Channing were president.
Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I never made love with that woman. I never had sexual affairs with her. [to Brad] Who the hell are you?[buzzer]

Drew: Worst world's subject for an interpritive dance.
Ryan: [making waving motion with his arms] Diarrhea: flows like a river.

Drew: Opening lines of foreign national anthems.
Ryan: Russia! Our women look like men!

Drew: What Santa left under Bill Clinton's tree
Ryan: (pretends to pick something up) Stain Remover?

Drew: (after numerous bald jokes at Colin's expense) Modern-day additions to the Ten Commandments.
Ryan: Thou shall not joke about bald people. (walks back and is high-fived by Colin.)

Drew: Besides an athletic event and a criminal getaway, times when people run as fast as they can.
Ryan: (stops and looks at camera with a disbelieving look.) Hoedown?

Drew: Professions where breaking into song is discouraged
Ryan: (pulls Colin with him) (straps him into a chair) [singing] We're...gonna...Fry you this morning, Fry you this morning!

Drew: Welcome signs when entering U.S. states.
Ryan: Welcome to Montana, there's no one here.
Ryan: [Returns to stage] Welcome to Hawaii, how'd you get here in a car?
Ryan: Utah welcomes you and your wives.

Drew: Bad ways for your optometrist to check your eyesight.
Ryan: [punches the air]

Drew: Things they never write songs about.
Ryan: [singing] You, and your constipation. [later] Why do dogs, always, hump my leg?

[Colin suddenly looses his balance. He grabs onto Ryan, so Ryan grabs his arm and pulls him back to balance.]
Ryan: I just saved your life.

Drew: Strange television shows for Mr. Rogers to make a guest appearance on.
Ryan: (as Mr. Rogers) Well, yes, I'd have to say that is my final answer.

Drew: Thing you can say about your computer but not your girlfriend
Ryan: Aw it's gone down again.
Ryan: Next year I'm getting rid of it and getting the new model.

Drew: What you would choose to do if you knew a huge meteor was about to hit the Earth.
Ryan: Guess what? I'm not doing a Hoedown tonight.

Drew: Dangerous things do while you're naked.
'Ryan: [pretends to open a door] Five minutes Mr. President

Drew: Questions you like to hear during the Ms. America Padget
Ryan: Can you pick up that quarter without using your hands?

Drew: Things heard on Hell's P.A. system.
Ryan: Attention, will the owner of a Pinto, license plate number...

Drew: Rejected "Jeopardy!" categories.
Ryan: Drew Carey's lingerie for 50.

Drew: Latin American sports announcers on their day off.
Ryan: I'll have a cheeseburger, some fries and a COOOOOOOOOOKE!
Ryan: [returns to stage] You forgot my COOOOOOOOOOKE!
Ryan: [returning again] Where the hell is my COOOOOOOOOOKE!?

Drew: Unlikely Olympic events.
Ryan: [to Brad] Alright, Jim, this is your last chance for the viagra vault.

Drew: Other people Dorothy might have met and what they would have ask The Wizard for.
Ryan: Hey Dorothy, I'm Drew Carey. I need some jokes to do in between scenes.

Drew: Least checked out library books.
Ryan: Hmm, Dirty Jokes And Beer. [written by Drew Carey.]

Drew: The good news and the bad news.
Ryan: The good news is, the surgery is over, and you're gonna look like a movie star! The bad news is that the movie star is Drew Carey!

Drew: Songs that kill the romance.
Ryan: [singing] I've got a cigar!

Drew: Unlikely ways to start a sermon.

Drew: If people broke into song in real life.
Ryan: [sings as he pretends to sit down] Where did all the toilet paper go?

Drew: Names of babies that will get their ass kicked.
Ryan: Aw, is Kickmyass hungry?

Drew: Name of Colin Mochrie's autobiography.
Ryan: (imitates grabbing a book off a shelf) How I Murdered Drew Carey.

Drew: Things written in the Whose Line bathroom
Ryan: (sits down then pretends to write) I give myself a thousand points.(Buzzer.) Ryan sticks hand out to flush toilet. Brad walks on stage pretends to unclog toilet and then flushes.

Drew: If songs were written about life's most embarassing moments
Ryan: (sings) Why can't I control my bowels?

Drew: If Carol Channing were president.
Ryan: [Mimicking Carol Channing] I never made love with that woman. I never had sexual affairs with her. [to Brad] Who the hell are you?[buzzer]

Drew: Worst world's subject for an interpritive dance.
Ryan: [making waving motion with his arms] Diarrhea: flows like a river.

Drew: Opening lines of foreign national anthems.
Ryan: Russia! Our women look like men!

Drew: What Santa left under Bill Clinton's tree
Ryan: (pretends to pick something up) Stain Remover?

Drew: (after numerous bald jokes at Colin's expense) Modern-day additions to the Ten Commandments.
Ryan: Thou shall not joke about bald people. (walks back and is high-fived by Colin.)

Drew: Besides an athletic event and a criminal getaway, times when people run as fast as they can.
Ryan: (stops and looks at camera with a disbelieving look.) Hoedown?

Drew: Professions where breaking into song is discouraged
Ryan: (pulls Colin with him) (straps him into a chair) [singing] We're...gonna...Fry you this morning, Fry you this morning!

Drew: Welcome signs when entering U.S. states.
Ryan: Welcome to Montana, there's no one here.
Ryan: [Returns to stage] Welcome to Hawaii, how'd you get here in a car?
Ryan: Utah welcomes you and your wives.

Drew: Bad ways for your optometrist to check your eyesight.
Ryan: [punches the air]

Drew: Things they never write songs about.
Ryan: [singing] You, and your constipation. [later] Why do dogs, always, hump my leg?

[Colin suddenly looses his balance. He grabs onto Ryan, so Ryan grabs his arm and pulls him back to balance.]
Ryan: I just saved your life.

Drew: Strange television shows for Mr. Rogers to make a guest appearance on.
Ryan: (as Mr. Rogers) Well, yes, I'd have to say that is my final answer.

Drew: Thing you can say about your computer but not your girlfriend
Ryan: Aw it's gone down again.
Ryan: Next year I'm getting rid of it and getting the new model.

Drew: What you would choose to do if you knew a huge meteor was about to hit the Earth.
Ryan: Guess what? I'm not doing a Hoedown tonight.

Drew: Dangerous things do while you're naked.
'Ryan: [pretends to open a door] Five minutes Mr. President

Drew: Dr. Seuss inspired pick-up lines
Ryan: Come home with me, I'm not scary. I'm really rich, I'm Drew Carey.
[comes back on the stage]
Ryan: Come sleep with me, sleep with me twice. I'd think that that'd be very nice. Lookey Lookey at the color of my shoe. You know what they say, yes it's true

Drew: The other Spice Girls
Ryan: I'm cilantro.

Drew: What the Whose Line's wives are thinking right now
Wayne: I love my husband, Wayne Brady.
[the crowd awws]
Ryan: I love her husband, Wayne Brady.

Drew: Things on Celebrity Fear Factor.
Ryan: [has a shocked look on his face] A French accent?
Ryan: [has a shocked look on his face] Hoedown?

Drew: Other things the first man on the moon might have said.
Ryan: Oooh, I hope I get back
Ryan: [walks in and looks at the soles of his shoes] OOOOOOH!

Drew: Statements if the first man on the moon was a celebrity.
Ryan: [mimicking Carol Channing] Well this is as dry and barren as I am!

Drew: Bad parental motivational speeches.
Ryan: Do you want to end up like me? [buzzer]
[returns to the stage]
Ryan: A teacher? A teacher? Honey prostitutes make twice that money!

Drew: Celebrities who shouldn't release rap records.
Ryan: (pretends to rap and do a Jimmy Stewart impression at the same time)

Drew: Things that make the audience break out cheering.
Ryan: In ten minutes we break out the liquor.
Ryan: Everyone get out your ticket stubs, we will now raffle off Drew Carey's Porsche.

Drew: Shows on which you wouldn't expect to see Barney the Dinosaur make a cameo on.
Ryan: [as Barney] Yes, that's my final answer.

Show Stopping Number

My friend, you're fired (buzz)
  • My friend, (pauses) you're fired
  • Working with you all boy I'm tired
  • Stealing stamps thats kind of heinous
  • I can't think straight since you grabbed my penis
I'm tired of poking holes in these things (buzz)
  • I'm tired of poking holes in these things
  • It doesn't ring ding-a-ding-dings
  • We didn't get the chef in we almost didn't get the hint
  • because drew choked on an altoid mint
This is no life for me (buzz)
  • This is no life for me
  • It's not my job and a job that i can see
  • I get forgotten there so much denial
  • In case you forget my name is Ryan

Weird Newscasters

  • (As an old man) I don't need to go to the board, I can feel it in my knees. It's going to rain tomorrow. Then it's going to be sunny. I can feel that in my butt.
  • [pointing at Drew] This one is the laziest of them all, but at least he makes money!
  • I've fallen and I can't get up!
  • (As Prince Charming) I'm sorry. There's dark clouds ahead and doesn't look like there will be a ray of sunshine in my life, unless I find the person who fits. [goes around audience looking for the right fit] TAW,TAW,TAW,DAH,AHH,AWH,AHH,DAH,NO,NO,NO,AH,Oh..hoo-NO,OHH,NA,GA,NA,DAH,DOH,DE,AWW,NAW. [comes to Drew and apparently finds a match] NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!WHY!!!! [starts to cry] WHY!!!!!!!!! [mimicks hanging himself dangling back and forth next to Drew.]
  • (As John Wayne) Well, thank you very much, Colin. As you can see, we got a beautiful weekend......IN STORE.
We also got a- (makes arrow sounds) ....INDIANS. [later]
  • I can't get on my horse! (tries to get on tv camera)
  • (As an Incan looking for a virgin to sacrifice, goes around the audience looking, apparently doesn't find anyone) WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! (Runs offstage)
  • (Ryan has just realised it is the first day of the Ryan hunting season. He mimics Charol Channing) I think you've got the wrong person.
  • "(Ryan is attacked by ferocious animals)"* (Shoves his hands into his pockets and flails them around) RATS! RATS! RATS! RATS! RATS ! RATS! (slows down his shaking) Rats. Raaaaats! Oh...Rats. (lipping) Back to you.
  • "(Ryan discovers that his weather map covers he gates of Hell and is desperate to keep the shut)"* (inside "Hell") AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! (mimics holding a remote) Friends. Can't stop watching Friends. Friends!.
"later" (talking to Drew) Gasp! So this is how you got two shows!
  • (Ryan's life flashes before his eyes) (singing a hoedown) Oh...We'll do another hoedown, this makes 300 now/ If I do another shouldn't I be proud/here's another hoedown that's commin' out of my head/if I do another I'd rather be dead! (starts to die)
  • (Ryan is rapidly descending the evolutionary scale) (acts like a monkey) OOOH! OOOH! OOOH! (sits down on the floor) (mimics Drew pushing the buzzer) ERRT! You each get a thousand points. Let's move on to Party Quirks.
  • (as an army drill sergeant) (points to a random guy) Where are you from? (the man replies Los Angeles) LOS ANGELES? There are only two things that come from Los Angeles! Steers and....(thinks for a second) YOU!!
  • (Ryan is Frankenstein looking for a mate) (low gruff voice) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! (walks towards Collin) EEEEWWWWWW!
  • (Ryan's weather map is everyone's body) (pointing at Kathy's body) There might be some clouds over the weekend. (walks over to drew) and there might be a small craft warning!
  • (Ryan is a Psycho with a chainsaw) We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon! (pretends to cut out Oregon from the map)

