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You Can't Do That on Television
A-youcan-maint.jpg
Scene from the third opening
Also known as YCDTOTV
Genre Comedy
Format Live action, Variety, Sketch comedy
Created by Roger Price
Starring See Cast
Country of origin Canada
Language(s) English
No. of seasons 10
No. of episodes 143 (List of episodes)
Production
Producer(s) Roger Price
Location(s) CJOH-TV studios, Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Running time 30 min.
Broadcast
Original channel CTV
Nickelodeon
Original run February 3, 1979 – May 25, 1990
Status canceled
Chronology
Followed by SlimeCon
Related shows SlimeCon
External links
Official website

You Can't Do That on Television ( a.k.a. YCDTOTV) is a Canadian television program that first aired locally in 1979 before ultimately airing internationally in 1981. It primarily featured early-teenage actors in a sketch comedy format in which they acted out skits based on a theme for that episode.

After production ended in 1990, the show continued in reruns on Nickelodeon through 1994. YCDTOTV is also known for cast members who became future performers including pop recording artist Alanis Morissette and prime-time actress Klea Scott.

In 2002, and again in 2004, You Can't Do That on Television cast members reunited alongside longtime fans of the show at SlimeCon, a fan-produced convention in Ottawa. Project 131, the official reunion episode, premiered during the 2004 event.

Contents

History

Local television

You Can't Do That on Television debuted in 1979 on CJOH-TV in Ottawa as a low-budget variety program with some segments performed live. The show consisted of comedy skits, music videos (usually three per episode) and live phone-in contests in which the viewer could win a variety of prizes (transistor radios, record albums, clothes, model kits, and the like). The format also included performances by local disco dancers and special guests such as Ottawa-based cartoonist Jim Unger. Every week the show took its "Roving Camera" to hangouts around town, recording kids' jokes or complaints about life, which would be played on the following week's broadcast. The show's disco dance segments were emceed by Jim Johnson, a DJ on Ottawa's leading pop music radio station, CFGO (which at the time was co-owned with CJOH). Also, after a music video aired, Johnson would tell the viewers interesting facts about the artist featured in the video.

Veteran comedy actor Les Lye played many different characters and was the only adult cast member that first season, though occasionally the older children in the cast (such as Christine McGlade or Cyndi Kennedy) played adult characters.

The show's trademark green slime dousing prank was introduced in 1979, as was the practice of using the phrase "I don't know" as a trigger for that prank.

The show was meant to offer a fun program for children on Saturday mornings. It made no attempt to be an educational program. The idea was successful. Only three full episodes from the first season are known to exist; the studio masters no longer exist. However, the episodes can now be downloaded and viewed via several websites.

National television in Canada

After a successful first season, a national network version of the program entitled Whatever Turns You On was produced for CTV and debuted in September 1979 (having already aired an hour-long pilot episode in May). The format was shortened to a half-hour, removed local content, added a laugh track and replaced music videos with live performances from popular Canadian artists at the time, including Trooper, Max Webster, Ian Thomas and disco singer Alma Faye Brooks. Ruth Buzzi joined the cast and the twenty-two children from the first season were whittled down to seven: Christine "Moose" McGlade, Lisa Ruddy, Jonothan Gebert, Kevin Somers, Kevin Schenk, Rodney Helal, and Marc Baillon (another first-season cast member, Elizabeth Mitchell, only appeared in the pilot episode ). The show was placed in the 7 pm timeslot on Tuesday nights, and had poor ratings as a result. The show was canceled after one season.

Nickelodeon

In January, 1981, production on YCDTOTV resumed, and a new batch of episodes aired locally on CJOH through May of that year. The format of the 1981 episodes as aired on CJOH was similar to that of the inaugural 1979 season, with the differences being that each show featured skits revolving around a certain topic (something that carried over from Whatever Turns You On) and that the disco dancers were replaced by video game competitions. The season proper ended in May, but cast members were asked to come back in May and June 1981 to film some additional scenes for the syndicated version of the show (including re-writes or re-shoots of already-filmed sketches to filter out Ottawa-centric or Canada-centric content). At the time the season ended, it was uncertain whether the show would continue. In the meantime, some YCDTOTV cast members continued to hone their on-camera skills through appearances in Bear Rapids, a Price/Darby pilot film that was never picked up, and Something Else, a local game show on CJOH with a format somewhat similar to the live and local episodes of YCDTOTV.

Later in 1981, the new youth-oriented United States cable network, Nickelodeon, took an interest in YCDTOTV. Nickelodeon originally aired a handful of episodes in edited half-hour form during 1981 as a test run, since producer Roger Price and director Geoffrey Darby had edited the entire 1981 season of You Can't Do That on Television episodes into a half-hour format similar to Whatever Turns You On for national and international syndication. Toward the beginning of 1982, Nickelodeon began airing the entire edited season and YCDTOTV quickly became their highest rated show.

Production on new episodes of YCDTOTV resumed full time in 1982, with all episodes from that point onward made in the half-hour all-comedy format. Also in 1982, Nickelodeon and CJOH had then became production partners on YCDTOTV. Over the next few years, the ratings gradually declined in Canada (by 1985, it was seen only once a week in a Saturday-morning time slot on CTV), but YCDTOTV continued to go strong in the U.S. on Nickelodeon, where it aired first five times a week and, eventually, every day.

In 1984, You Can't Do That on Television became Nickelodeon's highest-rated television program, lasting until mid-1986.[citation needed] Kids across America were making slime and water sounds with their mouths and sending in their own entries for the Slime-In, a contest hosted by Nickelodeon that flew a lucky kid to the set of You Can't Do That On Television to be slimed (which was later replicated by Canada's YTV, with their version being called the Slime Light Sweepstakes).

By 1987, many of the "veteran" cast members such as Matt Godfrey, Doug Ptolemy, Vanessa Lindores, and Adam Reid had grown too old for the show. Longtime hostess Christine McGlade ("Moose") had departed the previous year, as had Alasdair Gillis (who had been promoted to co-host with Moose in 1985 before leaving at the end of the 1986 season); Lisa Ruddy ("Motormouth"), Moose's longtime sidekick on the show, was also gone, having left at the end of the 1985 season. Only five episodes were filmed in this season, the shortest season of You Can't Do That on Television's 15-year span on the air, and one of the episodes (Adoption) proved so controversial that it was banned after being shown twice[citation needed] ( a "DO NOT AIR" sticker on the master tape at CJOH).[citation needed] (Adoption) is the only episode that was banned in the U.S, and the second one banned in Canada (Divorce) was the other one.

In addition, Nickelodeon had removed the half-hour edits of the 1981 episodes of You Can't Do That on Television from its daily time slot rotation, along with the 1982 "Cosmetics" episode.[citation needed] The 1981 episodes were supposed to air for the last time ever during a week-long promotion in 1985 called "Oldies But Moldies", which featured contests where Nickelodeon viewers could win prizes like "tasty, fresh chocolate syrup". However, the episodes continued to air until the end of 1987 but were not played very often. Reportedly, this was because Nickelodeon's five-year contract to air the 1981 season expired in 1987, and since Nickelodeon was beginning to aim for a younger demographic and many of the 1981 episodes dealt with topics more relevant to adolescents (such as smoking, drugs, sexual equality, and peer pressure); the network opted not to renew the contract. Allegedly, Nickelodeon removed the "Cosmetics" episode from rotation for the latter reason as well (although the "Addictions" episode from that same season was not dropped).

Roger Price moved to France in 1988. CJOH decided not to make new episodes without him due to lack of ideas, and production was suspended. When Price eventually returned to Canada, he wanted to resume production of You Can't Do That on Television from the city of Toronto, but was convinced by the cast and crew to return to Ottawa and CJOH.

You Can't Do That on Television resumed production in 1989, but the only child cast members to make the transition from 1987 to 1989 were Amyas Godfrey and Andrea Byrne, although a few minor cast members seen in 1986, including Rekha Shah and James Tung, returned for an episode or two. According to YCDTOTV.com, 1984-87 cast member Stephanie Chow was given the option of returning for the 1989 season, but chose not to in order to focus on her piano playing. Thus, an almost entirely-new cast of children was assembled, including a new host Chris Bickford (whose trademark was the leather jacket he always wore), Christian Tessier, Ted Wilson, Jennifer Brackenbury, Carlos Braithwaite, Sariya Sharp, Stephanie Bauder, Patrick Mills, Kevin Ward, Chantal Tremblay, and sisters Jill and Amy Stanley.

Opinions on the 1989 and 1990 episodes of YCDTOTV are mixed among longtime fans of the show, particularly regarding the new episodes' increasing reliance on bathroom humor and flatulence jokes to attract a younger audience than the show had targeted in years past. In any case, the show did not completely sever ties to its past, as many former cast members reappeared during the 1989 season in cameo roles, most notably in the "Age" episode, which was hosted by Vanessa Lindores and also featured cameos by Doug Ptolemy, Alasdair Gillis, Christine McGlade, and Kevin Kubusheskie (who by that time had become a stage producer on the show). Alasdair Gillis also appeared briefly in the "locker jokes" segment during the "Fantasies" episode, and Adam Reid, who by this time had become an official writer for YCDTOTV, also appeared (and was slimed) at the very end of the episode "Punishment."

The show's ratings declined throughout 1989 and 1990, ranking ranked fifth on Nickelodeon. Nickelodeon's desire to produce more of its own shows at its new studios at Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida, coupled with the poor rating, cause the production of You Can't Do That on Television to officially end in 1990 season. Though ratings declined, Nickelodeon continued to air reruns until January 1994, at which point it was only being aired on weekends.

Reunion

In July 2004, a reunion special called Project 131 was produced at CJOH-TV starring five members of the original cast. These included Brodie Osome, Marjorie Silcoff, and Vanessa Lindores (pregnant at the time), with cameos by Justin Cammy and Alasdair Gillis (Also originally scheduled for the program were Christine McGlade, who had to back out due to a scheduling conflict, and Les Lye, who had to back out due to illness). Directed by David Dillehunt and produced by Josh Yawn, this was the final production ever made in Studio D, the same studio where the show had been produced fourteen years prior. The studio was sealed permanently for tax purposes following the 2004 convention. The front of the lockers and the bookshelves from the library were the only original sets still available at the time of this taping, necessitating that most of the show be shot in green screen.

In January 2007, the special was posted on YouTube [1]. Yawn's lines in the opening scene were overdubbed.

Future

As of 2005, CJOH had no plans to release re-runs of YCDTOTV nor are there any plans to produce new episodes. In 2006, rumours began floating that Nickelodeon would release DVDs of the series as part of its "Rewind" series of DVD releases of shows from its past. However, in early February 2006, [ycdtotv.com] reported that because of changes in the hierarchy of Viacom, there would be no DVD release in the immediate future. Although fans still hold out hope that the series will one day be released commercially, some web sites, including ycdtotv.com and barthsburgery.com, have made episodes of the series available in the interim, through either free downloads of episodes or sales of homemade DVD compilations.

You STILL Can't Do That on Television!

During late 2005, a fan-made animated version called You Still Can't Do That On Television or simply You Still Can't (YSC) was produced. The show's theme song was an updated, dance-flavoured remix of the original YCDTOTV theme (itself a Dixieland jazz-style rendition of Rossini's William Tell Overture), composed by Josh Yawn. Voice artist Patte Rosebank (of "Mighty Machines") was the only Canadian contributor. Other cast members included Cristina Vee, Sean Farm, Jared Lee, Amber Aviles, Ken Dukes and Peter Miller.

Notable episodes

"Adoption" and "Divorce"

The 1987 season included the episode "Adoption" that was banned after only one accidental airing on Nickelodeon. Among the content that led to the banning is a scene where Valerie (Abby Hagyard) and Lance (Les Lye) adopt Doug because it was cheaper than buying a dog. In another sketch, Lance adopts Adam Reid only to serve as a hired hand to do chores around the house. When Adam finishes the chores, Lance calls the adoption agency to send Adam back, and is furious when he is told that "adoption is for life." Although Adam and Vanessa Lindores gave a disclaimer in the episode's opening link explaining that the show was all in fun and not to be taken seriously, Nickelodeon was deluged with complaints from viewers who came from adopted families, and barred the episode from being rerun (even going as far as to slapping a "DO NOT AIR" sticker on the master tape). In contrast to Nickelodeon, the "Adoption" episode was shown on YTV, with one minor cut: after learning that adopted kids cannot be sent back to the agency, Lance Prevert grumbles, "Damn bureaucrat!" The "Damn" in "Damn bureaucrat!" is muted out.

