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Zorro, The Gay Blade

Movie poster
Directed by Peter Medak
Produced by C.O. Erickson
George Hamilton
Written by Johnston McCulley
Hal Dresner
Greg Alt
Don Moriarty
Starring George Hamilton
Lauren Hutton
Ron Liebman
Brenda Vaccaro
Distributed by Twentieth Century Fox
Release date(s) July 17, 1981
Country United States
Language English

Zorro, The Gay Blade is a 1981 feature film. This comedy features George Hamilton in a Golden Globe-nominated dual role as both Don Diego de la Vega (Zorro) and his gay twin brother Bunny Wigglesworth, née Ramon De La Vega.

Synopsis

The film opens in a villa in Madrid, Spain, where Diego, the archetypical Spanish Don Juan, is in bed with a beautiful woman – who, we learn shortly, is not his wife, but someone else's. The couple are caught by her husband, Garcia, who "is not in Barcelona", as they previously thought. Diego, with considerable panache, fights Garcia and his five brothers with swords. During the fight, Diego's mute servant Paco reads a letter (via gestures) from Diego's father requesting that Diego return to California. Diego and Paco escape by jumping from a high wall directly into a waiting carriage.

Diego and Paco arrive in Los Angeles, where they are met by Diego's childhood friend Esteban (Ron Leibman), who has become Capitán of the local guard. We also learn that Esteban has married Florinda (Brenda Vaccaro), for whom the men competed when they were boys.

Esteban delivers the sad news that Diego's father was killed in a riding accident, when his horse was frightened by a turtle. Esteban is acting Alcalde in the senior de la Vega's stead until a new one can be chosen by the Dons (landowners) of the area.

At the meeting of the Dons, each introduces himself and where he resides. Each Don's surname is that of a well-known city in California, but none of the surnames and place names match, with amusing results:

Esteban is elected Alcalde via an obviously fixed election, and gives his inaugural speech to the assembled peasants in the village plaza. He is interrupted mid-speech by Charlotte Taylor-Wilson, a wealthy political activist from Boston. She and Diego meet, and despite their political differences, there is an immediate attraction.

Relaxing at the de la Vega villa, Diego receives an invitation to a masked ball to celebrate Esteban's election. He is also given his inheritance, which turns out to be Zorro's cape, hat and sword. A note from his father tells Diego the truth: his father was Zorro. Diego decides that it is the perfect costume for the ball.

On the way to the ball, Diego witnesses a peasant being robbed by a criminal. Giving chase, Diego confronts and defeats the highwayman, and returns the money to the peasant, instructing him to spread the news that El Zorro has returned.

At the ball, Diego (under cover of anonymity) dances with Florinda while the old peasant informs the people outside that Zorro has indeed returned. At the same time, we learn that the robber was in fact Velasquez, the area's tax collector, who reports the theft to Alcalde Esteban – and points out Diego. A duel ensues, and Diego escapes by again jumping from a high wall, but injures his right foot in the process. Unable to walk without a noticeable limp, he hobbles away. Esteban and Velasquez plan to use the injury to track Zorro down.

Later that night, a drunk Florinda attempts to seduce Diego in his bedroom, but Esteban arrives to speak about the events of the evening. Esteban begins to suspect that Diego is Zorro, but Diego is able to convince him that his foot is not injured. Esteban leaves, satisfied.

A reign of terror begins, including wholesale torture and increased taxation. Diego is frustrated that, because of his injury, he cannot fulfill his destiny as Zorro. Enter Diego's decidedly gay twin brother Ramon, who joined the Royal Navy and adopted the pseudonym Bunny Wigglesworth. Diego brings Bunny up to date on what has been happening, and Bunny agrees to stand in as Zorro – using a whip instead of a sword, and with gaily colorful costumes.

Zorro continues to elude capture, much to the anger of Esteban and the Dons. Esteban hatches a plan to lure Zorro to the Alcalde's residence by throwing another ball to show off Florinda's expensive new necklace. Seeing through the plan, Diego arrives, dressed as Zorro – and so do the rest of the Dons and male party guests, telling Esteban that a mysterious servant instructed them to dress as Zorro. Adding to the confusion, Bunny appears in drag, masquerading as 'Margarita' Wigglesworth, Diego's cousin from Santa Barbara. Esteban is smitten and calls her 'Wiggy'. Bunny succeeds in spilling a drink on Florinda, and in the resulting attempts to clean her dress, makes off with the necklace. Bunny then returns to the Royal Navy, informing Diego that Charlotte Taylor-Wilson is in love with Zorro.