World's Worst

Hitchhiker to Give a Ride to
  • (mimes cocking a shotgun)
  • (sing Irish Drinking Song intro)
  • Thanksverymuch. Gogogogogo! (prenteds to look out the rear window)
  • You mind if I put in Michael Bolton?
  • Hi, I'm Michael Bolton.
Nightclub Act
  • And now with my appendix gone, all that's left is to sew me up.
  • Capital of Washington is Olympia. Capital of Oregon is Salem. Capital of California is Sacramento. Capital of Idaho is Boise. Capital of Nevada is- dahh! (Drew: Reno.)
  • (sings fanfare while tying his shoe)
  • Alright, if everybody's ready... I spy with my little eye something that is green. Green, ladies and gentlemen.
Person to be Married To
  • Can- can you just shave it up to the sholders?
  • I think I look better in this skirt than you do.
  • Oh, you're taking a bath? (pretends to use the toilet)
Person to be President
  • (as Scooby-Doo) Ruh-oh!
  • (as Mr. Rogers) Well, it's a beautiful day in the White House.
  • (as Charles Manson) I'd like to meet the new members of the Supreme Court. This is Tex and Squeaky...
Priest or Rabbi
  • What exactly is a "lap dance"?
  • I understand you've slept with three women. (whispering) He's slept with three women!
  • If you'll- turn to your hymn book, page- Go! Go! Go!
  • Today I'll be delivering the sermon as John Wayne. (as John Wayne) In the beginning...
  • Well, you're nuts!
  • No, please continue. (pretends to mock the patient)
  • Oh... Uh huh, yeah. (pretends to watch TV)
  • (pretending he's a straightjacket) Please, sit down.
Self-Help Instructional Video
  • Take the magazine in your left hand. Lower your pants- (buzz) Now read. Once again... (buzz)
  • Hi, I'm Drew Carey. Today, we're going to learn to walk backwards. Look behind you, look behind you while you're walking. While you're walking. There's a stair. Lift your foot onto the stair. Pushing yourself up onto the stair-
  • (pretends to stare at a wall) Ten more minutes and we can put on a second coat.
Super Bowl Halftime Show
  • And now, now, now, ladies and gentlemen, men, men... Hoedown, down, down, down.
  • (pretends to remove his thumb from his right hand)
Television Program
  • Welcome to a very special three hour hoedown.
  • Hey, it's time to play "What's In My Pants?"!
TV Advertisement
  • And if you act by midnight, we'll throw in one of Drew Carey's People Choice Awards.
  • Is your penis too small? Well, let you-- Aw (bleep)!
  • Are you bothered by diarrahea? I'll be right back!


  • I know I'm not built like most of the women around here, but I can hold my own. And I usually do.
  • The guy with hair was starting to come down!
  • I remember when I first received my draft notice for the Vietnam War in 1964 ... Unfortunately, I was only 5 years old at the time.
  • What do you call a Italian Nomad? "He's a Roman"!
  • We'll return to your regularly scheduled show, 'Touched By an Uncle', in just a moment.
  • Michael Jackson, terrific singer and a GREAT head coach.
  • There's nothing like butt toast and head eggs.
  • [After a song in Greatest Hits went too long] And you can vote for your favorite of those three endings.
  • [In a game of Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Colin: Who is this?
Ryan: It's your Dad.
Colin: Oh, Dad, hi.
Ryan: How's school?
Colin: Fine.
Ryan: Have you been studying your Math? And your...letters?
Colin: For God's sake, Dad, I'm thirty-four.
  • [after a game of Living Scenery with Playboy playmates]
Brad: Can Wayne and I play that game now? [audience laughter]
Drew: No.
Ryan: I don't think I could lift you.
  • (Ryan as Carol Channing whose head keeps getting stuck to things in Party Quirks)
Kathy: Can I help you at all? (Ryan's head stuck on carpet.)
Ryan: Is this shag? It's just gorgeous.
Kathy: Listen. I, I....
Ryan: What a wonderful floor.
Kathy: Listen, Is there something worse than having a depressed Carol Channing at your party?
Drew: Not quite.
Ryan: Oh mighty lord...(Head flies over to Drew's desk as the glass neon light decoration on the desk shatters on his head. Kathy and audience gasp in shock.)
Kathy: Are you OK?
Ryan: I'm fine.
Drew: (looks over his desk) Oh my God! Are you OK?
Ryan:Yes. (Drew buzzes, Wayne gets up and looks away)
Kathy:Oh, my god.
Ryan: I'm fine; it's okay...(as Drew bends down at Ryan's head, laughing hysterically) I'm good.
Ryan: I'm wouldn't have a suture around the house would you?
Kathy: Yes I actually do right here.
Ryan: (To Drew) Stop picking the glass in my hair!
Kathy:Carol, It is Carol?
Ryan: I used to be. I can't remember anymore. Tell me am I bleeding?
Drew: No, no your OK, you're not bleeding.
Ryan: I can't get off this because my....
Drew: Because his what keeps sticking to things.
Kathy: Because....
Ryan:Don't make me run into anything else!
Drew: Carol Channing who is what?
Kathy: Who is drunk as a skunk?
Ryan: No!
Drew: His blank keeps sticking to blank.
Kathy: Your head is velcro?
Ryan: No.
Drew:(Buzzes). Close enough. (Ryan and Cathy go back to their chairs respectively). Hey it's always funny when it happens to somebody else. (Ryan gives him a look.) Wow man, you went all out on that one.
Ryan:There better be extra points for this.
Drew:I'm sorry, we spent all the points replacing the glass!
Ryan:(To Colin) Was that lit?
Colin: Oh yeah it was. Would have been better if your head burst into flames. That would have been neat.
Drew: How many fingers am I holding up? (Switches from 3 to 2 to 1.)
Ryan: Four?
Drew: Close enough.
Ryan: How bout me? (Flips the bird, censored)
[during Questions Only]
Wayne: Ecuador.
Brad: What? [buzzes after a short pause]
Ryan: [takes Wayne's place] Ecuador?
[during Helping Hands with Whoopi Goldberg]
Ryan: Let me play a little song to you to describe what bein' a pirate's like.
Whoopi: Aye.
Ryan: [Colin picks up an accordian, and Ryan hums a few notes as if he's tuning] (singing, while Colin plays accordian furiously) We sail the sea at night, we sail upon the dark, we (babbles incoherently) upon the dark, I see the one above me, I sail along the sea, I work-a-work-a-work-a-blank-a, hey, go look, it's me!
Ryan: You know, Colin.
Colin: Yeah, Ryan.
Ryan: When I'm feeling romantic to the--with the wife, or to the wife...Sometimes she's sleeping.
Ryan: I think one of my favorite singers of all time was Liberace. He didn't sing a lot. He played, but sometimes he sang as well.
Colin: You knew him better than I did.
Ryan: I think...
[extended audience laughter and applause]
Ryan: But I think a style I like even more is done by his sister Mary. Mariachi music is one of my favorites.
  • [during World Worst, providing an example of the world's worst neighbor] Excuse me, I'm tapped into your cable. Would you mind changing it to channel 8?
  • [after a game of "Party Quirks," in which Ryan played a foal being born]
Drew Carey: Ryan "Anything for a laugh" Styles.
Ryan: That's how I got the job on the other show, remember?
  • [During Survival Show, when they were nominating who would be the next to leave] I voted for myself. I want to get the hell out of here!

Wayne Brady


  • [wearing a fly mask] I enjoy long walks... Poo!
  • [wearing a hat with the Confederate Flag on it] Wanna go down south?
  • [wearing a fire fighter's helmet] Damn! Baby got backdraft!
  • [wearing a George Bush mask, laughing] Ha, ha, ha, (takes off his shoe and starts counting his toes) One, two, three...
  • [wearing a chicken hat] My lovin's so good, it'll make your chicken run! (Low reaction from the audience. Drew buzzes.) See, it's a movie. (laughs, then throws the hat on the ground and runs offstage.)
  • [wearing a nun's hood] Guess what? You ain't gettin' none. (nun)
  • [wearing a hazmat hood] Now that's REAL safe sex!
  • [wearing a pope hat] I put the "puh" in pope.
  • [wearing a taxi driver's cap] (sighs) That'll be $12.95. (audience reacts) For the taxi cab ride! You guys are horrible!
  • [wearing a rainbow-striped hat] who wants some hot dog on a me?
  • [holding a trumpet] All the ladies say, "Blow, Satchmo, Blow!"
  • [wearing a Don King wig] Me and you, on a date, January 12th in Madison Square Garden.
  • [wearing a Bill Clinton mask] I'm looking for a girl who can keep her mouth shut.
  • [wearing a mountie hat] Wanna mount a mountie?
  • [wearing an army helmet the wrong way] Ow! (Drew: It's backwards.)[He puts it on right] What you laughing at, soldier?!
  • [wearing a parrot hat] RAWP! Polly wants some booty!
  • [wearing an African tribe hat] If you don't love me now, Uguanda.


I'm going to tell you folks a little tale
About how I won the battle of the scale
See my weight won't hurt me, my heart, it would break it
How I lost weight, I picture Drew standing naked

Thank goodness for my mom, that I was made
It was 27 years ago that my dad got laid
But, so you see, upon closer inspection
I'm standing here 'cause he didn't use protection

I met my girl at the zoo when that's no junk
I'm dating an elephant that she has a trunk
And I love her I give her my allegence
Why she dosn't want money she just works for peanuts

If I won the lottery I would do lots of good
I would do exactly what a friend should
Because you see I love you guys let me explain
I take all my money and buy Colin some rogain

I consider myself quite a fugal frella... [Brad starts to laugh] Shut up! Keep it going!

I'm a professor, I've got a Ph. D.,
I am so smart, no one is smarter than me,
I'm a professor, I've been one all night,
I'm a professor, I hope Chip guesses right.

Scenes from a Hat

Drew: Celebrity endorsements doomed to fail.
Wayne: [with a lisp] I'm Mike Tyson for Encyclopedia Britannica.

Drew: Things you shouldn't joke about with your girlfriend's father.
Wayne: (To Greg) No, really, Mr. Proops. She is like a banshee! (Audiences laughs) Really. (Howls) I'm like, "Ow, baby"! (Greg pretends to strangle Wayne)

Drew: Presidential slogans that will not get you elected.
Wayne: I'm Jesse Jackson...

Drew: U.S. cities that will never have a song written about them.
Wayne: (singing) Our arms are wide open at muscular huchi-halli Alabama; muscular huchi-halli Alabama; come on in, come on in!

Drew: Confusing battle cries
Ryan: Don't shoot 'til you see the whites!
Wayne: [runs toward Ryan pretending to hold a rifle]

Drew: Things you don't expect to hear when you put your ear to a seashell.
Wayne: [quickly] Put me down!

Drew: Things you don't want to see old people doing.
Wayne: [picks up phone] 911. What? [falls asleep]

Drew: Other people Dorothy might have met, and what they would have asked The Wizard for.
Wayne: Dorothy, I'm Ryan Stiles. Drew just fired me. Can I have a job?

Drew: Something you always wanted to tell your parents but couldn't... until now.
Wayne: Mom. Dad. I'm white.