Similarly, according to YCDTOTV.com, the "Divorce" episode from 1984 was reportedly banned by YTV in Canada when it began showing YCDTOTV in 1988 (see: http://www.ycdtotv.com/faq/index.html), although some YTV viewers recall the network showing this episode. The plot of the Divorce episode involved the producer of the show and his wife getting a divorce, and the producer's wife demanding half of everything in the studio - including wardrobe, scripts, the stage, food and drink, and green slime. When Christine mentions that the producer's wife took half of the water, she get sprayed with water. In the end, the producer and his wife didn't get divorced, but Ross explains that the wife gets the producers half too. "Divorce" was not banned in the United States.

"Body Parts"

When this episode (from the 1984 season) aired on Nickelodeon, two risque sketches were cut and replaced with less offensive sketches from dress rehearsal:

  • An "Opposite" sketch where a teacher shows his anatomy class a pornographic movie.
  • A sketch where Ross sells his father's issues of Playboy magazine to Ben and Alasdair.

The replacement sketches for this episode were:

  • Ben complains to his doctor about his new leg being sewn on backwards (resulting in Ben spinning every time he walks).
  • Lisa tricks Moose into eating a chocolate-covered grasshopper.

"Fears, Worries, and Anxieties"

When the "Fears, Worries, and Anxieties" episode (from the 1985 season) aired on Nickelodeon, one sketch aired where a boy (played by Alasdair Gillis) is harassed by a bully named Killer Curtis. At the time Nickelodeon aired the episode, an actual murderer named Killer Curtis was in the news (CJOH and Nickelodeon had not been aware of this). The name "Killer Curtis" was then redubbed as "Crusher Willis."

The redubbing was very poorly done, especially given the fact that it was difficult to properly sync the "Crusher Willis" with the actors' lip movements. Furthermore, when the sketch was filmed, Alasdair still had a high-pitched voice. However, by the time the sketch had to be redubbed, his voice had deepened, causing the overdub to sound weird.

"Technology"

"Technology" (1984) was a unique "interactive" episode. As Christine McGlade explained during the show's introduction, this episode would provide an opportunity for the show to test some new technology that would allow viewers to influence the outcome of a scene. During the course of the show, whenever the characters disagreed on something, they would "let the viewers decide". Red and green squares would appear on the screen, and viewers would be asked to touch green for a "yes" vote, and red for a "no" vote. Afterwards, the "correct" action would be taken.

Some examples from this episode include whether or not to execute Luke McKeehan (yes), slime Vanessa Lindores in a dungeon scene (yes), and let Lisa Ruddy lose her voice and be unable to talk (yes). The viewers did "vote" to restore Lisa's voice, but only to introduce the opposite sketches, and the viewers "voted" for Lisa to lose her voice again once the opposites were over.

The next example involved going to a commercial. Lisa was to introduce the commercials, but could not because she was still unable to speak, and Lisa informed Christine (via writing notes, which was the only way she was able to communicate) that if there were no commercials, no one would get paid. This was all the prompting Christine needed to initiate the vote, but the vote failed to pass twice, thus forcing Christine to resort to a sort of bribery, including promising that Vanessa would get watered (of course, Christine got watered herself while explaining this) and Eugene Contreras would have "something really bad" happen to him if the vote went through. It worked: Vanessa was drenched, and the "really bad" thing turned out to be a pie in the face for Eugene. And of course, Lisa was able to talk again, and she chirped, "And now it's time for a commercial."

Another example allowed the viewers to "vote" on whether or not the locker jokes scene would go on. The viewers voted NOT to go through with them, which made Christine say, "Boy, the viewers of this show have a brain after all." Then she turned towards the camera and said, "Then again, if you really did have a brain, would you even be watching this show?"

One final vote at the end of the episode involved letting the viewers vote on whether the show would be allowed to end. Surprisingly, the viewers "voted" for the show not to end - which convinced Ross that the technological gizmo was broken. He and Christine were further convinced when they held another vote on whether to take Lisa's voice from her again, and vote came back in favor of Lisa keeping her voice.

Anniversary airings

During Nickelodeon's 20th Anniversary, CJOH-TV allowed the network to rerun three episodes of YCDTOTV. On June 26, 1999, the Music and Enemies and Paranoia episodes from 1986 aired, and on June 27, 1999, the Parties episode aired. Nickelodeon chose to feature only episodes that featured now-famous Alanis Morissette because of their "Nickelodeon Knew Them When" theme.

In 2004 for Nickelodeon's Old School Pick, the Enemies and Paranoia episode was picked; however, after the commercial break, Nickelodeon switched to an episode of The Fairly OddParents. The reason behind the sudden substitution was never given; however, the anniversary fell shortly after the death of former president Ronald Reagan, and the episode chosen featured some content that made light of President Reagan and his policies, for example, one episode shows a pre-teen taking masks off a wrestler's face with a made up Spock mask(the star trek character by Leonard Nemoy) leading to a confidential Ronald Reagan mask then taking it off to reveal it was his mom's face all along. Since then, YCDTOTV has yet to be seen again on Nickelodeon after that airing.

Trademarks

Episodes of YCDTOTV included recurring gimmicks and gags. The following is a partial list.

Pre-empted shows

At the beginning of each show aired after the 1981 season, a title card would appear featuring a parody title of a TV show, with a silly (often macabre) picture and the announcer making the following announcement: "(TV show) will not be seen today in order for us to bring you this (adjective in character with the picture) production." The pre-empted shows were parodies of current TV shows (i.e. The A-Team Makes One Cup of Coffee Last Five Hours, "Hanging Out" or "Malls", 1984), movies (i.e. Top Gun Gets Put on Latrine-Cleaning Duty, "Discipline", 1986), or other pop culture icons (i.e. Boy George Without Make-up, "Halloween", 1984), and were often relevant to the theme of the current episode (i.e. the pre-empted show for "Safety" (1981) was "Hit and Run on Sesame Street"). The pre-empted show announcement concept was borrowed from Saturday Night Live, which introduced their shows with similar announcements in the late 1970s. You Can't Do That On Television has preempted itself on three occasions (Television, Media, and Priorities). The Generation Gap episode did not begin with a preempted episode; instead, a disclaimer read "The following program contains certain scenes which may not be suitable for mature audiences. Juvenile discretion is advised". There was no preempted episode for the Success and Failure episode (1989) because the producers failed to come up with a preempt.

Opening animation: The Children's Television Sausage Factory

Created by John C. Galt, who was inspired by Terry Gilliam's "gilliamations", the opening animation sequence was a sequence of surreal images set to Rossini's William Tell Overture, performed in a Dixieland jazz arrangement by The National Press Club and Allied Workers Jazz Band. Though the theme music stayed the same throughout the entire series run (1979-1990), the opening animation itself changed in different ways.

  • The Centre Block of the Canadian Parliament complex was used in the first season and in the original hour-long versions of the 1981 season episodes. In this animation sequence, a person pulls the roof off one side of the building, releasing three balloons bearing the likenesses of the three party leaders at the time: Pierre Trudeau, Joe Clark, and Ed Broadbent. Then, a hand from off-screen ignites the bottom of the Peace Tower with a match and it takes off like a rocket. The start of the animation features a likeness of 1979 cast member David Halpin.
  • There are two versions of the "Children's Television Sausage Factory" animation. In this sequence, children are "processed" in the "sausage factory" and deposited onto a school bus at the bottom of the factory that transports them to the TV studio (a likeness of the CJOH studios on Merivale Road in Nepean, Ontario). The first version was created for the half-hour, internationally syndicated versions of the 1981 episodes. The second version, which featured larger images and cleaner (albeit less fluid) scene animation than the first version, was introduced in the beginning 1982 season and used for both the U.S. and Canadian broadcasts of You Can't Do That on Television until the end of the show in 1990.
  • Both versions of the "Children's Television Sausage Factory" animation feature likenesses of Jonothan Gebert, Kevin Somers, Marc Baillon and Christine McGlade exiting the school bus, as well as a likeness of Les Lye as the security guard at the door of the TV studio. This footage was re-used from the opening sequence of 1979's short-lived Whatever Turns You On.
  • The ending of the introduction saw Lye's face in a sketch with his mouth opening up, leading to a stamp put on his face reading You Can't Do That on Television, followed by the screen cracking and finally splitting in 2 pieces which the cast are seen.

Opposites

Each episode had an "opposites" segment, introduced by a visual effect of the screen flipping upside down, shifting left to fade to the next sketch, and then righting itself. Right before this happened, one of the cast would generally be giving a monologue (or several would be having a group conversation) that was interrupted by another cast member with something that would (generally) be opposite what the monologue (or dialogue) was about, all present cast would say, "It must be the introduction to the opposites", and then the inversion fade would happen; several sketches would follow that were a tongue-in-cheek reversal of the show's subject of the day, and also in which the normal principles of daily life were reversed, often with children having authority over adults or with adults encouraging children to behave badly (for example, eating sweets instead of vegetables, or wasting money on something frivolous rather than putting the money in the bank). A show on marketing, for instance, would also have a sketch or four of how not to market something.

Sometimes opposite sketches involved cast members not being hit with slime or water after saying the "trigger phrase" (see below section), as in City Life (1987) or Excess (1989). The slime or water would not fall until after the opposites were over, or sometimes not fall at all. Also, an opposite sketch in Heroes (1982) had Lisa Ruddy slimed for saying "I know," rather than "I don't know" (while other cast members said "I don't know" in that same sketch without anything happening to them).

A return to the show's daily subject was hallmarked by another of these inversion fades, and usually accompanied by one of the cast members saying, "Back to reality." These would sometimes occur in the middle of a sketch, resulting in the characters inverting whatever they were doing just prior to the conclusion of the sketch.

Opposite sketches were used in the inaugural season of the show on CJOH in 1979, but it was not until Whatever Turns You On that they became an integral part of the show.

Firing squad

Most episodes included one or more firing squad sketches, where Les would play the part of a Latin American military officer with a sword in hand preparing to order a firing squad to execute one of the children actors, who were standing in front of a post. The kids would usually find a way to trick Les Lye into walking in front of the post and saying the word "fire", thus getting shot by the firing squad himself, which was a trademark, and happened almost every time.

Every scene had the same basic format.

Captain- "Ready, aim..."

Cast Member- "Wait a minute, stop the execution!"

Captain- "What is it this time?"

The cast member would then make some attempt to stall or stop the execution. Most of the time, the cast member would be successful; however, occasionally, Lye's character would "successfully" complete the scene. On these occasions, the scene would end with "Ready, Aimm..." and the cast member flinching, which is when the squad would fire, but it wasn't shown. There is also one episode in which the cast member cries out to the commander: "Hurry up, hurry up, start the execution!" This, of course, draws the executioner's attention, and they commence fire.

Locker room

Locker room

During the famous "locker room" segment of You Can't Do That on Television, cast members, residing in gym lockers with You Can't Do That on Television painted on them, would tell jokes to each other. The person telling the joke would open their locker, sticking their head out to call another cast member to tell the joke to. For the duration of the joke, those cast members would be the only ones seen with open lockers. When the punchline was delivered, there would be a laugh track and the actors would close their lockers, allowing the process to start again with different people and a different joke. This was almost certainly an homage to the well-known "joke wall" segment on Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In. This feature of the show was also introduced during its first season in 1979 and continued until the end of the series in 1990, with the lockers themselves undergoing a few minor physical makeovers during the show's early years.

Production company

Used in a few episodes in the first two seasons and almost every episode in later seasons, the closing credits of You Can't Do That on Television are followed by an announcement of the "company" that produced the program, with the name generally tying in with the shows main subject. These announcements are given in the form of "'You Can't Do That on Television' is a ______ production." For example, the 1982 "Bullying" episode was a "Black Eye" Production; the 1984 "Marketing" show was a "Can't Give It Away" Production; the "Divorce" episode was a "Split Down The Middle" Production;"Project 131" was a "Changing Day" Production; The "Malls" episode was a "Hang Out to Dry" production. The announcement of the production company generally followed by one final sketch, usually taking place on the link set.

Water, slime and pies

Water

Certain key words would have the major result in cast members having substances poured on them from off-camera. This skit came on throughout every episode (along with the Slime, too). When someone said "water" or "wet", a large amount of water would mysteriously cascade onto him from above. In the early years of the show, cast members (especially Christine) were frequently nailed with pails of water physically thrown on them, but starting in 1981, this began to change to the much more mysterious motif of water falling down on the victim from above. By the 1984 season, the word "wet" had then no longer triggered the water to spray down, thus leaving the job to just the word "water" itself. This, too, was an homage to Laugh-In. Often at times, cast members would try to "dodge" getting hit with water by saying it in Spanish or French, only to still get hit with water.