Diego and Charlotte confess their love for each other at the plaza, but they are seen by an operative of Esteban's. Esteban has her arrested and sentenced to death to again lure Zorro to capture. At the last moment, Diego surrenders to Esteban in order to save Charlotte. Zorro is immediately sentenced to death.

Seconds before Diego is to be shot, Bunny returns to free his brother, and with Charlotte's aid they finally incite the peasants to rebellion. Esteban's own guards rebel as well, and at the end even Florinda turns against her husband. Esteban is defeated, and Diego and Charlotte ride off, planning their wedding.

Primary cast

External links


Quotes

Up to date as of January 14, 2010

From Wikiquote

Zorro, the Gay Blade

Story and Screenplay by: Johnston McCulley, Hal Dresner, Greg Alt, Don Moriarty, and Bob Randall
Directed by: Peter Medak

Dialogue

[Don Diego is lounging in his bed with a beautiful woman.]
Veronica: Tell me the truth. Do you think I'm a good wife?
Don Diego: Veronica… you are more exciting than Venus herself.
Veronica: Then why doesn't my husband ever say that?
Don Diego: Because he's not intelligent. He is not intuitive. He is not insightful.
[A man leaps through an open but curtained door.]
Don Garcia: And he is not in Barcelona!
. . .
Don Diego: Don Garcia, I am astonished you would enter my house without my permission!
Don Garcia: I might say the same thing about you with my wife!

Don Diego: I do not wish to insult you, my dear Garcia, but I could fight four men such as you!
Don Garcia: You are quite right, Don Diego.
Don Diego: You see?
Don Garcia: That is why I brought my FIVE BROTHERS!

[Diego arrives in Los Angeles.]
Don Diego: Los Angeles de California. The birthplace… of me.

Don Diego: That is, uh, my servant, Paco. He is a mute. He cannot speak.
Captain Esteban: Oh, excellent! Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.

Captain Esteban: Your father, I'm sorry to say, had a terrible accident.
Don Diego: Accident?
Captain Esteban: Sí. He was out riding when his horse was frightened by a turtle.
. . .
Captain Esteban: My friend — I want you to know that the turtle who caused this has been executed.

[The landowners meet to elect a new Alcalde.]
Captain Esteban: Caballeros! I believe you all know each other?
Don Diego: Don Diego from San Fernando.
Don Francisco: Don Francisco from San Jose.
Don Fernando: Don Fernando from San Diego.
Don Jose: Don Jose from San Bernardino.
Luis Obispo: Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.

[A peasant is being stretched on the rack.]
Captain Esteban: That man was three pesos short in paying his taxes. I can assure you that he will never be short again.

Captain Esteban: Arrest that woman! Now!
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, wait! Isn't this the village square, where according to law, everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind?
Captain Esteban: You're right, Señorita. [yelling to the crowd] The woman is allowed to speak! But arrest anyone who listens.
. . .
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [to the crowd] Let your voices be heard! Oppose the… greedy bloodsuckers!
[She drops her pamphlets. Diego picks them up and hands them to her.]
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Thank you. I'm Charlotte Taylor Wilson. I'm with the People's Independence Committee.
Don Diego: Don Diego Vega. I'm with the… greedy bloodsuckers.

Don Diego: The peoples are quite happy working the land for the caballeros!
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You don't really believe the people are happy?
Don Diego: [quietly] All I know is the soldiers are very happy shooting the peoples who say the peoples are not happy.

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Could you tell me where I might find a decent inn?
Don Diego: An inn?! With all your talk about the people, I see you like decent inns! And you wear expensive clothes, not the rags. And you smell of the sultry perfumes, not the… ship oil.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Ship oil? [pauses in puzzlement] You mean the oil from boats?
Don Diego: No, ship oil, from the ships in the field.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: [slowly] What ships… in the field?
Don Diego: Jou have never heard of the ships in the field? The little, uh… baa-waa-waas?
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Oh, you mean "sheep"!
Don Diego: Jes, that is what I said.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: No, you said "ship"! Forgive me, but you have a very pronounced accent.
Don Diego: Jou're trying to change the subject from the fact that jou are actually… very wealthy.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I am not… very wealthy!
Don Diego: After all, what poor woman can afford three names? Answer me that if you can, Señorita [counting off on his fingers] Charlotte… Taylor… Wilson.