Drew: Nightly bedside prayers of Whose Line cast members.
Wayne: Please Lord, don't let the Mr. Drew climb in my window.
Brad: Lord, please tell Ryan to stop wearing clown shoes.
Wayne: Lord, please give me ring-side tickets to see Ryan kick Brad's ass.

Drew: Hillbilly proverbs.
Wayne: A wife ain't nothing but just a sister that you hug.

Drew: Things bald men are sick of hearing.
Wayne: [to Colin] We need your head to bounce the laser off of to communicate with the satellite.
Wayne: [to Colin] No I can't. I just did one.
"Colin': No please its comedy.
Wayne: Will Johnny take me to the prom? [uses Colin's head as a magic 8 ball]

Drew: What God created at an off day?
Wayne: Hey, buddy! I'm Pauly Shore!

Drew: Things that sound inappropriate but really aren't.
Wayne: [holding chicken] Hi, I'm Farmer Dick and this is my prized cock.

Drew: Strange titles for celebrity autobiographies.
Wayne: [imitates grabbing a book off a shelf] James Brown - what the hell did he say?

Drew: If Famous Movie Lines Included Product Plugs.
Wayne: Miss Scarlett! I don't know nothing about burping no |Cabbage Patch Baby! [Pretends to hold one up]

Drew: Trivial reasons to hold news conferences.
Wayne: I'm here to report that Jimmy is no longer cracking corn, and I do care.
Wayne: I would now like to announce UPN's fall season.

Drew: Things you can say about the food you eat, but not your girlfriend
Wayne: Would you look at the mold on that.
Wayne: No one's gonna want those eggs!

Drew: Inappropriate anecdotes on a celebrity talk show.
Wayne: [Comes out and laughs] No, and so I left the body in the trunk, and everyone's like, "What's that smell?" And so-- [Buzzer]
Robin Williams: So I said, "Get off me, Grandma, I'm done!" [Leaves]
Wayne: [Pretends to drink a drink] And then, I'm looking through the window, and there's Robin and his Grandma!

Drew: What's really going through George W. Bush's mind during cabinet meetings.
Wayne: [Just stands silently]
Wayne: ...Thats where poo come from...

Drew: Difficult questions for mommy to answer
Wayne: Mommy. How come no one looks like me on Friends?

Drew: If songs were written about life's most embarrassing moments.
Wayne: [Singing] We made love at 5:06, and I was done by 5:07.

Drew: The good news and the bad news
Wayne: [Pretending to read a newspaper] Ah, the elections are finally over! [Turns the page] President BUSH?!

Drew: Things you can say about your business, but not your girlfriend.
Colin: It's open 24 hours.
Wayne: I just leased some space to a buddy of mine out back. [buzzer] Parking in rear.

Drew: The winning entries in the Hillbilly Poetry Contest.
'Wayne: [with a slight lisp] When you're gone, it's you I miss, no one I love more than my mama's sis.
Ryan: People say our love is a bunch of fooey, but when I want you, I yell "Suey".

Drew: Things you don't expect to see in bed.
Wayne: Colin?
[Colin apears next to Wayne]
Colin: Teach me how to sing like you!
Ryan: [comes into the stage] What's his problem?
Colin: I don't know

Drew: Inappropriate times to show off your stomache muscles.
Wayne: (Pretends to cradle a baby in his arms. To Colin whispering) Mr. Johnson. Hey, look, look at your little one. (Rubs stomache) Huh, and look at these. Huh, you like that, baby? You like that, ba-- (Leaves)

Drew: Thing that will make the audience break out cheering.
Ryan:: Alright, in ten minutes we break out the liquor.
Wayne: (Pretends to speak through a megaphone) I'm the liquor!

Drew: When it's unwise to say "I don't care" to her.
Wayne: (sitting in a chair in front of the TV) Yeah, I love you, too.
'Drew: Scenes from Wayne's real life.
Drew: People you wish would just shut up.
Wayne: (pantomimes pulling a suggestion out of the hat) "People you wish would just shut up."

Drew: Things you shouldn't do when confronted by a street gang.
Wayne: Okay, okay, wait. Don't- don't hit me. Look, here, I've got money. Wait, that's a hundred, that's a fifty - wait, wait, hold on - I've got... here's two bucks.

Drew: If Celebrities were the first to walk on the moon.
Wayne: (Pretending to walk in low gravity) Whoooooooooooo! (Moonwalks)


  • [as Chucky the evil doll] I don't know, toots! Why don't you tell me about the last time you grappled with six inches of plastic! ... I mean my height!
  • [in a game of Song Titles - Don't Feed the Animals] Don't feed the animals. I'll hurt you.
  • [after singing a song to Richard Simmons] I feel ten pounds lighter and just a little dirty.
  • [singing a song to Howard as a member of the Village People] HOWARD! H-O-R! HOWARD! W-A-R-D!
  • [after performing "Song Styles" as a strip-o-gram] I feel so dirty!
  • [laughing, after Colin's "there's blood in my stool" gag during Irish Drinking Song] Improv and a medical report!

Guest Stars

Scenes from a hat

Drew Carey: What Robin Williams is really thinking right now.
Robin Williams: I have a career! What the hell am I doing here?

Drew Carey: Hollywood roles as played by Carol Channing.
Robin Williams: [Mimicking Carol Channing] Surely you must be the son of God!

Drew Carey: Things you wouldn't expect to hear from a seashell.
Robin Williams: Who's yer daddy?

Drew Carey: If entertainers worked at funeral homes.
Robin Williams: [In Australian accent] Is this the loved one? [Pretends to place two things on the body] All right, start the truck, Johhny. Wow! Look at him move! Isn't it amazing, ladies and gentlement? With just six volts, you can make your relatives dance again!

Drew Carey: Bad topics for an interpretive dance.
Robin Williams: [Crouches on the floor] Impotence... is a horrifying thing. [Stands with Wayne behind him, then hops off-stage]

Drew Carey: Bad things to yell during sex.

Drew Carey: If Famous Movie Lines Included Product Plugs.
Jeff Davis: Frankly my dear, I don't give a Spam. [Smiles and pretends to hold out a can]

Living Scenery

Richard Simmons: I'll be the prop! I'll be all the props for these men!
Drew Carey: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that...

Multiple cast members


Wayne is in love with Chip
Wayne: Hi, Chip.
Chip: I think I need the drink!
Everyday I walk by of your place of work
And I see your bronze physique and hair and it makes my heart hurt
In my head if I could bite you I would take a little nip
Because I'm the chocolate and you're the chip!
Oh Wayne I think you're sweet, I really feel ya
I can tell right now you've got Chip-o-phelia
But there's one thing I'm saying to you boy
Right now Wayne, CHIPS AHOY! (runs away)

Greatest Hits

Ryan: Hey Colin!
Colin: What, Ryan?
Ryan: How much money would you pay for a two-CD set like this?
Colin: Well I don't know, 39 dollars?
Ryan: ... Unfortunately it's $69.95.

Ryan: How much would you pay for a 5-CD set like this? Or even a 50-CD set like this?
Colin: Why, I'd pay up to $50,000... but I'm an idiot!
Ryan: And you're from Canada, so with the exchange...
Colin: I'm still an idiot!

Ryan: We put in fifty songs about college in fifty CDs!
Colin: How many CD is that a song?
Ryan: Well that's... [mimes thinking for a minute counting while Colin shook his head]
Colin: It's a good thing you're an actor.

Ryan: Hey Colin!
Colin: Yeah?
Ryan: What comes to mind when I say Ricky Ricardo and great cigars?
Colin: Oh, Tapioca! [audience laughs]
Ryan: [paused for a moment] Really? Why's that?
Colin: Wasn't that his big song? 'TAPIOOOOCA! TAPIOOOOCA!'
Ryan: [starts laughing] No, Colin, I'm talking about Cu-- [starts cracking up] I'm talking about Cuba, Colin-- [cracks up again, after a long pause],
Colin: Cuba! It's a small island.
Ryan: [talks between laughs] It is....[still laughing] Why don't you tell the people about it?

Colin: You know, let's leave Cuba behind for a second. Let's move on to another island.
Ryan: Alright.
Colin: Where some of my favorite music can be found, Ska!
Ryan: [gasps] Ska! Like a bunch of crows, SKA!!
Colin: Tapioca!!
Ryan: Hey Colin!
Colin: Yeah?
Ryan: What comes to mind when I say tapioca?
Colin: Oh, the magical land of Cuba!
Ryan: Right you are... that's right the Cubo-The Cuban Missile Crisis, the Bay of Pigs, which, oddly enough, is the same name as a bar that I drank at last night.

Ryan: Hi!
Colin: Hi!
Ryan: How are you?
Colin: Fine. We're...
Ryan: We don't know what you're watching, so we're not going to tell you when we're going to return you to it.
Colin: Oh! We would... We're watching animal porn! [cracks up, covering his face]
Ryan: What?
[buzzer sounds]
Colin: "Mary Had a Little Lamb" will be right back in just a second. But ja-
[buzzer sounds again]
Ryan: [cracks up as does the audience]
Colin: I'm sorry, I apologize.
Ryan: [After he finishes laughing, to Drew] Wher-ah-so happy. We're watching animal porn!

Ryan: We laugh so much on our jobs here. That's because we have the best job in the world. Selling you CD's about things you don't care about. For instance, this CD pack is loaded with songs about the motorcycle.
Colin: [poorly imitates a motorcycle] That would be-
Ryan: Apparently, Colin's never ridden one.

Ryan: Hey Col.
Colin: Yeah, Ry?
Ryan: Here's another riddle for ya.
Colin: Alright.
Ryan: What kind of bird always says the name of our next band?
Colin: Oh. I guess a...tern? An Arctic tern?
Ryan: And what sound does an Arctic tern make?
Colin: (in a parrot-like voice) "BACKSTREET BOYS"?
Ryan: [starts laughing] No! No Colin, that's wrong...

Ryan: Hey Colin, what comes to your mind when I say "ska"?
Colin: Sandpaper!
(Ryan stares at Colin)
Colin:...Cause that's the sound that you get from scraping wood!
(pretends to scrape wood)
Colin: Ska, ska, ska!
Ryan: Hey Colin, what do you like on your chips? (hinting music style: salsa)
Colin: why, a little bit of paper.
(awkward beat)
Ryan: (annoyed) say the papers a little bland, what do you put on that?
Colin: A grain of salt!
Ryan: -sa, saltsa! See, salsa! My favorite music style!

Ryan: Hey Colin
Colin: Yeah Ryan?
Ryan: What comes to your mind when I say cowpoke?
(Colin stares at camera looking very disturbed)
Ryan: (giggling) -wait, wait, wait, let me fill in the blank for you, I was thinking of cowboy.
Colin: Oh, me too.

(songs of the cowboy)
Ryan: Styles come and Styles go, and they are all on this cd set. Including that long forgotten style, Grunge. Remember Grunge?
Colin: (bluntly) yeah.
Ryan:…Well it's on this CD set.
Colin: Well I didn't know you wanted me to explain-
Ryan: You could help me out a little bit, I can't sell the CDs all by myself.
Colin: ...I was a big grunge fan.
Ryan: There we go!
(after Grunge song)
Colin: It was then that I realized that it wasn't Grunge I was into.
Ryan: Hey Colin, what comes to your mind when I say Do-wop?
Colin: Apple Pie.
(Ryan stares at Colin)
Colin: Cause the chef's name was Dew Op!
Ryan: Do you like Do-wop, Colin?
Colin: Yeah, I also like grunge.