Slime

Likewise, when someone said "I don't know", green slime, a gooey substance, would pour on him from above. This prank was known as being "slimed." The first episode in which "I don't know" was used as a trigger phrase for the green slime was one of the local episodes seen only on CJOH, broadcast on March 17, 1979—fittingly, St. Patrick's Day. In some early episodes an actor might say "I don't know" as part of the scripted dialogue with no repercussion. In this episode, Lisa Ruddy was the victim of six slimings (a YCDTOTV record). This was a result of continually being asked "What is the largest lake in Canada?", which was the Great Bear Lake. She is then asked how many fish are in it, to which she says "I don't know."[1]

Conversely, the first episode ever to use the slime gag was Episode 6, dated March 10, 1979. In the Detention/Dungeon scene, Tim Douglas is told NOT to pull on his chains by the principal. After he leaves, Tim does just that. A "toilet flushing" sound is heard, and the first YCDTOTV sliming occurs.[2][3] On the link set in Episode 9 (the "Executive Washrooms" episode), Iain Fingler was slimed after saying "I don't know" after being asked how many goldfish the current Members of Parliament in Ottawa have. After he is slimed, Iain went so far as to say "Ouch!".[4]

Nickelodeon quickly adopted "slime" as a feature in several shows it produced, and used it heavily in its marketing. Other colours of slime were occasionally used on the show, as in the following instances:

  • Christine McGlade is slimed in blue in the ending link to the 1982 "Justice and Injustice" episode, because, as Ross (Les Lye) tells her, they ran out of green slime.
  • Christine is slimed in green, red, blue, yellow and "stripes" (red, blue, and yellow at once) in rapid succession in the 1982 "Television" episode, while trying to explain about green slime to then-newcomer Vanessa Lindores. This sketch was later seen in the opening to the hit 1987 film Fatal Attraction.
  • In the 1982 episode "Cosmetics", Lisa Ruddy is slimed with "mud" (like brown slime) for saying "I don't know."
  • Kevin Schenk and Kevin Somers were both hit with white slime in the 1981 "Safety" episode, as part of a recurring series of gags in this episode about "wearing white at night." In this same episode, Christine McGlade was drenched with whitewash.
  • In the 1983 "Media" episode, Lisa Ruddy is slimed with the "new and improved, whiter-than-white" white slime.
  • In the "Enemies and Paranoia" episode from the 1986 season, the studio is taken over by Russian Communists. Uttering the word "free" (as in "freedom") would send a cascade of red slime pouring over whoever said it.
  • The 1989 "Time" episode, which was filmed largely in black and white, featured Chris Bickford doused in white slime and Christian Tessier slimed with black slime.
  • In the 1989 episode "Losing Things", Ted Wilson and Amyas Godfrey are dumped with black slime because they lost the formula for green slime.
  • Les Lye said the famous line when Tony Danza asks him what happens if he takes the wrong cave backstage at the start of the inaugural Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards.

Several different recipes of slime were used during the series' decade-long run, some resulting in thin, watery slime and others in thick, chunky slime. In an interview with YCDTOTV.com, longtime YCDTOTV crew member Bill Buchanan explained the origin of the slime in 1979:

"...one script called for this kinda disgusting slimy green stuff - but with no real indication of what it was going to be used for. ... The description was that it was just something green and slimy and disgusting ... Anyhow, [properties man Paul Copping] mixed up a whole green garbage can ... with slime. I know he'd colored it with green latex paint. God knows what else was in it, but it was disgusting. And it was parked inside the studio door, and everyone was kinda avoiding it because it was really foul looking. I mean, he had like sausages floating in it. ... Then, all of a sudden, we get to the point of the day where it turns out that it's going to be used. It turns out that it's going to get dumped on some kid! ... It was like, "Jeeze, this stuff is probably toxic! You can't dump that on somebody!" So I guess the whole green slime thing was deferred to such time when we had something that wouldn't kill somebody if it were to fall on them. That first stuff never got used. ... Then, I remember being kind of involved in the first attempt to make a green slimy material that would be actually ... not too offensive. When you dumped it on a person's head, you were liable to get it in their eyes, in their mouths and anywhere else. So we concocted some stuff made out of green Jell-o, or gelatin. We made it by the bucket. We bought hundreds of packages of lime Jell-o or gelatin over the years."

—Bill Buchanan, [2]

For several years afterwards, the slime consisted of this mixture of lime green gelatin powder and flour; eventually, oatmeal was added to the recipe, as was baby shampoo so that it would wash out of the actors' hair more easily. Especially in the later years of the show, cast members who were slimed frequently looked upward into the slime as it was falling so that it covered their faces (the same was also true of the waterings).

To avoid damage to the set from water or slime, a clear tarpaulin was placed over the main portion of the set for scenes in which an actor was to be hit with either. The tarpaulin can occasionally be seen and/or heard underneath the actors in these scenes, and in fact the loud splatter sound usually heard during a watering or sliming is due to this tarpaulin. Actors who were scripted to be slimed or have water doused on them would usually appear barefoot in the scene.

Green Slime grew to become a trademark image for Nickelodeon. They later introduced Green Slime shampoo, which was a frequent parting gift for contestants on Nick's popular game show Double Dare, where slime was heavily used, along with several variations such as 'gak' or 'gooze'. Mattel even sold Nickelodeon slime and gak in the 1990s. Nickelodeon's former studios in Orlando had a green slime geyser and green slime is still dumped on the host of the annual Kids Choice Awards at the end of the ceremony, and on at least one celebrity during the ceremony. It is also still used in ads showing the network's current stars getting slimed from all sides in slow motion, and is used to slime the winner at the end of the Nick game show BrainSurge, which debuted in 2009.

Pies

The classic slapstick pie-in-the-face gag was also frequently used on YCDTOTV, although pie scenes were most common during the early years of the show. One whole episode, 1981's Drugs, was constructed completely around the pie-in-the-face gag: to avoid the wrath of the censors, the episode showed the cast getting "high" by pieing themselves continuously over and over, comparing the stupidity of hitting oneself with a pie to the stupidity of taking drugs. Unlike the slime and water, pies were not triggered by any certain word or phrase.

Cast

Les Lye

Les Lye's career as an actor and broadcaster on television and radio has spanned half a century. He served briefly in the armed forces before enrolling at the University of Toronto. Lye earned a Bachelor of Arts degree and went on to study at Lorne Greene's Academy of Radio Arts.

In 1948, Lye moved to Ottawa to join CFRA, a talk radio station founded by Frank Ryan. It was there that he became a popular radio announcer and emcee. After briefly returning to Toronto to work at radio station CKEY, Lye went back to CFRA with a new on-air personality he created named Abercrombie and became one of the station's most popular voices. In 1958, Lye decided to venture into television. His first job was co-hosting a talk show program called Contact.

In 1961, Lye began creating comic characters for Bill Luxton's TV morning show in Ottawa. The two later teamed up and created the hit TV show Uncle Willy and Floyd. The half-hour program featured slapstick humour, puppets and gags and was eventually syndicated across Canada. The show featured many guest stars, including Margaret Trudeau, Alanis Morissette and Rich Little. It ran for 22 years. In 2003, Lye and Luxton were honoured with a lifetime achievement award from the Alliance of Canadian Cinema for their work on Uncle Willy and Floyd.

Lye continued to work for several TV networks, including the CBC, CTV and Global until his passing in July 2009.

Lye's characters

Lye was initially the only adult cast member on the show and he appeared on every episode of every season. His role was twofold. He played adult roles in skits. According to Christine McGlade: "Without Les Lye, there would be no You Can't Do That on Television". Lye played literally dozens of adult male (and some adult female) characters during the shows tenure, but among his most popular characters included:

  • Ross Ewich, the CJOH-TV studio director (his name is a send-up of the phrase, "raw sewage")
  • Senator Lance Prevert, the drunken, ne'er-do-well husband and father, whose character was conceived based on the stereotypical view of a Canadian Senator
  • Barth Bagge, owner and chef of the local hamburger diner, whose burgers included just about everything but fresh beef
  • Mr. Schidtler, the tyrannical schoolteacher who bore a physical resemblance to Adolf Hitler
  • Nasti, the German dungeon master
  • El Capitano, captain of the South American firing squad hired to shoot kids for various trivial offenses (such as not getting their homework done), but who usually succeeded only in getting shot himself
  • A school principal who would make kids copy thousands of pages out of a dictionary.
  • A football coach
  • Blip, the money-grubbing owner of the local video arcade
  • Snake Eyes, the reckless school bus driver who actually enjoyed causing accidents
  • A money-grubbing doctor, a parody of Groucho Marx (the character of the doctor was replaced in the 1989 and 1990 seasons by a dentist, who enjoyed inflicting pain on his patients)
  • A camp counselor

Ross, Senator Prevert, Mr. Schidtler, the principal and the coach are Lye's only characters to appear in every season of You Can't Do That on Television. Barth debuted on Whatever Turns You On, the doctor, Nasti and El Capitano first appeared in 1981, Blip in 1983, and Snake Eyes in 1984. Some characters were dropped or changed over time; for example, Blip disappeared from the show after 1985 because of a decline in the popularity of video arcades due to the advent of home video game consoles. Two of Lye's early characters who frequently appeared on the show during the first two seasons, Mr. Nickelson Dime (president of CJOH-TV in the local episodes, and of T.H.E. Television Network in Whatever Turns You On) and Seth Pool (a well-meaning but dimwitted elderly janitor whose name was a play on the word cesspool), never appeared on the show again after 1981.

While most of Lye's characters were adult males, he sometimes also played adult female roles, such as Barth's Mother in the "Relatives" episode (1985) and the Blue Fairy in a Pinocchio sketch in the episode "Fairy Tales, Myths and Legends" (1986).

Ruth Buzzi

Laugh-In veteran Ruth Buzzi played the adult female roles on the short-lived 1979 YCDTOTV spinoff on CTV, Whatever Turns You On. Among Buzzi's many roles were Mrs. Prevert (Mom); the old lady in the movie theatre; Miss Fit, the strict schoolteacher; Miss Take (Mr. Nickelson Dime's secretary, who spoke with a Southern accent); Miss Time (Ross's assistant, the script girl); and Lois (chef at the studio canteen, a predecessor of Les Lye's Barth character).

After WTYO was canceled, there was no adult female actress on YCDTOTV until 1982 when Abby Hagyard joined the cast. Adult female roles during the 1981 season (such as the old lady at the theatre and Mr. Dime's secretary) were played by Christine McGlade.

Abby Hagyard

Abby Hagyard joined the cast of You Can't Do That on Television beginning in the 1982 season, and from then until the end of the show 1990 Haygard played most of the show's adult female roles. Her two most common roles were as housewife and mother Valerie Prevert (wife of Senator Lance Prevert), and as the Librarian, a curmudgeonly old lady who spoke in a high-pitched British-type accent. Most of Abby's other characters were one-shot roles, such as Grandma (Senator Prevert's mother) in the "Relatives" episode (1985).

A common trait of many of Hagyard's characters was that they always wore gloves; Abby Hagyard related in her interview with YCDTOTV.com that Nickelodeon insisted she cover her hands with gloves when playing Mrs. Prevert because her hands were too "elegant" to belong to a housewife.