[Don Diego reads a letter from his deceased father that he finds among the Zorro accoutrements.]
Vega Sr.: The sword, with which to fight injustice. This mask, with which to deceive tyranny. And this hat, which needs… reblocking.

[While Diego was reading his father's letter, Paco has donned his own costume, which makes him look like a life-sized teddy bear.]
Don Diego: What're you supposed to be, eh, a… duck? A bear? Don't be silly — bears don't have ears like that. I will allow you that you are a… a pig, but that is as far as I will go. That's all.

[On the road, Don Diego has defeated an apparent brigand in swordplay.]
Tax Collector: I beg your mercy from- from your flashing blade, and—
[Paco shows up in bear regalia.]
Tax Collector: Ooooh! Oh my God! — also from your hideous dog!

[Diego returns the money — and then some — to the old man and his family.]
Diego Zorro: You recognize that famous sign, eh?
Old Man: Oh, yes, Señor. It is a number "2".
Diego Zorro: That is not a "2". That is a "Z"!
Old Man: Oh, if you say so, Señor! But in the school, that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a "2"!
Diego Zorro: Well, I say it is a "Z" — for "El Zorro"!

Diego Zorro: Spead the news… that he is back! To help the helpless! To befriend the friendless! And to defeat… the feetless!

[Zorro escorts Charlotte into the costume party, but Paco the "Bear" is stopped at the door.]
Guard: Where is your invitation, Señor Beaver?

[The "brigand", who turns out to be the Alcalde's henchman Velasquez, reports to Esteban about his misadventure.]
Velasquez: He said his name was, uh… "Zero". He was dressed all in black, and was accompanied by a… hideous dog.

[Florinda chats with the mysterious black-clad stranger.]
Florinda: You know, as the Alcalde's wife, I must play many, many, many roles, but the people only see the part I play in public. Only a few select friends know my private parts.

[Velasquez points out Zorro, who is dancing with Florinda.]
Captain Esteban: That man in the black sombrero — this is Zero?
Old Man: I am certain of it!
Captain Esteban: Then the hideous dog you refer to must be my wife, yeah?

[Zorro crosses swords with the Alcalde.]
Captain Esteban: Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?
Zorro: Is yours as dull as your wit?
. . .
Captain Esteban: You're a little clumsy, are you not, my friend?
Zorro: To be your friend, I would have to be more than clumsy — I would have to be estupid!

[Florinda, crawling up a ladder into Diego's bedroom, tells him about Zorro's party intrusion.]
Florinda: He made a complete fool out of Esteban. Ha ha!
Don Diego: Well, with Esteban, there is so much material to work with!

[Florinda moans about her miserable life with Esteban.]
Florinda: Do you realize… that we only make love 12 times a year?
Don Diego: Once a month is not too bad!
Florinda: I mean, 12 times in one night? And then, for the rest of the year — nothing!
Don Diego: Tell me… on that one night… does he eat anything especial? Oysters? Raw eggs?
Florinda: Garlic. A lot of garlic.
Don Diego: Ah!
Florinda: Diego, darling! Why didn't I marry you instead of him?
Don Diego: Perhaps because he asked you and I did not.

[A suspicious, crazed Esteban forces an injured Diego to demonstrate his ability to move about.]
Captain Esteban: Now walking and running and jumping in place, and…
Esteban, Diego: [in unison] … now walking and running and jumping in place, and now walking and jumping and running in place—
Captain Esteban: STOP!

[Captain Esteban confronts Don Diego at his home to determine if he is Zorro]
Captain Esteban:Now, lisp like a sissy
Don Diego:[lisps]
Captain Esteban:That's right! Now, swing your hips …
Captain Esteban:Excellent! Now flap your wrists …
Captain Esteban:And repeat after me [Esteban speaks in a greatly exaggerated sissy voice] "You naughty, naughty, evil Alcalde! I am going to do … many terrible things … TO YOU!" [laughs hysterically]

[After Esteban skewers the casket in which Florinda is hiding, he leaves. Diego opens the casket to find Florinda, pressed up against one side.]
Don Diego: Florinda, you're not hurt!
[She shakes her bosom.]
Florinda: Thank God for small favors!

[Diego is limping around on his broken foot.]
Don Diego: My father would be very ashamed of me now. To come all this distance, and miss my destiny by… a foot.

[The mute Paco gestures wildly at Diego.]
Don Diego: Are you yelling at me?