(songs of marriage)
Colin: It is called I'm the Groom
Wayne: I'm gonna get married, I'm gonna find myself a guy...
(Wayne collapses into laughter and so does the musicians)
Brad: The band's had a little too much to drink!
Ryan: That's a very special song of this CD-set cause that's the exact moment they broke up as a group!
(The audiences especially, Wayne, Brad and the musicians cracked up)

Improbable Mission

The infamous "Emir of Groovefunkistan" game.
Ryan: Got a tape in the mail.
Colin: [groans] I thought we were out of the spy business...
Ryan: We're never out of the spy business, Colin, not as long as tapes keep coming to the door.
[Ryan plays the tape]
Greg: [as peppy marketer] How would YOU like to make money in Real Estate?
[Ryan flips the tape over]
Greg: Good morning, gentlemen.
Colin: Good morning.
Greg: How are you today?
Colin: Fine.
Greg: How's your cold, Ryan?
Ryan: It's cleared up.
Greg: Well all right then...
Colin: Like what am I, nothing?
Greg: I'd love to chat but I'm busy being on the...
[Ryan fast forwards]
Greg: Gentlemen, today's mission is of the greatest importance. The Emir of Groovefunkistan, a small Middle Eastern Nation is coming to visit the President. He'll be arriving in Washington D.C., however, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your job is to go to his hotel, The George C. Clark hotel, you don't know it never mind, and clean a new burnoose for the Emir of Groovefunkistan. This tape will self destruct as soon as you throw it out the...
[Ryan throws it out the window]
Greg: BOOM!
Ryan: Thank God we picked window!
Colin: Yes. Well, we've got a mission, let's get to it.
[dramatic music]
Ryan: I can't remember where the hotel is, you've got your Thomas Guide?
Colin: Yes. [opens guide]
Ryan: E5. It's gonna be tough. Oh my God, my car's in the shop.
Colin: Well, luckily they've marked every street and town with big numbers and letters.
Ryan: Wait a minute...we're at E4 already.
Colin: Quick, E5!
Ryan: We're here! I didn't realize we lived so close to the hotel!
Colin: No kidding, we never look out the window except to throw burning tapes.
Ryan: We can't go in the front door, they'll spot us.
Colin: Yes, we better climb up through that window there that seems impossibly high.
Ryan: We've got nothing to get up there with, I didn't bring any rope.
Colin: Wait, your hair. You know it's just one long strand.
Ryan: You said you'd never mention that again.
Colin: Reel us up.
Ryan: [as they're going up] By the way I love you.
Colin: Stop it!
Ryan: Patio door's locked. There's people inside. We're gonna have to make a diversion so they come out and I can sneak in and get the... garment.
Colin: FIRE!
Ryan: That was easy. Now what was it?
Colin: A burnoose.
Ryan: Any idea what it look like?
Colin: It looks like... a burnoose. There it is.
Ryan: Here's one. We've gotta wash it somehow. There's no. We can't go down stairs... the bath tub! We'll fill the bathtub up with water.
Colin: Wait, the faucet's rigged!
Ryan: What?
Colin: The faucet's rigged!
Ryan: In what way?
Colin: With an explosive! How long have you been a spy?
Ryan: I didn't see that! I guess they really don't want people taking baths in this room.
Colin: Why don't we just take the faucet off and flush it?
Ryan: How's that gonna work? BOOM. Oh, stand back! It's filled up the tub!
Colin: Perfect!
Ryan: We're gonna need some type of detergent.
Colin: Detergent, detergent... the cat! No that's no good!
Ryan: Wait a minute, bars of soap, there's nothing but bars of soap. But we have to agitate it in some way.
Colin: [Colin gets in the tub] Give me the beans.
Ryan: It's working! It's clean! [Starts trying to blow it dry]
Colin: It's taking to long! The Snackipark of Imar will be here.
Ryan: We've gotta dry it ourselves...
Colin: The cat!
[Ryan begins hysterically laughing]
Ryan: The cat? Stop it with the cat...
Colin: It's clean. But it needs some fabric softener.
Ryan: [through laughing fits] Fabric softener?!
Colin: Well, you can't have static cling. The burnoose will stick to his. [Colin looks around] The cat!
[Ryan's laughing hysterically]
Colin: Is anyone coming?
Ryan: [laughing] No.
Colin: It's perfect, it's perfect!
Ryan: Good!
Colin: You'd better model it!
Ryan: Oh, it fell in the water again! Wait a minute, the cat!
Colin: The cat's wet now!
Colin: Wait, give me a match!
[lights the burnoose on fire]
Colin: Ohh! [slaps forehead]
Colin: It's okay, I have an extra burnoose!
Ryan: I couldn't stop laughing!

Ryan: We don't have a flower!
Colin: I'll try my Origami!
Ryan: Origami? Is that some kind of fancy-(changes tone) It's beautiful!

Ryan: How do we cook this?
Colin: Wait! Your microwave butt!
Ryan: What?
Colin: Your microwave butt!
Ryan: Do me a favor.
Colin: What?
Ryan: Set it on 'light'.

Ryan: (walks on) We got a mission.
Greg: Good morning gentlemen. How are you?
Colin: Fine.
Greg: Really?
Colin: Do we have a mission, or...?
Greg: I have a mission of the utmost importance. The king of Kerblang- the king of coming to Washington, where he wishes to play croquet with the Vice President. The lawn in front of the White House must be manicured down to a fine sheen. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to mow the lawn, using any technology you have available. If you or any of your team are caught or killed, the Secretary will say something awful about you at your funeral. This message will turn into a bird and fly away right NOW!
Ryan: We got a mission!
(shakes hands with Colin, Dramatic music starts)
Ryan: How far is it to the White House?
Colin: about...(pulls out map)... 786 miles!
Ryan: We don't have that kind of time!
Colin: Yeah, but if you go the other direction it's right next door!
Ryan: Right!
(starts "running")
Ryan: We're there! Wait, how do we get in?
Colin: Quick, hand me a chocolate bar!
(Ryan does so)
Colin: (start's eating it) How are we gonna get in?

Irish Drinking Song

Got pregnant
Wayne: I once went out with a guy
Greg: I took him to the movies
Colin: Things got out of hand
Ryan: It really was quite groovies
Wayne: We went back to my place
Greg: And then it got intense
Colin: Boy we had a lot of fun
Ryan: I had to put up a fence!
Greg: I didn't have what I needed
Colin: Boy we had some fun
Ryan: Boy we did and we made a mistake
Wayne: I was the unlucky one
Greg: When I got home that night
Colin: My ovaries did swell
Ryan: I puffed up like Jiffy Pop
Wayne: I'm a dude! What the hell!?
Colin: I started getting fatter
Ryan: I dilated there
Wayne: I had me baby
Greg: Right in me underwear
Colin: Boy it was painful
Ryan: The head started to crown
Wayne: He turned around and said "Dad!"
Greg: "I'm Colin Mochrie town!"
Ryan: I slapped him on the butt there
Wayne: And then I slapped his head
Greg: And when I slapped his bottom
Colin: I slapped the doctor instead
Ryan: I called my boy Roy
Wayne: He looked good
Greg: And when I got him home that night
Colin: You can get poo from food!
(Wayne, Ryan and Greg all crack up leaving Colin to finish the song)

Breaking up
Wayne: Today I'm breaking up with her
Chip: She's really got to go
Colin: I have a sense of dread
Ryan: I'm dating a guy named Joe
Wayne: Because Joe won't leave me
Chip: And that man won't shave
Colin: But today he's got to go
Ryan: He's the man I crave
Chip: I'll meet him in a diner
Colin: And give him one small drink
Ryan: I'll give him a diamond ring
Wayne: Leave, what do you think?
Chip: Well Joe won't be so sad then
Colin: I figure he'll take it well
Ryan: We'll run away together
Wayne: And then we'll dance so well
Colin: I sat Joe right down
Ryan: He said "I do"
Wayne: I said "I can't love you"
Chip: I'm leaving you
Colin: Please don't be angry
Ryan: And Joe started to cry
Wayne: He cried "Boo-hoo-hoo"
Chip: The tears were in his eye
Ryan: Oh now I'm alone
Wayne: And Joe is long gone
Chip: And so I read my diary
Colin: I'll just sing a song
Ryan: But that's the way I like it
Wayne: I like being alone
Chip: Oh sure sometime I missed him
Colin: Joe had a nice bone
(Before they could end the song, all of them cracked up, Ryan and Chip walked away and Laura plays off key.)
Wayne: (After the music stopped) We're on TV!
Colin: Not what I meant to say!

Passed wind
Wayne: My date, she was in front of me
Chip: As pretty as could be
Colin: She was the love of my life
Ryan: My gas came out, WEE HEE!
Wayne: It started to rumble
Chip: It felt kind of neat
Colin: Boy, it was so horrible
Ryan: I dropped right off my feet
Chip: She said, "What is the matter?
Colin: "Are you feeling fine?"
Ryan: I had to lie to her that day
Wayne: I have things up my behind
Chip: She picked me up so quickly
Colin: And took me out the door
Ryan: That was he big mistake
Wayne: I started walking sore
Colin: She took me to the doctor
Ryan: She took me to the cops
Wayne: She took me to the judges
Chip: Oh, the gas! It wouldn't stop!
Colin: It just kept emitting
Ryan: The paper said it was so
Wayne: It became a nation-wide epidemic
Chip: The wind began to blow
Ryan: And now I'm world famous
Wayne: Everyone knows my name
Chip: They all say, "He's a comin'!"
Colin: My passing gas is my fame
Ryan: I'll move on in history
Wayne: What is a guy to do
Chip: When you are famous like me?
Colin: Oops! I pooed!

Had a lobotomy
Wayne: I had a lobotomy
Jeff: And now I'm not so nuts
Colin: They took away half my brain
Ryan: Now I eat cigarette butts
Wayne: I am not too bright
Jeff: Now I'm kind of sane
Colin: I am really stupid
Ryan: Hey, is that the rain?
Jeff: I used to go down on the streets
Colin: I used to have a scar
Ryan: Now I ask for money
Wayne: And I chase cars. Woof-woof!
Jeff: When I come into your town
Colin: I like to shout a lot
Ryan: I run around and scream a lot
Wayne: Wow! This is hot!
Colin: Oh, I feel much better
Ryan: I think I'll go back home
Wayne: And then after I'm finished
Jeff: I'll marry a lawn gnome.
Colin: Boy, that'll be so beautiful
Ryan: As happy as can be
Wayne: Because I don't care too much, you see
Jeff: For my lobotomy
Ryan: I really need a job now
Wayne: I look in the paper
Jeff: But I can never find nothing
Colin: I have a scraper
Ryan: But I'll keep on looking
Wayne: I'll look until I can see
Jeff: If you want someone who's nuts
Colin: Be a host on TV

Yelled out the wrong name in bed
Wayne: One night I was gettin' freaky
Drew: [stammers] With my lr-girl Elaine
Colin: Boy, we had some fun
Ryan: And then, [babbles loudly]
[Drew and Wayne crack up]
Colin: Meow!!
[Everybody cracks up while the music temoprarily stops and starts again]
Ryan: I've lost track of the story
Wayne: I don't know what has happened
Drew: She wrote me a letter
Colin: My underwear is snappin'
Ryan: I think there was a girl involved
Wayne: That's what I'm thinkin'
Drew: I don't know what to say
Colin: MEOW!!!
[Everybody but Colin cracks up and Colin finishes the song]