Kid Actors

Over 100 child actors appeared on YCDTOTV between 1979 and 1990. Some of the most notable cast members included:

  • Stephanie Bauder 1989–1990
  • Nick Belcourt 1989 - A running gag this season involved Nick's inability to remember that his name was "Nick" and not "Ted", which reportedly stemmed from Nick's reading Ted's lines by accident one day during a script read-through.
  • Chris Bickford 1989–1990 - The 3rd and final official host of the show in its last two seasons, whose trademark was his black leather jacket.
  • Jennifer Brackenbury 1989–1990 - Jennifer was the butt of most of the "fat jokes" in the show's last two seasons, usually delivered by Christian.
  • Carlos Braithwaite 1989–1990
  • Justin Cammy 1983–1985
  • Stephanie Chow 1984–1987
  • Angie Coddett ("Angie the Talking Doll") 1981–1984
  • Eugene Contreras 1982–1985
  • Jonothan Gebert ("Jono") 1979–1981
  • Alasdair Gillis 1982–1986 - The show's "teen heartthrob," promoted to co-host with Christine McGlade beginning in 1985.
  • Amyas Godfrey 1986–1989 - Younger brother of Matthew Godfrey, and one of only two 1987 cast members to carry over to the 1989 cast after the 1988 hiatus.
  • Matthew Godfrey 1986–1987 - The show's resident "nerdy know-it-all."
  • Adam Kalbfleisch 1984–1986
  • Martin Kerr 1981–1983 - His younger sister Pauline was also a cast member in 1984.
  • Kevin Kubusheskie 1981–1984 - Later formed his own production company, "Kids Next Door Productions," and became a writer and producer for the show in 1989.
  • Vanessa Lindores 1982–1987 - Constantly fought with Doug Ptolemy.
  • Christine McGlade 1979–1986 - Longtime hostess of the show, Christine was usually referred to by her nickname "Moose." Christine was the longest kid member on the show.
  • Brodie Osome 1981–1983
  • Doug Ptolemy 1982–1987 - Delighted in making trouble, especially for Vanessa.
  • Adam Reid 1984–1987 - Later became a writer for the show in 1989.
  • Lisa Ruddy 1979–1985 - Christine's chatty sidekick, nicknamed "Motormouth," who spent much of her time on the show trading fat jokes with Christine.
  • Kevin Schenk 1979–1981
  • Sariya Sharp 1989–1990 - Sariya's trademark was almost constant whining about her mother forbidding her to have her ears pierced.
  • Marjorie Silcoff 1984–1985
  • Kevin Somers 1979–1981
  • Amy Stanley 1989–1990 - Younger sister of cast member Jill Stanley, and delighted in tormenting her. Amy was also the only cast member born after YCDTOTV's premiere in February 1979.
  • Jill Stanley 1989–1990 - Jill's "character" on the show was constantly forgetting her lines.
  • Christian Tessier 1989–1990
  • Ted Wilson 1989–1990

Alanis Morissette & Klea Scott

Alanis Morissette, a cast member in five episodes of the 1986 season of You Can't Do That on Television, later became a highly successful singer and songwriter. Klea Scott, a cast member from 1982 to 1984, later starred in the prime-time television dramas Brooklyn South, Millennium, and Intelligence.

Cast comments

Cast member Justin Cammy, now a professor at Smith College, described the show like this:

You Can't Do That on Television was the first post-modern children's program of my generation. It subverted all recognizable forms and deconstructed the pre-teen's understanding of such important institutions as the family, the school and the video arcade. When the schoolteacher did not know any better than to call Milton's masterpiece "Pair of Dice Lost", the program functioned as an ideological clarion call to future college students like you who would go on to demand the displacement of an ossified Western canon with more relevant investigations of low culture.

Something Else and Don't Look Now!

Between the 1981 and 1982 seasons of YCDTOTV, several of the show's cast members, including Christine McGlade, Lisa Ruddy, Jonothan Gebert, and Kevin Somers, served as hosts on a short-lived Saturday-morning live game show on CJOH titled Something Else. Something Else was developed and directed by the Price/Darby team, and Christine McGlade was credited as a producer. Like the early episodes of YCDTOTV, Something Else incorporated elements of musical variety, with a female DJ from radio station CHEZ-FM as a guest host and performances by local bands; the chief difference was that comedy sketches took a back seat to the games and competitions. According to Geoffrey Darby, the chief purpose of the show was to keep the hosts' acting skills in shape while he and Price got to work writing the 1982 season of YCDTOTV; thus, the series lasted only about ten episodes.

Some time later, after YCDTOTV had established itself on Nickelodeon, Price and Darby made a YCDTOTV-like series called Don't Look Now! for PBS in the U.S. in 1983. Don't Look Now!, made at WGBH-TV in Boston, featured a format very similar to the local 1979 and 1981 seasons of YCDTOTV, with taped comedy sketches interspersed with live call-in competitions (though, due to PBS regulations on prizing, the only prize that could be given away was a T-shirt with the show's logo on it) and music videos. The show also had its own version of YCDTOTV's green slime, called "Yellow Yuck," which was triggered by the phrase "Don't Blame Me!"

As Geoffrey Darby told YCDTOTV.com, Don't Look Now! was made after production on the 1982 season of YCDTOTV had wrapped up, when they were unsure whether Nickelodeon would renew the series for another season. Although the show was highly rated, it did not fit in with PBS' largely educational program roster and was condemned by parents and critics alike, thus leading to the cancellation of the show after only about ten episodes.

See also

References

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

You Can't Do That on Television (1979–1990) was a sketch-comedy television program for pre-teens produced at CJOH-TV in Ottawa, and aired in the United States on Nickelodeon, in Canada on CTV and YTV, and in other countries around the world.

Contents

Recurring Quotes

  • Kid: [After outsmarting one of the adult characters] Sometimes it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself. [On occasion, the adult characters would also use this phrase after outsmarting the children.]
  • Kids at Barth's: What/Who do you think's in the burgers?
Barth: D'oh, I heard that!
  • Mr. Schidtler: Where does the school board find them and why do they keep sending them to me?!!!
  • El Capitano: That's one sneeeeeky keed!
  • El Capitano: [During the firing squad sketches] Ready, aim...
Kid: Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop the execution!
El Capitano: What is it this time?!
  • Kid: [During the dungeon sketches] But you can't do this, this is torture!
Nasti: I know!
  • One Kid: Either [Insert out-of-the-ordinary occurrence or unusual actions of one particular character here], or this has got to be...
All the Kids: ...just the Introduction to the Opposites!

Season 1 (1979)

Episode One [1.1]

CJOH Shoestring [1.2]

Christine: Some people have asked us, "Why doesn't anyone in the studio laugh at our jokes, like on other comedy shows?" Well, the truth is, they're not really laughing on other comedy shows. What you're hearing is canned laughter, like this. [A few seconds of a canned laugh track plays.] They put that on there to try to make you laugh, in case you don't laugh at their jokes. We, however, do not do this. [Dramatic music begins to play in the background as Christine speaks.] We believe comedy should stand on its own! We have faith in the discernment, intelligence and good taste of you, our viewing audience! -- And also, canned laughter costs a lot; we can't afford it. [The dramatic music abruptly ends. Ironically, despite Christine's badmouthing of canned laughter in this sketch, canned laughter would become part of the spinoff "Whatever Turns You On" a few months later, and of "YCDTOTV" itself by 1982.]

Episode Three [1.3]

Episode Four [1.4]

Episode Five [1.5]

Episode Six [1.6]

Episode Seven [1.7]

Bradfield: Dad, what's the definition of "ignorance and apathy"?
Senator Prevert: I don't know, and I don't give a sh-... care.

Episode Eight [1.8]

Executive Washrooms [1.9]

[Mr. Schidtler is returning test papers]
Sarah: Hey Moose, I think he likes me!
Christine: What makes you say that?
Sarah: Well, he put all these kisses on my paper!
[Sarah shows Christine her test paper covered with red "X"'s]
Christine: She's so naive.

Episode Ten [1.10]

Episode Eleven [1.11]

Episode Twelve [1.12]

Episode Thirteen [1.13]

Season 2 (1981)

Work [2.1]

Transportation [2.2]

Strike Now [2.3]

a blooper from the original live and local version of this episode, as aired in 1981 on CJOH:
Kevin Kubusheskie: So, come on down to Camp Fortune, because... (gets blank look on his face, and turns to Moose) ...because???
Christine: (still walking around the link set carrying her "On Strike" sign) Listen, I'm not gonna tell ya they have to answer the question, all right?
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and answer a simple question. ... What is it, Rod?
Rodney: Well, the question is, "What is the name of our floor director"?
Christine: HEY! Hey, I know that one! Yeah, I know, I know!
Ross: No, wait a minute, you can't play, because you're on strike! Heh heh!
Christine: Aw...
Kevin Schenk: Anyway, if you see our Mystery Skiier, all you have to do is come down to Camp Fortune, and find out what Ross's name is. (realizes what he has just said) Ross? ... Aww....
Christine: (smacks Kevin in the head with her sign) Youuuuuuu LUNKHEAD! Ugh! ... Well, what about the last thing?
Kevin K.: (blankly) What last thing?
Christine: The Roving Camera! JEEZ!
Kevin K.: Oh yeah, and that's where our Roving Camera will be, so come on down and tell a joke or give us your views on dating... (grins mischeviously) girls.
Christine: Oh, and boys! Don't forget boys!
Kevin S.: Shut up, Moose, you're on strike!

Dating [2.4]

Fitness [1.5]

Safety First [2.6]

Christine: On water safety - the safest thing to do on this show is not to mention water.
[Christine is drenched and shrieks]
Christine: See what I mean?
[More water is poured on Christine, and she shrieks again]

Sexual Equality [2.7]

Rodney: In my school, they have washrooms for boys, washrooms for girls, and washrooms for teachers. Now, what I want to know is, are teachers a different sex from everyone else?

Brodie: They think with all these jokes about washrooms, I'm going to be dumb enough to mention water? Well, I'm NOT! ... Oh, no... I just did!
[Christine throws a bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: That's not fair!
Christine: Oh, yes it is. You guys wanted to do the links just like me! Well, that's what happens to me every week - sometimes TWICE.
[Christine throws another bucket of water on Brodie]
Brodie: Now that was truly not fair!

Brodie: [Sees Christine standing above him on a ladder, holding a bucket of slime] What are you doing up there, Moose?
Christine: Well, I'm just standing here with this bucket full of coagulating green slime, waiting for you to say the magic words so I can dump it all over you.
Brodie: What magic words?
Christine: The magic words, "I don't know"! ... Oops, I didn't say that, did I? Oh no...
[Christine is slimed, and Brodie laughs hysterically]
Christine: That's not fair! I didn't - I - I - I...

Personal Hygiene [2.8]

Smoking [2.9]

Crime & Vandalism [2.10]

Drugs [2.11]

Christine: As you may have guessed this week's show is about drugs. Except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air. 'You can't do that on television.' Anyway. The idea that anyone would want to push a custard pie in their own face is just about as stupid as the idea that anyone would want to harm their bodies with dangereous and additive drugs, I mean custard pies. Sure they're kinda fun, but I don't need them. I mean I'm not addicted to them or anything! Excuse me.
[Walks off stage to a table of custard pies]
Christine: You don't have to follow me with that camera. I finished the introduction. Can't a girl get any pies in privacy....any privacy for pies? I don't need them...
[In walk 3 other cast members. Their faces are covered with custard pie remnants]
Kevin: Listen man, you gotta splat pies sometime.
Christine: No, Kevin, I don't gotta do nothing.
Mike: It's good for you man, gives you a nice sticky feeling on your face.
Angie: It's not bad for you Christine. You won't get addicted or anything.
[Kevin splats a pie in his face]
Christine: I just don't understand the point. You spend all your money on pies. You mess yourself up. Your clothes...your school work suffers... You get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.
Kevin: Listen sister, don't knock it til you try it.
Christine: Well I'm not going to try it. I think you guys are all deplorable.
[Christine walks off leaving the remaing 3 with the pies on the table]
Mike: Waste not. Want not.
Kevin: Right on.
[The rest remain and continue to splat pies in their faces repeatedly]

Angie: [With pie cream remnants smeared all over her face] What I want to know is, how can my mother tell I'm a custard pie user?

[Kevin Schenk walks up to Angie and pulls her string.]
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, how do I stop smoking?
Angie: Where there's smoke, there's fire.
[Angie dumps a bucket of water over Kevin's head.]

Christine: Mike, pretty soon the splat you get from pies just won't be enough, and then you'll move on to bigger things - like green slime!
Mike: Don't be stupid, Christine. I won't go for that stuff. Besides, it's dangerous.
Christine: Don't lie to me, Mike! You're already splooshing slime, aren't you?
Mike: No, of course not! ... How did you know?
Christine: (examining Mike's T-shirt) Oh, I can tell the signs. Green stains don't wash out as easy as pie. HA! Get it? As "easy as pie"! ... Oh, sorry - serious show. Go ahead, be ashamed.
Mike: Oh Christine, I'm so ashamed. I gotta sploosh now. You don't have to watch if you don't want to.
Christine: Mike, DON'T!
Mike: I gotta! I gotta! Right now!
Christine: No! Mike! Ohh!
(Mike dumps a bucket of green slime over his head.)
Mike: (shivering) Oh, I can feel it running all over me... slithering down the back of my neck and slopping through my shirt... ohhhhhh...
Christine: You're disgusting!
Mike: Oh Christine, help me, please... (reaches out to hug Christine)
Christine: (recoiling) NO! UGH!!!!!!!