[A flamboyant stranger presents himself at Don Diego's home.]
Don Diego: I know you?
Bunny Wigglesworth: Know me? Sink me! We were once… womb-mates!

Bunny Wigglesworth: They say the Navy makes men. Well, I'm living proof — they made me.

[Diego's brother Ramon, now "Bunny Wigglesworth", heads inside to greet their father.]
Bunny Wigglesworth: … I ought to freshen up and say "Hi-ho!" to the old gent. Tell me, is he still as loud as ever?
[Diego looks crestfallen.]
Don Diego: No. The last month, he's been very… quiet.

[Diego senses a flaw in Bunny's impersonation of Zorro.]
Don Diego: Dere is-a something wrong with his bowels.
Bunny Wigglesworth: My what?
Don Diego: Jour bowels! The way you say your "ah", your "ee", and your… "jooz".

[During one of Bunny Zorro's appearances before the people…]
Bunny Zorro: And remember, my people — there is no shame in being poor, only dressing poorly!

[Outside Diego's home, Bunny is diguised as a priest wearing crisom velvet monk's robe.]
Captain Esteban: Tell me, Father — what order commands its priests to wear such strange clothes?
Bunny Wigglesworth: We are followers of Peter the Dressmaker. He who was Christ's tailor.

[As Bunny Zorro gets a head start on his escape…]
Captain Esteban: Ah, Padre, with your permission, I would like to make to you a small donation, if I may, to your order.
Bunny Zorro: Your horse and your gold are gift enough! The people thank you, Your Repugnancy!
Captain Esteban: Now you mock the Church! Now you have me and God against you!
Don Diego: Me too!
Captain Esteban: FRUITCAKE!

[After hatching his masked-ball plan to trap Zorro, Esteban embraces his wife passionately.]
Captain Esteban: Do you know… that little thing… we do… one night… every year?
Florinda: Yes! Oh, yes!
[Esteban drops her on the floor and walks off.]
Captain Esteban: We still have three months to go!
Florinda: You fink!

[Esteban, dressed rather appropriately as Henry VIII, addresses his guards before the ball.]
Captain Esteban: He is cunning! He is crafty. He's not just going to walk in here and say, "Here I am!"
[Diego, dressed as Zorro, enters the palace.]
Don Diego: Here I am!

[Diego admires Florinda's necklace.]
Don Diego: It looks like it'll buy the peoples a lot of houses, maybe even some schools and roads.
Florinda: Roads? What do the people need roads for? They never go anywhere.

[In the women's restroom, Bunny, dressed as a woman, continues to help/hassle Florinda.]
Florinda: If you don't stop touching me, I shall have you… destroyed!

[Florinda finally escapes Bunny and complains to her husband.]
Captain Esteban: Your neck!
Florinda: Did that woman bruise me? She's got hands like an gorilla!
[She drops her hands to her upper chest, where her necklace isn't.]
Esteban, Florinda: Neck! Neck! Neck! Neck!

Diego Zorro: Now I know it is permitted for a man to be… bulnerable.
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's "vulnerable".

[As the Alcade's men approach, Zorro takes his leave of Miss Wilson.]
Diego Zorro: And when I return, we will not have to worry how to pronounce, ah, ah… "bir—"
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: "Virgin"!

[Esteban calls Zorro's bluff, forcing Zorro to surrender to prevent Charlotte's execution.]
Captain Esteban: I have always depended on people being nicer than me, and I have never in my life been disappointed.

[The guards move Charlotte away from and Diego onto the execution platform.]
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: You're the bravest man I have ever met.
Don Diego: [nervously] I'm very impressed with myself, too.

Florinda: Isn't he marvelous?
Don Fernando: He wears clothes well. I could never get into his pants.
Florinda: I bet I could.

Guard: … you are sentenced to be executed… until you are dead!

Charlotte Taylor Wilson: I have only one regret…
Diego Zorro: [to himself] One? I have one for every day I'm not going to live!

Bunny Zorro: Two bits, four bits / Six bits, a peso / All for Zorro / Stand up and say so!

Don Diego: What jou like for a wedding present?
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: For myself, nothing. But I thought for the people, you might donate your land.
Don Diego: I give my land to the peoples? If we give away my land, where you think we gonna live?
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: Boston!
Don Diego: Boston?!
Charlotte Taylor Wilson: It's really the only civilized city. The best food, the best art, the best music!
Don Diego: The best music. You gotta be joking! I spent a week in Boston once, and I don't think I heard a decent Mariachi player in the city!

See also

External links








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