Wayne: Today I put on my cap
Kathy: And then I had a drink
Colin: I'm going to get my diploma
Ryan: I know how to think
Wayne: I'm going to walk down the aisle
Kathy: My mom and dad will be so proud
Colin: I am so happy
Ryan: There she is, she's loud
Kathy: This day's finally come, my friend
Colin: The gown is long and flowing
Ryan: I'm going to get a good job
Wayne: To DeVry I'm going
Kathy: After work I'll go to school
Colin: I study really hard
Ryan: Then I have some wife and kids
Wayne: And then I'll read the Bard
Colin: Today is my first day
Ryan: And I am so proud
Wayne: I am a good worker
Kathy: And yet, I'm drunk as a dowd
Colin: I work so hard
Ryan: To get to this day
Wayne: I'm glad I graduated
Kathy: And wish I wasn't gay
Ryan: Today I just got laid off
Wayne: Oh, good grac'
Kathy: Graduation's a far memory
Colin: I have to go to a new place
Ryan: I have to find a new job
Wayne: What will I do?
Kathy: I'll get the beer nozzle knob
Colin: There's blood in my stool!
(Then, Wayne and Ryan cracked up while Drew just realized what Colin means)
[After the performance, Drew keeps staring at Colin]
Kathy: What? That totally makes sense to me.
Ryan: Oh god!
Wayne: Improv and a medical report
Ryan: Well, you know it was supposed to rhyme with 'do'
Colin: 'Poo' I guess, but I didn't want to go that route...
[Wayne cracks up]
Colin: Graduating can make you nervous
Kathy: Yeah!
Colin: It can do stuff in your...
Kathy: No, I like when it was real!
Colin: Yeah!
Drew: I'm not giving any points for that one! No way!
Colin: I shouldn't be the last person.

Got mugged
Wayne: I took my lass on a date
Chip: We went out for the night
Colin: As we hit the parking lot
Ryan: I got into a fight
Wayne: Scuffled, he took my wallet
Chip: And ran away so fast
Colin: I started crying
Ryan: (thinks for a second)...A stone I passed
[Everyone cracks up, especially Wayne as he cracks up and all of them have to repeat their chant twice except Wayne]
Chip: I screamed just like a lassie
Colin: I ran right after him
Ryan: I jumped into my car
Wayne: The mugger's name was Tim
Chip: I put upon my siren
Colin: And it roared out loud
Ryan: He came to a stop
Wayne: And beat me in front of a crowd
Colin: I decided to take action
Ryan: I hit him with a club
Wayne: I hit him where the sun don't shine
Chip: He said, "Hey, watch it, Bub!"
Colin: And then he ran away from me
Ryan: I followed him
Wayne: I became a hero
Chip: And my name is Tim
Ryan: I still hear from him
Wayne: From often
Chip: He writes a little letter
Colin: It's as soft as cotton
Ryan: Someday, I'll write back
Wayne: He is my best friend
Chip: And now we both are pen pals
Colin: (quickly, couldn't really finish line) He put my stone back in my end
(Everyone cracked up except Colin. Colin just finished the song while Chip and Wayne (still laughing) tries to finish the in the middle song.)
[ everyone especially Drew who still cracks up]
Chip: 'He put my stone in my end'!
Ryan: (tries to sing in an irish drinking song version) "Put my stone back in my end! Oh..."
Wayne: Now that is a good friend. "Is this yours?" (showing hand pointing to the camera)
Ryan: That was smooth!
Colin: Try doing that, Cole Porter!

Slept with an ugly woman
Wayne: Once when I was celebratin'
Brad: I went to bed
Colin: I had too much to drink
Ryan: Woke up to an ugly head
Wayne: She turned over
Brad: And I saw her face
Colin: I screamed in surprise
Ryan: And I sprayed her with mace
Brad: I jumped 'round right away
Colin: And put on all my clothes
Ryan: And then I ran from the house
Wayne: I hit her, I do suppose
Brad: But she chased right after me
Colin: She got into her car
Ryan: She didn't get there
Wayne: She looked like Jamie Farr
Colin: Although she was so ugly
Ryan: I took her anyway
Wayne: I use her to scare children away
Brad: ...What the hay.
Colin: Boy, it really worked good
Ryan: I remember that day
Wayne: That I took her to the dog park
Brad: [stammers] What the hay!
Ryan: I tried to forget it
Wayne: I tried to drink a lot
Brad: Because she was so ugly
Colin: [stammers and mumbles incoherently] She needed a [babbles] spot
Ryan: Then the day would come again
Wayne: That I'd meet her
Brad: I was so scared
Colin: It looked like someone had beat her
[Wayne and Ryan continue the chorus while Brad cracks up and Colin buries his face in his free hand in shame]

Press Conference

Category: Colin is Santa Claus announcing his retirement.
Brad: Don't you feel bad that you're going to disappoint everyone?
Colin: Ah, screw 'em!
Brad: Uh, you were quoted as referencing a "ho"? Is this some sort of sex scandal we're not aware of?
Colin: Yes, and I admit, there were three of them.
Wayne: What about all your animal friends?
Colin: Hey! Animal friends are there to be animal friends! If they can't handle being a carpet...(the audience groans)...I may have said too much.

Category: Colin is Batman announcing he is coming out of the closet
Wayne: [sneezes]
Colin: Bless you.
Wayne: Thank you.
Colin: And thank you for coming.
Ryan: How did you keep this hidden for so long?
Colin: Well, extra wide pants. I think that's a natural occurrence of that.
Wayne: Do you have an affinity for the rubber and the cowl?
Colin: Well, I think that's a given. Otherwise, would I be doing what I'm doing? I don't think so, no. Rubber! Cowl! Rubber! Cowl!
Ryan: How's the partner feel about this?
Colin: Of course, he is a little worried, because he depends on me for a lot of the income, but uh... I'm not sure, but I may want to rephrase that later.
Brad: You might want to rephrase that now.
Wayne: Will you still continue to slide up and down the pole?
Colin: Well...not as much, because I have bruised my dynamic duo.

Category: Colin is Noah announcing he's eaten all the animals on the ark
Wayne: With an attitude like that, why were you the chosen one?
Colin: Because I had the boat.
Wayne: Shouldn't you have packed more provisions so you wouldn't have to take it out on the elephants?
Colin: Let me tell you something about elephants: they ASKED for it.

Category: Colin is the first astronaut to make love on the moon.
guest star Kathy Griffin: During the act, how high did you actually get?
Colin: About 5 feet off the ground. Beating my old record by 2 feet!
Wayne: Did the Russians watch?
Colin: Uh, they tried to dock. All I say, the Mir, the merrier!
Wayne: So, what it by the sea of tranquility?
Colin: It was by the mountains of happiness.
Wayne: Exactly how long did you train before you were able to do this?
Colin: You know, I didn't train for as long as people might think. Uh, ten minutes, tops.
Ryan: How many times?
Colin: Well, fifteen. You know, I had a bad cold. Usually, I can go 40-50 times.


[Ryan and Drew's Prop: Two red disks, each with a pole sticking out]
[Colin and Wayne's Prop: A canoe shell]
(Wayne and Colin have their prop behind them)
Wayne: Two peas in a pod.
(Ryan's stamping his props on the floor, with Drew watching)
Ryan: They'll gonna be looking for this elephant for weeks.
(Wayne's wearing his prop behind him while Colin runs in place)
Wayne (in a slow voice): Alright, Mr. Hare.
(Drew's holding one prop near his cheek, disk side facing the audience)
Drew: Mom, I can't go to the prom with this zit on my face.
(Colin's holding his prop on his back)
Colin: I hate being an ant.
(Ryan and Drew are both holding one prop, pretending to spin them. Ryan sings a fanfare while trying to spin both.)
(Wayne holds his prop in front of him, then moves it while making a squeaking noise)
(Ryan holds both props like a barbell and pretends to lift it while Drew cheers on)
(Colin hold his prop near his pants)
Colin: Well, Eve, I'm flattered, but a fig leaf would have been fine.
(Ryan passes one prop to Drew like an Olympic torch)
(Wayne is in his prop)
Colin: Hurry, John Smith, hurry.
(Ryan is holding one prop in each hand while Drew lays on the floor)
Ryan: Clear. (slaps both props like a defibrulator)
(Wayne holds his prop behind him facing the audience, then turns around)
Wayne: So, Mr. Bond... (buzz)
(Drew holds up both props)
Drew: Hey, look at the new chairs ABC sent us. (Puts them on the floor)

[Ryan and Kathy's Prop: A four-fingered hand]
[Colin and Wayne's Prop: A green anchor-looking thing]
(Ryan holds up his prop)
Ryan (chanting): We're number four! We're number four!
(Colin holds up his prop near his nose)
Colin: Got a Kleenex?
(Kathy holds here prop near her chest)
Ryan: Cathy, you're getting away with this implant thing.
(Wayne holds his prop near his left leg and hops on it)
Wayne: Mr. Scrooge? (Colin kicks the prop and Wayne falls)
(Ryan holds up his prop over his head)
Ryan: What do you mean punk's dead?
(Colin tries to hand his prop to Wayne)
Colin: You ordered some green "T"?
(Ryan holds up his prop on the floor while crouching down. Kathy pretends to water a plant while Ryan sprouts)
(Colin holds up his prop on his left arm and laughs like Popeye)
(Ryan holds up his prop again, this time holding back two "fingers", making a peace sign)
Ryan (chanting): No more war! No more war!
(Wayne blows through his prop)
Wayne: Ricola!
(Ryan holds his prop over his face, gobbling like a turkey, while Kathy pretends to chase him)
(Colin holds up his prop over his left shoulder while Wayne is on the left side)
Colin: And it looks like the Hollyweed Freeway is all jammed up...
Wayne: Hollywood!
Colin: Hollywood, yeah, yeah, whatever.
(Ryan is holding his prop and makes it touch Kathy)
Ryan: Hey... Sorry, I'm all hands.
(Colin is rotating his prop again)
Colin: Next time, get a smaller bottle of wine!
(Ryan is squatting and giving signals on his left hand while holding his prop in his right hand)
(Colin is holding his prop around him with Wayne in the back)
Colin: I don't know why two of us have to be on the paper route.