[Another "Angie the Talking Doll" sketch.]
Angie: Hello, I'm Angie the Talking Doll.
Kevin: Angie, do you splat pies?
Angie: I may be stuffed with sawdust, kid, but I'm not that stupid!

[Opposite sketch]
Mr. Shidtler: Michael Lyon, did I see you cheating just now?
Mike: No, sir.
Mr. Shidtler: Why not? You know the answers?
Mike: No, sir.
Mr. Shidtler: Oh. Well, wanna look at mine?

[after begin watered]
Christine: It's not fair! I don't even splat pies! I'm a pure, innocent, and honest girl.
[The crew starts laughing... enough said.]

Nutrition[2.12]

  • Christine: (sipping from a glass of milk) Ahh - milk. Just chock full of vitamins and minerals, and protein, which is very good for your ha- (remembering that when she mentioned earlier that eating eggs is good for your hair, an egg was dropped on her, she thinks of something else) ... uh, your skin! Good for your skin. (she is drenched with a shower of milk from above) ... Whoever writes these clever little ditties should be advised that writing may be hazardous to your health. (takes out a gun and points it at the camera)

Peer Pressure [2.13]

Season 3 (1982)

Cosmetics [3.1]

Elizabeth was sent to detention for putting on makeup in class, and has just been busted by the principal for putting on more makeup in detention.
Principal: Elizabeth, you know it's against the rules to wear makeup during school hours!
Elizabeth: But sir, it's after school hours now, isn't it?
Principal: It's still against the rules to wear makeup in school.
Elizabeth: Oh, dear. Well, I don't want to break any more rules. I guess I'd better leave right away.
Principal: I guess you'd better. And let this be a lesson to you, never to wear makeup in school again.
Elizabeth: All right, I won't. [She leaves]
Principal: [Suddenly realizing he's been tricked] ...Wait a minute!... Just once, why can't I win just once?!

Lisa: Christine, do you ever use face cream?
Christine: Yeah, once in a while I'll put some on, just to keep my skin from drying out.
Lisa: Well, I have found a brand new one that works wonders and is very cheap!
Christine: Oh, great! Let me have some.
Lisa: Yes, it's called, "Face Cream Pie."
Christine: "Face Cream Pie"...
[Lisa shoves a pie into Christine's face]
Christine: Someday, Lisa Ruddy, pow - right in the kisser.

Addictions [3.2]

Popularity [3.3]

Fads & Fashions [3.4]

[Doug enters the living room wearing a kilt]
Mr. Prevert: Ha! When I was your age, I wouldn't have been caught dead wearing a skirt!
Doug: It's not a skirt, it's a kilt. And when you were my age, probably all you had to wear was dinosaur skins.
Mr. Prevert: Actually, they were saber-toothed tiger skins. Dinosaur skins went out with the caveman.

[An Opposite Sketch. In this sketch, Christine, Lisa and Doug lean in progressively closer toward Kevin, who is wearing a leather jacket, and finally are leaning in so close that he falls out of his desk.]
Christine: Look whose Mommy didn't make him wear a sailor suit to school!
Lisa: ...Who dresses like a punk!
Doug: ...Who isn't Mommy's little darling!
Christine: ...Who's not a big sissy!

Vacations [3.5]

Rip-Offs [3.6]

Christine: Hi, and welcome to another episode of "You Can't Do That On Television". This shows is packed full of brand-new, super-duper, funny and zany comedy, it's all new and even better than before. (Suddenly, the credits start rolling.) Wait a second. Stop. Stop. Hold it! Stop. (The credits stop rolling and fade out.)
Ross: Well, what is it now?
Christine: What do you mean, "what is it now"? Why were the closing credits rolling? I hadn't even finished my introduction.
Ross: It's my newest idea for saving money, a little tip I picked up from the advertisers. What you do is, you call the show all-new and better than ever, and then you present the viewers with less content.
Christine: Yeah, sounds good so far, but how does that save money?
Ross: That's the beauty of it. We only do a two minute show, then we only have to pay you kids for two minutes and I get the rest!
Christine: Yeah. Forget it, Ross.
Ross: Well, it was worth a try.
Christine: The things some people will do to make a buck.

Bullying [3.7]

Culture Junk [3.8]

[An Opposite Sketch. A young man comes in wearing a trenchcoat, hat and sunglasses, carrying a violin case]
Mr. Prevert: Hey Kevin! Come here. Where do you think you're going with that? [points to the violin case]
Kevin: I'm gonna go shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.
[Kevin opens the violin case to reveal a machine gun]
Mr Prevert: I thought you were going to some boring violin lesson or something like that. Go on. Have fun!

Television [3.9]

[An Opposite Sketch. Kevin and Lisa are watching TV in the bedroom, and there are some near-erotic sounds coming from the TV, in Kevin and Lisa's voices: "Oh, Kevin!" "Oh, Lisa!" Suddenly there's a knock at the door]
Lisa: Uh oh...
Mrs. Prevert: Lisa, have you got that television set on in there?!
Lisa: Uh, no Mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Well then, what's going on in there? I heard voices.
Lisa: I've got a boy in here with me!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, that's okay then. Just don't let me catch you with that television set on.
Lisa: Right, Mom! [To Kevin] We've got her mad now; I guess we'd better turn it off!
Kevin: Just as it was getting interesting!
Lisa: What do we do now?
Kevin: Got any cards?

Christine: Listen, I know you're kind of new to this, so if you have any questions, just ask me.
Vanessa: Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.
Christine: Sure.
Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?
Christine: Oh. Well, first they take some wa-- some liquid, and then they add some flour, some Jell-O powder, sometimes some soap. Then they dump it all over me.
Vanessa: (looking up) Where do they dump it from?
Christine: Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that too. I just don't know.
(Christine is slimed.)
Vanessa: Very interesting. Is it always green?
Christine: Well, yeah, usually it is, but I guess it could be red,
(Christine is red slimed.)
Christine: or blue,
(Christine is blue slimed.)
Christine: or yellow.
(Christine is yellow slimed.)
Christine: Yeah. All right, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!
(Christine is striped slimed - green, red, blue and yellow all at once.)
Vanessa: (also covered in slime.) Gee, it must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?
Christine: Well it usually washes off with water.
(Christine and Vanessa are drenched.)
Christine: Usually.

Mr. Schidtler: All right class, for homework tonight, I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. All right, class dismissed.
Kevin: Wow, what a lousy homework assignment.
Lisa: I think it's a terrific homework assignment.
Kevin: But you know I never do my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV programs.

Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television can now be seen in Prime Slime Viewing Hours.
Christine: Don't you mean, "Prime Time" Viewing Hours?
[Christine is slimed]
Announcer: [Laughing] Nope, I mean, "Prime Slime" Viewing Hours!
Christine: Figures. What else? ... Thanks!

Heroes [3.11]

[Two Boy Scouts are sitting on a house's front porch with a case of bottled beer
Boy Scouts: [Singing with drunk voices] Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer...
Scoutmaster: [Blows whistle] Empty bottles! You were supposed to collect empty bottles!
Boy Scout: [in a drunk voice] We've been emptying them.... [Belch]

The-Not-So-Fair Show (Justice/Injustice) [3.12]

Christine: [Takes a fingerful of icing from the chocolate cake before her on the table, then thinks better of it] Oh... no, I can't do it. It's a good thing I stopped myself in time. A little chocolate cake binge would have meant another five pounds. Oh, I wish I was thin!
[A puff of smoke, and the Unfairy Godmother appears]
Unfairy Godmother: Sorry, but I had trouble hearing that last part.
Christine: I said I wish I was thinner.
Unfairy Godmother: Thinner! And so you shall be!
[Another puff of smoke, and Christine is changed into a can of Paint Thinner]
Unfairy Godmother: The Unfairy Godmother strikes again! ... Wait a minute, I just thought of something; I was going to paint my gazebo this weekend. [Picks up the can of paint thinner and walks off]

Growing Up [3.13]

Christine: You know, when you're doing a TV show and you're trying to remember your lines like I am right now, you tend to develop a lot of really strange fears. Sometimes you'll forget some of the teapots. ... No, no, what I meant to say is sometimes you'll forget some of the whips. ... Okay, the words. Sometimes you'll forget the words, and you'll leave out an important cabbage. ... Forget it, let's just go on to the next cream pie.

Season 4 (1983)

Pets [4.1]

[Throughout the show, Lisa has told jokes referring you Christine as a dog.]
Christine: Hey, Lisa.
Lisa: Yeah, Christine?
Christine: Lisa, do you know what I do to cute, little cohostesses who keep calling me a dog?
Lisa: Oh, I don't know! (she gets slimed)
Christine: I, uh, get my revenge.

Rules and Regulations [4.2]

Christine: Well, that's our show and---
The Crew: Oh, thank goodness!

Manners or Bad Habits [4.3]

[The classroom. Lisa is jabbering away to Christine, who is sitting in the desk behind her, and doesn't hear Mr. Schidtler call her name several times.]
Mr. Schidtler: LISA!!!!!
Lisa: What?!
Mr. Schidtler: Lisa, please do not talk with your mouth open.
Lisa: Sir, don't you mean "Do not talk with your mouth full"?
Mr. Schidtler: No, I mean, "Do not talk with your mouth open."
Lisa: Well, how else am I supposed to talk?!
Mr. Schidtler: Exactly.
[The rest of the classroom erupts in applause]

Christine: [Reading aloud from the show's producers' book of etiquette, on table manners] "It is generally considered impolite to wolf your cookies while reciting your multiplication tables."

Medicine [4.4]

Mrs. Prevert: How many times do I have to tell you...
Lisa: Aw, Mom...
Mrs. Prevert: Don't "Aw, Mom" me! How many times do I have to tell you not to play Doctor with that Johnny!
Lisa: But Mom, there's nothing wrong in that!
Mrs. Prevert: "Nothing wrong in that"?! I've told you again and again, Johnny is a specialist! It's costing us a fortune! If you're going to play Doctor, I want you to play it with Ralph. He's a general practitioner.

Future World [4.5]

Mike: Did you see my picture in the paper yesterday, sir? I'm carrier of the week.
Mr. Prevert: I never read the newspaper, son.
Mike: That's what everyone says on my route. No one ever reads their papers anymore.
Mr. Prevert: That's right, everyone gets their news from the teletext on TV.
Mike: Then why do you all still get a newspaper?
Mr. Prevert: Cause we haven't found any way to wrap up kitty litter in a television set.

Mrs. Prevert [to Dougie, her son] So you see Dougie dear, as long as we have more and bigger bombs than the Russians, there will never have a nuclear war. So I want you to go to sleep now and tomorrow I'll tell you another fairy tale.

Media [4.6]

Inequality: Kids vs Adults [4.7]

Nature [4.8]

(At Blip's Arkaid)
Alasdair: What's that game you're playing? I've never seen it before.
Kevin: Well, it's brand new. It's a game desgined about the great outdoors and animals and trees and stuff like that.
Alasdair: Yeah, it looks okay. What's it called?
Kevin: "Backpack-Man", of course.
Alasdair: Of course.

Cooking [4.9]

Corey: I can't stand to eat any more of this junk Barth tries to pass off as food. His cooking's disgusting!
Christine: Oh, it's not that bad. In fact, did you know that Barth is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?
Corey: You've got to be kidding.
Christine: Oh, no - he's wanted in seventeen states for food poisoning.
Barth: D'oh, I heard that!

Christine: You know, I took home economics once.
The Crew: (sarcastically) YOU WOULDN'T KNOW IT!
Christine: Thanks a lot, guys.

Classical Music [4.10]

Christine: [Introducing the show] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television, another in a series of sour notes.

Rumors [4.11]

Fame [4.12]

Priorities [4.13]

Ross: CUE!
Christine: I haven't read the script! I don't know what today's show...
[Christine is slimed]
Christine: ...is about.
Ross: [Laughing] It's about Priorities!
Christine: Priorities, huh? Yah. Well, I think that from now on, my biggest priority in life will be, never again to say "I don't know".
[Christine is slimed again]

Season 5 (1984)

Friends [5.1]

ESP - Magic Astrology [5.2]

Hobbies [5.3]

Christine: You know, the producers of this show collect something... idiots.

History [5.4]

Courage [5.5]

Body Parts [5.6]

[(Lisa and Alasdair run to the front door, holding buckets filled with body parts. The ring the doorbell and Valerie answers it.)]
Valerie:: Yes?
Alasdair: Oh well, hi, we're on a spare body parts run, and we wonder whether you have anything to donate.
Valerie:: Well, yes I do. (Grabs Lance by his shoulders) A complete set. (Lance complains she Valerie shuts the door)

Marketing [5.7]

Foreign Countries [5.8]

Pauline: Hey Angie, did you know I can speak a foreign language?
Angie: Really? I didn't know that, let me hear you.
Pauline: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having."
Angie: "Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having"? That's not a foreign language!
Pauline: Yes it is, it's English.
Angie: Well, I know it's English.
Pauline: Well, England is a foreign country.