[Drew and Ryan's prop: A orange cone on a stick]
[Wayne and Chip's prop: Two blue waves]
(Chip rotates one prop on Wayne's back, making grinding noises. Wayne acts like a robot)
(Drew and Ryan are holding their prop over their heads)
Ryan: If we were thinner, we'd be dry.
(Chip and Wayne hold a prop just below their heads, raising and lowering their heads throughout)
Wayne: Rose! (makes gurgling noises)
Chip: My heart will go on.
(Holding his prop in his right hand, Drew pretends to ride Ryan, who makes galloping noises)
(Wayne holds both props in front of him)
Wayne: Today's show brought to you by the number 8.
(Ryan spins his prop)
Ryan: (holding it up and handing it to Drew) And there's your cotton candy.
(Wayne and Chip are sitting down, their props near their legs)
Chip: I wonder what it's like up there on the land.
(Ryan is pounding his prop on the ground)
Ryan: You must tell the English to leave now... while I make the butter!
(Chip and Wayne are holding one prop over their heads, making ram noises. They collide into each other)
(Drew is holding his prop in his right hand)
Drew: Eh, what's up, doc?
(Wayne is holding both props under his armpits)
Wayne: Oui, I am from France.
[BAD JOKE ALERT] (Drew is handing his prop to Ryan)
Drew: I hope you like this ring. It's one karat. [carrot]

[Ryan and Jeff's prop: two silver hooks]
[Colin and Wayne's prop: A pillow with a spring sticking out]
(Jeff is trying to hold both props on the floor)
Jeff: This escalator doesn't go aynwhere.
(Colin holds his prop over his head)
Wayne: (Hillbilly accent) We're gonna have enough moonshine for seven years, pa! (Colin squeals in delight)
(Ryan and Jeff are both holding their props against their chest)
Ryan: No, I'm the Riddler.
(Wayne sits on the floor, making snake charmer music while lift the spring on his prop. Colin watches)
(Jeff holds one prop against each ear and makes an elephant noise)
(Colin holds up his prop)
Colin: Another helping of pig butt?
(Ryan holds one prop against his head)
Ryan: Hey, you're the one who came to a loan shark.
(Wayne holds his prop over his head and makes Jewish-sound music)
(Ryan and Jeff each hold one prop in front of their mouths and imitate a saxophone)
(Colin is holding his prop over his butt)
Wayne: Come here, Curious George.
(Ryan is holding one prop against his mouth while Jeff imitates a fishing reel)
(Colin is holding his prop flatly in front of him)
Colin: We need a smaller computer.
Wayne: Shut up.
(Jeff holds both props in front of him, making a heart, and pretends to sing the "I Love Lucy" theme)
Ryan: (pretending to write in from of Jeff's face) "I Love Lucy".
(Colin holds his prop)
Colin: How did I go bald? Let's show on this model.
(Ryan holds one prop in front of both ears)
Ryan: (British accent) Yes, well someday, I'll be king of England.

[Ryan and Wayne's prop: Two stacks of four black-gray donuts]
[Colin and Greg's prop: A pair of yellow shields with a hole cut out]
(Colin and Greg are wearing their props on their heads)
Greg: So did we elect a new pope yet?
Colin: Nope.
(Ryan wears his props over his arms)
Ryan: Danger! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
(Colin puts one prop in his mouth)
Greg: (dorky accent) The sabretoothed tiger was one of the most vicious of the prehistoric carnivores.
(Wayne and Ryan sitting down in front of their props, Ryan hits his)
Ryan: (imitates buzzer) What is North Dakota?
(Colin and Greg are wearing their props on their heads again)
Colin: How do we solve a problem like Maria?
(Both of Wayne and Ryan's props are on the floor)
Wayne: Alright, come on, I got ya. Come on! (Ryan lifts the props like a barbell)
(Colin has one prop on his chest)
Colin: It's a little bigger nipple ring than I expected.
(Both of Wayne and Ryan's props are scattered on the floor)
Ryan: I think we better get out of here before we find the aninal who left that.
(Colin lowers his prop over his head)
Colin: Oh no, I'm getting picked.
(Ryan is wearing his props on his feet)
Ryan: Yeah, ever since I saw "Boogie Nights", you know... (buzz)
(Colin gets down on his knees and folds the props in half)
Colin: Snow White! Show White! There's been a landslide!

[Drew and Ryan's prop: A corner joint with a funnel]
[Wayne and Brad's prop: Two black disks with springs sticking out at one side]
(Brad has connected his prop so that the spring sides touch each other)
Brad: Something's wrong with this Oreo.
(Drew waves his prop back and forth)
Drew: Man, I haven't found one nickel yet.
(Wayne is holding one of his props against his chest)
Wayne: Bang bang! (groans) You got me.
(Ryan's under his prop)
Ryan: Hey, mister, wanna get lucky?
(Brad holds his prop over his head)
Brad: I will be your rabbi.
[SOMEWHAT BAD JOKE ALERT] (Drew holds his prop touching the floor at a corner)
Drew: Dink. Aw, I broke a nail.
(Brad holds both props in his hands)
Brad: Clear! (hits Wayne with the props)
(Ryan sets his prop on the floor)
Ryan: Well, it doesn't look like much fun for the gerbil.
(Wayne holds one prop over his head)
Wayne: So, I told Latrell if you ever come talking to me... (buzz)
(Drew's under his prop on his knees, hiding both hands behind him)
Ryan: Is there an "R"? (Drew sticks out his right hand)
(Wayne and Brad each have a prop on their butts, they act like monkeys)
(Ryan holds up his prop)
Ryan: It's a blow dart for corners. (pretends to blow into it)

[Ryan and Colin's prop: Eight logs linked together]
[Brad and Wayne's prop: Two giant springs]
(Ryan's behind his prop)
Ryan: I am a smoker. How did you know that?
(Brad holds both props against his ears)
Brad: As your rabbi, I want you to come to temple.
(Colin lays his prop on his gut)
Colin: I had to work out to get this stomach.
(Wayne has both props on his feet)
Wayne: Go go gadget feet! (hops up and down)
(Ryan holds his prop against his face again)
Ryan: You're looking kind of down, Tim.
(Brad and Wayne's props are on the floor)
Brad: Man, I'm tired of cleaning the giant's shower drain.
Wayne: Hurry up.
(Colin holds his prop under his stomach)
Colin: You're not Rapunzel!
(Wayne holds one prop against his left ear)
Wayne: I've only got one Jheri curl left from the 80s.
(Ryan wears his prop on his head)
Ryan: (British accent) My judgment is that he shall hang from the gallows.
(Wayne holds one prop on his butt)
Wayne: The wonderful thing aobut Tiggers is Tiggers are wonderful things!
(Ryan holds his prop over his head, holding it with both hands)
Ryan: Get out of my yard! (Lets go of one hand)
(Wayne and Brad hold one prop)
Brad: I fell kind of- (Lets go of one prop)
(Colin and Ryan each hold one end of their prop)
Ryan: Not this time, Indiana Jones! (Lets go of his end)

[Ryan and Chip's prop: Two oversized Koosh Balls]
[Wayne and Colin's prop: Two pink circles with a hole in the middle and spikes sticking out of one side]
(Ryan holds his props)
Ryan: Happy 4th of July! (repeatedly holds his props up in the air, making explosion noises Chip goes "Ooh" and "Aah")
(Wayne and Colin have their props over their heads)
Wayne: Hey mon.
Colin: Yeah, mon.
(Chip holds one prop)
Chip: And ended the second World War. (Holds the prop up) See page 139.
(Colin holds one prop against his stomach while Wayne pushes the spikes)
Wayne: Calm down, Bessie.
Colin: Your hands are cold!
Wayne: Shut up!
(Chip and Ryan each hold one prop over their groins)
Ryan: I ain't going to say it.
(Colin holds his props)
Colin: Man, how long have these Lifesavers been in your pocket?
(Chip holds both props over his head)
Chip: (Southern accent) And if you just send in your money, we will send you a lifesize- (cracks up)
(Colin holds one prop on the floor)
Colin: I thought the coliseum was a little bigger than this.
(Ryan holds both props against his ears)
Ryan: Hair in my ears?
Chip: Yes, hair in your ears, yes.
(Colin holds up one prop against his face while shaking it and making a vibrating sound)
(Chip holds both props under his armpits)
Chip: (French accent) Do you like French women?
(Colin holds one prop over Wayne, who's standing on the other prop)
Colin: Transport. (Wayne makes a noise, then runs off)
(Ryan is holding one prop)
Ryan: (handing it to Chip) Alright, and there's your fries. There's your Coke.

[Ryan and Kathy's prop: Two trapezoids with triangles sticking out]
[Drew and Wayne's prop: Two pillows with tentacles]
(Ryan and Kathy have their props on their backs)
Ryan: Hey, you wanted to be adventurous.
Kathy: I love it, honey!
(Drew holds a prop over his head)
Drew: Give em your tires, your poor, your huddled masses.
(Ryan has both props on his feet)
Ryan: No, I'm known for my shoes on the show.
(Wayne holds both props)
Wayne: Mommy, why do the kids make fun of my hands?
(Ryan and Kathy have their props under their heads)
Kathy: I cannot believe you came to this party dressed as Bjork, too.
(Drew holds a prop under his stomach)
Drew: No, I think it's crabs.
(Ryan holds a prop above his forehead)
Ryan: Hey, Lisa, you seen Homer?
(Drew has one prop over his stomach. Wayne pokes him, and Drew laughs)
(Ryan and Kathy hold their props up)
Ryan, Kathy: (chanting) We're number 5! We're number 5!
(Drew and Wayne hold their props up as well)
Drew: (chanting) We're number 8! We're number 8!
(Ryan and Kathy have connected their props)
Kathy: That was an easy puzzle. We should get five pieces next time.
(Wayne holds one prop over Drew's head)
Wayne: So I told Shauntel that she needed to dye... (buzz)

Questions Only

At a singles bar at closing time
Ryan: Have you ever heard of a place called Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan?
Colin: Isn't that right beside Left... Noob?

On the last night of an international singles cruise
Wayne: (mimes using a breath freshener)
Whoopi: Could you leave me alone?
Wayne: Ha ha... Is that The Color Purple?
Whoopi: Are you Helen Keller?
Wayne: Are you trying to diss Del Marico de Rique?
Whoopi: Are you pushing it just a little far, mister?
Wayne: Don't you want some of this? (does a little saucy dance)
Whoopi: Didn't I have that and threw it out? Wasn't it just a little on the wee side?
Wayne: ...Yes. (Buzz!)
Colin: Do you want some of this? (dances like a dad at a wedding)
Whoopi: Are you crazy?
Colin: Don't you know there's only another two hours to go?
Whoopi: Would I care if I knew!?
Colin: Can't you make me a man?
Whoopi: Don't you think it's too late?
Colin: Don't you want to feel the pleasure that only one other woman has felt?
Whoopi: Is that the one who died?
Colin: Who's to know eighty-four orgasms can kill you?
Whoopi: Are you telling me... (laughs) ...that you had eighty-four orgasms and this is what I have to look forward to?
Colin: Don't you know it's not the package?
Whoopi: Has someone lied to you?
Colin: What are you saying?
Whoopi: Don't you think if I could I would with you?
Colin: Why are you fighting this?
Whoopi: Do you think I'm fighting?
Colin: Don't you know I can read your eyes? (moves closer to Whoopi until they are pretty much face-to-face)
Whoopi: ... (kisses Colin) (Buzz!)
Ryan: How does it feel to kiss a woman for a change?

Quick Change

Topic: Brad is giving Ms. Kitty (Colin) a hard time in the saloon, when Sheriff Ryan enters to sort things out.
Brad: I said I wanted a double whiskey.
Colin: I think you've had enough. Look, I'm a very strong woman.
Wayne: Change.
Colin: Look, I'm an orangutan in a dress.
Wayne: Change.
Colin: I could beat you senseless with one finger nail.
Brad: Dance! [mimics gunshots]
Colin: I'm a very strong woman. I don't have to do anything a man says.
Wayne: Change.
Colin: [wipes the bartop, then dances]
Ryan: [comes in with squeaking door sound]
Wayne: Change.
Ryan: [comes in with doorbell sound]
Wayne: Change.
Ryan: [comes in with a foghorn sound]
Colin: Thank God you're here, Marshal! This man has been causing trouble.
Ryan: I think it's about time for you to leave town.
Brad: I'm not going anywhere, cos' you don't scare me.
Wayne: Change.
Brad: Which way is out of town?
Ryan: You passed it on the way in, right pass the Okay Corral.
Brad: Okay. But before I go, I'm gonna shoot you fullah lead.
Wayne: Change.
Brad: Before I go, I'm gonna spank you with my paddle.
Wayne: Change.
Brad: Before I go, I'm gonna ride you like a grease pig! Sooey!
Colin: Hey! This town ain't big enough for the two of us!
Ryan: What are you stopping him for?
Colin: Marshal!
Ryan: Sorry.
Colin: For goodness sake, you're here to uphold the law!
Ryan: You're right, I'm sorry. I got carried away. You see this badge? That means I'm the sheriff.
Wayne: Change.
Ryan: You see this thong?
Wayne: [laughing] Change.
Ryan: You see these sandals? That means someone stole my boots.
Brad: I stoled your boots, and your horse.
Ryan: Alright. Then I guess we have no choice but to take five steps backward and draw our guns.
Wayne: Change.
Ryan: Then I guess we'll have to walk right up there and river dance.
Colin: Be careful! Be careful, Marshal! He's a champion river dancer from out east!
Ryan: [dances faster]
Brad: [dances slower]
Ryan: [hurts his back] ARGH!
Wayne: Change.
Ryan: [hurts his thighs] D'oh!
Wayne: Change.
Ryan: [hurts his butt] Whoa-ow!
Colin: It's alright, stand back. I'm a part-time doctor.
Brad: That's what you get for river dancing in a thong.

Scenes From a Hat

Drew: Statements that will get 'bleeped' by the censors. (crinkles the paper in delight with a grin on his face)
Greg: [turns to Drew in surprise]: Really?
Drew: Yep.
Wayne: In Español, I am "El Grande Ricardo", but you can call me "Big d**k."
Greg: I'm George Bush and I'm a f***ing idjuhmimite.
Colin: Here p***y!
Drew: [laughing] Bloopers from the first 100 episodes.
Colin: Here p***y!
Wayne: (holds up one of Drew's cards) Hi, welcome to Whose Line, ub...Oh! I'm so stupid!
(Wayne and Greg get up and pretend to make out. Wayne grabs Greg's butt. They notice that they're back from commercial.) Greg: he said...he said...(Wayne starts singing the "Irish Drinking Song." Greg joins in.)
Colin: H! O! R! W! O! R! D! (pretends to make the letters with his arms)
Drew: The munchkins: what they do now.
Wayne: (in a sing-song, high pitched voice) Well.....(sing-song goes away) your fries are ready! (buzz) I'm a short order cook!
Ryan: (looking up) You need a new muffler.
Wayne: (deep voice) In this corner, the president of the lollipop guild! In this corner, Gary Coleman! Fight!
Ryan: ("pulling" himself up) You forgot to award points Mister Carey.
Drew: Ending a long term relationship in song.
Wayne: (sighs) Baby baby, you gots to go, you gots to go/Why why why? Because you's a ho!/Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye!
Greg: (takes his wedding ring off) Oh I'm one lucky little mister/I dont need you, I'm dating your sister!
Colin: You are dead to me/Nothing but scum!/When I look in your eyes/ I get inflammation of the bum!/You make me feel putrid/I hate the way... (gets dragged off the stage by Ryan)
Drew: Strange welcome greetings on signs as you enter into different U.S. states.
Wayne: Come and hang out in Alabama! (makes a U-turn)
Ryan: Welcome to Montana. There's nobody here.
Greg: Welcome to Ohio, watch out for Drew... (Bump!)
Ryan: Welcome to Hawaii, How the heck did you get here by car?
Colin: Welcome to Rhode Island. Thank you for visiting Rhode Island.
Ryan: Utah welcomes you and your wives.
Drew: Bad Choices for Pets
Brad: Here Velociraptor!
(Colin Jumps on him and pretends to eat him)
Ryan: (Whistling) Where's my little tapeworm? (Whistling)
Drew: Rejected themes for restaurants
Wayne: (sings) C'mon in, howdy fella, you can catch samonella. Eat it!
Josie: Hello and welcome to Dead Cats, 109 recipes you can do with your p***y [The cast laughs loudly, Josie with a confused look,]
Drew: I don't know if anyone told you, but in America, we can only get away with it if you pronounce it "p***-ay."
Josie: I'm so sorry.
Ryan: Oh, don't be sorry!
Drew: Nothing wrong with it, baby! I never said there was anything WRONG with it, I'm just telling you, you can't SAY it!
Ryan: [Points to audience] THEY don't like it!
Drew: Unlikely names for superheroes.
Colin: It's me, Run-Away-From-Danger-Man!
Ryan: [Holds his nose up] Did someone call for Captain Pork?
Robin Williams: I'm Parano.....GOD!!! (runs away)
Drew: World's worst subject for an interpretive dance.
Ryan: [Moves his arms in a wave-like manner] Diarrhea: Flows like a river.
Robin Williams: [Crouched down] Impotence is a horrifying thing. [Slowly rises with Wayne's help]
Drew: If entertainers worked funerals.
Wayne: Please, gather around the body. [Makes a pulling motion] It's not there anymore! Huh! Thank you! [Bows]
Robin Williams: Is this the loved one? [Mimes putting jumper cables to the body] All right, start the truck, Johnny! Wow, look at him leap! Isn't that amazing, ladies and gentlemen? With just 6 volts, you can make your relatives dance again!
Colin: [Pretends to shape a balloon] A dog.
Ryan: Well. [Opens a casket, then makes a grabbing motion and holds the body like a ventriloquist doll] Harry and I would like to thank you all for comin' by.
Drew: People you wish would just shut up.
Wayne: People you wish would just shut up.
Drew: And Wayne just blew any chance he had of winning tonight.
Drew: Trying to look cool while doing very uncool things.
[Wayne steps out, and imitates Drew pressing his buzzer.]]
Drew: If sex was taught in the style of Sesame Street.
Wayne: Abierto!
Wayne: Cerrado!
Colin: Now it's time to meet Big Bird!
Kathy: (brings out Colin and Wayne and points to their crotches and her own) (sings) One of these things doesn't belong here...
Ryan: [Brings Colin and makes him bend over. Ryan stands behind his butt] The letter "h"!
Drew: Questions on Jeopardy where the Whose Line cast is the answer
Wayne: I'll take reasons why the letter "h" will haunt me for the years to come
Drew: Things that should never be mentioned on a date
Colin: (with Kathy) Did you know I was a part of the letter "h"?

World's Worst

Person to be the leader of the world in a crisis
Drew: Ai-di-dai-di-dai-di-dai! [pulls his hair back, imitating Colin]
Colin: Does this shirt make me look kind of boxy?
Ryan: Everyone in the world has launched their missiles, the world will be gone in about 30 minutes. Good news is I'm lowering taxes.
Drew: [imitating Mr. Rogers] We're having a crisis today, can you say crisis? [proceeds to take his jacket off]
Wayne: Have no fear. My army of Teletubbies will make sure everyone is airlifted to the nearest...
Drew: [imitating Mighty Mouse] Here I come to save the day... La-la-la-la...
Colin: We are so screwed...
Ryan: Don't worry, everything is under control. [proceeds to draw cards] Okay, the king of swords. The king of swords means...
Drew: [imitating Scooby-Doo] Rowh-row, rombs coming.
Colin: We must unite as one. Kumbayah...
Ryan: Hey, I got some good news and I got some bad news. The bad news is, we all will be dead in 30 minutes. The good news is, Michael Bolton is going with us.
Drew: [Imitating Richard Simmons]Now before that bomb hits, you got two extra pounds to lose!
Priest or Rabbi
Drew: [as Bill Clinton] I heard your confession and let me tell you, I don't think you had sex with that woman.
Ryan: Yes, I understand that you've slept with three women. [whispers to side] He slept with three women!
Greg: [saying ritual like speech while acting sprinkling powder, Looks puzzled ix-nay on the in-say!
Ryan: And that is how Adam and eve were crea-go! Go! [puts finger to ear] Go, go, go!
Drew: [as Jerry Lewis] Just give me the knife and the baby! I'll make a little cut right there and...
Ryan: Tonight, I will perform the sermon as John Wayne. [As John Wayne] In the BEGINNING...
Next-door neighbour
Ryan: I need to borrow a shovel, and if you hear anything tonight, ignore it!
Ryan: Just got a new stereo system. Hope you like Michael Bolton!
Drew: You know what I do for a living? I'm a Jackhammer tester.
Colin: Yeah, I like to sunbathe naked. Y'know it's uh...[looks down] 3 o' clock?
Ryan: I'm naked and I'm going to point out all the knots in your fence. [shifts from side to side]
Colin: [struggling to get on "fence"] We represent the lollipop guild...
Thing to say or do on a romantic date
Colin: [holds a lime in each hand] I brought the limes.
Drew: [hands date criminal record] Hi. My parole officer told me to show you my criminal record before we are allowed to go out.
Greg: I know this is only our second date...I LOVE YOU!! BE WITH ME!!
Colin: [reads from a card] You look very beautiful.
Drew: [pulls out wallet and shows picture] Hey! Wanna see a picture of my penis?
Ryan: [does the same] Hey! Wanna see a picture of Drew Carey's penis?
Greg: Let's see you had the Big Mac, that's $2.
Drew: [has his arm around his date's shoulder] Hope you don't mind. I thought we'd just sit here and watch "Gepetto". [turns TV on]
Ryan: [with a hand puppet] We just wanna say we had a great time didn't we? [Puppet]: We sure did. We had a great time.
Greg: Thanks for inviting me up Melanie. I...[spots a Nintendo console] Nintendo?! [picks up console]
Drew: Sorry I'm late. Me and the wife just had a big fight.
Self-help instructional video
Greg: (takes off his glasses) (imitating Bill Clinton) Hi. I used to be President. Some of you might have trouble meeting the ladies.
Drew: (imitating Richard Simmons) I'm Richard Simmons and I'm gonna show you how to pick up girls! (Drew stumbles as he returns to the World's Worst Step!)
Colin: To clap, raise one hand (doing so), then the other (raises his other hand), keeping them an equie distance apart. Then force them together at a speed that makes this sound: (claps). Repeat. (Claps). Repeat. (Claps)
Greg: Hello, dudes and dudettes, and welcome to How To Deliver a Pizza.
Colin: Welcome to Dogs Have Prostates Too! (puts on some latex gloves)
Ryan: Take the magazine in your left hand. Lower your pants and sit. (Buzz!) Now read. (Buzz!) Once again... (Buzz!)
Greg: How would you like to become an exotic dancer? (Dances)
Colin: (Steps forward) (Buzz!)
Greg: (Sprawls out on the floor) (Slurring) Hello, and welcome to Drinking for Professionals!
Ryan: Hi, I'm Drew Carey. Today, we're going to learn how to walk backwards. Look behind you. Look behind you while you're walking. While you're walking. There's a stair! Lift your foot onto the stair, pushing yourself onto the stair.
Drew: Hi, I'm Ryan Stiles, and welcome to my love-making secrets tape. (pretends to smoke a cigarette) This tape will end in 60 seconds! (Ryan: I wish!)
Colin: Oh those frustrating banana peels. How do you get them off the banana? Hold the banana firmly in one hand. (Buzz!) (Colin is back on straight away...) Oh those frustrating gerbil skins... (Buzz!)
Greg: I'm Bill from the NRA, and it's Gun Safety Week! (shoots himself and falls to the floor)
Ryan: (Looks towards the far section of the audience) Ten more minutes, we can put on a second coat. (looks backwards while returning to his spot recreating an earlier World's Worst idea, Drew walks over and pushes Ryan off the step again!)
Greg: (sniffs and holds his head like he's hungover) Good morning. (Coughs) Welcome to How To Be A Scoutmaster, now... (Buzz!) That's when the buzzer goes!
Drew: Hi Scouts, and welcome to Anyone Can Masturbate! (Note: The last word was bleeped on the ABC Family repeats)

Foreign Film Dub

Language: Spanish Movie: El Donkey
Colin translates for Jeff
Ryan translates for Drew
(translations only)
Jeff: Hey nice suit.
(rubs suit)
Drew: Thank you very much have you seen my ass?
Jeff: I Have seen the donkey you speak of that wears funny pants.
(Drew talks then makes kissing noises)
Drew: This donkey is my only friend, he and I watch Baywatch together.
(Jeff yells)
Jeff: You mean the part where they run in slow motion!? I love that!
(Drew starts laughing in the middle of his line. He says, (I can't speak spanish))
Drew: I will sell you my-ha ha ha- I will sell you my -ho ho ho- I
Jeff: Excuse me?
Drew: I will sell you my, Oh, i'm not spanish at all.
(Jeff pulls off Drew's "mask". yells really long sentence.)
Jeff: Oh my God, a peruvian mime!
(Drew acts like a mime; pulls rope, and pushes against "wall")
Drew: I have an innie belly-button and I live in a small house.