Christine: Oh Eugene, look! They put up the name of the foster child the school adopted.
Eugene: Oh yeah, he's from the Philippines.
Christine: Yeah. Do they ever have weird names there. Look at this... "AI DO KNO".
Eugene: Don't you know anything about the Philippines? The A is silent, The O is pronounced O and the K is silent. His name is "I don't know".
[Eugene is slimed]
Christine: You're new on this show, aren't you Eugene?

Literature [5.9]

Moving [5.10]

Technology [5.11]

Christine: Okay, all of you who want to hear nothing but silence coming from Lisa Ruddy...
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, I know I must have a fan out there somewhere, if you write me I'll say your name, oh please, oh...
Christine: ...Please touch the green square now!
Lisa: Oh please, oh please, oh...
[The audience "votes" for Lisa to lose her voice. Lisa immediately shuts up.]
Christine: Aww, too bad Lisa, I guess all your fans were out to lunch today!
[Lisa holds up a sign that says, "I'LL GET YOU MOOSE!"]

Christine: [Reading Lisa's note] "My link is the introduction to the commercials, and if we don't have any commercials, we don't get paid." ... Oh, I get it! It's time to test the audience voting device again! Okay now, everybody who wants to see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, go ahead and touch the green square on the bottom of your screen. Touch now!
[The vote fails. Lisa writes Christine another note.]
Christine: [Reading note] "Try something more imaginative." ... Oh, I know! Eugene, come here, sit down.
[Eugene Contreras walks over and sits down]
Christine: Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene here, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, touch the green square on the bottom of your screen.
[The vote fails again.]
Christine: Okay, I've got it this time. Now, all of you who want to see something really horrible happen to Eugene, and see Lisa get her voice back and watch some commercials so I can get paid, and see Vanessa... where's Vanessa?
[Vanessa Lindores walks over and sits down]
Christine: And see Vanessa here get hit with water, just touch the...
[Christine is drenched.]
Christine: ...green square on your screen!
[This time the vote passes. Vanessa is hit with water, and Lisa laughs out loud.]
Christine: Wait a minute! What about the something really horrible that was supposed to happen to Eugene?!
[Eugene gets a pie in the face.]
Lisa: And now it's time for the commercials!

[Vanessa and Eugene are on the school bus and are wearing TV wristwatches.]
Vanessa: These new wristwatch televisions are great. I don't miss the soaps anymore.
Eugene: And I don't miss the football games anymore.
[Snakeeyes is also wearing one and watching it but he is not watching the road.]
Snakeeyes: And I don't miss... [looks ahead] ...THE TREES ANYMORE!! [they crash into a tree.]

Ambition [5.12]

Ben: What's your ambition in life?
Doug: To grow up big and strong.
Ben: Oh, you mean like me?
Doug: No!
Ben: Better watch it, Doug, or you'll never live to fulfill your ambition!
Lisa: Ben, don't talk to Doug like he was a dog! Christine will get very jealous.
Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: Was it always your ambition to become an actress?
Lisa: Why, yes it was.
Christine: What went wrong?

Clubs [5.13]

Holidays [5.14]

Colleges [5.15]

Halloween [5.16]

Christine: [putting a curse on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat. Toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.

Alasdair: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Lisa: Actually, no, I just took my little sister around, but it's funny, I got more treats than she did!
Alasdair: Why, what were you wearing?
Lisa: Well, nothing special, just my gray pants and...
Christine: Oh, well that explains it, then.
Lisa: Explains what?
Christine: Well, you were probably the best imitation of an elephant they'd ever seen.
Lisa: Oh, Christine?
Christine: Yes, Lisa?
Lisa: Did you go out trick-or-treating?
Christine: Actually, no, I just stayed home and helped to hand out the treats.
Lisa: I thought so.
Christine: What do you mean?
Lisa: All night long I kept hearing about the "witch" on your street!

Christmas [5.17]

Lisa: Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.
Ross: It was nothing.
Christine: Almost!

Politics [5.18]

War [5.19]

Science [5.20]

Christine: You know, Lisa Ruddy always reminded me of a fossil.
Lisa: Well thank you very much, Christine. You mean you think I make a lasting impression?
Christine: Well, there's that, and there's the fact that your head is as hard as a rock.

Divorce [5.21]

Ross: I got some bad news. The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.
Alasdair: Oh, great! For a minute there, I thought it was something really serious.
Ross: But wait a minute, it is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show. (Suddenly, we hear someone moaning.)
Christine: What was that?
Ross: The producer. They just told him.
Lisa: I still don't get it. So she gets half of the show. What's the big deal?
Ross: The big deal is she's taking her half of this show right now.
Christine: Okay, Ross. You tell us. Which half of the show does she get?
(Suddenly, the left half of the screen goes blank.)
Ross: That half.

Families [5.22]

Lisa: (at Barth's) Alasdair, where's Stephanie Chow? Wasn't she supposed to meet us here?
Barth: (sets plates of food in front of Lisa and Alasdair) Here's your chow!
Lisa: Oh Barth... you didn't!
Barth: What are you talking about?
Alasdair: You, putting poor little Stephanie Chow in the burger mix! That's murder!
Barth: Oh, you mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? I couldn't put her in the burger mixture!
Lisa: I knew even you wouldn't do something like that.
Barth: Of course not! I don't serve Chinese food! And besides, there's not enough meat on her bones to even bother with. (Stephanie then turns up beating frantically on Barth's chest, trying to free herself from his grasp)

Malls or Hangouts [5.23]

Christine: Hey, Adam?
Adam: Yes, Christine?
Christine: Have you noticed that lately Lisa's been hanging out a lot?
Adam: Yeah, I know. Lately I've seen her hanging around the shopping mall, the video arcade...
Christine: No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean she's been hanging out, like over her belt, and over the top of her shirt, and...
Lisa: Are you finished?!!
...
Christine: Hey, Lisa?
Lisa: What?!
Christine: Listen, I'm sorry about that joke about "hanging out." I didn't make it up, you know, I just recite my lines.
Lisa: ...Yeah, I know.
Christine: You know, sometimes I wish we could just stop making jokes about peoples' bodies. They're stupid, I mean, why can't we joke about something else, like, you know, personality?
Lisa: But Christine, how can we make jokes about something you don't even have?
Christine: LISA!!!
Lisa: Christine, I'm just reciting my lines.

Seasons or Weather [5.24]

[Blip's Arkaid]
Alasdair: All right, one more point and fifty free games!
(Blip hearing this runs over and shuts the power off momentarily)
Kids: BLIP!!
Blip: Sorry kids, a little power failure. Thunderstorm if you ask me.
Alasdair: A little power failure? My score just went down to zero and I lost fifty free games!
Blip: What can I do? It's the weather!
Alasdair: I don't know why Blip just shuts off the power and then blames it on the weather.
Lisa: But it is the weather. Weather we are about to win any free games or not.

[Snakeeyes' bus is stuck in a snowbank and he tries to push it out.]
Snakeyes: All right kids, You're going to have to come out and help me push.
Lisa: We are always getting stuck in the snow Snakeeyes. Can't the school board buy some snow tires.
Snakeeyes: Oh they wanted to buy snow tires, but I told them, "No thank you!".
Lisa: Why?
Snakeeyes: Oh you kids are so stupid. I mean snow tires, how long do you think they'd last? Tires made out of snow. First two days of summer, they'd melt.
Lisa: Where does the school board find him? And why do they let him drive a bus?

[Christine is shoveling snow during a blizzard in the studio.]
Alasdair: (with his weather machine) Christine! I finally figured out how to stop the snow!
Christine: Well would you hurry up?! My arms are getting tired!
Alasdair: All right! You turn the dial to heat wave. There! (The blizzard stops.)
Christine: Oh it worked! Oh but Alasdair, there's only one problem. Where does all the snow go when it melts?
Alasdair: It turns into water!
[Alasdair is drenched]
Christine: Well, at least you didn't get green slimed.
Alasdair: You know, sometimes I don't know which is worse.
[Alasdair is slimed]
Christine: Well, now you know.

Lisa: You know Alasdair, Snakeeyes is an amazing driver. Through snow, sleet, wind or hail, we have never been late for school.
Alasdair: And isn't it amazing that it's only on the way home from school that his brakes fail, he runs out of gas, he loses the keys, he gets stuck in the snow, he gets pulled over by the cops...

[Alasdair's weather machine has it very hot in the studio.]
Christine: Lisa, I can't believe how hot it is today.
Lisa: Christine, it has got to be at least a hundred degrees.
Christine: You know, with my frail health, I can die in this weather.
Lisa: There has got to be a way to cool off.
Christine: (thinking) There is! Come here. (whispers to Lisa)
Lisa: Good idea! okay.
Christine and Lisa: Water! (nothing happens) Water? WATER!!
Christine: Oh. Ross, what is going on here?
Ross: It is this heat Christine. We have to conserve water. Which is more important, a cheap gag or conserving one of our most natural resources?
Lisa: I don't know, I guess you're right.
[Lisa is slimed]
Christine: Well apparently, there's no slime shortage. But you've got problems Lisa. There's no water in the showers.

[Everyone is ready to go swimming in the studio pool. However, Ross brings out a small Care Bears wading pool]
Christine: Ross, this is a pool for a little child.
Ross: This is a program for a little child.
Christine: Ross, we can't go swimming in this pool. There's no...liquid in it.
Ross: Oh. Well...then nobody's going to drown.

Jealousy [5.25]

Christine: Hi, and welcome to an episode of You Can't Do That On Television that'll really turn your head, and probably your stomach.

Wealth [5.26]

Season 6 (1985)

Romance & Dating [6.1]

Announcer: "Love Connection Short Circuits" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following heartbreaking show.

Identity Crisis [6.2]

Fears, Worries, and Anxieties [6.3]

Relatives [6.4]

Pessimism/Optimism [6.5]

Vanessa: Doug, what's the matter?
Doug: I'm doomed. No one on this show has been slimed yet, and I just know I'm going to be the one to get it.
Vanessa: Cheer up, Doug, you've got to think positive. Anyway, what makes you think you're the one who's going to be slimed?
Doug: You know, you're right, Vanessa. Why should I feel so down? I don't know what came over me!
[Doug is slimed]
Vanessa: Well, I guess sometimes you've just gotta go with your feelings!

Revenge [6.6]

Christine: Justin! You ate all the pancakes!
Justin: I was hungry. Next time don't get up so late.
Christine: "Next" time? What about this time?! I was all set to come in here and pour the syrup over a big stack of hot pancakes!
Justin: Well, find something else to pour your syrup over.
Christine: [Laughing] All right, I will.
[Christine pours the syrup over Justin's head.]
Marjorie: Justin, is that what they call "Sweet Revenge"?
Justin: [Tasting the syrup] Guess so.

Wildlife and Animals [6.7]

Christine: Oh, Lisa?
Lisa: Yes, Moosie?
Christine: How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors?
Lisa: I guess I learned by watching other actors.
Christine: That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do."
Announcer: Wild Wild Kingdom will not be seen at this time. In its place we present a program in which people act like animals.

Outer Space [6.8]

World Records [6.9]

Movies [6.10]

[Christine is doing her screen test for You Can't Do That On Television - The Movie.]
Christine: "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about, because I..." um, I was wondering, would it be possible to change a few lines?
Director Frederico Panzarotti: No, no, Christine, it's gotta be read exactly as it's written.
Christine: Well, it's just that...
Panzarotti: No, no - listen, kid, you wanna be in the movies?
Christine: Yes, of course I do.
Panzarotti: Then READ THE LINES!
Christine: "Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, The Movie. Don't ask me what it's about... because I don't know."
[Christine is slimed.]

Lisa: [grousing about having to go to the drive-in movie] Oh, I hate sitting in the car and getting bitten by bugs!
Alasdair: The food is terrible, and the video games at the snack bar are out of date!
Mom: Well, you'll have a nice time, children, really.
Lisa: Are we going to same old stupid drive-in on Highway 41? We're always the only car there!
Sen. Prevert: I'll tell you why we're going there - because that's where I asked your mother to marry me.
Lisa: Oh? Well, what was the movie?
Mom: Bride of Frankenstein.
Lisa: Sounds right to me.
Sen. Prevert: LIIIIISA! Don't encourage your mother!