Other Unaired Quotes

Brad Sherwood


I was feeling frisky, I went for a drive
I took all my handguns and shot myself alive, I... (cracks up and falls on the floor)

I went to an awful restaurant that have to use these towels
And all the food was awful taste like something from your bowels
I have to leave right away as if it really matter
What was I thinking that I order the poo-poo-plater

I love public restrooms, I love the way they smell
I like to take a breath, and just say "you're well"
I like to stay here all day, no matter what it takes
when I leave, I always try those tasty urinal cakes


  • Welcome to the 6:00 news, I'm Loose Bowels.
  • I didn't know we could say "fucking" all this time!
  • [incredulous, after learning an audience member behind Drew has been dozing off] Who gave him a blanket?

Colin Mochrie


I went to machine to get some money
And then I noticed there...was something funny
As I came closer and my heart, boy, sure sank
It was an ATM machine for a sperm bank

A mosquito came up and he bit bit me
He took all my blood can't you see-how -see!
I had a lot of blood loss-- [faints]

My wife gave birth yesterday... (shakes his head, waves his hands while the Wayne and Drew congratualte him about it.)
Well guess what my wife just gave birth the other day
And I really supported her all the way
Time went for hour, oh hours were passing....Oh, GOD!


Hello, I'm Quite Hung.

Ryan Stiles


I don't pay my taxes every single year
I guess it's the IRS I really,really fear
I guess that's mean that they show a lot of class
But everytime they do, they seem to fuck me up the ass!

Singing a song about a vending machine
Don't you know that's really not my scene
Try to think of something clever with a twist
If we do another hoewdown, I slit my fucking wrist!

When it comes to hoedowns I'm doing another one
After the first one, I thought I was done
Feeling like a fool, feeling such a twit
This is what I have to do to please the fucking brit!

I graduated High School today...the fuck!


  • [Holding a large tube tunnel] Look at the size of my dick!
  • [Pushing one large tube tunnel on top of another] I don't think we should be watching this.
  • [Holding foam shark fin] This is weird fucking looking thing, isn't it?
  • [Holding several bars attatched with strings] You see, this way, I can give a whole bunch of people the finger at the same time.


  • [After cracking up during a game of Sound effects set in Alaska] [You] put me in a place where there's absolutly nothing that makes a sound!
  • [after a game of Helping Hands, wherein Colin squirted large amounts of mustard in his mouth, sings] I smell like condiments! [Laura Hall starts playing an upbeat Broadway-style vamp on piano] Relish! Mustard! Ketchup and cheese! [music suddenly stops, looks over at Laura Hall on piano] "Oh, sure, I can rhyme now, but not in 'Hoedown'!"
  • [after a Hoedown about puberty]
It's hard to do puberty without talking about jerking off. "I like to grab my penis, I pull it all the time."
  • [performing "90 Second Alphabet," beginning with "F"]
Fuck me! Fuck me hard!
  • [performing "Film, Theater, and Television Styles," Drew has instructed Ryan and Colin to "start like [they're] normal."]
Start like we're normal. It's gonna be tough.

Drew Carey


I remember the day I lost my viginity
I took my woman and we drove to the city
Let me tell you brother she no like no other
Boy I was embarrased that it was my mother

I had an inter- Oh, shit!


  • [Clapping his hands, singing] Bullshit. Bullshit.
  • [After Ryan finished a song saying he would slit his "fucking" wrist if he did another Hoedown] Five hundred points for Ryan for giving the censors something to think about. Nobody...nobody's funnier when they're pissed off than Ryan Stiles.
  • [When the director wants to do the hoedown again] Yeah! More! More! More! More! More! More! Hey and the bonus is that we'll see Ryan slit his fucking wrist. (Then he sings) Slit his fucking wrrrriiist! Yeah!
  • I have to give Ryan minus points for not knowing the word orbit. (Ryan spits water all over his lap) Orbit's the name of the word. (Ryan does multiple things that involves his crotch) Hundred points. Two-hundred points. Five-hundred points. Thousand points! Five-thousand points! Ten Thousand points! (Crying) I have no more points to give.
  • Now we go onto a game called "Fuck me silly." (Colin and Ryan both get up while the director says "Do it over again", laughing)
  • Let's go on to a game called "Film Dub", shall we? It's a game called, uh...Film Dub. Okay?
  • This how the game works ... it's not even a game. This is how the show works.
  • The next game is called... Medieval Gynecologist. (Colin pretends to put on latex gloves, while Ryan pretends to put on a helmet and lift the visor) That would be so great if we could put that on the air.

Wayne Brady


I consider myself quite a fugal frella. But sometimes(Brad cracks up, followed by Colin and Ryan) Shut up! Keep on going!


  • [Holding a grey flat cone/puts it at crotch level] Ever since I saw Boogie Nights...

Greg Proops


  • [Wayne is holding a water tube at his crotch] Well, Mr. Brady, I warned you about viagra side effects.


I am an advertiser and I'm a groovy guy
I sit at home just thinking the stuffs you could buy
Lots of stuff that you don't need and that'll make....(sotto voce) Fuck the ass...

Oh I am a valet parker and this is my valet vest,
What you need a car and I treated it the best,
I'll drive a thousand miles and I'll drive around the block
And you'll be-- god!! Mother fucking shit.

(in a pre-pubescent voice)When I was a young boy, I thought I'd never change
And as I got older, I started feeling strange
One day I was standing, and then I saw a girl
And when I saw her booty it...(voice cracks, becomes more deep) totally rocked my world.

I have had a transplant, it did not- Oh...shit.


  • [ When an audience member plays a fool around in 'Dead Bodies' game] SECURITY!!
  • [After the director dissaproved Greg as 'Cross-dressing man'] You know we have a lot of transvetites viewers and the wouldn't think that's not so funny
  • [When Drews hears a loud knock on the floor during Greatest Hits] You don't want dead people calling in!
  • [After forgiving Drew for an earlier statement and sharing an intimate hug] I had Drew's ass... and now I want more!
  • [During "Hats", wearing a gray hat resembling a bald head] Well, I'm a Klingon by trade. [poor audience response] And when I'm not funny I sit here with this fucking thing on my head.

Multiple cast members

Drew: Er the first game's gonna be a game called "Let's make a date". This is for all of you, er Ryan, Colin and Wayne are gonna be contestants on a dating type show, hoping to be picked by Greg. I don't know why that would ever happen in real life, but that's what it says on the card. Err, each of them has been given a strange characteristic or identity that's written on the cards if you're all ready Greg, off you go.
Greg: Yes, but what is the point, Drew? Since no one would ever pick me? (the audience goes 'awwww', feeling sorry for him)
Ryan: Well, you hurt his feelings.
Wayne: That's nice, Drew. (Drew scoffs)
Ryan: Let's go--
Greg: Hey fuck you, Drew! (Wayne tries to comfort him but he gets up and tries to attack Drew while Ryan and Wayne tries to stop him)
Drew: (as the director clears out the stage) Comeo n, I was just messing around, having some fun. It was a joke.
Greg: Well words hurt, Drew.
Drew: I'm really, really sorry. (Audience goes "awwww")
Ryan: Don't you think a hug is in store?
(The audience cheers as Greg and Drew embrace, then laugh as they start groping one another. They quickly find their seats again.)
Greg: I've had Drew's ass, and now I want more.

Director: A bit slower and a bit more up.
Drew: Slower and more up.
Director: Yeah.
Drew:Slower and more up. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. Slower and more up.

Ryan: Tarzan think you no love him anymore. Must get back to roots.
Colin: What do you mean?
Ryan: Before you come, Tarzan only have animals.(Audience makes "Ugh" sounds followed by Wayne's laughter) Animals think Tarzan forget about him now. (Beginning to realize)I mean as friends!
Colin: I know! I know!

(In 90-Second Alphabet)
(Ryan had been complaining about having to pee earlier)
Drew: Garson, Garson! There's something wrong...
Ryan: Your waiter's in the bathroom, I'll go get him (leaves the area)

(after Greg messed up a hoedown)
Drew: We have a lot dead people complaining about your language, so...
Greg: Some dead narcoleptic cross-dressing circus freaks!

[the end of a 90-Second Alphabet]
Drew: "Zigfried" and Roy said this was a good place to eat.
Ryan: Absolutely! They've all had dinner here.
Drew: Bozo the Clown said they have the best deserts here.
Ryan: Clowns?! We never serve clowns!
Drew: Don't you deny it!
Ryan: Good gracious, sir! [the audience, along with Colin and Wayne, start to laugh] I've tried to make your meal... [realizes his mistake just as the buzzer sounds] Oh, shit! [falls to the floor]

(In song styles, Brad sings to one of the female audience as Bruce Springsteen)
Brad: Well I can't stop staring at your breast...( The female audience cracked up while Brad, covering his mouth, realizing his mistake)
(While the female audience leave the area, Brad tries to apologize)
Ryan: Goodnight everyone!
Drew: Nice going, Brad!
Colin: This just in, 'Brad is still single!'

(Denny doing an unknown hoedown)
Well I miss the 60's, I quite miss a lot
I sit around and listen the music and it was really hot
Well I do a lot of Yardwork that was come to pass
Cause it's a cheap way to get my hands on grass!!
(Just as it was Colin's turn, the director stops the game)
Colin: (Mouths) Thank You!
Denny: Thank you! (while tapping on her shoulder) Thank you very much!
Ryan: (Imitating Denny's move)While I was shooting 'H'
Drew: (Trying to sing like a hoedown) Because I love cocaine...I do lots of yarkwork because I love cocaine.

(Weird Newscasters)Brad: Good evening, I'm Jessabelle Spankbottom, and welcome to the 8 o'clock news.
Ryan: (interrupting)And I shall make a British asshole appear.
(Dan Patterson, who just came out to stop Brad was surprised that he got hit by Ryan's joke)

External links

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Citable sentences

Up to date as of December 27, 2010

Here are sentences from other pages on Whose Line Is It Anyway?, which are similar to those in the above article.

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