Season 7 (1986)

Fairy Tales, Myths, and Legends [7.1]

Pop Music [7.2]

[In the kitchen, Mrs. Prevert is standing on a chair and screaming.]

Adam: Mom, why are you screaming?
Mrs. Prevert: I'm screaming because of the beatles!
Adam: I know the Beatles were a great rock group, and people used to scream at their concerts. But that was a long time ago. Besides, I don't hear any of their music.
Mrs. Prevert: I'm not screaming at those beatles, I'm screaming because of those beatles! (points at some real beetles on the floor. Adam gets on the chair as well.)

Know-It-Alls [7.3]

[Vanessa and Christine are lost in the woods.]
Vanessa: I'm starving! Are these berries edible?
Christine: Vanessa, those are gooseberries. Of course they're edible. They're full of Protein and Vitamin A.
Vanessa: Boy, I sure am glad I got stuck in the woods with an expert like you!
[Vanessa eats some of the berries, and then a few seconds later gasps, clutches her throat, and falls over dead.]
Christine: [Laughing] Of course, silly me! I should have noticed the deep red coloring sooner. This is obviously Deadly Nightshade! Highly poisonous. Boy, do I feel dumb.

Parties [7.4]

Alanis: If there's one thing I know, it's how to get attention at parties.

Alasdair: Alanis, if you won't go to the network party with me, I'll just have to kill myself, that's all.
Alanis: Oh Alasdair, how touching. I really want to help you... all right.
Alasdair: You'll come?
Alanis: No, I'll go.
Alasdair: Great!
Alanis: I'll go see if I can find my father's gun.

Principal: All right Adam, I want you to copy pages 7 to 9,742 in this dictionary.
Adam: Sir, you can't make me stay here! It's my birthday today! I'm having guests over, a big party, a cake, everything!
Principal: Oh. Your birthday, you say? Well, in that case, I might let you off...
Adam: Oh, thank you, sir...
Principal: I said, might let you off, if you hadn't used that excuse at least 15 times this year, and I don't remember how many times last year. Do you think I'm stupid? I'm not falling for that again.
Adam: But sir, it really IS my birthday today!
Principal: Do you think that I'm an idiot? If you'd had as many birthdays as you've claimed in the last couple of years, you'd be... 75 years of age.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Well, how clever of you to work that out, sir! I'm actually 75 today! And you wouldn't put an old man through detention, would you? (clutches his chest as though he were having a heart attack) My heart can't take it.
Principal: (rushes to help Adam out of his seat and to the door) Oh! No! Easy, sir! Come along now... oh, by the way, happy birthday.
Adam: ("old man" voice) Thank you, young lad!
Principal: And many happy returns, sir. Bye-bye!
Adam: (leaving detention room) Bye!
Principal: And have a good day.

(Alasdair, Alanis, Adam and Kai are partying in the living room and having a wonderful time, when they hear their parents' voices outside the door.)
Mrs. Prevert: Children! We're home from the convention!
Mr. Prevert: Hi kids!
Alasdair: Oh no! We weren't supposed to be having a party! Quick, clean up!
Adam: They'll kill us!
(The children frantically begin trying to clean up the messy living room, but don't get far when the door opens and Mom and Dad enter.)
Mr. Prevert: (sees mess) HEY! Whaaaat's been goin' on here?!
Adam: Well...
Alasdair: Some... some... some bunch of burglars broke in here and tied us all up, and then they went really wild and crazy and had a party!
Kai: And... and you should have seen the Pin the Tail on the Donkey game! It was terrible!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no! Are you kids all right?
Alasdair: Well, we're kind of in shock right now.
Mr. Prevert: Okay, listen - I am gonna call the police.
Alanis: Dad, don't be too hard on them, you know, just because they didn't clean up the place.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, don't you worry, Alanis. Those burglars are going to get their just deserts. You see (holds up fish bone), those burglars ate some salmon that was contaminated with food poisoning, and they are all going to be very sick any minute now.
(The kids immediately get sick and begin to throw up.)

Garbage [7.5]

TV Commercials [7.6]

Mrs. Prevert: Yuck! Oh, however am I going to get rid of all this oven grease?!
[A puff of smoke, and the Jiffy Genie (Doug) appears.]
Jiffy Genie: You need the Jiffy Genie!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Jiffy Genie, can you get rid of all this oven grease?
Jiffy Genie: In a flash, ma'am!
[The Jiffy Genie waves his hands, there is another puff of smoke, and the oven disappears completely. Mrs. Prevert screams and wails.]
Les: [Voiceover] Yes, with Jiffy Genie, you'll never have oven grease again!
Jiffy Genie: [To camera] You'll never have an oven, period!

[Alasdair Gillis, Doug Ptolemy and Robert Enns are seated on the bench in their football uniforms, furiously scratching their itchy feet.]
Robert: This itching is driving me crazy!
Alasdair: Me too. I wish there were something we could do to get rid of it.
[Enter the Coach, carrying a can of foot powder.]
Coach: Itch no more! He-Man Foot Powder is here! It'll not only cure the itch, but your feet will smell like a rose.
Doug: Just what we've been looking for!
[The boys excitedly sprinkle the powder on their feet.]
Alasdair: OW! This kills!
Coach: But has the itching stopped?
Robert: Yes, the itching has stopped, but now our feet hurt from the thorns!
Coach: And they smell like roses! [To the camera] He-Man Foot Spray! Ya can't take it, yer not a man!

[A door-to-door saleswoman (Alanis) walks up to the Preverts' front door and rings the bell. Mrs. Prevert answers, her red hair in curlers.]
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, dear?
Alanis: Ravon Calling! Good morning or afternoon, sir or madam, as the case may be. As advertised on television, we would like to offer you a beauty program that will leave you looking years younger. Try our new beauty cream absolutely free of charge.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, I certainly will! Oh!
[Mrs. Prevert excitedly rubs some of the cream on her cheeks. A puff of smoke, and she is transformed into a little girl.]
Young Mrs. Prevert: Wow, it really works! I feel years younger!
[Young Mrs. Prevert excitedly reaches for more cream.]
Alanis: No, don't take any more... I wouldn't recommend it...
[Mrs. Prevert rubs more cream on her cheeks anyway. Another puff of smoke, and she is transformed into an infant.]
Alanis: The manual never said anything about this!

Country [7.7]

Back To School [7.8]

Illness [7.9]

Mrs. Prevert: (entering the bedroom, where Doug and Jody are lying in their individual beds, sneezing and sniffling) Okay boys, it's time for school, you're going to be late. Up, up!
Doug: We can't, mom. These allergies are (sneezes) really getting to us!
Jody: My nose, my body aches all over!
Mrs. Prevert: Well, perhaps you boys had better stay home. There is a lot of that pollen stuff in the air. (leaves)
Doug: Can you believe that?! She bought it! (produces a pepper mill from under his bedclothes) These pepper mills are a real lifesaver.
Mrs. Prevert: (returning, holding some blankets, a pot and a humidifier) Okay! I've closed all the windows, and I'm going to steam up the room, and here's some extra blankets, and I'm going to take your temperature, Jody, open your mouth. That's it. And lots and lots of chicken soup; (to rubber chicken in the pot) Elmo, sit still. Oh, you're going to be better in no time! (leaves)
Jody: Oh, great idea, Doug. Now we've gotta stay in this torture chamber all day!
Doug: I think I'd rather go to school.

(Doug, the paperboy, walks up to the Preverts' front step to collect his fee. Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, who have spots all over their faces, are holding a sign that says "QUARANTINE.")
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, keep away, little boy! It isn't safe!
Doug: What is this?!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, young man, we're under quarantine, can't you see? You have to stay away.
Doug: Listen lady, I don't care if you're under quarantine. I've come to get the money for the paper, and I'm gonna get it, you know.
Mr. Prevert: Hey kid, we'd love to pay ya. Can't you read, we're under quarantine! We have got "spotted faaaaaaaceatosis"! You catch it and you die! I'm sorry!
Doug: (scared) Oh, well that's okay then. Maybe I'll come back next week, and - and - and I'll get my money then, okay? (runs off quickly, leaving his bag of papers behind)
Mr./Mrs. Prevert: Bye!
Mr. Prevert: Nice boy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh Lance, this quarantine idea of yours is sheer genius! (begins to rub some of the spots off her face, revealing the spots to be only ink) Ever since we pretended we had "spotted faceatosis," well, we've saved all kinds of money! My goodness, we haven't had to pay the milkman, the vacuum cleaner repairman, the car salesman, it's wonderful. You're a genius.
Mr. Prevert: Genius? Valerie, I really have got spotted faaaaaceatosis. I think you've got it too.
Mrs. Prevert: What?
Mr. Prevert: (pointing to a spot on Valerie's nose) That one ain't gonna come off.

Doug: (he and Jody are in their bathrobes, in the washroom) I'm not going to school today. We have a spelling bee and I didn't study.
Jody: Mom's not gonna let you stay home for that.
Doug: I know, but she's not going to let a sick kid go to school, is she? Watch. (fills a pitcher with water from the tap, walks over to the toilet, and while pouring the water into the toilet bowl, makes retching sounds)
Mrs. Prevert: Did I just hear someone being sick in the toilet?
Doug: Yes mom!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, well, whoever it was certainly can't go to school today. So, I want you boys to finish getting dressed (walks over to the toilet and picks up the empty pitcher) while I put this poor little jug to bed. Oh, there there, little jug, yes. And Dougie, hurry up and put your clothes on, unless you want to go to school in your bathrobe.

Enemies & Paranoia [7.10]

Alanis: Ugh! Mom, this food is disgusting! I wouldn't feed this to my worst enemy.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, neither would I, dear. I love you, Alanis; in fact, no one could be closer to me than you are, so I didn't give it to my worst enemy - I gave it to you. Now EAT IT, young lady, every forkful! There's nothing wrong with pureed rutabager! In! Two, three!

Saving Money [7.11]

Contests [7.12]

Censorship [7.13]

[Ross wants the cast to wear sailor suits for the new clean image he wants the show to represent]

Alasdair: Ross, if you think I'm going to wear this (bleep, bleep) sailor outfit, you can just (bleep, bleep)!
Vanessa: Alasdair, why did you get bleeped? And we weren't even using bad language.
Alasdair: You know, Vanessa you're right. I don't know what I said wrong.
(Alasdair is slimed. More bleeping is heard and James comes in with a remote control)
James: Hey guys, have you seen this neat gizmo? It sure makes a cool bleeping noise.
Alasdair: (bleep, bleep, bleep)!
James: What do all those words mean?
Vanessa: You're too young to know James. That is what they call real bleeping.

Mr. Schidtler: Well. Is this what you have to present for Show and Tell Alasdair?
(Alasdair is standing apparently naked with a black square over his groin)
Alasdair: Yes sir.
Jodie: Kind of a funny color isn't it?
Vanessa: I can't see anything. (to the camera) Get rid of that stupid black band!
(the black square disappears to reveal Alasdair wearing Hawaiian shorts. Vanessa screams)
Alasdair: Hey, if you think that's neat, wait till you see what else my parents brought back from Hawaii! (puts on a lei.)
Vanessa: Ohhhh. (to the camera) Put the black band back! (the black square reappears) No! I mean on his face! (the black square moves over Alasdair's face.)

[Ross is washing Doug's mouth out with soap.]

Ross: There! Five minutes. That about to be enough time for you to clean your language young man!
Doug: Oh Ross, get me something to wash the taste away!
Ross: Like what?
Doug: Water, anything, quick!

[Doug is drenched]

Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: (Talking to the producer) I agree.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: Worst (bleep) that I've ever heard.
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep)!
Ross: How about five minutes more?
Doug: (Bleep, bleep, bleep).
Ross: Open up. (Shoves the soap back in Doug's mouth.)

[Alasdair and Doug are changing clothes in their bedroom.]

Doug: What's the matter Alasdair? Are you shy or something?
Alasdair: No I'm not Doug.
Doug: But Alasdair, we're brothers. We've been changing in this room for years.
Alasdair: Yeah I know Doug, but look at this.
(Alasdair has a black square over his groin)
Doug: Oh Alasdair. This censorship stuff is getting ridiculous!
Alasdair: Yeah, so is having TV CAMERAS IN YOUR BEDROOM!! Well let's get em!
Doug: (grabbing a baseball bat) Ok, I'm going for a home run!
Alasdair: Go now!
Doug: Ready? (Swings the bat at the camera)

Film announcer: (while all the kids sitting in the movie theater are cut down by a barrage of bullets) Coming soon to a theater near you, "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"! See Rambo shoot your friends. See him kill you! See Rambo shoot everyone in the whole world without having to reload his machine gun once. "RAMBO KILLS EVERYONE"!!!!

[Alasdair and Doug now have black squares over their groins]

Doug: Where do these things come from anyways?
Alasdair: Well afterwards they're put on as a special effect.
Doug: You mean they're not really here and the people in the studio can see whats underneath them?
Alasdair: Yep Doug, that's exactly right.
Doug: The cameraman? Everyone?
Alasdair: Yes Doug, they can all see your shorts.
(they step out of the black squares to reveal that they are wearing shorts)

Poverty & Unemployment [7.14]

Luck [7.15]

(Vanessa and Doug are playing cards as Valerie enters)
Vanessa: I'm in luck! Three sevens, Dougie! I won! Peel.
Valerie: (gasping) Children! I would be horrified that you would be playing like strip poker! It's immoral!
Doug: No, mom, not strip poker, food poker. (He peels a banana.)
Valerie: Oh. I've never head of food poker. I'm sorry, Dougie. I don't know what I was thinking of.
Doug: By the way, mom, what is strip poker?
Valerie: Never you mind, young man. Just eat that banana.
Vanessa: Hey, Dougie, wanna play another hand, double or nothing?

Part-Time Jobs [7.16]

  • Adam: (repeated line, when he complains to Mom about getting fired from his part-time jobs) It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me!
  • Adam: (repeated line, when he complains to Mom about getting fired from his part-time jobs) But no... first they yell at me, then they fire me.

Sleep [7.17]

Home [7.18]

Discipline [7.19]

Mysteries & Crime [7.20]

Season 8 (1987)

Books and Reading [8.1]

[Mrs. Prevert is washing a stack of books in the sink.]
Adam: Mom! What are you doing?
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, hello Adam. I was just washing some dirty books I found in your father's closet.
Adam: Mom, you're ruining them!
Mrs. Prevert: (faking concern) Oh, am I, dear?
Adam: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? I'm going to go tell Dad.
Mrs. Prevert: That's a good idea, dear. While you're at it, why don't you tell him that I just finished washing the dirty books I found in your closet. Your father would probably be very pleased to know that you have similar tastes in literature.
Adam: ...Okay, maybe I won't then.
Mrs. Prevert: Wise move.

(Mrs. Prevert is coming Matthew's hair; Matthew is wearing a nice pink dress)
Matthew: Mother, you CAN'T do this to me!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh yes I can, Matthew. I read all about it in the National Scab. It said that through technological advances, mothers can now actually pick the sex of their children! And Matthew, I always wanted you to be a girl.
Matthew: But Mother, that is for mothers who are GOING to have children! Did you read all of the article?
Mrs. Prevert: Well, no, Matthew. The checkout line at the supermarket was moving so fast, I would have had to pay for the magazine if I wanted to read the whole thing.

Adoption [8.2]

Amyas: I dreamed I was adopted!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, Amyas, you were just having a nightmare, dear.
Amyas: No, it wasn't a nightmare. I dreamed I was adopted by a mother who let me stay up late to watch all my favorite TV shows and never fed me liver and brussels sprouts!
Mrs. Prevert: You know, Amyas, that's a remarkable coincidence. I, too, had a nightmare.
Amyas: Really?
Mrs. Prevert: Yes, nine years ago - YOU. Good night, dear.

City Life [8.3]

Anniversaries [8.4]

Mrs. Prevert: (brings out birthday cake) Okay Dougie, make a wish and blow them out!
(Doug blows out all of the candles except one.)
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, Dougie, you missed one candle - that means you don't get your wish. However, I believe that as your mother, if I can blow out that candle, I get a wish of my very own!!! (she blows out the candle) I wish... I wish...
(A puff of smoke, and Doug is now wearing a curly blonde wig and a pink dress.)
Doug: WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?
Mrs. Prevert: I got my wish! Oh Dougie, I always wished you were a little girl!
Adam: (to Doug) Hey baby, wanna go out for a night on the town?

Mrs. Prevert: Matthew, I have baked a cake in honour of the most important day in a young man's life!
Doug: Hey, happy birthday, Matt! I didn't know it was your birthday!
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, no, no, today isn't Matthew's birthday. Today is the anniversary of the day a mother most looks forward to!...
Matthew: Mother, not in front of my friends!...
Mrs. Prevert: Today, is the anniversary, of the day Matthew was potty-trained!
(Matthew puts his head down in embarrassment while the other kids laugh)
Mrs. Prevert: Four years ago today! And to celebrate, I baked a cake in the shape of a potty, with little bits of... well, made out of chocolate.
Barth (in Barth's Burgery): D'oh, why use chocolate? What's wrong with the real, natural ingredients?
(cut back to the living room, where Matthew and his friends are now throwing up into the potty-shaped cake)
Mrs. Prevert: (angry) Now you see what you've done? Now they have ruined the cake!

Smells [8.5]

Season 9 (1989)

Choices [9.1]

Chores [9.2]

Communication [9.3]

Fitness [9.4]

Malfunctions [9.5]

Cleanliness [9.6]

Security [9.7]

Pollution [9.8]

Fantasies [9.9]

Time [9.10]

(Mr. and Mrs. Prevert, Chris and Sariya are sitting around the dinner table eating.)
Mr. Prevert: Y'know, Chris, I know that when I was going to high school, none of the girls was as pretty as Sariya here.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh, but Lance, you and I were in high school together, dear.
Mr. Prevert: Yeah, that's right.
Mrs. Prevert: You know, Sariya, back in those days, all the girls talked about Chris's father. They couldn't believe any boy had so many zits or such bad breath. The only reason I went out with him is because I felt sorry for him... well, I lost a bet.
Sariya: Mrs. Prevert, I can't believe you would say such a thing.
Mrs. Prevert: Really, dear?
Sariya: That's the exact same reason why I agreed to go out with Chris! (She and Mom both stick their tongues out triumphantly at a chagrined Chris and Mr. Prevert.)

Mistakes [9.11]

Punishment [9.12]

Ross Ewich: We've decided that during each link on this show, one of you is going to say the magic words.
Carlos: What magic words, Ross?
Ross: I d-... you know what words! Now Carlos, say them!
Carlos: Me? Why should I say them? No way!
Ross: I am ordering you to!
Carlos: Ross, I don't know who you think you are, but...
[Carlos is slimed]
Carlos: ...but there is no way, I'm going to get, green slimed.
[The other kids and Ross laugh]

Mrs. Prevert: (on the phone) I'm sorry, Jennifer can't come to the telephone right now; she's tied up.
(Camera pans out to reveal that Jennifer is literally tied to the armchair.)
Mrs. Prevert: (to Jennifer) And you're going to stay tied up, young lady, until you learn to stop picking your nose!
Jennifer: Mom, as well as not being able to pick my nose, I won't be able to do my homework or my chores, either.
Mrs. Prevert: Oh. Well, then I guess I'd... Oh no you don't, young lady! I'm not falling for that! You never do any homework, and you certainly don't ever do any chores. So ha ha, one for me.
(Mrs. Prevert turns on the TV.)
TV Announcer: For the next five hours, we here at Educational Television are proud to present a performance by the Iranian String Quartet.
Mrs. Prevert: (to a horrified Jennifer) You won't be able to change the channel, either.

Beliefs [9.13]

Age [9.14]

Mr. Schidtler: Alasdair, Christine and Kevin. Sounds like a folk song.

Excess [9.15]

[Kevin gets back in bed as we hear a toilet flush. His mom walks in.]
Mom: Did you just go to the bathroom again, Kevin?
Kevin: [sighing] Yes, Mom!
Mom: Well, you're going in the middle of the night far too often. You're waking everybody up!
Kevin: Well, fine! What do you want me to do? Get up and go to the bathroom, or stay in bed and go to the bathroom?!
Mom: Yes.
Kevin: Yes, what?
Mom: Stay in bed. I'll just put this diaper on you...
[A loud farting noise is heard.]
Kevin: Oh no, too late!

Looking Cool [9.16]

Sariya: I can hardly wait to get slimed!
Chris: Oh, and what makes you so sure you're going to get slimed?
Jill: Well, it can't be you, Chris. You just got watered.
[Jill is drenched]
Carlos: Not everyone can be cool, and I haven't been slimed in a long time! I don't know why!!!
[Carlos is slimed]
Jill: Sure, Carlos, go ahead, be greedy. "Well, I don't know!"
[Jill is slimed]
Christian and Sariya: We don't know!
[Christian and Sariya are both slimed at once]
Amyas: Guess what... I don't know!
[Amyas is slimed]
Chris: If being slimed is suddenly the cool thing to do, then I simply don't know what this could be except...
[Chris is slimed]
All the Kids: ...the Introduction to the Opposites!
Chris: I got more than you.

[The end of the opposites. The kids are all still covered in slime from earlier, but they now look horrified.]
Jill: Oh, I messed up really good now!
Carlos: I can't believe we thought that being slimed was so cool! I don't know how we could have been so stupid! [he gets slimed again]

Lost [9.17]

Failure [9.18]

First Times [9.19]

Mrs. Prevert: Chris, you were our first child!
Chris: [Bumps heads with Valerie] OW!
Mrs. Prevert: And Stephanie, you were our second child. And Ted...
Ted: Third time lucky, Mom?
Mrs. Prevert: No, actually, Ted, you were another first.
Ted: All right!
Mrs. Prevert: ...Our first big mistake.

Celebrations [9.20]

Jennifer: Which do you prefer, Christmas or birthdays?
Amy: Well, I get about the same amount of presents on Christmas and on my birthday, but the great thing about my birthday is, I don't have to buy presents for anybody else.

Effort [9.21]

Sports [9.22]

Smoking [9.23]

Generosity [9.24]

Embarrassment [9.25]

Season 10 (1990)

Blame [10.1]

Mr. Schidtler: (angry) All right CLASS!! I figured out who wrote that on the blackboard! You didn't think I could did you? Well I did. Amy, you have an awful lot of nerve for a little girl. What you wrote was rude, vulgar and unacceptable! You will come up here and erase that from the blackboard! (Brings Amy to the blackboard to erase a giant "THAT") And another thing young lady, you will have a six month detention!
Christian: Carlos, what's going on?
Carlos: Someone just told the teacher that "that" is a four letter word.
Mr. Schidtler: Carlos, did I hear you using a four letter word?!
Carlos: Nope. Nope. N-O-P-E. Nope.

Jennifer: (filming the pots and pans on the stove, which are boiling over, with a video camera) And... Cue!
Mrs. Prevert: (enters the kitchen, sees the pots and pans boiling over, and shrieks) My dinner party... ruined! Jennifer, how could you?!
Jennifer: How could I what?
Mrs. Prevert: You said you would watch the pots and pans!
Jennifer: Well, yes, I was watching them. Better than that, I was videotaping them!
Mrs. Prevert: Then WHY didn't you turn them OFF?
Jennifer: Well, you said to watch the pots and pans. You said nothing about turning them off when they started to boil over. Say what you mean, Mom.

Amy: (in bed) Mom, Dad, can I have a glass of water?
(Amy is watered.)
Mrs. Prevert: (enters bedroom carrying water glass) You know, Amy, you're a big girl, you could be doing this your-... AMY! You wet the bed again! You're supposed to be a big girl, young lady! I'm going to have to put you back into diapers!
Amy: But Mom, it wasn't me, it...
Mrs. Prevert: Now, Amy, don't lie to me. If you didn't wet this bed, who did?
Amy: Well... I don't know...
(Amy is slimed.)
Mrs. Prevert: Now look what you've done, young lady. (holds out water glass to Amy) Drink?

Secrets [10.2]

Learning [10.3]

Privileges [10.4]

Inventions [10.5]

External links


Simple English

You Can't Do That on Television (YCDTOTV) is a Canadian children's television program.[1] It was created by Roger Price and produced from 1979 until 1990. It mostly featured child actors in a sketch comedy format, acting out short scenes based on a theme that served as the topic for the episode. Connecting scenes based on the theme would often serve to create a story arc that lasted the length of the episode. Nickelodeon became known for its iconic green slime that was originally used in this show. The series is known also because future pop recording artist Alanis Morissette was in it as a cast member at some time.

In 2002, and again in 2004, YCDTOTV cast members reunited alongside fans of the show at SlimeCon, a fan-produced convention in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada. YCDTOTV was a children's comedy show. Some people see it as a nostalgic cult classic. During the 2004 event, a Top Secret reunion special had its premiere.

References








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